As I imagine is the case for most of us, October seems the perfect month to watch “scary” movies, given the ghastly themes that surround the season. But it has become more difficult to find truly great horror experiences in modern films. Allow me to elaborate further: Modern horror filmmaking has developed an unhealthy obsession with a few distinct aspects, each of which have become so stale that the state of horror has reached a point of extreme annoyance. These include found-footage style filming, a contempt for the unknown, and, most unholy of all, the false jumpscare. Each of these things were once acceptable, but have become so overused that it is no longer interesting or frightening in the slightest. There are great examples of these aspects: Paranormal Activity 2, and the original Saw and Insidious films are perfect instances of each of the aforementioned tropes respectively. But each of these

films used those traits in way that enhanced the story rather than trying to illicit cheap scares. PA2 used its found-footage to build suspense with long, static takes and slow builds, Saw utilized gore and torture to explain the motivations of the antagonist, and the jumpscares in Insidious were coupled with things that were actually meant to be frightening, not cheap jolts coming from a dumb kid jumping from behind a corner (Ouija). If you’re at all like me, you’re probably sick of the garbage that has been smeared across the silver screen the last few years, films utilizing once-strong qualities and senselessly beating the viewer over the head with them until it becomes unwatchable; dregs like Annabelle, The Gallows, and The Devil’s Due. But what if I told you that there was a low-budget horror film that abandoned any and all senseless horror stereotypes in favor of artful, intelligent, and suspenseful filmmaking,

reminiscent of the early works of John Carpenter, Ridley Scott and Wes Craven? Such a movie does exist, and it is the perfect film to watch this Halloween. The film goes by the name It Follows, and there hasn’t been a more clever subversion of the horror genre since the hilarity of Cabin in the Woods. Without spoiling too much about the plot, It Follows acknowledges the inherent cheesiness of classic 70s and 80s horror, complete with the dull color palette and synth-based soundtrack, and builds an original premise based around the teenage idiocy so prevalent in traditional slashers. This may mean that this movie will not resonate with some, as instead of relying on gore or false scares (things I despise openly, but are popular amongst most horror audiences), the film builds suspense by creating an invisible entity that stalks the main character Jay, mindlessly and relentlessly throughout the entire run time, unnerving both the main characters, as well as the viewer. “It,” as it is referred to in the film, is present in nearly every shot of the film, inching ever closer into focus as the long takes drag further on. It’s a very slow

build, but one that isn’t without thought or payoff. It can disguise itself as anyone or anything, constantly leaving the audience guessing as to where it might be present. It can even be someone its target is personally close to, just to cause psychological damage to the victims. Speaking of victims, the main characters aren’t idiots, either, despite the temptation to have the teenage protagonists be mindless death-fodder for the villainous presence. They are as intelligent and calculating as any normal human, factoring in the entity’s movements into any and all planning. Each member of the main cast is likable and charming, acted fantastically by a small cast of remarkably talented unknowns, making it all the more tense when they are in imminent danger. This film counters any and all skepticism surrounding the capability for strong modern horror movies. It avoids over-complication of plot and chooses a simple, but ingenious storyline that invades the viewer’s eyes and psyche. This is a truly remarkable suspense thriller, worthy of annual Halloween viewings, given that it doesn’t scar you too much the first time.

It Follows, Movie ReviewIs This the Savior of Horror Film-Making?Patrick Shanahan ‘17, IMDB Guest Movie Critic

Opinion

Have you ever wet yourself in a public place? Have you ever screamed like a twelve-year-old little girl? No? Then you haven’t been to the zoo…or a haunted house. There are three great haunted houses right here in Missouri that you can visit: CreepyWorld, The Darkness, and The Abyss. Not sure which one to go to? Let me help.

CreepyWorld Located way the heck out in Fenton, it’s not a haunted house so much as a park with some weird dudes in dirty rags roaming around. Even the name isn’t that scary: “CreepyWorld.” Uncreative. It’s 13 different haunted attractions in one location

made to put you on edge, overflow your level of attainable fear, and empty your bladder…if you’re scared of the great outdoors and scarecrows. 5/10

The Darkness Within a reasonable driving distance, this is what you imagine when someone says “Let’s go to a haunted house!” It has your typical inflatable scary clown in front and a plethora of movie quality special effects inside with some actors sprinkled around for good taste. The only thing it lacks is the ability to cause true pants-wetting fear among its customers. Sure you’ll get a good startling on your way through, but nothing that’ll make you stay

up until 3 in the morning holding your blankie sucking your thumb and crying for your mom. 7/10

