5 4 Volume 35 Issue 5 | Skeptical Inquirer

The Flying Spaghetti Monsterand the Pastafarian QuatrainsJONATHAN C. SMITH

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It had begun six months earlier. Inthe sleepy town of Corvallis, Oregon,unemployed twenty-five-year-old slot-machine technician Bobby Hendersonhad had enough. Frustrated with theKansas Board of Education’s push toteach the Biblical creation myth next toDarwin in biology classes, he demandedthat his deity, the Flying SpaghettiMonster, receive equal classroom time.His now-famous letter (revered byPastafarians as a Holy Document) pro-claimed: “Let us re member that thereare multiple theories of Intelligent De-sign. I and many others around theworld are of the strong belief that theuniverse was created by a Flying Spa -ghetti Monster.” Flying SpaghettiMonsterism, or Pastafarianism, caughton (Henderson 2006). Henderson’sChurch of the Flying Spaghetti Mon-ster website (www.venganza.org) re-ceived millions of hits. Serious articlesappeared in the New York Times andScientif ic American. A new world reli-gion was born.

Yes, I was moved, perhaps touched,by His Noodly Appendage. My wintervacation had started. Basking in thewarm artificial glow of the fireplace inmy local coffeehouse, I opened my newcopy of Anagram Genius, a dangerous

piece of software that mercilessly findsall legal anagrams for whatever phraseyou desire. Just for fun, I plugged inwords that seemed to fit my mood andthe spirit of the season:

The Meaning of Life.Eight anagrams (arranged into quat-

rains, to ensure credibility), caught myattention:

The f ine game of nil.Fame? I feel nothing.Feeling f it? Ahem, no!One f ine lame f ight.Feel fate homing in.

O, female! Fine thing!Fine gin, hot female.The engine of a f ilm!

Astonishingly, each line is a perfectanagram of “The Meaning of Life.” Andthe message was obvious. Life is a game:a lame fight with no meaning. Fame andeven health are empty. Fate rules. Whatis one to do? Drown oneself in gin andfemales. And note the sardonic conclu-sion: all of this is a sleazy grade-B plot,“the engine of a film!”

This is not how I wanted to start thegreat season of hope and joy. A persistentinner voice prompted my next step: “Feedthe phrase ‘Flying Spaghetti Monster’ toAnagram Genius.”

My trusty anagram generator neededfour hours to spew out its assignment.However, the results were astonishing—like tablets, manna, or possibly pasta fromheaven. The first anagrams (spa ghet -tigrams) of “Flying Spaghetti Mon ster”formed something of a proclamation:

Ifound God on Christmas in 2005. The New York Timeshad just reported a new web sensation, the FlyingSpaghetti Monster (FSM). And like a twist of wet dan-

gling spaghetti, my spiritual journey took a dramatic turn.

When not analyzingspaghettigrams,Jonathan C. Smith (akaJon Smith) is a licensedclinical psychologist,professor of psychologyat Chicago’s RooseveltUniversity, and head ofthe Pseudoscience and

Paranormal Lab. His recent book, Pseudo-science and Extraordinary Claims of the Para-normal: A Critical Thinker’s Toolkit (Wiley-Blackwell, 2010), is emerging as a populartext in critical thinking. E-mail: jsmith@roo-sevelt.edu. Webpage: www.lulu.com/stress.

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Finest might, sporty Angel,Mostly f ighting a Serpent.Sting of almighty Serpent,Petty mangler of insights,Floating pestering myths.Temptingly f ights reason.Fight gentlest parsimony.Myth-generating flip-toss.

Again, each is a perfect anagram of“Flying Spaghetti Monster.” At thetime I was writing a textbook on criticalthinking, pseudoscience, and the para-normal (Smith 2010). The quatrainsseemed to comment on my writing.Who is the Angel? Obviously it is truthand reason, the main themes of my para-normal book. Who is the Serpent? Theenemy of truth and reason: pseudoscien-tific thinking that mangles in sights, floatspestering myths, and temptingly fightsboth reason and one of the most power-ful tools of critical thinking: parsimo-nious analysis, or Occam’s razor. Andhow does the serpent do this? By creat-ing truthful-sounding myths out of the“flip-toss” of coincidence.Incidentally, Iswear to god(s) this came from a dream.A voice instructed me to program Ana-gram Genius to generate only spa -ghettigrams containing the word flip.“Myth-generating flip-toss” is what I got.

