The Meaning of Marshmallows Back Up

8/9/2019 The Meaning of Marshmallows Back Up

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The Meaning of MarshmallowsBy: Jade Scott(:

I stared at her, but I wasnt seeing. My heart stopped beating and my train of

thought chugged off the tracks and rammed right into my soul.

Cancer? I repeated.

Honey-

Why did you do this to me!? Why does this always happen?! Cant you do

anything right?!

Do you think this is my fault!? Do you think I tried to do this?

You just cant stand to be-

Whoa, girls! Whats happening?

Nothing. I grumbled trying to wipe away my tears as turned my head. I pull my

fingers back surprised. I wasnt crying.

Jim, Honey? I I have cancer. Terror swept over my Fathers broken face,

How long did they say you have?

Two months, three at the latest.

He said a word unintelligible to my ears. And he left the room. It felt like

he left my life. My sister dying, all the fights they had, the divorce they kept


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threatening to have, and now Cancer? Why did this happen to me? What did I

do wrong? It seems like all I wanted was a normal family, and I got the exact

opposite.

I mean, only three months? At the most? That wasnt fair! I didnt deserve

any of this. I wasnt prepared for any of this. How come all of this had to happen

to me?

Later that day up in my room I sat on the bed without any real purpose. To

spacey to read, and I couldnt focus on my homework if I tried. There was nothing

going around inside my head besides circles. I sighed and feel back against my

pillow and thought about my depressing life.

First, my sister, Anna got pancreatic cancer, just like mom has now. She

died a few months after she was diagnosed. Then mom and dad started fighting.

Over stupid things. Like whether to have green beans or broccoli, Forget the

stupid green beans, then! You never listen to me! And so abruptly they were

going a divorce. Its all Annas fault. I knew that. But I couldnt say it. Now, mom

has cancer.

Cancer is a funny thing. It really is. It makes a person go inside

themselves, when Anna got to sick to go to school Id sit with her and wed play

word games and give each other riddles and what not. When she was sick she

was the nicest sister ever, she cared and she listened about my day and gave


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me advice.

Anna. I say, suddenly serious.

What? She said smugly, the way she answered everything. Like there wasnt

any reason or care in the world. That about her, of all her puzzling things,

puzzled me the most. I mean, she was really sick. Why was she so happy about

it?

Does it hurt, you know, to have cancer? I ask, her eyes pop, and then fall back

into the right shape. She smiled and sort of sighed; her eyes ran down to her

hands, like she had the answers there. It made me look down at my own She

grabbed my hand and I looked up, she smiled and I smiled weakly.

Only when I laugh, I narrow my eyes, she sighed and squeezed my hand, Um,

not physically as much as it does mentally, you know? Like, I know Im going to

die. I know I wont get married or have kids, or go to collage. I dont get to have a

career. And it sucks. But you can, and Im sure you will do all those things. And it

hurts to be jealous of my little sister. And it hurts knowing that Im going to hurt all

my family by dying this way. Im going to miss everyone. That hurts too.

Youre not going to die.

Yes I am.

No, your not!

Yes I am! Im going to die and theres nothing you can do about it you little witch.

Get over it! I let you into my life and all you do is worry about yourself, I shouldve

known better. Go away. I dont want to talk with you anymore.

And I left. I think that was a mistake. I shouldnt have. I shouldve stayed


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and told that I loved her and that she was the best sister ever. But I didnt. And

she died later that week, it was my fault, and the bad fortune of my life now is her

fault.

My older brother, Alec, who probably took the news about Anna the

hardest. He was older than me, younger than Anna. Anna was sort of his life. He

needed her; I was never good enough for him, young and stupid. And when Anna

died. Well, we all died a little with her, but him the most.

Rose. Alec, I turn my head, and see him in the door way, Whats so interesting

about that empty space? he asked, squinting at my blank wall.

That wall is kind of like life.

Yeah? How do you think? He asked in his smarty kind if way, the smug little

smile I used to see spreading across his face, the smugness that he and Anna

shared. I started to wonder, what am I doing?

Well, it starts out blank, and then as we get older and we learn more things we

tack memories and facts to our wall and when it gets to full we take some things

away, and we do it without thinking. And so we dont remember. Because that

one little piece of paper that held the memory fell away

Anna didnt mean what she said that day. I jerked up my head, What are you

talking about?

When Anna exploded at you that day. You remember I know you do. She told


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me that she was afraid and

And..? his eyebrows furred together, And she felt all mixed up inside, she was

proud of you for denying it, because she was too. She was happy that you were

mad. But she was angry that you were angry. She loved you so much, Alec

laughed dryly, I never understood why, you were so incompetent. But I never

paid attention to times like now. What you said about the wall she loved that

about you. She loved it so much. The way you made the simplest things in life

have such a deeper meaning for that time when she was sick, when you two

got so close, she saw the world differently, and I couldnt even do that. I needed

to see things fact wise. But you didnt. And you -not me- made that last week or

two the best of her life. You made her death peaceful Rose, I know you worry

about that. But you shouldnt.

At dinner I ate but I didnt taste my food. (It was peas, not green beans or

broccoli.) I was too busy thinking about Anna. I wish shed told me how she felt. I

wish I could have been there until the very end of her fight. But I wasnt. And that

is something I can never change and will always regret. I wish that we could have

bonded like her and Alec did. I wish I knew why she and Alec bonded so well. I

wish that I could start everything all over and fix every single little problem. But I

cant do that either. The only thing I can do is well, Alec. I look over at him from

across the table. Hes looking at me. I smile at him, and he smiles back. Maybe I

cant just force it on him. Maybe I have to wait for things like my bedroom wall to

pop up. But I didnt want to wait that long.


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As soon as dinner was over and the mindless chatter of mostly my parents

had subsided I fought my gaze to Alec and said, Alec?

Yeah? He says looking up, Can you help my study for his huge test in World

Geography, I have to learn the countries in South America.

Yeah, Ill get some marshmallows. Meet you upstairs.

Thats something Anna and Alec always did, study with marshmallows. I

never understood the meaning of marshmallows, but I couldnt help but smirk as

he dashed to the kitchen, the way he did when Anna asked him.

I popped another marshmallow into my mouth and listened carefully as he

went over each country, Brazil, French Guiana, Suriname, Guyana, Venezuela,

Columbia, Ecuador, Peru, Bolivia, Paraguay, Uruguay, Argentina, Chile, Mexico,

Cuba, Bahamas, Haiti, Dominican Republic, Guatemala, Belize, El Salvador,

Honduras, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Panama, Jamaica, and Puerto Rico. Okay, got

this?

You bet, Okay, thats Chile, Argentina

It went on with studying for about an hour or two and for that hour or two, I

bet that I was Anna, just for a little bit, I could pretend, he could pretend, we could

pretend. That life was perfect and in its place. And that Anna was alive and mom

didnt have cancer.

My alarm clock was shrill, I was shocked awake, a gasp, then a groan as I


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hit the snooze button. Sometimes in the morning Mom or Anna would come in

and make sure I got up.

They had different ways of doing it, but over all, it had the same affect.

Mom would come in, hair brushed out long but in tangles, the smell of

dads shaving cream and cologne, and then the smell of her mom-ness. Sort of

like a warm blanket that wraps around you every morning. Because every

morning, shed come in and put her arms around me, and hold me for a second.

And Id just stay in her arms; it was the best part of the morning.

And when Anna came to wake me up she would be dressed and ready,

the smell of her candy perfume strong but sweet. Shed brush some of the hair

from my face and run her fingers through it, she said she was jealous every

morning that she came in, rather to her self when not to me, Golden blonde.

shed sigh, and Id whisper, Id kill for your brown hair, dont be jealous,

Shush up, Blondie. That never changed, until she got sick. And everything

changed.

