The Scribble 2012

is that Frank,

you?

Vol. XIV, Issue 4Francis Parker SchoolApril 2012

THE

SCRIBBLEAll the news too true to print...

2 THE SCRIBBLE

ChimichangasTorturing

OurWildly Attractive Designs by Stanley Gambucci and Katie VolkerTOCSta! Page

Anna and Kasey: They Come. They Eat. They Leave.Editor’s Note—Something Heartwarming by Sloan ChristopherGBU —I’m Required To Say At Least One Positive by Carson Scott Political Rant We Can’t Understand by Carson Scott Kasey Rants About Francis Parker by Kasey Hutcheson I Am Too Intelligent For A Sophomore by Arielle SwedbackI Don’t Make My Edits by Nishon Tyler

Kara and Claire: Everyone’s Friends, Nobody’s Editors.Investigating A Large Complex Topic by Claire BryanSomething Lorraine Told Me About by Anna Hobbs An Interview And A Flattering Picture by Katie KreitzerI Didn’t Do "is Layout by Raphie Cantor Raphie and Claire: They Don’t Write For This Section.Where to Eat (Besides Hooters) by Ben Peters I Can’t Come In Because I’m At Home Watching TV by Kara JonesActivities Related To Mexican Food by Aly Barrett

Marisa and Colin: Complain When No One Does Work. Don’t Do Their Own. It Took Me Two Months To Finish "is Article by Evan FitznerA Summary of Every Parker Sport Played by Jack Benoit "is Coach Hates Me Now by Colin Grey I’m Cool Because I Watch Sports And I’m A Girl by Marisa Canepa Jake and Ben: They Don’t Even Go Here.Hot/Not/Trendy (Too Bad You Still Can’t Be As Cool As Us) by Stanley Gambucci and Dutra BrownPeople Who Are Popular by Molly Morrison I Picked "e Inappropriate Quad Rant Answers by Ben Peters Find My Article On "e Website by R.B. Ganon More Wildly Attractive Designs by Stanley Gambucci and Katie Volker I’m Smug About "e Picture I Took by Ms. Adelman

COLOPHON:

Body Typeface: Minion Pro 10.5 ptHeader Typeface: Myriad ProFolio Typeface: Trajan Pro 12 ptPaper Stock: 100# Gloass BookPrinted On: Xerox DocutechPrinted By: IPS Publishing, San Diego, CA

APRIL 2012 3

The Scribble Sta!2011-12

Editors-in-ChiefMax Bosse

Greer

Managing EditorHe!y Bags

Layout Editors Token Gay Artsy Guy

V for Vindictive

Opinions EditorsWellness

ASB

Features EditorsTouchy Feely

Indiana Jonesy

Arts & Culture EditorsRoo"es CoupKim Possible

Sports EditorsCannoli PamDiver Inner

Etcetera EditorsPen BadgleyMetro Jew

Web EditorSilent Herm

Photo EditorTry Hard Chen

Sta! WritersAbsent Al #e Child

DutcheStilts

Bobby BenjiJay-Z

Krazy KGrammar Princess

BuellerOwens Wilson

Commando DavePatch

MitchelaDarth Svater

SvetlanaShilent ‘Shon

Yangermeister

AdviserOh Well Michelle

Share with us any questions, concerns, or comments you have about the magazine. Your opinions don’t matter!

Email us at [email protected].

Join our Facebook fanpage at www.facebook.com/fpscribe to stay updated with everything Scribe.

Don’t you worry there my honey. We might not have any money. But we’ve got our love to pay the bills. Maybe I think you’re cute and funny. Maybe I wanna do want bunnies do with you if you know what I mean. Oh let’s get rich and buy our parents’ homes in the south of France. Let’s get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance. Let’s get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants. From way up there, you and I, you and I. Well you might be a bit confused. And you might be a little bit bruised. But baby how we spoon like no one else. So I will help you read those books. If you will soothe my wor-ried looks. And we will put the lonesome on the shelf.

Check out the Scribe’s new website! "ere’s nothing on it, and no one cares!

Editorial Policy:

4 THE SCRIBBLE

EDITOR’S NOTEIt all started my sophomore year: January 23rd to be exact. My phone contract was up and

my father took me to the AT&T store to get an upgrade. Right around this time, the iPhone was introduced and slowly but surely gained popularity. “Here it is,” I thought. “Here is my time to be the leader of the trend-iest piece of technology to ever hit the West Coast.” My father, on the other hand, cared very little about my dreams and with ease crushed them by handing me a generic #ip phone. “"is isn’t so bad,” I thought as I headed out the door. “I mean, the front has a touch-screen. "at’s pretty cool, right?” Boy, was I wrong.

It wasn’t so bad at $rst, so I would proudly announce that I got a new phone in my classes. And then it started happening. Friend a%er friend, classmate af-ter classmate. "e “Wait... what is that?” and “"at’s not an iPhone. "at sucks.” comments ripped me apart each time I showed my phone to someone new. Within days, every single one of my friends had stopped talking to me. I tried to hide my phone when it rang, to cover it in dis-creet cases, but it was too late. My own teachers wouldn’t even call on me in class.

I began to accept my new life as an outcast. At 11:20 a.m. every school day, I would run behind the history building and break into one of the school buses, eating my lunch in the backseat, alone. I was the kid who sat in the farthest corner behind everyone in math class because no one could stand to look at me. Whenever a partner quiz came along, I got the same aston-ished “Darn, you’re my partner?” no matter how much I studied. To put it nicely, life was less than awesome.

A few months ago, my father surprised me with the new iPhone 4, but I paid little atten-tion to it; I was past the point of no return on the social spectrum. As I walked on campus, prepared for yet another day of nonexistence, a few classmates said hello to me– one girl even complimented me on my sweater! I was shocked; this couldn’t be happening to me, I was a nobody. And then it hit me: it was the iPhone 4.

By the end of the day I had received 17 Snapchats, over 600 followers on Instagram, a high score of 2 million on Temple Run, and a new best friend named Siri! It was like I had walked into a dream. I had friends, and it didn’t even bother me that they only liked me for my phone. Hey, it gave us all something to talk about, and now I couldn’t be happier.

"e moral of the story is this: Buy nice things so you will have friends. Popularity is much more important than morals, so since you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

By Sloan Christopher

Photo Courtesy of MS Yearbook

barometer

Social Activism: I have my own problems. Go preach to someone who cares.

Ryan Kretz: Enough said.

Mononucleosis: You get to miss school and catch up on sleep! Spin the bottle anyone?

People who do work: It’s the third trimester; get with it.

Wearing sunglasses at school: I mean, the sun is WAY too bright to walk the 30 seconds to class without covering your eyes. Plus, you look REALLY cool and mys-terious in the halls.

Snapchat: Photos only ap-pear for a few seconds, so there’s no way to save them. Feel free to send whatever you want.

Middle School Winter Formal, 2007

APRIL 2012 5

...dig itBy Carson Scott

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Ggood

If you’ve walked by the o&ce lately, you’ve probably witnessed a March phenomenon here at Francis Parker that’s so groundbreaking it puts “March Madness” to shame. It started with a few students inexplicably spending their free periods in silence in the o&ce. Passersby noticed the relaxed atmosphere and began to join in. Soon this “hangout” evolved into a “chill sesh”. As word spread via text, Facebook, and inconspicuous red notes sent out to VIPs across the campus, a “kickback” soon erupted and it wasn’t long before a free-for-all “rager” had consumed the o&ce. With DJ Southworth pumpin’ the jams, the place stayed packed all day. It became such a popular “function” that some people were even rumored to forgo their regular classes to join in on the fun in the o&ce. Others were seen tearing o! their Lancer logos and throwing on illegal sweatshirts in hopes of scoring an invite.