The Abyss Just down the street from the Darkness and 5 stories underground awaits a true haunted house to give you that overdose of fear that everyone craves during the Halloween season. The scaring starts as soon as you get to the line. Once in the actual haunt, there are vast quantities of monsters on the prowl looking and waiting for you. If you survive your hour long arduous journey through the abyss, you’ll emerge with eyes full of tears, asking for a new pair of pants and your childhood teddy bear. /10

Don’t miss out on your opportunity to have the best scare of your life this Halloween and go

to visit The Abyss, if you haven’t already. It’s open this Friday and Saturday from 7 p.m.-midnight and this Sunday from 7-9:30pm. I hope to see you all there this weekend. As we love to say down in the abyss, underground: no one can hear you scream!

Disclosure: Winston is a current employee of The Abyss.

Haunted House ReviewAn Insider’s Guide on Paying to be ScaredWinston Senor II ‘16, Professional People Scarer

SCOOBY-DOO WIKIA/WARNER BROTHERS

Above, an example (for the deprived) of a spooky-scary ghost.

2

Entertainment

This Week In Photos Sports Achievements Sweep the Instagram SceneGood Luck to the Teams Continuing in Playoffs

@COLCROGHAN@STLPRIORYSCHOOL@PRIORYSOCCER

Halloween Costume ContestThese six pictures are your final contestants for the Halloween Contest. The prize is a week of free dress down! A survey has been sent to your Priory email accounts with these six contestants listed. The winner will be announced at Monday's assembly. You can only vote one time, so make it count!

7th GraderDavid Mohrmann - Sumo

8th GraderWill HattrichPJ Batman

FreshmanHarry LumisHotdog

SophomoreThomas MillerEntrepreneur

JuniorPeter Hopkins Jr. - Patrick Star

SeniorWill Dohr - Dwight SCHrute

3

Opinion

You just got home from seven hours of hand-numbing note taking and two hours of grappling with a sweaty Mr. Rowles. You’re tired. You’re hungry. And you’re staring at a stack of books that seems to be giving you a toothy grin as if to say, “Come get some, buddy.” You eat your food and change shirts instead of showering, because you’re scared of the possibility of passing out in the shower due to pure exhaustion and drowning. You’ve built up just enough energy to solve that impossible algorithm lurking in the depths of your unorganized backpack. Time to sleep. “Finally,” you sigh as you slide your limp body under the bed sheets… but wait, you just remembered you haven’t read the Mock Trial case. This is the third day in a row you haven’t had time to read it, and the meeting is tomorrow. Suddenly your job as a top lawyer seems to be

endangered by the kids that suck down black coffee like it’s air. Oh no the walls are begin to crumble, falling in on themselves, and your cool, ‘I just did everything I needed to do’ demeanor slips away. If only you could take those two hours of rolling around on mats back for an extracurricular activity you actually wanted to put effort into. Andrew Rund, don’t kill me for slightly slandering the ‘three sports in three terms’ requirement. I am not calling for the abolishment of sports altogether, but I am questioning the necessity for ‘all sports all the time’ after schoolwork. Of course there are alternatives to sports if that’s not your fancy. You could easily choose to be a part of the play if you’re not inclined to “run” track. Or of course you could take advantage of the biggest loophole in Priory history: the unnecessary position of manager. But maybe, just maybe, you want to venture

past the world of sports and past the world of theater. Maybe you want to commit yourself to the Mock Trial team or the Robotics team. Unfortunately, you can’t give your all to either one of these activities, because drooping eyelids seem to be getting in the way of you putting the right part on a robot. Now all of the sudden your robot is setting things on fire instead of shooting frisbees. My proposal to the administrative powers that be is, at least in the high school, to take emphasis off

sports and put it on extracurriculars as a whole. This includes sports, robotics, film making, mock trial, theater, baking, knitting, racing, or anything else that a student has a passion for. I propose that we allow students to choose a sport or club or something else every term instead of only giving them the option of cross

country and P.E.. This would be a great service to Priory. Not only to us, the students, but to the whole Priory experience. This policy would increase the overall happiness of students, and would subsequently make the school’s job easier. It would bring stress down tremendously. Being here for six years, I know less stress is something I wish I would’ve had. Allowing students to focus on one thing they really enjoy instead of a lot of things they half-enjoy would improve our school as a whole. If the students who are in Mock Trial had the ability to practice for the case instead of playing a sport, the quality of the Mock Trial team would increase tremendously. The same thing would happen with sports, because the ones that want to play sports are inclined to try harder than those who don’t. If every sport only had the students that really wanted to play, we would succeed much more. I will leave you with this: “Do we really need 100 cross country runners when 80 of those want to do something else?”