Faced with such provocative in sights,I feverishly devoted the three weeks ofmy vacation to unearthing spaghetti-grams. It became an obsession, consum-ing four hours of coffee shop time everyday, seven days a week. A remarkable epicbegan to unfold—a battle between rea-son and pseudoscientific delusion: thestory of the Angel and the Serpent.

Before we get to the story, let us takea step back. Why should anyone takesuch anagrams seriously? The world’spremiere anagram expert, William Tun-stall-Pedoe (2007), has noted the un-canny and enigmatic meaningfulness ofanagrams. It is in deed remarkable that:

Debit card = Bad creditSlot machines = Cash lost in ‘em

Dormitory = Dirty roomChristian = Rich at sin (or Rich saint),

Atheist = Eat shit, andSkeptic = Sick pet (or It pecks).

Indeed, throughout history ana-grams have been linked to deep mys-

teries (Curl 1996; Michaelsen 1998). Itis possible that Hebrew Kabbalists be-lieved anagrams contained secret myster-ies. Some Nostra damus quatrains con-tain anagrams that continue to move andinspire people. Anagrams occur in theBible. In sum, anagrams are true (“as arare argument”).1

I decided to treat the remainingspaghettigrams with archaeological re-spect—a twenty-first-century version ofthe Biblical Dead Sea Scrolls. Like manyarchaeological artifacts, the spaghetti-grams emerged as fragments, which re-vealed a startling messaging as I piecedthem together. I was driven by the truththat each came directly from the deity,the FSM. (Indeed, no other religion canmake such a provable claim about itsscriptures.) Together they form what Inow call Pastafarian Quatrains. (Smith2006, 2008). The epic battle between rea-son and delusion began to unfold.The Preparatory StanzasThe first quatrains warn that pseudosci-entific thinking often poses as a wiseangel. However, we should be skepticalof gospels that superficially appear plau-sibly angelic but are nevertheless false.These gospels may seem to be “finesongs,” but they are actually “mighty,tempting, nagging, flimsy prattle.”

Fine songs, mighty prattle,Lengthy f igmentary posts,Angry song, emptiest f ilth.

Temptingly soft singer? Ha!Salty might of presenting?This flimsy, potent nagger.

“Angel ’s” gift or inept myths?Petty insights from “Angel.”The stifling, empty groans.

But the quatrains then warn againstgetting too upset about pseudoscientificattempts masquerading as reason. Angercan get in the way of productive discus-sion concerning matters paranormal:

This petty gem of snarling.Self-tormenting, pithy gas.This flimsy, potent nagger.Might of petty gnarliness.

Snarl! Shifty, tempting ego.Empty sage snorting f ilth.Snotty, if angriest, phlegm.Angry flight to emptiness.

The Passion QuatrainsPerhaps as a sign of its truthfulness, thePastafarian Quatrains rival the HolyBible’s stories of passion and lust. Thebeautiful and poetic Passion Quatrainsvividly portray the risks of courting delu-sional intellectual attachments, here sym-bolized as passion.

This frosty pig gentleman,Tormenting shapely gifts.Phony flirt gets steaming,Then flings petty orgasm.

Filthy G-String Poets. Amen!Manly poet, G-String fetish.

Fetish groans temptingly.Penalty of thirsting gems.

Tempting ’n’ flashiest orgy?Tempting ’n’ faithless orgy.Self-pitying tenth orgasm.

Hot self-pity G-string. Amen!Finest G-string, empty halo.The nails of empty G-string.Fat, slimy pestering thong.

The self-pity G-string moan.Finest porn gets almighty.

If mighty angel tests porn . . .Porn feigns stately might.Gnarliest of empty nights.

Yes, each line is a perfect anagram of“Flying Spaghetti Monster.” But I wasa bit troubled by the obsession with G-strings. Perhaps they are a metaphor forpseudoscientific delusion that binds andentraps . . . like an empty G-string? Andis porn a derisive metaphor for pseudo-scientific delusion? I’ll leave such deeperinterpretations to Pasta farian scholars. Iwish to say no more about the PassionQuatrains.

Incidentally, the Pastafarian Qua -trains even contain a study guide:

Fragment this tiny gospel.Trash tiny f igment “gospel.”Spot thrifty gems in Angel,Itsy gem of plain strength.On fighting messy prattle:Test gingerly, if phantoms.Parse intently, f ight smog.Forget anything misspelt.2

The Pastafarian EpicAfter having prepared us extensively,the Quatrains return to the epic story.We meet our hero, the Pig. The Pig hasbeen a literary figure of archetypal sig-nificance, ranging from the whimsical

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Porky Pig and Miss Piggy to the tragicWilbur of Charlotte’s Web and theequally tragic Three Little Pigs. Thenthere is skeptical scholars’ soaring andmythic Pigasus ( James Randi’s PigasusAwards). Remember Pigasus. He is theKey to the Quatrains.

