The Testicle Fairy
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Transcript of The Testicle Fairy
THE
TESTICLE
FAIRY
by Phantomimic
All rights reserved © RAGG
Now isn't that an eye-catching title for a story? Aren't you curious?
Aren't you asking yourself what the heck is a "testicle fairy" and
what could possibly be written about it? Yes, I thought that would
be the case too, but that is not why I chose this particular title for
this bizarre story. Believe me I did not come up with this title just
to "hook" you into reading it. In fact it was my wife that came up
with the whole concept of a "testicle fairy", but I am getting ahead
of myself. Dear reader, there are two things you must know about
this story. The first thing you have to know is that it is a horror
story.
By now you are getting the gist of it, right? If it is a horror story
there is bound to be fright and blood and death and guts and so
forth and probably some kind of a…….monster. At this point I can
imagine you thinking, "Wait a minute, are you trying to tell me
that…oh, please! Come on, really? "Testicle fairy" Give me a
break! Isn't that just a plain silly and immature name for a
monster? And what will this monster do? Are you really going
to....will it....oh boy, that is low and cheap and just plain dumb!"
Yes, yes, I hear you, and believe me I also know that something
with the ludicrous name of "testicle fairy" will never be able to
compete for your fear as effectively as all the Draculas,
Frankensteins, Grendels and other great monsters that are out there
immortalized in word and song.
But you see, that is not my intention. The second thing that you
must know is that, unfortunately I assure you, I did not "dream up"
this story, although I am publishing it as if that were the case. This
is the only way I can get it published and have others know about
it. You see, the events narrated here actually happened in real life.
Unlike most horror stories this one is true.
At this point dear reader, if I have not lost you already, you may be
saying to yourself something along the lines of, "This gimmick is
the oldest trick in the book. I have seen it all before, etc." I have to
admit that I agree with you and if it were me reading this story I
would most likely quit reading right here thinking that there are
other stories more fit for sensible people to read. However, I must
tell my story in remembrance of Sam and also for the sake of all of
you out there. I need to do my part and gain a measure of closure
for my conscience. So for those few of you that are still with me,
here it goes.
It all started on a Sunday when Sam and I, and our wives, were
returning from a trip to the bowling alley. Sam was driving, I was
seated next to him, Sam's wife Sarah was seated in the back seat
just behind him, and my wife Liz was seated next to her (behind
me). We had had a good time and we were in high spirits chatting
and telling jokes or remembering stories about the good old days.
However we, the "guys" I mean, were trying to get home in time
for the big football game and truth be told Sam was driving a little
recklessly swerving in and out of traffic while passing one car after
another. This behavior elicited vigorous protests from our female
companions who promptly started a psychoanalysis session as to
why men are such lousy drivers.
Sarah ventured that the main problem was that, unlike other
animals, men have no horns, tusks, antlers or plumage that we can
show off, therefore the only way in which we can demonstrate to
our fellow males how "macho" we are is by driving like maniacs.
The two ladies started laughing over this notion and begun to add
additional details. Liz ventured that maybe the degree to which a
man was a reckless driver was somehow proportional to the length
of a certain organ but Sarah quickly stated that she knew for a fact
that that theory was wrong.
Sam immediately wailed, "Hey, wait a minute!" as the women
were giggling themselves silly, and I boldly joined the fray stating
that I knew for a fact that my friend Sam, when it came to those
matters, was definitely not in the shallow end of the gene pool, so
to speak; wrong thing to say.
Sarah shot back, "And how do you know?" after which Liz added,
"Is there something I need to know about you and Sam?" In vain I
tried to explain over their laughter the realities of men bathing and
dressing in the same premises after sporting activities. At this point
we had started our climb towards Sand Bucket Hill. I clearly
remember this because the large white water tower at the foot of
the hill had made its appearance and caught my attention as it
usually does when I drive by there. It was here that my wife came
up with the idea.
Now before I tell you what happened next, you have to understand
that this was a perfectly harmless joke conceived in the spur of the
moment. My wife is very creative (she writes children's books) and
she comes up with these wild ideas all the time. Much in the same
way that a magician pulls a rabbit out of a hat she can create entire
scenarios and characters out of thin air.
My wife said, "Wait, I know why men are such reckless drivers;
it's because of the testicle fairy!"
Everyone in the car stopped talking, and regarded her with puzzled
looks, Liz took advantage of the lull to elaborate.
She said, "You see, in their heart of hearts men know that there is
this evil fairy that visits them at night with a pair of scissors, and if
they have not accumulated enough points driving recklessly during
the day, she cuts them off!" This she said imitating the cutting
action of scissors with her fingers.
We all laughed at this notion but I then pointed out to Liz that Sam
had nothing to fear from this fairy because he had been the proud
recipient of two speeding tickets in the last month.