The Sports Requirement:A Necessary evil?Chris Schafale ‘16, Artist & Visionary

Allowing students to focus on one thing they really enjoy instead of a lot of things they half-enjoy would improve our school as a whole.

News

Paul Ryan named Speaker The long search for a Speaker of the House is over. Paul Ryan accepted the position yesterday. Ryan replaces John Boehner, who stepped down after multiple attempts by House Republicans to unseat him. “We are wiping the slate clean,” Ryan stated.

Election Coverage The third GOP debate ended with no clear winner. The field has narrowed slightly on both sides however, with Rick Perry, Lincoln Chafee, and Jim Webb dropping out of the race. Clinton remains on top in Democratic polls, and on the Republican side Trump leads Carson by a few percentage points in most surveys.

One Child Policy China ended its decades long “One Child Policy” yesterday, surprising officials and Chinese citizens alike. The policy was touted as an accomplishment of the Communist Party after it was first enacted, but its enforcement saw an increase in abortion and even infanticide. Many rural Chinese saw boys as more valuable than girls, and as a result the nation has a skewed sex ratio. Chinese couples are now allowed two children.

Priory News The fall term exams are Nov. 10-12th. The Open House is November 15th. Seniors’ Prospectuses are due Nov. 3rd. Canned food drives in the Junior school start soon, and High school advisories are encouraged to participate.

This Week’s News Blurb brought to you by the pen of: Tripp Miller ‘16, EditorSTEPHEN CROWLEY/THE NEW YORK TIMES JIM WILSON/THE NEW YORK TIMES ADAM DEAN/ THE NEW YORK TIMES

Interested in volunteering at the Priory open house? Contact the Admissions Office, or find Fr. John. You can help form the event that defines Priory to prospective students.

Priory Open House: Sunday, November 15th

4

Sports

Priory football has continued its winning ways this past week. The team went down to Sullivan on Friday and sent a message to the rest of the district with a 48-14 win over Sullivan. Holden Wilmsen went off with 170 yards and 3 touchdowns,

Colin Croghan broke the school’s solo tackle record with 105 solo tackles previously held by George Jochens, and Tony Krause capped the night off with his first touchdown. Andrew Rund ran wild against Sullivan with 156 yards and a touchdown. He

also threw for 286 yards and 4 touchdowns; this performance earned him a segment on KSDK on Tuesday night. This week, the team takes on Westminster, at Westminster, at 1 p.m. on Saturday. After a tough loss in soccer against them this Tuesday, the Rebels are fired up to fight for their brothers in arms. The stage is set. Westminster Spirit Club has confirmed a Halloween theme for the game. Priory has too. Wear

your costumes, come hungry because they serve Chick-fil-A, and be ready to cheer on the team that is motivated to make history. Winning state has been a dream for the seniors for a long time and this Saturday the team looks to move one step closer to achieving it. All of you need to come out, the team need you, so get ready to help Priory football and make some noise this Saturday.

Football Blitzes into PlayoffsA Priory Football UpdateChris White ‘16, Team Reciever & Locker Room Rap Star

Metro League Champs!A Priory Cross-Country UpdateJake Drysdale ‘16, Team Captain & Exclamation Point Enthusiast

For the 3rd straight year, Priory Varsity XC finished strong to win the Metro League Championship and JV also won Metro for the 20th year in a row. Varsity surged to seize victory from Westminster in a come from behind battle. Four Priory Varsity runners earned First All-League honors as top 7 finishers: Jake Drysdale took 2nd in 17:10, Thomas Lowell was 3rd also in 17:10, Luke Lissner followed in 6th at 17:31, and George O’Sullivan finished 7th in 17:53. Two more Varsity runners were

able to earn Second All-League honors as top 14 finishers: Alex Lowell took 8th in 17:54 and Drew Sewall was 14th in 18:27. Kyle Flores rounded out the Varsity runners, placing 17th in 18:40. As a team, Priory bested a very talented Westminster squad by a close 8 points (26 to 34) with strong individual finishes to win the Metro League Championship. Priory JV also ran a great race: 8 of the top 10 places, 13 of the top 15 spots, and 15 of the top 20. Andrew Latuda won the JV race and the rest of the top seven—Anthony O’Sullivan,

Greg Rowles, Jacob Conard, Robbie Frei, Will Steger and Chris Hedlesky—all ran well to break 20:00 and take the Metro Championship home for the 20th year in a row. With the District and State Championships up next, Priory XC is all in with true grit!

