THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO THE PROCESS, PRINCIPLES AND SKILLS OF PERSONAL COACHINGAre you a good listener? A perceptive observer? Or perhaps you know instinctively when something isnt right?

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THECOACHING MANUAL

THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO THE PROCESS, PRINCIPLES AND SKILLS OF PERSONAL COACHINGJULIE STARR

2 EDITIONTHECOACHING MANUAL

The Coaching Manualisthemostcurrent,comprehensive,practical,best-illustratedcoachingsourceIhaveeverseen. Dr. Stephen R. Covey, author, The7HabitsofHighlyEffectivePeople

JulieStarrsThe Coaching ManualisthemostcomprehensivebookonthepracticeofcoachingthatIhavecomeacross.Ifanyonewishestobecomeaonetoonecoachandonlyreadonebookaboutit,thiscouldwellbethatbook.Sir John Whitmore, Executive Chairman, Performance Consultants International, and author of CoachingForPerformance.

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Whether youre new to coaching or have been coaching for some time, TheCoachingManual is packed with information, tools and techniques to take your coaching to another level.

In this edition, youll find:

Key questions and considerations to help take your coaching forward.

The Coaching Path a simple structure for an effective coaching conversation.

What the barriers to a good coaching conversation are and how you can avoid them.

Emotional maturity - how is it both a requirement of you and an improvement you might encourage in others?

TheCoachingManual is thefoundation resource for coaches everywhere.

JulieStarrsbookwillbeofgreatinteresttobothexperiencedandnovicecoachesalike.Fromfoundationallisteningskillstocontractingandgoalsettingyoull find it here. Enjoy! Anthony Grant, Director, Coaching Psychology Unit, University of Sydney

About the author

Julie Starr is a highly respected coach and consultant with a well established coaching practice. The founder of Starr Consulting, she works to encourage the growth of coaching within business. Julie combines a constant study of personal development with a passion for producing coaching tools that simply work. Her methods, models and approaches are used to develop great coaching practice around the world.

Starr_02E_0273713524.indd 1 11/10/07 16:53:47

The Coaching Manual

COAC_A01.qxp 10/10/07 08:28 Page i

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The

CoachingManual

The definitive guide tothe process, principles and skills

of personal coaching

Second edition

Julie Starr

COAC_A01.qxp 10/10/07 08:28 Page iii

Pearson Education LimitedEdinburgh GateHarlow CM20 2JETel: 44 (0)1279 623623Fax: 44 (0)1279 431059Website: www.pearsoned.co.uk

First edition published in 2002Second edition published in Great Britain in 2008

Pearson Education Limited 2008

The right of Julie Starr to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by her in accordancewith the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

ISBN: 978-0-273-71352-4

British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication DataA catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataStarr, Julie.

The coaching manual: the definitive guide to the process, principles, and skills of personal coaching /Julie Starr. -- 2nd ed.

p. cm.Includes index.ISBN 978-0-273-71352-4 (pbk.)1. Personal coaching--Handbooks, manuals, etc. I. TitleBF637.P36C634 2008158'.3--dc22

2007036878

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, ortransmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording orotherwise, without either the prior written permission of the publisher or a licence permittingrestricted copying in the United Kingdom issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd, SaffronHouse, 610 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. This book may not be lent, resold, hired out orotherwise disposed of by way of trade in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it ispublished, without the prior consent of the Publishers.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 111 10 09 08 07

Typeset in 10/16pt Palatino by 3Printed by Ashford Colour Press Ltd., Gosport

The publishers policy is to use paper manufactured from sustainable forests.

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Contents

v

Acknowledgements ix

1 Introduction 1

The purpose of this book 3What is personal coaching? 4Coaching in business 10Personal coaching: life/lifestyle 13A comparison of coaching and therapy 14Chapter summary: Introduction 17

2 Collaborative coaching 19

What does collaborative coaching mean? 20Non-directive versus directive language 20Attributes of a good coach 27Chapter summary: Collaborative coaching 30

3 Coaching principles or beliefs 33

Operating principles for coaches 34Maintain a commitment to support the individual 35Build the coaching relationship on truth, openness and trust 40The coachee is responsible for the results they are generating 43The coachee is capable of much better results than they are

currently generating 48Focus on what the coachee thinks and experiences 50Coachees can generate perfect solutions 52The conversation is based on equality 56Chapter summary: Coaching principles or beliefs 57

4 Fundamental skills of coaching 59

Can anyone coach? 60Skill one building rapport or relationship 61Skill two different levels of listening 82

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Skill three using intuition 96Skill four asking questions 102Skill five giving supportive feedback 121Chapter summary: Fundamental skills of coaching 141

5 Barriers to coaching 143

Physical and environmental barriers 144Behavioural barriers: what not to do 147Chapter summary: Barriers to coaching 173

6 Coaching conversations: the coaching path 175

The coaching path: guiding principles 176Stage one establish conversation 178Stage two identify topic and goal 181Stage three surface understanding and insight 187Stage four shape agreements and conclusions 197Stage five completion/close 206The coaching path: making the process your own 207Chapter summary: Coaching conversations: the coaching path 208

7 Coaching assignment: structure and process 211

Four stages of a coaching assignment 213Stage one establish the context for coaching 215Stage two create understanding and direction 228Stage three review/confirm learning 243Stage four completion 251A framework for coaching 259Chapter summary: Coaching assignment: structure

and process 261

8 Emotional maturity and coaching 265

What is emotional maturity? 266Emotional maturity four competences 274Chapter summary: Emotional maturity and coaching 301

9 Becoming a coach 305

What do we mean become a coach? 306So you want to be a coach? 307Paid coach or unpaid coach? 309

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Professional coaching just coach or coach and also . . .? 310What kind of coach are you? 313How do you equip yourself to be a great coach? 316Chapter summary: Becoming a coach 318

10 Summary and close 321

Key points of learning 322The future of coaching 329Taking your learning forward 330Chapter summary: Summary and close 331

Appendix 1

Coaching overview document 333

Appendix 2

Summary of a first session 340

Appendix 3

Feedback interview document 348

Index 351

CONTENTS

vii

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Acknowledgements

ix

There are many people who have contributed to the development of the

ideas and thoughts in the book and I hope Ive remembered to acknowledge

most of them. I would like to express my gratitude for the work of the fol-

lowing people: Anthony Robbins, Stephen Covey, John Grinder, Richard

Bandler, Deepak Chopra, M. Scott Peck, Landmark Education, Brian Tracey,

Frank Daniels, Brandon Bays and Milton H. Erickson.

Id also like to thank Scott Downing, Mike Fryer, Bob Janes, Joss Kang,

Richard Watts, Xanthe Wells, Julia Whiteley, Marcia Yudkin and Rachael

Stock for their challenges, thoughts and ideas in the preparation of the text.

Further resources

For a recommended reading list and other useful resources, see

www.starrconsulting.co.uk

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1Introduction

chapter

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Welcome to the updated edition of The Coaching Manual. Since thefirst book was written, I have watched as the awareness andappetite for coaching continue to emerge. Professionally,coaching is thriving and thats a positive thing, for at the heart of coaching

is a realisation of our basic interdependency as people, and there is much

good that can come from that simple truth.

The Coaching Manual has been translated into several languages and now

supports the practice and development of coaching far and wide. Since the

publication of the first edition I have continued to work and study within

the field of personal development and, in particular, personal coaching.

Whilst I believe the universal principles and truths in the first edition still

stand strong, I have also designed further material which I hope will benefit

others. The purpose of this edition is to build on the base of the first book by

offering further insights and guidance for anyone involved in coaching, in

any context. I hope you enjoy this edition and find it supports the work that

you do.

