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Year I, No. 2 OCTOBER 2010 p. 4

In this issue:A WAR VET

TEACHES YOU

HOW TO SLEEP

WITH YOUR

EYES OPEN

THE NATIRBraccae tuae aperiunturOur goal at The Natiris to bring you the news in a fresh, yet slightly mentally

challenged fashion. Our team of writers have worked dilligently to make sure that

you, our fellow Ritamen, not only read the news, but feel it, taste it, and oftentimes,

smell it. While you can get your news elsewhere, this is the only source guaranteed to

give you papercuts that will bleed Mustang Red.

Watch out

Baffoe didnt

have his coffee

today p. 7

Shadow from 1994

emerges from locker

to tell his harrowingstory p. 7

Nike suing Standring

for Swoosh use

p. 7

Ignatius transfer student arrives in horse-drawn carriage

by Craig Sabath

Every year, St. Rita attracts a handful of transfers from a variety of

schools. One in particular has managed to attract plenty of attention.

His name is Maximilian Petronius III, from St. Ignatius.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be; for loan oft loses both itself and

friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry, said Petronius,

elaborating upon his financial reason for coming to St. Rita.

Petroniuss presence was felt the very first day of school, as he rode

his 12-horse carriage into the back parking lot. When questionedabout whether or not he is aware of the dangers of this type of

transportation, Petronius answered, "Cowards die many times before

their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once. Of all the

wonders that I yet have heard, it seems to me most strange that men

should fear; seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it

will come."

Though only a 14 year oldsophomore, Petronius has found himself

at home in Fr. Cooks AP Latin class. He has yet to lose a point in

Cooks class, although he has expressed some confusion in the class,

saying, But, for mine own part, its Greek to me.

Petronius has also become a welcome guest at the cafeteria, often

found buying 5 course meals, spending upwards of 3 gold coins,

which is roughly $55, a sitting. A dish fit for the gods, said

Petronius about the cafeterias food."Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player

that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no

more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying

nothing," shouted Petronius, following a book check.

As far as Petronius horse, Oberron, which sat with the carriage in

the faculty parking lot for the duration of the school day,

Maitenance Staff Director Brendan Garrett said, I havent had to

clean up this much [fecal matter] since they made the mistake of

serving chili at the last grade school retreat.

Petronius has made an impact academically and extracurricularly,

already captaining the Scholastic Bowl and Chess Teams, while

looking to establish a fencing club. When asked what drives him to

take such actions, Petronius replied, "I have no spurto prick the sides

of my intent, but only vaulting ambition,which o'erleaps itself, andfalls on the other."

After thanking Petronius for his time in the interview with The Natir,

he had some final words for his fellow Ritamen, "Good Night, Good

night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it

be morrow."

May we wish the best of luck to Petronius as he embarks upon his

journey as a Ritaman.

Left: Oberron waits patiently

for his master. (not pictured: giant pile of horse poop)

Gummi Bear on

hallway ceiling

finally jumps p. 7

Day of the Dead

altar includes pic of

Swayze p. 7

Rumors have abounded since Sally Deenihan retired fromher position as St. Rita High Schools principal, rumors thatshe had sold the seat to her successor, Brendan Conroy. Thisis the first time St. Rita has ever found a new principal fromoutside the school, a red alarm initially for many close to thisstory.

When calls were made to Deenihan to inquire about thescandal, she could not be reached aboard her recentlypurchased yacht, sailing around the Mediterranean Sea.Fortunately, Conroy was in his usual spot at the end of thehallway shaking students hands. Sally and [St. RitaPresident] Fr. Tom McCarthy never considered anyone elsefor the role after hearing about the benefits of hiring me.,boasted Conroy. Whoops, Ive said too much. Thisinterview is over.

Above: a recent photo of DeenihanSt. Ritas top political analyst, sophomore Charlie Murphy,also gave a statement about the sale. Now, I dont knowmuch about politics, Murphy said, But Mr. Conroy hasseemed less rich since he started working here. I mean, heused to wear a suit daily work. But during HomecomingWeek, I saw him almost every single day with a T-shirt andjeans. If that doesnt point to the fact that he bought that seat,I dont know what could.

Many other faculty and staff members were allegedlyinvolved with the buyout of the principal seat. Many wereconsidered for the various assets they could provide to Mrs.Deen... er, the school, said Kieran Kellam, a teacher at St.Rita. Asked if it was an auction process, Kellam responded,Well, it was all behind closed doors. We really didnt know

who else was in the running, only that other people were in,and the bidding was frequently... um, never mind.

According to an anonymous source, tape recordings existthat supposedly contain audio of Deenihan on the phonewith various members of the St. Rita community.Supposedly Deenihan can be heard in one conversationsaying, I got this thing, and its [expletive] golden.

