The Parking Lot Non-Competition Version

8/8/2019 The Parking Lot Non-Competition Version

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The Parking Lot

By John McCarrick

One Steve Glendenning

Jefferson High School

110 Mordington Avenue, Charles Town WV, 25414

Thespian Troupe 2774

December __, 2010


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SYNOPSIS

The Parking Lot

(6 M/2 F)

Its the early hours before Black Friday, and everyone has arrived to a single cold Wallshop in

the far north. However, not all is well. The gates are barred and barricaded, and factions begin to

develop. Follow this comical holiday epic through the actions of a pair of innocent bystanders in

a chaotic power struggle between feuding factions in the gritty anticipation of Black Friday

Wallshop shopping!


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List of Characters:

Bill

Che-Fellow

Darth Norris

Elija Jones

Jane

The Narrator/Samta Nutlaw

Officer Carlton

Vyvyan Potta


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(The show starts with the main act curtain closed, and a spotlight on THE NARRATOR, whom is

entering from Stage Left off from either in front or the furthest Stage Left edge of the curtain. A

spotlight is on him and follows him [or otherwise has light following him]. Music of a light

Christmas song under the narration.)

NARRATOR: Twas the night after Thanksgiving, and all through the world, every creaturewas stirring, as if it had hurled. The hawking was done by the laboratories with care, in fears that

old security team would soon be there! The villains were nestled all snug on their thrones, while

visions of glorious freedom danced in rebel heads!

You see ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, you have come to bear witness to the most

fantastical event of them all! Once a year, you dearly see, throngs of shoppers come for a spree!

Yes they come in all shapes and sizes, heights and girths, but what do they matter? Theyre little

more than a big walking purse.

They come here to Wallshop for the once-a-year sale that is the Black Friday tale. However,there is something amiss! The gates are closed and would-be-shoppers are pissed!

The doors are barred and barricaded from inside and out, while riots form a solid surrounding

cloud. From the far west, east, and south, even more shoppers come with no doubt! So many that

the eye cannot see, pushing from all sides without fail. It was a sea indeed, as if filled with

countless angry swears and wails!

Indeed only one place was left to be safe, the Parking Lot kept face. Tribes began forming far to

the North, for the fast leaving resources on a cold winters keep. With factions of force, war broke

out over heat, feasts, and treats.

Our story follows an unlikely pair by the names of Jane Wilder and Bill Bellows. Im sure

youve heard enough of my ramblings now, but do not fret for meet again we shall!

(The curtains burst open and lights begin shining, music loud over the speakers now. The music

should be an exciting Nutcracker song. In addition to the music, sound cues of gun shots,

breaking glass, yelling, and other generally chaotic noises of the directors choice fill the

auditorium. The stage is a parking lot, [This can be represented with having painted flats or

projected screens on house right and left wings of snowy parking lot scenes] and the set pieces

essential to the play are a tent, a fire pit[or metal barrel fire], a pile of junk, a large barricaded

door as far upstage as the set is able to go [known as the Wallshop Gate],and a small platform[can be disguised as a car, pile of clothes, really anything that fits]. These can be set in any

order the director wishes with exception of the fire pit and Wallshop Gate.)

(All actors are currently on stage in their prospective areas. JANE is alone stage left, BILL is at

the fire alone mid-stage, ELIJA and DARTH NORRIS are arguing at the pile of junk and tent,

CHE-FELLOW and VYVYAN are arguing at the small platform, and CARL is on top of the


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Wallshop Gate barricade stressing, lastly the NARRATOR is walking through the different

character areas before he walks off stage left as the music and sound fade out. When he walks

off, the lights come down on everyone except for Jane and Bill.)

JANE: Wonderful! Its snowing, Im cold, the store is closed, theres no way out, and Im alone

surrounded by a bunch of lunatics! (She begins walking towards mid-stage, skulking as if alone)Finally, a fire. At least thats one of the problems down (as shes approaching the fire, she is

unseen by Bill, and accidentally sneaks up on him) Hi, this your fire?

BILL:(not realizing she had come, he freaks out) AHH! Whoa whoa whoa hold on, this is MY

fire! Oh, wait, youre not one of them uh, sorry about that.

JANE: Uh right my names Jane, and who my you be? (Bill begins giggling uncontrollably)

BILL: Jane? Like Marry? Hahaha! Oh and my names Bill, though you can call me CHILL.

(busts out laughing entirely)

JANE: Your eyes are bloodshot, and your fire is fueled almost entirely by empty cheezyo

bags Oh Christ, first friendly person I meet here is baked!

BILL:(laughing continues) Relax girl relax! Hey tell you what, I saw a brilliant looking tent

somewhere around here. Want to go see if its abandoned, maybe we can study anatomy.

(snorts/giggles)

JANE: Not in your life, duckweed.

BILL:(the term duckweed peaks his attention) Weed? Where? Got some?

JANE: Certainly not! Is that all youve been doing here?

BILL: Well uh, no. I came here to buy some gifts for the folks back home, but uh. Hehehehe,

I was introduced to a new best friend!

JANE: So I see how long have you been well, how long have you been like this?

BILL: Oh about two days! Yea I burnt out the last of my stash, such a shame.

JANE: I cant imagine. So what are you doing now?

BILL: Well I still gotta get in!

JANE: I dont think were going to have much luck doing that, its already been a week!

Typically its only a three day camp for me, but this is ridiculous.

BILL: Say, whats your name?

JANE: Im pretty sure you already know it. Jane. Not as in marry.


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BILL: Oh oh right right, well yea we should head up to that tent!

JANE: You dont listen at all, do you? I told you not in your life! (huffs and turns back to the

fire, ignoring him)

BI

LL:

Naw naw dont be like that! Its just that its cold as shit out! And its snowing! Im all outtabags to keep the fire going Come on, not like youre going to get any warmer next to a dead

blaze-dizzy right?

JANE: Well, it has been a couple nights since I had any decent sleep. Alright, but if you so much

as look at me Ill kick the high right out of your stoner balls.

BILL: Chill girl, chill. Damn, some heavy stuff. Its right up here. (the two walk towards the tent,

occupied by Elija, but stop halfway-ish. A light comes up on Carl at the Wallshop Gate)

CARL: Damn it! Look at them all! This is crazy; I should have never accepted this position! I

should have said No, Mister Nutlaw, I cannot accept your offer! Oh God, Im defending HelmsDeep In Shit (looking through a set of binoculars at the audience) Oh My God. So

many! Real funny, Nutlaw, leaving me here to defend the barricade alone! Captain of Security

my left big toe! (turning with the binoculars towards Bill/Jane, light goes up on them and

Elija/the tent while fading down on Carl)

ELIJA:(as they are approaching within a couple feet, she begins waving a broomstick with a

roll of paper towels colored onto it like a banner) You there! Help!

BILL: Oh damn it!

JANE: What?

BILL: That midget girl stole my tent!

ELIJA: It was for the good of everyone!

JANE: And how is that?

ELIJA: Well, its the base of operations for the (said with a heavy French accent) re-sist-aunce!

BILL: Resist what now?

JANE: What are you resist-ingprecisely?

ELIJA: An evil tyrant! He goes by the name Darth Lord Norris, and hes hoarding all the

resources for his empire of evil! He subjugates the people of this parking lot, and forces them to

wait in lines for equal distribution based on his corrupt law!


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JANE:(sarcastically) Small girl with a French accent hating and evil empire ruled by a

tyrannical Darth. Where have I heard this before?

ELIJA: You dont believe me? Fine! Come look for yourself!

(Jane and Bill follow Elija a short distance to the pile of junk, as they go a light fades up on it.Darth Norris is sitting in front of it with a stamp)

DARTH NORRIS:(proudly) Halt! Youll have to wait your turn citizen- (annoyed) oh, you

again (sigh) Elija didnt we talk about this already?

ELIJA: You cannot silence democracy, you oppressor of freedom!

DARTH NORRIS: Oh for goodness sake not this again, you brought strangers into this?

ELIJA:(turning to Bill and Jane) Do you see now! Clearly he is a mad man! He must be

stopped!

