AnimprintofPenguinRandomHouseLLC375HudsonStreet

NewYork,NewYork10014

Copyright©2016byTheDalaiLamaTrust,DesmondTutu,andDouglasAbramsPenguinsupportscopyright.Copyrightfuelscreativity,encouragesdiversevoices,promotesfreespeech,andcreatesavibrantculture.Thankyouforbuyinganauthorizededitionofthisbookandforcomplyingwithcopyrightlawsbynotreproducing,scanning,ordistributinganypartofitinanyformwithoutpermission.YouaresupportingwritersandallowingPenguinto

continuetopublishbooksforeveryreader.

Coverphotographandphotographshere,here,andherecopyright©MirandaPennTurin.Photographshere,here,here,here,here,here,andherecopyright©TenzinChoejor.

MostAverybooksareavailableatspecialquantitydiscountsforbulkpurchaseforsalespromotions,premiums,fund-raising,andeducationalneeds.Specialbooksorbookexcerptsalsocanbecreatedtofitspecificneeds.Fordetails,write

SpecialMarkets@penguinrandomhouse.com.

eBookISBN:9780399185069

LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataNames:Bstan-®dzin-rgya-mtsho,DalaiLamaXIV,date.|Tutu,Desmond,author.

Title:Thebookofjoy:lastinghappinessinachangingworld/HisHolinesstheDalaiLamaandArchbishopDesmondTutu,withDouglasAbrams.

Description:NewYork:Avery,2016.Identifiers:LCCN2016026669|ISBN9780399185045

Subjects:LCSH:Happiness—Religiousaspects.|Joy—Religiousaspects.Classification:LCCBL65.H36B782016|DDC294.3/444—dc23

LCrecordavailableathttps://lccn.loc.gov/2016026669p.cm.

Version_1

CONTENTS

TITLEPAGECOPYRIGHT

THEINVITATIONTOJOYINTRODUCTION

Arrival:WeAreFragileCreatures

DAY 1The Nature of True Joy

WhyAreYouNotMorose?NothingBeautifulComesWithoutSomeSufferingHaveYouRenouncedPleasure?OurGreatestJoy

Lunch:TheMeetingofTwoMischievousPeopleIsWonderful

DAYS 2 & 3The Obstacles to Joy

YouAreaMasterpieceintheMakingFear,Stress,andAnxiety:IWouldBeVeryNervousFrustrationandAnger:IWouldShoutSadnessandGrief:TheHardTimesKnitUsMoreCloselyTogetherDespair:TheWorldIsinSuchTurmoilLoneliness:NoNeedforIntroductionEnvy:ThatGuyGoesPastYetAgaininHisMercedes-BenzSufferingandAdversity:PassingthroughDifficultiesIllnessandFearofDeath:IPrefertoGotoHell

Meditation:NowI’llTellYouaSecretThing

DAYS 4 & 5The Eight Pillars of Joy

1.Perspective:ThereAreManyDifferentAngles2.Humility:ITriedtoLookHumbleandModest3.Humor:Laughter,JokingIsMuchBetter4.Acceptance:TheOnlyPlaceWhereChangeCanBegin5.Forgiveness:FreeingOurselvesfromthePast6.Gratitude:IAmFortunatetoBeAlive7.Compassion:SomethingWeWanttoBecome8.Generosity:WeAreFilledwithJoy

Celebration:DancingintheStreetsofTibetDeparture:AFinalGoodbye

JoyPractices

ACKNOWLEDGMENTSAUTHORBIOS

TTheInvitationtoJoy

ocelebrateoneofourspecialbirthdays,wemetforaweekinDharamsalatoenjoyourfriendshipandtocreatesomethingthatwe

hopewillbeabirthdaygiftforothers.Thereisperhapsnothingmorejoyousthanbirth,andyetsomuchoflifeisspentinsadness,stress,andsuffering.Wehopethissmallbookwillbeaninvitationtomorejoyandmorehappiness.

Nodarkfatedeterminesthefuture.Wedo.Eachdayandeachmoment,weareabletocreateandre-createourlivesandtheveryqualityofhumanlifeonourplanet.Thisisthepowerwewield.

Lastinghappinesscannotbefoundinpursuitofanygoalorachievement.Itdoesnotresideinfortuneorfame.Itresidesonlyinthehumanmindandheart,anditisherethatwehopeyouwillfindit.

Ourcowriter,DouglasAbrams,haskindlyagreedtoassistusinthisprojectandinterviewedusoverthecourseofaweekinDharamsala.Wehaveaskedhimtoweaveourvoicestogetherandofferhisownasournarratorsothatwecansharenotonlyourviewsandourexperiencebutalsowhatscientistsandothershavefoundtobethewellspringsofjoy.

Youdon’tneedtobelieveus.Indeed,nothingwesayshouldbetakenasanarticleoffaith.Wearesharingwhattwofriends,fromverydifferentworlds,havewitnessedandlearnedinourlonglives.Wehopeyouwilldiscoverwhetherwhatisincludedhereistruebyapplyingitinyourownlife.

Everydayisanewopportunitytobeginagain.Everydayisyourbirthday.

Maythisbookbeablessingforallsentientbeings,andforallofGod’schildren—includingyou.

TENZINGYATSO,HISHOLINESSTHEDALAILAMA

DESMONDTUTU,ARCHBISHOPEMERITUSOFSOUTHERNAFRICA

A

INTRODUCTIONByDouglasAbrams

swesteppedofftheplaneatthesmallairport,thehowlofthejetenginesdeafeningandthesnowcappedfoothillsoftheHimalayas

loomingbehindus,twooldfriendsembraced.TheArchbishoptouchedtheDalaiLama’scheekstenderly,andtheDalaiLamapursedhislipsasifblowingtheArchbishopakiss.Itwasamomentofenormousaffectionandfriendship.Intheyearlongpreparationsforthisvisit,wewerequiteawareofwhatthemeetingmightmeanfortheworld,butweneverrealizedwhataweektogethermightmeanforthetwoofthem.

IthasbeenaprofoundprivilegeandadauntingresponsibilitytoconveytheremarkableweekofdialoguesthattookplaceinDharamsala,India,attheDalaiLama’sresidenceinexile.InthisbookIhavetriedtosharewithyoutheirintimateconversations,whichwerefilledwithseeminglyendlesslaughterandpunctuatedbymanypoignantmomentsofrecallingloveandloss.

Althoughtheyhadmetonlyhalfadozentimes,themensharedabondthattranscendedthesebriefvisits,andeachconsideredtheotherhis“mischievousspiritualbrother.”Neverbefore,orlikelyafter,wouldtheyhaveachancetospendsomuchtimeineachother’scompany,revelinginthejoyoftheirfriendship.

Theheavyfootstepsofmortalitywereneverfarfromourconversations.OurtripitineraryhadtobereworkedtwicesothattheArchbishopcouldattendfuneralsforhispeers.Ashealthandglobalpoliticshaveconspiredtokeepthemapart,werecognizedthatthismightbetheirlasttimetogether.

Foraweekwesatinapoolofsoftlight,arrangedcarefullytoavoidhurtingtheDalaiLama’ssensitiveeyes,asfivevideocamerasfilmedaroundus.Duringourquesttounderstandjoy,weexploredmanyofthemostprofoundsubjectsinlife.Wewereinsearchoftruejoythatwasnot

T

dependentonthevicissitudesofcircumstance.Weknewthatwewouldneedtotackletheobstaclesthatcansooftenmakejoyelusive.Duringthedialoguestheyoutlinedeightpillarsofjoy—fourpillarsofthemindandfourpillarsoftheheart.Thesetwogreatleadersagreedonthemostimportantprinciples,andofferedilluminatingdifferences,asweattemptedtogatherinsightsthatmighthelpreaderstofindlastinghappinessinanever-changing,andoftenaching,world.

WehadanopportunityeachdaytosipwarmDarjeelingteaandtobreakbread—Tibetanflatbread.Allwhowereworkingonfilmingtheinterviewswereinvitedtojointhesedailyteasandlunches.Oneexceptionalmorning,theDalaiLamaevenintroducedtheArchbishoptohismeditationpracticeinhisprivateresidence,andtheArchbishopgavetheDalaiLamacommunion,aritegenerallyreservedforthosewhoarewithintheChristianfaith.

Finally,attheendoftheweek,wecelebratedtheDalaiLama’sbirthdayattheTibetanChildren’sVillage,oneoftheboardingschoolsforchildrenwhohavefledTibet,wheretheChineseauthoritieshavepreventedthemfromreceivinganeducationbasedonTibetancultureandlanguage.ThechildrenaresentbytheirparentsoverthemountainpasseswithguideswhopromisetodeliverthemtooneoftheDalaiLama’sschools.Itishardtoimaginetheheartbreakofparentssendingtheirchildrenaway,knowingthattheywillnotseethemagainformorethanadecade,ifever.

Inthemidstofthistraumatizedschool,morethantwothousandstudentsandtheirteacherscheeredastheDalaiLama,whoisprohibitedbyhismonasticvowsfromdancing,tookhisfirsttentativeshimmyencouragedbytheArchbishop’sirrepressibleboogie.

•••

heDalaiLamaandtheArchbishoparetwoofthegreatspiritualmastersofourtime,buttheyarealsomoralleaderswhotranscend

theirowntraditionsandspeakalwaysfromaconcernforhumanityasawhole.Theircourageandresilienceanddoggedhopeinhumanityinspire

F

millionsastheyrefusetogiveintothefashionablecynicismthatrisksengulfingus.Theirjoyisclearlynoteasyorsuperficialbutoneburnishedbythefireofadversity,oppression,andstruggle.TheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopremindusthatjoyisinfactourbirthrightandevenmorefundamentalthanhappiness.

“Joy,”astheArchbishopsaidduringtheweek,“ismuchbiggerthanhappiness.Whilehappinessisoftenseenasbeingdependentonexternalcircumstances,joyisnot.”Thisstateofmind—andheart—ismuchclosertoboththeDalaiLama’sandtheArchbishop’sunderstandingofwhatanimatesourlivesandwhatultimatelyleadstoalifeofsatisfactionandmeaning.

ThedialogueswereaboutwhattheDalaiLamahascalledthevery“purposeoflife”—thegoalofavoidingsufferinganddiscoveringhappiness.Theysharedtheirhard-wonwisdomofhowtolivewithjoyinthefaceoflife’sinevitablesorrows.Togethertheyexploredhowwecantransformjoyfromanephemeralstateintoanenduringtrait,fromafleetingfeelingintoalastingwayofbeing.

•••

romthebeginningthisbookwasenvisionedasathree-layerbirthdaycake.ThefirstlayeristheDalaiLama’sandArchbishopTutu’steachings

onjoy:Isitreallypossibletobejoyfuleveninthefaceofourdailytroubles—fromfrustrationwithmorningtraffictofearsofnotbeingabletoprovideforourfamilies,fromangeratthosewhohavewrongedustogriefatthelossofthosewelove,fromtheravagesofillnesstotheabyssofdeath?Howdoweembracetherealityofourlives,denynothing,buttranscendthepainandsufferingthatisinescapable?Andevenwhenourlivesaregood,howdoweliveinjoywhensomanyothersaresuffering:whencrushingpovertyrobspeopleoftheirfuture,whenviolenceandterrorfillourstreets,andwhenecologicaldevastationendangerstheverypossibilityoflifeonourplanet?Thisbookisanattempttoanswerthesequestionsandmanymore.

Thesecondlayerismadeupofthelatestscienceonjoyandalsoonalltheotherqualitiesthattheybelieveareessentialforenduringhappiness.Withnewdiscoveriesinbrainscienceandexperimentalpsychology,therearenowmanyprofoundinsightsintohumanflourishing.TwomonthsbeforethetripIhadlunchwithneuroscientistRichardDavidson,apioneerresearchinghappiness.Hehasstudiedmeditatorsinhislabandfoundthatmeditationconfersmeasurablebenefitsforthebrain.WesatatanoutdoortableataVietnameserestaurantinSanFrancisco,theever-presentwindblowingthegray-blacklocksofhisboyishhaircut.Asweatespringrolls,DavidsonsaidthattheDalaiLamahadonceconfessedtohimthathefoundthescienceonmeditationinspiring,especiallywhengettingoutofbedtositintheearlymorning.IfthesciencehelpstheDalaiLama,itcanhelptherestofusevenmore.

Toooftenweseespiritualityandscienceasantagonisticforces,eachwithitshandattheother’sthroat.YetArchbishopTutuhasexpressedhisbeliefintheimportanceofwhathecalls“self-corroboratingtruth”—whenmanydifferentfieldsofknowledgepointtothesameconclusion.Similarly,theDalaiLamawasadamantabouttheimportanceofmakingsurethatthiswasnotaBuddhistorChristianbook,butauniversalbooksupportednotonlybyopinionortraditionbutalsobyscience.(Fulldisclosure:IamJewish,althoughIalsoidentifyassecular—itsoundsalittlelikeajoke:ABuddhist,aChristian,andaJewwalkintoabar...)

ThethirdlayerofthebirthdaycakeisthestoriesofbeinginDharamsalawiththeDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopthroughouttheweek.Theseup-closeandpersonalchaptersaremeanttoallowthereadertojointhejourneyfromthefirstembracetothefinalgoodbye.

Wehavealsoincludedaselectionofjoypracticesattheendofthebook.Bothteacherssharedwithustheirdailypractices,theanchorsoftheirownemotionalandspirituallives.ThegoalhereisnottocreatearecipeforajoyfullifebuttooffersomeofthetechniquesandtraditionsthathaveservedtheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopandcountlessothersoverthemillenniaintheirrespectivetraditions.Thesepracticalexerciseswillhopefullyhelpyoutaketheteachings,thescience,andthestories

I

andincorporatethemintoyourdailylife.

•••

havehadtheprivilegeofworkingwithmanyofthegreatspiritualteachersandscientificpioneersofourtime,helpingthemconveytheir

insightsabouthealthandhappinessforothers.(Manyofthesescientistshavegenerouslycontributedtheirresearchtothisbook.)Iamsurethatmyfascination—okay,obsession—withjoybeganwhilegrowingupinalovinghomethatwasshadowedbytheblackdogofdepression.Havingwitnessedandexperiencedsuchpainfromaveryyoungage,Iknowthatsomuchofhumansufferingoccurswithinourownheadandheart.TheweekinDharamsalafeltlikeanextraordinaryandchallengingpeakinthislifelongjourneytounderstandbothjoyandsuffering.

Asthepeople’sambassador,Isatthereforfivedaysofinterviews,staringintotheeyesoftwoofthemostcompassionatepeopleontheplanet.Iamveryskepticalaboutthemagicalsensationsthatsomeattributetobeinginthepresenceofspiritualteachers,butfromtheveryfirstdayIfoundmyheadstartingtotingle.Itwasstartling,butperhapsitwassimplyanexampleofhowmymirrorneurons,thosespecialempathicbraincells,wereinternalizingwhatIwaswitnessingintheeyesofthesetwoextremelylovingmen.

Fortunately,Iwasnotaloneinthedauntingtaskofdistillingtheirwisdom.ThuptenJinpa,theDalaiLama’sprincipaltranslatorformorethanthirtyyearsandaBuddhistscholar,accompaniedmefromstarttofinish.FormanyyearshewasaBuddhistmonk,buthegaveuphisrobesforalifeofmarriageandfamilyinCanada,makinghimtheperfectpartnerfortranslatingbetweenworldsaswellaslanguages.Wesattogetherduringthedialogues,butJinpaalsohelpedmetopreparethequestionsandinterprettheanswers.Hehasbecomeatrustedcollaboratorandadearfriend.

Thequestionswerenotoursalone.Weinvitedtheworldtoasktheirquestionsaboutjoy,andalthoughitturnedoutwehadonlythreedaystocollectthem,wereceivedmorethanathousand.Itwasfascinatingthat

D

themostaskedquestionwasnotabouthowwecoulddiscoverourownjoybuthowwecouldpossiblylivewithjoyinaworldfilledwithsomuchsuffering.

•••

uringtheweektheirfingerswereoftenwaggingateachotherteasingly,momentsbeforetheirhandswereclaspedtogether

affectionately.DuringourfirstlunchtheArchbishoptoldthestoryofatalktheyweregivingtogether.Astheyweregettingreadytowalkonstage,theDalaiLama—theworld’siconofcompassionandpeace—pretendedtochokehisspiritualolderbrother.TheArchbishopturnedtotheDalaiLamaandsaid,“Hey,thecamerasareonus,actlikeaholyman.”

Thesetwomenremindusthathowwechoosetoacteachdayiswhatmatters.Evenholymenhavetoactlikeholymen.Buthowwethinkholymenact,seriousandsevere,piousandreserved,ishardlyhowthesetwogreettheworld,oreachother.

TheArchbishophasneverclaimedsainthoodandtheDalaiLamaconsidershimselfasimplemonk.Theyofferusthereflectionofreallivesfilledwithpainandturmoilinthemidstofwhichtheyhavebeenabletodiscoveralevelofpeace,ofcourage,ofjoythatwecanaspiretoinourownlives.Theirdesireforthisbookisnotjusttoconveytheirwisdombuttheirhumanityaswell.Sufferingisinevitable,theysaid,buthowwerespondtothatsufferingisourchoice.Notevenoppressionoroccupationcantakeawaythisfreedomtochooseourresponse.

RightuntiltheverylastminutewedidnotknowiftheArchbishop’sdoctorswouldallowhimtotravel.Theprostatecancerhadreturnedandwasslow,thistime,torespondtotreatment.TheArchbishopisnowonanexperimentalprotocoltoseeifitwillholdthecanceratbay.AswewerelandinginDharamsala,whatsurprisedmemostwastheexcitement,anticipation,andperhapsatouchofconcern,ontheArchbishop’sfacethatcouldbeseeninhiswidegrinandtwinklingblue-grayeyes.

WArrival:WeAreFragileCreatures

earefragilecreatures,anditisfromthisweakness,notdespiteit,thatwediscoverthepossibilityoftruejoy,”theArchbishopsaid

asIhandedhimhissleekblackcanewiththesilverhandleshapedlikeagreyhound.“Lifeisfilledwithchallengesandadversity,”theArchbishopcontinued.“Fearisinevitable,asispainandeventuallydeath.Takethereturnoftheprostatecancer—well,itdoesfocusthemind.”

OneofthesideeffectsofthemedicinetheArchbishopwastakingisfatigue,andhehadsleptformostoftheflighttoIndia,abeigeblanketpulledupoverhishead.Wehadplannedtotalkontheflight,butsleepwasmostimportant,andnowhewastryingtosharehisthoughtsquicklyasweapproachedDharamsala.

WehadstoppedoffinAmritsarforthenightsohecouldrestandbecausetheairportinDharamsalawasopenforonlyacoupleofhoursaday.ThismorningwehadvisitedthefamedHarmandirSahib,theSikhreligion’sholiestsite.Theupperstoriesarecladingold,resultinginitspopularname,theGoldenTemple.Therearefourdoorstogetintothegurdwara,whichsymbolizesthetradition’sopennesstowardallpeopleandallreligions.Thisseemedlikeanappropriateplacetopayourrespects,aswewereembarkingonaninterfaithmeetingthatwouldbringtwooftheworld’sgreatreligions,ChristianityandBuddhism,intodeepdialogue.

Aswewereswallowedintoathrongofthetemple’sonehundredthousanddailyvisitors,wegotthecall.TheDalaiLamahaddecidedtomeettheArchbishopattheairport,ararehonorthathebestowsonveryfewoftheendlessstreamofvisitingdignitaries.Weweretoldthathewasalreadyonhisway.WeracedtogetoutofthetempleandbacktotheairportaswepushedtheArchbishopinhiswheelchair,hisbaldheadcoveredbyanorangehandkerchief,arequiredsignofrespectatthetemple,whichmadehimlooklikeaDay-Glopirate.

Thevantriedtoinchitswaythroughthetraffic-chokedstreetsofAmritsarasasymphonyofcarhornsplayed,themassofcars,pedestrians,bicycles,scooters,andanimalsalljostlingforposition.Concretebuildingslinedtheroads,theirrebarstickingoutinanalwaysunfinishedstateofexpansion.Wefinallymadeittotheairportandontotheplane.Wewishedthatthetwenty-minuteflightwouldgoevenfaster,concernednowthattheDalaiLamawouldbewaitingonthetarmac.

“Discoveringmorejoydoesnot,I’msorrytosay,”theArchbishopadded,aswebeganourdescent,“saveusfromtheinevitabilityofhardshipandheartbreak.Infact,wemaycrymoreeasily,butwewilllaughmoreeasily,too.Perhapswearejustmorealive.Yetaswediscovermorejoy,wecanfacesufferinginawaythatennoblesratherthanembitters.Wehavehardshipwithoutbecominghard.Wehaveheartbreakwithoutbeingbroken.”

IhadwitnessedboththeArchbishop’stearsandhislaughtersomanytimes.Well,morehislaughterthanhistears,intruth,buthedoescryeasilyandoften,forthatwhichisnotyetredeemed,forthatwhichisnotyetwhole.Itallmatterstohim,itallaffectshimdeeply.Hisprayers,inwhichIhavebeenenveloped,reacharoundtheworldtoallwhoareinneedandsuffering.OneofhisbookeditorshadagrandsonwhowasillandontheArchbishop’sverylongdailyprayerlist.Severalyearslater,theeditoraskedifhewouldonceagainprayforhisgrandson,becausethechild’sillnesshadreturned.TheArchbishoprepliedthathehadneverstoppedprayingfortheboy.

Fromtheplane,wecouldseethesnow-coveredmountainsthatarethepostcardbackdroptotheDalaiLama’shomeinexile.AftertheChineseinvasionofTibet,theDalaiLamaandahundredthousandotherTibetansfledtoIndia.TheserefugeesweretemporarilysettledinthelowlandsofIndia,wheretheheatandmosquitosledagreatmanytobecomeill.EventuallythegovernmentofIndiaestablishedtheDalaiLama’sresidenceinDharamsala,andtheDalaiLamawasverygratefulforthehigheraltitudeandthecoolerweather.OvertimemanyTibetanscametosettlehereaswell,asifthecommunitywasheartsickforthemountainouslandscapeandhighaltitudeoftheirhome.Andofcourse

O

mostofall,theywantedtobeclosetotheirspiritualandpoliticalleader.DharamsalaisinthenorthIndianstateofHimachalPradesh,andthe

British,whentheyruledIndia,alsousedtocomeheretoescapetherelentlessheatoftheIndiansummer.AsweapproachedthisformerBritishhillstation,wecouldseethegreencarpetofpinetreesandagriculturalfieldsbelow.Densestormcloudsandfogoftenclosethesmallairport,asitdidonmylastvisit.Buttodaytheskywasblue,thewispsofcloudsheldatbaybythemountains.Wedescendedforthesteeplanding.

•••

negreatquestionunderliesourexistence,”theDalaiLamahadsaidbeforethetrip.“Whatisthepurposeoflife?Aftermuch

consideration,Ibelievethatthepurposeoflifeistofindhappiness.“ItdoesnotmatterwhetheroneisaBuddhistlikeme,oraChristian

liketheArchbishop,oranyotherreligion,ornoreligionatall.Fromthemomentofbirth,everyhumanbeingwantstodiscoverhappinessandavoidsuffering.Nodifferencesinourcultureoroureducationorourreligionaffectthis.Fromtheverycoreofourbeing,wesimplydesirejoyandcontentment.Butsooftenthesefeelingsarefleetingandhardtofind,likeabutterflythatlandsonusandthenfluttersaway.

“Theultimatesourceofhappinessiswithinus.Notmoney,notpower,notstatus.Someofmyfriendsarebillionaires,buttheyareveryunhappypeople.Powerandmoneyfailtobringinnerpeace.Outwardattainmentwillnotbringrealinnerjoyfulness.Wemustlookinside.

“Sadly,manyofthethingsthatundermineourjoyandhappinesswecreateourselves.Oftenitcomesfromthenegativetendenciesofthemind,emotionalreactivity,orfromourinabilitytoappreciateandutilizetheresourcesthatexistwithinus.Thesufferingfromanaturaldisasterwecannotcontrol,butthesufferingfromourdailydisasterswecan.Wecreatemostofoursuffering,soitshouldbelogicalthatwealsohavetheabilitytocreatemorejoy.Itsimplydependsontheattitudes,theperspectives,andthereactionswebringtosituationsandtoour

W

relationshipswithotherpeople.Whenitcomestopersonalhappinessthereisalotthatweasindividualscando.”

•••

elurchedforwardasthebrakesseizedthetires,andthentheplanerumbledandshook,stoppingquicklyontheshortrunway.Outthe

windowoftheairplanewecouldseetheDalaiLamastandingonthetarmac,alargeyellowumbrellaheldoverhisheadtoprotecthimfromthebrightIndiansun.Hewaswearinghismaroonrobeandredshawl,althoughwecouldseeasmallpatchofsaffronyellowonhissleevelessvest.Anentourageofofficestaffandairportofficialsinsuitsflankedhim.Indiansoldiersinkhakiuniformswereprovidingsecurity.

Themediahadbeenkeptoutsideoftheairport.ThiswasgoingtobeanintimatereunionwithonlytheDalaiLama’spersonalphotographertakingpictures.AstheArchbishophobbleddownthesteepstairsinhisblueblazerandsignaturefisherman’scap,theDalaiLamaapproached.

TheDalaiLamawassmiling,hiseyessparklingbehindhislargesquare-framedglasses.HebowedlowandthentheArchbishopspreadhisarmsout,andtheyembraced.Theyseparatedandheldeachother’sshoulders,gazingintoeachother’seyes,asiftryingtoconvincethemselvesthattheywerereallytogetheragain.

“Ihaven’tseenyouinalongwhile,”ArchbishopTutusaidashetouchedtheDalaiLama’scheektenderlywiththetipsofhisfingersandinspectedhimclosely.“Youlookverygood.”

TheDalaiLama,stillholdingtheArchbishop’ssmallshoulders,puckeredasiftoblowhimakiss.TheArchbishopraisedhislefthand,goldweddingringshining,andclaspedtheDalaiLama’schinasonemightdotoone’spreciousgrandchild.ThentheArchbishopwentinforakissonthecheek.TheDalaiLama,notusedtokissesfromanyone,flinchedbutalsolaughedwithdelight,whichwasquicklyaccompaniedbytheArchbishop’shigh-pitchedcackle.

“Youdon’tlikeakiss,”theArchbishopsaid,andgavehimanotherontheothercheek.IwonderedhowmanykissestheDalaiLamahad

receivedinhiswholelife,takenfromhisparentsatagetwoandraisedinararefiedrealmfarawayfromkisses.

Theystoppedfortheformalpresentationofkhata(awhitescarf),aTibetancustomofgreetingandrespect.TheDalaiLamabowedwithhandspressedtogetherathisheart,thegestureofwelcomethatrecognizesouroneness.TheArchbishoptookoffhisfisherman’scapandbowedinreturn.TheDalaiLamathendrapedthelongwhitesilkscarfaroundtheArchbishop’sneck.Theywhisperedintoeachother’sears,tryingtotalkoverthenoiseofthejetstilldroninginthebackground.TheDalaiLamatooktheArchbishop’shand,andthentheyweremoreeightthaneighty,laughingandmakingjokestogetherastheystrolledtowardtheterminal,yellowumbrellashelteringabovethem.

EventhoughtheArchbishop’swhitescarfwasbunchedaroundhisneck,itstillhungallthewaydownhissmallbody.Thesizeofthekhataonegivesisasignoftheesteemthatoneholdsfortherecipient,highlamasreceivingthelongestones.ThiskhatawasthelongestoneIhadeverseen.TheArchbishopjokedthroughouttheweek,askhataafterkhatawasdrapedaroundhisneck,thathefeltlikeahumancoatrack.

WewereusheredintoasmallroomwithacoupleofbrowncouchessetasidefortheDalaiLamatoawaithisoftendelayedorcanceledflightsoutofDharamsala.Wecouldseethemediagatheredoutsidetheairport,liningtheglasswallwaitingforachancetosnapaphotographoraskaquestion.ItwasonlythenthatIrecalledhownewsworthyandevenhistoricthistripwas.Ithadbeensoeasytogetlostinthelogisticsandtoforgetthattheirtimetogetherwasanimportanteventfortheworld.

Inthelounge,theArchbishoprelaxedintoacouchwhiletheDalaiLamawasperchedinalargechairbesidehim.NexttotheArchbishopsathisdaughterMpho,whowasdressedinabrilliantgreenandredAfricanprintdress,herheadwrappedwithamatchingfabric.Theyoungestoffourchildren,shefollowedherfatherintotheministryandwasnowtheexecutivedirectoroftheDesmondandLeahTutuLegacyFoundation.DuringourtripMphowouldgetdownonbendedkneeandproposetohergirlfriend,MarcelinevanFurth.ThetripwasonlyacouplemonthsbeforetheU.S.SupremeCourtmadeitslandmarkrulinglegalizinggay

marriage,buttheArchbishophadsupportedgayrightsfordecades.Hefamouslyhadsaidthathewouldrefusetogotoa“homophobic”heaven.Whatmanyforget—especiallythosewhofindthemselvesonthereceivingendofhismoralcensure—isthattheArchbishopdecriesanyformofoppressionordiscrimination,whereverhemightfindit.Shortlyafterthemarriage,MphowasstrippedofherministrybecausetheSouthAfricanAnglicanChurchdoesnotrecognizegaymarriage.

“Iwasreallylookingforwardtocomingtoyourbirthday,”theDalaiLamasaid,“butyourgovernmenthadsomedifficulties.Atthattimeyouexpressedsomeverystrongwords,”theDalaiLamasaidasheputhishandontheArchbishop’sforearm.“AndIappreciatedit.”Strongwordswasanunderstatement.

TheweekinDharamsalatocelebratetheDalaiLama’sbirthdayhaditsoriginsfouryearsearlier,whenArchbishopTutucelebratedhisowneightiethbirthdayinCapeTown,SouthAfrica.TheDalaiLamahadbeeninvitedtobetheguestofhonor,buttheSouthAfricangovernmentbowedtopressurefromtheChinesegovernmentandwasunwillingtoissuetheDalaiLamaavisa.ChinaisoneofthemajorbuyersofSouthAfricanmineralsandrawmaterials.

TheArchbishopwasdailyonthefrontpageoftheSouthAfricannewspapersleadinguptothecelebration,railingagainstthegovernmentfortheirperfidyandduplicity.HeevencomparedtherulingAfricanNationalCongress—thepartywhosemembershefoughtfordecadestohelpbringoutofexileandimprisonment—tothelong-hatedapartheidgovernment.Hesaidtheywereactuallyworse,becauseatleastinthecaseoftheapartheidgovernmentthevillainywasovert.

“Ialwaystrytoavoidanyinconvenience,”theDalaiLamasaidwithagrin,andthenpointedtotheArchbishop,“butIwashappysomeoneelsewaswillingtobeaninconvenience.Iwasveryhappy.”

“Iknow,”theArchbishopsaid.“Youuseme.That’sthetrouble.Youuseme,andIdon’tlearn.”

TheArchbishopthenputouthishandandtooktheDalaiLama’stenderly.

“WhentheSouthAfricansrefusedtoletyoucomeformyeightieth

birthday,itmadethewholeeventallthemorespectacular,becausewehadGooglehostingourconversation,andtherewasalotmorepressinterestthantheremighthaveotherwisebeen.Butnevermind—whereveryouare,thereisalotofinterest.I’mnotjealous.

“Youknow,IrememberwhenwewereinSeattle,theywerelookingforavenuethatwouldbelargeenoughforthepeoplewhowantedtocometoseeyou,anditendedupthattheyfoundafootballstadium.Therewereseventythousandpeoplewhowantedtocomehearthisman,andhecan’tevenspeakEnglishproperly.”

TheDalaiLamaletoutabigbellylaugh.“It’sreallynotnice,”theArchbishopcontinued.“Youreallyneedto

praythatIbecomealittlemorepopularlikeyou.”Toteasesomeoneisasignofintimacyandfriendship,toknowthat

thereisareservoirofaffectionfromwhichwealldrinkasfunnyandflawedhumans.Andyettheirjokeswereasmuchaboutthemselvesasabouteachother,neverreallyputtingtheotherdown,butconstantlyreinforcingtheirbondandtheirfriendship.

TheArchbishopwantedtothankandintroduceeachofthepeoplewhohadhelpedmakethetrippossible.HeintroducedhisdaughterMpho,philanthropistandpeacebuilderPamOmidyar,andme,buttheDalaiLamasaidhealreadyknewallofus.Thenheintroducedmywife,Rachel,ashisAmericandoctor;PatChristian,acolleagueofPam’sfromtheOmidyarGroup;andhisdaughter’ssoon-to-befiancée,Marceline,apediatricianandprofessorofepidemiologyinHolland.Hedidnotneedtointroducethefinalmemberofourparty,theVenerableLamaTenzinDhonden,whowasamemberoftheDalaiLama’sownNamgyalMonastery.

NowtheDalaiLamawasrubbingtheArchbishop’shandwarmly,ashewouldthroughouttheweek.TheyweretalkingabouttheflightitineraryandourstopoverinAmritsar.“Thisisverygood.Necessarytorest,”theDalaiLamasaid.“Ialwayssleepeighttoninehoursanight.”

“Butyougetupveryearly,don’tyou?”theArchbishopasked.“That’sright.Threeo’clock.”“Threeo’clock?”

“Always.”“Andyouprayfivehours?”TheArchbishopwasholdingupfive

fingersforemphasis.“Yes.”TheArchbishoplookedupwardandshookhishead.“No,that’stoo

much.”“SometimesIdomeditationonthenatureofselfusingwhatisknown

asthe‘sevenfoldanalysis,’”theDalaiLamasaid.JinpalaterexplainedthatthisisaBuddhistcontemplativepracticeinwhichonesearchesforthetruenatureoftheselfbyanalyzingtherelationshipbetweenoneselfandthephysicalandmentalaspectsofourbodyandmind.“Forexample,”theDalaiLamacontinued,“nowwhenIlookatyou,andIanalyze,Iseethatthisismydear,respectedfriendBishopTutu.No,thisishisbody,nothimself.Thisishismind,butnothimself.”TheDalaiLamaleanedintoemphasizehispoint,presentingaparadoxicalriddleasoldasBuddhism.“WhereisBishopTutu’sself?Wecan’tfindit.”HeslappedtheArchbishop’sforearmplayfully.

TheArchbishoplookedalittlemystifiedandalittlebemused.“Really?”

“Sonow,”theDalaiLamaconcluded,“inquantumphysics,theyalsohaveasimilarview.Anyobjectivethingdoesnotreallyexist.Thereisnothingultimatelywecanfind.Thisissimilartoanalyticalmeditation.”

TheArchbishopputhishandsoverhisfaceinbewilderment.“Icouldn’tdothat.”TheDalaiLamamayhavebeenarguingagainsttherebeinganessentialBishopTutu,butatthesametimetherewasaperson,afriendthatwasspecialtohiminawaythat,despitehisfriendlinesstoall,wasuniqueandclearlyimportanttohim.JinpaandIdiscussedwhatitwasaboutthisrelationshipthatprobablymeantsomuch.Forbothofthem,itwasraretohaveatruefriend.Thereare,afterall,notmanymembersofthemoralleadersclub.Theirlivesarefilledwithpeoplewhorelatetothemasicons.Itmustbearelieftofindsomeonewhoisnotlookingforaphotoop.Certainly,theyalsosharevaluesataplacewherethecoreofallreligionsmeet,andofcoursetheyshareafantasticsenseofhumor.Iwasbeginningtoseehowcentralfriendship,andrelationship

A

moregenerally,wasinourexperienceofjoy.Thiswasathemethatwouldarisemanytimesinourweektogether.

“Itellpeople,”saidtheArchbishop,“thatoneofthegreatestthingsaboutyouisyourserenity,andIsay,‘Well,youknoweverydayhespendsthosefivehoursinthemorningmeditating,’anditshowsinhowyourespondtothingsthatareagonizing—thepainofyourcountry,andthepainoftheworld.AsIsay,Itry,butfivehoursistoomuch.”TheArchbishop,characteristicallyhumbleandself-effacing,wasdismissinghisownthreeorfourhoursofprayeraday.Itistrue,hesleepsin...untilfour.

Whatisit,Iwondered,aboutspiritualleadersthattheyarealwaysgettingupearlytoprayandmeditate?Itclearlymakesagreatdifferenceinhowtheyapproachtheirday.WhenIfirstheardthattheDalaiLamagotupat3:00a.m.,IthoughtIwasgoingtohearanotherstoryofsuperhumandevotionandlearnthathesleptonlytwoorthreehoursanight.Iwasrelievedtohearthathesimplywenttobedveryearly,typicallyby7:00p.m.(Notexactlypracticalforahouseholderwhohaschildrentofeedandgettobed,Ithought,butperhapsgettingtobedanhourearlierandupanhourearlierwaspossible.Woulditleadtomorespiritualgrowth?Woulditleadtomorejoy?)

TheDalaiLamaheldtheArchbishop’shanduptohischeek.“Sonowwegotomyhome.”

•••

swewalkedoutoftheairport,themediacrowdedaroundthetwoleadersandshoutedquestionsabouttheArchbishop’strip.The

Archbishopstoppedtoanswer,andtousetheattentionofthemediatoshineaspotlightoninjustice.Hespokeastheclicksofcameraspepperedhiscomments.“Iamsogladtobewithmydearfriend.Oftenthingsandpeopletrytokeepusapart,butthelovethatwehaveforeachotherandthegoodnessofGod’suniverseensuresthatweshallmeet.ThefirsttimethattheSouthAfricangovernmentrefusedhimavisa—whenhewasgoingtocometomyeightiethbirthday—Iaskedhim,‘Howmany

divisionsdoyouhaveinyourarmy?WhyisChinascaredofyou?’Andthatiswhatsurprisesme—maybetheyareright—aspiritualleaderissomethingthatshouldbetakenveryseriously.WehopethatGod’sworldwillbecomeabetterplace,morehospitabletogoodness,morehospitabletocompassion,morehospitabletogenerosity,morehospitabletolivingtogethersowedon’thavewhatishappeningnowbetweenRussiaandtheUkraine,orwhatishappeningwithISIS,orwhatishappeninginKenyaorSyria.TheymakeGodweep.”

TheArchbishopturnedtoleavebutthenpausedagainasanotherjournalistaskedaboutthepurposeofhistrip.“Wearetogetherjusttoenjoyourfriendshipandtotalkaboutjoy.”

TheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamawerewhiskedawaybyawaitingmotorcade.ThedrivetotheDalaiLama’sresidencewasaboutthree-quartersofanhour.ThestreetshadbeenclosedtoallowtheDalaiLamatogototheairport,andTibetans,Indians,andafewtouristswereliningthestreets,hopingtogetaglimpseofhimandhisspecialguest.IrealizednowwhytheDalaiLamasorarelymakesthepilgrimagetotheairport.Itisamajorlogisticaloperationthatshutsdownoneofthemainroadsandimpactsthewholecity.

Wewereheretodiscussjoyinthefaceoflife’schallenges,andeverywhereinDharamsalawereremindersthatthiswasacommunitythathadbeentraumatizedbyoppressionandexile.Thetownclingstowindinghillsideroads,andcraftstallshangovertheedgesofsheercliffs.LikeconstructionthroughoutIndiaandsomuchofthedevelopingworld,buildingcodesandsecurityprecautionswerewavedasidetomakeroomfortheexplodingpopulation.Iwonderedhowthesestructureswouldfareinanearthquake,andfearedthatthewholecitymightbeshakenoffthebackofthesemountainslikealeaffromawakinganimal.

Themotorcadesnakedupasthelinesofthedevoutthickened,someburningincenseandmanyotherswithmalabeadsdrapedaroundtheirprayerfullycuppedhands.Itishardfornon-TibetanstounderstandhowmuchtheDalaiLamameanstotheTibetanpeople,andthisexilecommunityinparticular.Heisboththesymboloftheirnationalandpoliticalidentityandalsotheembodimentoftheirspiritualaspirations.

TobetheembodimentoftheBodhisattvaofCompassionmeansinmanywaystobeaChristlikefigure.IcanonlyimaginehowchallengingitmustbefortheDalaiLamatocarrythisresponsibilitywhilealsotryingtoemphasizehisbeing“nothingspecial,”justoneofthesevenbillionpeople.

Thestreetsnarrowed,andIwonderedhowourspeedingcarscouldpossiblypassthroughthethrongofpeople,butweseemedtoslowonlyfortheoccasionalsacredcowthatmeanderedintothestreet,perhapsalsotogetabetterglimpseofthetwoholymen.

Iwonderedifthecareeningpacewasduetosecurityconcernsoradesiretoreopentheroads,butIguessedmorelikelytheformer.Thiscity,likeallofIndia’scities,isformedthroughtheconstantfrictionoftectoniclayersofculture,shiftingandjostlingwitheachotherinavibrantandsometimesuneasydisplayofdevotionandidentity.

TheTibetanBuddhisthilltoptownofMcLeodGanj,knownalsoasUpperDharamsala,isonemoresedimentarylevelontopoftheIndianHinducity.Dharamsala,orDharamshala,asitispronouncedinHindi,means“spiritualdwelling,”combiningtheworddharma,orspiritualteaching,withshala,whichisadwelling,andthewholenamemeans“pilgrim’slodgeorresthouse.”Itisafittingnameforacitythatisthesiteofsomuchpilgrimagetoday.

WehurriedthroughthesimplemetalgatesoftheDalaiLama’scomplex,wherehisofficesandprivateresidencearelocated.Wearrivedatasemicirculardrivewaysurroundingabedburstingwithspringflowers.IhadvisitedDharamsalainJanuarytomeetwiththeDalaiLama’sofficetoplanthistrip.Atthetime,thewholetownwasshroudedincloudsandfreezingcold,butnowthesunwasshiningbrightly,theflowersallthemoreeagertobloom,astheyalwaysseemtobeinthebriefgrowingseasonathigheraltitudes,theirlivescutshort,everydayseeminglymoreurgentandappreciated.

Asthebeginningofthedialoguesgrewcloser,IrealizedIwasbecomingincreasinglynervous,butIalsoknewthatIwasnottheonlyone.Ononeofourplanningcallsforthetrip,IhadbeentouchedbytheArchbishop’shonestexpressionofconcernaboutcrossingwitswiththe

DalaiLama.“Heismuchmorecerebral,”hehadsaid,referringtotheDalaiLama’sgreatloveofdebate,intellectualinquiry,andscientificexploration.“Iammoreinstinctual,”hehadsaid,andIrememberedhimsayingthatdeepvisceralknowingandprayerfulsurrenderhadguidedallofthemajorturningpointsinhislifeandhismissioninthestruggletoendapartheid.Iguessevengreatspiritualleadersgetnervouswhentheyarejourneyingintotheunknown.

AfteradayofrestfortheArchbishop,wewouldbeginthedialoguesonthenatureoftruejoy.

Day1:

The Nature of TrueJoy

TWhyAreYouNotMorose?

obegin,IinvitedtheArchbishoptoofferaprayer,since,inhistradition,thatisthewaytoopenanyimportantconversation.“Yes,thankyou,”theArchbishopbegan.“IalwaysneedallthehelpI

canget.“Let’sbestillforamoment.Come,HolySpirit.Filltheheartsofthy

faithfulpeopleandkindleinthemthefireofthylove.Sendforththyspiritandtheyshallbemadenewandthoushaltrenewthefaceoftheearth.Amen.”

“Amen,”theDalaiLamaadded.IthenaskedtheDalaiLamatosharehishopesforourtimetogether.Hesatbackandrubbedhishands.“Nowweareinthetwenty-firstcentury.Weareimprovingontheinnovationsofthetwentiethcenturyandcontinuingtoimproveourmaterialworld.Whileofcoursetherearestillalotofpoorpeoplewhodonothaveadequatefood,generallytheworldisnowhighlydeveloped.Theproblemisthatourworldandoureducationremainfocusedexclusivelyonexternal,materialisticvalues.Wearenotconcernedenoughwithourinnervalues.Thosewhogrowupwiththiskindofeducationliveamaterialisticlifeandeventuallythewholesocietybecomesmaterialistic.Butthiscultureisnotsufficienttotackleourhumanproblems.Therealproblemishere,”theDalaiLamasaid,pointingtohishead.

TheArchbishoptappedhischestwithhisfingerstoemphasizetheheartaswell.

“Andhere,”theDalaiLamaechoed.“Mindandheart.Materialisticvaluescannotgiveuspeaceofmind.Sowereallyneedtofocusonourinnervalues,ourtruehumanity.Onlythiswaycanwehavepeaceofmind—andmorepeaceinourworld.Alotoftheproblemswearefacingareourowncreation,likewarandviolence.Unlikeanaturaldisaster,theseproblemsarecreatedbyhumansourselves.

“Ifeelthereisabigcontradiction,”theDalaiLamacontinued.“There

aresevenbillionhumanbeingsandnobodywantstohaveproblemsorsuffering,buttherearemanyproblemsandmuchsuffering,mostofourowncreation.Why?”HewasspeakingnowdirectlytotheArchbishop,whowasnoddinginagreement.“Somethingislacking.Asoneofthesevenbillionhumanbeings,Ibelieveeveryonehastheresponsibilitytodevelopahappierworld.Weneed,ultimately,tohaveagreaterconcernforothers’well-being.Inotherwords,kindnessorcompassion,whichislackingnow.Wemustpaymoreattentiontoourinnervalues.Wemustlookinside.”

HeturnedtotheArchbishopandraisedhishands,palmspressedtogetherinagestureofrespect.“Sonowyou,ArchbishopTutu,mylongtimefriend.”HeextendedhishandtotheArchbishop,whotookittenderlybetweenbothofhis.“Ithinkyouhavegreatpotential—”

“Potential?!”theArchbishoprespondedwithfeignedoutrage,retractinghishand.

“Greatpotential,yes.Imeangreatpotential,yousee,tocreateahappierhumanity.”

TheArchbishopthrewhisheadback,laughing.“Ah,yes.”“Whenpeoplejustlookatyourface,”theDalaiLamacontinued,“you

arealwayslaughing,alwaysjoyful.Thisisaverypositivemessage.”NowtheDalaiLamareachedoverandtooktheArchbishop’shandagainandstrokedit.

“Sometimeswhenyouseepoliticalleadersorspiritualleaders,theyhaveaveryseriousface—”Hesatupinhischairfrowningandlookingverystern.“Itmakesonehesitant,butwhentheyseeyourface—”

“It’sthebignose,”theArchbishopsuggested,andtheybothgiggled.“SoIreallyappreciateyourcomingtohavethisconversation,”the

DalaiLamasaid.“Inordertodevelopourmind,wemustlookatadeeperlevel.Everyoneseekshappiness,joyfulness,butfromoutside—frommoney,frompower,frombigcar,frombighouse.Mostpeopleneverpaymuchattentiontotheultimatesourceofahappylife,whichisinside,notoutside.Eventhesourceofphysicalhealthisinside,notoutside.

“Sotheremaybeafewdifferencesbetweenus.Youusuallyemphasizefaith.PersonallyIamBuddhist,andIconsiderfaithvery

important,butatthesametimetherealityisthatoutofsevenbillionpeople,overonebillionpeopleontheplanetarenonbelievers.Sowecannotexcludethem.Onebillionisquitealargenumber.Theyarealsoourhumanbrothersandsisters.Theyalsohavetherighttobecomehappierhumanbeingsandtobegoodmembersofthehumanfamily.Sooneneednotdependonreligiousfaithtoeducateourinnervalues.”

“It’sverydifficulttofollowyourveryprofoundpronouncements,”theArchbishopbegan.“Ithoughtyouweregoingtosaythat,infact,whenyouarepursuinghappiness,youarenotgoingtofindit.It’svery,veryelusive.Youdon’tfinditbysaying,I’mgoingtoforgetabouteverythingandjustpursuehappiness.There’satitleofabookbyC.S.LewiscalledSurprisedbyJoy,whichIthinkexpresseshowitworks.

“Manypeoplelookatyou,”theArchbishopcontinued,“andtheythinkofalltheawfulthingsthathavehappenedtoyou.Nothingcanbemoredevastatingthanbeingexiledfromyourhome,fromthethingsthatarereallyprecioustoyou.Andyetwhenpeoplecometoyou,theyexperiencesomeonewhohasawonderfulserenity...awonderfulcompassion...amischievousness—”

“That’stherightword,”theDalaiLamaadded.“Idon’tliketoomuchformality.”

“Don’tinterruptme,”theArchbishopelbowedback.“Oh!”TheDalaiLamalaughedathisreprimand.“It’swonderfultodiscoverthatwhatwewantisnotactually

happiness.ItisnotactuallywhatIwouldspeakof.Iwouldspeakofjoy.Joysubsumeshappiness.Joyisthefargreaterthing.Thinkofamotherwhoisgoingtogivebirth.Almostallofuswanttoescapepain.Andmothersknowthattheyaregoingtohavepain,thegreatpainofgivingbirth.Buttheyacceptit.Andevenafterthemostpainfullabor,oncethebabyisout,youcan’tmeasurethemother’sjoy.Itisoneofthoseincrediblethingsthatjoycancomesoquicklyfromsuffering.

“Amothercanbedeadtiredfromwork,”theArchbishopcontinued,“andallofthethingsthathaveworriedher.Andthenherchildisill.Thatmotherwillnotrememberherexhaustion.Shecansitatthebedsideofhersickchildthenightthrough,andwhenthechildgetsbetteryousee

Wthatjoy.”

•••

hatisthisthingcalledjoy,andhowisitpossiblethatitcanevokesuchawiderangeoffeelings?Howcantheexperienceofjoyspan

fromthosetearsofjoyatabirthtoanirrepressiblebellylaughatajoketoaserenelycontentedsmileduringmeditation?Joyseemstoblanketthisentireemotionalexpanse.PaulEkman,famedemotionsresearcherandlongtimefriendoftheDalaiLama,haswrittenthatjoyisassociatedwithfeelingsasvariedas:

pleasure(ofthefivesenses)amusement(fromachuckletoabellylaugh)contentment(acalmerkindofsatisfaction)excitement(inresponsetonoveltyorchallenge)relief(followinguponanotheremotion,suchasfear,anxiety,and

evenpleasure)wonder(beforesomethingastonishingandadmirable)ecstasyorbliss(transportingusoutsideourselves)exultation(athavingaccomplishedadifficultordaringtask)radiantpride(whenourchildrenearnaspecialhonor)unhealthyjubilationorschadenfreude(relishinginsomeoneelse’s

suffering)elevation(fromhavingwitnessedanactofkindness,generosity,or

compassion)gratitude(theappreciationofaselflessactofwhichoneisthe

beneficiary)

Inhisbookonhappiness,BuddhistscholarandformerscientistMatthieuRicardhasaddedthreeothermoreexaltedstatesofjoy:

rejoicing(insomeoneelse’shappiness,whatBuddhistscallmudita)

I

delightorenchantment(ashiningkindofcontentment)spiritualradiance(aserenejoybornfromdeepwell-beingand

benevolence)

Thishelpfulmappingofthekingdomofjoyconveysitscomplexityanditssubtlety.Joycanspanfromthepleasureofothers’goodfortune,whatBuddhistscallmudita,tothepleasureinothers’misfortune,whattheGermanscallschadenfreude.ClearlywhattheArchbishopwasdescribingwasmorethanmerepleasureandclosertotherelief,wonder,andecstasyofbirth.Joycertainlydoesembraceallofthesehumanexperiences,butlastingjoy—joyasawayofbeing—thatonewitnessesintheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamaisprobablyclosesttothe“shiningcontentment”orthe“spiritualradiance”bornfromdeepwell-beingandbenevolence.

Iknewthiscomplextopographyofjoywaswhatwewereheretodiscover.ResearchconductedattheInstituteofNeuroscienceandPsychologyattheUniversityofGlasgowsuggeststhattherearereallyonlyfourfundamentalemotions,threeofwhichareso-callednegativeemotions:fear,anger,andsadness.Theonlypositiveoneisjoyorhappiness.Exploringjoyisnothinglessthanexploringwhatmakeshumanexperiencesatisfying.

•••

sjoyafeelingthatcomesandsurprisesus,orisitamoredependablewayofbeing?”Iasked.“Forthetwoofyou,joyseemstobesomething

muchmoreenduring.Yourspiritualpracticehasn’tmadeyousomberandserious.It’smadeyoumorejoyful.Sohowcanpeoplecultivatethatsenseofjoyasawayofbeing,andnotjustatemporaryfeeling?”

TheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamalookedateachotherandtheArchbishopgesturedtotheDalaiLama.TheDalaiLamasqueezedtheArchbishop’shandandbegan.“Yes,itistrue.Joyissomethingdifferentfromhappiness.WhenIusethewordhappiness,inasenseImeansatisfaction.Sometimeswehaveapainfulexperience,butthatexperience,asyou’vesaidwithbirth,canbringgreatsatisfactionand

joyfulness.”“Letmeaskyou,”theArchbishopjumpedin.“You’vebeeninexile

fifty-whatyears?”“Fifty-six.”“Fifty-sixyearsfromacountrythatyoulovemorethananythingelse.

Whyareyounotmorose?”“Morose?”theDalaiLamaasked,notunderstandingtheword.AsJinpahurriedtotranslatemoroseintoTibetan,theArchbishop

clarified,“Sad.”TheDalaiLamatooktheArchbishop’shandinhis,asifcomforting

himwhilereviewingthesepainfulevents.TheDalaiLama’sstorieddiscoveryasthereincarnationoftheDalaiLamameantthatattheageoftwo,hewassweptawayfromhisruralhomeintheAmdoprovinceofeasternTibettotheone-thousand-roomPotalaPalaceinthecapitalcityofLhasa.TherehewasraisedinopulentisolationasthefuturespiritualandpoliticalleaderofTibetandasagodlikeincarnationoftheBodhisattvaofCompassion.AftertheChineseinvasionofTibetin1950,theDalaiLamawasthrustintopolitics.Attheageoffifteenhefoundhimselftherulerofsixmillionpeopleandfacinganall-outanddesperatelyunequalwar.FornineyearshetriedtonegotiatewithCommunistChinaforhispeople’swelfare,andsoughtpoliticalsolutionsasthecountrycametobeannexed.In1959,duringanuprisingthatriskedresultinginamassacre,theDalaiLamadecided,withaheavyheart,togointoexile.

TheoddsofsuccessfullyescapingtoIndiawerefrighteninglysmall,buttoavoidaconfrontationandabloodbath,heleftinthenightdressedasapalaceguard.Hehadtotakeoffhisrecognizableglasses,andhisblurredvisionmusthaveheightenedhissenseoffearanduncertaintyastheescapepartysnuckbygarrisonsofthePeople’sLiberationArmy.Theyenduredsandstormsandsnowstormsastheysummitednineteen-thousand-footmountainpeaksduringtheirthree-weekescape.

“OneofmypracticescomesfromanancientIndianteacher,”theDalaiLamabeganansweringtheArchbishop’squestion.“Hetaughtthatwhenyouexperiencesometragicsituation,thinkaboutit.Ifthere’sno

waytoovercomethetragedy,thenthereisnouseworryingtoomuch.SoIpracticethat.”TheDalaiLamawasreferringtotheeighth-centuryBuddhistmasterShantideva,whowrote,“Ifsomethingcanbedoneaboutthesituation,whatneedistherefordejection?Andifnothingcanbedoneaboutit,whatuseisthereforbeingdejected?”

TheArchbishopcackled,perhapsbecauseitseemedalmosttooincrediblethatsomeonecouldstopworryingjustbecauseitwaspointless.

“Yes,butIthinkpeopleknowitwiththeirhead.”Hetouchedbothindexfingerstohisscalp.“Youknow,thatitdoesn’thelpworrying.Buttheystillworry.”

“Manyofushavebecomerefugees,”theDalaiLamatriedtoexplain,“andtherearealotofdifficultiesinmyowncountry.WhenIlookonlyatthat,”hesaid,cuppinghishandsintoasmallcircle,“thenIworry.”Hewidenedhishands,breakingthecircleopen.“ButwhenIlookattheworld,therearealotofproblems,evenwithinthePeople’sRepublicofChina.Forexample,theHuiMuslimcommunityinChinahasalotofproblemsandsuffering.AndthenoutsideChina,therearemanymoreproblemsandmoresuffering.Whenweseethesethings,werealizethatnotonlydowesuffer,butsodomanyofourhumanbrothersandsisters.Sowhenwelookatthesameeventfromawiderperspective,wewillreducetheworryingandourownsuffering.”

IwasstruckbythesimplicityandprofundityofwhattheDalaiLamawassaying.Thiswasfarfrom“don’tworry,behappy,”asthepopularBobbyMcFerrinsongsays.Thiswasnotadenialofpainandsuffering,butashiftinperspective—fromoneselfandtowardothers,fromanguishtocompassion—seeingthatothersaresufferingaswell.TheremarkablethingaboutwhattheDalaiLamawasdescribingisthataswerecognizeothers’sufferingandrealizethatwearenotalone,ourpainislessened.

Oftenwehearaboutanother’stragedy,anditmakesusfeelbetteraboutourownsituation.ThisisquitedifferentfromwhattheDalaiLamawasdoing.Hewasnotcontrastinghissituationwithothers,butunitinghissituationwithothers,enlarginghisidentityandseeingthatheandtheTibetanpeoplewerenotaloneintheirsuffering.Thisrecognitionthatwe

areallconnected—whetherTibetanBuddhistsorHuiMuslims—isthebirthofempathyandcompassion.

IwonderedhowtheDalaiLama’sabilitytoshifthisperspectivemightrelatetotheadage“Painisinevitable;sufferingisoptional.”Wasittrulypossibletoexperiencepain,whetherthepainofaninjuryoranexile,withoutsuffering?ThereisaSutta,orteachingoftheBuddha,calledtheSallathaSutta,thatmakesasimilardistinctionbetweenour“feelingsofpain”and“thesufferingthatcomesasaresultofourresponse”tothepain:“Whentouchedwithafeelingofpain,theuninstructed,ordinarypersonsorrows,grieves,andlaments,beatshisbreast,becomesdistraught.Sohefeelstwopains,physicalandmental.Justasiftheyweretoshootamanwithanarrowand,rightafterward,weretoshoothimwithanotherone,sothathefeelsthepainoftwoarrows.”ItseemsthattheDalaiLamawassuggestingthatbyshiftingourperspectivetoabroader,morecompassionateone,wecanavoidtheworryandsufferingthatisthesecondarrow.

“Thenanotherthing,”theDalaiLamacontinued.“Therearedifferentaspectstoanyevent.Forexample,welostourowncountryandbecamerefugees,butthatsameexperiencegaveusnewopportunitiestoseemorethings.Formepersonally,Ihadmoreopportunitiestomeetwithdifferentpeople,differentspiritualpractitioners,likeyou,andalsoscientists.ThisnewopportunityarrivedbecauseIbecamearefugee.IfIremainedinthePotalainLhasa,Iwouldhavestayedinwhathasoftenbeendescribedasagoldencage:theLama,holyDalaiLama.”HewasnowsittingupstifflyasheoncehadtowhenhewasthecloisteredspiritualheadoftheForbiddenKingdom.

“So,personally,Ipreferthelastfivedecadesofrefugeelife.It’smoreuseful,moreopportunitytolearn,toexperiencelife.Therefore,ifyoulookfromoneangle,youfeel,ohhowbad,howsad.Butifyoulookfromanotherangleatthatsametragedy,thatsameevent,youseethatitgivesmenewopportunities.So,it’swonderful.That’sthemainreasonthatI’mnotsadandmorose.There’saTibetansaying:‘Whereveryouhavefriendsthat’syourcountry,andwhereveryoureceivelove,that’syourhome.’”

Therewasanaudiblegaspintheroomatthispoignantsaying,andatitsabilitytoease,ifnoterase,thepainofahalfcenturyspentinexile.

“That’sverybeautiful,”theArchbishopsaid.“Also,”theDalaiLamacontinued,“whoevergivesyoulove,that’s

yourparent.SoIconsideryou—althoughyouareonlyfouryearsolderthanme—asmyfather.Ithinkyounevercouldhavehadyourchildrenattheageoffour,soyouarenotmyrealfather.ButIdoconsideryouasafather.”

“Whatyousaidisquitewonderful,”theArchbishopbegan,stillclearlymovedbytheDalaiLama’sresponsetoexile.“IthinkIwouldjustaddtoitbysayingtooursistersandbrothersoutthere:Anguishandsadnessinmanywaysarethingsthatyoucannotcontrol.Theyhappen.Supposingsomebodyhitsyou.Thepaincausesananguishinyouandananger,andyoumightwanttoretaliate.Butasyougrowinthespirituallife,whetherasaBuddhistoraChristianoranyothertradition,youareabletoacceptanythingthathappenstoyou.Youacceptitnotastheresultofyourbeingsinful,thatyouareblameworthybecauseofwhathashappened—it’spartofthewarpandwoofoflife.It’sgoingtohappenwhetheryoulikeitornot.Therearegoingtobefrustrationsinlife.Thequestionisnot:HowdoIescape?Itis:HowcanIusethisassomethingpositive?Justasyou,YourHoliness,havejustdescribed.Nothing,Ithink,canbemoredevastatinginmanywaysthanbeingturfedoutofyourowncountry.Andacountryisnotjustacountry,Imeanitispartofyou.Youarepartofitinawaythatisverydifficulttodescribetootherpeople.Byrights,theDalaiLamashouldbeasourpuss.”

TheDalaiLamaaskedJinpaforatranslationofsourpuss.TheArchbishopdecidedtoexplainithimself:“It’swhenyoudothat

face.”HewaspointingattheDalaiLama’squizzicalexpressionandpursedlips,whichdidlookalittlelikehehadbittenintoalemon.“Justthatface,justlikethat,youlooklikearealsourpuss.”

TheDalaiLamawasstilltryingtounderstandhowone’spusscouldlooksour,andJinpawasstilltryingtotranslate.

“Andthenwhenyousmileyourfacelightsup.Anditisbecauseinaverylargemeasureyouhavetransmutedwhatwouldhavebeentotally

negative.You’vetransmuteditintogoodness.Because,again,youhavenotsaid,‘WellhowcanIbehappy?’You’venotsaidthat.You’vesaid,‘HowcanIhelptospreadcompassionandlove?’Andpeopleeverywhereintheworld,evenwhentheydon’tunderstandyourEnglish,theycomeandtheyfillstadiums.I’mnotreallyjealous.IspeakfarbetterEnglishthanyou,andIdon’tgetsomanypeoplecomingtohearmeastheycometoyou.Andyouknowwhat?Idon’tthinktheycometolisten.Theymaybedoingthatabit.Whatthey’vecomeforisthatyouembodysomething,whichtheyfeel,becausesomeofthethingsthatyousay,inasense,areobvious.Yetit’snotthewords.It’sthespiritbehindthosewords.Itiswhenyousitandyoutellpeoplethatsuffering,frustration,arenotthedeterminantsofwhoweare.Itisthatwecanusethesethingsthatareseeminglynegativeforapositiveeffect.

“AndIhopewecanconveytoGod’schildrenouttherehowdeeplytheyareloved.Howdeeply,deeplyprecioustheyaretothisGod.Eventhedespisedrefugeewhosenamenooneseemstoknow.Ilookfrequentlyatpicturesofpeoplefleeingfromviolence,andthere’ssomuchofit.Lookatthechildren.IsaythatGodiscrying,becausethatisnothowGodwantedustolive.Butyouseeagaineveninthosecircumstances,youhavethesepeoplewhocomefromotherpartsoftheworldtotrytohelp,tomakethingsbetter.Andthroughthetears,Godbeginstosmile.AndwhenGodseesyouandhearshowyoutrytohelpGod’schildren,Godsmiles.”TheArchbishopwasnowbeaming,andhewhisperedthewordsmileasifitweretheholynameofGod.

“Hewantstoaskanotherquestion,”theArchbishopsaid,seeingthatIwasleaningforward.Itwasextraordinarytohearhowdeeplytheywereengagingwithjoyandsuffering,butattherateweweregoing,wewouldn’tgetthroughone-tenthofthequestionsweneededtoask.

TheDalaiLamaslappedtheArchbishop’shandandsaid,“Wehaveseveraldays,soit’snotaproblem.Ifourinterviewisonlythirtyminutesoronehour,thenwehavetoshortenouranswers.”

“Youmustshortenyouranswers,”theArchbishopsaid.“Iambrief.”“Firstlet’shavetea,andthenIwillbebrief.”

A

NothingBeautifulComesWithoutSomeSuffering

rchbishop,youweretalkingabouthowtheDalaiLamahasexperiencedgreatsufferinginhisexile.Duringapartheid,youand

yourcountryexperiencedgreatsuffering,too.Andeveninyourpersonallife,you’vedealtwithprostatecancer—you’redealingwithitnow.Manypeople,whentheygetill,don’tfeelveryjoyful.You’vebeenabletomaintainthatjoyinthefaceofsuffering.Howhaveyoubeenabletodoit?”

“Well,Ihavecertainlybeenhelpedbymanyotherpeople.Oneofthegoodthingsisrealizingthatyouarenotasolitarycell.Youarepartofawonderfulcommunity.That’shelpedverygreatly.Asweweresaying,ifyouaresettingouttobejoyfulyouarenotgoingtoendupbeingjoyful.You’regoingtofindyourselfturnedinonyourself.It’slikeaflower.Youopen,youblossom,reallybecauseofotherpeople.AndIthinksomesuffering,maybeevenintensesuffering,isanecessaryingredientforlife,certainlyfordevelopingcompassion.

“Youknow,whenNelsonMandelawenttojailhewasyoungand,youcouldalmostsay,bloodthirsty.HewasheadofthearmedwingoftheAfricanNationalCongress,hisparty.Hespenttwenty-sevenyearsinjail,andmanywouldsay,Twenty-sevenyears,oh,whatawaste.AndIthinkpeoplearesurprisedwhenIsayno,thetwenty-sevenyearswerenecessary.Theywerenecessarytoremovethedross.Thesufferinginprisonhelpedhimtobecomemoremagnanimous,willingtolistentotheotherside.Todiscoverthatthepeopleheregardedashisenemy,theytoowerehumanbeingswhohadfearsandexpectations.Andtheyhadbeenmoldedbytheirsociety.Andsowithoutthetwenty-sevenyearsIdon’tthinkwewouldhaveseentheNelsonMandelawiththecompassion,themagnanimity,thecapacitytoputhimselfintheshoesoftheother.”

WhiletheracistapartheidgovernmentinSouthAfricaimprisonedNelsonMandelaandsomanyotherpoliticalleaders,theArchbishopbecamethedefactoambassadoroftheanti-apartheidstruggle.ProtectedbyhisAnglicanrobesandtheNobelPrizethathereceivedin1984,hewasabletocampaignforanendtotheoppressionofblacksandotherpeopleofcolorinSouthAfrica.Duringthatbloodystruggle,heburiedcountlessmen,women,andchildren,andtirelesslypreachedpeaceandforgivenessattheirfunerals.

AfterthereleaseofNelsonMandelaandhiselectionasthefirstpresidentofafreeSouthAfrica,theArchbishopwasaskedtocreatethefamedTruthandReconciliationCommissiontotrytofindapeacefulwaytoconfronttheatrocitiesofapartheidandpioneeranewfuturewithoutrevengeandretribution.

“And,inakindofparadoxicalway,”theArchbishopcontinued,“itishowwefaceallofthethingsthatseemtobenegativeinourlivesthatdeterminesthekindofpersonwebecome.Ifweregardallofthisasfrustrating,we’regoingtocomeoutsqueezedandtightandjustangryandwishingtosmasheverything.

