Real . Comfortable . News.

The Wrangler May 2013 Edition Roman Numeral Twenty-Five

News in Briefs Tainted pins infect doz-

ens of juniors with sen-

ioritis

Meraki becomes Sen-

tient, blocking all web-

sites at Brophy

Local inhabitants of

Gulf of Mexico still

view oil spill of 2010 as

being crude and unusu-

al.

Art critic Marcus Kelly

enjoys new Florence

exhibit at Phoenix Mu-

seum of art, citing it as

being “sick.”

Plans for next year’s

brown bag movement

have already begun

Failure for next year’s

brown bag movement is

within sight.

Danforth recommenda-

tion letter mistaken for

Communist Manifesto.

Printed on recycled Roundups

Higgins attempts to pass bill to ban cat photos

By Reid Bard ’14

By Eddie Faillace ’14

Nostradoody

During a recent lunch break, an un-

named freshman discovered some-

thing miraculous in the far right stall

of the boy’s bathroom in Brophy Hall.

Father Reese stated that, “What

this young man has found will change

the school forever.”

be dated back to as far as 2012, that

read, “I <3 doody.” News of this has

spread quickly leaving the public to

question, “Who is this mysterious

prophet, and what is he trying to tell

us through his immaculate and cryp-

tic message?”

In his newest book, Mysterious Stall

Message: Prophet or Phony, Mr.

Damaso hypothesizes that “Maybe

this prophet is misunderstood, we

Digital

Illustration

by Alec

Knappen-

berger ’13

Luke, we are your new

spaper

Brochella camp out: result of the opportunity gap?

Recently, Brophy celebrated this year’s Summit on Human Dignity on the

topic of the Opportunity Gap. Even more recently, the senior class cele-

brated its quasi-annual “Senior Ditch Day” by camping on the front lawn.

Coincidence? Empirical evidence would show: maybe. Our leading satiri-

calists believe that the Brochella affair is the direct result of the Oppor-

tunity Gap in action. If the camp-out scene were really a “Ditch Day

Event” then why didn’t the Seniors ditch? The Wrangler knows why.

“Because the Gap, man” said Hugh Morris ’15. The Seniors who set up

camp in the front lawn on the morning of April 29th have tragically been

affected by the Opportunity Gap and forced to live on the grassy, but com-

fortable, front lawn. Safety is no longer assured, not even to the student

body. Josh McHockinTosh’13, a popular and now free-range student,

said, “You can’t ditch the gap, bruh. Lawn-life is real, guy.” No further

coherent comments were ascertained.

The administration has made efforts to evict the seniors from their sodded

seats, but many seniors are claiming Squatters’ Rights. By Arizona law,

squatters may possess land they do not own, but have been openly living

on for more than ten years. Senior squatters currently argue their

amassed four years at Brophy are evidence enough for their claim. Sen-

iors also accuse the faculty of both sexism and alignment with Monsanto.

When asked how to solve the ditch dilemma, Deacon Stickney replied,

“I’m sure there are some banks that will give you a toaster.” Truer words

have never been spoken.

don’t truly know if he <3’s doody, or if it is

simply an allegory to the role utilitarianism

plays in societal pressure now a

days” (Damaso 103).

Efforts to persuade Dean Higgins into com-

menting on the issue have proved fruitless;

however, we have evidence supporting a con-

nection between this mysterious message to

the Vatican. Further carbon dating of the

message, conducted by Mr. Mazzolini has

failed because, “The students have broken all

of my beakers”, so we will not know for sure if

the dating of this message correlates with

Pope Francis’s induction as pope.

Right now all we have is speculation, includ-

ing a sworn statement by Mr. McShane that

he saw someone he described as, “Lee Harvey

Oswald” coming out of the bathroom with a

pen. We will keep Brophy updated as more

news comes of this.

Above: What can we say? The man

hearts Doody.

Wrangler pie chart effectiveness

Pie Chart by Reid Bard ’14

By Alexander Khan ’13

The Student population of Brophy remains

angry and confused as new details emerge

about the cancellation of trips due to State

Department travel restrictions, and things

are not getting better. Last Friday the

Higgins administration published an offi-

cial list of the canceled trips. Students

were outraged to find that included on the

list were Manresa, the Central side of the

canal, the Brophy chapel confessionals,

and Xavier.

