THE PROSPECTORCUPERTINO HIGH SCHOOL’S

NOW A SUBSIDIARY OF THE NUGGET, TINO’S GLORIOUS YEARBOOK 10100 FINCH AVENUE, CUPERTINO, CA ONLINE AT: WWW.CHSPROSPECTOR.ORG APRIL FOOLS’ 2011

ANTHONY KAOlittle brother

PHOTOESSAY: ZOMBIES!!!! FEATURES: A look at our new benevolent overlords! IN-DEPTH: Bathrooms!!!!

YEARBOOK LIBERATES JOURNALISM

JOURNALISM pROpERLY RENAMEd “NEwSpApER,” YEARBOOK BASKS IN RIGHTFUL GLORY

In an auspicious event foretold by a swallow and marked by the appearance of a double rainbow and a new star in the heavens, Yearbook took over Journalism in the early hours

of April 1, 2011.Using über-ninja skills, Yearbook staffers gallantly com-

pleted the liberation in under 3.14159 minutes. Casualties were unsurprisingly light; one yearbook staffer suffered slightly from friendly fire only because no one could tell the Journalism and Yearbook jackets apart. The Yearbook libera-tors immediately made Journalism a subsidiary of Yearbook and correctly renamed Journalism to “Newspaper” (which “Journalism” shall henceforth be referred to as).

“I’ve been waiting for this moment for years,” said Year-book Assistant Editor-in-Chief Yelena Muratova, “‘Journal-ism’ refers to much more than just a newspaper, yearbook included. It wasn’t just an insult- it was a obvious misuse of the word.”

Newspaper staffers welcomed their benevolent liberators with open arms and unbridled optimism.

“Now that we’re part of the Yearbook, maybe people will actually keep our paper forever instead of throwing it away,” said Grammar Policeman Jamin Shih whilst bear-hugging an unsuspecting Yearbook liberator.

Newspaper’s newly appointed Minister of Truth Eric Jang also expressed loving enthusiasm for his new overlords.

“I love how being under Yearbook rule automatically makes the opinions in my section truths,” said Jang. “All hail Yearbook! May they establish a thousand-year empire!”

Yearbook leaders were quick to capitalize upon such enthusiasm, immediately blessing their Newspaper minions with the opportunity to attend Design Re-Education and improve their skills.

Said Yearbook Editor-in-Chief Sarah Choi, “Newspaper has been committing design crimes for years. Their layouts are like first degree murder to my eyes. It’s about time some-one taught them proper grid design and how not to abuse the power of Photoshop.”

Newspaper staffers reacted to this opportunity with the same enthusiasm that has characterized the entire liberation.

As News Minion Anand Hemmady quite appropriately summarized, “this is the best thing that’s happened since Gan-dhi gave us dehydrated water and flying pigs!”

we so excited to get down on Friday? whoops, it doesn’t exist!!!

The International Time and Date branch of the United Nations eliminated the day Friday from the week due to massive chaos caused by Rebecca Black’s new single, “Friday.” When Black’s new song came out on Thursday, February 10, 2011, turmoil struck the internet, disturbing innocent YouTube watchers. The next day, this commotion reached classrooms worldwide, terrifying many teachers. The once-intelligent students were no longer able to remem-ber the days of the week, constantly forgetting what comes before and after Friday. In addition, the amount of automo-biles accidents rose by 37%, since middle school students attempted to drive their parents’ cars to school, endangering the lives of many students and teachers. That is, these stu-dents observed Black’s fun voyage to school in a convertible

AZADEH RONGEREnews minion

NINJA SKILLZ | Yearbook editors demonstrated their awesomeness by rapidly liberating lazy Journalism Newspaper editors

with her junior high peers. To make matters worse, these under-aged drivers sped through highways in their luxuri-ous cars with all of their friends sitting on the edges rather than safely and wisely buckled inside.

“It was the strangest thing I have ever seen. Suddenly all of the students began trying out for choir thinking, ‘If Rebecca Black can be a singer, so can I,’” said choir teacher Ikant Singh.

Some concerned teachers witnessed their students having emotional breakdowns while pondering which seat to take, even though only one chair was available. Other educators also became distressed due to incessant shouts of “Party and party and yeah, fun, fun, fun, fun.”

However, this issue seemed elementary when the English language began to shatter as soon as the next Friday came along. From toddlers to educated elders, people across the globe frequently forgot verbs in their sentences, frivolously

stating incompressible phrases such as, “We so excited.” In fact, by the end of Friday, IQ test scores dropped tremen-dously, while English-speakers were practicing a gibberish language.

