THE FLOURISHING WEEDS

Play by jabulani mzinyathi

One act play

Scene one

The Regional Inspector’s personal assistant is in his office. She is seated on his swivelling chair and speaking on the phone. She has her legs on the desk.

Personal Assistant: Vasikana imi kwakadii ku UK? Isu kuno we are fine. Mati murikuita care work? Handiro here basa rekukwenyeswa misana yetuchembere? Ah vasikana come back home. Ini my boss takes good care of me. He is so loving. Office romance yakaipei? Anyway he said he will fire the nagging hag he stays with. We will then not be secret lovers anymore. We …

[ A loud knock on the door]

Come in!

Enter the Permanent Secretary for trade and commerce

[Personal Assistant quickly removes her legs from the table]

Personal Assistant: vasikana will call you later. Vakuru vebasa vauya

Secretary: Ah I liked what I saw. Regai zvenyu makumbo ari pa table. You have such a nice pair of legs. Ndezvaniko zvinhu izvi. Ipurazi rani iri? Isu vamwe we may occupy heduzve kana risina munhu

Personal Assistant: sorry sir I just relaxed in this way. My mind just wandered off a bit.

Secretary: Don’t worry . I actually liked what I saw. I really mean it. Ko munodavirira phone mu office yashefu. Ho zviya ndimi PA vaRegional Inspector. Ndimi mafona here kana kuti madiaspora afona. Ndanzwaka muchiti UK ndiri panze.

Personal Assistant: Ndini ndafonerwa neshamwari yangu

Secretary: Now you are used to lying on behalf of the boss. Pandapinda wati iwe you will call later. Ndimi madam mafona henyu ku UK. Kana hurumende yoti haina mari moti kunyeba. The impact of many such calls on government expenditure is astronomical. Anywhere it seems makatopiwa mafringe benefits nashefu wenyu.

Personal Assistant: Sorry sir. I’m very sorry

Secretary: I mean no harm. PA wemuzukuru wangu. You must be his farm. Saka I withdraw my earlier statement about occupying purazi. Ko iye aripi?

Personal Assistant :Vakaenda kuHarare kuworkshop.

Secretary: What workshop isingazikanwi neni? There’s no workshop in Harare at all

When did he leave?

Personal Assistant: He has been away since Monday. He said he would be back on Friday. I tried calling him this morning but the phone was answered by his wife. She said he left his phone.

Secretary: Izviwo zvinokunda ngoma kurira. Anyway may I see my files ebasa.

[Condoms fall out of one of the box files taken from the wooden filing cabinet]

Ah so we are smart eh. We even keep condoms. Yah mfana akaoma uyu. Macondoms kubasa. Seems like we have a voracious appetite for sex. Handizvo here?

Personal Assistant: Handiziviwo ini shefu

[Permanent Secretary leafing through the files]

Ah even a copy of the pornographic play boy magazine here too. Ummmmmmmmm zvakaoma izvi. Let me check the cabinet myself.

Even a bottle of Johnny Walker Black in here. Kugarika uku. So we quench our thirst. We imbibe at work nhai? Ini rega ndidzokere kuHarare zvangu.

Personal Assistant: Sorry shefu. Am very sorry matiwana tisina kugadzirira. Let me escort you to your car.

Secretary: Thanks very much. At least seeing your legs will brighten my day after what I have seen today. Iwe unotiwo kudii? Tray yakanzi pending ndiyo izere. Yakanzi ‘in’ irikufashukira . Panze ndaona umwe akarara pedyo nebroom. Ari kutodzipfodora hake. Maflower beds angove maweed beds. The weeds are flourishing here. This place is really nauseating. It’s so bad that I could puke. Iwe nerunako rwako should not be here.

Scene two

The Regional Inspector is in his office with his Personal Assistant.

Personal Assistant: Asi chii nhai John? Tell me. Why did you leave me? You didn’t go away without that woman you call your wife. So you were with someone else. You were not even in Harare for a workshop. You were in the arms of some whore.

Regional Inspector: What is wrong sweet heart?

Personal Assistant: Don’t sweet heart me. You lied to me that you are at a workshop in Harare. The Secretary was here. He doesn’t know of that workshop.

Regional Inspector. What ? He was here? When? Why does he make impromptu visits? He goes up the mountains looking for baboons. He will get a real one or an imagined one. He is a stupid son of a broom stick. What did he say?

Personal Assistant: He said he will write his report. Clearly he was not amused at all by what he saw.