Pig is first tormented by, and thenconfronts, the tempting cheap (“toy”)claims of pseudoscience:

Fine Piggy halts torments!Halts f irey, tempting song.

Pig snarls, “The f igment toy!”“I’m tipsy of Angel Strength!”

Our Pig fable has an astonishingdeeper message. It is my scholarly opin-ion that our hero Pig is the classic iconof paranormal discourse, Pigasus, andthat Pigasus is indeed a partner andfriend of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.This is its stirring “thrifty (parsimo-nious) gem song.” Consider the star-tling final quatrains.

Amen! Thrifty Piglet’s song!Plainest thrifty gem song.A poem fights stringently.

Spin to Angel ’s thrifty gem!:“Am hot, sternest Flying Pig!”

“Hot, tense, smart Flying Pig!”“Flying Pigs threaten Most!”

“Flying Pigs!—The Neat Storm!”Song f ights prettily. Amen!The Flying Pig’s smart note.

Flying Pig met Honest Star . . .Flying Spaghetti Monster!

Flying Pig’s Anthem . . . or test?It is remarkable that among all of

the world’s faux deities, only the FSMand Pigasus are linked.3 But are thePastafarian Quatrains an anthem cele-brating the victory of truth over delu-sion, or has the struggle just begun?

The Deeper Message of the FlyingSpaghetti MonsterIt is beyond dispute that the Pasta farianQuatrains are words that come directlyfrom the deity, uncontaminated byhuman hands and fingers. I have offeredthem as a profound source of meaningthat surely rivals any holy book. How ever,critical thinkers may protest. First, mostpeople probably would not guess thenumber of legal anagrams FlyingSpaghetti Monster yields—3,200,000.We all underestimate probabilities andthe likelihood of coincidence. With anenormous pool of anagrams, the Law of

Very Large Num bers—augmented byconfirmation bias—suggests that one canreadily select a few dozen that appear totell whatever story we may desire or ex-pect. Selective perception makes theprocess almost automatic as we noticesupportive details. Through patternicitywe see ghosts in shadows, the man in theMoon, and even messages in batches ofanagrams.

The Pastafarian Quatrains are anob ject lesson in faulty thinking. In deed,in honor of His Holiness, Bobby Hen-derson’s Flying Spaghetti Mon ster, wemight label such attempts at pseudosci-entific analysis as “noodly thinking” orperhaps just “intellectual spaghetti.”However justified skepticism may be, Istill believe the FSM and His Pastafar-ian Quatrains are truly an unparalleledspiritual achievement. The FSM meritselevation to the pantheon of faux para-normal entities, which includes Rus-sell’s Teapot, the Invisible Pink Uni-corn, the Great Pumpkin, the monsterunder the bed, and the Ceiling Cat. Notes

1. If you think this is not a serious essay orthat I am just being silly, note these ominousspaghettigrams:

Penalty of tight grimness.Needing nice comicalness

2.Good advice, given that the Quatrains tendto ignore the niceties of grammar. (Note thattranslators of ancient texts, such as Egyptian hi-eroglyphs or the Dead Sea Scrolls, have facedsimilar problems.)

3. The FSM is gay-affirming. Indeed, it is di-vinely written that the Flying Spaghetti Mon steris Fine, slim, top, gay strength.

ReferencesCurl, M. 1996. The Anagram Dictionary. London:

Robert Hale and Company.Henderson, B. 2006. The Gospel of the Flying

Spaghetti Monster. New York: Villard.Michaelson, O.V. 1998. Words at Play: Quips,

Quirks, and Oddities. New York: Sterling.Smith, J.C. 2006. God Speaks! The Flying Spaghetti

Monster in His Own Words. Lulu.com/stress.———. 2008. God Speaks: The Pastafarian Quat-

rains. Lulu.com/stress.———. 2010. Pseudoscience and Extraordinary

Claims of the Paranormal: A Critical Thinker’sToolkit. New York: Wiley-Blackwell.

Tunstall-Pedoe, W. 1997. Anagram Genius(www.anagramgenius.com).

Through patternicitywe see ghosts in

shadows, the manin the Moon, andeven messages

in batches of anagrams.

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