THE RIGHT TUNE [jabulani mzinyathi]

A ONE ACT PLAY

In the minister without portfolio’s office. The minister is kneeling in front of the state president’s portrait as if in prayer.

[Scene one ]

Minister: But why father? I haven’t betrayed you. I haven’t been like others that attended secret meetings to dethrone you. I campaigned vigorously for you. Why should you forsake me because people decided to cast more votes for me than for you. Your excellency I will whip them into line.

I’m your loyal son. Surely I deserve better. Baba musandidaro. Ndiri mwana wenyu. Kana ndakatadza ndinokumbira mundiregerere

[song: Baba ndiri mwana wenyu ]

I haven’t been a prodigal son like some who left the revolutionary party and formed zvi party zvezvimbwasungata. Aiwa baba why are you leaving me out in the cold like this. Kuitawo here baba? Is it doing?

Vamwe vakamboita maindependent asi imi makavaregerera. Why shouldn’t I be duly rewarded. I have always sung the right tune. I haven’t been discordant but this is how you reward me. Sure here baba kundiita Minister without portfolio? That isn’t fair at all.

Moda kuti ndiite sei baba to have a more powerful ministerial post ? If only I could be the minister of defence, state security kana local government. People now don’t fear me at all. Kungoita kamunhuwo here baba imi muripo. There must be a reward for loyalty.

Ehe baba am grateful am on board the gravy train. Merc ndinayo. Four by four ndinayo. Yes father I got a farm. Ndicharima hongu but that is not enough. I’m your son father give me a powerful post. Ndinokumbira mundinzwewo.

Regai ndimbotsvaka ma ideas from my personal assistant. She is smart that one. Pamwe she’ll give me ideas to win your heart. I know she will help me. I have always

made sure she is well catered for. I chose her for beauty and brains. That is a rare combination chokwadi. This time her brains must be in overdrive.

[Scene two]

Enter personal assistant

Melody: Sir did I hear well or I was dreaming?

Minister: Unoti sir kunani? How many times do I have to tell you to address me as daddy or sweet heart?

Melody: Handiti kuno kubasa here? When we go out that is when I address you in the manner you want.

Minister : We are alone here. Chitomboswedera then I kiss you. That may relieve me of this stress. Office romance is the thing in vogue these days. I’m engulfed by waves of stress.

Melody: What stress honey?

Minister : So you think it’s a lot of fun to be a minister without portfolio? It is hell on earth. That is why I have called you here. Iweka you are smart up there. Musoro uyo wakatakura njere. Une gonyet renjere. Somehow you can help me work my way into the heart of the president. He holds the key to our future. Maybe with your help I’ll be minister of foreign affairs. What that will mean is business and pleasure trips abroad. That will be life. Iwe neni shopping in Paris, Rome and all the other fashion capitals of the world. Travelling and subsistence claims for you and me.

Melody: Usadaro sweetie kanhi? I know iweka what you promise I get. How many women of my age have the BMW I drive?

Minister : Yah manje manje you are out of that small ‘be my wife’ into your own compressor. Ndinopika nababa vangu varere pachuru. So what ideas do you have that will make the president sit up and notice that I deserve a powerful post not this minister without portfolio crap?

Melody: Please, lower your voice. The walls have ears and eyes. Ukanzwikwa uchitaura so iweka? You’ll be kicked out of the gravy train. That’ll mean my demise too. So be careful. Wakabata upenyu hwavanhu vazhinji ne post yako iyoyi. My father has a

tractor, pick up truck nezvimwe. Thanks to you and this post that you have held over the years.

Minister: Ha Melo just give me ideas then you and your whole clan muchatamba pada nemabiscuits kana kuita fish fish nema sausages

Melody: Iweka and your great sense of humour. Waidai uchitoita drama nana Gringo kana Kapfupi or uya wekuMasvingo anonzi sabhuku Vharazipi. Anyway wadii kuti utaure nevakuru vekumusha kwako. Call the chief and you work on constructing a clinic. The villagers will do it and you only steal the show and name the clinic after the president. You then invite the president to officially open the clinic. That will be music to his ears.

Minister : Ah Melody are you joking? How many clinics are named after the president. There ‘s nothing unique about that mhani darling.

Melody: Saka why not construct a dam, a road or a bridge and name it after his excellency or the first lady or any of his children and then bang you’ll move from obscurity to prominence.

Minister: Ah Melody don’t let me doubt your intelligence manje. I have always held you in high esteem. Nhasi your mind is on leave chete. Chimbondisiya ndifunge. Iwewo go and relax you might then come up with a brilliant idea. I know you are not dull at all.

[Scene three]

The minister without portfolio is in his office with another man. That man is the political commissar

Minister : Commissar I have a problem which is severely stressing me. The whole business is like trying to find a cure for AIDS. Ndanetseka. How do I win his excellency’s favour ? This post of minister without portfolio is a demotion. I have risen before but now my fortunes are waning really. You my friend can help me.

Commissar: How can I help nhai sahwira?

Minister: Ndodii? Maybe I should send you with some lucky charms to state house. Iweka you have easy access. You can easily slip past the guards and drop the stuff somewhere unnoticed. I heard all sorts of charms are picked whenever the President chooses his cabinet ministers.

Commissar: Don’t make me laugh. Ndikabatwa basa rapera. Izvo unoita wega. Wadii kuvaka an orphanage and invite the president after naming it after him.