“This song has ruined our country and the English lan-guage. ‘Friday’ only gave children and even adults a negative urge to constantly engage in parties instead of education,” declared President Barack Obama.

However, ‘Friday’ did yield a positive effect. According to the International Occupation Evaluation, the job occupation of an orthodontist became the most popular job considering over 80% of the entire world requested braces, wanting to be just like Rebecca Black’s co- stars.

Shortening the week to only 6 days obviously causes problems; however, many may have to disregard this univer-sal commotion to prepare for the retail-struggle of abolish-ing jeans due to Jenna Rose’s new song – “My Jeans.”

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the Prospector

2010-2011STAFF

big brotheris watching from yearbook

little brotheranthony kao

chipmunkregina hong someone else

minister of enlightenmentharini jaganathan

minister of trutheric jang

minister of lovetess wu

ministers of sanitationvani mulkareddy

jackie breuer

minister of we have no lifenatalie hoang

minister of starcraftjoanna lee

official photoshopperswillie wang

amar kantipudijamin shih

thought grammar policealyssa williams

jamin shihfred han

news minions

opinions minions

featuresminions

lifestylesminions

in-depthminions

sports starcraftminions

alya omaranand hemmadyazadeh rongere

gun ho coulter-leekevin chu

jesse zhouemily chengmadhuri sathish

natasha sharmaabhishek zaverimichelle cheung

victoria duanvirena galotranikhil kanthi

sunwoo jeongsindhu gnanasambandan

guardian of the peaceann peck

short note from the editorsIf you didn’t notice, this is an April

Fools’ issue. That means that NOTHING in here is real except for the ads. No, Year-book did not liberate us, and we like to co-exist in peaceful harmony (sorry Yearbook-ers, and yes, we know our jackets look very similar). We’d like to thank Yearbookers for being such good sports with posing for pic-tures and giving us awesome quotes though.

By reading this newspaper, you are ac-knowledging that “The Prospector” is not liable for any awkward situations that may arise from the articles published. You also automatically promise not to sue us for any reason whatsoever related to this issue (not like you would anyways, right?).

Anyways, we hope you enjoyed this lighthearted issue. Have a lovely April!

Sincerely,

Regina Hong and Anthony KaoEditors-in-Chief

Contact UsThe Prospector10100 Finch AvenueCupertino, CA 95014prospector.chs@gmail.comwww.chsprospector.org

2 ApRIL FOOLS’ 2011THE pROSpECTOR

In an effort to increase the number of books students read every week, the FUHSD Board of Trustess recently passed a mandate that requires FUHSD schools’ librarians to replace all existing books avail-able in the library with copies of Stephanie Meyer’s ever-so-popular novel Twilight. By doing so, librarians hope to create a new generation of vampire-werewolf lovers that read and sparkle in their free time.

The entire student population has been praising this bold decision by the board. A recent school-wide survey shows that over 9,000 percent of the school’s population cannot wait to read the piles of Twilight copies available in the library.

“I feel so giddy,” said senior Eric Ronne. “I have six Jacob shirts which I wear everyday under my normal clothes. I even convinced my parents to buy a pack of dogs for my 18th birthday so that I could learn to be one with the werewolves. I think I’ll be spending many nights in the school library in the future, just reading and learning how to be just like Jacob.”

Cupertino High School’s Associated Student Body (ASB) has pub-licly announced their approval of the plan as well. ASB plans to have a Twilight themed rally in sparkling light of the mandate passed by the FUHSD board, and they hope that the insurmountable fervor for Twi-light will raise school spirit tenfold.

JESSE ZHOUfeatures minion

VICTORIA DUANin-depth minion

Perhaps the largest high school uprising in the Bay Area since the The Wave in 1967, the Student Campaign Against Teachers Who Fail to Hole Punch Handouts– shortened to SCATWFHPH, has spread and influenced the entire Fremont Union High School District. Sophomore Kate Anvick, the ringleader of the movement, harbors strong feelings towards her campaign, claiming that un-hole punched sheets are all part of an underground conspiracy against students. Her reasoning is simple: Because these assignments lack holes, they cannot be neatly stored into a binder, leading students to loose them before they can find a hole puncher and resulting in low binder check scores.

Many of Anvick’s peers share similar views.“Like, seriously!” Sophomore Danny Kim complains. “Why should

we have to hole punch our homework assignments ourselves? I mean, we’re already doing it, which is bad enough.”

Students are currently channeling their anger towards their teachers by refusing to hole punch their binder assignments. Instead, they are resorting to stabbing their homework sheets straight onto the binder rings.