She replied, "No, no, if you get caught it does not count, and look
Sam has received the first warning" and she pointed to a small odd
shaped rash that Sam had in his arm.
"This is the first warning of the testicle fairy, you get 3 more, a
total of 4 and the day after the fourth one, if you still have not met
your quota, she marks you a fifth time and snip, snip, snip and off
they go!"
Even more laughter now, "What has your wife been drinking?"
asked Sam. "Women should not talk about issues that are so
sensitive to us guys," I said.
But Liz here got vindictive and shot out into one of her creative
rants employing a sadistic voice, "Yes, she appears late at night
making odd scraping sounds while flapping her bat-like wings. An
ancient fire burns in her lidless eyes giving an incandescent
crimson glow to her hairless wrinkled skin. Through her veins
flows cursed green blood. She is small but she is as strong as a
hundred men. Her shrill screams beckon the wrath of hell upon
those poor male souls that dare not to drive recklessly enough and
at the end of her bony right hand she brandishes the ghastly
instrument with which she performs her evil deeds!"
"Oooohhhh," I cried in feigned panic while waving my hands
while Sarah was laughing so hard she was almost crying. It was at
this moment that we reached the top of Sand Bucket Hill and then
it happened.
It was Liz who noticed that Sam performed several strange back
and forth jerking movements with his head and right away started
calling his name even as Sarah and I continued laughing. "Sam,
Sam, Sam, are you all right, Sam?"
As I looked in Sam's direction his body fell forward and his head
sideways towards me, his eyes were white. While Sarah started
catching on and asking what was happening it dawned on me that
not only had Sam stopped driving altogether but that we had gone
over the top of the hill and now were heading down, gaining speed
and approaching a curve.
I immediately pushed Sam sideways and grabbed hold of the
wheel. I managed to get the car (which thankfully was automatic)
in a lower gear and slowed it enough to take the curve without
keeling over. Sarah had transitioned from nervous questioning to
screaming, "Oh my God." over and over while Liz just sat frozen
silent next to her. I managed to switch my leg over to the driver's
side of the car and squirming past the collapsed hulk of Sam I
stepped on the brake. The car skidded for a moment but then
stopped and I put on the hand brake and the flashers. The next
priority was Sam, what had happened to him?
With the help of Sarah and Liz I managed to get Sam out of the car
and to the curb of the road but as we got there he regained
consciousness and looked around confused. We started asking
whether he was OK and inquiring what had happened. After a few
minutes of rest Sam said that he had felt a huge pressure build up
inside his head and then he felt it was released all of sudden.
Apparently this occurred very fast several times making him
convulse and then it all went black. After some time we got back in
the car and I drove the rest of the way with Sam seated next to
Sarah in the back seat where he fell asleep.
That afternoon Liz and I baby-sat their kids while Sarah took Sam
to the hospital, which was no big deal because we live in the same
neighborhood and our house is a short walking distance from
theirs. Although the exams came out negative, the doctor
recommended that Sam should not drive for several days. This was
not a problem as Sam and I work in the same business. I work in
human resources, Sam works in accounting and we often carpool
anyway. The next day, Monday, when I took Sam to work he tried
to pretend that everything was fine but I could clearly tell he
looked worried and also seemed very tired. Sarah had told Liz that
Sam woke up late at night and then had trouble going back to
sleep. After an uneventful day I drove Sam back and we each went
to our respective homes.
It was on Tuesday that things started getting creepy. That morning
Sam showed up early at my house and asked to talk to me in
private. We went out to the porch while Liz was waking up our
kids and feeding them breakfast. Sam was very distraught and
confided to me that he thought he was losing his mind. He told me
that on Sunday late at night he had heard noises around the house
and thought he saw something outside the living room window. He
was concerned it was a burglar so he took his gun and investigated
but found nothing, not even footprints. However, on Monday night
he was awakened again by these noises and he told me that he did
see something outside but by the time he got his gun, it was gone. I
asked what he had seen.
He said, "Rick, this is stupid, this is silly, I think I'm going nuts,
but you are my best friend, we share everything and you have to
hear me out."
Sam at this point placed his forehead in his hands, he seemed on
the verge of having a nervous breakdown. He continued, "Rick
remember that shit your wife said about the testicle fairy?"
At this utterance I just stood there wide-eyed regarding him with
amazement and then I started laughing.
"Ah shit Sam, isn't it too early in the morning for one of your
practical jokes? Is this your way of getting back at me for what
Liz..." here Sam interrupted me.
"Please shut up and listen to me, I am not joking!"
There was anger on Sam's face and he appeared very anxious.
He said, "Look, there is something I have to show you," and he
pulled up his sleeve. "Remember this rash I had?" he said.