* * * *

I wonder why you have opened this book?

Maybe you want to learn more about coaching, or begin coaching others.

Perhaps youre already coaching and are ready to develop your knowledge

and skills further. Maybe you work in the field of people development or

therapy and are interested in what coaching has to offer. Or perhaps youre

considering engaging a coach and want to know what youre getting into.

Whatever your reasons, Im optimistic that youve come to the right place.

Coaching people is a very rewarding thing to do. It is about enabling people

to create change through learning. Coaching is also about people being

more, doing more, achieving more and, above all, contributing more. In our

constant quest for success, happiness and fulfilment, coaching provides a

way by which one person can truly support the progress of another.

So, whoever you are, Ill say welcome. Your interest benefits us all. The field

of coaching needs more of us to constantly develop our own learning, and

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so improve general standards of coaching everywhere. I hope we can

already count on you to be part of that movement.

The purpose of this book

This book explains the principles and approaches of personal coaching and

shows you how to apply them in any coaching situation: from business

coaching for performance, to more holistic life coaching. For those already

coaching, the manual offers new insights and fresh ideas. For the brand new

coach, the manual is a practical guide to begin and support your learning.

For the busy manager, the manual provides techniques to use with your

team.

The Coaching Manual covers the principles and beliefs that underpin

coaching, describes the actual coaching process stage by stage, and gives

fresh perspectives on the skills you need to develop. In this edition, weve

added the structure of a typical coaching conversation, to help you navigate

through the first hello to a typical farewell. Youll also get practical guid-

ance on what works and what may simply get in the way of great coaching.

If youre interested in enlisting the services of a coach, either for yourself or

others, youll gain insight into coaching practices that will support you as a

client.

Counsellors, or those thinking of going into counselling, will find relevant

information and guidance. Many of our building blocks and skills are the

same. Principles of integrity and a persons responsibility for their actions

are common to both. Skills of listening, questioning and establishing

relationships are also key within both professions.

A manual that helps you to learn

This book is designed to provide you with a practical, enjoyable way to

learn while you read. Youll find clearly marked sections, together with

exercises and examples that will help you develop the skills, perspectives

and beliefs of a good coach. Whether youre new to coaching, or have been

INTRODUCTION

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coaching forever this book will help you develop further. Some exercises

are easy, while others are a real challenge. I invite you to discover which

ones benefit your learning the most.

The exercises and learning routines can be done in your normal, everyday

circumstances so you dont have to be coaching in order to learn coaching!

Some exercises can be done alone, others in the company of colleagues or

friends. Often, you can try out the new behaviours or routines without

people knowing that youre actually learning while youre with them.

There are also routines and language that you can use in coaching sessions,

to help you to be really effective in those conversations. Once youve fin-

ished reading, you can use the book as an ongoing point of reference, to help

you plan your coaching, brush up on your skills, and even spot problems as

they occur.

What is personal coaching?

From early forms of transportation, i.e. stagecoach or rail coach, the word

coaching literally means to transport someone from one place to another.

One thing that all forms of coaching seem to have in common is that people

are using it to help them move forward or create change.

Put simply, coaching is a conversation, or series of conversations, one

person has with another. The person who is the coach intends to produce a

conversation that will benefit the other person (the coachee) in a way that

relates to the coachees learning and

progress. Coaching conversation might

happen in many different ways and in many

different environments.

Coaching has many different forms or expressions, within many different

areas of human activity. There are sports coaches, music coaches, relation-

ship coaches, voice coaches, writing coaches and time-management coaches,

to name but a few. It appears that whatever you might be doing, theres a

coach out there to help you do it!

THE COACHING MANUAL

4

Put simply, coaching is a

conversation, or series of

conversations, one person

has with another.

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The person who decides whether a conversation was a coaching conversa-

tion or not is normally the person who is being coached. If someone

acknowledges the following to be true after a conversation, then they would

probably accept that it was coaching:

The focus of the conversation was primarily themselves and their

circumstances.

Their thinking, actions and learning benefited significantly from the

conversation.

They were unlikely to have had those benefits in thinking or learning

within that time frame if the conversation hadnt happened.

So when we apply these simple principles, we realize weve been coaching

each other forever. For generations, whether its over the garden wall, a cup

of tea or a beer in the pub, weve talked about what happens in our lives. We

share our troubles and our dreams. We listen to each other and we advise

each other. Sometimes this process really helps. Maybe we realize a sol-

ution, make a decision, or perhaps the conversation simply makes us feel

better.

Testing questions Where are you already coaching?

Of the following, which do you do regularly?

Give friends or colleagues advice.

Listen to others problems, to help and support them.

Explain to other people how to do something better.

Train others in new knowledge or skills.

Manage the work of others.

Give other people feedback or observations of their behaviour so that

they can get better at something.

Conduct job appraisals or assessments of peoples work performance.

Provide counselling for others.

Perform personal coaching on a 1:1 basis.

INTRODUCTION

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This book will help improve general standards of coaching wherever they

occur. Whether your coaching conversations are planned or not, this book

gives you support and practical guidance so that those conversations create

really great results.

Where does coaching come from?

The most recognized forms of coaching come from the sporting world.

Having evolved over thousands of years, the figure of a sports coach

working alongside top athletes is accepted without question. There may

seem to be a contradiction in having someone who cant do what you can

do, as well as you can do it, to help you to improve. Roger Federers coach

cant play tennis like Federer does and yet he plays a vital role in improving

Federers game. So why does Federer get help from a lesser player?

The reason is quite simple: because coaching is proven to work. It improves

the results an individual is creating. A tennis coach needs coaching skills

more than they need to be a good tennis player themselves. By applying

principles of observation and feedback, sports coaches can make the differ-

ence between a world-beater and an also-ran.

Strangely, where someone has all the skills needed to produce a result them-

selves, they cant always help someone else to do it. For example, a

world-class tennis player might have real difficulty in coaching someone

else to the same standard. This is because the perspectives and skills of a

coach are essentially different from those of a tennis player. If a tennis player

wants to become a great coach, they must begin to focus on developing

coaching behaviours and skills. Its not enough to be able to do you have

to be able to coach.

The same principle applies in business. Coaches work alongside individuals

to help improve their performance at work, regardless of whether or not

they could do that work themselves. What a coach can do is help someone

see opportunities for improvement, as well as practical ways forward.

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Coaching as an industry

The coaching industry is firmly established and growing fast. At the end of

2006, the International Coach Federation (ICF) conducted a global survey

with respondents from 73 countries that estimated the following:

There are at least 30,000 coaches operating worldwide.

Two-thirds of the respondents to the ICF survey were female.

The vast majority (86%) of coaches have been coaching 10 years or

less.

Coaches spend 63 million GBP per year on professional

development.

95% of coaches have received coach-specific training.

39% of respondents coach full time.

The largest cluster of coaches (nearly 39%) were between 46 and 55

years of age.

The majority (56%) of coaching clients are female.

The majority of coaching clients are between 38 and 45 years

old.

The average revenue generated by a full time coach is:

Globally: 41,548 (GBP)

Europe: 46,960 (GBP)

United Kingdom: 56,277 (GBP).

The survey, by PricewaterhouseCoopers, also estimated that the revenue gen-

eratedbycoachingglobally is754million(GBP).Forfurtherdetailsof thesurvey

and its results, check out ICFs website: www.coachfederation.org/ICF

How does personal coaching happen?

A personal coach will often work within arranged coaching sessions. The

coach will normally use a blend of observation, talking, listening, questioning

INTRODUCTION

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and reflecting back to the individual they are working with. If the situation

or circumstances are suitable, a coach might also use other media, such as

telephone or e-mail.