I wondered if mornings would change if Mom gets as sick as Anna did. But

in the middle of my worrying my mom cracked open the door and tip toed to my

bed.

I threw my arms up, eyes still closed as I heard her come in; she chuckled


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softly to herself at me and held me in her arms. I snuggled into her embrace,

wishing that I could be small again.

Do you think your getting to old for this? She whispered, instead of flashing

open my eyes and asking her what her problem was, which would go something

like, Well, if you dont want to come in every morning then dont.

I just figured that your getting so big and its childish, you need to stop being

childish.

Oh, so now Im childish?

But instead I sighed and said, Sorry Charlie. Not even close. She

laughed and gave me a hug and a kiss.

Ill make pancakes, okay?

Okay, Ill be right down.

There was something about her tone of voice, soft and caring. Especially

in the morning when we had to talk quieter because of people sleeping. Her

voice was like the sun peeking threw the windows shades, saying hello was the

birds singing to the sun about the wonders of the new day to come.

I slip down the stairs as mom slides the pancake onto my plate. I smile at

her and sit down.


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I smear syrup onto my pancake and started to eat.

Howdy, Family, Alec says cheerfully, for what seems like the first time ever

since Anna died. Mom recovered quicker than I did, she smiled and gave him a

pancake, but I stared at him a minute more, when I looked away he asked, Tell

me if you ace the test.

Will do. I smiled at him, then looking down at my plate.

I heard the syrup bottle wheeze and the clinks and clanks of the fork and

knife against the plate, a minute or two later he sighed and said, This was good

mom.

Want anymore? Theres plenty.

Nah, Im good. He picked up his plate and let it fall into the sink gently, he

looked at the table as if it disappointed him, like the table wobbled, even after

tried and tried to fix it, he had tried, sure but he didnt take the effort to fix it. He

didnt think it was worth his time. And then I realized that he had never tried to fix

the table. It was never broken. And then I wondered if I was insane. So I decided

to go up and ask him.

Whats wrong with the table? It surprised me that he wasnt surprised, I dont

know I guess it wasnt what I expected.

Well, what do you expect?

I think it was something along the lines of perfect everyday family values. But I

didnt get that feeling; it felt too early and awkward.


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Its family, Alec. Its supposed to be awkward, or else it wouldnt be right.

What do you think about the table? Or well, what did you think I thought?

I thought that you looked at it like you expected more from it. As if youd given up

the time to try to make things work but evening out the legs didnt work, because

it still wobbled. And then I though that you did take time to try to fix, but you didnt

use effort. You thought you were too good for the table and you didnt know why

you wasted the time on it. And so, it wobbled. Because you wasted time, you

didnt use it. And then, I realized youre a horrible woodsman and figured that I

must be crazy.

Youre not crazy. Wait, no, yeah. Yeah you are. Totally crazy. Tell me about the

test when you get home, its almost time for you to leave.

Okay, see you.

And, by the way?

Yeah?

Youre right time and effort there different things, I Even though youre

crazy. Youre still right.

I thought so I smirked, Get out of here! Alec laughed, throwing the pillow.

That was hard for him to hear, I thought, and even harder to admit to.

Brava, Alec, and I thought he needed to hear it so I said loud enough but soft

enough to know that he was listening, Brava, Alec. Star performance. I heard

him laugh behind the closed door, I smiled at myself, feeling rather proud and

whole and then I had to rush out of the house to get to school.


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Barely made it. The bus driver smiled, his crooked teeth almost shifting, I run

my tongue over my own and then laugh, But I did. He chuckled along with me,

Right again, Rose.

I went to take my seat and immediately turned to look out the window. I let

my mind wander

Hey, wow, cold out, isnt it? I jumped at the sound of Minas voice, but

then I smile, Freezing.

God, I hate winter.

You said you loved it last summer. I reminded her, she waved her hand

dismissively, and Favorites change all the time. Only yours dont.

I like to be careful when I pick things, if someone asked my favorite color I would

say purple to be consistent even if my favorite color for the day is yellow. Do you

understand?

Predictable is your middle name.

You know my actual middle name dont you?

No, what is it?

Constance.

Which sounds a lot like constant?

Yeah


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Rosemary Constance Ringel.

Yeah We burst out in laughter and laughed all the way to school, theoretically.

The day took forever like expected, my last period was the test, and I

didnt want to wait, but I did miraculously. And when the test popped up, I was

ready. I aced it.

I skipped home, and Alec smiled at me, How was the test?

Great, aced it.

I thought you would, you wanna grab a movie with me and some friends?

What movie? I ask, suddenly cautious.

Oh, I dont remember the name, some comedy he said, smiling to himself at

my being uncomfortable.

Are you sure you want me there, I have a bad laugh.

Please, snorting is cute. Anna thought so.

Anna had a girly, giggly laugh. She didnt snort like a constipated pig. Alec

laughed, Im sure I want you there, all my friends do too. So come.

Okay. I need to change though.

Alright, were leaving around six.

I sprinted up to my room and changed into skinny jeans and a tank top. I

brushed out my hair from its ponytail and then started to worry.


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Alec was cool. He had cool friends; he was a year older than me. And I

was scared to death. What if they didnt think I was cool enough?

I was reading and stretching out my gum with my fingers when someone

knocked on my door, Come in.

Alec and one of his friends were at my door, Alec smiled and the other guys eyes

popped, I smiled at him, and he got red.

Hey, this is Cole. Were going to leave soon.

Is that your sister? Cole asked, Hi there. I smiled at him, Hi, he stammered.

Yes, thats my sister. Alec rolled his eyes at me, I did my crinkle-nosed smile at

him and he laughed.

I got up and tossed my book onto my bed, I need to find my shoes

Well meet you downstairs,

After throwing on my yellow converse and feeling really cool for the first time I

bounded down the stairs.

A lot of his friends met us at the movies. Everyone said my laugh was

cute, and Cole sat next to me, in the dark his hand was on my knee the whole

time.

He leaned over and whispered into my ear, I like you.


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I laughed, Okay. He chuckled and rolled his eyes, maybe I killed his sprit.

I dont think that my brother has ever been so pleasant, its unbelievable, I

missed out on him for so many years, and hes utterly hilarious!

When we got home Dad was sitting worriedly at the kitchen table. He was

slouched over and his fingers were interlocked and pressed to his forehead, he

looked up, with dark circles under his eyes and scanned over us exasperatedly,

Welcome back. How was your trip?

Wheres mom?

Shes having stomach problems at the moment. Cramps. Soreness.

Will she be okay?

Yeah, I think Dads eyes got wet he stared at the vase at the kitchen table,

Dad. I walked over to him and put my arms around him, he turned to hug me

and started to cry, I love her, I do, I love her so much. I never want to leave her; I

dont want her to leave me. I cant stand what will happen to this family. Dad

whispered, Family? Alec asked, How is this mess a family? Alecs voice rising.

Families are the definition of a mess. Your smart, Alec, real, real, smart. How

could you not know that? Dad asked, I know a lot, but not everything, Dad.

Come on.

I think you know more than you give yourself credit. You know a lot more than

me, Alec. Come on.

Alec snorted and Dad rolled his eyes, and ever since Alec was born he

was interested in three things, being smart, Anna, and being the opposite of a


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jock and still being the coolest person just to make Dad tick. So the eye rolling

and the snorting was their way of saying that, nothing was okay. Nothing would

be fine. But that they have each other and theyll accept it, they didnt notice that.

I did.

Your mother arranged those Daisies. She has a way of doing it to wear the pink

evens out with all the other colors, even though there are more of them. Without

her nothing would be even anyone. Everything would be upside-down and

there would be too much of this and not of that. Things will fall apart.

