To Burn is to Die, Mourir C'est Guerir

7/28/2019 To Burn is to Die, Mourir C'est Guerir

1/25

to burn is to die,

mourir cest gurir

a collection of poemsKyler Selby


2/25

the fade

After I clean my room,

Ifind myselfSpending more and more time in here,

RetreatingInto its organized (ha!)Nooks and Crannies.But as I cohabitate with theBooks andBeds andBlankets andDoors and All that damn noise,

I see it slowly shift from

After back to Before.

And then it's back to the living room, Back to the kitchenBack to the orderly

Back to away.


3/25

gideons trumpet

The other day I saw this movie And this old man was forced to Defend himselfIn court.

And they tried to play it offAs this old, awkward crook

Just trying toGet off.But to me it looked more like a SadDesperateManWho was flopping like a FishOn dry landAround the courtroom.(And some people may say A crook is a crook, But a man is a man, And his life is a life.)

And fuck, They still sent him to jail.


4/25

grenade

I woke up from a nap this afternoon, And all the awkward TenseFeelings from this morning had dissolved away.But as we sat on the front porch,Me leaning my head on your kneeAnd calling out to the most high G-D,You keptticktickticking your fingernail against your necklace."It's time for me to go."

And the waves crush my bones into sand As it all floods back over me.


5/25

i could never

And I love you, but I didn't love it ,Because it turned you into someone who just didn't know when to quit. You looked me in the eyes, said "In you, I see me.Baby brother, I'm sorry I'm not the man I wanted to be,But I love you so, so much." And I love you too, big brother, but I didn't love your crutch, Because on it you leaned so hard until it snapped And left us here alone in the wake of your crash.

What was the last thought to go through your head?Was it me or Zach or Mom or Dad or did you just want to go to bed? Did those chemicals creep over you eyes, blocking us out,Because when I saw your skin, I felt my lungs fall right out. And I cried next to your bed, dad did too ,And I couldn't keep myself from crawling back into your room To read your words, and to smell your clothes Lay in your bed and cry and cry and cry like nobody knows."Trust most, but not all," says the note by my bed, And I miss you, I love you, I will see you again.


6/25


7/25

a love

The waves peeled back from the shoreLike sheer sheets from a bed, And left behind the skeletons of a dayA yearA time

When things so immense, so gargantuan So patient So kind Without envyWithout arroganceBearing all, believing allNever failing,

Walked the earth.

And goddamn it, they were beautiful. And their bones shone like the moon itself,

So thatEven in their death, they made themselves known.


8/25

the french language

When we spoke of love,Our tongues stumbled over the word

And we laughed And we kissed And cast sidelong glances to see If someone might catch us, speaking in this

Foreign Tongue.

So fresh and new and beautiful.

But when our conversation turned to death ,That familiar taste on our lips, so strong that we might Choke on it,We spoke boldly and assuredly.Because we knew that we knewWhat it was we were talking about.


9/25

the man in front of the city park

Peeling his skin back, he found nothing but glass And thought:

Well that explains a lot.


10/25

a childs wonder, a fathers regret

He looked up at his fatherHis wrinkled face, The lines running across his forehead like highways on a map, And he wondered aloud why he was The way he was

But the man only looked down sadly at him, With his eyes turned slightly aside from the boy's And he said: It's so much easier to see the sad things in this life Than it is to try to conjure up good ones. And he thought,"Maybe that's not something for a child to hear."And the child thought,No shit, dad.


11/25

to be alone

I want to thinkThat I've always known what I've knownAnd that I've always been what I amThat I've always been someone I can like

But then I remember,I used to know nothing, and now I know nothingAnd where I used to be everything Now,I would give anything to be nothing.


12/25

hindsight

It's like when you were young and theBright,

Colorful

Insects were all your favorites. And you were so sad when you found out They were all Poisonous.