Coaching might consist of two people talking in a room about things the

coachee wants to change. This is sometimes called off-line coaching. It

might also be a coach observing someone doing something, e.g. talking to

customers or colleagues, then discussing that with them. This can be called

on-line coaching.

Other coaching conversations might easily happen outside a formal

coaching session. For example, a casual discussion around a challenging

situation or goal may easily produce a conversation in which the individual

receives coaching.

Whether coaching happens in the workplace or outside, the two activities can

easily merge into the same thing. Its often impossible to separate work from life

anyway. Peoples lives dont package themselves into neat little bundles job,

home, money, health, etc. Our lives seem to contain themes that run through

them like common-coloured thread. If youre not happy at work, thats likely

to show up somewhere else. If youre not feeling healthy or full of energy, then

thats likely to be mirrored elsewhere, e.g. in your relationships or social life.

The coaching relationship

The role of coach provides a kind of support distinct from any other. A

coach will focus solely on an individuals situation with the kind of atten-

tion and commitment that the individual will rarely experience elsewhere.

If you imagine yourself being coached, you will perhaps appreciate why so

many people engage the services of a coach. This person, your coach, will

listen to you, with a curiosity to understand who you are, what you think

and generally how you experience the world. Your coach will reflect back to

you, with the kind of objective view that creates real clarity. During conver-

sations, your coach will encourage you to rise to challenges, overcome

obstacles and move into action.

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Whats most important during that conver-

sation is you, your success, happiness and

ultimate fulfilment. Having worked to estab-

lish exactly what you want to achieve from

coaching, those goals and objectives become

the focus for the conversation. As a conse-

quence, the only agenda happening in the conversation is your agenda,

which your coach will often guard more closely than you do. When youre

ready to quit, no longer care that you want to get that promotion, get better

at something, or change your lifestyle, your coach stays committed to those

goals.

When things dont go well, your coach supports you. When you experience

success, your coach celebrates your achievements. Your coach will also help

you to pinpoint exactly what you did that worked so well, so that you can

do it again. A coaching relationship is like no other, simply because of its

combination of objective detachment and commitment to the goals of the

individual.

Little wonder then that so many people are finding that coaching relation-

ships can help them develop and learn in ways that enable them to have or

achieve what they really want.

Learn to coach by being coached

One of the best ways to learn how to be a good coach is to be coached. You

will experience what it feels like to be a coachee. You will understand what

works and what doesnt, what feels right and what feels wrong. Surprisingly,

that might not always be what you expect. For example, as a coach, silence

can be uncomfortable, while for a coachee, the same silence can feel won-

derful. A sense of rapid progress during a conversation can feel great for the

coach, and yet turbulent for the coachee. So, if youre serious about devel-

oping your coaching skills, I recommend you have some sort of coaching as

part of your development. As well as helping you develop as a coach, youll

probably find there are other benefits for your personal goals as well!

INTRODUCTION

9

Whats most important

during that conversation is

you, your success,

happiness and ultimate

fulfilment.

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Coaching in business

Coaching is now big in business. Organizations now realise that they can

improve both the performance and motivation of their people through

coaching. Increasingly, a coaching style of management is preferred to the

more traditional approaches of command and control. Instead of managers

directing people, giving detailed instructions for what to do and when to do

it, they focus more on encouraging people to think for themselves. We

sometimes call that showing a hungry man how to fish (rather than simply

giving him a fish!). When problems arise, a coaching manager doesnt auto-

matically jump in and solve them. Instead, they challenge others to resolve

situations. Coaching managers provide support, challenge, feedback and

guidance but rarely answers.

Managers who coach often place as much importance on the development

of people reporting to them, as on the tasks those people are performing. For

the manager, this means fewer queues of people at their desk asking what

to do next (and much less worry if the manager wants a vacation). More of

the managers focus is on establishing conditions in which people can

perform independently of the manager. Creating these conditions means

more time is spent on activities such as objective setting, one-to-one meet-

ings and team briefings. One-to-one meetings can now become coaching

sessions, as the manager adopts a more supportive, challenging and devel-

opmental approach.

During team meetings, the manager can use the coaching skills of listening,

questioning and goal setting to encourage the group to take responsibility

for situations. Over time, colleagues learn more, perform better, and are

generally more motivated by this nurturing style of leadership. As they

become used to the managers expectations of them, they begin to respond

automatically to situations with more responsibility and empowerment.

Managers who coach improve productivity, morale and job satisfaction for

their colleagues. Such managers, in turn, find that people are less dependent

upon them, which often reduces pressure, or frees up time to concentrate on

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other priorities. As more businesses go multi-site or even global, the dis-

tance between managers and their teams widens. Here, a coaching style is

essential for both sanity and success. As coaching managers increase

peoples independence, they directly reduce the dependency on themselves

to be on-site, directing events.

Executive coaching

Organizations are now willing to invest in personal coaching for their senior

managers and executives. By improving the performance of the most influ-

ential people in an organization, we are able to improve results across a

broad area. In short, we create a positive influence on people who have

influence. Senior managers encourage typical behaviours and ways of being

within the rest of their organization. What they say and how they behave

establish similar standards for people who work for them.

Executive coaching is often done by coaches operating from outside the organ-

ization, whose services are requested for an agreed duration or number of

coaching sessions. Increasingly, personal coaches are also being trained inter-

nally, as organizations realize the opportunity this presents. Internal coaches

normally cost less, and can operate very effectively because of their knowledge

of the operation. Unfortunately senior staff can be wary of using internals, per-

ceiving them to lack independency or credibility. The challenge for internal

coaches is to prove that they can coach with real impact while maintaining a

position of objectivity and trust. Its a worthwhile challenge, surely.

Within business, situations that benefit from personal coaching might

include the following:

A manager with potential has been promoted and is having difficulty

performing in the new role.

An individual is being groomed for senior management and needs to

gain skills or experience before they can make that move.

An individual has relationship issues that are creating problems at an

organizational level.

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An organization has decided to align management behaviours to a set

of core values, e.g. integrity, collaboration or innovation. Some

managers will need coaching in these specific areas.

For example, during coaching a marketing director realizes he acts compet-

itively against the sales director. Because of the competition he feels, he

encourages his own department to withhold support and information from

the sales department. This causes him problems. Last year he mistimed the

launch of a range of sports gear bringing it out on exactly the same day as

the main competitors. Sales could have told him this was a mistake, but they

heard about the launch too late. During coaching, the marketing director

improves his relationship with the sales director, and encourages his depart-

ment to adopt a more collaborative style.

This results in marketing telling sales more about their plans for the year

and what kind of products theyre thinking of launching. As the flow and

exchange of information improves, so does the quality of products and sales

campaigns.

Businesses harnessing the concept of interdependence

Coaching rests on a principle that as people we are interdependent: that as

human beings we acknowledge the simple truth of our connection and

influence upon each other. This is different from operating from ideas of

dependence, co-dependence or independence. When we operate from a

belief that we are dependent on others, we are less able to influence them.

Thats because we have given our power to someone else: I depend on you

to do something and you are out of my control. When we build relation-

ships of co-dependence, we have built a two-way reliance, i.e. you depend on

me and I depend on you. We are both limited by our reliance on each other.

Independence is the idea that we go it alone or operate solo. Being inde-

pendent is generally perceived as a positive attribute, and preferable to

dependency. For example, when someone acts independently, they are gen-

erally viewed as being unbiased or objective. It is also an indication of

apparent confidence, e.g. Oh, hell find his way there, hes a really

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independent character. But independence is also a limit, summed up in the

phrase no man is an island.

