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WALKING THIS VALLEY- Tucson Chapter Vol. 37 No. 5 September-October 2019

The Stone

The best way I can describe grieving over a child as the years go by is to say it’s similar to

carrying a stone in your pocket.

When you walk, the stone brushes against your skin. You feel it. You always feel it. But

depending on the way you stand or the way your body moves, the smooth edges might

barely graze your body.

Sometimes you lean the wrong way or you turn too quickly and a sharp edge pokes you.

Your eyes water and you rub your wound but you have to keep going because not everyone

knows about your stone or if they do, they don’t realize it can still bring this much pain.

There are days you are simply happy now, smiling comes easy and you laugh without

thinking. You slap your leg during that laughter and you feel your stone and aren’t sure

whether you should be laughing still. The stone still hurts.

Once in a while you can’t take your hand off that stone. You run it over your fingers and

roll it in your palm and are so preoccupied by its weight, you forget things like your car

keys and home address. You try to leave it alone but you just can’t. You want to take a nap

but it’s been so many years since you’ve called in “sad” you’re not sure anyone would

understand anymore or if they ever did.

But most days you can take your hand in and out of your pocket, feel your stone and even

smile at its unwavering presence. You’ve accepted this stone as your own, crossing your

hands over it, saying “mine” as children do.

You rest more peacefully than you once did, you’ve learned to move forward the best you

can. Some days you want to show the world what a beautiful memory you’re holding. But

most days you twirl it through your fingers, smile and look to the sky. You squeeze your

hands together and hope you are living in a way that honors the missing piece you carry,

until your arms are full again. - Jessica Watson – (Submitted by Cat Morrow mother of Alex Andru Mendoza)

Tucson Chapter

P.O. Box 30733

Tucson, AZ 85751-0733

(520) 721-8042

www.tucsontcf.org

National Headquarters

P.O. Box 3696

Oak Brook, IL 60522

Toll free (877) 969-0010

www.compassionatefriends.org

We’re sorry for the reason you’re here, but we’re glad you’ve found us. –Tucson TCF

Tucson Chapter Meetings: CHRIST CHURCH UNITED METHODIST 655 N. CRAYCROFT

Second and Fourth Wednesdays 7:00pm-9:00pm

September 11, 25 October 9, 23 (chapter candle lighting) November 13, 27

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Past Events: 2019 National Conference: The 42nd conference of TCF was held in July.

It is an amazing opportunity to share, attend

workshops and care for one another. Over a

thousand family members: parents, siblings

and grandparents come from across the

country. The workshops are diverse and

include healing guilt and regret, finding a new

purpose, Are you crazy or is it Grief. Panel discussions

on various subjects: i.e. a sibling panel for parents to

understand your surviving sibling. Sharing sessions are

less formal and have topics from loss to suicide,

substance related loss, humor in grief and for men only.

There

is a

beautiful candle lighting on Saturday night and

a walk to remember

on Sunday morning. It

is a time to gather,

remember our

children and be

among so many who

“get us”. (Sharon,

PJ’s mom)

Adventures with Kenny and Diane Allison:

Each year at the conference we try to find something in the area that we think Chance would like to do and then do that in his honor. This year we found the night time tree top adventure at Elmwood Park Zoo. This is an obstacle and zip line course done after dark with head lamps. One advantage is you have no idea how high you are, one disadvantage is that your depth perception is off. I did not hear the course guide yell, “Brake!” so came in too fast from one stretch of zip line. I hit the foam and bounced back out.

He said, “Stay there. I will be right there to get you.” Before you start the course they go over how to bring yourself in so I thought, “Hell no would my boy be ok with me not even trying.” Chance was everyone’s cheerleader and was right there in my head telling me I could do it. So I did! There was one fork in the adventure where you could choose the easier of two obstacles. I did so and was stung (literally)! Kenny went for the harder side. We were both drenched at the end and enjoyed liquid refreshment as well as Zeps. My message would be to try hard things. You are capable of more than you think!

