ArmchairFact Checking

BackseatJournalism

VOL. II, Issue III A FAÇADE OF INTEGRITY UKColonel.com

INSIDE THIS ISSUE:

SG Takes the Lead in Provost Search...............3Why do people insist on criticizing our Student Body President? Face it people: the election is over. The only thing Becky Ellingsworth is guilty of is caring about student too much.

We did it!........................4Guilty as charged. We did it. Do you think we’ve gone too far?

Vatican Launches New Reality TV Series............4Looking to straighten up after Brokeback Mountain? Well, maybe you shouldn’t have gone to see it with your hairdresser, Bruce. Honestly, what did you think was going to happen? Anyway, we’ve found a showthat will get you back on the straight train ... for good.

Also:The last hoo rah?...........2Idiot BOX.........................2The death of morals.......2Vietnam...still a minefield of smoking deals.........3UK Cure for Kentucky Uglies Fails...................3One man’s frustration....3NSA Eavesdropping Included Facebook Surveillance.................4American Family Association Boycotts Hip-Hop.........................4

PLUS: Patriot MatchingGame - Know Your

Presidents Edition! (p. 3)

Pat Robertson Claims God Smote Sago Miners

By Raabia WazirSenior Sympathy and Condolence Correspondent

PORTSMOUTH, Va - Speaking on his long-running television show “The 700 Club,” televangelist Pat Rob-ertson astonished viewers when he claimed that the Sago mine disas-ter was a divine expression of God’s wrath. Robertson was referring to the January 2, 2006, coalmine explosion in Tallmansville, W.Va., that resulted in the suffocation of twelve miners.

In his sweet, soft crooning voice, Robertson explained to his viewers, “God loves the weak, yes. He loves the merciful and humble and you can’t

get much more humble than people who go deep into the earth and dig up coal. But God also loves people who work hard. And those coal min-ers, even these scabs, just weren’t working hard enough.”

Robertson also cited reports that stated the explosion resulted from lightning igniting pools of methane gas in the mine shaft. He chuckled, “Our Lord sent lightning from the sky to say, ‘Hey, I’ve got all electricity I need. I’m God Almighty. But you got to work for

yours, work to Keep the Lights On, like they say. Keep on digging, keep on working. Know your place.’”

Some, however, claim it wasn’t the

miners’ fault. “Experts” say the acci-dent was a culmination of over 200 mining safety violations and inad-equate funding, leadership and stan-dards by the Mine Safety and Health Administration – many of which direct resulted from decisions and appoint-ments made by the Bush Administra-tion.

Robertson responded to such com-ments thoughtfully, “President Bush tried to help our Lord and Savior out, help the little guy stay focused on his job, be the bullhorn for the man up-stairs, but rules just kept getting in the way. But that couldn’t stop Him.” He paused. “Yes, indeed, God works in mysterious ways.”

The lone surviving miner, who Robertson described as, “a man of righteousness.”

By Michael EvansSenior Non-rape-based-sports-emergency Correspondent

LEXINGTON, Ky- In a rushed but expected move after the Alabama game, UK’s board of trustees ap-proved an emergency plan to return the Wildcats to the forefront of col-lege basketball.

“We felt it was time to step in and make a difference,” said board mem-ber Jeffrey Dembo, one of several who voted enthusiastically for the plan. “We’re all proud of this univer-sity and are committed to helping it achieve its goals.”

The board expressed great opti-mism about the top-20 plan, calling it “a light for the future.” President Todd is expected to make a state-ment next week outlining its particu-lars, but he has already revealed that the roadmap marks a groundbreak-ing alliance between athletics and academics at UK.

The plan comes after embarrass-ing losses to Alabama and perennial SEC power Vanderbilt. Despite an earlier string of victories, the season had started to grow bleak, prompting University officials to take action. On December 2, a loss to North Carolina at home booted the Cats out of the top 10 after a streak of 39 consecu-

tive weeks among the nation’s best, and only days later the Cats were kicked out of the top 25 for the first time since 2001 by Indiana.

Although UK racked up victories against the legendary trifecta of Iona, Ohio, and Central Florida and re-turned for a time to the AP’s top 20, critics are hailing the end of the Cats as we know them, calling the top-20 ranking “ephemeral.” Some have even suggested ousting celebrated coach Orlando “Tubby” Smith.

