THE ROPETHE COMPLETE BIRTH OF THE FUNNY

eko Muckity Muck! Keko Muckity Muck! Mene Mene Teckle Upharsin! BSSS! HRSG! BMMC! BUHCC! SCURVY! Lost in transition, the Brothers NoZe must po-sition some volition on whether opposition is the right decision for our next politician.

‘Cause Underwood deserves some recognition: playing cleanup position took reasonable am-bition, sure, but I mustbut I mustbut inquisition I must inquisition I must “another raise in tuition?” UN-necessary. UN-necessary. U Our proposition?We commission the musician prez on a diplomatic mission to repair faculty division with a har-monious composition. So can I get a Satch? Satchel? Satchellissiiimoooooooooooooooo!!!!!

k

Ye shall know them by their NoZes...

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THE

R

O

P

E

The Brotherhood of the NoZe Presents...

Cunning LinguistBro. TheNoZeous Monk (1)

Shekel KeeperBro. NoZe Sequiter (11)

Lorde MayorBro. NoZe v. Wade (9) E-Brother

Bro. NoZe, Table for SixLinguist Emeritus

Bro. RomaNoZe Clef (3)The Brothers Bro. Bush’s Krispy TacNoZe (2) Bro. KuntNoZe Kinte Bro. Fats DomiNoZe (4) Bro. NoZe Before Hoes Bro. 867-530NoZe Bro. NoZe DefVenerable Exiles Bro. Al PachiNoZe Bro. Huey P. NoZeton Bro. Ultra MagNoZe Bro. Samir NoZeenanajar Bro. NoZeB-GYN Bro. NoZeanderthal Bro. DyNoZemite

The Bored of Graft Bro. AbstiNoZe (8) Bro. Don’t Cry For Me ArgentiNoZe (5) Bro. Supercali-etc-NoZe Bro. RomaNoZe ClefFaculty Hostage Bro. NoZe Better*Hangin’ On Bro. Charles K. PoNoZi Bro. SharoNoZe, mu-mu-mu-my Bro. Obi-wan KeNoZebi Bro. XeNoZe, Warrior Princess Bro. NoZé Cuervo Bro. NoZetre Dame Walk-on

Trembling Neophytes, Sore and Afraid: Marlon BrandNoZe (7), Casper the Friendly NoZe (6), NoZepotism (10)

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Vol. 81

No. 3

Dear Lorde Mayor, What is the meaning of life? Confused in CollinsDear Audra Allen, Well it’s actually quite simple. When one rises early in the morning, and the butter made out of that particular cream is an unbelievable tasting product and well deserved, then one can use it to reimburse themselves in the from all the crayon boxes and tacky glue they had to provide their classes out-of-pocket. Wow, it is way to early and I am quite behind. At least no one will ever know what this says except me. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Spae fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Duck balloon space form pace fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Oatmeal raisins, OBVIOUSLY. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space Thus rendering the plunger obsolete.

Dear Lorde Mayor He answers the questions that matter the most

Dear Lorde Mayor, I’m really enjoying all the coverage of me in the last few Ropes, it’s almost like I’m a celebrity or something. Do you think that mentioning it will impress girls? Still HereDear Caleb Marsh, No. Stick with the blatant lies, they’ve worked so far.

Dear Lorde Mayor, Don’t you think the new Cunning Linguist is a bit full of himself? Annoyed Across the HallDear Me, Why yes, yes he is.

Dear Lorde Mayor, Do you guys really accept questions from the student body, or does one guy write them all by himself? Guess WhoDear Me Agai n,

Take up all the space you want; if you want, explain the meaning of life.

Dear Lorde Mayor, What is the meaning of life? Confused in CollinsDear Audra Allen, Well it’s actually quite simple. When one rises early in the morning, and the butter made out of that particular cream is an unbelievable tasting product and well deserved, then one can use it to reimburse themselves in the from all the crayon boxes and tacky glue they had to provide their classes out-of-pocket. Wow, it is way to early and I am quite behind. At least no one will ever know what this says except me. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Spae fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Duck balloon space form pace fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Oatmeal raisins, OBVIOUSLY. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space fi ller. Space Thus rendering the plunger obsolete.

Dear Lorde MayorHe answers the questions that matter the most

Dear Lorde Mayor, I’m really enjoying all the coverage of me in the last few Ropes, it’s almost like I’m a celebrity or something. Do you think that mentioning it will impress girls? Still HereDear Caleb Marsh, No. Stick with the blatant lies, they’ve worked so far.

Dear Lorde Mayor, Don’t you think the new Cunning Linguist is a bit full of himself? Annoyed Across the HallDear Me, Why yes, yes he is.