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Upcoming Events:

Chapter Candle Lighting

Our Chapter Candle Lighting will be Wednesday, October 23 beginning promptly at 7pm. It will take the place of our regular meeting. You can bring a photo or memento to display. We will conclude with a dessert potluck. Poems are read and musical selections are shared but the highlight is the slide show of all the kids whose parents have been part of our chapter through the years. If you have submitted photos for the slide show you do not need to do so again. If you have not please send

3 photos along with your child’s name as you wish it to appear on the slide to compassionate.friends.tucson@gmail.com

WALK OUT OF DARKNESS: This walk supports suicide education as

well as those that have been affected by the loss. Our chapter hosts a table at

the event to provide information about the compassionate friends. The walk

will be at Reid park on October 19 starting at 10:30. Registration is free

and can be done online or onsite starting at 9:30. Donations are gladly

accepted.

The National Candle Lighting in Remembrance of all our Children will be held at the Children’s Memorial Park off Oracle Rd. on the second Sunday of December starting at 7pm. Come early and bring a jacket! You can also bring a photo or other memento to display.

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The Compassionate Friends National:

Online Support information is available on the National Compassionate Friends Website at www.compassionatefriends.org. There are over 26 private Facebook groups available for parents, grandparents, and siblings. There are also “virtual chapters” through an online support community (live chats).

Visit www.compassionatefriends.org/find-support/online-communities/online-support/ for more information and to register.

Remembrance Cards In order to receive remembrance cards during your loved ones birthday month and the

death anniversary month, you must individually sign-up, with your complete information,

for the memorial book located on the national website found under the “Find Support” tab

after clicking on “To The Newly Bereaved” (https://www.compassionatefriends.org/find-

support/to-the-newly-bereaved/).

What Happens at a Chapter meeting?

Our meetings begin with the

entire group in a circle. We

pass the butterfly and

introduce ourselves and our

child. Sometimes we cannot

talk and we just pass the

butterfly. Whether we speak or

not as our credo says, “our pain

unites us”.

We break into smaller groups

to discuss in more detail our

loss and our struggles. Sometimes the discussion has a theme such as “How to handle the

holidays”. Often though each person just talks about whatever is on their heart whether

that is recounting your child’s passing or what you are doing for their next birthday. The

small group portion might end with sharing a special memory of your child.

When we come back together we sometimes have an activity before closing with our credo

and of course snacks. The activities give us the opportunity to share the child, grandchild,

or sibling we have lost. The opportunity to share our children with each other is what

brings many of us back.

So this happened at our Tucson meeting…..In honor of father’s day we all put on our

moustaches and shared on different questions. It bought a smile and a laugh to the group.

We are here to share the tears and a smile or two! (The picture and explanation provided by

Sharon, PJ’s mom)

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September Birthdays MICHAEL STEPHEN ACOSTA PALINA ALDECOA MIKE BALL MICHEAL AUSTIN ANDERSON ANITA BECERRA TOM BATES LYRA DANIELLE BARBER MARTY BEDELL JAMES K. BROWN JR. BRANDIE CAMPBELL MAVERICK CAMPISI ALEAH CRUCE SEAN KELLY CATAUDELLA MATTHEW DODGE LISA GATZ GEORGIA COLEHOUR JACOB EISNER JEFFREY HILL JR. MAHLON (Jimmy) CRONK STEFAN ENRIQUEZ DANIEL HUGHES ANTHONY JESUS DURON MCKENZIE HARRISON RYAN HORN JAYANNA LYNN JUAN REBECCA KATZ ADAM REICHEG MATTHEW KAUFMAN JOE KEELING ANGEL LEON ZEMIRA BAYLA LENC KRYSTAL SUE MAEDL RICHARD MORGAN ZACH MORGAN CHRISTOPHER MUELLER AARON NICHOLS REYNALDO PARADA BEN-DAVID PFLUG SEAN SEGALL MICHAEL SCHNEIDER CLINT SMITH AMY SVOBODA JANESSA JACLYN SMITH MARLA THYE C WARNER CHRISTIAN WATSON RICK WILLIAMS DUSTIN YODER EDITH LAURAINE WHITSETT MAKAYLA SOPHIA GUNDERSON CHRISTOPHER FRANKLIN RICHTER

