The Climate of a Healthy Relationship Part 2 - Respect

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November 16, 2003

The Climate of Healthy RelationshipsPart 2: Respect

Introduction: Everyone wants to be respectedand should be!Leviticus 19:3 __________________ Leviticus 19:32 __________________

Romans 13:7 ___________________ 1 Thessalonians 5:12 ______________

1 Peter 3:15 ____________________ Ephesians 5:33 __________________

1 Peter 3:7 _____________________ 1 Peter 2:17 _____________________

1. Show respect to everyone! Why?

A. Because ____________________________________________ everyone.Genesis 1:27, Psalm 8, Ephesians 2:10

B. Because _____________________________________________ everyone.

John 15:13

C. Because everyone _____________________________________________.

D. Because ____________________________________________________.

Luke 6:37-38, Galatians 6:7

2. How to show respect.

A. By _________________________________________________________.

Ephesians 4:29, 5:25-27, John 15:3, Proverbs 10:11, 21, 11:9, 12:18, 18:21

B. By _________________________________________________________.

C. By _________________________________________________________.


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For Life Group Discussion: Who do you struggle to respect? What will you do

differently this week with them?

November 16, 2003

The Climate of Healthy RelationshipsPart 1: Respect

Opening: Respect, by Aretha FranklinR-E-S-P-E-C-T! Thats what were talking about today! How many of you

want to be respected? Everyone wants to be respectedand should be! This is parttwo of our series, The Climate of Healthy Relationships. Every living thing needsthe right climate to grow and thrive, and thats true of our relationships. Were

looking at five essential elements that create an environment in which relationshipsthrive. Today, were going to talk about how to make respect part of the climate ofyour relationshipshow to show respect to others.

Baby dedications.

Offering and announcements:

Speaking of respect, today we want to honor Paul Brown! We are celebratingPauls 10th anniversary on our staff. Paul leads our adult ministry team (I believethere are five staff people who are your direct reportsMichael, Kathy, Randy,

Debby and Desiree). Pauls team carries the flag for Life Groupsthats their bigdeal. Andthey are responsible for mens and womens groups, marriage and familyministry, adult education opportunities, pastoral care ministries, recovery groups, andwe just added community outreach to their basket (more about that later). Besides allthat, Paul is one of our teaching pastorsmany of you have heard him speak here.And he is a member of our Leadership Team, the group that meets with me regularlyto help strategize the progress of our church.

In the past ten years, Pauls job description has changed as the church hasgrown. Hes proven to be a flexible leader, able to step in and do whats needed.

Often in a pinch, Ill ask Paul to handle something on short notice, or represent me,and he always does it well.Let me tell you another thing I appreciate about Paul: he is very smart. Most

of you wont know this, but in the last couple years, Paul earned a masters degree inorganizational leadership. Paul does some work on the side as a consultant to pastorsof others churches. Paul is a very creative and insightful thinker who adds a lot toour teamhes part of my brain trust.


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So we want to say thanks to Paul for 10 years of service to our church.

We have about six weeks left in this calendar year, and we are significantlybehind budget. I think we missed budget last month by almost $40,000, and weredown about $180,000 for the calendar year. We have six weeks to make that up.

If this is your church, we need you to give regularly. The Bible teaches abouttithes and offerings. The tithe is the first 10% of your income and the Bible says it

belongs to God. If you dont give it back to Him, you are robbing God. An offeringis whatever you want to give above and beyond that first 10%. In the Bible Goddares us to trust Him. He says, Test me in thisgive the tithe and offeringandsee if I wont pour out more blessing than you can hold. I believe God expectsevery Christian to give a tithe and offering, and promises to bless us when we obey.

I also want you to know that we as a church give away almost 20% ofeverything that comes in our offerings. And we do that every month, whether we are

ahead of budget or behind budget, because we believe that were supposed to begenerous.