“WhenIspokeaboutmothersandchildbirth,itseemstobeawonderfulmetaphor,actually,thatnothingbeautifulintheendcomeswithoutameasureofsomepain,somefrustration,somesuffering.Thisisthenatureofthings.Thisishowouruniversehasbeenmadeup.”

LaterIwasamazedtohearfromprenatalresearcherPathikWadhwathatthereisindeedakindofbiologicallawatworkinthesesituations.Stressandoppositionturnouttobeexactlywhatinitiateourdevelopmentinutero.Ourstemcellsdonotdifferentiateandbecomeusifthereisnotenoughbiologicalstresstoencouragethemtodoso.Withoutstressandopposition,complexlifelikeourswouldneverhavedeveloped.Wewouldneverhavecomeintobeing.

“Ifyouwanttobeagoodwriter,”theArchbishopconcluded,“youarenotgoingtobecomeonebyalwaysgoingtothemoviesandeatingbonbons.Youhavetositdownandwrite,whichcanbeveryfrustrating,andyetwithoutthatyouwouldnotgetthatgoodresult.”

T•••

herewasdeeptruthinwhattheArchbishopwassaying,andyetIwantedtorepeatbacktohimwhathehadsaidtotheDalaiLama.It’s

onethingtounderstandthevalueofsuffering,andquiteanothertorememberitwhenyouareangryorfrustratedorinpain.“Archbishop,takeuswithyoutothehospitalortoadoctor’sappointment,andthey’reprobingyouandproddingyou,andit’spainful,andit’suncomfortable.Andyou’rewaiting,andittakesalongtime.Whatdoyoudoinsideyourselfnottofeelangryortocomplainortowallowinyourself-pity?Itsoundslikeyou’resayingyoucanchoosetobejoyfuleveninthefaceofthatdifficulty.Howdoyoudothat?”

“Ithinkweoughtnottomakepeoplefeelguiltywhenitispainful.Itispainful,andyouhavetoacknowledgethatitispainful.Butactually,eveninthemidstofthatpain,youcanrecognizethegentlenessofthenursewhoislookingafteryou.Youcanseetheskillofthesurgeonwhoisgoingtobeperformingtheoperationonyou.Yetsometimesthepaincanbesointensethatyoudonothaveeventhecapacitytodothat.

“Thethingis,don’tfeelguilty.Wehavenocontroloverourfeelings.Emotionsarespontaneousthingsthatarise.”ThiswasapointthattheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamawoulddisagreeonduringtheweek:Howmuchcontroldowehaveoverouremotions?TheArchbishopwouldsaywehaveverylittle.TheDalaiLamawouldsaywehavemorethanwethink.

“Atsomepoint,youwillbeinanguish,”theArchbishopcontinued.“WearetoldintheChristiantraditiontoofferupoursufferinganduniteitwiththeanguishandpainofourSaviorandthususeittoimprovetheworld.Itdoeshelpyounottobetooself-centered.Ithelpsyoutosomeextenttolookawayfromyourself.Anditcanhelpmakethatanguishbearable.Youdon’thavetobeabelieverinanyfaithtobeabletosay,Oh,aren’tIblessedthatIhavedoctors,thatIhavenursesqualifiedtolookafterme,andthatIcanbeinahospital?Thatmightjustbethebeginningofmovingawayfrombeingsoself-centeredandconcentratingtoomuchonme,me,me,me.Youbegintorealize,Hey,I’mnotalonein

this.Lookatallthemanyothers,andtheremaybesomewhoareingreaterpain.It’slikebeingputintoafieryfurnacetoberefined.”

TheDalaiLamajumpedintoaffirmthetruthofwhattheArchbishopwassaying.“Toomuchself-centeredthinkingisthesourceofsuffering.Acompassionateconcernforothers’well-beingisthesourceofhappiness.Idonothaveasmuchexperiencewithphysicalpainasyouhave.YetonedayIwasinBodhGaya,theplacewheretheBuddhaachievedenlightenment,tobeginaseriesofimportantBuddhistteachings.BodhGayaistheholiestpilgrimageplaceforBuddhists.

“Therewerearoundonehundredthousandpeoplewhohadcometoattendtheteachings,butsuddenlyIhadintensepaininmyabdomen.Theydidnotknowthenthatitwasmygallbladder,butIwastoldIneededtogotothehospitalurgently.Whenboutsofpainstruck,itwassointensethatIwassweating.WehadtodrivetothehospitalinPatna,thecapitalcityofthestateofBihar,whichwastwohoursaway.Asweweredriving,alongtheroadwepassedalotofpoverty.BiharisoneofthepooreststatesinIndia.Icouldseeoutthewindowthatthechildrenhadnoshoes,andIknewthattheywerenotgettingapropereducation.ThenasweapproachedPatna,underahutIsawanoldmanlyingontheground.Hishairwasdisheveled,hisclothesweredirty,andhelookedsick.Hehadnoonetotakecareofhim.Really,helookedasifheweredying.Allthewaytothehospital,Iwasthinkingofthismanandfelthissuffering,andIcompletelyforgotaboutmyownpain.Bysimplyshiftingmyfocustoanotherperson,whichiswhatcompassiondoes,myownpainwasmuchlessintense.Thisishowcompassionworksevenatthephysicallevel.

“Soasyourightlymentioned,aself-centeredattitudeisthesourceoftheproblem.Wehavetotakecareofourselveswithoutselfishlytakingcareofourselves.Ifwedon’ttakecareofourselves,wecannotsurvive.Weneedtodothat.Weshouldhavewiseselfishnessratherthanfoolishselfishness.Foolishselfishnessmeansyoujustthinkonlyofyourself,don’tcareaboutothers,bullyothers,exploitothers.Infact,takingcareofothers,helpingothers,ultimatelyisthewaytodiscoveryourownjoyandtohaveahappylife.SothatiswhatIcallwiseselfishness.”

T

“Youarewise,”theArchbishopsaid.“Iwouldn’tjustsaywiseselfish.Youarewise.”

•••

heBuddhistpracticeofmindtraining,calledlojonginTibetan,isanimportantpartoftheDalaiLama’stradition.Oneofthefundamental

messagesintheoriginaltwelfth-centurylojongtextechoeswhattheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopweresayingaboutlookingawayfromoneself:“Alldharmateachingsagreeononepoint—lesseningone’sself-absorption.”

Thetextclarifiesthatwhenwefocusonourourselveswearedestinedtobeunhappy:“Contemplatethat,aslongasyouaretoofocusedonyourself-importanceandtoocaughtupinthinkingabouthowyouaregoodorbad,youwillexperiencesuffering.Obsessingaboutgettingwhatyouwantandavoidingwhatyoudon’twantdoesnotresultinhappiness.”Thetextincludestheadmonition:“Alwaysmaintainonlyajoyfulmind.”

Sowhat,then,isthisjoyfulmind?Jinpa,whowroteatranslationandcommentaryonthisreveredtext,explainedaswewerepreparingforthetripthatjoyisouressentialnature,somethingeveryonecanrealize.Wecouldsaythatourdesireforhappinessis,inaway,anattempttorediscoverouroriginalstateofmind.

ItseemsthatBuddhistsbelievethatjoyisthenaturalstatebutthattheabilitytoexperiencejoycanalsobecultivatedasaskill.Aswewerehearing,somuchdependsonwhereweputourattention:onourownsufferingorthatofothers,onourownperceivedseparationoronourindivisibleconnection.

Ourabilitytocultivatejoyhasnotbeenscientificallystudiedasthoroughlyasourabilitytocultivatehappiness.In1978,psychologistsPhilipBrickman,DanCoates,andRonnieJanoff-Bulmanpublishedalandmarkstudythatfoundthatlotterywinnerswerenotsignificantlyhappierthanthosewhohadbeenparalyzedinanaccident.Fromthisandsubsequentworkcametheideathatpeoplehavea“setpoint”thatdeterminestheirhappinessoverthecourseoftheirlife.Inotherwords,

wegetaccustomedtoanynewsituationandinevitablyreturntoourgeneralstateofhappiness.

However,morerecentresearchbypsychologistSonjaLyubomirskysuggeststhatperhapsonly50percentofourhappinessisdeterminedbyimmutablefactorslikeourgenesortemperament,our“setpoint.”Theotherhalfisdeterminedbyacombinationofourcircumstances,overwhichwemayhavelimitedcontrol,andourattitudesandactions,overwhichwehaveagreatdealofcontrol.AccordingtoLyubomirsky,thethreefactorsthatseemtohavethegreatestinfluenceonincreasingourhappinessareourabilitytoreframeoursituationmorepositively,ourabilitytoexperiencegratitude,andourchoicetobekindandgenerous.ThesewereexactlytheattitudesandactionsthattheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishophadalreadymentionedandtowhichtheywouldreturnascentralpillarsofjoy.

MHaveYouRenouncedPleasure?

ostreligionshaveastrongconvictionthatwecannotdiscoverlastinghappinessthroughoursenses.Sowhiletemporary

enjoymentcancomethroughoursenses,itisinevitablyfleetingandnotthesourceofenduringsatisfaction.ThereisaBuddhistsayingthattryingtoseekhappinessthroughsensorygratificationisliketryingtoquenchyourthirstbydrinkingsaltwater.ButwhatexactlyistherelationshipbetweenjoyandpleasureandbetweenwhattheDalaiLamahascalledhappinessatthephysicallevelandhappinessatthementallevel?

“YourHoliness,manybelievethatasamonkyouhaverenouncedpleasureorenjoyment.”

“Andsex,”theDalaiLamaadded,althoughthatwasnotexactlywhereIwasgoing.

“What?”theArchbishopsaid.“Sex,sex,”theDalaiLamarepeated.“Didyoujustsaythat?”theArchbishopsaidincredulously.“Oh,oh,”theDalaiLamasaidwithalaugh,noticingtheArchbishop’s

surprise,andthenreachedovertoreassurehim,whichcausedtheArchbishoptoeruptinagleefulcackle.

“Soasidefromsex,”Isaid,tryingtobringusback,“haveyourenouncedpleasureandenjoyment?Isatnexttoyouatlunch,anditlookedlikeyouwerereallyenjoyingthewonderfulfood.Whatistheroleforyouofenjoyingthepleasuresoflife?”

“Ilovefood.Withoutfood,mybodycan’tsurvive.Youalso,”hesaid,turningtotheArchbishop,“can’tjustthinkGod,God,God.Icannotjustthinkaboutcompassion,compassion,compassion.Compassionwillnotfillmystomach.But,yousee,eachmealwehavetodeveloptheabilitytoconsumethemealwithoutattachment.”

“Huh?”theArchbishopasked,notquitefollowinghowtheDalaiLamawasusingtheBuddhisttermattachment,andperhapsalsonotquite

followinghowanyonecouldnotbeattachedtoone’sfood.“Noteatingoutofgreed,”theDalaiLamaexplained.“Eatingonlyfor

thesurvivalofthebody.Onemustthinkaboutthedeepervalueofnourishingthebody.”

AtoneofourmealstheDalaiLamahadshowedmehisbowlofTibetanriceandyogurtpuddingandsaid,“ThisistypicalTibetanmonk’sfood—Ilovethis.”Hewaseatingwithrelish.Therewassomethingdeeplyrelievingaboutknowingthatholinessdidn’trequirearejectionofthesimplejoysoflife,likeagoodmealandespeciallypudding.

Ifeltprettysurethathehadgottensomesignificantamountofpleasureoutofeatingthatdessert.Hewasclearlyexperiencingsomejoythroughhissenses.Iwonderedabouttheboundarybetweenenjoymentandgreed.Wasitthesecondorthirdhelping,andthereforeamatterofportionsize,orwasitamatterofattitudetowardeachbite?Jinpasharedwithmeawell-knownTibetanBuddhistprayerthatoftenissaidbeforeameal:“Viewingthismealasamedicine,Ishallenjoyitwithoutgreedoranger,notoutofgluttonynoroutofpride,nottofattenmyself,butonlytonourishmybody.”PerhapstheDalaiLamawassayingthateatingtonourishthebodydidnotrequireonetodenytheenjoymentandsatisfactionoftheexperience.

“Sonowtoyourquestion,”theDalaiLamasaid.“Whenwespeakofexperiencinghappiness,weneedtoknowthatthereareactuallytwodifferentkinds.Thefirstistheenjoymentofpleasurethroughoursenses.Here,sex,theexampleIcited,isonesuchexperience.Butwecanalsoexperiencehappinessatthedeeperlevelthroughourmind,suchasthroughlove,compassion,andgenerosity.Whatcharacterizeshappinessatthisdeeperlevelisthesenseoffulfillmentthatyouexperience.Whilethejoyofthesensesisbrief,thejoyatthisdeeperlevelismuchlongerlasting.Itistruejoy.

“AbelieverdevelopsthisdeeperlevelofjoythroughfaithinGod,whichbringsinnerstrength,innerpeace.Foranonbelieveroranontheistlikeme,wemustdevelopthisdeeperlevelofjoythroughtrainingthemind.Thiskindofjoyorhappinesscomesfromwithin.Thenthepleasuresofthesensesbecomelessimportant.

“Overthelastseveralyears,Ihavediscussedwithscientiststhisdistinctionbetweenthesensorylevelofpleasureandpainandthedeeperlevelofmentalhappinessandsuffering.Nowifwelookattoday’smaterialisticlifepeopleseemmainlyconcernedwithsensoryexperiences.Sothat’swhytheirsatisfactionisverylimitedandbrief,sincetheirexperienceofhappinessissodependentonexternalstimuli.Forexample,solongasthemusicisplaying,theyfeelhappy.”Hetiltedhisheadtothesidewithasmileasifappreciatingthemusic.“Whensomethinggoodishappening,theyarehappy.Goodfood,theyarehappy.Whenthesethingsstop,thentheyfeelbored,restless,andunhappy.Ofcoursethisisnothingnew.EveninthetimeoftheBuddha,peoplewouldfallintothetrapofthinkingthatsensoryexperiencewouldbringthemhappiness.

“Sowhenjoyarisesatthelevelofyourmindandnotjustyoursenses,youcanmaintainadeepsenseofsatisfactionforamuchlongerperiodoftime—evenfortwenty-fourhours.

“SoIalwayssaytopeople,youhavetopaymoreattentiontothementallevelofjoyandhappiness.Notjustphysicalpleasure,butsatisfactionatthelevelofmind.Thisistruejoyfulness.Whenyouarejoyfulandhappyatthementallevel,physicalpaindoesn’tmatterverymuch.Butifthereisnojoyorhappinessatthementallevel,toomuchworrying,toomuchfear,thenevenphysicalcomfortsandpleasurewillnotsootheyourmentaldiscomfort.”

“Manyofourreaders,”Isaid,“willunderstandwhatphysicalpleasureis,orthephysicaldimensionofjoyandhappiness.Theyknowhowagoodmealoragoodsongmakesthemfeel.Butwhatisthismentalhappinessormentalpleasurethatyou’retalkingaboutthatlastsfortwenty-fourhours?”

“Agenuinesenseofloveandaffection,”theDalaiLamasaid.“Doyouwakeupwiththisjoy?”Iasked.“Evenbeforecoffee?”“Ifyoudevelopastrongsenseofconcernforthewell-beingofall

sentientbeingsandinparticularallhumanbeings,thiswillmakeyouhappyinthemorning,evenbeforecoffee.

“Thisisthevalueofcompassion,ofhavingcompassionatefeelings

S

forothers.Even,yousee,tenminutesorthirtyminutesofmeditatingoncompassion,onkindnessforothers,andyouwillseeitseffectsallday.That’sthewaytomaintainacalmandjoyousmind.

“Everyonehashadtheexperienceofbeinginagoodmoodandsometroublecomes,andyoufeelokay.Whenyourmoodisreallybad,evenwhenyourclosestfriendcomes,youstillfeelunhappy.”

“DidyoufeelthatwaywhenIcame?”theArchbishopsaid,playfully.“ThatisexactlywhyIcametotheairporttoreceiveyou—soIcould

feelmoreunhappy...andmaketroubleforyou!”

•••

ciencehasatermfortheunsatisfactorynatureofpursuingpleasurealone:thehedonictreadmill,namedfortheGreekschoolofthought

thatbelievedpleasuretobetheultimategood.Throughouthistory,hedonismhashaditsadvocates,backtothebirthofwrittenculture.IntheGilgameshtale,Siduri,thefemaledivinityoffermentation(inotherwords,alcohol),admonishes,“Fillyourbelly.Dayandnightmakemerry.Letdaysbefullofjoy.Danceandmakemusicdayandnight...Thesethingsalonearetheconcernofmen.”EveninthedeeplyspiritualcultureofancientIndia,thesourceofmuchoftheDalaiLama’sTibetantradition,therewasahedonisticschoolknownasCharvaka.Inmanyways,hedonismisthedefaultphilosophyofmostpeopleandcertainlyhasbecomethedominantviewofconsumer“shoptillyoudrop”culture.

Yetscientistshavefoundthatthemoreweexperienceanypleasure,themorewebecomenumbtoitseffectsandtakeitspleasuresforgranted.Thefirstbowloficecreamissublime,thesecondbowltasty,andthethirdcausesindigestion.Itislikeadrugthatmustbetakeninever-greaterquantitiestoproducethesamehigh.Buttheredoesseemtobeonethingintheliteraturethatpowerfullyandlastinglychangesoursenseofwell-being.ItiswhattheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishophadbeenadvocatingthroughoutourfirstday:ourrelationships,andspecifically,ourexpressionofloveandgenerositytoothersinourlife.

RichardDavidson,theneuroscientistwithwhomIhadlunchinSan

Francisco,hasdrawntogethertheneuroimagingresearchintoaunifiedtheoryofthehappybrain.IwassofascinatedbywhathewassayingthatIcouldnotpayattentiontomyspringrolls,andthosespringrollswerereallygood,atleastonthephysicallevel.

Therearefourindependentbraincircuitsthatinfluenceourlastingwell-being,Davidsonexplained.Thefirstis“ourabilitytomaintainpositivestates.”Itmakessensethattheabilitytomaintainpositivestatesorpositiveemotionswoulddirectlyimpactone’sabilitytoexperiencehappiness.Thesetwogreatspiritualleadersweresayingthatthefastestwaytothisstateistostartwithloveandcompassion.

Thesecondcircuitisresponsiblefor“ourabilitytorecoverfromnegativestates.”Whatwasmostfascinatingtomewasthatthesecircuitsweretotallyindependent.Onecouldbegoodatmaintainingpositivestatesbuteasilyfallintoanabyssofanegativestatefromwhichonehadahardtimerecovering.Thatexplainedalotinmylife.

Thethirdcircuit,alsoindependentbutessentialtotheothers,is“ourabilitytofocusandavoidmind-wandering.”Thisofcoursewasthecircuitthatsomuchofmeditationexiststodevelop.Whetheritwasfocusingonone’sbreath,oramantra,ortheanalyticmeditationthattheDalaiLamadideachmorning,thisabilitytofocusone’sattentionwasfundamental.

Thefourthandfinalcircuitis“ourabilitytobegenerous.”Thatwasamazingtome:thatwehadanentirebraincircuit,oneoffour,devotedtogenerosity.Itisnowonderthatourbrainsfeelsogoodwhenwehelpothersorarehelpedbyothers,orevenwitnessothersbeinghelped,whichEkmanhaddescribedastheelevationthatisonedimensionofjoy.Therewasstrongandcompellingresearchthatwecomefactoryequippedforcooperation,compassion,andgenerosity.

JohnBargh,oneoftheworld’sleadingexpertsonthescienceoftheunconscious,describesitasoneofthreeinnate(andoftenunconscious)goals:tosurvive,toreproduce,andtocooperate.Inlabexperimentswhereeighteen-month-oldchildrenwereshowndollsfacingeachother,theyweremorecooperativethanthosewhowereshowndollswhowerefacingawayfromeachother.Thisunconsciousprime,whichcanbe

turnedonoroff,Barghargues,isoneinterestingexamplethatcooperationisadeepevolutionarydrivethatexistsfromourearliestdevelopment.

Perhapsmoresobering,ithasalsohardwiredustocooperatewithandbekindtothosewholooklikeourcaregivers,whopresumablykeptussafe.Wearemorewaryofotherswholookdifferent:thesearetheunconsciousrootsofprejudice.Ourempathydoesnotseemtoextendtothosewhoareoutsideour“group,”whichisperhapswhytheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamaareconstantlyremindingusthatweare,infact,onegroup—humanity.Nonetheless,theabilityanddesiretocooperateandtobegeneroustoothersisthereinourneuralcircuits,anditcanbeharnessedpersonally,socially,andglobally.

I

OurGreatestJoy

addressedthenextquestiontotheArchbishop.“Thejoythatyouaretalkingaboutisnotjustafeeling.It’snotsomethingthatjustcomesand

goes.It’ssomethingmuchmoreprofound.Anditsoundslikewhatyou’resayingisthatjoyisawayofapproachingtheworld.Manypeoplearewaitingforhappinessorjoy.Whentheygetajob,whentheyfallinlove,whentheygetrich,thentheywillbehappy,thentheywillhavejoy.Youaretalkingaboutsomethingthatisavailablerightnow,withoutwaitingforanything.”

TheArchbishopconsideredhisresponsecarefully.“Imeansimplytosaythatultimatelyourgreatestjoyiswhenweseektodogoodforothers.”Wasitreallythatstraightforward?Didwejustneedtostimulateandsatisfyourdedicatedbraincircuitofgenerosity?Asifanticipatingmyskepticism,theArchbishopcontinued,“It’showwearemade.Imeanwe’rewiredtobecompassionate.”Quiteliterallywired,Ithought,basedonDavidson’sresearch.

“Wearewiredtobecaringfortheotherandgeneroustooneanother.Weshrivelwhenwearenotabletointeract.Imeanthatispartofthereasonwhysolitaryconfinementissuchahorrendouspunishment.Wedependontheotherinorderforustobefullywhoweare.Ididn’tknowthatIwasgoingtocomesosoontotheconceptthatwehaveathome,theconceptofUbuntu.Itsays:Apersonisapersonthroughotherpersons.

“UbuntusayswhenIhaveasmallpieceofbread,itisformybenefitthatIshareitwithyou.Because,afterall,noneofuscameintotheworldonourown.Weneededtwopeopletobringusintotheworld.AndtheBiblethatweJewsandChristianssharetellsabeautifulstory.Godsays,‘ItisnotgoodforAdamtobealone.’Well,youcouldhavesaid,‘No,I’msorry,he’snotalone.Imean,therearetrees,thereareanimals,andtherearethebirds.Howcanyousayhe’salone?’

“Andyourealizethatinaveryrealsensewe’remeantforavery

profoundcomplementarity.Itisthenatureofthings.Youdon’thavetobeabelieverinanything.ImeanIcouldnotspeakasIamspeakingwithouthavinglearneditfromotherhumanbeings.Icouldnotwalkasahumanbeing.Icouldnotthinkasahumanbeing,exceptthroughlearningitfromotherhumanbeings.Ilearnedtobeahumanbeingfromotherhumanbeings.Webelonginthisdelicatenetwork.Itisactuallyquiteprofound.

“Unfortunately,inourworldwetendtobeblindtoourconnectionuntiltimesofgreatdisaster.WefindwestartcaringaboutpeopleinTimbuktu,whomwe’venevermetandwe’reprobablynevergoingtomeetthissideofdeath.Andyetwepouroutourhearts.Wegiveresourcestohelpthembecausewerealizethatwearebounduptogether.Weareboundupandcanbehumanonlytogether.”

IwasdeeplymovedbywhattheArchbishopwassaying,yetIcouldheartheskepticismthatsomereaderswouldhave,thatIhadhad.Mostpeopledonotwalkaroundthinkingabouthowtheycanhelpothers.Whetherwelikeitornot,mostpeoplearewakingupinthemorningwonderinghowtheyaregoingtomanagetodotheirjob,makeenoughmoneytopaythebills,andtakecareoftheirfamiliesandotherresponsibilities.“Niceguysfinishlast”isaphrasethatspeakstoourdeepambivalenceaboutkindnessandcompassionintheWest.Successinoursocietyismeasuredbymoney,power,fame,andinfluence.

Thesemenhadalloftheseexceptthefirst,butneitherwouldgohungry.Forspiritualleaders,ignoringmoneywasfine,butwhataboutforthosewholivedanddiedinthealmightymarketplace?Mostpeoplearenotaspiringtospiritualgreatnessorenlightenmentbuttopayfortheirchildren’seducationandmakeitthroughretirementwithoutrunningoutofmoney.IchuckledatthememoryofvisitingthehouseofsomefriendsoutsideofLasVegas.Itwasabeautifulhome,actuallymorelikeaPersianestate,withmultiplebuildingswithfountainsandflowingchannelsofwater.ItwasreminiscentofthegreatstructuresofIslamiccivilization.IwasthereforadiscussionoftheArchbishop’slegacy,andwhenhearrivedandwitnessedthebeautyandgrandeuroftheplace,hehadsmiledandsaidcheekily,“Iwaswrong—Idowanttoberich.”

W

“Asyoujustmentioned,”theDalaiLamaadded,gettingquiteanimated,“peoplethinkaboutmoneyorfameorpower.Fromthepointofviewofone’sownpersonalhappiness,theseareshortsighted.Thereality,astheArchbishopmentioned,isthathumanbeingsaresocialanimals.Oneindividual,nomatterhowpowerful,howclever,cannotsurvivewithoutotherhumanbeings.Sothebestwaytofulfillyourwishes,toreachyourgoals,istohelpothers,tomakemorefriends.

“Howdowecreatemorefriends?”henowaskedrhetorically.“Trust.Howdoyoudeveloptrust?It’ssimple:Youshowyourgenuinesenseofconcernfortheirwell-being.Thentrustwillcome.Butifbehindanartificialsmile,orabigbanquet,isaself-centeredattitudedeepinsideofyou,thentherewillneverbetrust.Ifyouarethinkinghowtoexploit,howtotakeadvantageofthem,thenyoucanneverdeveloptrustinothers.Withouttrust,thereisnofriendship.Wehumanbeingsaresocialanimals,aswe’vesaid,andweneedfriends.Genuinefriends.Friendsformoney,friendsforpowerareartificialfriends.”

TheArchbishopjumpedin.“ThisGodiscommunity,fellowship.BeingcreatedbythisGod,wearecreatedinordertoflourish.Andweflourishincommunity.Whenwebecomeself-centered,turninginonourselves,assureasanything,wearegoingtofindonedayadeep,deep,deepfrustration.”

•••

eareleftwithaparadox.Ifoneofthefundamentalsecretsofjoyisgoingbeyondourownself-centeredness,thenisitfoolish

selfishness(astheDalaiLamawouldsay)andself-defeatingtofocusonourownjoyandhappiness?TheArchbishophadalreadysaidthatwecouldnotpursuejoyandhappinessintheirownright,soisitnotamistaketofocusonthematall?

Researchsuggeststhatcultivatingyourownjoyandhappinesshasbenefitsnotjustforyou,butalsoforothersinyourlife.Whenweareabletomovebeyondourownpainandsuffering,wearemoreavailabletoothers;paincausesustobeextremelyself-focused.Whetherthepain

isphysicalormental,itseemstoconsumeallofourfocusandleaveverylittleattentionforothers.InhisbookwiththeDalaiLama,psychiatristHowardCutlersummarizedthesefindings:“Infact,surveyaftersurveyhasshownthatitisunhappypeoplewhotendtobemostself-focusedandaresociallywithdrawn,brooding,andevenantagonistic.Happypeople,incontrast,aregenerallyfoundtobemoresociable,flexible,andcreative,andareabletotoleratelife’sdailyfrustrationsmoreeasilythanunhappypeople.And,mostimportant,theyarefoundtobemorelovingandforgivingthanunhappypeople.”

Stillsomemightwonderwhatourownjoyhastodowithcounteringinjusticeandinequality.Whatdoesourhappinesshavetodowithaddressingthesufferingoftheworld?Inshort,themorewehealourownpain,themorewecanturntothepainofothers.Butinasurprisingway,whattheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamaweresayingisthatthewaywehealourownpainisactuallybyturningtothepainofothers.Itisavirtuouscycle.Themoreweturntowardothers,themorejoyweexperience,andthemorejoyweexperience,themorewecanbringjoytoothers.Thegoalisnotjusttocreatejoyforourselvesbut,astheArchbishoppoeticallyphrasedit,“tobeareservoirofjoy,anoasisofpeace,apoolofserenitythatcanrippleouttoallthosearoundyou.”Aswewillsee,joyisinfactquitecontagious.Asislove,compassion,andgenerosity.

Sobeingmorejoyfulisnotjustabouthavingmorefun.We’retalkingaboutamoreempathic,moreempowered,evenmorespiritualstateofmindthatistotallyengagedwiththeworld.WhentheArchbishopandIwereworkingoncreatingatrainingcourseforpeaceambassadorsandactivistswhogointoconflictregions,heexplainedhowpeacemustcomefromwithin.Wecannotbringpeaceifwedonothaveinnerpeace.Similarly,wecannothopetomaketheworldabetter,happierplaceifwedonotalsoaspireforthisinourownlives.Iwaseagertohearabouthowwedealwiththeinevitableobstaclestojoy,butIknewthatwouldneedtowaitforthenextday.Therewastimeforonlyonebriefquestionbeforelunch.

IaskedtheDalaiLamawhatitwasliketowakeupwithjoy,andhe

sharedhisexperienceeachmorning.“Ithinkifyouareanintenselyreligiousbeliever,assoonasyouwakeup,youthankGodforanotherday.AndyoutrytodoGod’swill.Foranontheistlikemyself,butwhoisaBuddhist,assoonasIwakeup,IrememberBuddha’steaching:theimportanceofkindnessandcompassion,wishingsomethinggoodforothers,oratleasttoreducetheirsuffering.ThenIrememberthateverythingisinterrelated,theteachingofinterdependence.SothenIsetmyintentionfortheday:thatthisdayshouldbemeaningful.Meaningfulmeans,ifpossible,serveandhelpothers.Ifnotpossible,thenatleastnottoharmothers.That’sameaningfulday.”

T

Lunch:TheMeetingofTwoMischievousPeopleIsWonderful

heDalaiLama’saudienceroomhadbeentransformedintoadiningroom.AtthefarendwasanornategoldenBuddhaencasedina

colorfulwoodenbox.Thewallswerehungwiththangkas,brightlypaintedsilkscrollsthatdepictedimagesoftheBuddhaandotherBuddhistfigures.Theyweretraditionallyhungonthewallsofmonasteriesforbriefperiodsoftimetoinspiremeditativepractice.Theywereusedtoencouragepractitionersalongthepathofenlightenment.

ThewindowswerecoveredwithwhitelacecurtainsandthetablewassetforlunchwithbasketsofTibetanflatbreadandboxedjuicecontainers.Thewholesettingwassimple,almostlikeapicnic,andthemealwastypicalTibetanfoodfromtheDalaiLama’skitchen.Therewerenoodlesandvegetablesandmomos,thefamedTibetansteameddumplings.

TheDalaiLamaandArchbishopTutusatacrossfromeachother.AsIsatnexttotheDalaiLamaIcouldfeelinhispostureandhisbodylanguagethepowerofaleader.Irememberedhowstronglyandtenderlyhehadheldmyhandthefirsttimewemet.Hiskindnessdidnotinanywaydiminishhispower,avaluablereminderthatcompassionisafeatureofstrength,notweakness,apointtheywouldmakethroughoutourconversations.

WhentheDalaiLamagreetsyou,hetakesyourhandandthenrubsittenderly,asagrandparentmight.Helooksintoyoureyes,feelsdeeplywhatyouarefeeling,andtoucheshisforeheadtoyours.Whateverfeeling,elationoranguish,isinyourheartandreflectedonyourface,itismirroredinhis.Butthenwhenhemeetsthenextperson,thoseemotionsaregoneandheiswhollyavailableforthenextencounterandthenextmoment.Perhapsthatiswhatitmeanstobefullypresent,

availableforeachmomentandeachpersonweencounter,untetheredbytheruminatingmemoriesofthepastandnotluredbytheanticipatoryworryaboutthefuture.

Thelunchbeganbyreturningtothethemeofbirthdays,aging,andmortality.

“IwenttoseeaGermanspecialistforknees,”theDalaiLamasaid.“Hefoundmyphysicalconditionverygood.Andthenhetoldmemykneesweretheproblem.Hesaidyouarenoteighteenyearsoldbuteightyyearsold,sonothingmuchcanbedone.Ireallyfeltthatwasagreatteaching.Itisveryimportanttothinkaboutimpermanence.HeremindsmeI’meightyyearsold.That’swonderful.But,myfriend,youareevenolderthanme.”

“Areyoushowingoff?”theArchbishopsaid.“Myownkitchenmadethis,”theDalaiLamasaidasheoffereda

pieceofbreadtohishonoredguest.“YouputyourfingersonthebreadandthinkIshouldeatit?”

Archbishopresponded.“Ilikethisone,”ArchbishopTutusaid,passingoverthemultigrainforthewhitebread,glancingoverathisAmericandoctorwithasmile.

“Themediaattheairportsaid,‘YoumustbeveryhappytohaveArchbishopTutuvisiting,’”theDalaiLamasaid.“Itoldthem,‘Yes,indeed,Iamveryhappy.Iamreceivingoneofmyverygoodfriends.Firstly,onthehumanlevel,heisaverygoodhumanbeing.Secondly,heisareligiousleader,aseriouspractitionerwhorespectsdifferentreligioustraditions.Thenthirdly,andmostimportantly,heismyvery,veryclosefriend.’”

“Youarejustflatteringme.”“SothenItoldthemthatyouoftenusedtodescribemeasa

mischievouspersonandsoIsaidIalsoconsideryouamischievousperson.Themeetingoftwomischievouspeopleiswonderful.So,veryhappyreunion.”Theybothlaughed.

NowtheArchbishopcrossedhimselfandsaidaprayerbeforeeatinghisbread.

“Isitokay?Temperatureisokay?”theDalaiLamaasked.Itdidnot

T

matterthathewasagreatspiritualleader,theformerheadoftheTibetannation,andthereincarnationoftheBodhisattvaofCompassiontothedevout;atthismoment,hewasthehost,andhewasconcernedwithwhetherhisguestswerehappywiththemeal.

“Thankyouverymuch,”theArchbishopsaid.“Thankyouforwelcomingusandthankyouforthelunchandthankyouforputtingallthosepeoplealongtheroadtowelcomeus.”Helaughed.“Thesoupisdelicious.”

IhaveneverseenArchbishopTutumissanopportunitytothanksomeoneorappreciatewhathehasbeengiven.Hewilloftenstopanentireproductionoraneventtoacknowledgeallthatarepresent.

“Thissoupisbeautiful,”theArchbishopsaid,fendingoffthemonkswhoweretryingtoservehimmorefood.Everyoneelsewasalmostthroughwiththeirmeals,andhewasstillsippinghissoup.“It’slovely.Please,please,thisisallI’mgoingtohave.I’mgoinglaterontothedessert—Imean—thefruitsalad.”Thenseeingthaticecreamwasnowbeingoffered,helaughed.“Yes,okay,maybealittleicecream.”Hewasswayinghisheadfromsidetoside,balancinghishealthontheonesideandhissweettoothontheother.TheArchbishopisabigfanoficecream,especiallyrumraisin,andwhenhestayedwithRachelandme,hisofficekindlytoldushisfoodpreferences:chickeninsteadoffish,rumandCoke—nowgivenupforthosepeskyhealthreasons—andrumraisinicecream.Rumraisinicecreamwasnotaneasyflavortofindoutsideoftheholidays,butwefinallyfoundagalloncontainerinthedeepfreezerofanicecreamwarehouse.TheArchbishophadthreewell-enjoyedbitesforonedessert,andweatetherestofthegallonformonths.

•••

heconversationtransitionedtothetopicsofbringingtogethertheirtworeligioustraditions,thegreatchallengeofreligiousconflict,and

theneedfortolerance.TheDalaiLamabeganbysayingit’snotpossibleforeveryonetobeaChristianoraBuddhist.“There’snootherchoicebutforfollowersoftheworld’sreligionstoaccepttherealityofotherfaiths.

Wehavetolivetogether.Inordertolivehappily,wemustrespecteachother’straditions.Ireallyadmireothertraditions.”

“KofiAnnan,whenhewasinhislastyear,setupacommission,”theArchbishopadded.“TheycalledittheHighLevelPanel,aratherpompoustitle.Wewerefromalltraditions,anddespiteourdiversity,weproducedaunanimousreport.Weconcluded,‘Thereisnothingwrongwithfaiths.Theproblemisthefaithful.’”

“That’strue,that’strue,”theDalaiLamaagreed.Iaskedwhatwemustdoaboutintoleranceandfanaticism,whichwas

flaringallaroundtheworld.“Educationandwidercontactarereallytheonlysolutions,”theDalai

Lamareplied.“Ihavegonetomakepilgrimagestoholysitesallovertheworld—suchasFátimainPortugal,theWailingWallandDomeoftheRockinJerusalem.OnetimeIwasinBarcelona,Spain,andImetaChristianmonkwhohadspentfiveyearsinthemountainslivingasahermit—withveryfewhotmeals.Iaskedhimwhathispracticewas,andhesaidthepracticeoflove.Whenheanswered,therewassomethingveryspecialinhiseyes.Thisisreallythepracticeatthecoreofalltheworld’sreligions—love.Ididn’tthinktomyselfwhenImetthisholyman:‘Unfortunatelyhe’snotaBuddhist,’or‘It’stoobadhe’saChristian.’”

“Ioftensaytopeople,‘Doyoureallythinkthat...’”theArchbishopbegan.ButtheDalaiLamahadturnedtooneofthemonkswhowasservingfood.TheArchbishoppretendedtoscoldhim:“Areyoulistening?”

TheDalaiLama,whohadmissedtheArchbishop’scomment,launchedinwith,“So,thatshows,really...”

TheArchbishopcontinuedtopretendthathewasoffended.“Yousee?He’snotlistening.”

“Unlessyouusethestick,Iwillnotlisten,”theDalaiLamasaid,laughing.

“ButIthoughtyouwerenonviolent!”“Now,please,youspeakmore.Ishouldconcentrateoneating.Thisis

mylastmealoftheday.”IntheBuddhistmonastictradition,theDalaiLamaeatsonlytwomealsaday,breakfastandlunch.

“Okay.AsIwassaying,doyoureallythinkthatwhen—Ididn’tsayif;Isaidwhen—theDalaiLamaarrivesinheaven,thatGodwillsay,‘Oh,DalaiLama,you’vebeensowonderful.WhatapityyouarenotaChristian.You’llhavetogotothewarmerplace.’Everybodyseesjusthowentirelyridiculousitis.”TheArchbishoppausedandthen,inaveryintimatemomentoffriendshipsaid,“Ithinkoneofthebestthingsthateverhappenedtomewasmeetingyou.”

TheDalaiLamasmiledandthenstartedtotellanotherstory.“Ithoughtyouweregoingtotrytoeat!”theArchbishopsaid.TheDalaiLamachortledandwentbacktohisdessert.“Yes,butyouhavebeenawonderfulinfluenceintheworld,”the

Archbishopcontinued.“Therearemany,manypeoplethatyouhavehelpedtobecomegoodpeople,andpeopleofdifferentreligions,peopleofdifferentfaiths.Theycansee,theycansense—becauseIdon’tthinkitiswhatyousay,although,yes,whatyousayisokay...sortofacceptable.Scientistsalsothinkyouareclever,butitisreallywhoyouare.Ithinkeverywhereintheworldyougo,peopleareawarethatyouareauthentic.You’renotputtingiton.Youlivewhatyouteach,andyouhavehelpedvery,very,verymanypeoplerecoverabeliefintheirfaiths,abeliefalsoingoodness.Youarepopularnotjustwitholdpeoplebutalsowithyoungpeople.I’vesaidthatyouandNelsonMandelaaretheonlypeoplethatIcanthinkofwhoarenotpopstarsandwhocouldfillCentralParkasyoudo.Imeanwhenpeopleknowthatyouaregoingtocomeandspeak,theycomeindroves.Sothethingwesay,aboutourworldbeingasecularworldandallofthat,isonlypartlytrue.”

TheDalaiLamawavedhishands,dismissinghisrankorspecialness.“Ialwaysconsidermyselfpersonallyoneofthesevenbillionhumanbeings.Nothingspecial.So,onthatlevel,Ihavetriedtomakepeopleawarethattheultimatesourceofhappinessissimplyahealthybodyandawarmheart.”

Ashespoke,Iwondered,whythisissodifficultforustobelieveandtoacton?Itshouldbeobviousthatwearethesame,butoftenwefeelseparate.Thereissomuchisolationandalienation.CertainlyIhadgrownupfeelingthiswayinNewYorkCity,whichatthetimewasthemost

populatedplaceintheworld.“Everybodywantsahappylife—andourindividualhappylife

dependsonahappyhumanity.Sowehavetothinkabouthumanity,discoverasenseofonenessofallsevenbillionhumanbeings.

“Teaorcoffee?”theDalaiLamasaid,onceagainreturningfromthespiritualteachertothehost.

“I’vegotjuice,thankyou,”theArchbishopreplied.“YouwereraisedwithaveryspecialstatusinTibet.Youmusthavecometothisrecognitionofonenessovertime.”

“Yes,Ihavegrowninmywisdomfromstudyandexperience.WhenIfirstwenttoPeking,nowBeijing,tomeetChineseleaders,andalsoin1956whenIcametoIndiaandmetsomeIndianleaders,therewastoomuchformality,soIfeltnervous.Sonow,whenImeetpeople,Idoitonahuman-to-humanlevel,noneedforformality.Ireallyhateformality.Whenweareborn,thereisnoformality.Whenwedie,thereisnoformality.Whenweenterhospital,thereisnoformality.Soformalityisjustartificial.Itjustcreatesadditionalbarriers.Soirrespectiveofourbeliefs,weareallthesamehumanbeings.Weallwantahappylife.”Icouldn’thelpwonderingiftheDalaiLama’sdislikeofformalityhadtodowithhavingspenthischildhoodinagildedcage.

“Wasitonlywhenyouwentintoexile,”Iasked,“thattheformalityended?”

“Yes,that’sright.SosometimesIsay,SinceIbecamearefugee,Ihavebeenliberatedfromtheprisonofformality.SoIbecamemuchclosertoreality.That’smuchbetter.IoftenteasemyJapanesefriendsthatthereistoomuchformalityintheirculturaletiquette.Sometimeswhenwediscusssomething,theyalwaysrespondlikethis.”TheDalaiLamavigorouslynoddedhishead.“Sowhethertheyagreeordisagree,Icannottell.Theworstthingistheformallunches.Ialwaysteasethemthatthemeallookslikedecoration,notlikefood.Everythingisverybeautiful,butverysmallportions!Idon’tcareaboutformality,soIaskthem,morerice,morerice.Toomuchformality,thenyouareleftwithaverylittleportion,whichismaybegoodforabird.”Hewasscoopingupthelastbitsofdessert.

“Everybodymaywanttobehappy,”Ioffered,“butthechallengeisalotofpeopledon’tknowhow.Youweretalkingabouttheimportanceofbeingwarmhearted,butalotofpeopleareshyorhaveahardtimeopeninguptootherpeople.Theygetscared.They’reafraidofrejection.You’vespokenaboutwhenyouapproachpeoplewithtrust,thenitinspirestrustinthemaswell.”

“That’sright.Genuinefriendshipisentirelybasedontrust,”theDalaiLamaexplained.“Ifyoureallyfeelasenseofconcernforthewell-beingofothers,thentrustwillcome.That’sthebasisoffriendship.Wearesocialanimals.Weneedfriends.Ithink,fromthetimeofourbirthtillourdeath,friendsareveryimportant.

“Scientistshavefoundthatweneedlovetosurvive.Ourmothersshowtremendousloveandaffectiontouswhenweareborn.Manyscientistssaythatafterbirth,thereareanumberofweekswhenthemother’sphysicaltouchisthekeyfactortodevelopingthebrainproperly.Afterbirth,ifthechildisisolatedwithoutthemotherorphysicaltouch,itcanbeveryharmful.Thisisnothingtodowithreligion.Thisisbiology.Weneedlove.”

TheDalaiLamahadfirstheardaboutthisresearchinthe1980sfromthelatebiologistRobertLivingston,wholaterbecamehisbiology“tutor.”ChildneurologistandneuroscientistTallieBaramhasconductedoneofthemorerecentexamplesofthisimportantfieldofresearch.Shefoundthatamother’scaresstriggersactivitythatimprovescognitionandresiliencetostressinababy’sdevelopingbrain.Themother’stouchcouldliterallypreventthereleaseofstresshormonesthathavebeenshowntoleadtothedisintegrationofdendriticspines,branchlikestructuresontheneuronsthatareimportanttothesendingandreceivingofmessagesandtheencodingofmemory.

“Mymotherwasatwin,”Isaid.“Andshewasbornprematurely,atjusttwoandhalfpounds,andshewasinanincubatorfortwomonthswithoutanyhumantouch.”

“Diditaffecther?”ArchbishopTutuasked.“Ithinkitaffectedherveryprofoundly.”“Nowtheyhave—whatdotheycallit?”ArchbishopTutusaid.“A

kangaroopouch.MywifeLeahandIarepatronsofachildren’shospitalinCapeTown,andonedaywewerevisitingthere,andthismassiveguywascarryingaroundtheminutestbabytiedtohischestsothebabycouldfeelhisheartbeat,andtheysaidthosebabieshavebeenshowntodomuchbetter.”

MphoaskedifIstillhadthepictureofmyowntwindaughtersjustaftertheywerebornprematurely,whentheywereintheneonatalintensivecareunit.Oneofourdaughtershadhadaprolapsedcord,whichwasblockingherfromdescendingthroughthebirthcanal,andherheartbeatandoxygenlevelwereplummeting.Theobstetrician,asshewastryingtouseavacuumextractoronourdaughter’shead,hadtoldRachelthatshehadonemorepushtogetthebabyoutortheywouldhavetodoanemergencycesarean.Elianawasalreadyinthebirthcanal,soacesareanwasnoguaranteeofasafedelivery.

Asadoctor,Rachelknew,asIdid,thateverysecondcounted,asEliana’soxygenlevelwasgettingdangerouslylow.I’veneverwitnessedanythinglikethestrengthRachelhadexhibitedasshethrewherselfheadlongintothepainandwrenchedeveryounceofmaternalwillfromherbodytopushourdaughterout.Elianawasbornblue,unresponsive,andnotbreathing.HerApgarscorewasone—outoften—whichmeantshewasbarelyalive.

Shewasrushedtothecrashcart,wherethedoctorstriedtoreviveher,andtoldRacheltospeaktoherbaby,thevoiceofthemotherhavinganalmostmagicalhealingeffect,eveninthehigh-riskoperatingroom.Wewaitedforthelongestmomentsofourlivesasthedoctorstriedtobringheraround,preparingtointubateher.Andthen,inamomentofunspeakablejoyandrelief,Elianasputtered,tookherfirstbreath,andbegantocrywithlife.Therestofus,includingtheobstetrician,wereweepingtearsofjoy.

AfterEliana’straumaticbirth,thetwinsweretakentotheneonatalintensivecareunitatthehospital.WhenIwalkedinshortlyafter,theywerelyingsidebyside,holdinghands.

Theimportanceofloveforoursurvival,whichtheDalaiLamawasdescribing,wasnotabstracttome,havingwitnessedthemotherlovethat

savedourdaughter’slifeandthatallowsusalltosurvive.“Oh,lovely,”theArchbishopsaid,imaginingtheimage.

“It’sbiology,”saidtheDalaiLama.“Allmammals,includinghumans,haveaspecialbondwiththeirmother.Withoutthemother’scare,theyoungsterwilldie.That’safact.”

“Eveniftheydon’tdie,theycangrowintoaHitlerbecausetheyhavethishugesenseoflack,”theArchbishopsaid.

“IthinkwhenHitlerwasveryyoung,”theDalaiLamacountered,“healsowasthesameastheotherchildren.”Thiswasthefirsttimetheydisagreedinmorethanmischievousplay.“Ithinkhismothershowedaffectiontohim,orhewouldhavedied.”FamilymembersrecountthatKlaraHitlerwasindeedadevotedmother,althoughHitler’sfatherapparentlywasallegedlyabusive.“So,”theDalaiLamacontinued,“eventodaytheseterroristsalsoreceivedmaximumaffectionfromtheirmothers.Soeventheseterrorists,deepinside...”

“IthinkIhavetotakeissuewithyouonthat,”theArchbishopresponded.“Thepeoplewhogoaroundbecomingbulliesarepeoplewhohaveamassivesenseofinsecurity,whowanttoprovethattheyaresomebody,oftenbecausetheydidnotgetenoughlove.”

“Ithink,yes,circumstances,environment,educationallmatter,”theDalaiLamareplied.“Especiallytoday;thereisnotmuchfocusoninnervaluesineducation.Then,insteadofinnervalues,webecomeself-centered—alwaysthinking:I,I,I.Aself-centeredattitudebringsasenseofinsecurityandfear.Distrust.Toomuchfearbringsfrustration.Toomuchfrustrationbringsanger.Sothat’sthepsychology,thesystemofmind,ofemotion,whichcreatesachainreaction.Withaself-centeredattitude,youbecomedistancedfromothers,thendistrust,thenfeelinsecure,thenfear,thenanxiety,thenfrustration,thenanger,thenviolence.”

ItwasfascinatingtoheartheDalaiLamadescribetheprocessofmindthatleadstofear,alienation,andultimatelytoviolence.IpointedoutthatsooftenourparentingintheWestistoofocusedonourchildren,andtheirneedsalone,ratherthanhelpingthemtolearntocareforothers.TheDalaiLamaresponded,“Yes,thereistoomuchself-centerednessalso

amongparents—‘mychildren,mychildren.’That’sbiasedlove.Weneedunbiasedlovetowardentirehumanity,entiresentientbeings,irrespectiveofwhattheirattitudeistowardus.Soyourenemiesarestillhumanbrothersandsisters,sotheyalsodeserveourlove,ourrespect,ouraffection.That’sunbiasedlove.Youmighthavetoresistyourenemies’actions,butyoucanlovethemasbrothersandsisters.Onlywehumanbeingscandothiswithourhumanintelligence.Otheranimalscannotdothis.”

Havingknownthefierceandfocusedloveofparenthood,Iwonderedifitwastrulypossibletoloveotherswiththatsamelove.Couldwereallyextendthatcircleofcaretomanyothersandnotjustourownfamily?Amonasticcouldfocusalltheirloveonhumanity,butaparenthasachildtoraise.IimaginedthatwhattheDalaiLamawassayingmightbeanaspirationforhumanity,butwasitarealisticone?Perhapswewouldnotbeabletoloveotherchildrenasmuchasweloveourown,butmaybewecouldextendthatlovebeyonditstypicalboundaries.IwonderedwhattheArchbishop,whowasalsoafather,mightsay,butbynoweveryonehadfinishedlunch.

Wewouldreturntotheelasticityofloveandcompassionlaterintheweek,buttomorrowwewouldbegindiscussingtheobstaclestojoy,fromstressandanxietytoadversityandillness,andhowwemightbeabletoexperiencejoyeveninthefaceoftheseinevitablechallenges.

Days2and3

The Obstacles to Joy

IYouAreaMasterpieceintheMaking

tisverysimple,”theDalaiLamabegan.“Everyoneknowsthatphysicalpainisbadandtriestoavoidit.Wedothisnotonlybycuring

diseases,butalsobytryingtopreventthemandbytryingtokeepourphysicalimmunitystrong.Mentalpainisequallybad,soweshouldtrytoalleviateitaswell.Thewaytodothisistodevelopmentalimmunity.”

Wehadstartedourseconddayofdialoguesandwereturningtotheobstaclestojoy.Thesubjectofthedialogueswashowtodiscoverjoyinthefaceofsuffering,andweknewwe’dneedtwofulldaystodiscussallofthewaysthatwesuffer.AstheDalaiLamahadsaidthedaybefore,somuchofourunhappinessoriginateswithinourownmindandheart—inhowwereacttoeventsinourlife.

“Mentalimmunity,”theDalaiLamaexplained,“isjustlearningtoavoidthedestructiveemotionsandtodevelopthepositiveones.First,wemustunderstandthemind—therearesomanydifferentstatesofmind—thediversethoughtsandemotionsweexperienceonadailybasis.Someofthesethoughtsandemotionsareharmful,eventoxic,whileothersarehealthyandhealing.Theformerdisturbourmindandcausemuchmentalpain.Thelatterbringustruejoyfulness.

“Whenweunderstandthisreality,itismucheasiertodealwiththemindandtotakepreventivemeasures.Thisishowwedevelopmentalimmunity.Andjustasahealthyimmunesystemandhealthyconstitutionprotectsyourbodyagainstpotentiallyhazardousvirusesandbacteria,mentalimmunitycreatesahealthydispositionofthemindsothatitwillbelesssusceptibletonegativethoughtsandfeelings.

“Thinkaboutitthisway.Ifyourhealthisstrong,whenvirusescometheywillnotmakeyousick.Ifyouroverallhealthisweak,evensmallviruseswillbeverydangerousforyou.Similarly,ifyourmentalhealthissound,thenwhendisturbancescome,youwillhavesomedistressbutquicklyrecover.Ifyourmentalhealthisnotgood,thensmall

disturbances,smallproblemswillcauseyoumuchpainandsuffering.Youwillhavemuchfearandworry,muchsadnessanddespair,andmuchangerandaggravation.

“Peoplewouldliketobeabletotakeapillthatmakestheirfearandanxietygoawayandmakesthemimmediatelyfeelpeaceful.Thisisimpossible.Onemustdevelopthemindovertimeandcultivatementalimmunity.Oftenpeopleaskmeforthequickestandbestsolutiontoaproblem.Again,thisisimpossible.Youcanhavequickestoryoucanhavebestsolution,butnotboth.Thebestsolutiontooursufferingismentalimmunity,butittakestimetodevelop.

“OnetimeIwastalkingwithAlGore,theAmericanvicepresident.Hesaidthathehadlotsofproblems,lotsofdifficultiesthatwerecausinghimagreatdealofanxiety.Isaidtohimthatwehumanbeingshavetheabilitytomakeadistinctionbetweentherationallevelandtheemotionallevel.Attherationallevel,weacceptthatthisisaseriousproblemthatwehavetodealwith,butatthedeeper,emotionallevel,weareabletokeepcalm.Liketheoceanhasmanywavesonthesurfacebutdeepdownitisquitecalm.Thisispossibleifweknowhowtodevelopmentalimmunity.”

“Yes,”theArchbishopreplied,“youhaveansweredverywell.Youalwaysanswerwell,butyouhavedonethisonequitewell.TheonlythingIthinkisthatpeoplesometimesgetquiteannoyedwiththemselvesunnecessarily,especiallywhentheyhavethoughtsandfeelingsthatarereallyquitenatural.

“Basically,”theArchbishopcontinued,“Ithinkwe’vegottoacceptourselvesasweare.AndthenhopetogrowinmuchthewaytheDalaiLamadescribed.Imeangettingtoknowwhatthethingsarethattriggerus.Thesearethingsthatyoucantrain,youcanchange,butweoughtnottobeashamedofourselves.Wearehuman,andsometimesitisagoodthingthatwerecognizethatwehavehumanemotions.Nowthethingisbeingabletosay,whenisitappropriate?”

Throughouttheweekofdialogues,theArchbishopsaidmanytimesthatweshouldnotberateourselvesforournegativethoughtsandemotions,thattheyarenaturalandunavoidable.Theyareonlymade

moreintense,heargued,bytheglueofguiltandshamewhenwethinkweshouldnothavethem.TheDalaiLamaagreedthathumanemotionsarenatural,buthedidargueaboutwhethertheyareunavoidable.Mentalimmunity,heexplained,isthewaytoavoidthem.

FormonthsafterourtimeinDharamsalaIwrestledwiththisseemingdisagreement:Isitpossibletotrulypreventnegativethoughtsandemotions,todevelopwhattheDalaiLamawascalling“mentalimmunity”?Orarethesethoughtsandemotionsinevitable,andshouldwe,astheArchbishopwassuggesting,justacceptthemandforgiveourselvesforhavingthem?

Finally,aftermanydiscussionswithpsychologicalexperts,itbecameclearthateachpositionwasvalidandsimplyreflectedadifferentstageinthecycleofemotionallife.Throughself-inquiryandmeditation,wecandiscoverthenatureofourmindandlearntosootheouremotionalreactivity.Thiswillleaveuslessvulnerabletothedestructiveemotionsandthoughtpatternsthatcauseussomuchsuffering.Thisistheprocessofdevelopingmentalimmunity.

TheArchbishopwassimplyremindingusthatevenwiththisimmunity,therewillbetimeswhenwewillhavenegativeordestructiveemotions,andwhenthisdoeshappen,thelastthingwewanttodoisjudgeourselvesharshly.

Inotherwords,theDalaiLamawassayingthatifweeathealthy,takeourvitamins,andgetenoughrest,wecanstayhealthy,andtheArchbishopwassaying,“Yes,evenso,therewillbetimeswhenwewillcatchacold,andweshouldnotmakeitworsebybeatinguponourselves.”

Sohowdowedealwiththeseobstaclestojoy—theinevitablesourcesofsuffering,bothinternalandexternal—thatcausesomuchpainandanguishinourlives,whentheydoarise?Theserangefromtheeverydaytroublesofstress,frustration,andworrytothelife-definingexperiencesofadversity,illness,andultimatelyhavingtofacedeath.Wecannotcontroltheinevitabilityoftheseoccurrences,butbothmenagreedthatwecouldinfluencetheireffectinourlifebyadjustingtheattitudewetaketowardthem.

Thefirststepistoaccepttherealityofsuffering.TheBuddhaissupposedtohavesaid,“Ihavetaughtonethingandonethingonly:sufferingandthecessationofsuffering.”ThefirstNobleTruthofBuddhismisthatlifeisfilledwithsuffering.TheSanskritwordforsufferingisdukkha(nottobeconfusedwiththenuttyandverytastyEgyptiancondimentdukka).

Dukkhacanbetranslatedas“stress,”“anxiety,”“suffering,”or“dissatisfaction.”Itisoftendescribedasthementalandphysicalsufferingthatoccursinlife,illness,andaging.Itisalsodescribedasthestressandanxietythatarisefromtheattempttocontrolwhatisfundamentallyimpermanentandunabletobecontrolled.Wetrytocontrolthemoment,whichresultsinourfeelingthatwhatishappeningshouldnotbehappening.Somuchofwhatcausesheartacheisourwantingthingstobedifferentthantheyare.“Ithink,inmanycases,”theDalaiLamaexplained,“youdevelopsomesortofunhappiness,somediscontent,whichleadstofrustrationandanger.”

Whilestressandfrustrationmaysoundlikesuperficialproblemsorcomplaints,theBuddhaidentifiedthemasthecoreofsomuchofourunnecessary,orcreated,suffering.IwasremindedofwhattheDalaiLamahadsaidonourfirstday:Wecannotendnaturaldisastersorthesufferingtheycause,butsomuchoftherestofoursufferingwecan.

Dukkha,orsuffering,istheoppositeofsukha,whichmeanshappiness,ease,orcomfort.BothwordsaresaidtohaveoriginatedfromtheancientAryanswhobroughttheSanskritlanguagetoIndia.TheseAryanswereanomadicpeoplewhotraveledbyhorse-orox-drawncarts,andthewordsliterallymean“havingabad(orgood)axle.”Wasitabumpyride(dukkha),orasmoothride(sukha)?Notabadmetaphorforlife.Whatissufferingbutabumpyride?Everylifeisruttedandnoonecanavoidsomeinevitablebumps,butsomuchisdeterminedbyourownperceptionoftheride.Ourmindistheaxlethatoftendetermineswhetherweexperiencetherideasbumpyorsmooth.

ThispointwasbroughthometomeinaratherliteralwaywhenIwenttoDharamsalainJanuary,severalmonthsbeforethedialogues,withPeggyCallahan.Peggywasresponsibleforfilmingtheweekin

Dharamsala,andwewenttopreparefortheAprilvisit.Ourreturnflightfromthecloud-coveredDharamsalaairportwascanceled,soweembarkedonabumpyandwindingexpeditiontothenearestairport,holdingtightlytothehandstrapsinthecaraswebouncedupanddownandweretossedfromsidetoside.Wetriedhardnottogetcarsick,anddistractedourselvesbytellingeachotherhumorousstoriesfromourtravels—stretchingeachstoryaslongaspossibleduringthebone-shakingsix-hourjourney.

“Wehaveperceptionsaboutourexperience,andwejudgethem:‘Thisisgood.’‘Thisisbad.’‘Thisisneutral,’”theDalaiLamaexplained.“Thenwehaveresponses:fear,frustration,anger.Werealizethatthesearejustdifferentaspectsofmind.Theyarenottheactualreality.Similarly,fearlessness,kindness,love,andforgivenessarealsoaspectsofmind.Itisveryusefultoknowthesystemofemotionandtounderstandhowourmindworks.

“Whenafearorfrustrationcomes,wehavetothink,whatiscausingit?Inmostcases,fearissimplyamentalprojection.WhenIwasyoungandlivinginthePotala,therewasanareathatwasverydark,andtherewerestoriesaboutghoststhere.SowhenIwaspassingthroughthisarea,Iwouldfeelsomething.Thiswascompletelyamentalprojection.”

“No,”theArchbishopsaidwithafrightenedface.“Therewereghoststhere,man.”

TheDalaiLamalaughedandsaid,“Whenamaddogapproaches,barkingandgnashingitsteeth,thenyouneedfear.That’snotamentalprojection.Soyouhavetoanalyzethecausesofthefear.Withfrustration,oftenyouseesomeone,andyouhaveamentalprojectionevenwhenhisorherfaceisneutral.Similarly,whenyouseesomeone’sactions,youhaveamentalprojectionevenwhentheirbehaviorisneutral.Soyouhavetoaskyourselfifyourfrustrationisbasedonsomethingreal.Evenifsomeonecriticizesyouorattacksyou,thenyouhavetothink:Whydidthishappen?Thispersonisnotyourenemyfrombirth.Certaincircumstancescausedthepersontobenegativetowardyou.Theremaybemanycauses,butusuallyyourownattitudeisanimportantcontributingfactorthatcannotbeignored.Yourealizethatthishappenedbecauseyou

havedonesomethinginthepastthatthispersondidn’tlike.Sothenwhenyourealizeyourownpartintheotherperson’scriticizingorattackingyou,theintensityofyourfrustrationandangerautomaticallyreduces.Thenyoualsorealizethatbasichumannatureisgood,iscompassionate,andthatthepersondoesnotwanttoharmyou.Sothereforeyouseetheiremotionisduetosomemisunderstandingormisinformation.Youseethatthisperson’sactionsareduetotheirowndestructiveemotions.Youcandevelopasenseofconcern,compassion,evenfeelsorryfortheirpainandsuffering:Howsadthatthispersonisoutofcontrol,orhavingsuchanegativefeeling.Insteadoffrustrationandangeryoufeelsorryfortheotherpersonandconcernforthem.”

Inoddedmyheadandsaid,“Butsometimesourfrustrationisnotdependentonotherpeoplebutoncircumstancesbeyondourcontrol.Forexample,wecan’tcontrolcanceledflights.”

“WhenIwasyoungandveryeagertogodosomething,”theDalaiLamasaid,“thentheywouldannouncethattherewasadelayorcancellationoftheflight,Iwouldfeelangryandsometimesangrytowardthepilotortowardtheairline.

“BeforetherewasairservicefromDharamsalatoDelhi,IwouldgotothecityofJammu,aboutfourhours’drive,tofly.Soonemorning,allthepassengerswereontheairplanewhentheyannouncedthattheflighthadbeencanceledandthateveryoneshouldpleaseleavetheairplane.LaterIwastoldthatthepilotdidnotcomebecausehewasdrinkingtoomuchthenightbefore.Soeveryonewascomplaining,andIfeltfrustrated,too.

“Nowwhenanannouncementcomesthatmyflightiscanceledorpostponed,whichdoeshappenquitealothere,Itakeitasagoodopportunitytositanddomypractice,tositandmeditate.SonowIfeellessfrustration.”

IwasremindedofaflightthatIhadbeenonwithRachel;ourthentwo-year-oldson,Jesse;andmymothertoHawaii.Wedidnothaveverymuchmoneyandhadbookedseatsonthecheapestairlinewecouldfind.TheyhadonlytwoplanesthattheywouldshuttlebackandforthtoHawaiiandotherholidaydestinations.WewerealmosthalfwayoverthePacificfromCaliforniatoOahuwhenIfeltasuddenjerk,likesomeone

hadshovedtheplanefromtheside.ThentheplanemadeasweepingturnandsometimelaterthecrewmadeanannouncementthatwewereheadingbacktoSanFrancisco.Irememberbeingveryangryandfrustrated.

Wehadtospendthewholedaywaitingforanotherplane,sowetriedtobeginourvacationinCalifornia,takingJessetothezoo.Itwasfun,butIfeltangrythatourHawaiianholidaywasbeingcutshort.Whenwefinallyreturnedtotheairportandgotreadytoboard,Ioverheardthepilotrevealtoanothermemberofthecrewthereasonforturningaround.

Apparentlyoneoftheboltshadcomelooseinoneoftheengines.Thepilotcasuallymentioned,inthewayofpeoplewhoareusedtocalmlyhandlinghigh-risksituations,thatiftheyhadnotshutofftheengineatthemomentthattheydid,itwouldhaveshearedoffandtheairplanewouldhavecrashedintotheocean.Suddenlyadelayedflightandadayatthezoodidn’tsoundsobadafterall.

“Iusedtofeelveryfrustratedandangry,”theArchbishopsaid,“whenwewouldberushingtoaveryimportantmeeting,andwewouldbestuckintrafficbecausetherewasanaccidentupahead.Youweregrindingyourteethandlookingforsomebodytokick.ButgrowingolderIsaid,well,thisisanopportunityforbeingquiet.Andthenyouwouldtrytoupholdallthepeoplethatwereinvolved.Imeanthere’snotverymuchyoucando,sogrindingyourteethandgettingheatedupdoesn’thelp.Sowhynotusetheoldthingsthattheytellyou?Counttoten.One,two,three...ah!”TheArchbishoppretendedtolosehistemperdespitehistryingtocounttoten.

“Ithinkittakestimetolearntobelaid-back,”hecontinued.“Youknow,it’snotsomethingthatjustcomesready-madeforyou.Nooneoughttofeelannoyedwiththemselves.Itjustaddstothefrustration.Imean,wearehumanbeings,falliblehumanbeings.AndastheDalaiLamapointsout,therewasatime...Imean,weseehimsereneandcalm.Yetthereweretimeswhenhe,too,feltannoyedandperhapstherestillare.It’slikemusclesthathavetobeexercisedtobestrong.Sometimeswegettooangrywithourselvesthinkingthatweoughttobeperfectfromthewordgo.Butthisbeingonearthisatimeforustolearn

tobegood,tolearntobemoreloving,tolearntobemorecompassionate.Andyoulearn,nottheoretically.”TheArchbishopwaspointinghisindexfingersathishead.“Youlearnwhensomethinghappensthattestsyou.”AndthenhewaspretendingtobespeakingasGodmight.“‘Hello,yousaidyouwantedtobemorecompassionate.’‘Hello,youwantedtobealittlemorelaid-back.’