MR. DRYSDALE

The varsity team and coaches, above, after their big win last friday at the Metro League meet at Principia.

The Varsity soccer season came to a heart-wrenching end this Tuesday. Rather than dwell on what happened on that miserable rainy night, we should commemorate the high points of an unforgettable season. There were many great moments during the year, and being injured for the first third of the season, it became harder to watch nail biting games go into PK’s. It’s a good thing we had Drew Sewall and Andrew “ball catcher” Stange in the goal to make game winning saves (Duchesne and Parkway Central). Hal Lindmark hit the crossbar twice and the post once against Affton, finishing the game without a goal, and establishing

himself as the best misser on the team. In addition, Chuck and Tate were able to remain completely clueless of what occurred at all times during practice, and it still concerns me. To this day my favorite moment would have to be defeating Burroughs for our last home game of the season. I know this may seem like the “cliche” high school moment in that beating a higher ranked team is always exciting. But it was not just the win that was exhilarating, it was the fans yelling from the sidelines, and the rush from taking the lead with 7 minutes left in the game. My final game in a Rebels’ uniform on our home turf could

not have turned out any better. These are just a few of the many memorable moments this team has had together. I have never played with a better group of guys before in my soccer career and I am thankful to have been able to become close to each and every one them.

Soccer Season Comes to a CloseA Priory Soccer UpdateWill Dohr ‘16, Team Captain & Teen Heartthrob

VARSITY VIEWS

The varsity soccer team, above, huddled together before their last game of their season.

5

‘GRAM OF THE WEEKThis week’s best Instagram goes out to Winston Senor (@wsenor2). He wasn’t just acting in the football homecoming video, he truly is the master of Instagram. He is working as an acttor at the Lemp Brewery Haunted House. His filter-usage here is incredible. Cheers Winston.

Across1. Quoth the raven4. Tastes nothing like corn7. The friendly ghost10. The color of pumpkins12. Witches ride these around16. Something ghosts say17. You’ve read more of these books that aren’t actually scary than you’re willing to admit.18. The product of hours of work digging out seeds and goop and then carving out an intricate design cutting and then burning your hand in the process only to have a squirrel eat it destroying the thing your spent half your day slaving over. No this didn’t happen to me. Okay maybe it did. But I’m over it. Mostly. Sort of.

22. An essential part of running around begging for candy23. Pumpkin ___ Latte24. Known to howl at full moons26. Residence of the deceased29. The only Count worth the title31. All one of these wants is a brain32. Meow33. Comes in an “itsy-bitsy” variety34. Known to fly around on broomsticks36. A Jim Carrey movie37. Most houses in ghost stories

Down2. Rest in Pepperonis3. Run around begging for free candy4. This holiday is not Halloween5. The antithesis of a daydream6. “Double double toil and trouble; / Fire burn and ___ bubble,”8. Creepy and kooky9. The Walking Dead10. The color of oranges11. The color of the rainbow between red and yellow13. Something most halloween costumes lack14. A month relevant to Halloween15. Carries a scythe and brings death with him19. You have a spooky scary one inside you20. Spiders make these, surprisingly unrelated to corn21. Wrapped in toilet paper25. This holiday is Halloween27. A noble, batty, and blood-thirsty figure28. A month not relevant to Halloween29. Sweet30. Ghost stories can be this35. Winged carrier of the rabies virus

Spoooooooky Crossword

This week’s Priory-doppelgänger is Patrick Charles and Prince Harry of Wales.

Who’s who? That’s up to you.

Joke of the Week

What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.

Ha.