Dear Lorde Mayor, Do you guys really accept questions from the student body, or does one guy write them all by himself? Guess WhoDear Me Agai n,

Take up all the space you want; if you want, explain the meaning of life.

And now, a few words from the

Cunning LinguistAhh, yes. It feels good to be in power…The helm of Cunning Linguist has fi nally rec-ognized its poster child, so please, do al-low me to introduce myself. I am Bro. The-NoZeous Monk. Be sure to remember that name, because my mother always told me that I am destined for success. Now that I have been rightfully recognized as grand emperor of all that is righteous, divine, and debaucherous, I can begin my quest to implement my whims through this pre-cious vehicle known as the Rope. This is truly the Birth of the Funny (see cover.) As Cunning Linguist, I politely request that you take a small break from reading this killer rag and look around you. Things are not as they’ve always been. The times, they are a changin’. There’s a new Cunning Linguist (that’s me), a new university pres-ident in town, and most importantly, the special edition DVD of the Big Lebowski is being released. Oh, how lucky are you, the gentle reader, to witness such awe-in-spiring events? I’ll tell you how lucky you are.. extremely lucky. Not only am I the greatest human being since the invention of sliced bread, but I also eat sandwiches on a daily basis, made of that same bread.

As I was saying,

before the end of the page rudely cut me off... I was also the recipient of the esteemed “Most Creative Individual” award in my 2nd grade class, and swept the regional UIL award for best poetry in middle school. In addition, I over-came blindness as a youth, and can now en-joy the beautiful world around me in perfect 20/20 vision, with only minimal help from my glasses. Impressive, no? I thought so too. Well, enough about me...we here at the Noble

N o Z e B r o t h e r h o o d

(Satch!) hope you read this Rope over and think about the world around you, and the place it’s turning into. But most importantly, think about how awesome I am, and how much money you would spend just to have privilege of hanging out with me.

Lorde Mayor Bro. NoZe v. Wade, two days sober, three years illiterate...

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“New” President to Take Over Baylor in 2006Faculty Senate to Give Vote of No Confidence as Housewarming Gift

Well, it looks like Interim-Interim President Lilley is off to a classic start! After being publicly named as the unani-mous choice for the Baylor Presidency by the Board of Regents at 3:00 PM, there was already a scandal brewing by the 10 o’clock news involving his presidency at the University of Nevada in Reno. This broke the previous land-speed record for a scandal, set by Bob Sloan in 2003, which clocked in at just less than 20 hours, 14 minutes, and 7.268 seconds.

The scandal at UNR, which focused on faculty dissatisfaction, walrus infesta-tion, and a severe lack of university spon-sored prostitutes on campus, is eerily simi-lar to the situation under Sloan – minus the faculty dissatisfaction.

Several members of the Faculty Senate here at Baylor have already started preparing for the upcoming battle. Dr. Eric Robinson, who wished to remain name-less (for fear of becoming jobless) claimed that, “[the faculty are] ready to do whatev-er it takes to make sure that this campus is thrown into a medieval upheaval over pet-ty misunderstandings and differences once again.” When asked why he felt it neces-sary to bring division back to Baylor, Rob-inson revealed that this could increase the university’s news coverage and potentially draw more students to the university.

While most were concerned about his lack of experience in appeasing faculty, all were pleasantly surprised when Lilley invited the entire Faculty Senate to rock in chairs on his front porch. All awkward tension was broken when Lilley offered Robinson a big bag of ribbon candy.

“Let your disagreements melt away like the sugary goodness of this old tasty treat,” opted Lilley as he rocked to and fro’ while nursing a Bartle’s and James. Saltwater taffy and a game of stickball were reportedly also involved, although most members of the Senate had to “run on home” when the street lights came on.

“Oh, I get it,” ex-claimed Bro. Fats Domi-Noze. “It’s because he’s old! That’s stupid…”

However, this is-sue seems to be the last thing on the minds of righ-teous Baylor Bears every-where. The main concern that has been troubling the campus involves Dr. Lilley’s previous presidency of secular institutions.

“UNR is a state school,” said Life Group leader Todd Sweeny. “I’m afraid Lilley’s not going to understand how we operate here at Baylor. I mean, is he going to start every meeting off with a prayer? Will he bless every meal (espe-cially the public ones) before he eats? Or how about scheduling his quiet times dur-ing the business day, so that anyone who’s interested can peek in his office and know how devout he is? These are concerns that haven’t been addressed yet, and I’m afraid that I speak for everyone when I say…” Todd’s interview was suddenly cut short when we turned around and walked away.

On the other hand, not everyone on cam-pus has been acting as irrational as Mr.