“It’s just so frustrating,” complains History teacher Jeff Rosado. “All the teachers who use binders for their classes are complaining. Every-day we’re collecting these deformed sheets that look like they’ve been mauled by Edward Cullen. It’s a hassle to grade.”

The only thing Anvick had to say when she heard Rosado’s assertion was, “Can’t stop me.”

Student defiance peaked at a rally in which frustrated students began to dump their binders into Stevens Creek. But since that fateful summit, the SCATWFHPH seems to have calmed down- although they continue to stage private get-togethers and rallies via Facebook and Twitter. An-vick claims that the abrupt cease in activity is only part of an elaborate master plan to benefit the greater good, but wary teachers are not so sure. Students have made it quite clear that they will not stop rallying until their teachers have renounced their ways.

“The students make up the majority of Cupertino High School’s population, it’s about time the people get what they want. This injus-tice is incredibly unsettling, and we will not stop fighting until we get our hole punched sheets. We have no fear of the consequences,” said Anvick. “We do not scare.”

Twilight to replace all library books in FUHSD

Un-hole-punched handouts spark nonviolent revolution

(now a subsidiary of our illustrious yearbook)

☺

If you can read this message, jump up and scream “COWABUNGA,” and then come to Room 611 to claim a special prize after finding all 5 smiley faces hidden throughout our paper. Good luck!!!!WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

From the age of uniformity, from the age of solitude, from the age of Big Brother, from the age of doublethink — greetings!

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11b-3367 © 2011 The College Board

ministry of truth 3ApRIL FOOLS’ 2011

In lieu of introducing fatal amounts of the mad cow disease hyste-ria into cowherds owned by the Democratic Party, Nast’s ivory-tusked pachyderm for the Republican Party fails to reflect the intellect of its polarizing leaders. Injecting the brain-eating illness into meat-loving Democrats’ fountainhead of food was a laudable feat that rendered most of our nation’s notable Democratic leaders unconscious, thereby staving off $900 trillion of anticipated federal spending. Replacing the Republi-cans’ antiquated mascot with Mad-cow disease is a win-win: reflecting the party’s slickness at implementing its creative ideas and serving as a cautionary sign for an infiltrated Democratic Party.

Sad wonder, then, that the Grand Old Party refuses to bathe in the fruits of its labor by unveiling this world-class horror as their new symbol. This unbelievably gruesome disease instills fear in the hearts of spiteful critics, making Republicans a fulcrum upon which a rising tide of pub-lic opinion pivot. Concocting the utopian mixture of fear and veneration vaunts their political party into such lofty heights it is tantamount to dei-fication. Such power enables its leaders to send whatever rocks their boat to the chopping board; rabble-rousers advocating installations of 24-karat golden toilets in the United States Capitol can expect having their heads served as dessert in the House or Senate chamber. People expecting to spend millions of dollars on useless socialist ideas like soup kitchens can expect a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay.

Playing second banana to opposing political parties is no longer an acceptable option when a whole slew of vastly superior young men are in its ranks. Fortunately, splashing their should-be mascot—Mad-

Republican party should change mascot to Mad Cow Disease

bird poop!Pokémonstrocity

There isn’t a kid who hasn’t dreamt about being a Pokemon master. Admit it: the moment you found out about Ash and his faithful yellow rat of a Pikachu, you wanted to bolt outside, find your own colorful pocket monster and whoop the other kid with your new super-powered pet. But as harmless as such fun sounds, let me offer a new perspective. As every Pokemon show grinds into its young audience through a catchy jingle, the road to success lies with its overworked catchphrase “Gotta catch ‘em all!” that sucks years out of children and money out of overwhelmed parents. Currently, the Pokemon franchise continues to reel in new victims with 649 Pokemon, countless video games, thousands of collectable cards and 700 T.V. episodes and counting! But as innocent as this insanely successful Japanese franchise may appear, there are effects on kids that must be addressed. Pokemon’s undeniable endorsement of animal abuse in its fictional universe has geared fans towards the same cruelty, thus endangering our real world animal friends.

To find evidence, one must not look far into the Pokemon franchise before stumbling upon heartless abuse upon animals. Fans familiar with the original series’ theme song can recall that the lyr-ics claim Pokemon to be a “best friend”; since when do humans force their dog to battle other dogs and still have the gall to call themselves “friends”? Every episode is filled with Pokemon blindly battling each other using gruesome attacks like thunderbolt or head smash if their owner demands it. The injuries can be so devastating that they will often fall unconscious and be quickly replaced by another Pokemon. There is so much abuse that even a mart is dedicated solely to restoring Pokemon.