So, lets step it up folks. We need you to give faithfully. If you are not giving,dont look around and think, Theyre doing alright without my offering. You needto give; we need you to give faithfully. And beyond our budget, to build this new

building, we need you to give sacrificially, above and beyond to reach more people.

Sketch: Late Night Words

Introduction:

How many of you have lived through an encounter like that? Jonathan wantedhis privacy to be respected; mom and dad wanted their wishes to be respected.Everyone wants to be respected! When we feel disrespected, de-valued, dishonored,relationships crumble. On the other hand, when there is mutual respect, arelationship will be healthy.

When we talk about respect, some of you might think of Rodney Dangerfield,whose famous line is..."I get no respect."

ILL: "I get no respect from my dog. The other day, the dog went to the doorand started to bark. I went over and opened it. The dog didn't want to go out;

he wanted me to leave." That's no respect!Everyone wants to be respected. Everyone wants to feel valued and esteemed.Everyone wants to be considered important, be highly regarded. It is a universaldesire. And everyone hurts inside when they are treated disrespectfully. In fact, wewant to distance ourselves from people who treat us disrespectfully.

ILL: I have a friend, who a few years ago, seemed to be on a mission to cutme down. Every time we were together, he found things to make fun of,


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things he could ridicule and laugh at. I left each encounter feelingdisrespected. Finally one day I told Laina, Thats it. Ive had enough. Imgoing to stay away from that guy. I wont be mean or discourteous, but Im

just going to avoid him. And I did.You know, if every time I saw you, you slapped me in the face, I would ask you tostop. If you didnt, Id stay away from you! Disrespect is a slap in the face. Its nofun. And when it happens regularly, relationships die. We disengage. We pull backfor safety sake. Everyone wants to be respected.

What does the Bible say about respect? The Bible commands us to respect abroad range of people.

Leviticus 19:3 "'Each of you must respect his mother and father. Respect yourparents. Respect starts at home. There are no perfect parents; God knew that whenHe wrote this. But there are no perfect children either. In fact, there are no perfect

people; well have to respect each other in spite of our imperfectionsand were

going to talk about how to do that. God expects us to respect our imperfect parentsanyway. How many of you live with your parents? If you can apply what Imtalking about today to your relationship with your parents, its going to make yourlife so much better. Ephesians 6:1-3 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, forthis is right. _2_ Honor your father and motherwhich is the firstcommandment with a promise _3_ that it may go well with you and that youmay enjoy long life on the earth. Would you like your life to go well and belong? Honor your parents!

Leviticus 19:32 Rise in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderlyand revere your God. I am the LORD. Respect the elderly. How many of you weretaught when you were young, Respect your elders?

ILL: Sheryl Tedder is a children's pastor in Omaha, Nebraska. One of herfourth-grade Sunday school teachers told her about teaching a lesson on theTen Commandments. He had asked the kids, "What is the hardestCommandment for you to keep?" to which most of them responded, "Youshall not commit adultery." He couldn't understand why fourth graderswould find that command a problem until a mother quizzed her son on whathe thought committing adultery meant. Without blinking, the boy replied,"You shall not sass back to adults." Makes sense to a fourth grader!

Dont commit adultery: respect your elders!Romans 13:7 Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes;

if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. Respect civicleaders.

1 Thessalonians 5:12 Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who workhard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you. Respect

spiritual leaders.


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1 Peter 3:15 But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared togive an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that youhave. But do this with gentleness and respect. Respect pre-Christians. When youshare your faith, do it respectfully.

Ephesians 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loveshimself, and the wife must respect her husband. Wives, respect your husbands.

1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with yourwives, and treat them with respect...Husbands, respect your wives.

1 Peter 2:17 Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood ofbelievers, fear God, honor the king. Respect everyone.

So lets start here. We should show respect to everyone.

1. Show respect to everyone. Why?

A. Because God made everyone. The Bible says that God created us, thatevery human being was made in the image of God.

Genesis 1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God hecreated him; male and female he created them.

You bear the image of God, and that alone makes you worthy of respect. Psalm 8says that people are the crown of Gods creation.