Adding insult to what looks to be serious injury to thereputation of St. Rita is the alleged involvement ofMcCarthy. When asked about the possibility that hecollaborated with Mrs. Deenihan to sell the seat or if it wasall Mrs. Deenihan, he immediately answered, Who wantssome money!?

Maybe not so much money, but answers? Many peopledefinitely want those.

Deenihan sold seat!by Jack Gardner

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The Natir

Local NewsNorth side

of AcademicHallway 45

October 2010 p. 3

South Side 97

Baffoe delivers morethan just good pizzabyBrad Dorng

Tim Baffoe, English teacher

at St. Rita of Cascia High

School, is a man with many

abilities. Other than grading

papers and failing his

students Mr. Baffoe holds a

part time job at Foxs Pizza,

where he delivers their fine

pies. The normal Saturdayevening for Baffoe is very

exciting. He arrives at work,

pumped and ready to deliver

some delicious pizzas to the

people of Beverly and those

other places that dont matter.

But on Friday, October 8

something remarkable

happened to this pizza

delivery man.

It was a dark and rainy night

as Baffoe was driving on his

route, jamming to some Katy

Perry. He was on his way to

deliver to a church event when all

of the sudden he saw something

that shocked him-- an old woman

being robbed. As she kicked and

screamed and tried to hold onto

her bag for dear life, Baffoe

sprung from his car to go and savethe woman (Mr. Baffoe is a black

belt in karate, and also studied

abroad while at college, where he

became a ninja). Now was the

time for Sensei Baffoe to use his

ninja fighting skills and help this

poor little woman in need. He

whipped out his numb-chucks and

started kung-fu fighting with the

robber. Baffoe was delivering a

major beat down to the thug.

When the police arrived, the man

was taken to jail, and the old

woman was very grateful for

what this ninja/teacher/pizza

delivery boy did for her.

Since the event, Baffoe has

begun ninja classes in his

homeroom after The Natir

meetings, and also is trying

to incorporate this martialart into his everyday English

classes. Other than teaching

and delivering pizzas,

Baffoe says, I love to

practice karate. Sometimes I

will stay home on weekends,

or take a day off from work

just to perfect my skills. A

new name, along with a

medal of bravery, has been

awarded to Baffoe as well,

as seen below.

0

This months DYK?

Did you know... Miss Yanez isnt even

Spanish? Wud up wit dat?

NOW AVAILABLE IN THE MUSTANG STORE

BRO. GARY BRAND CAPRI PANTS

CHANNEL 1 3-D GLASSES

SILLY BANDZ

Faculty get in the Halloween spiritby Ryan Mulcahy

Since Halloween is one of the most popular holidays it is no

surprise that the faculty members enjoy it as much as the

students. What you probably dont know is that our very own

faculty members had a huge Halloween bash in the gym the night

of the holiday.

Coach Standring walked into the party dressed as a circus clown

and was given many compliments on all the detail he put into the

costume. In response to all the costume compliments coach said

What costume?

Mr. Kellam went as the cat in the hat, and when asked why he

chose this costume he said, I love Dr. Suess, especially The Cat

in the Hat. Kellam failed to mention his striking resemblance to

the character.

Since Coach OSullivan and Coach Berrys parents wont let

them trick-or-treat alone they decided to team up and pick a

dynamic costume idea--Batman and Robin. After arguing for

several weeks they decided that Coach OSullivan would be

Batman and Coach Berry would be Robin, although at the party

Coach Berry could be heard mumbling, But I want to be

Batman.

Brother Gary was most excited to wear his costume--Mike The

Situation from Jersey Shore. When asked why he chose this

costume he said,So I can get my GTL on, bro!Mr. Conroy decided to show his unitas by gathering up a group

of four other faculty members to join him in his costume idea. He

wanted to go as a Power Ranger but also wanted the whole team

of rangers, so he recruited the helpof Mr. Partacz to be the BlueRanger, Coach Gilbert to be the Black Ranger, Mrs. Blaszak to

be the Yellow Ranger,Ms. Saul to be the Pink Ranger while hewould go as theRed Ranger. When asked why he chose red hesaid Uh, because hes the coolest! Duh.

SR hires Freeman todo announcements

by Mike ONeill

Due to what the school calls a need for

mprovement, St. Rita has hired Academy-Award

winning actor Morgan Freeman as the new voice ofhe morning and afternoon announcements,

pending the results of a physical. The move came

after what many believed to be three subpar years

of announcement reading. Rumors of a shakeup

had been swirling over the summer, but St. Rita

was not able to make a big splash in the free agent

market.

Analysts now put the school as the odds-on

avorite to go all the way. The move comes at the

end of a failed three year rebuilding period which

had students and teachers alike frustrated.

