THE B

EGIN

NIN

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“This is my house. The dark bit iswhere Daddy is now. There is alwayssome sadness in our house now”Sam, aged 7 when Dad died.

Young people’s instructions

1 This is not a race

2 You will not be marked

3 There are no right or wrong answers – you will not find any answers on the back page!

4 Ask questions

5 Ask for help

6 Do not worry if you finish a page and end up with more questions than answers

7 Read it more than once

8 This book will not bring back your special person but it will help you on your journey

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About you About your special person who has died

Name

Age

Hair colour

Eye colour

Height

Weight

Any illnesses

Best TV programme

Best film

Favourite sport

Favourite colour

Best day out ever

Best school subject

Favourite food

Best music

Favourite country

Favourite animal

Best present ever

Their name and your relationship

Age

Hair colour

Eye colour

Height

Weight

Any illnesses

Best TV programme

Best film

Favourite sport

Favourite colour

Best day out ever

Best school subject

Favourite food

Best music

Favourite country

Favourite animal

Best present ever

”Keep their name alive”

Where are you?

Look at this picture quickly.

Which figure would you be?

Mark it on the page and think about why you have chosen this figure.

Where are you in relation to others?

What are they thinking about you?

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Past, present and future

Can you focus on some of the bad and good things that happened to you at various ages? Plot them on thegraph using symbols or words. Try hard to remember your earliest memory and draw it on the graph.

How do you think you will be feeling next year? What came to your mind first? Any other thoughts about the future? Put them down on this page too.

GOOD

BAD

YEARS

YEARS

A house

If you drew a house today, what would it look like? Draw on or over this one.

What is it made of?

Are there any flowers?

Windows?

People?

What colour is it?

Does it remind you of a houseyou have lived in?

Is it a happy or unhappy house?

What would happen if youopened the door?

What would happen to it if a storm came?

Do you want to add anything?

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Family tree

Can you draw a family tree? Use names / symbols / faces / stones / buttons / just draw.

Feel Robbie Williams

Come and hold my handI wanna contact the livingNot sure I understandThis role I’ve been givenI sit and talk to GodAnd he just laughs at my plansMy head speaks a languageI don't understand

I just wanna feelReal love fill the home that I live inCos I got too much lifeRunning thru my veinsGoing to wasteI don’t wanna dieBut I ain’t keen on living eitherBefore I fall in loveI'm preparing to leave her

Scare myself to deadThat's why I keep on runningBefore I arriveI can see myself comingI just wanna feelReal love fill the home that I live inCos I got too much lifeRunning thru my veins

Going to wasteAnd I need to feelReal love and thelove ever after

I can not get enough

I just wanna feelReal love fill the home that I live inI got too much lifeRunning thru my veinsTo go to waste

I just wanna feelReal love and the love ever afterThere's a hole in my soulYou can see it in my faceIt's a real big place

Come and hold my handI wanna contact the livingNot sure I understandThis role I’ve been givenNot sure I understandNot sure I understandNot sure I understand

Feelingsduring griefThe next few pages are for you to express someof your feelings on paper.

It’s your choice what you do and when you do it.

“waiting for a cuddle at the hospital on Christmas day” josh, aged 11 when his father died

Drawing feelings

Everyone has different feelings in different places.

We often feel them in our body.

Colour and name where your feelings may be.

Use the guide or use your own colours and feelings.

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Happy Yellow

Sad Blue

Angry Red

Afraid Black

Confused Green

Worried Pink

Frustrated Purple

Ashamed Orange

Other: Please stateBrown

Grey

Based on ideas from When Someone Very Special Died by Marge Heegaard.

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Word search

How many words can you find that describe feelings.