I believe that the notion of interdependence is a step further towards the truth:

we are part of a system and our ability to thrive and prosper will be affected by

our ability to operate as part of that system. We realize that the go it alone per-

spective of independency will only get us so far and that to truly prosper, both

as individuals and as communities, we must foster behaviours that acknowl-

edge our basic connections. For example, if you want to succeed in your work

(whatever you might do) it is likely to be other people that help or hinder your

progress. When people recommend you, you prosper; if people choose to

engage your services, you will succeed. Even your ability to perform your

work well is influenced by those around you, whether thats someone passing

on your telephone message, giving you directions when youre lost, or making

sure you get paid. Even if your work involves you spending lots of time alone,

youre still connected. Through e-mail, telephone, the internet, your connec-

tion to others runs through your day like the sound waves all around you.

Within business, building awareness of interdependency makes lots of

sense. For our basic commercial goals and objectives (win customer, serve

customer and reap reward) can only be achieved by the team operating

together, aware of its connections and influence on overall results. For

organizations to truly succeed, this principle of interdependence must be

woven throughout the fabric of the organization. I believe one of the reasons

coaching is being secured as an enabler of organizational performance is the

simple link to interdependence. Coaching builds on this premise of interde-

pendency by having one person support the success of another. And

whether thats managers coaching subordinates, or the other way round, to

coach someone else is to increase your connection to them. Over time we

realize the potential of creating results together.

Personal coaching: life/lifestyle

Coaching outside the workplace is now becoming common. This type of

personal coaching is increasingly viewed as an acceptable form of support

INTRODUCTION

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to anyone seeking to improve specific areas of their life, or simply their

quality of life in general. Personal fulfilment, health, fitness, relationships,

financial freedom, are all common subjects for this type of coaching.

Why do people choose life coaching?

Coaching makes a valuable contribution to the process of helping people to

experience life the way they want to experience it. For some people,

coaching can literally change their lives for the better. With the support of a

coach, people can make clearer judgements

about situations, learn more from experi-

ences, make better choices and take more

effective decisions or actions.

For most of us, life can be difficult. We place tremendous pressure on our-

selves to have a lot, do a lot, and be generally successful in those areas of life

we consider important. That might be having a great job, a great relation-

ship, financial freedom generally living a fabulous life.

Im not going to debate whether thats right or wrong, but I do believe that

coaching is a valuable counterbalance to that pressure. By engaging the

services of a coach, we can begin to focus on what really is important to us

and begin to shape what we need to do to align with that.

A comparison of coaching and therapy

There are obvious similarities between coaches and therapists. Both do a lot

of talking and listening, both deal with peoples problems. However, while

coaching and therapy work in similar areas, they are not the same thing.

Coaching supports general life situations, improving our performance and

creating desirable results. Therapy normally focuses on specific, significant

problems, e.g. trauma, mental illness, etc.

For example, coaching would be appropriate in the following situations:

Putting together a life plan, understanding our aims and goals.

THE COACHING MANUAL

14

For some people coaching

can literally change their

lives for the better.

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Finding ways to reduce stress in our lives, or free up more time.

Building a life/work balance that fulfils us.

Improving our ability to relate to others.

Improving our awareness of ourselves.

Improving our self-discipline and motivation.

Improving our health and well-being routines, e.g. diet, exercise.

There are obviously many more. What youll notice from the above is that

they are all goal-based objectives. That is, we want something we dont cur-

rently have and might use a coach to support us in attaining that. In

addition, the problems associated with the goal might be making us

unhappy, or even sick. For example, youre working 12-hour days on top of

a 2-hour train journey and your relationship is in serious trouble because of

that. In such situations, coaching is now an option where, before, therapy

might have seemed to provide the only available support. Indeed, I would

be surprised if a therapist would welcome clients who simply want to

create more structure around their job in order to shorten their working

day!

When coaching isnt the answer

It is important that a coach recognizes inappropriate situations for

coaching. Where someone has issues that would be better addressed by a

therapist, the coach should understand their own limitations. The skills

and experience of the coach must be taken into account. As a guide, a coach

with no relevant, specialist skills should avoid the following situations:

Ongoing dependency on class A drugs, e.g. heroin, crack, cocaine.

Significant alcohol issues, e.g. someone who drinks to get through the

day.

Where someone has experienced violent or sexual abuse and needs

further support to deal with that.

Where someone is abusing others, either physically or sexually.

INTRODUCTION

15

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Mental illness, e.g. extreme and violent mood swings, ongoing

depression, etc.

The skills of a therapist are often specialised to their area of therapy, e.g.

addiction, abuse, mental illness, etc. To support individuals with extreme

conditions or situations, a therapist will undergo specific training and devel-

opment. They will normally have a relevant model, processes and

terminology to deal with that situation. For example, Alcoholics

Anonymous has a famous 12-step process that assists people to give up

drinking; some psychiatrists study Freudian theory, etc.

You will also notice that there is more emphasis on the problem within the

above situations. Often, the focus of coaching is more on solutions; e.g.

What do you want instead? The focus during therapy, however, tends to

be more about the original, underlying problem; e.g. What causes you to

avoid relationships? A therapist may decide that an in-depth assessment,

analysis and diagnosis of someones problem is appropriate before the indi-

vidual can progress. While self-awareness is also valuable in coaching,

coaching doesnt rely upon an in-depth level of self-analysis in order to

create results.

In summary, if a coach doesnt feel equipped to cope, they should refer the

individual to a relevant specialist. If a coach does want to work in one of the

above areas, then I would encourage them to seek the relevant training and

support to do that.

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INTRODUCTION

17

Chapter summary Introduction

Coaching has been around forever. In more recent years, weve devel-

oped it into a profession. This profession focuses on techniques and

methods that we understand make a difference to the results someone

else is getting. Coaching is now firmly established as a way of supporting

others in their quest to have what they really want, whether that is a

specific goal or simply a lifestyle they want to create. Learning to coach

others is both rewarding and fulfilling. And in a world where so many of

us face complex life circumstances and decisions, coaching has a valu-

able contribution to make.

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2Collaborative

coaching

chapter

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What does collaborative coaching mean?

This book is based on a collaborative style of coaching. By collaborative

coaching we mean that the coach and the person being coached (referred to

as the coachee) are working on creating changes together. As a collabora-

tive coach, you do not fix someone, solve problems for them or assume any

position of superiority or higher knowledge.

Instead, the coach adopts the principle that the person being coached prob-

ably knows more about their own situation than the coach does. The coach

believes in the ability of the individual to

create insights and ideas needed to move

their situation forward. The task of the coach

is to use advanced skills of listening, ques-

tioning and reflection to create highly effec-

tive conversations and experiences for the

individual.

For the person being coached, the relationship feels more like a partnership

of equals, rather than anything parental or advisory.

Non-directive versus directive language

A collaborative coachs language is likely to be non-directive, as opposed to

directive, as illustrated in Figure 2.1. In conversation, the two styles are

demonstrated in Table 2.1.

A coach (or manager) with a purely directive style of language assumes

authority and superior knowledge in a situation. Instructions are given that

THE COACHING MANUAL

20

The task of the coach is to

use advanced skills of

listening, questioning and

reflection to create highly

effective conversations and

experiences for the

individual.

Directive Non-directive

I know how I tell you You follow instruction

You know how I ask you You decide

Figure 2.1 Non-directive versus directive

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the individual is expected to follow. Put simply, to the coachee this feels

more like being told to do something or being given advice.