Moms not going to leave us, Dad. Dont worry. Anyways, those Daisies are

against nature. There was obviously a reason why there is more pink than yellow,

or orange. And the Daisies are out of season. They shouldnt even be alive.

Is there a reason all of these terrible things happen to this family? Are we

against nature?

No, Alec said, It against nature that we feel sorry for ourselves instead of

appreciating what we have.

Your right, Alec. But it hurts to be thankful when you have all the things to be

ungrateful and unfortunate for.

You cant see how privileged we are.

Whats privileged about his mess, Alec? This is horrible, this is a disaster, it isnt

fair, it shouldnt happen to me, or my family! What did I do wrong? What made

me deserve this?


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I dont know. But lets make it better. Okay? Lets pretend that were all dying,

lets pretend that we need to make our lives worth living before we throw them

away feeling sorry for ourselves.

Go to bed, Alec, Rose. Youre giving me a migraine.

I turn to leave, and so does Alec, we both dont want to argue. But as I left

I had to say one thing, If you want to be alone because you needto be alone.

Youre wrong, no one should be alone. Were a family, you even said so. So Alec

was right and you need to think about dont you? Because its not about daisies,

or being even, or appreciating, or forgetting or living to be worthy of living. It

about working threw the obstacles we face. But, as scary as it all sounds.

Remember that obstacles sound a lot like popsicles. And theres nothing deeper

than that besides they melt away, and make things sweeter, even if their sticky.

Whether you notice or not.

Go to bed, already. I turned and went up to bed after Alec, and into my room I

sat there and meant to think things through. But I fell asleep.

There was a light knock on my door, Id been up for hours, but mom never

came, so I didnt want to get up.

Come in. I said, and Alec peeked open the door, then slipped in and closed it

behind him. He was still in his p.j. pants and a white t-shirt, ready for a lazy


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Sunday. But I was still in bed, Someone has to wake you up, so I decided that I

should he said a little uncomfortably, sitting down by me on the bed.

I dont think we need to make our lives anymore worth of living, I think its near

perfect. I say softly but matter-of-fact.

And maybe she got more pink Daisies on purpose?

She thought that there needed to be more of them. They should be alive

anyways.

I think they might be fake, anyways.

Fake? Mom never gets fake Daisies, she doesnt believe in it.

Maybe she was tiered of throwing them away. Maybe she was sick of watching

them die.

Everything dies I murmured.

You know obstacles are like popsicles, right? Their sticky and sometimes hard to

handle but they all melt away in the end and make things sweeter.

Hey, lets make some breakfast.

Alec laughed dryly; the way he did when he was in his thinking about

something mood, but didnt move, I grabbed my brush and worked threw the

tangles. He looked down at his hands, so looked at his too, and then mine. He

saw me and grabbed my hand, It will all work out, I promise. Everything will be

fine.


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A part of me was going to tell him that he was lying, but I couldnt because

I wanted to believe him so bad that I just did.

We went downstairs and we tried to make breakfast without catastrophe.

Pancakes are really hard to make, we have the recipe box and the ingredients,

but its all totally home-made. So we added strawberries to the mix, and I had to

tell Alec that you had to cut them first.

Okay, Alec started, Pancakes,

Check. Orange Juice,

Check, Milk,

Check-a-roo, and What about omelets, you make the best.

I do suppose I do

Just make them okay? I laughed while I said it to show that I thought his

confidence in omelets was ridiculous, and it was, but it was Alec. And Alec is

ridiculous.

Alec laughed, and I laughed, and he made omelets. And sooner or later,

be it either the clatter of the pots and pans, or the smell of our fantastic feast

(Not!) our parents wandered into the kitchen.

Kids? Dad asked carefully, Yeah, dad?

Are you two okay?


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Yep! Want some?

Actually thats not a question, its us telling you. We made a lot!

Bring it on! Dad said, throatily, and sat down at the table, in his usual spot,

which made me smile and think about the poster in the library, it was a picture of

a boy with a puppy and it said, Everyone needs there own spot.

Lets get a puppy.

Moms eyes lit up, so did Alecs and dad saw Mom look happy and he

smiled, Lets get a puppy. Dad copied me, But we need breakfast first. Then

well go to the pet store and then the shelter?

Yes!

Our breakfast was awesome, obviously. And we all had to change,

because we were covered in flower and eggs, and whatever else, and we were

all in our pajamas.

It was getting warmer. So I put on some shorts and a short-sleeved shirt.

And then a sweater with a big pocket in the front for my cell phone and my

twitchy, sweaty, fingers. A puppy? What am I getting my family into? A puppy, my

mom is sick. But Alec promised. Everything will be okay, he knows close to

everything. And hes almost never wrong.


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I was walking down the stairs and trying to put up my hair when Alec came

from behind me and said, The puppy idea is a good one, your smart. Perfect

logically illogical.

Yeah, I guess it was I just because I remembered the poster in the library, the

one of the boy in the country side with the dog? It said that everyone needs their

own spot, and Dad sat down in his spot and I knew.

Can I see that ponytail for a minute?

Sure...?

I handed him my ponytail and he stretched in his fingers for a minute and

shot it over the banister, Hey!

Leave your hair down, it looks pretty.

He walked past me on the stairs into the kitchen, so Im perfectly logically

illogical and my hair looks pretty down. Well.

Mom was wearing pants and a blouse, her make-up was done but I

realized how tiered she looked, how sick, maybe it was because I was with her

all the time that I noticed. But it still scared me to think that she was changing

already. It took Anna a bit longer to look that way. I shivered and Dad ushered me

into the backseat with Alec. I sat next to him and I guess I looked worried,

because he raised an eyebrow and I shot my glance quickly to mom and back,


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he squeezed my shoulder, I promised. he mouthed so they wouldnt hear, I

smiled, and he laughed and rolled his eyes.

The shelter smells like pee and wet dog, but the barks and whines seem

like their going out to you specifically. The lady at the front desk smiled at us, she

was wearing pants with muddy paw prints on it and a ASPCA shirt on, he hair

was piled onto her head I a bun, but some of the hair was slipping out, she had

really pretty caramel hair like Anna did. Only this girls was lighter, How can I

help you folks today?

We want to adopt a dog.

Okay, thats great, did you know that were a no-kill shelter, Im so glad, Arent

you? Well, is there any kind of dog youre specifically looking for?

No, were just going to see what dog we think is for us.

Okay, then follow me!

She led us down the hallway with walls made dog cages.

We met Lilly, a little pug, bet then we met an Australian Sheppard, she

was black and white and brown. And the sweetest little thing Id ever seen.

She just got here this morning, shes had all her shots and everything, shes only

about three months old, and shes, like, really cute, right?

Yeah. Shes adorable, does she have a name?

Hmm, uh- She flipped threw the pages of a clipboard on the cage, Daisy.


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Well take her. Dad, Alec, and I said in unison.

Daisy and Rose. Alec observed, in the car after wed gone to pet-co for toys,

food, a dog bed, and a leash and collar, I laughed at him, and Daisy stirred in my

lap with a whimper, Hush hush.

Its just a coincidence.

Nothing is a coincidence anymore.

I guess your right.

Daisy and Rose

Alec and Daisy Sounds just as cute. He snorted trying not to smile.

After we got Daisy home she ran around the house a couple hundred

times, and chewed on my moms high heels. Then she collapsed onto the couch.

I picked her up and carried her upstairs and put her in the dog bed, and covered

her with a blanket.

When I got downstairs, Cole and his friend Tyler were at the door, Rose!

Cole pulled me into a hug, too long, too low, and too tight, I laughed at him and

Tyler hugged me too, even though I barley knew him.