“Wegetveryangrywithourselves.Wethinkweoughttobesupermenandsuperwomenfromthestart.TheDalaiLama’sserenitydidn’tcomefullyformed.Itwasthroughthepracticeofprayerandmeditationthatthegentleness,thecompassiongrew,hisbeingpatientandaccepting—withinreasonablelimits.Acceptingcircumstancesastheyare,becauseiftherearecircumstancesthatyoucannotchange,thenit’snousebeatingyourheadagainstabrickwall;thatjustgivesyouaheadache.Thisisavaleofgrowthanddevelopment.”

Iwasstruckbythephrase“avaleofgrowthanddevelopment,”whichseemedtoechothefamousChristiannotionthatlifeisavale,orvalley,oftears,fromwhichwearefreedonlywhenweenterheaven.ThisexpressionisoftensaidtobebasedonPsalm84:6,whichhasthebeautifulwording:“Whopassingthroughthevaleoftearsmakesitawell.”Indeed,wecanuseourtears,ourstressandfrustration,asawellfromwhichwecandrawthelife-givingwatersofouremotionalandspiritualgrowth.

“It’ssimilartohowwelearnhowtobeaparent,”theArchbishopsaidasheconcludedourdiscussion.“Youlearnhowtoreacttoachildwhoisreallyfrustratingyou.Youarebetterwithyourthirdchildthanyouwerewithyourfirstchild.AndsoIwouldsaytoeveryone:Youaremadeforperfection,butyouarenotyetperfect.Youareamasterpieceinthemaking.”

W

Fear,Stress,andAnxiety:IWouldBeVeryNervous

eallhavefears,”theArchbishopexplained.“Fearandanxietyaremechanismsthathavehelpedustosurvive.Youknow,ifyoudid

notfeelfearwhenyousawalionoverthereandyoujustwalkedmerrilyby,innexttonotimetherewouldbenoyou.GodhasgivenusthesethingsbecauseGodknewthatweneededthem.Otherwise,wewouldbefearless,butthenwe’dalsobeverystupid,andwewouldnotbearoundverylong.Theproblemiswhenthefearisexaggeratedorwhenitisprovokedbysomethingthatisreallyquiteinsignificant.”

WhenIaskedtheArchbishophowhemanagedthefearduringthedarkdaysofapartheid,whenhereceivedfrequentdeaththreats,hesaid,“Well,onedidnotdosillythingslikestandinfrontofalitwindowatnight,butonehadtosaytoGod,‘IfI’mdoingyourwork,youbetterjollywellprotectme.’”IhavealwaysbeenimpressedwithhowtheArchbishophasbeenwillingtoadmithisfearsandfrailties.

Wesorarelyhearaboutthedoubts,fears,andworriesofleaders,asleadershipitselfseemstorequireanairofconfidencethatrarelyallowstheadmissionofweaknessorvulnerability.IwasoncetoldanamazingstorybyformerTimemagazineeditorRickStengel,whohadworkedwithNelsonMandelaonhisautobiography,LongWalktoFreedom.Mandelawasflyinginasmallpropellerplanewithhisbodyguard,Mike.Thegreatleaderwashiddenbehindthemorningpaperwhenhenoticedthatonepropellerwasnotworking.HeleanedoverandcalmlytoldMike,whoinformedthepilots.Theywerewellawareoftheproblemandexplainedthatemergencylandingprocedureswereinplace.WhenMikeexplainedthesituationtoMandela,henoddedcalmlyandwentbacktoreadinghispaper.Apparently,Mike,atoughguy,wastremblingwithfearbutonlycalmedbytheimageofMandela,wholookedunbotheredbythefactthat

A

theymightatanymomentfalloutofthesky.WhentheyhadgottenintothebackofthebulletproofBMWthatmetthemattheairport,Stengelaskedhimabouttheflight.Towhich,Mandelaleanedin,eyeswide,andsaid,“Man,Iwasterrifiedupthere.”Evenifleadershiprequiresashowofstrengthduringmomentsofcrisis,ourhumanityisdefinedequally,orperhapsevenmore,byourweaknessandvulnerability,afactthattheArchbishopoftensaysremindsusofourneedforoneanother.

OneofmyfavoritequotesthatweincludedinMandela’sbookNotestotheFuturewasoncourage:“Ilearnedthatcouragewasnottheabsenceoffear,butthetriumphoverit.IfeltfearmoretimesthanIcanremember,butIhiditbehindamaskofboldness.Thebravemanisnothewhodoesnotfeelafraid,buthewhoconquersthatfear.”ArchbishopTutusaidsomethingverysimilarwhenwewereworkingonGodHasaDream.Hesaid,“Courageisnottheabsenceoffear,buttheabilitytoactdespiteit.”TheEnglishwordcouragecomesfromtheFrenchwordcoeur,orheart;courageisindeedthetriumphofourheart’sloveandcommitmentoverourmind’sreasonablemurmuringstokeepussafe.

•••

stheArchbishophadsaid,itiswhenthisnaturalfeargetsexaggeratedthatweexperiencestress,worry,andanxiety.Manyof

ussufferfromthisgeneralstateofunease,duringwhichwehavefloatingfearsandworriesthatattachtoanyexperienceorrelationship.Itisveryhardtobejoyfulwithstressandanxiety;wehaveacontinualfeelingofbeingoverwhelmedandnotbeingabletohandleourworkcommitments,ourfamilycommitments,orthedigitaldevicesthatareconstantlyremindingusofallthethingsthatwearemissing.Jugglingsomanythingsatthesametime,wecanfeellikewearealwaysonestepbehind.

Jinpapointedoutthatmodernsocietyhasprioritizedindependencetosuchanextentthatweareleftonourowntotrytomanagelivesthatareincreasinglyoutofcontrol.HeexplainedthelifethattheDalaiLamaandhispeoplehadinTibetbeforetheChineseinvasion.IntheremotevillageofTaktserintheAmdoprovince,theDalaiLama’sfamilyhouse,likethe

othersinthevillage,waslocatedonaplateau,overlookingrollinggrasslandsfilledwithnomadsandyaks.TheDalaiLamawasoneofsixteenchildren,nineofwhomdiedininfancy.Thenearesttownwasthreehoursawaybymule.Theboy,thencalledLhamoThondup,sleptinthekitchen,closesttothestove.Lifecouldnothavebeeneasyforhimandhisfamily,soitwasasurprisetomewhenJinpaexplainedthatlifewouldhavebeenmuchlessstressfulinatraditionalvillage.

Formuchofhumanhistory,whetherinTibet,orAfrica,oranywhereinbetween,therewerefearsandworries,someofthemmajor,likewhethertherewouldbeenoughfoodforthewinter.Buttheseconcernsweremademoremanageablebyhavingacloseandconnectedlife.Whilesurvivalcertainlyisthegreateststressorofall—forwhichourstressresponseevolved—thereissomethingdifferentabouttheconstantpressuresandpullsofmodernlife.Althoughtherewouldnodoubthavebeentimesofgreatstressandanxietyatthelossofcropsoreventhelossofachild,thedailyrhythmswouldhavebeenfarlessfrenziedandunfocused.“Thereisawisdomthathasbeenlost,”Jinpasaid.“Ouropportunitiesaresomuchgreaternow,butso,too,areouranxieties.”Ithoughtofthejourney,bothphysicalandpsychological,thatJinpahadundertaken:fromlifeinaBuddhistmonasterythatwaslargelyunchangedforthousandsofyearstothefamilylifehenowlivesinMontreal.

Butifstressandanxietyareinevitablepartsofmodernlife,howcanwebegintoconfronttheseever-presentirritants?Howdowemaketheridesmoother?Howdoweminimizetheworryweexperience?

“Stressandanxietyoftencomefromtoomuchexpectationandtoomuchambition,”theDalaiLamasaid.“Thenwhenwedon’tfulfillthatexpectationorachievethatambition,weexperiencefrustration.Rightfromthebeginning,itisaself-centeredattitude.Iwantthis.Iwantthat.Oftenwearenotbeingrealisticaboutourownabilityoraboutobjectivereality.Whenwehaveaclearpictureaboutourowncapacity,wecanberealisticaboutoureffort.Thenthereisamuchgreaterchanceofachievingourgoals.Butunrealisticeffortonlybringsdisaster.Soinmanycasesourstressiscausedbyourexpectationsandourambition.”

A

Whatistoomuchambition?Iwondered.ForsomeoneraisedinAmerica,whereambitionisavirtueinandofitself,themarriageofinitiativeandpersistence,Iwasstruckbyhisanswer.Coulditbethatallofthegettingandgraspingthatweseeasourmajorambitioninmodernlifemightbemisguided?Andperhapsthebeliefthatmoreisbettermightbearecipeforstressandfrustration,andultimatelydissatisfaction?

Perhapsitisaquestionofpriorities.Whatisitthatisreallyworthpursuing?Whatisitwetrulyneed?AccordingtotheArchbishopandtheDalaiLama,whenweseehowlittlewereallyneed—loveandconnection—thenallthegettingandgraspingthatwethoughtwassoessentialtoourwell-beingtakesitsrightfulplaceandnolongerbecomesthefocusortheobsessionofourlives.Wemusttrytobeconsciousabouthowweliveandnotgetsweptawaybythemoderntrance,therelentlessmarch,theanxiousaccelerator.TheDalaiLamawasurgingustobemorerealisticsowecancometosomesenseofinnerpeacenow,ratherthanalwayschasingafterourexpectationsandambitionforthenext.

Symptomsofchronicstressarefeelingsoffragmentationandofchasingaftertime—ofnotbeingabletobepresent.Whatwearelookingforisasettled,joyfulstateofbeing,andweneedtogivethisstatespace.TheArchbishoponcetoldmethatpeopleoftenthinkheneedstimetoprayandreflectbecauseheisareligiousleader.Hesaidthosewhomustliveinthemarketplace—business-people,professionals,andworkers—needitevenmore.

•••

schronicstressbecomesaglobalepidemic,ourstressresponseisbeingstudiedintensivelytoseeifwecanunwinditsmysteries.It

turnsoutthatourperspectivehasasurprisingamountofinfluenceoverthebody’sstressresponse.Whenweturnathreatintoachallenge,ourbodyrespondsverydifferently.

PsychologistElissaEpelisoneoftheleadingresearchersonstress,andsheexplainedtomehowstressissupposedtowork.Ourstressresponseevolvedtosaveusfromattackordanger,likeahungrylionora

W

fallingavalanche.Cortisolandadrenalincourseintoourblood.Thiscausesourpupilstodilatesowecanseemoreclearly,ourheartandbreathingtospeedupsowecanrespondfaster,andthebloodtodivertfromourorganstoourlargemusclessowecanfightorflee.Thisstressresponseevolvedasarareandtemporaryexperience,butformanyinourmodernworld,itisconstantlyactivated.Epelandhercolleague,NobelPrize–winningmolecularbiologistElizabethBlackburn,havefoundthatconstantstressactuallywearsdownourtelomeres,thecapsonourDNAthatprotectourcellsfromillnessandaging.Itisnotjuststressbutourthoughtpatternsingeneralthatimpactourtelomeres,whichhasledEpelandBlackburntoconcludethatourcellsareactually“listeningtoourthoughts.”

Theproblemisnottheexistenceofstressors,whichcannotbeavoided;stressissimplythebrain’swayofsignalingthatsomethingisimportant.Theproblem—orperhapstheopportunity—ishowwerespondtothisstress.

EpelandBlackburnexplainthatitisnotthestressalonethatdamagesourtelomeres.Itisourresponsetothestressthatismostimportant.Theyencourageustodevelopstressresilience.Thisinvolvesturningwhatiscalled“threatstress,”ortheperceptionthatastressfuleventisathreatthatwillharmus,intowhatiscalled“challengestress,”ortheperceptionthatastressfuleventisachallengethatwillhelpusgrow.Theremedytheyofferisquitestraightforward.Onesimplynoticesthefight-or-flightstressresponseinone’sbody—thebeatingheart,thepulsingbloodortinglingfeelinginourhandsandface,therapidbreathing—thenremembersthatthesearenaturalresponsestostressandthatourbodyisjustpreparingtorisetothechallenge.

•••

hatdetermineswhetherweseesomethingorsomeoneasathreat?TheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamaweresayingthatsomuchof

ourstressisdependentonseeingourselvesasseparatefromothers,whichperhapsreturnstothelossofoursenseofcommunalconnection,of

Ubuntu.IhadonceaskedtheArchbishophowhehandledworryandinsomnia,andhesaidthathethoughtaboutpeopleallaroundtheworldwhoalsowereawakeandunabletosleep.Thinkingaboutothersandrememberingthathewasnotalonelessenedhisdistressandhisworries,ashewouldsayaprayerforthem.

“IwouldgiveteachingswhenIwasyoung,”theDalaiLamaexplained,describingoneoftheexperiencesthatwouldcausehimtoexperiencestressandanxiety.“IwouldbeverynervousbecauseIdidnotseemyselfasthesameasthepeopleintheaudience.Thenafter1959,whenIleftTibet,Istartedthinking,Thesepeoplearejustlikeme,samehumanbeing.Ifwethinkwearesomethingspecialornotspecialenough,thenfear,nervousness,stress,andanxietyarise.Wearethesame.”

“WhattheDalaiLamaandIareoffering,”theArchbishopadded,“isawayofhandlingyourworries:thinkingaboutothers.Youcanthinkaboutotherswhoareinasimilarsituationorperhapseveninaworsesituation,butwhohavesurvived,eventhrived.Itdoeshelpquitealottoseeyourselfaspartofagreaterwhole.”Onceagain,thepathofjoywasconnectionandthepathofsorrowwasseparation.Whenweseeothersasseparate,theybecomeathreat.Whenweseeothersaspartofus,asconnected,asinterdependent,thenthereisnochallengewecannotface—together.

“WhenImeetsomeone,”theDalaiLamasaid,returningtowhatwasbecominganimportanttheme,“Ialwaystrytorelatetothepersononthebasichumanlevel.Onthatlevel,Iknowthat,justlikeme,heorshewishestofindhappiness,tohavefewerproblemsandlessdifficultyintheirlife.WhetherIamspeakingwithoneperson,orwhetherIamgivingatalktoalargegroupofpeople,Ialwaysseemyselffirstandforemostasjustanotherfellowhuman.Thatway,thereisinfactnoneedforintroduction.

If,ontheotherhand,Irelatetoothersfromtheperspectiveofmyselfassomeonedifferent—aBuddhist,aTibetan,andsoon—Iwillthencreatewallstokeepmeapartfromothers.AndifIrelatetoothers,thinkingthatIamtheDalaiLama,Iwillcreatethebasisformyownseparationandloneliness.Afterall,thereisonlyoneDalaiLamainthe

entireworld.Incontrast,ifIseemyselfprimarilyintermsofmyselfasafellowhuman,IwillthenhavemorethansevenbillionpeoplewhoIcanfeeldeepconnectionwith.Andthisiswonderful,isn’tit?Whatdoyouneedtofearorworryaboutwhenyouhavesevenbillionotherpeoplewhoarewithyou?”

MFrustrationandAnger:IWouldShout

orethanadecadebeforecomingtoDharamsala,IwasdrivingwiththeArchbishopinJacksonville,Florida—intraffic.Youcouldsay

thatthiswas,infact,oneofmymajormotivationsforwantingtoworkwithhim.Tounderstand:Howdoesadeeplyspiritualandmoralleaderdriveintraffic?

Wehadleftthehouse,wherewehadearlierrecordedaninterviewsittingbythealligatorpond,danglingourfeetprecariouslyclosetothehungrywater.WestoppedoffattheBostonMarketrestaurantchainforaquicklunch,wherehehadgoneoutofhiswaytogreetandsayhellotoalloftheemployees,whowereinaweoftheircelebritycustomerwhowasorderingchickenandmashedpotatoes.Wewereonourwaytotheuniversitywherehewasaguestlecturer,andIwasinterviewinghimaswedrove,tryingtouseeverypreciousmomentofourtimetogethertogatherhispearlsofwisdom.Weweretalkingaboutmanyhigh-mindedphilosophiesandtheologies,butwhatIreallywantedtoknowwashowallhisspiritualpracticeandbeliefsaffectedhisday-to-dayinteractions,likedrivingintraffic.

AllofasuddenacarcutacrossthelanesinfrontofusandtheArchbishophadtoswerveoutofthewaytoavoidhittingtheothercar.“Therearesometrulyamazingdriversontheroad!”theArchbishopsaidwithexasperationandahead-shakingchuckle.

Iaskedhimwhatwentthroughhisheadatmomentslikethis,andhesaidthatperhapsthedriverwasonhiswaytothehospitalbecausehiswifewasgivingbirth,orarelativewassick.

Thereitwas.Hereactedwiththeinevitableanduncontrollablesurprise,whichisoneofourinstinctualresponses,buttheninsteadoftakingthelowroadofanger,hetookthehighroadofhumor,acceptance,andevencompassion.Anditwasgone:nofuming,nolingeringfrustration,noraisedbloodpressure.

W•••

eoftenthinkoffearandangerastwoquiteseparateemotions,soIwassurprisedtoheartheDalaiLamaconnectthem.“Wherethere

isfear,frustrationwillcome.Frustrationbringsanger.So,yousee,fearandangerareveryclose.”TheDalaiLama’sperspective,Ilaterlearned,issupportedbyourbasicbiology.Fearandangeraretwopolesofournaturalresponse,aswepreparetoflee(fear)ortofight(anger).

TheDalaiLamawasrespondingtooneofthestudentsattheTibetanChildren’sVillage,wherewewentlaterintheweektocelebratehisbirthday.Oneoftheolderstudentshadasked,“YourHoliness,howdoyoucontrolyourangerinyourdailylife?”

TheArchbishopstartedtocackle—notjustlaughing,butpracticallydoublingover,presumablyenjoyingimmenselythechallengethatangerposeseventoholymen.

“WhenIusedtogetangry,Iwouldshout,”theDalaiLamasaid,admittingthateventheBodhisattvaofCompassioncanlosehiscool.Thechildrenwerelaughing,too.“Ihaveastory:Around1956or’57,whenIwasinmyearlytwenties,Ihadanoldcar,whichbelongedtothe13thDalaiLama.”ItwasoneoftheveryfewcarsinLhasaatthetimeandhadbeencarriedinpiecestothecapitalandreassembled,sincetherewerenodrivableroadsinTibetatthetime,otherthanshortstretchesinandaroundLhasa.

“Oneofthepeoplewhousedtodrivethecarwouldalsorepairitwhenitbrokedown,whichwasquiteoften.OnedayhewasunderthecarrepairingitwhenIcamebytoseehim.Ashecameoutfromunderthecar,hebangedhisheadonthefender.Thismadehimlosehistemper.Hewassomadthathebangedhisheadagainstthecaragainandagain.Bang,bang,bang.”TheDalaiLamapretendedtohithisheadintotheimaginaryfender,tothedelightofthechildren.“Thatisanger.Whatuseisit?Theveryreasonhelosthistemperisthathehithisheadandthenhehitshisheadonpurpose,inflictingmorepainonhimself.It’sfoolish.Whenangerdevelops,think,whatisthecause?Andthenalsothink,whatwillbetheresultofmyanger,myangryface,ormyshouting?Thenyouwill

realizethatangerisnothelpful.”NeuropsychiatristDanielSiegelexplainsthatwhenwegetveryangry,

wecan“flipourlid,”sotospeak,losingthebenefitofourcritical-thinkingcortex.Asaresult,theprefrontalcortex,whichisimportantforemotionregulationandmoraljudgment,losesitsabilitytocontrolouremotionallimbicsystem.TheDalaiLama’sdriverhadflippedhislid,andasaresultheactedinarathersillyway,causinghimselfevenmorepain.Thissceneiscomicalbecauseitissocommon.We’veallbeenthere.Sowhatisthealternativeto“losingit”?

TheDalaiLamathenmadethesubtleandprofoundconnectionbetweenfearandanger,explaininghowfearunderliesanger.Typicallyfrustrationandangercomefrombeinghurt.Thedriverhittinghisheadwasanobviousexample.Inadditiontophysicalpain,wecanalsoexperienceemotionalpain,whichmaybeevenmorecommon.Wewantsomethingthatwedidnotget,likerespectorkindness,orwegetsomethingthatwedidnotwant,likedisrespectorcriticism.Underlyingthisanger,theDalaiLamawassaying,isafearthatwewillnotgetwhatweneed,thatwearenotloved,thatwearenotrespected,thatwewillnotbeincluded.

Onewayoutofanger,then,istoask,Whatisthehurtthathascausedouranger,whatisthefearthatwehave?Psychologistsoftencallangerasecondaryemotion,becauseitcomesasadefensetofeelingthreatened.Whenwecanacknowledgeandexpressthefear—howwearefeelingthreatened—thenweareoftenabletosoothetheanger.

Butweneedtobewillingtoadmitourvulnerability.Weareoftenashamedofthesefearsandhurts,thinkingthatifwewereinvulnerable,wewouldneverexperiencepain,butthis,astheArchbishopsaid,isnotthenatureofbeinghuman.Ifwecanhavecompassionforourselves,andacknowledgehowwefeelafraid,hurt,orthreatened,wecanhavecompassionforothers—possiblyevenforthosewhohaveevokedouranger.

•••

Whenyousetyourselfgoals,andyouencounterobstacles,youwillnaturallyfeelfrustrated,”theArchbishopsaid.“Orwhenyouare

tryingtodoyourbestandthosewithwhomyouareworking,orshouldbeworking,aren’tascooperativeasyouhadhoped,orathomewithyourfamilywhensomethingyoudoismisconstrued,thisinevitablyleadstofrustrationandanger.Whenpeopleimpugnyourintentions,andyouknowthatyouhavenobleintentions.It’sreallyquitepainful.Yougrindyourteethandyousay,theretheygoagain.

“Or,onalargerscale,athomewhenwewereinvolvedintheapartheidstruggle,andtherewerethoseamongstuswhousedmethodsthatwerenotacceptable,like‘necklacing,’wheretheywouldsetsomebodyalightwithacartirefilledwithgasolinearoundtheirneckandkillthem,andyouwantedtosay,Wedon’tneedthis,itjustmakesiteasierforthemtocriticizeusandourmovement.

“Orinapersonalway,whenyouhavetodealwithphysicalailments,andyouwishmaybethatyouhadagreatdealmoreenergythanyouinfacthave.Oneisremindedofone’shumanityandone’sfragility.”

“OnetimeIwasinJerusalem,”theDalaiLamasaid,“andImetwithateacherwhousedtotellhisstudents,Whenyouareirritatedorangrywithsomeone,youshouldrememberthattheyaremadeintheimageofGod.SomeofthestudentsintheclasswerePalestinians,andtheyhadtocrossthroughIsraelicheckpoints.Theytoldhimthatwhentheywouldgetnervousandirritated,theywouldthinkthatthesesoldiersweremadeintheimageofGod,andtheywouldrelaxandfeelbetter.Atthephysicallevelonehastoactaccordingly,butatthementallevelonecanremaincalmandrelaxed.Thisishowyoutrainthemind.”

Yetcertainlyangermusthaveaplace,Ithought.Sometimesitservesaroleinprotectingusorothersfromhurtorharm.What,Iwondered,wastheroleofrighteousanger?TheArchbishop,duringthekillingsthatoftenmarredthepeacefulprotestsagainstapartheid,wouldraiseafistandarant,callingdownfireandbrimstoneagainsttheevildoersofinjustice.Hisbiography,byhislongtimepresssecretaryJohnAllen,is

calledRabble-RouserforPeace,whichsuccinctlydescribestheparadoxoftheArchbishop’sstruggleforfreedom.Hewasnotafraidofangerandrighteousindignationinpursuitofpeace,justice,andequalityinhishomeland.

TheArchbishopsimplyandsuccinctlyexplainedthepowerandlimitsofthisuseofanger.“Righteousangerisusuallynotaboutoneself.Itisaboutthosewhomoneseesbeingharmedandwhomonewantstohelp.”Inshort,righteousangerisatoolofjustice,ascytheofcompassion,morethanareactiveemotion.Althoughitmayhaveitsrootsdeepinourfight-or-flightdesiretoprotectthoseinourfamilyorgroupwhoarethreatened,itisachosenresponseandnotsimplyanuncontrollablereaction.Anditisnotaboutone’sownbesiegedself-image,orone’sfeelingsofseparation,butofone’scollectiveresponsibility,andone’sfeelingofdeep,empoweringconnection.

“Nowmedicalscientistssay,”theDalaiLamacontinued,“thatconstantfear,constantanger,constanthatredharmsourimmunesystem.Everybodytriestotakecareofhisorherhealth.Sotheyneedbothahealthybodyandahealthymind.Ahealthymindisacalmmind.Fearandangeraredestroyersofacalmmind.Thenyourealizethatangerisnouseinsolvingproblems.Itwillnothelp.Itcreatesmoreproblems.Theneventuallythroughtrainingofourmind—andusingreasoning—wecantransformouremotions.”

TheDalaiLamaadded,“Clear,likethat,”asiffearandanger,thesefundamentalpartsofthehumanexperience,thesesourcesofsomuchnegativeemotion,somuchsuffering,couldbebanishedwiththewaveofarationalmind.Iknewwhathewasdescribingwasalifelongpractice,inwhichwehavetocontinuallywrestlewiththefearandangermechanismsofourmammalianbrain.Otherwisewearepronetoloseitmoreoftenthanwewouldliketoadmit.

PaulEkmantoldmeanastonishingstoryoverdinneronenightabouthowtheDalaiLamahadhealedhimofhisangerissues.EkmanisnotaBuddhistandwasnotthatinterestedinmeetingtheDalaiLama,buthisdaughterwasafan,andwhenEkmanheardthatscientistsinvitedtothebiannualMindandLifeconferencewiththeDalaiLamacouldbringa

guest,heagreedtoattend.Ekmanexplainedthatheusedtobeaverytimidandquietchildbut

becamewhatispopularlycalleda“rage-aholic”afterexperiencinghisfather’sbelligerenceandabuseandhismother’ssuicide.Ekmanwouldhavewhatheandotheremotionclinicianscall“regrettableincidents,”flyingintoarageseveraltimesaweek.WhenhewenttoseetheDalaiLama,somethingverystrangehappened.

TheDalaiLamatookEkman’shands,lookedintohiseyeslovingly,andsuddenly,Ekmansaid,itfeltlikealltheangerdrainedoutofhisbody.Hedidnothaveanotherregrettableincidentforoversixmonths,andalthoughtheydidreturn,theyweremuchlessfrequent.Ekmandoesnotknowwhathappenedtohim,butsaidthatperhapstheDalaiLama’sdeepcompassionhelpedhealsomelingeringhurtandreactivity.TheDalaiLamahasaskedEkmantomaptheemotionallandscape,tohelpothersavoidtherockyterrainofnegativeemotionsandfindtheirwaymoreeasilytothepromisedlandofcompassionandcontentment.

TheDalaiLamahadsaidearlierthatifwecandiscoverourroleincreatingthesituationsthatupsetus,weareabletoreduceourfeelingsoffrustrationandanger.Also,whenweareabletorecognizethattheotherpersonhastheirownfearsandhurts,theirownfragileandhumanperspective,thenwehaveachanceofescapingfromthenormalreflexofanger.

“Andsofinally,sometimesitisamatteroftiming,”theDalaiLamasaid,concludingourfirstmorningsessionaswewereabouttobreakfortea.“Toomuchtirednesscanleadustofeelfrustrationandanger.Inmyowncase,whenIencountersomedifficultsituationinthemorning,mymindiscalm,anditismucheasier.Whenthesamesituationhappensinthelateevening,andIamalittlebittired,thenIfeelannoyed.Soyourbasicphysicalconditionmakesadifference,whetheryourbodyisfresh,whetheryourmindisfresh.Sothisalsoshowshowmuchdependsonyourownperceptionandyourlimitedsubjectiveview.”

Nextwehadplannedtodiscusssadnessandgrief,feelingsthatsomanytrytoavoid.Iwasverysurprisedtohearthemexplainhowtheroyalroadtojoywouldleadrightthroughtheseemotions.

T

SadnessandGrief:TheHardTimesKnitUsMoreCloselyTogether

heveryfirstdayoftheTruthandReconciliationCommission,”theArchbishopbegan,“whenoneofthewitnessescametotellusabout

hisexperiences—itwasattheendofalongandgruelingday—andhewastryingtotellushowtheyhadtorturedhim.Thentherewasapointintryingtorecallwhattheyhaddonetohimthathefounditdifficulttospeak.Hehadnowdevelopedaspeechimpediment.Idon’tknowwhatitwas,therecallingorthespeechimpediment,butthewitnesswasnotabletogoon.Andhestartedasentenceandthenputhishanduptohiseyesandstartedweeping.AndIjoinedhim.

“AttheendofitIsaidtomycolleagues,‘ItoldyouIamnotfittobechairingthis.Andloandbehold,Iwasright.I’vemadeapublicspectacleofmyself.’I’macrybaby.Icryeasily....IsupposeIloveeasily,too.

“AndsoIthinkweshouldn’tthinkwearesuperwomenandsupermen.Toholddownemotionsinacontrolledenvironment,asitwere,isnotwise.Iwouldsaygoaheadandevenmaybeshoutoutyoursadnessandpain.Thiscanbringyoubacktonormal.It’slockingthemupandpretendingthattheyarenottherethatcausesthemtofesterandbecomeawound.I’venotreadthisinabook.It’sjusthowIhavehandledthem.”

Sadnessisseeminglythemostdirectchallengetojoy,butastheArchbishoparguedstrongly,itoftenleadsusmostdirectlytoempathyandcompassionandtorecognizingourneedforoneanother.

Sadnessisaverypowerfulandenduringemotion.Inonestudyitwasfoundthatsadnesslastedmanytimeslongerthanmorefleetingemotionslikefearandanger:Whilefearlastedonaveragethirtyminutes,sadnessoftenlasteduptoahundredandtwentyhours,oralmostfivedays.Whiletheevolutionaryvalueofourfight(anger)andflight(fear)responsesareclear,thevalueofsadnessseemshardertounderstand.

NewstudiesconductedbypsychologyresearcherJosephForgasshowthatmildsadnesscanactuallyhaveanumberofbenefitsthatcouldreflectitsvalue.Inhisexperiments,peoplewhowereinasadmoodhadbetterjudgmentandmemory,andweremoremotivated,moresensitivetosocialnorms,andmoregenerousthanthehappiercontrolgroup.Peoplewhoareinaso-callednegativestateofsadnessweremorediscerningabouttheirsituation,betterabletorememberdetails,andmoremotivatedtochangetheirsituation.Whatisparticularlyinterestingisthatbriefsadnessmightgeneratemoreempathyorgenerosity.Participantsinthestudyplayedagame,partofwhichinvolveddecidinghowmuchmoneytogivethemselvesandhowmuchtogiveothers.Thesadparticipantsgavesignificantlymoretotheotherparticipants.

Whiledepressioncertainlycollapsesourcircleofconcerninward,theperiodicfeelingofsadnessmightwidenit.Forgasconcludedthatsadnessmayhavesomebenefitinourlives,whichmaybewhypeoplearedrawntomusic,art,andliteraturethatmakesthemfeelsad.Heurgesustoembraceallofouremotions,becausetheynodoubtplayanecessaryroleinourlives.

Sadnessisinmanywaystheemotionthatcausesustoreachouttooneanotherinsupportandsolidarity.TheArchbishopexpresseditquitewonderfullywhenheexplained,“Wedon’treallygetclosetoothersifourrelationshipismadeupofunendinghunky-dory-ness.Itisthehardtimes,thepainfultimes,thesadnessandthegriefthatknitusmorecloselytogether.”Afuneralisperhapsthemostobviousexampleofthisweavingofourrelationshipsandcommunitytogether,buteventearsareasignaltoothersthatweneedcomfortandkindness,thatwearevulnerableandneedhelp.

Wetrysohardtoseparatejoyandsorrowintotheirownboxes,buttheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamatellusthattheyareinevitablyfastenedtogether.Neitheradvocatethekindoffleetinghappiness,oftencalledhedonichappiness,thatrequiresonlypositivestatesandbanishesfeelingslikesadnesstoemotionalexile.Thekindofhappinessthattheydescribeisoftencalledeudemonichappinessandischaracterizedbyself-understanding,meaning,growth,andacceptance,includinglife’s

I

inevitablesuffering,sadness,andgrief.

•••

oftenreceivequestions,”theDalaiLamasaid,“fromthosewhosedearfriend,orparent,orevenchildhaspassedaway.Theyaskme,‘What

shouldIdo?’“Isharewiththemfrommyownexperience.Mybelovedmain

teacher,whogavememymonk’sordination,died,andIwasreallygrief-stricken.WhilehewasaliveIalwaysfeltlikehewasasolidrockbehindmethatIcouldleanon.Ireallyfeltvery,verysadandfullofgriefwhenhepassedaway.

“Thewaythroughthesadnessandgriefthatcomesfromgreatlossistouseitasmotivationandtogenerateadeepersenseofpurpose.Whenmyteacherpassedaway,IusedtothinkthatnowIhaveevenmoreresponsibilitytofulfillhiswishes,somysadnesstranslatedintomoreenthusiasm,moredetermination.Ihavetoldthosewhohadlosttheirdearfriendorfamilymember,Itisverysad,butthissadnessshouldtranslateintomoredeterminationtofulfilltheirwishes.Iftheoneyouhavelostcouldseeyou,andyouaredeterminedandfullofhope,theywouldbehappy.Withthegreatsadnessoftheloss,onecanliveanevenmoremeaningfullife.

“Sadnessandgriefare,ofcourse,naturalhumanresponsestoloss,butifyourfocusremainsonthelovedoneyouhavejustlost,theexperienceislesslikelytoleadtodespair.Incontrast,ifyourfocuswhilegrievingremainsmostlyonyourself—‘WhatamIgoingtodonow?HowcanIcope?’—thenthereisagreaterdangerofgoingdownthepathofdespairanddepression.So,again,somuchdependsonhowwerespondtoourexperienceoflossandsadness.”

TheDalaiLamamentionedthefamousBuddhiststoryofthewomanwhohadlostherchildandwasinconsolableinhergrief,carryingherdeadchildthroughouttheland,beggingforsomeonetohelphealherchild.WhenshecametotheBuddha,shebeggedhimtohelpher.Hetoldherhecouldhelpherifshewouldcollectmustardseedsforthemedicine.

Sheeagerlyagreed,butthentheBuddhaexplainedthatthemustardseedsneededtocomefromahousethathadnotbeentouchedbydeath.Whenthewomanvisitedeachhouseinsearchofthemustardseedsthatmighthealherson,shediscoveredthattherewasnohousethathadnotsufferedthelossofaparent,oraspouse,orachild.Seeingthathersufferingwasnotunique,shewasabletoburyherchildintheforestandreleasehergrief.

MyfriendGordonWheeler,whoisapsychologist,explainsthatgriefisthereminderofthedepthofourlove.Withoutlove,thereisnogrief.Sowhenwefeelourgrief,uncomfortableandachingasitmaybe,itisactuallyareminderofthebeautyofthatlove,nowlost.I’llneverforgetcallingGordonwhileIwastraveling,andhearinghimsaythathewasouttodinnerbyhimselfafterthelossofadearfriend“sohecouldfeelhisgrief.”Heknewthatintheblinkingandbuzzingworldofourlives,itissoeasytodeletethepastandmoveontothenextmoment.Tolingerinthelonging,theloss,theyearningisawayoffeelingtherichandembroideredtextureoflife,thetornclothofourworldthatisendlesslybeingrippedandrewoven.

IDespair:TheWorldIsinSuchTurmoil

twastimetoaskthequestionthatpeoplefromaroundtheworldmostwantedmetoask,aquestionnotaboutjoybutaboutsorrow,andnot

abouttheirsbutaboutothers.“Peopleallovertheworldwantedtoknowhowtheycouldpossiblylivewithjoyinaworldsofilledwithsorrowandsuffering.AwomannamedDawn,whosentinaquestion,askeditthisway:‘Theworldisinsuchturmoil—war,starvation,terrorism,pollution,genocide.Myhearthurtsfortheseissues.HowdoIfindjoyinthemidstofsuchlargeworldproblems?’”

“You’retheelder,”theDalaiLamasaid,gesturingtotheArchbishop.“Youshowyourhumanity,”theArchbishopbegan,“byhowyousee

yourselfnotasapartfromothersbutfromyourconnectiontoothers.Ihavefrequentlyweptaboutthethingssuchastheonesyouhavementioned.

“Godcreatedusandsaid,Gonow,mychild.Youhavefreedom.AndGodhassuchanincrediblereverenceforthatfreedomthatGodwouldmuchratherwewentfreelytohellthancompelustocometoheaven.

“Yes,we’recapableofthemostawfulatrocities.Wecangiveacatalog.AndGodweepsuntiltherearethosewhosayIdowanttotrytodosomething.Itisgoodalsotorememberthatwehaveafantasticcapacityforgoodness.Andthenyoulookagain.Andyouseethosedoctorsandnursesfromotherpartsoftheworldwhogointothosesituations.Imean,youthinkof,say,DoctorsWithoutBorders.Whydotheygothere?Imean,theycouldstayinFranceorwhereverandhaveawonderfulpractice.Buttheydon’t.Theygoofftosomeofthemostpoverty-strickenplaces.

“You’veseenitwithEbola.Peoplegointoahugelydangeroussituation.Comingfromcountrieswheretheydon’thaveEbola.AndtheyhavenoreasontogotoSierraLeoneorwherever.Theyarejustshowinguswhatweareallcapableofbeing.Andbyproxywelinkourselvesto

thoseandtryasmuchaswecantoenterintowhoweare:peopleofcompassion.

“Whatcanyoudotohelpchangethatsituation?Youmightnotbeabletodoagreatdeal,butstartwhereyouareanddowhatyoucanwhereyouare.Andyes,beappalled.Itwouldbeawfulifwelookedonallofthathorrendousnessandwesaid,Ah,itdoesn’treallymatter.It’ssowonderfulthatwecanbedistressed.That’spartofthegreatnessofwhoweare—thatyouaredistressedaboutsomeonewhoisnotfamilyinanyconventionalway.Andyetyoufeeldistressed,equally.It’sincrediblejusthowcompassionateandgenerouspeoplecanbe.

“Whenadisastersuchas9/11happens,werealizewearefamily.Wearefamily.ThosepeopleintheTwinTowersareoursistersandbrothers.Andevenmorestartlingly,thepeoplewhowerepilotingthoseplanes,theyareoursistersandbrothers.Youhaveatsunamihappen,andhaveyouseentheoutpouringofloveandcompassionandcaring?Imean,youdon’tknowthevictimsfromabrassfarthing.Andpeoplejustgaveandgave.Becausethat’sactuallywhowereallyare.

“After9/11youwouldhaveexpectedthatthosewhohatedAmericawouldhavebeengloating.Buttherewerevery,very,veryfewpeoplegloating.Peopleweredeeply,deeplydistressed.

“HadtheAmericanpresidentnothitback,wemighthavehadadifferentworld.Wewillhaveadifferentworldofcourse,eventually.Butjustlookatanytragedy.WhenminersaretrappedinRussia,peopledon’tsay,Ican’tspeakRussian,or,Idon’tevenknowwherethatplaceisonthemap.Thereisacompassionthatjustspringsup.”

TheArchbishop’sandtheDalaiLama’sconvictionthatwewouldhaveadifferentworld,eventually,wasstriking.SeveralmonthsaftertheinterviewsIwasvisitingwiththeArchbishopinSouthAfricawhenterroristattackstookplaceinParis.Somanypeopleweredespairingathumanity’sobviousinhumanity.WhenIaskedhimwhathewouldsaytothosewhowerecaughtinsuchdespair,hereplied,“Yes,wedohavesetbacks,butyoumustkeepeverythinginperspective.Theworldisgettingbetter.Thinkabouttherightsofwomenorhowslaverywasconsideredmorallyjustifiedafewhundredyearsago.Ittakestime.We

aregrowingandlearninghowtobecompassionate,howtobecaring,howtobehuman.”

Almostamonthlatertotheday,theworldcametogetherinParisandratifiedclimatechangeaccordsthatovercamenationaldifferencesandeconomicgreedtogiveourworldabetterchanceofsurvival.TheArchbishopoftenlikedtoquoteoneofhisheroes,Dr.MartinLutherKingJr.,whointurnwasquotingoneofhisheroes,anabolitionistministernamedTheodoreParker,whosaid:“Thearcofthemoraluniverseislong,butitbendstowardjustice.”

“PerhapshereImaymentionsomethingfrommyownexperience,”theDalaiLamasaid.“March10,2008.”Everyyear,theTibetanexilecommunitycommemoratesMarch10asTibetanUprisingDay,rememberingthe1959protestagainstChineseoccupationthatultimatelyledtothecrackdownagainsttheTibetanfreedommovementandtheDalaiLama’sflightintoexile.In2008,leadinguptotheBeijingOlympics,thatdayhadturnedviolent,startingintheTibetancapitalcityofLhasaandthenspreadingthroughoutTibetandcitiesaroundtheworld.

“AsusualwehadagatheringtocommemoratethetenthofMarch.Afterthemeetingwasover,IreceivedamessagefromLhasathatsomeofthelocalpeoplehadstarteddemonstrations.WhenIheardthisIwasveryconcernedandquiteanxious.Icouldnotdoanything.Ifelthelpless.Iknewiftheyreallycarriedoutdemonstrations,itwouldactuallyresultonlyinmoresuffering,moreproblems.Andthisisexactlywhathappened,withtheviolentcrackdownandthedeathandimprisonmentofsomanyTibetanswhohadparticipatedintheprotests.Overthenextfewdays,duringmymeditation,IactuallyvisualizedsomeofthoseChineselocalauthoritiesanddidoneofourpractices,calledtonglen,literallymeaning‘givingandtaking.’Itriedtotakeontheirfear,anger,suspicion,andtogivethemmylove,myforgiveness.Ofcourse,thiswouldhavenophysicaleffectontheground.Itwouldnotchangethesituation.Butyousee,mentallyitwasvery,veryhelpfultokeepacalmmind.Itwasagoodopportunitytopracticeforgivenessandcompassion.SoIthinkthateverypersonhasthissamesortofopportunity,thissamecapacity.”

“IdoattimesgetveryangrywithGod,”theArchbishopthenadded,laughing.

“Someofmyfriends,”theDalaiLamasaid,“whentheyarereallyfacingsometrouble,sometimestheycomplainattheBuddha—sosimilaridea.”

“Yes,”theArchbishopcontinued,“IusuallywouldgotomychapelifIhadsomethingthatreallyupsetme.IwouldlambastGod.TheprophetJeremiahwouldsaytoGod,‘Youmisledme.Youcalledmetobeaprophet,andIsaidIdon’twanttobeaprophet.Andyousaid,no,Iwillbewithyou.Allyouhavemademesaytothesepeople—peopleIloveverymuch—istocondemnthem.’And,yes,thatishowIdoit.JeremiahismyfavoriteprophetintheBibleforpreciselythishonestythathehad.YoucangotoGodandspeakallyouhave,pouringitoutinthatfashion.”IwonderedhowmanytimestheArchbishop,likeJeremiah,hadtoldGodhedidnotwanttobeaprophet.

“IweepwhensomethinghashappenedwhereImaynotbeabletoassist.IacknowledgethatitissomethingIcandoverylittleabout.

“IrememberoneofthetimesthatIwasquitedespairing.ChrisHaniwasoneofourmostincredibleyoungleaders.TherewasnodoubthewasgoingtosucceedNelsonMandela.ButthenhewasassassinatedjustbeforeEaster,leadinguptoourfirstdemocraticelections.

“IwasatthecathedralinCapeTownwhenIheard.Iwasstunned,asweremostSouthAfricans.IgotbackhometoBishopscourt.LeahsaidtomethattherehavebeenmanycallsaboutChrisHani.Ibrokedown,andLeahheldme,likeIwasababy.IthinkithelpedbecauselateronIhadtogoandpreachathisfuneral.Andwehadahugecrowdofpeoplewhowerevery,veryangry.Iknewhowtheyfelt,becauseIhadbeenthroughthesamesortofthing.AndIcouldappealtothemnotfromasuperiorpositionbutfromapositionofonewhowaswiththemandwhohadfeltthesameanguishandpain.

“Itisalsogoodtorecognize—speakingfromourstruggleagainstapartheid—howincrediblynoblepeopleare.Youknowhumanbeingsarebasicallygood.Youknowthat’swherewehavetostart.Thateverythingelseisanaberration.Anythingthatswervesawayfromthatisthe

exception—evenwhennowandagaintheycanbeveryfrustrating.Peopleareremarkably,remarkably,remarkablygood,incredibleintheirgenerosity.Andwehadtheopportunityofseeingthis,especiallyduringtheTruthandReconciliationCommissioninSouthAfrica.Itwasamazingtolistentopeoplewhohadsuffered,notonlyblackpeople,youknow—whitepeople,too.NotonlySouthAfricans,butAmericans.

“Therewasafamilywhosedaughterhadbeenkilled,brutallykilled,whocameandsaidtheysupportedthegrantingofamnestytothosewhohadkilledtheirdaughtersogruesomely.Theparentshadevenopenedanonprofittohelppeopleinthetownshipwheretheirdaughterhadbeenmurdered,andtheyhadevenemployedthemenwhohadkilledtheirdaughterandwhoseamnestytheyhadsupported.

“We’vealwaysgottoberecognizingthatdespitetheaberrations,thefundamentalthingabouthumanity,abouthumankind,aboutpeople,isthattheyaregood,theyweremadegood,andtheyreallywanttobegood.

“Yes,therearemany,manythingsthatcandepressus.Buttherealsoareverymanythingsthatarefantasticaboutourworld.Unfortunatelythemediadonotreportonthesebecausetheyarenotseenasnews.”

“Ithinkyouareright,”theDalaiLamasaid.“Whenbadthingshappentheybecomenews,anditiseasytofeellikeourbasichumannatureistokillortorapeortobecorrupt.Thenwecanfeelthatthereisnotmuchhopeforourfuture.

“Allthesethingshappen,buttheyareunusual,whichiswhytheybecomenews.Therearemillionsandmillionsofchildrenwhoarelovedbytheirparentseveryday.Theninschooltheirteacherscareforthem.Okay,maybetherearesomebadteachers,butmostofthemreallyarekindandcaring.Theninthehospital,everydaymillionsofpeoplereceiveimmensecaring.Butthisissocommonthatnoneofitbecomesnews.Wetakeitforgranted.

“Whenwelookatthenews,wemustkeepthismoreholisticview.Yes,thisorthatterriblethinghashappened.Nodoubt,thereareverynegativethings,butatthesametimetherearemanymorepositivethingshappeninginourworld.Wemusthaveasenseofproportionandawiderperspective.Thenwewillnotfeeldespairwhenweseethesesadthings.”

Neithermanwasaskingustolookattheworldthroughrose-coloredglassesortonotseetheworldwithanythingbutasearinglyhonestview.TheArchbishopevendiscouragedpeoplefrombeingoptimistic.

“You’vespoken,Archbishop,verypowerfully,abouthowhopeisnotthesameasoptimism.Couldyoutellusalittlebitaboutthedistinctionyoumake?”

“Hope,”theArchbishopsaid,“isquitedifferentfromoptimism,whichismoresuperficialandliabletobecomepessimismwhenthecircumstanceschange.Hopeissomethingmuchdeeper.

“ImentionedearlieraboutChrisHani,whoseassassinationoccurredataverycriticalpointinthenegotiationsforanew,democraticSouthAfrica.Wewereontheedgeofaprecipice.Itwassoseriousthatthethenpresident,thewhitepresidentofSouthAfrica,F.W.deKlerk,askedNelsonMandelatoaddressthenation.

“Thatincidentcouldhavecausedthecollapseofthenegotiations,butitdidn’t,infact.WewerefortunatethatwehadsomeonelikeNelsonMandela.

“Now,ifyouhadbeenanoptimist,youwouldhavesaid,Well,theassassinationofChrisHaniisreallytheendofeverything.Whatmadepeoplewanttogoongoingon—holdingonbytheskinoftheirteeth—wasnotoptimismbuthope—dogged,inextinguishablehope.

“IsaytopeoplethatI’mnotanoptimist,becausethat,inasense,issomethingthatdependsonfeelingsmorethantheactualreality.Wefeeloptimistic,orwefeelpessimistic.Now,hopeisdifferentinthatitisbasednotontheephemeralityoffeelingsbutonthefirmgroundofconviction.Ibelievewithasteadfastfaiththattherecanneverbeasituationthatisutterly,totallyhopeless.Hopeisdeeperandvery,veryclosetounshakable.It’sinthepitofyourtummy.It’snotinyourhead.It’sallhere,”hesaid,pointingtohisabdomen.

“Despaircancomefromdeepgrief,butitcanalsobeadefenseagainsttherisksofbitterdisappointmentandshatteringheartbreak.Resignationandcynicismareeasier,moreself-soothingposturesthatdonotrequiretherawvulnerabilityandtragicriskofhope.Tochoosehopeistostepfirmlyforwardintothehowlingwind,baringone’schesttothe

elements,knowingthat,intime,thestormwillpass.”AstheArchbishopwasexplaining,hopeistheantidotetodespair.Yet

hoperequiresfaith,evenifthatfaithisinnothingmorethanhumannatureortheverypersistenceoflifetofindaway.Hopeisalsonurturedbyrelationship,bycommunity,whetherthatcommunityisaliteraloneoronefashionedfromthelongmemoryofhumanstrivingwhosemembershipincludesGandhi,King,Mandela,andcountlessothers.Despairturnsusinward.Hopesendsusintothearmsofothers.

AndthentheArchbishopturnedtomeandmadeitsopersonalyetsouniversal.

“Inmanywaysit’sthesamekindofthingaslove.WhydidyouproposetoRachel?Whatmadeyouthinkitwasgoingtolast?Youknowyoudidn’thaveevidence.Alotofpeoplewereasmadlyinloveasyouwerewithherearlyon.Andafewyearslater,theydivorced.Butyouknewinthedepthofyourbeing,thisissheforme,asshealsosaid,thisisheforme.And,well,”hesaidwithalaugh,“youturnedouttoberight.”

TLoneliness:NoNeedforIntroduction

hroughoutsocietytodaypeoplefeelgreatloneliness,”theDalaiLamasaidaswebeganourdiscussionaftertea.Weweretalkingaboutlonelinessandalienationandsometroubling

recentstatistics.AstudybysociologistLynnSmith-Lovinhadfoundthatthenumberofclosefriendspeoplereporthavinghasreducedfromthreetotwo.WhilewemighthavehundredsofFacebookfriends,ourtrue,closefriendsaredecreasing.Perhapsmostconcerningofall,oneintenpeoplesaidtheyhadnoclosefriendshipsatall.

“Actually,inAmericaandinIndiaalso,”theDalaiLamacontinued,“peopleinthebigcitiesareverybusy,andalthoughtheymayseeeachother’sfacesorevenknoweachotherforseveralyears,theyhavepracticallynohumanconnection.Sowhensomethinghappens,peoplefeellonelybecausetheyhavenoonetheycanturntoforhelporsupport.”

HavinggrownupinManhattan,surroundedbysevenmillionNewYorkers,IknewexactlywhattheDalaiLamawassaying.Asaboy,Ineverreallymetthepeoplewholivedonourapartmentfloor.Iwouldoccasionallyheartheirdoorsclosewithanemptymetallicclang,andlocksturnbehindthem.Ifwedidseethemwhilewaitingfortheelevator,fewwordswerespokenandeyeswereaverted.Iwasalwaysbewilderedbythiswillfulavoidanceandfinallyconcludedthatitmusthavebeenadefenseagainstthecrushofsomanypeoplecrowdedtogether.

“Inruralareas,farmershavehadastrongersenseofcommunity,”theDalaiLamaexplained.“So,whensomeoneorsomefamilyisfacingaproblem,youhavethefeelingthatyoucanaskyourneighborsforhelp.Eveninbigcitieswithmillionsofpeople,westillhavetheresponsibilityforeachotherwhetherweknoweachotherornot.”

Ithoughtofthelockeddoorsonourapartmentbuildingfloor.Howcouldwehaveresponsibilityforpeoplewedidnotevenknow?Thosecloseddoors,andtheunseenpeoplebehindthem,werelikeaconstant

reminderthatwewerenotconnected.Now,astheDalaiLamawasspeaking,Iwonderediftheavertedeyesofmychildhood,waitingfortheelevatororinthesubway,wereperhapstheshameofbeingphysicallycloseandemotionallydistant.

“Wearesamehumanbeings,”theDalaiLamasaid,returningtooneofhismostprofoundrefrains.“Noneedforintroduction.Samehumanface,whenweseeoneanotherweimmediatelyknowthisisahumanbrotherorsister.Whetheryouknowthemornot,youcansmileandsayhello.”IthoughtofthetimesthatIhadsmiledandspokenwithwarmthtothepersonwaitingforanelevatororstandinginasubway.Yes,sometimesmybidforhumanconnectionwasmetwithconfusion,sinceitwasnotthesocialexpectation,butmostoftentherewasarelievedsmile,asifwehadbrokenatranceandwereonceagainacknowledgingourhumanbond.

“Ourwholesocietyhasamaterialisticculture,”theDalaiLamasaid.“Inthematerialisticwayoflife,there’snoconceptoffriendship,noconceptoflove,justwork,twenty-fourhoursaday,likeamachine.Soinmodernsociety,weeventuallyalsobecomepartofthatlargemovingmachine.”

TheDalaiLamawasnamingadeeppaininthechestofmodernlife,butonethatwassocommonwehadforgottenthatitwasnotnormal.IthoughtofwhattheArchbishophadsaidofUbuntu,howwearewhowearethroughoneanother,howourhumanityisboundupinoneanother.

TheDalaiLamahadexplainedthatinBuddhismthereistherecognitionofourinterdependenceoneverylevel—socially,personally,subatomically.TheDalaiLamahadoftenemphasizedthatwearebornanddietotallydependentonothers,andthattheindependencethatwethinkweexperienceinbetweenisamyth.

“Ifwestresssecondarylevelofdifferences—mynation,myreligion,mycolor—thenwenoticethedifferences.LikethismomentnowinAfrica,thereistoomuchemphasisonthisnationorthatnation.TheyshouldthinkthatwearesameAfricans.Furthermore,wearesamehumanbeings.Samewithreligion:ShiiteandSunni,orChristianandMuslim.Wearesamehumanbeings.Thesedifferencesbetweenreligionsare

W

personalmatters.Whenwerelatetoothersfromtheplaceofcompassionitgoestothefirstlevel,thehumanlevel,notthesecondarylevelofdifference.Thenyoucanevenhavecompassionforyourenemy.

“So,weallhavethesamepotentialforaffection.Andnowscientistsarediscoveringthatourbasichumannatureiscompassionate.Theproblemisthatchildrengotoschoolswheretheyarenottaughttonurturethesedeeperhumanvalues,sotheirbasichumanpotentialbecomesdormant.”

“Perhapsoursynagogues,ourtemples,andourchurches,”ArchbishopTutuadded,“arenotaswelcomingastheyshouldbe.Ireallythinkthatwedoneedforthesefellowshipstodoagreatdealmoretohavethosewhoarelonelycomeandshare.Notinanaggressiveway,orinorder,asitwere,toincreasetheirrecordsortheirranks,butreallyjustkeenlyinterestedinonepersonwhocomesandgetswhattheydidnothavebefore—warmthandfellowship.Thereareprogramsthatsetouttobreakdownthatloneliness.”

•••

eoftenarealonewithoutfeelinglonelyandfeellonelywhenwearenotalone,aswhenweareinacrowdofstrangersorataparty

ofpeoplewedonotknow.Clearlythepsychologicalexperienceoflonelinessisquitedifferentfromthephysicalexperienceofbeingalone.Wecanfeeljoywhenwearealonebutnotwhenwearelonely.Afterourteabreak,thedialoguereturnedtothistopic.

“YourHoliness,wefinishedourlastsessiontalkingaboutloneliness,andIwantedtocomebacktothesubjectforonemorequestion.Monksspendalotoftimealone.Sowhatisthedifferencebetweenbeingaloneandbeinglonely?”

TheDalaiLamaturnedtotheArchbishoptoseeifhewantedtoanswer.

“No,I’venotbeenamonk,man.Youstart.”“Monksseparatethemselvesfromthematerialworld,notjust

physicallybutmentally.Accordingtohisreligion,”hesaid,pointingto

theArchbishop,“Christianmonksarealwaysthinkingthey’reinthelightofGod,dedicatedtoservingGod.WecannottouchGoddirectly,sotheonlywayisservingGod’schildren,humanity.Soweareneverreallylonely.

“Muchdependsonyourattitude.Ifyouarefilledwithnegativejudgmentandanger,thenyouwillfeelseparatefromotherpeople.Youwillfeellonely.Butifyouhaveanopenheartandarefilledwithtrustandfriendship,evenifyouarephysicallyalone,evenlivingahermit’slife,youwillneverfeellonely.”

“Itisironic,isn’tit?”Ioffered,rememberingLamaTenzin,whotoldus,whileweboughtdoughnutsonourwaytoDharamsala,thathehadadesiretoliveinacaveforthetraditionallengthofoverthreeyears.“Youcanspendthreeyears,threemonths,andthreedaysinacaveandnotbelonely,butyoucanbelonelyinthemiddleofacrowd.”

“That’sright,”theDalaiLamareplied.“Thereareatleastsevenbillionpeopleandthenumberofsentientbeingsislimitless.Ifyouarealwaysthinkingaboutthesevenbillionhumanbeings,youwillneverexperienceloneliness.

“Theonlythingthatwillbringhappinessisaffectionandwarmheartedness.Thisreallybringsinnerstrengthandself-confidence,reducesfear,developstrust,andtrustbringsfriendship.Wearesocialanimals,andcooperationisnecessaryforoursurvival,butcooperationisentirelybasedontrust.Whenthereistrust,peoplearebroughttogether—wholenationsarebroughttogether.Whenyouhaveamorecompassionatemindandcultivatewarmheartedness,thewholeatmospherearoundyoubecomesmorepositiveandfriendlier.Youseefriendseverywhere.Ifyoufeelfearanddistrust,thenotherpeoplewilldistancethemselves.Theywillalsofeelcautious,suspicious,anddistrustful.Thencomesthefeelingofloneliness.

“Whensomeoneiswarmhearted,theyarealwayscompletelyrelaxed.Ifyoulivewithfearandconsideryourselfassomethingspecial,thenautomatically,emotionally,youaredistancedfromothers.Youthencreatethebasisforfeelingsofalienationfromothersandloneliness.So,Ineverconsider,evenwhengivingatalktoalargecrowd,thatIam

somethingspecial,Iam‘HisHolinesstheDalaiLama,’”hesaid,mockinghisveneratedstatus.“IalwaysemphasizethatwhenImeetpeople,weareallthesamehumanbeings.Athousandpeople—samehumanbeing.Tenthousandorahundredthousand—samehumanbeing—mentally,emotionally,andphysically.Then,yousee,nobarrier.Thenmymindremainscompletelycalmandrelaxed.Iftoomuchemphasisonmyself,andIstarttothinkI’msomethingspecial,thenmoreanxiety,morenervousness.

“Theparadoxisthatalthoughthedrivebehindexcessiveself-focusistoseekgreaterhappinessforyourself,itendsupdoingexactlytheopposite.Whenyoufocustoomuchonyourself,youbecomedisconnectedandalienatedfromothers.Intheend,youalsobecomealienatedfromyourself,sincetheneedforconnectionwithothersissuchafundamentalpartofwhoweareashumanbeings.

“Thisexcessiveself-focusisalsobadforyourhealth.Toomuchfearanddistrust,toomuchfocusonyourselfleadstostressandhighbloodpressure.Manyyearsago,IwasatagatheringofmedicalscientistsandresearchersatColumbiaUniversityinNewYork.Oneofthemedicalscientistssaidinhispresentationthatthosepeoplewhodisproportionatelyusethefirst-personpronouns—I,I,I,me,me,me,andmine,mine,mine—haveasignificantlygreaterriskofhavingaheartattack.Hedidn’texplainwhy,butIfeltthismustbetrue.Thisisadeepinsight.Withtoomuchself-focusyourvisionbecomesnarrow,andwiththisevenasmallproblemappearsoutofproportionandunbearable.

“Also,fearanddistrustcomefromtoomuchfocusonyourself.Thiswillcauseyoutoalwaysremainseparatefromyourhumanbrothersandsisters.Thisbringslonelinessanddifficultycommunicatingwithotherpeople.Afterall,youarepartofthecommunity,soyouhavetodealwiththem.Yourinterestsandyourfuturedependonotherpeople.Ifyouisolateyourselffromthem,howcanyoubeahappyperson?Youjusthavemoreworryandmorestress.SometimesIsaythattoomuchself-centerednessclosesourinnerdoor,anditbecomeshardtocommunicatewithotherpeople.Whenweareconcernedwiththewell-beingofotherhumanbeings,thatinnerdooropens,andweareabletocommunicate

veryeasilywithotherpeople.”TheDalaiLamawassayingthatwhenoneisthinkingaboutothers

withkindnessandcompassion,oneisneverlonely.Openheartedness—warmheartedness—istheantidotetoloneliness.IthasoftenamazedmethatonedayIcanwalkdownthestreetfeelingjudgmentalandcriticalofothers,andIwillfeelseparateandlonely,andthenextdayIcanwalkdownthesamestreetwithmoreopenheartedacceptanceandcompassionandsuddenlyeveryoneseemswarmandfriendly.Itisalmostasifmyinnerstateofmindandheartchangesthephysicalandsocialworldaroundmecompletely.

ThisfocusontheimportanceofwarmheartednessechoestheresearchofsocialpsychologistsChen-BoZhongandShiraGabriel,whohavefoundthatwhenpeoplearefeelinglonelyorsociallyrejected,theyliterallyseekwarmth,likesippinghotsoup.WhattheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopweresayingisthatwecangeneratethatwarmthsimplybyopeningourheartsandturningourattentionandourconcerntootherpeople.

“Archbishop,didyouwanttoaddanything?Iknowyouhaven’tbeenamonastic,butyoudospendalotoftimeinprayerandmeditationonyourown.”

“Certainlyinoursortofprayer,”theArchbishopexplained,“itisneverthealonespeakingtothealone.OurconceptofGodisofaGodwhoisone,butwhoisafellowship,acommunity,theTrinity.AndwearemadeintheimageofthisGod.WhenyoubecomeaChristian,youareincorporatedintoafellowship.Soevenwhenyougointoretreat,youarenotalone.”

“It’ssimilartowhattheDalaiLamaissaying,”Isaid.“Ifyouconnect,evenifthatfellowshipissevenbillionpeople,thenyoudon’tfeellonely.”

“Yes,yes,”theArchbishopreplied.“It’ssomethingofanoxymorontobelonely.ButIcanverywellunderstandwhenyoufeelalienated,whenyouarenotonthesamewavelength,asitwere.Andonewantstoenterintothatsenseofbeinginsolidarity.Idon’tthinkwehelppeoplebymakingthemfeelguilty.Wewanttotrytobeaswelcomingaswe

possiblycanandsaythattheexperiencetheyhaveissomethingthatmanyotherpeoplealsohave.Feelinglonelyisnotsomethingthatwedodeliberately.Idon’tthinkyousetouttosay,Iwanttofeellonely.It’sjustthere.Ithappensandforverymanyreasons.

“Youwanttomakethepersonfeelreallyastheyare,special.Andacceptedastheyareandhelptoopenthem.Icanverywellunderstandtheincredibleanguishandpainthatsomeonemustfeelwhoiscoopedupinaroombecausetheyarescaredofgoingoutandbeingrejected.Andyoujusthopeandpraythattheywillfindafellowshipofpeoplewhowillembraceandwelcomethem.It’swonderfultoseepeoplewhowerecloseddownopenuplikeabeautifulflowerinthewarmthandacceptanceofthosearoundthem.”

WhatIhadlearnedfromourdialoguewasthatwedidnothavetowaitforotherstoopentheirheartstous.Byopeningourhearttothem,wecouldfeelconnectedtothem,whetheronamountaintoporinthemiddleofManhattan.

I

Envy:ThatGuyGoesPastYetAgaininHisMercedes-Benz

tisnotthatyouwakeupinthemorningandyousay,Now,I’mgoingtobeenvious.Itjustrisesspontaneously,”theArchbishopbegan,once

againarguingforthenaturalnessofouremotionsandforself-compassion.“Imeanyougetup,andyou’retryingtobeagoodpersonandthatguygoespastyetagain,forthethirdtimethisweek,inhisMercedes-Benzorsomeotherverynicecar.Youhavebeentryingnottofeeljealouseachtimehepasseswithhiscar,butthisfeelingjustcomesup.”

Comparisonisindeedhuman—evenbeyondhuman;itisnaturalthroughouttheanimalworld.AstheDalaiLamawouldpointout,evendogsthatareeatingtogetherpeacefullycansuddenlystartcomparingthesizeoftheirportiontoanother’s,andafightcanbreakoutwithbarkingandthegnashingofteeth.Butitisforhumansthatenvycanbecomeasourceofgreatdissatisfaction.ThereisaTibetanBuddhistteachingthatsayswhatcausessufferinginlifeisageneralpatternofhowwerelatetoothers:“Envytowardtheabove,competitivenesstowardtheequal,andcontempttowardthelower.”

Fairnessseemstobehardwiredintoourgenes,andsoweareveryuncomfortablewithinequalityofanysort.PrimatologistFransdeWaalhasavideoofanexperimentwithcapuchinmonkeys,ourdistantrelativeswhoareoftenusedinpsychologicaltestsasproxiesforhumans.Inthevideo,whichhasgonewildlyviral,oneofthesmall-headed,long-limbedgraymonkeysgivestheexperimenterarockandthenreceivesacucumbersliceaspayment.Themonkeyisquitehappytodothisoverandover,untilheseeshisneighborperformthesamerock-givingtaskbutreceiveagrape.Intheworldofcapuchinmonkeys,agrapeisabetter,sweeterfoodthanacucumber.Perhapsforhumans,too.Afterthefirst

monkeyseeshisneighborgettingagrape,heperformstherock-givingtaskyetagain,althoughevenmoreeagerlythistime,hisheadnowperkingupinexpectationathisgrapereward.However,asrequiredinthisexperimentofsocialcomparisons,theexperimentergivesthefirstmonkeyanothercucumberinsteadofagrape.

Thecapuchinlooksatthecucumberinhishand,pullinghisheadbackinseemingdisbelief,andthenthrowsthecucumberbackattheexperimenter.Inuncontrollablerage,themonkeygrabsthebarsofthecageandshakesthem.ThisvideobecamepopularduringthetimeoftheWallStreetprotestsintheUnitedStatesbecauseitsosuccinctlyandpoignantlyrevealedhowourfundamentalinstinctsforfairnessworkandwhyinequalityisstressfulanddamagingtoasociety.

TheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamaspokefrequentlythroughtheweekofdialoguesabouttheneedtoaddressinequalityonthesocietallevel.Yethowevermuchweaddresstheselargeglobalimbalances,astheArchbishophaspointedout,therewillalwaysbepeoplewhohavemorethanwedo,orwhoaremoresuccessful,orwhoaremoretalentedorsmarterorbetter-looking.

Usually,wedon’tactuallycompareourselvestothehedgefundbillionaireortothegeniusscientistortothesupermodel.Wetendtocompareourselvestothosewhoareinoursocialcircle.Astheoldsayinggoes,“Ifyouwanttobepoor,findsomerichfriends.Ifyouwanttoberich,findsomepoorfriends.”KeepingupwiththeJoneseshappenswithinapeergroup.

