The Five Stages of Grief - Rebuilding After A Relationship Break Up

The Five Stages of Grief

Rebuilding After a Relationship Break Up

Brought to you by: www.wantmyexbacknow.info

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Contents

Introduction

3

The Five Stages of Grief

4

Denial

6

Anger

7

Self Help Methods for Dealing With Anger

8

Bargaining

11

Depression

12

7 Tips for Reversing Break up Depression

13

Self Help Methods for Dealing with Depression

14

Acceptance

16

Moving On 17 Other Resources

17

Disclaimer

18

Rights

18



Introduction I guess I better write something about me and why I am writing this report. I am not an “expert”, it is best to make that clear at the beginning. I have no formal qualifications in counselling, coaching or psychology, hence the disclaimer at the end of the report. I was married for 16 years; it was never a blissful marriage. My ex suffered from depression, abused alcohol and drugs to deal with his emotions. I thought I could fix him and spent a lot of time, effort and emotions to that cause because I loved him. When that failed we settled into living different lives in the same house with very little emotional contact, treading on eggshells trying not to create more arguments. After he left I was hurt, angry, bewildered and a whole host of other feelings from rage and wanting to kill him to total despair. I gave up my job, had to give up my lifestyle and things I enjoyed and spent 2 years pushing away help and living in depression. I could not see a way out. I had lost my confidence and self esteem, lost my passion for life. I stopped caring for myself and others, I was numb to everything. One day I snapped and decided to try and understand why I was beating myself up so much and not living any more. In fact I was barely surviving. The goal to understand my emotions and learning to deal with them was what pulled me back from the brink. I think I am an extreme case when it comes to emotions and grief. I hope my experience and what I finally learned will help you cope with the emotions surrounding the break up of your relationship a lot more quickly than I did. One thing I hope you take with you when you finish reading this report is that we are all different; we are all individuals and have something to offer the world. Once you accept this and reach inner peace with yourself so many doors open to opportunities. You may decide to move on from the relationship totally or even get back with your ex and make a fresh start. Life is what you make it, your meaning and worth in life is not bound to one individual. I wish you success in the path you choose to take. Jan xx



The Five Stages of Grief When you break up with someone you love you can experience a lot of painful emotions. You are in fact grieving for what you have lost and understanding the five stages of grief can help you cope better and recover more quickly from the relationship break up. It is natural to feel a sense of loss for what has been and what may have been. Sometimes we feel like we are on a roller-coaster ride of very powerful emotions and we struggle to get off! The Five Stages of Grief are often used to put an outline and definition to this roller-coaster type process and help us to understand our emotions and that it is natural to feel what we are feeling. Not everyone follows the 5 stages of grief in order, sometimes stages are missed all together. Sometimes you may move backwards and forwards through the stages in a roller coaster of emotions. Everyone is different. By understanding the grieving process you will recognise what is happening and this empowers you to take control. The five stages are outlined on the chart in fig. 1 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance

The aim is to get to the acceptance stage so we can rationally get on with our lives. Getting there however, can be a long process for some, it is important not to shun those who are willing to emotionally support you to get to that stage.



Fig. 1 The Five Stages of Grief



1. Denial When you have broken up you may initially feel numb. You know the relationship has ended but can not take it in emotionally that you have actually broken up. You hope that things will be “OK” later in the day or that things will be back to normal in the morning. The denial stage rarely lasts long as your ex does not come back home or return calls etc. Sometimes the denial stage lasts longer than a day or so. You may even carry on with plans for the relationship. Maybe you were to go on holiday together and you continue organising the trip, or perhaps you were buying a home and continue with plans for decorating and furnishing. You carry on with life as if nothing has happened. Outsiders see this as “burying your head in the sand”, but what is happening is your head knows you have broken up but emotionally you refuse to accept it. Often this is because there was no definite end to the relationship. Perhaps you were not expecting your relationship to finish or didn’t see the warning signs that the relationship was on the point of breaking up. If you find yourself denying the relationship has come to an end and trying to carry on as normal, it may be useful to stage an ending so that you can emotionally accept things are over. This could be something as simple as packing up your ex’s belongings ready for collection or going out for a night on the town with friends to celebrate being single again.