As a nervous habit of all us teens, Tyler pulled out his phone and started


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to text away. My pocket buzzed, I plucked it from my pocket and read his text,

Cole is soooo obsessed with you! I laughed but didnt look at because everyone

would know, He doesnt have a chance.

No?

Definitely not. Ew.

Cole and Alec were going on about something that was totally wicked

when I heard Daisy whimpering from upstairs, Oh! Thats Daisy, I better go see

what she needs. I can hear her crying.

Whos Daisy? Cole was staring at me so intently I could cry, he looked so hard

he was about to burst, I shuddered and continued.

Our puppy, we got her today. She tuckered herself out earlier but I guess shes

up now.

I ran away from Coles stare and any other questions, and I knew Alec

saw the fear I had for Cole in my eyes. I dont think Alec appreciates it either.

Maybe I should say something

I climbed the steps with a quick stride full of purpose. When I reached to

top Daisys whimpers were loud enough to track.

Daisy? Baby, whats wrong? I asked in my puppy voice, she whimpered again

and threw a paw over her eyes and peaked though. I laughed, Aw, the puppy

just wants some love. I scooped up Daisy in my arms and held her close; she


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was warm with steady breathing that I wished could keep rhythm to everything,

because nothing was steady anymore. I sank down to the floor with her in my

arms; I stroked her soft fur and wished I could be a part of the wall, so I told her,

I wish I could be a part of the wall, a part of the house. I wish I were a window, I

wish that I could just watch things and see the dilemmas, not have to live threw

them.

I think that everyone has there own window. Your window, the one you

look threw is the way that you see life, the way you view things, your perspective.

You are looking threw a window, but your not one yourself. You cant separate

yourself from the world and turn into a window. If there were no windows, there

would be no doors. And every life needs a door or two. Life isnt life without them.

I once heard that life is the big picture, be your own frame. Should I be

the frame, or the picture? Should I be in life fully? Should I be in that picture, or

should I outline, or frame life with my ideas, and stories, and presence?

All this does is confuse me, should I be a window, door, picture or frame?

You should be a painting that goes over the lines and onto the frame, that you

have to open a door and look threw a window to see.

I turned to Tyler, Why are you here? How long have you been here?

I was supposed to check on you, I was here since you slid down on the floor.

Well, you know Im crazy now, so what do you need? I admit I was being pretty


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snobby, but that was super personal, talking to yourself is a personal thing.

Because if it werent personal you would tell an actual person, not just yourself. I

tell myself things because I dont backstab myself, or do I?

Stop being so defensive, let your guard down a little, you have beautiful words.

And you dont want to share them because they mean a lot, and someone

tearing them apart by criticism would tear you, wouldnt it?

How do you know everything? I sighed

I think that I wouldnt want to be a window, frame, door, or picture. I would want

to be my own thing, if everyone else was a window or a door, frame or picture,

nothing would make me unique. I would want to be an apple then, something that

is practical, and gives substance.

I dont think that works either, you see when everyone see you being an apple,

theyll be apples to.

Then Ill be a boat and sail oceans away from those people, and Id let them be

apples, while I sailed free without limits, you know, letting the tide take me.

What if they become boats then too?

How about you tell me!?

Well, I think that I would be a lamp, to give light and decoration.

What if they become lights then? What will you do?

I will become the breeze, for there is only one breeze and no one else can be it


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as well, and I would run over all the lands, inspecting the lives of the windows,

doors, paintings, frames, apples, boats, and lights.

What makes you think that there is some of each type, how do you know that

not all of them are lights or boats?

I dont know that, but there are always the few who stay true to who they are, or

who they are set out to be. There may not be anymore apples, but I bet that

there a lamp saying to its self, Most of my shadows are casted by standing in

my own light. That lamp is wishing its an apple while the boat is wishing it was a

lamp so it could shine.

Dont you think that being an apple would put the lamp into a bigger light? It

would be one of the only ones.

Its unique.

Theres no winning with you.

So Ive heard. I laughed, and I thought he was going to kiss me, and I would

have let him.

Hey! Tyler, stop stealing my sister.

I smiled up at Alec and then let the smile fall at Cole, but he kept on

smiling, Your telling me the details, missy. But later.

Speaking of later, Tyler said, sighing and getting to his feet.

Its later Cole, wed better go.


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Oh! Yeah, well see you guys later?

Yeah. See you! I put down the rambunctious Daisy and hug Cole and Tyler, And

Alec and I wave them off.

What were they here for, anyways?

I dont know, Alec said softly, staring into space, Alec, He doesnt look up,

Whats so interesting about that empty space? I asked smugly, he looked up

and smiled, Its like life.

Hmm,

You should know, youre the one who taught me. Now, tell me about this apple

oranges thing.

Dinner is a whole lot more interesting when theres a dog whining at your

feet and nipping at your ankles. Were not aloud to give Daisy any human food,

so I had given her food before we even started setting the table. But she wouldnt

eat it. She sure ate her treats though. I asked Alec and he told me to mix the dry

food with water and then give it to her, and it did the trick.

Dinner was laughing and joking and fun, but tomorrow was Monday and

we all had the look in our eyes that was either worried for mom or scared to start

the week.


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I helped clear the table and Alec grabbed my arm, You would need any

help in studying, now would you? He asked smugly, which just made me laugh,

You get the marshmallows, Ill get my books, and I need to study for science.

That night, I couldnt sleep. I wish that I didnt have to go to school

tomorrow. I wish obstacles were like popsicles, I wish theyd melt away and I

wouldnt have to worry. But there sticky and melt slowly. And Im not feeling the

sweet affect.

I heard Daisys whimpers and scratches at my door, I got out of bed and

opened the door, she wagged her tail and jumped up, and putting her paws on

my shins, Just tonight, Daisy. Just tonight. I had a feeling that theory would not

last long, she reached her nose up and licked me, as a thank you, I guess.

I climbed back into bed and fell asleep with Daisy in my arms.

My mom opened the door and swept into the room, I sat up, Feeling

better?

Yes, honey, its okay. Dont worry.

She sat down on my bed and held me, I think that it will all be okay if

nobody worries and we all just let the tide take us. I snorted, she laughed and


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then I laughed. Daisy whined behind me.

I have something for you. I sat up straighter. And smiled broadly, Here,

let me go get them. I nodded and she smiled and left. In the time she was gone;

I cracked my knuckles and stroked Daisys soft ears.

She reentered the room with her hands behind her back, Okay, two

things, I was waiting to give them to you, I just didnt know the right time

She sat on my bed again and pulled her hands from behind her, there she

held a small perfume bottle and the stuffed, worn yellow bunny Anna slept with; I

reached out and ran my hand over the yellow bunny, They were Annas. I

thought you would want them, the Bunnys name is Bunny, but you can rename it

if you like. Thats the perfume she always used. Do you like them?

I nod meekly; she hugged me and smiled, Good, Im going to make breakfast.

I get on my clothes, and brush threw my hair, I sprayed the perfume and

smiled, it reminded me. But then I got sad, she was gone. I couldnt replace her.

Was I trying to? Not knowingly, until now. But you know what; I think that its okay

to be like her without replacing her. Anna would want in that way. So I sucked up

my tears into the pool in my heart and went downstairs.

It was eggs, and I smiled remembering yesterday and how Alec made the

best. I laughed out loud; mom turned around and raised an eyebrow, They just

threw me out of the Loony Bin. She laughed with me, and Alec came downstairs,


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Eggs. He noticed, and then smiled at me; he chuckled a little under his breath

and sat down next to me.

We were talking, but there wasnt anything to what we were saying. Even

though there were words, there wasnt meaning. And then the light bulb above

my head flickered, what was the meaning of marshmallows? I wasnt going to

ask just yet, but I would eventually.

Hey Rose! Earth to Rose!

What?