In addition, a directive coach will maintain responsibility for coming up

with most of the ideas and actions within the conversation. This coach isnt

so much working with the coachee, as working on the coachee. This style

might sound like:

COLLABORATIVE COACHING

21

Table 2.1 Directive and non-directive language

Directive language Non-directive language

Tell me exactly what you did. Could you say a little moreabout that?

No the answer youre looking Help me understand how you for is three. worked your answer out.

Just be more open with me. I notice that you dont alwaysappear comfortable discussing

some things, and I was

wondering what caused that.

If you want to improve your What options do you have for social life, you need to join a club improving things socially?

or group.

I know, go and join one of those What would be your preferred singles groups on the internet option, do you think?

theyre really good.

Youre still procrastinating you Whats stopping you from should just do it. getting into action here?

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Directive conversation

COACH: So, you say youre procrastinating, what about?

COACHEE: Well, I guess youd call it administration, I mean generally. I

dont like paperwork, you know, filling forms out, sending stuff

off Ive a desk full of paper, its getting out of control.

COACH: Right so you want to get it back under control quickly dont you?

COACHEE: I guess I should.

COACH: Well theres a number of different ways you could do that, Id

suggest that initially you sit down and make a list of exactly

what needs to be done, and make really firm commitments

about when you intend to do them. I can help with that.

COACHEE: (hesitates) Oka-ay . . .

You will notice from the dialogue that most of the talking is coming from the

coach, who is clearly in control of the conversation. The ideas or solutions

are also coming from the coach, and the coachee is expected to comply.

A collaborative style accepts that an individual often has their own answers

and simply needs support for their own learning process.

For example, someone who constantly procrastinates or delays important

tasks usually knows enough about themselves and their tendencies to be

able to create improvement. Collaborative coaches will focus the individ-

ual/coachee on the relevant areas of their situation in order to surface ideas

or insights needed to create progress. This style might sound like:

Non-directive conversation

COACH: What kind of things are you procrastinating about?

COACHEE: Well, I guess youd call it administration, I mean generally. I

dont like paperwork, you know, filling forms out, sending stuff

off Ive a desk full of paper, its getting out of control

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COACH: What kind of problems does this cause you?

COACHEE: All sorts, from minor embarrassments when I have to

apologize, to real dilemmas. I once had three credit cards in a

row refused simply because Id not sent off the payments, I

was left standing in Rome airport with no way to pay for my

return flight home.

COACH: How else does not dealing with this stuff affect you?

COACHEE: Well, to be honest, it makes me feel a bit of a mess. I mean, an

adult who cant even send off a form when I said I would, and

then have to request another because Ive lost the original I

make myself look pretty stupid.

COACH: OK, weve talked a bit about consequences; lets look in a

different direction what stops you from getting this stuff done?

COACHEE: You know I could say I dont have time, but I dont think thats

strictly true. I think its more to do with the fact that I just

begrudge doing it.

COACH: What is it about the paperwork that you dont like?

COACHEE: Its like being controlled, like someone else is making me do

homework or something, when Id rather be doing something

else.

COACH: Thats interesting isnt it? Is that true?

COACHEE: Well no, of course not, in actual fact, the reverse is probably

true. If I got this stuff cleared Id probably feel a whole lot freer

and 10 pounds lighter I could go and do whatever I wanted

with a clear conscience.

Notice the coachee coming to their own learning, gaining their own insights

and new perspectives on the situation. Also notice that the coach influences

the focus and attention of the coachee, without telling them what to think.

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In practice, an individual will feel like theyve surfaced their own answers

by exploring their own thoughts and ideas in a focused way.

Directive language advantages

Its important to acknowledge that a directive style has its uses and can be

whats needed. An example might be the case of basic skill transfer. If I can

work a food blender and you cant, you might not respond well to me

exploring your thoughts or feelings about that. You simply want to know

what button on the blender does what and in what order.

Where an individual has little or no knowledge of a desired skill and simply

needs to acquire basic knowledge quickly, directive language can work

best. For the individual, this looks and feels more like instruction than

coaching.

Within personal coaching, adopting a more directive style may sometimes

be appropriate. For example, a simple piece of direct feedback may be more

powerful for an individual than lots of indirect observations. Consider an

individual who constantly goes off at tangents in conversation, appearing

unwilling to focus on the topic they say they want to work on.

Examples of direct responses or requests might include:

I notice that you often switch subjects, Jack, and I really need you to stay

focused on our original topic of how youre feeling about this.

Jack, what he thinks isnt so important to me simply tell me more about

what you think.

Obviously for the above responses to be fully effective, the coachs relation-

ship with Jack must be based on trust and mutual respect. Jack is then more

likely to view the above responses as helpful, rather than aggressive.

Directive language disadvantages

Within coaching, directive styles have many disadvantages, namely:

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The coachee may feel dominated or controlled, as the coach assumes a

position of knowing better.

The coach assumes they have the best answers for the individual and

they often dont.

The focus is mostly on the thoughts of the coach which reduces the

ability of the coachee to deepen their own learning in the conversation.

The coach can experience unhealthy pressure in the conversation to

know everything and be able to fix everything.

The coachs focus is on I must find the right answer instead of how

can the coachee find their answer? this can result in valuable

information or clues being overlooked.

The coach needs buy-in, or engagement, from the coachee, for the

suggestions they make. When they havent got this, this becomes

frustrating for both parties and little progress is made.

The solutions from the coach might not have relevance for the coachee,

who may choose to view them as meaningless advice.

If the coachee has a tendency to avoid responsibility generally, they

might actually enjoy the coach being in control the coachs directive

style reinforces this.

Non-directive language advantages

By creating learning for the individual from the individual, we experience

the following benefits:

The coachee experiences being truly listened to and appreciates the

effort the coach makes to understand them.

The relationship is based on equality, encouraging openness and trust.

The coach is not claiming to have all the answers and the coachee feels

their contribution is worthwhile.

Insights, perspectives and ideas are highly relevant to the coachee and

they relate to them with both ownership and responsibility.

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As most ideas and actions come from the coachee, so does the

responsibility for their action and results.

Solutions are developed from the understanding of the person

experiencing the situation, so they are normally of much higher

relevance and effectiveness.

Thoughts and ideas provoke ongoing learning in the mind of the

coachee. As if the conversation is a pebble being thrown into a pond,

questions are the catalyst that begins a reaction. The ripples of a

coaching conversation often reach beyond the actual conversation itself.

If an idea doesnt get the result the coachee wanted, the coachee still

feels ownership of the idea and so will be more willing to persist and

get a better result.

Non-directive language disadvantages

Adopting this style of language demands an advanced level of skill on

the part of the coach. Sentence structures and questions are designed to

influence and not control (more of this topic will be covered later).

Until the coachee experiences the benefits of this style of conversation

for themselves, they may initially become frustrated with not having

the coach direct the conversation, or give them answers.

The coach has much less control over what occurs during the

conversation, and this can sometimes cause discomfort for both parties.

The coach must be able to distinguish blatant digressions from valid

topics of conversation. For example, when discussing your health, its

probably relevant for you to talk more about your food than the

restaurants you go to but not always.

Conversations sometimes take longer, as the coach explores the

thoughts and experiences of the coachee at the speed that the coachee is

comfortable with.

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Attributes of a good coach

Whether you want to develop your coaching skills further, or are thinking

of using the services of a coach, you need to know how to spot those who

are good and those who are not so good. Table 2.2 begins to give us an idea

of what were looking for:

COLLABORATIVE COACHING

27

Table 2.2 Attributes of a great versus not so great coach

Great coach Not so great coach

Is open/honest, e.g. Look, I think May withhold thoughts or

this isnt working, is it can we information, e.g. thinks: I think

look at why? thats a crazy idea but I dont want

to appear unsupportive.