NORRIS: Oh come on then, ok little lady Ive had just about enough of your attitude!

ELIJA: Dont you dare talk to me like that!

NORRIS: Im your father and you will respect my authority!

ELIJA: YOURE NOT EVEN MY REAL DADDY, MOTHER JUST MARRIED YOU

BECAUSE YOU WERE A SAFE OPTION AND SHE WAS LONELY!

NORRIS: Damn it girl dont bring your mother into this! Ive been taking care of your

ungrateful hindquarters for the last seven years! Now you will come over here right this instanceand apologize to me AND these people!

ELIJA: No! I wont do it! (covers her ears) IM NOT LISTENING IM NOT LISTENING

NANNY NANNY BOO BOO!

(Time freezes, and the narrator comes out from Stage Left again under the spotlight, all other

lights dimmed about halfway)

NARRATOR: A promise is a promise, as the old saying goes. My memory is foggy this evening

Im afraid, so youll be the decider at this cascade! On your seats you will see, a large red and

green sign that screams pick me! This is your tool of total control, and now were happy to

know;

Does the audience vote green for young ideological Elija, or red for wise yet quite Darth Norris?

Twenty seconds to go!


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(20 seconds, a sound clip of the directors choice can be used[think of the Jeopardy theme, for

example])

NARRATOR: Times up! Yes now I remember, you have ignited my memories embers! It was

indeed (based on approximate majority vote of the audience, it will be either) dearElija/Norris

who won the debate!

(Narrator steps off and sound/lights revert back to how they were before he stepped off, if ELIJA

won follow the FIRST part of the following script[marked with *ELIJA*], if NORRIS won follow

the SECOND part of the following script[marked with *NORRIS*])

(*ELIJA*)

JANE: Everyone just slow down a minute!

ELIJA: Will you help me?

NORRIS: Help you do what exactly?

BILL: I dont care who you help, so long as I get my snacks and tent back you hear!

JANE: Elijas right, why are you going through all this trouble for the rations?

NORRIS: Well we need to insure theres enough rations for everyone in the park, and some

people are more deserving than others of this pile!

JANE: How?

NORRIS: Well for one thing it was there pile to begin with, we just decided to accommodate it.

JANE: Accommodate it for what?

NORRIS: Everyones use!

JANE: And by everyone, you mean yourself and your empire?

NORRIS: Err, yes pretty much. What dont look at me like that, it was for the good of the

people!

ELIJA: Get out of here, Darth Norris! And Im telling mommy when were home what a mean

man youve been!

NORRIS: Oh for (deep sigh) alright alright, you win Elija, Ill be in the car when youre

ready As for you two, piss off. (Norris leaves stage either way that is closest)

(Elija celebrates and tosses the boxes of junk around, Jane and Bill look at each other and

shrug)


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ELIJA: We did it! We didnt even have to kill him!

BILL: Kill him? Oh heavy man! I cant believe she thought we were going to kill him! (thinking

about it, change of heart) Dude right on girl!

JANE: So about his tent?

BILL: And those snacks!

ELIJA: Well, we still need a base of operations for our(again heavy French accent) re-sist-

aunce but these snacks are the least of our reward! Youre an honored guest at the Tent of Re-

Sist-Aunce De Noruas, and may come and go as you please!

JANE:(Bill growls loudly) Thanks, uh, well just take a couple of these and head to the tent I

guess!

(*NORRIS*)

JANE: Everyone just slow down a minute!

ELIJA: Will you help me?

NORRIS: Help you do what exactly?

BILL: I dont care who you help, so long as I get my snacks and tent back you hear!

JANE: Elija, your dad, step dad whoever isnt a tyrant. Hes just trying to distribute these things

to people who need it, you need to set aside your feud with him and help out. Also, can we get

our tent back?

ELIJA: But but awww fine! Im sorry, Norris.

NORRIS: You can just call me dad

ELIJA:(whipping her finger around) Dont push it! Ill be in the car, just call me if you need

something I guess. (she turns around and sticks her tongue out at Jane and Bill as she walks

away, Bill and Jane turn to each other and shrug when shes almost off stage)

NORRIS:(when Elija is off stage) Ugh, thank you so much. Im really sorry about that, you said

you wanted your tent back?

BILL:(cutting Jane off as shes about to speak) Yes yes I did!

NORRIS: Right then all yours, if you need some rations just give me a shout and Ill give you a

few extra for the help.

BILL: But those were my snacks youve got there!


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NORRIS: Err, were they? I mean, uh, its for the common good! Ahem, well then, run along

citizen, your tent is yours for the claim!

JANE:(Bill lets out an irritated growl) Thanks! Come on.

(from this point on, the script follows from either Norris or Elija)

(lights down on that scene, lights up on Carl at the Wallshop Gates)

CARL:(taking the binoculars down) Oh, now theyre getting organized. Theyre forming

teams like football! Except its football with team switching, starvation, freezing, and being

bludgeoned by any random junk that is handy. (a loud explosion sound effect, Carl jumps

startled) What was that? (putting binoculars up again and looking at Vyvyan/Che-Fellows area)

(light fades down on Carl, then light up on Bill/Jane and the tent)

(Jane and Bill return to the tent with any bags or boxes of snacks they acquired)

BILL: Blargh

JANE:(confused) . Blargh?

BILL: Blargh! I cant believe this!

JANE: Well you got your snacks and tent back, what more do you want!

BILL: The gates to open would be nice!

JANE:You and me both

VYVYAN:(unlit by stage light, heavy English punk accent) EX-SPELL-AROUMA! OH SOD

IT (throws his wand angrily to the ground towards Bill and Janes direction), COME HERE

YOU BASTARD!

CHE-FELLOW:(unlit by stage light, Spanish accent) BARBARIAN!

JANE: What the hell?

(Jane and Bill drop anything theyre carrying except ONE box of rations in or next to the tent,

and run to cover on the Che/Vyvyan set, which lights come up on)

BILL: Duck! (Vyvyan throws a boot over their heads, dodged by Che-Fellow)

(cat yelps loudly as if hit by the boot)

JANE: Hey cease fire! Cease fire!

(both Che and Vyvyan overlap)


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CHE-FELLOW:(faces towards them) Shut up!

VYVYAN:(faces towards them) Piss off!

(as they respond, Vyvyan and Che-fellow resume their battle)

BILL: Why are we over here?!

JANE: I dont know, you followed me here!

BILL: YOU LEAD ME HERE!

JANE: What am I, your keeper?

BILL: Oh screw it (taking of a shoe and sock, then tying the sock to Vyvyans wand which was

thrown near in their direction, he begins waving it)

JANE:Good luck

BILL: TRUCE! CEASE FIRE! WE SURRENDER! NO MORE SHOES!

VYVYAN:(pausing from combat, confused) HEY! THATS MY WAND!

(Bill and Jane look at each other and gag, Bill begins taking his sock off of the flag quickly and

throws the wand to the ground before putting his sock/shoe back on)

CHE-FELLOW: Well you two werent the ones who had it shoved

JANE:(closes her ears, as she does this no more sounds come, there is a light ringing sound,

Che-Fellow mouths the words as if hes saying them) OK! So, whats going on? (she removes her

hands and the ringing stops)

VYVYAN: This complete bastard wont shut up!

CHE-FELLOW:(moving to the platform) This incompetent barbarian does not support the

greater-good!

VYVYAN: WELL YOU SHOULDA STOPPED SINGING, CHOIR BOY!

CHE-FELLOW: YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER CRAWLED OUT OF THE

EVOLTUTIONARY MUCK!

VYVYAN: IT WAS HOT IN THERE! (Vyvyan storms off to the opposite side of the platform

and sits down)

CHE-FELLOW:(addressing Jane and Bill) My friends, this (turning his head or gesturing to

Vyvyan) IDIOT is trying to kill me!


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VYVYAN:(facing away from them, but facing the audience) I was not! I was simply trying to

maim you to the point where youd bleed out and die on your own!

CHE-FELLOW: Canyou talk any sense into this lunatic?

BI

LL: Hang on, youre so tall! (Bill is momentarily awe-struck)

JANE: Hes on a platform, genious.