In a short press conference on Monday,

Dean Higgins said, “These places are un-

der strict travel restrictions. The woods

around Manresa are full of dangerous ani-

mals, three students were attacked, luckily

they all survived.” Though many students

dislike the change, the threats are real.

Last year on a trip to Xavier, the area with

one of the highest threat levels the State

Department has ever issued, four students

went missing and were only found three

weeks ago.

In an interview with Van Ished ’13, one of

the boys who made it out, said, “We were

taken one night by a group of girls who

needed prom dates. We escaped and sur-

vived at Xavier by wearing the native

dress, a plaid skirt and Xavier blouse. It

was a harrowing experience…don’t go

there.” These words of caution however, do

not resonate with everyone.

Tim Broyles ’89, who is a professor of the

study of Brophy State Department restricted

travel areas, said in a counter press confer-

ence that was held three feet to the left of

the Higgins conference, “We should be

able to go to these areas to help. Did you

know that one out of every one Xavier stu-

dents spend less time in school than the

average Brophy student because they get

out two weeks earlier.” The statistics on

these areas are shocking. According to the

Center for shocking but necessary statis-

tics, nearly 100% of all Xavier students

cannot find a movie quality Tin Man cos-

tume to wear to the Oz Prom. Mr. Broyles

went on to say that, “The program that we

have for students to walk along the Cen-

tral side of the canal and pick up un-

collared shirts and flip flops is essential to

the growth of Brophy Students.”

This program was canceled because the

administration thought that too much con-

tact with dress code violations would nega-

tively affect students. Fortunately, the

trips to the Jesuit Garden, Loyola Acade-

my, and North Korea have not been can-

celed and sources say that new trips will

be created to take the place of the canceled

ones.

Left: Mr.

Tim Broyles

concen-

trates his

powerful

and disap-

pointed

gaze toward

the Higgins

administra-

tion.

Brophy cancels trips to Manresa,

students outraged

Tensions on campus continue to rise, as Mr. Hig-

gins threatens a mass censoring of all cat related

images in his new bill entitled “Catspa.” An act such

as this would be devastating to sites such as

Funnyjunk, Tumblr, and 9gag due to their depend-

encies on these feline images. Dean Higgins claims

that, “This will increase GPAs school wide, but

many students cry out “at what cost.”

Mr. Higgins managed to pass the bill through the

House of Tech easily; however, students questioned

its legality as photos of Mr. Pettit holding a 64 oz.

soda container, have recently surfaced. Students

have attempted to fight back against this controver-

sial bill by having a parent sponsored petition creat-

ed, but have run into several road blocks. Adam

Min ’13 asks “How am I supposed to go home and

explain to my parents what a meme is?”

It is clear that if this bill were to successfully pass

that severe rioting would ensue. Some speculate

that this riot could rival even those that occur each

day before lunch, in what we here at The Wrangler

have entitled “The Big Riot Thing Before Lunch”.

Our catchphrase guy is out of town, but I digress.

The final decision on the matter will be decided be-

fore the end of the year, so we will have our answer

shortly, but until then you can continue to browse

your favorite comedic sites while at school. All ex-

cept for Reddit that is. Really, Brophy?

Special Opinion by Nicholas Lydon ’14

This anonymous freshman un-

covered a message, thought to

Editors

Reid Bard ’14

Nicholas Lydon ’14

Alexander Khan ‘13

Moderators

Mr. Steve Smith ’96

Mr. John Damaso ’97

A.M.D.G.

The Wrangler © 2013

The Wrangler is seeking stu-

dent writers and contributors.

Interested?

Wrangler@brophybroncos.org

Like us on Facebook, it will

make your room smell of rich

mahogany.

Teacher’s pet with Mrs. Kaufman By Austin Tymins ’13 and Alexander Khan ’13

Brophy sends Tony Fuller overseas to aid in relief of North Korean tensions

The Flip Side

Photo Illustration By Reid Bard ’14

AT: How is God at work in your life?

DK: I see God in all things…

AT: Oh Sorry, I meant: How is God at work in my life?

DK: What, how could I answer that, how would I know how God is at work in your

life?

AT: Well I though because you were an English teacher you would know some good

stuff for me to say during the Examine.

DK: I guess that you could say that God has helped you to get through hard times

and has allowed you to see the goodness in all people.