2. Anger The anger stage can terrify many, lots of people are scared of anger both their own and others. However, you do need to acknowledge that anger to enable you to move on. This is the stage you look for someone to blame, anyone will do it seems as long as we avoid blaming ourselves. Rational thought goes out of the window and every situation becomes black and white, right or wrong, your side or your ex’s side. The burning self-righteousness is what seems to keep you going and this is when things can become dangerous, to you and others around you. The anger stage is when you can make decisions that, at the time, seem rational enough but really aren’t. This is the stage when you contemplate hurting your ex and others who you are angry at, either physically or emotionally. Ask yourself – who are you angry with? I can almost guarantee the list will be huge! You will be with your ex for not doing whatever it was you wanted him/her to do, angry at yourself for not making the relationship work or mistakes you made, angry at your friends for not telling you when they started to see cracks in the relationship, angry at the friends who did tell you there were problems, angry at your parents for not equipping you with the mental tools to deal with the break up, angry at the couples walking down the street hand in hand for showing they are together, angry at the universe for just being! While you need to acknowledge your anger, you also need to keep it under control and deal with it in a sane way. You may find that counselling or anger management helps you. It is not weak to seek out and ask for help.



Self Help Methods for Dealing with Anger When you are dealing with anger, you are reacting on a really primal emotional level. By slowing your responses down and THINKING before you react you can then get a hold on the situation, increase your self awareness and act rather than react. One method I found useful was asking myself, “what and why”. You can do this in your head; I preferred to write it down as the extra time it took was a useful break.

! Ask yourself WHAT has got you angry. Be as specific as possible. ! Ask WHY you are angry, again be specific ! Write down possible solutions to the problem and consider the consequences of any actions you may take.

You don’t have to write novels or aim for a literature prize, just get your feelings out so you can see them or visualise them in your mind. An example may be: What – finding out that my ex was going out 3 or 4 times per week socially Why – we are in debt and he is spending on items that were not needed. Rather than helping pay off debts, he is out enjoying himself. Possible actions

! Kill or seriously hurt my ex (I had the ultimate murder planned many times until I found he had cancelled the life insurance too!). The consequences of getting caught would be imprisonment, a criminal record and unable to be about to raise my children.

! Destroy or damage any possessions still in the house of “his”. The consequences less severe, but the items could then not be sold on to help pay off debts run up (although I did trash quite a lot of his stuff at the beginning)

! Write to the credit companies where the debts were from to let them know he was no longer living at the address and pass on bills solely in his name to his family to give to him (this bit had the advantage that his mother would nag him to death).

By the time that was written down the red rage of anger had eased enough to think rationally and not do anything stupid! There are not many words there, but when you are angry it takes a lot of effort and more time to write out. You do have to force yourself to think past the immediate reaction (killing him) stage. I never did get around to murdering my ex and while I joke about it now, killing him off for insurance was a serious thought at the time.



