Published by The Royal Bank of Canada

The Gift of FriendshipIt is a privilege not given to everyone to

have friends, but most of us take it forgranted. Here we consider the unusualthing called friendship: What it is, what itmeans, and what to do to keep it alive...

[] Was there ever a sadder man than HowardHughes? With all his wealth, he could have hadanything money could buy. But what he did nothave and could not buy left him in the mostmiserable spiritual poverty. For, as far as anyoneknows, he was without a friend in the world.

A thousand popular songs have been written totell us that a life without love is not worth living.It was Hughes’s apparent fate to live and diewithout love, because friendship has love at itscore.

When most of us think or speak about friend-ship, however, we rob it of its rich emotional value.We have been conditioned to see love as theromantic passion celebrated in popular music,overlooking the less effusive and less volatile lovethat exists between friends.

This is partly because we use language loosely.We will say that "so-and-so is a friend of mine"when what we mean is that he or she is anacquaintance or an associate or a companion. Weare not really talking about someone who is joinedto us "in intimacy and mutual benevolence in-dependently of sexual or family love," as theOxford Dictionary describes a friend.

The great thinkers of history applied an evenstricter definition. They lavished attention on thequestion of what constitutes friendship because ofthe importance they attached to its role in civilizedsociety. They recognized that if people did not loveone another outside of their family or tribalgroups, the whole social structure would crumble.Perhaps because they put so much stock in it, theytended to idealize the relationship as an exaltedcondition towards which people must strive.

Modern men and women think of friendships incategories and degrees: business friends, social

friends, good friends, best friends, etc. The philos-ophers and writers of earlier times made no suchdistinctions. To them friendship existed only in itshighest and closest degree.

The intimacy demanded by their uncom-promising criteria was no less (and in many cases,more) than that which exists in a happy marriage.Aristotle said that friends are "one soul in twobodies." Francis Bacon characterized a friend asone "to whom you may impart griefs, joys, fears,hopes, suspicions, counsels, and whatsoever liethupon the heart to oppress it." Clearly friendship ofthis order of intensity is extremely rare.

"One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many;three are hardly possible," wrote the historian-philosopher Henry Adams. Dr. Samuel Johnsonwent beyond this to say that "so many qualitiesare requisite to the possibility of friendship and somany accidents must concur to its rise andcontinuance" that the greatest part of mankindmust content themselves without it and engage inalliances of interest and dependence instead.

It may indeed be that lesser creatures than Dr.Johnson and his partners in wisdom must make dowith lesser forms of friendship than the ideal statewhich they envisaged. But we ordinary souls canat least try to approach it by keeping in mind thatit is not a passive state, which means that it can-not be taken for granted. True friendship is notbeyond our reach if we give our friendships thecare and attention they deserve.

What are the qualities that make true friends?Probably the first one a person asked this questionwould name is loyalty. It is easy to keep up afriendship of sorts when everything is bright; ittakes effort and perseverance to remain a faithfulfriend when another’s life is plunged into dark-

ness. The expression that you can only tell whoyour friends are when you are in trouble datesback at least as far as the ancient Roman philos-ophers. The other side of the coin is that you canonly tell if you are a real friend to a person if youare willing to stand by him or her in times of dis-tress.

Whether friends should lend or borrow morethan minor sums of money between themselveshas always been a tricky question. The balance ofopinion is that they should not, if they wish toremain friends. Still, one test of real friendship iswhether you are willing to do what you can tocome to another’s financial aid in an emergencywithout a firm expectation of repayment. An evengreater test is presented to the other party -- to doeverything possible to see that the sum is repaid.

Yet another test of loyalty concerns reputation.It may be expedient for business or social reasonsto put a distance between you and friends whentheir fortunes are at a low ebb. Even more tryingcircumstances could arise. Say a friend is chargedwith a disgraceful crime: Would you insist on hisinnocence at the risk of your own reputation in theface of overwhelming evidence to the contrary?Say he is convicted: Would you continue to upholdyour friendship no matter what people might say?

Sharing what a friendis entitled to share

A friendly relationship of any degree entails ameasure of sharing. Friends routinely shareexperiences, ideas, efforts, wishes and materialthings. As an intimate friend you might be calledupon to share mental pain and heartbreak. Muchas you might dread it, you might have to see afriend through the fear and loneliness of a seriousillness or the death of a loved one -- knowing thathe or she would do the same for you.