While the battles are the most ap-palling cruelties, the living conditions of Pokemon reflect the barbarity of human respect towards real animals. The true question that has rattled fans for years: what exactly is inside a Pokeball? Scientists have concluded that it’s a cage of mirrors where captured Pokemon are dematerialized into light and forced into a cramped enclosure to bounce around until called upon. The franchise sends this horrifying message with every Poke-mon that is pulverized, bruised, burned, electrified, stung, poisoned—okay, you get the picture—before it is forcibly captured by its oppressor. If forgotten (a natural occurrence with the flood of new Pokemon), old under-leveled additions are deposited into a computer in their inhumane light-form, recorded into the Pokedex and forgotten forever. Real ani-mals need continuous love and attention and cannot tolerate such negligence.

The world of pocket monsters seiz-es their victims when they are young and plants the bud of animal cruelty to grow hidden behind the façade of a child’s play thing. As children continue to be brainwashed by Pokemon, the problem grows uncapped. Instead of a Pokemon Master, be the real hero and, “in a world we must defend,” take the change into your own hands. Now I heard you like Mudkipz, but please, throw away those cards, turn off that show and shut off those games! Protect our animal friends and fight the menace of Pokemon!

Cupid’s arrow is supposed to be a myth, but certain events of late have made me a believ-er. I mean, if someone told you that bird poop can give you the girl of your dreams, would you take them seriously? However, when presented with the facts, I became a believer of the mysti-cal bowel movements of the avians. Bird poop is no mere excrement, it is a potion of pure ro-mantic luck. And this is how it works...

After pondering over how to ask your love out for quite some time, you finally over-came your fear of rejection. However, staying awake every night, thinking about her voice has taken its toll on your beauty sleep. Now you have lost your sexy composition, and are in no position to ask her out. As you saunter past your beloved, though, nature’s own con-cealer, bird poop, lands right on your face. A wildly effective makeup tool, the pearly goop contains guanine, a compound that gives fish their iridescent shine, and now gives your face its seductive glow. You dash into the boys bathroom to wash it off (alas, you are a non-believer), but already your face looks brighter and cleaner. You gaze into the mirror and real-ize how messed your hair is, and you fix it. You walk out of the bathroom looking like the guy any girl would die to be seen with. Taking your chances with the luck of the draw, you walk up to your beloved and her friends, sweep her off her feet, and pop the question. Admiring your curly locks and alluring composition (and you probably have an acceptable personality), she responds yes, and somewhere in the skies, a seagull blesses you both.

There will always be nonbelievers in the magic of bird poop as there are nonbelievers in the magic of love. Trust, faith and confidence are all traits you will need in life, so you must learn to believe that anything is possible. I mean, sooner or later you will be blessed with the white goop, might as well jump for joy when it happens.

cow disease—across American media ushers in a long-overdue reinvention of the Republican Party, as its creative thinkers become encouraged to unleash their newfound weapon as the ultimate ground-level clutch that fuels its reign. Employing a disease that encapsulates the dreads and frets of a nation gripped by fears of genetically modi-fied food and scientific meddling in agriculture makes Republicans certain that they will remain the dictators in a climate where instilling fear is king. Nuisances defying their deficit-slashing mania and “reform” legislations, especially those en-ergetic rosy-cheeked tykes, can have their brains melted before they can scream, “I do not scare!”

So while the foolhardy Republicans opposing this switch of mascots must realize that they are slackening the iron grip they deserve on the United States and allowing the common rabble to have a voice, I believe this to be only a slight setback. Republican trailblazers have a deep well of ideas, innate intellect, and abundant knowledge of government, and they shall soon embrace the true representation of their party. Now, be-fore Democrats start baying for their blood and drumming them out of office, Republicans must assert their leadership by adopting Mad-cow as their official mascot.

NIKHIL KANTHIcall 222-1222 if you get bird poop in your eyesALYSSA WILLIAMS

typist, ministry of truth

KEVIN CHUtypist, ministry of truth

DANGEROUS | Above: Don’t break a Pokéball with the Poké-mon still inside.

a newtonia

n gravitat

ional field:

GM/r2 = (4∏/3)Gpr

radial + tangential

acceleration of

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m

xr= -GM[1/(b-

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2]-

(4GMa/c2)[1/(b

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Johto, so...

EDITOR’S NOTE:At the request of our gracious Yearbook

liberators, the Opinions section has been renamed to the Ministry of Truth and will henceforth be known as such. We hope that this change will remind you that everything we say is the undeniable truth.

If you have a less-than-positive opinion of this change, please report to the Depart-ment of Treacherous Investigation so that we may process you.