See our website for answers: www.griefencounter.com

lonelyjealousconfusedhopeless

frightenedfuryembarrassedgloomy

worriedjoyfulshockedsad

sorryfriendlyhelplessgrief

F L O N E L Y E P O A D Q J J R L U N Y O S

R E F S O B N M I D A W F O O O F G N I D P

I I B M H F T B K Y Q D A J W D Y G J U E Q

G O N I E C G A H O P E L E S S N F G B I S

H F K B L B E R U I D S D D I S M Z U H R O

T R I G P U O R I J H U A D N T U X E L R R

E I Y F L I E A H E C F S E D R G O Q U O R

N E D U E P Z S L G F N A K E W L F V E W Y

E N A R S J V S B V R O T C D E O E D R D F

D D W Y S L M E J K R C R O S D O P S P E I

F L E J K M J D Z X X P O H A B M E T Y C N

V Y T N J E A L O U S K N S Z V Y B N M Y T

Feelings inside and out too

We all have feelings. Colour or mark the ones which are more familiar to you.

Now draw your own feeling faces.

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Grief Numbness Denial Guilt Happy

Anger Shock Fear/Anxiety Sadness/Overwhelming

Searching/Pining

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Happy page

If you feel happy, you may like to draw what makes you happy.

Colour the page yellow, draw smiley faces, whatever…

Sad page

If you feel sad, write what you feel and why.

Paint the page blue.

Let your tears fall and mark the page.

Crying can help release some of your feelings.

Grief is the deepest sadness anyone can feel.21

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Guilt page

Many people feel that if they had acted differently, then the deceased person would still be alive.

Do you have any of these thoughts?

If only...

If only what?

It is unlikely that anything you could/did do would have changed anything.

“I sometimes feel guilty if I go out and have a good time”Sharon, aged 16 when she lost both parents

Worry page

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Do you feel as if you have extra burdens to carry around now?

Can you put them down for a while?

Try it here and see; write some of your burdens in the boxes.

Can you put the burdens down in real life sometime?

How canthings everbe better?

What if youare late?

Have weenoughmoney?

What isgoing tohappen?

I can’tconcentratebecausethere are toomany worriesin my head

Can we everbe a familyagain?

Are yougoing to die too?

Am I goingto die?I can’t cry

because Idon’t wantto upsetanyone

I’ve got aheadache

I feel guiltyhaving fun

I can’t cope with..?.any more

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Angry page l

Spit here Scribble here

Make holes in the paper

Draw custard pies tothrow at someone

”Anyone can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the rightdegree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not easy”

Aristotle (in Goleman (1996))

Based on ideas from Margot Sutherland’s Draw on your Emotions

Angry page ll

Write or draw some of the things that make you angry.

And/or colour the page red.

Screw it up into a ball.

Throw it away or give it to someone else.

Tell them about it.

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It is OK to be angry, but it is not OK to hit or harm someone or something else.

Inspired by Marge Heegaard

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You’re angry...so what

When it feels as if there is a volcano in your tummy, or you are a balloon about to burst, or a jug about to overflow, what helps? How can you manage your anger?

Here are some of our ideas. Please add your own.

Think about how you “do anger” now.

Get an old teddy. Call it “angry bear.“Punch and kick it when you feel angry.

Count to ten slowly.

Kick a ball against a wall.

Go outside, take a breath, and calm yourself down.

Think about why you got angry. It is often becausewe cannot get what we need or want.

Think about who or what makes you angry. Are you really angry at someone or something else?

In your mind, throw a bucket of water or foam piesat whoever or whatever makes you angry.

Write a letter but do not send it.

Scream into a wardrobe.

Go for a run.

Stamp your feet.

Personalise a cushion. Speak to it or stamp on it.

Swear – but not so anyone can hear.

Feel the anger and tell someone you can trust.

Have a really good laugh, with someone or by yourself.

Try and understand the story of the person who makes you angry.

All feelings are normal and OK. What matters is what you do with them.

Traffic lights

When you feel angry, try and think of these traffic lights:

STOP calm down and think before you act.

SAY the problem and how you feel.

SET a positive goal.

THINK of lots of solutions.

THINK ahead to consequences.

GO ahead and try the best plan.

Anger can be creative.

27Based on Ideas from Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman

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Cave page

What feelings is the bear guarding in the cave?

Can you draw them in there?

Are there feelings outside the cave?

Draw them too.

