The Chairman Diaries Episode One
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Transcript of The Chairman Diaries Episode One
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DAVID HARTRICK >
EPISODE ONE
Day One Welcome to Hell
What a shit hole.
Alright, so I might have told the ac-
countant I wanted to buy a football
club, but this? I'm not sure if the car
park's even fit for dogging. Its no
wonder that prick's not answering
his mobile I'm going to sck it up
his arse when I see him and he
knows it.
Why didn't I at least Wiki this lot be-
fore I signed the paperwork? I built
an Internet Empire without having
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to resort to pornography, yet got too
excited at the prospect of owning a
football club to do the homework.
Jesus, leaping in with both feet like
that Im Nigel de Jong.
I might not have Premier League or
even Championship money but I
thought the budget stretched fur-
ther than this bloody Vauxhall
Conference football. Saying that, I
may as well try to get into the spirit
of things for as long as it takes for
me to work out an exit strategy
bloody Blue Square Bet Premier
football. I've at least heard of this
lot but that's mainly down to an FA
Cup third round appearance in the
80s.
Memo to self: research business de-
cisions beyond the 1984 Grandstand
vidiprinter in future.
I thought an established club at non-
League level wouldn't be this run
down and this is just staring
through the 50% nt on the car win-
dow. Looking up I can see a painted
name on a once-famous sign, now
reduced to a faded shadow. Looking
down, the word 'pothole' barely
seems adequate for the innumer-
able hippo's yawns liering the car
park. This isn't even disappoinng
this is frightening.
I had visions of at least being able to
park my car in a neatly white-lined
space marked 'Chairman'. As it
stands Ive been forced to abandon
the Range Rover in something re-
sembling the 26th minute of Slum-
dog Millionaire. Thank God I didn't
bring the Aston.
As I open the car door I noce the
air is thick with fried onions and
burgers, apparently made of roughly
half meat, half carpet. Prada shoes
meet B&Q gravel as I step out to
gaze upon my new empire.
To repeat: what a shit hole.
To the le of the car park a steady
stream of bobble-hats are parng
with their hard earned fivers to
enter a structure rather hopefully
entled the 'Grand Stand'. A Range
Rover with private plates is being
viewed as something akin to witch-
cra by a queue of people with
whom I have nothing in common.
I've seen the odd eyebrow cocked in
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my direcon so I assume word's got
around the new chairman's in town.
To my right I see a door marked
'Staff Only' which I guess is my en-
trance. With a deep breath of icy air
I make my way towards it, lighng a
Benson for comfort as I go. The
smoky filter just beyond my nose
does nothing to improve the view as
the Rice Krispies snap, crackle and
pop beneath my feet.
As I reach the door a man appears,
opening it wide as if expecng me.
He looks about early 30s. The suit
that hangs about his body would
disgrace a charity shop sale rail. If I
combine his are with his body lan-
guage, general demeanour and
what looks suspiciously like a wig,
Im guessing whoever he is, hes yet
to marry.
You the new Chairman?
I nod a response and flick the barely-
smoked cigaree away to my right.
He thrusts out a hand covered in a
mixture of dirt and white paint to
clasp mine and introduces himself
as Richard, Club Secretary. He turns
and leads me into a corridor that
runs beneath the small stand; I fol-
low without a clue where we're
going, observing a discomfing lack
of windows. It feels like the journey
to the centre of the earth. A door
appears from the midst of the cave
with a sign marked 'Manager' on it.
Shit. I've just realised I don't even
know who the manager is.
Richard half trips as he opens the
door and I'm thankful the wig stays
in place. As he crosses the threshold
I catch him mouthing the words
He's here. Entering the small office
I find two middle-aged men, one
slumped in a tracksuit behind a
dusty, paper-strewn desk, another
standing over him with a face like
he's been chewing pine cones.
Thank you, Richard. Now take that
awful wig of yours and fuck off.
Richard complies with standing
angry mans order and shuffles out
somewhere behind me. Even
though I now own this lile corner
of Mordor, I get the feeling I'm being
told who really has the power.
You've met Richard then. I've no
doubt he told you he had some fuck-
ing job here but he's just a fan we
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use for the shit I can't be bothered
with. I'm Bryan Ramsden-Smith,
club director for life due to the fact
my family founded this place, and
no doubt the person pung out the
fires once you've pissed off back to
your ivory tower.
What the?
