The Conflict Paradox

The Conflict Paradox

By Ram Srinivasan

Agile Coach and Trainer

© Ram Srinivasanhttp://ramvasan.com

Who Am I?

• Agile Coach focusing on Enterprise and Leadership Coaching

• Professional Coach – Organizational and Relationship Systems Coaching

• My Interests – System Thinking, Complex Adaptive Systems, Change Management, Gamification, Conflict Management, Neuroscience Based Coaching

• CertificationsPMP, CSM, CSPO, PMI-ACP, CSP, PSM-I, PSPO-I, SAFeProgram Consultant, Innovation Games® Qualified Instructor and facilitator, Level-1 Gamification Designer


About This Session


How Do You Think About Conflict?

Think about a recent conflict that you experienced

What are some of the words that come to your mind? Share it with others, and as a group, write them down.


How Do You Think About Conflict?

Think about a recent conflict that you experienced

What are some of the words that come to your mind? Share it with others, and as a group, write them down.

As a group, classify them as either negative or positive words.

Count the number of positive and negative words


What Is A Conflict?


- Becoming a Conflict Competent Leader by Craig Runde and Tim Flanagan

“ Any situation in which interdependent people have apparentlyincompatible interests, goals, principles or feelings”

Types of Conflict

Task or Cognitive Conflict

• Focus primarily on ideas and problem solving, not people

• Emotional tone remain neutral or even positive

• Strengthens working relationships, increases creativity and productivity

• Described by positive words

Affective or Relationship Conflict

• Focuses on blaming or proving others wrong, not problem solving

• Heats up quickly, negative emotional tone

• Leads to productivity problems, stress, poor morale, bad decisions

• Described by negative words


Levels of Conflict

• Polarization (Level 5) – Characterized by severe negative emotions and behaviors with little or no hope for reconciliation

• Discord (Level 4) – Causes difficulties in the relationship of the people involved even when they are not dealing with the original conflict

• Disagreement(Level 3) – People see situation differently, regardless of how well they think they understand other’s position and interest, feel some discomfort

• Misunderstanding (Level 2) – What is understood by those involved are different

• Differences (Level 1) – people see situation differently, understand each other’s position well, feel little or no discomfort


The Conflict Process


Precipitating Event Or

Hot Button

Initiate Conflict(emotions triggered)

Constructive Behavior

Destructive Behavior

Task Focused Conflict• Focus on task and

problem solving• Positive emotions• Tension decreases• Group functioning

improves

Person - Focused Conflict• Focus on personalities• Negative emotions,

flight/fight/freeze response• Tension increases• Group functioning

decreases

Conflict De-escalates Conflict Escalates

The Retaliatory Cycle


Emotions arise not from thinking about the issue, but from a completely different process – one that emerges more quickly than rational thinking

- Beyond Revenge: The evolution of Forgiveness Instinct by Michael McCullough

Precipitating Event Or

Hot Button

Initiate Conflict(emotions triggered)

Destructive Behavior

Person - Focused Conflict• Focus on personalities• Negative emotions,

flight/fight/freeze response• Tension increases• Group functioning

decreases

Conflict Escalates

Cognitive Skills: Self-Awareness About Dealing With Conflict

• How you currently view conflict?

• What triggers you in the first place?

• How you feel when you are triggered?

• How you behave when you are triggered?

• Your biases and assumptions?


Exercise: What is Your Trigger?



1. Abrasive

Question Score

4

8

12

20

Total

2. Aloof

Question Score

2

6

14

18

Total

3. Self-Centered

Question Score

1

7

10

16

Total

4. Unappreciated

Question Score

5

11

15

19

Total

5. Untrustworthy

Question Score

3

9

13

17

Total

Exercise: What is Your Trigger?

Triggers - Group Discussion

• Why is this a hot-button for me? Why does this trigger me?

• The next time my hot-button is pushed, how do I want to feel? How do I want to respond?

• Why might be the other person be acting this way?

• In what alternate ways do I want the other person to act?


• Irritations and annoyances that provoke you into a conflict

• Once triggered, the person experiences negative emotions


Cognitive Skills: Self-Awareness About Triggers or Hot Buttons

The Origin of Emotions

• Auto-appraisers: Our brain continuously scans for threats and rewards automatically and rapidly

• Negative emotions are our “evolved” flight or fight response from our limbic system


Breaking the Retaliatory Cycle

Cool Down

Slow Down and Reflect

Engage Constructively


Cooling Your Hot Buttons

• What is it about these behaviors that makes you angry?

• What aspects of the other person’s behavior irritated you and why?


“ Once triggered, the chemical released by my brain surges through my body and I have a physiological experience. Within 90 seconds from the initial trigger, the chemical component of my anger has completely dissipated from my blood and my automatic response is over. If, however, I remain angry after those 90 seconds have passed, then it is because I have chosen to let that circuit continue to run.”