Jinpatoldmethatinthe1990stheUnitedStatesgavegreencardstoaboutathousandTibetansinIndiaaspartofaspecialprogramforrefugees.WhentheseTibetansstartedsendingdollarsbacktotheirfamilies,theirneighborsstartedtogetjealousbecausesuddenlythesefamilieshadmoredisposableincomeandcouldrenovatetheirhomesorbuytheirchildrenmotorbikes.It’snotthatthosefamilieswhohadnooneintheStateshadbecomepoorer;it’sthattheirneighborswithfamilyintheStateshadsuddenlybecomericher.

Accordingtothehappinessresearch,“upwardcomparisons”areparticularlycorrosivetoourwell-being.Envydoesn’tleaveroomforjoy.

TheTibetanwordforenvyistrakdok,whichmeans“heavyorconstrictedshoulders,”andindeedthefeelingofenvyleavesonewithapinchedfeelingofdiscontentandresentment,tingedwithguilt.Buddhismseesenvyassocorrosivethatitcomparesittoavenomoussnakethatpoisonsus.IntheJudeo-Christiantradition,oneoftheTenCommandmentsforbids“coveting”thyneighbor’shouse.

TheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamawereindisagreementabouthowtorespondtoenvy,withtheArchbishopcomingdownonthesideofacceptanceandself-forgiveness.“Imean,youdon’treallyhaveagreatdealofcontroloverit.Ithink,fartoofrequently,wearetoohardonourselves.Weforgetthatmanyofthesethingsaffectallofusuniversally.Iwouldhopethatwecouldhelppeopledissipatetheguiltthattheyalsotendtohave,becausealmosteverybody,whentheyarefeelingenvious,alsohasguiltattachedtoit.IwouldsaythethingthatwewanttobesayingtoGod’schildrenoutthereis,Forgoodness’sake,therearethingsaboutusthatwedonotcontrol.”

TheArchbishopthenwentontoofferapowerfulremedyforenvy:gratitude.“Ithinkthatoneofthebestwaysyoucanbegintocounteritisthatoldoneofcountingyourblessings.Thatmightsoundveryold,old,old,old,old,grandfather-style,butyes,itdoeshelp.Youknowyoumightnothaveasbigahouseasthatperson,butyouknowwhat?You’renotlivinginashack.Sobeingthankfulforthethingsthatyoudoinfacthavecanhelp.”

Andthenheofferedanotherremedy:motivation.“Certainlywithenvy,itcanalsobeaspur,youknow?Itcanhelpyousay,Ihaven’tgotacarorahouselikethatguy,sowhydon’tIaimtoworktotryandgetsomethinglikethat?”AstheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamahadsaid,theseexternalgoalswillnotbringustruejoyorlastinghappiness,butmotivationtoimproveoursituationiscertainlybetterthanenvyofsomeoneelse’s.

AndthentheArchbishopofferedhisfinalandmosteffectiveremedy:reframing.“Theverybestisbeingabletoaskyourself,‘WhydoIwanttohaveahousethathassevenroomswhenthereareonlytwoorthreeofus?WhydoIwanttohaveit?’Andyoucanturnitonitsheadandlookat

howweareinsuchamesswithclimatechangebecauseofourgallopingconsumption,whichfortheenvironmenthasbeennothinglessthandisastrous.Soyoubuythesmallelectriccarinstead,andyousay,noIdon’tneedorwantthatbigluxurycar.Soinsteadofitbeingyourenemy,nowit’syourally.”

JinpatranslatedwhattheArchbishophadsaidfortheDalaiLama.“That’sexactlywhatIsaid,”theArchbishopsaid,andlaughed.“Fortunately,youdonotunderstandTibetan,”theDalaiLamashot

backwithaquicksmile.AndthenIsawhimdowhateachofthemdidthroughoutthedialogueswhentheywouldcometoapointofdisagreement:reaffirmtherelationshipandcomplimenttheother.ItmademethinkofrelationshipscientistsJohnGottmanandJulieSchwartzGottman’sobservationthatinsuccessfulconflictthereisa“softenedstart-up,”oradelicateentryintotheareaofdisagreement.

“SoIthink,frommyviewpoint,myspiritualbrother’sexplanationiswonderful,wonderful.Yousee,atthemomentthatenvyorjealousydevelops,younolongercanmaintainyourpeaceofmind.Sojealousyactuallydestroysyourpeaceofmind.Thenthatjealousycanbecomecorrosivetotherelationship.Evenwithyourgoodfriend,ifyoudevelopsomesortofjealousy,itwillbeveryharmfultoyourfriendship.Evenwithhusbandandwife,ifsomekindofjealousydevelops,itwillbeveryharmfultothemarriage.Wecanseeitevenwithdogsthatareeatinginahappyatmospherepeacefully,butifonebecomesjealousofwhatanotherhas—conflict,fighting.

“Itisimportanttocultivateanyemotionthatbringsjoyfulnessandpeaceofmind.Anysortofemotionthatdisturbsthishappinessandpeaceofmind,wemustlearntoavoidrightfromthebeginning.

“Ithinkitisamistakejusttoconsiderallofthesenegativeemotions,likeangerorjealousy,asnormalpartsofourmind,somethingwecannotdomuchabout.Toomanynegativeemotionsdestroyourownpeaceofmind,ourhealth,andcreatetroubleinourfamily,withourfriends,andinourcommunity.

“Oftenenvycomesbecausewearetoofocusedonmaterialpossessionsandnotonourtrueinnervalues.Whenwefocuson

experienceorknowledge,thereismuchlessenvy.Butmostimportantistodevelopasenseofconcernforothers’well-being.Ifyouhavegenuinekindnessorcompassion,thenwhensomeonegetssomethingorhasmoresuccessyouareabletorejoiceintheirgoodfortune.Forapersonwhoiscommittedtocompassionpracticeandagenuinesenseofconcernforothers’well-being,thenyouwillrejoiceinothers’goodfortunebecauseyouwillbehappythatwhatthatpersonaspiresforisbeingobtained.”

TheDalaiLamawasdescribingtheBuddhistconceptofmudita,whichisoftentranslatedas“sympatheticjoy”anddescribedastheantidotetoenvy.MuditaissoimportantinBuddhismthatitisconsideredoneoftheFourImmeasurables,qualitieswecancultivateinfinitely.Theotherthreeareloving-kindness,compassion,andequanimity.

Jinpahadexplainedhowmuditaworks:Ifsomeonehassomethingthatwewant,say,abiggerhouse,wecanconsciouslytakejoyintheirgoodfortunebytellingourselves:“Goodforhim.Justlikeme,he,too,wantstobehappy.He,too,wantstobesuccessful.He,too,wantstosupporthisfamily.Mayhebehappy.Icongratulatehimandwanthimtohavemoresuccess.”Muditarecognizesthatlifeisnotazero-sumgame,thatthereisnotjustonesliceofcakeinwhichsomeoneelse’stakingmoremeanswegetless.Muditaseesjoyaslimitless.

Asmentionedearlier,muditaisalsotheoppositefeelingtoschadenfreude,theGermanwordforthefeelingofsatisfactionorpleasureinhearingofothers’misfortune.Schadenfreudeseesusinaconstantstruggleofoneagainstallothers,andifsomeoneelsesucceedsoraccomplishessomething,thenwearesomehowdiminished,lesssuccessful,lessacceptable,lesslovable.Schadenfreudeisanaturaloutgrowthofenvy.Muditaisanaturaloutgrowthofcompassion.

Muditaisbasedontherecognitionofourinterdependence,orUbuntu.TheArchbishopexplainsthatinAfricanvillages,onewouldaskingreeting,“Howarewe?”Thisunderstandingseesthatsomeoneelse’sachievementsorhappinessisinaveryrealwayourown.TheArchbishopfrequentlymarvelsattheextraordinarybeautyandtalentthatwehumanshave.“Lookhowbeautifulyouallare,”hewillsaytoagatheredcrowd.Unfortunately,however,mostofuswanttocutothersdowntoourself-

perceivedsize,andweseeourselvesassoterriblysmallandweak.Whenwerememberourinterdependence,wediscoverwearesoincrediblylargeandstrong.

“ThereisanoldstoryfromthetimeoftheBuddha,”theDalaiLamasaid.“OnedayakinginvitedtheBuddhaandhismonksforlunch.Onhiswaytothepalace,theBuddhapassedbyabeggarwhowaspraisingthekingandsmilingashespokeofthebeautyofthepalace.Aftertheking’sservantsservedalongmeal,withmanycourses,totheBuddhaandhisgatheringofmonks,thetimecameformakingthededication.TheBuddhachantedaprayertodedicatethemerit,orthegoodkarma,ofthemeal.However,insteadofdedicatingthemeritofthehost,thekingwhomadethegenerousofferingofthemealtotheBuddhaandhisassembly,whichwasthecustom,theBuddhachosethebeggarstandingoutside.Shocked,oneofhisseniormonksaskedtheBuddhawhyhechosethebeggarforhisdedicationprayer.TheBuddharepliedthatthekingwasfilledwithprideinshowingoffhiskingdom,whilethebeggar,whohadnothing,wasabletorejoiceintheking’sgoodfortune.Forthisreasonthebeggarhadcreatedmoremeritthantheking.EventodayinThailandtheymaintainthistraditionofdedicatingthemeritoftheofferingofameal.DuringmyvisittoThailandintheearly1970sIhadthehonortoparticipateinonesuchlunch,whereoneoftheseniormonkssaidprayersandofferedthededication.Sorejoicinginothers’goodfortunereallybringsalotofpositivebenefits.”

“How,”IaskedtheDalaiLama,“dopeoplecultivatemudita?”“Firstly,weshouldrecognizeoursharedhumanity.Theseareour

humanbrothersandsisters,whohavethesamerightandthesamedesiretohaveahappylife.Thisisnotaspiritualthing.Itissimplycommonsense.Wearepartofthesamesociety.Wearepartofthesamehumanity.Whenhumanityishappy,wewillbehappy.Whenhumanityispeaceful,ourownlivesarepeaceful.Justlikeifyourfamilyishappy,youarebetteroff.

“Ifwehaveastrongsenseof‘Iandthey,’itishardtopracticemudita.Wemustdevelopthesenseof‘we.’Onceyou’reabletodevelopthatsenseofcommonhumanityandtheonenessofhumanity,thennaturally

youwillwantallotherstobefreefromsufferingandenjoyhappiness.Thedesireforhappinessisanaturalinstinctsharedbyeveryone.Itissimplyasenseofconcernonceagainforothers’well-being.”

“Obviously,envyisnotavirtue,”theArchbishopsaid,cautiousonceagainthatourself-developmentmightleadtoself-reproach.“YetIwouldhopewewouldnotmakesomeonefeelguilty,atleastinitially,aboutsomethingthatspringsupspontaneously.Youcan’tdoverymuchaboutthatfeeling,butyoucancounterit.”

“Likephysicalillness,”theDalaiLamainsisted.“Preventivemeasuresarethebestway.Yes,ifsomediseasehasalreadydeveloped,thenthere’snootherchoicebuttotakemedicine.Sosimilarly,onceapersondevelopsastrongnegativeemotion,likeangerorjealousy,itisverydifficulttocounteritatthatmoment.Sothebestthingistocultivateyourmindthroughpracticesothatyoucanlearntopreventitfromarisinginthefirstplace.Forexample,themajorsourceofangerisfrustrationanddissatisfaction.Atthemomentwhenanemotionlikeangerisfull-blown,evenifwetrytouseourexperienceandourknowledgetoreduceit,wewillfinditisverydifficulttostop.Atthatpointitislikeaflood.Duringmonsoonseason,itistoolatetostoptheflooding.Weneedtostartearlyinthespringandinvestigatewhatiscausingthefloodingandtrytobuildfloodwallstopreventdisaster.

“Similarly,forourmentalhealthalso,theearlierwestartpracticingpreventivemeasures,theeasierandmoreeffectivetheyare.Whenwearealreadysickitishardtorememberourdoctor’sadvice.Ithinknodoctorwouldsay,Ifyouhavemoreanger,youwillbehealthier.Doesyourdoctorsaythat?”

“No,”theArchbishopagreed.“Doctorsalwaysadviseustorelax.Relaxmeanscalmmind.Nottoo

muchagitation,whichwilldestroyyourrelaxation.Also,toomuchattachmentwilldestroyyourpeaceofmind,”theDalaiLamasaid,returningagaintoenvyandjealousy.“Youcanhaveanicehousewithanicebedroomandanicebath,andplayrelaxingmusic,butifyouarefullofanger,fullofjealousy,fullofattachment,youwillneverbeabletorelax.Incontrast,youmaybesittingonarockwithnothing,butifyour

mindiscompletelypeaceful,thenyoucanberelaxed.”Jinpatoldmethatthereisamemorableverseinawell-knownTibetan

textbythefirstPanchenLama.ThisisabeautifulprayerthatJinpausestocultivatemudita:

AsforsufferingIdonotwisheventheslightest;asforhappinessIamneversatisfied.Inthis,thereisnodifferencebetweenothersandme.BlessmesoImaytakejoyinothers’happiness.

T

SufferingandAdversity:PassingthroughDifficulties

hereisaTibetansayingthatadversitiescanturnintogoodopportunities,”theDalaiLamaexplainedinresponsetomyquestion

abouthowitispossibletoexperiencejoyevenattimesofsufferingandadversity.“Evenatragicsituationcanbecomeanopportunity.There’sanotherTibetansayingthatitisactuallythepainfulexperiencesthatshinethelightonthenatureofhappiness.Theydothisbybringingjoyfulexperiencesintosharprelief.

“Youcanseethisinanentiregenerationthathasexperiencedgreatdifficultieslikeyou,Archbishop,”theDalaiLamasaid.“Whenyougotyourfreedom,youreallyfeltjoyous.Nowthenewgeneration,whoarebornafter,theydon’tknowthetruejoyoffreedom,andcomplainmore.”

IrememberedseeingthelinesofpeoplewhohadwaitedforhoursandhourstovoteinthefirstdemocraticelectioninSouthAfricain1994.Thelinessnakedonformiles.Irememberwonderingatthetime,asU.S.voterturnoutwashoveringunderfortypercent,howlongthatsenseofjoyandappreciationfortherighttovotewouldlastandwhethertherewasanywaytoreviveitinAmericaamongthosewhohaveneverbeendeniedtherighttovote.

“IthinkinEurope,too,”theDalaiLamacontinued,“theoldergenerationreallywentthroughgreathardships.Theywerehardenedandstrengthenedbythosepainfulexperiences.SothisshowsthattheTibetansayingisreallytrue.Thesufferingiswhatmakesyouappreciatethejoy.”

AstheDalaiLamawasspeaking,Icouldnothelpthinkingofhowwetrysohard,withournaturalparentalinstinct,tosaveourchildrenfrompainandsuffering,butwhenwedo,werobthemoftheirabilitytogrowandlearnfromadversity.IrecalledpsychologistandAuschwitzsurvivorEdithEvaEgersayingthatthespoiled,pamperedchildrenwerethefirst

todieatAuschwitz.Theykeptwaitingforotherstocomesavethem,andwhennoonecame,theygaveup.Theyhadnotlearnedhowtosavethemselves.

“Manypeoplethinkofsufferingasaproblem,”theDalaiLamasaid.“Actually,itisanopportunitydestinyhasgiventoyou.Inspiteofdifficultiesandsuffering,youcanremainfirmandmaintainyourcomposure.”

IunderstoodwhattheDalaiLamawassaying,buthowdoweactuallyembraceoursufferingandseeitasanopportunitywhileweareinthemiddleofit?Certainlythiswaseasiersaidthandone.JinpahadmentionedthatintheTibetanspiritualteachingknownastheSeven-PointMindTraining,threecategoriesofpeopleareidentifiedasbeingspecialobjectsoffocusbecausethesearethemostchallenging:yourfamilymembers,yourteachers,andyourenemies.“Threeobjects,threepoisons,andthreerootsofvirtue.”Jinpaexplainedthemeaningofthiscrypticandintriguingphrase:“Oftenitisourday-to-dayinteractionwiththesethreeobjectsthatgiverisetothethreepoisonsofattachment,anger,anddelusion,whichareattheheartofsomuchsuffering.Throughspiritualtrainingwehavetheopportunitytotransformourengagementwithourfamily,teachers,andadversariesintothedevelopmentofthethreerootsofvirtue—nonattachment,compassion,andwisdom.”

“ManyTibetans,”theDalaiLamasaid,“spentyearsinChinesegulags,workcampswheretheyweretorturedandforcedtodohardlabor.This,someofthemtoldme,wasagoodtimetotesttherealperson,andtheirinnerstrength.Somelosthope;somekeptgoing.Educationhadverylittletodowithwhosurvived.Intheend,itwastheirinnerspirit,orwarmheartedness,thatmadetherealdifference.”

IhadexpectedtheDalaiLamatosaythatitwastheirfierceresolveanddeterminationthathadmadethedifference.Itwasfascinatingtohearthatitwaswhathecalledinnerspirit,orwarmheartedness,thathadallowedsometoendurethehardshipsofthegulags.

TheArchbishopnowrespondedtotheDalaiLamawithaquestion,echoingtheoneIhadaskedatthebeginningofourdiscussion.Wehadbeenclearfromthebeginningthatthisbookwastobeaboutjoyinthe

faceoflife’sinevitablesufferingandnotsomeabstractoraspirationaltheoryofjoy.Wewantedreaderstoknowhowtomaintainjoyatthemosttryingmomentsofourlife,notjustwhenallwas,toquotetheArchbishop,“hunky-dory-ness.”

“Heisasking,Howdowehelppeoplewhoreallywanttobejoyful,whoreallywanttoseetheworldbecomeabetterplace?Theylookattheworldandtheyseethehorrendousproblemsthereare.Andtheyfacequiteextraordinaryadversityintheirownlives.Whyareyoujoyfulevenwhenyouseetheseproblemsandhavefacedsuchchallenges?Therearevery,verymanypeopleintheworldwhodowanttobegood,whowanttobejoyful,whowanttobelikeyou.Imean,howdotheygettohavethiscalminthemidstofitall?Andyes,Ithinkthatyouarethemosteloquentstatement.Buttheywantusnowtotranslatethatstatementintolanguagethattheycanunderstand.”

Andthenasifinspiredtoanswerhisownquestion,theArchbishopcontinued,“Thisiswhatwewanttotellthem.Wesaythatyouwillbesurprisedbythejoytheminuteyoustopbeingtooself-regarding.Ofcourse,youhavetobesomewhatself-regarding,becausetheLordthatIfollowsaid—takingitfromthescripture—‘lovethyneighboras—’”

“‘You,’”theDalaiLamasaid,finishingthefamousteaching.“Yes,”theArchbishopsaid.“Thyself.Loveothersasyoulove

yourself.”“Yes,yes.”TheDalaiLamawasnoddinghisheadinagreement.TheArchbishoptranslatedthescriptureintocontemporaryphrasing.

“Youmustlongforthebestforthatotherasyouwouldwantthebestforyou.”

“That’sright,”theDalaiLamasaid.“Theylookonyouandtheyseeyouasawonderfulguru,orteacher,

andnotjustateacherbutanembodiment.Andtheylongtobeabletohavethesamecalmandjoy,evenwhentheyhaveallofthemany,many,manyfrustrations,likeyouhaveencountered.”

“ThisIthinkmeritsdiscussion,”theDalaiLamasaid.“Yousee,inrealitylikeourphysicalbody,wheregrowthtakestime,ourmentaldevelopmentalsotakestime—minutebyminute,daybyday,monthby

month,yearbyyear,decadebydecade.PerhapsIwillshareastoryfrommyownlife.

“WhenIwassixteen,Ilostmyfreedomintwosenses.ThepreviousDalaiLamahadnottakenonpoliticalresponsibilityuntilhewaseighteen,butinmycase,thepeopleaskedmetobecomeheadofthegovernmentearlybecausethesituationwasveryserious,astheChinesemilitaryhadalreadyinvadedtheeasternpartofTibet.WhentheChineseauthoritiesreachedLhasa,thingsbecameevenmoredelicate,andIlostmyfreedominasecondway,astheyseverelyrestrictedmyactions.

“Thispoliticalresponsibilityalsogreatlydamagedmystudies.AsIcarriedoutmygesheexaminationsatthemajormonasticuniversitiesaroundLhasaincentralTibet,theTibetansoldiershadtostandguardonthemountainsidenearby.ThenmyfinalexaminationwastobeinthecourtyardofthecentraltempleinLhasa.ThereweresomeworriesabouttheChinesemilitary,andsomeTibetanofficialswantedtochangethelocationbecausetheythoughtitwastoodangerous,butIsaidIdidnotthinkitwasnecessary.ButduringthedebateIhadalotofanxietyandworry,notjustformysafetybutalsoforthatofmypeople.

“Sothenatagetwenty-four,whenIescapedtoIndiainMarch1959,Ilostmyowncountry.Inoneway,thismademeverysad,particularlywhenIthinkoftheseriousquestionofwhethertheTibetannation,withitsuniqueculturalheritage,willactuallysurviveornot.TheTibetancivilizationhasexistedfortenthousandyears,andinsomeareasoftheTibetanplateau,humanhabitationexistedforasmanyasthirtythousandyears.Andtoday’ssituationofTibetisthemostseriouscrisisintheentirehistoryofthenation.DuringtheCulturalRevolution,someChineseofficialsmadeapledgethatwithinfifteenyearstheTibetanlanguagemustbeeliminated.Sotheyburnedbooks,suchasthethree-hundred-volumeTibetancanonofscripturestranslatedfromIndia,aswellasseveralthousandvolumeswrittenbyTibetansthemselves.Iwastoldthatthebookswouldburnforoneortwoweeks.Ourstatuesandourmonasterieswerebeingdestroyed.Soitwasavery,veryserioussituation.

“AndwhenwecametoIndiaasrefugeesin1959,wewerestrangersin

anewplace.AstheTibetansayinggoes:‘Theonlythingsthatwerefamiliartousweretheskyandtheearth.’ButwereceivedimmensehelpfromtheIndiangovernmentandsomeinternationalorganizations,includingsomeChristianorganizations,whorebuilttheTibetancommunitysothatwecouldkeepourculture,ourlanguage,andourknowledgealive.Soalotofdifficulties,alotofproblems,butwhenyoucarryoutthework,andthemoredifficultiesyouencounter,thenwhenyouseesomeresults,thegreaterthejoy.Isn’tit?”TheDalaiLamawasnowturningtotheArchbishopforconfirmation.

“Yes,”theArchbishopsaid,stillclearlymovedbythesufferingthattheDalaiLamahadencountered.

“Yousee,iftherearenodifficultiesandyouarealwaysrelaxed,thenyoucomplainmore,”theDalaiLamasaid,nowlaughingattheironythatwecouldexperiencemorejoyinthefaceofgreatadversitythanwhenlifeisseeminglyeasyanduneventful.

TheArchbishopwaslaughing,too.Joy,itseemed,wasastrangealchemyofmindovermatter.Thepathtojoy,likewithsadness,didnotleadawayfromsufferingandadversitybutthroughit.AstheArchbishophadsaid,nothingbeautifulcomeswithoutsomesuffering.JinpasharedhowtheDalaiLamaoftenviewedhisexileasanopportunity.“HisHolinessoftensaysthatwhenyoubecomearefugeeyougetclosertolife,”Jinpasaid,speakingnodoubtfromhisownexperienceaswell,“becausethereisnoroomforpretense.Inthisway,yougetclosertotruth.”

“Archbishop,”Isaid,“maybewecouldturntoyouforamoment.TheDalaiLamaissayingthatyouactuallyfeelmorejoyafteryou’vesucceededinthefaceofopposition...”IstoppedasIsawtheArchbishopgazingattheDalaiLamawithasenseofamazement.

“I’mreallyactuallyveryhumbledlisteningtoHisHoliness,”theArchbishopsaid,“becauseI’vefrequentlymentionedtopeoplethefactofhisserenityandhiscalmandjoyfulness.Wewouldprobablyhavesaid‘inspiteof’theadversity,butitseemslikehe’ssaying‘becauseof’theadversitythatthishasevolvedforhim.”TheArchbishopwasholdingtheDalaiLama’shand,pattingandrubbinghispalmaffectionately.

“Itjustincreasesmyownpersonaladmirationforhim.Italmostseemsperverse,butonewantstosaythankgoodnessthattheChineseinvadedTibet.Yes,becauseIdon’tthinkthatwewouldhavehadthesamecontact;wecertainlywouldnothavehadthesamefriendship.”Andthen,seeingtheironichumorinhistory,theArchbishopstartedtocackle.“YouprobablywouldnothavegotaNobelPeacePrize.”TheDalaiLamawasnowalsolaughingastheypokedfunattheseesteemedprizes,asiftosaythatwecanneverknowwhat,intheend,willcomeofoursufferingandadversity,whatisgoodandwhatisbad.

Certainly,hewasnotsayingthatthePeacePrizeortheirfriendshipwouldsomehowjustifythesufferingofmillionsthattheChineseinvasionhadcaused,butinabizarreway,perversereally,astheArchbishophadsaid,theDalaiLamawouldneverhavebecomeaglobalspiritualleaderwithoutbeingchasedoutofhiscloisteredkingdom.

ItremindedoneofthefamousChinesestoryaboutthefarmerwhosehorserunsaway.Hisneighborsarequicktocommentonhisbadluck.Thefarmerrespondsthatnoonecanknowwhatisgoodandwhatisbad.Whenthehorsecomesbackwithawildstallion,theneighborsarequicktocomment,thistimetalkingaboutthefarmer’sgoodluck.Again,thefarmerrepliesthatnoonecanknowwhatisgoodandwhatisbad.Whenthefarmer’ssonbreakshislegtryingtotamethewildstallion,theneighborsnowarecertainofthefarmer’sbadluck.Again,thefarmersaysthatnooneknows.Whenwarbreaksout,alltheable-bodiedyoungmenareconscriptedintobattleexceptthefarmer’sson,whowassparedbecauseofhisbrokenleg.

“Buttocometoyourquestion,”theArchbishopsaid,“IwasthinkingastheDalaiLamawasspeaking,aboutsomethingthatwaspersonal,althoughperhapsyoucouldextrapolateitmoregenerally.I’mthinkingofNelsonMandela.Aswesaid,NelsonMandela,whenhewenttoprison,wasaveryangryyoungman,oryoungishman.HewasthecommanderinchiefofthemilitarywingoftheANC,aswesaid.Hebelievedfirmlythattheenemyhadtobedecimated,andheandhiscomradeshadbeenfoundguiltyinatravestyofjustice.Thatistheguywhowentin,aggressiveandangry.HecomesontoRobbenIslandandismistreated,asmostofthem

were.Todaywhenpeoplegoandtheyseehiscell,there’sabed.Theydidn’thaveabed.Theyweresleepingonthefloor,nomattress,justathinlittlething.”TheArchbishopwaspinchinghisthumbandforefingertoemphasizethediscomfort,thepain,andthesufferingthatheendured,eveninsleep.

“Theseweresophisticated,educatedpeople.Whatdotheydo?Whataretheymadetodo?Theyaremadetogoanddiginaquarry.Andtheyarewearingveryinadequateclothing.NelsonMandelaandallofthemworeshorts,eveninwinter.Theyweremadetodoalmostsenselesswork,breakingrocksandsewingpostofficebags.Hewasahighlyqualifiedlawyer.Therehe’ssittingandsewing.”

DuringavisittoRobbenIslandwithAhmedKathrada,oneofMandela’scolleaguesandfellowprisoners,heshowedusinthecafeteriathedifferentrationsthatweregiventotheprisoners—basedontheirrace—adailyreminderoftheobsessiveracialfascismthattheywerefighting:“Sixouncesofmeatforcoloreds/AsiaticsandfiveouncesforBantus(blacks);oneounceofjamorsyrupforcoloreds/AsiaticsandnoneforBantus.”

“Imean,itmusthavefrustratedhimtonoend,madehimvery,veryangry.Godwasgoodandsaid,You’regoingtostayheretwenty-sevenyears.Andafterthosetwenty-sevenyearsheemergesontheothersideassomeoneofimmensemagnanimity,becauseinanextraordinarywayhissufferinghelpedtogrowhim.Wheretheythoughtitwasgoingtobreakhim,ithelpedhim.Ithelpedhimtoseethepointofviewoftheother.Twenty-sevenyearslater,hecomesoutkind,caring,readytotrusthiserstwhileenemy.”

“Sohowdidhedoit?”Iasked.“Imean,whydoyouthinkhewasabletoseehissufferingasennoblingratherthanembittering?”

“Hedidn’tseeit.Ithappened.”“Sowhydidithappenforhim?Becauseforothersithasnot.”“Yes,ofcourse,somepeopleitwouldembitter.”TheArchbishophad

onceexplainedtomethatsufferingcaneitherembitterusorennobleusandthatthedifferenceliesinwhetherweareabletofindmeaninginoursuffering.Withoutmeaning,whensufferingseemssenseless,wecan

easilybecomeembittered.Butwhenwecanfindashredofmeaningorredemptioninoursuffering,itcanennobleus,asitdidforNelsonMandela.

“Onehaslearnedinverymanyinstances,”hecontinued,“thatforustogrowingenerosityofspiritwehavetoundergoinsomewayorotheradiminishing,afrustration.Youmaynotalwaysthinkofitasbeingso.Thereareveryfewlivesthatjustmovesmoothlyfrombeginningtoend.Theyhavetoberefined.”

“Whatisitthatneedstoberefined?”“Ouralmostnaturalresponseis,WhenI’mhit,Ihitback.Whenyou

havebeenrefined,youwanttofindoutwhatitisthatimpelledthisotheronetodowhathedid.Andsoyouputyourselfintheshoesoftheother.Soitisalmostanaxiomthatgenerosityofspiritseemstorequirethatonewillhavehadsetbackstoremovethedross.

“Removingthedross,”theArchbishopcontinued,“andlearning,yes,toputyourselfintheshoesoftheother.Anditseemsalmostwithoutfailthatgenerosityofspiritrequiresthatwewillhaveexperiencedifnotsuffering,thenatleastfrustrations,thingsthatseemtowanttostopusfrommovingintheparticulardirectionthatwehavechosen.Youdon’tmoveeasily,straightforwardlylikethis.Therearethingsthatforceyouoffcourse,andyouhavetocomeback.”TheArchbishopwasgesturingwithhisdelicateandfrailrighthand,whichwasparalyzedbypolioasachild,avividexampleofthesufferingthathehadexperiencedataveryyoungage.

“Itisprobablysomethinglikeyourmuscle,”heconcluded.“Imean,ifyouwantagoodmuscletone,youknow,youworkagainstit,offeringitresistance,anditwillgrow.Ifyouarelimp,itwon’tgrow.Youcan’texpandthevolumeofyourchestjustbysitting.Youhavetowalkupmountains.There’sameasureofgoingagainst,asitwere,yournature.Yournaturallongingistowanttositstill.Butifyoudothatandbecomeasofacabbageoracouchpotato,it’sgoingtoshow.Sowhatistruephysicallyis,inawonderfulway,truespirituallyaswell.Deepdownwegrowinkindnesswhenourkindnessistested.”

“Absolutely,absolutely.”TheDalaiLamawasagreeing,swayingback

andforth,fromsidetoside,lookingdownthoughtfully,fingertipstouching.

“ThisremindsmeofmyfriendwhotoldmeaboutbeingsenttoaChinesegulagatthetimeIescapedfromTibet.ThenightIfledfromthepalaceofNorbulingka,Iwenttoachapeltopaymyrespects,knowingthatitwaslikelythelasttimeIwouldeverseeitagain.Myfriend,whowasalreadyaseniormonkatNamgyalMonastery,wasthereatthechapel.Lopon-la,asheisaffectionatelyknownbyhisfellowmonks,didnotknowitwasme,becausemyvisitwastopsecret,andIcouldnottellhim.ThenassoonasIhadleftthepalace,theChinesebombardmentstarted.Theyarrestedmanypeopleandaboutonehundredandthirtyweresenttoaveryremotearea,likeduringStalin’srule,whenpeopleweresenttoSiberia.Aftereighteenyearsofhardlabor,Lopon-lawasabletocometoIndia,andhetoldmewhathadhappenedduringhistimeintheworkcamp.

“Theyhadnoshoes,evenduringtheverycoldestofdays.Sometimesitwassocoldthatwhenyouspit,itwouldlandasice.Theywerealwayshungry.Onedayhewassohungrythathetriedtoeatthebodyofoneoftheotherprisonersthathaddied,butthefleshofthedeadpersonwasfrozenandtoohardtobite.

“Throughoutthewholetime,theytorturedtheprisoners.ThereisSoviet-styletortureandJapanese-styletortureandChinese-styletorture,andatthiscamptheycombinedthemallintoanimmenselycruelkindoftorture.

“Whenheleftthecamp,onlytwentypeoplehadsurvived.Hetoldmethatduringthoseeighteenyearshefacedsomerealdangers.Ithought,ofcourse,hewastalkingaboutdangerstohislife.”

“Hetoldmehewasindangeroflosing...hiscompassionforhisChineseguards.”

Icouldhearagaspintheroomatthisextraordinarystatement,thatthegreatestdangerforthismanhadbeentheriskoflosinghiscompassion,losinghisheart,losinghishumanity.

“Nowheisstillalive,ageninety-seven,andhismindisstillinverygoodshape,sharpandhealthy.Soasyoumentioned,hisspiritualityand

hisexperiencereinforcedhisabilityforcompassion,hishumanqualities.ThereareanumberofcaseswhereTibetanswhospentmanyyearsofhardlaborinChinesegulagstoldmethatitwastheirbestperiodforspiritualpractice,fordevelopingpatienceandcompassion.Oneofmypersonalphysicians,Dr.TenzinChoedrak,whoyearslatermanagedtocometoIndia,wasquiteclever.Inthegulag,hewaspreventedfromhavingtherosaryandwasforcedtoreadChairmanMao’sRedBook.SoheusedthesyllablesofthewordsashisrosaryandrecitedBuddhistprayers,butintheeyesoftheChineseguards,hewasveryseriouslystudyingMao’sbook!

“So,likeinNelsonMandela’scase,whenyouareimprisoned,asyousaid,it’snormaltoexperiencegreatdifficulties.Buttheseexperiencescan,withtherightwayofthinking,leadyoutohavegreatinnerstrength.SoIthinkthatthisissomethingveryuseful,particularlywhenwe’repassingthroughdifficulties.”

IwasquitestruckbytheDalaiLama’sphraseof“passingthroughdifficulties.”Weoftenfeelthatsufferingwillengulfus,orthatthesufferingwillneverend,butifwecanrealizethatit,too,willpass,orastheBuddhistssay,thatitisimpermanent,wecansurvivethemmoreeasily,andperhapsappreciatewhatwehavetolearnfromthem,findthemeaninginthem,sothatwecomeouttheotherside,notembitteredbutennobled.Thedepthofoursufferingcanalsoresultintheheightofourjoy.

Shantideva,theBuddhistmonkandscholar,describedthevirtuesofsuffering.Becauseoftheshocksufferingcausesus,ourarrogancefallsaway.Sufferingalsogivesrisetocompassionforallotherswhoaresuffering,and,becauseofourexperienceofsuffering,weavoidactionsthatwillbringsufferingtoothers.Lopon-laandDr.ChoedrakwouldhaveknowntheseteachingsbyShantidevaandmayhaveclungtothemduringtheyearsofhardshipandseeminglyendlesssuffering,makingmeaningoutofwhatmusthaveattimesfeltlikemeaninglessagony.

TheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopwereemphasizingthatsomedegreeoftoleranceandacceptanceisessential,asisrealizingthatthesesorrowshappentoallpeople,notjusttous,andnotbecausewehavedone

anythingwrong.Theyearbeforeourdialogues,myfatherfelldownaflightofstairsandsufferedatraumaticbraininjury.Thedoctorsexplainedthatwithabrokenbone,weknowexactlyhowlongitwilltaketoheal,butwiththebrainweneverknowhowitwillhealandifitwillhealcompletely.Formorethanamonthhewasintheintensivecareunitandneurorehab,invaryingstatesofdelirium,asweworriedwhetherhewouldeverreturntohisformerself,tohisgreatmindandheart.IwillneverforgetthefirsttelephonecallIreceivedfromhimfromthehospital,sincewedidnotknowifhewouldeverbeabletocommunicateconsciouslyagain.Whenmybrotherwasvisitingwithmydad,hesaid,“I’msosorryyou’vehadthisterribleexperience.”Myfatherreplied,“Oh,no,notatall.It’sallpartofmycurriculum.”

T

IllnessandFearofDeath:IPrefertoGotoHell

hetripwasbookendedbyfunerals.WehadtochangetheflightitinerarytoIndiaandbacktwicebecausedearfriendsofArchbishop

Tutuhaddied.Althoughthesewerefuneralsformenwhohadlivedgoodlonglives,itwasafittingreminderofdeath,andofthelimitedtimeeachofushas.Certainlyillnessandmortalityaretwoofthegreatveritiesandsourcesofsufferinginourlives.

“Becareful—lotsofmyfriendsaredying,”theArchbishopsaidwhenwehadjustarrivedattheairport,waggingafingerattheDalaiLama.ThenhewentontosaywhatagreatmanPhilipPotter,oneofthedeceased,hadbeen.“HewasthefirstblackgeneralsecretaryoftheWorldCouncilofChurches,”heexplained.ButwiththeArchbishop,sanctityandlevity,deathandlifewereclosebedfellows,soevenashewashonoringhisfriendhebegantotellajoke.

“Hewasaveryformidableman,muchtallerthanyouandme.YesterdayIwaslookingathiscoffin.Itwasamassivething.Bothofuswouldhavegoneinthere.AndIwouldhavegonetoheaven,andwherewouldyouhavegone?”

“Mostprobablyhell,”theDalaiLamareplied.Theconversationaboutdeathandwhowasgoingtoheavenandhell

wasoneofthejokesthattheyplayedwiththroughouttheweek,makingfunoftheirtraditionsandconflictingpieties.

Iaskedthemtomakethesubjectofillnessanddeathmorepersonal.“Howdoyouthinkaboutyourowndeaths?You’rebothinyoureighties,andit’sareality,oratleastapossibility—hopefullyfarinthefuture.”

“Quitepolite,”theDalaiLamasaid,andlaughed.“Well,hedoesn’tmindtoomuch,”theArchbishopcutin,pointingat

theDalaiLama,“becauseforhimthere’sreincarnation.”

“Withreincarnation,”theDalaiLamaresponded,“I’mnotreallysurewhereIwillbeborn,somuchuncertainty.Butyouarequitesureyouaregoingtoheaven.”

“SincetheChinesesaytheyaregoingtodecidewhereyouarereincarnated,”theArchbishopresponded,“youmustbenicetothem.”

TheArchbishopthenlookeddownasiffocusinginwardlyontheseriousnessofthequestion—hisownmortality.“Ishouldsaythatforaverylongtime,thethoughtofmydemisewassomethingthatbroughtagreatdealofanxiety.

“IknowI’vehadanumberofnear-fatalillnesses.Asachild,Ihadpolio,andtheysaythatmyfatherwentofftobuythewoodformakingmycoffinandmymotherwentofftogetherselfblackclothesbecausetheythoughtIwasattheend.InmyteenageyearsIdevelopedtuberculosisandwenttoaTBhospital,whereInoticedthatalmostallofthepatientswhostartedtohemorrhage,coughingupblood,endedupbeingpushedoutonatrolleytothemortuary.Imust’vebeenaboutfifteenorsowhenIbegancoughing,coughingupblood,too.IwassittingdownwiththisreceptacleinfrontofmeandeachtimeIcoughed,bloodjustcameoutthatway.Isaid,‘God,ifyouwant,ifthisiscurtainsforme,thenit’sokay.’IhavetoadmitthatIwassurprisedatthecalmandthepeacethatcameoverme.Well,ofcourse,youknowthattheydidn’twheelmeoutonatrolleytothemortuary.Manyyearslater,ImetupwithArchbishopTrevorHuddleston,whousedtocomewhenIwasinhospitalandvisitmeweeklyformonthsonend.Soitwasmanyyearsafter,whenwewerebotharchbishops,thathesaidhewastoldbythedoctor,‘Youryoungfriend’—meaningme—‘isnotgoingtomakeit.’Well,IguessIseemtohavemadeitforabitsincethen.”

IhaveoftenthoughtaboutthestrengththattheArchbishopgainedfromfacingillnessanddeathsoearlyinlife.Illnessisoneofthemostcommonsourcesofsufferingandadversitythatpeopleface,andyetevenhere,aswithmyfather,peoplecanfindmeaningandspiritualgrowthinit.Inmanyways,it’sprobablythemostcommonmotivationforpeopletoreevaluateandtransformtheirlives.It’salmostaclichéthatpeoplewithseriousorlife-threateningillnessesstarttosavoreachmomentand

tobemorefullyalive.Iworkedonabookmanyyearsagowithaphysicianwhocaredforseriouslyillanddyingpatients.Hemadeapowerfuldistinctionbetweenhealingandcuring:Curinginvolvestheresolutionoftheillnessbutwasnotalwayspossible.Healing,hesaid,wascomingtowholenessandcouldhappenwhetherornottheillnesswascurable.

TheArchbishopexplainedhowhewasplanningtobecremated,toconservespace,andwantedasimplefuneraltoencourageothersinhiscountrytoavoidtheexpensivecasketsandceremoniesthataretraditional.Evenindeath,moralleadersteachbytheirchoices.ThentheArchbishoplookedatme,andsaidwithacommonsensefinality,“Deathisafactoflife.Youaregoingtodie.”TheArchbishopcontinued,“It’sactuallyawonderfulthingtodowhattheycallalivingwill,whereyouaregivinginstructionsforwhentheendcomes.It’snotbeingmorbid.You’resayingthisisafactoflife.I’veconductedanumberoffuneralsmyself,andIhavecometothestagewhereI’msaying,‘Bytheway,thisiswhereyouaregoing.Thatcouldsoeasilybeyounow.’Yes,ofcourse,thereisakindofnostalgiaforthethingsthatyouhavehadthatyouwillmiss.Iwillmissmyfamily.Iwillmissthepersonwhohasbeenmypartnerforthesesixtyyears.TherearemanythingsthatIwillmiss.ButinthisChristiantraditiontowhichIbelong,Iwillbeenteringintoafullerlife.

“Itiswonderful.Imean,imagineifwedidn’tdie.Ourpoorworldwouldnotbeabletocarrytheburden.It’snotabletocarrytheburdenofsevenbillionasitis.Imean,Ihavehadabeginning,I’vehadamiddle,andI’llhaveanend.Thereisalovelysymmetryaboutit.Symmetry.”Helaughedashelingeredoverthewordandrepeatedit.

“Ifwedidn’tdie,imaginethenumberofpeoplethatwouldbeintheworldnow.IhopethatthethingsIbelieveaboutheavenarereallytrue:thatIwillmeetmylovedones,myparents,myolderbrother,whomIdidn’tknowbecausehediedininfancy.Iwillmeetmanywonderfulstalwarts.IwanttomeetSt.Augustine.IwanttomeetSt.ThomasAquinasandpeoplewhohavetaughtussomuchaboutpraying.

“BecauseGodisGod,becauseGodisinfinite,becausenoneofuswho

arecreatureswilleverfathomtheinfinitudethatisGod,heavenisgoingtobeforeveraplaceofnewdiscovery.”TheArchbishop’seyesweretransfixed,hisgazedistant.“Iwouldsay,‘Oh,God,you’resobeautiful.’AndIwillcall,Iwillcall,‘Come,comeandsee,’andthisotheronewillsay,‘HaveyouseenjusthowbeautifulGodis?’”

TheArchbishopfellsilent.Perhapsdeathandthefearofdeathistrulythegreatestchallengeto

joy.Well,whenwearedead,itdoesnotreallymatter,butitisthefearofitsapproaching,ofthesufferingthatoftenprecedesit,andultimatelythefearoftheoblivionandthelossofourpersonhoodthatfrightenus.Manypsychologistssaythatthefearofdeathliesbehindallotherfears,andmanyhistoriansofreligionarguethatreligionarosetotrytosolvethemysteryofdeath.Modernlifekeepsthatfearatbay,aswedon’tinteractwiththeveryoldortheverysick,andillness,frailty,anddeathgettuckedawaybehindinstitutionalwallsfromoureverydaylives.

AfterafewmomentstheDalaiLamabeganspeaking.“Ithink,forthousandsofyears,thehumanmindhasbeencurious

aboutdeath,andmanytraditionshavemanyideasandconceptsofwhatwillhappennext.Heaven,asyoumentioned,isabeautifulunderstanding.ShintoisminJapanalsohastheideathatafterdeathyouautomaticallygotoheavenwhereallyourancestorsareliving.

“Whenmanypeoplethinkaboutdeath,theyarevery,veryafraid.UsuallyItellthemthatyoushouldacceptthatdeathispartofourlife.There’sabeginningandthere’sanend,asyoumentioned.Soonceweacceptthatitisnormalandthatsoonerorlateritwillcome,ourattitudechanges.Somepeopleareembarrassedwhenaskedabouttheirageorpretendthattheyarestillyoung.Thisissilly—deceivingoneself.Weshouldberealistic.”

“Yes,yes,”theArchbishopagreed.“Ifapersonissick,”theDalaiLamasaid,“itismuchbettertoaccept

thatyouhavesomekindofillnessandgetmedicaltreatment,ratherthansayingnothingiswronganddeceivingyourself.”

WhiletheArchbishopwasinDharamsalawehadarrangedforhimtoseeYeshiDhonden,oneoftheDalaiLama’sdoctors.Rachelisan

integrativephysicianandwasinterestedtoknowifthisreveredhealermighthavehelpfulrecommendationsfortheArchbishop,whoseprostatecancerwasback.

Inanamazingcoincidence,Dr.DhondenhadhelpedcuremymotherofbloodcancerwhilehewasvisitingNewYorkmanyyearsago,whenIwasstillinhighschool.WhenIwasinDharamsalainJanuarypreparingforthevisit,IwastoldthatDr.Dhondenhaddied,butIhadjustheardthathewasstillaliveatalmostninety.Iwasexcitedtomeethim,tothankhimforhelpingtosavemymother’slife,andtoseeifhemightbeabletohelptheArchbishop.

HecameintotheArchbishop’sbedroomatthehotel,hisbaldheadandlargeearsmakinghimlookalittlelikeanonlyslightlytallerYodafromtheStarWarsmovies.Hisfacewasimpassive,andhishandshadapowerfuldelicacywhiletheytooktheArchbishop’spulse.TheArchbishopwaslyingonhisking-sizedbed.Throughthewindows,thevalleysofDharamsalaplungeddowninsteephillsidesofoaksandevergreens,endingwithavistaofthevastplainsbelow.

Throughatranslator,Dr.DhondenbegantodescribehealthissuesthattheArchbishophadexperienceddecadesagoandthathadledtohiscurrentprostatecancer.TheArchbishoplookedsurprisedasRachel,whowasfamiliarwithmanytraditionalmedicalsystems,explainedwhatDr.Dhondenwassayinginawaythatmadesensetoamodernmedicalunderstandingofthebody.

Afterafifteen-ortwenty-minuteexam,Dr.DhondenpointedtothecanofCokeZeroonthebedsidetable.TheArchbishophasgivenuptherumandCokesheusedtofavor,butheisstillquitefondofhisCokeZero,havingagreedtothedietsodatocutdownonhissugarconsumption.AccordingtoDr.Dhonden,theCokeZerowasstillnothelpinghishealthandshouldberemovedfromhisdiet.

WhenthiswastranslatedtotheArchbishop,hegotoutofhisbedratherspryly,andjokinglywavedhishands,saying,“Ithinkit’stimeforyoutogo.”

RachelassuredtheArchbishopthatwhileshehadbeentryingtogethimtokickhisCokeZerohabitforyears,ateighty-fourhewasallowed

toeatanddrinkwhathepleased.Dr.Dhondenmadesomeadditionalrecommendations,photosweretakentogetherofthefamousdoctorandfamouspatient,andthenthegooddoctorleft.

“AsaBuddhistpractitioner,”theDalaiLamasaid,“ItakeseriouslythecontemplationoftheBuddha’sfirstteaching,abouttheinevitabilityofsufferingandthetransientnatureofourexistence.Also,theBuddha’slastteachingatthetimeofhisdeathendswiththetruthofimpermanence,remindingushowitisthenatureofallthingsthatcomeintoexistencetohaveanend.TheBuddhasaidnothinglasts.

“Soitisimportantthatinourdailymeditationpracticewecontinuetothinkaboutourownmortality.Therearetwolevelsofimpermanence.Atthegrosserlevel,lifekeepschangingandthingsceasetoexist,includingus.Atthemoresubtlelevel,ineverysinglemomenteverythingischanging,somethingscienceisabletoshowushappening,evenattheatomicandsubatomiclevel.Ourbodyisconstantlychanging,asisourmind.Everythingisinaconstantstateofchange—nothingremainsstatic,andnothingremainspermanent.Infact,astheBuddharemindsus,theverycausesthathavegivenrisetosomething,suchasourlife,havecreatedthemechanism,ortheseed,forthatthing’seventualend.Recognizingthistruthisanimportantpartofthecontemplationonimpermanence.

“ThenIaskwhyimpermanencehappens.Theanswerisbecauseofinterdependence—nothingexistsindependently.Sothiskindofcontemplationispartofmyusualdailymeditationpractice.Thispracticeisactuallytohelponepreparefordeath,theintermediatestate,andthenrebirth,soinordertocarryoutthepracticeeffectively,youshouldreflectonthesethingsandvisualizetheprocessofdeath.

“Finally,Ithinkyoumentionedthatweoldpeopleshouldpreparefordeath,anditisimportanttomakespaceforthefuture,foryoungergenerations.Whatisimportanttorememberisthatsoonerorlaterdeathcomesandtomakeourlifemeaningfulwhilewe’realive.Ithinkmaximumlifespanisaboutahundredyears.Comparedtohumanhistory,ahundredyearsisquiteshort.Soifweutilizethatshortperiodtocreatemoreproblemsonthisplanet,ourlifewouldbemeaningless.Ifwecould

liveforamillionyears,thenmaybeitwouldbeworthwhiletocreatesomeproblems.Butourlifeisshort.Nowyousee,weareguestshereonthisplanet,visitorswhohavecomeforashorttime,soweneedtouseourdayswisely,tomakeourworldalittlebetterforeveryone.”

JinpaexplainedthatthereisaprofoundteachingbyanancientTibetanmaster:Thetruemeasureofspiritualdevelopmentishowoneconfrontsone’sownmortality.Thebestwayiswhenoneisabletoapproachdeathwithjoy;nextbestwayiswithoutfear;thirdbestwayisatleastnottohaveregrets.

“SoearlierIwasexplainingaboutthenightthatwefledfromNorbulingka,”theDalaiLamasaid,nowturningtohisownexperiencesoffacingthefearofdeath.“Forme,thatwasthemostfrighteningnightofmylife,thenightofthe17thofMarch,1959.Atthattime,mylifereallywasindanger.IstillrememberthealertnessofmindIfeltasIsteppedoutoftheNorbulingkaPalaceindisguise,dressedinaTibetanlayman’sclothes.AllmyeffortstocalmdownthesituationinLhasahadfailed.AhugecrowdofTibetanshadgatheredoutsidetheNorbulingkaPalace,wantingtoblockanyattemptsonthepartoftheChinesemilitarytotakemeaway.Ihadtriedmybest,butbothsides,theChineseandtheTibetans,weredeeplyentrenchedintheirpositions.Ofcourse,theTibetansidewasdeeplydevoutandwastryingtoprotectme.”TheDalaiLamapausedandlookedreflectiveasherecalledthedevotionofhispeopleandtheirself-sacrificeforhissafety.

ThisspontaneousgatheringofTibetansoutsideNorbulingkaPalacewastheculminationofdaysofuprisingagainsttheCommunistChineseoccupationbytheTibetanpeoplethatfirstbeganonMarch10,1959.Thistime,thepublichadcometopreventtheChineseauthoritiesfromtakingtheDalaiLamaawayfromNorbulingkaPalace,supposedlyforhisownpersonalsafety.Somethinghadtohappen.ThesituationwasexplosiveandtheDalaiLamaknewthatitcouldonlyleadtoamassacre.

“Sothatnight,the17thofMarch1959,theplanformyescapewasexecuted.Wewentatnightandindisguisealongaroadthatfollowedariver.OntheothersideoftheriverwastheChinesemilitarybarracks.Wecouldseetheguards.Nooneinourpartywasallowedtouse

flashlights,andwetriedtominimizethesoundofthehorses’hoofs.Butstilltherewasdanger.Iftheysawusandopenedfire,wewerefinished.

“YetasaBuddhistpractitioner,IthoughtofShantideva’ssomewhatsternadvice:Ifthereisawaytoovercomethesituation,theninsteadoffeelingtoomuchsadness,toomuchfear,ortoomuchanger,makeanefforttochangethesituation.Ifthere’snothingyoucandotoovercomethesituation,thenthereisnoneedforfearorsadnessoranger.SoItoldmyself,atthatmoment,thatevenifsomethingweretohappentome,itwouldstillbeokay.

“Youfacethefacts,thereality.Andmakinganattempttoescapewasthebestresponseinthefaceofthatreality.Actually,fearispartofhumannature;it’sanaturalresponsethatarisesinthefaceofadanger.Butwithcourage,wheninfactrealdangerscome,youcanbemorefearless,morerealistic.Ontheotherhand,ifyouletyourimaginationrunwild,thenyouexacerbatethesituationfurtherandthenbringmorefear.

“Manypeopleonthisplanetworryaboutgoingtohell,butthisisnotmuchuse.Thereisnoneedtobeafraid.Whileweremainontheearthworryingabouthell,aboutdeath,aboutallthethingsthatcouldgowrong,wewillhavelotsofanxiety,andwewillneverfindjoyandhappiness.Ifyouaretrulyafraidofhell,youneedtoliveyourlifewithsomepurpose,especiallythroughhelpingothers.

“So,”theDalaiLamafinallysaid,slappingtheArchbishoponthewristplayfully.“Iprefertogotohellthantoheaven.Icansolvemoreproblemsinhell.Icanhelpmorepeoplethere.”

W

Meditation:NowI’llTellYouaSecretThing

earrivedattheDalaiLama’scomplexearlyinthemorningasthesunwasstillwakingup.Wewentthroughthevigilantsecurity,

whichremindedusthatnotallwereaslovingtowardtheDalaiLamaashewastowardthem.Ihaddecidedtoseethepatdown,notunlikethoseweareoftensubjectedtoatairports,asabriefmassageratherthanasanintrusionofmypersonalspaceorasanaccusationofmypotentialdanger.Iwasalreadylearninghowmuchone’sperspectiveshapedone’sreality.

WecrossedthebriefdistancetotheDalaiLama’sprivateresidence.WewerelatertoldthatsomeofthepeoplewhohadworkedwiththeDalaiLamaforthirtyyearshadneverbeeninside.Thiswashisretreat,oneofthefewplaceswherethisverypublicmancouldexperiencesolitude,anditwasagreatprivilegetobewelcomedintohisinnersanctum.

Fromtheoutside,theDalaiLama’shomeisayellow-paintedconcretestructurewithagreenroof,likesomanyinDharamsala.Thedoubledoorsandwallshaveplentyofglasstoletinthehighaltitudelight.OntheroofisabalconywheretheDalaiLamacantakeamorningconstitutionalandlookoutathisbelovedgreenhousefilledwithpurple,pink,andwhitedelphiniumsandmarigolds,burstingliketinysuns.BeyondhecanseeapanoramicvistadowntothelushgreenIndianplains,andintheotherdirectionthetoweringglacialDhauladharMountainscloakedinwhitesnowyear-round.WhilefarlessgrandthanthePotalaofhisyouth,hisresidencehasamodesteleganceandwarmththattheendlessthousand-roompalace,withitsempty,ghost-hauntedrooms,musthavelacked.

W•••

efollowedtheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopintothehouseasthenow-brighteninglightstreamedinthroughtheglasswindow

panels.Thecurtainswereheldbackwithties,andtheceilingwaspaintedblackandred.Thehallwaywashungwithbrightlycoloredthangkas,andthehallwasnarrowedbybookshelvespiledhighwithgolden-spinedsacredtexts.

“Nowthisismy—howdoyousay—livingroom,aprayerroom,”theDalaiLamaexplained.Itseemedfittingthathislivingroomwashisprayerroom,sincesomuchofhislifeisspentinprayerandmeditation.Asweenteredtheroomwesawalarge,glassed-inaltarwithastatueofasomewhatemaciatedBuddha.AlongthesidesofthecaseweretraditionalTibetansacredtexts,whichlookedlikerectangularblocks.ThisaltarwassimilartoabreakfrontinaWesternhomethatmightbefilledwithsilverorporcelainobjects.Onaledgewasatabletdisplayingthefaceofaclock,whichchimedoutthehours.

Asweenteredtheroom,wesawamuchlargeraltar,whichwasalsoencasedinglass.“Now,thisstatue,”theDalaiLamasaid,introducingtheArchbishoptothestandingBuddhaatthecenter,“isfromtheseventhcentury.AmIright?”theDalaiLamaasked,turningtoJinpa.

“Right,seventhcentury,”Jinpaconfirmed.“Hewasamemberofthemonasterywherethisstatueoncestood,”the

DalaiLamasaid,pointingtoJinpa.Knownas“KyirongJowo,”literallythebrotherfromKyirong,thisstatueoftheBuddhaisreveredasoneofthemostpreciousreligioustreasuresoftheTibetanpeople.ItwasclothedinatraditionalTibetanrobeandcrownedwithagolden,jeweledcoronet.ItwassurroundedbydozensofsmallerstatuesoftheBuddhaandothersacredfiguresandwasframedbywhiteandpurpleorchids.Thestatuewasbeautifullycarvedsandalwood,anditsfacewaspaintedgold.Theeyeswerewide-set,theeyebrowsthin,thelipscurving,thewholefaceserene.Thestatue’srighthandwasextended,palmup,inagentlegestureofwelcome,acceptance,andgenerosity.

“Wonderful,”theArchbishopsaid.

“Originally,thereweretwosimilarstatues,bothcarvedfromthesamesinglepieceofsandalwood.Andsincethetimeofthe5thDalaiLama,onewashousedinthePotalaPalace,”theDalaiLamaexplained.TheGreatFifth,asheisoftencalled,livedintheseventeenthcenturyandunitedcentralTibet,endingitsmanycivilwars.HeistheCharlemagneofTibet—well,maybetheCharlemagneandthepopecombined.“WhileonestatuewasinthePotala,”hesaid,“thisstatuewasinwesternTibet.Theywereliketwobrothers,twins.SoeventuallywhentheChinesearmydestroyedthePotala,thatonewaskilled.”Itmighthavebeenamisspokenword,buthispersonificationofthestatueanditsdeathdidseemquitepoignant.“ThenthemonksinwesternTibetsmuggledthisoneoutofTibetandintoIndia.SothentherewasaquestionofwhetheritshouldgowiththemonksofthatmonasterytosouthIndia,wheretheywereresettled,orstayherewithme.Imadesomeinvestigationsinthemysteriousway—divinations—whichIthinkyoualsohaveinAfricanculture.Sothenthisstatue,howdoyousay?”

HespokeinTibetantoJinpa,whothentranslated:“Thedivinationrevealedthatthestatuepreferredtostaywiththeonewhoismorefamous.”

Everyonelaughed.“NowI’lltellyouasecretthing,somethingquiteunique.Each

morning,yousee,Ipraytothisstatue.ThenIseehisfacialexpressionchanging.”TheDalaiLamahadamischievouslook,anditwashardtoknowwhetherhewaspullingtheArchbishop’sleg.

“Really?”theArchbishopsaid,tryingnottosoundtooincredulous.TheDalaiLamarockedhisheadfromsidetosideasiftosay,Maybeitdoes,maybeitdoesn’t.ThentheArchbishopasked,“Doesitsmile?”

“Yes,itissmilinglikeyou,really,”theDalaiLamasaidasheleanedinandtouchedforeheadswiththeArchbishop.Then,waggingafingerathim,headdedquickly,“Oh,butnotlikeyoureyes,sobigandround.”TheDalaiLama’seyeswentwidewithanexpressionthatcouldbesurprise,fear,oranger.“Okay,nowoursession.”

Butashewalkedtohischairhestoppedatanotheraltarinthecenteroftheroom.Ontheroundtablewasaverylifelikecrucifix,carvedoutof

whitemarble,withblacknailsstickingoutofthepalmsofthehands.TherewasalsoastatueoftheMadonna.“NowthisisablackMadonnafromMexico.”ThestatuewasofMarywearingagoldenrobeandcrownandholdingagoldenorboftheworld.OnherlapwasasmallbabyJesus.

“Maryisthesymboloflove,”theDalaiLamasaid,gesturingatthestatuewiththesameopenpalmofthesandalwoodBuddha.“It’swonderful.”

Therewasalsoadeepblueglobenestedinagoldenstand,asacredsymbolperhapsofanotherkind,andatangiblereminderoftheBuddhistunderstandingofinterdependence.TheDalaiLama’sprayerpracticeandconcern,liketheArchbishop’s,envelopedthewholeworld.

TheDalaiLamashowedtheArchbishopovertoaheavilycushionedbeigechairwithahigh-wingedback.TheArchbishopworeanavyblueTibetanshirtwiththebuttoninthecorner,neartheshoulder,whichmadetheshirtseemlikeapouchintowhichhehadbeensnuglyfit.Askilledtailor,LamaTenzin’sfatherhadspeciallymadeitforhimasagift.TheArchbishopsatdown,hissmallframepracticallydisappearingintothelargechair.

Therestofusbegantositdownonthefloor,andtheDalaiLamaaskedwhetherwewantedchairs,butwesaidwewerequitehappy.

“OriginallyIalsousedtositonthefloor,”theDalaiLamasaid.“ButIstartedtohavethisproblemwithmyknees.SonowIpreferlikethis.”Hegesturedtoawidechairdrapedinaredvelvetyfabric.Hepulledhisrobesupalittleandsatdown.Behindhimayellow,red,andgreenthangkahungonthewall.InfrontofhimwasalowwoodentablewithastackofBuddhisttexts,shapedlikehorizontalliteraryblocks.Twolongthinlamps,sentinelsoneithersideofthetable,likelylitthetableandthelongTibetanscripturesintheearlymorningswhentheDalaiLamabeganhispractice.Apotofpinktulipsandagold-coloredbowlforceremonialricethrowingaddedsomecolor.Finally,twoslendertabletsalsostoodonthecrowdedtable,onetodisplaytheweatherandtheothertolistentoBBCNews.

“Becauseofourprogram,todayIstartedmymeditationat2:30.”“Hmm,”theArchbishopsaid,perhapsstillmarvelingatthisvery

earlyrising.“Then,asusual,showerandthencontinuewithmymeditation

practice.Now,youfeelokay?Temperatureisokay?”TheDalaiLamawasextendinghishandswithconcern.

TheArchbishopsmiledandgavehimthethumbs-up.“Thankyou,”theArchbishopsaidastheysettledinbesideeachother.

“Thispartisaclearlightofdeathmeditation,”theDalaiLamasaid,asifhewereabouttoleadusintoameditationfocusingonthebreathandnotthewastingawayofourbodilyform.“Wearetrainingourmindbygoingthroughquiteadetailedprocessforwhatwewillexperienceatthetimeofdeath.”

“Mmhmm,”theArchbishopsaidwithwideeyes,asifhehadjustbeeninvitedtowarmupforthespiritualOlympicswithashortmarathon.

“AccordingtoBuddhistVajrayanapsychology,therearedifferentlevelsofconsciousness,”theDalaiLamasaid,referringtotheesotericBuddhisttradition,whichaimstohelpthepractitionerdiscoverultimatetruth.“There’sadissolutionthatoccursasthegrosserlevelsofourbodilyandmentalstatescometoanend,andwhenmoreandmoresubtlelevelsbecomemanifest.Thenattheinnermostormostsubtlelevel,thisstateofclearlightarisesatthemomentofdying.Notdeath.Dying.Physicalfeelingcompletelyceases.Breathingceases.Heartceases,it’snolongerbeating.Brainalsoceasesitsfunctioning.Stillsubtle,verysubtlelevelsofconsciousnessremain,gettingreadyforanotherdestinationoflife.”

TheconsciousnessatthemomentofdeaththattheDalaiLamawasdescribingisfreeofdualityandcontentandabidesintheformofpureluminosity.(InapopularHollywoodcomedy,Caddyshack,thereisascenewhereBillMurray’scharacter,Carl,describesatalltaleaboutcarryinggolfclubsforthe12thDalaiLamaonaglacier.Carlaskedforatipafterthegame,andtheDalaiLamaissaidtohaveresponded,“Oh,therewon’tbeanymoney,butwhenyoudie,onyourdeathbed,youwillreceivetotalconsciousness.”Perhapsthescreenwriterswereontosomethingandknewabouttheclearlightofdeathmeditation.)

“So,inBuddhistthought,”theDalaiLamaexplained,“wespeakof

death,intermediatestate,andrebirth.Inmycase,Iundertakethiskindofmeditationfivetimesinaday,soonadailybasis,Ikindofgothroughdeathandrebirth—fivetimesIleaveandfivetimesIcomeback.SoIsuppose,”saidtheDalaiLama,“whenIactuallydie,Ishouldbewellprepared!”Withthesewords,histwinklingeyesandmischievoussmilebecamethoughtfulandtender.“ButIdon’tknow.Whenactualdeathcomes,IhopeIwillhavetheabilitytoapplythispracticeeffectively.Idon’tknow.SoIneedyourprayers.”

“TheChinesesayyouwillnotdecidewhoyourreincarnationwillbe,”theArchbishopsaid,returningtoasourceofhumorthroughouttheweek.FortheArchbishop,onedidnotwanttomisstheopportunitytolinkprayertopoliticsandmeditationtoactivism—oragoodjoke.CertainlythedeclarationthattheChinesegovernment(whichdoesnotsanctionoracceptreligion)wouldchoosethenextreincarnationoftheDalaiLamawasfodderforanothergoodlaugh.

“Iprefer,aftermydeath,”theDalaiLamasaidwithalaugh,“thatyousearchformyreincarnation,thatyoucarrytheinvestigationratherthananantireligious,atheistic,Communistgovernment.”

“Yes,”theArchbishopsaidafterapause,perhapswonderinghowhewouldcarryontheinvestigationtofindthenextDalaiLama.

“Iusuallysay—”theDalaiLamacontinued,“half-joking,half-serious—firstChineseCommunistPartyshouldacceptthetheoryofrebirth,thentheyshouldrecognizeChairmanMaoTseTung’sreincarnation,thenDengXiaoping’sreincarnation,thentheyhavearighttobeinvolvedwiththeDalaiLama’sreincarnation.”

“Yes,”theArchbishopmused.“Iwasveryinterestedbecausetheyclaimtobeatheistsandallofthat,buttheysaytheywilldecidewhetheryouaregoingtobereincarnated.Thatisquitesomething.”TheArchbishopwaschucklingandshakinghisheadattheabsurdityoftheChinesegovernmenttryingtorestricttheDalaiLama’smovementseveninthenextlife.

Thenwordsfellaway,dialogueandjokessettledintoquietcontemplation.

TheDalaiLamatookoffhisglasses.Hisbeautifulfacewasso

familiarandyetsuddenlyquitedifferent.Hisfacelookedlongandoval,fromhiswidebaldingscalp,overhistriangulareyebrowsandslightlyopenedeyes,tohisstraight,broadnose,andpeakedcheeksthatlookedchiselednowandweatheredliketheclifffaceofaHimalayansummit,thentohisstraightandpursedlips,andendingwithhissoft,roundedchin.Helookeddown,asiftheshadesofhismindhadbeendrawn,andnowhewasconcernedonlywiththeinwardjourney.