September Remembrance Days DAVID ARAOS JASON BAKE MARK BATES KEVIN BOOS JOHN CARSTENS MATTHEW DODGE CURTIS LEE EHLERS LISA GATZ PETER JAMES "PJ" FARRELL CRAIG HAUGE KETZIA AMAIRANY FLORES JESSE GELSINGER RAUL (BUDDY) GARCIA KALYN MARIE GREGG MCKENZIE HARRISON MELISSA HEYMERS MERCER JOHNSON III JAYANNA LYNN JUAN SEAN ALEXANDER KINCAID RYAN KITTREDGE PETER KJOLSRUD CHRISTOPHER LAWSON DENNY MALLORY TRENT MAPELSDEN GIDEON MCDONALD BRYAN MCLAUGHLIN DAMIEN MELZER RICHARD MORGAN DAVID RADTKE JUSTIN ZEHNGUT KEVIN ROBINSON-BARAJAS JEFFREY SEWELL LORI L. SMITH JESSICA ROSE RUSSELL MICHEAL P SHEATS REBECCA SIEGEL ROSALINA ISABELLA SAENZ DELLVON WATSON PRESTON WERNER NATHAN SPANGENBERG WENDY WHITACRE RICHARD NICHOLAS UMBERGER JONATHAN D WILLIAMS SABRINA KINSLEIGH WILLIAMS

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Our Chapter wants to thank the Viscount Suite for providing a meeting room for our Steering Committee Meetings. Our Next Steering Committee Meeting will be on Wednesday, October 30 at 6pm. All Members are welcome to attend.

CRISIS HOTLINE INFORMATION

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

Suicide Hotline

1-800-Suicide

Depression & Crisis Hotline 1-800-784-2433

The National Institute for Trauma & Loss in Children (TLC)

1-877-306-5256

Families Anonymous

(Addiction/Recovery)

1-800-736-9805

Al-Anon Family Groups (Addiction/Recovery)

1-888-425-2666

To contact the Tucson Chapter with questions on events, to volunteer, or to submit articles/poems to the newsletter please email us at compassionate.friends.tucson@gmail.com

OTHER TUCSON SUPPORT GROUPS

Information & Referral Services…..800-

352-3792

Homicide Survivors, Inc….520-740-5729

FOOTPRINTS-

Pregnancy and Infant loss...520-873-6590

Tu Nidito/Children to Children…520-

322-9155

Alive Alone http://www.alivealone.org/

-for parent(s) who have lost their only

child

MISS FOUNDATION

http://www.missfoundation.org/

Survivors of Suicide……. 520-989-0467

Chapter Steering Committee

Leader: Sharon Farrell

Co Leader: Tara Chico/Donna Ruboyianes

Editor: Diane Allison

Contributing Editors: All members- contributions wanted!

Outreach/ Correspondence: Estella Salazar

Facebook: Melissa Chico, Cat Morrow

Website: Julie Shulick

New Attendee Coordinator: Cat Morrow

Library: Debbie Russell

Treasurer: Cindy Walter

Facilitators: Cindy Walter, Melissa Chico,

Tara Chico, Carolyn Manka, Kim Teschner

Regional Coordinators:

Barb & Gene Caligari, Chandler, AZ;

Denise Dean

Photo buttons are now made at meetings. Bring your child’s photo printed on plain paper (button is 3.5” round) and ask anyone with a ribbon on their nametag for assistance.

