TheBack Page 03/10/09 Unless like you’re from Japan.. Vol ... · A fresh fresher’s edition, for...
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The Back Page It’s quite like the other pages, but on the back! The Brick Saturday 03/10/09 Vol:4 Issue:4 You’ve Been Robinson’d! Red Brick Robinson, we love you so! Page 1 | Top of the snobs: Know your College stereotypes Page 3 Brick Editor too tired to write anything interesting of funny and really wants to get to be by one. Page 1-4 | A guide to Matriculation Page 4 Duncan ‘Pooled’ Stibbard Hawkes Makes it all better. Matricuwhatnow? Better Matriculate than never- A guide to surviving Matric! Disclaimer: The Robinson College brick is a silly publication. If you are offended by any of it’s content, don’t be, it’s not meant to bruise you! If you any of it seems senseless or dull, then please write something better. There’s one more edition coming out before the end of term! Most of all though, remember not to worry during your first few weeks here. You’ll meet a lot of people, and have to remember a lot of things, but by the end of term I promise that things will have sunk in to place. You’ll have the time of your lives.. you lucky things you! Lots of love, Duncan, The Editor ([email protected].) Cambridge, Cambridge, Cambridge. Ancient buildings rise from the mist, shedding their distinguished shadows on the frosty ground. The smell of musty tomes fills the air and bowler- hatted porters roam the arcane cor- ridors. Or at least, this is what would be happening if you had been good enough to get into the college you applied too. Well, you didn’t... so welcome to Robinson! But, don’t worry, there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Robinson may not be the oldest or architecturally distin- guished addition to the Cambridge’s collection of colleges. It may not look the nicest. Or smell the nicest. Or have the nicest people in it. Or, in- deed, generally BE the nicest... but it’s still ten time’s better than all the other colleges combined. Why? Because it’s now YOUR college. Thos red bricks, which at first startled, over the course of the term, will come to delight and hurt not. The other A fresh fresher’s edition, for some fresh fresher’s faces. First you’ll be placed in alphabetical order and shepherded into the auditorium. As you pass through, you’ll be handed a large, black, floppy gown that doesn’t quite seem to fit. The purpose of the gowns is to make students from Cam- bridge look stupider than students from other universities, compensating for the fact that you are probably all cleverer. Yes. Even you. I mean you. You didn’t get in by fluke! Then, just for fun you’ll be placed into reverse alphabetical order and told to line up for a photograph. Worry not, this photograph will be sold back to you at an exorbitant price! While standing for the photograph, please be aware of the man sitting directly in the front-centre of the picture, wear- ing a large top hat. This is the respected ex-police officer and head porter Mr. Colin Barnes and if you can bring me his hat, you’ll be rewarded with a large cash prize*. After this, comes a speach for the senior tutor, Liz Guild (A.K.A. “Lizzy G”, “Guildylocks” or “The Guild-master- general”). She is in charge of making sure you all do well and will talk for a very long time about how you are expected to work very hard. DO NOT WORRY, if you are an arts student, you can get away almost without doing any work till exam time. If you are a science student, you are permitted to worry a little bit, but remember, you will still not be working near as hard as Liz will suggest. Taking everything she says during this speach with a liberal pinch of salt is an absolute necessity! After this, various other member of the college staff will stand up and tell you not to do things. Colin Barnes will tell you not to set things on fire, Nick Milne will tell you not to buy food that’s not from Robinson’s lucretive canteen if you can absolutely help it and the lovely Briget of I.T. will ask you not to use the Robinson network for orgonized crime Once you’ve endured the trials and tribulations of the day, prepare yourself for the final challenge: Matriculation din- ner. You’ll be treated to a splendid meal and given the opportunity to make a good impression on senior college staff as well as so much alcohol that you will find acting like a sensible, reasonable human being next to impossible. During my matriculation dinner, I almost threw up onto the alliteratively named Ross Reason, our financial bursar. He remains blissfully unaware of this. At the end of the meal, you will be given a speech from the warden about why he’s called “The Warden” and will then be sent, staggering in the direction of the party room for yet another “bop”! Well done, you’re now and forever more an official member of Cambridge University, a stigma which will haunt you for the rest of your life and lead anyone else who ever finds out to say “Oooh, you must be clever!”