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The Islamic Etiquette of dealing with people

Islamic teachings put great emphasis in how we deal with people in our daily lives. The prophet(S.A.W.S.) summed up his message by stating : I have been sent to perfect the best of manners. As Muslims, we, therefore, have to be aware of how each one of us deals with people inour circles. Our good dealings not only will ensure that we are not violating other peoples rights butcan also make us accepted, loved and appreciated by others. Luqman once said to his son, O my son: L et your speech be good and y our face be smil ing; you w il l be more loved by the people than those who give them provisions. (Mentioned in the stories of ibn Kathir.)

Experience shows that life becomes pleasant when we can manage our work and relationships well.Quranic wisdom and the example of Prophet Muhammad (p.b.u.h)s dealings with people shouldhelp us steer our relationships and keep them on the right track. This post highlights certainessential principles of Islam that guide us in this matter.

Not showing pride and arrogance It is so easy to get carried away by whatever we may possess of wealth and the good things of life. Itis so easy and common to credit ourselves with our achievements and feel proud of them, and then,as a matter of course, to look down upon others who havent been able to make the same effort or reach the status we might have achieved. What makes all this happen is our own ego and the ever opportunistic Satan who knows our vulnerability. And so The One Who cares for our well being themost, Allah the Most Merciful, has warned us against falling into the trap of pride and arrogance.

He Says in the Quran (interpretation of the Arabic meaning):And tu rn not you r face away from m en with pr ide , nor w alk in insolence through the ear th .Verily, Al lah l ikes n ot any arrogant boaster. (Surah Luqman:18)

The way to avoid pride and arrogance is to remember Allah as much as we can till it becomes ahabit to instantly thank Him for any good that comes our way. Thankfulness to Allah creates humilityin us and makes us aware that were not entirely responsible for all the good things of life. Wewouldnt have gotten them if He hadnt willed them for us, nor can we retain them if He decides totake them away from us.

Not to mock others

We often see people taking pleasure in making fun of others or mocking them. Is it that the egocraves for the satisfaction of proving oneself better than others by looking out for othersweaknesses and laughing at them? But Allah admonishes us:

O you who bel ieve! Let not a group scoff a t another grou p, i t may be that the la t ter are bet ter than the form er. Nor le t (som e) wom en scoff a t o ther w om en, i t may be that the la t ter are bet ter than the former. (Surah Hujrat, 11)

Allah tells us that our knowledge is restricted by our limited perceptio n. Since were not aware of anyones real worth, wouldnt it be foolish to laugh at those who might actually be better than us? Wecan curb this tendency by opening our eyes to the fact that when we think that others deserve to beridiculed, were actuall y fooling ourselves and no one else (though we might find a few thoughtlessand insensitive people to give us company in our foolish pastime).

Not addressing people with undesirable titles A general misconception about sense of humor is the so called ability to make others laugh. Givingnicknames to others on account of some negative characteristic that is noticed in them or even somedisability that they might be suffering from is a crude form of entertainment. Making fun of those whostammer, or are very short or lean, is obviously some form of indecency practiced by callous people,and enjoyed by others who lack sensitivity to human feelings. Allah warns us against such behavior and practices. He says:

. . . Nor defame your selves , nor insu l t one another by nicknames. Evi l i s the name of wickedness af ter fa i th . And who soever does not repent , then such are indeed wrongdoers (Surah Hujrat: 11)

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Refraining from tajassus (spying) Imam Al- Nawawi (rh) said that scholars have differentiated between tahassus , which meanssnooping and listening to other peoples conversations, and tajassu s, which means spying,seeking out other peoples faults and looking for secrets. Both activities are considered evil and havebeen forbidden. Allah Says:

O you who b el ieve! Avoid m uch sus pic ion; indeed som e suspic ion is s in . And sp y not ,nei ther backbi te one another. Would one of y ou l ike to eat the f lesh o f h is dead brother? You

wou ld hate i t . And have Taqwa of A l lah. Ver i ly, Al lah is the One Who forgives and accepts repentanc e, Most Merciful. (Hujrat 49:12)

Is it for want of a better activity to keep ourselves busy, that we enjoy peeping into others lives?

Seeking out information about other peoples state of affairs, searching and disclosing their secretshas been strictly forbidden. (Hence, to eavesdrop upon somebody while hiding or pretending tosleep is like spying on others.) Spying done with the intention of exposing the faults or unveiling thesecrets of others, is a sin. It also leads to backbiting which is Haram. Allah has closed every door that leads to the evil of backbiting and has made spying Haram.

Abu Huraira (RA) narrated that the Prophet (p.b.u.h) said: Beware of suspicion, for suspicion isthe wors t o f fa lse ta les ; and do n ot look for th e o thers faults and do not spy, and do not be

jea lo u s o f o ne an o ther , an d do no t des er t (c u t you r r el at io n w it h ) on e an o th er , an d do no t hate one another; and O Allahs worshipers! Be brothers (as Allah has ordered you! ).(Bukhari)

Our relationships should always have only a positive outcome. Thats the only way to seek Allahsfavor when in the company of others. We should say whats good or refrain from saying anything.We should also have the moral sense and courage to stop others from backbiting for even if wedont contribute to it, we become guilty of the sin by being silent listeners and participants. The bestmeans of avoiding it is by changing the topic or saying sensibly that we dont really know the wholetruth of the matter so that we shouldnt be unfair to any one.