“Coach Smith is an embarrassment to this institution,” said Integrated Strategic Communication freshman Jim Roberts. “I just don’t think the man conducts himself in a manner

becoming of a top-20 university.” Others have expressed doubts that

the top-20 plan is even viable. “These days it’s so difficult for a university like UK to distinguish itself,” said ac-counting sophomore Mark Jamison, apparently ignoring UK’s seven na-tional titles. “I just don’t see a place in the top 20 for us, with all the great schools out there.” University officials dismiss such pessimism however and point to UK’s rich history and undying spirit as support for the plan.

Said Dembo in his closing remarks, “We owe this to past and future gen-erations of UK alumni, and damn it, we’re going to deliver.”

By Raabia WazirAn American Who Understands What You’re Going Through

SPOTTSVILLE, Ky - On December 15th, millions of Iraqis sported a purple-dyed finger after they voted to elect a new government under the constitution they approved in an Oc-tober referendum. From December 12 to 15th, thousands of freedom-loving Americans expressed solidar-ity with Iraqis by similarly dyeing their right index fingers with purple ink. The scheme was concocted by radio-host Bill Bennett of Morning in America and gained remarkable momentum in the following weeks. Members of Congress were asked to follow suit by Representatives Jim Marshall (D-GA), Duncan Hunter (R-CA) and Ike Skel-ton (D-MO) who led the distribution of ink pads to the House and Senate.

Not to be outdone, Americans who love freedom even more began to mu-tilate their limbs, torture family mem-bers, destroy precious antiques, and bomb local hospitals and schools in an attempt to express their more in-tense or “x-treme” solidarity with the Iraqi people.

“Hey, man,” says Josh Anderson, 33, of Cynthiana, “I want the Iraqis

to know I’m right there with them in that poll booth and on the street when that fighting breaks out and when their infrastructure is down the tubes. I’m right there with them.” An-derson has amputated his right arm below the shoulder and his left foot at the ankle. Both stumps have been dipped in purple ink.

Jenny Lambert, 28, is a magnetic-ribbon merchant in Morehead. During the course of her pregnancy, she has been intentionally neglecting her own health care and that of her unborn child. When asked to explain her be-havior, she tells reporters, “I just love democracy … so much!”

Unfortunately, such heroic and deeply moving acts are largely lost on the Iraqi public, who overwhelm-ingly voted to kick the American-in-stalled government out of Iraq in this election. When informed of the situation in America, Iraqi citizens respond much like Jamal Hassan. The 48-year-old farmer was reduced to tears. “I’ve always felt a presence here, through all the bloodshed and carnage. I used to think it was some divine being, an angel, watching me and my family. But to think, it might have been American Senator Bill Frist all along. Oh, Allah!”

Americans Express Solidarity with Iraqi People with Purple Fingers, Mutilated

Limbs

Trustees Approve Emergency Top 20 Basketball Plan

Has The Colonel fought its last battle with the PC Police, Gay Mafia and Salvation Army? The answer ... and why you should care: inside (p. 2).

Jason Richards

Page 2 THE COLONEL WINTER 2006

Celebrating one hundred and thirty-four years of independence

Dear Reader,

As you have by now doubtless heard, after one hundred and thirty-four years of protecting mainstream American values, The Colonel is most likely nearing its fateful end. But who’s going to cover the real news, you ask? Who’s going to hold our liberal politicians accountable? Here at The Colonel, we’ve been asking ourselves those same ques-tions. In 1996, while the networks remained silent, we alone told the world about the milestone trial of an endlessly fascinating man named O. J. “The Juice” Simpson. While the Times and Post filled the headlines

with “international news” and “do-mestic policy” stories, we dared to go to Boulder, Colorado to tell the world again, and again, and again, about the horrific murder of a country-bal-lad-singing nymphet named Jon-Benét Ramsey. And who can forget the day we first broke the news about President Bill Clinton’s four-way tryst with Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, and Slobodan Milosevic. In fact, our value to this country can be summed up in a question: what was the only news source that, from 1892 to 1894, dedicated two years of cover-age to President Grover Cleveland’s illegitimate son Oscar Folsom Cleve-land? Yes, The Colonel, of course.