Uugly

"e class of 2012 needs to learn how to count. "e administration has a&rmed time and again that the class of 2013 is the centennial class, but these stubborn seniors just won’t ac-cept it. "e math is simple. If the $rst class was the class of 1913, then the 100th class would be the class of 2013. Duh. It’s simple math. I know that every math teacher has taught you that when you count inclusively that you take the di!erence plus one (2013-1913+1), mean-ing that the class of 2013 is actually the 101st class and 2012 is the real centennial class, but they’re obviously just on the seniors’ side. Don’t listen to them, 2013. You guys are the real centennials. Let the 2012ers see how much good their “logic” and “math” does them while you get to celebrate the big “hundo” and while they’re o! in college where they clearly won’t be having way more fun than you.

Bbad

Parker fans lack creativity, big time. It’s time we take a lesson from our slightly-less spoiled neighbors to the south and learn some new chants for sporting events. A%er watching their team beat us in the CIF soccer championship, the Coronado High School fans broke out in chants of “Public school! Public school!” As if the taunting didn’t burn enough, our fans sat silently, adding to our embarrassment. "ey’ve clearly embraced their identity. It’s time for us to show ours. I demand we $re back next time! Chants of “We have butlers!” and “I drive an Audi!” are in order.

Still of Clint Eastwood and Eli Wallach in #e Good the Bad and the Ugly

meter

6 THE SCRIBBLE

**

Scribers:"ere’s a three-month-old, half-eaten cake in my clos-et. If it’s yours, get rid of it.

By Katherine Owens and Audrey Yang

Francis Parker Scribe:You currently owe Urbane Cafe $20.26 $81.45 $117.39.We’re actually kind of im-pressed that you ate that much...

Dear Readers,We thank you for your feed-back. Please continue to share your opinions and please don’t be o!ended if we choose to po-litely ignore you.

Morena Vista Urbane Cafe

Dear Scribe,I am writing to complain about the article ‘Seeing Dou-ble’ featured in your last is-sue. Obviously, a boy and a girl can’t be twins. Plus, they don’t even look alike. You need to check your facts.A Concerned Student

Chai

The Scribe

Ms. Adelman

Dear Scribe,In your February issue, I no-ticed there was an article about SparkNotes. Since it looked ridiculously long, I tried to $nd a summary of it on SparkNotes but was unable to do so. I suggest you provide a quick outline of each article published in "e Scribe to save the rest of us from actu-ally having to read your drivel.

Lei Z.

Dear all my fans in #e Scribe,I am very #attered that you chose to feature me in your February issue. However, I would like to protest the pic-ture of me second from the le%. My bad side was facing the camera, and it makes me look like a French bulldog. I would appreciate if you could go through each magazine and remove the picture, so I can avoid any embarrassment or humiliation.P.S I am also available for paw-tographs.

you’ve

mail

To #e Scribe:Who are you? And why are you always in Ms. Adelman’s room?

Ms. A’s Confused Freshmen

Dear Carson, Roses are redViolets are blueYou have a big egoBut I still love you

Love, Carson

"e following students need to serve detention for being tardy to class:

1) #e Scribe Sta!

Ms. Southworthgot

Photo by Emily He%

Photo by Katie Kreitzer

APRIL 2012 7

Advisor: Mr. Esch

Mission Statement: Yeah, we really want you to join.

Advisor: Mrs. Carol Brown

Mission Statement: Students who arrive at 7:00 a.m. without a zero period can do fun morning activities, in-cluding sleeping and attempting and failing to do homework. "is club isn’t secret, but no-body ever shows up.

Advisor: Advisor would prefer to remain anony-mous for professional purposes.

Mission Statement: For the kids who try their hardest at not trying. We put the “pro” in procrastinate.

sarcasm society

the unzeroperiod

Advisor: Señor Rene Caracoza

Mission Statement: Together we prepare for the end of the world in 2012. Laugh now, but come De-cember, you’ll wish you joined. We’ll be ready. Turn to page 8 to read more.

conspiracytheories 101

dishonorssociety

Photos Courtesy of Christie Chen, Beth Desta, and Kate Lemberg

Advisor: Dr. Rai Wilson

Mission Statement: Mumble, mumble. Translation: As a group, we hone the cra% of mumbling, mak-ing it even harder for others to understand what we are saying.

mumblingclub

By Kate Lemberg and Sam Melville

Advisors: Mr. Chuck Wine-holt & Mr. Eric Taylor

Mission Statement: For the people who cannot survive without their daily dose of Starbucks: We deal with the twelve steps of withdraw-al and help you cope with the hard times.

ca!eineaddictsanonymous

CLUBSundercover

*

Q:I cannot say exactly how many or who, but I can say, MANY WILL DIE! In 2012, the earth and the sun will

align with the center of the Milky Way Galaxy creating a gravi-tational pull that is going to cause the axis of the earth to wob-ble. "is year the intensity of the solar #ares will be at their peak from an 11-year cycle. We are experiencing a polar shi% this moment with the magnetic poles 10 percent o!. "e Ma-yan calendar, the Chinese calendar, the Egyptian writings, and the North American natives all end their astronomical calendars on exactly December 21st, 2012. Coincidence...? I think not.

A:Do you think people will die? How many deaths do you anticipate?

Q:I believe that the Mayans saw that there was going to be a change according to the numerical calendar, and

now we’re unable to $ght what is going to happen. "e Ma-yans based their beliefs on the idea that history repeats itself within celestial cycles, and the result was the collapse of the Mayan Civilization. "eir calender suggests that a%er 2012, a new age emerges. As people, we tend to ignore all warn-ings and then catastrophe strikes. As the Mayans knew very well, time is running out.

A:What do you think is going to happen on 12/21/12?

Q:I believe there is intelligent life out there. Maybe we are experiments and maybe they will be coming back to

check on us. Maybe those extraterrestrials did come to Earth to help humans progress.

What is your theory about extraterrestrial involve-ment in the creation of the human race?

A:

Q:Yes. We are currently using the Mayan Calendar, which is in many ways more precise than the Euro-

pean. "e Maya knew about the black hole in the middle of the galaxy thousands of years before the western as-tronomers learned of this, and without the use of tele-scopes. "e Maya were the $rst to have the concept of zero.

A:Do you believe that the Mayans were more scien-ti"cally advanced than we currently are?

Do you believe that any governments or organiza-tions are aware of or are trying to cover up this

potential crisis? Q:

Yes. "e government will never tell the truth to any soci-ety. It’s simple, as this would cause chaos. I think NASA

knows but is not telling.

A:

Q:Yes. Nothing will happen if you don’t let it happen!A:Do you have any advice for the public on how we can avoid this catastrophe?

Q:On that day, I will BBQ with friends and fam-ily, and then rent the movie It’s a Wonderful Life.A:What will you be doing on December 21st?

“ “many will die

December 21, 2012 is fast approaching, and with it will come the inevitable end of all we know and cherish. The Mayan prophecy is often sneered at by Parker stu-dents, mostly because of its recent association with over- exaggerated movies like the harshly-reviewed 2012. How-ever, our recent investigation has uncovered the harrow-ing scientific truths backing up the seemingly unrealistic Mayan “speculation”. The Scribble sat down with resident conspiracy theory analyst and expert on everything su-pernatural Señor René Caracoza. The following is a genu-ine dialogue between The Scribble and Señor Caracoza:

2012By Jay Gardenswartz and Arielle Swedback

Photo Courtesy of Jay Gardenswartz

Graphic by Stanley Gambucci

8 THE SCRIBBLE

Photo by Jay Gardenswartz

“2012By Jay Gardenswartz and Arielle Swedback

APRIL 2012 9

NUN"ere has been talk of all kinds of

changes to the uniform next year, from pants only, to eliminating college sweat-shirts, to skorts. #e Scribe, however, has done some hardcore investigating and uncovered the truth about these changes.

