There is No Perfect Marriage

7/23/2019 There is No Perfect Marriage

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There's no such thing as perfect marriage!Gitanjali Chandrasekharan,Mumbai Mirror | Dec 1, 1", 11#"1 $M %&T

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There's no such thing as perfect marriage! (Thinkstock Photos/ Getty Images)

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Im chequing out of this marriage, dear

Why do couples opt for a nuclear family? Tame that monkey mind

!igns you are in a to"ic relationship

Perfect marriage is nearly impossible. But opting for a 'marriage of psychology' coul

sae you.

$re e ith the rong person( %t's the )uestion most of us ho'*e been in lo*e, or

married, ask# &iss+ritish riter and philosopher $lain de otton and $merican

counseling ps-chologist Dr Christine Meinecke sa- it's highl- possible#

%n an article for The .hilosopher's Mail that has gained )uite the folloing on socialmedia, otton starts off ith a disappointing obser*ation# $n-bod- e marr-, ould, to

a certain e/tent, be rong for us# 0oe*er, the le*el of incompatibilit- is so high in some

couples that the- simpl- shouldn't be together#

Probe your neuroses

Meinecke, ho is the author of 2*er-bod- Marries The 3rong .erson, sa-s, most

relationships are based on infatuation, hich is the result of o*erorking hormones# ut,

hen the bod-'s neurochemistr- graduall- regulates itself, the attraction fades# 3e stop

idealising our partners and start seeing their faults, she rites in an article in

.s-cholog-Toda- titled 0o Did 3e 2nd 0ere# This is hen disenchantment sets in#
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/man-woman/Theres-no-such-thing-as-perfect-marriage/articleshow/45132782.cms?utm_source=TOInewHP_TILwidget&utm_medium=ABtest&utm_campaign=TOInewHP#writehttp://void%280%29/http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/topic/Womenhttp://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/topic/Womenhttp://www.speakingtree.in/topics/life/relationshiphttp://www.speakingtree.in/topics/life/relationshiphttp://www.speakingtree.in/topics/life/relationshiphttp://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/topic/psychologyhttp://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/topic/psychologyhttp://www.speakingtree.in/topics/people/menhttp://www.speakingtree.in/topics/life/marriagehttp://www.speakingtree.in/topics/life/marriagehttp://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/man-woman/10-things-a-man-wants-in-a-woman/articleshow/7998884.cmshttp://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/man-woman/Im-chequing-out-of-this-marriage-dear/articleshow/45123070.cmshttp://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/man-woman/Why-do-couples-opt-for-a-nuclear-family/articleshow/35119753.cmshttp://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/man-woman/Tame-that-monkey-mind/articleshow/40000959.cmshttp://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/man-woman/Signs-you-are-in-a-toxic-relationship/articleshow/35988367.cmshttp://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/man-woman/Theres-no-such-thing-as-perfect-marriage/articleshow/45132782.cms?utm_source=TOInewHP_TILwidget&utm_medium=ABtest&utm_campaign=TOInewHP#writehttp://void%280%29/http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/topic/Womenhttp://www.speakingtree.in/topics/life/relationshiphttp://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/topic/psychologyhttp://www.speakingtree.in/topics/people/menhttp://www.speakingtree.in/topics/life/marriagehttp://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/man-woman/10-things-a-man-wants-in-a-woman/articleshow/7998884.cmshttp://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/man-woman/Im-chequing-out-of-this-marriage-dear/articleshow/45123070.cmshttp://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/man-woman/Why-do-couples-opt-for-a-nuclear-family/articleshow/35119753.cmshttp://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/man-woman/Tame-that-monkey-mind/articleshow/40000959.cmshttp://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/man-woman/Signs-you-are-in-a-toxic-relationship/articleshow/35988367.cms


2/15

.art of the problem lies in ho little e kno oursel*es or others, otton belie*es# The

premise that e are eas- to get along ith or that e don't ha*e our indi*idual neuroses

should set off alarm bells# 0e sa-s societ-, e*en friends, don't encourage us to

understand oursel*es4 their primar- agenda being to ha*e a good time# $n urgent,

primar- task of an- lo*er is therefore to get a handle on the specific a-s in hich the-

are mad### $ good partnership is not so much one beteen to health- people, it's one

beteen to demented people ho ha*e had the skill or luck to find a nonthreatening

conscious accommodation beteen their relati*e insanities, he adds#

Your lover is crazy. Ask, how?