Sweeny; Bro. The-NoZeous Monk of the Noble NoZe Brotherhood, East Waco Diocese (Satch!) has taken a legitimately hos-tile political stance by openly declar-ing an intifada on the incoming president. Sources from deep within the NoZe Broth-erhood say that this threat should be taken worth a grain of salt, see-ing as Monk has also declared in-tifadas on Little Debbie snack

cakes, some guy in his advanced calculus class, and the entire Atlantic Ocean within the past week alone.

“Personally, I can’t wait for the let-ters-to-the-me,” beamed local Lariat intern and highest ranking official at the news-paper, Josh Horton. “It’s just a shame that I’m completely illiterate.”

While the future for Baylor’s Big-gest-Little President remains uncertain, it probably won’t be as horrible as some fear or as good as some hope. In any case, the issue has taken a backseat for 99% of cam-pus who are more concerned with Karaoke on Wednesday night at Scruff’s and the current walrus infestation.

President John Lilley wants to give you a Werther’s Original.

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Christian Marriage Banned in Texas

“I’m dancing with this beautiful woman, and all I

can think about is the extra-large sausage at Rollo’s..

Damn the Navy and damn this war.”

Poppa Rollo’s Pizza Pie Parlor

Ph. 254.776.6776 703 N. Valley Mills Dr.

Come stuff your face at...

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With an underwhelm-ing vote of 2,837 to 34.3, Texans passed Prop-2, a prop-osition to make the act of mar-riage between two people of the Christian faith completely illegal. Most weren’t shocked by the results considering the conservative nature of most voters in the state. “This was really a vote to uphold the sanctity of mar-riage,” claimed Bob Burndle-meyer, a local member of 7th and James Barely Baptist Church. “The Baptist faith has always fought for a strict sepa-ration of church and state, so we’re glad that the state finally butted its head out of our busi-ness and let us be.” Most voters cited ethi-cal reasons, such as the divorce rate, while some turned to the scriptures and yet others had no rational reasons at all. The most vocal proponents of the measure cited Old Testament scriptures about men not shav-ing their beards or committing adultery.

“The fact is,” con-tinued Burndlemeyer, “most Christians just don’t deserve marriage. We’ve had a lot of problems with ‘loving thy neighbor’ and pretty high di-vorce rates. Knowing that it’s a Godly institution, it should be left to those who don’t sin.” Burton Hornsby, a Christian whose marriage was recently annulled, was more than upset about the decision. “Christians invented marriage. Nowhere, in any other culture has there ever been marriage of any form other than in Christi-anity. It wasn’t until recently that the heathens adopted the practice for the sole purpose of getting tax breaks.” “Burton makes a great point,” agreed Prop-2 sup-porter Andrew Reed. “Unfor-tunately none of it’s true. But if he was right, man would we be in trouble.” Reed went on to ex-plain his position: “Allowing Christians to marry is unthink-able! It would open the flood

gates to allowing polygamy, bestiality and men marry-ing their coffee tables. I think that’s obvious to anyone with a little bit of common sense.” One of the more ratio-nal arguments in support of Prop-2 is that Christian mar-riage would lead to the demise of civil society and that man-kind would be plunged into a brutish existence of savagery spent scraping through the ru-ins of a once-proud civiliza-tion. This dark age of human-ity could last anywhere from 300 to 12,000 years according to most Christian Marriage Ban advocates. However, not everyone was pleased with the passage of Prop-2. Ted Speckleston, a member of a Christian Rights Activist group, claimed that the arguments for the Chris-tian Marriage Ban were un-founded. “We’re just regular people wanting to express our love in a clear and meaning-ful manner. We’re no different than you. All we want is some

respect and equal protection under the law.” When asked his opinion on the matter, Jesus Christ, a local deity, was vehemently opposed to the ban. “You can’t just single out a certain group of people and tell them they can’t partake in some arbitrary act, can you? What’s next?! Intelligent Design being taught in public schools?!” Indeed, what is next, Jesus?

In what came as a surprise decision to many here at Baylor, Dean Manness of the Business School unanimously de-cided a few weeks ago to remove Tim Smith from Hankamer’s Board of Advi-sors. As it turns out, Smith was caught drinking from the forbidden Starbucks cup; “Well, I saw him threatening social harmony, so I seized the cup from him and threw it away. Then I fired Smith and tore down the entire hallway he was standing in to ensure that no one would be influenced by any of the lingering ef-fects,” beamed Manness.

In Other News...

a Thanksgiving Memoir

Stop Killing yourself over which apartment complex to

live at... go to

Arlington Farms!Ph: 254.753.0178 1800 Primrose Dr.