Sure enough, the oddly shaped rash spot on his shoulder was still
there but below there were two identical ones, a total of three. I
looked at him incredulously and didn't quite know what to say.
I mumbled something like "Sam, what are you trying
to...what....I....are you telling me that....."
Sam interrupted me, "Rick, I thought I saw something on Sunday
night. I was not sure, but I am sure as hell of what I saw Monday
night. It was looking at me through the living room window, it was
just like your wife described it scissors and all!"
I could not believe it. This was my friend Sam, the same Sam that
had been in a war as part of the army's demolition unit, the same
Sam that would go out hunting, and fishing with me. He stood 6
feet tall, weighed 200 plus pounds and had a reputation for taking
"no shit from no one".
After a few minutes I managed to calm him down with comments
along the line of, "Please listen to yourself." and "You are an
adult." I suggested that what he had been hearing and seeing was
just a by product of his "fainting spell" so to speak, and the rash
was, of course, just some creeping inflammation of sorts. I had him
promise that he would go to the doctor that afternoon after work,
and while we were at the office I made sure that he dialed the
doctor's office and made an appointment. When we finished work I
personally took him there. After hearing Sam out the doctor was as
perplexed as me but just as I expected the he speculated that a
mixture of Sam's fainting spell plus his mind becoming fixated on
my wife's story was responsible for what Sam was experiencing
and he prescribed some sleeping pills plus an ointment for the rash
in his shoulder as well as recommending further tests. I then took
Sam home and told Sarah to make sure that he took his pills before
going to sleep.
That night as Liz and I were going to bed we got a frantic call from
Sarah, apparently someone had broken into their house. I left Liz
with the kids, ran over to Sam's house and saw a police car at the
entrance.
As I entered the house the police were leaving and one of the
officers was saying, "We'll keep a watch on the house ma'am."
Sam was lying in the living room sofa trying to stay awake and Liz
was very nervous. A small section of the large living room glass
door to the porch was missing but it was not shattered, it had been
cleanly cut as with a diamond cutter. I wanted to ask some
questions but the immediate priority was the kids who were now
wide awake. I helped Sam back to his bed while Sarah took the
kids to their bedroom.
Sam was in a daze but as soon as we were outside the hearing
range of the kids he said, "It came back again tonight Rick, Sarah
saw it."
I said, "Sam, for heavens sake your house was broken into, that's
all."
As I laid Sam on the bed he said, "Look at my shoulder." I did, he
had four of those oddly shaped rashes, one next to the other. I
asked whether he had put on the ointment the doctor prescribed but
he had fallen asleep.
I called Liz to say that I would be late and helped Sarah with the
kids. I am their "Uncle" Rick and they like me a lot. Afterwards
while I placed a piece wood over the missing section of the glass
door, and moved a shelf in front of it, Sarah told me what she had
told the police. Sam had taken his pills and they had gone to sleep.
However, later in the night Sarah was woken up by a noise in their
bedroom and she saw that there was someone next to Sam's side of
the bed. When she screamed it immediately darted out of the room.
Sarah rushed to the children's bedroom and Sam woke himself up
enough to make his way around the house holding a baseball bat
but found nothing except the opening in the glass of the living
room door. They then called the police to report the incident. I
asked Sarah if she had seen the intruder. She was uncomfortable
with this question but then told me that both she and Sam had
agreed to tell the police that in the darkness of the bedroom they
could not see well.
Sarah started sobbing, "Oh, Rick, you may think I am crazy but we
had the nightlight on in the hallway so I could see well enough in
the twilight. It was like a bald old dwarf and its eyes seemed to
glow red. When it left the room I saw that it had something bulging
out of its back, it looked like wings that had been folded."
Wednesday morning I learned that Sam had decided to take the
day off. As Liz works at home I told her that whenever she took a
break she should visit Sarah and Sam and check how they were.
Liz called me later on in the morning, she sounded alarmed and
almost at the point of crying. She told me that she had gone to their
house and Sam and Sarah had asked her to sit down in their living
room and talk to them about the testicle fairy. Liz could not believe
it, she was aghast but Sam and Sarah were dead serious and
pressed her. Sam asked her how it could be killed. Liz just replied
that she had concocted that story, that it was not true that she didn't
know but Sam and Sarah got aggressive with her. At one point she
wanted to leave and Sam blocked the door while Sarah screamed at
her that she was the one that created it, that that thing was now
trying to kill Sam and that she was not leaving until she told them
how to get rid of it. Liz lost it and started screaming back at them
that they were nuts. After some back and forth during which Sam
tried to grab her by the arm they let her go but she felt pretty
shaken.
I was furious and at the end of work I went directly to Sam's home.
