The Love Story Behind the Hershey Kiss The Healthy Side of ...

widowedpathfinder.com | November 2014 | PATHFINDER | 1

The Love Story Behind the Hershey Kiss

The Healthy Side of Chocolate

Tiny House: Huge Home

“My Beautiful, Broken Shell”

PLUS: Exercise, Money Management, Poetry, Retreats, Friendship

Dr. Petit Honors the Memory of His Family

November 2014Vol. 1No. 4$7.95

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5 Letter from the Editor

8 Widow/ers From HistoryThe Love Story That Inspired Hershey’s Kiss By Lisa Saunders

14 In Their HonorThe Petit Family Foundation: An Interview with Dr. William A. Petit, Jr.By Jane Milardo, LMFT

22 Ask Jane...Friends IndeedBy Jane Milardo, LMFT

22 FinanceGina’s Kokopelli – Couponing With SanityBy Patricia Ann Chaffee

25 PoetryEndings and BeginningsBy Jan Andersen Donovan

26 Featured WidowDownsizing Can Mean an Intentional Future By Patricia Ann Chaffee

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30 Health & WellnessExercising Over the Age of

Fifty

By Sarah DeNoia Arruda

34 Expressive ArtsThe Healing Power of Pen

On Paper

By Patricia Ann Chaffee

38 Books & Movies“My Beautiful, Broken Shell”

By Carol Hamblet Adams


41 NutritionChocolate, Food of the

Gods, a Blessing for Our

Health

By Rosemary Collins, RDN

45 MistakesWhen Widow/ers Gamble:

Entertainment or Addiction?

By Lisa Saunders

49 SpiritualityRetreats Offer Respite and

Rejuvenation


ADVERTISINGTo advertise in Pathfinder Magazine contact Joanne Moore at [email protected].

SUBMISSIONSWe welcome readers to submit questions to Joanne Moore, [email protected] and to Jane Milardo, [email protected] (family issues and mental health). We also welcome your poetry and photography (Patricia Ann Chaffee, [email protected]) for possible publication. If you know someone who would be an inspiration for our Featured Widow/er article, or for our In His/Her Honor sections, please give us (Joanne Moore, [email protected]) a brief story, and contact information. All content including but not limited to text, photos, graph-ics are the sole property and copyright of Act II Publica-tions. Reproduction without permission from publisher is prohibited. We take no responsibility for images or content provided by our advertisers. Pathfinder: A Companion Guide for the Widow/er’s Jour-ney is the property of Act II Publications, P.O Box 752, East Lyme, CT 06333. Pathfinder: A Companion Guide for the Widow/er’s Journey contains articles on many topics. Any information provided by Pathfinder, or any of its contributing authors, is general information only and should not be substituted for the advice of legal, financial, medical or other relevant professionals. You should never delay seeking professional advice or disregard profes-sional advice because of information on this website. The information on this website is provided “as is” without any representations or warranties, express or implied. ACT II PUBLICATIONS, L.L.C. and its officers, employees, contractors or content providers shall not be liable for any loss or damage arising from or otherwise in connection with your use or misuse of any content, information, opin-ions, advice and materials provided on the website.

By submitting user-generated content (including but not limited to any text, photographs, graphics, video, audio or any other type of media or content) (“Content”) to Pathfinder, you agree to grant to Pathfinder, its agents, affiliates and assigns, free of charge, the perpetual, worldwide, nonexclusive license to use, publish, distrib-ute, reproduce, display, adapt, store delete, or create derivative works from the Content in any way, form or for-mat that Pathfinder deems fit. By submitting the Content, you warrant and represent that (i) the Content does not infringe on the copyright, trademark or any other rights of any other third party (ii) you are the owner of the entire, right, title and interest in and to the Content, (iii) you have the sole right to grant the licenses thereunder, and (iv) you have not knowingly granted licenses to any other entity that would restrict rights granted to Pathfinder.

Just as no two people are alike, we recognize that no two marriages are alike. The only thing that binds us together is that we have all lost a spouse. We are otherwise a true cross section of America. We come from all backgrounds, and have unique dreams for our futures. By listening to each other, we find bits of inspiration to become creative as we forge our own new path.

Pathfinder Magazine provides opportunities to learn from each other, to enable one another, and to share our experiences.

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What does it take to live well as a widow/er? I’ve always believed in spending some time in introspec-tion, so that my daily activities would reflect my core values. It’s so easy to get carried away with activities that demand time, but aren’t really very meaningful to us. And when we’re widowed, it’s

easy to get drawn into other people’s priorities. But I think it’s important to define what is meant for a good life for ME. There are lots of strategies for or-

ganizing this introspection. There are certainly seasonal prompts for reflection in November. Veteran’s Day comes first. Those of us who

lost our spouses due to military service take special note of November 11. It is a day when our grief is shared by a thankful nation, and the sacrifices of our families are recognized and honored.

It is quickly followed by Thanksgiving, a time to count our blessings and to appreciate what we have. If we have been coping with loss, it’s easy to overlook the good in what we still have. Our tendency is to ruminate over what no longer is part of our lives. But a spirit of gratitude for what we have had is a good start to opening our heart to noticing the good that is still available. Looking through old photos or telephoning long lost friends can be uplifting. Sometimes, it’s enough to simply appreciate that a traffic light turned green for us. Most of us can appreciate that we still have a roof over our heads and a cup of coffee in the morning. Others have recipes for comfort foods that keep traditions alive at Thanksgiving.

Consider what aspects of the holidays you really love and bring you joy. Be sure to treasure those activities. And what aspects of the traditions have developed into a burden that you might like to release? If you are tired of hosting a large event, you might make a gift of your special turkey platter and some recipes to the family member who will continue the tradition. And as you let that responsibility go, you will find time to forge new pathways – to try out new ways of celebrating the holidays. You may find comfort in being with family. Or you may like to volunteer at the soup kitchen, or to be with friends. The important thing about celebrating Thanks-giving is to develop an awareness that good still exists in the world. It helps us to be emotionally healthier when we open our eyes to a big picture, and not simply focus on our own loss. Can we notice that someone held the door for us, or waved us ahead in traffic, or that someone called to invite us to a movie? By noticing goodness, a light starts to flicker within us, and we garner the energy to act.

This issue provides some inspiration from people who have gone before us. Dr. Petit advises that we let friends in to help us along, and his work beginning a foundation to prevent violence is a positive example for us. Alysha St. Germain shared how a tiny house made a huge home for herself and her two young children. Milton Hershey honored his wife’s memory by building a school. Staying with the chocolate theme (another reason to be appreciative), there is an article on the health benefits of chocolate. Physical therapist Sarah Arruda gives us great information as we begin to exercise. Lisa Saunders contributed an astounding story on the misadventures of gambling. We explore practical ways to shop with coupons, and the spiritual benefits of going on a retreat. You can also create your own retreat by curling up on the couch with the book Patricia Chaffee reviewed, My Beautiful Broken Shell.

I hope that you’ll be inspired to think about one thing that you might try to help you feel appreciation during this season. Even in sadness, appreciation can foster a sense of peace.

All the best,

Dr. Joanne Z. Moore, Publisher

Letter from the Editor:

An Attitude of Gratitude


EDITOR & FOUNDERDr. Joanne Z. Moore, PT, DHSc, OCS

[email protected]. Joanne Z. Moore

is a physical therapist who was widowed in 2009 at the age of 57. Her professional expe-rience has taught her to value life at every stage, despite tragedy. She has

observed people learning to adapt to a new paradigm of life after serious injury and de-generative diseases. She has learned that the people who are happiest are the people who can find the good in new situations. She drew upon this experience to develop a philosophy of life to guide this stage.

As the publisher of Pathfinder: A Compan-ion Guide for the Widow/er’s Journey, she is meeting many widow/ers who have learned to live well after loss. Each person brings a unique philosophy to this chapter of life. She has been inspired by the creativity of artists, politicians, teachers, and by historical figures. She is excited about sharing their stories so that others might find the courage to explore their possibilities.

WRITERSPatricia Ann Chaffee

[email protected] Ann Chaffee is a poet, photographer,

freelance writer and former journalist. She facilitates Creating a Writing Life programs

for emerging writers and designs workshops and retreats to nourish the soul, awaken the muse and celebrate the creative life. To learn more, visit www.

PatriciaAnnChaffee.com.

Rosemary Collins, [email protected]

Rosemary Collins is a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist with the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics since 2009. She works freelance and offers nutritional coun-

seling to clients looking to improve both their health and fitness with easy and practical di-etary changes. Before moving to the USA she worked in the UK, so you may notice that some of her recipes have a British influence!

Jane Milardo, [email protected]

Jane Milardo, LMFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has been practicing for 24 years in a variety of treatment settings in-cluding inpatient and

outpatient psychiatric, day treatment, residen-tial treatment, and substance abuse rehabili-

Pathfinder Staff


tation. She is currently the owner of Synergy Counseling Center, LLC, in Niantic, CT. She received her B.A. at Hobart and William Smith Colleges in Geneva, NY, and her Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy at Southern CT State University in New Haven, CT.

Lisa [email protected]

Lisa Saunders is an award-winning writer and TV host living in Mystic, Connecticut, with her husband and hound. A graduate of Cornell University, she is author of several books and winner of the National Council for Marketing & Public Relations Gold Medallion.

She works as a part-time history interpreter at Mystic Seaport, is an instructor at New London Adult and Continuing Education, and writes for several clients. As the

parent representative of the Congenital CMV Foundation and member of the Daughters of the American Revolution, she has spoken on a variety of topics at venues including Cornell University, West Point Museum, The Washington Independent Writers Association, and USA 9 News. Visit Lisa at www.authorlisasaunders.com.