Starting this summer, students will no longer be ordering their clothing through Sue Mills. Instead, they will be able to stop by their local convents to purchase their new attire.

A%er years of windy days gone wrong and scarring in-cidents on stairwells, faculty and students alike are tired of inappropriate skirt lengths. “Until girls stop pulling their skirts to their throats and boys are allowed to wear ear-rings,” says Social Studies Teacher Mr. Eric Taylor, “we will always have a dress code problem.”

Our new dress code will eliminate the skirt alto-gether. Girls will no lon-ger have to hold down their skirts while walking up the stairs; the new uniform pro-vides a #ash-free experience.

Instead of plaid, girls will be sporting all black in the conservative, yet classic nun’s habit. "ey will be covered from head to toe. Ankle-exposing of any kind is strictly forbidden, and showing of the hair will result in a dress code detention. However, fear not fash-ionistas: individuality can be expressed through di!erent colored wimples.

"e boys will not escape these changes either. "e administration aims to cre-ate a more cohesive look on campus, so to complement the girls’ new hab-its, all male Parker students will be re-quired to wear traditional monk’s robes. Available in a dark brown, these #oor

length, lightweight, one-piece out$ts will really let your Lancer spirit shine.

Since boys have continually ignored the “No Facial Hair” rule (those who have the ability to at least), it has been de-cided that it all has to go. In typical Bud-dhist fashion, all boys will be required

to shave their heads. Ms. Laura South-worth will be equipped with a razor for emergency use if she $nds it necessary.

Just as in previous years, all Parker stu-dents will sign the Francis Parker Hand-book. Once signed, the form obligates the student to obey the new dress code. If one is found to continually disregard new dress code regulations, then the punish-ment is seven sessions of Saturday School.

Head of Upper School Mr. Paul Barsky wishes to clarify that the school remains secular. “Francis Parker continues to be a nonsectarian preparatory school,” he ex-

plains. “It is simply the wish of the admin-istration that students live in as much dis-comfort as possible during school hours.”

A%er interviewing Parker faculty, it seemed that teachers had mixed thoughts on the new uniforms. "ere were those in favor, who recognized the change

as overdue. “I will be checking for #oor-length skirts on both boys and girls, no ankle show-ing,” says Attendance Secretary Ms. Laura Southworth. Other teachers remain skeptical. “Hon-estly, I’m just concerned that the students aren’t going to be able to pull o! the style. I worry the most for the boys. I mean, the shaved head is a hard look to rock,” says Social Studies Teacher Dr. Rai Wilson. “Only a certain caliber of man can pull that o!.”

A major concern for many students and parents is the $nan-cial burden new uniforms could cause. Despite protests, the new uniforms will be expensive. Due to the rarity of robes and habits in this day and age, it is impos-sible to avoid high cost. In order to cover this cost, the administra-tion recommends volunteering at the local monastery, where you may be able to snag donor robes.

Not only will money be saved, but com-munity service hours could be ful$lled.

"e new uniform code will go into e!ect at the beginning of the 2012-2013 school year. Seniors will not be exempt. Senior dress down days will be eradicat-ed, as the administration has noticed that seniors have not been using the Fridays to wear their class shirts. Instead, on Fri-days, seniority will be shown through red wimples for girls, and red ropes for boys.

If you refuse to cooperate, transfer forms to Bishops are available in the o&ce.

By Dutra Brown and Michela Rodriguez

*The NewLook...

Parker window"e Parker Win-dow necklace is the new uniform logo, engraved with “In Barsk We Trust.” Both boys and girls will wear the necklace. It is a re-quirement for the uniform.

All habits must be #oor length. No ankle-showing of any kind will be al-lowed.

no ankles

wimpleAvailable in white, grey, blue, green, yellow, and purple. Red will be re-served for seniors.

Starting next Sep-tember, all boys will be required to have a shaved head.

bald

Lancer spirit is evident every day in dark brown robes.

Parker colors

Available in white, grey, blue, green, yellow, and purple. Red will be reserved for seniors.

ropes

girls boys

Parker Administration Ends Students’ Habit of Breaking Dress Code

Photos courtesy of buycostumes.com

Too Pleased

10 THE SCRIBBLE

Many of us look forward to the end of the day when we go home and are greeted by

our pets. But for one physiology stu-dent, his pet gives him a rather lifeless greeting. In the past few months, the physiology students have been dis-secting cats. Although most students felt somewhat bad for the euthanized cats, one physio student, senior Matt Nusbaum, has now adopted his cat Mr. Cuddles and brought him home.

"e physio class began the dissec-tions in January, and have since been learning about the anatomy of the cats. However, a new cat had to be or-dered due to the fact that Matt refused to bring Mr. Cuddles back to class.

Matt’s classmates noticed some-thing was strange when Matt brought catnip and a toy mouse for Mr. Cud-dles. Fellow physio student Roz Dick-Godfrey said she would hear Matt say things like “good boy” or “this won’t hurt a bit” to Mr. Cuddles.

Weeks a%er the dissection began, Matt would take a leashed Mr. Cud-

dles for walks around campus dur-ing his free period. Matt says, “I like to walk Mr. Cuddles by the dumpster to make friends with the trash cat.”

On top of bringing in leashes and toys, Matt also brought in a cat house for Mr. Cuddles to sleep in. Matt also makes sure that Mr. Cuddles has plen-ty of food and water while he is gone.

At his home, Matt says that Mr. Cuddles has to sleep outside because “for some reason,” he gives o! a foul odor. During the day, however, Mr. Cuddles is free to be in the house.

Matt believes that the dissection took a toll on Mr. Cuddles because since Matt brought Mr. Cuddles home, the cat has seemed rather lethargic.

While many people may $nd this whole relationship quite disturbing, but this phenomenon may be explained by Matt’s dark past. When Matt was six years old, he had a cat named Kitty. Kitty and Matt were the best of friends, but one day, Kitty went missing, and was never seen again. Matt’s parents gave Matt a stu!ed animal of a cat in hopes

of making him feel better. But that’s not what happened. Matt began to treat the stu!ed cat as if it were Kitty. He even added his own “meows” and “purrs” dur-ing their playtime. His parents soon took away the stu!ed animal and a%er many years, Matt eventually forgot about it.

Psychology teacher Mrs. Duehr says, “"is can easily be explained by a severe and traumatic event that took place during the developmental stage in Matt’s psychological maturation.” Mrs. Duehr believes that Matt’s past is coming back to haunt him in his sub-conscious. Although Matt’s issue can be related to a psychological disorder, some fellow physio students still have a hard time dealing with it. "ey say that during the dissections, Matt will meow and purr. He also sits under the table and gives voices to the other cats, say-ing things like “ouch” and “why me?”

Although Matt’s new-found friend-ship may come o! as creepy, gross, and just plain wrong to most people, Matt and Mr. Cuddles seem quite content.