Sam was not there and their kids had been sent to their
grandmother's house. Sarah tried to apologize and begged my
understanding but I was not sympathetic. I told her that her
family's fantasies had gotten way out of hand and that in my
opinion they were sick and needed a shrink. Sarah broke down and
started crying while protesting that I had not been there and had
not seen what she had seen, what Sam had seen. I asked her where
Sam was and she composed herself for a minute and told me that
he had had an idea to "deal with the ....situation". I said that that
was very good but that on the meantime they should refrain from
calling or in any way contacting my wife or my kids as I would
otherwise call the police. As I left Sarah shut the door but I heard
her begin to sob again on the other side as I left.
I saw Sam again on Monday. He had changed, he looked again like
the old Sam that I knew. He came over to my desk and apologized
for what had happened, which he blamed on all the stress from his
fainting spell and its aftershocks, so to speak, and his house getting
broken into and so forth. I accepted his apologies and we talked for
a little while. I asked him about the rash. He showed me his
shoulder and I saw that only one of the oddly shaped rash marks
remained.
"See, the ointment is working" I said.
Sam looked at me in a funny way but agreed, "Yes, yes it is," he
said.
We ended the conversation by agreeing to have a picnic for the two
families on the weekend, probably Saturday. I offered to take Sam
to work tomorrow but he said that now he was driving again.
Tuesday Sam did not show up for work. Sarah called later in the
day and told Sam's supervisor that her husband had had a car
accident while returning home from work on Monday. He had
been taken to the hospital because he had a gash in his head but
otherwise he had suffered no serious injury and would not be back
to work until next week. That day I called Sarah to ask about Sam
but she was evasive and just said that he was all right but needed to
rest and requested we not visit him.
Wednesday Sam, as expected, did not show up for work either but
something unsettling happened. I went out to lunch with other
people in our human resources team. As we walked into the
restaurant I noticed an old acquaintance of mine, Roger, leaving
the fast food place next door. Roger is a policeman, he had gone to
high school with me and Sam. We used to be close before the
demands of our professions separated us. After some catching up
Roger looked around and in a hushed voice asked me about Sam
and whether he was "OK". I didn't quite understand what he meant
and just gave him a generic answer. He said that he was not
supposed to tell me this but then he revealed that he had caught
Sam speeding Monday morning and had been forced to give him a
ticket, and so had a fellow officer friend of his on Sunday. He also
knew that Sam was involved in a crash later on Monday, and that
his driving license was going to be revoked. I was shocked and just
mumbled a little about Sam maybe having these problems as a
result of his fainting spell and his house getting broken into. I
debated later on in the day whether to go to Sam's house but Liz
convinced me to just stay home.
Thursday Sam didn't go to work either and after work I went
directly to their house. Sam answered the door but refused to let
me in. Sarah had left to take the kids to her mother's house. He
looked pale and tired, had a bandage on his head and was wearing
an undershirt. On his shoulder I saw 4 of the oddly shaped rashes.
"Sam, what the hell is going on with you?"
With a smile on his face he just answered, "What is the point in
telling you, you would never believe me."
I said, "Sam, listen to me you need to get some help, you need..."
Sam interrupted me while waving his hand in a dismissive gesture.
"Rick, it's useless. You are slowing me down and I have work to
do, please just promise me one thing."
I felt powerless, this was my best friend but something had taken
hold of his head and refused to let go.
"What," I said.
Sam spoke softly, "Please take care of Sarah and the kids...if
something happens to me. Keep an eye on them, OK?"
I was dumbfounded, "For heaven's sake Sam, what the hell are you
talking about?"
"Rick please, just promise." Sam asked pleadingly.
I was getting mad, "Sam you know I will take care of them, of
course I promise, but nothing is going to happen to you, you will
not....."
Sam waved at me and said, "Thanks, bye." and then closed the
door. I stood at the doorstep trying to get him to open the door
again but he would not answer.
That night as Liz was putting the kids to bed upstairs Sarah
knocked on our door; she was hysterical. Sobbing uncontrollably
she begged for our help while repeating over and over that there
was not much time. I let her in and sat her in the couch of the
living room. She said that Sam had shoved her out of the house
because he was going to face it alone.
"Face what?" I asked.
Sarah screamed angrily, "Face what? Face what? How can you ask
that? Face the fucking testicle fairy God damn it! That thing your
wife brought into this world! Oh my God, oh my God, that thing is
going to cut off my husband's balls tonight and nobody believes
me, nobody cares!"
Sarah collapsed weeping on the floor in a fetal position wrapping
her head with her hands.
I can't even begin to describe the strange emotions that I felt then.
Part of me was so amused at the sheer stupidity of this ludicrous
statement that it just wanted to burst out laughing. Another part of
me was so embarrassed by how this grown up person and her
husband could seriously sink so low into believing this silliness
that it just wanted to kick her out of the house. Yet another part of
me was concerned that I had let a raving lunatic into our home and
was seriously considering restraining her and calling the police.