Oscar Wilde had a good deal to say about thepure spirit of friendship when he wrote that if afriend had a feast and did not invite him to it, hewould not be upset in the slightest. "But if a friendof mine had a sorrow and refused to allow me toshare it, I should feel it most bitterly. If he shutthe doors of the house of mourning against me, Iwould move back again and again and beg to beadmitted, so that I might share in what I wasentitled to share."

It should not, however, take a crisis to test thestrength of a friendship, because "the one who willbe found capable of great acts of love is everthe one who is doing considerate small ones,"as the English preacher and man of lettersF.W. Robertson put it. Though friendships areoften forged in the crucible of mutual adversity --as witness the lasting devotion of old armedservice buddies -- they are more commonly con-structed piece-by-piece of little kindnesses overthe years.

The saying that there is no friend like an oldfriend mirrors the simple truth that a friendshipmust stand the test of time to confirm itself. It istrue, too, that the older we grow, the more wecherish our friendships; and the friends we arelikely to cherish most are the ones with whom wehave travelled long and far over the rough patchesof life along with the smooth.

It carries us far towards ourmain goal in life: happiness

The benefits of friendship in those good, smoothtimes should not be underrated. People do notstrike up friendly relations as insurance againstfuture adversity. They do so because, if theirpsychological make-up is somewhere near normal,they must have contact with their fellow humanbeings. The everyday conduct of friendshipsatisfies this deep instinctive need.

The basic appeal of friendship is the pleasure wederive from it. Our enjoyment of the world ismagnified when it is shared with someone ofsimilar attitudes and tastes. One of the chiefthings we share with friends is laughter. Friendsfind the same events and situations funny becausethey have roughly the same slant on life.

The philosopher William James once made thepoint that the only goal which is common to allmankind is to attain happiness. Friendship carriesus some distance towards that most desirablestate. It "doubles our joy," as the great essayistJoseph Addison phrased it. We formallyacknowledge this fact when we make sure thatclose friends are on the scene of such joyfuloccasions as weddings and birthday celebrations.But many of us fail to appreciate the happinessthey bring to our lives day in and day out.

In our modern mobile society, it is sometimesimpossible for friends to keep in regular touchbecause they are separated geographically. Wecan become quite lazy about showing our farawayfriends how much we value them with cards,letters or telephone calls. For those of us who arethus remiss, there may be some comfort in RalphWaldo Emerson’s thoughts on the essence offriendship: "...To feel and say of another, I neednever meet, or speak, or write to him; we need notreinforce ourselves or send tokens of re-memberance; I rely on him as on myself..."

Where friends are concerned, absence mayindeed make the heart grow fonder. When twopeople are regularly together, they grow all toowell aware of each other’s moods, failings andfaults.

But friendship is a matter of give and take inevery way, including the allowances that must bemade for each party’s lapses. We are obliged bythe nature of the relationship to accept our friendsas they are, flaws and all.

This is not a bad thing, since it teaches us thevaluable lesson that even we are not exactlyperfect. If a friend with whom we share so manycharacteristics can have so many faults, it followsthat we must have a few of our own.

No one can keep a friendship alive withoutpractising consideration, which is the reasonexceedingly self-centred persons are almostinvariably friendless. It is the essence ofconsideration to refrain from saying things thatmay wound our friends’ feelings. When theyinadvertantly hurt our feelings, we should beequally silent. The observation has been made thatthe chief qualification for partnership in asuccessful marriage is to be a "good forgiver." Thesame applies among friends.

On the other hand, tact can be carried too far insome cases. There may come a time when it is yourbounden duty to call attention to the potentialfolly of a friend’s acts. We would not, after all,stand by in silence and watch a friend suffer aninjury from a third party without intervening. Bythe same token, we should not stand by and watcha friend injure him- or herself.

A Middle Eastern proverb defines a friend as"one who gives you warning." That nicelydelineates the difference between criticism of afriend for his own good and criticism for its ownsake. Human nature being what it is, people arefar less zealous about seeking out their ownfailings than those of others. It is not the functionof a friend to be a judge or censor, and we shouldguard against the habit of gratuitously naggingpeople when their welfare is not clearly at stake.

When one is unquestionably obliged to let afriend know where he is going wrong, one is just asstrongly obliged to see that the criticism goes nofurther. "Reprove your friends in secret, praisethem in public," is advice that goes back to the 1stcentury, when it was written by Syrus, the Romanslave-poet. Unfortunately, it is often honoured inthe breach: "If men knew what others say of them,there would not be four friends in the world,"wrote Pascal. If you can find nothing good to sayin public about a friend in a given situation, saynothing at all.