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Studio portrait of Milton S. Hershey and Catherine Hershey taken in Nice, France in 1910.(Courtesy of Hershey Community Archives, Hershey, PA)

Widow/er of History The Love Story That Inspired Hershey’s Kiss By Lisa Saunders


Although future chocolate king Milton Hershey would one day become fa-mous for his Kisses, he was no ladies’

man. In the 1890s, those who worked with the entrepreneur at his Pennsylvania caramel factory said, “He doesn’t care anything about women” and “He never bothers with the op-posite sex—he never makes any more fuss over one than another.”

Then in 1898, the shy, rags to riches 40-year-old shocked everyone in Lancaster, including his no-nonsense Mennonite moth-er, when he brought home a gregarious, Irish Catholic wife from New York. The auburn-haired Catherine (Kitty) Sweeney wasn’t just a wife, she was the woman who would in-spire great deeds from a great man—one who would outlive her by 30 years.

Like Milton, Kitty came from humble be-ginnings. Milton’s poverty came from several failed business ventures while Kitty’s came from being the daughter of Irish immigrants. They had met a year before they married in Jamestown, New York, at a soda fountain Kitty frequented with her friends. Milton had stopped at this soda fountain called A.D. Work’s Confectionery on his way to Chicago. He often traveled promoting his products and now he had a reason to keep Jamestown on his route.

Fourteen years younger than Milton, Kitty knew how to attract attention with her good looks and outgoing, joyful personality. She realized this older man with a strict religious upbringing might propose, and although she enjoyed his attentions, she was annoyed he communicated long-distance by sending tele-grams instead of love letters.

Without telling his family and friends, Milton married Kitty on Wednesday, May 25,

1898, in the rectory of St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City. He knew his mother might object because of Kitty’s different religious background, but he didn’t care.

He brought Kitty home by train to the house he shared with his mother, and as he predicted, they didn’t “get on together at all.” Mother Hershey thought Kitty was far too frivolous and vain. Milton quickly rem-edied the tension by buying his mother an-other house. Perhaps if his mother had known she would outlive Kitty by several years, she would have been happier for her son.

Although Milton didn’t write love letters, he found another way to express his love for Kitty—he bought her fresh flowers every day. Whenever he traveled for business, he packed her photo in his bag (a habit that continued for the rest of his life). When Kitty thought he was away from her too long, she would call his associates and tell them to buy him a ticket home.

Kitty was a great sounding board for Mil-ton’s novel candy-making ideas. Ever a for-ward thinker, he became hooked on the idea of making chocolate in 1893 when he attend-ed the World’s Columbian Exposition in Chi-cago. There, he had watched the art of choc-olate making and thought he should sell his prosperous caramel business because he felt caramel eating was just a fad. He said, “Choc-olate is a food as well as a confection. It ought to have a big future in the United States…I’ll stake everything on chocolate.”

He told Kitty he would take the money from the caramel business and expand the chocolate business. “It’ll be the biggest choc-olate business in the world. You’ll see.”

Kitty said, “I’m sure it will—it couldn’t help but be. But let’s take a little time together


first. Let’s travel and see all the strange far-off places that we can. Then you can have your chocolate business.”

So, in August 1900, they set off for Europe. While sitting in a hotel room, however, Mil-ton couldn’t stop talking about how he would make milk chocolate and promote it to the masses. He wanted to make it avail-able to everyone, not just the rich. Sensing he was too distracted to enjoy their travels, Kitty asked if he would rather just return to Lancaster so he could get started. He did.

Having left school before the age of 14, Milton was no scientist. He loved experi-menting, however, and was deter-mined to come up with his own chocolate formula. He didn’t want to make it like the Swiss who used powered milk. In-stead, he experi-mented with cream, whole milk, and skim milk. He used trial and error to learn when the optimum time to cook the batch, add the sug-ar, which cocoa beans and flavorings to use and in what proportions. This was all done in a creamery and condensing room attached to

the old fieldstone farmhouse he had been born in. Finally, the Hershey bar was introduced in 1900.

Kitty loved to watch Milton, whom she called her “Little Dutchman,” experiment at the Homestead. Sometimes she sat for hours in a rocking chair in the kitchen regaling

the women working there with her up-beat stories.

Kitty was not without troubles, however. The first signs of her serious health problems ap-peared three years after they were married when she began losing con-trol of her body. Her illness was never fully diag-nosed, but she had some kind of pro-gressive muscular disease. She always remained cheerful and welcoming to all, however, never wanting people to feel sorry for her.

Ground was broken for Milton’s chocolate factory

in 1903. Milton built a town around it called Hershey with street names like Chocolate and Cocoa Avenue. He also designed a small mansion for Kitty and himself directly across the creek from the factory. Kitty planned the landscaping, including a patterned rose

Milton S. Hershey and Catherine Hershey in 1905.(Courtesy of Hershey Community Archives, Hershey, PA)


garden, which Milton loved to brag about. An amusement park followed. They visited it on summer nights to listen to the Hershey Band.His mother disapproved of the park think-ing it a frivolous distraction, but she was eventually seen in her Mennonite dress and bonnet sampling the sweets sold at the refreshment stands.

The Hershey Chocolate Company became phenomenal-ly successful with its chocolate bars and Milton’s 1907 inven-tion—Hershey’s Kisses.

Despite their happiness, Mil-ton and Kitty didn’t have ev-erything—they couldn’t have children. Kitty was often seen stopping her carriage to give one a ride and Milton would stop whatever he was doing to find a job for any boy looking for one.

Knowing their wealth en-abled them to really help these children, Kitty said, “Why don’t we use it to give a home to boys who are unfortunate?” So they provided a home for boys who were either orphaned or had only one parent unable to sup-port them.

Kitty found some relief for from her ever-worsening, debil-itating symptoms in the sea air, so began spending more time in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Kitty and Milton were there in March

1915 when he needed to leave for business reasons. Kitty would return to Hershey in her convert-ible driven by a nurse. Despite the cold, raw air, Kitty insisted on riding with the top down. By the time they reached Philadel-phia, she had pneumonia. Milton was contacted and he hurried to join her. When Kitty asked him for a glass of champagne, he left her side to get it. When he re-turned, she was dead. She died on Thursday, March 25, 1915, at the age of 43. The funeral mass was given the following Satur-day in Philadelphia. Milton gave his employees the day off and a free train ticket to attend.

Milton would not let his overwhelming grief stop him from accomplishing all that he and Kitty had dreamed together. He decided to focus his fortune and energies on a school for orphaned boys. He said of the school, “It’s Kitty’s idea.” Three years after Kitty died, he donat-ed his entire wealth and owner-ship of the Hershey Chocolate Company to the school.

Milton spent the next 30 years expanding his chocolate business and improving the lives of those around him. He appeared to have no intention of falling in love again. He said “I am very nice to little children and real old ladies, but nothing in between.”


When the Depression hit, he wanted to keep area residents working, so he set about constructing several buildings to benefit the community. He also built a luxury hotel in honor of Kitty—the one she had longed for them to design after the ones they’d seen in their travels. Kitty had said, “Let’s make it like the great Heliopolis Hotel in Cairo.”

Milton also showed the archi-tects a picture post-card of a 30-room hotel he and Kitty had enjoyed on the Mediterranean. In the end, the hotel was a combination of the many places they had visited to-gether and was fin-ished in 1933.

As Milton aged into his 80s, he loved to sit on the roof of his man-sion and tell sto-ries about Kitty to his nurses. He would say things like “Kit used to do this” and “Kit liked it this way.” He could still pic-ture Kitty’s happy and tender ways. It seemed she could still make him laugh. “Those hats…those plumes,” he’d reminisce. He still carried her photograph with him everywhere he went.

On October 13, 1945, one year after he retired from the board of the Hershey Choc-olate Company, he died of a heart attack in Hershey Hospital. He is interred with Kitty in the Hershey Cemetery.

Milton Hershey will be remembered for many things—es-pecially the school he built out of “Kit-ty’s idea.” Now co-ed and called the Milton Hershey School, it houses and educates ap-proximately 1,900 students in grades Pre-Kindergarten through 12. There you will find a stat-ue of Milton with his arm wrapped around an orphan boy and the words, “His deeds are his monument. His life is our inspira-tion.”

Milton may be our inspiration, but Kitty was of-ten his. People can still see what Kitty inspired in Milton with a visit to Her-shey, Pennsylva-nia.

Visit www.widowedpathfinder.com/index.php/read-online/10-2014-edition for bibli-ography.

Milton S. Hershey in Nice, France in 1910.(Courtesy of Hershey Community Archives, Hershey, PA)


In Their Honor...

The Petit Family Foundation:

An Interview withDr. William A. Petit, Jr.

By Jane Milardo, LMFT, Marriage & Family Therapist


When I arrived at the offices of the Petit Family Foundation, located in sleepy downtown Plainville, CT,

the first thing that struck me was how unas-suming their office space was. In fact, they share it with an advertising company, using just two rooms. There is nothing to indicate the large amount of charitable giving that is generated from here. I was greeted by friend-ly staff from both companies who made me comfortable while I waited for Dr. Pe-tit, or as he is known here, Bill.

When he arrived a few minutes later, I was led to a nearby office that belonged to a executive of the advertising company, shared space for a meeting. “Why don’t you sit behind the desk?” Bill asked im-mediately. “Why me behind the desk?” I said, a bit surprised. “Well, you’re the one with writing to do” he replied. So there I sat, behind that mas-sive desk, and Bill sat across from me in a chair.