AT: That’s good. I am definitely going to use that next time

AT: Next question, what is the meaning of life?

DK I thought these were going to be simple questions. The meaning of life is some-

thing that philosophers and great thinkers have thought about for ages…

AT: Next Question

DK: What?

AT: Next Question

DK: Ok

AT: Is this your card?

DK: Are you doing magic?

AT: Is this your card?

DK: No

AT: Well how about now!

DK: Wow! How did you do that? That is my card.

AT: It’s magic

AT: How do you feel about Brophy’s new rule allowing pets on campus

DK: I am positive that doesn’t exist.

AT: …..

DK: Are you alright?

AT: I need to make a phone call.

Some time later

AT: Who is your favorite musician?

DK: Definitely Lil Wayne, he spits mad rhymes. I have all of his CD’s I listen to

them on my way in to school in the morning. I’m surprised you haven’t seen me, I

drive a white Escalade with the Sub-Woofer in the back.

AT: How do you feel about the Congressional Budget Office’s estimation of the cost

of the Army’s Ground Combat Vehicle Alternatives Program?

DK: What? What are you talking about? I don’t even know what you just said.

AT: If two trains leave the station at the same time, one heading west and the oth-

er east. The westbound train travels 20 miles per hour slower than the eastbound

train. If the two trains are 900 miles apart after 5 hours, what is the rate of the

DK: Is that a math question? It is. I’m not going to do your homework, this is an interview.

AT: What made you decide to vote for Mitt Romney? Was it

a) His ability to connect with the audience

b) His perfect hair

c) Paul Ryan

I chose c.

DK: I didn’t vote for Mitt Romney

AT: Next Question.

AT: What is your favorite hobby?

DK: I like reading, and I am a world class chef and BMX racer.

AT: Thanks, I can definitely use that in my Harvard essay!

DK: What?

AT: Next Question

AT: Do you have any words of wisdom for the graduating class of 2013? DK: You can’t choose the thug life, the thug life chooses you

AT: What do you think of the Wrangler?

DK: No comment.

Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, jafeel? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.

Border Standoff: Central vs. Brophy By Ty-Juan Swasey ’ 15 and Reid Bard ’14

A border dispute over the canal has launched an all

out war between Brophy and Central students. The

North (Central High) emphatically claims that they

own the canal, while Brophy pushes for split owner-

ship, as was tradition. However, in an attempt to

intimidate Central high, Brophy has placed its

strongest students at the border (As Seen Below).

Photo Illustration By Reid Bard ’14

Higgins revealed as Star Trek fan

This year on May 6th, Brophy celebrated

the revenge of the sixth, engaging in an

all out lightsaber battle, only to be

stopped by Dean Higgins. Investigations

lead by Mr. Pettit and the guys at K13

have revealed a shocking truth, Mr. Hig-

gins is a Star Trek fan. He put an end to

the lightsaber fight out of his sour despair

and hatred of Star Wars, and in his fourth

and most recent draft of his roman-

cenovel, Set Phazers to Love, Mr. Higgins

says, “Star Wars is for Yarnekkian Syboks

and Twoozelwhos.” As one can see this

hatred of Star Wars and love of Star Trek

runs deep, and each and every year he

awaits the month of May with umbrage

and anguish. In his office, sources say,

there is a red phone that is a direct line to

William Shatner ’54. He was once seen

By Eddie Faillace ’14, Alexander Khan ’13, and Reid Bard ’14

Photo Illustration By Reid Bard ’14

on the phone asking Mr. Shatner for

advice on new JUG methods so that he

could boldly go where no dean has gone

before. Upon the discovery of this infor-

mation, the Wrangler sat down with

the dean for an interview, “the lightsa-

ber just does not make sense,” he said

“clearly it is not as feasible as the

Phaser, HA HA HA Star Wars is ridic-

ulous.” He then went on to phaser us,

“Star Wars loving Nargflarks” out of

the room, yelling things such as “pew”

and “pewpew.” These harsh words

have angered many diehard Star Wars

fans at Brophy who vowed to keep bat-

tling every May. Mr. Higgins states,

“Wait until next year… Mwuhahaha-

haha.”

Left: A pic-

ture found

by Mr. Pettit

that Mr.

Higgins

meticulously

photo

shopped to

use as his

computer

background.