The scene opens at a bi-monthly meeting of the National Tobacco(ah) Institute. All of the key players of the industry are in the boardroom.

Pall: This meeting of the National Tobacco Institute will come to order. The first order of business is the proposed name change. For more on that here are Elle and Em.

(Elle and Em walk on holding rolled up poster)

Elle: Hi everybody! Weve been working on a new name for the National Tobacco Institute.

Em: Pending your approval, our new name will be Center for Advancement of Natural Chemical Engineering Research. Or...

Elle and Em: (unraveling poster) CANCER!

Elle: We hope the new name will reflect exactly what the Big Tobacco wants to give the American public. (Applause)

Pall: All in favor, please cough uncontrollably. (All cough loudly) The motion passes. Next order of business, heres (air-quotes) scientist Marlton Buro for our annual update.

Marl: Well Pall, we have again been unable to link cigarettes with any kind of negative health effects. (Applause) That being said, we would like to request more funding.

Winston: Wait just a dag (cough) flaggin (cough) minute, (cough) Mr. Burroh.While youve been in your lab your test tubes, and your chemical vests

Marl: Lab Coats.

Winston: Various scientific garments! We in the tobaccah industry have lost a lot of businesses because these so called scientists. Whatre ya gonna do with that money (mockingly) Marlton?

Marl: We're experimenting to see if tobacco increase immunities in infants.

Winston: You mean youre gonna give cigarettes to babies and tell people its healthy (Marl nods) (Seeming very stern) That is the most(suddenly excited) brilliant idea I have ever heard. Im gonna light one up right now to celebrate. (pulling out cigarette)

Marl: (with mock seriousness) Mr. Winston, this is a no-smoking area.

(All burst out laughing, Marl lights Mr. Winstons cigarette)

Pall: The motion carries! Finally, well hear from our minister of misleading marketing and newly elected senator, Lucius Strike. Take it away Lucky!

Lucky: Ladies, Gentleman, wearers of scientific garments, presenting our new TV spot!

Narrator: Ever since you were a boy, youve wanted your fathers approval. But when you played baseball, you missed the ball.

Jimmy: Hey dad Im gonna hit the ball. (Gets hit with ball) Sorry dad!

Narrator:When you played football, you dropped the pass.

Jimmy: Im gonna catch it. (Trips and falls, missing pass) Sorry dad!

Narrator: And when you went hunting...

(Dad and Jimmy walk through the forest, Dad looks at his foot like hes stepped in something)

Dad: (mildly annoyed) Aw shoot.

(Jimmy fires, Gun-shot sound)

Jimmy: Sorry dad!

Narrator: You shot your father in the kidney. But theres still one thing you can do to make your dad love you; you can smoke cigarettes, just like your dad has since 8th grad.

Jimmy (with cigarette in his mouth): Dad, now I know what it means to be a man. And some day, Im gonna smoke two packs a day!

Dad: Son, you make me so proud.

Narrator: This message brought to you by cigarettes, The Kale you inhale!

Pall: Oh, it appears our President, Joe Camel, has finished early with his failed chemo treatment, and would like to share something with his last breaths.

Joe (coming in on stretcher): I loved the new ad campaign. And I love CANCER! The association not my disease, which by the way, is completely unrelated to smoking. I propose a toast, to CANCER, The American Spirit! (Lifting Cigarette, inhales, dies coughing)

All: (celebratorily) TO CANCER! (Cough through blackout)