Okay, so whenever I make comments outside the narrative, Ill do it in bold. If its just a few words I think should be cut (which I noticed a lot of, its a pretty common thing to need trimming like that) Ill just strike them through in the text.

Obviously these are all just suggestions, feel free to use or ignore whatever you like. Cooper sat inside of his car, fiddling with his glasses, until finally he saw the windows popped up in front of his eyes him.

He gave his profile a looked through his profile for any spelling errors, any book/movie/tv show he listed that was not deep enough to make him look interesting, or anything that was so deep it would set himself up for failure if a pretty girl happened to be deeper than him and liked it as well and they began making small talk about it, therefore making him look like a schmuck like it as well. With this mentality he edited out Doctor who and The Trial and replaced them with Star trek and Catcher in the rye respectively. Both thought provoking but still accessible pieces of media, he thought, both and would fit more easily into any conversation about interests and play to both sides.

He scanned his profile a few more times again and decided it was as good as he could make it. He started taking took deep breaths and thought positive thoughts about himself, just like his therapist had taught him. After a few seconds, Then, he opened his door and stepped got out of his car and took the long walk across the parking lot to the bar, the warm buttery yellow glow of the windows piercing through the night and the collective chatter of all the patrons coming together in a collective buzz.The cursor in his glasses followed his Iris over to the door as he input his login information. The door slid open.The bar was packed. Instantly all the profiles popped up, each one following the head of the person it belonged too to, sometimes flickering or bobbing in and out.For this line, Id think it was strange that the profiles pop up instantly (implying a fast and reliable service) and that they flicker in and out (implying questionable service)Cooper grabbed a seat sat at the bar and sunk his ass into the in a leather swirling chair and adjusted the height. He looked up at where the menu was projected screen and shifted (its either sifted or scrolled, here) through the drinks. He couldn't decide what to order, and Already he sensed people looking at him and reading his profile. Sweat dripped down his forehead. and He started to hyperventilate quitely.

(Avoid a lot of long sentences in a row, especially in tense moments or action sequences. Dont be afraid to use two short sentences instead of one long one.) Scotch, he issued a voice command said. The machine picked a glass with its arm and put it under a fountain. A private window popped up and he had the choice to either catch it while its slid across the bar or for it to be handed to him have it handed to him, or have it slid across the bar.Without thinking, he clicked on the option for it to slide.The machines arm traveled along a conveyor belt attached to the ceiling. as a voice that wouldnt sound out of place coming from a early 1980s arcade cabinet announced One scotch, coming right up! The voice sounded like it came from an early 1980s arcade cabinet.(Would your character even know what that voice sounded like, or is this out of place?) and pushed the glass along its way. Cooper wasnt really paying attention to what he was doing so he and yawned, closing his eyes in the process. By the time he had opened them again there was a pile of broken glass and a stain on the hardwood floor.(Since everything up to this point has been about Coopers nitpicking of detail and obsessing over this moment, I find it hard to believe hed screw up purely by not paying attention. Perhaps he tries to catch the glass and fails, instead?)Everyone erupted in laughter, and Cooper joined in. He thought it would be a good idea to play this up for a certain appeal. He chuckled awkwardly and looked down, and scratching the back of his head. and went Uhh heh,heh. He tried to and everything he could think of so he could mimic the character of an awkward but well-meaning male caught in a situation hes unsure of how to handle. Using a public selfie camera he watched himself through a window in his glasses and positioned himself in the most photogenic angel angle he could so everyone could see the best side of his baby face.

Some people turned around and started looking across the bar for potential mates, using this to get a conversation started. Some people stared at cooper for a while and gave him a like or a dislike.(Some people is used twice and weak in general. Try perhaps, He overheard a handsome older man nearby use the scene as an excuse to start a conversation with a bored looking redhead. Others sized up Cooper, giving him a like or a dislike. )After a few moments, the bar returned to normal.Someone who was mingling among the crowd caught cooper's eye.(Again, someone is pretty weak. Try A girl in the crowd caught Coopers eye. Blue hair. Just the right amount of chub to remain attractive and bring her down to his league. A collection of clothes clearly all bought at a thrift store. A pair of small petite glasses resting on a small nose. and underneath that, an even smaller pair of lips smeared with black lipstick bundled with a soft round face. Faded jeans. Bored expression. Carried a purse with a book sticking out of it. James Joyces portrait of the artist as a young man. (Capitalize titles.)