But there was the part of me that saw the wife of an old friend who
believed him to be in danger for whatever reason and just wanted
my help. This was the part that won over the others, but narrowly.
While Sarah lay collapsed crying on the floor I turned around and
climbed halfway up the stairs to intercept Liz who was coming
down to see what all the screaming was about. I feared that if
Sarah saw her she may get violent as she seemed to blame her for
whatever was happening, so I asked her to please stay upstairs with
the kids. She was furious that I had let Sarah into the house and did
not want to leave me but somehow I managed to convince her to
go back. When I returned to the living room Sarah had seated
herself but again started her rant about me helping her and Sam.
I said, "Sarah, please tell me what has been happening. I promise I
wont interrupt you. I promise I won't say anything. Just tell me."
Sarah in between sobs but in a hurried fashion explained that last
Wednesday Sam had figured out that the testicle fairy would not
harm him if he went out and drove his car recklessly. That is what
my wife had said, and it had worked. The thing had not shown up
at night that day and Sam did not get a fifth rash mark. Sam did the
same thing on Thursday and one of his rash marks disappeared.
After Friday, and Saturday his rash marks were down to one. She
said they hoped his marks would go away but then Sam was caught
speeding on Sunday, and Monday morning, and then he crashed
the car on Monday afternoon. She said that my wife had said that if
you get caught it does not count. So the thing had returned on
Monday and Tuesday nights at the hospital room where Sam had
spent the night. He came back from the hospital on Wednesday and
that night they had seen it again.
Sarah here was raving. She described how the thing had sneered at
Sam from outside the living room window making a high-pitched
noise and had opened and closed her scissors at him several times
taunting him before leaving. She said Sam now had four rash
marks on his shoulder and that meant the thing would be coming
after him today. She told me that Sam had bought ammunition for
his rifle and his handgun and a bunch of other stuff to booby-trap
the house. She thought that she would be there to face it with him
but he had pushed her out of the house, bolted the door from inside
and told her to stay away.
When I heard this last part I immediately knew what I had to do.
Whether what she was saying was true or not was no longer
relevant. The important thing is that Sam believed it and that he
had locked himself in their house apparently planning to use his
guns. I quickly went upstairs and told Liz that Sam was in danger
and that she should call the police. I didn't tell her about the guns
but I told her to tell them that somebody was trying to break into
their house. Then I went downstairs and for a moment considered
leaving Sarah behind but I decided against that because I did not
want her near Liz or the kids. Without telling Liz both Sarah and I
left for Sarah's house.
It was a clear night, the moon shone very bright in the sky, and
there was a cool breeze, all eerily peaceful. Sam's house lay in
darkness in the distance. It was a large house, the oldest in the
neighborhood, which Sam and his wife had inherited from Sam's
late parents. As we got to their place a patrol car pulled up to the
entrance. We intercepted the police, a woman and a man, and
Sarah told them that that was her house, that there was an intruder
inside and that her husband had stayed behind to face him (on the
way I told her to talk to the police about an "intruder"). As we
raced to the entrance and started knocking at the door yelling
Sam's name the gunshots started.
The police pulled out their weapons and crouched. Inside there was
a big commotion and Sam could be heard screaming out words that
we could not understand between shots but we also heard some
strange shrill sounds. The officers tried to open the door but it was
bolted from the inside. One of them then kicked at one of the
windows but when it did not break yelled to get back and then shot
at it. The window collapsed, the officer kicked at the broken glass
on the sides and climbed inside followed by the other one who
yelled at us to stay outside. As soon as the second officer had
disappeared behind the window frame I quickly dashed into the
house behind her, and Sarah followed me.
Inside all hell seemed to have broken loose. The sound of gunshots
reverberated throughout the house mixed with the sound of
smashing glass and assorted falling objects. The officers made
their way to the living room with us following behind. The room
was in darkness but they were using their flashlights. It was chaos,
the windows were smashed, most of the furniture was upturned
and there were remnants of a net of some type all over the place.
The walls had gunshot holes and there were strange green
splotches on several places. This we just saw for a brief instant
because we realized that the gunshots and the commotion
continued upstairs. As the officers started climbing the stairs a
huge explosion made them retreat and we were showered with
debris. Looking upstairs we noticed that moonlight now
illuminated the inside of the house and we realized that a hole had
been blown in the roof.
During a moment of silence we saw the flicker of a flashlight and
we heard Sam's voice yell, "I caught you, mother fucker!"
One of the officers yelled, "This is the police, stop shooting and
come down the stairs with your hands up."
I yelled, "Sam are you alright?" and Sarah also screamed his name.