. Things will only gets easier from here, so happy matriculation! *Please note, thrilled as I will be, following this instruction may and probably will lead to bad things. Top ten reasons why Robinson is better than the College you actually applied to. members of your year group, who at matriculation may feel overwhelm- ingly numerous and unfamiliar will become your friends and compatriots, and maybe even something more. At the very least... one can hope. So, young fresher, do not worry, turn your head to the light and revel that you are now a member of one of the most alive and exciting institutions in the whole of Britain. Here are ten more of Robinson’s boasts to fill you with collegiate pride! 1. The food is nicer. As a conference facility, the Robinson college kitch- ens are among the best in the land. 2. The rooms are warmer, prettier and generally more accommodating than almost anywhere else. 3. Robinson was the first and only college built from the outset with the intention of letting in all people, re- gardless of gender, ethnicity or shape. So go and give your fellow man or woman ...or “other”... a big hug! 4. Robinson is, or at least was, the greenest college in Cambridge. Our investments are fairly ethically sound and we just LOVE the environment. 5. Robinson has the nicest porters in Cambridge. FACT! 6. Robinson is the only college in Cambridge that shares it’s name with a popular brand of fruit cordial...! 7. Robinson is... is..... really good for snowball fights...?! 8. R.. Robinson... umm.... 9. Well... I mean... if you like red, it’s TERIFFIC! 10. AND Robinson has YOU in it!!! So, now you know! Robinson is far and away the best college in Cam- bridge, so if you didn’t apply here, sit back and count your lucky stars. If you did, good on you. Ether way it’s going to be a wild ride, so you’d better get ready! Oh, didn’t you hear? Robinson is this seasons Trinity! For goodness sake. There’s a Japanologist in your year... just ask her. What, you might be wondering, is matriculation? Mummy and Dad- dy have abandoned you in a big red brick castle, you’ve been told to avoid ‘horse-play’ at formals, invited to strange 1920s sounding par- ties called ‘bops’, introduced to thousands of people and now they want you to ‘matriculate’. It sounds much like what happens to ro- dents if you put them in a blender. And, like gerbils when the lid is closed, you’re now feeling more than a little terrified! Well, worry not, because matriculation isn’t near as scary as it sounds. Like many words in the near-anachronistic Cambridge vernacular, matriculation is Latin and just so happens to mean “To Register”. It may not be surprising to note, therefore, that matriculation day is like one big registration. Unless... like.... you’re from Japan... Bright-eyed and strangely mesmerising, Liz Guild will work you till your bleed.
Transcript of TheBack Page 03/10/09 Unless like you’re from Japan.. Vol ... · A fresh fresher’s edition, for...
TheBack PageIt’s quite like the other pages, but on the back!
TheBrickSaturday03/10/09Vol:4Issue:4
You’ve Been Robinson’d!
Red Brick Robinson, we love you so! Page 1 | Top of the snobs: Know your College stereotypes Page 3Brick Editor too tired to write anything interesting of funny and really wants to get to be by one. Page 1-4 | A guide to Matriculation Page 4
Duncan ‘Pooled’ Stibbard Hawkes Makes it all better.
Matricuwhatnow? Better Matriculate than never- A guide to surviving Matric!
Disclaimer: The Robinson College brick is a silly publication. If you are offended by any of it’s content, don’t be, it’s not meant to bruise you! If you any of it seems senseless or dull, then please write something better. There’s one more edition coming out before the end of term! Most of all though, remember not to worry during your first few weeks here. You’ll meet a lot of people, and have to remember a lot of things, but by the end of term I promise that things will have sunk in to place. You’ll have the time of your lives.. you lucky things you! Lots of love, Duncan, The Editor ([email protected].)