Resolving differences with people

According to Abu Hurayrah (RA), the Messenger of Allah (p.b.u.h) said:The gates of Paradise wi l l be opened on Mondays and on Thursdays , and every servant [of Al lah] who assoc ia tes nothing with Al lah wi l l be forgiven, except for the man w ho has a grudge against his brother. [About them] it will be said: Delay these two until they arereconci led; delay these two unt i l they are reconci led . [Muslim (also by Malik and Abu Dawud)]

As long as we nurture any kind of enmity in our heart and prolong any conflict with a Muslim brother,were giving evidence of the weakness of our faith. For Faith in Allah is expressed throughobedience to Allah. And Allah has said this in the verses of the Quran:

The bel ievers are but a brotherhood . So make reconci l ia t ion b etween yo ur b rothers , and have Taqwa of Al lah so th at you m ay receive mercy. (Surah Hujrat:10)

So have Taqwa of Al lah and s et t le a l l mat ters of d i fference among you, and ob ey Allah and His Messeng er, if you are believers. (Surah Aanfal:1)

Whatever be our differences in opinions or feelings, were expected to set them aside and maintaingood relations with each other. Ego nafs is never to be allowed to supersede true faith. The wholepurpose of our life is to prepare ourselves for the hereafter, and with this long term goal in mind wehave to overcome pettiness and trivialities. Our constant struggle is with two real enemies. One isSatan who keeps making the world and worldliness more and more alluring for us. The other is our own ego that inflates our importance in our eyes beyond any sensible measure. It is these thatcause conflicts and misunderstandings.

Controlling your hands and tongue

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How do we resolve differences that have unwittingly or even intentionally cropped up? The best wayis to control our tongues and hands that might be too eager to express those feelings! Discretion inspeech and actions is the hall mark of a sensible person. We need to consciously practice patience;we need to learn to talk to ourselves, to introspect, before we give freedom to our tongue to have itsway. Especially when it comes to speaking about others or voicing our opinion about them, we needto be extra careful that we dont mislead anyone. Speaking thoughtlessly, o r on hearsay, amounts toslander about which we have been warned strictly. Allah Says:

And those who abuse believing men and wo men, when they have not meri ted i t , bear the

weight of s lander and c lear wrongdo ing. (Ahzaab33:58)Giving the benefit of doubt Attributing positive motives to others actions

It would help to keep away form slander if we could cultivate the habit of thinking well of others sothat even when we hear something negative about them we dont just get carried away by it but tryto see what could have gone wrong. Attributing positive motives to others actions helps inunderstanding them better. Let us also remind ourselves whenever we attempt to judge others, thatno one is perfect. We too have our own drawbacks which we wouldnt like being mentioned or discussed. Hence fairness requires that we do unto others what we expect them to do to us.Moreover, weve been assured protection and covering of our faults by Allah the Most Merciful onthe Day of Judgment, if weve been careful to cov er the faults of a Muslim brother / sister here onearth.

Expressing gratitude to others Expressing gratitude for favors done and help rendered is not only the basic requirement of socialetiquette but has far reaching effects. It strengthens our relationship and adds warmth to it. On theother hand, taking others for granted, however close the relationship might be, causesdisappointment and conveys the impression that we dont know how to value people, that we justknow how to use them! Thanks and appreciation expressed sincerely with a smile gives off a brightglow which is felt by the heart.

Smiling at others is charity Allah All Knowing considers smiling at others a charity. We know very well what a smile can convey absence of ill feeling, acceptance, warmth, and the willingness to share our time or space. Let usnot be miserly about brightening our face with a cheerful smile.

Visiting the sick Great merit has been attached to the act of visiting the sick. The Prophet (p.b.u.h) showed concernfor a (Jewish) woman whod throw waste on him whenever he passed her house. The day she failedto throw it, he enquired about her and came to know that she was sick. He tended to her through her sickness and when she recovered she instantly accepted Islam, seeing what character it develops inits followers.

Being kind, gentle, caring and concerned The prophet (p.b.u.h) has given us excellent examples in forgiveness, kindness and tenderness. Anold woman who intended to leave Makkah since she did not like the idea of a new religion beingpreached by a young man named Muhammad didnt realize that he was the one helping her bycarrying her belongings and accompanying her till the outskirts of the city. Complaining all the way

about a new faith being preached, which required giving up old customs and practices, she finallyasked the Prophet his name just before parting. On coming to know that this was the man onaccount of whom she was about to leave Makkah, she not only retraced her steps and changed her decision of leaving, but also accepted Islam seeing its exemplary representative and a living ideal!

ConclusionBad habits picked up over the years in dealing with people can sometimes be difficult to let go andmay not even seem that bad. However, we need to strive in changing the undesirable so our families, friends, peers, and others can see the better of us.