As you may recall, Dr. Petit’s wife, Jen-nifer, and his two daughters, Hayley and Mi-chaela, were murdered in a home invasion in Cheshire, CT in July 2007. Their house was then set on fire. That is not the subject of

this article, but in order to explain what the Foundation does, some history is necessary. I asked Bill first about how the Petit Family Foundation began and about its mission. He replied, “Well, it started, of course, after that night when I lost my family and my house was burned. I was numb, and I had no place to go. At first I stayed with my parents, and I didn’t

want to see anyone. I was numb, I cried, and then I was numb again. But I was for-tunate that I had many supportive friends and family to help me. They tried to draw me out, but I wasn’t in-terested at first. After a while, friends start-ed just stopping over and saying, “Come on Bill, we’re going fishing.” The fact that they did that kind of thing made a big dif-ference. My mother would knock on my door and offer me a ginger ale. Just a gin-ger ale, but the fact that she reached out was helpful. Mean-while, the donations started flooding in im-mediately from every-

where: money, artwork, letters, and self-help books. I must have over 300 self-help books. The donations came from all over the country and all over the world! At the time, I did very little reading, as it was hard to focus.”

“Then in August of 2007 some friends pro-

Dr. Petit with his daughters Hayley and Michaela.(Courtesy of the Petit Family Foundation)


posed an idea that the donations should be used for some charitable purpose, but initially, we didn’t know what.”

“First, we decided to fund three schol-arships; one at Miss Porters School, which Hayley had attended, one at Chase Collegiate School, which Michaela had attended, and one at Cheshire Academy, where my wife, who was a pediatric nurse, had worked. Then we founded a special fund called Hayley’s Hope and Michaela’s Miracle, for those affected by

multiple sclerosis. My wife had MS. You can find the link on the MS Society Site.”

“Then in December of 2007 the Board (of 12) met, and we decided to become a 501c3. Papers were filed in 2007, the 501c3 letter ar-rived in 2008, and the Petit Family Foundation was formed. In Oct of 2007 we had already had our first Golf Tournament to benefit the foundation. It took 3-5 months to come up with a Mission Statement. It was three-fold:

1) to benefit the education of young people, especially women who were going into the sciences, 2) to help and protect victims of vio-lence, and 3) to benefit those with chronic ill-nesses and their families.”

I asked Bill to speak specifically to what has been done in each of these three areas in the years since the Foundation began. “My friend Dennis Chapman had the idea to do some horticulture work with the Science Cen-ter, and he started Michaela’s Garden, a roof-

top garden at the Science Center where Mi-chaela’s favorite flowers, Four O’Clocks, are grown. The seeds are then harvested and re-planted, and some are sold to benefit the Petit Family Foundation. We wanted to encourage families and youth to become more involved in community gardening.”

(Authors note: The original Four O’Clocks were dug up and removed from the Petit prop-erty, as little else was salvageable. All the

(l-r) Dennis House; Kara Sundlun; Dr. Petit’s wife, Christine; and Dr. Petit after giving the annual CT Science Center Petit Family Women In Science Mentorship Award.(Courtesy of the Petit Family Foundation)


seeds are reproduced from the original plants. It is a lovely way to remember Michaela.)

Bill added, “Hayley was interested in sci-ence. Shortly before she died, she had ex-pressed an interest in becoming a doctor. We began working with the CT Science Center in Hartford by funding the First Women in Sci-ence Mentorship Award.”

Bill continued, “About 50-60% of the grant proposals go to domestic vio-lence programs. The rest goes to education and programs support-ing those with chronic diseases. We prefer to give to smaller groups in order to help those that would not other-wise get funding, such as those with rare dis-eases. We like to give to programs rather than individuals, so that we can help the most peo-ple. We gave $100,000 three years ago to the Channel 3 Kids Camp so they could con-struct a new health center. It’s named after my wife, the Jennifer Hawke-Petit Health Lodge. They can now accommodate children with chronic illnesses and disabilities. We also gave $100,000 to the CT Science Center.”

I asked Bill to talk about the Petit Fam-ily Foundations major fundraisers. He named three annual events, the Golf Tournament,

which began in 2007, the Road Race in July, and the motorcycle Ride for Justice, in Septem-ber. Bill added that the Petit Family Founda-tion first sponsored a Women in Science Gala in the Green Gallery at the Science Center, and that now they have their own Green Gala each year, at which the Foundation awards its Mentorship Prize. In regard to the Petit Family

Foundation’s greatest successes, he said, “We have given millions in grants just this year.”

Asked whether he works full-time for the foundation now, Bill replied, “Yes, that is, as many hours as are necessary. I take no salary, zero. I’m a vol-unteer. Everybody here is a volunteer, with the exception of two office staff members. Even they come in on week-ends and volunteer.” Bill said that there was never a lack of volun-teers. They come back, and others just keep volunteering.

When asked him what types of organi-zations are eligible for grants through the Pe-tit Family Foundation,

and which he would especially encourage to apply, Bill replied, “We must commit to pro-grams that benefit larger numbers of people, no one-on-one scholarships. For example, we funded an anti-bullying program. Initially we funded three scholarships for women in the

Dr. Petit with Jess Morin, a GE intern, at the GE 5K and Fitness Walk.(Courtesy of the Petit Family Foundation)


sciences through the Plainville Rotary, named for Jennifer, Hayley, and Michaela, but now we fund programs and projects, rather than in-dividuals”. He said that nonprofits are encour-aged to apply, as well educational programs that address domestic violence and protect its victims. In addition, programs that promote wellness for those with chronic illness and their families are encouraged to apply.

Given the many grants for organizations listed on the website, I asked Bill if any of them were especially meaningful to him. He thought long and hard about this question, then he replied “The MS Society, particularly the Hayley’s Hope and Michaela’s Miracle fund, The Prudence Crandall Center, that does primary prevention of domestic violence, and domestic violence shelters such as the Susan B. Anthony House in Torrington, Safe Haven

in Waterbury, Safe Futures in New London, the YWCA of Greenwich, and Interval House in Hartford.’

Asked if there was anything else he would like to add about the Foundation that we had not discussed, or that he was particularly proud of, Bill answered, “I love the program at the Science Center. Often in junior high, girls drop out of science, but this encourages them to be interested in science again. They work on the Seeds of Hope and the Plants of Change Project. I like the 3-year grant to Plainville Middle School that expands their science curriculum. This is extra, beyond the school budget. The kids can analyze blood samples to determine the sex and paternity of a child. They do fingerprints and analyze DNA. At New Britain High School, there is the Health Academy. The smallest donation is

(l-r) Brad Drazen, Dr. Petit, little Bill, and Todd Piro, at NBC 30. (Courtesy of the Petit Family Foundation)


one of my favorites: At Bulkeley High School in Hartford, it’s a melting pot, kids from all over the world. Mrs. Hoffman there has a knit-ting club. I know it seems like a small thing, but the kids in the knitting club make friends, and they donate the things they knit to the CT Children’s Medical Center. Mrs. Hoffman got a $500 grant which she uses for knitting mate-rials. A drop in the bucket, and she only took it as she needed it.”

“The best thing about the Petit Family Foundation is the outpouring of people, friends and volunteers who work with us. They come from 48 of the 50 states and 20 countries. No one takes anything out of the grants; 100% goes to the recipients.”

We then discussed causes Bill would like to promote in the future. He said he would like to do more for people affected by MS, to help the parents of those children, and to provide respite opportunities for caregivers, support-ing families who are dealing with chronic ill-ness to get out to a concert or a sporting event, or a weekend away. He also would like to see more educational conferences about illnesses.

Finally, I asked Bill if he had any advice for widows and widowers who were seeking their own path forward after a loss. He gave this a great deal of thought, and he spoke from the heart, “Get help. It’s critical to get help, don’t be afraid. And accept the help that is offered

by friends and family, don’t push them away. Get out and do something, such as volunteer at church, the Elks, or the Rotary.”

“And to those who are concerned about the widow or widower, be proactive. The person who has experienced a loss is not going to ask for help. Show up, take them out, bring food, and if you say you’re going to call, then call. I got pulled, cajoled, and ultimately it worked. Reading books sometimes helps.” Bill decid-ed that he may pay it forward, giving some of the many books he received to those who need them now.

The activities of the Petit Family Founda-tion are not the future Bill perceived for his life. He never asked for any of this to happen in the first place. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. But “helping people,” a phrase he uses often, has become his way to move forward. The Petit Family Foundation motto is, “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” and that is what he does every day.

For more information, or to donate, visit www.petitfamilyfoundation.org.

(left) The Petit Family Foundation Ride for Justice, 2013. (below) Dr. Petit visiting a class at Glastonbury High School Vo-Ag program with Michaela’s Seed Project. (Courtesy of the Petit Family Foundation)


We thought we had our “always and forever” lifetime companion. Our spouse, the person we most loved

and trusted, and with whom we most wanted to spend our time, is now gone. This was not part of the plan.

What do we do now? Who will we talk to about what is on our mind or about how we are feeling? How would we even know who was willing to listen? What about activities we used to share together, such as dancing, sports, traveling, dining out, or a movie? Can we ever imagine doing these things again with anyone else?

First of all, take your time to consider these very valid questions, and give yourself permis-sion to grieve the relationship. Whatever the circumstances of the death, the marriage was a big part of your life, and as such, should be validated. But don’t isolate yourself from oth-ers. Life is going to be different now for sure, but different doesn’t necessarily mean worse.

The truth is, there are many people in this

world who could love you, and whom you could love, not necessarily in the romantic sense, but as a friend. What is a friend, and how do you know if someone is one? Well, first of all, we must distinguish between types of friends.