There are a few other things you can try as you feel the anger inside start to build up again. Deep Breathing This works best if you practice it and do breathing exercises regularly. It is basically a stress control technique that you can then fall back on to regain self control when you feel angry. There are lots of methods and techniques you can look up on the internet. Personally I like to keep things simple – the 5 minute chill out Close your eyes and take in a few slow deep breaths: • Breathe in deeply through your nose to the count of 5 • Hold the breath for the count of 5 • Breathe out through your mouth to the count of 5 • Hold for the count of 2 • Repeat Don't gasp for air but allow your breaths to gently and slowly come in and go out. After the first 2 or 3 cycles when you are comfortable with your measured breathing focus on the air you are inhaling and exhaling. • As you breathe in, imagine that the air is clean, cool and bright and is going in through your nose, penetrating all parts of your body, and cleaning out any tension in your muscles or stresses in your mind. Visualise the air as it is inhaled, a white light or white mist (choose something that works for you), inhaled through your nose and filling your lungs. • As you breathe out, imagine the tensions from the body and red anger being literally breathed out of your mouth. Visualise your anger, as red clouds or lines (again something that works for you) being expelled from your body and disappearing into the distance. As your red clouds float away, imagine your muscles becoming more relaxed after having breathed out all that rage. Exercise Psychologists tell us that exercise is a good way to improve our mood and decrease any negative feelings. Go for a brisk walk or run, work out, play a sport you like. Personally I prefer to put on some music REALLY LOUD and dance! Music is known to affect our moods too so obviously avoid anything that makes your blood boil. And yes I dance at home, you don’t have to go out clubbing, just get that body moving!



Writing Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help improve how you feel. When you feel the anger building up, spit it out on paper. It doesn’t matter if you keep your writing or throw it away; just getting how you feel out in the open is the important bit. You can write anything, keep a journal, write lyrics or poetry. If you are artistic then draw pictures of how you feel instead. These are methods that helped me cope with my anger in a constructive manner, they are not intended to replace any professional advice you may have received. Remember it is not weak to ask for help. If you are struggling to keep control of your anger, please seek professional help.



3. Bargaining The Five Stages of Grief were originally identified by psychiatrist Elizabeth Kűbler-Ross who studied how people react to catastrophic events. Her focus was on people with terminal illnesses, although her framework later became adapted to coping with any major change in life. In the original Kűbler-Ross framework, bargaining was with God or a higher being, i.e. if I pray more and lead a pure life I may survive this. When a relationship breaks down you may find yourself bargaining with a deity of your choice, but more likely it will be trying to make deals or compromises with your ex. This is the stage where you consider if an open relationship may work, or if a long distance relationship is possible. You will offer deals such as giving up certain friendships in return for a renewed relationship with your ex. Basically if you do a, b and c to be a better partner then your relationship does not have to end. You are trying to buy back your ex with compromises. While this may seem ok in the short term, the underlying issues why the relationship broke up in the first place are rarely addressed so a renewed relationship rarely lasts. You may get lucky, sometimes you can find a constructive way to reach an agreement with your partner that you both find acceptable and possible to live with. Most of the time though, bargaining is a process we go through as we learn to cope with the fact that our relationship has ended.



4. Depression When the anger about the relationship break up is over, you can often feel depressed. Everything feels hopeless; you have no energy, feel paralysed and don’t know what to do next. This is when you realise fully that the relationship has ended and you will feel there is nothing you can do that will have a positive outcome. You feel that you will never be happy again and that we will never meet another person who makes us feel as good as your ex did. Now is the time to take particular care of yourself. Surround yourself with supportive positive friends who love us for who you are. Rest well and sleep, eat healthily and exercise. Keep doing the things you enjoy and interest you even though it’s likely the last thing you want to do. Depression is a difficult stage as often you feel that you do not have the energy to make changes to come out of it. Sometimes even just thinking about the things you should do is exhausting! Recognising the depression stage of grief is important and taking small steps and setting goals to come out the other end helps. Start small, stay focussed and build up slowly. There is a point when feeling depressed (an emotion) moves on to being depressed (a state of being – an illness). Clinical depression is way outside the scope of this report. If you find that feeling depressed is dragging on for weeks, even months or are thinking of harming yourself, please seek professional help.