Let your thoughts run free

Try getting a piece of paper and some paints and just painting. Don’t worry what it looks like, just paint.

Try doing this from time to time. Keep your pictures as they are important.

(You can paint here if you want. Enjoy yourself.)

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Missing words

Complete the following sentences using different feelings.

Use your imagination to explore some of the situations you have encountered.

Here’s an example…

I feel sad when I go to bed at night

I feel when I

I feel when I

I feel when I

I feel when I

I feel when I

I feel when I

I feel when I

I feel when I

I feel when I

I feel when I

When I feel……………………………….....………,

…………………………….. would help me feel better.

When I feel……………………………….....………,

……………………......……. could make me feel worse.

How did you feel when (fill in something that has happened)

...........…..…………………...…........................................?

I felt.......…...…...........…..…………………..…...........…..

How did (name someone………................) feel when the

same thing happened?…………….........................…….

Feelings can change from day to day, hour to hour

Being actors

Many of us show a different face to the world. We may need to do this to be popular andaccepted. That’s OK of course, but sometimes we just need to think about what we’re doing.Maybe there is someone who knows this face is not for real. Can you talk to that personabout what is really going on inside?

Try and find some arts and crafts materials to decorate these faces.

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Inside Outside

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Through the door

Imagine a door.

We may want to keep some things hidden.

What would be behind your door?

Do you want to share it or keep it private?

Are there things behind the door that other peopleknow and you do not?

Do you want to know these things?

YesterdayJohn Lennon and Paul McCartney

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, I’m not half the man I used to be,There’s a shadow hanging over me.

Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she had to go I don’t know she wouldn’t say.I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play .Now I need a place to hide away.Oh, I believe in yesterday.

upwardspiral of grief

“waiting for a cuddle at the hospital on Christmas day” Josh, aged 11 when his father died

Round and round we go

Most people experience similar kinds of feelingsaround loss after someone dies.

Some of these are marked on the spiral below. Do you ever feel any of these feelings?

Start where you were at the time you heard aboutyour loss.

Put your finger on the place and trace around withyour finger.

Stop where you feel you are now or wherever youfeel want to stop.

Can you say/write a little about how you feel or felt?

You may feel all these feelings in one day.

Mark where you are now.

It is normal if the feelings come back from time to time.

You are not stuck in the black hole in the middle.

You are adjusting to your new life.

Come back to this picture now and again.

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RELI

EF REL

IEF

HA

PPYHAPPY

HAPPY

HAPPY

CONFUSION

CONFUSION

“Life will never be the same. It’s different. And that’s OK.”

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The day your special person died – putting words to silence

Many people remember this day as if it were yesterday.

Going over and over things again and again, like a favourite video, may help soothe some of your painful memories.

Treat yourself to a good cry. Share that with someone if you can.

Think about the questions below.

What have you been told?

By whom?

Where were you?

What were the smells and sounds?

Can you remember other things?

How was death explained to you?

Have you got your own ideas about death?

Have you heard anything else that worries you?

Do you want anything explained?

Who might know the answers?

Can you or anyone speak about the unspeakable?

Newspaper

Some people just want to tell theworld their bad news. What would be in your newspaper?

Fill in the missing sections with yourstory, pictures or drawings. Put in what else was happening in the world.

You could pretend to be a reporterand ask people about your specialperson, to put them in the memorybox. (See page 39).

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THE NEWSPAPER

has died

Date: Time: Place:

Opinion P18 Letters P25 Puzzles P25

Stop Press:In California, at the start of every year parents arerequested to write a letter forthe school to hand to theirchildren in the event of theirdeath. (email to ChildhoodBereavement Network.)Article on page 2

Fill in other headlinesand events

By..................................................................

Sadly, we report the passing of............................................... They leave behind........................................... to grieve for them. “.........................................................................................” said the family.Although the family mourn deeply, we know there is light at the end of thetunnel say our reporters. “To live in the hearts of those you love is not todie”. One of the children said.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Child accused of being angry inClass. See page 10.