Close Friends: Close friends are the ones you trust with your most personal issues. They know you well, but like you anyway. Obvious-ly, not everyone can fall into that category.

Friends: Friends are the people you know and spend time with on a social or business basis, but don’t share personal information with.

Acquaintances: Acquaintances are the people you spend time doing activities with, such as working out, being part of a club or other organization, or participating in com-munity activities. They are the people you en-counter often in your everyday life.

The difference between close friends, friends, and acquaintances is the level of trust you share with each other. Some people claim

Ask Jane...

Friends IndeedBy Jane Milardo, LMFT

Marriage & Family Therapist


to have dozens, or even hundreds of friends, but they don’t (and should not) trust all of them with their personal feelings. Trust is the most integral part of a friendship, and deepens it to another level.

For example, I have a close friend from high school who has been through many phases of life alongside me and who knows about mistakes I’ve made, as well as my ac-complishments. Miraculously, she’s still my friend after many years, and we reconnect pe-riodically to catch up on each others lives. We don’t need to be anybody special with each other, because we both accept the other as she is. When we are together we can be who we are, no holds barred. This is the kind of friendship that would continue to exist with-out regard to our marital status. I also have a close friend from college and one from work. I have friends and acquaintances whom I value a great deal, and who, given the opportunity for us to get to know one another better, could become close friends.

You may not have any close friends, or even any friends, particularly if you spent nearly all your time with your partner. Certainly stays connected to old friends, and help them to be-come comfortable with you as a “single”. But

be open to developing new friendships as well. Notice that there are many people you see fre-quently but don’t really know. Why not strike up a conversation about interests you share, or places you’ve been? Try some volunteer work, or join a club. A good conversation starter is to ask the other person about themselves, rather than talking about you. People are usually flat-tered and pleased that you asked, and you are on the way to making a friend. When you feel ready, ask them if they’d like to stop for a cup of coffee with you. Look for things you have in common, as they are also good conversation starters. Don’t pour out your soul right away, but at the same time, give them a chance to show you whether they are an authentic, hon-est person. Don’t trust everyone, but don’t dis-trust everyone either. Give everyone an equal chance to be a friend. You won’t know for sure until you try.

Questions in regard to life and family is-sues may be submitted to Jane at Pathfinder Magazine at widowedpathfinder.com/con-tacts/questions-to-jane-milardo, and she will make every attempt to respond to as many as possible in her column, Ask Jane.


FINANCEBy Patricia Ann Chaffee

FINANCE

It’s just plain smart to get the most for our money. Being frugal allows us to have ex-tra money to spend on some special things.

Couponing is a free and easy way to trim our expenses, and it can be done well without becoming a compulsion. Gina Juliano need-ed to adjust to a new budget in 2009, when the Hartford School System laid her off, and her $100,000 income as assistant principal at Weaver High School, became a $26,000 per

year unemployment salary. With three kids and a husband to feed, it was a challenge.

“I was close to losing my house and had no money. My mortgage alone was more than I took home in unemployment. I realized I had to cut down our expenses,” says Gina who is also known as the Connecticut Coupon Lady (www.ctcouponlady.com).

She went on line and discovered she couldn’t find the coupon resources she was

Gina’s Kokopelli – Couponing With Sanity


looking for in Connecticut. The deals and coupons posted in other states weren’t always valid in Connecticut. “So I did it myself. It started out as a blog and it grew and grew and grew. Now I have 50,000 followers across the nation. I learned everything on my own. No one taught me.”

But Gina also just likes to help people. She wanted to share her research to make the couponing experience easier for others. So she started a website, and called it www.Gina’sKokopelli.com. The site’s name was inspired by the Native American symbol for joy and happiness, Kokapelli. She thought it apt because it was joy that came into her life when she began this quest to help others, reduce her own expenses and generate a little income along the way. After getting her website on line, she began teaching coupon-ing classes and volunteering at Master’s Manna, a faith based, non-profit organization in Wallingford, CT. Master’s Manna serves the homeless and low to moderate income fami-lies, who struggle to eat well on a budget.

Her version of couponing is not extreme although it may well be extremely helpful. The Extreme Couponing show which airs on TLC, has painted a picture about couponing that bothers Gina.

“That show frustrates me. People see it and think it’s real. It’s not. They see people spend-ing hundreds of hours at home, and then 6-10 hours in the grocery store. You see people fill-ing carriages with tons and tons of crap. No real meat, dairy products, or fresh produce.

I teach people to eat healthy and to do it on a budget. My website has natural, organic and gluten free options. I eat healthy myself. That doesn’t mean you won’t find a coupon for Cheetos. Everyone likes Cheetos once in a while.”

So what’s the trick to healthy eating on a budget? One thing Gina suggests is being consistent. She goes to one store regularly to shop. It shouldn’t take any more time than it takes to shop now, she says, including creating a list, clipping coupons, shop and get out. She maintains a small stockpile of regularly used

items because it’s better to get them when they are on sale than paying full price as long as you use them often and before their expiration date. A box of pasta for example goes on sale for $.50, so if you use pasta she recommends getting 6-12 weeks worth, at that sale price. Why pay twice that, or more?

“Backing your car up to your garage to unload your own mini-

mart…now that’s crazy!”, she says. But a little stockpile of commonly used items that are on sale can go a long way in savings. Being fru-gal can be a beautiful thing.

“I’m completely frugal,” she says. “I’m not cheap. Frugal is practical. Frugal is being careful with how I spend money. I’m frugal with grocery shopping but that doesn’t mean I can’t treat myself and get my nails done. You want to be able to splurge and care for your-self. Do that, but be frugal in other areas.”

She recommends starting your new frugal lifestyle by taking a couponing class. They are often free and offered at libraries and com-

Gina Juliano


munity centers in your area. Tak-ing a class not only motivates and spurs you into action, but it’s informative. Next, she sug-gests that people find a buddy. Or find someone to go to the class with you. This is also helpful when someone is sin-gle and you want to take advantage of the “buy one get one free” deals. Shop with a friend and split the total cost on the item. The holiday coupon classes are geared at getting deals and sales for holiday shop-ping and how to utilize free-bies to cut holiday costs. She fills her kids’ stockings every year with items she gets completely free.

Happily, Gina has found another position, as principal at Rushford Acad-emy School, but she contin-ues with couponing. Why? You might say it’s in her blood. “Some people quilt. Some peo-ple scrapbook. I coupon.” She is a monthly guest on Channel 8 Connecticut Style where she sits down with Teresa Dufor to talk couponing. In addition to the joy of helping people, she appreciates the feedback

she gets and the difference she knows she is making in the lives of others. Although

she hasn’t always been an avid cou-poner, her grandmother was. Jo-

sephine Pratson of Manchester was a widow for more than 30

years before she passed away six years ago at the age of 88. “She used to coupon

like a fiend,” says Gina. “She didn’t drive and we would drive over to Manchester and she would

say, “take me to Walgreens, I have a coupon,” and

we would roll our eyes. She had a

little stockpile of a few things

like spaghetti sauce. As c o m p u t -ers became more com-mon she went on line and printed out her cou-pons. I regret

I hadn’t started this when she

was alive. She would have loved

it.” For more informa-

tion visit Gina’s website or email her at Gina@

ginaskokopelli.com. She welcomes your comments and questions.


I watched the water ebb and flow

lazily around the rocks of the tidal pool.

Bits of seaweed clung to the sand,

left there until the next high tide,

to be carried out to sea again.

There is an order to changes.

Trees form buds, leaves appear and detach

according to the seasons.

Children are born, grow and leave the nest.

Parents remain, completing their own journey.

Life is like that, too, moving, inevitably changing.

Years follow years, lettings go occur, painful at first,

then met with resignation.

Loneliness is replaced with acceptance.

Life continues, more sweet than bitter.

Endings and Beginnings

Janice Andersen Donovan is a writer who uses poetry as a form of self expression to express her innermost thoughts and feel-ings. She has written poems since child-hood, creating them when they appear. She enjoys reading the works of other poets, especially the poems of Mary Oli-ver and Billy Collins. Janice is a retired librarian who lives with her husband near the Connecticut shoreline.

Poetry...

By Jan Andersen Donovan


Feat

ured

Wid

owDOWNSIZINGCan Mean an

Intentional FutureBy Patricia Ann Chaffee

Alysha St. Germain with her children Isabella and Lucas. (Rachel White of Rachel White Photography)


Alysha St. Germain was in Idaho bab-ysitting her niece and nephew when she received the phone call that would

change her life forever. Her husband Pete had just returned home in November 2011 from deployment in the Middle East, where he was a U2 aircraft maintainer for the United States Air Force. Alysha was a stay at home Mom to

their two young children, Isabella and Lucas. They were only married a few years and had purchased their first home, a 1950’s era house that Alysha had been remodeling in his ab-sence. He was finally home from the service,

and life was supposed to get easy as their little family settled into their new life together. But with that one phone call, everything changed. Pete was diagnosed one month after he re-turned home, with stage IV cancer. Within 15 tumultuous months, Pete was gone. He was 32 years old.

Pete and Alysha met on line in 2006 and

they just knew they were meant to be together even though Pete was from Massachusetts and she was from California.

“Pete and I just clicked,” says Alysha. “We were best friends. He adored me to the moon

Alysha St. Germain’s tiny house. (Rachel White of Rachel White Photography)


and back. He proposed in a hot air balloon over Napa Valley. I knew I wanted to be his wife and the best wife possible.”