$nother point here couples fall short, is e/pecting their lo*ers to be perfect, setting

themsel*es, their partners and the relationship up for failure# The con*entional isdom

that romantic success depends on finding the one right person sets up e*er-one for

failure# 3hen infatuated, both people belie*e that the- ha*e found the right person, that

the- make the perfect couple# Then disenchantment sets in, and e )uestion hether e

found the right person, after all# &o, e tr- to change our partners# 5r e decide to look

outside outside the relationship for that one right person ho must still be out there,

Meinecke sa-s to Mirror#

%nstead of chatting ith -our lo*er or potential partner about fa*ourite mo*ies, foods

and hobbies, otton suggests asking6 ho do the- get angr-, ho can -ou raise children

ith them, ho can -ou de*elop together and remain friends# The time has come, he

adds, for the marriage of ps-cholog-# 5ne here 'the feeling' has been submitted to

e/amination and brought under the aegis of a mature aareness of each other's

ps-cholog-, he sa-s#

Fixing it

3e ma- ha*e ended up marr-ing the rong person, but it is still, sa-s Meinecke, possible

to fi/ it b- practising mature lo*e and beha*ing self+responsibl-# 7egati*e emotional

reactions occur not due to others' actions but due to our unrealistic e/pectations and

idios-ncrasies of our on ps-cholog-, she sa-s# &oulsearching before and after getting

into a relationship should in*ol*e asking am % illing to keep m- focus on managing m-

on e/pectations and negati*e emotional reactions rather than on tr-ing to bring about

change in m- partner(

Meinecke adds that couples ho practice mature lo*e ork toards self+correction,

groing themsel*es up# The- focus on beha*ing constructi*el-, regardless of

pro*ocation, she rites# The- recognise that partners are not responsible for each other's

happiness and unhappiness#

You can't freeze joy

otton argues that most couples belie*e marriage is a guarantor of happiness#

8nfortunatel-, the earl- fleeting moment of happiness -ou e/perienced ere dependent

on *arious factors 9 a holida- hen -ou felt rela/ed, perhaps a fe sangrias#

Getting married, he rites has no poer to keep a relationship at this beautiful stage#


3/15

%t is not in command of the ingredients of our happiness at that point# %n fact, marriage

ill decisi*el- mo*e the relationship on to another, *er- different moment6 to a suburban

house, a long commute, to children# The onl- ingredient in common is the partner# $nd

that might ha*e been the rong ingredient to bottle#

ow !o we fight?

Meinecke gi*es an e/ample of ho infatuated couples, disenchanted couples and couples

practicing mature lo*e fight#

"nfatuate! cou#le

Partner $

%'d like to see that ne mo*ie### the one about astronauts tr-ing to sa*e the earth#

Partner %

&ounds great#

Partner $

:ou are the best#

&isenchante! cou#le

Partner $

%'d like to see that ne mo*ie###the one about astronauts tr-ing to sa*e the earth#

Partner %

;&arcasticall-< 5h, great# $nother d-stopian sci+fi doner# Can't ait#

Partner $

5h, come on# % ent to that stupid rom+com ith -ou#

ou#le #racticing (ature love)

Partner $

%'d like to see that ne mo*ie### the one about astronauts tr-ing to sa*e the earth#

Partner %

=et me read some re*ies and get back to -ou#

Partner $

%'m sure m- brother ill go ith me, if -ou decide against it# % kno sci+fi doesn't usuall-

thrill -ou#


4/15

How can we stop unconscious bias?

By Dr Uta FrithPsychologist

28 November 2015

From the sectionScience & Environment
http://www.bbc.com/news/science_and_environmenthttp://www.bbc.com/news/science_and_environment


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7/15

We can't avoid making snap decisions about other people. Who is powerful

or weak? Who is caring or aggressive? Who is trustworthy and who is

competent? This is called unconscious bias and this cartoon shows it in

action.

t !rst glance "e might be con#$se% beca$se "e "rongly' ass$me the s$rgeon is

the #ather ( "ho is no" %ea% ( it is in #act the mother)

*his is +re,$%ice- an% it is o#ten "rong) B$t yo$ sho$l% not #eel g$ilty abo$t this)

*hese ass$m+tions come #rom the ancient- $nconscio$s +art o# o$r min% ( the

%ecisions are rigge% be#ore they are even ma%e- an% a#ter all- the $nconscio$s +art

o# o$r min% has stoo% $s in goo% stea% over millions o# years o# evol$tion)

.t allo"s $s to %eci%e in a s+lit secon% "ho is #rien% or #oe- sim+ly by assessing

"hether another +erson loo/s li/e $s) .t $rges $s to +re#er the #amiliar an% #ear the

$n#amiliar) *he tro$ble is- o$r #rien%s an% #oes are no longer the same as they "ere

#or o$r remote ancestors)


