The Truth, The Half Truth and Anything But The Truth Issue 87

The Wind Farm

Page 4!

Homeless drunks hired to ruin your Christmas for you

Council praised for temporary employment initiative Canterbury council was praised this week after launching a jobs programme for homeless drunks. Councillor Marjory Barjory has hired several local vagrants to turn up at people’s homes this festive season to ruin their Christmas. Speaking from her office, Barjory told The Wind Farm, “Local vagrants will turn up at a random house – drunk of course – and will proceed to upset children, stand on their toys, crash into the kitchen and interfere with the dinner. We expect many to eat most of it before it reaches the table!”. 40 positions were advertised in the Canterbury Gazette and were filled that same day by vagrants eager to spoil family Christmases. One such vagrant, Nicky Nobrain, told us “I used to do it when I still had a home. I’d come back from the pub at 4pm and my dinner would be cold, if the dog hadn’t eaten it! Then I’d get into a fight with my brother in law. It’ll be just like old times”. Another vagrant, who couldn’t remember his name, so we called him ‘Bill’ said, “You can’t beat a good old fashioned spoiled Christmas. I can’t wait to crash through the patio doors and fall onto the table, sending food everywhere. I’m also looking forward to trying to cop off with one of the women when no-one’s looking”. Barjory said, “Christmases have become too enjoyable and incident free lately. We need to spice things up again to make it a Christmas that families never forget – even though they’ll want to! LMAO!” The vagrants are to be let loose at around midday when the pubs open and will be rounded up again at 6pm at a rendezvous outside the Horsebridge Centre. When asked what will become of the vagrants once rounded up, Barjory said, “We may get them to ruin the Morris Dancing tour on Boxing day, just for the hell of it”.

Whitstable ‘Unlikely’ to

change name to

Wallacetable. Canterbury Council rejected proposals this week to change its name to Wallacebale. The vote ended in a unanimous agreement following a proposal by the cheeky TV grocer. “I just thought it might attract a few more visitors to Whitstable”, he said, “Especially after the success of Masterchef”. The rejection follows similar proposals to change Whitstable to Street-Porterville, Al Murrayburg and Harry Hilltable. A council spokesperson admitted, “We are struggling to get people to visitors to shop in Whitstable this Winter, but there are no plans to change its name. And if we did, it would be something like ‘Oystertown’ or ‘Pretty-Little-Shopsville”.

Neil Sloman questioned over involvement with Leo Sayer recording. Popular Whitstable saxophonist Neil Sloman was questioned this week over allegations that he played the solo on Leo Sayer’s ‘When I need you’. Neil, 33, was rumoured to be the saxophonist on the No1 hit in 1977, but has always denied it - but recent DNA evidence may prove otherwise. The Swalwcliffe studio was converted into a baker’s retirement home in 1991 and builders replacing the floor recently found an old saxophone reed shoved under a carpet. “There had been rumours that this building was once a studio where Leo Sayer recorded”, said builder Jim Daniels “And when we found the reeds, it all fell into place. I think someone tried to hide the evidence”. The reeds were handed over to forensic experts who began immediate tests. Sgt Harold Par Boil said, “This could be the breakthrough we’ve been after for years. And having ruled out over 2,000 saxophonists from the DNA results, things are looking a bit bleak for Mr Sloman”. Neil Sloman was unavailable for comment this week, but his solicitor said, “My client was involved in many recordings during the 70s and can’t honestly remember whether he played saxophone on ‘When I Need You. He has requested that he and his family are left alone whilst we await the DNA tests from the reed”.

Duke of Cumberland Carpet to go to auction.

The famous carpet at The Duke of Cumberland was finally replaced this week and Shepherd Neame are auctioning bits of it off at Sotheby’s on Friday. The carpet, which was laid in 1942, is being auctioned in 1 foot square pieces, which the brewery hope will raise money for a new carpet. “We’re confident it will raise money as it has been stood on by many famous people, including Harry Hill and that ginger bloke from Eastenders”, said CEO Robert Neame, “Why, just last week, that bloke from The Thick Of It was seen standing on it”. Sotheby’s auctioneer Ken Littertray said, “No-one has shown much interest, but it’s still early days yet”.

He’s Listening....

