FADE IN:

BLACK SCREEN

SUPER: SATURDAY 4:20 P.M.

INT. PADDYS PUB - AFTERNOON

The bar is hazy FRANK and CHARLIE are sitting in the cornersharing a joint.

CHARLIEMan, this is some great Iraqi Bush.Quality shit.

FRANKDammit Charlie, I told you tentimes already, its AfghaniKu--(coughing) Kush.

CHARLIEHehe oh, right. But yeah man, greatIraqi bush.

DENNIS and DEE enter.

DEEOh, come on!

DENNISThats all you two bums have beendoing lately, dont you haveanything better to do?

DEEIT SMELLS LIKE CAT PISS IN HERE

FRANKIts legal now - why not?

CHARLIEYou guys are really harshing me andFranks mellow. You need some ofthis bush.

FRANKYes hahaha you two need to chillcome over here.

DENNIS and DEE look at each other. They shrug at each otherand head over to FRANK and CHARLIE as CHARLIE passes thejoint to DENNIS. DENNIS hits it, holds it in and passes toDEE.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

DENNISHey, this isnt half bad.

DENNIS exhales while DEE takes the smallest hit and startsuncontrollably coughing.

CHARLIEOh COME ON DEE!

FRANKYoure wasting it! You dumb bird!

DENNISYou stupid bitch.

DENNIS, FRANK, and CHARLIE all start laughing and yelling atDEE

CHARLIEDEE YOU STUPID BIRD!

FRANKBIG DUMB STUPID FAT BIRD!

DENNISDEE..... BIRD!

The guys start laughing so hard they start crying andcontinuing to pass and smoke the joint while purposelyexcluding DEE. DEE, looking furious, stands up.

DEEYou guys are assholes! Have funwith your REEFER Im going to go dosomething with my life!

DEE storms out of the bar.

DENNISYou guys, here me out, nobodysdrinking beer anymore, we haventhad a customer since Marijuana wasdecriminalized so how about insteadof selling alcohol we sell-

CHARLIECheese!

FRANKI could go for some cheese rightnow.

MAC and DEE enter.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

MACWhats up sinners? HEard you guyswere smoking the Devils Lettuce! Iadvise you to stop!

MAC does karate moves towards the guys making WHOOSHINGnoises with each move.

CHARLIEReally Dee? You told on us?

DEEYou guys were being dicks!

FRANKNobody like a narc, Dee.

CHARLIENARC!

MACI know weed is legal now, but thatdoesnt mean its good for you.Weed is stupid and it makes youdumb! If you want my advice--

DENNISWe dont MAC. But please, give itto us anyway Jesus.

FRANKWhen did Jesus come back?

MACMarijuana could never be usedmedicinally because like allmedicine people are going to abuseit but with the power of the lord--

CHARLIEMac, listen, weed is GREAT andweve been over here brainstorming.

FRANK shoots up and throws his hands in the air.

FRANKWERE GOING TO SELL CHEESE!

DENNIS stands up with CHARLIE.

DENNISNo, you imbeciles, weed! WEED! Wesell.... weed.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

DENNIS, FRANK, and CHARLIE look at each other. ECU of howred and squinted their eyes are as they all grin slowly.

CUT TO:

MAIN TITLES

SUPER: "THE GANG GETS MEDICATED"

SUPER: "ITS ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILEDELPHIA

ACT ONE

INT. PADDYS PUB basement - Weeks later

DENNIS is standing with his arms folded, lookingaccomplished. CHARLIE is painting a sign on the grown. Awide shot shows the basement is full of marijuana plants andproper lighting needed to maintain cultivation.

DENNISCHARLIE Ive done it. We will be upand running soon and in no time wewill be rolling in women and coldhard cash.

CHARLIEHow do you expect these girls tothrow themselves at you man?

DENNISAh, you see Ive been working on aspecial strain, a strain sopowerful, a strain so pure, sobeautiful--

DENNIS walks up to a plant and begins stroking a leaf.

DENNISA strain infused grown speciallythat, when smoked, women will findme irresistible, having no choicebut to throw themselves at the manthat gave them that free sample.

DENNIS grins maniacally kissing a leaf. CHARLIE stares athim flabbergasted.