He gave her a like.

Suddenly a sound rang out from coopers glasses. The girls window changed to pink and a small cupid arrow flew through it. Cooper smiled. I hit the jackpot, he thought.The girl girls head turned to face Cooper. She chuckled and walked over to him. Smooth moves. Instantly cooper thought of the most embarrassing time in his life so that he would flush his face red on command, his face would flush, then he shrank back a little bit and anxiously tapped his foot. Uhh, thank you.

His eyes met hers and he began to read her profile. Her name was Sarah. It said she was a feminist. This was great, as it meant he didnt have to fake confidence to attempt to impress her, because she already had enough for the both of them. It said she had a dominant personality and that she was opinionated and didnt take bullshit from anyone and that she loved books and art and music and she double majored in film and feminist theory.

Bam, bam, and motherfucking bam, Cooper thought. He really had hit the jackpot. She was everything any man could ever ask for. He started thinking about a future together, if they dated, all the cool shit his friends would say to him and all the shit Sarah would say back to them if they ever angered her or got on the wrong side of her opinions. He thought of how he would change into something he really could be proud of with time, and how he wouldnt even have to fake anything anymore because through the osmosis of a relationship he, too, would be the perfect specimen.It was the closest thing to love at first sight cooper would ever feel.So, He placed his head up and deepened his voice , attempting to look like was attempting to look cool and failing but in the back of his mind nervous that hes actually being straightforward and not submissive enough or maybe too submissive, making him fuck the whole thing up and talk entirely normal for the rest of the sentence. I read on your profile that youre a feminist. Thats super cool.

Thanks. She looked at his profile beforehand so she thought he agreed with her instead of ninja editing his profile the moment he laid eyes on her. Cooper still couldnt give less of didnt give a rats ass on feminist issues, through, about feminism, but the prime demographic of girls he had in mind did and he knew well enough from experience that changing your act to fit a case to case basis was a foolish move.She looked up at him, and looked him over. He was the spitting image of her type. Lanky. Awkward. Full head taller than her. Clear complexion. No facial hair to be seen. Shy. All the things cooper acted out were the things she was looking for and cooper,if a failure at most things, was halfway decent at pretending to be a caricature of an appealing mate to certain demographics.They booth stood there for a few minutes, thinking of questions to ask. But all of the small talk they could have spouted at each other had been answered by the others very well thought out and nicely written bio. Cooper cherished this opportunity to prove that he did indeed Enjoy the company of another person, even if we have nothing to say to each other. and leaned against the bar with a content look on his face. Of course, in reality he was bored out of his skull, but he knew he was getting somewhere, so he just paraded around the mental image of himself changing his facebook relationship status and that carried him through.You enjoy walks and people watching, right? Cooper said

YepWell, theres bound to be some people out this time of night. Care to take a stroll? Im sure there'll be plenty of food for conversation.

She smirked. Sure

The doors slid open as she walked beside him, mindful to keep her distance. Not too close, but not too far. Sometimes looking at each other and sometimes looking at any of the bars gaudy love-themed corporate decorations surrounding the outside lot. Both They drifted in and out of conversation with one another, both playing the same game and using the same tactics: portraying just enough interest to communicate themselves as a potential option but not enough for it to be a sure fire thing to ask for a date. Both where uneasy to give the other the high ground and both knew the golden rule: Avoid the dreaded neediness at all costs.(The story seems to shift perspectives here, from Coopers to theirs. Is Cooper supposed to realize shes doing the same thing to him, that hes doing to her? Keeping things exclusively to Coopers point of view is probably a strong choice.)They walked past the parking lot and a convenience store and a gas station till half a mile had passed them and , then they hit the ultimate scenic route: The board walk. Starry night, high tide, old rickety wood keeping them from falling into ice cold water filled with duck shit. It was a Long, completely straight walk with a few small docks spiking off the side to overlook the nasty, polluted water. Classic, a bit romantic but not too romantic as to set off any creep alarms in her head, cooper thought.(Its the ultimate scenic route, but also covered in duck shit, over polluted water? Also, being right on the water, close enough to have attached docks, there is little chance that the boardwalk would be perfectly straight it either wouldnt be able to support docks, or it would follow the coastline more closely.)