BEREAVED CHILDREN

Who listens?Who cares?Who understands?Editorial p23Leading article p2

Photo of the person here

Your photo here

“”36

Children’s comments

“Is Grandma going to be nailed to a cross?” Matthew, aged 5 when he lost his Grandma.

“If the body’s at the cemetery, where’s the head?”Anxious child.

“You have to be sad alone.” Adult, bereaved as a child.

“Since Mum died, I don’t always have to eat food that is good for me.That’s good, but there is no-one to brush my hair.”Girl, aged 9. (Aged 8 when her mum died.)

“Losing my father made me realise that life was not going to be straightforward a long time before most of my friends.” Meryl lost father at 11.

“I thought that most people only had a Dad.” Juliette lost mother when she was 1.

“It is very difficult to lose a parent obviously and everyone will understand that, but it’s little things which are also much more difficult.”Boy, lost his mother when he was 3.

“I got teased at school. If my Dad had dropped dead, they said, maybe my Mum would too...” Girl, aged 9.

“Sometimes I feel like getting a ladder and climbing to heaven or growing and flying to see my father. Our separation is like a dirty window and I want to clean it to see and get through to him.” James, aged 11.

(Aged 1 when his dad died.)

Post some of your own on our website www.griefencounter.com

Places scrapbook

Where would you like to be?

Where would you not like to be?

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Rubbish

Just dump any rubbish on this page.

Move On George Michael

Remembering

I’ve been in and out of favour with lady luckI gotta tell youI’ve seen things I never wanted to see

I’ve got to get back on my feetI feel like I’ve been sleepingsweet, sweet timehas been a real good friend of mine

waiting for that change of seasonoh the winter’s been so longsearching for that rhyme or reasonyou’ve just got to

move onhold it together, move onlife’s so short, move ononly time will set you free

you put your fears behind youbetter get yourself where you wanna beI think of all the days andnights I spent cryingand I move on

I’ve been in and out of favour with lovebecause I gotta tell youI’ve been things I neverwanted to be

and then some angel called me uphe told me I was sleepingsaid “don’t waste time‘cos even angels say goodbye”

waiting for that change of seasonoh the winter’s been so longsearching for that rhyme or reasonyou’ve just got to

move on…

and oh, there goes another seasongetting hard to find a decent song to playbut oh, I guess I got my reasonseverybody thinks I’m doing a.o.k.they ought to know by now

Chorus

you put your tears behind youbetter get yourself where you wanna beI think of all the days andnights I spent crying before my angel set me free

I’m gonna be lucky in lovesomeday

“waiting for a cuddle at the hospital on Christmas day” “The Best day out” by Sam, aged 7 when his father died

Memory page – Matthew’s book

It may feel that memories are all you have left. And, often that is not enough.

You may feel you are forgetting important thingsabout the lost person, like their smell or the sound of their voice.

Jot down some of your personal memories in theframes below or stick in a photo. Maybe, the lasttime you saw them, your last conversations.

Better still, make your own memory or life box. Fill itwith things all about their lives such as their parents,grandparents, other family, school days, furthereducation, friends, how they met their partner, likes,dislikes, things they were good at, things they were

not good at, special days in their lives, what theylooked like, something that has their smell andphotos. Perhaps, one of the special adults around you can help. Ask them.

Keep a record of your memories too.

We know someone who sent round a book to alltheir lost one‘s family and friends and asked them to fill in a page with their memories, thoughts andfeelings about Matthew. This was not only just afterhe died, but sometime later too. You can do this too.

You could pretend you are a journalist and interviewsome people about your special person, perhaps evenon to video or DVD.

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Calendar

Mark in any way you want any important/special days on this calendar.

January

May

September

February

June

October

March

July

November

April

August

December

Remembering

Some people find comfort in rituals.

For example, on anniversaries or special days – light candles, hold aservice at the grave, let balloons with messages on go up in to the sky,have a meal together, plant something in the garden, make home-madecards, make a memorial in the name of the dead person to a charity or do something they would have loved to do.

Let us know about some of your ideas. (www.griefencounter.com).

Do you do any of this? Would you like to do more? And with whom?

41To live in the hearts of those you love is not to die.