7 Tips for Reversing Relationship Break Up Depression: 1. Accept the break up. If you are still chasing your ex and asking why the relationship ended or even pleading to get back together with your ex, then stop. Acceptance is the first step to giving yourself space to move forward and coping with the break up. Simply agreeing with the relationship break up is a positive move. 2. Look after yourself. Make the effort to look your best and well groomed. It is easy to stop caring and think “what is the point?” Especially on days you do not want to get out of bed and face the world, put that effort in. If you look good you will feel good about yourself and it improves your confidence. 3. Go out. Socialize, network, and party! Do not stop living. Use this freedom to catch up with old friends and make new ones. Cutting yourself off from civilization results in feeling lonely and unwanted. Remember you are an individual, not just a half of a relationship partnership. 4. Learn something new. Use your extra time to improve your skills. Whether it is something you have always wanted to learn or brushing up on an old skill, new knowledge and learning improves your self worth. Look out for short courses that your local college or library may have, combine learning with meeting new people. 5. Smile Put on that happy face! A simple thing like smiling improves how you feel and how others feel about you. No one wants to be around a grumpy or depressed person for too long. 6. Don’t be hard on yourself. When you tell yourself you are wrong, worthless, no good etc on a regular basis, you end up believing it and it can lead to clinical depression. Like thinking positively, constant negative thinking programs your sub-conscience. You are what you believe! Replace those negative thoughts with positive ones. 7. Help someone else. Whether it is volunteering at the nearest animal shelter, or helping an elderly neighbor, do something for someone else. Helping others improves our own self-worth. The emotional rewards when we give our time unconditionally are worth the effort.



Self Help Methods for Dealing with Feeling Depressed When you feel depressed you put a negative spin on everything including how you see yourself. Quite frankly just “thinking positive” doesn’t cut it. Researchers at the University of Waterloo and the University of New Brunswick found that those with low self-esteem actually felt worse after repeating positive statements about themselves. I'm not a psychologist, I can only draw from my own experiences and what worked (or didn't) for me, and the initial "positive thinking" exercises not only failed but re-enforced feelings of inadequacy. Here are two methods I used to help me out of the depression stage. Make a Journal of Fail. Make a list of your mistakes, failures and negative thoughts. If you're doing it by hand, leave room for notes and comments later. This may take a while; I am sure like me you have lots of mistakes and negative thoughts from insignificant to huge whoppers! You might find it emotionally hard to acknowledge and admit your mistakes and thoughts, that’s part of the process. By writing everything down you are admitting responsibility and ownership and it can be hard and emotionally draining, be prepared to have a good cry! Now for the really challenging part, as if writing it all down isn't hard enough! The saying "every cloud has a silver lining" works well here, you are going to log in your Fail Journal the "silver linings" of your personal clouds. Next to each point you have made, write down what you have learned or gained from that mistake or failure, and write a positive for every negative thought. You may have realised it at the time, or only discovering the positives now that you sit down to think about it. Use the Fail Journal every time you start thinking negatively, log it. Come back to it later if you have too to fill in the positive side, but make sure you do complete it – those negatives need banishing. By writing everything down you are replacing negatives with proven positive balanced thoughts, they aren’t just mindless mantras but are personal to you.



Quick Fix Toolbox Setting goals to get through and achieve each day helps overcome those depressed feelings. Knowing you have achieved your goals is a great feeling. Remember though, when you are feeling depressed even the simplest of tasks can be challenging and hard to motivate yourself to do, so start small and work up. So set goals that are achievable and some that you know you will enjoy. Here are some ideas:

§ Watch a comedy show or movie § Take a long, hot bath § Walk the dog/play with a pet § Do something spontaneous § Write in your journal § Take care of a few small tasks – grocery shopping, cleaning, pay the bills etc

§ Go for coffee with an old friend § Treat yourself to a manicure § Do something thoughtful for someone else

Set yourself a few goals each day. It is best to do it the night before when you still are feeling good about achieving your goals for that day. Make at least one goal be something that needs doing, pay a bill etc and at least two “feel good” goals. Make sure you write your goals down to make them “real”. An example: Todays Goals Todays Goals Todays Goals Todays Goals –––– datedatedatedate