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October Birthdays

AARON THOMAS ATHERTON JENNIFER BAIN NANCY BATES DIETZ JONATHAN BECK MADISYN BERTSCH KELLI BONN JOHN BREMOND SELENA BURNEY JOHN PATRICK CLINE KATIE DECKER JOY FEULING ERB ASHLEY FRANCO JOHN GEHLEN PAUL GOGUEN JOSHUA GREEN DREW GYORKE MARTHA HARRINGTON SHANE HARVEY WRIGHT SAMUEL JOHNSON RYAN KITTREDGE GAGE LA FONTAINE AMY LOGAN KEVIN ROBINSON-BARAJAS

RAMON EDWARDO TAVERAS DENNY MALLORY AMANDA VIVIAN

ERIC SCHULTZ MATTHEW SCOTT KRISTIN SMITH BETH STERN TRENT MAPELSDEN JACQUES MARGODT ANGEL MARTINEZ KENNETH WALTER PAUL ROBOLD BRODIE SCHMICH BRIAN MINK JODI MONNARD

GIDEON MCDONALD PAUL METZGER BRANDEN PEASE KAREN PRICE ASHLEY REDPATH RON WHEELER WENDY WHITACRE RANDY ZIMMERMAN

October Remembrance Days

MATTHEW ALTLAND OSWALDO BAKER JONATHAN BECK HUNTER BECKHORN RENEE BLANCHARD JOHN BREMOND TRUDIE CALE MONIQUE CELIA HAVEN CROSS MAHLON (Jimmy) CRONK JENNIFER DUTTON JASMIN GAXIOLA ROGER PAUL EAGLE JOY FEULING ERB TIM GOAR COLLIN WILLIAM FORBES PAUL GOGUEN LEAH GOODMAN JOSHUA GREEN RICKY HAMRICK SABRINA JOY JOSHUA HOLDEN MEGHAN JONES KEITH KRAGE DAVID KETTUNEN JOSE EDY LEYVA BRIAN MINK ANGEL MARTINEZ SCOTT MULLEN ERIC OGDEN FERNANDO ORTIZ, III TIMOTHY PARFREY KAREN PRICE GRANT J. PIONTEK NICHOLAS PUTNAM ROCKY STEWART NATHAN TYLER ROBERTS DOUGIE SALSBURY C WARNER MATTHEW UNTERRINER MICHAEL TWOHILL RICK WILLIAMS PHILIP WORKMAN MARTIN VALENZUELA CLIFFORD WALTEIN LINDSAY WAKEFIELD DANIELLE WELLS-BORQUEZ JONATHAN ZINSLIEDWARD VINCENT ANDREW RAMOS KELSEY ELIZABETH BEITEL BRADLEY CHARLES MAPLES CHRISTOPHER MUELLER JAMESON GILES PERSONIUS

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Sibling Loss: Experiencing Grief Through a Child's Eyes

Erin Bowen, MD, FAAP February 26, 2019

Two years ago, a passing fire truck captured my then 3-year-old daughter Tessa’s

attention. She didn’t comment on its spinning lights or blaring siren, like young

children often do.

“There’s the truck that takes kids to heaven,” she said.

On October 25, 2016, our healthy son Conor inexplicably died in his sleep. He

was 17 months old. In addition to our own mourning, we have had to manage the

grief and questions of Tessa, who suddenly and unexpectedly lost her younger

brother, her best friend, her constant companion. How could we answer her

questions when no one could answer ours? How could we make her understand what

our adult brains could not comprehend?

As a pediatrician, there was nothing in my training that prepared me for the death of my son,

and nothing that taught me how to support Tessa through the loss of her brother. Conor’s cause of

death was undetermined. Our questions brought us to the SUDC (Sudden Unexplained Death in

Childhood) Foundation. SUDC is the sudden and unexpected death of a child 12 months of age or

older that remains unexplained after a thorough death investigation. According to CDC data, it

affects approximately 400 children annually, making it the fifth leading category of death in

children ages 1 through 4. Yet it remains a gap in our current medical education, leaving us

inadequately prepared to support families and siblings through this tragedy.

When a child dies, siblings are often referred to as the “forgotten mourners.” They are left to

grieve their sibling while also experiencing what feels like the loss of their parents as they mourn.

Siblings may experience a wide range of emotions, varying from sadness to anger and even

seeming indifference.

As children age and pass through different developmental phases, they may reprocess their

grief and it may appear as if they are re-living their loss. We have experienced this first hand with

Tessa. As a 3-year-old, she was most preoccupied with where Conor had gone and why we

couldn’t bring him back. Now, as a 5-year-old, her questions are more abstract and detailed. Did

he want to leave us? Will her younger sister Isabelle die? If we didn’t know Conor was going to

die, how can we be sure she and Isabelle will not?