Since 1871, The Colonel has led with honesty, relevance, and, most of all, professionalism. For news that mat-ters, the world has always looked to us. But now all of that is about to change. Unable to continue fighting the guerilla war waged against us by the liberal elite, The Colonel will soon be forced to surrender and spend several months in a torture-free lib-eral prison, where we will most likely have to undergo some kind of New Age, get-to-know-yourself-better reha-bilitation program. Yes after years of perpetually fighting lawsuits brought against us by Habitat for Humanity, suffering the slanders circulated by

PETA, and enduring Amnesty Interna-tional’s seemingly endless campaign of bullying, harassment and humili-ation, The Colonel has nearly had enough! Indeed, who would bear the whips and scorns of secular humanism, the socialist’s wrong, the pacifist’s con-tumely, the pangs of despised hippy love, the Flag Burning Amendment delay, the insolence of the Special Prosecutor’s office, and the spurns that patient merit of the un-Christian takes, when he himself might his qui-etus make with a bare bodkin? Certainly not us … at least not without YOUR support! That’s right, The Colonel needs yes-men like you

to join our rag-tag team of go-getters and brownnosers. No prior editing, publishing or writing experience? Uneducated? Illiterate? No credit? Bad credit? No problem. If you have an unsubstantiated opinion of how our government should be run, then we’ve got a place for you! Remember: only YOU can save us! Otherwise, it’s only a matter of time before liberal syndicates like the Sierra Club nail The Colonel to the cross. Don’t let our next issue be our last!

Fondly,Yuriy BronshteynColonel (soon to be ex-) Editor

The last hoo rah?

Publisher:Yuriy Bronshteyn

Print Editors:Yuriy BronshteynMaggie DolanRaabia Wazir

Web Editor:Andrew Bozio

Editorial Board:Alex BibbeyAndrew BozioYuriy BronshteynNathan DickersonMaggie DolanNikhil MirchandaniSoon-Yi PrevinJason RichardsEric RickertDaniel TurnerLee WaddleRaabia Wazir

Graphics Artist:Jason Richards

Contributors:John BalbachChuck ClenneySpencer ConcoHillary EasonMandy GatewoodJoseph GrabauShaun LaunganiFelicia LozanoAimee Lynne-HirschowitzRyan MartinRickey PackMichael PowellSilvia Timmerding

Published with support from the Center for American Prog-ress / Campus Progress (online at CampusProgress.org)

INFORMATION:The Colonel reserves the right to print, re-print, and modify in part or in whole all submissions without the permission of the author. For Letters to the Editor: ky.colonel@gmail.com.

DISCLAIMER:The Colonel is a satirical newspaper. It uses invented names in its stories except in cases where public figures and prominent University members are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The Colonel is in no way affiliated or endorsed by the University of Ken-tucky, the Kentucky Kernel, or Ken-tucky Fried Chicken.

The content of this paper is Copyright © 2005 by The Colonel and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the express written consent of the authors. All previously copyrighted creations in this publica-tion are copyrighted to the creators.

“To be, or not to be, that is the question:Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to sufferThe slings and arrows of outrageous fortuneOr to take arms against a sea of troubles,And by opposing end them.”

Dopeople

habituallyrefer to you as

“that jerk”?

Do newacquintances

quicklygrow weary

of your egocentrictheatrics?

Do yourememberthat timeyou were

suspendedfrom high school for earnestlytrying to

convince your health teacher that she in fact was “just a big

whore”?

You’ve come to the right place.

The Colonelis now looking

for a new Editor-in-Chief.

ky.colonel@gmail.com

Since I last said goodbye to my faith, suffering and heartache have been my only companions. Every morning as I awake and gaze at the sunrise, I see only a jet-black abyss. My existence is the endless repetition of a meaningless joke. Having re-

jected the divinity of my former Lord Jesus Christ, the ethics of right and w r o n g , black and white have dissolved into a sea of gray rel-

ativity. I know not who I am or what I do. For instance, since renouncing God, I have increasingly found myself overwhelmed by an animal urge to break into the workrooms of my col-leagues at night to steal their office supplies. Aside from respect for my peers as human beings, what would stop me in a world without Christ? Mi-nus the constant supervision of God tracking my thoughts and threatening