1942 | A researcher working on the Manhattan project accidentally shrinks himself while experimenting with

radioactive compounds.

1950 | Prototype Pokéballs are used for prisoner capture and troop deployment.

1995 | Pokémon Red released to soldiers as part of virtual reality training program.

1948 | The shrinking process is made reversible. A memorial is constructed to commemorate

previous test subjects.

2000 | Pokémon franchise expanded to teach kids STEM education.

2001 | Pokéball stockpile at the World Trade Center explodes. Incident covered up by Government. PETA

begins investigations.

Pokéball: A History

Take Action

1954 | Albert Einstein proposes that Pokéball technology can be used to solve 90% of the world’s problems. No one listens to him.

Pokéball Physics

101

(true physics is al

ways solved

on the back of a na

pkin)

GRAPHIC CONTENT(CENSORED)

1. Gameboys are hypnotic devices that imprison the minds of children. You can save their young minds by stealing their Gameboys and destroy-ing them.

2. Same goes for cards. Throw them in the washing machine and laugh as the kids attempt to salvage their water-logged treasures.

3. If you must play the game, never visit the guy who gives you your first Pokémon.

The resolution to place an

image in this box floundered

when Republicans

filibustered it in the U.S. Senate.

Unfortunately, a bird pooped on this image and we were

unable to recover it. The photographer also won the

lottery.

Thoughtcrime does not entail death: thoughtcrime is death!!!

Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two make four. If that is granted, all else follows.

ministry of love 4ApRIL FOOLS’ 2011for our glorious Yearbook overlords!!!

But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother.

figure to the endearingly-flawed Newspaper class. De-spite their selfish and inaccurate hogging of the title “Journalism,” we have offered them our sage advice and good will.

Unfortunately, this was not enough.What in 2008 was a simple clucking by Yearbook

photographers at the sight of off-task Newspaper stu-dents, escalated in to what would become known in the annals of Yearbook history as the “Year of the Rivalry.”

Newspaper’s blatant irresponsibility led them to de-pend heavily on our resources. For months, they regu-larly disrupted our top-secret meetings to ask us for a card reader. When we finally denied them in an effort to encourage them to buy their own, this hole in their chain of communication crippled them viciously, and led to lasting resentment between the classes.

While the vocal chords of the Yearbook students were healing from their regular cries of “Intruder,” our counterparts set in motion a vicious plan to steal away every student interested in Journalism. After catching their interest, they snared them in a vicious trap of com-

plicated application forms and essays that inflicted as much pain as a sit-down session with the FAFSA form.

This is when Yearbook launched Operation Emma Watson—a campaign of aesthetic healing through well-designed posters and the Yearbook application hanging innocently on the Newspaper door.

Our efforts were not in vain, they certainly did act upon many of our wise suggestions this year, but changes were not happening quickly enough. It was then when we realized that we couldn’t watch the Newspaper suffer under the weight of their own misfor-tune. We had to act.

Now, the grateful cries of Newspaper students, who had been enlightened to the error of their ways, echo across the campus. I have never seen a group of more eager students waiting to learn, finally, how to choose a photo that won’t pixelate and how to arrange text and photos in a way that doesn’t leave their readers with migraines.

Operation Newspaper Freedom is officially a suc-cess.

Operation.Newspaper.FreedomYELENA MURATOVAyearbook assistant editor-in-chief

The Historical Basisof the Liberation

WE BOSS.

Yearbook Newspaper

Yearbook has been waiting for this moment for a very long time.

While the preparations for the hostile take-over of Nubia by Egyptian forces were being carried out in the Robert L. Gomez Center, a far more peaceful mesh-ing—that of the elaborate lives of Newspaper and Yearbook students—was going on halfway across the school campus.

I am happy to announce that the liberation of the Newspaper class from their oppressive and hobbled bureaucracy happened quickly and with little opposi-tion. The only injuries were suffered by our own Assis-tant Editor-In-Chief Fred Wu, when a rogue Associated Press Style Book happened to smack a treasured pho-to out of his grasp. Wu is now okay, after several hours of therapy due to his inability to stop asking, “Where is my bonobo?”

Yearbook has always been sort of an older brother

Yearbook

Newspaper

Newspaper

Yearbook

Indisputable Graphs that factually show Yearbook is definitely, indubitably, undeniably, Unquestionably superior to Newspaper.

ministry of sanitation 5ApRIL FOOLS’ 2011

an in-depth look into your local

BathroomBathroom humor? What’s bathroom humor? We happen to believe that bathrooms are places where people do serious business. Really serious business.Here, have a swig of prune juice! Let’s plop ourselves down into the wonder-ful world of dissolved (NH2)2CO and post-intestine digestive excretions!