Recognizing this path of grief is important for pediatricians to ensure that surviving and

subsequent siblings are receiving adequate support--not just in the immediate aftermath of their

sibling’s death, but also in the months and years that follow. It also is important to recognize that

children born after their sibling died can still experience grief, as their family dynamics have been

forever changed.

Pediatricians are in a unique position to help support these children and ensure they receive

adequate intervention. Placing a flag in the siblings’ chart can serve as a reminder to check in at

annual physicals. Pediatricians can make referrals for age appropriate books, discuss strategies

for parents to explain death and grieving in developmentally appropriate ways with the child,

facilitate referrals for age appropriate grief support groups or camps, and when necessary, make

referrals to mental health professionals. It is important for pediatricians to be aware of and

educate parents on normal grief responses in children at different developmental stages and to

screen for any red flags that may call for further intervention.

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One of the best ways for us to handle Tessa’s questions was to connect with other parents who

had navigated this path. At a retreat for families affected by SUDC, we saw the power of

connecting siblings who had a shared experience of loss. We soon discovered that there were no

“right” answers, but there was comfort in talking with other families.

The SUDC Foundation funded a grant for a collaboration between the AAP and the National

Association of Medical Examiners to create consensus guidelines for the investigation of sudden

deaths in pediatrics, including recommendations for the care of families affected by these deaths.

These guidelines are anticipated to be published within the next year and will be a valuable

resource for pediatricians.

I remember someone telling us that Tessa would be too young to remember her loss. This felt

like a stab through the heart. Our worst fear was that she would forget Conor. While we wish we

could erase her pain, we would never want her to forget her brother and their special bond. The

intense heartbreak of losing your child and being left without answers is compounded as you

watch your surviving children grieve.

However, in watching Tessa grieve, we also see great love. Shortly after Conor died, we saw

the most beautiful sunset and Tessa told us Conor had painted the sky pink for us. Sunsets have

now become a special manifestation of their everlasting connection.

When we see grief as a manifestation of love, we destigmatize it. In order for children to talk

more openly about grief, we need to provide a forum for these discussions. Pediatricians should

not steer away from the difficult questions of asking about sibling loss, but rather provide an

opportunity for children to share their feelings and memories.

Erin Bowen, MD, FAAP, is a member of the American Academy of

Pediatrics Section on Child Death Review and Prevention. She also

serves as a member of the Board of Directors of the SUDC Foundation.

Dr. Bowen practices in

Ansonia, Conn.

(Article submitted by Julie Shulick sister of Robert Eric

Turner)

Sharon and Kristie Farrell at the National

Conference holding the sign of Peter posted along the

route of the Walk to Remember. Kristie is an active

member of a Sibling Group of The Compassionate

Friends. This is the fourth conference she has

attended in memory of her brother.

* The views expressed in this article are those of the author, and not

necessarily those of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

About the Author

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A National self-help, non-profit organization for families who have

experienced the death of a child

THE TUCSON CHAPTER

P.O. 30733

Tucson, AZ 85751-0733

Return Service Requested

September-October 2019

Non-Profit Org.

U.S. Postage

Paid

Tucson, AZ

Permit No. 2296

Unless expressly stated, the views

expressed in articles, poetry, etc. in

Walking This Valley are not necessarily

the views of The Compassionate Friends,

The Chapter Steering Committee or the

Editorial Team. The Editor reserves the

right to edit any contributions.

Welcome! All bereaved parents, grandparents, and adult siblings are welcome at our support group meetings. Here you will find comfort, caring people, and most of all-HOPE. Coming to the first meeting is hard, but you have nothing to lose and much to gain. For

many it is the first real step toward healing. Although it may seem overwhelming, we encourage you to come to several meetings to give yourself a chance to become comfortable. The hope of The Compassionate Friends is that those who need us would find us and that those that find us would be helped. TCF also provides information to help members be supportive to

each other. We are not professional counselors. We are bereaved families who want to help each other.