This is Terry Maclean, he's your
manager and resident club alcoholic
you'll be pleased to know if we
paid him more he'd have a raging
drug problem, as well. Now you're
here hes your problem.
I look at the tracksuited man. His
ouit is stained with that I really
hope is beer, and as he melts further
into his lopsided chair I realise he's
not just drunk, he's wasted.
Now do you want some boots and
a ball so you can piss around on the
pitch like a dancing fucking bear be-
fore kick-off? Show the fans how
much of a football man you are?
When I answer it'll be the first words
out of my mouth since leaving an ex-
tremely abusive message on the ac-
countant's phone. Hes going to get
another in about five minutes. I
stumble and fumble out the words
No, I'm not Michael Knighton.
Michael Knighton? Why you *hic*
talking talking 'bout Knight Rider?
With that comment Maclean finally
slips all the way from the chair that
had been clutching desperately to
his last shreds of dignity. As a body
disappears under the desk in front
of me Bryan Ramsden-Smith bumps
past and leaves me one last out-
pouring of bile.
Welcome to the club Mr Chair-
man.
Sarcasm drips from the words Mr
Chairman like a dew drop hanging
from a snoy kids nose.
We're boom of the league, the
grounds fucked, your manager's a
disgrace and they're all your prob-
lems now.
I cant say it enough. What a shit
hole.
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Day Three Gym Weeks & Happy
Endings
Terry sits in front of me with blood-
shot eyes that tell me all I need to
know about his quiet night in. As
an ex-pro his name sll carries
weight in certain pubs and clubs in
town, something I hear hes become
very adept at exploing. If the eyes
hadnt given it away, the abundance
of some shit aershave hes lath-
ered over the smell of stale beer
would have.
So, Terry, losing 5-1 at home is
probably not where we want this
club to be, is it?
When I see we I now have to mean
it. Aer finally tracking the account-
ant down to a 24-hour casino not far
from his office, he explained that
the deals already been completed.
I now own this place, lock, stock and
two subsiding changing rooms. Any
room I had to wriggle away from this
heap has gone and believe me, Ive
checked every bastard angle. Selling
this place as quickly as possible now
depends on my finding someone as
stupid as me, or turning things
around and making it a viable
proposion for a buyer. Having
thought long and hard about it yes-
terday, I came to the conclusion that
I just cant rely on finding as big a
prick as me out there. Im going to
have to do this the hard way.
Thing is, Chairman, had my hands
ed havent I? No money you see,
work with shit you get brown hands
eventually.
I dont really understand the
metaphor but Ive decided not to
shake Macleans hand again. Hes
talking in bullet points a classic
sign of a hungover mind struggling
to fill in the crossword clues that
make up a full conversaon.
Regardless of that, Terry, what con-
cerns me more is that your illness
meant your assistant had to take
charge of team affairs on Saturday.
A moments silence draws its awk-
ward fingers down a chalkboard as
Terry considers the statement.
Have I got an assistant?
No.
Almost unbelievably the queson
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was asked without a hint of shame.
Taking up a posion in the home
dugout come 3pm on Saturday af-
ternoon were me (perfect excuse
not to have to mix with Ramsden-
Smith or the bobble-hats), Richard
(in a tracksuit top that I dug out of
the teams kit bag that, judging by
the smell, had been there a long
me) and our physio, who couldnt
move as hed pulled his hamstring
pung up the massage table (and
whose name I didnt find out, nor
care to, either).
I fill Terry in and he feigns astonish-
ment.
Richard? Hes thick as pig shit.
Hardly the point, but hes bang on
the money.
I know, Terry. I discovered that
when one of the lads went down
with an ankle knock in the first
minute and he ran on and rubbed
Lucozade into it.
Time to up the ante a lile. Maclean
needs to understand that hes only
got three choices le at this club:
lead, follow, or get the fuck out the
way.
Terry, when are the lads training
this week?
Gym week, Chairman, told them all
to go and work on their stamina, at
the gym and that.
What did they do last week?
Err gym week.
When was the last me there was-
nt a gym week, Terry?
Ah, well, see what youre geng at,
but as an ex-professional, Ive iden-
fied a lack of err, condioning, as
one of our biggest problems.
I compose myself, even though the
room is now thick with bullshit as
well as Brut. I want to drag ex-pro-
fessional footballer Terry Maclean
over this desk and backhand him.
Professionalism dictates we do this
through discussion first though, and
Ive got a couple of lines of aack
planned.