Draw some balloons and imagine them floating upwards.

What messages would you write?

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Making a card

You may feel like making a card. Who is it for? What is it for? What do you want to do with it?

Writing your story

Everyone has their own story to tell. Write your story below. Use a computer or extra paper if you need it.

We‘ve given you some ideas from other children‘s stories. Add to them or delete them as appropriate.

You can always add to this story. It doesn’t end here...

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“I was feeling very alone and different. It felt asif no-one understood. My whole world had changedand everyone else’s had stayed the same.

I really hated my friends when they talkedunkindly about their parents.They did not knowhow lucky they were.

People were so inconsiderate when they went onand on about going shopping with their mum. Theydidn’t realise how painful this was for me. I wasso jealous.

I did find someone I could trust...”

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Dreams and nightmares

Can you draw on the clouds:

Even if you cannot remember one now, remember this page is here. You can use it more than once.

Your worst dream?

Your best dream?

Tears in HeavenEric Clapton and Will Jennings

Would you know my nameIf I saw you in heaven?Would it be the sameIf I saw you in heaven?I must be strongAnd carry on,’Cause I know I don’t belongHere in heaven.

Would you hold my handIf I saw you in heaven?Would you help me standIf I saw you in heaven?I’ll find my wayThrough night and day,’Cause I know I just can’t stayHere in heaven.

Time can bring you down,Time can bend your knees.Time can break your heart,Have you begging please, begging please.Beyond the door,There’s peace I’m sure,And I know there’ll be no moreTears in heaven.

Would you know my nameIf I saw you in heaven?Would it be the sameIf I saw you in heaven?I must be strongAnd carry on,’Cause I know I don’t belongHere in heaven.

Adjustment

“waiting for a cuddle at the hospital on Christmas day” “Waiting for a cuddle at the hospital on Christmas day”

Playtime

You probably have had to grow up very quickly. Make sure you have places to play, no matter how old you are.

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Muddy Bear“If Mum were here I wouldn’t have to worryabout Dad so much. I wouldn’t have to get the bus back from school and watch all theother kids be collected by their Mums.” Harry, aged 11

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Changes

When you have experienced a trauma such as a bereavement, the messages in ourbrain take a different path. For example, we learn fear. We need to put ourmessages right again: you are in charge of the trauma not the other way around.

Which path do you want to take?

CHANGES

Crisis?Sink?

Opportunity?Swim?

Thinking about change

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Everything changes and not alwaysfor the best – that’s life.

How have things changed for you?

Fill some of the “before and afters”on the caterpillar and butterfly.

Is it all bad? It is OK to say if thereare some positive changes.

What would be different if yourspecial person were here?

Have bad things happened in your family before?

How did you and your familymanage these bad things?

List things that were talked andthought about.

List things that were not talked and thought about.

Before

Changes

Good Bad

Now

We cannot change what has happened, only the way we think and feel.

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Fitting back in at school

“Someone told me to stop crying as it was two months since my Mum died” Alexa, aged 8

Going back to school following a bereavement can be very difficult.

When did you go back to school?

What happened when you went back to school?

• other children and me:

• teachers and me:

What has been helpful?

What has been unhelpful?

What could have been done differently?

“We didn’t really talk about it at school. The teacher never brought up the subject. I would have liked to talk about it.”Juliette, aged 11 when her Mum died

“My teacher is really understanding. One year on she still listens and looks out for me.” Girl, aged 9

Neon sign

Sometimes, people are really thoughtless or unkind about what happened. They often just do not understand,are frightened or unaware. It may be up to you to tell them.

If you had an imaginary sign(s) to hold up what would it say?

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Next door neighbour Rob works late,talks football, enjoys parties, goesrunning, washes up. He didn’t dropin or leave a note. I didn’t see himfor several days. Those first worstdays. Then, in the alley between our houses I saw him. He saw me.We stood face to face.

-Rather you than me, he said.

We went on standing.

-And best of luck Saturday, he said.

I thought, but the funeral isn’t onSaturday.

-And he said, Arsenal playing Spurs.