CAT’S OUT O F

THEBAGThe Scribe uncovers Matt Nussbaum’s feline

friendship in his Honors Physiology class

By Kara Jones

Photos by Kara Jones

APRIL 2012 11

New Developments on the

Upper School Campus

Photo courtesy of kameo.biz

By Arielle Swedback

AdeleAwareness Week Awareness Week

In an e!ort to combat what school administra-tors have described as “a complete and all-consum-ing obliviousness spread-ing through the student body,” #e Scribble is ex-cited to announce Francis Parker’s $rst annual Aware-ness Week Awareness

Week. Previous Parker awareness weeks were hugely ben-e$cial to the student body. We received virtually all posi-tive feedback from surveyed students: “We had a penny drive? Seriously, when? Wow, I had no idea, but that’s really really great!” and “I thought that one week with the lollipops was AWESOME! You know, the smiley face ones!”

We should be proud of the huge di!erence we’ve already made in regards to universal problems like hunger, AIDS, and “global meanness”, but it’s been stressed by awareness repre-sentatives that Awareness Week Awareness Week will be ap-proached with an even more serious goal. “Utter obliviousness is pretty much an epidemic at our school,” says Omar Harb, head of the newly formed Awareness Week Awareness Week Council. “We’ll be distributing literature to help raise awareness about awareness. We just want to be like, ‘Hey! Snap out of it!’”

Harb goes on to add that students who want to help out with the campaign before it actually starts are encouraged to change their Facebook pro$le pictures to the Awareness Week Aware-ness Week logo. Starting next week, large re#ective ribbons will also be for sale every day before school and during break.

The Council for Council Creation

You might not have real-ized it, but along with rise of "e Awareness Week Aware-ness Week Council, the second trimester witnessed the founding of a multitude of active and vital student committees. “Our group especially has been consis-tently productive,” Rosa Vargas says of the Council

for Council Creation. “We’ve managed to start up at least $ve new councils at every weekly meeting for the last few months!”

Vargas, the sub-committee co-chair coordinator of the Council for Council Creation, con$dentially said that her committee at-tributes all of the newly formed councils’ obvious successes to the covert nature of their initiations. “"e administration is very stra-tegic about it: "ey don’t publicize any of the new councils, at all, unless students have to apply for them, in which case students are picked, and then those councils are forgotten, and we get to make new ones!” When questioned about how "e Council for Council Creation generates enough student interest to sustain all these new committees, Vargas stated, “Well the majority aren’t sustain-able at all, but through our trial and mostly error method, we’re developing student committees that have already had a visible impact on our community! It’s important to note, however, that we mostly adhere to the belief that it is the thought that counts.”

#e Scribble and "e Council for Council Cre-ation encourage the student body to take advantage of all the new leadership opportunities our school o!ers when it comes to really making a di!erence on campus!

has itrumor BAG

12 THE SCRIBBLE

We at Bema take pride in our classiness. We try to re"ect this in our (award- winning) magazine. Our magazine would not be possible were it not for students like you who contribute immensely to the process. But we do have a few concerns about your submissions.

Yours Truly, BEMA sta!

*Bema loves students like you, who are interested in every as-pect of the artistic world, but I don’t understand this photo-graph, mainly because it is just a dark square. If this is meant to symbolize the darkness of your soul, I sympathize. My soul, too, is a dark and mysterious place, but I feel it is counter intuitive to lease this information to any stu-dent with enough self worth to read Bema. Revealing to some-one the mystery behind your aura is hardly helpful in your role as a dark, brooding lurker.

The Heart of Darkness

Your second submission was a venture into literature, "e Ballad of Mr. Professor, “Mr. Professor sat in his swivel chair. Outside, a man climbs a mountain fortress.” It is unclear what happened between the chair and the mountain, but for some reason the tense changed. Con-sistency is the key. In addition, your attitude toward the word “said” verges on phobic. At one point, you write, “‘But I have an army,’ he alleged.” We don’t think you know what alleging means. For future reference look it up in a dictionary. Mr. Professor has an army. He did not allege. He “said”, and if that word burns your eyes, he “stated”. "is brings us to the ending. "is is techni-cally your “magnum opus”, but your somewhat wob-bly grasp on the more basic aspects of writing makes us wonder if you have ever read a story. We cannot, in good conscience, tell you how to end your story, but we can assure you that, “"e old woman bought a hearing aid” makes very little sense in a story about a criminal mastermind and his enemy. Perhaps the hero saves the day, perhaps the villain will destroy the world, but we can see no reason for an old woman to buy a hearing aid.

Ballad of Mr. ProfessorRegarding poetry, Your style is

certainly unique. We believe you used the word “#$@#” 10 times, not including the title. "is may be your idea of making a state-ment, but it is not clear what that statement was. Were you defying authority in that powerful line, “@#$! !*#% @#$#%” or were you trying to express the vast emo-tions that you are so obviously feeling. Our favorite line was, undoubtedly, “!#%&#$ $^#% $%#$”. "e raw passion in that line spoke to us with a ferocity rarely seen in poetry these days. But we still feel some concern about the level of profanity. It is certainly extreme and we wonder if there might be another, less ob-noxious way to make your point.

#$@#!

*Speaking of your visual art (that was a transition, some-thing you might want to learn about), the 2-D art compo-sition you submitted was fascinating. "e strong lines, the refusal to color out of the lines, and the willingness to steal the original—it’s capital, old chap. It is obvious that this is where your skill lies, and yet I $nd that we cannot ac-cept this from you. On closer examination, this was a page torn from a coloring book for children. It slipped past my warning signals, weakened by the previous blows discussed above. But Mr. D’Onofrio was able to tell by its rough edges, brownish paper, and copyright label on the bottom

of the page. "is was unfortunate, as I felt the colors re#ected my current emotions so well that we must be kindred spirits, doomed to be forever separated by uncomfortably bad art.

Ethereal Beauty

Dear Bema Submitter, By Nishon Tyler

Artwork by Stanley Gambucci

Art by Stanley Gambucci

APRIL 2012 13

You may think that all senior Eric Miller has to o!er are his stunning looks and impressive talent as a tennis star, but be prepared to be blown away by another outstanding Miller skill: making sandwiches.By Claire Kim and Aly Barrett

Photo by Claire Kim

What are the di!erent sandwiches you make? Usually, I just make PB+J sandwiches. However, I make special sandwiches for special occasions. Some of these in-clude peanut butter and chocolate chip, and peanut butter and marshmallow. Sometimes I even use dark chocolate peanut butter.

Q: Have you ever considered making a market out of your sandwiches?I have considered starting a PB+J busi-ness. Dalante Dunklin would de$nitely be my biggest customer.

Q:

When did you start making your sandwiches?I’ve been making sandwiches since freshman year. What a lot of people don’t know is that besides the two sandwiches I eat during school, I eat one before I come to school. I calculat-ed that in high school alone I’ve eaten 4,380 sandwiches, resulting in a grand total of 1,893,000 calories.

Q:

Aren’t you concerned about the calorie content of your sand-wiches?

Am I fat? I don’t think so.

Q:

What inspired you to make such unique sandwiches?I wasn’t inspired by anyone. It was an original idea.

Q:

What is your favorite choice of bread?Whole wheat bread is a solid choice. However, if I’m in a festive mood I will use cinnamon swirl bread.

Q:

Make me a sandwich?Make you a sandwich? Give, and you shall receive.

Q:

Crunchy or smooth peanut butter?Skippy Smooooooooooth all the way, baby!

Q:

In what classes do you take a sandwich break?I usually take a sandwich break in Mr. Trotter’s class—he now calls me Mr. Peanut Butter. "en I eat one in Ms. Lemoine’s class— she asks me if they’re kosher.

Q:

What is the most challenging thing about your sandwiches?"e most challenging thing about my sandwiches is that they’re always being stolen by Dalante Dunklin, RB Ganon, and Rochon Taylor. I have to protect the sandwiches constantly; I can never leave them alone.