CHARLIEDENNIS... you are a genius!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

DENNISYes, hows the sign coming?

CHARLIEWell I think it looks pretty damngood!

CHARLIE holds up a sign with scribbles and illegible writingand a crude drawing of some cheese.

DENNISYeah, thats not going to work Iprobably should have given you adifferent job.

DENNIS walks over to the corner and picks up a mop andbucket.

CHARLIEI should go clean the bathrooms.

DENNISYeah, clean the bathrooms buddy.

CHARLIE grabs the mop and buck from DENNIS and walks up thestairs a la Charlie Brown with his head down. DENNIS patshim on the back as FRANK enters.

FRANKAlright so Im paying for all ofthis shit, when do we start gettingsome poon?

DENNISAh, now were talking.

DENNIS puts his arm around FRANK and inaudibly talks aboutthe plant.

CUT TO:

EXT. DEES CAR - AFTERNOON

DEE and MAC are in DEEs car and driving around passing andtaking turns hitting a bowl of marijuana.

DEEThose guys were right, this stuffisnt bad.

MACYeah, Im absolutely loving it. Ifeel so relaxed.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

DEEIm feeling loose, Im feelingweird.

MACI think we could do better thanthem, DEE, we should start our ownbusiness.

DEEMAC thats exactly what I wasthinking, we dont need need thosedickbags!

MACBut if theyre using the bar howare we going to sell?

DEEThats the thing. We do it on thestreets! We could be like a weeddelivery service!

MACWe could just stand outside, likein an alley or something, andspread the word, let people know!

DEEBut where do we get the weed?

DEE & MACCRICKET.

A shot from outside the car shows DEE and MAC are at a stopsign.

MACThis lights been red a really longtime.

CUT TO:

EXT. BACK ALLEY - AFTERNOON

MAC and DEE are walking in a back alley. CRICKET is seensleeping under a garbage bag.

DEEHey idiot, wake up.

DEE kicks CRICKET. CRICKET jolts awake. CRICKET looks up andDEE and MAC see that he is bald.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

CRICKETNot you guys, what do you want.

MAC jumps and does a swift karate kick in the airaccompanied by a WHOOSHING sound effect.

MACWe need drugs CRICKET!

CRICKETIf I guys get you drugs, will youleave me alone?

DEEYou have a deal. We need a pound ofmarijuana.

CRICKETWhoah, what are you planning ondoing with that?

MACWere going to sell it.

DEEOn the streets!

CRICKETYou guys know thats illegal right?

MACNo its not you idiot, weed islegal now so we can do whatever wewant with it!

CRICKETPretty sure thats not how itworks-

DEEWhat would you know? Yourehomeless.

MACYeah, stupid homeless idiot!

DEESo can you get us the drugs or not?

CRICKETI guess so as long as you guyspromise to leave me alone, youveliterally ruined my life!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

MACWhat is he talking about?

DEEBeats me.

CRICKETI WAS A PRIEST WHEN I MET YOU GUYS!A man of the lord, and last yearyou guys locked me in yourapartment that was ON FIRE.

MACOooooh yeah... sorry about that.

DEECRICKET you have our word, get usthe drugs and we will leave youalone forever.

CRICKETAlright meet me back here, tonightat 11:00 P.M.

DEE and MAC head back to her car and get in it.

CUT TO:

EXT. DEES CAR - NIGHT TIME

CRICKET hops into the back seat and throws a big paper bagonto MACS lap.

CRICKETAlright its all there. You guysneed to come up with $1,600 bytomorrow night. I had nothing togive my guy in collateral and Idont know whats going to happenif he doesnt get paid.

MACNo worries CRICKS, we got this!

CRICKETThis is some good stuff, my guysaid its called angel dust.

DEEYeah, yeah, whatever. CRICKET yousmell like shit. Get out of my car.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

CRICKETDo you guys have anything to eat?Im starving.

MACGET OUT!

CRICKET gets out of the car.

DEESo we should start selling this assoon as possible.

MACYeah... I think theyre going tokill him if we dont get the money.

DEEYeah, theyre most definitely goingto kill him.

MACDont you think we should at leasttest this out first? You know justso we know what were selling?

DEEPit stop at Paddys?

MACPit stop at Paddys!

MAC kisses the brown bag and DEE drives off.