Ephesians 2:10 For we are Gods workmanship, created in Christ Jesus todo good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

You are His workmanship, a masterpiece, His work of art. God made you with aplan and purpose in mind. Each person is a dream of God. He created each personfor a purpose. Because each person is a unique creation of God, each persondeserves to be treated with dignity and respect.

ILL: When you put a lot of time and effort into creating something, dontyou want it to be treated with respect?

If you work hard to prepare a beautiful meal, how do you feel ifpeople dis it?

If you work hard on a presentation at work, how do you feel if peopledis it?

If you work hard on a school assignment, how do you feel if people

dis it?We feel disrespected when people disrespect our work. Dont disrespect God bydisrespecting His creation. We should show respect to everyone because Godcreated them.

Isaiah 45:9 Woe to him who quarrels with his MakerDoes the clay sayto the potter, What are you making? Does your work say, He has nohands?


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When you respect a person whom God has made, you honor his Maker. When youdisrespect a person God has made, you disrespect God.

B. Because Jesus died for everyone. Another reason you should respecteveryone is because Jesus died for them. The Cross of Christ is the ultimate valuestatement on each human being. How much is that person worth? So much that Godwould give His only Son to die for them!

Does God respect you? Does God value you? Yes! He values youenormously. If you ever wonder if you are worth much to God, you need look nofarther than the Cross on which Jesus died. The Cross is God's value statement aboutyou. God loves you so much it hurt! You matter so much that He died for you. John15:13 "Greater love has no man than this: that a man lay down his life for his friends.And you are my friends." You matter to God; that is the message that brought Jesusto earth.

And if someone matters that much to God, they should matter to me. If thatperson is valued by God, they should be respected by me.

ILL: Im a very tolerant guy, but if you are disrespectful to my wife, Ill be inyour face. I dont tolerate that very well. Why? Because she meanseverything to me. Shes the most important person in the world to me. Iwould die for her. So dont treat her disrespectfully! How many of youhusbands feel that way about your wives?

So how do you think God feels when you are disrespectful towards someone forwhom Christ died?

We should respect everyone because Jesus died for them.

C. Because everyone deserves it. How many of you would say that respect isearned? I agree.

We may show people respect because they are created by God and valued byGod as shown by Jesus death on the Cross. But thats not a respect they earned.Thats a respect due them because of what God did. In that sense, its really a respectthat is due God. We respect God by respecting what He creates and values.

But there is another kind of respect that is earned. And I want to suggest thateveryone earns some. Now maybe you can think of an exceptionAdolph Hitler or

Gary Ridgeway or some other horrible personwho doesnt deserve any respect.But most of us arent dealing with monsters like thatjust ordinary people. And Ithink almost every person that I deal with deserves respectthat there are goodthings about that person that are worth respecting. All of us have difficult people inour livespeople who are hard to love, hard to respectEGRsExtra GraceRequired. But my experience has been that even those people have admirablequalities or behaviors that make them worthy of respect. I may have to look harder,


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but they are there!If you are struggling to respect someone, try this. Make a list of that persons

admirable qualities or traits or actions. Identify positive behaviors that you respect.Unless that person is Attila the Hun or Madame LeFarge, there are probably some

positive behaviors in person that you admire. Make a list. Take some time to writedown everything that person does that you enjoy or appreciate or admire. You may

be surprised at how many there are when you begin to add them all up! And thenbegin to express the admiration and respect that you feel about those things. We'lltalk about how to do that in just a moment.

Focus on the positive. Too often, we focus on the other persons deficienciesand failures; we need to focus on the positive and respect them for those things.Everyone deserves to be respected; everyone has some admirable quality or behaviorworthy of respect.

ILL: Gordon MacDonald tells this story.