6

Father Augustine is always on the look out for any social gatherings at Priory where he might have a chance to introduce staff and students to the game of Skulls and Femurs. People hear the name of this game and wonder: What is it? Why is it called Skulls and Femurs? Who thought of a game like this? Skulls and Femurs is also known by other names, such as Viking chess or Kubb. The rules of Skulls and Femurs are fairly simple. The aim of the game is to knock over the king after knocking over your opponents’ skulls. However, if you knock the king over before all your opponents’ skulls have fallen then you automatically lose. It is similar to chess in terms of the importance of the king over all the other pieces. The game is played on a 5 x 8 meter area of grass. Two markers are placed to

create a halfway mark and each team has five skills evenly

placed on the base line. The king is placed in the very center of the field. I have been researching Kubb for a little while now and have found that its origins have traced from Scandinavia and that the game is thousands of years old. As a matter of fact, Vikings actually did use skull and thigh bones of the victims of their raids but then as Christianity swept over the area it was deemed no longer politically correct use human remains for pieces for a Viking lawn game. Since they could no longer use human bones they made pieces out of wood blocks. This game may not widely known beyond the Priory community, however there is a national Kubb Championship. Kubb is a great family and friend game that has been brought to St. Louis Priory School

by Father Augustine Wetta who currently is selling a Kubb set in the Priory bookstore.

On October 19th, a wondrous sight was uncovered in Chiapas, Mexico. In the middle of the Nezahualcoyotl Reservoir, the Temple of Santiago stood, visible in all of its glory. The reason for all the news and clamor about the Temple of Santiago is that

the temple is usually s u b m e r g e d under around 100 feet of

water. The Temple of Santiago, also known as the Temple of Quechula, is an abandoned 16th century Roman Catholic Church that was has interesting roots: it was founded by the Dominican friar and social

reformer Bartholomé de las Casas as a monastery. The temple was then abandoned due to a plague that lasted from 1773-1776. The temple was submerged due to a man-made dam, filling the reservoir with water. The dam is called the Malpaso Dam, constructed in 1966. Since 1966, the temple has reemerged several times when water levels have dropped significantly, allowing

the temple to be partially or fully seen. The first time the temple surfaced was in 2002; October 2015 marks the second time of the temple’s emersion out of the reservoir. As of October 19th, the temple was quite visible, because the water levels of the Grijalva River, the river that feeds the Nezahualcoyotl Reservoir, have dropped over 80 feet due to drought.

Skulls and FemursThommy Messmer ‘20, Junior-Staff Writer

Odds & Ends

Below, a Skulls and Femurs Visual Guide.

The Temple Of SantiagoTejas Sekhar ‘17, Resident Historian

Point Guard: Br. Dunstan would be my starting point guard because he dishes out cupcakes like it's no one's business. He's a team leader in the kitchen and on the basketball court. Br. Athanasius is a risk to put in your starting lineup because he's playing overseas. You could also start Fr. Cuthbert, whose starting his rookie season as a priest and who will make a big impact this year. Shooting Guard: I would start Fr. Augustine because

he gets a lot of playing time with his homilies on Wednesday. He gets the most minutes out of all the monks. His homilies are very good and can help him get a lot of buckets down the line. Small Forward: I'm starting Father John because he's very young, but he has a lot of potential. He is a rookie, but he needs to break through that ceiling to become the best of the best. Fr. John is an all-around player. He's got a 40 inch vertical and he shot 80% when he was a brother, but

now he's in the big leagues. It will be entertaining to see how he'll develop. Power Forward: Fr.Paul is very powerful. He doesn't give very many homilies, but when he does they are very powerful. He can get a lot of offensive rebounds. If you give him the ball he will do big things for you. Center: This would be Fr. Gregory because he is the headmaster. He is the center of Priory. You can just feed hum the ball in the post and he'll just dominate. He's very consistent and plays very good defense. He leads the league in blocks,

rebounds, and assists. He's the best all-around player.

Disclaimer: These opinions belong exclusively to the author. The Record is not responsible for your March Madness bracket flopping based on this publication.