BILL: No hang on there, thats more than a platform, its deep stuff.

CHE-FELLOW: Actually now that you mention it. (clears his throat, then proudly speaks) This

platform was made in my honor by my fellow workers. I was standing hear peacefully rising my

peers into action, when that brute shows up!

VYVYAN:(standing up and turning towards them) This wanker was singing like a sodding

Andrew Lloyd Webber musical star! I dont see the (using air quotes) peers you were

peacefully rising into action!

CHE-FELLOW: YOU scared them off when you threw that flaming Molotov into the crowd!

VYVYAN:(very annoyed and self defeated) OH GOD WHY DID I DO THAT!

CHE-FELLOW: Regretting endangering the lives of others now?

VYVYAN: No, no, no! That was nearly a full bottle of vodka! (pointing accusingly to Che-

Fellow) You owe me now!

BILL: Chill, chill, theres plenty of vodka inside the store!

VYVYAN:(sarcastically, strutting towards Bill) Yea? But the bloody doors arrant open yet now

are they?

JANE: Cant anyone do something about that?

CHE-FELLOW: Id think you could try talking to Carl.

JANE: Carl?

BILL: Yea, the local captain of security.

CHE-FELLOW: Hes been patrolling the barricade on the main entrance, mumbling to himself

now and then. Id gladly follow you, but he and I have already come to blows.

JANE: How so?

CHE-FELLOW: Lets say a difference in beliefs.


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VYVYAN: Hes a commie.

CHE-FELLOW: Im a HUMANITARIAN free thinking individual, and yes I support

communism! (proudly again, centering himself on the platform, putting his hand on his heart)

Ive successfully won the hearts and minds of many people, sometimes with my music,

sometimes with my inspiring speeches, sometimes with my style (he points to his characteristichat, smiles, and winks) (coughing, covering his mouth) and sometimes by force, (another fast

cough, becoming light hearted) but thats a rarity in comparison, really!

VYVYAN: Youre a looney!

CHE-FELLOW: Well spoken for a brute Anarchist with a girls name.

VYVYAN: NOW IM WARNING YOU! VYVYAN COULD BE A GUYS NAME TOO!

BESIDES, youre one to talk, Che-Fellow.

CHE-FELLOW:(speaking from the platform to the audience as if giving a speech) I am afellow of the people! Why should I not speak of such things as revolution and revenge! Social

changes for the good of mankind, starting here in the parking lot and moving worldwide! Ive

made many social reforms in my day, and here at the Wallshop parking lot I see nothing but

anarchists and barbarians!

VYVYAN:(shoving Che-Fellow off the platform) Yea, you see them because theyre

CLEARLY the only sane ones here you fairy! An Ill have you know that I bought a ticket to

Pigfarts School for Warlocks and Fishnet Stocking Girls off a bloke not thirteen yards from here!

Im going to be a wizard! Now THATS civilized. (tightens his bath robe)

JANE: You do realize thats not a real school right?

VYVYAN: What do you mean? I bought a ticket to it, didnt I?

BILL:(leaning towards Jane) I really dont think its a good idea to tell him that

(Che-fellow gets back up onto the platform, and the two start to push each other back and forth)

VYVYAN:(overlapping) NO! I SAID NO MORE BLOODY SINGING!

CHE-FELLOW:(overlapping) YOU CANNOT STOP REVOLUTION, WAR MONGER!

(time freeze again, lights fade down and the Narrator returns under the spotlight)

NARRATOR: Once again its time to choose, green for punk-rock-wizardry or red for the

opera-singing revolutionary short fuse?

(20 second sound clip, same sound clip plays as before)


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NARRATOR: Times up! Yes it was [ifVyvyan won] the less-than-wizardly Vyvyan who won!

[ifChe-Fellow won] that Che-fellow who won the day!

(Narrator steps off and sound/lights revert back to how they were before he stepped on stage, if

VYVYAN won follow the FIRST part of the following script[marked with *VYVYAN*], if CHE-

FELLOW won follow the SECOND part of the following script[marked with *CHE-FELLOW*])

(*VYVYAN*)

JANE: Quick, wheres his wand!

BILL:(going for the wand, touching it as little as possible in disgust) Here! Catch! (throwing it

to Vyvyan)

VYVYAN:(catching it) Right thanks mate! (thrusting the wand in the air) EX-WIFE-SPELL-

AROUND-ISH! (loud crack of lightning and a flash of light)

CHE-FELLOW:(as if hit by lightning bolt, he jumps off the platform yelping) Ouch ouch ouch

it burns it burns! (runs off stage)

VYVYAN: Hahaha, run you fairy! (turning to Bill and Jane) I didnt need your help though, but

thanks anyways.

JANE:(speaking to Bill, ignoring Vyvyan) Come on lets go talk to Carl.

VYVYAN: Oie, hes that way. (points towards Carl, Bill and Jane first look back to Vyvyan than

to Carl.As they leave, lights fade down and right after he is no longer he says - ) Bloody loonies.

(exits stage)

(*CHE-FELLOW*)

JANE: Do we have a gun? Mallet? Anything!

BILL:(pulling out a box of munchies acquired from either Darth Norris or Elija) Oh damn, I

cant believe Im doing this Here! You hungry?

VYVYAN:(pausing to turn around, punching or choking Che-Fellow) I could use a bite, yea

sure.

JANE: All yours! (takes the box and throws it off stage)

VYVYAN: Why you gah. Now Im too hungry to fight. (stomps off stage to get the box of

snacks)

CHE-FELLOW: What a disgusting brute. Good thinking my friends. Had he not choked me

to death I would just as likely die of the stench. I am in your debt. (takes a bow)


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JANE: Yes yes sure any time, but we could use a hand. Where is this man Carl?

BILL:(overlapping with sure any time) Speak for yourself.

CHE-FELLOW: Carl is patrolling the main gate, I would lead you there myself but I am

obligated to my duty. I must gather my people together and spread the word! (points towardsCarl) Go that way my friends!

JANE:(Bill and Jane turn around to leave) Thanks!

(Che-Fellow starts dancing and singing Goodnight and Thank you from the musical Evita,

replacing goodnight with goodbye and Megaldi with Fair Vyvyan towards where Vyvyan walked

off stage. He continues this until lights turn off on his stage)

(from this point on, the script follows from either Vyvyan or Che-Fellow)

(lights down on that scene, lights up on Carl at the Wallshop Gates)

CARL:(looking through the binoculars, watching the whole scene) Oh no no no, dont you be

coming over here. (drops his binoculars as Bill and Jane walk into the light)

JANE: Hello? Are you Carl?

BILL: Hey look pal you planning on opening these gates any time soon?

CARL: NO and NO, get out of here! I dont want to shoot you but I will!

BILL:(Bill and Jane look at each other puzzled) But. You dont have a gun?

CARL: What, how do YOU know that?

JANE: Because wouldnt you be pointing it at us?

CARL: Crap err uh I mean *ahem* Im still dangerous! Just look at the bones!

BILL:(picking up a bone) these are chicken bones.

CARL: I uh well I turned him into a chicken! And ate him! Oh shoot, who am I kidding.

Look guys I cant open the doors even if I was allowed to. Believe me I want to, you think its

cold down there? Try up here with the wind beating on your face.

JANE: Wait, youre not allowed to?

CARL: Im just a mall cop lady, I was offered a promotion as captain of the guard. Pfft, some

job this is, theres no guard to be captain of!

JANE: Well who IS in charge then, Oz?


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CARL: Might as well be. Samta Nutlaw is in charge, owner and proprietor of Wallshop

Corporation. Im just trying to do my job, and I have my orders; nobody gets in the Wallshop

until he says so.

JANE: Can you call him or something?

CARL: Well sure I dont see why not except he didnt give me any equipment or contact

information when I took the job. My office is on the other side of this barricade.

BILL: You have an office?

CARL: Well it looked a lot more like an office before all four of the walls fell apart and after he

slammed the door. Thats the last I saw of the man I think this might have been a trick.

JANE: You dont say.

CARL: Its been nice to have some company, really, but theres really nothing I can do. Id say

go home, but good luck with that. (picking up the binoculars and using them to scan the

audience) Far as I can see, nobody can get out of here Unless you happen to have a helicopter.