Youve been so quiet today, is everything okay? I looked at Mina, her brown hair

and porcelain ivory face, nothing was okay, I wanted to answer, but it would all be

fine. If that makes any sense.

Yeah, no. Im good. Fine. I promise.

Okay, come on, lets get some lunch.

Yeah, right behind you.

Better be. She muttered, and I laughed at her. But I only laughed because it I

wasnt laughing I would be spilling everything and crying. So I scuttled quickly

behind my best friend, whose top dilemma was whether to wear a skirt or shorts

tomorrow. But I guess its good to have friends who dont have problems and are

simple-minded. Maybe Mina would understand if I explained it to her enough.


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Which would sound like this:

Mina, listen to me. My sister is dead. And we all loved her. Were falling

apart, this family is. And now my mom has cancer. If she dies, nobody knows

what will happen this family. Dont you understand? I wouldnt have anyone left,

except for Alec. But what will happen to Alec? Were all falling apart and trying to

hold together everything with these little strips of hope, but they get thinner

everyday. And-

ROSE!!

I turn my head toward Mina, who is livid, STOP ZONING! Youre so

weird

Im in the middle of something Mina, please.

Well, okay. But you need to decide what to wear, because we should match

without really matching, okay? Like, Im going to wear a skirt, so you should wear

a skirt but not a blue jean one like me And she went on and on, poor ignorant

Mina. Life is hard; its not skirts and shorts. But, when you preoccupy yourself

with things like that life turns into jello, into marshmallows. But life is really like

blocks, you have to build them. And their rock solid. I nod and pretend to care

what Mina is saying, I dont know what Id do without Mina. Even if I dont what to

do with her either.


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When I got home, I realized how happy Alec was, and, there really isnt a

good reason to be super happy like that. I mean, he was hummingthe Ringel

family, cant sing. And homework is not that fun, Hey, Alec? I ask, cautious, he

looks up and smiles, Yeah, Rose? he was mocking me in a friendly way so I

would smile, so I did, Whats up? Are you on happy pills or something?

He laughed, and then shook his head, Things are broken and falling

apart, Anna is dead and Mom is dying, thats all I can think about, this sucks. It

really does. But Im not going to have Mom forever, even though she wont die.

Shell get sick, and I have to make the best of it before its taken away from me

and dont have the chance to be happy with it, understand?

Is it kind of like when you wake up and its raining and cloudy and cold, even

when your counting on the sun and you suddenly think about people in Arizona,

and feel like you should you be happy, Because youre blood isnt boiling every

time you leave the house.

Its exactly like that, and you would know, of all the people in the world, youre

the one whos going to know, and really, really understand.

Do you know I love you? It feels weird and it sounds weird to say to you,

because youre my brother, and Im supposed to love you, but a lot of people just

like their siblings because they have to, but I really love you. I mean, I really do.

When I think about you and Anna my chest gets tight, and I thought I hated you,

but I was just jealous.


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I love you too.

Good, lets study.

Ill get the marshmallows.

Just as we finished going over the different parts of the atom, I started to

play with the marshmallow in my fingers, What? Alec asked, Im confused

About what?

Everything. I dont even know anymore, everything is wheres mom?!

We had been studying an hour or so after I got home, Mom should be

home, she gets home before Dad does, and dad was on his way, Oh, I dont

know- Call- Call- Mom, Ill Dad! Alec yelled eyes suddenly wide and worried, I

jumped of the bed and Alec followed, the marshmallows flew and scattered

across the room, I grabbed the phone and dialed Moms number, it rang, and

rang, then finally, Hi-

Oh, mom! Im so gla-

Sorry, Im not here right, now. But leave a message! Ill get back to you soon!

No luck? Alec asked, I gulped as I shook my and handed the phone to Alec who

dialed Dads number.

Dad- Alec listened, What? I- what? He listened, Just a sprained ankle? He


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waited a minute longer, Oh, then he laughed dryly, almost sickly, like his chest

was sandy and dusty and cracked and he was trying laugh but he just couldnt.

He hung up the phone.

What? What happened Alec!?

Mom passed out, its a side affect, along with week bones, and twisted her

ankle, they thought it was broken, and so dad got called and left work to get her

to the hospital, shes fine.

Hmmpf. he nodded in agreement, I was so scared. He murmured, Me too. I

muttered.

But its good that shes okay, right? By this time, we were both looking at the

marshmallows, what was the meaning of marshmallows?

Hey Rose? Whats the meaning of marshmallows? I feel like they stand for

something, and if anyone would know it would be you.

I look up, surprised and then I laugh and shake my head, I was just about

to ask you the same thing.

You have any theories?

Yeah, one. You?

One.

Okay.

You first,


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Yeah, well, I think that when people stop taking things seriously, and forget that

life is forever, and you only get one they start worrying about silly things, things

like skirts or shorts. And when you do that life turns into a sort of jello, a

marshmallow. I guess, but life is really like blocks, blocks that you build up, and

blocks are solid, solid as rock. Rock is hard, so is life.

Youre building up a wall that you tack memories to?

Yeah. Thats life.

Its funny, because I thought that marshmallows were for people who take things

too seriously. They need to learn how to have fun, kick back, and be silly. And

marshmallows are plain fun, arent they?

Yeah. I guess they are,

I guess well never know the real meaning of marshmallows.

Never.

But neither of us was in the mood to be happy, or anything. I was so sure

mom had gotten really sick, or something terrible. I helped pick up the

marshmallows and then we heard the front door open and my mom and dad

laughing?

Alec and I both raised an eyebrow and sure enough, we looked over the

banister, and they were both having fits they were laughing so hard.


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Oh, kids. Mom stifled a giggle then continued, Lets go get some pizza.

Alright?

We both nodded unsurely and went downstairs, Dad, still laughing tried to

say, And I trust you kids have done your homework? but he laughed too much it

didnt really sound that way, but we both understood so we nodded. And I could

see Alec cracking a smile the way I was to so I stopped trying to hide it and

smiled.

Pizza was great and we had lots of fun, mom only limps a little bit, but dad

is usually supporting her anyways.

Mom and I shared a cheese pizza while Alec and Dad shared some kind

of meaty, beefy, ham, pineapple stuff. I was glad mom likes just cheese. It was

really fun to just be normal family, or at least a semi-normal family, aside from the

limp.

And I guess we were pretending because when I got home reality hit me

hard. Mom passed out at work, she has week bones, and stomach pains. Things

were getting vivid. Things were getting worse. Not the worse that you can fix. Not

the worse that you can make better. The worst that isnt a level of how bad

something is its the kind of worse where it gets to the point where it cant get any

worse. And then on top of it, its all permanent. Everlasting. Forever. It will never

change. If mom dies. She will stay dead and I wont wake up one morning and


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find her, I would never find her. Because people who die stay dead. And that

doesnt magically exclude me. No matter how much I wish it would.

I was sitting up in my room and pulled out the dictionary and looked up

marshmallows, which came back as, A soft spongy candy, But right under it

was marsupial, then I looked up Alec, but the only thing remotely close was

Alecto, which is, in Greek mythology is one on of the three furies. Hmm. But right

under that was alee, which is sheltered, shielded. Well if you want something to

ponder.

That morning, mom doesnt come into my room, but it doesnt really matter

because Ive been up all night. It still hurts to know that someone I love and

depend on is slipping away. Constantly, just sliding farther and farther away from

where I am. Its like that dream where you cant run. Just sit and watch.

Dad knocks, I know because I know his knocks, just lazy and loud, Come

in. He pushes open the door, Mom cant come in shes feels ill, and her ankle

make sure to wake your brother, and if you could make breakfast? He asked

hopefully, and hungrily, Sure dad, no problem. Even thought deep down I was

hurt he didnt even say good morning, Good, thanks, Rose. Youre a life saver. I

smile, I know.