A homeless man in New York City rebuked me one day. I found himgoing through a trashcan on the side of our Manhattan church building.Frankly, I was irritated, and I said, "Hey, when you're through with the can,

put it all back, and make sure the lid is on." I started to walk away."Just a minute," he called out. I turned to face him. He said, "I'll be

glad to do what you asked if you ask me respectfully."Respectfully! He had me. This man knew disrespect when he heard it.I sucked in my breath and said, "You're absolutely right, and I'm so

sorry. Sir, when you're finished, it would mean a lot to me if you wouldplease make sure the area is tidy."

"I'd be glad to," he responded. We shook hands.Everyone deserves to be treated with respect.

D. Because you get back what you give. This is the law of reciprocity, andits found many places in the Bible.

Luke 6:37-38 Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn,and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38Give,and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken togetherand running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you

use, it will be measured to you.Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reapswhat he sows.

This may sound selfish, but one reason why we ought to be respectful to everyone isthat it comes back to you. If you are disrespectful, youll be disrespected. If you arerespectful of others, theyll be respectful of you.

This principle of reciprocity means that if you want to create a climate of


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respect, you do it by showing respect to others. What you give will come back toyou. So lets talk about how to show respect.

2. How to show respect. Here are three very important ways to express respect.A. By words. The most common form of disrespect is the way we talk to each

other. Many people call each other degrading names, and use ugly tones of voicethat make the other person feel belittled and demeaned. Verbal put-downs are thestandard conversational diet in many struggling relationships. One of the mostcommon complaints I hear in marriages is that spouses don't talk to each otherrespectfully. It might have been funny when Archie and Edith did it on "All in theFamily", but I'll bet it's not so funny when it happens at your house!

Ephesians 4:29 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it maybenefit those who listen." We are to say things that build others up, meet their needs

and benefit them. Unwholesome talk or literally rotten talk tears others down. Andits not just the words themselves, but the tone of voice that can be rotten anddisrespectful.

Proverbs 18:21 "The tongue has the power of life and death..." With yourtongue you can slice someone to ribbons; you can destroy someone's self-esteem;you can cause their spirit to wither and die. Or with your tongue you can heal thehurting, refresh the weary, build up and encourage the disheartened, and makesomeone's self-esteem soar. Here are a few other proverbs about the life-giving

power of your words.Proverbs 10:11 "The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life..."Proverbs 10:21 "The lips of the righteous nourish many..."Proverbs 11:9 "With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor..."Proverbs 12:18 "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the

wise brings healing." The tongue has the power of life and death. Watch what yousay and how you say it.

I think that is why the apostle Paul in Ephesians 5:25-27 says "Husbands, loveyour wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy,cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her tohimself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy

and blameless." Christ cleanses us by washing us with His word. Husbands are tolove their wives in the same way. Husbands, your words ought to cleanse and refreshand heal your wife, not disrespect, degrade or humiliate her. Husbands, ask yourself,Is this what Jesus would say? Is this how Jesus would say it? Am I loving my wifewith my words like Jesus would?

John 15:3 Jesus said, "You are already clean by the word I have spoken toyou." Jesus words cleanse us. Jesus words make us holy, make us special. In the


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same way, we ought to speak words like Jesus did that heal and help people.One of the ways we show respect is by praise. When you praise someone, you

express how much you value, admire or esteem them. Its very powerful. Praisesomeone and watch them shine! Praise someone and watch them get even better!

ILL: I remember coming home from work one night and my daughter Amy,then 6, met me at the door saying, "Dad, I can read the Bible!" Guess what Idid? I had a fit! I had a cow! I went crazy! "You can read the Bible? That'sfabulous! Let me hear!" You should have seen her face glow!

She promised me that at bedtime, she would read the Bible to me. Sureenough, when I tucked her in, she opened her Bible to 1 John, and started atthe top of the page. She read from word to word with no heed for punctuationor meaning. Did I correct her? No way! I had another fit! "Amy, that'sincredible! You are a fabulous reader! I love it when you read the Bible!"