TheDalaiLamascratchedhistemple,andIfeltrelievedthathewasnotsomeaustereasceticwhowoulddenyhisitchesandaches.Hewrappedhiscloakmoretightlyaroundhisshouldersandsettledintoquiet,hishandsrestinginhislap.

Atfirstmymindstartedracing,andIwashavingahardtimestayingfocused,thinkingaboutthequestionsIwouldask,thevideocamerathatwasfilming,theotherpeopleintheroom,andifeverythingwasasitshouldbeandeveryonehadwhattheyneeded.ThenasIwatchedtheDalaiLama’sface,myownmirrorneuronsystemseemedtoresonatewiththemind-statethatIwaswitnessing.Mirrorneuronsallowustoimitateothersandexperiencetheirinternalstates,andthereforemayplayanimportantroleinempathy.Istartedtoexperienceatinglinginmyforeheadandthenasharpeningoffocusasvariouspartsofmybrainstartedtoquietandcalm,asiftheactivitybegantocenteronwhatspiritualadeptshavecalledthethirdeye,orwhatneuroscientistscallthemiddleprefrontalcortex.

DanielSiegelhadexplainedtomethattheneuralintegrationcreatedbythiscrucialareaofthebrainlinksmanydisparateareasandisthelocusofeverythingfromemotionalregulationtomorality.Meditation,heandotherscientistshaveproposed,helpswiththeseprocesses.Heexplainedthattheintegrativefibersofthediscerningmiddleprefrontalcortexseemtoreachoutandsoothethemorereactiveemotionalstructuresofthebrain.Weinheritedthereactivityofthispartofourbrain,andparticularlythesensitiveamygdala,fromourskittishfight-or-flightancestors.Yetsomuchoftheinnerjourneymeansfreeingourselvesfromthisevolutionaryresponsesothatwedonotflipourlidorloseourhigherreasoningwhenfacingstressfulsituations.

Therealsecretoffreedommaysimplybeextendingthisbriefspacebetweenstimulusandresponse.Meditationseemstoelongatethispauseandhelpexpandourabilitytochooseourresponse.Forexample,canweexpandthemomentarypausebetweenourspouse’sannoyedwordsandourangryorhurtreaction?Canwechangethechannelonthementalbroadcastingsystemfromself-righteousindignation—howdaresheorhespeaktomelikethat—tocompassionateunderstanding—sheorhemustbeverytired.IwillneverforgetseeingtheArchbishopdoexactlythis—pauseandchoosehisresponse—duringapointedchallengeIhadmadesomeyearsago.

Wehadbeenengagedintwofull,exhaustingdaysofinterviews,hopingtocreatealegacyprojectaroundhispioneeringworkwiththeTruthandReconciliationCommissioninSouthAfrica.Weweremanyhoursintothedialoguewithafilmcrew,andhewasvisiblytiredandfranklyalittlecranky.Itwasnoteasyworktotrytodescribesystematicallytheprocessoftruth,forgiveness,andreconciliationthathehadusedsoeffectivelybutofteninstinctivelytohealhiscountry.

AtoneparticularlytensemomentIhadaskedhimabouthisdecisiontoreturntoSouthAfricafromEngland,aneventthathadprofoundimplicationsfortheanti-apartheidmovementandthefreeingofhiscountrybutalsohadquitepainfulconsequencesforhiswife,Leah,andtheirchildren.Notonlyweretheyleavingacountrywheretheywerefreeandequalcitizenstoreturntoanoppressiveandracistsociety,butalsotheywerechoosingtobreakuptheirfamilyaswell.TheapartheidgovernmenthadcreatedBantueducationforblacksandothernonwhites,aneducationalsystemthathadthespecificgoalofeducatingitsstudentsformenialjobs.Itwasthepurposefulmentalsubjugationofgenerationsofstudents.ThiswouldneverbetolerablefortheArchbishopandLeah,andtheyknewtheywouldneedtosendtheirchildrenawaytoaboardingschoolinSwaziland.

Thishadbeenoneofthemostdifficultmomentsintheirmarriage,andithadalmostbrokenthem.CertainlyithadcausedLeahenormouspain.Aftersayingthatfewmaritaldisputesarevindicatedbyhistory,IaskedtheArchbishopifhehadeverapologizedtoLeahforthepainhis

T

decisionhadcaused.Hedefendedhisdecision,withthetruerighteousnessofthecauseandperhapsalittleoftheentitlementofamanofhisgeneration.IpushedhimhardaboutwhyhehadnotapologizedfortheanguishithadcausedLeah,evenifthedecisionhadbeentherightone.

Asmyverbalassaultbecamemorepointedandchallenging,Isawhisheaddrawbackinreactionandperhapssomedefensiveness.Mostofusmighthavearguedmoreadamantlyorattackedbackinsuchadisagreement,butitwasasifIcouldseetheArchbishop—inasplit-secondpause—collecthisconsciousness,reflectonhisoptions,andchoosehisresponse,onethatwasthoughtfulandengagedratherthanreactiveandrejecting.Itwasoneofthemostprofoundexamplesofwhataprayerfulandmeditativelifecangiveus—thatpause,thefreedomtorespondinsteadofreact.AfewweekslaterhewrotetomethathehaddiscussedtheexperiencewithLeahandhadapologized.Shetoldhimthatshehadforgivenhimlongago.Marriages,eventhebestones—perhapsespeciallythebestones—areanongoingprocessofspokenandunspokenforgiveness.

•••

heArchbishopcradledhisrighthandinhisleft.Hehunghisheadinconcentration.Thegoalwasmeditation,butI’veneverbeenquite

surewheremeditationendsandprayerbegins,orwhereprayerendsandmeditationbegins.IhavehearditsaidthatprayeriswhenwespeaktoGod,andmeditationiswhenGodanswers.WhetheritisGodansweringorsomewiserpartofourownintelligence,Iamnotsureitmatteredtome,asIwasjusttryingtoquiettheinnernoiseandlistenthroughthethickandenvelopingsilence.

AftertheDalaiLamaendedthemeditation,itwastheArchbishop’sturntosharehisspiritualpractice.TheArchbishopbeginshisdaywithprayerandmeditationinthesmallcloset-sizedupstairschapelinhishomeinCapeTown.BeforebecomingthearchbishopofCapeTown,heandhisfamilylivedinSoweto,theformerblacktownshipoutsideof

JohannesburgthatwassocentraltotheantiapartheidstruggleandthesiteoftheSowetoUprising.Therehehadaslightlylargersemidetachedchapelwithastainedglasswindowandactualpews.Itwasalovelycloisteredspace,andwehadspentsomebeautifulmomentsofquiettogetherinthere.Itfeltlikebeinginthespiritualheadquartersoftheanti-apartheidstruggle,wheretheArchbishophadturnedtoGodsomanytimesinanguishanduncertaintyandfounddirection.

AstheArchbishopandMphogotthebreadandwineready,theDalaiLamasaid,“ABuddhistmonkdoesnottakewineoranyalcohol—inprinciple,thatis.Buttoday,withyou,Iwilltakealittle.”Headded,“Don’tworry,youcanrestassured,Iwillnotbedrunk.”

“Istillwon’tletyoudrinkanddrive,”theArchbishopreplied.“Thisisthefirsttimewegettopraytogether,”theDalaiLamasaid.

“OneBuddhist,oneChristian,brothers.Imentionedtoyouthatsince1975Ihavebeenmakingpilgrimagestodifferentreligioustraditions.Sometimesittakesamajordisasterforfollowersofalldifferentfaithstocometogetherandseethatwearethesame,humanbrothersandsisters.Iconsiderwhatwearedoingtodaytobepartofthesamekindofpilgrimage.WhenIlookatthisstatueofJesusChrist,Iamreallymoved.Ithinkthisteacherhasbroughtimmenseinspirationtomillionsofpeople.Nowitistimeforyourmeditation.”

TheArchbishopandMphohandedoutthesmallprayerbookletsandledtheEucharist,alsocalledHolyCommunion.ThisriteisconsideredtobeareenactmentoftheLastSupper,whichwasacelebrationoftheJewishPassovermeal.Jesusisbelievedtohavesaidthathisfollowersshouldeatthebreadanddrinkthewineasaremembranceofhim,andformanyChristiansthebreadistransformedintoChrist’sbodyandthewineintohisblood.TheEucharistcelebratesJesus’ssacrificeofhimself.IhadjoinedtheArchbishopforEucharistmanytimes,usuallyastheonlyJew,apointthattheArchbishopenjoyedpointingout,oftenaddingthatIwastheretomakesuretheEucharistwas“kosher.”Asanon-Christian,IdidnotactuallyreceiveCommunion,soitwasasurprisetoseetheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamabreakconventioninbothoftheirtraditions.

ManyChristiandenominationsforbidthosewhoarenotChristians,orevenotherChristianswhoarenotoftheirspecificdenomination(thosewithwhomtheyarenotinfullcommunion),fromsharingintheEucharist.Inotherwords,likesomanyreligioustraditionsitdefineswhoispartofthegroupandwhoisnot.Thisisoneofthegreatestchallengesthathumanityfaces:removingthebarriersbetweenwhoweseeas“us”andwhoweseeas“other.”Thelatestbrainscanresearchsuggeststhatwehavearatherbinaryunderstandingofselfandotherandthatourempathycircuitsdonotactivateunlessweseetheotherpersonaspartofourowngroup.Somanywarshavebeenfoughtandsomuchinjusticehasbeenperpetratedbecausewe’vebanishedothersfromourgroupandthereforeourcircleofconcern.IremembertheArchbishopstarklypointingoutthisfactduringtheIraqWar,whenthetalliesofAmericanandIraqicasualtieswerereportedandvalueddifferentlybythemediaintheUnitedStates.IntheArchbishop’stallythesewereallGod’schildren,indivisibleandvaluedequally.

TheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamaaretrulytwoofthemostinclusivereligiousfiguresintheworld,andthroughouttheweekthethemeunderlyingtheirteachingswasabouttranscendingournarrowdefinitionsandfindingloveandcompassionforallofhumanity.Thesharingoftraditionsthatwewereengagedinthatmorningwasaremindertoputasideourownnarrowbeliefsofselfandother,oursandtheirs,ChristianandBuddhist,HinduandJew,believerandatheist.InthelandofGandhithatwewerein,IthoughtofhistotemicwordswhenaskedifhewasaHindu:“YesIam.IamalsoaChristian,aMuslim,aBuddhist,andaJew.”Wewerelookingforhumantruth,andwewoulddrinkfromthecupofwisdomfromwhateversourceitcame.

“IsitEnglish?”theDalaiLamaaskedashetookthebooklet.“It’sEnglish,yes.DoyouwanttoreadinXhosa?”theArchbishop

said,referringtohisAfricanmothertongue,clickingashesaidtheword.“ThatoneIdon’tknow.”“ForyoursakewewilluseEnglish.”“Thankyou,thankyou,”theDalaiLamasaid.“ButthelanguageofheavenisXhosa.Whenyougetupthere,theyare

M

goingtohavetofindatranslatorforyou.”“Thereisaconnection,”theDalaiLamasaid.“Yousee,historianssay

thatthefirsthumanbeingscamefromAfrica—ourrealancestors.SoGod’screationbeganinAfrica.”

“Notveryfarfrommyhome,”theArchbishopreplied,“thesitethattheysayistheCradleofHumankind.Soalthoughyoulooklikeyoulook,youareanAfrican!”

“TheEuropean,theAsian,theArab,theAmerican...”theDalaiLamabegan.

“TheyareallAfrican,”theArchbishopfinished.“WeareallAfrican.Someofuswerefartherawayfromtheheatandtheircomplexionschanged.Nowwewanttobequiet.”

“Yes.First,youshouldbequiet.Thenwewillfollow,”theDalaiLamasaid,onelastteasebeforesanctitydescended,althoughIoftenfeltlike,forthesetwomen,holinessandlightheartednesswereindivisible.

TheDalaiLamanowsattherewithhislipspursedtogetherreverentially.Astheservicebeganhenoddedhisheadattentively.Whenwestood,hestoodstraightandwrappedhiscrimsoncloakaroundhim.Hishandswerepressedtogether,hisfingerslaced.Iknewthateachleaderwasusedtoservingastherepresentativeoftheirentiretradition,andtheDalaiLamawasattemptingtoofferhisrespectsonbehalfofthewholeTibetanBuddhist—perhapsthewholeBuddhist—community.

•••

phoTutuworeabrightreddressandamatchingredheadscarfaswellasablackcloak.Shebeganwithaprayerforallofthose

placeswhereinjusticeexists,wherethereisstrife,andcontinuedtoofferprayersofhealingforallofthosewhoareinneed.Sheconcludedbyblessingtheworkthatweweredoingtogether.

WefinishedtheprayersandaffirmationsoftheEucharistwiththewords“Peacebewithyou.ThepeaceoftheLordbewithyou.”Everyonewentaroundtokissandembraceoneanother.TheDalaiLamawasbehindhismeditationtable.Iwasthinkingabouthowfewembraceshe

B

mustget,andwentovertogreethim.Mphodid,too.ThentheArchbishopdidaswell.Theyheldhandsandbowedtoeachother.

NowwasthetimeforCommunion.TheArchbishopliftedupasmallpieceofTibetanwhitebreadandplaceditintheDalaiLama’smouth.OnecouldseethebeadedU-B-U-N-T-UbraceletontheArchbishop’swristaffirmingourconnectednessandinterdependencetooneanother.Itwasthereminderthatwecanbeincommunionwitheveryone.ThenMphoapproachedwiththeglassofredwine.TheDalaiLamadippedthetipofhisleftringfingerintotheglassandthenplacedthesmallestdropintohismouth.

AftergivingeveryoneCommunion,theArchbishopusedhisfingertocollectallthecrumbs,sonotasmidgenofthesymbolicbodywouldbediscarded,thenpouredanyremainingbitsintotheglassofwatered-downwineanddrankit.

TheArchbishopendedwithablessinginXhosa,clickingrepeatedlyinthebeautifulsoundpoetryofhisnativelanguage,crossedhimself,andthenmadethesignofthecrossoverthegatheredfellowship.“I’mdrivingyouout,gooutintotheworld.GoinpeacetoloveandservetheLord.Hallelujah.Hallelujah.InthenameofChrist.Amen.Hallelujah.Hallelujah.”

•••

eforeweleft,theDalaiLamastoppedtotakesomepills,whichheexplainedwereTibetanmedicines.Hechewedthemup,hisface

puckeringattheirbittertaste.“That’swhyyouarelookingsohandsome,”theArchbishopsaid.“BecauseofGod’sgrace,”theDalaiLamareplied.Rachelthenadded,“God’sgracesendstheTibetandoctor.”“Intermsofphysicalstrength,Godlovesthenonbelievermorethan

thebeliever!”theDalaiLamasaid,laughing.TheArchbishopbegantocackle,too,ashetookhiscaneandstartedto

walkawaybutthenturnedaround:“Don’tlaughatyourownjokes,man.”“Youtaughtmetodothat.”ThentheDalaiLamagotup,wrappedhis

cloakaroundhisshoulders,andtooktheArchbishop’sarm.“Thankyouverymuch,”hesaid,referringtotheservice.“Veryimpressive.”

“Thankyouforyourhospitality,”theArchbishopreplied.Theyexitedbackdownthedarkhallwaylinedwiththangkas.The

brightlightwasstreaminginthroughthewindowsattheendofthehallwaynow.Theysteppedoutsideanddowntheconcretestairs,theArchbishopmovingslowly,bracinghimselfwiththehandrail.

Acarwaswaiting,buttheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamadecidedtowalkupthepathtogethertotheconferenceroomwheretheinterviewswerebeingfilmed.

TheDalaiLamatooktheArchbishop’shand,theonethatheldthecane.Theywalkedtogetherrathernimbly.

“Haveyouhadanyproblemswithsecurityhere?”theArchbishopasked.

“No,no,”theDalaiLamasaid.“I’mquitesurprised,”theArchbishopresponded.“No,”theDalaiLamasaidagain,confirminghissafety.“Iusually

describemyselfasthelongestguestoftheIndiangovernment,nowfifty-sixyears.”

“Fifty-six?But,Imean,therehavenotbeenanyintruders?Peoplewhohavewantedtocomeinhereandattackyou?”Hewasnodoubtthinkingofhisowndeaththreatsandtheactualplantoassassinatehim.Itwasfoiledbytheembraceofacrowdofpeoplethathadsurroundedhimattheairportandpreventedthewould-beassassinfromgettingcloseenough.

“No,no.Twenty-fourhoursaday.Indiaprovidesprotection.”“Quiteamazing,butevenso,theycanbequiteclever.Theycan

infiltratethesecurityestablishment,andyouthinkthatitissomeonewhoiscomingtoprotectyou,anditturnsout...”

“EvenintheWhiteHouse,”theDalaiLamasaid,“someoneenteredwithoutmuchnotice.”

“Itiswonderfulthatyouhavebeenabletobesecurehere.”“Theonlydanger,”theDalaiLamasaid,“isanearthquake.”

Days4and5

The Eight Pillars ofJoy

A

1.Perspective:ThereAreManyDifferent

Angles

swesaidrightatthebeginning,joyisaby-product,”theArchbishopbegan.“Ifyousetoutandsay,Iwanttobehappy,clenchingyour

teethwithdetermination,thisisthequickestwayofmissingthebus.”Soifjoyandhappinessareby-products,whatexactlyaretheyby-productsof?Itwastimetodelvedeeperintothequalitiesofmindandheartthatweneededtocultivatetocatchthatbus.

“Wehavenowcoveredthenatureoftruejoyandtheobstaclestojoy,”Isaidaswebeganourfourthdayofdialogues.“Nowwearereadytomoveontothepositivequalitiesthatallowustoexperiencemorejoy.”

Wehaddiscussedthetopicofmentalimmunityinreducingfearandangerandotherobstaclestojoy,buttheDalaiLamahadexplainedthatmentalimmunitywasalsoaboutfillingourmindandheartwithpositivethoughtsandfeelings.Asourdialogueprogressed,weconvergedoneightpillarsofjoy.Fourwerequalitiesofthemind:perspective,humility,humor,andacceptance.Fourwerequalitiesoftheheart:forgiveness,gratitude,compassion,andgenerosity.

Onthefirstday,theArchbishophadtouchedthefingersofhisrighthandtohishearttoemphasizeitscentrality.Wewouldendup,ultimately,atcompassionandgenerosity,andindeedbothmenwouldinsistthatthesetwoqualitieswereperhapsmostpivotaltoanylastinghappiness.Yetweneededtobeginwithsomefundamentalqualitiesofthemindthatwouldallowustoturnmoreeasilyandfrequentlytothecompassionateandgenerousresponsetolife.AstheDalaiLamahadsaidatthestartofourdialogues,wecreatemostofoursuffering,soweshouldbeabletocreatemorejoy.Thekey,hehadexplained,wasour

F

perspectiveandthethoughts,feelings,andactionsthatcomeasaresult.Scientificresearchconsistentlysupportedsomuchofthedialogue

thatwasunfoldingovertheweek.ThefactorsthatpsychologistSonjaLyubomirskyhasfoundtohavethegreatestinfluenceonourhappinesssupportedanumberoftheeightpillars.Thefirstconcernedourperspectivetowardlife,or,asLyubomirskydescribedit,ourabilitytoreframeoursituationmorepositively.Ourcapacitytoexperiencegratitudeandourchoicetobekindandgenerousweretheothers.

Ahealthyperspectivereallyisthefoundationofjoyandhappiness,becausethewayweseetheworldisthewayweexperiencetheworld.Changingthewayweseetheworldinturnchangesthewaywefeelandthewayweact,whichchangestheworlditself.Or,astheBuddhasaysintheDhammapada,“Withourmindwecreateourownworld.”

•••

oreveryeventinlife,”theDalaiLamasaid,“therearemanydifferentangles.Whenyoulookatthesameeventfromawider

perspective,yoursenseofworryandanxietyreduces,andyouhavegreaterjoy.”TheDalaiLamahaddiscussedtheimportanceofawiderperspectivewhenhewastellingusabouthowhewasabletoseethecalamityofhislosinghiscountryasanopportunity.Itwasjaw-droppingtohearhim“reframemorepositively”thelasthalfcenturyofexile.Hehadbeenabletoseenotonlywhathehadlostbutalsowhathehadgained:widercontactandnewrelationships,lessformalityandmorefreedomtodiscovertheworldandlearnfromothers.Hehadconcluded,“Sotherefore,ifyoulookfromoneangle,youfeel,Oh,howbad,howsad.Butifyoulookfromanotherangleatthatsametragedy,thatsameevent,youseethatitgivesmenewopportunities.”

EdithEvaEgertellsthestoryofvisitingtwosoldiersonthesamedayatWilliamBeaumontArmyMedicalCenteratFortBliss.Bothwereparaplegicswhohadlosttheuseoftheirlegsincombat.Theyhadthesamediagnosisandthesameprognosis.Thefirstveteran,Tom,waslyingonhisbedknottedintoafetalposition,railingagainstlifeanddecrying

T

hisfate.Thesecond,Chuck,wasoutofbedinhiswheelchair,explainingthathefeltasifhehadbeengivenasecondchanceinlife.Ashewaswheeledthroughthegarden,hehadrealizedthathewasclosertotheflowersandcouldlookrightintohischildren’seyes.

EgeroftenquotesfellowAuschwitzsurvivorViktorFrankl,whosaidthatourperspectivetowardlifeisourfinalandultimatefreedom.Sheexplainsthatourperspectiveliterallyhasthepowertokeepusaliveortocauseourdeath.OneofherfellowinmatesatAuschwitzwasterriblyillandweak,andothersinherbunkaskedherhowshewasholdingontolife.TheprisonersaidthatshehadheardthattheyweregoingtobeliberatedbyChristmas.Thewomanlivedagainstallodds,butshediedonChristmasDaywhentheywerenotliberated.It’snowonderthatduringtheweektheDalaiLamahadcalledsomethoughtsandfeelingstoxic,evenpoisonous.

Jinpaexplainedthatwhilechangingouremotionsisquitehard,changingourperspectiveisactuallyrelativelyeasy.Itisapartofourmind,overwhichwehaveinfluence.Thewayyouseetheworld,themeaningyougivetowhatyouwitness,changesthewayyoufeel.Itcanbethefirststepof“aspiritualandneuraljourneythatresultsinmoreandmoreequanimityandofourdefaultstatebeingincreasinglymorejoyful,”aspsychologistandwriterDanielGolemanpoeticallyputitonapretripcall.Perspective,Jinpaargued,isnothinglessthantheskullkeythatopensallofthelocksthatimprisonourhappiness.Whatisthisperspectiveshiftthathassuchpower?WhatisthehealthyperspectivethattheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopbringtolife,thatallowsthemtogreetlifewithsomuchjoyinthefaceofsomuchsorrow?

•••

heDalaiLamausedthetermswiderperspectiveandlargerperspective.Theyinvolvesteppingback,withinourownmind,to

lookatthebiggerpictureandtomovebeyondourlimitedself-awarenessandourlimitedself-interest.Everysituationweconfrontinlifecomesfromtheconvergenceofmanycontributingfactors.TheDalaiLamahad

explained,“Wemustlookatanygivensituationorproblemfromthefrontandfromtheback,fromthesides,andfromthetopandthebottom,sofromatleastsixdifferentangles.Thisallowsustotakeamorecompleteandholisticviewofreality,andifwedo,ourresponsewillbemoreconstructive.”

Wesufferfromaperspectivalmyopia.Asaresult,weareleftnearsighted,unabletoseeourexperienceinalargerway.Whenweconfrontachallenge,weoftenreacttothesituationwithfearandanger.Thestresscanmakeithardforustostepbackandseeotherperspectivesandothersolutions.Thisisnatural,theArchbishopemphasizedthroughouttheweek.Butifwetry,wecanbecomelessfixated,orattached,tousetheBuddhistterm,tooneoutcomeandcanusemoreskillfulmeanstohandlethesituation.Weseethatinthemostseeminglylimitingcircumstancewehavechoiceandfreedom,evenifthatfreedomisultimatelytheattitudewewilltake.Howcanatraumaleadtogrowthandtransformation?Howcananegativeeventactuallybecomepositive?Wewerebeinginvitedtoseetheblessinginthecurse,thejoyinthesorrow.Jinpaofferedasilver-liningthoughtexperimenttotakeusoutofourlimitedperspective:Takesomethingbadthathappenedinthepastandthenconsiderallthegoodthatcameoutofit.

ButisthissimplybeingPollyanna?Areweseeingtheworldlessclearlywhenweviewitthroughtheserose-coloredglasses?IdonotthinkanyonewouldaccusetheDalaiLamaorArchbishopTutuofnotseeingthestrugglestheyhavefacedorthehorrorsofourworldwithkeenandunflinchingvision.Whattheyareremindingusisthatoftenwhatwethinkisrealityisonlypartofthepicture.Welookatoneofthecalamitiesinourworld,astheArchbishopsuggested,andthenwelookagain,andweseeallthosewhoarehelpingtohealthosewhohavebeenharmed.Thisistheabilitytoreframelifemorepositivelybasedonabroader,richer,morenuancedperspective.

Withawiderperspective,wecanseeoursituationandallthoseinvolvedinalargercontextandfromamoreneutralposition.Byseeingthemanyconditionsandcircumstancesthathaveledtothisevent,wecanrecognizethatourlimitedperspectiveisnotthetruth.AstheDalaiLama

said,wecanevenseeourownroleinanyconflictormisunderstanding.Bysteppingbackwecanalsoseethelongview,andhaveaclearer

understandingofouractionsandourproblemsinthelargerframeofourlife.Thisallowsustoseethateventhoughoursituationmayseemchallengingnow,fromthevantagepointofamonthorayearoradecadethesechallengeswillseemmuchmoremanageable.WhentheArchbishopwasawardedtheTempletonPrizeinLondon,IhadtheopportunitytomeettheastronomerroyaloftheUnitedKingdom,SirMartinRees,whoexplainedtomethatourEarthwillexistforanequivalentamountoftimeasithastakenustogofromone-celledorganismstohumanbeings—inotherwords,weareonlyhalfwaythroughourevolutiononthisplanet.Thinkingofourworld’sproblemsinthislongsweepofplanetaryhistoryreallyisthelongview.Itputsourdailyconcernsintoamuchbroaderperspective.

Thiswiderperspectivealsoleadsusbeyondourownself-regard.Self-centerednessismostofourdefaultperspective.Itcomesquiteunderstandablyfromthefactthatweareatthecenterofourworld.ButastheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopdemonstratesopowerfully,wealsohavetheabilitytotakeontheperspectivesofothers.

IrememberedtheArchbishopwonderingifthepersonwhohadcuthimoffintrafficmightberushingtothehospitalbecausehiswifewasgivingbirthorbecausealovedonewasdying.“Ihavesometimessaidtopeople,”theArchbishopsaid,“whenyouarestuckinatrafficjam,youcandealwithitinoneoftwoways.Youcanletthefrustrationreallyeatyouup.Oryoucanlookaroundattheotherdriversandseethatonemighthaveawifewhohaspancreaticcancer.Itdoesn’tmatterifyoudon’tknowexactlywhattheymighthave,butyouknowtheyareallsufferingwithworriesandfearsbecausetheyarehuman.Andyoucanliftthemupandblessthem.Youcansay,Please,God,giveeachoneofthemwhattheyneed.

“Theveryfactofnotthinkingaboutyourownfrustrationandpaindoessomething.Idon’tknowwhy.Butitwillmakeyoufeelmuchbetter.AndIthinkithastherapeuticconsequencesforyourownhealth,physicalandspiritual.Butwhatdoesfrustrationhelp?Imean,youfeelitinthepit

ofyourtummy,theanger.Imean,youjustgetmoreangry,andafterawhileyouaregoingtodevelopulcersinthestomachfromthefactthatyougotannoyedatsittinginatrafficjam.”

Takinga“God’s-eyeperspective,”astheArchbishopmightsay,allowsustotranscendourlimitedidentityandlimitedself-interest.OnedoesnothavetobelieveinGodtoexperiencethismind-alteringshiftinperspective.ThefamousOverviewEffectisperhapsthemostprofoundexample.ManyastronautshavereportedthatoncetheyglimpsedEarthfromspace—asmallblueballfloatinginthevastexpanse,lackingourhuman-madeborders—theyneverlookedattheirpersonalornationalinterestsinquitethesamewayagain.Theysawtheonenessofterrestriallifeandthepreciousnessofourplanetaryhome.

Fundamentally,theDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopweretryingtoshiftourperspectivefromfocusingonIandmeandminetoweandusandours.EarlierintheweektheDalaiLamahadreferencedaclassicstudythatsuggestedtheconstantuseofpersonalpronounsleadstoagreaterriskofheartattack.Inamulticenterprospectivestudyofcoronaryheartdisease,healthresearcherLarryScherwitzfoundthatpeoplewhomorefrequentlysaidI,me,orminehadahigherriskofhavingaheartattackandhadahigherriskoftheirheartattackbeingfatal.Scherwitzfoundthatthisso-called“self-involvement”wasabetterpredictorofdeaththansmoking,highcholesterollevels,orhighbloodpressure.AmorerecentstudyconductedbyresearcherJohannesZimmermanfoundthatpeoplewhomoreoftenusefirst-personsingularwords—Iandme—aremorelikelytobedepressedthanpeoplewhomoreoftenusefirst-personplural—weandus.Thiswasinterestingevidencethatbeingtooself-regardingreallydoesmakeusunhappy.

Whenwehaveawiderperspective,wearealsolesslikelytospendourtimelostinself-referentialthoughts,ruminating.Jinpaofferedanotherthoughtexperimentdesignedtotakeusoutofourself-absorption,onethattheArchbishopdescribedusingwhenhewasinthehospitalbeingtreatedforprostatecancer,andthattheDalaiLamausedwhenhewasdoubledoverinpainfromagallbladderinfection:Thinkaboutwhereyouaresufferinginyourlifeandthenthinkaboutallthe

otherpeoplewhoaregoingthroughasimilarsituation.Thisperhapsisquiteliterallythebirthofcompassion,whichmeans“sufferingwith.”Theincrediblething,theDalaiLamaandtheArchbishoppointedout,wasthatthis“sufferingwith”othersremindsusthatwearenotalone,andactuallylessensourownpain.Thisrecognitionofourinterdependencebeginstosoftenourrigidsenseofself,theboundariesthatseparateusfromothers.TheDalaiLamahadsaidearlierintheweek,“If,ontheotherhand,Irelatetoothersfromtheperspectiveofmyselfassomeonedifferent—aBuddhist,aTibetan,andsoon—Iwillthencreatewallstokeepmeapartfromothers.”

Wewerebackattheconversationthatbegantheweek,whenwehadjustgottenofftheairplaneandweresittingintheloungeoftheairport.TheDalaiLamahadasked,“WhereisBishopTutu’sself?Wecan’tfindit.”TheDalaiLama,inatraditionaltwistofBuddhistreasoning,said,“Thisishisbody,butnothimself.Thisishismind,butnothimself.”Buddhistsfollowthislineofinquirytoreduceourattachmenttoouridentity,recognizingthatthelessattachedweare,thelessdefensiveandreactivewewillbeandthemoreeffectiveandskillfulwecanbe.

AstheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopexplained,thewiderperspectiveleadstoserenityandequanimity.Itdoesnotmeanwedon’thavethestrengthtoconfrontaproblem,butwecanconfrontitwithcreativityandcompassionratherthanrigidityandreactivity.Whenwetaketheperspectiveofothers,wecanempathizewiththem.Onestartstoseetheinterdependencethatenvelopsusall,whichrevealsthathowwetreatothersisultimatelyhowwetreatourselves.Wealsoareabletorecognizethatwedonotcontrolallaspectsofanysituation.Thisleadstoagreatersenseofhumility,humor,andacceptance.

I

2.Humility:ITriedtoLookHumbleand

Modest

wanttorespondtoyourcommentaboutbeingatthefuneral,”theDalaiLamasaid,referringbacktotheArchbishop’sstoryaboutpreachingat

ChrisHani’sfuneral.“Youmentionedwhenyouspokeatthefuneralthatyoudidnotconsideryourselfassuperior,youwerejustoneofthem.That’svery,veryimportant.IalwaysfeelthesamewaywhenIgiveatalk.Iconsidermyselfassimplyanotherperson,justlikethoseintheaudience,samehumanbeing.So,Iamjustonehumanbeingtalkingtootherhumanbeings.

“Similarly,theyshouldconsidermeasthesamehumanbeing,withthesamepotentialforconstructiveemotionsanddestructiveemotions.Whenwemeetanyone,firstandforemostwemustrememberthatthey,too,havethesamedesiretohaveahappyday,ahappymonth,ahappylife.Andallhavetherighttoachieveit.

“Then,yousee,mytalkmayofferthemsomethingrelevant,butifIconsidermyselfsomethingspecial,oriftheyalsoconsidermesomethingdifferentandspecial,thenmyexperiencewillnotbeofmuchuse.Soit’swonderfulthat,inyou,Archbishop,Ihavefoundacomradewhofullysharesthissameview.”

TheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopwereuninterestedinstatusandsuperiority.TheDalaiLamabegantotellastorythatwasapoignantreminderthatnotallsharedtheirviewinthereligiousworld.

“YouhavesaidIamamischievousperson,”hesaid,pointingattheArchbishop.“Oneday,atabiginterfaithmeetinginDelhi,oneIndianspiritualleadersattherenexttomelikethis.”TheDalaiLamasatupstifflyandmadearigid,scowlingface.“Hesaidthathisseatshouldbe

higherthantheothers.Whatdoyoucallthis?”theDalaiLamaasked,tappingthebaseofhischair.

“Thelegs,”theArchbishopoffered.“Yes,thelegswerenotlongenough,sotheorganizershadtobring

someextrabrickstomakethisspiritualleader’schairhigher.ThewholetimeIsatnexttohim,heremainedimmobilelikeastatue.ThenIthought,Ifoneofthebricksweretomove,andhefellover,thenwewouldseewhatwouldhappen—”

“Didyoumovethebrick?”theArchbishopasked.“IfIhad...”“Idon’tbelieveyou.”“MaybeyouwillseesomemysteriousforcemovethebrickbecauseI

willpraytoGod,‘Please,justtopplethatchair.’Thenthatspiritualleaderwillactlikearealhumanbeing.”

TheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopwerecackling.“AsImentionedearlierIusedtogetnervous,”theDalaiLama

continued.“WhenIwasyoungandhadtogivesomeformalteachings,becauseIwasnotthinkingthatweareallsame,Iwouldexperienceanxiety.IwouldforgetthatI’mjusttalkingasahumanbeingtofellowhumansbeings.Iwouldthinkofmyselfassomethingspecial,andthatkindofthinkingwouldmakemefeelisolated.Itisthissenseofseparatenessthatisolatesusfromotherpeople.Infact,thiskindofarrogantwayofthinkingcreatesasenseofloneliness,andthenanxiety.

“In1954,justafterIreachedBeijingonanofficialvisit,theIndianambassadorcametoseeme.SomeChineseofficialswerealsothere.TheChineseCommunistofficials,again,werelikestatues,likethis—veryseriousandreserved.Thensomehowabowloffruitonthetabletoppledover.Idon’tknowwhathappened.Sothenthosestern-lookingChineseofficialsgotdownontheirkneestochaseandpickupthefruit.Yousee?Whenthingsgosmoothly,thenwecanpretendwearesomethingveryspecial.Butsomethinghappens,somethingunexpected,thenweareforcedtoactlikenormalhumanbeings.”

Ibeganaskinganotherquestion,whentheDalaiLamaglancedataclockthatwasdisplayingthewrongtimeandaskedwhetheritwastime

fortheteabreak.IexplainedthatwestillhadahalfhourbutaskedtheArchbishop,whoseenergylevelweweremonitoringclosely,whetherheneededabreak.

“No.”“You’reokay?”Iaskedagain,awarethattheArchbishopmightpush

himselfbeyondwhatwouldbegoodforhishealth.“He’sdoingverywell,”theArchbishopsaid,referringtotheDalai

Lama.“He’sbehavinglikeahumanbeing.”“Soyoudescribemeasmischievousperson,”theDalaiLamajoked

back.“SowhenI’mataveryholyorformalmeeting,ItrulyamthinkingthatIwishsomethingwouldgowrong.”

“NowpeoplearegoingtoknowthatwhentheDalaiLamacomesintoaroom,andmaybehe’ssittingwithpresidents,he’slookingaroundandhopingthatoneofthechairswillbreak.”

“Sothat’swhy,”theDalaiLamacontinuedtoexplain,“whenIfirstmetPresidentBush,weimmediatelybecameclosefriendsonthehumanlevel—notofficiallevel—humanlevel.Weweresittingtogether,whensomecookieswereserved.ThenIasked,‘Whichoneisthebest?’Andheimmediatelysaid,pointingtoone,‘Thisoneisverygood.’Heactedlikeanormalhumanbeing,sowebecameveryclose.Someotherleaders,whenwearemeeting,there’llbesomedistance.Thenthesecondtime,littlecloser,thirdtime,littlecloser.”Witheachtime,hewasmovinghisheadalittleclosertotheArchbishop.

“WhenIwasveryyoung,inLhasa,IusedtoreceivecopiesoftheAmericanmagazinecalledLife.OneissuehadapictureofPrincessElizabeth,thefuturequeen,atsomeverybigofficialfunction.TheprincesswasreadingamessagewithPrincePhilipbyherside.ThewindhadblownHerMajesty’sskirtlikethat.”TheDalaiLamawaspuffinghisrobesout.“BothPrincessElizabethandPrincePhilippretendedlikenothinghadhappened,butanAmericanphotographertookthepicture.WhenIsawthatpictureIlaughed.Ireallythoughtitwasveryfunny.Sometimes,especiallyinformaloccasions,peopleactasiftheyaredifferentandspecial.Butweallknowthatweareallthesame,ordinaryhumanbeings.”

“Canyouexplaintherolethathumilityplaysincultivatingjoy?”Iasked,astheArchbishopstartedlaughing.

“Theytellthestoryofabishop,”hebegan,“whowasabouttoordaincandidatestothepriesthood.Theywerespeakingaboutvirtues,includingthevirtueofhumility.Oneofthecandidatescameuptothebishopandsaid,‘Mylord,I’vebeenlookinginthelibrarytofindabookonhumility.’Thebishopsaid,‘Oh,yes,I’vewrittenthebestbookonthesubject.’”

Ithoughthemightalsosharethejokeheoftentellsofthethreebishops:Thesethreereligiousleaderswerestandingbeforethealtar,beatingtheirbreastswithgreathumility,sayinghow,beforeGod,theywerenothing.Shortly,oneofthelowlyacolytesinthechurchapproachedandstartedtobeathischest,professingthathe,too,wasnothing.Whenthethreebishopsheardhim,oneelbowedtheotherandsaid,“Lookwhothinkshe’snothing.”

Thesestoriesaboutfalsemodestyarefunnybecausehumilityisnotsomethingthatonecanclaimtohave.ItisforthisreasonthatIthinkthattheArchbishopwaslaughingaboutthequestionevenbeforeIhadfinishedaskingit.Hedidnotwanttoclaimtobeanexpertonhumility.NonethelessheandtheDalaiLamaweresayingthathumilityisessentialtoalifeofjoy.Andit’sexactlythishumilitythatallowsthesetwomentobesoapproachable,soconnectedtoothers,andsoeffectiveintheirworkintheworld.

“ThereisaTibetanprayer,”theDalaiLamasaid,“whichispartofthemind-trainingteachings.ATibetanmastersays,‘WheneverIseesomeone,mayIneverfeelsuperior.Fromthedepthofmyheart,mayIbeabletoreallyappreciatetheotherpersoninfrontofme.’”AndthenheturnedtotheArchbishopandsaid,“Sometimesyoutellmetoact...”

“Likeaholyman,”theArchbishopfinished.“Yes,likeaholyman,”theDalaiLamasaid,laughingasifhisbeinga

holymanwasthefunniestthinghehadeverheard.“Yes,yes,”theArchbishopsaid.“Imean,peopleexpectthatyou

wouldhaveapresenceandbehaveproperly.Nottakemycapandputitonyourownhead.Imean,peopledon’texpectthatfromaholyman.”

“Butifyouthinkyouarejustanormalperson—onehumanbeingoutofsevenbillion—youseethere’snoreasontobesurprisedortofeellikeIshouldbesomethingspecial.SowheneverI’mwithqueensorkingsorpresidentsorprimeministersorbeggarsIalwaysrememberthatweareallthesame.”

“SowhenpeopletreatyouasHisHolinesswithsuchdeference,”Isaid,“doesthatmakeitdifficulttomaintainyourhumility?”

“No,Idon’tcareaboutformalityorprotocol.Theseareartificial.Really.Bishop,youwerebornthesamehumanway.Thereisnospecialwaythatbishopsareborn.AndIthink,whentheendcomes,alsoyouwilldieasanormalhumanbeing.”

“Yes,”theArchbishopsaid,“butwhenpeoplecomeintoyourpresencetheydon’tcomeastheycomeintomypresence.”

“ThatIthinkisbecauseIcomefrommysteriousland,Tibet.SomepeoplecallTibetShangri-La,soperhapsapersonwhospentmanyyearsinPotalaissortofmysterious.AndthenIthinkthesedaysyouseeChinesehard-linersalwayscriticizeme.Sothatalsomakesmorepublicity.Sothese—”TheDalaiLamawaslaughingathismysteriousnessandhisglobalfame.

TheArchbishopcuthimoff.“Yousee—that’sexactlywhatwemean.Youlaughatwhatwouldnormallybeasourceofanguish.Andpeoplesay,IhopethatwhenIhavesomeanguishinmylife,IcanrespondinthewaythatIsawtheDalaiLamarespondtohowtheChinesetreatedhim.Howareyouabletocultivateit?Howdidyoucultivateit?Youwerenotbornlikethat.”

“That’strue,itwasthroughtrainingandalsothegoodfortuneofreceivingmymother’slove.WhenIwasyoung,Ineversawmymother’sangryface.Shewasvery,verykind.Butmyfatherhadaveryshorttemper.OnafewoccasionsIevengothisblessing.”TheDalaiLamamadethegestureofbeingslapped.“WhenIwasyoung,”hecontinued,“Ifollowedmyfather’sway,remainingquiteshort-tempered.ButasIgotalittleolder,thenIbegantotakeaftermymother’sway.SothatwayIliveduptotheexpectationofbothmyparents!”

TheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopwerebothinsistentthathumility

isessentialtoanypossibilityofjoy.Whenwehaveawiderperspective,wehaveanaturalunderstandingofourplaceinthegreatsweepofallthatwas,is,andwillbe.Thisnaturallyleadstohumilityandtherecognitionthatashumanbeingswecan’tsolveeverythingorcontrolallaspectsoflife.Weneedothers.TheArchbishophaspoignantlysaidthatourvulnerabilities,ourfrailties,andourlimitationsareareminderthatweneedoneanother:Wearenotcreatedforindependenceorself-sufficiency,butforinterdependenceandmutualsupport.TheDalaiLamawassayingthatweareallbornandalldieinthesameway,andatthesemomentswearetotallydependentonothers,whetherweareaDalaiLamaorabeggar,whetherweareanArchbishoporarefugee.

Withthekeeninsightofalongtimefriendandcollaborator,DanielGolemancharacterizedtheDalaiLama’sattitudetowardlife:“TheDalaiLamaseemsamusedbyeverythingthatisgoingonaroundhim,takingpleasureinwhateverisgoingon,butnottakinganythingtoopersonally,andnotworryingortakingoffenseatanythingthatishappening.”TheDalaiLamawasremindingusthroughouttheweeknottogetcaughtupinroles,andindeedarroganceistheconfusionbetweenourtemporaryrolesandourfundamentalidentity.WhenJuan,oursoundtechnician,wireduphisremotemicrophone,theDalaiLamaplayfullypulledonJuan’sDonQuixotebeard,whichwouldstarteveryonegiggling,mostofalltheDalaiLama.Hewassaying:TodayyouarethesoundtechnicianandIamtheDalaiLama,nexttimemaybetheroleswillbereversed.Nexttimemightbeanotheryearoranotherlife,astheideaofreincarnationdoesremindusthatallofourrolesaretemporary.

ThewordhumilityactuallycomesfromtheLatinwordforearthorsoil,humus—whichsoundsalotlikebutshouldnotbeconfusedwiththesimplebutdeliciousMiddleEasternchickpeadip,hummus.Humilityliterallybringsusbackdowntoearth,sometimeswithathud.TheArchbishoptellsthestoryofflyingfromDurbantoJohannesburgduringtheanti-apartheidstruggle.Aflightattendantsaidthatoneofthepassengershadaskedifhewouldautographabook.Herecalls,“Itriedtolookhumbleandmodest,althoughIwasthinkinginmyheartthatthereweresomepeoplewhorecognizedagoodthingwhentheysawit.”But

whenshehandedhimthebook,andhetookouthispen,shesaid,“YouareBishopMuzorewa,aren’tyou?”

Noneofusareimmunetotheall-too-humantraitsofprideorego,buttruearrogancereallycomesfrominsecurity.Needingtofeelthatwearebiggerthanotherscomesfromanaggingfearthatwearesmaller.WhenevertheDalaiLamasensesthisdanger,helooksatabugorsomeothercreatureandremindshimselfthat,insomeways,thiscreatureisbetterthanweare,becauseitisinnocentandfreeofmalice.“WhenwerealizethatweareallchildrenofGod,”theArchbishophasexplained,“andofequalandintrinsicvalue,thenwedon’thavetofeelbetterorworsethanothers.”TheArchbishopwasadamant:“Nooneisadivineaccident.”Whilewemaynotbespecial,weareessential.Noonecanfulfillourrolebutusinthedivineplanorkarmicunfolding.

“Sometimesweconfusehumilitywithtimidity,”theArchbishopexplained.“Thisgiveslittleglorytotheonewhohasgivenusourgifts.HumilityistherecognitionthatyourgiftsarefromGod,andthisletsyousitrelativelylooselytothosegifts.Humilityallowsustocelebratethegiftsofothers,butitdoesnotmeanyouhavetodenyyourowngiftsorshrinkfromusingthem.Goduseseachofusinourownway,andevenifyouarenotthebestone,youmaybetheonewhoisneededortheonewhoisthere.”

IrecalledhowthenightbeforetheinterviewsbeganIhadtossedandturnedinbed,feelingquiteinsecureandnervous.IwasgoingtohavetointerviewthesetwogreatspiritualteachersandneededtomakesureIwasaskingtherightquestions.Wehadoneopportunitytogetthisright—oneopportunitytocapturethishistoricmeetingandseriesofdialoguesfortheworld.Iwasnotanewsanchororjournalist.Surelythereweremanyotherswhoweremorequalifiedtoconducttheinterviews.IwasattemptingtodosomethingIhadneverdonebefore,andwheneverwechallengeourselves,fearanddoubtareinevitable.Iamnotsureweevervanquishthesevoices.Wheneverweareattheedgeofourabilityandexperience,theyalwayswhisperinourears,theirworriedwords.Ihavecometoseethatthesevoicesareactuallytryingtokeepussafeastheywarnusawayfromtheunfamiliarandtheunknown,butthisdoesnot

maketheirdaggersofself-doubtanylesspainful.IfinallywasabletofallasleepwhenIrealizedthatthiswasnotaboutme,ormylimitations.IwassimplytheambassadoraskingquestionsonbehalfofallthosewhowantedtobenefitfromthewisdomoftheArchbishopandtheDalaiLama—andIwouldnotbealoneduringtheinterviewsorinthewritingofthisbook.AstheArchbishophadsaid,whetherIwasthebestoneornot,Iwastheonewhowasthere.

“WehaveaquestionfromaboynamedEmory,”Isaid.“Itisaddressedtoyou,YourHoliness.Hewrites:‘YourquotesalwaysliftmeupandgivemepurposewhenIamdownonmyself.Whatisthebestwaytokeepapositiveattitudewhenthingsaren’tgoingyourway?’Sohereisaboywhogetsdownonhimself,thewaywealldo.Howcanwedealwiththeself-criticalvoicesthatweallhave?”

“Somanypeople,”theDalaiLamasaid,“seemtostrugglewithbeingkindtothemselves.Thisisreallysad.Yousee,ifyoudon’thavegenuineloveandkindnesstowardyourself,howcanyouextendthesetoothers?Wemustremindpeople,astheArchbishophassaid,thatbasichumannatureisgood,ispositive,sothiscangiveussomecourageandself-confidence.Aswesaid,toomuchfocusonyourselfleadstofear,insecurity,andanxiety.Remember,youarenotalone.Youarepartofawholegenerationthatisthefutureofhumanity.Thenyouwillgetasenseofcourageandpurposeinlife.

“Now,weshouldalsorealizethattherecognitionofourownlimitationsandweaknessescanbeverypositive.Thiscanbewisdom.Ifyourealizethatyouareinadequateinsomeway,thenyoudevelopeffort.Ifyouthink,everythingisfineandI’mokayjustasIam,thenyouwillnottrytodevelopfurther.ThereisaTibetansayingthatwisdomislikerainwater—bothgatherinthelowplaces.Thereisanothersayingthatwhenthespringbloomcomes,wheredoesitstart?Doesitstartonthehilltopsordowninthevalleysfirst?Growthbeginsfirstinthelowplaces.Sosimilarlyifyouremainhumble,thenthereisthepossibilitytokeeplearning.SoIoftentellpeoplethatalthoughI’meightyyearsold,Istillconsidermyselfastudent.”

“Really?”theArchbishopsaidwithawrysmile.

“Really.Everydaylearning,learning.”“Yes,youarewonderful.”“Oh.”TheDalaiLamalaughed.“Iexpectthatkindofcommentfrom

you.”TheArchbishoplaughed,too,tryingtokeephimselfhumble.When

wehavehumility,wecanlaughatourselves.ItwassurprisingtoheartheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamadescribetheimportanceofapropersenseofhumor,andespeciallytheabilitytolaughatourownfoibles,asessentialtothecultivationofjoy.

O

3.Humor:Laughter,JokingIsMuch

Better

neofthemoststunningaspectsoftheweekwashowmuchofitwasspentlaughing.AttimestheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishop

seemedtobeasmuchacomedyduoastwovenerablespiritualteachers.Itistheirabilitytojoke,andlaugh,andpokefunattheordinarypietiesthatsorighteouslyviolatesexpectation.WhenaDalaiLamaandanArchbishopwalkintoabar,youdon’texpectthemtobetheonescrackingthejokes.Havingworkedwithmanyspiritualleaders,I’mtemptedtoseelaughterandasenseofhumorasauniversalindexofspiritualdevelopment.TheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamawerecertainlyatthetopofthatindex,andtheyskeweredhumbug,status,injustice,andevil,allwiththepowerofhumor.Theyandeveryonearoundthemwereconstantlyguffawing,chortling,giggling,andbellylaughingthroughouttheweek,asmomentsofgreatlevityweresplicedtogetherwithmomentsofprofundityandsanctity.Sooftentheirfirstresponsetoanysubject,nomatterhowseeminglypainful,wastolaugh.

Itwasclearthathumorwascentraltotheirjoyfulwayofbeing,butwhywaslaughtersocentral?

“IworkedwithaMexicanshamanonce,”Isaid,introducingthetopic.“Hesaidthatlaughingandcryingarethesamething—laughingjustfeelsbetter.It’sclearthatlaughteriscentraltothewaythatyouareintheworld.AndtheArchbishopwasjustsaying,YourHoliness,thatyoulaughatsomethingthatcouldordinarilybeasourceofanguish.”

“That’sright.That’sright.”“Canyoutellusabouttheroleoflaughterandhumorinthe

cultivationofjoy?”

“Itismuchbetterwhenthereisnottoomuchseriousness,”theDalaiLamaresponded.“Laughter,jokingismuchbetter.Thenwecanbecompletelyrelaxed.ImetsomescientistsinJapan,andtheyexplainedthatwholeheartedlaughter—notartificiallaughter—isverygoodforyourheartandyourhealthingeneral.”Whenhesaid“artificiallaughter,”hepretendedtosmileandforcedachuckle.Hewasmakingaconnectionbetweenwholeheartedlaughterandawarmheart,whichhehadalreadysaidwasthekeytohappiness.

Ionceheardthatlaughterwasthemostdirectlinebetweenanytwopeople,andcertainlytheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopusedhumortobreakdownthesocialbarriersthatseparateus.Humor,likehumility,comesfromthesamerootwordforhumanity:humus.Thelowlyandsustainingearthisthesourceforallthreewords.Isitanysurprisethatwehavetohaveasenseofhumilitytobeabletolaughatourselvesandthattolaughatourselvesremindsusofoursharedhumanity?

“Ithinkthatthescientistsareright,”theDalaiLamaconcluded.“Peoplewhoarealwayslaughinghaveasenseofabandonandease.Theyarelesslikelytohaveaheartattackthanthosepeoplewhoarereallyseriousandwhohavedifficultyconnectingwithotherpeople.Thoseseriouspeopleareinrealdanger.”

“Wefoundathome...”theArchbishopadded,gazingdownthoughtfully,rememberingthosepainfultimes,“whenwewereconductingfuneralsofpeoplewhohadbeenkilledbythepolice,wewouldhavehundredsandhundredsofpeopleattendingthefunerals.Itwasastateofemergency—youwerenotallowedanyothergatherings—sothefuneralsturnedintopoliticalrallies.Wefoundthatoneofthebestwaysofhelpingourpeopledirecttheirenergiesinpositivedirectionswaslaughter.Tellingjokes,evenatourexpense,wassuchawonderfulfliptoourmorale.Ofcoursesomeofthethingsthathappenedwerejustsohorrendous.LikeIwassayingyesterday,aboutChrisHani,humorhelpedtodefuseavery,verytensesituation,tellingstoriesthatmadepeoplelaughandespeciallytolaughatthemselves.

“Peoplewerereallyangryandyou’dhavethepolicestandingnotfaraway—anditwasanexplosivesituation.Anythingcouldhavegone

wrong.Myweaponry,ifyoucancallitthat,wasalmostalwaystousehumor,andespeciallyself-denigratinghumor,whereyouarelaughingatyourself.

“WecametoatownshipjustoutsideofJohannesburg,wheretheapartheidforceshadprovidedweaponstoonegroup,andtheyhadkilledquiteanumberofpeople.Wewerehavingameetingofbishopscloseby,andIwaspartofthoseleadingthefuneralofthevictimsofthatmassacre.Thepeoplewereobviouslyextremelyangry,andIrememberedastorythathadbeentoldabouthowatthebeginningofcreation,Godmoldedusoutofclayandthenputusintoakiln,likeyoudowithbricks.Godputonelotinandthengotbusywithotherthingsandforgotaboutthosehehadputintothekiln.Andafterawhileherememberedandrushedtothekiln,wherethewholelotwasburnedtocinders.Theysaythisishowweblackpeoplecameabout.Everyonelaughedalittle.AndthenIsaid,‘Next,Godputinasecondlot,andthistimehewasoveranxiousandopenedtheoventooquickly,andthissecondlotthatcameoutwasunderdone.Andthat’showwhitepeoplecameabout.’”TheArchbishopfinishedwithalittlelaughandthenthatcacklethatclimbsuptheflagpoleandbackdown.

“Wetendtowanttoblowourselvesup,inflateourselvesbecausemostofushavetendedtohaveapoorself-image.Whenyou’reinasituationsuchastheoneinSouthAfricawhereyouwerediscriminatedagainst,itwasveryeasytoloseyoursenseofself,andhumorseemstodosomethingforpeople.Humorcertainlydidonegoodthing:itdeflated,defusedaparticularlytensesituation.”

TheArchbishophadvisitedRwandashortlyafterthegenocideandwasaskedtogiveatalktotheHutusandtheTutsis.Howdoesonetalkaboutawoundthatissofreshinthesoulofapeople?TheArchbishop’ssolution,asitsooftenis,wastospeaktruthtopower—throughhumor.Hebegantellingastoryaboutthebig-nosepeopleandthesmall-nosepeopleandhowthebig-nosepeoplewereexcludingthesmall-nosepeople.Thepeopleintheaudiencewerelaughing,andastheywerelaughingtheysuddenlyrealizedwhathewastalkingabout:theridiculousnessofprejudiceandhatred,whetherinhiscountryortheirs.

Humorwas,ashesaid,averypowerfulweapon.TheDalaiLamavisitedBelfastinnorthernIrelandaftertheTroubles.

Hewasinvitedtoattendaprivatemeetingwherevictimsandperpetratorsofviolencewerepresent.Theatmospherewasverytense,asthesufferingwaspracticallypalpableintheair.Asthemeetingbegan,aformerProtestantmilitantspokeofhow,whenhewasgrowingup,hewastoldbyotherloyaliststhatwhattheydidinoppositiontotheCatholicswasjustifiedbecauseJesuswasaProtestantandnotaCatholic.KnowingthatJesuswas,ofcourse,aJew,theDalaiLamalaughedsohardthathecompletelychangedtheatmosphere.Abletolaughattheabsurdityofourprejudicesandourhatreds,everyonewasabletocommunicatemorehonestlyandcompassionatelywitheachother.

“Whenwelearntotakeourselvesslightlylessseriously,”theArchbishopcontinued,“thenitisaverygreathelp.Wecanseetheridiculousinus.IwashelpedbythefactthatIcameoutofafamilywhodidliketotakethemickeyoutofothers,andwhowerequitefondofpointingouttheridiculous,especiallywhensomeonewasbeingabithoity-toity.Andtheyhadawayofpuncturingyoursenseofself-importance.

“Imean,ofcourseit’snotalaughingmatternottoknowwhereyournextmealisgoingtocomefrom.It’snotalaughingmatterwhenyougetupinthemorningandyoudon’thaveajob.Yetitwasthosepeoplewhoquitefrequentlyweretheoneswhoformedpartofthecrowdsthatusedtocometothepoliticalrallies,thefunerals.Andtheywerethepeoplewhowereabletolaughatthemselves.Andthentheirlaughingatotherswouldbelessmalicious.Theyweren’tparticularlynumberoneinGod’sgarden,buttheywereabletolaughatlifeinallitscrueltyanduncertainty.Humorreallyisthesavinggrace.

“Ihavebeenhelpedbymywife,Leah,whowasvery—isvery—goodatkeepingmehumble.Once,weweredriving,andInoticedthatshewasalittlesmuggerthanshenormallyis.AndthenwhenIlookedagainatthecarinfrontofus,Isawabumperstickerthatsaid:‘Anywomanwhowantstobeequaltoamanhasnoambition.’”

“Archbishop,”Isaid,“humorcanalsobeverycruel.Butyourhumor,

asI’veseenovertheyears,isaboutbringingustogether,notaboutseparatingusandputtinganyonedown—exceptmaybetheDalaiLama.Butmostofthetimeit’saboutuniting.Canyoutwotellusalittlebitaboutthewaysinwhichhumorcanbringustogetherandshowusoursharedridiculousness?”

“Well,yes,ifyouarelongingtobringpeopletogether,you’renotgoingtodosobybeingacerbic.Youknow,it’ssogoodtoseetheridiculousinusall,really.Ithinkwethengettoseeourcommonhumanityinmanyways.

“Ultimately,Ithinkit’saboutbeingabletolaughatyourselfandbeingablenottotakeyourselfsoseriously.It’snotaboutthebelittlinghumorthatputsothersdownandyourselfup.It’saboutbringingpeopleontocommonground.

“Ifyoucanmanagetodowngradeyourself,ifyouareabletolaughatyourselfandgetotherstolaughatyouwithoutfeelingguiltythattheyarelaughingatyou.Thehumorthatdoesn’tdemeanisaninvitationtoeveryonetojoininthelaughter.Evenifthey’relaughingatyouthey’rejoiningyouinalaughterthatfeelswholesome.”

“WhenyouandtheDalaiLamateaseeachother,”Iadded,“itdoesnotfeeldemeaningatall.”

“Yes,theDalaiLamaandIteaseeachother,butitisastatementoftrustintherelationship.It’sanindicationthatthere’senoughofareservoirofgoodwillthatyou’rereallysaying,‘Itrustyou.AndyoutrustmethatIknowyouwillnotunderminemeorbeoffendedbyme.’

“I’mjustthinkingthatwe’resoveryapttobelittlebecausewearealsosounsureofourselvesandwethinkthatthebestwayofassertingwhoweareisbyputtingyoudown,whereasthiskindofhumorsays,‘Comestandnexttomeandlet’slaughatmetogether,thenwecanlaughatyoutogether.’Itdoesnotbelittleeitherofusbutupliftsus,allowsustorecognizeandlaughaboutoursharedhumanity,aboutoursharedvulnerabilities,oursharedfrailties.Lifeishard,youknow,andlaughterishowwecometotermswithalltheironiesandcrueltiesanduncertaintiesthatweface.”

Scientificresearchonhumorisratherlimited,butitdoesseemthat

thereisanevolutionaryroleforlaughterandhumorinmanagingtheanxietyandstressoftheunknown.Jokesarefunnypreciselybecausetheybreakourexpectationsandhelpustoaccepttheunexpected.Otherpeopleareoneofthegreatestsourcesofuncertaintyinourlives,soitisnotsurprisingthatmuchhumorisusedtomanageandmassagetheseencounters.TheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamaaremastersofusinghumortoconnectandjointogetherwhenmeetingothers.

Perhapsthatisoneofthereasonsthattheirtimetogetherwassofilledwithlaughter.Forallthejoytheyfeltbeingtogether,itwasanunprecedentedandnodoubtuncertainexperiencetomeetforaweektogetherinDharamsala.Theyhadmetonlyahalfdozentimesbefore,andthesewerelargelybriefandformaloccasions.Globalleadershavefullschedules,andtheirtimestogetherarehighlyscripted,soanopportunitytojustjokeandbethemselveswasexceedinglyrare.

“Whatdoyousaytopeople,”IaskedtheArchbishop,“whosaytheyarenotfunnyorthattheydonothaveagoodsenseofhumor?”

“Ireckontherearemanypeoplewhothinktheyhavetobesomberbecauseitgivesthemgravitas,andtheyfeeltheyaremorelikelytoberespectediftheyareserious.ButIbelieveveryferventlythatoneofthewaysofgettingintotheheartsofpeopleisthecapacityofmakingthemlaugh.Ifyouareabletolaughatyourself,theneveryoneknowsyou’renotpompous.Besides,youhardlyeverknockdownsomeonewhoisknockinghimselfdown.You’renotlikelytoclobbersomeoneifthey’vealready,asitwere,self-clobbered.

“Idon’tthinkIwokeupandprestoIwasfunny.Ithinkitissomethingthatyoucancultivate.Likeanythingelse,itisaskill.Yes,itdoeshelpifyouhavetheinclination,andespeciallyifyoucanlaughatyourself,solearntolaughatyourself.It’sreallytheeasiestplacetobegin.It’sabouthumility.Laughatyourselfanddon’tbesopompousandserious.Ifyoustartlookingforthehumorinlife,youwillfindit.Youwillstopasking,Whyme?andstartrecognizingthatlifehappenstoallofus.Itmakeseverythingeasier,includingyourabilitytoacceptothersandacceptallthatlifewillbring.”

W

4.Acceptance:TheOnlyPlaceWhere

ChangeCanBegin

henwehadvisitedtheTibetanChildren’sVillageinJanuary,wenoticedawalldisplayingaquotethattheDalaiLamareferenced

inthedialogues.ItwasatranslationofShantideva’sfamousquestionsthatHisHolinesshadmentioned,onlyinaslightlydifferenttranslation:“Whybeunhappyaboutsomethingifitcanberemedied?Andwhatistheuseofbeingunhappyifitcannotberemedied?”InthisshortteachingistheprofoundessenceoftheDalaiLama’sapproachtolife.Itwasattherootofhisstunningabilitytoaccepttherealityofhisexilewithout,astheArchbishopputit,beingmorose.

Oncewecanseelifeinitswiderperspective,onceweareabletoseeourroleinitsdramawithsomedegreeofhumility,andonceweareabletolaughatourselves,wethencometothefourthandfinalqualityofmind,whichistheabilitytoacceptourlifeinallitspain,imperfection,andbeauty.

Acceptance,itmustbepointedout,istheoppositeofresignationanddefeat.TheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamaaretwoofthemosttirelessactivistsforcreatingabetterworldforallofitsinhabitants,buttheiractivismcomesfromadeepacceptanceofwhatis.TheArchbishopdidnotaccepttheinevitabilityofapartheid,buthedidacceptitsreality.

“Wearemeanttoliveinjoy,”theArchbishopexplained.“Thisdoesnotmeanthatlifewillbeeasyorpainless.Itmeansthatwecanturnourfacestothewindandacceptthatthisisthestormwemustpassthrough.Wecannotsucceedbydenyingwhatexists.Theacceptanceofrealityistheonlyplacefromwhichchangecanbegin.”TheArchbishophadsaidthatwhenonegrowsinthespirituallife,“Youareabletoacceptanything

thathappenstoyou.”Youaccepttheinevitablefrustrationsandhardshipsaspartofthewarpandwoofoflife.Thequestion,hehadsaid,isnot:Howdoweescapeit?Thequestionis:Howcanweusethisassomethingpositive?

TheArchbishop’sprayerpracticeinvolvesreadingquotationsfromthescripturesaswellasquotesfromthesaintsandspiritualmastersthroughouthistory.OneofhisfavoritesistheChristianmysticJulianofNorwich,whoseRevelationsofDivineLove,pennedshortlyaftersherecoveredfromalife-threateningillnessin1373,isbelievedtobethefirstbookwrittenbyawomanintheEnglishlanguage.Init,shewrites,

...deedsaredonewhichappearsoeviltousandpeoplesuffersuchterribleevilsthatitdoesnotseemasthoughanygoodwillevercomeofthem;andweconsiderthis,sorrowingandgrievingoveritsothatwecannotfindpeaceintheblessedcontemplationofGodasweshoulddo;andthisiswhy:ourreasoningpowersaresoblindnow,sohumbleandsosimple,thatwecannotknowthehigh,marvelouswisdom,themightandthegoodnessoftheHolyTrinity.Andthisiswhathemeanswherehesays,“Youshallseeforyourselfthatallmannerofthingsshallbewell,”asifhesaid,Payattentiontothisnow,faithfullyandconfidently,andattheendoftimeyouwilltrulyseeitinthefullnessofjoy.

Acceptance—whetherwebelieveinGodornot—allowsustomoveintothefullnessofjoy.Itallowsustoengagewithlifeonitsowntermsratherthanrailagainstthefactthatlifeisnotaswewouldwish.Itallowsusnottostruggleagainsttheday-to-daycurrent.TheDalaiLamahadtoldusthatstressandanxietycomefromourexpectationsofhowlifeshouldbe.Whenweareabletoacceptthatlifeishowitis,notaswethinkitshouldbe,weareabletoeasetheride,togofromthatbumpyaxle(dukkha),withallitssuffering,stress,anxiety,anddissatisfaction,tothesmoothaxle(sukha),withitsgreaterease,comfort,andhappiness.

Somanyofthecausesofsufferingcomefromourreactingtothe

people,places,things,andcircumstancesinourlives,ratherthanacceptingthem.Whenwereact,westaylockedinjudgmentandcriticism,anxietyanddespair,evendenialandaddiction.Itisimpossibletoexperiencejoywhenwearestuckthisway.Acceptanceistheswordthatcutsthroughallofthisresistance,allowingustorelax,toseeclearly,andtorespondappropriately.