Seriously, man, said Senior Connor Thomas,

like every time theannouncements came on thereader was always like stuttering or something,dude. Its about time we finally got someone in

there who can actually, like, read.

Freeman, known for his many roles in such films

as The Shawshank Redemption and The Dark

Knight, has what many consider to be a

universally-recognizable voice.

I saw the guy in that movie about penguins in

jail where he plays God or something, said

Thomas. The dude is such a bro. Hes got a

sick voice.

Freemans deal is reportedly in the range of 5

years, $65 million with a school option for sixth

and seventh years.

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This past summer St. Rita became a closed campus.

For students that means no more going to CVS,

Subway or, worst of all, McDonalds on 78th and

Western Ave. Students are being denied their

fattening but still delicious food and they are nothappy about their improving health. I would much

rather have my after school Big Mac then be able to

go up the stairs without breaking a sweat, said

sophomore Oscar Mascorro.

The local McDonalds is doing poorly as well seeing

as St. Rita students were 76% of their total income

according to the Better Business Bureau. The severe

drop in sales has forced the local fast food restaurant

to declare bankruptcy.

These students are vital to the thriving of this

business, the manager of the McDonalds said, and

without them we have seen losses in profit, and the

team here has never been worst. Some of the St.

Rita students have speculated that the reason for theclosed campus was not for safety, but instead

because a high ranking St. Rita faculty members

order at the restaurant was wrong, and he or she did

not take it well, thus declaring a closed campus.

THE NATIR OCTOBER 2010 p. 2

Above: an unnamed employee of the 78th

and Western Ave. McDonalds pleads for

business.

Closed campus causes local McDonalds bankruptcyby Charlie Murphy

Have a question, complaint, or odd rash? Send toicantbelieveyouthinkwewouldlistentoyou@thenatir.omg

Dear The Natir,

Thank you for all that you do. I love the paper and how it keeps me informed about the happenings at St. Rita. Do you think you can take my son to soccerpractice on Tuesday? I have some other stuff to do. -Ryan OKeefe

The Natir: Our drivers license is suspended pending some... unpleasantness.

Dear The Natir,

I recently purchased a parrot. That little guy makes quite a mess, so I decided to line his cage with copies of The Natir. Keep up the good work! -DavidWines

The Natir: We do the same thing in our office. Less trips to the bathroom means more productivity!

Dear The Natir,

Do you know if the rats in the schools basement are available for adoption? -Liz Cody

The Natir: Please see Mr. DeCeasar for the proper paperwork. Though, were pretty sure hes partial to the one he calls Jeter.

Dear The Natir,

Would you even consider Batman to be a superhero? Technically, he doesnt even have any superpowers, except for super richness or something like that.-Joe Packer

The Natir: Ask Coach OSullivan. He is Batman. Didnt you read the article on p. 3?

Dear The Natir,

What time does McDonalds stop serving breakfast? Is it 10:30 or 11? -Bob Pearl

The Natir: Ask that kid who always shows up to class after third period.

Dear The Natir,

Do you think you can start printing on a different type of paper? I like to throw bonfires on the weekend and The Natirjust doesnt burn too well. -GlennCody

The Natir: Thats because youre trying to burn your computer, jackwagon. The powers-that-be banned us from hard copies ever since Coach Carroll held a public

burning after our first issue.

Because we believe you should have

feedback, The Natirpresents...

\/\/\/

mailto:icantbelieveyouthinkwewouldlistentoyou@thenatir.omgmailto:icantbelieveyouthinkwewouldlistentoyou@thenatir.omgmailto:icantbelieveyouthinkwewouldlistentoyou@thenatir.omgmailto:icantbelieveyouthinkwewouldlistentoyou@thenatir.omg

8/8/2019 The Natir October 2010

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Packer fans no

longer allowed todress down duringHomecoming Week p.8

By Michael Murphy

In the wake of the greatest economic crisis of his coaching tenure at St.

Rita, head football coach Todd Kuska has been, well, creative in his

effort to cut costs for the football team. A few of his well known penny

pinching tactics have been signing on New Balance as a sponsor and

forcing slave labor upon his players to sell coupon books. Whatever

gets the job done, says Kuska, now in his twelfth year as coach of the

Mustangs.

But as our nation continues to feel the effects of a spiraling economy,

Kuska has been forced to find extra cash for the program in almost any

way possible. His new solution? Silly bands.

The artificial turf field at Doyle Stadium requires tiny bits of rubber,

usually from recycled car tires, to cushion the field. Too expensive,the head coach says. Instead he is taking the Fashion Police approach.

To date, he has confiscated 489 silly bands, chopped them up and

sprinkled the bits all over the field. He took mine while I was sleepingin his class, senior Ben Tomasek tells The Natir.