me with eternal damnation for impro-priety, I have taken to cheating on my wife with casual strangers, women, men, children, close relatives, small farm animals … and why not? Cer-tainly my inborn heterosexual orien-tation, my adult understanding that it is wrong to debauch a minor, my biological aversion to incest, and my complete lack of sexual interest in farm animals will not suffice to stop me – only God can! Yes, despite overwhelming sci-entific evidence that human beings evolved a capacity for and a procliv-ity toward sympathy and that, conse-quently, all people are born with an intuitive moral sense, I am unable to walk the virtuous path in life without Jesus’s guiding hand. My experience is nothing new among those who have purged Christ from their hearts. A few weeks ago, I overheard an atheist acquaintance of mine commenting: “I have of late...lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercises; and indeed it goes so heavily with my dis-position that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promon-tory, this most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o’erhanging

firmament, this majestical roof fret-ted with golden fire, why, it appears no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours.” Soon afterward, the man pro-ceeded to kill an elderly courtier, the courtier’s son, two of his own child-hood friends, and then his own uncle. Who among us has not heard this story repeated, ad nauseam? Who among us does not know dozens of seemingly “well-adjusted” atheists leading seemingly “successful” pro-fessional lives in medicine, law or academia who inevitably end up wag-ing a killing spree against people who did not share their atheist beliefs? Who among us has not heard of the seemingly daily reports of yet another atheist killing his pawnbroker Aliona Ivanovna and her sister Lizaveta for no apparent reason?! These accounts are typical, be-cause the emptiness of God’s ab-sence is great. Perhaps great enough to make me one day bomb an abortion clinic, torture detained prisoners or deprive gay people of equal protection under the law.

Albert Camus

The death of morals

2/2 (Poster Session) Clip Art for Mimeographs by Becky Anderson, Secondary Education

2/7 A New Formula for Binary Function Compound of Acrylonitrile-Butadiene Copolymers with Zinc Stearate (66.04 pm diameter) when Actuated on Athabasca bitumen-based C200H246N2S7O4 by Mike Trinh, Mechanical Engineering

2/12 Omphaloskepsis: Norms and Membership in Academic Discourse Communities, 1999-Present by Mieke Sorenstam, English

February Dissertation Defenses

Page 3 THE COLONEL WINTER 2006

The following is the first installment of our series of memoirs:“A Semester Abroad with the Heritage Foundation”

This month: Saigon, Vietnam

Your tread is delicate. Through the steaming jungle heat, cries ring out on all sides. All around you, the dark-skinned natives, nodding heads bent under their quaint little hats, eye you as prey. You spring forward, reach and seize it: a Louis Vuitton, under

your under-arm, priced at the un-believable rate of five dollars.

To be completely h o n e s t , V i e t n a m is kind of beating a dead horse with the

whole war thing. Everywhere you go it’s land mine this and My Lai Mas-sacre that. Sure, that sort of thing is interesting, but do they not realize that it’s also really, really depressing? And you know what, Vietnam, I hate to break it to you, but those battles were all kind of waged a long time ago. It’s time for this country to take a long, hard look at its legacy and ac-knowledge where its strengths really lie: knockoffs and prostitution.

Here’s a little factoid for you. Did you know that North Face bags are made in Vietnam? That means you can buy it straight from the kid who made it. That’s right - you can finally cut out the middleman! You know

all those times you wondered if your stuff fell apart because it was made by a drip, or a dork, or a handicapped kid - the kind who got made fun of by all the others because his deformed hand prevented his stitching from be-ing as straight as Master demanded? Now you can check him out for your-self. If you’re afraid that Phuong’s open wound might have dripped into the pockets of your duffel slash backpack, just send him back to the factory. They’ll only beat him for a few minutes, he’ll learn a valuable lesson, and while he’s there, he can send one of the stronger kids from his kindergarten class to offer you better merch. You get your luggage, he gets his rice ration...and capitalism works its magic once again.