He leaves and I get out of bed, Daisy whines and paws at the spot where I

was, you see, she slept with me again, but just this once, or twice, Sorry, Daisy. I


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have to get ready, I got dressed and brushed my hair put on a little of Annas

perfume. I walked into Alecs room and lightly brushed his shoulder, Alec, wake

up. he blinked open his eyes and took a deep breath, then his eyes flashed

open, Anna! He threw his arms around me, No its Rose.

Oh. I- I guess I thought-

No its okay.

Alec looked like he was about to cry, I have something for you. Ill be right

back. he nodded weakly and looked out his window. I went into my room and got

the yellow bunny. I sprayed it with Annas perfume and brought it in behind my

back, What do you have? Alec asked, I pulled my hands from behind my back

and gave it to him, Bunny,

Annas bunny?

I thought you would want to have it.

I do, thank you.

Mom was feeling ill, dad says, and her ankle is hurting, dad says. So Im going

to make breakfast.

Sit here with me.

I sat, Are you okay Rose?

I glared out the window but my eyes brimmed with tears, He didnt even say

good morning.


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Alec hugged me and I cried, Good morning, He whispered. I laughed,

and then sniffled.

He sat me up, with his arm around my shoulder, What are we going to do

about this morning thing?

I dont know. But I have to start the bacon.

Come on, now. What should we do? We need some plan.

There should be a plan I agreed softly.

How about every other week, so this week, its you, next week, its me.

What about leap years, then the days will be uneven. Or vacations?

We could skip and come back or, just work on threw, I dont know how it works.

Ive only woken you up once.

It will all be fine. I have to make breakfast though,

Yeah, well switch that off too

I got up and turned to leave, But what about weekends!?

Goodness, can you make an effort to let the tide take you? I exclaimed, and he

laughed, and I left to start breakfast.

I made bacon, toast and eggs, Alec came down and ate away, and then


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dad came and ate quickly, Should I bring some to mom? I asked, he smiled and

then said, Ill do it. By the way, good morning.

Alec choked on his orange juice and started to cough, I smiled, and looked

back at dad, who was puzzled but just took the plate, Good morning to you too,

dad! Alec shouted after him, Nice. I laughed; It startled me. he shrugged,

wryly.

Yeah, right. I loved how I could just be me with my brother. I loved how easy it

was to just be with him and laugh with him. I loved how the word brothersounds.

I had to run to catch the bus again, naturally.

Barely made it, The bus driver smiled, But I did. I answered smugly.

Right as always Rose.

For some reason, I was feeling tremendous. Mina sat next to me and I

smiled at her, So youre still not in your right mind?

No, not that I ever was.

Are you sure youre okay? Youre changing as a person.

For better or worse?

Better and worse, Im losing my quiet, good-natured logical friend, but Im


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gaining a friend with substance, someone who will stand up for whats right. What

ever is happening, Im better off not knowing, and you know that. But its

changing you for the better.

You know, its perfectly logically illogical that obstacles in life are like popsicles.

There sticky, but they melt and have a sweet affect.

Rosemary Constance Ringel. Youre a strange one.

School is school and that is the way its always been. My 4/5 block is

Comm. Arts. And the teacher pulled me aside and asked, Are you okay? Youve

been sort of bipolar lately. Not to mean or anything. Ms. Howe was younger and

she wasnt married, so I laughed because it wasnt creepy. Coming for her, but

for any other teacher it would be a red flag.

Everybody has ups and downs.

Yeah, I know. But usually youre a soft-spoken girl, but lately, you either go silent

or smile too much, or I dont know. Is there anything going on at home?

Well, yeah. I couldnt lie, she looked interested so I added, and Dont you think

that everyone does though? I mean, if there isnt anything going on nothing is

happening and thats a dysfunctional family.

Good insight. But just tell me whats going on.

I dont want to have to go to the counselor. Not that I have a reason too.

Your just making me worried,

Its not a problem, please. Just believe me. She pursued her lips, and walked


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away. I let out a breath I didnt know I was holding. I stood on place. Should I

have told her? No, I could just tell people that. Or should I tell someone?

Mina lightly touched my shoulder, I turned, Your hair looks pretty. She

said, leading me out of the classroom, Lets go to lunch. She added I followed.

I dont know what Id do without you, Mina.

Me neither, even if I dont know what to do with you now. I laughed and followed

her to lunch.

How was school? Mom asked the second I walked in, he hair was

getting stringy I noticed and her face was skinny and her eyes were red and

swollen, she looked yellow and blotchy all over. And she hadnt changed out of

her pajamas so she hadnt gone to work. But she didnt look in shape to.

How are you? I asked, she shrugged, I hope I didnt startle you this morning.

My ankle was hurting and-

It okay. Just as long as youre okay.

I am.

Good.


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Good. Your brother is upstairs, I- he wont talk to me. Can you please try to

reason with him? Uh-oh.

Yeah, I say, dropping my book bag. Her eyes are so worried I cant help but feel

sorry for her. What about her? I just thought about me, this must be really, really

hard for her. I reach out and pat her hand, then sprint upstairs.

Alec? I ask cautiously, Alec appears in the doorway, his hair is a mess and he

looks pale, Ive been lying down, and puking. I have a bad feeling, a really,

really, really bad feeling. Like really bad, I- Im gonna be sick! Alec ran away

from me and right into the bathroom, he slammed the door, I heard gagging.

Alec! Alec!

Hold on- He gagged again and started coughing, Alec, let me in!!

Im puking!

I dont care youre my brother let me in!

Everything went in slow motion, the door opened, Alec stood pale, and

pained, Something isnt right. It just isnt. This is my family, and when something

is going to happen I can feel it I- I- He turned and started to puke, Oh! Alec,

hold on! I grabbed a towel and started to wet it down with warm water. When he

stopped he put a hand to forehead and groaned, I put the warm towel to his head

and smoothed out his hair, he collapsed on the side of the bathtub. I was starting


44/62

to feel a bit queasy. I flushed the toilet and slid down next to him.

What are we going to? I asked him.

I dont know, but something is happening.

Ugh! Im tiered of having problems, I tired of it all!

Shh. Things will even out.

Really? Do you think so? Tears brimmed in his eyes as he said, Yes. Its the

truth, isnt it?

Yeah, Alec. It is.

So whats wrong with your brother? Dad asked, mom sat at the table and

looked up at him, and then at me.

Nothing is wrongwith him; hes just a little uneven. But it will all work its self

out. I say sharply, scowling at the floor.

Hmm, is he hungry? I shake my head and avoid everyones eyes. I look at the

Daisies, still pink and lively.

Are you hungry? I shake my head and say, Im actually pretty tiered, Im going


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to bed.

If you need anything, call us. Alright honey?

Yeah, you can call me if you need me too. It wasnt a joke. She nodded and dad

was staring into space. Whats so interesting about that empty space?Whats so

interesting about my life? Im losing it. Thats whats interesting. Everything is so

freaking interesting when its falling apart isnt it? I was suddenly really mad. Mad

everyone and everything. But then I saw Daisy at the foot of my bed, peering up

at me and my temper cooled a couple degrees. Daisy snuggled up next to me

and we fell asleep that way. The way Im sure well always will.

I was shocked awake. The sky was still dark, but it didnt seem to matter

because I was too wide awake to care. I shivered, and Daisy whimpered, what

was going on? Something didnt feel right.

My head started to pump, and my heart stopped even though it was so

loud in my ears, my stomach turned and tumbled. Something scratched me from

the inside. I felt like it was all building up like in the scary movies, something was

going to happen. Right around the corner, I could feel it in my gut. It sat there,

like a solid rock. My alarm went off and I screamed, but not long enough to notice

against the alarm its self.