MuchoftraditionalBuddhistpracticeisdirectedtowardtheabilitytoseelifeaccurately,beyondalltheexpectations,projections,anddistortionsthatwetypicallybringtoit.Meditativepracticeallowsustoquietthedistractingthoughtsandfeelingssothatwecanperceivereality,andrespondtoitmoreskillfully.Theabilitytobepresentineachmomentisnothingmoreandnothinglessthantheabilitytoacceptthevulnerability,discomfort,andanxietyofeverydaylife.

“Withadeeperunderstandingofreality,”theDalaiLamahasexplained,“youcangobeyondappearancesandrelatetotheworldinamuchmoreappropriate,effective,andrealisticmanner.Ioftengivetheexampleofhowweshouldrelatetoourneighbors.Imaginethatyouarelivingnexttoadifficultneighbor.Youcanjudgeandcriticizethem.Youcanliveinanxietyanddespairthatyouwillneverhaveagoodrelationshipwiththem.Youcandenytheproblemorpretendthatyoudonothaveadifficultrelationshipwithyourneighbor.Noneoftheseisveryhelpful.

“Instead,youcanacceptthatyourrelationshipwithyourneighborisdifficultandthatyouwouldliketoimproveit.Youmayormaynotsucceed,butallyoucandoistry.Youcannotcontrolyourneighbor,butyoudohavesomecontroloveryourthoughtsandfeelings.Insteadofanger,insteadofhatred,insteadoffear,youcancultivatecompassionforthem,youcancultivatekindnesstowardthem,youcancultivatewarmheartednesstowardthem.Thisistheonlychancetoimprovetherelationship.Intime,maybetheywillbecomelessdifficult.Maybenot.Thisyoucannotcontrol,butyouwillhaveyourpeaceofmind.Youwillbeabletobejoyfulandhappywhetheryourneighborbecomeslessdifficultornot.”

WecomebacktothebeginningofourdiscussionandShantideva’s

questions.ThekindofacceptancethattheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopwereadvocatingisnotpassive.Itispowerful.Itdoesnotdenytheimportanceoftakinglifeseriouslyandworkinghardtochangewhatneedschanging,toredeemwhatneedsredemption.“Youmustnothatethosewhodoharmfulthings,”theDalaiLamahasexplained.“Thecompassionatethingistodowhatyoucantostopthem—fortheyareharmingthemselvesaswellasthosewhosufferfromtheiractions.”

OneofthekeyparadoxesinBuddhismisthatweneedgoalstobeinspired,togrow,andtodevelop,eventobecomeenlightened,butatthesametimewemustnotgetoverlyfixatedorattachedtotheseaspirations.Ifthegoalisnoble,yourcommitmenttothegoalshouldnotbecontingentonyourabilitytoattainit,andinpursuitofourgoal,wemustreleaseourrigidassumptionsabouthowwemustachieveit.Peaceandequanimitycomefromlettinggoofourattachmenttothegoalandthemethod.Thatistheessenceofacceptance.

Reflectingonthisseemingparadox,ofpursuingagoalyetwithnoattachmenttoitsoutcome,Jinpaexplainedtomethatthereisanimportantinsight.Thisisadeeprecognitionthatwhileeachofusshoulddoeverythingwecantorealizethegoalweseek,whetherornotwesucceedoftendependsonmanyfactorsbeyondourcontrol.Soourresponsibilityistopursuethegoalwithallthededicationwecanmuster,dothebestwecanbutnotbecomefixatedonapreconceivednotionofaresult.Sometimes,actuallyquiteoften,oureffortsleadtoanunexpectedoutcomethatmightevenbebetterthanwhatweoriginallyhadinmind.

IthoughtoftheArchbishop’scommentthatittakestimetobuildourspiritualcapacity.“It’slikemusclesthathavetobeexercisedinorderforthemtobestrengthened.Sometimeswegettooangrywithourselves,thinkingthatweoughttobeperfectfromthewordgo.ButthisbeingonEarthisatimeforustolearntobegood,tolearntobemoreloving,tolearntobemorecompassionate.Andyoulearn,nottheoretically.Youlearnwhensomethinghappensthattestsyou.”

Lifeisconstantlyunpredictable,uncontrollable,andoftenquitechallenging.EdithEvaEgerexplainedthatlifeinaconcentrationcampwasanendlessselectionlinewhereoneneverknewwhetheronewould

liveordie.Theonlythingthatkeptapersonalivewastheacceptanceoftherealityofone’sexistenceandtheattempttorespondasbestonecould.Curiosityaboutwhatwouldhappennext,evenwhenshewasleftfordeadinapileofbodies,wasoftenallshehadtopullherselfforwardtothenextbreath.Whenweacceptwhatishappeningnow,wecanbecuriousaboutwhatmighthappennext.

Acceptancewasthefinalpillarofthemind,anditledustothefirstpillaroftheheart:forgiveness.Whenweacceptthepresent,wecanforgiveandreleasethedesireforadifferentpast.

I

5.Forgiveness:FreeingOurselvesfromthe

Past

haveseenremarkableinstancesofforgivenesscarriedoutbypeoplewewouldnothavethoughtcouldpossiblydoit,”theArchbishopbegan.“In

oneinstanceduringtheTruthandReconciliationCommission,wehadmothersofsomeyoungpeoplewhohadbeenluredbythoseworkingwiththeapartheidsystemintoaboobytrapwheretheywerekilled.Oneofthemotherssaidsheswitchedonhertelevisionsetandsawthebodyofhersonbeingdragged.Andapartfromheranguishatthedeathofherson,therewasadeep,deepangerathisbodybeingtreatedasifitwerethecarcassofananimal.

“Youknow,whenthesemotherscametotheCommissiontheywerequiteamazing,really,becausenoonedemandedthattheyshouldforgivethesepeople—theycalledthemaskaris—whowereformerlymembersoftheAfricanNationalCongresswhothenturnedandsupportedthegovernmentforces.Theonewhobetrayedtheseyoungpeoplecameandappearedinfrontofthesemothersandaskedfortheirforgiveness.

“Whenthemotheroftheyoungmanwhohadbeendraggedthroughthestreetsawthetraitor,shetookoffhershoeandthrewitathim,”theArchbishopsaid,laughingandpretendingtothrowashoewithhislefthand.“Wehadtoadjournforalittlewhile,butthenduringthebreakcameatotallyfantasticmomentastheysatthere,andtheirspokespersonsaid...”TheArchbishopclosedhiseyes,rememberingtheunbelievablepowerofherwords,“‘Mychild’—shesaid‘mychild’tothisonewhohadbeenresponsibleforthedeathoftheirchildren.Shesaid,‘Mychild,weforgiveyou.’

“Whenweaskedheraboutthegrantingofamnesty,shesaid,‘Whatis

itgoingtohelpusifheweretogotoprison?Itwon’tbringbackourchildren.’Andthereisanincrediblekindofnobilityandstrength.Yes,it’sdifficult,butithashappened.WetalkedaboutNelsonMandela,buttherewerethesemothers,andmanyotherswhowerenothouseholdnames,whohadthismagnanimity.

“Inthisgroupofmothers,theonewhowasspeakingontheirbehalfgotupandwentacrosstheroomtothisguywhohadbeenresponsibleforthekillingoftheirsonsandembracedhimandsaid,‘mychild.’

“JustrecentlyIgotamessageaboutawhitewomannamedBeth,whowasbadlymaimedinabombattackbyoneoftheliberationmovementsandstillhadshrapnelinherbody.Manyofherfriendswerekilledandmanywerealsomaimed.Shehadtobehelpedbyherchildrentoeat,tobebathed.Bethwasjust...I’movercome...”TheArchbishophadtopauseforamoment.“Bethsaid...Bethsaid...abouttheperpetrator...Iforgivehim,andIhopeheforgivesme.”

ThentheArchbishoptoldthewell-knownstoryaboutoneofmycollegeclassmates,AmyBiehl,whohadgonedowntoSouthAfricaaftergraduatingfromuniversitytotrytohelp.Shewasbrutallykilledwhiledroppingoffoneofherfriendsinatownship.“HerparentscameallthewayfromCaliforniatoSouthAfricatosupportthegrantingofamnestytotheperpetratorswhohadbeensentencedtoheavytermsofimprisonment.Theysaid,‘WewanttobepartoftheprocessofhealinginSouthAfrica.Wearesurethatourdaughterwouldsupportusinsayingwewantamnestytobegrantedtothemurderers.’Andmorethanthis,theysetupafoundationintheirdaughter’snameandemployedthesemen,whohadmurderedtheirdaughter,intheprojecttohelpthepeopleofthattownship.

“NowIdon’tpretendthatcomeseasily,butwedohaveanobilityofspirit.We’vespokenofNelsonMandelaasanamazingiconofforgiveness,”theArchbishopsaid,“butyouandyouandyouandyouhavethepotentialtobeinstrumentsofincrediblecompassionandforgiveness.Wecannotsayofanyoneatallthattheyaretotallyunabletoforgive.Ithinkthatallofushavethelatentpotential,asHisHolinessispointingout,tobesorryfortheseotherswhoaredisfiguringtheir

humanityinthisway.Indeed,nooneisincapableofforgivingandnooneisunforgivable.”

“Iwanttomention,”theDalaiLamasaid,“oneofmyfriendsfromnorthernIreland,RichardMoore.Hisstoryisvery,verytouching.HewasagenineortenduringthetroublesinnorthernIreland,whenaBritishsoldiershothimwitharubberbulletashewasonhiswaytoschool.”TheDalaiLamawaspointingdirectlybetweentheeyeswheretherubberbullethadhit.“Hefainted,andwhenherecoveredhewasatthehospital,havinglostbothofhiseyes.Herealizedthathewouldnolongerbeabletoseehismother’sface.

“Hecontinuedstudyingandeventuallyhegotmarriedandhadtwogirls.ThenhefoundtheBritishsoldierwhoshothimintheheadsohecouldcommunicatehisforgiveness.Theybecameverygoodfriends,andononeoccasion,atmypersonalinvitation,theybothcametoDharamsala.IwantedRichardtosharehisdeeplymovingstoryofforgivenesswithTibetans,especiallythestudentsattheTibetanChildren’sVillage.InintroducingRichardMooretothestudentsandteachersthere,Imentionedthatheismyhero.

“ThenRichardinvitedmetovisitnorthernIreland,andwhenIsawhimwithhisfamilythere,Iteasedhim.‘Yourwifeisverybeautiful.Yourtwodaughtersarealsoverybeautiful.Butyoucan’tsee.Ican,soIcanenjoyseeingtheirbeauty.’Idescribehimasmyrealhero.That’sreallyahumanbeing.”

“YourHoliness,thisbringsustoaquestionfromaboynamedJack,whowrites,‘YourHoliness,Iwishyouahappyeightiethbirthdayfromthebottomofmyheart.Ihopethatyournextyearisfullofjoy,success,andmanygreatthings.Ihavetheutmostrespectforyouandyourpeopleandforyourundyingmessageofkindnessandforgiveness.YetIwonder,canyouforgiveChinaforalloftheharmandpaintheyhavecausedyouandyourpeople?Dotheydeserveit?Thankyou,YourHoliness,andhaveawonderfulbirthday.’”

TheDalaiLama’shandswerepressedtogetherasifinprayerashebegan,“Theotherday,Imentionedthe10thofMarch2008,whenspontaneousprotestsbeganinTibet.Ideliberatelytriedtokeep

compassionandasenseofconcernfortheChinesehard-liners.Itriedtotaketheiranger,theirfear,intomyselfandgivethemmylove,myforgiveness.Thisisourpracticeoftakingandgiving,oftonglen.

“Itwasreallyveryhelpfultokeepmymindcalm.Inourstruggle,wedeliberatelytrytostopourselvesfromdevelopingangerorhatred.OfcoursetheChineseareawonderfulpeople.Butevenforthehard-liners,theofficials,wedeliberatelytriedtokeepasenseofcompassion,senseofconcernfortheirwell-being.”

TheDalaiLamathenspokeinTibetanandJinpatranslated.“Generally,whenwespeakofcultivatingcompassionforsomeone,wearecultivatingcompassionforsomeonewhoisactuallyundergoingacutesufferingandpain.Butyoucanalsodevelopcompassionforsomeonewhomaynotbeexperiencingacutepainorsufferingrightnow,butwhoiscreatingtheconditionsfortheirownfuturesuffering.”

“Soyousee,”theDalaiLamacontinued,“thesepeoplearecommittingsuchnegativeactions,committingharmfulactsthatcreatelotofpainforothers.IntheChristiantradition,don’tyousaytheywillgotohell?”

TheArchbishopnodded,listening.“Inourviewalsothosepeoplewhoarecommittingatrocities,

includingmurder,arecreatingkarmathatbringsveryseriousnegativeconsequences.Sotherearemanyreasonstofeelasenseofrealconcernfortheirwell-being.Whenyouhaveasenseofconcernfortheirwell-being,thenthereisnoplaceforangerandhatredtogrow.

“Forgiveness,”theDalaiLamacontinued,“doesnotmeanweforget.Youshouldrememberthenegativething,butbecausethereisapossibilitytodevelophatred,wemustn’tallowourselvestobeledinthatdirection—wechooseforgiveness.”TheArchbishopwasalsoclearaboutthis:Forgivenessdoesnotmeanyouforgetwhatsomeonehasdone,contrarytothesaying“Forgiveandforget.”Notreactingwithnegativity,orgivingintothenegativeemotions,doesnotmeanyoudonotrespondtotheactsorthatyouallowyourselftobeharmedagain.Forgivenessdoesnotmeanthatyoudonotseekjusticeorthattheperpetratorisnotpunished.

TheDalaiLamahaschosennottoreactoutofangerandhatred,but

thatisn’ttosayhewon’tspeakoutagainsttheChineseoccupationandwhattheyaredoinginsideTibetuntiltheTibetanpeoplecanlivewithdignityandfreedom.

“Iwouldliketoadd,”theDalaiLamasaid,“thatthereisanimportantdistinctionbetweenforgivenessandsimplyallowingothers’wrongdoing.Sometimespeoplemisunderstandandthinkforgivenessmeansyouacceptorapproveofwrongdoing.No,thisisnotthecase.Wemustmakeanimportantdistinction.”TheDalaiLamawasspeakingemphatically,strikingonehandagainsttheother.“Theactorandaction,orthepersonandwhathehasdone.Wherethewrongactionisconcerned,itmaybenecessarytotakeappropriatecounteractiontostopit.Towardtheactor,ortheperson,however,youcanchoosenottodevelopangerandhatred.Thisiswherethepowerofforgivenesslies—notlosingsightofthehumanityofthepersonwhilerespondingtothewrongwithclarityandfirmness.

“Westandfirmagainstthewrongnotonlytoprotectthosewhoarebeingharmedbutalsotoprotectthepersonwhoisharmingothers,becauseeventuallythey,too,willsuffer.Soit’soutofasenseofconcernfortheirownlong-termwell-beingthatwestoptheirwrongdoing.Thisisexactlywhatwearedoing.WedonotletangerandnegativefeelingsdeveloptowardtheChinesehard-liners,butinthemeantimewestronglyopposetheiractions.”

“Forgiveness,”theArchbishopadded,“istheonlywaytohealourselvesandtobefreefromthepast.”AsheandMphoexplainedinTheBookofForgiving,“Withoutforgiveness,weremaintetheredtothepersonwhoharmedus.Weareboundtothechainsofbitterness,tiedtogether,trapped.Untilwecanforgivethepersonwhoharmedus,thatpersonwillholdthekeystoourhappiness,thatpersonwillbeourjailor.Whenweforgive,wetakebackcontrolofourownfateandourfeelings.Webecomeourownliberator.”

“Sowhatdoyousaytopeople,”IaskedtheDalaiLama,“whosaythatforgivenessseemslikeweakness,andrevengeseemslikestrength?”

“Therearecertainpeoplewhoactoutoftheanimalmind.Whensomeonehitsthem,theywanttohitback,retaliate.”TheDalaiLama

madeafistandpretendedtohithimself.“Withourhumanbrain,wecanthink,IfIhitback,whatusewillitbeintheshort-termorinthelong-term?

“Wecanalsorealizethatobviouslynobodywasborntobecruel,toharmus,butbecauseofcertaincircumstances,nowheorshedislikesme,sohitsme.Perhapsmybehavior,orattitude,orevenmyfacialexpressioncontributedtothispersonbecomingmyenemy.SoIwasalsoinvolved.Whoistoblame?Sosittingandthinkingofthedifferentcausesandconditions,thenyouseethatifwearereallyangrywemustbeangrytowardthecausesandconditions—ultimatelytheiranger,theirignorance,theirshort-sightedness,theirnarrow-mindedness.Sothatbringsasenseofconcern,andwecanfeelsorryforthesepeople.

“Soitistotallywrong,”hesaidemphatically,cuttinghishandsharplythroughtheair,“tosaythatpracticeoftoleranceandpracticeofforgivenessaresignsofweakness.Totallywrong.Hundredpercentwrong.Thousandpercentwrong.Forgivenessisasignofstrength.Isn’tit?”theDalaiLamasaid,turningtotheArchbishop.

“Absolutely,yes,”theArchbishopsaidwithalaugh.“Iwasjustgoingtosaythatthosewhosayforgivingisasignofweaknesshaven’ttriedit.

“Thenaturalresponsewhensomeonehitsyou,”theArchbishopsaid,“iswantingtohitback.Butwhydoweadmirepeoplewhodon’tchooserevenge?Itisourrecognitionofthefactthat,yes,therearethosewhothinkaneyeforaneyeisgoingtosatisfyyou.Butintheendyoudiscoverthataneyeforaneyewillleavethewholeworldblind.Wehaveaninstinctforrevengebutalsoforforgiveness.”

Indeed,itseemslikehumansevolvedwithbothimpulsesandbothcapacities,forrevengeandforforgiveness.WhenpsychologistsMartinDalyandMargoWilsonstudiedsixtydifferentculturesaroundtheworld,theyfoundthat95percenthadsomeformofbloodrevenge.WhenpsychologistMichaelMcCulloughlookedatthesamecultures,hefoundthat93percentofthemalsodisplayedsomeexamplesofforgivenessorreconciliation.Forgivenessmayactuallybesocommonthatitistakenforgrantedintheother7percent.

PrimatologistFransdeWaalbelievesthatsuchpeace-making

activitiesareextremelycommonintheanimalkingdom.Chimpskissandmakeup,anditseemsthatmanyotherspeciesdoaswell.Notonlyapeslikeusbutalsosheep,goats,hyenas,anddolphins.Ofthespeciesthathavebeenstudied,onlydomesticcatshavefailedtoshowbehaviorthatreconcilesrelationshipsafterconflict.(Thisfindingwillnotsurpriseanyonewhohascats.)

InTheBookofForgiving,theArchbishopandMphooutlinetwocycles:thecycleofrevengeandthecycleofforgiveness.Whenahurtorharmhappens,wecanchoosetohurtbackortoheal.Ifwechoosetoretaliate,orpayback,thecycleofrevengeandharmcontinuesendlessly,butifwechoosetoforgive,webreakthecycleandwecanheal,renewingorreleasingtherelationship.

Unforgivenessleadstoongoingfeelingsofresentment,anger,hostility,andhatredthatcanbeextremelydestructive.Evenshortburstsofitcanhavesignificantphysicaleffects.Inonestudy,psychologistCharlottevanOyenWitvlietaskedpeopletothinkaboutsomeonewhohadhurt,mistreated,oroffendedthem.Shemonitoredtheirheartrate,facialmuscles,andsweatglands.

Whenpeoplerememberedtheirgrudges,theyhadastressresponse—theirbloodpressureandheartrateincreasedandtheybegantosweat.Theyfeltsad,angry,intense,andlessincontrol.Whentheywereaskedtoempathizewiththeiroffendersandtoimagineforgivingthem,theirstressresponsesreturnedtonormal.Associalanimals,itisverystressfulforus,andforthewholegroup,whenthereisruptureintherelationshipsthatbindustogether.

Inareviewoftheresearchonforgivenessandhealth,EverettL.WorthingtonJr.andMichaelSchererfoundthatunforgivenessseemstocompromisetheimmunesysteminanumberofways,includingdisruptingtheproductionofimportanthormonesandthewaythatourcellsfightoffinfections.

•••

Iwanttojustcomebacktoyou,Archbishop,forourfinalquestionbeforetea,”Isaid.“Oftenthepeoplethatwehavethehardesttimeforgiving

arethepeoplewhoareclosesttous.”“Yes,yes.”“Youhavetoldmethatforgivingyourfatherforsomeofthethings

thathedidtoyourmotherwasverydifficultforyouandverypainfulforyou.AndIwonder,ifhewereherewithus,howyouwouldtellhimhowthataffectedyou,andhowyouwouldtellhimthatyouforgavehim.Whatwouldyousay?”

“Well,IwouldcertainlytellhimthatIwasdeeplyhurtbyhowhetreatedmymotherwhenhewasdrunk.”TheArchbishopthenclosedhiseyesandspokeveryquietlyandslowlyashetraveledbackintime.“Iwasveryangrywithmyselfforbeingtoosmalltobeathimup.Imean,whenhewassober,hewasawonderfulperson.Butmymotherwas—Ijustadoredmymother—shewasjustsuchanincrediblehumanbeing,averygentleperson.Andthatjustmadeitworse.Andtherewasasontoosmalltointervenewhenshewasbeingroughedup.

“IshouldtellyouonegreatregretIhave.WeusedtotakethechildrentoboardingschoolinSwaziland,aboutthreehundredmileseachway,andwewouldovernightonthewayatourparents’becausetherewerenomotelswhereblackscouldstay.

“OnthisparticulartimewhenwewerereturningfromSwaziland,weweregoingtoputupatLeah’shomewithhermother,whichwasnotinthesametownshipwheremyparentslived.Wehadcometosaygoodnightandgoodbyetomyparents,becauseweweregoingtoleaveearlytogodowntotheCape,whereIwasworking.Andonthisparticularoccasion,Iwasdeadexhaustedwhenmyfathersaidhewantedtotalktome.Therewassomethinghewantedtotellme.

“IwastootiredandIwasheadachyandIsaid,‘No.Canwetalktomorrow?’AndwelefttogotoLeah’shome.And,assometimeshappensonlyinnovels,wewereawokenearlyinthemorningbymyniecetellingusthatmyfatherhaddiedthepreviousevening.Andso,I’veneverknownwhatitwashewantedtotellme.Ihaveaverydeepregret.I

sometimesshedatearortwo.Ihopeitwasthatmaybehehadapremonitionofhisdeathandwantedtosayhowsorryhewasforthetreatmentthathehadmetedouttomymother.

“Andso,Iregretthat...Icanonlysay,Ihopeherestsinpeace.IhavetoacceptthatImissedanopportunity...whichwasnottocomeback.

“Noneofusactuallyeverknowswhenitisgoingtobethatmomentwhensomethingquitecrucialmightinfactbegoingtohappenandweturnourbackonit.Andyes,Itrytoassuagemyguilt,butitcan’tgoawaycompletely.

“Thefactishehadtakentheinitiative,andwhateverjustificationIhad,it’saninitiativethatIspurned.Anditisaburdenonmyheartandmyspirit.AndIcanonlyhopethat,hewillhaveforgivenme...yah...”

Wesatinsilenceforseverallongminutes,justbeingwiththeArchbishopinhisgriefandregret.Hestaredoff,hiseyeswet,rememberinghisfather.Heclosedhiseyes,perhapssayingaprayer.Itfeltlikewewereinprayertogether,receivingandholdinguphisgriefandloss.

TheDalaiLamawasthefirstonetospeak,asheturnedfinallytoJinpaandspokeinTibetan.

“He’ssaying,Archbishop,thatyouspokeabouthowwonderfulyourfatherwaswhenhewassober,”Jinpasaid,translatingfortheDalaiLama.“Itwasonlywhenhewasdrunkthatthesethingshappened.Soit’sthealcoholthatistoblame,really.”

“So,”theDalaiLamanowadded,“Ithinkevenheisavery,verykindpersonandwhenhewasdrunk,heisnottherealperson.”

“Thankyou,”saidtheArchbishop.

E

6.Gratitude:IAmFortunatetoBeAlive

veryday,thinkasyouwakeup,‘Iamfortunatetobealive.Ihaveaprecioushumanlife.Iamnotgoingtowasteit,’”theDalaiLama

hasoftensaid.Thetopicwasgratitude,anditwasfascinatingtoseehowoftentheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamastoppedtoexpresstheirgratitudeforeachother,forallwhoweremakingtheirtimetogetherpossible,andforeachandeverythingthattheywerewitnessing.IhadnoticedhowtheArchbishopgreetsalmosteverynewexperiencewiththewordwonderful,anditisindeedthatabilitytoseewonder,surprise,possibilityineachexperienceandeachencounterthatisacoreaspectofjoy.

“Youcanbehelpedtolookattheworldandseeadifferentperspective,”theArchbishopsaid.“Wheresomepeopleseeahalf-emptycup,youcanseeitashalf-full.Perhapspeoplewillbemovedtoseethattherearevery,very,verymanypeopleintheworldtodaywhowillnothavehadthekindofbreakfastthatyouhad.Many,manymillionsintheworldtodayarehungry.It’snotyourfault,butyouwokeupfromawarmbed,youwereabletohaveashower,youputoncleanclothes,andyouwereinahomethatiswarminthewinter.Nowjustthinkofthemanywhoarerefugeeswhowakeupinthemorning,andthere’snotverymuchprotectionforthemagainsttherainthatispeltingdown.Perhapsthereisnowarmthorfoodorevenjustwater.Itistosayinaway,yes,itistosayreally,youdowanttocountyourblessings.”

NeithertheArchbishopnortheDalaiLamaspentagreatdealoftimetalkingaboutenjoyment,perhapsbecausebothoftheirtraditionsareskepticaloffindinglastinghappinessthroughsensualindulgence,butIhadbeenhappytofindthatneitherofthemwasopposedtothepleasurespermittedintheirspirituallives,whetherTibetanricepuddingorrum

raisinicecream.Gratitudeistheelevationofenjoyment,theennoblingofenjoyment.GratitudeisoneofthekeydimensionsthatEkmanlistsinhisdefinitionofjoy.

Gratitudeistherecognitionofallthatholdsusintheweboflifeandallthathasmadeitpossibletohavethelifethatwehaveandthemomentthatweareexperiencing.Thanksgivingisanaturalresponsetolifeandmaybetheonlywaytosavorit.BothChristianandBuddhisttraditions,perhapsallspiritualtraditions,recognizetheimportanceofgratefulness.Itallowsustoshiftourperspective,astheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopcounseled,towardallwehavebeengivenandallthatwehave.Itmovesusawayfromthenarrow-mindedfocusonfaultandlackandtothewiderperspectiveofbenefitandabundance.

BrotherDavidSteindl-Rast,aCatholicBenedictinemonkandscholarwhospentagreatdealoftimeinChristian–Buddhistinterfaithdialogue,hasexplained,“Itisnothappinessthatmakesusgrateful.Itisgratefulnessthatmakesushappy.Everymomentisagift.Thereisnocertaintythatyouwillhaveanothermoment,withalltheopportunitythatitcontains.Thegiftwithineverygiftistheopportunityitoffersus.Mostoftenitistheopportunitytoenjoyit,butsometimesadifficultgiftisgiventousandthatcanbeanopportunitytorisetothechallenge.”

TheDalaiLama’sabilitytobegratefulfortheopportunitiesthatexisteveninexilewasaprofoundshiftinperspective,allowinghimnotonlytoaccepttherealityofhiscircumstancesbutalsotoseetheopportunityineveryexperience.Acceptancemeansnotfightingreality.Gratitudemeansembracingreality.Itmeansmovingfromcountingyourburdenstocountingyourblessings,astheArchbishophadrecommended,bothasanantidotetoenvyandarecipeforappreciatingourownlives.

“Ihavebeenabletomeetmanyspiritualleaderslikeyou,”theDalaiLamasaid,whentheArchbishophadbeenawedbyhisabilitytofindgratitudeeveninfiftyyearsoflossforhimselfandhispeople.“Itismuchmoreenriching,muchmoreuseful.Evensufferinghelpsyoutodevelopempathyandcompassionforothers.

“Exilereallyhasbroughtmeclosertoreality.Whenyouareindifficultsituations,thereisnoroomforpretense.Inadversityortragedy,

youmustconfrontrealityasitis.Whenyouarerefugee,whenyouhavelostyourland,youcannotpretendorhidebehindyourrole.Whenyouareconfrontedwiththerealityofsuffering,alloflifeislaidbare.Evenakingwhenheissufferingcannotpretendtobesomethingspecial.Heisjustonehumanbeing,suffering,likeallotherpeople.”

InBuddhism,onecanbegratefulevenforone’senemies,“ourmostpreciousspiritualteachers,”astheyareoftencalled,becausetheyhelpusdevelopourspiritualpracticeandtocultivateequanimityeveninthefaceofadversity.TheDalaiLama’sstoryabouthisfriendwhofearedlosinghiscompassionforhistorturersintheChinesegulagwasapoignantexample.

TheArchbishophaddescribedearlierintheweekhowNelsonMandelahadbeentransformedwhilehewasinprison.Mandelaandhisfellowpoliticalprisonershadusedtheirtimetodeveloptheirmindandtheircharactersothattheywouldsomedaybereadytorulethecountry.Theyhadseenitasaninformaluniversity.TheseprisonstoriesremindedmeofaformerinmateI’vehadtheprivilegeofknowing.

AnthonyRayHintonspentthirtyyearsondeathrowforacrimehedidnotcommit.Hewasworkinginalockedfactoryatthetimeofthecrimethathewasbeingaccusedof.WhenhewasarrestedinthestateofAlabamaintheUnitedStates,hewastoldbythepoliceofficersthathewouldbegoingtojailbecausehewasblack.Hespentthirtyyearsinafive-by-seven-footcellinsolitaryconfinement,allowedoutonlyonehouraday.Duringhistimeondeathrow,Hintonbecameacounselorandfriendnotonlytotheotherinmates,fifty-fourofwhomwereputtodeath,buttothedeathrowguards,manyofwhombeggedHinton’sattorneytogethimout.

WhenaunanimousSupremeCourtrulingorderedhisrelease,hewasfinallyabletowalkfree.“Onedoesnotknowthevalueoffreedomuntilonehasittakenaway,”hetoldme.“Peoplerunoutoftherain.Irunintotherain.Howcananythingthatfallsfromheavennotbeprecious?Havingmissedtherainforsomanyyears,Iamsogratefulforeverydrop.Justtofeelitonmyface.”

WhenHintonwasinterviewedontheAmericantelevisionshow60

Minutes,theintervieweraskedwhetherhewasangryatthosewhohadputhiminjail.Herespondedthathehadforgivenallthepeoplewhohadsenthimtojail.Theinterviewerincredulouslyasked,“Buttheytookthirtyyearsofyourlife—howcanyounotbeangry?”

Hintonresponded,“IfI’mangryandunforgiving,theywillhavetakentherestofmylife.”

Unforgivenessrobsusofourabilitytoenjoyandappreciateourlife,becausewearetrappedinapastfilledwithangerandbitterness.Forgivenessallowsustomovebeyondthepastandappreciatethepresent,includingthedropsofrainfallingonourface.

“Whateverlifegivestoyou,”BrotherSteindl-Rastexplains,“youcanrespondwithjoy.Joyisthehappinessthatdoesnotdependonwhathappens.Itisthegratefulresponsetotheopportunitythatlifeoffersyouatthismoment.”

Hintonisapowerfulexampleoftheabilitytorespondwithjoydespitethemosthorrendouscircumstances.AsweweredrivinginataxiinNewYork,hetoldme,“Theworlddidn’tgiveyouyourjoy,andtheworldcan’ttakeitaway.Youcanletpeoplecomeintoyourlifeanddestroyit,butIrefusedtoletanyonetakemyjoy.Igetupinthemorning,andIdon’tneedanyonetomakemelaugh.Iamgoingtolaughonmyown,becauseIhavebeenblessedtoseeanotherday,andwhenyouareblessedtoseeanotherdaythatshouldautomaticallygiveyoujoy.

“Idon’twalkaroundsaying,‘Man,Iain’tgotadollarinmypocket.’Idon’tcareabouthavingadollarinmypocket,whatIcareaboutisthatIhavebeenblessedtoseethesunrise.Doyouknowhowmanypeoplehadmoneybutdidn’tgetupthismorning?So,whichisbetter—tohaveabilliondollarsandnotwakeup,ortobebrokeandwakeup?I’lltakebeingbrokeandwakingupanydayoftheweek.ItoldtheCNNinterviewerinJunethatIhadthreedollarsandfiftycentsinmypocketandforsomereasonthatdayIwasjustthehappiestIhaveeverbeen.Shesaid,‘Withthreedollarsandfiftycents?’Isaid,‘Youknow,mymomneverraisedustogetoutthereandmakeasmuchmoneyaswecan.Mymomtoldusabouttruehappiness.Shetoldusthatwhenyouarehappy,thenwhenfolkshangaroundyoutheybecomehappy.’

W

R

“Ijustlookatallthepeoplewhohavesomuchbuttheyarenothappy.Yes,Ididthirtylongyears,dayforday,inafivebyseven,andyouhavegotsomepeoplethathaveneverbeentoprison,neverspentonedayoronehouroroneminute,buttheyarenothappy.Iaskmyself,‘Whyisthat?’Ican’ttellyouwhytheyarenothappy,butIcantellyouthatI’mhappybecauseIchoosetobehappy.”

•••

henyouaregrateful,”BrotherSteindl-Rastexplained,“youarenotfearful,andwhenyouarenotfearful,youarenotviolent.When

youaregrateful,youactoutofasenseofenoughandnotoutofasenseofscarcity,andyouarewillingtoshare.Ifyouaregrateful,youareenjoyingthedifferencesbetweenpeopleandrespectfultoallpeople.Agratefulworldisaworldofjoyfulpeople.Gratefulpeoplearejoyfulpeople.Agratefulworldisahappyworld.”

Gratitudeconnectsusall.Whenwearegratefulforameal,wecanbegratefulforthefoodthatweareeatingandforallofthosewhohavemadethemealpossible—thefarmers,thegrocers,andthecooks.WhentheArchbishopgivesthanks,weareoftentakenonajourneyofUbuntu,acknowledgingalloftheconnectionsthatbindustogetherandonwhichwearealldependent.TheEucharistthattheArchbishopgavetotheDalaiLamaliterallycomesfromtheGreekwordthanksgiving,andsayinggraceorgivingthanksforwhatwehavebeengivenisanimportantpracticeintheJudeo-Christiantradition.

•••

ejoicingisoneofthe“sevenlimbs”thatarepartofthedailyspiritualpracticeintheIndianandTibetanBuddhisttraditions.

Whenwerejoice,wecelebrateourgoodfortuneandthegoodfortuneofothers.Wecelebrateourgooddeedsandthegooddeedsofothers.Byrejoicing,youaremuchlesslikelytotakelifeforgrantedandcanaffirmandappreciateallthatyouhaveandhavedone.Jinpatoldmethereisa

famouspassagefromTsongkhapa,thefourteenth-centuryTibetanmasterwhosethoughtsandwritingswereanimportantpartoftheDalaiLama’sformaleducation.“It’staughtthatthebestwaytocreategoodkarmawiththeleastamountofeffortistorejoiceinyourgooddeedsandthoseofothers.”Rejoicingpredisposesustorepeatthosegooddeedsinthefuture.

Scientistshavelongknownthatourbrainshaveevolvedwithanegativebias.Itwasnodoubtadvantageousforoursurvivaltofocusonwhatwaswrongordangerous.Gratitudecutsacrossthisdefaultmodeofthemind.Itallowsustoseewhatisgoodandrightandnotjustwhatisbadandwrong.

Perhapsbecauseofthisbias,peopleareoftenskepticalofgratitudeandwonderifitisanaivepointofvieworwillleadtocomplacencyoreveninjustice.Ifwearegratefulforwhatis,willwebelesslikelytoworkforwhatstillneedstobe?IftheDalaiLamaisabletofindthingsinhisexilethatheisgratefulfor,willhebelesswillingtostanduptotheChineseoccupationofTibet?

UCDavisProfessorRobertEmmonshasbeenstudyinggratitudeforoveradecade.InonestudywithhiscolleaguesMichaelMcCulloughandJo-AnnTsang,theyfoundthatgratefulpeopledonotseemtoignoreordenythenegativeaspectsoflife;theysimplychoosetoappreciatewhatispositiveaswell:“Peoplewithastrongdispositiontowardgratitudehavethecapacitytobeempathicandtotaketheperspectiveofothers.Theyareratedasmoregenerousandmorehelpfulbypeopleintheirsocialnetworks.”Theyarealsomorelikelytohavehelpedsomeonewithapersonalproblemortohaveofferedemotionalsupporttoothers.

EmmonsandMcCulloughhavealsofoundthatpeoplewhofocusongratitude,bykeepingalistofwhattheyweregratefulfor,exercisedmoreoften,hadfewerphysicalsymptoms,feltbetterabouttheirlives,andweremorepositiveabouttheweekaheadcomparedtothosewhorecordedhasslesorneutrallifeevents.Similarly,thosewhofocusedongratitudeweremorelikelytohavemadeprogresstowardtheirimportantpersonalgoals.Soitseemsgratitudeismotivating,notdemotivating.Gratefulpeoplereportmorepositiveemotions,morevitalityandoptimism,andgreaterlifesatisfactionaswellaslowerlevelsofstress

anddepression.Gratitudemaystimulatethehypothalamus,whichisinvolvedin

regulatingstressinthebrain,aswellastheventraltegmentalregion,whichispartoftherewardcircuitsthatproducepleasureinthebrain.Researchhasshownthatthesimpleactofsmilingforaslittleastwentysecondscantriggerpositiveemotions,jump-startingjoyandhappiness.Smilingstimulatesthereleaseofneuropeptidesthatworktowardfightingoffstressandunleashesafeel-goodcocktailoftheneurotransmittersserotonin,dopamine,andendorphins.Serotoninactsasanaturalantidepressant,dopaminestimulatestherewardcentersofthebrain,andendorphinsarenaturalpainkillers.Smilingalsoseemstorewardthebrainsofthosewhoseeussmilingmakingthemfeelbetter,too.Smilingiscontagious,stimulatingunconscioussmilinginothers,whichinturnspreadsthepositiveeffects.DidtheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopsmilebecausetheywerehappy,orweretheyhappybecausetheysmiled?ItsoundedalittlelikeaZenkoan.Likely,bothweretrue.Whetherwefrownindispleasureorsmileinappreciation,wehaveenormouspoweroverouremotionsandourexperienceoflife.

Impermanence,theDalaiLamaremindsus,isthenatureoflife.Allthingsareslippingaway,andthereisarealdangerofwastingourprecioushumanlife.Gratitudehelpsuscatalog,celebrate,andrejoiceineachdayandeachmomentbeforetheyslipthroughthevanishinghourglassofexperience.

PerhapsitwasnosurprisetoSonjaLyubomirskythatgratitudeisafactorthatseemstoinfluencehappinessalongwithourabilitytoreframenegativeeventsintopositiveones.Thefinalfactorshefoundwasourabilitytobekindandgeneroustowardothers,whichtheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopsawastwoseparatebutrelatedpillars:compassionandgenerosity.Whenwerecognizeallthatwehavebeengiven,itisournaturalresponsetowanttocareforandgivetoothers.

T

7.Compassion:SomethingWeWantto

Become

oomuchself-centeredthinkingisthesourceofsuffering.Acompassionateconcernforothers’well-beingisthesourceof

happiness,”theDalaiLamahadsaidearlierintheweek.Hewasnowrubbinghishandstogetherinthoughtaswereturnedtothetopicofcompassion.“Onthisplanet,overthelastthreethousandyears,differentreligioustraditionsdeveloped.Allthesetraditionscarrythesamemessage:themessageoflove.Sothepurposeofthesedifferenttraditionsistopromoteandstrengthenthevalueoflove,compassion.Sodifferentmedicine,butsameaim:tocureourpain,ourillness.Aswementioned,evenscientistsnowsaybasichumannatureiscompassionate.”BothheandtheArchbishophademphasizedthatthiscompassionateconcernforothersisinstinctualandthatwearehardwiredtoconnectandtocare.However,astheArchbishopexplainedearlierintheweek,“Ittakestime.Wearegrowingandlearninghowtobecompassionate,howtobecaring,howtobehuman.”TheBuddhasupposedlysaid,“Whatisthatonething,whichwhenyoupossess,youhaveallothervirtues?Itiscompassion.”

Itisworthtakingamomenttothinkaboutwhatcompassionreallymeans,sinceitisatermthatisoftenmisunderstood.Jinpa,withthehelpofcolleagues,createdtheCompassionCultivationTrainingattheCenterforCompassionandAltruismResearchandEducationatStanfordUniversitySchoolofMedicine.InhismarvelousbookAFearlessHeart:HowtheCouragetoBeCompassionateCanTransformOurLives,heexplains:“Compassionisasenseofconcernthatariseswhenweareconfrontedwithanother’ssufferingandfeelmotivatedtoseethatsufferingrelieved.”Headds,“Compassioniswhatconnectsthefeelingof

empathytoactsofkindness,generosity,andotherexpressionsofaltruistictendencies.”TheBiblicalHebrewwordforcompassion,rachamim,comesfromtherootwordforwomb,rechem,andtheDalaiLamaoftensaysthatitisfromourmother’snurturingthatwelearncompassion.Healsosaysthathismotherwashisfirstteacherofcompassion.Itisfrombeingnurtured,andinturnnurturingourownchildren,thatwediscoverthenatureofcompassion.Compassionisinmanywaysexpandingthismaternalinstinctthatwassopivotaltothesurvivalofourspecies.

TheDalaiLamatellsastoryofflyingonenightfromJapantoSanFrancisco.Sittingclosetohimwasacouplewithtwochildren,averyactiveboyofaroundthreeyearsoldandababy.Atthebeginning,itseemedthefatherwashelpingtolookafterthechildren,oftenwalkingaboutwiththeyoungboy,whokeptrunningthroughtheaisles.InthemiddleofthenighttheDalaiLamalookedoverandsawthatthefatherwasfastasleepandthemotherwaslefttryingtotakecareofthetwotiredandcrankychildrenbyherself.TheDalaiLamahandedtheboyapieceofcandy,ashenoticedthemother’sswolleneyesandexhaustion.“Seriously,”hesaidlater.“Ithoughtaboutit,andIdon’tthinkIwouldhavehadthatkindofpatience.”TheDalaiLama’scommentechoedatopicIhavediscussedwithquiteafewreligiousseekersandparents:Itprobablytakesmanyyearsofmonasticpracticetoequalthespiritualgrowthgeneratedbyonesleeplessnightwithasickchild.

WhileweallcarrywhattheDalaiLamacallsthe“seedofcompassion”fromourownexperienceofbeingnurturedbyothers,compassionisactuallyaskillthatcanbecultivated.Itissomethingthatwecanlearntodevelopandthenusetoextendourcircleofconcernbeyondourimmediatefamilytoothers.Ithelpswhenonerecognizesoursharedhumanity.

“Archbishop,YourHoliness,overthecourseoftheweek,youhavetalkedsomuchaboutcompassionthatIthoughtwemightneedtorenameyourcollaborationTheBookofCompassion.Inthissession,Ihopewecanexplorecompassionevenmoredeeply.Whileeveryoneagreesthatbeingcompassionateisaworthygoal,itishardformanypeopleto

understandortoputintopractice.Thewordcompassion,aswehavesaid,literallymeans‘sufferingwith.’Sowhatwouldyousaytothepersonwhosays,‘Ihaveenoughproblemsofmyown.WhyshouldIworryaboutbeingmorecompassionateandthinkaboutotherswhoaresuffering?’”

“Aswehavediscussed,”theDalaiLamabegan,“wearesocialanimals.Evenforkingsorqueensorspiritualleaders,theirsurvivaldependsontherestofthecommunity.Sotherefore,ifyouwantahappylifeandfewerproblems,youhavetodevelopaseriousconcernforthewell-beingofothers.Sothenwhensomeoneispassingthroughadifficultperiodordifficultcircumstances,thenautomaticallywillcomeasenseofconcernfortheirwell-being.Andifthereisthepossibilitytohelp,thenyoucanhelp.Ifthereisnopossibilitytohelp,youcanjustprayorwishthemwell.

“Evenothersocialanimalshavethissameconcernforeachother.IthinktheotherdayIalsomentionedhowscientistshavefoundthatwhentwomicearetogether,ifoneisinjured,theotherwilllickit.Theinjuredmousethatisbeinglickedbyanothermousewillhealmuchfasterthanamousethatisalone.

“Thisconcernforothersissomethingveryprecious.Wehumanshaveaspecialbrain,butthisbraincausesalotofsufferingbecauseitisalwaysthinkingme,me,me,me.Themoretimeyouspendthinkingaboutyourself,themoresufferingyouwillexperience.Theincrediblethingisthatwhenwethinkofalleviatingotherpeople’ssuffering,ourownsufferingisreduced.Thisisthetruesecrettohappiness.Sothisisaverypracticalthing.Infact,itiscommonsense.”

“Sowillthemousethatdoesthelickingbenefitaswell?”Iasked.TheDalaiLamaspokeinTibetan,andJinpatranslated:“Onecould

arguethatthemousedoingthelickingisbetteroff,andisalsoinacalmerstateofmind.”

TheArchbishoplaughedatallofthisdiscussionofmiceandtheneedforscientificjustificationsforwhat,tohim,wassoobviouslyattheverycoreofourhumanity.“Iwouldsaythatoneofthewaystoshowthatcompassionissomethingwewanttobecomeistheveryfactthatweadmirecompassionatepeople.Youknow,youdon’t—very,veryfewof

us—admireavengefulperson.WhydotheycometolistentotheDalaiLama?

“Itisverylargelybecauseofwhohehasbecome.Theyareattractedtohimbecauseofhisspiritualstature.Astaturethathasbeencreatedbythefactofhiscaringforothers,eveninthemidstofhisownsuffering,thesufferingofbeinginexile.”

“Still,Archbishop,thequestionformanypeopleisthattheyhavesomanyoftheirownproblems.Theymayadmirebothofyouandsay,‘Wellthat’swonderful,they’reincrediblyholymen.ButI’vegottofeedmychildren.’And‘Ihavetodomyjob.’And‘Idon’thaveenoughmoney.’Ortheysay,‘IfIamcompassionateotherswilltakeadvantageofme,becauseit’sadog-eat-dogworld.’Sowhyiscompassionintheirself-interest,howdoesithelptherestoftheirgoalsinlife?”

“Yes,Iwouldhopetheywouldtryitout,becauseit’sverydifficultjustspeakingaboutittheoretically.It’ssomethingthatyouhavetoworkoutinactuallife.Tryoutbeingkindwhenyouarewalkinginthestreetandsaygoodmorningtothepeopleyouarepassing,orsmile,whenyouarenotfeelinglikeit.Ibetyoumybottomdollar,inaveryshortperiodoftimethispallofself-regard,whichisabadself-regard,lifts.It’suniversal.Whenyoutryitout,whydoesitwork?Wereallyarewiredtobecaringoftheother.Andwhenwegoagainstthatfundamentallawofourbeing,whetherwelikeitornot,itisgoingtohavedeleteriousconsequencesforus.

“Whenyousay,‘I,I,I,I,I,’asHisHolinesspointedout,youaregoingtocomeacropper.Butwhenyousay,‘HowcanIhelp?’eveninthemidstofyourdeepanguish,it’sgotanalchemythattransformsyourpain.Itmaynottakeitaway.Butitbecomesinawaybearable,morethanitwasatthetimewhenyouwerejustsaying‘poorme,’thinkingonlyaboutyourself.

“Whenyourdoorbellrings,andyou’regoingtoopenit,asaChristian,Iwouldmakethesignofacrossoverwhoeveritiswhoisthere,whichisjusttosayletthembeblessed.Theymaynotbeindesperateneedofanything.Buttheymightalsobe.Andyouareinthatprocessbeinghelpednottobesoself-regarding,soconstantlyconsciousofyour

anguish.Asyouremember,yes,compassionisabsolutelyessential.Itislikeoxygen.”

“Veryright,veryright,”theDalaiLamasaid.“Thinkingme,me,meautomaticallybringsfear,asenseofinsecurity,anddistrust.Thatkindofpersonwillneverbehappyperson.Andattheendofthatperson’slife,theirneighborwillbehappythatthatpersonisgone.Yes?”

“Youarequiteright,yes,”theArchbishopsaid.“Ifyoulookafterothers,particularlythosewhoareinneed,then

whenyouarepassingthroughsomedifficulties,thereareplentyofpeopleyoucanaskforhelp.Thenattheend,manypeoplewillfeelthattheyhavereallylostawonderfulperson.Soit’sjustcommonsense,”theDalaiLamaconcluded,pointingtohisforehead.

“AndthenIwanttosay,”theDalaiLamanowadded,passionateandwantingtoconvincetheskeptics,“lookatStalin’spictureorHitler’spictureandcompareittothefaceofMahatmaGandhi,andalsothefaceofthisperson.”HewaspointingtotheArchbishop.“Youcanseethatthepersonwhohasallthepower,butwholackscompassion,whoonlythinksaboutcontrol,”theDalaiLamasaidashegroundonehandintotheother,“canneverbehappy.Ithinkduringthenighttheydonothavesoundsleep.Theyalwayshavefear.Manydictatorssleepinadifferentplaceeverynight.

“Sowhatcreatesthatkindoffearistheirownwayofthinking,theirownmind.MahatmaGandhi’sfacewasalwayssmiling.AndtosomeextentIthinkNelsonMandela,also;becausehefollowedthepathofnonviolence,andbecausehewasnotobsessedwithpower,millionsofpeoplerememberhim.Ifhehadbecomeadictator,thennobodywouldhavemournedhisdeath.Sothat’smyview.Quitesimple.”

IwaspushingtheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishophardbecauseIdidnotwanttoleavecompassionintheloftyrealmofsaintsandlamas.Iknewtheyweresuggestingthatitwasapillarofjoyfortherestofus,andIwantedtounderstandwhyithasbeensohardforourmodernculturetoembrace.“Sothatsamecynicmightsay,‘Ifcompassionissonaturalandit’sinmanywaystheethicalrootofallreligionsandforthousandsofyearspeoplehavebeenpreachingandteachingcompassion,thenwhyis

T

theresuchalackofcompassionintheworld?’”“Ourhumannaturehasbeendistorted,”theArchbishopbegan.“I

mean,weareactuallyquiteremarkablecreatures.InourreligionsIamcreatedintheimageofGod.IamaGodcarrier.It’sfantastic.Ihavetobegrowingingodlikeness,incaringfortheother.IknowthateachtimeIhaveactedcompassionately,IhaveexperiencedajoyinmethatIfindinnothingelse.

“Andeventhecynicwillhavetoadmitthatitishowwearewired.We’rewiredtobeother-regarding.Weshrivelifthereisnoother.It’sreallyagloriousthing.Whenyousay,‘Iwillcareforonlyme,’inanextraordinarywaythatmeshrivelsandgetssmallerandsmaller.Andyoufindsatisfactionandjoyincreasinglyelusive.Thenyouwanttograbandtrythisandtrythat,butintheendyoudon’tfindsatisfaction.”

•••

hemodernworldissuspiciousofcompassionbecausewehaveacceptedthebeliefthatnatureis“redintoothandclaw”andthatwe

arefundamentallycompetingagainsteveryoneandeverything.Accordingtothisperspective,inourlivesofgettingandspending,compassionisatbestaluxury,oratworstaself-defeatingfollyoftheweak.Yetevolutionarysciencehascometoseecooperation,anditscoreemotionsofempathy,compassion,andgenerosity,asfundamentaltoourspecies’survival.WhattheDalaiLamawasdescribing—explainingthatcompassionisinourself-interest—evolutionarybiologistshavecalled“reciprocalaltruism.”Iscratchyourbacktoday,andyouscratchmybacktomorrow.

Thisarrangementwassofundamentaltooursurvivalthatchildrenasyoungassixmonthshavebeenshowntohaveaclearpreferencefortoysthatreflecthelpingratherthanhindering.Whenwehelpothers,weoftenexperiencewhathasbeencalledthe“helper’shigh,”asendorphinsarereleasedinourbrain,leadingtoaeuphoricstate.Thesamerewardcentersofthebrainseemtolightupwhenwearedoingsomethingcompassionateaswhenwethinkofchocolate.Thewarmfeelingweget

fromhelpingotherscomesfromthereleaseofoxytocin,thesamehormonethatisreleasedbylactatingmothers.Thishormoneseemstohavehealthbenefits,includingthereductionofinflammationinthecardiovascularsystem.Compassionliterallymakesourhearthealthyandhappy.

Compassionalsoseemstobecontagious.Whenweseeothersbeingcompassionate,wearemorelikelytobecompassionate.Thisresultsinafeelingcalled“moralelevation,”andthatisoneoftheaspectsofjoythatPaulEkmanhadidentified.RecentresearchbysocialscientistsNicholasChristakisandJamesFowlersuggeststhatthisrippleeffectcanextendouttotwoandthreedegreesofseparation.Inotherwords,experimentswithlargenumbersofpeopleshowthatifyouarekindandcompassionate,yourfriends,yourfriends’friends,andevenyourfriends’friends’friendsaremorelikelytobecomekindandcompassionate.

Wefearcompassionbecausewe’reafraidofexperiencingthesuffering,thevulnerability,andthehelplessnessthatcancomewithhavinganopenheart.PsychologistPaulGilbertfoundthatmanypeopleareafraidthatiftheyarecompassionatetheywillbetakenadvantageof,thatotherswillbecomedependentonthem,andthattheywon’tbeabletohandleothers’distress.

Oneofthedifferencesbetweenempathyandcompassionisthatwhileempathyissimplyexperiencinganother’semotion,compassionisamoreempoweredstatewherewewantwhatisbestfortheotherperson.AstheDalaiLamahasdescribedit,ifweseeapersonwhoisbeingcrushedbyarock,thegoalisnottogetundertherockandfeelwhattheyarefeeling;itistohelptoremovetherock.

Manypeoplearealsoafraidofreceivingcompassionfromothersbecausetheyareafraidthatotherswillwantsomethinginreturnorthattheywillatleastfeelindebted.Finally,manypeopleareevenafraidofbeingself-compassionatebecausetheyareafraidtheywillbecomeweak,thattheywillnotworkashard,orthattheywillbeovercomewithsadnessandgrief.Gilbertsays,“Compassioncanflownaturallywhenweunderstandandworktoremoveourfears,ourblocks,andourresistancestoit.Compassionisoneofthemostdifficultandcourageousofallour

Smotivations,butisalsothemosthealingandelevating.”

•••

elf-compassioniscloselyconnectedtoself-acceptance,whichwediscussedinanearlierchapter,butitisevenmorethanthe

acceptanceofourselves.Itisactuallyhavingcompassionforourhumanfrailtiesandrecognizingthatwearevulnerableandlimitedlikeallpeople.Asaresult,itisafundamentalbasisfordevelopingcompassionforothers.It’shardtoloveothersasyouloveyourself,asbothmenpointedout,ifyoudon’tloveyourself.

TheDalaiLamahadmentionedduringtheweekhowhewasshockedtohearfromWesternpsychologistsabouthowmanyoftheirpatientswrestledwithissuesofself-hatred.Self-preservation,self-love,andself-care,hehadassumed,arefundamentaltoournature.ThisassumptionisfundamentaltoBuddhistpractice,soitwasshockingtohearthatpeoplehadtolearntoexpresscompassionnotonlytoothersbutalsotothemselves.

Modernculturemakesithardforustohavecompassionforourselves.Wespendsomuchofourlivesclimbingapyramidofachievementwhereweareconstantlybeingevaluatedandjudged,andoftenfoundtobenotmakingthegrade.Weinternalizetheseothervoicesofparents,teachers,andsocietyatlarge.Asaresult,sometimespeoplearenotverycompassionatewiththemselves.Peopledon’trestwhentheyaretired,andneglecttheirbasicneedsforsleep,food,andexerciseastheydrivethemselvesharderandharder.AstheDalaiLamasaid,theytreatthemselvesasiftheyarepartofthemachine.Peopletendtofeelanxiousanddepressedbecausetheyexpectthemselvestohavemore,bemore,achievemore.Evenwhenpeoplearesuccessfulandgraballthebrassrings,theyoftenfeellikefailuresorfrauds,justwaitingtofalloffthemerry-go-round.Jinpaexplains,“Lackofself-compassionmanifestsinaharshandjudgmentalrelationshipwithourselves.Manypeoplebelievethatunlesstheyarecriticalanddemanding,theywillbefailures,unworthyofrecognitionandundeservingoflove.”

T

PsychologistKristinNeffhasidentifiedwaystoexpressself-compassion:Whenwetreatourselveswithcompassion,weacceptthattherearepartsofourpersonalitythatwemaynotbesatisfiedwith,butwedonotberateourselvesaswetrytoaddressthem.Whenwegothroughadifficulttime,wearecaringandkindtoourselves,aswewouldbetoafriendorrelative.Whenwefeelinadequateinsomeway,weremindourselvesthatallpeoplehavethesefeelingsorlimitations.Whenthingsarehard,werecognizethatallpeoplegothroughsimilarchallenges.Andfinallywhenwearefeelingdown,wetrytounderstandthisfeelingwithcuriosityandacceptanceratherthanrejectionorself-judgment.

•••

heArchbishopandtheDalaiLamahadrevealedthroughouttheweekoneofthecoreparadoxesofhappiness:Wearemostjoyfulwhenwe

focusonothers,notonourselves.Inshort,bringingjoytoothersisthefastestwaytoexperiencejoyoneself.AstheDalaiLamahadsaid,eventenminutesofmeditationonthewell-beingofotherscanhelponetofeeljoyfulforthewholeday—evenbeforecoffee.Whenwecloseourheart,wecannotbejoyful.Whenwehavethecouragetolivewithanopenheart,weareabletofeelourpainandthepainofothers,butwearealsoabletoexperiencemorejoy.Thebiggerandwarmerourheart,thestrongeroursenseofalivenessandresilience.

WhenAnthonyRayHintonwenttodeathrowafteratrialthatcanonlybecalledatravestyofjustice,hewasunderstandablyangryandheartbrokenathowtheAmericanjusticesystemhadfailedhim.“Whennoonebelievesawordyousay,eventuallyyoustopsayinganything.Ididnotsaygoodmorning.Ididnotsaygoodevening.Ididnotsayahow-do-you-dotoanyone.Iftheguardsneededsomeinformationfromme,Iwroteitdownonapieceofpaper.Iwasangry.Butgoingintothefourthyear,Iheardamaninthecellnexttominecrying.TheloveandcompassionIhadreceivedfrommymotherspokethroughmeandaskedhimwhatwaswrong.Hesaidhehadjustfoundoutthathismotherhad

passedaway.Itoldhim,‘Lookatitthisway.Nowyouhavesomeoneinheavenwho’sgoingtoargueyourcasebeforeGod.’AndthenItoldhimajoke,andhelaughed.Suddenlymyvoiceandmysenseofhumorwereback.Fortwenty-sixlongyearsafterthatnight,Itriedtofocusonotherpeople’sproblems,andeverydayIdid,IwouldgettotheendofthedayandrealizethatIhadnotfocusedonmyown.”Hintonwasabletobringloveandcompassiontoalovelessplace,andindoingsohewasabletoholdontohisjoyinoneofthemostjoylessplacesontheplanet.

Whilehewasinprison,hewatchedfifty-fourpeople,fifty-threemenandonewoman,walkbyhiscellontheirwaytotheexecutionchamber.Hegothisfellowinmatestostartbangingtheirbarsatfiveminutesbeforetheexecution.“IdiscoveredondeathrowthattheotherinmateshadnothadtheunconditionallovethatIhadhadfrommymother.Webecameafamily,andwedidnotknowiftheyhadanyotherfamilyandfriendsthere,sowewerebangingthebarstosaytothosewhowerebeingputtodeath,‘We’rewithyou,westillloveyourightuptotheend.’”

I

8.Generosity:WeAreFilledwithJoy

thinkthatalmostallofusaresurprisedhowourjoyisenhancedwhenwemakesomeoneelsehappy.Youknow,yougototown,you’vegone

todosomeshopping,andwhenyougetbackhomeyouhaveabunchofflowersforRachel.Shewasn’texpectingthem,andtheglowofherfaceandthejoythatcomesfromhavingmadeanotherpersonjoyfulissomethingthatyoucan’tactuallycompute.

“So,”theArchbishopsaidwithalaugh,“ourbooksaysthatitisingivingthatwereceive.SoIwouldhopethatpeoplewouldrecognizeinthemselvesthatitiswhenweareclosedinonourselvesthatwetendtobemiserable.Itiswhenwegrowinaself-forgetfulness—inaremarkablewayImeanwediscoverthatwearefilledwithjoy.

“I’vesometimesjokedandsaidGoddoesn’tknowverymuchmath,becausewhenyougivetoothers,itshouldbethatyouaresubtractingfromyourself.Butinthisincrediblekindofway—I’vecertainlyfoundthattobethecasesomanytimes—yougaveanditthenseemslikeinfactyouaremakingspaceformoretobegiventoyou.

“Andthereisaveryphysicalexample.TheDeadSeaintheMiddleEastreceivesfreshwater,butithasnooutlet,soitdoesn’tpassthewaterout.Itreceivesbeautifulwaterfromtherivers,andthewatergoesdank.Imean,itjustgoesbad.Andthat’swhyitistheDeadSea.Itreceivesanddoesnotgive.Andwearemademuchthatway,too.Imean,wereceiveandwemustgive.Intheendgenerosityisthebestwayofbecomingmore,more,andmorejoyful.”

Wehadcometotheeighthandfinalpillarofjoy.

•••

Generosityisoftenanaturaloutgrowthofcompassion,thoughthelinebetweenthetwocanbehardtodistinguish.AsJinpapointed

out,wedon’tneedtowaituntilthefeelingsofcompassionarisebeforewechoosetobegenerous.Generosityisoftensomethingthatwelearntoenjoybydoing.Itisprobablyforthisreasonthatcharityisprescribedbyalmosteveryreligioustradition.ItisoneofthefivepillarsofIslam,calledzakat.InJudaism,itiscalledtzedakah,whichliterallymeans“justice.”InHinduismandBuddhism,itiscalleddana.AndinChristianity,itischarity.

Generosityissoimportantinalloftheworld’sreligionsbecauseitnodoubtexpressesafundamentalaspectofourinterdependenceandourneedforoneanother.Generositywassoimportantforoursurvivalthattherewardcentersofourbrainlightupasstronglywhenwegiveaswhenwereceive,sometimesevenmoreso.Asmentionedearlier,RichardDavidsonandhiscolleagueshaveidentifiedthatgenerosityisoneofthefourfundamentalbraincircuitsthatmapwithlong-termwell-being.Inthe2015WorldHappinessReport,DavidsonandBriannaSchuylerexplainedthatoneofthestrongestpredictorsofwell-beingworldwideisthequalityofourrelationships.Generous,pro-socialbehaviorseemstostrengthentheserelationshipsacrosscultures.Generosityisevenassociatedwithbetterhealthandlongerlifeexpectancy.Generosityseemstobesopowerfulthat,accordingtoresearchersDavidMcClellandandCarolKirshnit,justthinkingaboutit“significantlyincreasestheprotectiveantibodysalivaryimmunoglobulinA,aproteinusedbytheimmunesystem.”

Soitseemsthatmoneycanbuyhappiness,ifwespenditonotherpeople.ResearcherElizabethDunnandhercolleaguesfoundthatpeopleexperiencegreaterhappinesswhentheyspendmoneyonothersthanwhentheyspenditonthemselves.Dunnalsofoundthatolderadultswithhypertensionhavedecreasedbloodpressurewhentheyareassignedtospendmoneyonothersratherthanthemselves.AstheArchbishophadexplained,wereceivewhenwegive.

G

IhadheardanamazingstorythatsupportedwhattheArchbishopwassaying.WhenImetJamesDoty,hewasthefounderanddirectoroftheCenterofCompassionandAltruismResearchandEducationatStanfordandthechairmanoftheDalaiLamaFoundation.Jimalsoworkedasafull-timeneurosurgeon.Yearsearlier,hehadmadeafortuneasamedicaltechnologyentrepreneurandhadpledgedstockworth$30milliontocharity.Atthetimehisnetworthwasover$75million.However,whenthestockmarketcrashed,helosteverythinganddiscoveredthathewasbankrupt.Allhehadleftwasthestockthathehadpledgedtocharity.Hislawyerstoldhimthathecouldgetoutofhischaritablecontributionsandthateveryonewouldunderstandthathiscircumstanceshadchanged.“Oneofthepersistentmythsinoursociety,”Jimexplained,“isthatmoneywillmakeyouhappy.Growinguppoor,IthoughtthatmoneywouldgivemeeverythingIdidnothave:control,power,love.WhenIfinallyhadallthemoneyIhadeverdreamedof,Idiscoveredthatithadnotmademehappy.AndwhenIlostitall,allofmyfalsefriendsdisappeared.”Jimdecidedtogothroughwithhiscontribution.“AtthatmomentIrealizedthattheonlywaythatmoneycanbringhappinessistogiveitaway.”

•••

enerosityisnotjustaboutthemoneywegive.Itisalsoabouthowwegiveourtime.Inthehappinessliteraturethereisagreatdealof

researchontheimportanceofhavingasenseofpurpose.Purpose,fundamentally,isabouthowweareabletocontributeandbegeneroustoothers,howwefeelneededbyandofvaluetoothers.Alargemeta-analysisbycardiologistRandyCohenconductedattheMountSinaiSt.Luke’sMedicalCenterfoundthatahighsenseofpurposecorrelateswitha23percentreductionindeathfromallcauses.InanotherstudyconductedbyneuropsychologistPatriciaBoyleandhercolleaguesandreportedinJAMAPsychiatry,peoplewithasenseofpurposewerehalfaslikelytodevelopAlzheimer’sdiseaseaftersevenyears.It’snosurprise,then,thatbeinggenerouswithourtimeseemstobeequallyprofoundfor

ourhealth.Alargemeta-analysisbyMorrisOkunandhiscolleagueshavefoundthatvolunteeringreducestheriskofdeathby24percent.

Compassionandgenerosityarenotjustloftyvirtues—theyareatthecenterofourhumanity,whatmakesourlivesjoyfulandmeaningful.“Yes,therearemany,many,manyuglythings,”theArchbishopexplained.“Buttherearealsosomeincrediblybeautifulthingsinourworld.TheblacktownshipsinSouthAfricaaresqualorriddenandbecauseofdespairanddisease,includingHIV,childrenareorphaned.Inoneofthetownships,Imetamotherwhohadcollectedtheseabandonedchildrenoffthestreets.She’sgotnothingmuchinthewayofresources.Buttheminuteshebegandoingthat,helpbegancomingforhertocarryoutherworkofcompassion.

“Wearefundamentallygood.Theaberrationisnotthegoodperson;theaberrationisthebadperson.Wearemadeforgoodness.Andwhenwegetopportunities,wemostlyrespondwithgenerosity.Shehasgotnothing,butthatdidn’tstopher.Andshehadaboutahundredstreetchildrenshepickedupinathree-roomhouse.Andbeforelongpeoplegottoknowaboutitwhowereabletosay,‘Okay,wewillhelp.Wewillbuildalittledormitoryforthem.’Otherssaid,‘Wewillgiveyoufood.’Andhey,presto,shehadahome.Andshe’sbecomingalegendaryfigure.Butshewasn’tdrivenbywantingfameoranythingofthekind.Itwasjustthatshesawthesechildrenandhermaternalinstinctsaid,‘No,thiswon’tdo.’Andsoyes,Imean,oneshouldn’tpretendthatpeopledon’tgetoverwhelmedbythesenseofimpotence,butdowhatyoucanwhereyoucan.”