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(Note from the Cunning Linguist: Over the break we found this page from Tom Hank’s diary fluttering in the wind, detailing his Thanksgiving experiance. We here at the Rope would like to share it with you.)

ods be praised! This year shall see the greatest Day of Thanks in my 3 score and a dozen fortnights long life. With an empty abode I find myself with the freedom of a thousand sunless prairies to indulge in the sweetest of all mortal libations, the traditional feast fixture of the Pilgrim’s Pride: the breast of the turkey slathered upon two warm loaves of Ciabatta imbibed down with the Dew of the Mountains.

This most delectable of poultry treats has truly satiated me stomach’s desire on this day. Peradventure I shall enjoy another, and then again, peradventure I shall not. Doth thou know the glorious splendor of an afternoon on thine own whilst devouring the meat of the bird and divulging into paroxysms of joy over the succulent flavor of both the sandwich and mine lonely state?

I truly give thanks to you, Almighty God on High for blessing me with this most succulent of bounties. With me stomach full of this majestic creature’s flesh, you have dared me to be less like a man and more like a God myself.

But Alas! What other worldly soul can I share my token adventures with but mine diary and mine own stress-burdened memory?

But I digress, for though loneliness, the most cruelest of arrows, has struck my heart this day, I am comforted in knowing that soon enough my true love’s whisper shall be upon my neck again. My bride, to hold her in my eyes once more will be a moment most highly treasured when her metal steed carries her faithfully back up the pilgrimage trail known as Inter-State Thirty Five. Ride true upon Le Sabre’s saddle! Grasp the hilt with a holiday’s worth of yearning, for the winds of desire shall drive that mighty steed’s flanks at a speed I fear you have not dared to imagine.

The days to come hold only misery with the dreary countenance of Cultures of the World lectures in the eponymous BIC and the sullen hours dragging by like the stone of Sisyphus whilst I wait for the hands of the clock to call me back home to the arms of my bride. Oh yes! She who has ensnared my heart for so long! The one true object of my longing! Every minute feels like an eternity of never-ending sorrow when she and I are apart.

King Arthur himself would grow the green ivy of envy to know that her sweet love belonged to me, but I long til the next festival – the birth of our Lord – to share the splendors I have garnered on this day with you, my bride. My lonely state will persist until you finally return. Should she not return to me safely tonight, there will be much suffering in Gildor tommorow.

By: Dr. Tom Hanks, Dapper

g

At 5:14 am on Friday, November 18, 2005, during the illustrious diurnal meeting of the Noble NoZe Brotherhood (Satch!), Bro. TheNoZeous Monk made a shocking discov-ery: the once overflowing box of Lil’ Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies had been ravaged by the Brotherhood! With a cry of de-spair to rival the gutless whin-ing of Prometheus, or that one time when Bro. Al PaciNoZe’s mother fully realized what she

had brought onto the earth, TheNoZeous stopped all pro-ductivity with a bloodcurdling bellow. “How could something like this happen?” he wailed. Sadly, no one could give him an answer that would satisfy him. Bro. Casper the Friendly NoZe looked away guiltily as TheNoZeous’ accusing eyes roamed the room. “I admit it, I had an oatmeal cream pie,” said the

penitent neophyte. In what can only be described as a fit of pure rage accompanied by an uncanny vocabulary, Monk kicked the trembling neophyte out of the NoZe mansion. After the brilliant display of a clear power trip, Bro. Don’t Cry for me ArgentiNoZe turned to TheNoZeous and quietly said, “Dude… Bro. Samir had like, eight.” It was at this point that Bro. RomaNoZe Clef stepped

in. “Guys! We’ve got a ton of work to do. What are you grip-ing about?” When Argenti-NoZe broke the news of what had just gone down to him, RomaNoZe, in a show of su-per human strength that only comes to mere mortals in times of great duress, ripped off the head of the nearest neophyte and exclaimed “We’re out of Oatmeal Cream Pies?!?!?! Have I not suffered enough!?”

Bro. TheNoZeous Monk Disappointed at Meeting Lack of Oatmeal Cream Pies plays crucial role

“Okay girls, on four... Heel, toe, heel, toe, spin, tops off, pants down.”

Sonny’s B.Y.O.B.*$5 Admission 6-8 PM*Wed- Over 40, 1/2 cover*Sun, Mon & Thurs Football Half-time Buffet & $1 Dances*15+ Exotic Dancers*$5 off w/ Military or College ID*Hourly Dance Specials

Open 7 days, 6pm - 4am

Ph: 254.754.3139 2300 S. Loop 340 @ S. 12th

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Counter-Point: I’m Catholic, quit calling me “you people”

Point: Man, You people are great for diversity!By: Jennifer “Jenn” Robertson, Typical Baptist

Man, you people are great. You’ve really helped out with campus diversity here at Baylor. We used to be a closed minded Baptist university, but since we started accept-ing people like you, we’ve been exposed to a whole new world of ideas!