And don’t forget the thriving sex trade you’ll have access to in Vietnam. The “happy ending” at the end of your massage, the one you can’t get your wife to give you, will run roughly twelve cents around here - and that’s before you threaten to price the services in the next stall. Most of these Orien-tal lady dragons have trained on the streets of Saigon and Jakarta, and from what I’ve heard, their services are worth at least fifty cents. That’s a savings of thirty-eight cents - nothing to sneeze at in a country where sell-ing plasma will basically allow you to buy a bag of medium-quality heroin. Think about that the next time you ac-cidentally pick up a transvestite again on Limestone and “she” tells you she

can’t break a fifty.Of course, it’s unfair to just take

take take from this giving country. Leave a legacy! Bring candy and throw it into a crowd of kids - the fight you’ll start will keep you laughing for days, and once the scrappy one on the edge has knocked his best friend unconscious for your O! Henry Mini, he’ll have a Western taste sensation like he’s never dreamed. Teach them American words - but make sure they’re ones they’ll use, like “what the hell.” Bring the shirts you’ve de-cided you’re too mature to wear and distribute them to poor kids. Sure, it may seem a little odd to see a three year old wearing a tank that says “One Tequila Two Tequila Three Tequi-la Floor,” but he doesn’t understand it. Hell, he’ll probably never learn to read. And it keeps the sewage off.

Yes, there is life after the war. This is a fine country for Westerners - almost enough to question why we abandoned imperialism in the first place. Sure, the Tet Offensive was sig-nificant enough to be written about in some book, but it’s written down - why keep talking about it? Instead, let us ensure that this country’s new legacy - of postcards, Tiger Beer and t-shirts that say “This Body Is Y2K Compliant” - lives on.

Hillary Eason is a Junior at Centre College. Her personal information can be accessed at the Facebook.com.

After an extensive search, the Uni-versity has now chosen its next pro-vost from an impressive list of Amer-ica’s most eligible academic elite.

This was obv ious ly a posi-tion vital to the Uni-v e r s i t y ’ s future and one that needed to be filled by s o m e o n e with vision, insight, and the leader-ship quali-

ties that UK needs to move ahead in the highly competitive field of higher education.

The search team should be com-mended for choosing Professor Kumble Subbaswamy – a man who will move this University forward. His

selection proves that the University is more than just a “good ol’ boys club” – it is an employer that values com-petence, not connections.

But what made this selection pro-cess truly special was student involve-ment, thanks to the selfless efforts of Student Government President,

Becky Ellingsworth. Yes, as the stu-dent body representative to the se-lection committee, Becky once again led the way, turning the student voice into what was sometimes described by other committee members as a “deafening roar.” Becky personally made sure students were informed about who the candidates were, how they would lead the University and about their differing visions and plans for UK’s future. At one point, the candidate forums actually had to be moved to Commonwealth Stadium to accommodate the students Becky rallied to hear the candidates speak.

We should all be proud that the new Provost is not an institutional crony, but an enlightened leader cho-sen with a large amount of student input - input led and collected by stu-dent body president and student ad-vocate, Becky Ellingsworth.

Thanks, Becky Ellingsworth for, as usual, putting the students first.

By Soon-Yi PrevinFantastic Sam’s Bureau Chief

LEXINGTON, Ky - With the approval of the Top-20 Business Plan by the UK Board of Trustees at the close of last semester, the University moved one strategic step closer to fixing what President Lee Todd has long called “Kentucky Uglies.” Until now, Uglies have been thought to refer to the ills that plague citizens of the Common-wealth, such as poverty, illiteracy, and poor health care. Not so, according to an unnamed source who claims Ug-lies are in fact part of an inside joke dating to 2001, around the time of Todd’s appointment as 11th presi-dent of the university. “Uglies are all about hair,” explained The Colonel’s contact, who would only say that he was associated with the Board of Trustees. The source, who fears re-taliation from adherents of the neck blanket, has become known in inves-tigative circles as Combover. “When Todd came to campus, we all real-ized that the legislature had us by the ‘short hairs’ so to speak. It was ugly. They wanted us to be a Top-20 institu-tion, but given our history as a Mullet U, we needed a plan to fix that.”

That same year, Lexington-Fayette Urban County Council approved an or-dinance commonly referred to as the “Party Plan.” The Party Plan enables police to shut down noisy parties mostly in neighborhoods near cam-pus. Shortly after the Party Plan’s in-ception, Ace Weekly reporter Tommy Wilson asked if “the university and ur-ban county council [were] conspiring to rid the ‘college town’ area of stu-

dents to serve their own agendas.” Wilson was on to something then, though he didn’t have all the pieces of the puzzle. It would only become clear four years later with the pas-sage of the Business Plan. The Busi-ness Plan was widely lauded for many reasons, such as its no-nonsense at-titude toward increasing instructional spending. “The Plan made UK look like it was all business…in the front,” Combover said. “The Trustees loved it. No more Sweet Kentucky Water-fall. No more budget shortfall. Top-20, here we come.”