Sam screamed back, "Rick, Sarah, get the hell away from here, I
don't know if...." he paused and then screamed, "Oh shit'!
We heard a scream and something darted flying across the upstairs
towards the hallway where Sam's voice seemed to come from. A
gunshot stopped it in midair as bits and pieces were blown off the
thing. I thought it looked like a gargoyle. It was flapping its wings
and screaming. More gunshots impacted the thing but it kept flying
and disappeared down the hallway. I heard one of the officers say,
"What the hell was that?" and then they both went up the stairs
with their guns and flashlights pointing forward, and we followed
behind.
The commotion, gunshots, and screams continued down the
hallway to the right but there was a huge hole in the floor that
made it impossible to go there. On the other side of the hole a fire
had begun to burn. We heard sounds like wood smashing and more
gunshots. There were more of those high pitched screams, and I
heard Sam scream something back. We just stood there frozen as
we heard the gunshots shift from the right towards our left. Sarah
said, "He is out in the balcony. It runs outside the back of the
house. You can reach him from that room." and she pointed to a
door halfway down the hallway to the left. As the officers took a
step in that direction another huge explosion rocked the whole
house. The officers, startled, stopped in their tracks, and Sarah
screamed, "Go help my husband kill that thing."
They looked at her, looked at each other and started approaching
the room with us still following behind. Then the gunshots and the
screams began again.
The officers paused briefly in response to the renewed commotion.
After a moment, they started approaching the door again but it
opened abruptly and Sam dressed in his hunting gear came through
and slammed the door behind him. He was covered in dust and
blood and was carrying his rifle with a flashlight attached to it. He
also had a handgun, what appeared to be several clips of ammo,
and his vest pockets had odd bulges. The officers immediately
pointed their weapons and flashlights his way and I don't know by
what miracle they did not fire on him right away.
One of the officers yelled for him to freeze and drop his weapons.
Sarah and I screamed at the officers not to shoot him. On the other
side of the door we could hear high pitched screams mixed with
many other noises. It was like a whirlwind of metal, glass and
wood being banged against the walls.
Sam fell to the ground and yelled, "Take cover!" We all did and
felt another explosion behind the door, which bulged out and
cracked but held in its place. We were showered by plaster and
debris from the roof and one of the roof beans came down and
almost hit the woman officer.
"What the fuck is going on here?" the male officer screamed
angrily. Sam was reloading and said, "No time to explain, it is
coming through the door, I can't stop it so I am going to take it
down with me!"
Sarah yelled, "Sam, no!" but he had already started retreating down
the corridor and yelled, "Rick get Sarah out, all of you get out, if
you stay here you will die."
The officers were confused. Not knowing quite what to do, they
kept pointing their weapons and flashlights at Sam, and Sarah
alternated between screaming, "Sam!" and "Don't kill my
husband!" Then we heard a shriek and scraping-like sounds
quickly approaching from the other side of the door.
Sam quickened his pace and yelled, "Get away from the door!"
The officers had the good sense to retreat a few steps and then the
door exploded outwards in pieces as a figure crossed the threshold
and hovered in the air flapping its wings as the flashlights of the
officers beamed on it.
The creature was just like my wife had described her in her joke; I
even saw the scissors at the end of its hand. However, it was
covered in dust and had bits and pieces of metal and wood sticking
out of its body plus what appeared to be remnants of a fishing net
dangling about it. The thing also was seriously injured. It had
wounds all over its body from which a green liquid seemed to
ooze. It had two large holes in its chest, one of which seemed to go
straight through to its back. Parts of its skin were charred and it
seemed to be missing a foot. However, in the few seconds it stood
there flapping its wings hovering over us I realized that its wounds
were rapidly healing. Its foot was growing back, its skin was being
replaced, and fragments of wood and metal were being pushed out
of its body and falling to the floor. It was regenerating!
The officers got over their initial amazement, and cursing started
firing their guns at the thing. The creature's body jerked at the
impacts but remained airborne, soon the officers ran out of bullets
and their guns began clicking. The thing uttered an ear-piercing
high-pitched sound and made as if to attack us when another
gunshot shook its body.
From the other side of the hallway Sam screamed, "Want my balls,
motherfucker, come and get them!"
The creature turned around and darted towards Sam. Sam pumped
two more shots into the thing, screamed at us, "Get out!" and
disappeared into a room at the end of the hallway shutting the door
behind him.
The creature reached the end of the hallway and started slamming
its way through the door. What Sam had said earlier finally
reached the decision-making centers of my brain and I understood
what we had to do.