I used to think that my way of life was the only way, but you people have really changed my mind. You see, I used to shy away from you in public because I thought no good could come of you. Once I took the time to understand you, I have simply fallen in love with everything about you: your unique music, interesting jewelry and boisterous passion for your own way of life.

At times though, I must admit that I am slightly disappointed by you guys. I always see you sitting together at one of the many dining halls, having your own private conversations, and I wish you would ask me to join. I noticed you going to your very own churches, and all I want is an invite. I want to participate. I want to be involved. I want to know more about you, because, isn’t that what multiculturalism is all about?

Diversity is very important at a major university, and you people give it to us in spades. So I urge you not to listen to what everyone else at this school has been saying about you, because when it comes down to it, they just aren’t as open minded as I am.

By: Peter O’Malley, “Catholic-American”

What the hell man? I’m Catholic. We’re really not that different from you; despite what you may have heard, Catholics are Christians too. If anything, we’re more Christian than you because we still hold all seven sacraments.

I hear all this talk about how we’re the weird ones, about how we need to change. Did you know there was a time when Catholics were the only Christians around? I like to call it the period from 39 to 1649 AD. We had a good thing going. The destitute masses of Europe were a cash cow, and then you Protes-tants had to show up with your “faith alone” ideas and ruin everything.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that it hasn’t been all smooth sailing for us across the millennia (that’s right, millennia) but after 2000 years, anybody’s bound to have at least a few bad days. Contrary to what you might think though, we are trying our best. Wait, what am I making an excuse to you people for? I tell you what, you give me a call in 1800 years, and we’ll see how well you’ve been doing. Because so far, you haven’t gotten off to the most auspicious of starts.

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So you guys are a little different, what’s the big deal?

One church under God my Fanny!

Hey guys... what are we gonna do about this new President, Lilley?

Well, we don‛t know much about him other than the fact that this “new” guy is actually pretty old. Oh, and the big scandals at UNR. But we don‛t really know how he‛s gonna fly here at Baylor.

That‛s weak, brother. He‛s alreadypresented us with a sizeable amountof material..Who would think that a music man could lead a university?What‛s next, our football team being replaced by 76 trombones?

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Dude, your Music Man referencesare stupid lame.

Shut-up Brothers... Let‛s get to work on this.

I‛ve got it! We‛ll come out both against him, and for him! That way if he alien-ates the faculty, we will have been right all along. And if he somehow ush-ers this university into a

renaissance of unity, then we‛ll have been right all

along too! This is the best idea I‛ve had since I

decided to incorporate that chainsaw into my

dinner habits.

But what about internal consistency, Brother? People will begin to take us as serious as some stupid comic book.What about our integrity?

And so the Sun sets in Elm Mott, knowing that once again, the NoZe will provide students

with something to read during class.

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So, the NoZe Brothers thought....

...and thought....

Internal consistency?! Integrity?I don‛t know if we ever had any of that to start with, Brother, but if we ever did, I‛m pretty sure we lost it when we put out the magazine. Besides, we‛ll still end up looking betterthan the Lariat.

“... but the thing i miss most of all,

jimmy, is my cowboy coffee.”

Common Grounds

Coffee ShoppePh: 254.757.2957 1123 S. 8th St.

“We don’t care if you want to go to the Sizzler again, Dr. Lilley, we’re

going to Claypot.’

Claypot Viet Cuisine

Ph: 254.756.2721 920 K.H. Kultgen Fwy

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Student Congress to Help Spread Aids, Awareness.

With a vote of 3 for, 1 against and 38 abstaining, a bill passed in Student Congress last Thursday to allocate over $1,999.99 to Students Fighting AIDS Awareness, a new student group created by several mem-bers of Baylor Students for So-cial Justice and the Family Guy Watching Club. “There is an epidemic in this country,” claimed Stephanie Howe, President of SFAIDSA. “Over 93% of all Americans are exposed, most unknowingly, to AIDS Awareness everyday. It could come from a teacher, a doctor, a sexual partner. The threat is literally everywhere.” The money will be al-