Makes someone feel listened to, Makes someone feel weird or

valued and understood. Coachees strange, e.g. Hmm, youre a bit of

feel buoyant, positive and an unusual case, really, arent you?

optimistic following sessions.

Helps someone tap into their own Works hard to find the answers or

inspiration, by questioning, solutions to the coachees situation

listening, or simply using silence. themselves, leaving the coachee

feeling redundant or stifled.

Makes the coaching conversation Labours to keep the conversation

seem effortless, i.e. maintains the going or talks too much, or simply

conversation using appropriate tries too hard.

responses to the coachee.

Focuses instinctively on the key Misses or disregards key

parts of a conversation, e.g. Can information, perhaps wanting to

we just stop and go back a little? press on with the intention of

getting a result.

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28

Great coach Not so great coach

Remains impartial and objective Introduces judgement or prejudice

throughout, e.g. I can see why you into the coaching conversation, e.g.

might think that, and Im also I agree, she obviously wanted to

interested to look at other causes teach you a lesson youre right to

of your friends behaviour. be angry.

Gently probes into a situation Assumes they understand what the

effectively, gaining all the relevant coachee means, perhaps to keep

facts, e.g. What specifically is it the conversation moving, e.g. Yes, I

about winter-time that you dont hate winter, its the dark nights isnt

enjoy? it?

Builds a sense of relatedness or Causes the coachee to remain

rapport with the coachee, in order guarded, or tense throughout the

to create openness and trust. conversation, e.g. feeling that they

have nothing in common.

Supports someone to achieve more Makes little difference to the

than they would normally, i.e. ongoing performance or results of

without focused coaching support. an individual.

Is able to clarify the thoughts and Leaves key thoughts or objectives

goals of the coachee, e.g. What vague or unclear in the mind of the

specifically does more money coachee, e.g. OK, so you want more

mean, and what is it about that that money, lets look at how were going

you really want? to get you that.

Is encouraging and challenging, Creates either a lack of

whilst realistic about situations, encouragement and challenge, or

e.g. Two weeks to make all the undue pressure, e.g. Aww, come

calls would be great, Im just on, how long does it take to make a

wondering what would happen if few calls? you could have those

you got that done in a week done by tomorrow if you actually

instead what would that feel like? tried.

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COLLABORATIVE COACHING

29

Great coach Not so great coach

Holds someone to account, in order Allows themselves to be fobbed off

to create a constant focus on the or sidetracked from issues of

coachees objectives, e.g. OK, broken commitment, perhaps in

again you said by the time we next order to maintain rapport. For

met youd have had the salary example, Well, thats OK, youre

conversation with your manager really busy, can you do it when

lets look at whats stopping you things calm down a bit?

from having it.

Is happier to achieve lasting results Feels like theyve failed if they dont

over time, than fast results that see immediate results from the

dont last. coaching.

Uses words and phrases that Uses words clumsily and causes the

influence the individual positively, coachee to feel negative or

e.g. So imagine yourself speaking uncomfortable, e.g. Yes, your lack

to an audience and this time you of confidence does seem to be a

really enjoyed it what would that problem.

feel like?

Places real importance on the Mixes considerations about the

coachees comfort and well-being coachee with other priorities, e.g.

during the session, e.g. Look, this leaves their mobile phone switched

has been fairly intense do you on during a session.

need a break, can I get you a

coffee?

Leads by example, e.g. shows up Displays double standards, e.g.

on time, calls when they said they shows up late, uses weak excuses,

would, keeps any commitments isnt prepared for the session, etc.

made, or makes amends when

they dont.

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Now thats obviously not an exhaustive list,

although it does give you an idea of how a

good coach can be distinguished from one

who isnt so good. A great coach is able to

make the process of coaching look almost effortless.

To summarise, the attributes of a good coach can be highlighted in three key

areas:

Principles or beliefs a coach operates from, e.g. we are equal in this

conversation, or I need to understand first.

What a coach is able to do their skills and knowledge.

What a coach actually does, i.e. their actual behaviour.

From the outside, a great coach is able to make the process of coaching look

almost effortless, like an easy, natural conversation. Partly thats because

they are comfortable during the coaching process, but mostly its because

theyve learned to coach.

THE COACHING MANUAL

30

A great coach is able to

make the process of

coaching look almost

effortless.

Chapter summary Collaborative coaching

Collaborative coaching is a wonderful coaching style because of its sup-

portive, less directive approach. While directive styles can be effective,

they demand a coach to be very confident about both the coaching

relationship and also their own expertise and knowledge. In collabora-

tive coaching, the coachee is encouraged to surface thoughts, insights

and ideas, which they often experience as incredibly liberating. For any

coach, to be a less directive coach is challenging and highly skilful when

done effectively. For the individual being coached, it is often a profound

experience that can literally change their life.

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3Coaching principles

or beliefs

chapter

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Operating principles for coaches

There are certain principles of perspective and belief that support collabora-

tive coaching. A room may be full of fabulous coaches who all look differ-

ent, sound different and appear different. However, when they coach, they

are operating from a set of common beliefs. For example, they all believe in

the power of coaching and they all believe that they can coach. These

assumptions and beliefs are what help define effective coaching. The coach-

ing beliefs well cover in this chapter are:

I will maintain my commitment to support the individual.

My coaching relationships are built upon truth, openness and trust.

The coachee is responsible for the results they are creating.

The coachee is capable of much better results than they are currently

generating.

I will maintain focus on what the coachee thinks and experiences.

I know that coachees can generate perfect solutions.

My coaching conversations are based on equality.

Onceweve identifiedthiscommonsetofbeliefs, theyserveasprincipleswecan

operate from to achieve effectiveness over time. By reflecting on them and com-

paring them with our own behaviours and approach, we can often spot oppor-

tunities to improve. When sometimes our coaching isnt successful, they can

help us to understand why. Perhaps a coachee seems to be happy to spend the

wholecoachingsessioncomplainingabouthissituationatwork.Inaddition, the

coachee refuses to consider potential solutions or what they might be doing to

make things better. The coach tries in vain to help the coachee feel more positive

about the situation and get into action to sort things out. Then, by reflecting on

the following principles, the coach is reminded to coach from the assumption

that the coachee is responsible for their circumstances and actions. It may be that

the coach became so frustrated with the whole situation that they forgot to focus

onthatsimpleprinciple.Sometimesissueswithincoachingcanappearcomplex,

when really a simple approach solves the mightiest of problems.

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Some of the key principles occur as rules of behaviour, while others appear

as perspectives of what the coach is there to do, or not do. Where a coach is

consistently able to adopt these principles, this will improve their ability to

coach effectively over time.

Maintain a commitment to support the individual

A good coach must want to coach the individual and remain committed to

the coaching relationship. They must maintain a supportive attitude

towards the coachee, or consider withdrawing from the assignment.

At thebeginningof thecoachingrelationship, thisappears fairlyeasy.Thecoach

is probably thinking more about how to make the assignment successful than

whether they do or do not want to help the coachee with their situation. As time

moves on, the coach may experience factors that encourage them to withdraw

their support. This withdrawal may or may not be something the coach is aware

of. For example, simple fatigue with the coaching conversations or even the

coachee themselves may creep in. Maybe the coaching process feels laboured,

and is showing little sign of progress; the coach might start to withdraw their

commitment, even without knowing it. For the coach, this may feel like a kind of

resignation or boredom. Its important that coaches are self-managing in this

instance.Theymustregularlyevaluatewheretheyareintheircoachingrelation-

ships and identify any negative thoughts or beliefs about these relationships.