How to Draft a Monastic Basketball TeamConnor Hanzlik ‘19, Senior Basketball Expert

7

8

Did you see the great news this morning, Glory, about the world’s largest desalination plant that is close to completion in Raz al Khaimah, near Dubay?’ ‘No I must have missed that when I was scanning my Wall Street Journal over my doughnut. What’s it all mean?’ asked Gloria knowing that Flunk must have another global scheme up his sleeve. ‘I think it means that the perfect time has come for us to recruit Pope Francis to call a world Congress to organize a global effort to re claim the Sahara with water from the Mediterranean.’ ‘Ok, Flunk, clarify for Glory a wee bit if you wouldn’t mind.’ ‘Well it’s almost a repeat of our Cairo conference some ten years ago but with the new technology now out there at Raz Al Khaimar for all to see, it becomes even more attractive as a plan.’. ‘Namely?’ questioned Gloria. ‘Namely, selecting 15 nations with plenty of money to invest. Dividing the territory

between Marakesh and Cairo into fifteen units. Bringing a committee of five nations together and, with consensus, allotting the territories to the fifteen nations in a way that is agreeable to all.’ ‘Sounds very naive and optimistic to me, Flunk! When are you going to wake up to the REAL world?’ ‘Pope Francis IS waking us up to a new kind of real world ,Glory!’ ‘OK what happens then.’ retorts Glory, not wanting to dampen the flying monk’s enthusiasm too much. ‘Then we embark on the 15 year plan. Taking the Raz Al Khaimar plant as our ‘template’, each country builds a similar plant on the Mediterranean coast allotted to it. Then an underground pipeline is created to take the newly desalinated fresh water to an underground reservoir constructed some fifty to seventy five miles inland.This reservoir will then be enabled to provide an ongoing water supply to the people of the area who will thus be enabled to plant and

harvest whatever crops the region is most in need of to sustain their population and ward off famine for the whole region.’ ‘Sounds amazing,Flunk, but there will be too much hostility for it to fly.’ ‘This is where Pope Francis comes in. He is leading the world to see that there ARE better ways that we could use for EVERYBODY’s benefit if we will only give them a chance. We don’t need to go to Mars to sort out our planet’s woes! We’ve got the technology to do it here if we only give ourselves the chance to use it! Remember what happened in Ireland! Start talking and planning. Get the economy moving. Get a vision and people will see they don’t need to throw bombs to get something done!’’OK monk, when shall we start? ‘How about now!’ said Flunk.

One Month Later:

‘Pope Francis has agreed to chair the conference

on Sahara.’ said Flunk as he and Gloria were settling down to their coffee and chocolate chips at Panera a week after the launching of the reclaiming Sahara plan. ‘The question now is which 15 countries should we invite?’ ‘Well,’ said Gloria ‘I’ll take a stab at this one to get us launched. How about. Germany, USA, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Libya, Tunisia, Morocco, Algeria, France, China, Ethiopia, Sudan, Kuwait, Iran and Syria?’. ‘Wow! Glory, you sure are optimistic!’ said Flunk. ‘Gotta be,Monk! No point in half doing things. If we’re gonna be bold, be bold!’ retorted Gloria with her usual spunk. ‘Well, I’ll count on you to get the invitations sent out and please ask Pope Francis if we could meet in Rome in one of those hotels that have wedding receptions. So that it’s low key but plenty of space.’. ‘Will do,’ said Glory as they finished their coffee and went their several ways.

Flunk. & Gloria & Pope FrancisSAHARA PROJECT Pt. 1Fr. Ralph

Odds & Ends

Junior School The Junior School has been getting a small experience of democracy in action. Both the seventh and eighth grade recently elected its STUCO representatives, with one representative being elected per advisory. At the end of September the eighth grade elected Ian Crossey, Luke Kraemer, Dominic Kraus, and Brennan Spellman to represent them. The seventh grade does not elect its representatives until mid-October, after its retreat to Camp Ondessonk. The newest members of the school cast their votes for Sami Haddad, Brogan Trout, Andrew Lloyd and Bernie Kilcullen.

9

Without a doubt the Halloween season is the worst of all time. Who wants to get scared, poop themselves and then have to hide in the bathroom, while calling their mothers to pick them up? I’m sorry, but people that sign up to be in haunted houses have the sickest sense of humor. “Ya my name is Joe-Bob, and I like to put on a mask and make people poop themselves, and coincidentally call their parents to pick them up.” Classic Joe-Bob.As one of the kids growing up

that was called a Hallowiener, I have lots of sympathy for the fact that you grew up in

constant fear of the October season. It is impeccably important however to understand how to indoctrinate people, yet at the same time deceive them with your eloquent façade of big words. Yes, you must assault them with large words, that means longer than four letters. You should be able to do that with your Priory edjumicashen (it’s funny because it’s a cheesy Br. Mark joke that

got old on your second class in 8th grade). These verbal volleys should confuse your bonehead friend, and you will be able to slip away. If the verbal technique