located so that members of the group and at least 38 other students, representing the 20% of Americans that are totally aware of the existence of the deadly syndrome, can go shirtless to school on National AIDS Day in an effort to stifle the dangerous onslaught of knowledge. However, the benevolent legislation hit a brick wall late last night when Student Body President Mark “Everybody Loves” Raymond vetoed the bill. “I knew that my giant new veto stamp would come in handy,” claimed Raymond. “I, mean, I believed in the cause. I think AIDS Awareness needs to be stopped as much as the next guy,

but I just couldn’t let the semes-ter end without at least pretend-ing to be against something.” President of Student Congress Scott “Hoosier Daddy” Beggs was unavailable for com-ment as he was in the middle of an extremely important nap. At that point in the con-troversy, the Lariat, a campus laughingstock, smelled blood and couldn’t help but move in for the kill. “Me like to edit,” drooled Josh Horton, the “edi-tor”. “Me good at words. Me like to give campus me opinions. Meow!” Oddly enough, the veto will have little to no effect on the organization because, as it

turns out, they weren’t going to be able to stop AIDS Awareness in the first place. “I think we can get by,” claimed Stephanie Howe. When asked how the group planned on impeding the knowledge of an epidemic which everyone already knows about, or how it would even help the problem, Howe blinked her eyes and began to tear up in a moment which broke through the dark boundaries of satire and burst into the blinding light of com-mon sense. To actually help in the fight against AIDS contact www.AIDSforAIDS.org. To pretend to be helping, wear an ugly yellow shirt and educate yourself.

Misplaced Comma Causes Mass, Confusion

Noze in the Street Ask...

What do you think about the new President?

“Gentlemen, calmdown.. Let’s go toOlive Branch and settle the dispute

over some pastries”

The Olive BranchBakery and Cafe

Mon-Fri: 7:30 AM - 3:00 PMSun: 9:00 AM - 2:00 PM

Closed Sat.

Ph: 254.757.0885 601 Franklin Ave.

“Bush got re-elected? That’s unbelievable! Did you know his ranch is right down the road?”

Amanda Brophy, Pi Phi“Didn’t we just ask this a couple of months ago?”Bro. Fats DomiNoZe

- 12 - - 13 -

“I dunno... I guess he’s alright,but he’s a bit old, isn’t he?” John Lilley, Class of ‘62

While immersed in some important reading, Capital One Vice-President Bill Yontz was surprised and slightly aroused when instead of finding another lurid picture of a young lady, he came across Baylor’s be-loved mascot, Bruiser. Faster than you can say “trundle-bed,” the Capital One Investigatory Squad placed the mascot under triple turquoise investigation. After twelve days of rig-orous goings on, the Squad was able to confirm Bruiser’s partic-ipation in nude photography and also found that Bruiser had used the $5000 awarded to Baylor’s mascot program to surgically enhance himself. When charges were filed against Bruiser, sev-eral key witnesses stepped in to

testify on his behalf including Thelma Frenkel, 1956 Playmate of the Year, and the omniscient Hugh Hefner. As mountains of evidence piled up, there seemed to be no hope for Bruiser, until Hef-ner himself passed out a few lifetime subscriptions and took the stand. The subsequent testimo-ny was too incred-ible for words, but all charges against Bruiser were im-mediately dropped and many apologetic letters and naughty photographs were mailed to the mascot.

Even though Bruiser was acquitted, he still chose to re-move himself from the taste-less contest. Students and

alumni were horri-fied. When asked his opinion on the mat-ter, Baylor junior and FIJI member Sprinkle Johannes-burg smugly noted, “Honestly man, that bear looked good, I mean, I didn’t see the photos, but I’d like to think that he was one attrac-tive bear.” Oddly enough, Johannes-

burg was immediately expelled for his statement by the dark powers that be, while simulta-

neously being named president of his fraternity. “I swear, man, I really didn’t see the pictures,” he added awkwardly. “And if I did, I didn’t enjoy them.” The most important figure in the controversy, Bruiser, took off his cartoonishly large head to make a public statement. “None of this would have happened if Baylor hadn’t made the mascot suit anatomically correct.” It seems that the heart of Baylor has been ripped out and eaten by the very bear that ex-emplified it. The school has been banned from future Capi-tal One contests which sources claim will have little to no effect on the school’s future.

Found Posing for Playboy

- 14 - - 15 -

“For God’s sake, you harlot of Babylon! Cover yourself up with a

shirt from Bearcotton!”

Ph: 254.296.00951211 Speight Ave.

Opposite Corner from HEB

Bruiser, pre-enhancive surgery

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Grand Opening to the public!

Come and enjoy Baylor’s newest dining hall, on the corner of University Parks and I-35!

* 24 Hour Breakfast!* Full Salad Bar!* New Dessert Station!* Big Screen TVs!* Handicapped Parking!