From Carrying the Elephant by Michael Rosen.

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Me, myself and I

Find some magazines and newspapers. Don’t think for too long. Scan the papers and magazines. Cut out any words or pictures that describe you, or any that you just feel like cutting out. Stick them on this page.

“Having survived this, I know I can face anything. I am going to make my life better now.” Sharon, aged 18. She was 15 when she lost both parents.

Postcards

Use these as you want. More available from the Childhood Bereavement Network (see page 63 for address).

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Mending yourself

Our First Aid Kit

A bubble bath. A football game. Flicking through a magazine.Holding something that belonged to your special person.Playing a computer game. Talking to a friend. Keeping a diary.Writing. Listening to music. Reading and writing poems.Reading. Stroking your pet. Painting. Exercising/playing asport. Shopping. Talking to an adult. Playing in the park.Growing things or gardening. A bedtime story. Being alone.Praying. Dancing. Singing. Looking at/talking to photos. A cuddle. Doing some charity work in your lost person’s name.Helping others. Peer group support.

Your First Aid Kit

Find the ‘First Aid Kit’ in the picture.

Pretend you could fill it with things that would help you feel better.

Make a list below.

Story time

Can you choose a story or a fairytale that was or isimportant to you? Are there some parts that standout for you?

For example, the Harry Potter stories are veryimportant to us. One thing we like is the Mirror ofErised, found in “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’sStone.” Harry’s parents have been killed and Harrysometimes feels very lonely and alone without them.

He looks in this magical mirror and he sees his“deepest, most desperate desire” of his heart. For Harry, his desire is to have his parents back. In the mirror, he sees them standing around him.

However, as Dumbledore points out:

…”this mirror will give us neither knowledge ortruth. Men have wasted away before it, entranced by what they have seen…it does not do well to dwellon dreams and forget to live, remember that.”(Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, p157 by JK Rowling)

It not helpful to dwell on the past the whole timeand wish something that can never be possible; life must be lived.

Write your thoughts below:

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Think about poems/songs/films that are important to you.

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Pen and paper

We’ve started writing a letter to your special person. Would you like to finish it?

Dear

I miss you so much. Where are you? Canyou come back just for a minute? If you did,I would

Children dear our time has passedWe loved you whilst our lives did lastGrieve not for us, nor troubles takeBut love each other for our sake.

From a special person’s Gravestone.

Football pitch

Name who you feel is in your team or part of your squad and who is in the other team.

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The future

Who do you talk to now?

How do you talk to them?

Are there others you can share with?

Is anyone watching over you?

Do you have any unfinished business?

How can you help others to understand your experiences?

Fill in your answers in the balloons.

What good things can you say about yourself?

What are you proud of?

”...to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever.”Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, p216 by JK Rowling.

Where are you now?

Where are you now on the climbing frame? Draw yourself.

Where are you now in relation to others?

Choose one of the other figures.

What are they feeling/thinking?

How would they see you?

Compare this to the first climbing frame.Hopefully, some things will have changedfor the better by now.

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Review

SO?So what now?You have done the book, seen the film, got the t-shirt,been there done it... and you still feel bad at times.Pain is the price we pay for having loved someone.

SO?Think of the upward spiral of grief. Think positive. Get and use some outside help. Keep talking.

SO?Remember, life will get better.Life is a struggle. Do not always look back.

SO?Nothing will bring back the dead person.Would they want you to sink or swim?

SO?Take responsibility for yourself.You may have the courage to journey alone.

You may have gained self-confidence and self-love.You may feel different, but that could also be specialand unique.You may find you have deeper insights and maturitynow.You may have meaningful values in your life.You may have the ability to help others.It is not your choice what has happened, but it is yourchoice how you handle it.

SO?Life has changed, but not all of it is bad.Your loss is entwined in your life now; it is part ofwho you are.It is not all doom and gloom, but it is different.

AND...Hopefully, you are feeling more peaceful now; that isgreat and OK.Life is like a doughnut; see the dough and not the hole.

Now, for exactly what counsellors say they do not do, here is some advice:

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