Except this time you didn't find out until After you had eaten up EveryLastWordThey let carelessly fall from their mouthsLike drool while they slept,And this time you weren't so much as sad As you were

Competely,And utterly

Gone.


13/25

root

Today, I was leaving the storeAnd I saw a car, plastered with all these Narrow-minded,Overly preachy,Political Bumper stickers,But I noticed him swerving to avoid the speed bumps

Just like I was.

And I realized that Everyone is a father's son Or a mother's daughter,And everyone is more human than a hill is a hill Or a tree, a tree.


14/25

creosote

I walk outside, early, to the leftovers of a rain that passed in the night, And I think:You can sleep through the storm But you still have to wake up To its remnants.


15/25

fall down

So maybe I wont get a job, wont dig my own grave And its not cause Im lazy, its because Im a slave.Ive spent so many days with these chains round my wrists

That once they slip free, they wont ever be missed.

At least, thats what I said, maybe its not what I meant ,Because I just cant let go of the places Ive been,And I just cant let go of the things that Ive done, And I just cant let go of the man Ive become. So I clutch and I grasp, I flail and I gasp One last breath before I slip back under and relax. But I forget that you made the dark just like you made light And in the moment you made day you also made night, And was my salvation a matter of chance?Or if Id been born in Vilii Teci would I still be a part of Your plan? Because if it all boils down to where you were raised I think thats called conditioning and not being saved. But then, as my head breaks above the water and I see All the other sinking souls, drowning just like me I blink against the mist and look up to the skyAnd I swear that I swear that I saw You cry.So I reached out my hand to the nearest raging chest ,And I wrapped my arms up in theirs and brought their head to my breast,And we sank to the bottom, where the water meets the earth And our chests grew tight, and our eyes started to burn. And as dark gave way to light, as we started towards home, We walked hand in hand, we were no longer aloneOn the oceans floor, safe from the storm above, Some call it refuge, but we called it love. And we called it ours, but was it ours to keep,Or could it leave without warning, leaving us here in this sea? And I know that I know that my tens not your tenSo when I mean to say lover, Ill be sure to call you friend. And every night Ill tell you that you shouldnt leave him,

Because I know thatd make you sad, and I cant bear to see it. So I write letter after letter about your future and mine And how maybe if Im lucky they might intertwine,Like two seeds in a pot that came up as vines And wrapped themselves around each other and knew not time ,Nor rhyme, nor rhythm, nor restraint.


16/25

And somewhere along the line I found out you were flawed ,And yet, I loved you just the same, did I not? Because I know how it feels to be loved despite who you are As I remember a tear that fell down from the stars, And landed in my chest and watered that desert

And death gave birth to life and we were no longer separate. But thats not to say thats love I can give But at best, I guess I can show you a reflection,Like I saw in my brothers,And I saw in my friends So Ill only be filled up to be poured out again.


17/25

adam

So there you go again, crawling after feet of skinBecause, man, its so hard to look within

Your own head, your own chest to find out whats inside.(But I think really were afraid to find out that weve liedAnd that all thats left is pride)

So dont you ever forgetThat your long-forgotten heroes once proved themselves men,And as you sat at their feet, with your head in your hands,You put your head in their hands and they snapped your neck.

So nurse your wounds, healing consumes just as much as the hurt did,And what do you find as you emerge outside but that youve stumbled

upon a serpent.So you cross yourself, knowing the bite will come and loving it,Waiting for that poison to spread so thin it might cover all your sins.

But you will not be covered!

No youll no longer hide behind your leaves and twigs,Because if a mans a mans a man, were all sickSo we bide our time and we hide our eyes and we dont even realize thatwere this terrified that

If I see one soul, and he sees mine I swear:Ill die.

So dont you ever forgetThat your long-forgotten heroes once proved themselves men,And as you sat in your room, with your head in your hands,You put your head in their hands and they snapped your neck.


18/25

one of those late night poems

Another poem,Are you kidding me?You only seek refuge in things that bring misery.