AttheArchbishop’seightiethbirthday,RachelandIhadgonewiththeArchbishopandhisfamilytovisittheorphanageandtocelebratewithagiantcake.Assomeofthechildrensatonourlapsonthefloorinaroomthatwasfilledwithdozensofotherchildren,itwasveryhardnottowanttoadoptthemall.Theolderchildrenheldtheyoungeronesintheirarms:Theyhadalllashedtheirlivestogetherintheshelterofthecompassionandgenerosityofthemotherwhohadtakenthemin.IrememberedtheArchbishopsayingthatwhenhewouldvisittownships,peoplewhohadnothing,absolutelynothing,wouldstillopentheirhomesandtheirhearts

T

toothers.Generosityissodeeplyrootedinus.“Andyouaresurprised,”theArchbishopcontinued,“whenyougotoa

monasteryoraconvent,wherepeopleliveavery,verysimplelife,andyoujusthavetoacceptthattheyhaveapeacethatwewhoarealwaysgrabbingfindelusive.Unless,ofcourse,wesitlooselyinrelationtoallofourwealthandallofourstatus,thenwecanbegenerousbecausewehavereallybeenmadeastewardofthesepossessionsandthesepositions.Andwedon’tholdontothemfordearlife.

“Soit’snotthewealthandthestatus.Theseareneutral.It’sourattitude.It’swhatwedowiththemthatissoimportant.Wesaiditontheveryfirstday:Whenyoubecomesoinwardlooking,soself-regarding,youaregoingtoendupashriveledhumanbeing.”

•••

herearewaystogiveevenbeyondourtimeandourmoney.JinpaexplainedthatinBuddhistteachingstherearethreekindsof

generosity:materialgiving,givingfreedomfromfear(whichcaninvolveprotection,counseling,orsolace),andspiritualgiving,whichcaninvolvegivingyourwisdom,moralandethicalteachings,andhelpingpeopletobemoreself-sufficientandhappier.ThiswasofcoursewhattheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopweregivingallweeklong.

“It’sthereinfrontofoureyes,”theArchbishopsaid.“Wehaveseenit.Thepeopleweadmirearethosewhohavebeenother-regarding.Whoeveninthemidstofalotofhardworkandsoon,whenyouwanttospeakwiththem,theyhaveawayofmakingyoufeelthat,atthatprecisemoment,youarethemostimportantthingtheyhavetodealwith.

“Wedon’thavetobringinreligion.Imeanit’sasecularthing.Companiesthatarecaringoftheirworkersaremoresuccessful.Nowtheycouldsay,‘Well,wepaythemsomuchandthat’stheendofourconcernforthem.’Yes,well,okay.Dothat.Andyourworkerswillbeworkerswhosay,‘Iworkmyshiftfromacertaintimetoacertaintime,andIfinish.’Butwhentheyhaveexperiencedthatyoucareaboutthemaspeople—youknow,youaskafterthem,youaskaftertheirfamiliesorat

leasthavesomeoneinyourcompanywhosebusinessislookingaftertheirwelfare,aspeople—itdoesincreaseproductivity.Idon’tknowwhatotherevidencewewantthatwouldtellusthatthecaringcorporation,thecaringperson,almostalwaysaretheoneswhodowell.Infactdovery,verywell.Andtheoppositeistrueaswell.”

“Verytrue,verytrue,”theDalaiLamaadded.“It’squiteobvious.ManyJapanesecompaniesareverysuccessfulbecauseoftherelationshipbetweentheemployeeandemployer.Theemployeeshavethefeelingthat‘thisismycompany.’Sotheyworkwholeheartedly.Sowiththeemployerthatjustcaresabouttheprofits,theemployeeswillalwaysbethinkingaboutthelunchbreakortheteatime,neverthinkingaboutthecompany.Ifyoubuildtherealconceptofworkingtogether,andtheprofitissharedtogether,thenrealharmonydevelops.Thisiswhatwereallyneednow.Harmonyamongthesevenbillionhumanbeings.”TheDalaiLamawasweavinghishandstogether,asifhecouldwilltheharmonyoftheworld’spopulationwithhisdelicatefingers.

“Iwanttocomebacktowhatyouweresaying,Archbishop,abouthowyoufeellikeourhumannature’sbeendistorted.Whatisitaboutourmodernlifethatdistortsourinnatesenseofcompassionandgenerosity?”

“Wehavebeenbroughtuptothinkthatwehavetoobeythelawsofthejungle.Eatorbeeaten.Weareruthlessinourcompetitiveness.Somuchsothatnowstomachulcersarestatussymbols.Theyshowjusthowveryhardwework.Weworkhardnotonlytosupplyourneedsandtheneedsofourfamilies,butwearetryingtooutdotheother.Wehavedownplayedthefactthatactuallyourcreatednatureisthatwearemadeforacomplementarity.Wehavebecomedehumanizedanddebased.AsMartinLutherKingJr.,said,‘Wemustlearntolivetogetherassistersandbrothers,orwewillperishtogetherasfools.’

“Ihopethatbookssuchasthisonewillawakeninusthatsenseofbeinghuman.Andthenwewillrealizejusthowobsceneitisforustospendthebillionsortrillionsthatwespendonwhatwecallabudgetofdefense.Whenaverysmallfractionofthosebudgetswouldensurethat...Imean,childrendiedaily,diebecausetheydonothavecleanwater.Thatshouldnotbethecaseifwewereawareofour

interconnectedness.Andthere’snowayinwhichonenationisgoingtobeabletoprosperonitsown.Itcan’t.That’snothowweweremade.Wewerewiredforthiscomplementarity,thistogetherness,thisbeingfamily.Andevenifyouthinkitissentimental,itisn’tsentimental.It’sforreal.

“Whenyouproducealot,andyoudon’tsay,‘bythewaytherearepeopleovertherewhoarehungry,’andinsteadyoudestroythesurplus—andyouthinkit’sgoingtobeokay—itcan’tbeokay,becauseyouhavebrokenfundamentallawsoftheuniverse.Andthingswillgohorrendouslywrong.

“Youdon’thavetohavescripturalorreligiousteaching.It’sjustthetruth:Youcan’tsurviveonyourown.Ifyousayyouaregoingtobetotallyselfish,innexttonotimethepersonwhoistotallyselfishgoesunder.Youneedotherpeopleinordertobehuman.That’swhywhentheywanttopunishyoutheyputyouinsolitaryconfinement.Becauseyoucan’tflourishwithoutotherhumanbeings.Theygiveyouthingsthatyoucannotgiveyourself,nomatterhowmuchmoneyyouhave.AndsowespeakofUbuntu.Apersonisapersonthroughotherpersons.Andtheremusthavebeensomepeoplewhosaid,‘Ah,whataprimitivewayofthinking.’It’sthemostfundamentallawofourbeing.Wefloutthat—wefloutitatourperil.”

TheArchbishop’seyesweretransfixed,andhewasspeakingwiththepassionandpowerofanOldTestamentprophetwhowastryingtosavethepeoplefromruin.Iknewthatspeakingtruthtopower,ashealwaysdid,wasexhausting.However,hedidnotseemdepleted.Perhapshewasfeelingenergizedbyhisroleasaglobalvillageelder,whowasstilldesperatelyneededtobringamoralvoice.Nonetheless,Iwantedtobecarefultoprotecthislimitedstrength.“Archbishop,Iwanttobemindfulofyourenergy.Wehaveonelastquestionrelatedtothistopic.Howareyoudoing?”

“No,no,I’mfine.”“Foronemorequestion?“Youcangiveusasmanyasyoulike.”“ThisquestioncomesfromMicahinSouthAfrica.Sheasks,‘How

canyoubeofservicetopeople,nature,andcausesinneedwithoutlosing

yourselfcompletelytoacrisismentality?Howcanwehelptheworldhealandstillfindjoyinourownlife?’”

“Myyoungerbrother,here,gofirst,”theArchbishopsaid.“Ithinkyouknowbetter.”TheArchbishoplaughed.“Thisisthefirsttime,pleasenote,thathe

saidIknowbetter.”“IsthequestionaboutAfrica?”theDalaiLamainquired.“No,thisisabouttheworld.”“Okay,”theDalaiLamasaid,preparingtoanswer.“Now,Iamalways

sharingwithpeoplethattheproblemswearefacingtodayareverydifficulttosolve.Anentiregenerationhasbeenbroughtupwithacertainmentality,withacertainwayoflife.Sowhenwethinkaboutthefuture,howtobuildhealthyhumanity,wereallyhavetothinkabouthowwecreateanewgenerationofcitizenswithadifferentkindofmind-set.Hereeducationreallyisthekey.Christianityhaswonderfulteachings,sodoesBuddhism,buttheseteachingsandapproachesarenotsufficient.

“Nowseculareducationisuniversal.Sonowwemustincludeinformaleducationofouryouthsometeachingofcompassionandbasicethics,notonthebasisofreligiousbeliefbutonthebasisofscientificfindingsandourcommonsenseandouruniversalexperience.Justcomplainingaboutthepresentsituationisnotmuchhelp.Itisverydifficulttodealwithourcurrentworldcrisesbecauseofourbasicmentality.Asyoumentioned,yourfatherwasusuallyaverygoodman,butwhenhewasdrunkhebehavedbadly.TodayIthinkmanyhumanbeingsaredrunk.Theyhavetoomanynegativeemotionslikegreed,fear,andangerdominatingtheirminds.Sotheyactlikedrunkpeople.

“Theonlywayoutofthisdrunkenstuporistoeducatechildrenaboutthevalueofcompassionandthevalueofapplyingourmind.Weneedalong-termapproachrootedinavisiontoaddressourcollectiveglobalchallenges.Thiswouldrequireafundamentalshiftinhumanconsciousness,somethingonlyeducationisbestsuitedtoachieve.Timeneverwaits.SoIthinkitisveryimportantthatwestartnow.Thenmaybethenewgenerationwillbeinapositiontosolvetheseglobalproblemsintheirlifetime.We,theeldergeneration,havecreatedalotofproblemsin

thetwentiethcentury.Thegenerationsofthetwenty-firstcenturywillhavetofindthesolutionsforthem.”

“Imean,peoplearefundamentallycompassionate,”theArchbishopsaid,comingbacktooneofhiscorepoints.

TheDalaiLamajumpedin.“Yes.Thatisthebasisofourhope.”“Iamspeaking,”theArchbishopshotback,playfully.TheDalaiLamalaughed.“Eventhemostselfishperson,”theArchbishopcontinued,“musthave

amodicumofcompassionforhisfamily.Sowe’renotspeakingaboutsomethingalien.Wearesayingthatwehavediscoveredthatweareinterdependent.”

“Actually,Archbishop,”Isaid,tryingtobringourfocusbacktothetopic,“thisquestionisforpeoplewhofeelthatinterdependenceprofoundlyandaresocompassionatethatitmakesthemworld-sickandheartsick.Thispersonwantstoknowhowshecanfindjoyinherlifewhiletherearesomanywhoaresuffering.”

“Yes.Verygood,”hesaid,lookingdownandreflectingonthequestion.“Asanoldman,Icansay:Startwhereyouare,andrealizethatyouarenotmeantonyourowntoresolveallofthesemassiveproblems.Dowhatyoucan.Itseemssoobvious.Andyouwillbesurprised,actually,athowitcangettobecatching.

“Thereareverymany,manypeople—Imean,myheartleapswithjoyatdiscoveringthenumberofpeople—whocare.HowmanypeoplewalkedinNewYorkCityfortheenvironment?Imean,itwasincredible.Nobodywasgoingtopaythemanything.Buttheretheywereindroves.Therearemany,manypeoplewhocare.Andyouwillbesurprisedwhenyoubegintosay,Well,Iwouldliketodosomethingrelatingtotheaged.Youwillbesurprisedatthenumberpeoplewhocomeforwardandwanttohelp.WhyaretheresomanyNGOs?Imean,itispeoplewhosay,Wewanttomakeabetterworld.Wedon’thavetobesonegative.

“Hey,rememberyouarenotalone,andyoudonotneedtofinishthework.Ittakestime,butwearelearning,wearegrowing,wearebecomingthepeoplewewanttobe.Ithelpsnooneifyousacrificeyourjoybecauseothersaresuffering.Wepeoplewhocaremustbeattractive,mustbe

T

filledwithjoy,sothatothersrecognizethatcaring,thathelpingandbeinggenerousarenotaburden,theyareajoy.Givetheworldyourlove,yourservice,yourhealing,butyoucanalsogiveityourjoy.This,too,isagreatgift.”

•••

heArchbishopandtheDalaiLamaweredescribingaspecialkindofgenerosity:thegenerosityofthespirit.Thequalitytheybothhave,

perhapsmorethananyother,isthisgenerosityofthespirit.Theyarebig-hearted,magnanimous,tolerant,broad-minded,patient,forgiving,andkind.Maybethisgenerosityofthespiritisthetruestexpressionofspiritualdevelopment,ofwhattheArchbishophadsaidittakestimetobecome.

TheArchbishophadusedabeautifulphrasetodescribethiswayofbeingintheworld:“becominganoasisofpeace,apoolofserenitythatripplesouttoallofthosearoundus.”Whenwehaveagenerousspirit,weareeasytobewithandfuntobewith.Weradiatehappiness,andourverycompanycanbringjoytoothers.Thisnodoubtgoeshandinhandwiththeability,astheArchbishophadpointedoutrepeatedly,tobelessself-centered,lessself-regarding,andmoreself-forgetful.Thenwearelessburdenedbyourself-agenda:Wedonothaveanythingtoprove.Wedonotneedtobeseeninaparticularway.Wecanhavelesspretensionandmoreopenness,morehonesty.Thisnaturallybringseasetothosearoundus,too;aswehaveacceptedourselves,ourvulnerabilities,andourhumanity,wecanacceptthehumanityofothers.Wecanhavecompassionforourfaultsandhavecompassionforthoseofothers.Wecanbegenerousandgiveourjoytoothers.Inmanyways,itisliketheBuddhistpracticeoftonglen,whichtheDalaiLamahadusedonthedayhefoundoutabouttheuprisingandbrutalcrackdowninTibet.Wecantakeinthesufferingofothersandgivethembackourjoy.

Whenwepracticeagenerosityofspirit,weareinmanywayspracticingalltheotherpillarsofjoy.Ingenerosity,thereisawiderperspective,inwhichweseeourconnectiontoallothers.Thereisa

humilitythatrecognizesourplaceintheworldandacknowledgesthatatanothertimewecouldbetheoneinneed,whetherthatneedismaterial,emotional,orspiritual.Thereisasenseofhumorandanabilitytolaughatourselvessothatwedonottakeourselvestooseriously.Thereisanacceptanceoflife,inwhichwedonotforcelifetobeotherthanwhatitis.Thereisaforgivenessofothersandareleaseofwhatmightotherwisehavebeen.Thereisagratitudeforallthatwehavebeengiven.Finally,weseeotherswithadeepcompassionandadesiretohelpthosewhoareinneed.Andfromthiscomesagenerositythatis“wiseselfish,”agenerositythatrecognizeshelpingothersashelpingourselves.AstheDalaiLamaputit,“Infact,takingcareofothers,helpingothers,ultimatelyisthewaytodiscoveryourownjoyandtohaveahappylife.”

Thetimehadcomefora“small”surprisepartyattheTibetanChildren’sVillage,where1,750children,300teachersandstaff,andanother700adultguestsfromtheTibetancommunitywereeagerlywaitingtocelebratetheDalaiLama’seightiethbirthday.Likeeverythingwehadjustreadaboutgenerosity,wewhowerethere—andallwhowerewatchingthelivestreamaroundtheworld—wouldreceivemuchmorefromwitnessingthisextraordinaryeventthanwecouldeverhavehopedtogivetotheDalaiLama.

A

Celebration:DancingintheStreetsofTibet

sweapproachedtheTibetanChildren’sVillage,wecouldfeeltheexcitementofthechildrenevenbeforewecouldseeitintheirfaces.

ItwasarareoccasionfortheDalaiLamatohavetimetovisittheschool,andthefactthathewasbringinghishonoredguestmadetheeventalandmarkintheschool’shistory.

WhenwehadcomeinJanuarytoplanthetrip,wehadaskedifwecouldthrowasmallbirthdaypartyfortheDalaiLama.WehadmetwithtwooftheleadersoftheTibetanChildren’sVillages,TsewangYeshiandNgodupWangduLingpa,whoservedasbothadministratorsandsurrogateparentsforthechildren,asdidalltheteachers.Theydidnotwantanyofthechildrentomissoutonthisopportunity,sosoonthesmallgatheringhadgrowntoapartyofovertwothousand.Theyhadkindlyofferedtobakethebirthdaycake(weweren’tsurehowwe’dgetcakefortwothousandinourluggage).WeagreedtobringtrickbirthdaycandlesfromAmerica.

Thechildrenhadbeenstudyinghowtofindjoyandhappinessinthefaceofadversityformanymonths,exploringitintheirownlives.TheyhadwrittenabouttheirownwrenchingjourneysfromtheirfamiliesinTibet,oftenasyoungasfive.Manyhadtraveledforweekswithfamilymembersorstrangersoverthesnow-coveredmountainpassesoutofTibet,thesamedangerousjourneythattheDalaiLamahadtakenahalfcenturybefore.BecauseaneducationbasedintheTibetanlanguageandcultureissuppressedorseverelyrestrictedinmanypartsofthecountry,theirparents,oftenpoorandilliteratefarmersthemselves,hadsenttheirchildrentobeeducatedbytheDalaiLama.Afterdeliveringthemsafely,thefamilymembersorguidesneededtoreturntoTibet.Oftenthesechildrenwouldnotgettoseetheirfamiliesagainuntiltheywereadults,

ifever.Asourmotorcadeapproached,weheardthechildren’ssoaringvoices,

theirwelcomesonghigh-pitchedandplaintive,yetindomitableandjoyful.ItwasasongtheyhadcomposedfortheDalaiLama’seightiethbirthday.Thechoirandschoolstafflinedtheroad.Allaroundthemsatwavesofstudentsintheirschooluniforms,thegirlsinwhiteblouseswithgreenV-necksweatersandgreenskirts.TheboysworebluepantsandthetraditionalgrayrobesovertheirTibetanshirts,liketheonethathadbeenmadefortheArchbishop.

TheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishop’sbeigeSUVdrovethroughthegatheredcrowd,underthemassivecircularwhitetentthathadbeenraisedtoprotecttheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopandthechildrenfromthemiddaysun.Thecarfinallyarrivedatthelibrary,asthechildrenwerestillsingingatthetopoftheirlungs.OncetheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamawerehelpedoutofthecar,longkhatas,theceremonialwhitescarves,wereputaroundtheArchbishop’sneck.Theywerethenusheredovertoaceremonialredboxfilledononesidewithbarleyflourmixedwithsugarandbutterandontheothersidewithbarleygrain.Barley,whichisabletogrowathighaltitudes,isthemostimportantcropinTibet.Theflour,ortsampa,thatismilledfromroastedbarleyisastapleoftheTibetandiet.Colorfulbarleystalksstuckoutofthebox.Ayoungwomanandyoungman,elaboratelydressedintraditionalTibetanclothingstoodnexttothebox,eachofthemwiththeirlongblackhairbraidedintocrownsontheirheadandlargeyellownecklaceshangingdowntotheirchest.Theyoungwomanheldametalbowlfilledwithmilk,morelikelycoworgoatthanthetraditionalyak.

TheDalaiLamashowedtheArchbishophowtotossthebarleyflourintotheairandthendiphisringfingerintothemilkaspartoftheceremonialoffering.Longyellow,green,andredsticksofincenseburnednearby.Thecrowdofreporters,photographers,security,monks,andofficials,includingthebeareroftheyellowumbrella,throngedaround.Wewerethenledintothelibrary,wherethelibrariansplacedmorescarvesontheArchbishop,andtheArchbishopbegantoshrinkunderthelayersofwhitefabric.Ihadbeentoldthatoneofthelibrarianshadspent

threehoursscouringthefloortopreparefortheirvisit.TheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamawalkedpastthechildrenwhohad

beenselectedtosharetheirstories.Thechildrenwerebowingforwardrespectfully,holdingscarvesdrapedacrosstheirhands.TheDalaiLamastoppedinfrontofoneoftheyoungerboys,whohadascarrunningfromhisnoseacrosshischeek.TheDalaiLamatouchedittenderlyandaskedhimhowhehadgottenthescar,andthenshowedtheboyascaronhisownscalp.

AstheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamatooktheirseats,ayoungwomansteppedforward.Shelookedverystudiousandstylishinherpinkmetallicglasses.“Averywarmgoodafternoontoyou,YourHolinessandArchbishopDesmondTutu.MynameisTenzinDolma,andIamfromclasstwelve.Today,I’mgoingtosharemyexperienceofmyjourneyfromTibettoIndia.IwasborninasmallvillagecalledKarzeinKhamprovinceinTibet.Iamtheyoungestinmyfamily.MytwosistersandIwerebroughtupbyourmother,whoisafarmer.Myoldestmemorywasofmyuncle,whowashidinginourhousebecausetheChinesewerelookingforhim.In2002,whenIwasfiveyearsold,mymothertoldmetogotoIndiawithmygrandma.

“IwasveryhappybecauseIlovedbeingwithmygrandma.ThejourneytoIndiawasverylongwithmanydifficulties.WehadtohidefromtheChinesepol—somygrandmo—”Shebrokedown,andstartedcrying,andcouldnotgoon.MphoTutusteppedforwardandputherarmaroundthegirltocomforther.

Asshewept,theDalaiLamasaid,“AlmosteveryTibetanfamilyhashadamemberoftheirfamilyeitherkilled,orarrested,ortortured.”

Afterafewminutes,thegirlhadrecoveredandwasabletocontinue.“SomygrandmotherandIhidundertheluggageorundertheseatofthebus.AttheNepalborder,theChinesepolicepushedmygrandmotheraway.WewerestuckattheNepalborderforaweek.Onenight,mygrandmothertoldmetogowithaNepalesemantoNepal.Iwasveryafraid,butIwentwiththestranger.Thenextday,Ireunitedwithmygrandma.WhenwereachedIndia,wefirstwenttoBodhGayaforKalachakra.”

“Kalachakra,”theDalaiLamaexplained,“isabigBuddhistceremony.”

“Afterthat,wecametoDharamsala,”shecontinued.“MygrandmotherstartedtocrywhenshesawHisHoliness,andheblessedbothofus,andmygrandmotherthentoldmewhohewas.IjoinedTCV,andmygrandmotherwentbacktoTibet.IhavenotbeenbacktoTibetandit...ithasbeenthirteenyearssinceIlastsawmyfamily.”Tenzinwascryingagain,butstilltryingtospeak.Asshecried,InoticedthatJinpawascrying,nodoubtmovedbyhertears,butalsoperhapsrememberinghisownearlydaysataTibetanboardingschoolawayfromhisfamily.TheDalaiLamahadthepalmsofhishandspressedtogetherathisheart.

“Iwassadtoleavemyfamily,butIhavefoundmanythingsthathavebroughtmejoy.IhavemanyfriendsandIhavewonderfulteachersandIhaveMasterLobsang—whoisjustlikemydad.”Tenzinwasstillspeakingbetweentears,herpainspillingover,andInoticedthatNgodupWangdu,thedirectoroftheschool,waswipinghiseyeswiththeedgeofhisgrayrobe.

“Andduringmylastyearofschool,IrememberandthankallthosewhohaveworkedtogetherandmademewhatIamtoday.WithoutthesupportofHisHolinesstheDalaiLama,therewouldbenoTCV.SoIthankyou,YourHoliness,fromthedepthofmyheart.Thankyou.”Tenzinwasspeakingvaliantlythroughhertears.Shesteppedbackasthenextstudentsteppedforward,ayoungergirl.

“Tashidelek,YourHoliness.Tashidelek,DesmondTutu,”shebegan,offeringthetraditionalTibetangreeting.“Firstofall,I’dliketosaymynameisYongzinLhamo,andIaminclasseight.IcametoIndiain2007.Today,I’mheretosharemyjourney.MyjourneytoIndiastartedfromTawointheKhamprovinceofTibet.Iwasonlyfive,andIhadtoleavemyfamilybehind.ThepainIwentthroughleavingmyfamily...”YongzinLhamostoppedandbrokedownintears,unabletoevenstartherstory;thefactthatshehadtoleaveherfamilywasallthatreallymattered.Mphocamebackoutandputherarmaroundtheyounggirltocomforther.

Afterafewminutesofwitnessingthegirl’stears,withconcerninhisfacetheDalaiLamabegantospeaktoher.Itwasclearshewastooovercometocontinue,andhenowsteppedintohisroleashonoraryprincipalandguardianoftheschool.“Now,youshouldthink,hereyou’vegotcompletefreedomandhavetheopportunitytostudy—notonlymoderneducationbutalsoourancient,thousand-year-oldculture.Sowhenyoulookatyoursituationthatway,youwillfeelokay.

“WeTibetans,ourpopulationisquitesmall,aroundsixmillion,butwehavealonghistory,andourownlanguage,andourvastwrittentradition,soyoushouldfeelproud.Sothenyoucanfeelhappy.Now,yes,youcanlookbeyondthesesadanddifficultexperiences.Nowyoushouldstudyhard,becausethisgenerationhastheresponsibilitytorebuildTibet.Thenyouwillfeelhappy.”TheDalaiLamawastryingtohelphertoconnectherpaintothelargerdestinyoftheTibetanpeoplesoshecouldfindmeaningandcomfortbeyondhertrauma.

“Thankyou,”thegirlsaid,andreturnedtotheembraceofherteachers.

Ayoungboysteppedforwardinhissmallgrayrobeandbluepants.“MynameisTenzinTsering,andI’mfromclassseven.NowI’mgoingtosharehowIescapedfromTibetwithmyfather.Asthemorningarrived,themoonwasstillthereinthesky.Mymothercameandtoldmetostudyhardandbeabraveboy.Assoonasmymotherwasturningawayfromme,sheshedafloodoftears.Myfathercamebesideme,pattingmyback,signalingthatitwastimeformetosaygoodbye.Icriedmyeyesout,notwantingtoleave,butmymotherinsistedthatIgo,withtearsinhereyes.

“Soonthebuscameaswewerewaitingoutsidemyhome.Ileftmyhomewithaheavyheart,andIstoodstaringthroughthewindowofthebuscapturingallofthebeautifullandandpeopleinmyheartsothatIcouldrecallthemwheneverImissedmyhome.Asthesnowbegantocovertheroad,myfriendsandIdidnotgiveup.Werodeontheyak’sback,andtheelderoneswalkedinthedeepsnowofourland.Weworesunglassestoprotectoureyes.Isawabridge,awaitingustocomeandtravelthroughit.Myheartwaspoundingsohard.

“WesleptthroughoutthedaytimeandwalkedpasttheChinesesoldiersatnight.Mysisterhadseriouspainaswewerewalking.Thedaypassedwithwalkingandhiding.ThepainthatIwentthroughwhilecomingtoIndiawasnothingcomparedtothepainofleavingmyfamilyfarbehind.SinceIleftmyfamily,IfoundnojoyineverythingIdid.Inolongerenjoyedbussinging,thesightofflowersblooming,therainbow—thefreedominsidemewastakenaway.Ifeltmyselfburiedinadeepsorrowwithnohopeofsurvival.Iwasdyingslowlyinside.ThejourneytoIndiawasthescariestandtoughestjourneyIhadevergonethrough.

“MyfatherandIcametoDharamsala,andhetookmeforshoppingandleftmeintheschool,sayingthathewillcomethenextday,butheliedtome.Iwaitedforhimanxiously,cryingeverysinglehourthatwaspassingby.Soon,Igotmanyfriends,alovingschool,andcaringteachers,andtheblessingofHisHoliness.Ifeltaspotofjoyinsideme,andIstartedenjoyingmylifehereinexile.NowIfindjoyineverything,mylovingfellowstudents,attendingclasses,andIfeelsomehowmyselfagain,butIstronglywishtoseemymotherandtobewithherinmyownland—thatwouldbethegreatestjoyofmylife.Thankyou.”

Theboybowedforwardandwalkedbacktojointheotherstudents.Therewasalongsilenceasweabsorbedthepowerandpainofthechildren’sstories.FinallytheDalaiLamaturnedtotheArchbishopandsaid,“So,youmustcongratulatethem.TheirEnglishisbetterthanme?”

“Imustbecareful,”theArchbishopsaid,“butyes.Theyspeakvery,very,very,verywell.Beautiful.Beautiful.Allofthem,eventheyoungladies,throughtheirpain.”TheArchbishopsaidthankyouinEnglishandinTibetan.ThentheDalaiLamaledtheArchbishopovertosomeposterswherethechildrenhaddisplayedtheirpicturesandstoriesaboutjoy.Thefirstonewastitled“JoyinFamily,”andtherewereotherson“JoyinMusic”and“JoyinNature.”

“‘Iwanttohugmyparents,’”theDalaiLamareadfromoneoftheposters.“‘There’sdeepjoyandloveinahug.’Verygood.Wonderful.‘Iwilllookaftermyparentswhentheygrowold.Ishallneverabandonthem.’Verynice.”Indrawingpicturesofwhatgavethemjoy,mostofthe

childrenmentionedtheirfamilyortheirfriendsandteachersattheschool,whohadbecomeasecondfamily.Morethananythingitwasthepeopletheylovedwhoweretheirgreatestsourceofjoy.

Atthebottomofoneoftheposterswasaquote:“Truehappinesscomesfromthejoyofdeedswelldone,thezestofcreatingthingsnew.”ItwasaquotefromAntoinedeSaint-Exupéry,theauthorofTheLittlePrince,astoryaboutanotherboywhowasfarawayfromhishome.

Asweleftthelibrary,thegirls’choirbegansingingthebirthdaysongagain,thistimeaccompaniedbyaTibetanlute.

TheArchbishopandtheDalaiLamawereledtotwochairsatthecenteroftheenormoustent,whichdisplayedtheendlessknotandotherTibetansymbolsoverhead.Aroundthetenthungred,green,andyellowfringes,andstrungallalongtheedgesofitwerered,green,yellow,white,andblueprayerflags.

Thealmosttwothousandchildren,whohadbeenwaitingpatiently,weretheninvitedtostandandsingtheTibetanversionof“IfYou’reHappyandYouKnowIt,”whichinvolvedshakingtheirheads,clappingtheirhands,wigglingtheirhips,andstampingtheirfeet.

AroundtheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopspreadacarpetofcross-leggedchildren.Theyrangedfromfivetoeighteenyearsold,fromkindergartentogradetwelve.Behindthemwasagroupofadultsthathadsomehowfoundoutabouttheevent—onewaspatrioticallywavingaSouthAfricanflag.

ThentheDalaiLamatooktheheadsetandbegantoaddressthestudentsbutthenturnedtohisfriendandsaid,“SinceyouoftendescribemyEnglishasverypoor,nowI’mgoingtospeakTibetan.”TheDalaiLamaslappedtheArchbishop’sarmplayfully,andtheArchbishoppretendedtorubitasifwounded.Thekidsweregigglingasthetwogrown-ups,nowreconciled,tookeachother’shands.

“SoArchbishopDesmondTutuisoneofmyclosestfriendsonthisearth,”hebegan.“TheArchbishopalsohasbeensupportingtheTibetancauseunflinchingly.Youareagenerationwhoseparentshavesuffered,andyoualsohavesufferedtobeabletocomehere.AndasTibetans,theIndiangovernmenthashelpedussincethebeginningofourexile.Other

organizationsfromallpartsoftheworldhavehelpedus,andbecauseoftheirkindnessandcompassion,youhavetheopportunitytostudyhere.Andsoyoushouldreallyworkhardinyourstudies.Wearegoingthroughaverydifficultperiodinourhistory,butwehavesucharichcultureandlanguage.Sowhetheryouaremonasticsorlaypeople,youshouldtakegreatinterestinpreservingandpromotingthisculturethrougheducation.Ourcultureshouldnotjustbeinamuseum.Allaroundtheworldpeoplearefacinglotsofdifficultiesandourculturecanhelptheworld.

“Today,themainguestisArchbishopTutuandnotme.”TheArchbishopputonhisheadsetmicrophone,whichhadalittlewire

alonghischeekandfitsnuglyaroundhisears.“IlooklikeBononow,don’tI?”hesaidwithalaughashismicrophonewasbeingadjusted.

“YourHoliness,andallofyouvery,verybeautifulchildren.Someofyouarenotreallychildren.Itissuchagreat,greathonorandprivilegetobehere.Allofusarevery,very,very,veryproudandprivilegedtobehereinDharamsala.”TheArchbishopturnedtotheDalaiLamaandsaid,“Youarebelovedthroughouttheworld.”Hethenturnedbacktotheattentivefacesofthechildren.

“Andwewanttosaytoyou,youngpeopleespecially,itmightnotseempossiblethatyouwillonedayreturntoafreeTibet.WeinSouthAfricaformany,manyyearslivedunderasystemofinjusticeandoppression.Andmany,manyofourleadersandpeople,youngpeople,wentintoexile.Anditseemedlikethechainsofoppressionwouldneverbebroken,thatourleaderswhowereonRobbenIsland,theprison,wouldnevercomehomealive.Butyow—ha-ha!”

TheaudiencelaughedastheArchbishopletoutayelpfollowedbyatriumphantcheer.“Butithappened.Ithappened.In1990,ourbelovedNelsonMandelaandotherswerereleasedfromprison.Andtheexilescamebackhome.”TheArchbishopstretchedouthisarmsasifinanembracetowelcomethemhome.ThenhespokewiththeforceofrighteousnessandwastransformedintotheprophetthathehadbeeninSouthAfrica,seerofthefuture,willingitwithhiswords.“Onedayyou,too,allofyou,willseeyourbelovedTibet.Youwillbefreefromtheoppressionthathasdrivenyoutohere.TheChinesegovernmentwill

discoverthatfreedomisactuallycheaperthanoppression.”Thechildrenburstintoapplause.

“IamverydeeplyhonoredtobethefriendoftheDalaiLama.IshowoffwhenI’minotherplaces.IpretendthatIammodest,anddon’ttelltoomanypeoplethatactuallyheisavery,verydearfriend.Ijustsay,well,youknow,he’smischievous.He’stroublesome.WhenI’mwearingmycap,hetakesitoffmyheadandputsitonhisown.

“Youknowwhat?Theworldsupportsyou.TheworldlovestheDalaiLama.Iwanttoalsoaddmythank-youtotheIndiangovernment,theIndianpeoplewhoopenedtheirarmstowelcomeyou,becausetheyhavepreservedforusagreattreasure.Theypreservedforusagreattreasurethatwouldotherwisehavebeenlost.AndsoIwanttosaytoyou,allofyou...ooh,lookathowbeautifulyouare.Oh,yo,yo,yo,yo.Ooh,ooh!Oneday,youwillbedancingandsinginginthestreetsofTibet,yourhomecountry.Godblessyou.”

Thechildrennowcheeredevenlouder.Theyweretryingtobepoliteandrespectful,butyoucouldseehowtheirhopehadbeenawakened.Iscannedthefacesofthechildren,fromtheolderboysandgirlswhowerereallyalmostyoungmenandwomen,thenextgenerationofTibetanleaders,downtotheveryyoungchildren,whosememoriesofleavingtheirfamiliesmuststillbefresh,thewoundsofseparationstillhealing.Ifeltlikemyheartwasinmythroat.TearsstreameddownmycheeksasIrecalledtheanguishwehadjustwitnessedinthelibrary,imaginingthechildren’sequallybrokenheartedparents.ItwasnothardtoimaginewhatdancinginthestreetsofTibet—reunitedwiththeirfamilies—wouldmeantothem.Everything.

Afterafewquestionsfromtheolderstudents,ahugemultilayeredcakewithourtrickcandlesburningwasbroughtontothestage.Atthesametimeteachersbegantopassoutlittlesquarepiecesofcaketoallthestudents.Itwasaningeniouswaytodistributethecake,sincewewouldhavebeentherealldayifwehadtocuteachchildaslice.

Agroupofolderchildrentookthestage—thistimeabandofboysplayedguitarsanddrumsasthechorusofgirlsbegantosing“WeAretheWorld.”Soonthewholeschoolwassingingwiththem:“Wearethe

world,wearethechildren.Wearetheoneswhomakeabrighterday.Solet’sstartgiving.”

TheywavedtheirarmsabovetheirheadstogetherastheArchbishopgotuptodancehisirrepressible,elbow-wavingboogie.HeencouragedtheDalaiLamatogetupanddance.AsaTibetanBuddhistmonk,theDalaiLama’svowsprohibitdancing,buttodayhegotuptodanceforthefirsttimeinhislife.Hestartedtoswayandrockhishandsbackandforth.Atfirstasuncomfortableasamiddleschoolboyonthedancefloor,theDalaiLamastartedtosmileandlaughastheArchbishopencouragedhim.Theytookeachother’shandsandmovedtothemusic,celebratingthetruejoyoffriendship,thetruejoyofourunbreakableconnectiontooneanother,thetruejoyoftheworldcomingtogetherasone.

BehindthemsewnintothetentweretwoTibetanendlessknots,symbolsfortheimpermanenceandinterdependenceofalllifeandtheunionofwisdomandcompassion.Betweentheknotswasanimageoftwogoldenfishwithlargeeyes,whichrepresentssentientbeingscrossingtheoceanofexistencewiththeclearsightofwisdomaswellasthefearlessnessofnotdrowningintheoceanofsuffering.

Thesongfinished,andthentheArchbishopbegantosing,forcinghisusualtenorintoadeepandresonantbass:“Happybirthdaytoyou...happybirthdaytoyou...happybirthday,dearYourHoliness...happybirthdaytoyou...”

Thiswasfollowedby“HappyBirthday”sunginTibetanastheDalaiLamatriedtowaveoutthecandles,whichhadbynowburneddownsolowthatthecakewasstartingtocatchfire.

“Wait,wait,”theArchbishopsaid,encouraginghimnottoputoutthesmallfirethatwasstartingtoburnontopofthecakebuttoblowitoutproperly.“Canwehaveoneortwoofthechildrenhelpusblowoutthecandles?Therewego.”Twolittlegirls,oneinherschooluniformandanevenyoungerandtinierone,inpigtailsandagreendress,wereraisedontothestagebetweenthem.

“One,two,three.”Theyblewoutthecandles,butthenthetrickcandlesrelit.TheArchbishopletoutacackleastheyblewagainandthentheflamescameback.Butonthethirdtime,astheArchbishoplaughed,

theDalaiLamaandthegirlskeptblowinguntiltheyfinallyblewthecandlesout.

Thechildrenwereledinaprayerofofferingastheyheldtheirpiecesofcakeuphighinbothhands,givingthanksfortheirteachers,theirteachings,andtheircommunity—andperhapsfortheopportunitytosomedayseetheirfamiliesagain.

TDeparture:AFinalGoodbye

henextmorningwasabrieffinalsession.WehadtoheadtotheairportearlytoflytheArchbishoptoyetanotherfuneralofoneof

hisdearfriends.Somanyofthegreatswereleavingus.Wesatbackinthewarmpooloflightthathadenvelopedusallweek,

andgotourmikesconnected.IthoughtabouthowtheArchbishopwasinhiseightiesandhowtheDalaiLamawasjoininghiminthisninthdecadeoflife.Wewereallreflectingonthebirthdaycelebrationthedaybeforeattheschoolandhowthesetwoeldershadsharedtheirhard-wonwisdomwiththestudentsandfoundhopeinthenextgeneration.Weallreceiveatransmissionfromourrolemodelsandmentors,andweallpassitalongtothosewhocomeafter.Thiswasthegoalofourprojecttogether.

IwassittingacrossfromtheArchbishopandwasstaringathisbeautiful,lovingface,whichhadbecomesofamiliaroverthelastdecadeofcollaborationandfriendship.Hehasbecomeasecondfatherandabelovedmentor.Ithoughtofhisbattlewithprostatecancerandhowslowthecancerhadbeentorespondtothelastroundofexperimentaldrugs.Wewereworriedabouthowlongwewouldhavehim,notjustallthosewhoknewandlovedhimbuttheworldthatstillneededhimandhismoralvoice.

TheArchbishop’sabilitytotravelhadbeenseverelyrestrictedbyhisdoctors,andhehadatonetimesaidhewasnotgoingtotraveloutsideofSouthAfricaagain.ThismadehisdecisiontocometoDharamsalaallthemoreextraordinaryandunlikelytoberepeated.BecausetheSouthAfricangovernmentwouldnotgranttheDalaiLamaavisa,weallknew—mostespeciallythetwoofthem—thatthistripmightbetheirlasttimetogether.

Death,astheArchbishophadremindedus,isinevitable.Itisthewaylifeshouldbe.Abeginning.Amiddle.Andanend.Itisthiscyclethatmakeslifepreciousandbeautiful.However,itdoesnotmakethesorrow

A

anylessforthosewholoseonetheylove.“Whyareyoulookingsosolemn?”theArchbishopaskedme.“I’mreflecting,”Isaid,“onourtimecomingtoaclose.”“Everythinghasanend.”

•••

ftertheArchbishop’scustomaryprayer,webeganourdiscussionforthelasttime.

“Archbishop,YourHoliness,whatanincrediblejoyandprivilegeithasbeentojoinyouinthisconversationtoprepareTheBookofJoy.Todayisjustforafewfinalquestions.Onewereceivedwas,‘WhydoyouthinkitisimportanttowriteTheBookofJoynow,andwhatdoyouhopeitwilldoforreadersaroundtheworld?’”

“Youobviouslyhope,”theArchbishopsaid,speakingofhimselfinthesecondperson,asheoftendid,“thatyoucouldbeanagentforhelpingGod’schildrenenterintotheirheritagesotheycanhavegreaterfulfillmentandcanbecomeallthattheyaremeanttobe.Andyouhopethattheywillrealizethatitwillhappenmostofalliftheyaregenerous,iftheyarecompassionate,iftheyarecaring.

“Itiswhenwithoutthinkingaboutityouhelpsomeonewhoislesswelloff,whenyouarekindtosomeoneelseanddothosethingsthatraiseothersup,youendupbeingjoyful.”

Thedaybefore,attheTibetanChildren’sVillage,theArchbishophadansweredoneofthechildren’squestionsbysaying,“Ifwethinkwewanttogetjoyforourselves,werealizethatit’sveryshortsighted,short-lived.Joyisthereward,really,ofseekingtogivejoytoothers.Whenyoushowcompassion,whenyoushowcaring,whenyoushowlovetoothers,dothingsforothers,inawonderfulwayyouhaveadeepjoythatyoucangetinnootherway.Youcan’tbuyitwithmoney.YoucanbetherichestpersononEarth,butifyoucareonlyaboutyourself,Icanbetmybottomdollaryouwillnotbehappyandjoyful.Butwhenyouarecaring,compassionate,moreconcernedaboutthewelfareofothersthanaboutyourown,wonderfully,wonderfully,yousuddenlyfeelawarmglowin

yourheart,becauseyouhave,infact,wipedthetearsfromtheeyesofanother.

“Whynow?”hecontinued,addressingthesecondpartofthequestion.“Ithinkthatthereissomuchthatishurting.Youalmostwantnottoreadthenewspapersorwatchtelevisionwhen,ifyouaregoingtowatchtelevision,youwillseethebeheadingofsomeone’schild.Whenyouseethenumberofrefugees,mothersrunningawayfromonesourceofviolenceandpullingchildrenbehindthem.Evenwhenyoulivecomfortablyitclutchesatyourheartstrings.It’svery...it’sverydistressing.Particularlywhenwethinkthatduringthetimeofourstruggleagainstapartheid,ourpeoplewererefugeesandexiledandwerewelcomedinAfricancountriesthatwereagreatdeallesswelloffthanSouthAfricais.Youhavetobequitecarelessnottobesad.Welooklikewearehell-bentoncompetingtoshowwhowillbethemostexquisitelycruel.IthinkGodwantsustobejoyfulateverytime,butrightnow,IthinkGodiscryingquitealot.”TheArchbishopwasgesturingtotheDalaiLama.“It’syourturnnow.”

“Thisisourlastsession,soperhapsIwillstateitthisway.IamonehumanbeingborninAmdoprovinceinnortheastTibetinavery,verysmallvillagein1935.So,atthattime,theSino-Japaneseconflictwasabouttostart.SoonaftertheSecondWorldWarbegan.ThentheKoreanWar.ThentheVietnamWar.Becauseofthesewars,therewasimmenseviolence.Atthosetimesthehumanmind,oratleastthosewhowereresponsibleforgoingtowar,believedthatusingforcewasthebestmethodforsolvingdisagreement.

“DuringtheSecondWorldWar,forexample,whenanationdeclaredwaronanother,thecitizensofthecountryproudlyjoinedthewareffortwithouttheslightestquestion.ButsincetheVietnamWarourwayofthinkinghaschanged.Moreandmorepeoplenowpubliclyopposewar;wesawthisoppositiontowarinKosovo,inIraq.Manypeoplewereagainstthesewarsand,fromAustraliatoAmerica,peopleopenlyprotestedagainstthesewars.Thisistrulyahopefulsign.

“Ithinkaslongaswehumanbeingsremainhere,therewillalwaysbesomelimitedviolence,asthereiswithallanimals.Butseriousviolence,

masskilling,war,thiswecaneliminateifwehavethepropervisionandmethod.Ithink,certainly,itispossibletoachieveaworldwithoutsuchsorrow.”

AttheTibetanChildren’sVillage,inresponsetothequestionofwhetherjoycanbetheultimatesourceofworldpeace,theDalaiLamahadresponded,“Ithinkso.Ithinkfirstlypeopleshouldhaveaclearunderstandingofjoyfulness.Yousee,youmightgetatemporaryjoyinkillingyourenemyorbullyingsomeone.Youmaygetsomekindoftemporarysatisfaction.Butthetruejoyfulnesscomesfromhelpingothers.Thiswayyougetmuchmoresatisfaction.Sothatkindofthinkingaboutjoyfulnessisreallyanimportantfactorinbuildingahappysociety,peacefulsociety.Inordertocreatepeacefulfamily,firsttheindividualpersonhimselforherselfshouldcreateinnerpeace,joyfulness.Thensharewithotherfamilymembers.Inthatway,onefamily,tenfamilies,ahundredfamilies.Thatway,wecanchangeandbringhappiercommunity,happiersociety,thenhappierhumanity.Sevenbillionhumanbeings,weallhavesamedesire,samerighttoachievehappylife.”

TheDalaiLamathenreturnedtothetopicofwhyhewantedtowriteTheBookofJoyandwhynow:“Wearelearning.In1996,IhadanaudiencewiththelateQueenMother.Atthattimeshewasninety-sixyearsold.Sincemychildhood,Ihadseenpicturesofherroundface,soshewasquitefamiliar,andIwasreallylookingforwardtothemeeting.Iaskedher,‘Sinceyouhaveobservedalmostthewholetwentiethcentury,doyoufeeltheworldisbecomingbetter,worse,orstayingthesame?’

“Withouthesitation,sheanswered,better.Whenshewasyoung,shesaid,therewasnoconceptofhumanrightsortherighttoself-determination.Nowthesethingshavebecomeuniversal.Shesharedthesetwoexamplesofhowtheworldisgettingbetter.

“Ithinkthemajorityofpeopleeverywherebelievethatbloodshedisnotgoodandhaveadesireforpeace.AroundthetimeofmymeetingwiththeQueenMother,IalsohadaconversationwiththerenownedquantumphysicistCarlFriedrichvonWeizsäcker,whowasthebrotherofthethenWestGermanpresident.VonWeizsäcker,too,arguedthattheworldwasimproving.Forexample,hesaidthatinthepasteveryGerman

feltthattheFrenchwerehisenemyandeveryFrenchfelttheGermanswerehisenemy.NowthesearchenemieshavejoinedtogetherandhaveformedtheFranco-Germanunifiedforce.TheyhavealsobeenkeyplayersintheformationoftheEuropeanUnion.Itisnotperfect,butitisprogress.

“Sotheneventually,theBerlinWalldisappeared,notbyforce,butbypopularmovement,soyouseechange.Now,Chinaisalsochanging.Cubaisalsochanging.NorthKoreaaloneperhapshasnotchanged—yet.Sothesethingsarepositivesigns.Humanbeings,throughwidercontactandmoreeducation,arebecomingmoremature.Ittakestime,andwemusttakethelongview.Whenwelookatourworldwithalongertimeframe,say,ofahundredyears,wecanthenenvisionaworldthatisverydifferent.Abetter,kinder,amoreequitable,morejoyfulworld.Butwemuststarttheprocessofthatchangenow,notwaitforsomeidealtime.Theidealtimeisnow.”

TheDalaiLamawasarguingforthislongerperspective,andIcouldnothelpbutthinkofSirMartinRees’scommentthatwewereonlyhalfwaythroughourevolutionasaspeciesonthisplanet.Whenonethinksofthelongparadeofthehumanjourney,itisreallyquiteextraordinarytothinkwhatwecanbecomeinacentury,inamillenniumormore.

“Aftermeetingwithsomanypeople,thinkers,scientists,educators,health-careprofessionals,socialworkers,andactivists,”theDalaiLamacontinued,“itisclearthattheonlywaytotrulychangeourworldisthroughteachingcompassion.Oursocietyislackinganadequatesenseofcompassion,senseofkindness,andgenuineregardforothers’well-being.Sonowmany,manypeoplewhoseriouslythinkabouthumanityallhavethesameview.”Hewaspointingbothhisindexfingersathistempletoemphasizethelogicoftheirconclusion.“Wemustpromotebasichumanvalues,theinnervaluesthatlieattheheartofwhoweareashumans.

“Religionisnotsufficient.Religionhasbeenveryimportantinhumanhistory,andperhapsforanotherthousandyearsitwillcontinuetobringbenefittohumanity.”TheDalaiLamaknewhewasbeingcontroversial,callingthelong-termvalueofreligionintoquestion,andhehadtakenthe

Archbishop’shandtocomforthimandreaffirmthathewasnotplanningtoputeitherofthemoutofajobanytimesoon.

“Sonowwehavetothinkseriously.Justtoprayorrelyonreligiousfaithisnotsufficient.Itwillremainasourceofinspiration,butintermsofsevenbillionhumanbeings,it’snotsufficient.Nomatterhowexcellent,noreligioncanbeuniversal.Sowehavetofindanotherwaytopromotethesevalues.

“Ithinktheonlywayreallyis,aswehavesaid,througheducation.Educationisuniversal.Wemustteachpeople,especiallyouryouth,thesourceofhappinessandsatisfaction.Wemustteachthemthattheultimatesourceofhappinessiswithinthemselves.Notmachine.Nottechnology.Notmoney.Notpower.

“WearenottalkingaboutheavenorhellorBuddhahoodorsalvation;thesearetoofaraway.”Helaughed.“Soourbookispartofthisimportantprocesstohelpspreadthemessagethatlove,kindness,andaffectionarethesourceofjoyandhappiness.

“Asyoualreadymadeclear,ourbasichumannatureisgood,ispositive,sothatcangiveusabasisforcourageandself-confidence.Sothat’swhywespendalotoftimediscussingallofthis.Theremustbesomerealconcretepurposeandresult,orifnot,it’sbettertosleep.”TheDalaiLamapretendedtoleanoveronhiselbowtowardtheArchbishop,asiffallingasleep,andthenlaughed.

IturnedtoArchbishopTutuandsaid,“I’dliketoinviteyou,Archbishop,toaddressyourreadersdirectlyandofferthemablessing.”Heturnedtothecameraandbegantospeak.

“DearChildofGod,youarelovedwithalovethatnothingcanshake,alovethatlovedyoulongbeforeyouwerecreated,alovethatwillbetherelongaftereverythinghasdisappeared.Youareprecious,withapreciousnessthatistotallyquiteimmeasurable.AndGodwantsyoutobelikeGod.Filledwithlifeandgoodnessandlaughter—andjoy.

“God,whoisforeverpouringoutGod’swholebeingfromalleternity,wantsyoutoflourish.GodwantsyoutobefilledwithjoyandexcitementandeverlongingtobeabletofindwhatissobeautifulinGod’screation:thecompassionofsomany,thecaring,thesharing.AndGodsays,Please,

W

mychild,helpme.Helpmetospreadloveandlaughterandjoyandcompassion.Andyouknowwhat,mychild?Asyoudothis—hey,presto—youdiscoverjoy.Joy,whichyouhadnotsought,comesasthegift,asalmosttherewardforthisnon-self-regardingcaringforothers.”

“Thankyou.YourHoliness,whatfinalwordswouldyouliketoleavethereaderwithsothattheycanexperiencemorejoyandcreatemorejoyinourworld?”

“Ihopethisbookwillleaveyouwithmorehopeandasenseofgreaterresponsibilityrootedingenuineconcernforothers’well-being.Yousee,inordertobecomeahappyperson,weneedtolivemorefromthecompassionatepartofournatureandtohaveasenseofresponsibilitytowardothersandtheworldwelivein.Inthiscenturyifwemakeanattemptwithrealisticeffortandclearvision,perhapsinthelaterpartofthecentury,wecanreallyhaveahappierworld.Amorepeacefulworld.Akinderandmorecompassionateworld.So,myhopeisthatthisbookcanbeacontributiontowardbringingaboutthishappierhumanity.

“Nobodyexpectsthisbookalonewillchangetheworld.No,that’simpossible,butfromvariousquarters,withacommoneffort,andavisionthatthinksabouthumanity,wecanachieveunityandharmonywithasenseofbrotherhoodandsisterhood,withtheonenessofhumanity.Andallthesesmallproblemshereandthere,Ithink,ultimately,wewillsolve,butwemustalsoaddressthebiggerproblems.Whenthelargersystemicproblemsareaddressed,thenthesmallerproblemswillalsobesolvedquiteeasily.Soallofus,spiritualbrothersandsisters,haveaspecialresponsibility,haveaspecialroletomakeclearthattheultimatesourceofameaningfullifeiswithinourselves.Ifyouliveinthisway,untilyourlastbreathcomesyouwillbeahappy,happyperson.That’sthegoalofhumanlife—tolivewithjoyandpurpose.”

•••

eweredonewiththeinterviews,butbeforeweendedthesession,theArchbishopthankedallwhohadbeeninvolved,most

especiallyhisfriend.“Iwanttosayaverybigthank-youtotheDalai

A

Lamaforhisgenerosityandhishospitalityhere.Thankyouvery,verymuchforopeningyourhomesowecouldcomeandbecaredforandhavethisveryimportantprojectundertaken.Wouldyoupleasetellyourhouseholdandstaffthatweareverydeeplyindebtedtothem?”Hethenturnedtome:“Nowyoucansayyourpiece.”

“Actually,Ithinkyousaiditsowonderfully,whichistothankeachandeveryonefortheincredibleworkofmakingthesedialoguespossible,butasarepresentativeofallthosewhowillbenefitfromthiswork,Iwanttothankyoubothsoprofoundlyforyourlife-sustainingandlife-changingwords.MaythemeritofthisbookbenefitallofGod’schildrenandallsentientbeings.”

•••

swegotreadytoleave,theDalaiLamasaid,“Iwasverysadtomissyourbirthday.WhenIfoundoutthatyoumightcomehere,Iwas

reallysurprised.Iknewyourhealthwasnotgoodandthatyouwerealsoveryold,andtoreachhereisnoteasy.”

“Yes,”theArchbishopsaid,“that’squiteright.”“But,”theDalaiLamacontinued,“whenIheardthateverythingwas

finalized,andthedateandhourwasapproaching,Ireallyfelthappyandexcited.Ireallyappreciateyourfriendshipandyoursenseofresponsibilitytodowhatyoucanforabetterhumanity.”

Earlierintheweek,theArchbishopandtheDalaiLamahadreflectedonwhatwassospecialabouttheirfriendshipwithcharacteristichumor.

“He’salwaysteasingme,”theArchbishopsaidwithalaugh.“Almostthefirsttimewemet—doyouremember?Maybethefirsttimeyouwerealittlereserved,butbythesecondtimeyouweretakingmycapoffmyhead.Idon’tknowthatyouwakeupinthemorningandsay,I’mgoingtobecomeafriendtotheDalaiLama.Itjusthappens.Scientistswillcomeafterwardandanalyzeit.ButIdon’tthinkthathewokeupeither—atthree—andsaid,IthinkI’mgoingtobefriendswiththatlarge-nosedblackmanfromAfrica.Ithinkitwasacommunicationoftheheart.Whenwekeptquiet,ourheartsdiscoveredthattheywerekindredspirits.

“Iadmirehimenormously.Oh,he’sgoingtogetproud.ButIalwayssaytopeople,‘Afterbeinginexileoverfiftyyears,howmanywouldshowthesameserenity,thesamejoy,andtheeagernesstospreadgoodnessandcompassionintheworld?’

“IthinkIwouldbeverysulky,andIthinkthere’dbeapartofmethatwasalwayssadanditwouldshowinmyface.Itdoesn’tinhis.Imean,I’mjustsayingheisthereforusasabeacontotellusthatyoucan,infact,overcomesomeofthemosthorrendouscircumstancesandemergeontheotherside,notbroken.Soheisaverygreatgifttotheworld.AndmaybetheChinese,withoutintendingit,havegiventheworldawonderfulgift.”

“Thankyou,”theDalaiLamasaidquietly,perhapshumbledbythepraise.

“Payme,payme,”theArchbishopsaid,reachingouthishandandrubbinghisfingertipstogether.

“Iwillpay.Iwillpaywithafewnicewords.”“AtourfirstmeetingInoticethisperson.Ialwayslookatpeople,

firstly,humanlevel,soIdonotconsiderimportanceoftheirrankorposition.So,onthehumanlevel,thispersonverynice,humble,Ithinkvery,very,veryjoyful.”

HewasholdingtheArchbishop’sarm.“Andthen,yousee,onceyouconnectonthehumanlevel,youbecomeclosefriendsandthatfriendshipneverchanges.Butonanotherlevel,thispersonisaveryfunnyperson,”hesaid,slappingtheArchbishop’sarmplayfully.“Ilovethat.Heisalwaysteasingme,andalsoIamteasinghim.Sowereallybecomesomethingquitespecial.

“Andfinally,rightfromthebeginning,youalwaysspeakoutaboutthetruthandthejusticeoftheTibetancause.AsaTibetan,Iverymuchappreciateit.

“WheneverheisatNobelPeacePrizeLaureatemeetings,theyarefullofjoy.Theatmosphereissomethingdifferent.Theninrecentyears,becauseofhisageandalsohisphysicalcondition,yousee,hecouldnotattend.Ofcourse,therearemanyotherNobelPeacePrizeLaureatesandmanyotherNobelPeacePrizeLaureatesarewonderfulladies—”

“Youareamonk,remember?”theArchbishopscolded.“Butwhenyouarenotthere,somethingmissing,really.Really,really.

TheotherNobelPeacePrizeLaureatesalsofeelit,Ithink.Sotherelationshipissomethinguniqueandsomethingveryspecial.”

“Thankyou.Ipaidhim,”theArchbishopsaid,pretendingtostagewhisper.

TheDalaiLamaeruptedintoabellylaughandthenbeganpointingattheArchbishop.“Hisface,hisface,”hesaid,gesturingtotheArchbishop’sbaldhead.“Helookslikeamonknow,doesn’the?”ThentheDalaiLamadrewhishandintotheshapeofaneye.“WhenIseeyoureyes”—thenhesqueezedhisnoseplayfully—“and,ofcourse,yournose—”

TheArchbishopcouldnothelpbutgiggleatthementionofhismuchjokedaboutnose.

ThentheDalaiLama’splayfultonechangedashepointedattheArchbishop’sfacewarmly.“Thispicture,specialpicture.”Thenhepausedforalongmoment.“Ithink,attimeofmydeath...”Theworddeathhungintheairlikeaprophecy.“...Iwillrememberyou.”

Icouldheareveryoneintheroom,eventhecameraoperators,takeadeepbreath,wewereallsomoved.TheArchbishoplookeddownandhummeddeeply,obviouslyhumbledandtouchedbytheDalaiLama’swords.Couldtherebeatruersignoflove,toseeanother’sfaceatthetimeofdeath?

“Thankyou.Thankyou,”wasalltheArchbishopcouldsay,allthatcouldbesaid.

“Soperhaps,”theDalaiLamasaid,“accordingtoyourreligioustradition,wemaymeetinheaveninthepresenceofGod.YouasagoodChristianpractitionerwillgofirst.”TheArchbishopnowchuckledheartilyandtheroomseemedtobreatheagain.“Youmayhelpmeandbringustogether.”WelaughedimaginingtheArchbishopbargainingwithSt.Peteratthepearlygates,tryingtogetspecialadmissionfortheDalaiLama.

“ButfromtheBuddhistviewpoint,”theDalaiLamacontinued,“onceinalife,youdevelopsomesortofspecialcloseconnection,thenthatsort

ofimpactwillcarrylifeafterlife.That’sBuddhistviewpoint.Somaybeeventhen.Butnow,I’mlookingforwardtoanotheroccasiontoseeyouagain—somewherethatonlyGodknows.”

Aftersomefinalphotographsweretaken,wehadtorushtotheairport.AstheArchbishopleanedonhiscanenow,walkingperhapsabitslowerthanbefore,hisageshowingjustalittlemorethanithadearlierintheweek,IcouldseetheDalaiLama’sforeheadwrinklingwithconcernandworry.HehadsaidGodonlyknewwheretheywouldmeetagain,andperhapshewasthinkingaboutwhetherGodwouldgivethemanotheropportunityinthislife.

Thetwoleadershadtoldusoverthecourseoftheweekthatthereisnojoywithoutsorrow,thatinfactitisthepain,thesufferingthatallowsustoexperienceandappreciatethejoy.Indeed,themoreweturntowardthesuffering,ourownandothers,themorewecanturntowardthejoy.Weacceptthemboth,turningthevolumeoflifeup,orweturnourbacksonlifeitself,becomingdeaftoitsmusic.Theyhadalsotoldusanddemonstratedthattruejoyisawayofbeing,notafleetingemotion.Whattheyhadcultivatedintheirlongliveswasthatenduringtraitofjoyfulness.Theyhadwarnedusthatwecannotpursuejoyasanendinitself,orwewillmissthebus.Joycomes,rather,fromdailythoughts,feelings,andactions.Andtheyhadtoldusrepeatedlytheactionthatgetsusonthebus:bringingjoytoothers.

Atthecar,thetwoold,mischievousfriendswerejokingandlaughingagain.TheDalaiLamawasrubbingtheArchbishop’shandtenderlythroughtheopenwindowofthecar.Icouldstillseethesignsofworry,orperhapsitwasjustsadnessatsayinggoodbye.Astheenginestartedtohum,theDalaiLamalookedattheArchbishopinthecar,stayingwithhimtothelastminutesofhisvisit.Heputthepalmsofhishandstogetherinfrontofhisfaceandbowedhisheadforwardinasignofdeeprespectandaffection.

Themotorcadetotheairportbegantomove,andtheDalaiLamastillstood,bowedslightlyforward,eyestwinkling,andfingerswavinggoodbyebrightly,aschildrendo.Aswedroveaway,theArchbishoplookedbackthroughthewindowoftheSUVandgaveonelastsmileand

Tlaughtohisimprobableandinvaluablefriend.

•••

henextdaytherestofthefilmcrewflewoutoftheairportinDharamsalaonaclearday.Forty-fivesecondsaftertheirplanetook

off,anenormous7.8magnitudeearthquakestruckinNepal.Thedevastationwasenormousandthetremorswerefeltallthewayin

Dharamsala.Wethoughtofallthepeopleweknewandcaredforintheregionandwemournedthethousandswhohaddied.Wewitnessedaspeoplefromallaroundtheworldpouredintohelpthedisplaced,repairthebroken,andhealthethousandswhowerewounded.ItwashardnottothinkoftheDalaiLama’scommentonthefirstdayofthedialoguesthatthesufferingofnaturaldisasterswecannotstop,butsomuchoftherestofoursufferingwecan.Adversity,illness,anddeatharerealandinevitable.Wechoosewhethertoaddtotheseunavoidablefactsoflifewiththesufferingwecreateinourownmindsandhearts,thechosensuffering.Themorewemakeadifferentchoice,tohealourownsuffering,themorewecanturntoothersandhelptoaddresstheirsufferingwiththelaughter-filled,tear-stainedeyesoftheheart.Andthemoreweturnawayfromourself-regardtowipethetearsfromtheeyesofanother,themore—incredibly—weareabletobear,toheal,andtotranscendourownsuffering.Thiswastheirtruesecrettojoy.

JoyPractices

DEVELOPINGMENTALIMMUNITY

MORNINGINTENTIONSETTING

OVERCOMINGTHEOBSTACLESTOJOYFocusandStressRelief—ABreathingPracticeMorningMeditationWalkorExerciseFear,Anger,andSadness—AnAnalyticMeditationFrustrationandAnger—APrayerLoneliness—ACommonHumanityPracticeEnvy—AMuditaPracticeSuffering,Adversity,andIllness—ALojongPracticeSuffering,Adversity,andIllnessofOthers—ATonglenPracticeSilentRetreatDeathMeditation

CULTIVATINGTHEEIGHTPILLARSOFJOYPerspective—ASelf-DistancingPracticeHumility—ALojongPracticeLaughingatOurselvestoDevelopHumorAcceptance—AMeditationTheFourfoldPathofForgivenessJournalingforGratitudeCompassionMeditationCompassion—APrayerCompassion—AFastGenerosityPracticesJoyMeditation—TheEightPillars

REJOICINGINYOURDAY

RELATIONSHIPANDCOMMUNITY—THEGREATESTJOY

DEVELOPING MENTAL IMMUNITY

Duringtheweek,astheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopjokedaboutwhogotuptooearlyandwhowasprayingandmeditatingtoomuch,itwasclearthatbothbelievedstronglythatspiritualpracticesweretheessentialgroundoftheirbeing,sustainingandsupportingthemthroughtheirlives.

Thesedailytimesofprayerandmeditationkeptthesetwomastersinspiritualalignment.IthoughtaboutwhattheArchbishophadsaidabouttheevengreaterimportanceofthesepracticesforthosewhoarenotspiritualteachersbutwhomustliveanddieintheblurandbuzzofthemarketplace.Duringtheweek,wehadhadachancetodiscusssomeofthespiritualpracticesthathelptocultivateandsustaintheirjoy.

Herewepresentsomesimplepracticesthatcanhelpovercometheobstaclestojoyandsupporttheeightpillarsofjoy.WehavebookendedthissectionwithpracticesthatTibetanBuddhistmonkstypicallydoatthebeginningandendofeachday.Theotherpracticescanbetriedonaregularbasisorwhenneeded.Likephysicalexercises,spiritualpracticesarenotendsinthemselves.Theyexisttosupportourmentalhealthandmentalimmunity.Themorewepractice,themorewebenefit.Thereisnospiritualcompetition.Dowhateveryouneedtoadaptthemtoyourlifeformaximumbenefit.(RemembertheDalaiLamaadaptinghismorningpracticetoaccommodatehisagingknees.)

AstheDalaiLamasaid,hefindsthescienceverymotivatingwhenheistryingtodecidewhethertowakeuporhitthesnoozebutton.EarlierwementionedDanielSiegel’sexplanationofthebrainonmeditation.ItseemsthatweareliterallyusingourattentionandawarenesstoestablishneuralfiringpatternsthathelpthebrainavoidthedestructivereactivitythattheDalaiLamasaidwassotoxictoourmentalandphysicalhealth.Manyofthesepracticesappeartointegrateandharmonizethebrainsothatwecanrespondtotheinevitablechallengesoflifewithlessfragmentationandmoreintegration,lessfearandangerandmoreeaseandjoy.