Q:

Is your family supportive of your culinary talents?My family is very supportive of my talents. A%er all, they fund all of the ingredients. A lot of people ask me if my mom makes my sandwiches. "is question really ticks me o!. I make my own sandwiches.

Q:

Peanut ButterJelly TimeIt’s

14 THE SCRIBBLE

TEACHER THROWDOWNS Have you ever wondered what would happen if your teachers had a throwdown? That’s what we’re here for. The Scribble previews two of the most an-ticipated potential matchups in Francis Parker his-tory: The Duel of the Deans, Ms. Anderson vs. Mrs. Dilmore, and The Clash of the Titans, Mr. Crowley vs. Mr. Cook. We’ve provided some background in-formation of the competitors and an expert opin-ion, but anything could happen on #ght night.

FIGHTPREVIEW

DUEL OF THE DEANS

As a fan of the World Wrestling Federation as a child, I took my $ghting style from wrestling greats such as Junk Yard Dog and Ric Flair. I currently have a purple belt (and mask) from the Lucha Libre Martial Arts Studio. I earned these belts $ghting math students who did not want to learn how to properly factor polynomials. I’m currently 22304-3 (win-loss).

My strengths are my good looks and the fact that my trainer is Señor Gomez.My weakness is that I tend to have to stop $ghts to answer emails…it’s a Dean thing.

Her strengths are that she’s as tenacious as a wolverine, and I hear she is training with Mr. Taylor (and we all know he’s dangerous). Her weakness is that she only has a pink, sparkly belt from the YMCA Martial Arts Class.

Well, I spend several hours each week Belly Dance Bowling. When I can, I try to get to the beach to work on my paintball skills (tourists make for good targets). I am also an avid col-lector of the “Parker Teachers” trading cards, and like all math teachers, I enjoy underwater Gaussian Elimination.

I cannot disclose these methods because Señor Gomez is not sure they are all legal in this country.

My strength is that I am small and therefore people do not expect much out of me, and then I give them the spatula chop and it is over. Ninjas have no weaknesses.

I do the double ladle spatula drop. I cannot reveal the method to this move because then I would have to drop YOU.

My opponent’s strengths are her height and her nerdy math skills. Her weakness is her brain. She tries too hard to calculate everything, and that is when I move in for the drop.

"ere is no such thing because I $ght on a whim, so there is no time for “pre-$ght meals.” "at is crazy talk.

Why would I reveal such information? All I can say is that I am in the kitchen a lot, and there is not a baster that I cannot use as a deadly weapon.

What is your "ghting experience?

What would be your strengths and weaknesses in a "ght setting?

What do you think are the strengths and weaknesses of your opponent?

What are your training methods?

What are your intimidation techniques?


If you had a signature move, what would it be and what would you name it?


What would your pre-"ght meal consist of?

What are your training methods?

MRS. DILMORE

MS. ANDERSON

By Jack Benoit

APRIL 2012 15

CLASH OF THE TITANS

I used to box for $ve years, had $ve brothers, and played ice hockey for the majority of my life– that comes with its share of scrappiness.

My strength is that I won’t give up under any circumstance. I am very strong and can take a punishment. My weaknesses are that I lead with my nose, and I am not as quick as I once was.

Mr. Cook is a martial arts expert and can use guns and knives very well, but he has a bum knee that I could easily take advantage of.

I’d rather just go in hungry.

"e Wicked Death Stare

A body slam called the Suplex (UFC move)

BARSKY’S PICKS:




What would your pre-"ght meal consist of?




If you had a signature move, what would it be and what would you name it?

What is your favorite animal?


I fought for French toast instead of pancakes last Saturday; it was brutal and costly. No-holds

-

Flying squirrel. And I think prions are the future, a sad future, but our future nonetheless. I had

-

Dilmore v. Anderson:

Cook v. Crowley:

Photos by Beth Desta, graphics by Marisa Canepa

In a steel cage smack down, I would go with whoever has the ninja zombie on her side. Unless the other person has a trained hunting falcon and a trident and net.

Mano y Mano in the streets, during the weekend. Whoever can make great use of the sun and unbridled power of the wind, cosmos, and the ninja zombie warriors.

If you a had signature move, what would it be, and what would you name it?

MR. COOK

MR. CROWLEY

16 THE SCRIBBLE

SAINT TEBOW

This fall, one man took the Na-tional Football League by storm: Tim Tebow. Not only did Tebow

lead a previously hopeless team to the second round of the playo!s, but he also captured the hearts of football fans everywhere and became America’s fa-vorite athlete. In recognition of Tebow’s success on the football $eld and his de-votion to God and his community, a Vatican o&cial has announced that the Catholic Church will saint Tim Tebow.

“What,” you might wonder, “are the requirements for canonization (saint-hood)?” First, one must have performed at least two miracles. "is season Tim Tebow performed multiple miracles. On four separate occasions, Tim Tebow led the Denver Broncos back from seemingly insurmountable de$cits to win in over-time. "e greatest example of this was an overtime win in the Wild Card round of the playo!s, when, a%er being down for most of the game, the Broncos tied the game late, then, miraculously, won the game on an unbelievable 88 yard pass

play made possible by Tim Tebow’s ex-cellent ability to move in the pocket. "e Vatican has announced that it will be dis-patching a Vatican Investigator to Denver to launch an o&cial investigation to con-$rm the miracles. A high-ranking church o&cial released this statement: “I saw the Pittsburgh game, and I am sure that the Broncos’ win was nothing short of a mir-acle from God himself, but it is Vatican policy that an investigation is conducted.”

"e second requirement for canoniza-tion is evidence of leading an exemplary life of goodness and holiness. Tim Tebow has absolutely led an exemplary, whole-some life. For one, Tim Tebow has been celibate his entire life. Also, Tim Tebow has gone on countless missionary trips to developing countries. Before every game, Tim Tebow spends time with a seriously ill child, pays for his ticket, and then spends time with him a%er the game. Now how many professional athletes do that, and actually mean it?

If you need proof that Tim Tebow has God on his side then look no further than

the numbers. In college, Tebow would write John 3:16 on his eye in black ink. In the Broncos playo! win against the Pittsburgh Steelers, Tim Tebow threw for 316 yards, averaged 31.6 yards-per-completion, and the television ratings were, you guessed it, 31.6. If this is not proof of God, then I don’t know what is.

In addition to cannonizing Tebow, the Vatican has suggested that "e Book of Tebow be added to the New Testa-ment in the near future. "ere is no denying that Tim Tebow is an exem-plary human being, a person one should model himself a%er, but is he worthy of sainthood? Only God can know.

Even more shocking is the fact that Tim Tebow isn’t actually Catholic. “I am aware of the fact that Tim Tebow is in fact not Catholic,” said the Vatican representative, “but this is only a small obstacle in the way of the canonization of this magni$cent man. I am sure that Tim Tebow will be a saint before 2013.”

By Colin Grey

Photo courtesy of usatoday.comPhoto edited by Stanley Gambucci

APRIL 2012 17

Aside from being used to process photos, dark rooms have proven to be some of our most popular sob spots. It’s just you, the unforgiving walls, and a silence silent enough to hear your tears hit the ground. But it’s not just the darkness that makes for a tear-jerking setting; it’s the ambience, artsiness and absolute solitude that really gets you. "e dark room has been a favor-ite of many celebs, including Simon Cowell of American Idol and Corbin Bleu, star of the hit movie Jump In.

THE DARK ROOM:

All it takes is a disability pass and an empty elevator to fully execute the “vator.” Nowhere else on campus will you be able to $nd 10 seconds of solitude to cry. "e alarm button says speci$cally to only press when in an emergency. If not for the bale-ful wails of the destitute, for what else would this button be used? Double your tear time with this quick sim-ple trick and still be on time to class!