Optimism was short-lived, how-ever, when the Boy Governor failed to cough up all the funds UK requested in the Business Plan. The Frankfort rumor mill suggests that Fletcher enjoys keeping Kentucky ugly, and evidence corroborates that line of thinking. Consider the Smiley Face license plate. Or the Hiring Scandal. “Fletcher’s basically telling us we’re stuck with the Missouri Compromise, or maybe the Tennessee Tophat,” Combover complained. And worse news was on the way when the Ur-ban County Council indicated it would “review” the Party Plan. Trimming the Party Plan back makes some student members of the Mullitia happy, but conservatives suggest it keeps us in the aesthetic dark ages. “It’s not just a setback,” Todd lamented. “It’s a Shorty-Longback. A real bad Achy-Breaky-Bad-Mistakey. No one will take Kentucky seriously. Our future is the Squirrel Pelt stereotype. Fletcher might call it a Coupe Longueuil, but it’s the same old Camaro Cut.”

Vietnam: Still a minefield ... of smoking deals

Hillary EasonGood Brown

Correspondent

NEWS YOU CAN USE

UK Cure for Kentucky Uglies Fails

Silence Dogood

One man’s frustrationa cartoon by Chuck C.

SG Takes the Lead in Provost Search

SG President Becky Elling-sworth making her presence felt at every meeting of the Provost Search Committee.

Patriot Matching Game: Know Your Presidents!Match each U.S. President with his stated attitude toward religion. Find the answers at UKColonel.com.

But don’t cheat. Remember: God is still watching you!

1.) John Adams, Second President

2.) Thomas Jefferson, Third President

3.) James Madison, Fourth President

4.) Abraham Lincoln, Sixteenth President

5.) Willam Howard Taft, Twenty-Seventh President

A.) “During almost fifteen centuries has the legal establishment of Christian- ity been on trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity; in both, super- stition, bigotry, and persecution.”B.) “I do not believe in the divinity of Christ, and there are many other of the pos- tulates of the orthodox creed to which I cannot subscribe.”C.) “The Bible is not my book nor Christianity my profession. I could never give assent to the long, complicated statements of Christian dogma.”D.) “This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it.”E.) “The Christian god can easily be pictured as virtually the same god as the many ancient gods of past civilizations. The Christian god is a three headed monster; cruel, vengeful and capricious. If one wishes to know more of this raging, three headed beast-like god, one only needs to look at the caliber of people who say they serve him. They are always of two classes: fools and hypocrites.”

Page 4 THE COLONEL WINTER 2006

Vatican Launches New Reality TV Series

By Dustin Michael Harris The Man Who Saw It Happen

The night was electric as the crowd poured out of Mike Falkowitz Sta-dium.

Most of the men and women mak-ing their way home were stunned. Few could believe that they’d pulled it off. This group of rag tag, well-inten-tioned kids with little or nothing too lose, but with a lot to gain, had pulled it off like a band of pros.

Very rarely in the game does any-thing happen that’s so significant, so poised to go down in the history books. These people did it - and they did it well.

“I didn’t think we’d be able to do it this season,” coach Don Coleman said. “But this year, we did it. It’s done. And if all goes as planned, next year we’re gonna do it again!”

The celebration continued through-out the night as the men and women of this extremely rare and eclectic group met together at a nearby Buf-falo Wild Wings to toast the fruits of their victory.

By the end of the evening, many were drunk on spicy wings, success and ... rum. Lots and lots of rum.

“Captain Morgan’s baby, yeah!” Lionel Durwitz, a sixth-year member of the team said. “Baby, let me tell

you somethin’ baby. I’ll tell you what - these motherf**kers are the best damn motherf**kers at what they do! They did it baby! We did it! I’m sailin’ away baby! I’m sailing! Damn!”

Strong words from a man who did it.