If that sounds like analysing analysis, it neednt be. When Im coaching, I

like to have a couple of minutes preparation before the coachee arrives. In

that time, Ill read through my notes from previous sessions, reflect on what

the individuals goals are, and remind myself how Im contributing to that.

It gets me into the mental mode of supporting the individual, regardless of

how challenging the session might be.

Coaching from non-judgement

On a tougher note, the coach may decide that they do not actually like the

person they are coaching very much! Remember, as humans, we have a

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natural tendency to judge others. We compare how someone else looks,

thinks or acts, with how we do. We might approve or disapprove of other

people because of their hair, clothes, appearance, the words they use, their

tone of voice, etc.

What if a coach disapproves of the person they are coaching? What if they

hear of behaviour that they think is bad or wrong? A coach might hear of

lying, cruelty and infidelity any of which might encourage them to judge

the individual as wrong in some way.

Lets not debate whether any of those behaviours are wrong or right. As

a coach, any disapproval impairs the ability to facilitate the process of a

coaching conversation. In addition, the coachs disapproval usually commu-

nicates itself to the coachee even if they dont voice it directly.

For example, imagine that a coach is working with an individual who

reminds them very strongly of a domineering ex-partner. This coachee says

something like You see, I have certain standards I will always live by and

the coach remembers thats exactly what their ex-partner used to say! Before

long, the coach is comparing them to their ex-partner, and beginning to dis-

like them intensely.

The coach begins to have internal thoughts or dialogue about what the

coachee is saying, e.g. Ooh thats just what they used to do or, You must

be difficult to live with. Its like trying to watch TV with the radio on; your

internal dialogue blocks your ability to listen fully.

Where we do not see someone objectively, with an open mind, we are less

likely to begin to understand them. This lack of understanding has a direct

impact on our ability to relate to the individual and how things are for them.

At the same time, weve diminished rapport and so reduced our ability to

influence the other person.

The other person is likely to sense the coachs disapproval of them, possibly

from facial expression, tonality, gestures or simply the phrases the coach is

using, e.g. So why did you do that? As the coachee recognizes disapproval,

they become more guarded in their responses.

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Once a coach starts to see the coachee as flawed in some way, they begin

to adopt the role of fixer. For example, making suggestions like Dont you

think you should have apologized for that? Again, the coachee is likely to

sense disapproval, and perhaps feel defensive or detached.

Where a coachs ability to relate to and understand someone is key to their

success, judgement becomes a real stumbling block. Instead the coach must

work at simply observing the coachee objectively without judgement.

When a coach maintains a more neutral, open posture, they can gather

much clearer information and so gain more relevant insights into the situ-

ation. A coachs own thoughts will be clearer, and they may even feel

calmer, as they gradually begin to appreciate how it is for the person theyre

coaching. They arent thinking things they cant voice, and generally their

mind remains quieter during the conversation.

A coachs role is not to judge or disapprove of the way the coachee treats

other people, or indeed how they live their life. A coachs role is simply to

make clear links between the behaviours of the individual and the results

they are getting. For example, the coachee might have aspirations of pro-

motion at work and knows his lack of progress is strongly linked to the

lack of support he is getting from his peer

group. He discusses several confrontations

with these colleagues and describes cruel

things hes said, to get back at or hurt

people.

Its a very simple link for the coach to make between the persons goals and

his current behaviour. However, if the coach spends energy on convincing

the coachee that his behaviour towards others is wrong in some way, the

individual may easily reject the suggestion. Far more straightforward and

motivating for the individual is to highlight the fact that his behaviour

simply doesnt work and has a direct impact on his goals. We then have the

opportunity to discuss more positive behaviours that will benefit him and

his colleagues.

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37

A coachs role is not to

judge or disapprove of the

way the coachee treats

other people, or indeed

how they live their life.

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What does non-judgement feel like for a coach?

Well, put simply, to be in non-judgement feels like nothing, because theres

nothing going on! The coach is not having internal dialogue along the lines

of Thats awful, cruel, dumb, etc. The coach is not frowning with disap-

proval, shaking their head or making little tutting noises. Instead, they are

really listening and staying with the flow of the conversation.

Hopefully, judgement is replaced by a pervading sense of curiosity, towards

what is being said and what the individual is experiencing. The coachs

overriding sense of purpose is to seek to understand whats really happen-

ing, and whats relevant or important about that, given the goals of the

coachee.

How do we let go of judgement?

Unless youve spent years gaining the enlightenment of a Buddhist master,

I think youre going to have to accept a lifelong journey with this one. You

will judge others, but the trick is to notice that youre doing that, and give it

up whenever you catch yourself doing so.

The following exercise will help you practise.

Coachs toolkit Meditation for non-judgement

What is this? A way of practising letting go of judgements we

make about others and allowing our minds to

clear.

When might I use it? Whenever you can observe someone else. For

example:

Someone making a speech or presentation.

Someone whos talking to someone else.

Someone involved in a group discussion, e.g. a

business meeting.

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Why would I do this? To develop a more objective view of someone

elses situation.

To help you relate to someone else more

closely, e.g. when coaching someone else.

To create a stiller, clearer mind when listening.

Stage one become aware

1 Find someone whos appropriate for you to observe. You will be in the

same room or setting as they are and be able to see and hear them

clearly. Ideally, you are able to observe them without being interrupted,

e.g. by having to speak or join a discussion. Have a notepad and pen

ready in case you want to take notes.

2 Remain relaxed and focused. Let your breathing be steady and your

posture relaxed yet upright. Begin to watch or take notice of the other

person.

3 As you watch the person youre studying, begin to notice your own

thoughts. What are you thinking or saying to yourself? Just notice, thats

all. For example:

I agree/disagree?

I like/dont like?

Ive heard this before.

He/she reminds me of . . .

Notice your own thoughts with detachment, almost as if they werent

yours, as though you are observing yourself observing.

Stage two let go of your own thoughts

4 As you notice your thoughts, let them go. Acknowledge a thought, then

let it pass. Like a stick floating down a stream, allow it to be there, then

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let it go again. If it helps, write down any thoughts as you notice them

and then allow them to pass.

Stage three use intention to guide your attention

5 Use one or two of the following to guide and refocus your thoughts:

What is this person saying?

How does this person feel about this?

What is important to this person?

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40

Toolkit summary Meditation for non-judgement

This exercise isnt easy! However, the potential benefits are worth the

effort. If youre finding it difficult to do steps one to three all in one go,

perhaps just do the first one for a while. When that becomes easier, add

the second step. Finally, when youve mastered steps one and two, then

add step three.

The key is to develop an awareness and detachment of our own

thoughts and judgements. Its called a meditation because it follows the

simple principles of basic meditations, i.e. observing our own thoughts

and allowing them to pass. Another way of developing this detachment

would be simply to practise meditation.

Once we allow ourselves to detach from our own thoughts or

judgements about another person, we can stop those thoughts getting

in the way of something else we want to do, e.g. listening to the client.

Build the coaching relationship on truth,openness and trust

When you step into a coaching relationship, you seek to serve honestly the

individual you are coaching. This is worth mentioning, as our integrity in

this issue can be so easily corrupted.

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One easy trap to fall into can occur when the person requesting and paying

for your services isnt the person getting the coaching. This often happens in

business, where a more senior individual has requested coaching for a col-

league. Ill tell you about Scott as an example.

COACHING PRINCIPLES OR BELIEFS

41

Coachs story A question of loyalty

True story names changed! Scotts manager, Gary, asked me to give

Scott a series of coaching sessions. Gary felt that Scott needed to deli-

ver faster results and develop better relationships at work. Gary seemed

pretty frustrated with Scott.