Family was important to them, and they both loved outdoor activities and travel. They had lived abroad in Abu Dhabi, Pete went trekking in Nepal, climbed mountains and was always ac-tive. Despite their adventure-some spirit, they both knew they wanted to settle their family in the United States.When his daugh-ter Izzy was born she was the apple of his eye and he was a great Dad. Having returned home to northern California, they were ready to settle in to a new kind of normal. But learning of Pete’s diagnosis and then losing him changed ev-erything.

“It was a total shock, the biggest shock of my life,” says Alysha. “I knew I needed to be with my kids (now 3 and 5 years old). I was a stay at home mom and after he passed, I needed to be there for them.”

She had always been a purger, clearing clutter and excess stuff with ease, while she describes Pete as a “hoarder.” He liked his

stuff. Clutter stressed her out and she had learned to really evaluate what her honest to goodness needs were. She came across the tiny house movement on Pinterest, a web based tool for “collecting and organizing things that inspire.” She had the opportunity to meet up with Tammy Strobel, who it turned out went to

the same high school as Alysha. Tammy is an author, photogra-pher and blogger at RowdyKittens.com, and one of a grow-ing number of peo-ple who are part of a tiny house move-ment who are liv-ing in small spaces in an effort to live large in other ways.Tammy, her husband Logan and their cats, live happily in a 128 square foot house. She invited Alysha to see her alternative dwelling place and Alysha liked what she found.

“They’re incred-ible,” says Aly-sha about the tiny homes. “I was blown away by the finished product. It was way

bigger than I imagined. Some people don’t think they can live in a tiny space but you to-tally can.”

With some reservation and a determina-tion to be close to her children, she ordered an Ynez model tiny house from the Oregon

Isabella & Lucas(Rachel White of Rachel White Photography)


Cottage Company (www.OregonCottage-Company.net). She first checked references, fell in love with the design and was attracted to the price, which is listed on the company’s website for $39,000. It didn’t take long before their new home was delivered, fully built on a trailer and ready to use. But these are not your grandmother’s mobile homes. This one was just over 200 square feet including the sleeping loft, filled with style, character, lots of windows and all the modern conveniences a mother could want including a tub/shower and washer/dryer. Alysha made arrangements to settle in her parents back yard at a time when being close to family was a comfort she wel-comed. She hooked up her electric and water connections to their house and uses an RV cleanout for the sewer connection. Her great-est challenge has been working out naptime but the kids have gotten used to it and enjoy their loft space.

“It’s all about being together with my kids,” says Alysha. “Life has been in turmoil over the past 15 months. I was the caregiver to Pete. They saw lots of babysitters. I needed to reconnect with my family.”

Within a month of Pete’s passing, Alysha began writing a blog at www.IntentionalFuture.com, where she sought to inspire people who are grieving to celebrate life again. She encour-ages people in similar situations with this from her blog: “There are those of us that choose to not allow loss to steal our life. We continue to persevere in the face of loss; not only by not succumbing to the devastation of loss, but by using it as in impetus to live well…It is my hope to ignite a passion within the grieving to use their trials as a means to do great things. We are far more than our circumstance. I hope you’ll join me in redefining loss.”

For Alysha, it’s all about living intention-

ally and living in a small space enables her to do just that. She offers a few lessons on her blog about what living large in a tiny space has taught her:• Itisaloteasierthanexpected.

• Itremindsmethatwehaveeverythingweneed and then some.

• Wearemoreconnected.

• Wespendalotlesstimeshopping.

• Wespendalotmoretimejust“being.” In October of 2013, a widower on the east

coast, stumbled upon Alysha’s blog and “fell in love,” according to her. By December Dave had proposed and they married in June of this year. This new family of four, outgrew Aly-sha’s tiny house and although she is keeping it, they are currently exploring new ways to downsize and live tiny on the east coast.

“I will definitely continue to pursue my blog as grieving is still a huge part of both our lives.

Just like with Pete, when you know, you know.” says Alysha. “It’s quite obvious that God has a plan.”

“People think life is done when they lose someone important to them. They need to know there is hope. And that God has so many good things in store for them. It is an oppor-tunity for people to see it is possible to grieve differently. Life is unpredictable and we don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Focus on what matters most today and stay true to your-self.”

To view Alysha and her tiny house, visit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7VCb-2h8Yc&app=desktop.


CULTURAL EMOTIONAL ENVIRONMENTAL INTELLECTUAL OCCUPATIONAL PHYSICAL SOCIAL SPIRITUAL CULTURAL EMOTIONAL

HEALTH & WELLNESSE N V I R O N M E N T A L I N T E L L E C T U A L OCCUPAT IONAL PHYS ICAL SOCIAL S P I R I T UA L C U LT U R A L E M OT I O N A L

E xe r c i s i n g O ve r t h e A g e o f F i f t y

By Sarah DeNoia Arruda, PT, DPT, CSCS

At age 50, 10% of our muscle area is gone and continues to decline with age. Research shows that participating

in regular exercise is an effective way to reduce or prevent functional and physical declines associated with aging. This article provides evidence-based strategies for effectively com-bating these changes associated with aging. We can be strong and active well into old age and have fun along the way. Being fit allows for participation in many social activities. No longer must we sit on the sidelines. This article provides the scientific background for design-ing our exercise program so that we can get maximum benefit without injury.

As we age, the natural course of biology is for our muscle tissue and bone density to de-crease, causing us to lose strength and power, and for our metabolic rate to decrease. These losses are often due to inactivity. We find that simple activities of daily living difficult, like walking up stairs or standing up from a chair, become more difficult. The increases the risk of falling also increases. No matter what our age, these changes can be arrested and even reversed! No matter how weak we are now, endurance and resistance training improves strength and functional ability. We can become stronger!

Older individuals should be prescreened for


medical conditions prior to participating in an exercise regimen. Knowledge of appropriate attire, footwear, warm-up, cool-down, post-exercise stretching, equipment use, nutrition, fluid replacement and training principles is very important.

Appropriate attire includes shoes with good traction and clothes that allow your body to dis-sipate heat and do not restrict your movement.

The Exercise SessionBefore exercise, one should perform a

warm-up. A warm-up is 5-10 minutes of low intensity activity and moving through the full range of motion that you will be using in your

sport or exercise; this should increase heart rate without causing fatigue. It may seem obvious, but during exercise holding your breath should be avoided to prevent restriction of blood ves-sels causing hypertension or lightheadedness; one should exhale on exertion and breathe con-tinuously.

There are two major components of the ex-ercise program: Resistance training and endur-ance training.

Resistance Training:Your physical therapist or personal trainer

will help you determine how much weight you can lift one time. You’ll then develop a lifting

HEALTH BENEFITS FROM EXERCISEThe current physical activity guideline from the United States Department of Health and Human Services and the Office of Disease Prevention and Health Promotion for adults is a minimum of 150 minutes per week of moderate intensity exercise with 2 or more days per week of strengthening exercises. Some older adults or those who are disabled who cannot follow these recommendations should be as active as they are able, and to consult their healthcare professional. Reduction in risk factors and disease, from exercise, will help individuals to recover quicker from illness and permit older people to live longer with greater functional capability and better quality of living. Other benefits include:

• IncreasedCardiacOutput• DecreasedFat• IncreasedBoneDensity,decreasingtheriskofosteoporosisorfracture• IncreasedBloodGlucoseIntake,decreasingthediskofDiabetes• Preventthe3-5%DecreaseinRestingMetabolism• Preventthe5-7lbperdecadeLossofMuscleTissue• IncreaseGIRate,tohelpreducetheriskofcoloncancer• DecreasedBloodPressureandImprovedLipidProfiles,reducingtheriskofheartdisease• IncreasedMusculoskeletalFunction,reducingtheriskorpainofarthritis


schedule like this one, and do it 2-3 times per week. (see the table above)

Endurance training also has necessary principles addressed when designing a pro-gram including. First, pick the specific activi-ty. Choose from cycling, running, tennis, golf, swimming, skiing, or walking. Determine the number of sessions, with time adding up to 150 minutes per week. Know the intensity you want to put forth into training, as measured by %-age of max heart rate or rate of perceived exertion. Higher intensity workouts require shorter time of work-out, and lower intensity requires longer duration.

So, find a sport, exercise or activity that you like. You will stay committed if you do something you enjoy.

After exercise, a cool down allows the blood that has been pumping to your muscles to return to the heart and lungs and decreases the risk of delayed onset muscle soreness.

After cooling down, one should stretch. Stretching can decrease power and force pro-duction; therefore, it is not recommended prior to exercise. Stretching before exercise is only favorable for individuals in sports requiring a large range of motion, like a gymnast. Mini-mal research supports pre-exercise stretch-

LOAD (WEIGHT) REPETITIONS SETS REST

Low Power (75-85% of 1RM*)

3-5 >1 2-5 minutes

High Power(80-90% of 1RM)

1-2 >1 2-5 minutes

Strength(85% of 1RM)

4-6 >1 2-5 minutes

Hypertrophy(65-85% of 1RM)

6-12 >1 30 secs-1.5 minutes

Muscle Endurance(<65% of 1RM)

>12 >1 <30 seconds

*RM=repetition maximum

“A physical therapist is a healthcare professional who maintains, restores and improves movement, activity and health, enabling an individual to have optimal functioning and quality of life, while ensuring patient safety and applying evidence to provide efficient and effective care. Physical Therapists evaluate, diagnose and manage individuals of all ages whohaveimpairments,activitylimitationsandparticipationrestrictions.Inaddition,physi-cal therapists are involved in promoting health, wellness and fitness through risk factor identification and the implementation of services to reduce risk, slow the progression of or prevent functional decline and disability and enhance participation in chosen life situa-tions.”