My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey by Jill Bolte Taylo

The key to cooling hot buttons is to look inside yourself

Cooling Down During Conflict

• Awareness about getting into a conflict

• Take Deep Breaths• Oxygen to your brain

• Body centering techniques

• Take a short break

• Mindfulness• Pay attention to your body sensations, listen to your triggers

• Look at your thoughts & feelings in a non-judgmental way

• Cognitive Reappraisal – examine facts to look for alternate non-threatening explanations



Reflecting Your Own Experience

• Your Thoughts• Data vs. Interpreting Data

• Our own biases and assumptions

• Reflect on your emotions• What kind of feelings?

• How are you experiencing it?

• Your Interests

Reflecting on Others’ Experience

• Others’ Thoughts• How will he/she be

thinking about it?

• Assumptions and biases

• Reflect on others’ emotions

• Empathy & mirror neurons

• Others’ Interest


Effect of Suppressing Negative Emotions

• Does not make the negative emotion go away and causes chronic stress

• Usually cannot suppress negative emotions, sometimes they are more aroused trying to do so

• Emotional leakage at unexpected times• Venting is not the answer

• Memory of the event gets impaired, as though focusing on something else

• Suppression takes lot of brain power, leaves fewer resources to pay attention to the moment

• Mirror Neurons - Other people experience the same emotions as you


Expressing Negative Emotions - Tips

• Identify and discloses feelings in a manner that describes the emotions, rather than overtly behaving emotionally

• “I feel frustrated because ….” instead of showing frustration at the other person

• Affect labeling or symbolic labeling or naming• Finding the right words to identify your emotional state

• Key is to use few words to describe it• Symbolic language, metaphors, similes, weather, news

paper headlines, a song/ movie title

• Uncomfortable to talk? Write it, then tear it off


Avoid Destructive Behavior, Embrace Constructive Behavior

Cool Down


Engage Constructively


Exercise: Group Behaviors Into One of These 4 Categories


Active Constructive

Active Destructive

Passive Constructive

Passive Destructive


AvoidingPerspective

Taking

Repaid Bids

Winning at all Costs

AdaptingYielding

Reaching Out

Demeaning others

Delay Response

Creating Solutions

Hiding Emotions

Reflective Thinking

Display Anger

Deep Listening

Retaliating

Self-Criticism

Expressing Emotions

Exercise: Group Behaviors Into One of These 4 Categories

Destructive vs. Constructive Behaviors During Conflict


Active Constructive

Perspective Taking

Creating Solutions

Expressing Emotions

Reaching Out

• Deep Listening• Perspective Taking• Creating Solutions• Expressing Emotions• Reaching Out

Active Constructive Active Destructive

• Winning at All Cost• Displaying Anger• Demeaning Others• Retaliating

Passive Constructive

• Reflective Thinking• Delay Responding• Adapting/Flexibility• Repair Bids

Passive Destructive

• Avoiding (includes “agreeing to disagree”)

• Yielding• Hiding Emotions• Self-Criticizing

Group Exercise

As a group, discuss different strategies that you can use at work to avoid destructive behaviors and to embrace constructive behaviors


Attitude

Trust

Safety

Behavioral Integration / Collaboration

Emotional Intelligence

Techniques for Staying on Track

Expressing Emotions

Prespective Taking

Listening for Understanding(Deep

Listening)

Reflective Thinking and

Delay Responding

Team Conflict Competencies


Right Climate

Constructive Communication

Getting on Track – Team Agreements1. Review Team’s Mission and

Context2. Discuss the Desired Climate3. Brainstorm Ideas for Creating the

Desired Climate4. Combine Similar Ideas5. Prioritize Ideas (5 to 10)6. “Behaviorize” Remaining Ideas7. Record and Distribute the

Resulting List for Review8. Review and Finalize Agreements9. Revisit Periodically


Staying on Track During Conflicts• Time-outs

• Reframing Questions• Clarify or understand what the team

member has said

• Should be genuine and non-threatening

• Intentional Intent• Describe the intent before making a

statement

• Example - “This may not come out right, but what I am trying to communicate is my curiosity about your idea…”

• Use a Neutral Facilitator• Internal or External Facilitator


After the Conflict

• Do not simply ignore or avoid

• Revisit Team Agreements periodically

• Feedback – clear and specific• Situation – The context in which the behavior or action

took place

• Behavior – What was said or done

• Impact – The perceived result the behavior had on the observer or others in the situation


Conflict in Virtual / Global Teams

• Diverse backgrounds, cultures, languages, beliefs, and practices complicate the nature of differences

• Electronic communication does not build trust and familiarity

• Lacks tone, body language, and facial expressions

• Time-zone differences lead to lag in communication which only exacerbate problems


Ideas for Virtual / Global Teams

• In-person face – to –face meetings build trust and familiarity. Intentionally build relationships

• Withhold making judgments, focus on gaining understanding

• Many cultures focus on relationships, then on tasks, (and vice versa) listen carefully for this distinction

• Be open to changing your personal paradigm, yours may be only one way

• Establish norms for addressing issues that may lead to cultural and background differences


Questions


What is your ONE take- away from this talk? Share it with your group


What did you like

about this session?

What can I do to

make it better?

Feedback

References


The Conflict Paradox

Business

Transcript of The Conflict Paradox