I yelled to Sarah and the officers, "We have to leave!" grabbed
Sarah and started dragging her to the stairs. Sarah resisted and
continued screaming Sam's name but I asked the officers to help
me. As we went down the stairs we heard again more screams,
gunshots, and the same sort of noises we had heard before, as
though a huge wild animal had fallen into a trap made up of a
thousand metal and wooden pieces.
We left the house and I saw that more patrol cars were arriving,
some of the people in the neighborhood had also shown up and
were standing a distance away or behind nearby trees. As we
rushed past the officers emerging from the new patrol cars I yelled,
"Get back! Everyone get back! There are explosives in that house!"
The officers coming with us also repeated my warning.
We could still hear gunshots. Through the very large window of
the upstairs room on the left side of the house we could see flashes
of light after each detonation coming from a source of light on the
right of the window, but then the flashes ceased. For a moment
everything was still until a figure seemed to cross through the air
from left to right the expanse of the window zeroing on the source
of light on the right. It was then that a large burst of radiance
blinded us.
The shock wave of the explosion knocked all of us to the ground as
the left side of the house was blown to smithereens. We felt an
intense heat and covered our faces as further explosions followed
the first. The flying debris injured many officers and bystanders.
Sarah and I ended with shards of glass and splinters of wood in our
skin but thankfully our eyes were spared.
A full minute passed as we all helped each other back on our feet
while still taking glances at the flames that now consumed what
was left of the house. Sarah was sobbing uncontrollably and sirens
wailed in the distance. I heard a voice call my name, it was Liz
who had left the kids with a neighbor and had come over. I began
to answer Liz's questions when somebody screamed. We al turned
towards the house. There was something moving among the
flames.
With collective gasps and cries of, "Oh my God!" and, "What is
that?" an all too familiar winged figure slowly emerged above the
fire and continued to climb higher. Someone next to me screamed,
"You didn't get him! You didn't get him, did you bitch, did you?"
Sarah bolted past me running towards the house.
"Sarah!" I yelled, but two officers caught and restrained her before
she got too close.
"You failed, you failed miserably, you didn't get him!" Sarah
yelled with a mixture of anger and defiance, "Go to hell bitch! Go
back to where you came from!"
The creature was now bobbing some 30 feet above the flames. It
raised one of its arms brandishing its scissors while uttering a loud
shrill scream that made us all cringe, then did an about-face and it
disappeared flying into the darkness behind the burning ruins.
And that is it. We were treated for our injuries, we made our
statement of the event, and so did the two officers that were inside
with us, and other witnesses who saw the creature at the end. As
the country was preoccupied with other matters the occurrence
never received more than a few lines in the major news outlets and
was pretty much hush hushed by the authorities. It was explained
away as an accident; a gas leak while an individual was defending
his house with firearms against an intruder. For some bizarre
reason none of the pictures or videos the neighbors took showed
the creature. Some of the details of the occurrence were leaked to
the sensationalist media but the whole thing died down in a week
or two.
Sarah and her kids moved in with her mother and sold the land on
which her former home had stood. It has been difficult for me to
fulfill my promise to Sam as Sarah will have nothing to do with me
or Liz even after we tried to apologize for not believing them;
Sarah still suspects that Liz had something to do with the
appearance of the creature. However, I try to keep track of them
through an acquaintance of mine that lives near them. So far they
seem to be doing well, or as well as can be expected.
As to Sam, he was a man till the end (yes I realize this has more
one than one meaning). He knew that he was alone. He knew that
no one would believe him or help him, so he decided to face the
creature on his own terms. Sam had extensive knowledge of
explosives and knew what materials he needed to build them and
where to buy them. I learned through my cop friend Roger that
some remnants of charred bones were found among the ruins and
they were given to Sam's family. If there was a funeral it was never
announced and we were never invited.
The story should end here but I refuse to do that without proposing
some speculations that may give some meaning to this twisted tale.
In the introduction to this story I clearly stated that, as far as
monsters are concerned, the testicle fairy falls short on many
counts. Perhaps the most important is that we have come expect a
certain set of motivations behind the purpose of monsters.
Vampires want your blood, the living dead and other assorted
creatures want your flesh. The seeking of nourishment to survive is
a central principle of life even if the human species happens to be
the food on the table. Another strong motivation is taking back
what has been stolen from you or revenge upon those that did: the
Leprechaun wants its gold back, and the mummy casts its curse on
those who steal the artifacts. Revenge is a central theme of human
history. There is also the good old-fashioned quest for power and
what you are willing to do for that. Many of the greatest monsters
of all time sought this, and quite a number of them were perfectly
normal-looking people with no horns, tails or pointed teeth. And
the list goes on, living forever (Dorian Grey and his portrait),
creating life (Frankenstein), mating (monster of the black lagoon)
etc, etc, etc.