Okay, so here at Cupertino High School, it’s about a week before Junior Prom and a month before Senior Prom. So we know that I’m not the most politically correct mirror, so don’t take this offensively. I don’t mean it to any of my friends, I mean it to random toilets in the bathroom.

The problem is, these hordes of toilets that are installed at this school, which is fine, but if you’re going to come to the bathroom, then use mirror-like manners.

Hi. At this school, one thing we do not do is sing in the bathroom. I mean, I’m sitting there minding my own business, being available for girls to look at as they apply copious amounts of makeup in hopes that they attract the attention of certain males before Prom, and just as this girl is applying her seventeenth coat of mascara and about to apply her eighteenth coat, this toilet is like “FLUSHHHHHHH” from the bathroom stall.

Are you kidding me? A week before prom?So being the nice, polite, surface capable of reflecting sufficient undiffused light to form

an image of an object placed in front of it my parents raised me to be, I was gonna be like, “shhhhhh,” but then I realized that I am not capable of making sounds. And then the same thing happened like five minutes later. I swear it’s like they’re trying to flush the entire bathroom down. I mean, I know that sounds horrible, but if you’re going to go dispose of excrement loudly, you might as well go outside or something.

So that’s my rant. Even if you’re not a toilet, you really shouldn’t go “FLUSHHHH-HHH” in the bathroom. Thanks for reading. Have a nice day.

UPDATE: This mirror removed itself from the bathroom after receiving death threats from some members of toilet community at Cupertino High School.

HARINI JAGANATHANminister of enlightenment

Imagine walking into the bathroom after holding in your pee for two hours. An exhilirating feeling of pure elation overcomes you as you start having visions of beautiful porcelain waste receptacles glistening in the soft fluorescent bathroom light.

You are a few moments away from finally unleashing the dam that has been in the way of true relief... or so you think. You walk into the bathroom only to find three available urinals with two already taken.... and the only one that remains is in the middle.

That exhilarating feeling of pure elation suddenly evaporates like pee on a hot summer day in the Sahara Desert. The middle?!?! Between two guys?!?! Ew! Yuck!

What is it about this middle urinal that discourages us male high schoolers from releas-ing toxic, metabolic waste from our bodies? The answer is simple: the ability to pee so close to another man next to us is simply not within our comfort zone.

It just simply feels unnatural to be sandwiched between two guys while simultane-ously releasing bodily waste into a urinal. This discomfort has eventually evolved into the general rule to “do business” as far away as possible from the neighboring person, even if it means going into a stall with an actual toilet inside.

A simple remedy for this would be extending the distance between urinals. Doing so will allow us manly men to feel more comfortable in the restroom in more ways than one.

Further spaced urinals means comfort, comfort means happiness, happiness means better academic performance, better academic performance means a better job, and a bet-ter job means more moolah. So in theory, through transitive property, if we spaced urinals farther apart, that would mean more money for every single one of us. It is, in the grand scheme of things, the ultimate win-win situation.

JESSE ZHOUfeatures minion clone

The name of the game is aim!INFREDIBLE HANgrammar policeman

With a noxious, almost unbearable stench that threatens to destroy my sanity in the air, I slowly creep into what seems like hell. Inside the school bathroom, I cannot help but to notice that my stomach is

churning. Anxious to expel my solid wastes, I locate an empty stall and drop my pants. However, numerous tiny yellow droplets dotted across the toilet seat block any landing attempts. Screaming in agony as I attempt to delay the incoming flow, I am forced to grab handfuls of toilet paper to clear the runway. It is because of experiences like this that I make a desparate supplication to all of our male students: please learn to aim!

Allow me to lay out the logistics. An average toilet bowl has a “landing area” of approximately 80 square inches – as large as a textbook. Unless one is missing on purpose, it really isn’t difficult to aim down there. Perhaps it can be seen as a lack of responsibility: “it’s not mine, so it doesn’t matter”. Perhaps it is a sense of desperation – as the urge grows stronger and stronger, all reasoning and logic goes out the window in favor of relieving oneself.

However, no matter the reason, one really should clean up afterwards-when fresh urine is a completely sterile, non-toxic solution. So there really isn’t any harm in touching and cleaning it right afterwards. Yet, this smelly problem can be solved with a single tweak of hand: learning to aim. If everyone learned to aim, the restrooms will no longer stink and any attempts to drop solid wastes won’t be met with numerous tiny yellow droplets. Again, I implore all male students, please learn to aim!