The question must be begged--why silly bands? At St. Rita, rubber isat an all time high in demand, Kuska said. And those things are so

dumb, I couldnt think of a bigger waste of rubber.

Students have feared this day would come ever since the Livestrongbracelet craze. Many question if Kuska has the authority to confiscate

the bands. Mine was a gift from my little cousin,junior linebackerWill McNamara says. It was shaped like a giraffe and I really liked it.This has to end. The administrationhas in large part turned a blind eyeto the silly band theft by Coach Kuska. The way I see it its either this,or him stealing car tires on Western Avenue, says Fr. Tom McCarthy.

I mean, they are pretty dumb.

One can see the shredded silly bands at work on the field. Amid a

graveyard of multicolored dogs, hearts, palm trees, ponies and other

various shapes, Kuska bounces up and down a couple times and says,

Thisll work. Apathetic to the hardship he has caused people and

their naked wrists, Kuska lives by the quote Whatever gets the job

done.

THE NATIR SPORTSINSIDE:After years of debate, its discoveredthat Akui is actually pronounced SMITH;

Baffoe steps down from Scholastic Bowl to pursue work with terrible newspaper

KUSKAS SOLUTION TO ECONOMIC WOES: SILLY BANDS

Missing idiot XCrunner found in

California p. 8

JR Baskets

wins ESPY p. 8

Abinader achieves Blue Belt;

Miranda fight rescheduled

By Jake LePretreChris Abinader, who left St. Rita

after his freshman year to attend

school at a Buddhist monastery in

remote Sri Lanka, has reportedly

achieved Blue Belt status and is

now only three levels away from

the highly coveted Black Belt.

Readers may recall that Abinaderand St. Rita faculty member Tony

Miranda had agreed to an MMA

fight to be held during last school

years Pride Week. Unfortunately,

though, Abindader sustained a leg

injury during training leading up

to the match and the match was

cancelled. Now apparently

healthy, Abinader is eager to get

into The Octagon with Miranda,

and Miranda shares that desire.

Im up for it, said the Theologyteacher and guidance counselor.

The school community was reallylooking forward to [our match]

last year. I was sorry it didnt

happen then.Miranda says that he has been

practicing new defenses and

counter attacks as he knows the

wily Abinader likes to playpossum by appearing to crybefore suddenly and swiftly

attacking with full force.

Student Government is currently

speaking to the SR administration

about a Spirit Day for this

eventual match to benefit charity.

Foley brothers reportedly beat up cab driverby Jake Spallina

March 27, 2010 is remembered by most St.

Rita students, alumni, and fans, as the day the

Mustang hockey team won their first state title

in almost 30 years. But to the Illinois court

system it is known as the day they arrested two

state championship winning brothers, Dan and

Chris Foley, along with their 23 year old

cousin, Sam Foley.

The Mustangs had just capped off their statechampionship victory performance over

Loyola, winning 31. Who scores the game

winning goal? None other than freshman Chris

Foley. From there things went downhill.

After the boys were done celebrating and ready

to go, Sam Foley invites the younger cousins,

Chris and Dan, to a dinner downtown. The

three boys enjoyed a cab ride to a local

restaurant on the lakefront. Just an average

evening, until it was time to leave.

The three men waited outside of the restaurant

for a cab, and flagged one down and left. As

they were driving, the cab driver noticed that

two of the boys he was driving were the Foley

brothers. The man immediately introduced

himself and asked for an autograph from

younger brother Chris. Chris refused, but

older brother Dan complied.

As they approached a stop light, the cab driver

asked Chris one more time. Chris didn't say

no this time. Instead he began to pummel thecab driver and hisbrother joined in. Righthook after left hook, the boys didn't stop and

the man was helpless. Eventually, Sam Foley

was able to remove the deranged brothers from

the cab. In the early morning, a 911 call was

placed and the police and paramedics showed

up. The boys were taken away and arrested

immediately.

When the reporter asked Mr and Mrs. Foley

about the incident, involving their sons, Mr.

Foley replied, Well at least the boys went out

with a bang. Mrs, Foley was quoted assaying, Boys will be boys. When head

coach Craig Ferguson was asked of the

incident he replied with, Hockey is a roughand tough sport. I'm glad I have 2 players like

that on my team. Father Tom McCarthy

followed up with a brief statement, saying,

I'm proud of my Rita men. This is anothergreat opportunity for some more publicity here

at St. Rita. I couldn't be happier.The Foley's are currently under house arrest,

and are set for trial on November 8th.

Coincidentally, that is also the rematch of the

state final game against Loyola. Coach

Ferguson says, I plan on askingthe judge ifthe boys can come a few minutes late to the

trial, seeing as though isis an importantgame.