THE ELEVATOR:

One of the greatest miscon-ceptions known to man lies in the mystery of love. While thought of as our greatest treasure, it really just leads to tears, heartbreaks, and unhappy freshmen. If you can’t hold the tears until you get home, here’s a list of our favorite places to cry on campus.

campus

As hard as it may be to liter-ally hide your body in the drinking fountain, we have seen the infamous “drinking fountain” tactic count-less times. Instead of crying for the world to see, drink water while tear-ing up so that your wailing will blend in with the water from the fountain.

THE DRINKING FOUNTAIN:

As strange as it may seem, the fruit-$lled shelf, garlic bread aroma, and friendly sta! o%en provide a per-fect pathway into tear-town. Studies have suggested that 60 percent of the time, 40 percent of seniors are too dis-tracted by their hunger to notice you. Plus, crying will only make you hun-grier, and being conveniently located in the lunch line is no coincidence. Eat away your feelings, boys and girls.

THE SENIOR LINE:

Rather than show your sorrow in one of the more public places at Parker, I urge you to check out the Quad, a cer-ti$ed partner of the CC (Campus Cri-ers) since 1912. Not only do I guarantee you will not be seen bawling your eyes out by all of your closest friends, but I will also throw in a free handkerchief to tend to your tears’ every need. Even if you have smeared mascara, messy hair, and no deodorant, you can lose yourself in the sea of students. It’s no surprise that the Quad tactic is far and away our most popular method of tear shedding.

THE QUAD:

on crying

By Jake Siegler, David Nussbaum and RB Ganon

Photos by "e Scribble sta!Photo courtesy of observatory.designobserver.com

18 THE SCRIBBLE

Don’t turn o! the lights. No windows means total darkness, and total darkness means toilet monsters.

Always engage in conversation with your bath-room partner. Don’t be rude. Finish your discussion even if you have $nished your business. Friends made in bathrooms are friends you’ll have forever.

Formulate a bathroom playlist to get you through your experience. Our top recommenda-tions are “Don’t Stop Believin’ ”, “Let’s Get it On”, and “I Can Tell that We Are Gonna Be Friends.” Learn the instrumental sections for some Aca-pella Action.

Stance is everything. Legs shoulder width apart and arms akimbo, while at the urinal you must ex-ude male dominance.

Hide and Go Seek is a great game to play in the men’s bathroom. Turn o! the lights and try to $nd as many people as you can before they are turned back on.

Eye contact is key. Everyone in the restroom is looking for a friend, and a nod or wink will really brighten their days. Remember that eye contact is only successful if maintained for more than $ve sec-onds.

For as long as we can remem-ber, boys and girls have been following an unspoken guide to bathroom conduct. From Bangla-desh to Brooklyn, people every-where have been consistently fol-lowing these rules to succeed in the loo. Take a look at these rules and suggestions to make your bathroom experience that much greater:

"is is not Sea World, so please control yourself at the sink. It is not that hard to keep the water in. It is quite unfortunate when you lean against the counter to get a closer look in the mirror and walk away with a wet line on your polo, or pick up your phone to $nd it soaked.

Make sure you don’t accidently look through that Grand Canyon of a door crack in the $rst stall in the sci-ence building bathroom. (Sorry, that toilet paper curtain doesn’t really work.)

Watch yourself before you ruin a freshman’s inno-cence. "e bathroom can be a great place to chat, but please have the courtesy to check that everyone has evac-uated the bathroom before you go blabbering about your crazy night.

"ere are always those special someones you see in the bathroom at the same time because for some reason you happen to use the same location in between the same classes. Stop thinking it is weird and wondering what they’re thinking. Instead, reach out and give them a little more than that half hearted smile. Strike up convos and make new friends. Smile at that random girl because we are all here for the same reason and no one needs to feel like an outsider. "e bathroom is a safe haven.

Politicsrules of the game

Boys:

Girls:

By Claire Bryan and Jake Siegler

Photos by Claire Bryan

Bathroom

APRIL 2012 19

“My brother is an only child.”

“Mr. Esch, are clouds solid?”**

“FDR was born...”“What is that?”“What is what?”“An FDR.”“He’s a person... a president.”“What does it stand for?”“Franklin Delano Roosevelt”“Do we have to know that?”

*

“Mr. Fickling, how could you have given my daughter an F? I wrote the paper myself.”

“Dear Sir: I am in receipt of your rejection of my ap-plication for admission. As much as I would like to ac-commodate you, I $nd I cannot. I have already received $ve rejections from other colleges, which is, in fact, my limit. Your rejection puts me over my cap. "erefore, I regret to inform you that I am rejecting your rejection and, as much as this may inconvenience the College, I will appear for classes on September 3rd.”“Dr. Wilson, what’s the hardest street drug you’ve ever done?

“One of the most signi$cant events in the world was when Louis Armstrong set foot on the moon.”

“I will be a terri$c additive to your freshman class.”

*

*

*

**

“"is past Spring I was abducted by the National Hon-ors Society.”*Prom: “Ouch, I just gashed my hand!”“Don’t bleed on my dress!”*“Dang, this homework packet is thick!”“"at’s okay. I like my packets like I like my women.”*

Francis Parker is the perfect precur-sor to every elite college education, as it is crawling with intelligent, ethical students and their abounding wisdom. Somehow, from our "rst day at Parker to our last, we manage to transform from normal people into supernatural beings armed with the ability to take over the world. Of course with stu-dents this smart, our halls can’t help but "ll with wise words and inspira-tional statements. Take a look at just how intelligent Parker scholars can be:

words of wisdom

Yes, you

are stupid

XOXO, The Scribble Sta!

By Katie Kreitzer and Claire Bryan

the fruits of a private school education

Photo by Evan Fitzner

Photo by Christie Chen

SCARREDPARKER@

The following graphic stories are real. The peo-ple involved caught the pictures on camera. DO NOT attempt these bone-crunching, skin-splitting stunts under any circumstances! They can cause serious injury or leave you permanently SCARRED!

I am David Wright and this is my scarred story: On Febru-ary 9th, I had just returned home from a long day of school and the only thing on my mind was the much anticipated new episode of Naruto, where Mniato fought the alleged Madara Uchiha. I sprinted to my room at an incredible speed where I rapidly turned on the TV and began #ipping through the chan-nel to Cartoon Network. As I was doing this, it happened: an excruciating pain shot up from the tip of my $nger to my wrist. My wrist had cramped, causing me to roll on the ground for two hours, screaming for my mommy until she $nally arrived home a%er picking me up some Pokémon trading cards. She immediately dialed 911, and a paramedic was on scene right as I entered into shock from the immense pain. Luckily, I was able to whisper to my mom to TiVo the episode right before I en-tered shock. I have still not been able to recover from this scar-ring experience and have not used a remote control to this day.

DAVID WRIGHT

I am Jesse Brookins, and this is my scarred story: I remem-ber November 21st like it was yesterday. I spent the majority of the day tending to my #oral arrangements. I decided to take a break to watch some Dora the Explorer while doing my history homework because I had already done 60,000 push-ups and sit-ups. As I was searching for the required assignment in my history book, I made the mistake of daydreaming about last football season. All of a sudden I had a #ashback to the game against Imperial High, where I trucked the other team’s run-ning back. "is #ashback made me twitch, and all of a sudden I felt an unbearable pain in the tip of my $nger. I let out a roar that woke up the whole neighborhood. As I looked down, I laid my eyes upon the most gruesome, bloody paper cut of all time. I called grandma Cloteal over to perform some ancient healing, but she said my injury was beyond repair. I am scarred forever.