Dear Sweary – Why DO birds fly south for the Winter? – C. Brom, Liverpool Sweary Says – Because it’s too fucking far to walk. Next? Dear Sweary – Why does every drummer in every local band look like Colin Lovatt? I saw three different bands at the weekend, and all the drummers looked like him. Is there a factory or something that produces Colin Lovatt drummers? I’d like one for my band. – P. Weller, Surrey Sweary Says – No, they’re not clones. Or robots. They are in fact, all the same person. I know Colin personally and among his many skills is being able to play with two different bands, in two different pubs at the same time. There is a chronic shortage of good drummers locally. I hope this helps. Dear Sweary over dinner my son asked me the spelling of `knob".....as a family we are not sure if its knob* or nob* we need your expert counselling skills in a family therapy capacity to end this crisis !!!! – F. Moorhouse, Faversham Sweary Says – No need for family therapy, my love. Knob / Nob can be spelt either with a ‘K’ or without. Most people prefer ‘Knob’, but then you wouldn’t go into Budgens and ask for a packet of Hob-Knobs, would you?

Dear Sweary – I have encephalitis, and I’ve suddenly become very unpopular. Why is this? – C. MacJupiter, Sittingbourne Sweary Says – Well, no-one likes a big head, do they? Meeeeeeh! Meeeh Meh! Dear Sweary - I keep seeing this post on Facebook (and elsewhere) about how one shouldn't throw gum on the ground because birds think it's bread, eat it and die because it either chokes them or gets stuck in their throat keeping them from eating and drinking so they starve to death. This got me thinking, perhaps we should start making shotgun pellets from piece of gum, so even when we miss the shot, we still have a chance of choking the target to death--assuming we are shooting at birds of course. – Stewart Smedley, Facebook Sweary Says – Mate, any bird that is too fucking thick to tell the difference between bread and chewing gum deserves to choke to death. They slow the rest of us down from evolving. Fucking idiots. Dear Sweary. As a complete novice in the world of reason, I would like to ask your advice on the subject that is "The end of the world", now I understand that Christmas is fucked this year and I'm quite happy with that. What concerns me is, once the world has ended, What are the BBC going to do with their investigation, I fear I may not get the closure needed in this case. C. Babington – Scotland. Sweary Says – The fucking world is NOT going to end!! The Mayan calendar is based on the amount of fingers and toes that they had back then. That’s as fucking intricate as it got. It’s a fucking huge great big scam by Justin Beiber’s manager to get us all to buy his fucking album this Christmas. Now, fuck off.

Pub closed after Ukulele bands fight. The Two Brewers pub was forced to close this week after a fight broke out between rival Ukulele bands. Graveney’s Funky Pluckers were booked for a gig, but a mix up with Swalecliffe band The Plunky Fuckers meant that both bands turned up on the same night. “And that’s when it all kicked off”, said landlord Jeff Banjolele “There were feathers and false teeth everywhere. It’s the worst pub fight I’ve ever witnessed”.

The Funky Pluckers, an eight piece outfit consisting mainly of pensioners, are said to have ‘steamed in’ when the teenage Plunky Fuckers arrived, following a double booking.

“Double booking or not – WE are the main Uke band around here, not some snot nosed arses from Canterbury”, said band leader Val Hennessey (left). Sgt Harold Par Boil of Whitstable Police, said “Me and my men were quickly on the scene, and some arrests were made. There won’t be any charges though, as the

Funky Pluckers have agreed to play at our new year’s eve party”.

Panic spreads through town as fart mistaken for ‘Gabriel’s

Trumpet’. Police and emergency services were called to St Mary’s church this week after hundreds of locals converged on it. The locals claim to have heard ‘Gabriel’s Trumpet’, the legendary trumpet that heralds the end of the world, at approximately 8.00am on Wednesday morning. It was heard again at 8.10am and Police began an immediate search for ‘Gabriel’. But their search lead them to an address on Tower Parade, where they found a man ‘In pants and a string vest’ having his breakfast. “We asked him to try and keep his farting under control”, said Sgt Par Boil, “People are a bit edgy with all this talk of the acropolis”. No charges were made.

Last Oast in Kent “Badly Kevinned”

One of the last unconverted oast houses in Kent has become the subject of a proper going-over by Kevin McCloud of TV’s Grand Designs. Our reporter met project manager Bunty Cillit-Bang (42) and her partner Damien Hog-Roast (41) at the site of the so-called build. “We found this quaint old barn thing,” said Bunty, “and thought we would remodel it in a traditional manner. Some of the interconnected interior spaces had a round floor plan, and that was too whacky for us so we made them a bit straighter, and then Damien had this idea of applying to Channel 4, and that’s how we met Kevin”. Kevin, who has a degree in something vaguely relevant, suggested they reproduce traditional Kentish timber framing but using sustainable concrete and recycled Red Bull cans, to give the build a modern twist. “We liked that, “ said Damien, “ and then we had the idea of making it look like a traditional Public Library because after all they’re an endangered species, and conservation is very much the name of the game here”. It was Kevin’s inspired idea to remove what he called “the strange pointy bits” from the top, and replace the whole upper structure with a roof garden incorporating a bouncy castle and integral laser disco lights.