doesn’t work I suggest using the truth. This may sound odd, because when is it ever right to tell the truth (admit it some of you have even lied to a priest in confession, because

you figured you and God were all squared

away on that iffy subject). But in all seriousness, tell them that you pee your pants at scary movies, and they will think you are joking. And we all know it’s

great to be the funny guy. I’m sure the adrenaline junkies are not reading my article carefully like yourselves in the back of class, because they are probably “Going to the Bathroom”, so I felt it was safe to put that little warning in the article. Stay safe this Halloween lads, and to all you teachers with kids, try not to run into us while we are trick or treating. First of all it’s awkward to see your teacher outside of school, and secondly it’s hard to explain why you’re trick or treating in the tenth grade.Until next Friday Priory, I will probably be preparing study guides for my exams.

SIKEEEEEEEEEE

Halloween is

the WorstSanta, Non-Halloween Enthusiast

Halloweenies

5. Zombies: Originating from the voodoo religion of Haiti, Zombies have been represented in several horror classics. The idea of a person eating you alive is a classic one that has been inspiring movies for over half of a century. Why are zombies only #5 on the list? The thing about zombies is that they are becoming less and less scary. Zombie shows and movies are becoming popular because people want the zombie apocalypse to happen. People take “zombified” pictures of themselves and have their own elaborate plans for when the zombie apocalypse happens. I can’t blame these people, after all, you don’t have to worry about homework or taxes during the zombie apocalypse. 4. Werewolves: Ordinary people until the full moon, these supernatural shape-shifters

have appeared in nearly every culture going back all the way to ancient Greece. In medieval times, they were typically blamed for unexplainable murders. What’s especially scary about werewolves is that many times a person doesn’t even know he’s a werewolf. So you could be a werewolf and not even know it.... What brings werewolves down to #4? Half of it is due to the scariness of the other monsters the other half is due to werewolves being in Twilight. 3. Vampires: They vant to suck your blood and have since the 18th century. The blood- sucking, garlic-fearing vampires that we usually think of originated from myths in Eastern Europe. Like werewolves and zombies, vampires can change normal people into vampires by biting them. Unlike zombies, however,

vampires take you unawares while you’re sleeping. Vampires are also technically dead, as well as blood suckers, so they can add the cannibalistic undead aspect to their scariness. Two critical things keep vampires from being higher on the list. 1. They haven’t been around as long as the next two monsters and 2. Twilight. 2. Ghosts: Ghosts are timeless monsters that have influenced cultures all over the world for millennia. Ghosts are so universal that they have found their way into several great literary works written by men such as Homer, Shakespeare, and Mark Twain. In a recent survey conducted by the Huffington Post, 45% of those surveyed said that they believed in ghosts or spirits of the dead coming back. Though vampires and werewolves have been around for a while, the ghost

is a part of horror culture that will never be forgotten. It was really hard to decide whether to put ghosts at the #1 spot or #2 spot, but one monster truly beats out ghosts for the #1 spot. 1. Demons: These supernatural servants of Satan are as eternal as evil itself. Demons have ancient origins in human culture and appear in folklore and literature across the world. The scariest thing about demons is that many major religions, including our own, believe they exist. Demons are found in Christianity, Judaism, and even Islam. There are many real cases of exorcisms to be found, including one that took place here in Saint Louis. And when you take into account movies like The Exorcist, there is no doubt that demons are the scariest monsters ever.

The Scariest Monsters EverMr. Demon

10

I would like to thank everyone for appreciating and encouraging Priory’s

commitment to environmental sustainability, especially its efforts to reduce unnecessary waste by not stocking the bathrooms with paper towels. I would also like to thank you for the enthusiasm that the sheeple student body has for the illusions of hand dryers, the promise of dry, clean hands they tempt you with, all the while, crossing their fingers behind their antiquated and graffitied facades. The cleanliness of your work and study environment may seem important to you, but I beg you to look at the bigger picture. Your hygiene and the general sanitary standards of our school should without a doubt come second to environmental impact of the paper towel usage of our institution. The deforestation of expansive regions of the Amazon rain forest because of our school alone is wholly unacceptable. By ceasing usage of paper towels, we’ve looked at the bigger picture; we are literally saving lives because we are putting global priorities ahead of conspiracy that propagates certain ideas about illness and cleanliness(“Germ Theory” is after all, only a theory.) Some might say that washing your hands saves lives, but I am telling