American Physical Therapy Association, January 2011


ing as beneficial for injury prevention. Static stretching is a prolonged hold that must last at least 30 seconds. Bouncing your stretches is detrimental, because it causes micro-tears in your muscles.

Hydrating is important prior, during and after exercise. One should drink approximate-ly 1 pint of fluid, preferably water, 2 hours before exercise. During exercise one should drink enough to replace fluid lost through sweat. After exercise, you should drink 1 pint per pound of fluid lost in sweat. You do not require electrolyte or carbohydrate drinks un-less exercising greater than an hour.

Muscle soreness may occur after exercise, but muscles repair to adapt and prevent future damage from the same stimulus. Use ice if muscles are sore after exercise.

If you are afraid to exercise, talk to a healthcare professional, such as a physi-cal therapist.

People who tend to fall or injure themselves

have the greatest fear of exercise, but are also those who need it the most. Bal-ance can be improved by strengthening, and by exercises requiring quick stepping. Dizziness should be assessed by a physi-cian.

Exercise is the key to healthy living. At this stage of life you are hopefully wiser and will use your experience and knowledge for motivation to stay healthy to continue to do what you love for years to come.

________________________

REFERENCESBaechle, T.R., & Earle R.W. (2008). Essen-tials of Strength Training and Conditioning (3rd ed.). National Strength and Conditioning Association.

Mazzeo, R.S. (2013). ACSM Current Com-ment. American College of Sports Medicine. Indianapolis, IN. http://www.acsm.org/docs/current-comments/exerciseandtheolderadult.pdf

United States Depart-ment of

Health and Human Ser-vices. October (2008). 2008 Physi-cal Activity Guidelines for Americans. vi-viii. http://www.health.gov/paguidelines

Westcott, W.L., & Baechle, T.R. (2007). Strength Training Past 50 (2nd ed.). Human Kinetics.


Brenda McCarty started journal-ing when she was taking care of her husband before he passed

away. Tom had prostate cancer and three years later it metastasized to his bones. The Center for Hospice South-east Connecticut was called in during the last four months of his life.

“It was an intense four months,” says Brenda noting that the challenge was not only the cancer but Tom’s “OCD personality.”

She started using a journal to log Tom’s needs, his moods, his conver-sations. It was all about Tom. One of the hospice nurses suggested that she journal her feelings about what was going on in her life. And when Tom passed away 5 years ago, at the young age of 58, and after 38 years of marriage, Brenda began to write for herself. It was her first experience with journaling and she doesn’t con-

The healing power

of pen on paperBy Patricia Ann Chaffee

Expressive Arts

Brenda McCarty


sider herself much of a writer. But there was something about putting that pen to paper that helped her get through that difficult time.

“He really truly was my best friend,” says Brenda. “We were always together. He was support-ive of everything I wanted to do. We worked together and played together. There was just uncon-ditional acceptance.” Besides working together, in their com-puter consulting business, they shared Tom’s hobby of building toys and fur-niture. “While he built, I did the finishes. I had lost my builder. There was a void in my work, and a void in my hobby.”

Brenda took up oil painting to fill the void. It was there that she met Maribeth Stone and they became close friends un-til 2012, when Maribeth lost her own battle with cancer. The painting group that had grown so close has stayed together because Brenda arranged for another art teacher to guide the group that meets at her home now.

“When you don’t have your ‘go to’ person anymore and you’ve never lived alone, well, it’s hard to put into words. But there is some-thing about art and healing,” says Brenda, who also lost her mother after Tom died.

She lost her husband, two close friends and her mother in a five year period. Journal-ing helped her get through it all. After Tom

died she wrote to him as if having a conversation.

She found this helpful, and at the one year anniversary of his

passing, she shared her most inti-mate feelings, pouring out every-thing she had into her journal. It was completely uncensored and free. She

didn’t want anyone to read it and when she was done, she burned it.

“Something spoke to me in that process,” says Brenda who has not chosen to journal in an ongoing way. “We have two choices in life.

We can lie down and feel sorry for ourselves or we can make the most of ev-ery day.”

She chooses to make the most of every day spending time in creative ways. She volunteers both at High Hopes ther-apeutic riding center and at the expressive arts pro-gram offered through the

Center for Hospice South-east Connecticut.

Journaling, also called expressive writing, is a means for healing, particularly for emo-tional trauma. James W. Pennebaker, a Profes-sor and Chair, Department of Psychology at The University of Texas at Austin, is a pioneer in the study of expressive writing, His stud-ies have found that the release experienced in writing your feelings about an emotionally traumatic event can positively affect the im-mune system. Studies are ongoing, and over the years the journaling process has become increasingly accepted by therapists and other

Brenda & Tom McCarty


practitioners as a means of working through difficulties in life.

Kelly Niebergall has over 10 years expe-rience with writing, editing and group facili-tation. She recently founded Healing Pens, where she encourages brain injury survivors and their caregivers to use the reflective writ-ing process as a source of healing, recovery and creativity. She is the assistant director for the University of San Diego Public Affairs De-partment, but she trained for her Healing Pens work at the Center for Journal Therapy in Col-orado, where she is enrolled in the Therapeu-tic Writing Institute. She has a masters degree in creative writing from San Francisco State University. Her interest in helping people re-cover from traumatic life experiences surfaced when her father had a debilitating stroke that left him paralyzed, unable to speak or write. His whole life changed.

“To help me cope, I wrote through it all,” says Kelly. “I wanted to share that process with other people. I think it (journaling) is one of few avenues where people have to be hon-est and be themselves. It’s a great way to put your heart out there. Putting it on paper makes it real.”

Putting it on paper enables the writer to

look back on a journal entry and see how it ap-plies today and if they have grown, or if their circumstances have changed. She says it’s ideal to write at least three times a week but it is more important to set realistic goals for a writing schedule. She uses writing prompts in her workshops to help get participants started, that are tailored toward helping people work through the traumatic event in their life.

One prompt she uses is to write a letter which may or may not be mailed. Another is to create a dialogue with another person,

Kelly Niebergall


with the self, or with a higher pow-er. Thinking about hope and how to keep hopeful is another beginning as well as tapping into feelings about what is happening with your body as it works through grief. A third is a springboard list to get started. Here are a few she suggests:

• TodayIfeel….• Ilovethisaboutmyself…• Mygrieffeelsworsewhen….• Mygriefislike…

“Don’t worry about spelling or grammar,” says Kelly. “Take

a stab at being honest. You’ll be sur-prised by what you find. It’s an amazing

experience. Some people are resistant in the beginning and I am amazed at how they do over the week. Some just don’t want to put feelings on paper. It takes a lot

of bravery.”

Resources for writing available at the Center for Journal Therapy at www.journaltherapy.com. Read Kelly’s story and learn more about www.HealingPens.com.


Every now and again I come across a book that is a classic for all time, a book that I love to read over and over,

and want to share with others. My Beautiful, Broken Shell – Discovering Beauty in Our Brokenness is just such a book. Illustrations by Bobbie Wilkinson help me to settle into the words in a relaxing, comforting way as if the beach sand sifted between my toes and sea spray dampened my pages as I read.

Adams’ book began in 1982, she writes in her preface, when she learned that her hus-band was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. She went to the beach, a refuge for so many of us when life presents challenges. Walk-ing and gathering seashells along the way, she noticed a broken scallop shell and tossed it away for its imperfections, and then upon

reflection went back to pick it up again, no-ticing the similarity between her brokenness and that of the shell.

“God spoke to me about my brokenness, and I put His words on paper,” she writes. And so it is. A reflection, a prayer, a poem, a metaphor for life filled with inspiration, comfort and solace, in times of uncertainty. It is a celebration of our brokenness in a time and culture, when the pursuit of perfection is priority. In sharing these reflections, I think Adams seeks to help all who are broken or even scuffed up a little, in any way, if only for a time, to honor that brokenness and to know that through the strength of our human spirit and through prayer, we can thrive. She does this in a gentle and inspirational narra-tive that takes the reader along her walk as

Books & MoviesMy Beautiful, Broken Shell By Carol Hamblet Adams



she discovers her own, beautiful broken shell. This small, yet powerfully insightful read

is written for people of any faith. The au-thor addresses her higher power as Lord but I believe her intention is not specific to any particular religious tradition. I don’t be-lieve the spirit of the book would exclude people of other faith traditions who could definitely find it pur-poseful regardless of whether or not they use the term Lord. One could easily in-terchange the prayer to read, Dear Bud-dha, Krishna, Vish-nu, etc. This spiritual text would be well suited for anyone who at the very least, believes in some higher power, re-gardless of what you call him or her. It is easily relatable and earthy in its ability to touch people in a foundational way that can be transfor-mative.

Part of the charm of taking this jour-ney with the author is the organic simplicity of both the illustrations and the words. Im-ages by Wilkinson evoke remembrances of

meandering beach walks past, seeing the dark shadow of a mermaid’s purse, the sway of the dune grass, a piping plover, starfish and sand dollars, sand pails and shovels and even foot-prints in the sand.