"There is a friend who is a friend in name only,"the Bible warns. By their ultimate disloyalty youshall know them. From Adam and Eve forward,men and women have been betrayed by seemingwell-wishers who were secretly acting for their ownadvantage. Drama and fiction over the centurieswould have been lost without the sinister figure ofthe false friend.

In real life such figures will be found at workcurrying the favour of more powerful or morepopular individuals. Several vulgar names areused in plants and offices for those who make apoint of cozying up to the boss to advance theircareers. They appeal to their victims’ vanity byfeigning admiration and affection. The objects ofthese bogus sentiments should "be advised thatall flatterers live at the expense of those who listento them," which is the moral of La Fontaine’s fableof The Crow and the Fox.

The more power people amass in business,politics or other walks of life, the less they can besure of who their friends are. The story is told ofa newly-appointed bishop who remarked thatthere were two experiences he would never haveagain: eat a bad meal and hear the whole truth. Hemight have added that he would never again makea friend he could trust entirely. The friendlessness

of the high and mighty is compounded when theyhave dropped their old friends on the way up theladder of earthly success.

"Friendship is the privilege of private men; forwretched greatness knows no blessing sosubstantial," wrote Nahan Tate, a 16th centurypoet and dramatist. This is partly so because therelationship between the great and their socialinferiors is essentially unequal. The most fulfillingfriendships, like the most fulfilling marriages, arebetween equals who treat each other as such.

In any case, there can be no authenticfriendship where one party contrives to get moreout of it than the other. It may in fact happen thatone helps the other more than vice-versa, but thatis immaterial to the nature of the relationship. Ina real friendship, the less fortunate party would bejust as forthcoming if the roles were reversed.

’Absent friends:’ the immortalfigures who live in our hearts

It is therefore debatable whether people candeliberately "make friends" for any purpose butfriendship itself. We are sometimes advised tostrike up an association with more admirable soulsto improve ourselves, or to replace old friends withnew ones because the old are bad companions.

Faced with this advice, one might do well tothink of the young man whose father gave him acopy of How to Win Friends and Influence Peoplewhich he returned with a note saying, "tooartificial." It may be possible to seek and find truefriends as it is possible to seek and find true lovers;but, as in romantic love, the best results areobtained by letting nature take its course.

Dr. Johnson apparently thought otherwise. Hesaid, "If a man does not make new acquaintencesas he advances through life, he will soon findhimself alone." But though it is true that we losefriends to death as we grow older, in a way theyare immortal. Those who have passed out of ourfives in the physical sense will live on in our heartsas long as we do. This phenomenon is recognizedin the old army toast to fallen comrades -- or, assoldiers say when they raise their glasses, "toabsent friends."

While they are still alive, friends should betreated as the precious gifts of fortune they are. Inhis classic essay "Of Friendship," Emerson wrote:"We take care of our health, we make our rooftight and our clothing sufficient, but who provideswisely that we should not be wanting in the bestproperty of all? -- friends?"

’The only way to havea friend is to be one’

The same essay carried Emerson’s famouspronouncement that "the only way to have afriend is to be one." To be a friend in the classicalsense is no fight undertaking. Consider thequalifications for the role, as listed by the Earl ofClarendon: "The skill and observation of the bestphysician, the diligence and vigilance of the bestnurse, the tenderness and patience of the bestmother." Bishop Jeremy Taylor was, if anything,more demanding: "The greatest love, the greatestusefulness, the most open communication, thenoblest sufferings, the severest truth, theheartiest counsel, and the greatest union of mindsof which brave men and women are capable."

There are sacrifices to be made in attempting toraise our friendships to their highest potentialstate, but the fortunate part of it is that friendshipis one of the few human pursuits that makessacrifice a pleasure. It is also one way in whichordinary men and women can reach for spiritualnobility. This is because "an effort made for thehappiness of others lifts us above ourselves," asthe American humanitarian Lydia Child said.

The qualities of character required for truefriendship are quite simply the best qualities ahuman can possess: unselfishness, tolerance, fore-bearance, trustworthiness, faithfulness, honesty.If we fragile mortals feel unequal to the effort ofapplying all these qualities all the time, we mighttry a little harder if we remember that we aredoing it out of a kind of love which yields love inrepayment. And to love and be loved is worth allthe effort we can possibly make.