* Vegetarian Menu!* Clean Bathrooms!* Friendly Staff!* Use Your Meal Card!* Comfortable Booths!

Mr. PuZZle asks: “Are you going to study for fi nals this year?”

Put together the picture puzzle to fi nd out!

+ = ?

Readers beware! Here come the BRIEFS!

Guerilla Troupe Having Trouble Writing New Material Gene Simmons to Join Kiss Tribute Band

The Guerrilla Comedy Troupe of Baylor University was scheduled to perform at several staff birthday parties in addition to the welcome party for the new president, but it seems that the Troupe will be canceling its cam-pus-wide tour early this year. As of late, the news is that the im-provisational comedy group is on a sabbatical of sorts. To get to the heart of the matter, the Noble NoZe Brotherhood (satch!) inter-viewed troupster Zach Kelty.

“We could tell something wasn’t clicking in our last few performances. I accredit it to our lack of new material.” According to Kelty, the group is taking the rest of the semester off to write fresh sketches; they are even con-sidering an emergency day-after-Christmas meeting if the early writing sessions fail to provide the monkey boys with enough “usable” material. “Don’t worry, Baylor’s favorite improvisational, sketch-

based, audience-oriented comedy performing group will be back with some fresh new skits by the first week of the Spring semes-ter,” said Kelty, who for the first time was not reading his lines off a pre-composed press release. Upon realizing that this article only contained one humor-ous premise, the Cunning Lin-guist immediately sent Bro. NoZe Sequitur, the author, to deliver this article to the Troupe, because one joke is better than none at all.

Citing a dip in his pop-ular, the former front man for the power ballad, proto-heavy metal band KISS has decided to become the front man for a cover band playing the tunes of his former power ballad, proto-heavy metal band KISS.

“At first, I just wanted to Rock and Roll all night and party every day. But when KISS busted, I ended up a shallow man wearing make-up and living hand to mouth on Kraft macaroni and cheese and random uppers,” claimed Simmons. “But now that I have this band, I feel like I actually belong somewhere again… It’s almost as if this band was created just for me.”

“Picked up a Sub-Zero costume

from Bankston’s, eh?You did remember our anniversary!”

Bankston’s Cards, Collectable’s and Miscellany

Ph: 254.755.0070 1321 S. Valley Mills

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Waco, TX –The lockers in the main hallway were buzzing with pride today after Waco ISD awarded Hankamer School of Business with an ‘Exemplary High School Award’. “We’re very proud to finally be rewarded for all of our hard work,” said Dean Maness, who claimed that the new lackadaisical approach to testing led to higher test scores, which led to the exemplary rating. “Turns out, if you make the tests easy, the scores go up! I can’t believe that we didn’t think of this sooner.” What really matters, of course, is that the students are thrilled to finally go to a real business school. The award has caused such jubilation that it may even make students forget that they won’t have a job when they graduate. As a reward for their hard work, B-school students are being sent on a field trip to the zoo next Wednesday.

Business School Honored as ExemplaryStill fails TAAS writing section

Freshman Disappointed by Lack of Glossy Paper in Latest RopeHitler Wins Avant Look-

a-Like Contest The crowd exploded at the 153rd annual Gayle Avant Look-a-Like Contest and Key-lime Pie Cook-off Extravaganza when Adolf Hitler, a virtual unknown from Hamburg, won the top prize in both catego-ries.

“The pie was delicious,” claimed Luke Baker, an honor-ary judge. “Oh, and he’s a total dead-ringer for Gayle Avant.

The con-test was established in honor of one of the most famous world figures and Baylor Political Sci-ence cronies. Dr. Avant rose to notoriety after the infamous

Beer-Hall Rebellion in which he conspired to give Howard Dean the Democratic Party Presiden-tial Nomination over a few Big-

O’s at George’s.

Hitler, who came out of no-where to win, spoke about his victory. “This is truly a triumph of the will. I’ve nev-er been able to do anything right in my life. I’ve been struggling for so long to look like Gayle Avant. It’s just nice to get recognition for

something at last.”

Avant was available for comment, but we didn’t really care to hear from him.

Jeffery Jones, an Ama-rillo freshman, showed his disapproval of the latest issue of the Rope earlier this morn-ing when, in a fit of pure and unadulterated rage, he threw the hilarious paper across his room, out the window, and into the flames of a random bonfire that was coincidently being held right next to his classroom.

After contacting them-selves to understand the switch back to tree-based printing mediums, the NoZe Brothers revealed that the glossy Ropes were “just too damn expen-sive.” When revealed exactly how much the last issue cost, Bro. KuntNoZe Kinte ex-claimed “That’s a lot of beer.” It’s approximately 13,227 li-ters of beer to be exact.