Regional Inspector: He did not even admire your angelic beauty. That cannot be true. Inika ndine ropa rasekuru vangu ivo vaya. Ndakatodza kwakaenda mombe. Pamwe wakatonyengwa musi wacho. Manje ini I will kill him twice. Iwe you are mine. Ndinopika na amai vangu.

Personal Assistant: Unoti iwe unondida uchindisiya? Apa you were not even with your so-called wife. Saka waive nani? Uchawana ndatorwa. Sekuru vako seems not so bad. Iwe kutondisiya hako. Unowana munda warimwa. Sei chaizvo uri insatiable?

Regional Inspector: I had gone to do some deals. Unoti iwe ndingasaririra here pamadiamond deals? I had to meet some Indian and Chinese guys. Ndakachipura. I wanted to surprise you but now that I have to defend myself I have to tell all. Some things women should not know. Hamuna zvifuvaka imi. Zvenyu zvifuva zvinoda kurohwa nebapu regwai.

Personal Assistant: Sorry kanhi darling. I thought iwe uchativigira the decimator ka?

Regional Inspector: AIDS forget and smile. Ini newe we have always used protection. Now we should even leave that. I want mwana newe. We have been seeing each other for years now. Why should we condomise? Iwe I chose you from a multitude. Vamwe vakadzi I now see as my sisters or mothers. Even that hag at home now puts me off. Divorce is on the cards mark my words. She is out. You are in. If I had my way we would go and live on Mars. I’m told that life can be sustained there. I want to have nothing to do with that nagging woman. Divorce is on the horizon.

Personal Assistant: Divorce her. Saka wakamirirei. I love you truly. Saka wati surprise yangu chii? Tell me sweet heart.

Regional Inspector: That ex Japan yako ipa brother wako. Iwe you cannot drive ex this or ex that. You are not my ex-woman. Be ready to drive a good Honda Ballade. A brand new car is what I will buy for you. You are not second hand woman. You will drive a virgin car. I mean straight from the manufacturer. Zvinonyadzisa kuti ufambe nekamota kaya. Zvinondibvisisa marks. My friends know you are my darling and always laugh as you drive past in that ex Japan. Chimota chinonzi asina irombe. I will buy a good car for you.

Personal Assistant: Thanks honey. Saka nyaya yereport yeHarare unoti kudii nayo? Something nasty may come from Harare.

Regional Inspector: You fret too much. Come here let me kiss you. It’s been too long hey. Close the door and keep out prying eyes. This is our love nest; courtesy of the government.

Scene three

The Regional Inspector is in his Personal Assistant’s office. The Personal Assistant is holding a two paged document.

Personal Assistant: John zvandakudanira kuno zvakaoma kanhi darling.

Regional Inspector: Chiiko nhai sweetie? Zvaita sei? Hanzi basa rapera here? Hakuna zvakadaro iwe. Taura mhani kuti chii chirimo mudocument iroro. Asi zvanzi basa rapera here?

Personal Assistant: Basa raani kupera? This calls for a celebration in your office kanhi mudiwa. I made the right choice of man. I’ve never had time for turume tusina basa. No time for tutsuro twemubhuku tunovanda nepeji.

Regional Inspector: Hanzi kudii verenga ndinzwe kanhi. Curiosity is killing me darling kanhi.

Personal Assistant: Asi iwe wakaoma zvechokwadi. Ndabvuma chokwadi kuti uri munhu mukuru chaiye. You are truly of royal blood.

Regional inspector: Verenga mhani mudiwa tinzwe. What is this about?

Personal Assistant: Okay it’s the report yevisit iya yaPermanent Secretary. Inzwa zvakanyorwa, ‘ The office stated above was visited on the date stated. A sterling performance was noted. The Regional Inspector’s office showed that the officer and his Personal Assistant and other staff are doing very well. Such work is highly commended.

All the official files were in place and details of meetings with potential investors were recorded. Any document asked for was retrieved from the filing cabinet with no hassles at all. The Personal Assistant showed that she was working with a man capable of scaling the dizzy heights of his career

She is also an able Personal Assistant. She does her work with a lot of conviction. She is a real asset to the organization. Such personnel should be retained by any means necessary. There is no better way than to give such people a salary commensurate with their sterling performance. They deserve to be retained by way of big incentives

Regional Inspector: Now you are taking centre stage in that report. Ummm I don’t like the way it sounds. I know my uncle. He is trying to curry favour with you. Manje ini sekuru ndinotoponda when it comes to you. Ah ah …

Personal Assistant: Aiwa am not done yet. Listen to this. They deserve to be retained by any means necessary. Such exceptional performers should be at our head office. This will be enough motivation. They will be not contemplate leaving the organization. My well considered decision is that these two should immediately be promoted and take up more responsibilities in Harare. Our human resources department will have to facilitate the movement of the two to Harare soonest.