You may believe condioning is
partly to blame for the teams current
league posion but I have my own
theories. Do you want to hear one?
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Instantly I see Terry prickle at the di-
recon he thinks this is going to
take.
Listen, Chairman, I run the team, I
decide whats right, and whats
going wrong. If youre coming here
to get involved with on field maers,
then
Terry, Terry, Terry. Let me speak.
I agree the lads condioning isnt
great, but I think there are one or
two other problems to consider. For
example, due to your various ab-
sences with illness, our captain,
Paul, has come to the fore and is
picking the team, deciding on the
formaon, telling the bench when
to substute players and doing all
this while trying to do a job as a
striker himself.
I pause and wait for any sign of
recognion.
Now Pauls a fine player and an ex-
cellent captain, but maybe not the
best centre-forward in the world.
Any idea why, Terry?
Hes beginning to realise there are
only two ways this can end: shape
up or piss off. He shakes his head in
mock bewilderment.
I think hes struggling up front as he
spent the first 21 years of his career
as a fucking goalkeeper, Terry.
With no visible response I take the
opportunity to connue.
Since youve been here youve
managed to personally see off an as-
sistant manager, a fitness coach, and
an enre reserve team. Your an-
Midas touch has managed to make
every area of the club worse for
your involvement. The team are
dogshit, the crowd knows it, the
clubs fucked, and youre an addict.
Ive got his back up now. Hes beaten
but I know hes not going to go qui-
etly.
Now listen here, Mr Chairman, I
handle team affairs, Im the ex-pro
this clubs lucky to have me. If
youre saying we cant work to-
gether, you beer start thinking
about a pay-off, I wont resign.
I thought youd say that Terry, thats
why Ive decided to give you a
chance. If you make a commitment
to knuckle down and manage the
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team properly, use your contacts to
bring in some decent players, hit
some performance targets that I set,
stop drinking, and cease using what
is now my office as a place to hide
your cocaine, we might be able to
work together.
He turns his shoulder like a petulant
child. Taking a few seconds to think
about it he composes a predictable,
laboured response.
I cant work with these, baseless
accusaons, so Im afraid youll have
to offer me, a suitable severance
package.
I smile. It doesnt feel great to do
this but hes le me no choice.
Well I tell you what well do, Terry.
Well part ways and as a severance
package Im offering you the chance
to stop me ringing your wife. You
see, I think she might be able to ex-
plain something in the club accounts
thats come to my aenon.
Theres an uneasy sense of recogni-
on creeping across his face.
It started with a phone call that led
me to an outstanding bill from
Delilahs Massage & Sauna Centre.
They rang us this morning chasing
their money, claiming you told them
to charge the club for two girls, a
full service and a happy ending.
They know it was you because you
were so pissed and coked-up youd
managed to leave, among other
things, your club jacket with your
name and fucking inials embroi-
dered in it, you dickhead.
Five minutes later Im all alone in the
office and looking for a new man-
ager. Ill ring the local paper and
give the sports guy an exclusive. Ill
have to tell them weve parted for
football reasons but I dont care,
hes someone elses problem now.
Beer ring Delilahs and ask them to
return that jacket too.
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Day Seven Mascots & Misunder-
standings
Do you think we need a mascot,
Richard?
My second match day and it strikes
just how grim this place really is.
The grounds got more in common
with Colditz than Old Trafford. Now
its raining I honestly cant think of
anywhere Id want to be less.
Adding to the picture perfect view is
the fact the team are sll playing
some absolutely dogshit. Aer Sat-
urdays 5-1 mauling any hope of a
rousing midweek response was put
to bed by a 6-0 away defeat which,
mercifully, I had to miss due to a
prior commitment. That commit-
ment was actually half a bole of
scotch, Come Dine With Me repeats
and aempng (unsuccessfully) to
have a lile roll around with the wife
but they dont need to know that.
Dragged here again kicking and
screaming by the fact I now own this
white elephant, geng rid of Terry
has done nothing to make it feel less
like a chore.
With no manager and the chairman,
the village idiot and an injured
physio in the dugout again, any dis-
tracon from the steady abuse com-
ing from behind us is welcomed. I
turn to the oblivious Richard and ask
him the mascot queson a lile
louder.
How do you mean, Chairman?
A character. A man in a big foam
costume.
How do you mean, Chairman?