These are all very ancient (and human) motivations that give
purpose to actions. A monster may be wicked, evil, blasphemous,
immoral and what not, but what it does is coherent, logical, even
reasonable. If someone tells you that there is a monster out there
doing these things a small part of you will at least accept that it is
believable because, IF there were a monster out there, then this is
what it would be doing. Now consider the testicle fairy and what it
does: it cuts off the testicles of men who have not driven recklessly
enough.
It just doesn't make sense and many questions come to mind. Why
on earth would any monster want to do that? Cruelty? A sadistic
delight at inflicting pain? Exploiting the ancient fear of castration?
Maybe, but why in this strange context? Why would a monster
base its modus operandi on requiring its victims to violate human
traffic laws? What did it do before the invention of cars, or scissors
for that matter? I think this is what makes the testicle fairy such a
hard sell as a monster. It is not believable, it sounds like a joke.
But this, I believe, is precisely the key to understanding the testicle
fairy. It was a joke, it was a joke told by my wife and her
description of the thing and what it did was one hundred per cent
accurate (and in case you wondered, yes, the testicle fairy was a
"she", it was female). There is just no way that all this could have
been a coincidence.
I believe that my wife's joke was somehow brought to life in the
real world at the moment she told it. In case you are also
wondering, yes I believe Sam was its first victim or intended
victim, after all how many cases of castration occur in this country
each year among good drivers? But I also believe that Sam had
something to do with the creation of this creature. Remember the
fainting spell and how it left him exhausted? I believe that it was
Sam (and not my wife) who actually created the testicle fairy at
that particular moment. Now, how could that have possibly
happened?
In our age of technological wonders and scientific achievements it
is pretty much believed, and some would say it has been proven,
that thoughts are nothing more than patterns of electric activity
generated by our brains. Thoughts cannot leave our brain and
materialize in the physical world and when we die our thoughts die
with us. Indeed that may be the case now but is there the
possibility that things may have been different in our past?
Bits and pieces of oral history, and legends from ancient people
hint at a past where the line dividing the world of thoughts from
the real world was not as clear-cut as it is today. In these tales there
are hints that certain people, perhaps people with a very particular
brain structure, were able to give form to their thoughts through
complex rituals carried out in places specially built to amplify and
focus their thoughts. Nowadays the knowledge of how to do this
has been lost and the places have been destroyed or lie in ruins.
But maybe some people still exist, a few among millions, that still
have some vestige left of this "ability", and maybe some of the
ruins of these places still retain some of their ancient functionality.
At this point there are two facts I must present.
The first is that a year before our fateful drive, the area on the
western side of Sand Bucket Hill next to the road we followed, was
in the local news. Some strange ruins were discovered there and an
archeology group promptly begun an excavation. After some
artifacts found on the site were dated a controversy erupted that
still goes on today but has not been widely publicized. The origin
of the ruins was calculated to date back over forty thousands years,
making them older than any of the previously dated ruins in North
America.
The second fact is that the Monday after our weekend drive an act
of "vandalism" at the site was reported by the local newspapers. It
seems that the remnants of a vault at the center of the site had been
demolished during the weekend. Curiously the slabs of stone had
been spread out in a circular fashion as though something had
exploded out of it. The article mentioned that fortunately the
archeologists had taken detailed pictures of the vault and were able
to reconstruct it again.
So I ask myself, could the Sand Bucket site have been one of those
ancient places where thoughts were turned into matter? If so, could
it still have retained after all these tens of thousands of years a
significant capacity to channel and focus thoughts? Could it be that
Sam was one of those very rare persons that unknowingly still
possessed the "ability"? If so, could it be that my wife with her
joke made something go "click" inside his brain? Could it be that
the mental activity that originated in Sam's brain fell in sync with
the geometries of the Sand Bucket site giving flesh and blood to a
thought, and bringing into this world a monster that operates
according to a most absurd set of premises?
I believe this is the case. In the carefully planned and executed
rituals performed at this site tens of thousands of years ago
probably the creator retained control over his creation. But Sam
did not have any control over or knowledge of what he was doing.
The "birth" of the testicle fairy was probably the consequence of
performing some "key" steps, what would amount to a crude and
hurried form of the ritual.
Impossible? Fantastic? Yes, but given the above premises and facts
I believe it did happen, and now we are stuck with one more
monster in this world.
Anyway, enough speculation, whether you believe me or not those
are my ideas and that is my way of trying to explain the
unexplainable.
Now is time for me to go but first I must apologize for what I still
need to do. Like I said at the beginning, this story is true and I am
just publishing it as a horror story because that is the only way I
can get it published. However, being this a horror story and much
to my regret I assure you, I am forced to address my male readers
and end it in a certain way. So here it goes, I must ask you the
following question:
How is your driving? Snip, snip, snip.........
Image of the testicle fairy by Phantomimic.
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