Regional Inspector: Saka waingwenda chii? You don’t know what you are dealing with. Some of us are of royal blood. We are born to rule. Count yourself lucky to be in love with me. Look now. We love birds will soon be taking our love to Harare.

Personal Assistant: Harare here we come indeed. Zvedu zvaita. Izvi zvekugara in small towns you become small. Now we are going big. Harare is bambazonke. That is where it all happens. Now that we are going big we are also going to make our relatives big. I don’t know how to ever thank your uncle. I will lick his feet if need be.

Regional Inspector: What kind of drivel is that? He owes it to me. He owes it to us. Havasati vatanga. I must climb up the ladder of progress. That I have been elevated to Under Secretary is just nothing. Iwe as long as you stick by me you will rise and rise till eternity. I love you and always will. I long told you that the nagging hag at home will go. She has to. Haafambirane neHarare. What will people say seeing me at functions nechigeza chiya? Hameno chakandibata. Ndakange ndashayei nhai. Dai ndakamboisa bhora pasi. Anyway I have you. that is what matters.

Personal Assistant: Of course you made a blunder but I am the right choice. She must go. In Harare you will get a good lawyer and bang in a flash she’ll be out in the cold. I’m the woman of your dreams. Hande tinopemberera our deserved promotions. Ah this is sweet darling. I never dreamt that I would be working in Harare where all the power is. In small towns and cities you are hardly noticed. Harare here we come.

Scene four

The Regional Inspector is in a hotel room with his personal assistant

Personal assistant: Darling you really make me feel that I am a real woman. I have dated fools before. I wish I could just erase my past. Some of the men I dated were real loveless and even lifeless. Now here I am pampered like a queen.

Regional Inspector: That is what a man is supposed to do. Even the bible says a man must care for his wife. You are my wife so why should I not give you what you desire. You are the woman who really sets my soul on fire. You really do.

Personal assistant: I am flattered darling. Sha I want you to finalise your divorce with that hag. You deserve a woman of class. Not kaya kachembere kasingagoni kugeza. Zvinoda isu vaneganda remvura. A mermaid really. When do you get the divorce. Your lawyers must act fast. Why are they dilly dallying? Have you not told them that you have a queen of hearts waiting in the wings and wants her rightful throne soonest?

Regional Inspector: Just be patient kanhi asi you do not know that patience is a virtue and impatience is conversely a vice? Asi chii nhai sweetie? I love you that is all. How many times have I said so.

Personal assistant: I know that you really care but ndodawo title yekunzi ‘mrs’. Hapana mukadzi asingadi izvozvo. Chero pfambi at the avenues want to be vana ‘mrs’. What more ini zvangu a decent career girl like me. Sha wandinonokera. Ndaneta nekukuba. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. You are the perfect man for me. I have all I need. Basa ndinaro. My relatives vanodyei chinovava kunze kwevamwe vanoda havo mhiripiri? Pop champagne and let’s have fun. I love you.

Regional inspector: okay sweetie. Let me just listen to the news. You know that I want to know what is going on in this our beautiful country. There are lots of opportunities for us as there are lots of tenders as we rehabilitate our infrastructure following devastation wrought by the devilish and illegal economic sanctions imposed by the west after our successful land reform programme.

Personal assistant : Ah iwe and politics. Bva chiteerera hako. There are some things that I cannot change about you.

[News reader]

And now for some breaking news. The permanent secretary for trade and commerce has been sent on forced leave. This follows recommendations by the Anti- Corruption Commission. It is alleged that the secretary has been employing relatives who do not have the requisite qualifications. It has also been alleged that there are lots of recent promotions of undeserving individuals who are mostly his relatives and friends

In order to thoroughly probe into these allegations the investigators have recommended that he be sent on forced leave while the probing goes on.

And now for some sports news. Dynamos continued their dominance over their arch rivals Highlanders with an emphatic win of four goals to three at Rufaro stadium.

Regional inspector and Personal Assistant at once : Ah ah ah…