BILL: A helicopter? Who would have a helicopter here?

CARL: One right over there actually looks pretty beat up, even looks like it was thrown

together. Theres a couple people fighting over it cant really make out who, but you might

recognize them.

JANE: Point us in the direction! (Carl does so, Jane turns to Bill) That could be our escape!

BILL: Were going to have to fight for it, though!

JANE: Its worth a shot, lets go! (they run towards this helicopter, which is brought on stage)

(with the Helicopter on stage, Elija or Norris[whoever the audience chose previously]and

Vyvyan or Che-Fellow[again whoever the audience chose previously]enter from opposite sides

from behind the helicopter and start yelling at each other. First part of the script will follow

*ELIJA* and*VYVYAN*, next will be *ELIJA*and*CHE-FELLOW*, followed by *NORRIS*

and*VYVYAN*, and lastly *NORIS*and*CHE-FELLOW*)

(*ELIJA* and*VYVYAN*)

ELIJA: This is my helicopter, I will not let you have it!

VYVYAN: I dont see your name on it, pipsqueak!

ELIJA:(upon seeing Jane and Bill arrive, she rushes over and starts frantically grabbing at

Janes hand) Oh miss Jane, please we need your help again!


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JANE: Hi Elija, listen about this helicopter

ELIJA: Oh yes, the helicopter! It is the key to airlifting food to the hungry, fly gracefully

through the air and bring hope to those who need it most!

VYVYAN: Yea well they can look to the snow for all I care! I need this here whirly bird!

BILL: I thought you were a wizard, cant you just wave your hand and fly away?

VYVYAN: Well that isnt going to help me get that bloody great gate down now is it?

JANE: So wait, you want to open the Wallshop barricade?

VYVYAN: Well my supplies wont buy themselves ya know! Besides, give me some glue and a

few ruberbands and Ill fix it back up to fly to pigfarts! Talk about an entrance!

ELIJA: Please, your plan is so cruel! If I take the helicopter, I can get you two inside or escape

this entire area! Think of the children! You helped us against the tyranny of Darth Norris, willyou not stand with me again against this monster?

VYVYAN: No no no haha! (walking over to Bill and Jane, standing between them and putting

his arms around them both) These guys are me palls! Theyll stand up for me, wont ya?

(Jane and Bill, disgusted by his stench and having his arms around them, look pitifully to the

audience. Time freezes and the narrator enters with the usual diming lights)

NARRATOR: Well this is a pickle isnt it? Whose trust do they break for their own gain? They

need your wit to avoid total disdain! Choose now your favored option, green for small Elija or

red for stench-riddled Vyvyan.

(20 second sound clip)

NARRATOR: Times up! That was a wise choice in [Elija] fair young Elija! [Vyvyan] bad-to-

the-bone Vyvyan!

(Narrator leaves, lights back up to how they were before and they unfreeze. Elija first then

Vyvyan)

[*ELIJA*]

JANE: Get your dirty arm off me! Look mr Vyvyan we need that helicopter to get out of this

place, we cant have you go and destroy it!

VYVYAN:(backing up a step) Why I never. You got the same opinion? Think of the good

times wed have! Crashing in all action like, then having the whole entire place for ourselves!

Think about it! Or dont think about it you gits! I dont need you!


18/40

(Vyvyan attempts to commandeer the helicopter by pushing his way past the other three and

pulling out his wand)

VYVYAN: Abra-ka-turn-this-thing-into-a-key-ous! (sound effect, satisfied he attempts to stab

the front panel of the helicopter, resulting in a very loud zap sound and continued

electrocution sound effects. As this happens his body convulses as if its being electrocuted) Tu-tu-tu-turn th-thi-this bl-bl-bl-bl-bloodddd-blooddy th-thi-thing ooooffff!

ELIJA:(using her broomstick banner she pushes him off of his wand, and he falls to the ground)

Oh, now look what he did! It will never work for us now!

VYVYAN:(slowly getting up) That did not go as planned. I think Im gonna take a nap now.

(loudly thuds back down)

BILL: Whoa dude, I thought I was fried! (attempted high five, Jane scorns him and he puts his

hand down)

ELIJA: Well, I appreciate your kind and generous help again strangers. I have an idea how we

can get this to work again, but Ill need your help.

BILL:(turning to Jane, and Jane looking back) We dont have much of a choice, do we?

JANE: Alright, what do you need help with to get this thing working again?

ELIJA: We dont have a choice any more, we have to infiltrate the barricade and get the parts.

JANE:(looking up to Bill) We need to talk to Carl. (Bill nods)

[*VYVYAN*]

BILL: Uh well dude youre planning on getting us into the barricade right?

JANE: Elija, sweety, we really need to get into that Wallshop. Vyvyan here is quite capable of

doing just that for us.

ELIJA: Wait, you mean youre on HIS side?

VYVYAN: Oh dont sound so surprised, it was obvious that they would pick an adult over some

idealistic little girly girl!

ELIJA:(hitting him in the crotch with her banner, knocking him to the ground) Im eighteen

you chauvinistic pig!

VYVYAN: Why that little blighter

ELIJA: Un-believable. Like, O-M-G, I cant freaking believe you two would do this to me!

Youre supposed to be my friends! Fine I dont need your help anyways! I can fly! I can fly!


19/40

NORRIS:(off stage) She can fly!

ELIJA: Thanks daddy! (she jumps in the helicopter and sticks her banner out of the window,

then attempts to start the engine) Wait what? This stupid thing doesnt even work! (she kicks

open the door and stomps out with her banner in hand, saying her lines while leaving the stage)

Who needs a stupid helicopter when I can spread peace and love alone! Hmph!

VYVYAN: Wait, it doesnt bloody work? Awhhh what a bugger!

JANE: I guess it was worth a try at least, come on Bill.

VYVYAN: Now just wait a minute! Ive got an idea!

BILL: What, strap wheals to it and call it a battering ram?

VYVYAN: Exactly! Its brilliant isnt it! Great minds think alike you know.

BILL:(looking at Jane) Well better than nothing right?

JANE: We need to talk to Carl. (Bill nods his head in agreement)

(*ELIJA*and*CHE-FELLOW*)

ELIJA: Its my helicopter, and I will not let you have it!

CHE-FELLOW: Girl, please; leave this to the professionals!

ELIJA:(upon seeing Jane and Bill approach) Oh miss Jane, please we need your help again!

JANE: Hi Elija, listen about the helicopter

ELIJA: Oh yes, the helicopter! It is the key to airlifting food to the hungry, fly gracefully

through the air and bring hope to those who need it most!

CHE-FELLOW: And I will be the one to do it, thank you very much!

BILL: Wait dont you want the same thing?

CHE-FELLOW: Uh, well, yes, sort of for the most part.

ELIJA: Better dead than red, commie!

CHE-FELLOW: As you can see, we dont see eye to eye.

JANE: What are you going to do with a helicopter anyways?

CHE-FELLOW: Well same thing she wants to, but I also need to hook up a speaker set and

spread the word!


20/40

BILL: So you want to sing again?

CHE-FELLOW: If you mean spread the word of peace, than yes.

ELIJA: My mission is too important to let this fool try his hand at karaoke! People are starving!

CHE-FELLOW: Our mission is the same! I just do it with more style!

ELIJA: Please Jane, Bill, will you help me get this man to see reason?

CHE-FELLOW: Friends, help me convince her to just allow me to assist her and help me bring

peace to this harsh time.


need your wit to avoid total disdain! Choose now your favored option, green for small Elija or

red for the avid communist pop singer.


NARRATOR: Times up! That was a wise choice in [Elija] fair young Elija! [Che-Fellow]

talented socialist revolutionary Che-Fellow!

(Narrator leaves, lights back up to how they were before and they unfreeze. Elija first then Che-

Fellow)

[*ELIJA*]

JANE: Mister Che

CHE-FELLOW: Please, its Che-Fellow.

JANE: Ok, Mister Che-Fellow, I think you need to stop fighting over this. I mean youre both

after the same thing, right?