JESSEBROOKINS

By Evan Fitzner

My name is Liza Gurtin, and this is my scarred story: One day I was walking into rowing practice with Joey Ben-oit, and we had just $nished talking about how di&cult it is to reach the cookie jar when it is on the top shelf. In front of the rowing club we came upon a big $eld of grass and had the opportunity to either go around or save time and go straight through it. Seeing that we were already late we decided to go through. If you can imagine the scene from Honey I Shrunk the Kids where the children are stuck in the $eld of grass and they are faced with a variety of di!erent obstacles —that’s what it was like. We had almost made it out, when all of a sudden we came upon a very large blade of grass. Unable to avoid it, I su!ered a grievous injury under my right armpit. "e culprit was an elongated blade of grass, and the pain I sustained will always leave a scar.

LIZA GURTIN

Photo by Christie Chen

20 THE SCRIBBLE

You Just Got

REJECTED

APRIL 2012 21

With the pheromones of love still lingering in the post-valentine air, we here at the SUSSA (Scribe Underground Student Snoop-ing Agency) have compiled some helpful information to rescue you from rejection in the event that you succumb to your hor-monal urges. Here are a couple of realistic situations that you might encounter at some point in your lifetime. Guys and girls, there are many cute and romantic ways to ask your crush on a date, but here are some things you probably don’t want to do.

You Just Got

REJECTEDBy Kara Jones and Jake Siegler

11:00 a.m.: We watch as a sophomore girl places mystery cookies in locker 2** belonging to a senior boy. At 11:15 a.m., we see the same senior boy frantically running to the bathroom. At 11:20 a.m., the previously mentioned girl stands outside occupied bathroom stall with the last roll of toilet paper, demanding his number in return for the paper. Remember kids, love is the secret ingredient; not laxatives.

JUST IN TIMESpotted: Freshman boy conveniently “fainted” out-

side of health and $tness classroom a%er learning CPR. Hoping to get S***** to come to his rescue, he was plan-ning on pulling a “Sandlot” and regaining consciousness at the perfect time. Regardless, the “kiss of life” is no lon-ger part of the CPR procedure. "anks a lot, Coach Glassey.

KISS OF LIFE

A%er standing in the rain for three and a half hours a%er school, hoping to surprise his crush a%er volleyball practice, we watch as a junior boy serenades his lady friend with a Hungarian ballad, holding a beautiful bouquet of roses. A%er she says yes to his proposal, instead of sealing the deal with a kiss, the boy yells out, “You just got punked!” It might have worked for Ashton, but un-less you #ow as smoothly as a babbling brook, don’t even bother.

A MUSICAL SURPRISE

Caught in the act: freshman boy stands shirtless below Ms. O’s room while asking his crush out. Although this might seem like a foolproof idea, make sure you have the abs to support your rather embarrassing display of a!ection. For those less well-endowed, use the #ab to your advantage with the strategic application of body paint and animal stickers.

Photos by Jake Siegler

CAUGHT IN THE ACT

22 THE SCRIBBLE

Well, judging by the four inch length of most of the girls’ skirts in your grade, I say you have a pretty good chance of getting his at-tention. However, getting his respect is an entirely di!erent issue. In some cases, freshman-senior relationships have worked out, but just remember dignity comes $rst. Nobody likes Easy Ellen. Classic freshman.

My friends all said they were busy over the week-end but then I saw pictures of them together on Facebook. Should I confront them about it or just let it go?

Obviously there is a reason you have been ostracized by the group. Maybe instead of stalking everyone else on Facebook you should take time to step back and look at your own #aws. It could be your personality, image, smell, or a nasty combination of all three. Whatever it is, don’t take it out on your friends. "ey are just trying to have a good time.

One of my friends is signing up for a really hard AP class that I know she can’t handle. Should I tell her that I think it is too hard?

No, the last thing your friend wants to hear is that she isn’t good enough. Instead, you should sit back and enjoy the ride. Nothing is funnier than seeing someone break down over a B on a test. Am I right?

I am doing a group project for one of my classes, but the other members don’t seem to be putting any ef-fort into it. How can I tell them that I need help with the work without sounding weak?

It’s your fault for choosing a group with people who have lives out-side of school. Everyone knows that the weakest link gets stuck with the Powerpoint. If I were you, I would accept this as a character-build-ing exercise. You will always be the one doing the work while others have a good time. It’s just how life is. Deal with it.

First of all, the fact that he has lost interest a%er four months is pretty embarrassing. It’s not his problem that he doesn’t want to sit up and talk to you about your petty problems late at night, and it doesn’t help that your personality is as boring as watching paint dry. P.S. Are you the girl I saw fall up the stairs last week? If yes, I don’t think princess undies are in anymore.

I’m a junior this year and really wanted to make it on Varsity. To my dismay, I was once again placed on the freshman team. Should I talk to the coach about it or just suck it up?

Wow. It looks like someone is lacking in the common sense department. Your placement on the freshman team yet again is a clear sign that you should remove yourself from all sports and maybe anything involving coordination. Some people just aren’t cut out for sports. Right?

Dear Katie,

I really like this senior guy but I’m a freshman... do I have any chance with him?

I’ve been going out with this guy for about four months. We used to talk on the phone all the time, but now he doesn’t even pick up when I call him and ignores me to talk with other girls. What should I do?

By Katie Volker

XOXO

Skinny

Beez

With just a couple of months le% of school, I thought it would be a good time to bless the student body with some much-needed advice. So get out your cute little trays and plates because I’m serving up the sass. You’re welcome.

Photos by Claire Bryan

APRIL 2012 21

I’m back Lancers! Yeah, that’s right, it’s Gossip Girl here, your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Parker’s elite. Thought I was dead and gone? You wish! Not only am I back, but I’m back with a vengeance and puh-lenty of gossip. Duh. Second trimester is over, obvi, and while your tardies, grades, and poor citizenship may not carry over to the next trimester, gossip sure does! I’ve got the dish on all of your dirty little secrets, and let’s just say that you Lancers are quite the scandalous bunch. With April Fools’ Day fast approaching, who knows what kind of trouble you guys will get your-selves into? Oh wait, I will! You better be on your best behaviors, Lancers. You never know when you’ll be in the spotlight.

Crocs, hookups gone wrong, and seniors doing work? What is this nonsense? Looks like you guys know how to kick o! the third trimester with a bang, and we haven’t even got-ten to Spring Break yet! Tropical beaches, tanning oil, stay-ing until to all hours of the night— the perfect recipe for a big juicy plate of gossip. Just remember, Lancers, I have eyes, and lots of them. Think no one saw you pick out that hideous bi-kini? I did. Think no one saw you trip over that skateboard af-ter making eye contact with a hot girl? I did. You can’t hide, Lancers. Big Sister is always watching. You know you love me…

xoxo, Gossip Girl

One of Mr. Trotter’s students working in the Social Justice Garden… April Fools! Like that would ever happen. I mean, God forbid someone scu! his Sperrys or chip her recently applied acrylics. "is is Parker a%er all: manual labor is just about as taboo to us as dressing conser-vatively. Besides, we have people for that.

SPOTTED

Senior David Lauer do-ing work— and by work I mean homework... In the third trimester. Gossip Girl say whaaa??

SPOTTEDMultiple couples phoning AAA and claim-ing to be locked in the trunk of their cars a%er it unexpectedly closed on them. Luckily, AAA was prompt and there were no injurie— just some unusual red spots on necks and dishev-eled clothing. Spring fever maybe? Gossip Girl thinks these couples should $nd a new, safer place to canoodle a%er school. Perhaps in-side the car? With real seats? Just a suggestion.