I climbed out of bed and shivered, I hurried to get dressed, brush my hair


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and spray on the perfume, I walked into Alecs room and he had Annas bunny

clutched close to his chest, Alec, Alec, somethings happening, I feel it. I lightly

touched his arm; he opened his eyes like hed been up, You screamed. He

whispered, I sat down on the bed and looked at my hands, I was frightened, Im

still frightened. Something is wrong. I know. You know. Something I going to

happen, the feeling is sitting there in my gut.

Is there anything we can do?

No.

Are you well enough to go to school? You seem pale.

Are you okay?

Of course Im not, but Im still going to go.

Then dont ask obvious questions you already know the answers to, you know

exactly what I will do. Im just wondering if its the right thing.

Are we still talking about going to school?

I dont even know.

Do you want help with breakfast?

Alec, no matter what. Can make me smile.


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I watched Alec make omelets when I was finished setting the tables.

Mom came in entirely too early than she usually does, MOM! Alec and I say in

unison, she looks up at both of us, pale and sickly, What?

What are you doing up? Do you feel okay? Are you-

Good morning? I say, shooting a glance at Alec.

Do you want some tea? I ask her, she nods meekly, her hair is so thin, and I

touch it lightly, and then frown. She grabs my chin with her suddenly boney,

skinny fingers and gives me an Eskimo kiss and then a real kiss on the forehead.

How much honey?

Goblets full. I smiled, and then Alec asked, Do you want an omelet? I make the

best. She laughed at him, her eyes coming to life and I could finally see my

mother deep down inside of her, In that case it seems like a must do doesnt it?

Alec smiles and nods, sliding the omelet onto her plate just as I set down the tea.

How do you feel? Alec asks, Ugh. We both turned to her, panic stricken.

Then morning ugh, guys! Chill out!

We laughed at each other for a minute only for her benefit.


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You know, Im so glad you two are so close now. It makes me the happiest of all;

you two probably didnt know how much you needed each other. But its amazing

to see how you two just click. Youre like a puzzle. You just go together, nobody

questions it. Because thats how it happens. Brother and sister. Im so glad.

Mom, what are you really thinking?

Im thinking that, even if I die. Im glad all of this happened because you two

have each other, and thats the only thing Ive wanted from the start.

Mom- I struggle to find words, through my tears.

Obstacles are like popsicles, sticky, sweet and they melt away in the end. Alec

sniffled, tears running down his cheeks, matching my own.

Kids. She opened her arms to us, but we were careful. Because she was

fragile.

I didnt have to run to catch the bus, and the bus driver didnt smile,

Whats wrong?

Its off, everything is off, and today is going to be a bad day. But, youre always

right Rose. Things we come right by you eventually.

Sometimes, I start glancing down at my hands, and then up at the sky, When


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youre right all the time, you need to be wrong once or twice just to keep your feet

on the ground.

He nodded. And I went to my seat. Seat number three like always.

Always. Always?Nothing is always, or forever. Is it? Will I ever find someone who

will be there always? Will I ever remember what always is, even if always gets

crumpled and changed and chipped away at over time, will I be able to look back

and say to myself,Ahh, I remember that, I remember when the word always was

a promise to forever and I remember when I trusted that promise.

Whats going to happen when the world I live in falls apart? I have Alec,

and Alec has me. But wont their still be hole? Will anything patch up that hole?

School is constant, or at least it usually is. But in the middle of Comm. Arts

I got called to the office to go home. I knew. Ms. Howe raised an eyebrow; I

waved her over and said, I write you an email, if youre that interested. I didnt

know it would make her laugh, but she did. And she hugged me, Rosemary

Ringel. She whispered.

I met Alec in the office and my uncle Johnny was there to drive us to the

hospital.


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Come on kids. He sighed, he ushered us into the back of his minivan,

Do you need to know- We started shaking our heads.

You dont know how sorry I am, kids.

Its not your fault. Alec croaks, and Uncle Johnny has nothing to say, so he

doesnt say anything.

Uncle Jonnys car is really nice because it smells like ice cream and

sprinkles, because he works at D-Q. And he has an ice cream cone air freshener

hanging on his mirror and a bumper sticker that says, Cooler than an ice cream

cone.

Soon enough were pulling into the hospital parking lot and Alec is helping

my out of the car and putting his arm around my shoulders, because he needs

the comfort just like I do.

The Hospital is one of my least favorite places, it smells like old people

and babies and theres blood and people rushing and everything is chaotic. Not

to mention is where people die.

Come on, kids. He crooned, This way. He put a hand on Alecs

shoulder because Alec had an arm around mine and led us down toward the

front desk.


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Are you immediate family members?

These are herkids I am herbrother.The front desk nurse looked

sympathetically down at us, Right over there. She whispered I forced myself to

smile at her, to show her that I was thankful for her trying, she just nodded. And

turned away as she rubbed her eyes.

The entire hallway stopped to stare at us for just a moment, either smiling

sadly, or just gulping down the air to keep from reaching out, then I saw Grandma

and Grandpa, tears in their eyes they greeted Alec and I as a whole, Wish wed

seen each other under different circumstances. They said. I forced a shaky

smile, and then elbowed Alec to smiled to, he looked up broken in a million

pieces on the inside, barely keeping together on the outside, my heart collapsed

a little inside.

Then I heard a dads voice rising to left of me, I turned to Dad, looking

rather insane, who was just staring at the doctor, who was saying, It would have

been different if shed had treatment, but you refused, and so she didnt last as

long.

Dont tell me what I should have done!! And dont talk about my wife like she

expired!! She has kids and a husband she was a loving person, if anyone

deserved to expire it would be you, you know it all, heartless-

Dad! I shrieked, running towards them, voice cracking, I grabbed his arm,

Dont hurt him, dont hurt him. I said, voice fading as I did so, I walked back


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over to Alec, Dad shot one last glance at the doctor, and then went into the

patients room right next to uncle Johnny and Dad knocked into him on the way

in, when the door opened I saw a glimpse of mom and started to cry.

Alec pulled me into a hug and kept telling me it was all right, but you could hear

the tears in his voice.

Come on kids, its close to the end. You should be there.

We walked into the room and Dad was at moms side, holding her hand,

when he saw Johnny and Alec and I he started to growl out, John-

Honey. Mom croaked and Dad looked down, and a big fat tear fell, he kissed

her on the forehead, Goodbye, honey. I love you.

Dad left the room, patting Uncle Johnny on the shoulder. I looked at mom

for the first time, I mean I really looked at her, she was just a pile of bones, her

eyes were sunken and yellow like her skin and she could barely move or keep

her eyes open.

Kids. My babies. She whispered she held her hands out to us, one on either

side. Alecs hand around my shoulder disappeared and I shivered, I walked

toward mom quickly and took her hand, I love you so much.

We love you too, Alec said, finally speaking up. I nodded.


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Im so glad that I have you. I wouldnt want anything else. Youre the beset

things that have ever happened to me, my kids.

Mom? I asked, fighting tears, Yes, honey?

Why do the flowers on the kitchen table have more pink than any other color?

My voice shaking, Because thats how they came. Her head fell to Alecs side

and she whispered, Dont loose each other because of me. You two are all youll

have. Your dads long gone. But it doesnt mean the family has to be her voice

faded, and her eyes closed, she squeezed my hand, Mom! MOM! I love you!

NO! No Alec burst into tears; something started beeping, doctors rushed into

the room, Move, move, move! One shouted at me. I did what I was told and

moved away, leaving Moms limp hand. And nurse pushed us gently out of the

room. All I saw was them try to shock her alive.

I was back into the lobby. I saw Tyler and Cole, Tyler ran over to me. He

hugged me really tight, its okay. Its okay. Shh, Shh. He kept whispering and he

pulled me into a chair next to him, Cole shot a dirty glare at him and strode off.