CHE-FELLOW: Si, for a short term goal yes. I need this helicopter for a longer term goal too,

to keep my fellow people under a single common goal. I want to spread inspiration to unite for

the good of us all!

ELIJA: Scram red, weve got this helicopter. Democracy and freedom will dictate this

helicopter of salvation!

CHE-FELLOW: Oh really? Hey look over there, a bald eagle!

ELIJA:(turning to look) Smeagle?

(Che-Fellow jumps in the helicopter and attempts to start it)


21/40

CHE-FELLOW: Damn! Why wont this work! Cursed capitalist scum, they should trust all

people to be able to operate these machines!

BILL: It doesnt work?

CHE-FE

LLOW:

(getting out of the helicopter) Si that is what I said my friend, it does notwork!

ELIJA: Well crap! That just ruins my plans.

CHE-FELLOW: Im sorry seniorita, it was not exactly my plan either. I guess Ill just go make

a tower to broadcast from, or maybe visit from tribe to tribe to bring peace and unity.

(Che-Fellow leaves the stage)

ELIJA: Not all is lost, though. Ive got an idea! It isnt a peaceful one, but it might work.

JANE: What, like, build a giant horse to storm the barricade?

BILL: More like a giant donut.

ELIJA: I was more thinking a giant bomb, but we can make it look like a horse if you want!


[*CHE-FELLOW*]

JANE: Elija you both have the same goal, how is he going to distract you?

ELIJA: His singing! Its so romantic. And uh distracting! Its so distracting!

CHE-FELLOW: Heh, you dont say

ELIJA: Look I cant let you have the helicopter, but maybe we can work something out. You,

me, some wine

CHE-FELLOW: Uhh, seniorita, how old are you?

ELIJA:(gasps and hits Che-Fellow in the crotch with her banner) Im eighteen, damn it! Why

do people always think Im a little girl! Damn it!

CHE-FELLOW: Feisty I dont think I like it. Yet.

ELIJA: Un-believable. Like, O-M-G, I cant freaking believe you two would do this to me!

Youre supposed to be my friends! Fine I dont need your help anyways! I can fly! I can fly!

NORRIS:(off stage) She can fly!


22/40

ELIJA: Thanks daddy! (she jumps in the helicopter and sticks her banner out of the window,

then attempts to start the engine) Wait what? This stupid thing doesnt even work! (she kicks

open the door and stomps out with her banner in hand, saying her lines while leaving the stage)

Who needs a stupid helicopter when I can spread peace and love alone! Hmph!

CHE-FELLOW: All that and it doesnt even work?

BILL: Neither of you thought to check that before you started fighting?

CHE-FELLOW: We hardly had the time. As disappointing as that is, perhaps there is some

good we can work out with this.

JANE: Like what?

BILL: Were not interested in converting it into a giant microphone speaker, thanks.

CHE-FELLOW: Actually thats exactly my plan. With the spare equipment from this, we can

rally the people into storming the barricade.

JANE: Or we can use it as a signal to Nutlaw. We need to talk to Carl. (Bill nods his head in

agreement)

(* NORRIS* and *VYVYAN*)

NORRIS: Look citizen this helicopter is in direct property to the Empire, you cannot trespass on

it!

VYVYAN: I dont see your name on it, fascist!

NORRIS:(upon seeing Bill and Jane enter) Oh thank goodness, finally some people with

dignity and common sense! This man refuses to yield his advances on property owned by the

Empire. He uh dealt with my royal guards. Would you kindly show him that this is for the

good of everyone, not just his own selfish gain!

JANE: Well yes about that

NORRIS: Oh yes yes the helicopter! I had intended to use it to bring reinforcements and

supplies to those loyal to me. It also is a key component in bringing down the barricade that

stands between us and our common goal.

VYVYAN: Yea well theyre getting plenty of air lift supplies from the snow! I need this here

whirly bird!

BILL: I thought you were a wizard, cant you just wave your hand and fly away?

VYVYAN: Well that isnt going to help me get that bloody great gate down now is it?


23/40

JANE: So wait, you want to open the Wallshop barricade?

VYVYAN: Well my supplies wont buy themselves ya know! Besides, give me some glue and a

few ruberbands and Ill fix it back up to fly to pigfarts! Talk about an entrance!

NORRIS:

Please, your plan is so crude! If I take the helicopter, I can get you two inside orescape this entire area! Think about it. Besides Im the only one who knows how to properly run

this damn thing anyways! Come on, help me help you!

VYVYAN: No no no haha! (walking over to Bill and Jane, standing between them and putting

his arms around them both) These guys are me palls! Theyll stand up for me, wont ya?

(Jane and Bill, disgusted by his stench and having his arms around them, look pitifully to the

audience. Time freezes and the narrator enters with the usual diming lights)


need your wit to avoid total disdain! Choose now your favored option, green for wise veteranNorris or red for stench-riddled Vyvyan.


NARRATOR: Times up! That was a wise choice in picking [Norris] the only pilot in this

catastrophe! [Vyvyan] the bad-to-the-bone Vyvyan!

(Narrator leaves, lights back up to how they were before and they unfreeze. Norris first then

Vyvyan)

[*NORRIS*]

JANE: Get your dirty arm off me! Look mr Vyvyan we need that helicopter to get out of this

place, we cant have you go and destroy it!

VYVYAN:(backing up a step) Why I never. You got the same opinion? Think of the good

times wed have! Crashing in all action like, then having the whole entire place for ourselves!

Think about it! Or dont think about it you gits! I dont need you!

(Vyvyan attempts to commandeer the helicopter by pushing his way past the other three and

pulling out his wand)

VYVYAN: Abra-ka-turn-this-thing-into-a-key-ous! (sound effect, satisfied he attempts to stab

the front panel of the helicopter, resulting in a very loud zap sound and continued

electrocution sound effects. As this happens his body convulses as if its being electrocuted) Tu-

tu-tu-turn th-thi-this bl-bl-bl-bl-bloodddd-blooddy th-thi-thing ooooffff!

NORRIS:(using his plastic-armored hands he pushes him off of his wand, and he falls to the

ground) Oh, now look what he did! It will never work for us now!


24/40

VYVYAN:(slowly getting up) That did not go as planned. I think Im gonna take a nap now.

(loudly thuds back down)

BILL: Whoa dude, I thought I was fried! (attempted high five, Jane scorns him and he puts his

hand down)

NORRIS: Well, I appreciate your assistance. All is not lost however. This still contains all the

proper utilities to make a SDC

JANE: A what?

NORRIS: Super Death Cannon, we can use it to take down the barricade toot-sweet. Wouldnt

take me long to rig up to my minivan.

BILL:(turning to Jane, and Jane looking back) Im not sure Im digging this idea


[*VYVYAN*]

BILL: Uh well dude youre planning on getting us into the barricade right?

JANE: Mr Norris, we really need to get into that Wallshop. Vyvyan here is quite capable of

doing just that for us.

NORRIS: What, you mean youre on HIS side? Dont be preposterous!

VYVYAN: Oh dont sound so surprised, it was obvious that they would pick a dashing young

man over an old coot like you!

NORRIS:(imitating the Force Choke scene in Starwars) I find your lack of decency

disturbing

VYVYAN:(not effected) What are you doing?

NORRIS: Uh. Youre not choking. Fine! (punches Vyvyan in the mouth real quick and jumps

into the helicopter)

VYVYAN: That didnt hurt you bastard! You just surprised me.

NORRIS:(playing with various controls) Wait theres no ignition system! This things a dud!

Who built this piece of crap? (getting back out of the helicopter)

JANE: So youre saying it doesnt work anyways?

NORRIS: Saying? Try it yourself! Theres no way to start the damn thing! What nincompoop

designed this rig anyways? Im out of this mess, you guys deal with it! (Norris leaves stage)


25/40

VYVYAN: Ive got an idea!

BILL: What, strap wheals to it and call it a battering ram?

VYVYAN: Exactly! Its brilliant isnt it! Great minds think alike you know.

BILL:(looking at Jane) Well better than nothing right?


[*NORRIS* and*CHE-FELLOW*]

NORRIS: Look citizen this helicopter is in direct property to the Empire, you cannot trespass on

it!