ENF OF ACT ONE

CUT TO:

INT. PADDYS PUB - EVENING

ACT TWO

DENNIS, CHARLIE, and FRANK are stocking the shelves andsorting buds of marijuana into separate jars.

DENNISTomorrows the big day fellas!

FRANKThe women!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

DENNISThe weed!

CHARLIEThe cheese!

FRANKWe got cheese?!

CHARLIEYeah, we should get-

DENNISWill you two shut up about cheesealready? I need you two focused!

CHARLIEIll just eat some of the cheesefor the rat traps!

DENNISNO! For gods sake. THERE WILL BENO CHEESE. We are professionalbusinessmen now and we need to actlike it. CHARLIE go hang this signoutside, no thanks to you.

CHARLIE takes the sign that reads "DISPENSARY" and opens thedoor. MAC and DEE enter.

DEEWhats up dickbags?

MACDEE and I are changing the game!

DENNISWhat are you talking about?

DEEYou guys think youre so coolopening up a dispensary but weregoing to sell on the streets andmake a lot more money than you dumbasses.

DENNISYeah, well good luck with that.

MACWe have to test this out firstthough.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.

FRANKLets roll up a fatty!

DENNISWere basically ready for tomorrowso why not!

Shot of joint being rolled and lit up close. Camera pans incircular pattern to each character a la THAT 70S SHOW.

DENNISThis stuff, whoo, it is GREAT!

DENNIS clenches his fists and screams out of excitement.

CHARLIEYou guys, I found the cheese.

CHARLIE is gnawing on one of his shoes, laughinghysterically.

DEEYou guys, Im a bird.

DENNISYeah Dee, youre a big, dumb stupidbird, we get it.

DEENo, like Im actually a bird.

DEE stands up and walks over to a mirror and stares into it.In the mirror is a reflection of an ostrich.

FRANKYou guys, I can feel my toenailsgrowing. They wont stop.

MACYeah this angel dust is amazing wewill have no problem selling thisDEE. DEE? DEE?

DENNIS stands up and grabs MAC.

DENNISDid you say... angel dust?

MACYeah thats what CRICKET told methis strain was called.

MAC puts his hand up to DENNIS face caressing it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 12.

DENNISYOU IDIOT THATS NOT BUD ANGEL DUSTIS PCP!

MAC leans in to kiss DENNIS. DENNIS starts screaming at thetop of his lungs. This sets off a chain reaction as FRANKand CHARLIE join in.

CUT TO:

INT. PADDYS PUB - NEXT MORNING

AN outside shot shows PADDYS sign with a crudely painted"DISPENSARY" sign hanging by one corner. Inside MAC andCHARLIE are spooning on a blanket in the middle of thefloor. DENNIS walks out of the office with a bong completelynaked.

DENNISWhat. The. Hell. Happened. You guyswake up. We open in one hour!

MAC and CHARLIE wake up. CHARLIE pushes MAC away and standsup. MAC groans and gets up and scans the room.

MACDid we... smoke PCP?

DENNISI dont want to talk about it, getthis cleaned up we dont have muchtime.

DENNIS rips the bong and passes it to MAC.

MACCould you put some clothes on?

DENNISWhy MAC? Does the male bodyembarrass you? Does my peakphysical condition, this... Body ofa GOD bother you?

MACIts actually kind of turning meon.

DENNISWhat was that?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 13.

MACUhhh... I mean, I said Its dirtyand wrong!

DENNISAlright Im going to go wash up andthrow some clothes on. Where thehell are DEE and FRANK?

DENNIS goes into the office. MAC passes the bong to CHARLIEand starts frantically searching the bar.

MACWhere is it man?!

CHARLIEWhere is what?

MACThe dust! The drugs! We have tosell them today!

CHARLIEOh, DEE took them.

MACWhat? When?

CHARLIEAfter we all smoked PCP, DEE tookthe bag and ran off. And we ate somuch cheese dude, haha.

MACYoure telling me DEE took thedrugs and RAN OFF with them?

CHARLIEYeah she said she was a bird andran out of here flapping her arms.Also, you kept asking me if I wouldoil you down?

MACThats irrelevant. We need to findDEE as soon as possible.

CHARLIE and MAC leave.