Gail Avant, 2nd place

“Oh my God! I just realized that Taco Cabana is not authentic Mexican Food!”

Find out this, and more at

CancunPh: 254.752.0041 1229 N. 18th

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Zoo Trip to be Ruined by

Class Clown

Waco, TX - What was initially planned to be a delightful trip to the zoo in celebration of Hankamer’s recent upgrade to exemplary school status will inevitably became a nightmare once the self-titled “class clown” steps off the bus. In an attempt to relive his glory days in high school, Ali Hedayatifar, business student and total tool, will begin to desperately spout out unfunny one-liners and defecating monkey jokes in an attempt to snare a woman. “I’m really not sur-prised,” says Melissa Humphery. “At first I got my hopes up about the trip, but then I realized that if Ali is going, then it’s bound to be cancelled.” Once the authorities discovered that Hedayatifar and his mindless drivel would be included in the group going to the zoo, the Business school decided to play it safe and have a showing of Disney’s Lion King in Kayser auditorium instead.

In 1852, Millard Fillmore introduced indoor plumbing to the Whitehouse, effectively ridding our

Nation’s presidential mansion of Chamber pots forever.

The Brotherhood announces the 81st annual Millard Fillmore Ball and

Cakewalk Extravaganza!

Get in touch with us!still LOOking for that ultra-rare NOZe apparel?

Or dO you just need someone tO cry tO?

Electronic Mail:NoZe.Brotherhood@gmail.com

TheRopeAdvertising@hotmail.com

Unelectronic Mail:The NoZe Brotherhood

PO Box 612Elm Mott, TX 76640

Phone:254.710.2222

Website:www.theNoZe.org

Scruffy Murphy’s

Drink Responsibly, Always have a designated driver

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On Speight, between 12th and 13th St.

Two Minnie’s Gentlemen’s Club

“I know it’s complicated Dad, Why don’t you just take me to Two Minnie’s and let

them explain it?”

No cover from 4 PM - 7 PM Mon thru Sat

Daily Specials:Sun - Pitchers $6.50Mon - Drafts $1.00

Tue - U Call It $4.00Wed - Longnecks $3.25

Thur - Student Night, no cover from 4 PM - 10 PM. Ladies, Thursday is also

Amateur Night!

AFFIDAVIT The undersigned authority, Dave Robertson, a peace officer for the Department of Public Safety at Baylor University, after being duly sworn upon oath deposes says that he has good reason to believe and does believe that TheNoZeous Monk (name of accused) did commit the offense of Public Intoxication to the most obscene degree and degrada-tion of the American value system against the laws of the State of Texas on 11-12-2005.

Said reason and belief is based upon the following facts and circumstances:At approx. 10:32 pm on 11-12-2005, I, Officer Dave Rob-ertson, received a call concerning a threat to social harmony at the Collin’s Crush being held in Russell Gymnasium. Upon arriving to the scene, I saw the sin-gle most atrocious event my eyes have ever witnessed. In the center of the gym the accused, TheNoZeous Monk, was gyrating his body doing what could only be con-sidered “dancing.” I noticed the subject had become mad under the influence of the devil’s gin and was an immediate threat to all persons in the Greater Waco area. I boldly approached the subject and asked him to leave, but the madman began assailing me with all four (4) appendages. Before he was able to induce fur-ther harm upon the girls, I called for backup and it took three (3) men and a stray dog to secure him and prevent further harm on any of the fine ladies. The next day I was awarded the “Officer of the Week” award by Baylor DPS and my wife said she was very proud of me.

Dear TheNoZeous Monk,

Thank you so much for the wonderful time at Collin’s Crush! I really appreciated the bouquet roses you gave me; it was by far the sweetest pres-ents I’ve ever received! I had such an exceptional time eating at the Northwood Inn, I never knew you were so sweet and full of useless information! If only the rest of the guys at Baylor had a fraction of your astonishing demeanor. And I still can’t believe you risked your life by saving that poor baby that wandered into the middle of the interstate! You are such a brave, handsome young man. All my friends told me they had the greatest time once you showed up to the dance. You were such an amazing dancer! The lecture you gave me and girls about refraining from alcohol really hit home. Thanks to you and the lessons you taught me, I will never drink again. I’m not quite sure what went down with the police officer. All of my friends and I thought that he was a bit out of line. I wasn’t aware that it was still illegal to dance on campus; I thought that had been repealed back in 1995. Regardless, thank you for such an amazing night. You truly changed my life for the better. Love, Jen Russell

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“Well darn it Bill, you were right....this table DOES

come with the apartment!”