1.1.1.1. Go grocery shoppingGo grocery shoppingGo grocery shoppingGo grocery shopping 2.2.2.2. Do some home bakingDo some home bakingDo some home bakingDo some home baking and try out that new recipeand try out that new recipeand try out that new recipeand try out that new recipe 3.3.3.3. Take Take Take Take some cake to Mrs. Smith, I know she likes some cake to Mrs. Smith, I know she likes some cake to Mrs. Smith, I know she likes some cake to Mrs. Smith, I know she likes my home bakingmy home bakingmy home bakingmy home baking

These are methods that helped me deal with my depression, they are not intended to replace any professional advice you may have received.



5. Acceptance The final stage of grief is acceptance; you agree and accept that the relationship has ended. Now is the time to start making changes to move on in your life. You may have ridden the emotional roller coaster back and too through the other four stages several times, but you will come to a day when it ends and you are finally done with the grieving process. You will be able to think of your ex and meet them without being angry or sad. You may even become friends again. No longer will you be wishing things were different or beating yourself up about what happened or blaming others for what went wrong. This day WILL come and how you have dealt with the other four stages will help the acceptance day arrive more quickly. You’ve lived through the break up grief and grown as a person – Congratulations! Life gets better from here on in ☺



What Next? Well you’ve taken the first step by educating yourself about the emotions you are going through, I know that was a big step too, I’ve been there. Information is not enough though, you need to act on it for it to be useful! I can’t do that for you, neither can anyone else. The responsibility for acting is all yours. Scary thought isn’t it? Believe me, once you start acting you will feel the benefits, just take one day at a time, small steps, you will get back to the top. I wish you every success and happiness – remember YOU deserve it! Other Resources

www.wantmyexbacknow.info My new site with free articles and advice covering topics from rebuilding after a relationship break up to steps to win back your ex, and much more.

The Magic of Making Up T W Jacksons highly acclaimed step by step guide to getting back with your ex. Instant secure download. Let T ‘Dub’ take you by the hand and:

� -Get you in the right frame of mind. (panic mode won't work)

� -Assess where you are in the heart and mind of your ex. � -Based on where you are give you a step by step proven "love map" to get you where you want to go.

� -Teach you what you need to do to keep them once you are back together.

500 Lovemaking Tips and Secrets Oprahs’ “Love Expert” Michael Webb also known as “the worlds most romantic man” has compiled this great eBook. Instant secure download. If you think your lovemaking has become a bit 'ordinary' or you just want to make it even better than it already is, you need to go ahead and buy this book!

In the interests of openness, I am an affiliate for The Magic of Making Up and 500 Lovemaking Tips and Secrets. Your support is appreciated.

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Disclaimer While reasonable attempts have been made to ensure the accuracy of the information provided in this publication, the author does not assume any responsibility for errors, omissions or contrary interpretation of this information and any damages or costs incurred by that. This book is not intended for use as a source of personal, legal, business, or financial advice. The author does not assume any responsibility or liability whatsoever for what you choose to do with this information. Use your own judgment. In practical advice books, like anything else in life, there are no guarantees of results achieved. Readers are cautioned to rely on their own judgment about their individual circumstances to act accordingly. Use this information at your own risk. Master Resell Rights You have Master Resale Rights to this report. You may sell it and keep all of the profits, or give it away as a gift or promotional offer, on the simple condition that you do NOT modify the content in any way. This report is copyright 2009/2010 by J Kearney. All rights reserved. The author is granting resale rights as stated herein, but the material remains the intellectual property of the author. You have the following rights to this report: [Yes] May sell at your own price [Yes] May be sold on auction sites [Yes] May be added to free or paid membership sites [Yes] May be added to bundles of products [Yes] May give away for free [Yes] May give/sell Master Resale Rights to others [No] May change the content by editing, addition or subtraction [No] May claim copyright or sell Private Label Rights


The Five Stages of Grief - Rebuilding After A Relationship Break Up

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