CUT TO:

14.

EXT. BACK ALLEY - MID MORNING

FRANK and DEE are sitting in the alley smoking the angeldust and shivering. CRICKET frantically walks up to them.

CRICKETHey hey hey, so did you guys sellit?

DEESell what?

FRANKGet out of here CRICKET!

CRICKETThe drugs, did you sell the drugs?

DEEYeah about that...

FRANKWe smoked it all!

CRICKETYou guys are joking right?

CRICKET picks up the bag next to them and rifles through itrealizing it is empty.

CRICKETIM DEAD! IM AS GOOD AS DEAD ANDITS ALL YOUR FAULT!

FRANKHey, chill man.

DEEYeah, chill, we can fix this.

FRANKWait, how?

CRICKETYEAH DEE EXACTLY HOW ARE YOU GOINGTO FIX THIS.

DEEWe just go back to the bar. Wherewe have plenty of weed! We can sellthat!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 15.

FRANKDEE youre so smart.

A van pulls up and two guys in black masks jump out andattack CRICKET. They put a bag over his head and throw himinto the van and drive off. DEE and FRANK look at eachother.

DEEOh shit.

FRANKLets get out of here!

FRANK and DEE get up and start running in the oppositedirection.

END OF ACT TWO

CUT TO:

INT. PADDYS PUB - AFTERNOON

ACT THREE

Outside shot of Paddys shows people lined up outside thedoor. Inside DENNIS is all dressed up behind the counterselling to customers. There is an exceptionally attractivelady at the counter. MAC and CHARLIE enter.

DENNISAh great you two are here, can youguys take over. Im going to takeSAMANTHA here to the office to tryout some of the product.

GIRLIts CHERYL.

DENNISYeah, whatever, come with me.

DENNIS puts his arm around her and winks at the guys.

CHARLIEWe cant find DEE or FRANKanywhere!

MACIm really starting to get worried,they took the PCP.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 16.

DENNISHahahahhaha (sarcastically) Youguys think I care? Not my problem!

DENNIS slams the office door leaving CHARLIE and MAC to takeover. MAC steps behind the counter and continues to servepeople. Paddys is noticeably full, almost crowded.

CUT TO:

EXT. BEHIND PADDYS

FRANK and DEE are behind Paddys figuring out a game plan.

DEEHow are we going to sneak in andsteal the weed?

FRANKIve got it! Ill sneak in throughthe vents and climb into thebasement, we can smuggle it outthat way!

DEEAlright sounds good... you knowwhat sounds better?

FRANKMore PCP?

DEEExactly! I was thinking the samething! I mean ooooh I know itsbad.

FRANKSo bad.

DEEBut so good! Okay so we smuggle outthe weed, sell that, and then buymore PCP?

FRANKI mean CRICKETS probably dead bynow.

DEEYeah, CRICKETS definitely dead.Hurry FRANK. Im going to godistract the guys.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 17.

FRANK climbs in a back vent, barely fitting, and wiggleshimself in.

CUT TO:

INT. MCPOYLES HOUSE - AFTERNOON

CRICKET is sitting tied to a chair with a bag on his face.Two masked men are standing across from CRICKET and take hisbag off.

MASKED MAN #1It is our understanding that youowe our boss some money.

MASKED MAN #2And unfortunately those idiots yougave the drugs to to sell, screwedyou over.

MASKED MAN #1Those same people have screwed usover.

MASKED MAN #2Many times before.

MASKED MAN #1Thats where you can help us.

CRICKETWhats going on? are you guys goingto kill me?

MASKED MAN #1SHUT UP!

MASKED MAN #1 slaps CRICKET across the face and takes offhis mask along with MASKED MAN #2 revealing to cricket thatthey are RYAN and LIAM MCPOYLE.

CRICKETWhat do you guys want me to do?Ill do anything.

LIAMWell we arent going to kill you ifyou do just one thing for us.

RYAN pulls out a pack of matches from his pocket. Close upof RYAN and LIAM look at each other and smile then look atCRICKET. MARGARET MCPOYLE comes out of the shadows andstares at CRICKET and licks her lips.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

RYANSo, what do you say, CRICKET, wouldyou like a go at MARGARET?

LIAMMMMMMM yes? Hahahah take itallllll!