They walked for quite some time, making nothing but They made small talk until Cooper noticed a fat, gangly silhouette out in the distance waddling across the board walk his way. It was wearing a hoodie and had some scruff underneath its chin, but Cooper couldnt tell if it was an acceptable target for mockery or not. The fat stuck out like a sore thumb, but he if he attacked him/her for that it would come off as shallow, especially considering how sarah was a bit on the chubby side, it wasnt the most strategic move to come down on it for that. Cooper stopped to fake a yawn, so they could stand still for a second and the figures stride would meet up with theirs so he could get a full scan of it.(If the distance is so great that the person is a mere silhouette, and Cooper cant even see the shirt, its unlikely hell see chin scruff.)The first thing cooper saw (hes already saw a bunch already) was a my little pony shirt coupled with a n7 hoodie. Fuel for a fire if he had anything else that would really sink him. As the ever imposing mass of neckbeard got closer, his own profile popped up and cooper began to scroll through it. He looked carefully for something that would mark him as an asshole, something that would make it justifiable to laugh at all the shallow things.

The profile was normal for the most part. He was pretty smart when writing it as well. Looking for a girlfriend, was preferenced prefaced with or some new friends so he doesn't wouldnt seem like a complete creep when talking with hipster girls, not to mention plenty of other tricks cooper implemented on his own profile to gain him more access and widespread appeal. He still lived with his mother but had a job and went to school and was interested in videogames and anime and all that geeky stuff, just like anyone else his age. He seemed to have checked out, until cooper scrolled all the way down to the very bottom and looked at his political views. I dont really get feminism.

Cooper turned to sarah and saw from the way her eyes were scanning back and forth she was reading it too. Sarah closed her own window quickly and muttered out Ew when the neckbeard finally reached them. Cooper yelled out to him, Hey man, you sure your Fluttershy figures appreciate you making a dating profile? Sarah giggled and the Brony continued on, merely raising his stubby middle finger as he walked past them.God, cooper said, I really dont get people like him.

I know, right?

How could you even walk out of your house like that?

At least he wasnt wearing a fedoraCooper tipped his imaginary hat and said Mlady Like clockwork.Yeah, well anyways, Sarah started to continue on, but cooper didnt notice.I mean, seriously, what is wrong with him? He should know that what hes doing is basically walking around wearing a big Nice guy target on his face. He looks like a complete asshole.

Yeah,well I mean...

Thick skull, I guess. If he showed a bit of respect for himself and didnt just waltz out the door without shaving that THING on his neck, and maybe if he had a bit of a fashion sense, we wouldnt be having this conversation.

Jeez, man. Calm down.Cooper didnt hear her. He was having too much fun to pay her thoughts any attention right now. I dont get feminism. He said with air quotes. What kinda bullshit is that? Just read up on the internet for a bit and youll be fine, its not that complicated. I cant imagine anyone not being a feminist this day and age.