A man doing a bit of a dance and
celebrang if we score, geeing the
crowd up, geng the kids involved
a bit, try and get a few more people
down here.
How do you mean, Chairman?
For fucks sake.
What I mean, Richard, is a bloke in
a big silly ouit promong and sell-
ing the club on match day, and at
the local schools, trying to return us
to the community if you will, making
this place look a lile less like Cher-
nobyl and more like somewhere
youd actually want to spend your
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Saturday aernoons.
Richard pauses and I can almost
hear cogs turn.
I do want to spend my Saturday af-
ternoons here.
Before I can go any further weve
conceded, and with twenty-five
minutes of the first half gone I know
the games over.
Oi! Chairman!
Ive quickly realised that although
the dugout lets me hide from cer-
tain situaons, theres no escaping
the dissenng voices behind me.
Every. Single. One.
Chairman!
The voice is deep and definitely
comes from one of the older bob-
ble-hats. I dont want to sck my
head out and glance back but itkeeps calling me out. Tentavely I
step forward and turn my head over
the dugouts plasc roof to look at
the terrace behind me. While one
side of the ground boasts the
Grand Stand, this side has a long,
raised paved area with a wooden
roof that leaks like a tramps shoes.
Even through the drumming of the
rain I can instantly pick out the
source of the shout.
Standing about twelve feet behind
us are two men who were stood in
exactly the same place last week. I
get the feeling theyve stood in that
same space for a long me. On the
le is the one Ive nicknamed Jimmy
Saville, solely on the strength that
the two mes Ive seen him, hes
had the same shiy Adidas shell suit
top on. The one on the right I call FACup because he has the biggest pair
of ears Ive ever seen on the side of
a human head.
Fucking Alex Ferguson couldnt li
this shower of shit so you best get
Jesus on the phone - we need a mir-
acle.
I nod and roll my eyes mockingly. Sir
Jimmy made the comment, and it
appears now he has the Chairmans
aenon he isnt willing to let it go
just like that.
Have you got someone lined up?
No. Since sacking Maclean Ive had
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the sum total of zero phone calls en-
quiring aer the job. It may have
only been four days but I thought
someone would have at least sent ina shiy CV.
Few irons in the fire, you know how
it is.
Please dont ask who, please dont
ask who, please dont ask who,
please don
Who?
Saville wont leave it. Embrace,
avoid or lie? Avoid.
Couldnt possibly say at this point,
its very early to be giving you
names.
A tacul lie on which to lower my-
self back into the dugout.
Its just that I spoke to Richard andhe says he overheard you on the
phone saying itd be easier to get
someone to throw themselves off a
bridge than find a manager for this
shit hole.
I look across at Richard and he
smiles at me.
Thats my Uncle Tommy, Mr Chair-
man, hes been coming here years.
For fucks sake. Need to keep that
office door shut from now on. I
smile the smile of a man caught
naked, climbing out his neighbours
bedroom window by an irate hus-
band, and slink back into my plasc
seat with a squeak. From behind my
shelter I can sll hear the muffled
tones of Uncle Tommy.
Richard also said youd told them
that you just wanted to get this
place stable enough to flog on for as
lile a loss as possible...
Running true to form, Richard is
grinning at me without a care in the
world.
which in our eyes makes you a
full-weight prick.
And on cue it begins. The inevitable,
pre-planned song.
The Chairman is a wanker, the
Chairman is a wanker
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Two voices become ten within the
first line, ten become thirty by the
second. I reckon all told we have
about 500 in today and within sec-onds the fiy odd who chose to
stand behind the dugouts are in uni-
son.
Ive only been here a week.
The place is a shit hole and the
crowd already hate me.
I fish around in my pocket for my
Blackberry and cigarees. Time to
leave my fucking accountant yet an-
other abusive message.
To be connued...
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THE CHAIRMAN DIARIES DAVID HARTRICK >
This is an extract from Issue One of Man and Ball
magazine: Let Sleeping Gods Lie.
This issue introduces Nigel and features stories
on German football since reunification, African
Arsenal fans, an unsung Dutch legend, and
seven other intriguing articles.
It can be downloaded in its entirety HERE >
David HartrickGuest writer
IN BED WITH MARADONA >@Hartch >
Soon to be published author, IBWMEditor, occasion-
ally blogs at I Know Who Cyrille Makanaky Was. and
has numerous other articles strewn wantonly across
the Internet like torn-up betting slips.
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