CHE-FELLOW: Old man, leave this to the young and beautiful!

NORRIS:

(upon seeing Bill and Jane enter) Oh thank goodness, finally some people withdignity and common sense! This man refuses to yield his advances on property owned by the

Empire. He uh dealt with my royal guards. Would you kindly show him that this is for the

good of everyone, not just his own selfish gain!

JANE: Well yes about that

NORRIS: Oh yes yes the helicopter! I had intended to use it to bring reinforcements and

supplies to those loyal to me. It also is a key component in bringing down the barricade that

stands between us and our common goal.

CHE-FELLOW: No, my friend, I need this helicopter! Its of vital importance you see, I mustprocure this vehicle for peace! Allow me to take it and unite our people into an army, and storm

the oppressors!

JANE: And just how do you plan on rallying people into an army?

CHE-FELLOW: Now that you mention it my friend, I intend to hook up a speaker set and

spread the word of peace to all of the downtrodden!

BILL: So youre going to sing again?

CHE-FELLOW: If by sing you mean spread the word of peace, then yes.

NORRIS: Please, your plan is so frivolous! If I take the helicopter, I can get you two inside or

escape this entire area! Think about it. Besides Im the only one who knows how to properly run

this damn thing anyways! Come on, help me help you!

CHE-FELLOW: Friends, help me convince this narrow minded old coot to just allow me to

assist him and help me bring peace to this harsh time.


26/40

(Jane and Bill look at each other, then look pitifully to the audience. Time freezes and the

narrator enters with the usual diming lights)


need your wit to avoid total disdain! Choose now your favored option, green for wise veteran

Norris or red for the avid communist pop singer.


NARRATOR: Times up! That was a wise choice in picking [Norris] the only pilot in this

catastrophe! [Che-Fellow] the talented socialist revolutionary Che-Fellow!

(Narrator leaves, lights back up to how they were before and they unfreeze. Norris first then

Che-Fellow)

[*NORRIS*]

JANE: Mister Che

CHE-FELLOW: Please, its Che-Fellow.

JANE: Ok, Mister Che-Fellow, I think you need to stop fighting over this. I mean youre both

after the same thing, right?

CHE-FELLOW: Si, for a short term goal yes. I need this helicopter for a longer term goal too,

to keep my fellow people under a single common goal. I want to spread inspiration to unite for

the good of us all!

NORRIS: Get off my helicopter! There wont be any of this uniting nonsense, and the people

are fairly subjugated as one under my iron rule! Take your nonsense and be gone!

CHE-FELLOW: Oh really? Hey look over there, rebels!

NORRIS:(turning to look) Oh no not again!

(Che-Fellow jumps in the helicopter and attempts to start it)

CHE-FELLOW: Damn! Why wont this work! Cursed capitalist scum, they should trust all

people to be able to operate these machines!

BILL: It doesnt work?

CHE-FELLOW:(getting out of the helicopter) Si that is what I said my friend, it does not

work!


27/40

NORRIS: Horse hockey, let me see that! (playing with various controls) Wait theres no

ignition system! This things a dud! Who built this piece of crap? (getting back out of the

helicopter)

CHE-FELLOW: Im sorry senior, it was not exactly my plan either. I guess Ill just go make a

tower to broadcast from, or maybe visit from tribe to tribe to bring peace and unity.

(Che-Fellow leaves the stage)

NORRIS: I appreciate your assistance. All is not lost however. This still contains all the proper

utilities to make a SDC

JANE: A what?

NORRIS: Super Death Cannon, we can use it to take down the barricade toot-sweet. Wouldnt

take me long to rig up to my minivan.

BILL:(turning to Jane, and Jane looking back) Im not sure Im digging this idea


[*CHE-FELLOW*]

JANE: Mr Norris, I think youre taking this whole empire thing a tad too far. I know you mean

well, but you already pissed off your step daughter in the process. Che-Fellow here might have a

really good plan. Cant you two work something out?

NORRIS: What, you mean youre on HIS side? Dont be preposterous!

CHE-FELLOW: Si, theyre on my side. Senior we both want the same thing, safety and unity

for the people! Pilot the helicopter, Ill worry about getting the people. Together we can take this

barricade down!

NORRIS:(imitating the Force Choke scene in Starwars) I find your lack of subordination

disturbing

CHE-FELLOW:(not effected) Senior? What are you doing?

NORRIS: Uh. Youre not choking. Fine! (punches Che-Fellow in the mouth real quick and

jumps into the helicopter)

CHE-FELLOW: That was uncalled for!

NORRIS:(playing with various controls) Wait theres no ignition system! This things a dud!

Who built this piece of crap? (getting back out of the helicopter)

JANE: So youre saying it doesnt work anyways?


28/40

NORRIS: Saying? Try it yourself! Theres no way to start the damn thing! What nincompoop

designed this rig anyways? Im out of this mess, you guys deal with it! (Norris leaves stage)

CHE-FELLOW: All that and it doesnt even work?

BI

LL: Neither of you thought to check that before you started fighting?

CHE-FELLOW: We hardly had the time. As disappointing as that is, perhaps there is some

good we can work out with this.

JANE: Like what?

BILL: Were not interested in converting it into a giant microphone speaker, thanks.

CHE-FELLOW: Actually thats exactly my plan. With the spare equipment from this, we can

rally the people into storming the barricade.

JANE: Or we can use it as a signal to Nutlaw. We need to talk to Carl. (Bill nods his head inagreement)

(from this point on, the script remains the same for all four options)

(lights down on that scene, lights up on Carl at the Wallshop Gates, Jane and Bill enter)

CARL:(watching them approach) I saw the whole thing. Was worth a try, ya did good though

kids.

JANE: Carl, weve got something to tell you.

CARL: Yea, I know what its going to be. I aint going to pretend to stop you. Im a man of my

word kids, and I wont leave this post, even if it is the worst idea Ive ever had.

JANE: Weve got to get in Carl! Dont you see this madness? Its absolute chaos out here, and its

just because of this store! Open the gates, or well have to break them down!

CARL: I cant open them even if I wanted to! Im sorry. I do have another proposition for you

though. I know your friends are going to try to break down the barricade, but if you help me

defend it I promise you I will get you two inside. Only you two though. Ill blame the damage on

the siege, you two will be on your own when youre inside though. (Carl drops a ladder down

for them to climb) What do you say?

(the attacking army arrives on scene;Elija has a wooden donut, Norris and his royal guards

[whom now are hippy-tized, their armor covered in colors and flowers] accompany her.Norris

has the Super Death Cannon and is accompanied by his Royal Guards, Elija has turned goth and

sits on the cannon ready to fire. Vyvyan pushes his battering ram into place, accompanied by his

familiar[a messy disgusting stuffed animal] whom he uses as a mascot. Che-Fellow arrives with


29/40

three soldiers, he is dragging a wagon with a tower of stereos wired into a single microphone. A

military tune comes on right before the army arrives and plays through)

(Jane and Bill look between the two and then look at each other, everyone freezes in place. The

narrator comes on again, the lights dim down and the military tune fades out.)

NARRATOR: Dearest audience, we are betwixt. The very climax lies in your hands, and you

must decide the path our adventure takes. Choose wisely, for what you choose will affect the

entire parking lot and all the lives therein! Show green if you will help Carl defend the barricade,

or red if you will support the siege of Wallshop!

(20 second clip of music)

NARRATOR: Time is up! I remember now, it ended with a boom and a pow! The fighting was

fierce and the battle thick, our beloved heroes [Carl] stood vigilant against the siege! [Other] laid

waste to the steely wall!

(first part of the script will follow *CARL* and*ELIJA*, next will be *CARL*and*NORRIS*,

followed by *CARL*and*VYVYAN*, and lastly *CARL*and*CHE-FELLOW*)

(*CARL*and *ELIJA*)

(*CARL*)

BILL: Well at least weve got a wall on his side.

JANE: Alright Carl youve got a deal, help us up.

CARL:(helping Jane then Bill up the ladder that he let down) Thank you, thank you.