So here I have a set of coaching objectives already decided for someone

who may, or may not, want coaching. From the outset it was important

to let Scott, the coachee, know exactly what had been his managers

thinking that led to my involvement. Working with his manager, we dis-

cussed the specific areas of improvement that were the goals of the

coaching activity and what the coaching would involve. We agreed that

the coaching was a form of support that Scott could either accept or

refuse at any point during the process.

We also spent time deciding how coaching might be an opportunity that

Scott could benefit from and added his own objectives into the coaching.

I explained what kind of updates Id be giving his manager and assured

Scott that the specific content of conversations would be disclosed to no

one.

With Gary, the person paying my bill, I agreed that while I was happy to

discuss general areas of discussion and progress, I would disclose

nothing of the actual content of my conversations with Scott. We also

agreed that if Gary wanted any more information, hed ask Scott directly.

During coaching conversations, Scott welcomed the chance to discuss

his situation. In short, Scott was questioning his desire to stay with the

organization, and especially doubted his ability to build teams.

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My focus during those conversations had to be to first establish what

was best for Scott, and then work out how that related to his manager

and the company he was working for. We worked through several differ-

ent scenarios, including him leaving or applying internally for other pos-

itions.

If that sounds disloyal to my client (Gary), let me stress that this is the

only principle we can effectively coach someone from. Had I tried to

influence Scott to stay, or to take on more of the responsibilities that his

manager wanted him to, I would have immediately corrupted the

relationship between him and myself.

There was also the question of maintaining integrity between the spon-

sor, Gary, and myself. From the outset, I made it clear how coaching

works and the ground rules of the coaching activity. Most sponsors

accept that they wont be party to the content of conversations. A coach

must simply agree with a sponsor on how theyll be updated and then let

the coachee know that will be happening.

One option for sharing the content of coaching discussions is for the

coach to encourage regular conversations between the sponsor and the

coachee. This often builds openness and therefore trust between them,

which benefits their working relationship.

As a simple rule, never say anything about

your coachee or client that you would not

want them to hear about afterwards.

In case youre wondering about what hap-

pened to Scott, well, he decided to stay and

make more of the opportunities that were right in front of him. Time

spent on balancing the different options, plus the potential pitfalls or

benefits, enabled him to reach this decision.

By helping him to appreciate that he always had options, he was able to

let go of the trapped feelings he had due to the pressures placed upon

As a simple rule, never

say anything about your

coachee or client that you

would not want them to

hear about afterwards.

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Testing questions Rating openness and honesty

Think of a relationship. Ask yourself these questions to help you

understand levels of openness and honesty in that relationship. This is

especially useful if you can use an existing coaching relationship.

How comfortable are you in this persons company?

How freely expressive are you when youre with this person?

Do you ever avoid talking about a subject or situation with this person?

Do you feel the other person ever avoids talking about certain things

with you?

Did you ever hide the truth from this person? (Also known as a lie.)

Have you ever said anything about this person that you wouldnt want

them to hear?

The coachee is responsible for the results theyare generating

If we acknowledge that we are responsible for something, it follows that we

have power and influence over it. For example, if I acknowledge that I am

responsible for how good a job I have, then its up to me to do something

about it if Im not happy. So we coach from the principle that an individual

is ultimately responsible for their lives and

the results theyre getting. That includes

their job, relationships theyve chosen,

where theyre living, etc.

Q

Q

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COACHING PRINCIPLES OR BELIEFS

43

him by his manager. Through the process of discussion, Scott could hear

that Garys expectations for him sounded more like encouragement than

pressure. Ill add that without the coaching that might not have hap-

pened. Lifes not always quite so lovely and I try to be grateful when it is.

An individual is ultimately

responsible for their lives

and the results theyre

getting.

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In coaching, this sense of an individuals personal responsibility is key if we

are to empower them to act powerfully and positively in their situations. It

is useful to break the word responsibility into two halves, as it literally

becomes response and ability in other words, the ability to respond.

Victim postures

The opposite of this responsible, powerful posture is victim posture. People

who adopt a victim-like posture act as though life were something that hap-

pens to them and they can do little or nothing to influence it. In their lan-

guage and behaviours it might show up as statements like Well, what can I

do about it?, or This seems to keep happening to me, or Its pointless,

theres nothing I can do about things anyway.

As a consequence of their diminished sense of responsibility, people with a

victim-like posture in a situation may also tend to blame others. For

example, My partner stops me from leading my life as I really want to, or

My life hasnt worked out because of my childhood, or Its not fair.

From a coaching perspective, a victim-like posture will impair the coachees

ability to imagine that they have real influence over how their lives are

going and the results they are experiencing. Coachees acting as a victim will

perceive far fewer possibilities for themselves in a difficult situation. They

may see no way out of situations and no point in attempting to find one.

Sometimes issues you will be discussing in a coaching conversation can be

emotive, and the principle that we are responsible for how our lives are

going is not easy for some people to accept. For example, where someone

comes from a violent background, has money problems and has just been

fired, its difficult to encourage them to take a responsible view of their cur-

rent situation.

As a coach, its important to remember that its a principle were using and

not necessarily true. But to readily blame others for how our lives have

turned out doesnt tend to make us feel very powerful. Instead, we feel like

victims at the mercy of the twists and turns of life.

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When we adopt a perspective of responsibility for our situations, we

immediately feel like we have some power and influence over them. In the

example of redundancy, this type of situation often forms a crossroads for

people. Some people prosper from redundancy, choosing positive actions,

which cause the apparent cloud to have a silver lining. Such responses

might include changing careers, going out and finding a better job, return-

ing to education, etc.

Other people arent quite as resourceful in their response to redundancy,

spending time blaming others, or arguing that theres not much they can

actually do. A person who adopts a responsible approach to the situation is

immediately more powerful than one with a victim-like stance.

Responsibility is not blame

It is important to be clear that responsibility is not the same as blame.

Blame implies that someone has done something wrong and should poss-

ibly suffer as a result. Blame is also associated with shame, guilt and suffer-

ing. Responsibility, however, is simply about acknowledging our own influ-

ence in situations. As a coach you must create a clear distinction between the

two.

If a coachee takes on blame instead of responsibility, this does little to create

a sense of personal power. More often, they are likely to feel worse about

something, e.g. worthless or bad. Where someone has a tendency to adopt a

martyr-like posture to situations, this really doesnt help.

A martyr-like posture would tend towards feeling bad or burdened. For

example, Oh thats typical of me Im just useless, or I always end up

doing something like this, I suppose thats just my lot in life, and I just have

to put up with it.

Watch for the victim and martyr language in the following example:

COACH: Perhaps tell me a little more about what happened in your

relationship.

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COACHEE: Well, basically, they dumped me with no warning. Things

seemed absolutely fine when Wham! I get a note on the

kitchen table. No sorry, no nothing.

COACH: I guess you must have felt pretty bad at that point.

COACHEE: Tell me about it I feel terrible! Im not sleeping, not eating

what am I supposed to do now?

COACH: What do you think went wrong?

COACHEE: Who knows? It seemed like one minute I was living with

someone and the next minute theyve upped and gone. I

wouldnt care; this is the third time this has happened to me.

Lifes just dealing me a pretty bad hand as usual.

You will notice from the dialogue that the coachee feels that this is simply

something thats happened to them and that they are the victim in the sce-

nario.

As coach, it may sometimes be appropriate to ask your coachee to adopt a

more powerful posture, by trying on this principle of responsibility with

you, i.e. acting as if it were true. Then examine a situation from this perspec-

tive, to discover new insights or learning:

COACH: If you were to adopt a perspective of responsibility for what

happened in the relationship, what might you