Cambridge, Cambridge, Cambridge. Ancient buildings rise from the mist, shedding their distinguished shadows on the frosty ground. The smell of musty tomes fills the air and bowler-hatted porters roam the arcane cor-ridors. Or at least, this is what would be happening if you had been good enough to get into the college you applied too. Well, you didn’t... so welcome to Robinson!
But, don’t worry, there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Robinson may not be the oldest or architecturally distin-guished addition to the Cambridge’s collection of colleges. It may not look the nicest. Or smell the nicest. Or have the nicest people in it. Or, in-deed, generally BE the nicest... but it’s still ten time’s better than all the other colleges combined. Why? Because it’s now YOUR college.
Thos red bricks, which at first startled, over the course of the term, will cometo delight and hurt not. The other
A fresh fresher’s edition, for some fresh fresher’s faces.
First you’ll be placed in alphabetical order and shepherded into the auditorium. As you pass through, you’ll be handed a large, black, floppy gown that doesn’t quite seem to fit. The purpose of the gowns is to make students from Cam-bridge look stupider than students from other universities, compensating for the fact that you are probably all cleverer. Yes. Even you. I mean you. You didn’t get in by fluke! Then, just for fun you’ll be placed into reverse alphabetical order and told to line up for a photograph. Worry not, this photograph will be sold back to you at an exorbitant price! While standing for the photograph, please be aware of the man sitting directly in the front-centre of the picture, wear-ing a large top hat. This is the respected ex-police officer and head porter Mr. Colin Barnes and if you can bring me his hat, you’ll be rewarded with a large cash prize*.
After this, comes a speach for the senior tutor, Liz Guild (A.K.A. “Lizzy G”, “Guildylocks” or “The Guild-master-general”). She is in charge of making sure you all do well and will talk for a very long time about how you are expected to work very hard. DO NOT WORRY, if you are an arts student, you can get away almost without doing any work till exam time. If you are a science student, you are permitted to worry a little bit, but remember, you will still not be working near as hard as Liz will suggest. Taking everything she says during this speach with a liberal pinch of salt is an absolute necessity! After this, various other member of the college staff will stand up and tell you not to do things. Colin Barnes will tell you not to set things on fire, Nick Milne will tell you not to buy food that’s not from Robinson’s lucretive canteen if you can absolutely help it and the lovely Briget of I.T. will ask you not to use the Robinson network for orgonized crime
Once you’ve endured the trials and tribulations of the day, prepare yourself for the final challenge: Matriculation din-ner. You’ll be treated to a splendid meal and given the opportunity to make a good impression on senior college staff as well as so much alcohol that you will find acting like a sensible, reasonable human being next to impossible. During my matriculation dinner, I almost threw up onto the alliteratively named Ross Reason, our financial bursar. He remains blissfully unaware of this. At the end of the meal, you will be given a speech from the warden about why he’s called “The Warden” and will then be sent, staggering in the direction of the party room for yet another “bop”! Well done, you’re now and forever more an official member of Cambridge University, a stigma which will haunt you for the rest of your life and lead anyone else who ever finds out to say “Oooh, you must be clever!”. Things will only gets easier from here, so happy matriculation!
*Please note, thrilled as I will be, following this instruction may and probably will lead to bad things.
Top ten reasons why Robinson is better than the College you actually applied to.
members of your year group, who at matriculation may feel overwhelm-ingly numerous and unfamiliar will become your friends and compatriots, and maybe even something more. At the very least... one can hope. So, young fresher, do not worry, turn your head to the light and revel that you are now a member of one of the most alive and exciting institutions in the whole of Britain. Here are ten more of Robinson’s boasts to fill you with collegiate pride!