you that not wasting paper towels saves trees. Would you rather save trees from being chopped down by corporate pigs or save humans which people seem to be killing anyway? Having wet hands, or even unwashed hands, to some might seem like a large

price to pay for just chopping down a few truffula trees, but I am glad that Priory students understand that sanitation is a small cost to saving our planet. I am proud to say that our school’s efforts go beyond the problem of paper towels too. At Priory, we don’t just resolve the problem by removing paper towels, but also by replacing them in a similarly conscious way. We have purchased the most economical, low-power hand dryers to conserve as much energy as possible in the process of saving trees. If we were to buy hand dryers that exerted enough force and to actually dry your hands in a period of time less than two minutes much less fifteen seconds, they would either be too loud (e.x. Xlerator Hand Dryers) and disturb, for example the otherwise serene setting of the

library, or too progressive, (e.x.. Dyson Airblade) unnecessarily challenging the notions of right and wrong held by some members of our community. By using low-cost, low-impact (on achieving dry hands and good hygiene) hand dryers we are able to make a very real effort to cut down on waste. I, Patrick Charles, being by far the leading advocate for environmental sustainability at our school, am proud to be able to thank you for your continuous support and consideration in regards to our vision.

Mr. Charles, pictured above in solemn contemplation, frequently visits hand dryers as well as storage closets containing anachronistic paper towels to meditate over the bigger picture.

Saving Trees and WaterPriory’s War on Washroom WastePatrick Charles ‘16, Advocate for Community Improvement with contributions from Ian McClellan ‘16

We are literally saving lives because we are putting global priorities ahead of conspiracy.

IAN MCCLELLAN

Opinion

#1 Halloween Watching this movie is by far the best way to get into the spirit of Halloween. It has plenty of creepy scenes, but the best part about this movie is that you can watch it and still laugh at some of the more ridiculous parts that make no sense.

#2 Evil Dead II Like Halloween, this

movie isn’t something you have to take seriously to enjoy; Evil Dead II seems aware that it’s premise is over the top. As a matter of fact, anyone who watches this will likely have a great time with all the B-movie effects.

#3 Beetlejuice This movie is one of the best that Tim Burton has to offer. It blends a mix of creepy

and funny, with Michael Keaton giving a great performance as the ghost. This movie gives the viewer everything great about the early Tim Burton films. From the set pieces to the characters, the entire movie is like a fantastic haunted-house ride.

#4 Cabin in the Woods This film takes the entire idea behind a horror movie and flips it on its head, taking almost every cliché and compiling them all into one movie. What starts off as a routine horror movie turns into one of the most suprisingly

original and funny movies of the genre yet.Best Movies to Watch On Halloween

A Guide for Those Unable to Run Around and Beg for CandyPeter Hopkins ‘17, Aspiring Buzzfeed Writer

VIA LYZLENS.COM

A spooky hand pressed up against a spooky window in a spooky room. Spooky.

11

VOLUME 46ISSUE No. 5

OCTOBER 30th, 2015

EditorsRamzi Haddad ’16

Tripp Miller ’16George Ahlering ’16

Layout EditorIan McClellan ’16

Faculty ModeratorMr. Woodcock

Contact:theprioryrecord@gmail.com

314-434-3690 ext. 221

The Record DisclaimerThe Record is the offi-cial student publication of Saint Louis Priory School in St. Louis, Missouri. It is produced by students/staff members. Its purpose is to inform students of events in the community; to en-courage discussion of local, national, and international issues; and to serve as a training ground for budding journalists, photographers, and graphic designers. The Record accepts contribu-tions from all members of the Priory community, including students, faculty, and alumni.The Record will not publish content con-sidered legally-unprotected speech, including but not limited to: libel, copyright infringement, unwarrant-ed invasion of privacy, or material disruption of the educational process. Stu-dent editors apply pro-fessional standards to the production of the news-paper and are solely re-sponsible for all content, both explicit and implicit. Letters to the Editors are always appreciated. Feed-back not intended for pub-lication is also welcome.

The Halloween Playlist1 Time Warp 2 Ghostbusters

3 Thriller 4 She Wolf

5 The Addams Family

6 I want Candy

8 Monster Mash

7 Rock Lobster

9 Black Magic Woman

10 Super Freak

The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Ray Parker Jr.

Michael Jackson Shakira

The Addams FamilyThe Strangeloves

Bobby PickettB-52’s

Santana

Rick James

12