(the attacking forces start yelling and booing them)

CARL: Ok kids, now I aint so great with giving pep talks but here goes nothing. Weve got a

wall, some rubber bands, and some fire crackers. Whats important though, were doing the right

thing. Were standing up for order, the people down there? Well shoot theyre just crazy! All this

over a shopping mart. Seesh. Now theyre threatening to kill us just because Im doing my job?

That wont fly. Not one bit. This ends here, we gotta defend this gate! Heres to coming home in

one piece! Cheers!

JANE/BILL: Cheers!

CARL: Get ready, here they come!

ELIJA:(yelling from on top or near her super weapon, the trick trojan-donut) Hey, Carl! Look

at this! You want it, dont you?


30/40

JANE: Its a trick Carl, dont listen!

CARL: Oh, shoot, damn my hunger! Get out of here girl!

ELIJA: ATTACK!

(Elija leads the charge with her army against the gate, improvise the battle as required)

ELIJA: Retreat! Retreat! (she jumps in the Trojan-donut and her soldiers roll her off stage)

CARL: Great job! Thatll teach them! (Carl lets the ladder down again) A deals a deal, follow

me. (Bill and Jane follow)

JANE: This is it! Finally what weve been waiting for!

(Carl knocks on the wall, looking for a weak point, then hears something. Everyone steps back

and the front gate of the barricade comically flops forward to the ground. Carl, Jane, and Bill

look at it stunned for a moment)

CARL: Oh CRAP! That wasnt supposed to happen! (the deafening roar and rumble of

thousands of storming people can be heard in the distance) Oh no here they come! Quick, its

too late now, get in while you can and get whatever you need! Im outta here!

(Carl runs off stage)

(*ELIJA*)

CARL: So this is how its going to be? Ok, fine. (pulls the ladder up) I dont get paid enough for

this shit.

(Bill and Jane walk over and roll the donut over, they get in with Norris)

ELIJA:(yelling from on top or near her super weapon, the trick trojan-donut) Hey, Carl! Look

at this! You want it dont you?

CARL: That donut looks mighty tasty.

ELIJA: Try it! It wont bite!

CARL: Well I guess No! No its a trick isnt it?

ELIJA: Trick? What trick? Its a giant donut! Theres no trick here! Just roll it into the wallshop

and enjoy it all for yourself! Youve earned it!

CARL:(letting down the ladder, he abandons his post and walks to the donut) Why thats

mighty kind of you.


31/40

ELIJA: Grab him!

(the soldiers grab him, Jane, Bill, and Norris get out as the soldiers force Carl in)

CARL: You lied to me! No! No no no no no!

JANE: Sorry Carl, this is how it has to be. Well get you to your family soon.

(Bill inspects the gate its self)

BILL: How are we going to get in?

JANE: He mentioned that he would blame the damage on the siege, there must be a weak spot

somewhere here.

BILL:(knocking on the gate, the front door falls down) I think I found it.

ELIJA:

The gates are open! Victory is ours!

(the guards and Elija run in, there is a deafening roar and rumble of thousands of people

storming their way in the distance)

(*CARL*and *NORRIS*)

(*CARL*)



CARL:(helping Jane then Bill up the latter that he let down) Thank you, thank you.





over a shopping mart. Now theyre threatening to kill us just because Im doing my job? That

wont fly. Not one bit. This ends here, we gotta defend this gate! Heres to coming home in one

piece! Cheers!

JANE/BILL: Cheers!


NORRIS:(yelling from the side of his Super Death Cannon) Carl, you are wanted by the Empire

on charges of conspiracy against the Empire. Jane and Bill, you are wanted for co-conspiracy


32/40

and treason. Will you surrender and accept your crimes, or will punishment be dealt with death

on the field of battle?

BILL: Do your worst old man!

CAR

L: Is that a giant water gun?

NORRIS: Right then, fire the SDC!

ELIJA: This is for breaking my trust, traitors!

(she fires the cannon, resulting in a loud rumble and lights. The lights go crazy and build up in

speed and intensity, then a puff of smoke coughs out of the gun. In result, she starts beating the

controls in anger. A royal guard gets a bucket of water and splashes it against the gate and

shrugs before walking back into place)

NORRIS: Oh shoot, must have needed more gas. (clears throat) Charge the gate men!

(Norris dramatically pulls out a light saber and lets his royal guards charge ahead of him.

Improvise the battle as required)

NORRIS: Retreat! We will return, traitors! (they retreat from the stage, Elija riding the SDC off

stage as the royal guards push it off, with Norris close behind them)











(*NORRIS*)


this shit.

(Bill and Jane walk over and stand next to the SDC)


33/40

NORRIS:(yelling from the side of his Super Death Cannon) Carl, you are wanted by the Empire

on charges of conspiracy against the Empire. Will you surrender and accept your crimes, or will

punishment be dealt with death on the field of battle?

CARL: Is that a giant water gun?

NORRIS: Ill take that as a no. Fire the SDC!

ELIJA: Powerin up!

(she fires the cannon, resulting in a loud rumble and lights. The lights go crazy and build up in

speed and intensity, then a loud crash of noise and Carl disappears in a puff of smoke)

NORRIS: Oh dear, that may have been too much gas No matter, to the gates!

(Bill and Norris inspect the gate its self)

BILL: How are we going to get in?

JANE: He mentioned that he would blame the damage on the siege, there must be a weak spot

somewhere here.

BILL:(knocking on the gate, the front door falls down) I think I found it.

NORRIS: The gates are open! We have won!

(the guards, Norris, and Elija run in, there is a deafening roar and rumble of thousands of

people storming their way in the distance)

(*CARL* and *VYVYAN*)

(*CARL*)










piece! Cheers!


34/40

JANE/BILL: Cheers!


VYVYAN: Oie! You there! I thought you gits were on my side? No? Piss off!

(Vyvyan rolls his battering ram into place)

CARL: We cant take more than a few blows from that monster, quick get the rubber-bands! (all

three take one) Ready! Aim! Fire! (they all fire at Vyvyan)

VYVYAN:(covering his eye) Oawa! Bastard! That got me in the eye! (takes out his wand)

Shove-off-alareus!

(Carl falls over, Jane is thrown off balance, and Bill hangs on to the barricade, they recover)

CARL:(getting up with a water-balloon) Bombs away! (he throws it down)

(explosion sound effect, puff of smoke, Vyvyan is gone)

JANE: I think hes gone.

BILL: What, did he melt?











(*VYVYAN*)


this shit.

(Bill and Jane walk over and grab the battering ram)

VYVYAN: Oie, its time to bust down that gate! Push lads! Ram that thing!


35/40

(Bill, Jane, and Vyvyan push the ram into the gate once, shaking the foundation, causing Carl to

fall over)

JANE: Reverse! (pulls out)

BI

LL: Ready! (stops)

VYVYAN: Charge! (ram the gate again)

(Carl stumbles up)

CARL: Eat this! (Carl shoots a rubber-band at them to no effect) Darn it! I surrender!

VYVYAN: No thanks were not interested! Heave! (they all pull the ram out)

JANE: Its getting weaker!

VYVYAN:

One more time, ram! (they charge, collapsing the gate. They pull it out to reveal thehole)

BILL: What do you know, it worked!

VYVYAN: Told you it would!

JANE: Just goes to show that when all else fails, brute force is the answer.

VYVYAN: Now youre thinkin!

(the deafening roar and rumble of thousands of storming people can be heard)

CARL:(struggling to get up again) Oh no, no, here they come! This is your fault! Im out of

here! Incoming!

VYVYAN: This is gonna be fun! Come on! (Vyvyan runs inside)

(*CARL* and*CHE-FELLOW*)

(*CARL*)








36/40




piece! Cheers!

JANE/BILL: Cheers!


CHE-FELLOW:(speaking into the microphone) Come one come all! Let us end this fight once

and for all! Storm the gates my people!

(the deafening roar and rumble of thousands of storming people is heard)

CHE-FELLOW: Here come the people! Angry with your greed! Wait, Jane? Bill? Why are you

up their? Is your greed so great that you must keep us all from the treasure within my friends?

Did he offer you the treasures within to yourselves?

CARL: Oh no, here they come.