Work was held up, partly because, according to Bunty, “Kevin was waiting for it to snow so he could film us struggling to work while wearing brightly coloured Peruvian hats with ear flaps.” There was also a three week delay in the delivery of the special expensive glass from Norway (mandatory on all episodes of Grand Designs), but Bunty and Damien found that in fact Kevin had paid the carriers to hang around in Folkestone for a fortnight, while he shot a lot of footage about the breaking strain of a Ryvita and Philadelphia sandwich. The build is now complete, the couple have had two babies (one is a twin) since work began, and they are rightly proud of being only £450,000 over budget. “We’ve been rehearsing the bit where Kevin turns up unexpectedly, kisses everybody in a rather slurpy way, admires the stunning views, and then stands in the evening light saying it’s a thing of beauty,” Bunty gushed excitedly. Lionel Macpherson-Strutt (75) of the Oast and Related Edifices Preservation Society said there would be a meeting in the Village Hall on Wednesday after Cubs, and make sure you’re there, as “we must stamp out this sort of thing before it takes hold.”

Where’s Wallace? ...’ello, ‘ello. What’s going on here then? What’s Wallace doing coming out of a Scat joint, huh? We all know what ‘Scat’ means, don’t we? We bet he does! Scat. Mmmm. Nasty business. Filthy. Scat is, of course, a vocal style much favoured by the likes of Lambert, Ross and Hendricks and that other black fella. There’s an actor called Scatman Crothers as well. But we bet they never got involved in all that dirty birty malarkey. Looks like he’s stocking up for a scat-filled weekend. Probably calls it Scaturday. Disgusting. Shame on you, Wallace....

Shit Whitstable Sunsets. With Brian Sewell.

Take a look at this picture. One is immediately forced to ask ‘Why?’. Why did the photographer bother? And why did we ever allow the digitilasation of photography to bastardize a once glorious art form? But let’s dwell on the picture here. It’s totally without focus, and does nothing to engage the viewer. Emotionless and lacking warmth, despite being a blurred picture of the sun. The photographer didn’t even bother to straighten it before posting it on the net. All it does is capture how utterly dreadful a place Whitstable truly is. I’m grateful that my parents moved away from Whitstable and took me to a better place where I learned to talk like a plummy throated cunt, I really am.

You can still buy The Wind Farm Christmas Annual 2012 at: www.thewindfarmsuperstore.big cartel.com And From: Tea and Times, Dave Brown’s Deli and Harbour Books, Whitstable Googies Cafe Bar, Folkestone For those of you that have already bought it, THANK YOU.

.....ere. Guess what I heard in The Albert. Pubs, right. New Years eve. They charge a tenner to get you in. Some even charge more. Wrong, innit? You go to a pub 364 days of the year, like I do, and then on New Years eve you pay for the fucking privilege of being crushed at the bar. Anyway, get this – ever wondered where the money goes? The pub? The Brewery? No – the ol’ bill. Yeah! It’s a protection racket they reckon. The more you charge on the door, the quicker the police will turn up if it all kicks off. Mate of mine’s girlfriends sister works in admin at the Police station and she reckons that Sgt Par Boil takes back handers. Reckon she saw it. In a brown envelope. You know the New Inn? Didn’t charge to get in last year, right. No need they said. Kicked off in there and the Police didn’t arrive ‘til January 2nd. Fight kicked off around the same time in The Ship – who charged £15 a head – and guess what? Plod were there in seconds. Alright, granted, the cop shop is right opposite, but still.....proves my point, dunnit.

Same goes for Christmas dinners on Christmas day. The more expensive the dinner, the more protection paid to the police. And the police get a free dinner an’ all. This town’s fucking rife with corruption. Anyway, happy Christmas.

The Wind Farm would like to wish our readers a very happy Christmas

and a peaceful new year. Even though many of you didn’t buy the annual,

you freeloading bastards...Sweary

Sweary Seagull appointed Editor-In-Chief at The Wind Farm. The Wind Farm announced this week that its advice columnist and food critic, Sweary Seagull, has taken over as chief editor. Sweary, real name Ignatius, said, “Yep, all editorial decisions are down to me and I’ll start by making TWF a fortnightly publication, starting Friday 4th January”. Sweary has also promised to ‘tone down’ the profanity in an effort to reach a wider audience. “Keeping these fucking lar-dee-dar cunts happy is important if the Wind Farm is to expand”, he said.