But I swear, this time its not just for the sake ofPutting downWords andWords andWordsSo I can move on past this love

Love?Who are you trying to fool,You crushed the seeds under your own gardening tool!

And Im sorry Im so sorry at understanding what I feel,But its hard to distinguish between the created and the real,And so I tripped over the starting blocks, never even ranAnd I watched as some other suitor came and took your hand,Spread salt on my soil, so nothing could ever growBecause as much as I want it, Im too terrified to love,

And to be loved:I think thats just too much.


19/25

covers

You are the swooping line,Always turning and drifting and falling and always in motion.You are a stunning display of

Falling andFlying.

You are the wind underneath a delicate flower petal,Lifting it and dropping it,Falling and letting fall,Pushing and pulling,Completely disappearing without a warning,ButAlways present.

You are the life beneath the wings of an airplane,You are the hot air in the balloon.

You are everything, always, at one time.


20/25

allan-michael

My friend,He was sick yesterday,And he took four dayquil this morning,

And all day he couldntLook at lights orHear loud noisesWithout grimacing.

And all day long,He kept asking people,Can you please be quiet?Can you turn that music down?And the like.

And everyone would justNod sympatheticallyAnd comply,As if he had asked them to not kill a puppyOr to pull a sticker out of their shoelaces.

And I think about every time I say,Could you move your shit?orCan you please just stop talking for five minutes?And they stare at me as if I were from someCompletely different planet.

That lucky bastard.


21/25

accidents happen

The thing about vegetablesIs that although its depressing to see them

BreathingEatingDrinking

And really thats it,

Theres at least that transition fromAliveTo dead.

Whereas in my mind, you were alive one second

Then the next,After mom started cryingAfter Tara apologizedAfter that chaplain sympathized,You were dead.

And how can I even begin to make that jump?

I watch videos of our shows,And I think about the time at the Bora BoraOr at The UndergroundAnd every time you kissed me on the lipsAnd how your breath always smelled like cigarettesAnd your bedAnd your clothesYour hairYour faceYour handsAnd how aliveYou were.

How alivewe were.


22/25

some great something

These days it seems likeEverything is building up towards some great Mountain peakOr maybe it's a cliffOr a holeOr the most majestic hill you've ever seen With rolling grasses in every direction And flowers scenting the air, Stuck behind your lover's ear,And she's saying,"Everything is building up towards some great Something."

And maybe that Something is nothingOr maybe it's everything,

But what matters is that she said it So you know it's true.


23/25

february

A year ago, Out of Borders Into the car Onto the turnpikeAnd then I'm dying.

I'm driving faster than my speedometer can read And I hit the ER parking lot going 40

And Tara's out front And mom and dad are inside

And then I'm dead.


24/25

the day of the pergola

It was almost springAnd the sun was finally out,And the skin

On your shoulderWas warm from sunUnderneath my lips

For the first time in a long time.

And you painted in watercolorAnd I wrote in India ink(Everything felt so permanent, so final,Like carving in stoneOr burning a page of an old journal

Or a discarded poemOr that picture that you justcouldnt stand to look at anymore)And James played the pianoAnd David fetched LesleyAnd the sun showed his face

For the first time in a long time.


25/25

as persistent as the rain

And no matter how many times you fallAnd get up And fallAnd get up, We will all fall one last time, And we will not get up.

When it's time for us to Get low,Fall asleep,Leave everyone and everything we've ever knownFor someone and something we've never come close to knowing(In that sense of knowing as Knowing all,And knowing completely, that is.)We will then have the timeFor that letter weve been putting off writing,Or the scratch For that dress she's been wanting, Or the words We've been meaning to say for So, so long.

But they will not have the time to read,Nor the will to ask,Nor the ears to hear,And we will be left lying there, Covered in dirt, And saying,

Absolutely nothing.

To Burn is to Die, Mourir C'est Guerir

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