CRICKETWhat? No! You guys are twisted!

LIAMFine. Be that way.

RYANMore for us!

The MCPOYLES start touching each other and kissing eachother on the neck. CRICKET starts gagging and grabs the packof matches and runs out.

CUT TO:

INT. PADDYS PUB OFFICE - AFTERNOON

DENNIS is sitting in his chair looking across at CHERYL. Heis rolling a joint and licks it and then seals it and handsit to CHERYL.

DENNISHere you go. You know I cant helpbut notice your bust. Is that a 32?

CHERYLUm, excuse me?

DENNISWhy dont we just smoke.

DENNIS lights the joint for CHERYL as she looks extremelyweirded out. The camera pans upward and we see FRANK,crawling through the vent above them. FRANK is very sweaty.

FRANKShit, I think I made a wrong turn.I can just work my way back-

FRANK tries to wiggle backwards but the vent breaks andcomes crashing down with FRANK inside. The vent/FRANK hitsCHERYL in the head, knocking her immediately unconscious.FRANK gets up and points at CHERYL.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 19.

FRANKOH SHIT!

DENNISFRANK WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOINGUP THERE?

FRANKExcuse me one moment!

FRANK runs out of the office. DENNIS kneels over to CHERYLto feel her pulse.

CUT TO:

INT. PADDYS PUB - AFTERNOON

MAC and CHARLIE are working like crazy grabbing money andhanding out bags of marijuana frantically. DEE walks in andapproaches them.

DEEHey guys.

CHARLIEDEE Im not in the mood for it!

MACLeave us alone DEE were prettybusy!

DEEI just wanted to help!

MACYou know how you could help? Bygetting lost you stupid bitch! Iknow you took the drugs! Where arethey DEE?

CHARLIEYeah stupid bitch!

DEEWhatever, Im done with you guys!For good! I dont need you dicks!

DEE storms out of the bar. On the way out DEE passes CRICKETon his way in thinking nothing of it.

MACHey CRICKET you cant be in hereyoure going to scare offcustomers!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 20.

CRICKETUhhh, I just need to um, use thebathroom.

CHARLIEAlright, but make it quick.

CRICKET looks troubled and is nervously sweating. CHARLIEand DENNIS dont notice anything off because they are sobusy. CRICKET hurries over to the basement steps and goesdown. A big crash is heard, and FRANK runs out of theoffice.

MACWhat just happened?

FRANKCANT TALK I HAVE TO GO!

FRANK leaves. The bar is starting to get hazy and thick withsmoke. Everyone is starting to smile and become stoned.DENNIS comes out of the office smiling cheek to cheek witheyes as red as blood. DENNIS walks up to CHARLIE and MAC.

DENNISIs it just me or is it really dankin here?

MACYeah, Im feeling pretty roastedmyself.

CHARLIEHey, howd it go with that girl?

MACYeah, did you bang her?

DENNIS(Laughing uncontrollably) I thinkshes dead! Hahahah hey guys lookslike were almost out Im going torun down and get some more!

DENNIS walks over to the basement door and opens it to hugeflames.

DENNISHey guys... the basement is onfire.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 21.

MACGood one DENNIS.

DENNISFIRE! THE BASEMENT IS ON FIRE!

CHARLIEWHY ARE YOU YELLING!

MACOh my god, hes not joking!

DENNIS is looking down in the basement, CRICKET is heard offin the distance.

CRICKETIm sorry guys, I had no choice!

DENNISEAT A DICK CRICKET! EVERYBODY OUT!

DENNIS slams the basement door shut, locking it and therebysentencing CRICKET to death.

CUT TO:

EXT. PADDYS PUB - NIGHT

Paddys Pub is engulfed in flames. The gang is watching fromthe street. The gang is noticeably high and in complete awe.

CHARLIEWell, that escalated quickly.

FRANKThis is where it ends.

DEEYeah, this is kind of a bummer towatch.

MACIm hungry as shit.

DEEMe too!

FRANKI could go for some grub.

DENNISWell, what do you say? Lets go getsome food!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 22.

The gang embraces each other and walks off screen laughingas there is not much left of a burning Paddys in thebackground. Sirens are heard off in the distance.

END OF ACT THREE

FADE OUT:

END CREDITS