Minister: Commissar imi munozviziva kuti there are many roads, schools, clinics, hospitals named after his Excellency. Vaneta nazvo. Imi comrade mafanana na Melody pamafungiro. Dai pasina akamboti his excellency is the second and only son of God I would have said so. Pamwe zvaishanda. Ndakanzwa kuti umwe mukuru zvakamufambira chose.

Commissar: Maybe you should suggest that a law be enacted inorambidza vanhu kurota vari mapresident. Nekuti vawandisa vanhu vane zviroto zvekufuma vakagara havo mustate house. Lots of such crazy people in this country forming all sorts of silly political parties. Day dreamers vose zvavo.

Minister: Ha ha ha how will the law be enforced? So there will be a dream police? Usandisetsa sahwira. Are you going crazy?

Commissar: Just joking with you hama. There must a way out of this. Was just joking to brighten your day seeing as it is that you have lots of stress.

Minister: Please, let’s get back to serious business. I must worm my way into his excellency’s heart and get a respectable post not this crap.

Commissar: Iweka uchafarisa you call that crap?

Minister: Sorry kanhi sahwira. Zvauriwe uchanoita makuhwa wondirevera.

Commissar: Iwe takabva tese kure. I will not do that to you. Asi vamwe I spy on them and this will never bother me. Inika munhu akaita zvekutamba anoswera adzingwa pa cabinet reshuffle. I’m powerful ka ini.

Minister: I know. That is why I need your assistance so I rise. Why don’t you simply put in a word for me? Just sing the right tune for me. He will listen to you. You are one of his most trusted lieutenants. Even mafarms you have three good ones. Unoti riya reku Matebeleland South kune mombe dzako. Idzo mombe dziya dzinenge nyati. Une rimwe kuTriangle. Uku unorima nzimbe. KuMasvingo unoita zvesafari.

Commissar: Just putting in a word for you will not work. You must come up with a novel idea.

Minister: Sahwira let us put some serious thinking into this. Kana ukagona coming up with a grand idea I will even let you take over Melody. Ah just joking uya haubati. Ndingakugarisa pahot plate.

Commissar: Ndingaidii brand new second hand yako ini? I have kamwana kaschool fees kari pa college mutown umu. Saka keep your Melody. I will just help you then you pay by giving my home boys mabasa in your ministry yaunenge wapiwa. Am leaving. I will give a serious thought to your request dear friend.

Minister: Let me escort you. I want to check on Melody. I’m addicted to that woman. She has all I need. She has the beauty and brains. Maybe she has stumbled upon an idea by now. I hope she does not suggest that we go to the reserve bank governor and request that we put the image yaPresident pa the new Zimbabwe dollar.

[Scene four]

The minister walks into his office followed by Melody

Minister: So what is the idea sweet heart?

Melody: Iyi nyaya yanetsa. Where is the romantic you who usually kisses me? My usually love hungry man is not the same any more.

Minister: Sorry sweetie this stress is driving me mad. There will be lots of kisses and more for you once we strike a rich vein of gold. We need to be on board the gravy train.

Melody: I have the idea but will not tell you until you tell me what you will do for me.

Minister: Melody I will do anything that you ask me to do for you

Melody: What exactly do you promise me? I have a grand idea.

Minister: I told you that you will be on shopping trips to Harrods and all the other places you want to go. No more flights to Dubai for the rubbish you are now bringing from that place. No more going to China for the junk you now bring. Zvakare kumhuri kwenyu hakufi kwakaita rovha . Chero vasina kudzidza tinovagadzirira matranscript. I’m connected at lots of universities. Degree rinobikwa rikaibva pakarepo.

Melody: Ummmm that sounds great my love. What else do you promise?

Minister: Asi chii nhai Melo? Do you want me to go down on my knees? Okay I will go down on my knees

[Minister goes down on his knees]

Melo : Ah sorry darling. Here is the idea. Stand my man. There is no need for all this. I love you.

[Minister slowly rising ]

Have you noticed that even burial societies even have presidents? Associations have presidents? Workers unions have presidents?

Minister: Yes Melo what is the point my love?

Melody: Come on man. Can’t you see there is obviously a problem. Anyone now wants to be addressed as president. Like I said even leaders of burial societies. I also read the other day about the president of the Magistrates association. I have heard of the president of the farmers union. That has now gone too far. At universities we hear of the presidents of the students union. Churches also have the president of the Council of Churches. As if that is not enough there is the president of the council of chiefs.

Minister: Yes you are smart woman. I get the point. Too many presidents indeed. That confuses us mhani. There should be only one president. The others can address themselves as chairpersons. Darling that should work. No one else should be addressed as president. There must be a way that this idea can come see the light of day.

Melody: So what is the way forward? The idea is born. So it is up to you to take it up.

Minister: Now I can run it past the political commissar. This is a novel idea. If the other one about his excellency being the second and only son of God could work wonders what about this one? Woman this one is a bolt of an idea. The promises I made will be fulfilled. We are in it together. I have never let you down. I never will.

Melody: Is that so? Handizobatiswi pasi here? Unenge waona umwe akanaka.

Minister: Not at all. I meet beautiful women everyday but iwe you beat them all hands down. I have not found reason to leave you. Now that this idea will bring me a ministerial post we are going to have lots of fun. Ndinotokuroora secretly of course. After all mudhara wako already knows I’m his son-in-law. He knows I care. So let’s go meet the political commissar. No more zvimapresidents kose kose. We have only one who deserves that title.

Melody: You did not go wrong when you said I have beauty and brains. Now you can kiss me. There is no more stress.

[They kiss as they leave the office]