Guess what happened? While I was jogging first thing in the morning,

Amy would read her Bible with Laina. Then Sally joined her, and Andy!Guess what I would do when I got home? I had another fit! "I'm so proud ofyou kids, getting up in the morning and reading your Bibles! You arefabulous!" Their faces would shine with pride.

Whats rewarded gets done. Reward people with praise, with recognition, withrespect. We nag people and disrespect them for what we dont like, when we oughtto be rewarding them and respecting them for what we like. I'm convinced that youcan't get too much praise, so you can't give too much praise. Make a habit ofcatching people at succeeding and praise the dickens out of them! Seize everyopportunity to celebrate other people's successes and efforts. Be liberal with praise!

The first way you express respect is by words, both the content and the tone ofyour words.

B. By listening. The second way you express respect is by listening. Whenyou listen to someone, you are expressing respect. You are saying, "You matter tome. Your opinions and ideas matter to me."

ILL: I was in Los Angeles this week meeting with a group of pastors who allplant churches out of their churchwe are called parent church pastors. Ourdenomination invited us to come and give our ideas about how we can do it

better. One of the questions was, How can we reward parent churchpastors? You know what they said? By doing thisby listening to us. Byrespecting our ideas and input.

When someone listens to you, you feel respected. On the other hand, what do youfeel like when you talk to someone and they obviously are not paying attention?Disrespected. Devalued.

Listening is an art. Here are a few pointers.


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First, listen attentively. Look directly at the person to whom you are listening.Put down your book or paper or magazine, and look straight into their eyes. Turn offthe TV or computer and fix your gaze on your beloved. It is demeaning to talk to the

backside of a newspaper, or compete with a TV show for someones attention. Givethem your undivided attention. I know that many of you men are brilliant and can doseveral things at once. You multitask: you can watch TV, listen to the radio, read the

paper, tune up the car and talk to your wife all at once. You know that and I knowthat, but she doesn't know that, and she feels like you are not listening when you arenot looking at her.

Second, listen actively. Feed back. Say back to them what you hear the otherperson saying. That lets them know not only that you are listening, but that you trulywant to understand what they are saying.

Third, listen sympathetically. Try to understand the feelings behind the words.Learn to hear the emotions that might be prompting the words. Ask them how they

feel about it if you are unsure.Respect is expressed by the words we say, and by listening.

C. By actions. Third, respect is expressed by actions. There are many smalldeeds of respect.

Remembering special dates is a sign of respect. When someone remembers abirthday or anniversary, it says, "You are important to me." When a man canremember Mickey Mantle's batting average in the '57 World Series, or who playedthird base for the Cubs in '68, but can't remember his wife's birthday, he has seriouscase of misplaced priorities!

Never correct someone in front of others, especially over insignificant details.ILL: I remember being with a couple who couldn't get through a story becausethey each kept disrespectfully interrupting the other to correct insignificantdetails. "It was Monday...no it was Sunday." "She said...no he said." "Shehad overpaid by $22...no it was $32." Who cares! Correcting someone in

public is disrespectful, and even if you win the argument, you lose respect inthe eyes of everyone who saw what you did.Opening the door for a lady is small act of chivalry that communicates respect.

I know that some women are liberated and say it is no big deal, but I've never met a

woman who resisted having a door opened for her. Everyone likes to be treated asthough they were respected.

ILL: One man all his life had dismissed common courtesies as nonsense. Henever opened a car door for his wife and when she asked him to, he said,"What's wrong; are your arms broken?" Late in life, his wife died, and hegrieved her fiercely, for he had truly loved her. As they were putting hercasket into the hearse for the trip to the funeral, the mortician, who knew him


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quite well, called him by name and said, "Open the door for her would you?"The man reached for the door handle and then, for just one second, froze. Herealized he had never opened a car door for her in life; now in her death itwould be the first, last and only time. Regret crashed in upon him.

Don't live with regret. Treat other people with respect, in the words you say, the wayyou listen, and by the actions you do.

Video and special offering for turkey drive.

The Climate of a Healthy Relationship Part 2 - Respect

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