8/15

Uta Frith is one o# o$r 100 Women 201

*his years season #eat$res two weeks of inspirational storiesabo$t

the!!"'s 100 Womenan% others "ho are %e#ying stereoty+es aro$n% the"orl%)

i/e $s on #acebookan% #ollo" $s on$nstagram$sing the

hashtag%100Women) &isten to the programmes here)

e a$tomatically categorise +eo+le on the basis o# their loo/s or their gen%er as

belonging to o$r gro$+) .# they are o$r gro$+- "e are ha++y to align "ith them- an%

"e co$nt on them #or s$++ort)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-24371433http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-24371433http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-34801473http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-34801473https://www.facebook.com/BBC100women/?fref=tshttps://instagram.com/bbc100women/https://twitter.com/search?q=%23100Women&src=typdhttp://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p01k3j50http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-24371433http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-24371433http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-34801473https://www.facebook.com/BBC100women/?fref=tshttps://instagram.com/bbc100women/https://twitter.com/search?q=%23100Women&src=typdhttp://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p01k3j50


9/15

3en%er is a shortc$t to hel+ $s g$ess "hether someone is strong or "ea/-

aggressive or caring) 4$r $nconscio$s min% rings alarm bells i# someone is %ierent

#rom $s or $n#amiliar- b$t most ancient signals o# %anger are +ast their $se by %ate)

.n o$r mo%ern social "orl% "e "ant to create e6$ality an% #airness) e have learne%

the val$es o# %emocracy an% ,$stice) e have learne% that "e bene!t more #rom

coo+eration than #rom con7ict)

e have #o$n% o$t that in +olitics $nli/ely alliances bet"een enemies can "or/- an%

that o%%balls can ma/e o$tstan%ing %iscoveries) e have learne% that men can be

n$rt$ring an% that "omen can be aggressive)


10/15

Still %ee+ %o"n "e may #eel that these eam+les %o go a bit against the grain) *his

is o$r ancient $nconscio$s stereoty+es rattling their cages)


11/15

et them rattle) e have come to realise that +re,$%ice in +olitical negotiations lea%s

only to %ea%loc/- an% that to ecl$%e o%%balls #rom ta/ing $+ science "o$l% be a

serio$s %isa%vantage)

e no" /no" that a %iversity o# vie"+oints hel+s $s to avoi% being st$c/ in a r$t)

9ere is "here the master +art o# o$r conscio$s min% has to assert itsel#) .t cannot/ic/ o$t o# the $nconscio$s +art- b$t it can be a"are o# its obstinacy an% can

overri%e it "hen ma/ing %ecisions) .t can 6$estion even those stereoty+es that seem

tr$th#$l an% harmless)


12/15

9eres an eam+le: ;ost o# $s hol% the $nconscio$s bias that "omen are nicer- more

amenable to be hel+#$l an% more incline% to care an% n$rt$re others) ;en on the

other han%- are stereoty+e% as aggressive- com+etitive an% less incline% to care #or

others)

omen are nicer beings) hy sho$l% "e overri%e this bias


13/15

9ere is "hy) mother has ha% a slee+less night beca$se she "as /e+t a"a/e by a

#ret#$l baby) .n the morning visitors arrive an% her h$sban% goes to change the

babys na++y) *he visitors hea+ +raise on the h$sban% saying he is %oing something

ece+tional- or that he is nice- n$rt$ring an% /in%)

*he "i#e is not +raise% as she is seen as ,$st #$l!lling her %$ty)


14/15

9ere is another eam+le) "oman is lo$%ly %e#en%ing her arg$ments in a scienti!c

meeting) ;ost o# the a$%ience consi%er the "oman $nbecomingly aggressive)

ct$ally- i# a man ha% ma%e the same arg$ments in the same voice he "o$l% have

been consi%ere% sim+ly clear an% #orthright)

So the niceness stereoty+e is a "ay o# /ee+ing "omen at a lo"er +lace in the

hierarchy- so that they !n% it har%er to com+ete "ith men)


15/15

9o" can "e overcome $nconscio$s bias< e can slo" %o"n o$r %ecision an% 6$ery

o$r !rst reactions) e can monitor an% challenge each other beca$se "e see bias

more easily in others than in o$rselves)

4# co$rse "e sho$l% not blame each other) .ts only h$man to have $nconscio$s

biases) *he goo% ne"s is that "e can get o$t o# the tra+ by being "illing to !rst

ac/no"le%ge they eist)

Dr Uta Frith is Emeritus Professor of Cognitive Development UCL, and

Chair of the Royal Society's Diversity Committee utafrith

http!""frithmind#org"socialminds"$log"

There is No Perfect Marriage

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