Sarah stopped in her tracks and looked downward hiding her face as he continued to rant and rave. She made a fist and clutched her purse and wiped a few tears and took a few deep breaths and said Ya know, I dont always understand it either.Cooper, in turn, stopped in his tracks and looked back at her and stared in disbelief. He tried his hardest to compute what was just said to him and what he should do about it. Usually, a guy says it, to which he has a prepared lecture to spout out from his imaginary soapbox. But a girl in his demographic? He couldnt do that, it would make him lose so much ground. So he stood, motionless and in a state of shock.Like, I get privilege and stuff and I understand that women are misrepresented in media and there's systematic oppression against women and all the bullshit transgenders have to go through and how we stuck by age old gender roles and stuff but like, she stopped to take a deep breath Sometimes I feel people dont really know what they're talking about and just throwing buzzwords around and sometimes I really wanna ask and I wanna know what they mean, if they really mean anything anyway, but Im just too afraid of coming off as a bigot, ya know? (I got lost a bit here. This is a piece set in the future, but this description of feminism/womens rights is VERY 2010s. High context words like privilege, transgender, gender roles etc. mean a lot to feminists in the 2010s but its not something that was really discussed in the same terms 20 years ago. 20 years from now, the coded language will likely be quite different than it is today, so this passage seems very anachronistic.)Cooper saw that she was crying a bit . Almost instantly, cooper placed He put a hand on her shoulder and looked down. Its ok, I can be like that sometimes too.

A lot of how I look, she started. A lot of it is just something I do to fit in, ya know? Im not really that much of a dominant person. I havent been majoring in feminist theory all that long, this is just my first year of college and Ive only taken a class in it and we havent covered it a lot so far. Im so afraid to let anyone know I dont know that much about it because I really dont want anyone to think Im stupid or behind the times or that Im like... she stopped a moment to wipe some tears. that Im like that guy we just past passed. Hell get laughed out of the bar, man.

Cooper saw his chance, now. She was weak. She needed someone to sooth her insecurities. He had nothing prepared but goddammit if he couldnt improvise. He knealt down so their heads met and said Hey man, I know we just met and all, but do you need a hug?

She nodded and hugged cooper.

As her head buried itself she buried her head into his shoulder, the biggest shit eating grin spread across coopers face.

(Careful to avoid passive sentences. She buried her head a person taking action is better than Her head buried itself.)And this fucking thing, she took Portrait Of An Artist out and threw it on the ground. I bought it at a thrift store for like 3 bucks two weeks ago and I could barely get past the part where I think everyone is eating dinner. It was really weird. I dont like it.

Yeah, cooper agreed without thinking.

I feel so fucking fake, dude. I mean I like feminism, I like film, I like art and stuff like that but whenever I talk to someone about it its just so fucking scary for some reason. Like if I dont live up to this standard all these other girls are living up to no ones gonna want me, ya know? Feels like I have to force this personality and wear this mask thats really just an exaggerated version of something thats only just a part of me, and I really hate it. Like I need friends but I cant be too dependent on them because thats a female stereotype I feel I shouldnt be so I hide that clinginess away and walk around in this confident shell that all other girls seem to have and its really really hard to keep up.

Well, Cooper smiled. You can always be yourself around me.Thanks, Sarah said, drying the tears from her eyes. I think well be very good friends.

Cooper hoped to god that was code.

(Overall it seems like a really interesting concept a guy who is incredibly fake finds a girl who is similarly faking it. The story opens strong with plenty of action and thoughts on the part of Cooper, but the second half of the story sort of falls into the trap of explaining itself we should see evidence of how Sarah acts, how she behaves, the specific fake things she does and talks about that attract Cooper, rather than just be told about them. There should be moments after meeting Sarah where Cooper likes her and doesnt realize shes being fake. There should be more character development with the fake versions of Cooper and Sarah getting to know each other, before the Brony causes Sarah to break down.Maybe weaving some talk of Feminism into this part of the conversation will allow you to cut down the Feminist infodump at the end so much at once feels kind of preachy, like the story is sacrificing itself for its message. Dont make that mistake tell a great story first, and let the message be what it will.I think as part of their conversation, Sarah needs to do something, or Cooper needs to find out more about Sarahs fake personality, that its a good idea to just unload on the Brony like he does. Its a pretty careless move for someone who pays so much attention to how he should behave to get girls, surely hes heard of the watch how your date treats the waitress rule.Maybe the Brony says hello to Sarah, Sarah says something mean, giving Cooper the idea that its a good thing to unload on the guy? So far nothing hes discovered about Sarah suggests shaming him into the ground is a good idea.)