There is only a sim-ple, single thought on each couple pages, leaving time for re-flection to ponder the invitation to embrace the experience. She first tosses away the broken scallop shell and returns to consid-er it further. So much like our life, we seek perfection, in our-selves, in others, in life. And we are sadly disappointed. We are challenged to see the beauty in that broken shell, the ones on the beach and the ones that we call life. Why is that? Upon reflec-tion, I’m not sure I care for the word “broken” in this con-text but that is per-sonal preference. We are not broken in our struggles, challenges and heartbreak. We

are “in process” and we are given the oppor-tunity for our lives to take on new shape, new form, just like the shoreline, forever evolving,

My Beautiful, Broken Shell – Discovering Beauty In Our

Brokennessby Carol Hamblet Adams


and forever beautiful. Adams offers a prayer of thanksgiv-

ing, “that I haven’t been completely crushed by the heaviness in my heart...by the pounding surf,” and she recognizes that despite that heaviness of heart, there is value in all of life’s experiences and how they shape and transform us. She writes of the strength and courage necessary to keep walking and to not be afraid of moving on, and the way that our broken shells inspire others with their resilien-cy, in a unique and special way. Her prayer continues reminding us to have patience during times of struggle and that anything is possible…including healing. The

gifts on the beach are many as they are in life and Ad-ams invites the reader to be themselves with no need to hide their pain. She notices sea glass and sandpipers, a lone starfish, a veritable jewel box of nature’s trea-sures and with her heart steeped in gratitude, she is

filled with inner peace. She prays, “Let me not

destroy the beauty of today by grieving over yesterday…or wor-

rying about tomorrow.” My Beautiful, Broken Shell and oth-

er inspirational books by Carol Hamblet Adams are available through www.Ama-zon.com.

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Our website widowedpathfinder.com makes it possible to read Pathfinder Magazine on the go. Subscribers can choose between the affordable print & online subscription or simply the online option, with full access to all of the articles through the website. Along with all the empowering articles, on widowedpathfinder.com you’ll find:

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Nutrition

If you think chocolate is “heavenly” you are not alone. The botanical word for Chocolate literally means “food of the gods”. During

this month of Thanksgiving, let us remember to be grateful for the humble cocoa bean. For from the bean comes those chocolate chip goodies, chocolate kisses, and delicious des-serts that lift our spirits even during the tough times.

It further enhances our enjoyment to un-derstand why the chocolate is actually good for our health. benefits. Chocolate can be re-ally good for us, but not all chocolate is the same.

If you want the health benefits, then for-get about creamy milk or white chocolates and candy coated chocolate bars. Look instead on the label for dark chocolate.

The health benefits of chocolate come from flavonoids, a type of phytochemical found in the cocoa bean. Dark chocolate contains a higher proportion of cocoa than white or milk chocolate. The more cocoa a chocolate prod-uct contains, the better its health-promoting content.

So what does dark chocolatedo for our health?

Research has shown that when dark choco-late is part of a healthy lifestyle, it can improve heart health, lower blood pressure and reduce LDL “bad” cholesterol. Louisiana State Uni-versity researchers tested cocoa powders and found that certain bacteria in the stomach eat dark chocolate, ferment it and then release the anti-inflammatory compounds that benefit the

Chocolate,Food of the Gods, a Blessing for Our

HealthBy Rosemary Collins, RDN


heart. Dark chocolate may also improve

blood sugar and insulin sensitivity, re-ducing the risk of developing diabetes.

How much chocolate should I eat to get the health benefits?

Limit the portion size because even though dark chocolate contains the “good for you” flavonoids, it also con-tains the “not so good for you “fat, sugar and calories.

Eating too much chocolate can undo any health benefits and lead to weight gain and the health problems that will bring.

A small portion of about an ounce should satisfy your taste buds, especially if you take your time, eat it slowly and savor that delicious taste! This will give some positive health benefits without add-ing to your waistline.

For example, a standard sized bar of Hershey’s dark chocolate has 531 calories compared with about 170 calories from an ounce of dark chocolate or about six Her-shey’s Kisses. A one-ounce serving has roughly the same calories as an equivalent portion of almonds, another heart healthy food.

The research indicates that two to three ounces of dark chocolate a week is all you

need to reap the health ben-efit. To satisfy your crav-

ing without the weight gain, a one-ounce

square in the afternoon or as a mini – dessert after dinner is fine.

What type of dark chocolate should I buy?A high percentage of cocoa will provide a

higher content of flavonoids. Most milk choc-olate contains up 50% cocoa, while some in-expensive chocolates contain as little as 7% cocoa. Look on the food label for dark choco-late with at least 70% cocoa for the finest dark chocolate rich in heart healthy flavonoids.

Most dark chocolate bars with 70% or more clearly label it on the front of the pack-age, but if you’re unclear, turn it over. If the first ingredient is milk or sugar, the bar is not going to have 70 percent or more cocoa con-tent.

Buying fair-trade cocoa or chocolate also helps farmers get a better deal for their cocoa and benefits their communities.



INGREDIENTS5 oz dark chocolate, chopped5 oz butter cubed4 oz light soft brown sugar6 oz-granulated sugar3 large eggs, lightly beaten4 oz self-raising flour8 oz lower fat soft cheese 6 oz fresh cherries, pitted

DIRECTIONS1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and

line the base and sides of a brownie tin with baking paper.

2. Place the butter, chocolate, light soft brown sugar and ½ cup of the sugar in a large saucepan. Heat gently, stirring all the time, until the chocolate and butter have melted. Remove from the heat and leave to cool for 5 minutes.

3. Whisk the eggs into the chocolate mixture, then sift over the flour, stir until thoroughly combined. Pour into the prepared tin and gently level the surface with a palette knife.

4. Beat the soft cheese and remaining caster sugar in a bowl until smooth. Drop spoonfuls of the mixture over the chocolate mixture and drag the tip of a knife through both mixtures to create a swirled effect. Scatter over the cherries.

5. Bake for 35-40 minutes, or until just set. The brownies should still be a little soft and squidgy in the center. Leave in the tin to cool completely before slicing.

Marbled Cherry Chocolate Brownies

SERVES 12


When we think of chocolate, usually desserts come to mind. But believe it or not, chocolate makes a great addition to savory dishes, as well!

Here is a savory recipe I have selected for you to try…

INGREDIENTS3 tablespoons olive oil4 onions, chopped2 pounds minced beef2 cloves of garlic, chopped2 cans (14 oz.) tomatoes2-4 red chilies, chopped1 red sweet pepper, chopped4 teaspoons ground cumin½ teaspoon ground pepper2 teaspoons oregano2 bay leaves2-3 teaspoons salt1-2 cans (14 oz.) kidney beans, drained2 oz. dark bittersweet chocolateCheddar cheese for garnishing (optional)

DIRECTIONS1. Cook the minced beef, onion and garlic in olive

oil.

2. Stir in tomatoes, chili, sweet pepper, salt and spices and cook for 15-30 minutes.

3. Add more chili, salt or spices as required.

4. Add beans and cook until heated.

5. Add chocolate, mix well when melted.

6. Serve with rice, cheddar cheese and a salad.

Chili Con Carney Chocolate

(Tex-Mex)

SERVES 6


When the wife of fast-food chain Jack-In-The-Box founder, Maureen O’Connor, lost her husband in 1994,

she was left between $40 and $50 million—certainly enough to keep the widow com-fortable for the rest of her life. But in 2000, she began gambling—and gambling some more. Soon, she found herself unable to stop, citing grief over losing her husband as one reason.

Although she won over 200 million dol-lars gambling, she lost a lot more – $1 bil-lion playing video poker over 10 years in the casinos of San Diego, Las Vegas and Atlan-tic City. Despite selling a home, hotel, her art collection and jewelry, O’Connor was broke and $13 million in debt. She needed more money—and got it by taking over $2 million from the charitable organization her

husband set up. Although she intended to pay it back, the foundation was left bank-rupt and O’Connor was left charged with a federal crime.

Formerly a mayor of San Diego and Catholic school teacher, O’Connor had been known throughout her community for her selfless service. Now, she is known throughout her country for having squan-dered her husband’s fortune – and worse – theft. According to the New York Daily News, O’Connor cried and said, “Most of you know, I never meant to hurt the city.”

Although her story is extreme, gambling addiction is not rare. Grief, loneliness and stress can trigger compulsive gambling. A Canadian study cited that in 2011, “more than half of all women and men living alone report spending money on at least one gam-

When Widow/ers Gamble: Entertainment or

Addiction? By Lisa Saunders

Mistakes


bling activity.” In actuality, anyone who gambles can de-

velop a problem if they do not gamble respon-sibly. According to the National Council on Problem Gambling (NCPG), “‘Problem Gam-bling’ includes, but is not limited to, the condi-tion known as ‘Pathological’, or ‘Compulsive’ Gambling, a progressive addiction character-ized by increasing preoccupation with gam-bling, a need to bet more money more frequently, restlessness or irritability when attempting to stop, ‘chasing’ losses, and loss of control mani-fested by continuation of the gambling behav-ior in spite of mount-ing, serious, negative consequences.”

According to the NCPG, “Women be-gin gambling later than men but devel-op problems more quickly.” In The Ari-zona Republic article, “New treatment center for compulsive female gamblers in Scottsdale: High number of women seek aid for addiction,” more than half of “compulsive gamblers in state-approved programs are women, and 55 percent of those seeking treatment say that slot machines caused them the most prob-lems.” A recovering female gambler, M.J. of Scottsdale, who wishes to remain anonymous, lost the $200,000 in life insurance money left to her by her late husband. “Her nightly limit

of losses quickly went from $200 to $2,500 and then $5,000…She hocked her jewelry and went into debt…”

Another former gambling addict, author Mary Sojourner, introduces herself in her book, She Bets Her Life: “Welcome to my world. I have been, and I will always be, a woman one bet away from being imprisoned by a slot machine…I played slot machines for

fourteen years, the last nine years compulsively. By the time I quit,

my life and nervous system were in ruins.”

Gambling addiction is not caused by casi-nos, lotteries and other types of gambling. According to NCPG, it is caused by “the individual’s inability to control the gam-bling… The casino or lottery provides the opportunity for the person to gamble.