Tyler, Im so glad you came. I said, letting him hold me close.

We stayed there for a while. I lost track off time, I wasnt paying any

attention, I lost track of my brother, I lost track of my heart and my mind and my

breathing. I just sat there, pretending to be a window.

Suddenly the doctor walked out, Ive very sorry to say that Ms. Ringel


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didnt make the fight-

YOURE THE ONE WHO DESERVES TO DIE!! My dad screamed, Dad! Dad!

Alec yelped, voice shaking and cracking.

When I heard, it felt like someone ripped out a chunk of my heart. I lost my

already unsteady breath, my mind stopped. My blood ran cold; Tyler hugged me

tight, really, really tight. I screamed and crumpled up on the inside. But on the

outside I just cried because there was nothing else I could do.

Its time for me to leave, but its time for you to leave too. Tyler whispered

I looked at my family; they all just sat there, shocked, crying silently.

Ill walk with you to the door. He looped his arm around my waist, and we

walked toward the door.

Threw the glass door it was pouring down rain and the wind was fierce, he

pulled me into a hug, Get better. Okay?

I nodded; he let his arms drop besides him holding my hand, so I let my

arms drop to.

I have to go. But he didnt let go of my hand and I didnt let go of his, he

started to walk away, but then he used his hand in mine to pull me into his kiss.


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Afterward, he blushed and tripped over a chair, I- uh, um, have to go, uh-

bye. He walked toward the automatic doors and the wind carried the rain that

sprayed me, he didnt run, or walk, he just stood there in the rain, he looked back

once. I waved, and he waved back. Then he ran.

Come on, Rose. Alec said, probably seeing everything, Lets go home.

He put his arm around my shoulder and led me out of the hospital.

When we got home I just ran upstairs, I overheard Uncle Johnny and Dad,

You sure youll be okay with the kids, my wife and I wouldnt hesitate

If I need you, Ill cal you. Okay buddy?

Yeah, okay

I was up in my room and I couldnt help but compare this to the day I

found out that mom had cancer. But then I didnt have the hole in my heart, and

the bad taste in my mouth. Or the idea that I would never wake up to moms

voice or long brushed out hair or arms that wrapped around me like a blanket.

Never ever again.

I heard a knock on the door, Come in. I said, but I didnt look up.


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Whats so interesting about that empty space? Alec asked, Its like life. Empty

and depressing.

Rose. He walked next to me and sat on the bed, he put his arms around me

and I said, Alec, remember the day we got Daisy? Daisy whined from behind

me at the sound of her name, The day we made breakfast for the first time?

Yeah? Alec answered, sniffling, You promised me everything would be okay.

Nothing is okay.

Rosey, please-

Only Anna called me that, it doesnt mean that you can. I glared, Alec pulled

away from me and stared, he looked hurt and mad. I thought hed leave just like I

left with Anna but instead he grabbed my shoulder tightly and gave me a shake.

I know you mad, sad and hurt. I am too! I know you feel like theres too much

pink and not enough yellow, but we both knew what would happen. We have to

accept it. We have each other and thats all we have left. But we both knew. I

threw my arms around him and cried, I cried hard than I ever had. Because,

everything was crashing down. Life sucked; there was nothing I could do.

Nothing I had left, besides him. And I wouldnt have him forever. I knew that, I

had to love him all I could because I might not be able to tell him, or show him

how much he means, I couldnt do that with Anna, and with mom I wish Id had

more time to show her how I felt. But everyone knows that third time is the

charm.


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Dad came in and told Alec and I that we wouldnt be going to school for a

while. And we ordered Chinese. But nobody really ate. Nobody was hungry. How

could we be? But dad ate mine, and Alecs. Maybe he was eating out of sadness,

which sort of grosses me out, to think that someone will pig out, just because

there upset.

I wish I could fix this. I wish that I could erase the bad feeling and pencil in

a feeling that belongs. But no feeling belongs when the only feeling that were

getting are bad ones.

Dear Ms. Howe,

My dad says that we arent going to school for a while, but Ill keep

up on the work, I promise.

The reason I wont be at school is because my mom died. She had

cancer. Like my sister Anna. Who is also dead. This all really sucks.

But I dont think that cancer was the only reason why I was so moody.


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During the entire journey, I got closer to my brother who is absolutely

ridiculous. Hes really smart, and his life was Anna before she died, and he died

with her. I guess I woke the dead. I also settled my older feelings about Anna and

life. And marshmallows.

I got a puppy named Daisy. Who helped me understand windows and

doors. And I met two boys, Cole and Tyler.

Coles pretty weird, Tyler I dont know. Hes just Tyler.

I dont know what Id do with Mina. Or what Id do without her.

When youre always right, sometimes you need to be wrong about a

couple times to keep your feet on the ground.

You probably dont understand much of this, Ms. Howe. But it takes a real

family to fall apart just to hold together. And it doesnt mean I dont have any

regrets. Or that I dont miss my mom or my sister, or that I dont wish Id done

better or said I love you more. It means that if you have someone who really

loves you. You dont have you say it, because theyll probably already know.

Love,

Rose Ringel


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Dear Rose,

I know what you mean about everything. My mom had cancer.

Shes not with us any more, but she taught me everything I know. Without even

trying. I thought I was always right, everyone else thought so to, but when she

got sick I told myself that it was a dream and that she wouldnt die. But I was

wrong. Youre lucky. You met Tyler. I bet you 20 bucks youll end up marring him.

Or being good friends with him forever. It might sound gross but sometimes you

need a wicked story to have a happy ending.

Love, Ms. Howe

Dear Ms. Howe,

It doesnt sound gross at all

Im sorry about your Mom.

20 bucks, youre on.

Love,


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Rose Ringel

I kept in touch with Ms. Howe and she sort of became my sister, not my

mom. But my sister. And I was glad. Because I was in a house full of boys.

I sat down on the couch and sipped my tea. Then I heard a knock on the

door, I jumped up to go get it. I set my tea back down on the table. It was the

same tea mom drank before she died. Now its my favorite kind. I opened the

door and saw Tyler, Tyler! I say, hugging him, I missed you! And thought youd

never come back I added in my head.

He had flowers and a cut on his cheek bone, I was afraid that you didnt

want to see me.

Why wouldnt I want to see you?! Ive been waiting to see you, I really was!

You didnt hear?

Hear what?

Well, I um, got punched-


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Oh! Thats horrible! By who?

Cole, That shut me up, He heard that I kissed you, so he punched me, but then

I punched him back and I broke his nose.

So the next time you say, shut up or Ill break your face, people will listen?

Well, yeah, no. I just thought you would be mad, because thats un-cool, or

whatever.

No, that is sort of un-cool. Fighting isnt cool, but since you did it for me I guess it

makes it sort of cool-ish.

Is this too complicated, do you think that we should just, you know? Get over it?

Because we were both sort of out of it. When it happened.

Do you want to?

No.

Then no.

Im glad your you again Rose. Tyler said, then kissed me on the cheek handed

me the flowers and left.

Steamy. Alec said then whistled, I whirled, How long have you been there!?

Long enough.

Alec! He flashed me a smile, and then looked at his imaginary watch, which

made me smile, Do you want any help with that homework they just sent in from

school?


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Illget the marshmallows.

And in the end, there are to many pink daisies and not enough yellow, life

is like a wall, and sometimes those walls get torn down, but its all okay when

youve got family to help you build them up again. You can be whatever you want

to be, whether its an apple a lamp or a sailboat as long as your you underneath.

Obstacles are like popsicles, sweet and sticky that melt away, and nobodyknows

the meaning of marshmallows.

The Meaning of Marshmallows Back Up

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