In the beginning, success seemed unlikely for such a group of diverse individuals trying to do something. It was a feeling that wasn’t lost on Cole-man.

“When we first got together and tried to do it,” Coleman said, “I thought ‘This is a disaster. We’re not gonna do it.’ Then, after a few weeks together, I started thinking ‘No, we can do it.’”

After just a few months in the same place, these men and women had accomplished something that no one thought possible - they’d done it. It was over. Done. Finished, if you will. Now fans are looking to the future for a repeat, but for the group that did it, doing it again is a long way down the road.

“Man, we’re just workin’ it,” Sturdy Howser said. “If you’d told me that I’d be gettin’ it done this far in the game, I woulda said ‘f**k you sucker. I ain’t doin’ nothin.’ But then, my momma died and I knew ... I said ‘Sturdy you ain’t nothin’ if you don’t do it.’ So I did it.”

And now, in the words of Sturdy -

who died suddenly of a heart attack just a few weeks ago - he’s one rich “mofo.” At least he was.

In the process of doing it, the team forgot to overlook their contracts and suffered the consequences when shrewd owner Tori Cook, banking on a losing season and planning to sell the team all along, had them sign phony bonuses that actually rescind-ed the profits they turned under the merchandising window “Doin’ it Mer-chandising.”

Cook declined to comment in per-son, but a spokesman said that she was sure “she’d get away with her heartless, fiendish plan.”

“Man, that bitch screwed us while we were doin’ it,” Howser said, “I got a family ... and a boat. Shit man, I got a family that lives on a boat.”

“Doin’ it Merchandising” has gone on to make profits upwards of $50,000 dollars.

If you’re looking for a happy ending to this story ... there’s not one. Tori Cook got away with her fiendish plan, just as her spokesman had said and the members of the team that did it disbanded, never to do it again.

“Life’s a roller coaster,” Coleman said. “One minute you’re doin’ it and the next minute ... well, you’re drunk and livin’ on a boat with Sturdy Hows-er and his seven kids.”

By Eric Rickert

WASHINGTON, DC - Top-secret documents obtained by The Colonel show that months after President Bush’s reelection, his administration began using the Facebook to track and document terrorists’ activities within the US.

Under a presidential order signed in the Spring of 2005, the National Security Agency (NSA), along with the CIA and the FBI, began canvassing the social networking site for leads and information regarding Al Qaeda suspects, as well as American-born terrorists.

Since its creation in 2004, the online community has grown expo-nentially, with virtually every college student in the country creating an ac-count.

The Bush administration asked The Colonel via a Facebook message not to publish this article, saying it could harm national security. The newspaper delayed the completion of the article by a few hours, as the staff was too busy looking at their high school graduating classes to read the message.

While many details are still un-known, officials familiar with the pro-gram say the security organizations eavesdrop on as many as 50,000 college students per semester. They say the eavesdropping took on more importance with the introduction of photo albums for each student.

“The recent advancements on Facebook have really helped out the

N.S.A.,” said a top Bush administra-tion official. “The photo albums, the improved comment wall, as well as the ability to see more pictures of a given suspect have all made our job easier.”

While the Bush administration sees the operation as a necessary evil in the war on terror, some on Capital Hill remain skeptical.

“I’m not sure about all this ‘priva-cy’ business, but I do know one thing: the Facebook is clearly an addiction that has spiraled out of control,” said Senator Jim Bunning (R-Ky).

Indeed nearly all the officials admit the administration has become ob-sessed with the online community.

“At the last staff meeting I went to, Vice President Cheney spent all his time surfing the Facebook looking at pictures of sorority mixers,” said an of-ficial. “Secretary Rice usually search-es for old classmates she hates and submits their e-mail addresses to the N.S.A. as a joke.”

“It started as a security procedure, but now it’s just another way to kill time instead of doing work. I mean, we haven’t found a single terrorist on Facebook. I did find my daughter’s best friend in second grade, though.”

The officials all agree, however, that no one is worse than President Bush.

“The man has hundreds of fake identities, nearly one at each school,” one official said. “Sometimes he’s a regular undergraduate, but usu-ally it’s a character. You know, like, Jesus Christ or one of those comedi-ans who want to friend everyone on

Facebook.”President Bush has left some

schools out of the security tap. A top Bush aide said, “He’s not looking at NYU or Oberlin or schools like that. He says he doesn’t want to look at photo albums of hippies and art fags.”