1. The food is nicer. As a conference facility, the Robinson college kitch-ens are among the best in the land.2. The rooms are warmer, prettier and generally more accommodating than almost anywhere else. 3. Robinson was the first and only college built from the outset with the intention of letting in all people, re-gardless of gender, ethnicity or shape. So go and give your fellow man or woman ...or “other”... a big hug!4. Robinson is, or at least was, the greenest college in Cambridge. Our investments are fairly ethically sound and we just LOVE the environment.5. Robinson has the nicest porters in
Cambridge. FACT!6. Robinson is the only college in Cambridge that shares it’s name with a popular brand of fruit cordial...!7. Robinson is... is..... really good for snowball fights...?!8. R.. Robinson... umm.... 9. Well... I mean... if you like red, it’s TERIFFIC!10. AND Robinson has YOU in it!!!
So, now you know! Robinson is far and away the best college in Cam-bridge, so if you didn’t apply here, sit back and count your lucky stars. If you did, good on you. Ether way it’s going to be a wild ride, so you’d better get ready!
Oh, didn’t you hear? Robinson is this seasons Trinity!
For goodness sake. There’s a Japanologist in your year... just ask her.
What, you might be wondering, is matriculation? Mummy and Dad-dy have abandoned you in a big red brick castle, you’ve been told to avoid ‘horse-play’ at formals, invited to strange 1920s sounding par-ties called ‘bops’, introduced to thousands of people and now they want you to ‘matriculate’. It sounds much like what happens to ro-dents if you put them in a blender. And, like gerbils when the lid is closed, you’re now feeling more than a little terrified! Well, worry not, because matriculation isn’t near as scary as it sounds. Like many words in the near-anachronistic Cambridge vernacular, matriculation is Latin and just so happens to mean “To Register”. It may not be surprising to note, therefore, that matriculation day is like one big registration.
Unless... like.... you’re from Japan...
Bright-eyed and strangely m
esmerising,
Liz Guild w
ill work you till your bleed.
College Stereotypes For DummiesSaturday 3rd October 2009 | TheBrick | 32 | TheBrick | Saturday 3rd October 2009
Yet more ways to pidgeon-hole people you’ve only just met!The Big Questions
A.. A... AAAAAARGH. ARGH. ARGH. AR-GHE-OH-ARGH! ...ARGH!..
....is what you may well be thinking. There are hundreds of people you’ve never met be-fore in your life and the crazy rules of our society dictate that you will have to talk to almost every one of them. But, once you’ve asked them their name, where they come from and what they’re studying, where do you go next? Fear not, here are some helpful conversation starters that will turn you from a gibbering wreck into an eloquent and inter-esting wreck:
“Hahaha, isn’t it funny how everyone is from London!”- This is a truthful, if limited, topic of conversation, as a surprising number of people in each year come from London. You can spend the next few minutes giggling awk-wardly, before shuffling away...
“Hahaha, isn’t it funny how everyone asks the same three questions”- This is a vaguely in-teresting, if limited, topic of conversation, as everyone in the room will ask you the same three questions: Where you’re from, what you’re studying and what you’re called. You can spend the next few minutes giggling awk-wardly, before shuffling away...
“Hahaha, I’ve been told so many different names that I can’t remember any of them!”- This is a useful, and not at all limited, topic of conversation, as you next time you see the person you’re talking too you can make several humerous attempts at guessing their name.... before giggling awkwardly and shuf-fling away...
“Hahaha, weren’t the topics of conversation in the brick really, really awful!”- This is a useful topic of conversation because it’s ab-solutely true. In fact, after you finish reading this article I’d strongly advise that you stop giggling awkwardly and just shuffle away...
AquariusYou have a nice face, Aquarius, but you should try not to get-off-with too many people during freshers week... it only leads to bad things...
LeoBoast relentlessly about your gap year-exploits, Leo, as this will make you much more popular with the rest of your year!
AriesIf you feel lonely during freshers week, Aries, give someone from the RCSA an e-mail. You’ll be okay, so cheer up!
TaurusYou may find yourself worried that everyone else is cleverer than you Taurus. Taurus... you’re probably right.
GeminiThe elliptical orbit of Pluto suggests that you’ll sign up to far too many societies during the fresher’s fair. The elliptical orbit of Neptune fore-sees that your inbox will never quite recover....