SPOTTED

Freshman Olivia Fidler down-loading some Selena Gomez and Nicki Minaj to her iPod. Oh snap! Could Parker’s only little hipster be going mainstream?

SPOTTED

Sophomore fashionista Carly Stacy rock-ing some electric blue crocs with added charms to school on Tuesday. When asked about the look, C claimed that it’s not the clothes that matter, but the peo-ple wearing them. Yeah, okay C. Good luck getting a Prom date with that one.

SPOTTED

APRIL 2012 23

24 THE SCRIBBLE

By Patrick Riley and Kim Svatos

Peter Parker shot straight to stardom when a mass email from Mr. Barsky went out last winter, and is most often seen on foggy mornings near the Upper School O#ce. Precariously perched on his intricately woven web, Peter is an elusive show-o! with a wild personality. This sarcastic joker is famous for playing pranks on those passing by, so keep your eyes peeled!

Who is your biggest celebrity crush?Emma Stone. I love me some Gwen Stacey.

Q:A:

What is your favorite April Fool’s Day Prank?I like to surprise Mr. "iebach in the morning from inside his co!ee mug. "at’s always a hoot.

Q:A:

What’s the closest you’ve ever come to death? A stray frisbee went through my web one time... "at was a close call. "anks, Rickey Leary. "at web took me all morning to build.

Q:A:

What was your last dream?I bit Ross Nicol in the neck, which was perfectly shaven, by the way. Needless to say, it was a radioactive experience for both of us. *Wink.*

Q:A:

PETER PARKER

Deceptive and legendary, the Dumpster Cat is a relatively recent addition to the Parker world. Spotted most often kickin’ back near the blue dumpsters be-hind Ms. Redelings’s classroom, he is known for his re"ned taste in whatever food you didn’t eat that day. Don’t get on this tabby’s bad side ‘cause he’s got some pepped up anger about his dead friends over in Mr. Johnson’s room.

Have you ever had a bad experience with a Parker student?I never have, but my friend Dean was dissected in Physio last week.

Q:A:

Who is your favorite artist? I’ve found that I can really relate to Eminem. “Come here little kitties,on my lap, guess who’s back with a brand new rap?”

Q:A:

What would you do in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse?Dean kept a stash of machine guns down in the canyon for such an occa-sion. I’d be $ne.

Q:A:

What do you do in your spare time?I like to hang out with McKenna Allard’s nine cats.A:

CREATURE FEATURECONVERSATIONS WITH THE COOLEST CREATURES ON CAMPUS

DUMPSTER CAT

Q:

THE SPIDER

Photos by Patrick Riley and Kimberly Svatos

*CAMERA SHY

APRIL 2012 25

Coming from humble beginnings at Lake Miramar in Scripps Ranch, the $ock of ducks on the Lancer Lawn have become a beloved part of the morning trek to advisory. They have claimed the area in front of the Commons as “duck territory” and until now have remained a mystery to the student body. But don’t fret, The Scribble has an inside interview with our webbed-foot friends that is sure to answer all your questions.

What was your biggest baking disaster?We tried to make cupcakes once but realized we used my sister’s eggs in the recipe.

LIBRARY LAWNDUCKS

Q:A:

Do you play any sports?We dodge the food the children violently throw at us, then we eat it. If you can dodge croutons, you can dodge a ball.

Q:A:

What is the most exotic place you’ve ever been? "e Parker Café when they serve gyros and couscous.

Q:A:

Who is your favorite person at Parker?Dr. McLaughlin, because she always gives us the le%over cookie crumbs and lets us vent about our feelings.

Q:A:

Installed last year supposedly to ward o! crows, the hawks have since become just another part of Parker. Every few seconds of ev-ery hour of every day, these ominous watchmen emit a truly annoy-ing noise. You might think this tiring and monotonous life would lead to a boring personality, but au contraire; the Hawk on top of the Rose Gallery gave us just a taste of what the rowdy hawks are like.

ROOFTOPHAWKS

Who is the most attractive person in the world?"at chick that caws from the arts building is pretty hot.

What is your favorite movie? "e Hunger Games. "ere’s just something about watching high school aged children murder each other.Would you rather have your crush date your best friend or your worst enemy?Enemy. Because then I wouldn’t feel as guilty when they suspiciously disappear.

Q:A:

Is there anything else you think we should know?Everyone should stop doing embarrassing things when you think nobody’s looking... I always see you, Alexa Rodriguez.

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A:Q:

26 THE SCRIBBLE

3. Girls Trying to Make Machine Gun Sounds: In this world, there are some things that women were simply never meant to do. We have discovered that the rapid $re sound e!ect is one of those things.

2. Snapbacks: Men, the days of little league are over. Your head isn’t growing anymore. Put away the plastic and get $tted hats like a grown-up.

1. Plastic Surgery on Men: It starts with a doctor telling you he’s only going to smoothe out a few wrinkles. It ends with an awful reality show and sell-ing your soul to E! 2. Manscaping: Since when

did looking like Chewbacca on the beach become a trend? "e Michael Phelps chest hair is in style this year. 2. Meggings:

Jeans + Leggings + Men = Meggings. I don’t know how this hasn’t been cre-ated yet. "e $rst thing I think when I see a pair of exposed manly legs is “Hey, we should cover those in the tightest, tackiest fabric possible.” "is is brilliant.

1. Sam Cassell’s Head: E.T., phone a hat store. I’m start-ing to wonder if our genera-tion should build solar panels or just absorb the energy re#ecting o! this basketball player’s head.

3. Plastic Surgery on Ladies: “It’s one of the few chanc-es ladies get to make their outside ap-pearance look like their inside. Fake.”- Daniel Tosh

1. A Mullet: Business in the front, Party in the back. Roll Tide.

3. Fanny Packs: Man’s sad-attempt of becoming a neon-green zip-up pouched kangaroo. I mean, where else are you going to put your emergency Q-tips and lint roller?

HOT1. NOT

TRENDYBy Raphie Cantor and Ben Peters

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{for men}

Photos Courtesy of:theonion.com

tumblr.comimnotobsessed.com

askmen.comdanwintersphoto.com

timenewsfeed.comwellpromo.com

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APRIL 2012 27

G i r a f f e

Fi t z n e r

E v a n

Fitzner

What is at the end of

the rainbow?

Who would play you

in an indie short "lm?

Do you be-lieve in life after love?

Workin’ hard or hardly

workin’?

Favorite animal on campus?

What does glory taste

like?

It gradually dif-fuses into regu-

lar sky.Mostly SQUIRREL Hardly workin’

SENIOR PTC paper

RB GanonDo I look in the mirror every day?

Andy Piacquadio

A little bit of both

Morgan Freeman G-note

James Wamsley and his pot of

goldMost likely

Well, I’m not really an animal

kind of guy.Workin’ hard Morgan

FreemanRaspberry

Tilapia

A striped unicorn

Wouldn’t really know yet

"e little mouse who lives in the

buses by the bench

Hardly work-ing at being this

awesome—it comes naturally.

Audrey Yang’s alter ego

Strawberry Champagne

Your momMr. Taylor’s

secret pet corn snake, “Je! ”

HA! At Parker?? Take a wild

guess.

"e conserva-tive hot babe with a boyish

haircut

Kool Aid

separated at birthCompiled by Ben Peters

*

Seni

orFr

eshm

anSo

phom

ore

Juni

orFa

culty

Eric Goicoechea

What is love?

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Photo courtesy of Panoramio.com

Eric Lee

Karina Dominguez

Daphne Yang

Mr. HarringtonPhotos by Christie Chen

The Scribble 2012

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Transcript of The Scribble 2012