Inourageofinstantgratification,anyinformationcanbegoogledinamatterofseconds,butrealknowledgeandwisdomtaketime.These

practicesrewardanddeepenthroughcontinuedeffort.Usuallywhenwestartmeditatingorpraying,wecanexperiencewhattheArchbishophascalled“spiritualsweets,”orthetinglingandcalmingthatcomesfrombeginningtopayattentiontoourinnerlife.Likesweets,thesearetasty,buttherealbenefitsoccuraswecreateatemporalcontainerintowhichwecanpourourheartandsoulasweexperiencethejoysandsorrowsoflife.

Thenatureofcontemplativelifeisthatitisverypersonal,andnotallpracticeswillworkforallpeople.Findwhatworksbestforyou.Whatispresentedherearesimplysamplepractices,includingmanythattheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopuse.Wehopethesewillinspireyourownpractice.

MORNING INTENTION SETTING

Everyconsciousactionbeginswithintention,whichissimplysettinggoals.ManyTibetanmonksdothiseachmorningasawayofpreparingtheirmindandheartforhowtheywishtofacetheday.Theyalsocheckinwiththeirintentionsregularly,whenpreparingtositinmeditationorwhenundertakinganyimportanttask.Anotherwaytofocusyourintentionsistoreadshortinspirationalpassagesthatsupportyourhighestideals.TheArchbishopcelebratestheEucharisteachmorning,whichinvolvesreading(andpondering)Biblicalpassages.Heobservestheliturgiesofthehours(morning,noonday,andeveningprayer),forwhichthereareacycleofdesignatedreadings.Healsolikestoreadpassagesfromthegreatmysticstoguidehisheartandmind.

1. Sitcomfortably,eitheronachairwiththesolesofyourfeetonthegroundorcross-legged.Youcanalsodothisexercisewhilestilllyinginbedbeforegettingupinthemorning—afterthealarmgoesoffandbeforetherushofthedayhasbegun.Youcanrestyourhandsonyourlegsoronyourbelly.

2. Closeyoureyesandtakeseverallongbreathsthroughyournose.Feelyourstomachriseandfallasyoubreathefromyourdiaphragm.

3. Nowaskyourself:“Whatismyheart’sdesire?WhatdoIwishformyself,formylovedones,andfortheworld?”Ourdeepestdesiresusuallyliebeyondourtemporarywishesandwants.Theyarelikelytoinvolvelivingwithprofoundhumanvaluesthatleadtoourgreatesthappiness,callingusbacktoourplacewithinthefabricoflife.TheDalaiLamahasasimplewayoftestingourintentions:“Isitjustforme,orforothers?Forthebenefitofthefew,orforthemany?Fornow,orforthefuture?”Thislitmustestcanhelpguideustowardwhatwetrulywishfor.

4. Thenstateyourintentionfortheday.Forexample:“TodaymayIgreeteveryonewiththelovethatisinmyheart.”Or“TodaymayIbelessjudgmental.”Or“TodaymayIbepatientandlovingwithmychildren.”Itcanbespecificoritcanbegeneral.Ifyoudonotknowyourintention,youcanrepeatthefollowingfourlinesadaptedfromthetraditionalTibetanprayeroftheFourImmeasurables,whichhasguidedmanyontheirjourneytomorecompassionandgreaterhappiness:

Mayallbeingsattainhappiness.Mayallbeingsbefreefromsuffering.Mayallbeingsneverbeseparatedfromjoy.Mayallbeingsabideinequanimity.

OVERCOMING THE OBSTACLES TO JOY

FocusandStressRelief—ABreathingPracticeOurbreathissoimportantasafocusofspiritualpracticeinmany

religioustraditionsbecauseitisthehingebetweenourselfandtheworld.Ourbreathisinternal,butitisalsoexternal.Breathisalsobothvoluntaryandinvoluntary.Itisthereforeanidealdoorwaythroughwhichwecandevelopourself-cultivation.Focus,asyoumayremember,issoimportantthatneuroscientistRichardDavidsonfoundthatoneofthefourneuralcircuitsofwell-beingwasdedicatedtoourabilitytofocusthemind.Simplyobservingquiettime,whichtheArchbishopmaintainsinthepredawnhours,afternoon,andevening,isanotherwaytofocusourmind,relievestress,andconcentrateonwhatmattersmost.

1. Findaquietplacewhereyoucanpracticeconsistently.Thiswaythephysicalspace—aroom,acorner,acushion—willhelpsignaltoyourbodythatthisisatimeforyourpractice.

2. Sitcomfortably.Ifyouaresittingonacushionorchair,trytoleanslightlyforward,awayfromthebackofthechairsothatyourbackwillbestraight.Ifyouhavechronicbackpain,adjustasnecessary.

3. Closeyoureyesorkeepthemslightlyopeninarestfulposition.

4. Placeyourhandsgentlyonyourkneesorinyourlap.5. Focusyourattentiononyourbreath.6. Breatheindeeplythroughyournoseasyourbellyexpands.

Asajugofwaterfillsfromthebottom,yourlungsshouldalsofillfromthebottom.

7. Breatheoutslowly.8. Oneachinhalationyoucanthinkin,andoneachexhalation

youcanthinkout.Alternatively,youcancounteachbreathaftereachexhalation.

9. Youcancountoutfivetotenbreathsandthenrepeat.Ifyouloseyourfocusandyourmindbeginstowander,asmindsdo,justgentlybringyourattentionbacktoyourbreath.Youcanstartbydoingthisforfivetotenminutesandextendthetimeasyourpracticedevelops.

10. Ifyouarefeelingparticularlystressed,youcanimagineeachbreathbringingincalmingcoolairanditspreadingthroughoutyourbody.Then,asyoureleaseyourbreath,youcanimaginethestressleavingyourbodyfromtheneck,shoulders,back,tummy,orwhereveryoutendtoholdontostress.

MorningMeditationWalkorExerciseTheArchbishoptakesamorningmeditationwalkorconstitutional

eachmorning,andhecontinuedtodosothroughouttheanti-apartheidstruggle,evenwhenheexperienceddeaththreats.IhadtheopportunitytoaccompanyhimononeofhismeditationwalkswhenwewereworkingtogetherinFlorida.Wewalkedsilentlyforhalfanhourwhenthewalkwayabruptlyendedatawall.Iwillneverforgetseeinghimwalkrightuptotheveryendofthepath,righttothewall,sothathisnosewaspracticallytouchingit.ItwasatthatmomentIsawthemanwhowaswillingtowalkaroundtheworldtoendapartheid,noshortcuts,noturningback,goingtothevery,veryend.Walking,hiking,running,oranyotherexercisecanbemadeintoameditativeexperience.Thekeyistoavoidallexternaldistractionsliketalking,music,ortelevision.Thegoalissimplytolistentothewisdomofthespiritthatoftencomesthroughthewisdomofthebody.

Fear,Anger,andSadness—AnAnalyticMeditationAstheDalaiLamasaid,fear,anger,andsadnessarenaturalhuman

responses.Fearandangerarenaturalstressresponses,andtheseemotionscarryimportantinformationforus.Sadness,too,cantellusthatweareunhappywithsomethinginourlife.Thesethreeemotionsnodoubtevolvedtomotivateustochangeoursituation.AstheArchbishopsaid,tobehumanistofeel,andtheseemotionswillariseattimes,regardlessofourspiritualmastery.Yetrespondingtoasituationconstantlywithfear,anger,orsadnesstendstoperpetuatenegativeenergy.Itistheirrational

andobsessivecomponentsoftheseemotionsthataredestructive.Meditationisaprofoundwaytodevelopourabilitytoescapeourfight-or-flightreflexandextendthepausebetweenstimulusandresponsetoactwithintentionratherthanjustreactoutofemotion.

“Theword‘meditation’isquitevast,”explainedtheDalaiLama.“Oneformofmeditation,forexample,involvesthoughtlessness.WhenIpullbackthecurtainsinthemorningandIseepigeonsonthewindowsill,Ireallythinkthosepigeonsarealsodoingsomethingsimilartothiskindofmeditation.Theyarenotasleepbutinastateofthoughtlessness.Thereisalsomeditationthatinvolvesmaintainingfocusedattention.Forexample,forreligiousbelievers,single-pointedfocusonGodisaverypowerfulwaytomeditateandtoquietthemind.

“Now,inmyownpracticeIengagemostlyinanalyticalmeditation.Thisisaformofmentalinvestigationwhereyoucanseeyourthoughtsasthoughtsandlearnnottobechainedtothem,nottoidentifywiththem.Youcometorecognizethatyourthoughtsdonotnecessarilyreflectthetruth.Inanalyticalmeditation,youareconstantlyasking,Whatisreality?Whatisthatself,or‘I,’thatweholdsodearandthatisthefocusofsomuchofourconcern?Inanalyticmeditation,wecontemplateonimpermanenceandonthetransientnatureofourexistence.

“Someformsofmeditationarejusttryingtocreateastateofthoughtlessness.Thisworkslikeapainkiller,wherefearandangergoawayforashortmomentbutthencomebackwhenthemeditationends.Withanalyticalmeditation,wecangettotherootcauseofthefearortheanger.Wecandiscover,forexample,thatninetypercentofourangerismentalprojection.Wecandiscoverthattheangrywordswereinthepastandnolongerexist,exceptinourmemory.Whenyouthinkaboutthesethings,theintensityoftheangerreducesandyoudevelopyourmentalimmunitysothatangerarisesless.

“Manypeoplethinkthatmeditationsimplymeanssittingandclosingyoureyes,”theDalaiLamacontinued,closinghiseyesandtakingastiffposture.“Thatkindofmeditationevenmycatcando.Hesitsthereverycalmlypurring.Ifaratcomesby,ithasnothingtoworryabout.WeTibetansoftenrecitemantrassomuch,likeOmManiPadmeHum,a

mantrainvokingthenameoftheBuddhaofCompassion,thatweforgettoreallyinvestigatetherootcausesofoursuffering.MaybemypurringcatisactuallyrecitingOmManiPadmeHum.”TheDalaiLamalaughedhardatthethoughtofhisdevoutTibetanBuddhistcat.Nothing,notevenoneofthemostsacredphrasesoftheBuddhisttradition,wasabovehisanalyticinvestigationsandhissenseofhumor.TheDalaiLamawasinterestedintruthwhereveritmightlie,andanalyticalmeditationwasoneofhismosteffectivetoolsfordiscerningit.

1. Sitcomfortably.2. Youcancloseyoureyesorkeepthemopen.Ifyoukeepthem

open,keepyourgazesoftandyourfocusinward.WhentheDalaiLamameditates,hiseyesremainopenbutwithhisgazepointedslightlydownward,notlookingatanythingspecifically.

3. Nowpickatopicorexperiencethatistroublingyou,orsimplywatchyourthoughtsandfeelingsariseandrecognizethattheyaretemporary,withoutjudgingoridentifyingwiththem.Somewillbebrightandpleasantandsomewillbedarkandstormy,buttheyallpassintime.Letthemfloatthroughyourmindlikecloudsinthesky.

4. Nowaskyourself,“Ismythoughttrue?HowdoIknowforsure?Doesithelpthesituation?Isthereabetterwayofthinkingaboutitorapproachingthesituation?”Let’slookathowwemightanalyzethethreefundamental,andoftenchallenging,negativehumanemotions.

Forfear,itcanhelptofacethefeardirectly.Youcanthinkoftheworstthingthatcouldhappenifyourfearcomestrue.Now,couldyouoryourlovedonesurvivewhatmighthappen?Coulditactuallybebeneficialforyouoryourlovedones?Whatcouldyouortheylearnifthisweretohappen?Howmightthisallowyouorthem

togrowanddeepenasaperson?Forexample,perhapsyouareworriedaboutyourchildwhoisstrugglinginschoolandyouareafraidthatsomebadoutcomewillcometopass.Askyourself,“Isittruethatthisoutcomewilldefinitelyhappen?HowdoIknowforsure?Doesmyworryhelpthesituation?Isthereabetterwayofthinkingaboutitorapproachingthesituation?Whatmightmychildlearnfromthisexperience?Howmighttheygrowanddevelopasaperson?”Whenweturnandembracewhatwefear,itlosesitspowertofrightenus.Wenolongerneedtofightit,butcaninsteadworkwithit.Foranger,youcanaskyourselfwhatisitsuse?ItmayhelptothinkoftheDalaiLama’sstoryofhisdriver,whowassoangryaboutbanginghisheadintothefenderofthecarthathebangedhisheadintothefenderofthecar.Angerofteninvolvessomedisappointmentorfrustratedexpectation.Askyourself,“Whatwasmyexpectation?CanIreleaseitandacceptwhatisorhowothersareratherthanhowIthinktheyshouldbe?CanIalsoacknowledgemypartintheconflict?CanIseemypartincontributingtothesituationIamangryabout?IfIamangryaboutwhathasbeensaid,canIseethatthesearejustwordsthatnolongerexist,that,likeallthings,theyareimpermanent?Willmyangerbenefitanyone,includingme?”Youcouldalsoreflectonhow,ifnotcontained,angercanleadtodestructiveaction—fromsayinghurtfulthingstooutrightviolence—thatwelaterregret.Contemplatehowangercandestroyrelationships,alienateothers,androbyouofyourpeaceofmind.Forsadness,wecanreachoutforcomfortorcountourblessings.Aswesaw,sadnessisanemotionthatexpressesourneedforoneanother,andoursorrowsarehalvedwhenshared.Wecanalsorecognizethatwhile

sadnessmaylastlongerthanotheremotions,it,too,willpass.Alllife,thesadnessandsorrowincluded,isimpermanentandwillend.Therearealwaysgoingtobehighsandlowsinanylife,inanyyear,inanyday.Somuchofourmoodcomesfromwhatwefocuson.Wecanchoosetofocusonwhatisgoingwellforusandforthepeopleinourlife.AstheArchbishopsaid,wecancountourblessings.Byputtingourattentiononthethingswearegratefulfor,wecanshifthowmuchtimewespendinsadnessandhowquicklywereturntojoy.TheDalaiLama’sabilitytofocusonwhathasbeenenrichingaboutlifeinexileratherthanallthathasbeenlosthasallowedhimtogobeyondsadness,grief,andevendespair.

FrustrationandAnger—APrayerDuringthedaysofapartheid,theArchbishopwouldpraydailyforthe

governmentofficialswhoweremaintainingtheoppressivesystem.Heprayedforthemtotransformtheirheartsandtotransformtheracistsystemthattheycreated,buthealsoprayedsincerelyfortheirwell-being.Ithelpedhimtolovethemratherthanhatethem,andultimatelymadeitpossibletoworkwiththemtohelptransitionthecountrytodemocracy.

1. Closeyoureyesandturnyourattentioninward.2. Thinkofthepersonwhoisupsettingyouandsayaprayer

forthem.Prayfortheirjoyandhappiness.Sincerelywishthemwell.SeethemasachildofGoddeservingofGod’slove,orasanotherhumanbeingwhosharesyourdesiretobehappyandavoidsuffering.

3. Trytodothiseachdayfortwoweeks.Seehowyourrelationshipistransformed.

Loneliness—ACommonHumanityPracticeTheDalaiLamaspeaksconstantlyofourcommonhumanityatthe

“firstlevel.”Thethingsthatdivideus(ourethnicity,ourrace,ournationality,evenourgender)aremuchlesssignificantthanthethingsthatuniteus:ourcommonhumanity,ourhumanemotions,andourfundamentaldesiretobehappyandavoidsuffering.Becauseweeachhaveahumanbody,ahumanbrain,andahumanheart,weeachhavethesamehumanlongings,and,astheArchbishopoftenpointsout,thesamehumanfrailtiesandvulnerabilities.Thecommonhumanitypracticeremindsusthatdespiteappearancesandourfearsofrejection,wearereallydeeplyconnectedevenwhenwedonotseeit.

TheArchbishopwasbornjustashortdistancefromtheCradleofHumankind,theplacewhereourspeciesissupposedtohaveoriginated.Inamerethousandgenerations,wehavespreadallacrosstheworld.AstheArchbishophassaid,“Weareallcousins,really,perhapsjustafewthousandtimesremoved.”

1. Thinkofsomeoneyoulove—achild,parent,closefriend,orevenacherishedpet.Bringtheirimageintoyourmindandallowyourselftofeelthelovethatyouhaveforthem.Noticethesenseofwarmthandopenheartednessthatcomesfromfeelingyourloveforthem.

2. Imaginetheirdesiretobehappyandtoavoidsuffering.Reflectonhowtheylivetheirlifetoachievetheseaspirations.

3. Thinkofsomeoneyouknowbutdonotknowwell.Youcouldthinkofacolleagueatyourjob,someoneinyourclassatschool,orsomeonewhoworksatoneofthestoreswhereyoushop.Allowyourselftorecognizehowyourfeelingsforthispersonaredifferentfromthefeelingsyouhaveforthepersonyoujusthadinmind.Weoftendonotfeelempathyorconnectionforthosewhoweconsiderstrangers.Perhapsyoufeelindifference,perhapsasenseofseparation,orperhapsevenjudgment.Nowtrytoimaginebeingthisperson.Imagine

theirlife,theirhopes,theirdreams,theirfears,theirdisappointments,andtheirsuffering.Recognizethat,justlikeyou,theywishtoachievehappinessandtoavoideventheslightestsuffering.Letyourminddwellinthisrealizationandunderstandthatyoudonotneedanintroductionbecauseyoualreadysharethegreatestbond—yourhumanity.Theymaybejustaslonelyasyou,andyourreachingouttothemmightbeagifttothem.

4. Takethisawarenessintotheworld.Startlivingfromthisnewfoundconnectionbyopeningyourhearttothosearoundyou.Youcanstartbysmilingoracknowledgingtheotherpersonbylookingatthemwarmlyandnoddingyourhead.Differentcultureshavedifferentwaysofacknowledgingothers,butfindwhatisappropriateinyoursituationandbegingreetingyourhumanfamily.Donotgetdiscouragedifsomearesufferingfromtheirownlonelinessandisolationanddonotacknowledgeyou.Youcanhaveempathyfromyourownfeelingsofloneliness.Greettheworldwithgreatertrust,kindness,andcompassion,andtheworldwillgreetyouwithgreatertrust,kindness,andcompassion.Whenyousmileattheworld,theworlddoestendtosmileback.

Envy—AMuditaPracticeWhenweareenvious,wehaveanaggingsenseofdissatisfactionthat

effacesjoy,asweareabletoseeonlywhatwedonothaveandnotwhatwedohave.Envyisapoisontingedwithguiltandself-criticism.Itkillsourhappinessandemptiestheworldofitsrichesandwonders.Aswiththecommonhumanitypracticeabove,Buddhismhasapracticethatbreaksdownthebondsofisolationandjealousythatkeepusseparated:Itiscalledmudita,thepracticeofrejoicinginothers’goodfortune.Justasaparentcanrejoiceinthegoodfortuneoftheirchild,wecanrejoiceinthegoodfortuneofotherswhenweexpandouridentitytoincludethem

andwhenweopenourhearttoexperiencetheirjoyasourown.

1. Imaginethepersonwhohassomethingthatyouenvy.2. Recognizeyoursharedhumanity.Youcanrefertothe

previouspracticeorsimplyfocusonthehopes,dreams,fears,disappointments,andsufferingofthepersonyouenvy.Recognizethat,justlikeyou,thepersonyouenvywishestoachievehappinessandtoavoideventheslightestsuffering.

3. Imaginehowhappywhattheyhavemustmakethem.Thinkaboutwhatitmustmeantothemandtotheirfamilythattheyhavewhatyouenvy.Thecar,thehouse,orthepositionmaybeasourceofgreatsatisfaction.Trytoexpandyourhearttoincludethemandtheirgoodfortune.Rejoiceintheirgoodfortune.Rejoiceinthefactthattheydonotneedyourhelpbecausetheyhavehelpedthemselves.

Suffering,Adversity,andIllness—ALojongPracticeAfundamentalpremiseofTibetanmindtraining,orlojong,istotake

whateversufferingandadversityyouexperienceintoyourspiritualpracticeanduseittohelpyougrowanddevelop.Let’ssayyouhaveadifficultboss.Youcanseethisasachallengetobecomemoreresponsible,tougher,andmoreresilient.Ifyouareinacaraccidentandyourcarwastotaled,ratherthanfocusingonthelossofyourcar,youcanbegratefulthatyouwerenotharmed.Ifyouexperienceafinancialcrisis,orevenbankruptcy,youcanseetheexperienceasanopportunitytoempathizewithotherswhoaregoingthroughsimilarhardshipandtoexpandyourcapacityforempathyandcompassion.AstheArchbishopsaid,therearesomeaspectsofempathyandcompassionthatcanonlybediscoveredthroughsuffering.

1. Thinkofwhereyouareexperiencingsufferingoradversity.2. Thinkofotherswhoareexperiencingthesamesituation.

Canyouthinkofotherswhomightbeinasimilarsituationorareperhapsevenworseoff?Canyoufeelempathyandcompassionforthem?

3. Howmightthissituationbeusefultoyou?Whatmightbegainedfromthisexperience?Whatlessonscanbelearned?Howmightthiscircumstancehelpyougrowandmatureasaperson?

4. Trytofeelgratefulfortheopportunitythatthissufferingandadversityhasgivenyou.

5. Trysayingthesentence:“Maymysufferingspareothersfromasimilarsuffering.”Howcanyouuseyoursufferingtoalleviatethesufferingofothers?Canyouractionshelptopreventothersfromexperiencingsimilarsuffering,orcontributetoreducingthesufferingofothers?

Suffering,Adversity,andIllnessofOthers—ATonglenPracticeThefamoustonglenpracticeallowsustobepresentandhelpfulto

otherswhentheyaresuffering,facingadversity,orconfrontingillness.ThispracticeistheculminationoftheCompassionCultivationTrainingandisbasedonawidespreadandpowerfulBuddhistpractice.Inthispractice,wetakesufferingfromothersandofferourlove,ourcourage,ourstrength,andourjoy.InAFearlessHeart,Jinpatellsapowerfulstoryoftonglen:OnepersonwhotooktheCompassionCultivationTrainingwasahospitalchaplainwhorecountedhowthepracticehadhelpedherwhenshewascalledtotheemergencyroombecauseofadrowningaccidentinvolvingachild.

“IfeltmyselfcringeinwardlybecauseIknewthemagnitudeofthiskindofsituation—thehardestcallforallconcernediswhenitinvolvesachild.IprayedforstrengthasIhurriedtowardtheER.TheRNtoldmetherewereactuallytwochildren,siblings,anddoctorswereperformingCPRbutitdidn’tlookgoodatall.IfeltmywholebodytightenasI

enteredtheroomtoseetheyoungmotherbentoverandsobbingfromthedepthsofherbeing....Ifeltoverwhelmed,asifIwasgoingtocollapseundertheweightofthesufferingandmytask.WhatcouldIoffer?ThenIrememberedthe“givingandreceiving”techniqueoftonglen....SoIbreathedinthesufferingasifitwereadarkcloudandbreathedoutgoldenlightfrommyheartintotheroomandtoeveryoneIencountered.Awholenewlevelofintegrationhappened.Icouldopentotheexperienceofsufferingandfoundsomethingnecessaryandprecioustosustainme.ThesufferingbecamefluidwitheachbreathandwashedovermesothatIbegantobecomeunstuck.Ibegantofeeltheliberationofnotbeingtrappedintheexperienceofsufferingbutthefreedomthathappenedasaresultofactivelyengaginginit.”

Tonglencanalsobeusedtoreduceourownsufferingbyfreeingusfromourownexcessiveself-concernandfocusingourattentiononothers.Jinpatellsanotherstory,aboutTibetanmusicianNawangKhechog,whosufferedahorriblecaraccidentandhadtohavemultiplelife-savingsurgeries.Itwastonglenpracticethathadsustainedhimduringtheweeksofpainandofnotknowingwhetherhewouldlive.Hewouldspendhoursinbedthinkingofotherswhowereexperiencingphysicalandemotionalpain.Hewouldbreatheintheirsufferingandbreatheouthiscompassionandconcernfortheirrecovery.Khechogrecoveredcompletelyandwasabletoreturntoplayingmusic.

Tonglencanallowustobecomeoasesofpeaceandhealing.TheDalaiLamausedthispracticetotransformnotonlythesufferingoftheTibetanprotesterswhowerebeinginjuredduringthe2008demonstrationsinTibetbutalsotheangerandhatredoftheChinesesoldierswhowerecrackingdownontheprotesters.AstheDalaiLamaexplained,whetherornotitactuallyhelpedthoseontheground,ittransformedhisrelationshiptothesufferingandallowedhimtorespondmoreeffectively.

1. Beginbysettlingyourmindwithseverallongbreathsthroughyournose.

2. Thinkofsomeonewhoissuffering.Youcanchoosealoved

one,afriend,orevenawholegroupofpeople,suchasrefugees.

3. Reflectonthefactthat,justlikeyou,theywishtoovercomesufferingandtobejoyful.Trytofeelasenseofconcernforthewell-beingofthepersonorgroupyouarefocusingon.Feeldeepwithinyourheartthedesireforthemtobefreeofsuffering.

4. Takingtheirsuffering.Asyouinhale,imaginethepainbeingdrawnfromtheirbodyanddissolvingwhenitencountersthewarmthandbrightlightofyourcompassionateheart.Youcanseetheirpainasdarkcloudsthataredissolvingastheyencounterthebrightlightofyourheart.Iftheideaoftakinginothers’sufferingisconcerningorunsettling,youcanimaginetheirsufferingdissolvingintoabrightorboflightinfrontofyouthatisradiatingoutfromyourcompassionateheart.

5. Giveoutyourjoy.Asyouexhale,imaginethatyouaresendingthepersonraysoflightfilledwithyourloveandcompassion,yourcourageandyourconfidence,yourstrengthandyourjoy.

6. Repeatthispracticeoftakingthesufferingandtransformingitbygivingyourjoy.Ifyouhavedonethispracticeforanindividualorlovedone,youcanextendthepracticetootherswhoaresufferingallaroundtheworld.Ifyouaretakingthesufferingofsomeonewhoisbeingharmedbyothers,youcantakethecrueltyandhatredthatiscausingtheharmandgiveyourloveandkindness.Ifyoufeelable,youcanpracticetakingonthesufferingofallbeingsandgivingthemyourcompassionandyourjoy.Stayquietasyourloveandjoyradiateoutfromyourheart.

SilentRetreatTheArchbishoponceortwiceayeargoesonaseven-toten-daysilent

retreat.Hewillworkwithaspiritualdirectorwhowilldesignaretreattomeethisneeds.FortheArchbishop,thesilentretreatisanundisturbedtimeforintensiveprayer,reflection,self-examination,anddeeprest.RetreatisalsoanimportantfeatureoftheDalaiLama’slife.Inadditiontoseveralshorterretreatsathisresidence,healsospendsamonthinretreatduringthemonsoonsummer,mostlyinLadakh.Inthewhirlingblurofourlives,thesetimesofretreatareevenmoreimportantthanever.Youdon’tneedtobeaworldleadertoneedone.

DeathMeditationAllspiritualtraditionsremindusthatdeathisanunavoidablepartof

ourlife,andcontemplatingourownmortalitycanhelpbringasenseofurgency,asenseofperspective,andasenseofgratitude.St.Benedictfamouslysaid,“Keepdeathbeforeyoureyes.”Likeallfears,thefearofdeathgrowsintheshadows.Deathistheultimatereminderofimpermanenceandtheephemeralityofalllife.Itcanhelpusrememberthattherearenodaystowasteandthateverymomentmatters.ThisdeathmeditationismuchlessinvolvedthantheonethattheDalaiLamadescribed,butitsharesthesamegoal:usingthereminderofdeathtohelpusbetrulyalive.

1. Reflectonthewords:“Anythingthathasabirthhasadeath,andIamnoexception.”

2. Considerthefollowing:“Therearemanyconditionsthatcanleadtodeath.Deathcanneverbestopped.Nothingcanpreventtheinevitable.”

3. Nowimaginethatyouareonyourdeathbed.Askyourselfthefollowingquestions:“HaveIlovedothers?HaveIbroughtjoyandcompassiontoothers?Hasmylifematteredtoothers?”

4. Imagineyourfuneral.Imagineyourlovedonesmakingpreparationsforyourfuneralandreferringtoyouas“thelateso-and-so.”

5. Reflectonwhatpeoplewouldsayaboutyou.Areyouhappywithwhattheymightsay?Whatmightyouneedtochangenowtochangewhatwillbesaidthen?

6. Concludewiththeresolve“Ishallalwayslivemylifewithpurpose.Timeneverremainsstill,andit’suptometousemytimeinthemostmeaningfulway.IshallliveinharmonywithmydeeperaspirationssothatwhenmyfinaldayarrivesIwillbeabletoleavewitheaseandwithoutremorse.”

CULTIVATING THE EIGHT PILLARS OF JOY

Perspective—ASelf-DistancingPracticeManyofthepracticesalreadyofferedareusefulforcultivating

perspective.Meditativepracticesworktoshiftourperspectivefromourreactiveemotionalbraintoourmorereflective,moreevolvedhigher-braincenters.Gettinga“widerperspective,”astheDalaiLamacallsit,ispossiblebysteppingbackfromoursituationtoseethebiggerpicture.Scientistshavecalledthispractice“self-distancing,”anditallowsustothinkmoreclearlyaboutourproblems,aswellastoreduceourstressresponseandournegativeemotions.Thisbroaderperspectivealsoallowsustogetbeyondourownlimitedandimmediateself-interestandintoaperspectivethattakesintoaccounttheinterestsofothers.AstheArchbishopsays,itallowsustoseewhatservesallofGod’schildrenwhenwearetakingthis“God’s-eye”perspective.Thisabilitytogobeyondourownself-interestisessentialforanygoodleader,whetherofanation,anorganization,orafamily.

1. Thinkaboutaproblemorsituationthatyouarefacing.2. Describeyourproblemasifitwerehappeningtosomeone

else—usingyournameratherthanthewordsI,me,ormine.3. Imaginethisproblemfromtheperspectiveofaweek,a

year,orevenadecadefromnow.Willthisissueoreventstillhaveanimpactonyou?Willyouevenrememberit?Whatwillyouhavelearnedfromtheexperience?

4. WitnessyourlifefromaGod’s-eye,oruniversal,perspective.Seeyourfearsandyourfrustrationsfromthispointofview.Nowseealloftheotherpeoplewhoareinvolvedashavingequalvalueandbeingworthyofloveandrespect.Thenaskwhatwillservethewhole.

Humility—ALojongPracticeHumilityhelpsustorememberourcommonbondwithothers.Ithelps

ustoavoidisolation,judgment,andindifference.IthelpsusrememberthatweareallequallybelovedchildrenofGod,astheArchbishopwouldsay,andtorememberthatwearejustoneofthesevenbillionpeopleontheplanet.Ithelpsusrememberthatweareallinittogether.

1. Reflectonallthepeoplewhoareresponsibleforyourlife.Thinkofyourparents,whogaveyoulife,yourteacherswhotaughtyou,thepeoplewhogrewyourfoodandwhomadeyourclothes,thecountlessotherswhoareresponsibleforyourhavingthelifethatyouhaveeachandeveryday.Nowthinkofallthosewhodiscoveredandcreatedallofthethingswetakeforgranted,thehousing,thecrops,andthemedicinesthatkeepyoualive.Thinkofalltheancestorswhohadtolive,andsurvive,sothatyoucouldbeborn,whobravedenormoushardshipsothatyoucouldhavethelifethatyoudo.Nowthinkofthefamilyandfriendswhogiveyourlifemeaningandpurpose.

2. Allowyourhearttoopenandexperienceloveandappreciationforallofthesepeople.Experiencetheenormousjoyandappreciationthatcomesfrombeingintouchwithallthathasbeengiventoyou,inrealizinghowdependentweare

onothers,howweakinourseparatenessandyethowstronginourtogetherness.

LaughingatOurselvestoDevelopHumorHumorseemslikesomethingthatisspontaneousandnaturaland

cannotbecultivated,buttheabilitytolaughatourselvesandtoseetherichironiesandfunnyrealitiesinourlivesisactually,likeperspective,somethingthatwecanlearnwithpracticeovertime.

1. Thinkofoneofyourlimitations,humanfaults,orfoibles.Thinkofsomethingaboutyourselfthatisactuallyquitefunnywhenyoucanhavesomeperspective.TheDalaiLamacanlaughathislimitedEnglish.TheArchbishopcanlaughathisbignose.Whatcanyoulaughataboutyourself?Whenyoucanlaughatyourself,youwillletothersfeelclosertoyouandinspirethemtoaccepttheirownlimitations,faults,andfoibles.

2. Laughatyourself.Thenexttimeyouareinasituationwhereyouactinafunnyway,orsaysomethinginafunnyway,orarejustlessthanperfect,chuckleatyourselfandmakeajokeofit.Humorisoneofthebestwaystoendconflict,especiallywhenyouareabletomakefunofyourselforadmitthatyouareoverreactingorbeingsilly.

3. Laughatlife.Thenexttimeyouaredelayedorsomethingdoesnotgoyourway,trybeingamusedbythesituationratherthangettingangryoroutraged.Youwillnoticehowyouramusementputsothersateaseandcanoftensmooththesituation.Similarly,whenyouencountercertainironiesinyourday-to-daylife,trytoseethehumor.

Acceptance—AMeditationAnypossibilityofjoyrequiresanacceptanceofreality.Asthe

ArchbishopandtheDalaiLamabothexplained,thisistheonlyplacefromwhichonecanstarttoworkforchange,personalorglobal.Meditationisapracticethatallowsustoacceptourlifemomentbymomentwithoutjudgmentortheexpectationforlifetobeotherthanwhatitis.

1. Sitcomfortably,eitheronachairwithyourfeetontheground,orcross-legged.Youcanrestyourhandsonyourlegsorinyourlap.

2. Closeyoureyesandtakeseverallongbreathsthroughyournose.Feelyourstomachriseandfallasyoubreatheintoyourbelly.

3. Payattentiontowhatyouheararoundyou.Noticehowtheworldisalivewithsound.Asthoughtsaboutthesenoisesarise—judgments,assessments,irritations—lettheseobservationsandevaluationsdriftaway.

4. Releaseyourfocusonyourbreathand,whilestayinginthepresentmoment,noticeasanythoughtsorfeelingsarise.Perhapsyouwillnoticesomediscomfortinyourbodyorhaveafeelingarise,oryoumayhaveathoughtaboutwhatyouneedtoaccomplishorremembertodotoday.

5. Asthethoughtscomeup,letthemfloatawaywithoutjudgingthemorgettingcaughtupinthem.Begintostartseeingthoughtsasthoughtswithoutidentifyingwiththem.Justobserveeachmomentwithoutjudgment.

6. Thinkofasituationthatyouarehavingahardtimeaccepting.Perhapsitisyourdifficultyfindingajoboralifepartner,oritmaybeafriend’sillnessoracollectiverealitysuchaswar.

7. Remindyourselfthatthisisthenatureofreality.Thesepainfulrealitiesdohappentous,tothosewelove,andinourworld.

8. Acknowledgethefactthatyoucannotknowallthefactors

thathaveledtothisevent.9. Acceptthatwhathashappenedhasalreadyhappened.There

isnothingyoucandotochangethepast.10. Remindyourself:“Inordertomakethemostpositive

contributiontothissituation,Imustaccepttherealityofitsexistence.”

11. Youcanalsochoosetoreciteorreflectononeofthefollowingtwopassages,onefromtheBuddhisttradition,theotherfromtheChristiantradition:

Ifsomethingcanbedoneaboutit,whatneedistherefordejection?Andifnothingcanbedoneaboutit,whatuseisthereforbeingdejected?

—Shantideva,TheWayoftheBodhisattva

God,giveusthegracetoacceptwithserenitythethingsthatcannotbechanged,couragetochangethethingswhichshouldbechanged,andthewisdomtodistinguishtheonefromtheother.

—ReinholdNiebuhr,TheSerenityPrayer

TheFourfoldPathofForgivenessTheArchbishopbecametheworld’sleadingspokespersonon

forgivenesswhenhewasaskedtochairtheTruthandReconciliationCommissioninSouthAfricabythenpresidentNelsonMandela.Overthemanydecadessincethatpioneeringefforttousetruth,forgiveness,andreconciliationtomovebeyondviolentconflict,theArchbishophasbeenasked,howexactlydoweforgive?Whilemostspiritualleaders,includingtheArchbishopandtheDalaiLama,areadamantaboutthe

importanceofforgiveness,veryfewpeopletalkabouttheactualprocessofforgiveness.InTheBookofForgiving,theArchbishopandhisdaughterMphoTutupresentedauniversalfourfoldpathtoforgiveness.Thisstep-by-stepprocesshasbeenmadeavailabletotheworldintheGlobalForgivenessChallenge(forgivenesschallenge.com),andhasnowbeenusedbypeoplefromover170countries.Forgivenesscanbearatherinvolvedprocess,andthosetworesourcesmaybehelpfultothosewhoareworkingtoforgivemajorsourcesofpainandtrauma.Theresourcesalsoaddresshowwecanaskforforgivenessandlearntoforgiveourselves.Thefollowingarethebasicstepsofthefourfoldpath,combinedwithsomeofthelatestneuroscienceresearch.

1. Tellingyourstory.Allforgivenessmustbeginbyfacingthetruth.Youcanwritedowninajournalortellatrustedfriendwhathappened.Tellingyourstoryalsoallowsyoutointegratethememoriesinyourconsciousnessanddefusesomeofyouremotionalreactivity.Tohelphealthememoriesandavoidretraumatizingyourself,itishelpfultoimaginethatyouarewatchingtheeventhappeninamovie.Thiswayyoumayreducethechancesoftriggeringthebrain’sneuralstressresponse.OnescientificprotocolbyEthanKrossandhiscolleaguessuggestsrecallingyourexperiencethisway:Closeyoureyes.Gobacktothetimeandplaceoftheemotionalexperienceandseethesceneinyourmind’seye.Nowtakeafewstepsback.Moveawayfromthesituationtoapointwhereyoucanwatchtheeventunfoldfromadistanceandseeyourselfintheevent,thedistantyou.Watchtheexperienceunfoldasifitwerehappeningtothedistantyoualloveragain.Observeyourdistantself.

2. Namingthehurt.Thefactsarethefacts,buttheseexperiencescausedstrongemotionsandpain,whichareimportanttoname.Asyouwatchthesituationunfoldaroundyourdistantself,trytounderstandhisorherfeelings.Whydidheorshehavethose

feelings?Whatwerethecausesandreasonsforthefeelings?Ifthehurtisfresh,askyourself,“Willthissituationaffectmeintenyears?”Ifthehurtisold,askyourselfwhetheryouwanttocontinuetocarrythispainorwhetheryouwanttofreeyourselffromthispainandsuffering.

3. Grantingforgiveness.Theabilitytoforgivecomesfromtherecognitionofoursharedhumanityandtheacknowledgmentthat,inevitably,becausewearehumanwehurtandarehurtbyoneanother.Canyouacceptthehumanityofthepersonwhohurtyouandthefactthattheylikelyhurtyououtoftheirownsuffering?Ifyoucanacceptyoursharedhumanity,thenyoucanreleaseyourpresumedrighttorevengeandcanmovetowardhealingratherthanretaliation.Wealsorecognizethat,especiallybetweenintimates,therecanbemultiplehurts,andweoftenneedtoforgiveandaskforforgivenessatthesametime,acceptingourpartinthehumandrama.

4. Renewingorreleasingtherelationship.Onceyouhaveforgivensomeone,youmustmaketheimportantdecisionofwhetheryouwanttorenewtherelationshiporreleaseit.Ifthetraumaissignificant,thereisnogoingbacktotherelationshipthatyouhadbefore,butthereistheopportunityforanewrelationship.Whenwerenewrelationships,wecanbenefitfromhealingourfamilyorcommunity.Whenwereleasetherelationship,wecanmoveon,especiallyifwecantrulywishthebestforthepersonwhohasharmedus,andrecognizethatthey,likeus,simplywanttoavoidsufferingandbehappyintheirlife.

JournalingforGratitudeGratitude,aswehaveseen,isanextremelyimportantpartofjoy

becauseitallowsustosavorlifeandtorecognizethatmostofourgoodfortuneinlifecomesfromothers.Thegratitudepracticeisverysimple.

Toexpandityoucangobacktothehumilitypractice,whichalsoinvolvesgratitudeandappreciationforallthosewhohavemadeitpossibleforyoutobeyou.Thegratitudepracticebelowismeanttobeoneyoucandodaily,tohelpyouappreciatelargeandsmallblessings.Thispracticecanalsobedoneattheendoftheday,whenreflectingonwhetheryoufulfilledtheintentionyousetinthemorning.Youcanalsodothispracticetogetherwithaspouseorfriend.

1. Closeyoureyesandrecallthreethingsfromyourdayforwhichyouaregrateful.Theycanbeanythingfromthekindnessandgenerosityofafriendtothebountyofamealtothewarmthofthesuntothebeautyofanightsky.Trytobeasspecificasyoucanbeinrecallingwhatyouaregratefulfor.

2. Writethesethreethingsdowninajournal.Whileyoucandothisexerciseinyourhead,keepingalistofwhatyouaregratefulforhasbeenshowntohavemanyphysicalandemotionalbenefitsovertime.Eachtimeyoujournal,trytowritedownthreedifferentthings.Variationisthekeytoeffectivegratitudejournaling.

CompassionMeditationThereisprobablynowordthattheDalaiLamaandtheArchbishopuse

morewhendescribingthequalitiesworthcultivatingthancompassion.Inshort,theDalaiLamafeelsthateducatingourchildrentohavemorecompassionisthesinglemostimportantthingwecandototransformourworld,butwedonotneedtowaitforthenextgenerationtogrowupbeforewecanstarttoexperiencethebenefitsofcompassion.Indeed,cultivatingcompassionforeventenminutesaday,theDalaiLamasaid,canleadtotwenty-fourhoursofjoy.Expandingourcircleofconcernisessentialforbothourwell-beingaswellasthatofourworld.ThefollowingpracticeisadaptedfromtheCompassionCultivationTrainingprogram.Amoreextensiveseriesofcompassionpracticescanbefound

inJinpa’sAFearlessHeart.

1. Findacomfortablesittingposition.2. Takeseverallongbreathsthroughyournoseandfollowthis

withaminuteortwoofbreath-awarenessmeditation.3. Thinkofsomeoneyouloveverymuch,arelativeorfriend

orevenapet.Trytoeitherseetheirfaceinyourmind’seyeorfeeltheirpresence,andnoticehowyourheartfeelswhenyouthinkofthem.

4. Feelwhateverarises.Ifyoufeelwarmth,tenderness,oraffection,staywiththesefeelings.Ifnot,juststaywiththethoughtofyourlovedone.

5. Silentlysaythefollowinglines:Mayyoubefreefromsuffering.Mayyoubehealthy.Mayyoubehappy.Mayyoufindpeaceandjoy.

6. Breathein,andasyoubreatheoutimagineawarmlightcomingfromthecenterofyourheart,carryingyourlovetoyourlovedone,andbringingthempeaceandjoy.

7. Rejoiceinthethoughtofyourlovedone’shappinessforaminuteormore.

8. Rememberwhenthispersonwashavingadifficulttime.9. Noticewhatitfeelsliketoexperiencetheirpain.Doesyour

heartache?Doyouhaveafeelingofuneaseinyourstomach?Oradesiretohelp?Simplynoticethefeelingsandstaywiththem.

10. Silentlyofferthefollowingphrases:Mayyoubefreefromsuffering.Mayyoubehealthy.Mayyoubehappy.Mayyoufindpeaceandjoy.

11. Imaginethatawarmlightemergesfromthecenterofyour

heartandtouchesthepersonyouhaveinmind,easingtheirsuffering.Finishwiththeheartfeltwishthattheybefreeofsuffering.

12. Thinkofatimewhenyouexperiencedgreatdifficultyandsuffering—whenyouwereachild,orperhapsevennow.

13. Placeyourhandonyourheartandnoticefeelingsofwarmth,tenderness,andcaringtowardyourself.

14. Reflectonthefactthatjustlikeallpeople,youwanttobehappyandfreeofsuffering.

15. Silentlyofferthefollowingphrases:MayIbefreefromsuffering.MayIbehealthy.MayIbehappy.MayIfindpeaceandjoy.

16. Imaginesomeoneyouneitherlikenordislike,someoneyoumightseefrequentlyatworkorthestoreorthegymbutdonothavestrongpositiveornegativefeelingstoward.

17. Reflectonthefactthatjustlikeallpeople,thispersonwantstobehappyandfreeofsuffering.

18. Imaginethispersonbeingfacedwithsuffering—inconflictwithalovedoneorexperiencingdespairorgrief.Allowyourhearttofeelwarmth,tenderness,andcaringforthispersonandanurgetohelpthem.

19. Nowsilentlyofferthefollowingphrases:Mayyoubefreefromsuffering.Mayyoubehealthy.Mayyoubehappy.Mayyoufindpeaceandjoy.

20. Reflectonthefactthateveryoneontheplanethasthefundamentaldesiretobehappyandtobefreeofsuffering.

21. Fillyourheartwiththedesirethatallbefreeofsuffering,perhapsevensomeonewithwhomyouhaveadifficultrelationship,andsilentlyrepeatthesephrases:Mayallbeingsbefreefromsuffering.

Mayallbeingsbehealthy.Mayallbeingsbehappy.Mayallbeingsfindpeaceandjoy.

22. Allowyourfeelingsofcompassionandconcerntofillyourheart,andfeelthewarmth,tenderness,andcaring.Radiatethisfeelingofcompassionouttotheworld.

Compassion—APrayerTheArchbishopoftenhasalongprayerlistforthosewhoareinneed.

Thishappensduringdesignatedliturgiesandintimesofpersonalprayer.Thisabilitytoopenourmindandourhearttootherswhoaresuffering,whetherweknowthembynameorfromonlythenews,helpsustoreorientourhearttocompassionfromtheinevitableself-preoccupationsofourday.YoucanaskGodtohelpthem,orsimplyaskthattheybegivenwhattheyneed.YoucanaskGodtoblessthem,orsendthemyourownblessingsthattheywillbemadewholeandmaybehappy.

Compassion—AFastTheArchbishopfastsonaweeklybasis.Fastingnotonlyhelpsus

developdisciplineandself-controlbutalsotofostercompassion,aswhenwefast,weexperiencesomeofthehungerthatothersdonotchoosebutareforcedtoendure.Lettinggoofourfocusonfood,whichisapreoccupationforsomany,canfreemoretimetospendonthoughtandprayer.AstheArchbishopgotolder,hisdoctorsencouragedhimtodrinkduringhisfasts,sohebeganapracticeofhaving“hotchocolatefasts.”Youcanchoosetofastinawaythatmakessenseforyourbody,mind,andheart.

GenerosityPracticesCompassion,aswehavediscussed,isnecessarybutnotsufficient.It

istheimpulsetohelpothers,buttheactionthatfollowsfromthatdesireisgenerosity.Generositypracticesaresoimportantthattheyareformalizedandevenmandatedinmanyoftheworld’sreligions.HerewehavepresentedthreeformsofgivingthatareprescribedinBuddhism,whichinvolvematerialgiving,givingfreedomfromfear,andspiritualgiving.ManyChristianstithetheirincome,givingone-tenthofwhattheyearn,andothersexpandthistogivingone-tenthoftime,talent,andtreasure.Itisinthisregularconcernforothersthatweexperiencethemostjoy.

1. Materialgiving.Thereisnosubstituteforhelpingtolessentheinequalityandinjusticethataresuchenduringfeaturesofourworld.Whetheryoutitheorgivedana,thisisreallythebeginningofweeklyandevendailypracticeofthinkingabouthowyoucangivetoothers.

2. Givingfreedomfromfear.Thiscaninvolvegivingprotection,counsel,orsolace.Thisishowwecangiveourtimeandattentiontoothers.Whoneedsyourpresencetoday?Doyourchildren,yourspouse,yourparents,yourcolleagues,yourfriends,oreventhestrangeronthestreetneedyourcompassionandyourcaring?Towhomcanyoureachouttosupport?

3. Spiritualgiving.Youdon’thavetobeaholymanoraspiritualteachertogiveinthisway.Spiritualgivingcaninvolvegivingwisdomandteachingstothosewhomayneedthem,butitcanalsoinvolvehelpingotherstobemorejoyfulthroughthegenerosityofyourownspirit.Seektobeanoasisofcaringandconcernasyouliveyourlife.Simplysmilingatothersasyouwalkdownthestreetcanmakeanenormousdifferenceinthequalityofhumaninteractioninyourcommunity.Anditisthisinteractionthatismostresponsibleforthequalityofhumanlifeonourincreasinglycrowdedandlonelyplanet,ouraffluentandstillimpoverishedworld.

JoyMeditation—TheEightPillarsThisisameditationthatallowsyoutoreviewtheeightpillarsandto

usethemwhenyouencounteraproblem,confrontpain,orfacesuffering,whetherthesearemajorlifechallengesordailydissatisfaction(ordukkha).Thismeditationismeanttosmooththerideonthebumpyroadoflife.Itbuildsontheearliermeditationsbutcanbeusedindependently.Theeightpillarsarethepracticesthatleadtogreaterinnerpeaceandgreaterjoy.

1. Sitcomfortably.Youcansitinachairwithyourfeetonthefloororcross-legged.Placeyourhandscomfortablyonyourlegsorinyourlap.

2. Takeseverallongbreathsthroughyournose.Letyourbodybegintorelax.Reflectoneachofthepillars,andnoticeasyourbodyrelaxesevenmoreandyourheartfeelslighter.

3. Letyourproblemcometomind.Reflectonthesituation,person,orchallengethatiscausingyoupainorsuffering.

4. Perspective.Seeyourselfandyourproblemfromawiderperspective.Trytostepbackfromyourselfandyourproblem.Seeyourselfandyourstruggleasifyouwerewatchingamovieaboutyourlife.Nowthinkaboutthisproblemfromthefuture,fromayearoradecadefromnow.Recognizethatyourproblemwillpass.Seehowyourproblemshrinksasyouseeitinthewidercontextofyourlife.

5. Humility.Nowseeyourselfasoneofthesevenbillionpeopleandyourproblemaspartofthepainandsufferingthatsomanyhumanbeingsexperience.Youcanseeyourproblemaspartoftheunfoldingandinterdependentdramaoflifeonourplanetandevenseeyourselffromspace,orfromaGod’s-eyeperspective.Seehowdeeplyconnectedwearewithoneanother.Youarepartofthefloweringoftheuniverseinyourparticularplaceandtime.Yourconnectiontoothersmakesyoumuchstrongerandmorecapableofsolvingyourproblem.Let

yourselffeelloveandappreciationforallofthosewhohavecontributedtowhoyouareandwhosupportyouinyourlife.

6. Humor.Smileandseeifyoucanchuckleatyourproblem,atyourshortcomings,atyourfrailties.Trytofindthehumorinthesituationandinyourstruggle.Evenifitisaverygraveorserioussituation,thereisoftensomehumorthatcanbefound.Thehumandramaisoftenacomedy,andlaughteristhesavinggrace.Thisabilitytolaughallowsustoacceptlifeasitis,brokenandimperfect,evenasweaspireforabetterlifeandabetterworld.

7. Acceptance.Acceptthatyouarestrugglingandacceptthatyouhavehumanlimitations.Remindyourselfthatthesepainfulrealitiesdohappentous,tothosewelove,andinourworld.Acknowledgethatyoucannotknowallthefactorsthathaveledtothisevent.Acceptthatwhathashappenedhasalreadyhappenedandthatthereisnothingyoucandotochangethepast.Nowremindyourself:“Inordertomakethemostpositivecontributiontothissituation,Imustaccepttherealityofitsexistence.”

8. Forgiveness.Placeyourhandonyourheartandforgiveyourselfforanypartyouhaveplayedincreatingthisproblemorthissituation.Recognizethatyouareonlyhumanandthatyouwillinevitablyfallshortofyouraspirations.Youwillhurtandbehurtbyothers.Seethesharedhumanityofanyotherswhoareinvolvedandforgivethemfortheirpartandfortheirhumanlimitations.

9. Gratitude.Thinkofthreeormorepeopleorthingsthatyouaregratefulforinthisproblemoryourliferightnow.Canyoufindwaysinwhichyourproblemisactuallycontributingtoyourlifeandgrowth?Aretherepeopleorthingsthataresupportingyoutofacethischallenge?

10. Compassion.Putyourhandonyourheartorplacethepalmsofyourhandstogetheratyourheart.Havecompassionforyourselfandforhowyouarestruggling.Rememberittakes

timetogrowandlearn.Youarenotmeanttobeperfect.Sufferingisinevitable.Itispartofthefabricoflife.Therearegoingtobefrustrationsinanylife.Thegoalistousethemassomethingpositive.Feelthelightofloving-kindnessshiningfromyourheartthroughoutyourbody.Nowsendthatcompassiontoyourlovedones,toanyoneyouarestrugglingwith,andouttoallwhoareinneedofloveandcompassion.

11. Generosity.Feelthedeepgenerositythatisinyourheart.Imagineyourselfradiatingthisgenerosityofthespirittoallaroundyou.Howcanyougiveyourgifts?Howcanyoutransformyourproblemintoanopportunitytogivetoothers?Whenwegivejoytoothers,weexperiencetruejoyourselves.

REJOICING IN YOUR DAY

Howweclosethedayandgotosleepisanimportantpartofourpractice.BothBuddhistandChristianmonks,likepeopleinmanytraditions,haveapracticeofreflectingontheday.St.IgnatiusLoyolacalledittheDailyExamen.BuddhistmonkscallitMakingaDedication.Thepracticehasdifferentaspects,butallinvolvereflectingontheeventsofthedayasawayofnoticingwhetheronehasfulfilledone’sintention,experiencinggratitudeforone’sblessings,andturningtowardthenextdayonthejourneyoflife.Thefollowingisasharedpracticereflectingthemajorfeaturesofthetwotraditions.Ifyouhaveareligiousfaith,youcanadaptthisintoaprayerpracticeinwhichyouareinconversationwiththedivine.Ifyoudonot,youcanfocusonthehighestandbestpartofyourself.

1. Reflectontheday.Beforegoingtobedorwhilelyinginbed,takeafewminutestoreflectonyourday.Considerimportantexperiences,conversations,emotions,andthoughts,althoughitisimportantnottofocustoomuchonwhatyoudidordidnot

do.Thepointissimplytonotethemajorfeaturesofyourdayandtoconsiderwhetheryourdaywasinalignmentwiththeintentionyousetinthemorning.

2. Payattentiontoyouremotionsandacceptyourexperience.Reflectontheemotionsthatcameupduringtheday.Ifnegativethoughtsorfeelingsarise,justbepresentwiththem.Donottrytopushawaythenegativeorgraspafterthepositive.Justacknowledgewhathappened.Ifyouaredisappointedwithsomeaspectofhowyouacted,putyourhandonyourheartandsay,“IacceptmyselfasIam,flawedandhumanlikeeveryoneelse.”Noticewhereyouhavefallenshortofyourintention,becausethatispartofwhatwillallowyoutogrowandlearn.Ifsomethingpainfulhappenedinyourday,youcangentlyacknowledgeitbysaying,“Thatwaspainful.Iamnotalone.Weallsufferattimes.”

3. Feelgratitude.Themostimportantqualitytohavetowardyourdayisgratitudeforwhatyouhaveexperienced,evenforwhatwashardandwhatallowedyoutolearnandgrow.Ifyouarekeepingajournalofwhatyouaregratefulfor,youmaywishtowritethesedownnow.

4. Rejoiceinyourday.Picksomethingyoudidduringthedaythatyoufeelgoodabout—helpingsomeone,keepingyourcoolduringaconflict.Ifyoucan’tthinkofanything,youcanrejoiceinthefactthatyouaredoingthispractice.Nowdedicatethemeritofyourdayandletitbeablessingtoall.

5. Looktotomorrow.Youcanfinishbyturningyourattentiontothenextdayandsettingyourintentionforhowyouwishtofacethechallengesthatmaycome.Trustthatyouwillbeabletohandlewhateverthenextdaymayholdandreleaseyourconcernsforthenightasyougotosleep.

RELATIONSHIP AND COMMUNITY—THE GREATESTJOY

Almostalloftheabovepracticesassumeadegreeofsolitude,butwewouldbemissingthemainmessageoftheDalaiLama’sandtheArchbishop’steachingsifwedidnotemphasizethatthesourceoftruejoy,asevidencedallweeklongandintheirlives,isinourrelationshipswithotherpeople.Bothmenareembeddedindeepandprofoundspiritualcommunitiesthattheyhavenurturedandbeennurturedby.Seekoutyourowncommunitiesofloveandpracticeandbringtheteachingsofjoytotheminwhateverwayismeaningfultoyouandyourcommunity.Thismaybeyourexistingreligiouscommunityoritmaybeacommunityyouhelptocreate,evenifthatcommunityissimplyanotherfriend,arelative,oragroupwithwhomyoucanreadandreflectonthisbookandothers.Ifyouinviteotherstodothesejoypractices,youwillexperiencefargreaterjoythanjustdoingthembyyourself.Relationshipisthetrueprovinggroundforspirituality.Ultimately,joyisnotsomethingtolearn,itissomethingtolive.Andourgreatestjoyislivedindeep,loving,andgenerousrelationshipswithothers.

FormoreinformationaboutthisbookandforvideofootagefromtheweekinDharamsala,pleasevisitbookofjoy.org.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

WewouldliketobeginbythankingformerchairoftheDalaiLamaFoundationJamesDoty,MD,whofirstsuggestedtheideaofajointbookatLeahTutu’seightiethbirthdayparty.Itwasimmediatelyapparentwhatthetopicwouldbe:joy.ThebookitselfandourtimetogetherinDharamsalahasindeedbeenatruejoy,andwewanttothankallwhohavemadeitpossible.

Wegivethanksforourextraordinaryeditorsandpublishers,whoaretakingjoyouttotheworldandwhoworksotirelesslytopublishbooksthatwillmakeourworldthekindofplacethatweallknowitcanbe:MauroPalermo,VandaOhnisková,TiiuKraut,PernilleFollmannBallebye,HenrikkiTimgren,PatriceHoffman,FlorentMassot,UlrichGenzler,JakobMallmann,AdamHalmos,ArtemStepanov,PaoloZaninoni,TaliaMarkus,JuliaKwon,HeleenButh,HalfdanFreihow,KnutOlaUlvestad,DamianWarszawski,AnastasiaGameza,MarijaPetrovic,MartinVydra,LauraAlvarez,CarlosMartinez,ClaesEriksson,YunyiWu,YingyiYeh,AlexHsu,JocastaHamilton,SusanSandon,MeganNewman,BriannaFlaherty,AndreaHo,JustinThrift,andCarolineSutton.WewouldespeciallyliketothankCaroline,whoworkedonmanydraftsofthemanuscripttomakesurethatthisbooktrulyconveyednotonlyourwordsbutalsoourhearts.

Wealsowanttothankourdevotedandtalentedforeignrightsagents,whohaveworkedsohardtomakesureourbookfounditswaytotherightpublishers:ChandlerCrawford,JoGrossman,MaryClemmey,PeterFritz,EricaBerla,ZoeHsu,GrayTan,TrineLicht,KristinOlson,MaribelLuque,MarudeMontserrat,JenniferHoge,LudmillaSushkovaaSushkova,VladimirChernyshov,SueYang,JackieYang,EfratLev,DeborahHarris,ElianeBenisti,FilipWojciechowski,MarcinBiegaj,andourmuchmissedandstillcherishedLynnFranklin.Wewouldespeciallyliketothankourgiftedtranslators.

We’dalsoliketothankTenzinTaklha,ChhimeRigzing,KaydorAukatsang,andKenNorwickattheOfficeofHisHolinesstheDalaiLamaandtheDalaiLamaTrustfortheirhelpincreatingthisprojectandinarrangingeverythingsoskillfullyforourtimeinDharamsala.Theirextraordinarysenseofresponsibilityandtheireffortsonourbehalfwereessentialtothesuccessofthisproject.

WewouldalsoliketothankTsewangYeshi,NgodupWangduLingpa,andtheircolleaguesattheTibetanChildren’sVillagesforhostingtheeightiethbirthdaycelebrationandforalltheydoonbehalfofsomanychildrenwhoareinneedofloveaswellaslearning.

WewouldliketothankthefilmcrewandsupportteamthatmadeourdialogueinDharamsalapossibleandrecordeditsowecouldshareitwithothers:TenzinChoejor,ChemeyTenzin,TenzinPhuntsok,LobsangTsering,Ven.LobsangKunga,DonEisenberg,JasonEksuzian,JuanCammarano,ZacharySavitz,MirandaPennTurin,AndrewMumm,MichaelMatkin,LaraLoveHardin,SibyVeliath,SatbirSingh,JesseAbrams,LamaTenzin,MicheleBohana,PatChristen,ShannonSedgwickDavis,JohnandAnnMontgomery,ScottandJoanieKriens,JoeLombardo,MattGrey,DonKendall,RudolphLohmeyer,NikovonHuetz,andLloydSutton.WewouldespeciallyliketothankPeggyCallahan,whoproducedtheeventandisworkingtoturnthefootageintoadocumentary.Shemadesurethatnotonlydideverythingrunlikeclockwork,andnotonlydidtheinternationalteamworktogethersmoothly,butwith

themagicofstudiolighting,shealsomanagedtomaketwooldmenlooksurprisinglyhandsome.WewouldalsoliketothanktheArchbishop’sAmericandoctor,RachelAbrams,MD,whomadesurethateveryonestayedhealthyandwellduringthetrip.ThankstoMaryEllenKleeandGordonWheelertoo.

WewouldalsoliketothanktherestoftheinternationalmembersofTeamJoyincludingMikeMohr,LalitaSuzuki,SarahSteven,LindsayGordon,AnneKosmoski,FarinSchlussel,CaseyMaloney,AlexandraBruschi,NajmaFinlay,CharlotteBush,AndrewMumm,MarkYoshitake,IvanAskwith,AnnaSawyer,SavannahPeterson,KevinKelly,MarkDaley,RyanBrounley,TyLove,JessKrager,ErinRoberts,andKelseySheronasforusingtheirgreattalentstohelpspreadourmessageofjoy.

Wewouldalsoliketothankourbelovedfamiliesandfriendswhowerethere:MphoTutuvanFurth,MarcelineTutuvanFurth,andTenzinChoegyal.TheArchbishopwouldalsoliketothankLeahTutu,whocouldnotmakethejourney,butwhowasthere,asalways,inhisheart.WeespeciallywantthankPamandPierreOmidyar,withoutwhomourtimetogetherandthisbookwouldneverhavebeenpossible.Theyhavebeentreasuredfriendsandtirelesssupportersofbothofourofficesandcampaignstocreateamorecompassionateandpeacefulworld.

Dougwouldliketothankhisfamilyandfriendsandespeciallyhisparents,whohavesupportedhimonhislifelongjourneytojoy—everystepoftheway.Hewouldalsoliketogivespecialthankstohiswifeandchildren,Rachel,Jesse,Kayla,andEliana,whoarehisgreatestjoy.

WewouldliketogiveveryspecialthankstoThuptenJinpa.Hishelpbefore,during,andafterthedialoguescouldnothavebeenmoreessentialtotherealizationofthisbook.HeworkedcloselywithDougateverystageoftheprocess,andthisbooktrulywouldnothavebeenpossiblewithouthisprofoundknowledge,hisspiritofgenerosity,andhiscommitmenttocreatingamorecompassionateworldwhereallcanhaveafearlessheart.

WewouldliketothankourcowriterandtheArchbishop’slongtimecollaboratorandfriend,DougAbrams.Weaskedhimtocleanupourspokenwordsforthewrittenpage,especiallysinceoneofusisnotanativeEnglishspeaker(guesswho?).Hehasdoneanextraordinaryjobconveyingourwordsfaithfullyandourheartstruthfully.Hehasalsobroughtinagreatdealofvaluablescienceandhascapturedanincredibleamountfromourtimetogether,whichwasfilledwithsomuchlaughter,goodfun,andthetruejoyoffriendship.Hehasbeenawonderfulgiftandhassharedhissplendidgiftednesswithusandwithallwhowillreadthisbook.Asourliteraryagent,ourinterviewer,andourcowriter,thisbookreallywouldnothavehappenedwithouthim.Thankyouprofoundly.Youreallyaresoveryspecial.

Finally,wewouldliketothankyou,ourreaders,whoaredoingsomuchtocreateaworldfilledwithjoyandlove,wherethefuturewecreatetogetherwillliveuptoourbravestandboldestdreams.

AUTHORBIOS

HisHolinessthe14thDalaiLama,TenzinGyatso,describeshimselfasasimpleBuddhistmonk.HeisthespiritualleaderoftheTibetanPeopleandofTibetanBuddhism.HewasawardedtheNobelPeacePrizein1989andtheUSCongressionalGoldMedalin2007.Bornin1935toapoorfarmingfamilyinnortheasternTibet,hewasrecognizedattheageoftwoasthereincarnationofhispredecessor,the13thDalaiLama.Hehasbeenapassionateadvocateforasecularuniversalapproachtocultivatingfundamentalhumanvalues.FormorethanthreedecadestheDalaiLamahasmaintainedanongoingconversationandcollaborationwithscientistsfromawiderangeofdisciplines,especiallythroughtheMindandLifeInstitute,anorganizationthathecofounded.TheDalaiLamatravelsextensively,promotingkindnessandcompassion,interfaithunderstanding,respectfortheenvironment,and,aboveall,worldpeace.HelivesinexileinDharamsala,India.Formoreinformation,pleasevisitwww.dalailama.com.

DesmondMpiloTutu,ArchbishopEmeritusofSouthernAfrica,becameaprominentleaderinthecrusadeforjusticeandracialreconciliationinSouthAfrica.HewasawardedtheNobelPeacePrizein1984andthePresidentialMedalofFreedomin2009.In1994,TutuwasappointedchairofSouthAfrica’sTruthandReconciliationCommissionbyNelsonMandela,wherehepioneeredanewwayforcountriestomoveforwardafterexperiencingcivilconflictandoppression.HewasthefoundingchairofTheElders,agroupofgloballeadersworkingtogetherforpeaceandhumanrights.ArchbishopTutuisregardedasaleadingmoralvoiceandaniconofhope.Throughouthislife,hehascareddeeplyabouttheneedsofpeoplearoundtheworld,teachingloveandcompassionforall.HelivesinCapeTown,SouthAfrica.Formoreinformation,pleasevisittutu.org.za.

DouglasAbramsisanauthor,editor,andliteraryagent.HeisthefounderandpresidentofIdeaArchitects,acreativebookandmediaagencyhelpingvisionariestocreateawiser,healthier,andmorejustworld.DoughasworkedwithDesmondTutuashiscowriterandeditorformorethanadecade.Beforefoundinghisownliteraryagency,hewasasenioreditoratHarperCollinsandalsoservedfornineyearsasthereligioneditorattheUniversityofCaliforniaPress.Hebelievesstronglyinthepowerofbooksandmediatocatalyzethenextstageofglobalevolutionaryculture.HelivesinSantaCruz,California.Formoreinformation,pleasevisitidea-architects.com.

Lookingformore?

VisitPenguin.comformoreaboutthisauthorandacompletelistoftheirbooks.

Discoveryournextgreatread!