It does not, in and of itself, create the prob-

lem any more than a li-quor store would create an

alcoholic.” Sojourner highlights the dif-

ferences in the pathological gam-bling patterns of men and women. “Men

usually begin a pathological gambling pattern during their teens, while women are more like-ly to become compulsive gamblers when they are older. Additionally, men are more likely to engage in action gambling (table play, rou-lette, sports betting), while women typically


play slot machines, video poker, or bingo. Ac-tion gamblers play for the rush, the high, and the big money. While bingo can provide social interaction for women, slots and video poker serve mostly as a means to escape into one’s own world. The onset of gambling addition with action play can range from ten to fifteen years. Most slot machine and poker addicts are hooked within a year or two.”

Of all the addictive behaviors such as drinking and drug abuse, gambling has the highest sui-cide rate. In The New York Times article, “Suicide Rate Higher in 3 Gam-bling Cities, Study Says,” a professor of sociology at the Uni-versity of California in San Diego exam-ined the death certif-icates in the “major gaming cities in the United States – At-lantic City, Las Ve-gas, Nev., and Reno – and found that suicide rates were up to four times higher than in com-parably sized cities where gambling is not legal.”

When Sojourner began writing about gambling addiction, she received a call from a tearful woman who had no idea her widowed mother had a gambling addic-tion until it was too late. She told Sojourner what it was like to find her mother dead on the living room couch next to an empty bottle of antidepressants and a folder on the floor. The

folder contained 11 credit card bills in alpha-betical order—all for a minimum of $5,000. On the front of the folder, the mother had writ-ten, “I am so sorry.” She had gambled away all her savings, the investments her husband had left her, and the bank was about to foreclose on her house.

According to the NCPG, casinos and other organizations that provide gambling have a

“responsibility to develop policies and programs to address under-

age and problem gambling issues.” To that end, Fox-

woods Resort Casino in Connecticut, the largest resort casino in North America, states that “We provide finan-cial support of the education, training and research efforts of the Connecticut Council on Prob-lem Gaming. If you think you need help,

please call 1-800-34 NO BET.” Their “Re-

sponsible Gambling” webpage includes the op-

portunity to self-exclude oneself from gambling on their

premises and the following ques-tions to help individuals determine if

they have a gambling problem:

1. Have you been preoccupied with thoughts of gambling while doing other things?

2. Have you been restless or irritable when


unable to gamble?

3. Have you hidden your gambling from family members?

4. Has gambling created conflict and unhappiness in your life?

5. Have you tried to stop gambling but have not been able to?

6. Have you gambled to obtain money to pay debts or solve other financial problems?

7. Have you needed someone else to bail you out of a gambling debt?

8. Have you ever borrowed money and not paid it back as a result of your gambling?

9. Have you been unable to pay bills due to gambling losses?

10. Have you ever thought you might have a gambling problem?

The Connecticut Council on Problem Gam-ing states that for those who don’t have a gam-bling problem, “the following steps can help keep gambling a fun and entertaining activity:

• Don’t use money needed for daily livingexpenses.

• Setadollarlimit.Identifyaspecificamountof money you can afford to lose and stop when that amount of money is gone.

• Set a time limit. Arrangeactivities away from the gambling, such as meeting friends for dinner.

• Don’t“chase”lossesand risk losing more money.

• Set some of the winnings asidefor other purposes.

• Remember that winning and losing areboth part of gambling. If you are not ready to lose, you are not ready to gamble.

• Viewgamblingasaformofentertainment,where there is a greater likelihood of losing than winning and the losses are the price of the entertainment.”

If you suspect that you or someone you know has a gambling problem, there are many free services and support groups such as Gam-blers Anonymous (http://www.gamblersanon-ymous.org). The National Council on Prob-lem Gambling (NCPG) website (http://www.ncpgambling.org) includes a toll-free, 24-hour confidential hotline at 1-800-522-4700 and links to other problem gambling related websites, an online directory of International Certified Gambling Counselors, and a locator for inpatient and residential treatment centers.

The following is an easy to remember phone number if you are out and find yourself in trou-ble: 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537).

Visit www.widowedpathfinder.com/index.php/read-online/10-2014-edition for bibli-ography.


Taking a spiritual retreat is an opportu-nity to step out of time, to carve out a space just for you, and to breathe in the

light of a new day. “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known de-feat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths,” writes Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. And a retreat experience can be a stepping stone in that direction.

Each retreat is a unique experience, each with its own style. Some focus on certain top-ics; they can be very group centered or soli-tary; some are filled with movement and ac-tion or steeped in silence and contemplation. They can be very religion based or completely non-denominational, and they can be far more spiritual than religious. They are an invitation to breathe in new life and provide an opportu-nity for peace, discovery and healing.

The Rev. Dr. Cynthia Good is an elder in the United Methodist Church. Since complet-ing her master of divinity degree at Yale Di-vinity School and a doctor of ministry degree at Hartford Seminary in 1999, she has served as pastor at three churches and interim pas-

tor at eleven. As im-portant as that work has been for her, it is facilitating retreats and offering spiri-tual direction that has really stolen her heart, and is where she focuses her min-istry now.

“I’ve led retreats since I was new-ly ordained,” says Cynthia, a breast cancer survivor who pursued spiritual direc-tion training just last year, while recovering from a double mastectomy.

“God made human beings because God loves stories. There is something about spiri-tual direction; you listen to people’s stories. I’ve always loved to listen to stories. During retreats, when you get people to talk with each other, you are giving people permission. You can feel people opening and being able to ex-pand their sense of selves and of their faith. It’s something you just don’t get during wor-

Spirituality

Retreats Offer Respite and Rejuvenation


Rev. Dr. Cynthia Good


ship. It’s opening up in a different way.” For people who are working through grief,

the retreat experience can really be a time of opening. At home we may stay closed off to others and closed off to new experiences. But having a quiet reflective time, either alone or with others, can be an opportunity for healing that may not happen in familiar surroundings.

Cynthia points out that some people choose to be alone while grieving. But it can also be helpful to be around people with similar sto-ries. And while the world seems to “allow” a certain amount of time that is acceptable for grieving, the retreat setting offers a place where you don’t have to be done, where there is no time limit on grief. Recognizing that

people grieve differently, retreats offer a con-tainer for the process, even if it is not a retreat specifically for dealing with loss.

“Retreats offer an opportunity to look re-flectively on life and life with God. It can help deal with loss and grief as well.”

Group and individual retreats both have their place in the healing process during dif-ferent stages of the journey. For many, being around others who have experienced signifi-cant loss in their life can be freeing. It helps to realize you are not alone, to be freed from feelings of guilt, and to see that there is light and life at the end of a very dark tunnel. And silent time within a retreat can serve a purpose

as well, helping to increase awareness of what you need and being honest about that knowl-edge.

“What people gain from retreat is a breath,” says Cynthia, “stepping away from your own life, spending time learning about yourself and about God. It’s an opportunity to talk with others in what is often a beautiful, natural set-ting.”

One of the things she appreciates most is when she is witness to a retreat participant experiencing one of those “ah ha” moments. She delights is seeing people open to the ex-perience and be surprised by what they learn about themselves.

“It’s important to have people to talk to

where feelings are held,” says Aruni Nan Fu-turonsky, Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health teacher and the senior Life Coach and Program Advisor for Kripalu Healthy Living programs. “The anonymity that people experience on re-treat fosters great intimacy and opportunity for connection.”

Kripalu is a retreat facility located in the Berkshires of Massachusetts that offers a plethora of programs year round on yoga, health and wellness, creativity and spirituality. It is one of many places throughout the coun-try that offer an escape from the everyday.

“We tend to ignore feelings in the western world,” says Aruni who offers Grief, Loss and


Renewal programs, among others, at Kripalu. “But if we allow the feelings (to surface and be recognized), if you confront it, you can heal it. I’ve seen amazing things happen. This is about taking time.”

For Aruni the retreat experience is about getting away, being around people who can listen, and being in a safe space where feel-ings are nurtured.

Increasingly, people are becoming aware of the need to nurture their body, minds and spir-its and nowhere is that more evident, than at the Rhine-beck, New York campus of Omega. Twenty three thou-sand people pass through the 200 acre, Hudson Val-ley campus annu-ally, according to director of external communications, Carla Goldstein. Omega offers re-treat programs in New York City and around the world.

“Everybody ex-periences grief and cycles of grief in different ways and at a different pace. People process grief in many, many different ways. Taking time to step back and reflect ei-ther by yourself, or with the help of a teacher can be highly beneficial.”

Carla suggests that it may not be specifical-ly a grief workshop that appeals to someone. They may take a writing retreat, or meditation retreat. Healing can come through a variety of means and often that can come through some

creative experience. Depending on where they are, they may feel ready to talk with other people. It can be a social outlet and an oppor-tunity to process the experience and because they aren’t talking with a family or neighbor, who might be too close to the situation, it can be very helpful.

“Grief is such an individual process. There are so many things to consider,” says Carla. “It is important to give space and time to grieve. We know from people who have been

here, that they find peace in the natu-ral surroundings. There is a sense of connecting as they come out of isolation and are reminded of the support all around them, immersed in this compassion-ate community. We take our role seriously as be-ing a place people can come and heal, from all kinds of things. We pay great attention to how people are treated when they’re here. The feedback we re-

ceive conveys that we help people heal and transform lives every day in small and big ways. There is life before Omega and life af-ter Omega. For many it is a life altering, heal-ing experience.”

Visit www.widowedpathfinder.com/index.php/read-online/10-2014-edition for retreat centers.

(above) Aruni Nan Futuronsky(below) Rev. Dr. Cynthia Good

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