SagittariusIf you miss your friends of fam-ily, Sagittarius, give them a ring. They’re probably all wondering how you’re getting on!
Fair FortunesWhat will freshers week lead to? Mystic-Fucking-Duncan has foreseen the answers and can only say that he’s really sorry.
CancerThe angle of the moon can accurate-ly illustrate that lectures will start far earlier than you want them too. This is because weeks in Cambridge start on a Thursday. The moon really doesn’t know why.
PiscesThe light from Mars vaguely points to the fact that you will have a hard job keeping on top of the numerous events on in freshers week. Maybe it’s a good idea to find someone who looks organised and just follow them around....
VirgoThe third moon of Saturn spins into the astral plane of the dog. At a stretch, this could mean that you’ll be tempted to consturct a phallic symbol during the boat building ex-ercise. Yeah... that’ll be really funny Virgo.
LibraTry tickling the bar-staff Libra, it’s guaranteed to go well!
ScorpioI’m really too tired too even try foreseeing your future Scorpio... seriously, I have to get up at NINE tomorrow and, like, it’s already three...
CapricornYou don’t actually believe this rub-bish, do you Capricorn?!
Cambridge University is an odd place. Odd in a particular way. One of only three such odd places in the country. Maybe one of only three such odd places in the WORLD. I don’t know, I really can’t be bothered to look it up. It’s almost five a.m... Anyway, “why is Cambridge such an odd place” I hear you scream through the sleep deprivation induced hallucinations. Well, it’s an odd place because unlike other, more sensible universities, it doesn’t really exist as a single unit. Instead it is divided into thirty-one unique colleges, each burdened with their own unique his-tories and their own unique college stereotype. Like most stereotypes college stereotypes are all totally and com-pletely and in every respect TRUE. Learn these stereotypes to the letter and treat every person you meet from these colleges exactly based on their reputation alone. It’s far easier than actually having to get to know them!
How to break the ice without breaking a
sweat
The King’s SwingersKing’s is well known for being the fun, liberal college. You probably even applied there! I know I did! King’s students are known to be funny, chilled out and more left wing than you could shake a hammer and sickle at. Collectivise the peasants, squeeze the Kulaks, spread the wealth and spend several million pounds renovating the multi-million pound ‘Adoration of the Magi’ in your four hundred year old chapel. The crazy red tinted students of King’s get top marx for their revolutionary hypocrisy and a bag of something green before the champagne course! Just try not to mention Milton Friedman.
The Little Lords of St. JohnsEveryone likes to label Cambridge as a refuge for money laden, clueless children of the aristocracy who are over fed, over edu-cated and over privileged. When you actually get to Cambridge, all these negative stereotypes are happily transferred onto the students of St. Johns. When they’re not busy eating Swan at high table, St. Johns students like nothing more that hunting, shooting, fishing, and talking about how much better they are than the students of other, less privileged colleges! When you see a student of John’s, make sure to tip your hat before yelling “I’d rather be as Oxford than at John’s!”. Trust me, they really love that! It never gets old!
The Arhcitecturally Suspect ChurchhilliansRobinson isn’t the prettiest place in town, sure, but when you put it next to Churchill, it looks like the Sistine Chapel and the hanging gar-dens of Babylon combined. In fact, so dire is the concrete shell of the college itself, that the students have trouble actually creating a stereo-type of their own. The thing looks like a bomb hit it. A bomb probaly should. Come friendly bombs... don’t bother with Slough, Chruchill is the place to go. I’m sure they have a fairly good insurance policy!
And it looks like that’s all we have space for, so here’s a quick run down of the rest: The Newnemites are nubile, students of Trinity are aloof, people from Homerton and Girton are very far away, the folks from Jesus are sick of Jesus-based puns, the Newhall ladies wish their college wasn’t now called Murrey-Edwards and the Robinson Col-lege students are apathetic. As for the rest... I’ll let you form your own snap judgments!