Rantings of a bathroom mirror Urinals: Too close for comfort

PAGE GRAPHICS SURPRISINGLY NOT BY EMILY CHENG.THANKS FOR DRAWING ALL THOSE BEAUTIFUL PICTURES IN PREVIOUS ISSUES, EMILY!

This is a beautiful toilet. His name is Alfonse.

Alfonse says “FLUSH!”Say “Hi” to Alfonse!

Alfonse reminds you to keep him beautiful even

after you use him.

This is Moammar-al-Gad-dafi-al-toilet-paper-roll.

The UN imposed a no-fly zone over him with tiny invisible stealth fighters (stealth fighters are right

below this sentence).

<--These toilet paper rolls’ names are Mubarak, Saleh, Ben Ali, and bin Isa al-Khalifah. They used to swim in petroleum-filled swimming pools every-

day. Then they got overthrown in nonviolent revolutions. D’aww....

We are not content with negative obedience, nor even with the most abject submission.

ministry of we have no life 6ApRIL FOOLS’ 2011

There will be no love, except the love of Big Brother. There will be no laughter, except the laugh of triumph over a defeated enemy.

Necessity is no longer the mother of invention. Never one to stagnate, the social networking site Facebook has decided to implement new design changes in light of the success of the “like” button, the “top five photos” bar and the new jarring black photo box. Despite the back-lash of some of the design changes, Facebook represen-tatives insist that the changes are for the better.

“Many of our users log on to Facebook in order to waste time when they should be doing other things,” says representative Al Knighter, “they may end up fall-ing asleep at their computer.”

In light of this, the new distracting and ostentatious design changes have been made in order to keep stu-dents awake, startled and ready to do homework.

On the top of the list of most notable changes centers around notes. For quite some time, students would only glance through notes that their friends tagged them in and post generic comments of how funny and/or well-written they were underneath.

This led to a growing apathy and lack of communi-cation- two things Facebook is quick to discourage. In response, they took the same design scheme of the new black photo boxes and applied them to notes. Now, each note is lovingly decorated in a flamboyant neon pink box with individual words changing colors every few seconds.

Knighter is certain that this bold and daring choice is sure to keep students on their toes, “I think it’s going to be a huge hit. It will either make kids pay more atten-tion to notes or make them vomit. Either one is fine, actually.”

The second major change is how the website will deal with status updates. Says representative Bea Hind-Yu, “Internet stalking is now a major part of Facebook cul-ture. It’s really become important, so we felt we needed to address it.”

Thus, Facebook will soon begin recording the num-ber of times a user visits a friend’s page over a certain span of time. The higher the number, the larger the posts will be on the news feed. Checking a frenemy’s wall for passive-aggressive posts against anonymous people that are totally you will result in news feed posts twice as large as other posters’. And the high school crush(es) page that you find yourself looking at several times a day and sighing creepily as you find out what they had for dinner and read their parent’s blog will take up roughly half of the screen.

Finally, in response to the incredible success and popularity of the “like” button, Facebook has finally decided to release a set of new buttons to better en-capsulate the feelings of its users. Among those is the long-awaited “dislike” button, a “neither like nor dislike” button and a “this turns me on” button. Hind-Yu says, “We really feel like we didn’t provide enough variety of choices of how to respond to posts. Now you’re free to mention that you dislike Alice and Bob dating, that it turns you on that Jack is going to a family reunion and that you neither like nor dislike Jessica’s new baby.”

“My favorite is the neither like nor dislike button. Now, your opinion can be heard when no one really wants to hear it. It’s fantastic. It’s like Tumblr.”

Facebook’s groundbreaking new changes are sure to draw some attention back to its social networking roots and help the thriving community blossom.

Facebook design changes reflect new, stark reality of internet life (or lack thereof)JAMIN SHIHgrammar policeman

ORCHESTRA wILL BE pLAYING

LAdY GAGA!!!!Just kidding.

But in reality, there will be an Orchestra and Band concert featuring both classical and pop selections on

April 12, 2011 at 7 p.m. The Orchestra repertoire includes Mozart, Tchai-

kovsky, Les Miserables and Phantom of the Opera.Ask a Band member what they’re playing!

GO AND SUPPORT YOUR

MUSIC DEPARTMENT

sports 7ApRIL FOOLS’ 2011starcraft

3 rounds. 3 matches. 3 races. 1 champion. Back by popular demand, the FUHSD held the 3rd IDC Starcraft Tournament last Friday at MVHS.

Hundreds of fans crowded the gym with handmade banners and posters cheering on their representatives. 2 fangirls and one fanman fainted from the intensity of the matches. And once again, the two Tino representatives asserted CHS’s dominance at the traditional strategy game, placing first and second overall.