That same official identified popu-lar UK Facebooker Jacques Derrida as Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez. “Gonzalez has a really lofty sense of humor. He thought everyone would know the father of decontructionism … but he was wrong.”

Documents obtained by The Colo-nel show that Facebook is the first in a line of social networking sites the administration plans on infiltrating. The documents contain analyses and strategies for such sites as Myspace, XuQa, HotorNot, as well as the popu-lar gay site, xy.com.

President Bush has also consid-ered bringing in criminal profilers to interpret the favorites lists of certain individuals. “He wants to know what a person’s favorite movies say about him or her,” one official said. “He’s particularly concerned about those people who list foreign films as faves. He thinks that’s a red flag for terror-ists.”

Officials advise college students to be vigilant. “If you’re going to blow up something, don’t take your digital camera, and don’t list terrorist activi-ties as interests, you know?” said one top aide.

Congressional hearings to deter-mine the legality of the program are not expected.

By Nathan Benedicked XVITransitory Problems Bureau Chief

NEW YORK - Following NBC’s smash self-improvement hit, “The Biggest Loser,” the Catholic Church has taken an unprecedented move to reinvigo-rate the priesthood with its racy new series, “Queer Factor.” The show, which launches in tandem with the Church’s recent 3-year abstinence of “tendencies” policy for gays, follows the exploits and tribulations of 15 gay contestants all in pursuit of a higher calling. As always in reality television, there is a twist. Set in a picturesque and lavishly furnished bungalow min-utes from the heart of San Francisco, the 15 contestants will face a series of tempting challenges that range

from finding a random verse in the Bible and making sense of it to think-ing pure thoughts in a special “Locker Room Challenge” to ultimately facing a contest to see who can baptize the most people at UC Berkeley given only a fire hose. The show’s creator, an ex-gay himself, explained: “Not only do we have video cameras hid-den throughout the house 24/7, but we also are able to monitor what the contestants view with broadband in-ternet connections and full access to chat rooms. I believe this show is going to make so many people stron-ger, not just the winning contestant. It feels so good to have God working through me to help others.”

Vatican officials indicate the show will be simulcast on CBN and Bravo.

By Nathan DickersonWhole Top Diamonds, Bottom Row Golds Correspondent

“Let you see my what?! Ya, ya grill ya, ya, ya grill.”

After launching boycotts against Disney, NBC, and threatening Ford Motor Co., General Motors, and Daim-lerChrysler for having affiliations with the gay community, the American Family Association has launched yet another campaign against the entire hip-hop industry. In a lengthy press release, the organization articulated its chief concern: the “hyper-mascu-linization” of American culture, which, they warn, “could lead to rampant ho-mosexuality in the vein of an Ancient Rome or Greece.” Also, noted in the release, “rappers have shown a dis-tinct distaste for bitches. AFA contin-ues to believe in treating our bitches with respect.”

The firestorm comes in the wake of Nelly’s latest smash hit, “Grillz.” One set of lyrics has sparked particular

controversy: “Gotta bill in my mouth like Hilary Rodham.” The AFA claims these lyrics are especially concern-ing, because they not only “promote a liberal agenda,” but – since they are sung by a male rapper – they also, conjure “images of a man figuratively fellating another man.” The press re-lease argues Nelly’s performance is, “a smoking gun, an oozing phallus if you will, of the submissive homosex-ual agenda in the media elite.” AFA argues that these lyrics are just one of many examples of the homosexual overtones of hip-hop culture. Other examples include 50 Cent’s “Ryder” featuring the verse, “I’m homophobic shiiit. Go through the hood, there’s mad niggas on my dick” and Emi-nem’s proclivity for mooning. When pressed for comment about the diffi-culties of such a campaign, the Presi-dent of AFA, at first befuddled, even-tually responded, “I’m just tryin to say the way school need teachers, the way Kathy Lee needed Regis, that’s the way I need Jesus.”

We Did It!

Jason Richards

American Family Association Boycotts Hip-Hop

NSA Eavesdropping Included Facebook Surveillance

The Colonel will be hosting a token liberal speaker in February. Contact ky.colonel@gmail.com for more info.