BILL: Run, or shoot? Run or shoot?

JANE: Both!

(all three arm themselves and shoot before climbing down and attempting to escape, theyre

stopped by Che-Fellows soldiers)

CARL: Fine! You want to get in? Ill show you how!

CHE-FELLOW: Good man! Follow him!

CARL: Its down here. One condition; Let Jane and Bill go.

CHE-FELLOW: Si si whatever, lets get this over with.

(Carl points them in the direction, they turn and walk. Carl points to the door and silently memes

knocking on the wall and listening, Jane understands, Carl follows them)

JANE: Quick we dont have much time before they get here, knock to find the weak spot he was

talking about!

BILL:(knocks on the barricade, the door comically falls forward) I think I found it.

(*CHE-FELLOW*)


this shit.


37/40

CHE-FELLOW:(speaking into the microphone) Come one come all! Let us end this fight once

and for all! Storm the gates my people!

(the deafening roar and rumble of thousands of storming people is heard)

CHE-FE

LLOW: Quickly, we dont have much time! Come down and join us Carl!

BILL: Whats to lose?

CARL: My dignity! Are you mad? You just alerted the entire damn parking lot that the gates are

open! Youll be trampled!

JANE: Theyll over-run your barricade in minutes Carl, join us!

CARL: Son of a I dont have much of a choice. (he lets the ladder down again and walks

down to them)

CHE-FELLOW: Consider yourself honored senior, I plan to write a ballad of your oppressiveregime defeated by the will of the people! Take him prisoner. (the soldiers grab his arms) Show

us how to open this barricade and youll be free to go.

CARL: No! (a soldier threatens him) Auhh Knock on the barricade.

CHE-FELLOW: Good man! Let him go. Lets go find this week point! (Carl runs while he

can)

BILL:(inspecting the barricade, he knocks on it listening for a weak spot, only to have the front

door fall forward comically) I think I found it.

CHE-FELLOW: Splendid! Yes! The prize belongs to the people! We get first dibs!

JANE: Wait, youre not going to divide the spoils equally?

CHE-FELLOW: Some people are more equal than others. We dont have much time before the

entire populace comes, get in quick!

(Che-Fellow and his guards enter the gate)

(from this point on, all options take the same script)

(time freezes, the roar stops, and the narrator appears)

NARRATOR: And so the last choice was made, shall they run before theyre trapped within or

risk the vault of relics that is Wallshop? Choose green to run and red to shop!



38/40

NARRATOR: Times up! They [run away] fled the scene! [go shopping] ravaged the store with

first dibs and made a hasty retreat!

(Bill and Jane either run in the store or away from the store and ultimately off stage either way,

the roaring continue, the main act curtain closes temporarily)

(the curtain opens again, there is a desk in the middle of the stage with a nice chair, a name tag

with the engraving Mr Nutlaw, and an ashtray on the desk)

NARRATOR:(sitting in the chair, back towards the audience) Now whats this you ask of me

yet? What happened to all the rest? Well sit back and let me fill you in, you see its a rather

dandy win-win.

(if*CARL* was chosen in choice four)

NARRATOR: Carl, captain of the guard, ran past the endless hordes of angry shoppers and

found his way out of the parking lot. There he got a taxi, went home, and called to say he quits.He was home for Christmas with the family, and although never paid for his services he used his

experience to land a new job as an official member of the Chicago Police Force.

(if*ELIJA* was chosen in choice four)

NARRATOR: Young Elija and her family became royalty of the Parking Lot, praised by the

countless shoppers who flooded the streets of the now open Wallshop Discount Store. They

became heroes of the world for a time before settling back into their humble suburban life. The

Trojan-Donut was retired and used to build a memorial to the war of the parking lot.

(if*NORRIS* was chosen in choice four)

NARRATOR: The wise old Darth-Norris lead his family as the head of a short lived aristocratic

empire. Wallshop presented him with all the resources and wealth he would need to astern total

domination of the area. However, after the shopping craze was made, there was no more need for

his empire. So he disbanded and returned to his humble suburban life, where he and his step

daughter Elija continue to plot their next plan for world order, Super Destruction Cannons

included.

(if*VYVYAN* was chosen in choice four)

NARRATOR: Vyvyan, being the anarchist brute he is, left the Wallshop in shambles even

before the rest of the crowd arrived. After the endless stream of angry shoppers did arrive they

found the place ravaged, and Wallshop lost a considerable sum of money. Vyvyan was last scene

riding a rocket-propelled battering ram somewhere to the north east, screaming Pigfarts, here I

come!. Where he landed is anyones guess.

(if*CHE-FELLOW* was chosen in choice four)


39/40

NARRATOR: Che-Fellow attempted to organize the countless streams of shoppers into a line.

With his many speakers echoing down the corridors, he finally had his moment of greatness.

Everyone got a slice of what they wanted, praising Che-Fellow. Soon they were all wearing that

bloody hat of his and singing catchy pop tunes. His success caused a social revolution amongst

teens the world wide, with every acne-ridden kid wearing his face on their shirt the fad grew

more and more. The fad remains to this day, and Che-Fellow has since sold several albums.

(after that dialog, if Jane and Bill*Ran away*)

NARRATOR: Jane and Bill decided to escape while they could. They split their paths with little

more than a good bye. By the time this adventure was over, Bill had sobered up enough to

discover that he lost all of his munchies, his tent, his sleeping bag, and his high. He realized what

a mess he had been, and decided enough was enough. What happened to him afterward is

unknown, but there are rumors that he joined an NA group.

Jane returned home empty handed, displeasing her fianc. She had intended to pick up a gift forher niece in law. After telling her husband to-be the story of her Wallshop encounter, he laughed

and said Yea, and my names not Ernest! Im not even from Bumbery! They have since married

each other, she works at home. She has yet to meet this niece.

(after that dialog, if Jane and Bill*Went shopping*)

NARRATOR: Jane and Bill came too far to simply run away, and decided to grab everything

they could. Bill fulfilled his destiny and pioneered an entire menu of green treated pastries and

dishes. He became a self-proclaimed Culinary Chemist and used the money he made to fund

an underground standup comedy lounge. Bill and Silent Chongs Most Excellent Bar.

Jane returned home with a sack full of gifts, pleasing her fianc greatly. She went to Wallshop to

pick up a gift for her niece in law, and returned with a trove of them. After telling her husband-

to-be the story of her Wallshop encounter, he laughed and said Yea, and my names not Ernest! I

dont even have a niece! They have since married each other, she works at home. She has yet to

meet this niece.

(after both alternative dialogs, the following is regardless of choices made in the play)

NARRATOR: And so ends this years fun boys and girls! Black Friday was a bust for

Wallshop, but they took no real losses. The trials of the parking lot survival may seem absolutely

cruel for something that is supposed to be so jolly, and the choice Mr Nutlaw made may seem a

bit odd considering it only took money away from him. The truth is, friends -

(the narrator turns around in his seat, he still in a suit but added an obviously fake Santa beard

and hat, smoking a cigar)


40/40

NARRATOR: - money is nothing compared to the simple joys of entertainment! Merry

Christmas from Wallshop! (Samta/The Narrator lets out an evil bout of laughter that carries on

into music)

(actors come and do their bows)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

As a reward for surviving the parking lot, the audience will receive one of six stickers:

1 ELIJA, PEACEAND COOKIESFORALL

(if the audience was loyal to Elija the entire play)

2 IAMA LOYAL SUBJECT OF THEEMPIREOFNORRIS

(if the audience was loyal to Norris the entire play)

3 VOTE 4 VYVYAN, YABASTARDS

(if the audience was loyal to Vyvyan the entire play)

4 VIVA LEREVOLUTION, VIVA LE CHE-FELLOW!

(if the audience was loyal to Che-Fellow the entire play)

5 SHOP-COP,WALLSHOP EMPLOYEOF THEMONTH

(if the audience was loyal to Carl the entire play)

6 ISURVIVED THE PARKING LOT ANDALL IGOT WAS THISSTUPID

STICKER

(if the audience was not loyal to any one character)

The Parking Lot Non-Competition Version

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Transcript of The Parking Lot Non-Competition Version