Started by Starcraft aficionado and CHS principal Kami Tomberlain, the IDC Starcraft Tournament show-cases the most popular strategy game in America (not Korea), Starcraft: Broodwar, played by the best gamers in the district. Each school picks two representatives to compete in the tournament. Complete with food ven-dors, commentators and strobe lights, this tournament draws the second most spectators after the Homecoming game. The players never disappoint.

Senior Tommy Lee (Zerg) was crowned district champion after defeating HHS’s Kyle Smith (Terran), MVHS’s Richard Yu (Protoss), and fellow Pioneer Kwan Keat Ang (Terran). The first two matches lasted less than 20 minutes each, but the last spanned 45 graphics-packed minutes. After Ang successfully fended off a few waves of Lee’s signature Hydra-Lurker-ling attackes, the match proceeded to late game. Ang then pressured Lee with a mech build, successfully taking center for some time. Lee massed Hydras, threw in a few Defilers, then Swarmed the minerals out of Ang. In a spectacular cen-ter battle, Lee pushed Ang back towards base, eliciting a GG.

Emerging from his pod, Lee said, “He [Ang] is a good player. But he’s not Korean.”

Indeed, Ang surprised many for defeating two Korean players from Homestead and Monta Vista to ad-vance to Finals. When asked for how he so successfully advanced, Ang said, “There are lots of Korean people in Tino. I play with them a lot, so I guess I’m as close to being Korean as a Malaysian can be.”

Hitpoints: Over 9000Armor: Fluffy little pink sweaters Cuteness (1~16): 14.5Fanbase: 200,000 strongFriendliness: too friendlySoft paws: yes, but careful of the clawsdrooling: endearingly excessiveBig eyes: Asian.Although they may have low hitpoints and armor, Zerglings can be quickly produced en masse and paired with other units (such as Lurkers, Mutalisks, or Ultralisks/Defilers) to quickly bring down enemy units and buildings. They eagerly and lovingly charge at enemies, trying to cuddle with them and slashing them to bits by accident. But they really love humans.

GUN HO COULTER-LEEopinions minion/zergling hatchery supervisor

Tino sweeps IdC Starcraft tournament

CUTE LITTLE ZERGLINGSA proifle of the cutest Starcraft unit EVER!

Pumping Hydralisk after Hydralisk from a proxy Hatchery, CHS senior Tommy Lee quickly destroys MVHS senior Richard Yu, first taking out the two Cannons nestled between tech buildings, then popping Probes one at a time. At this sudden at-tack, fan girls scream, either in heartfelt terror or in jubilance, adding to the noise already coming from the commentary box. In defense, Yu kills off the two Overlords and brings in Dark Templars to drive the Hydralisks away, but the damage has been done. Yu’s expansion is now defunct. In the next three minutes, Lee wipes out the expansion and attacks the Protoss base until Yu concedes, “GG.”

UBER-INTENSE GAMEpLAYA look at one round of the IdC Starcraft Tournament. Matching picture below!!!

D’AWWWWW| Isn’t that widdle Zergling so cuuute???

GG| Tino’s Tommy Lee owns MV’s Richard Yu

Who controls the past controls the future: who controls the present controls the past.

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E-mail us at prospector.chs@gmail.com!

photodBQ 8ApRIL FOOLS’ 2011

OMNOMNOM: BRAINS!A silver-haired fox from the organization Tinoleaks recently revealed that there was

apparently a small zombie invasion during Finals in first semester. Tinoleaks sup-plied our Photo Editor Willie Wang with some pictures taken by U.S. Government

observers who managed to cover up the invasion before students emerged from their exams.

The picture series goes clockwise: At top, the first zombie, code-named Barack-Palin6022, yearns for a knuckle sandwich (literally). Next, at top right, BarackPalin6022 attempts to assault a student only identified as SuperGlassesFistMan, who managed to avoid getting his brains scooped out.

But BarackPalin6022 did not give up. His next victim was a random female student who had fallen asleep during her AP Physics final (right). This second zombie was code-named WeSoExcited4Friday. Both BarackPalin6022 and WeSoExcited4Friday looked for new victims (below right), attempting to sample student Sarang Hae’s delicious brains (bottom right corner) and showing a penchant for topless Aida actors (bottom left cor-ner). After eating their fill of human flesh, both BarackPalin6022 and WeSoExcited4Fri-day walked into the wild blue yonder. They still have not been caught. In fact, they are still on the loose, and could be right behind you... AUGH!!! MY BR... CRUNCH. NOM.

So...zombies invaded Tino while you were busy studying. Herp derp?

If there is hope... it lies in the proles.