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The Batterer as ParentBy Lundy Bancroft 2002

Cite as: Bancroft, L. (Winter 2002). The batterer as a parent. Synergy, 6(1), 6-8. (Newsletter of theNational Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges)

Research on children'sexposure to domestic violencehas tended to focusprimarily on two aspects oftheirexperience: the trauma of witnessing physicalassaultsagainst their mother,and the tensionproduced byliving withahighlevel ofconflict between theirparents.1 However, theseare just twoelements ofa muchdeeperproblem pervading thesechildren'sdailylife, whichis that theyarelivingwitha batterer. Theparenting of men who battererexposeschildren to multiplepotentialsources ofemotionalandphysicalinjury, most of whichhave not been recognized widely.

Thisarticlelooksat thecharacteristics of men who batterandidentifies waysin which thesecharacteristicsalso influence theirability to parent appropriately. Additionally, thearticle willaddresstheimplications ofsuchparenting forchildprotectiveandcustodydeterminations.

Characteristics of Men Who Batter

Most of thecharacteristics that are typical of men who batterhavepotentialramifications forchildrenin thehome. Batterers often tend towardauthoritarian, neglectful,and verballyabusivechild-rearing.2 Theeffects on thechildren of theseand otherparenting weaknesses may beintensified bythechildren'sprior traumaticexperience of witnessing violence.3 Consider the following selectedexamples ofcharacteristics of men who batter:

Control: Coercivenessis widelyrecognizedasacentral quality of battering men,4and one of theareas oflifeheavilycontrolled by many men who battereris the mother'sparenting. A man whobatters maycause or forbidhispartner to terminateapregnancy, overruleherparenting decisions, orassault her when heisangry over thechildren's behavior. Battered women are far morelikely thanother mothers to feel that theyhave to alter theirparenting styles when theirpartnersarepresent.5

Entitlement: A man who battersconsidershimselfentitled to aspecialstatus within the family, withtheright to use violence when hedeemsit necessary.6 This outlook ofentitlement can lead to selfishandself-centered behavior on hispart. Forexample,he may becomeirate or violent when he feelsthat hispartnerispaying moreattention to thechildren than to him. It isdifficult forchildren to havetheir needs met in suchan atmosphereand theyare vulnerable to role-reversal, where theyare madeto feelresponsible to takecare of the battering parent.

Possessiveness:Men who batter often have been observed to perceive theirpartnersas ownedobjects.7 Thispossessive outlook can sometimesextend to theirchildren,partlyaccounting for thedramaticallyelevatedrates ofphysicalabuse8andsexualabuse9 ofchildren perpetrated by batterers,and for the fact that these men seek custody of theirchildren more often than non-battering fathersdo.10

Othercharacteristics that can havean important impact on children include manipulativeness,denialand minimization of theabuse, battering in multiplerelationships,andresistance to change.

Influence of Battering on Parenting

Thecharacteristicsdiscussedaboveinfluence theparenting of men who batterandhavea negativeimpact on thechildren by:

a. creating role models that perpetuate the violence

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b. undermining the mother'sauthorityc. retaliating against the mother forherefforts to protect thechildrend. sowing divisions within the familye. using thechildren as weaponsagainst the mother

Creating role models that perpetuate the violence: Boys who areexposed to domestic violenceshowdramaticallyelevatedrates of battering their own partnersasadolescents oradults.11Researchsuggests that thisconnection isaproduct more of the valuesandattitudes that boyslearn fromwitnessing battering behavior than of theemotional trauma of being exposed to suchabuse.12 Daughters of battered women show increaseddifficultyin escaping partnerabusein theiradult relationships.13 Both boysand girlshave been observed to accept variousaspects of thebatterer's belief-system,14including the view that victims of violenceare to blame, that womenexaggeratehysterically when theyreport abuse,and that malesaresuperior to females.

Undermining the mother's authority: Domestic violenceisinherentlydestructive to maternalauthority because the batterer's verbalabuseand violenceprovidea model forchildren ofcontemptuousandaggressive behavior toward their mother. Thepredictableresult,confirmed bymanystudies,is that children of battered women haveincreasedrates of violenceanddisobedience

toward their mothers.15

Some battered mothers makereports of being prevented from picking upacrying infant or from assisting a frightened orinjuredchildand of being barred from providing otherbasicphysical,emotional, oreven medicalcare. Interference of this kindcan cause thechildren to feelthat their motherdoes not careabout them orisunreliable. The batterer mayreinforce those feelingsby verballyconditioning thechildren throughstatementssuchas, "Your motherdoesn't loveyou," or,"Mommy onlycaresabout herself."

Retaliating against her for her efforts to protect the children: A mother may find thatsheisassaulted orintimidatedifsheattempts to prevent the batterer from mistreating thechildren,or may find that heharms thechildren moreseriously to punishher forstanding up for them.Therefore,she may be forced over time to stopintervening on herchildren's behalf. Thisdynamiccanleadchildren to perceive their motherasuncaring about the batterer's mistreatment of them,andcancontribute to her being labeled bychildprotectiveservicesas "failing to protect."

Sowing divisions with the family: Some batterersuse favoritism to buildaspecialrelationshipwith onechildin the family. Assomeresearchershave noted, the favoredchildisparticularlylikely tobea boy,and the batterer may bond withhim partly throughencouraging asense ofsuperiority tofemales.16 Batterersalso maycreate or feed familial tensionsdeliberately. These manipulativebehaviorsarealikely factorin thehighrate ofinter-sibling conflict and violence observedin familiesexposed to battering behavior.17

Using the children as weapons:Many men who batterusechildren asa vehicle to harm orcontrol the mother18 throughsuch tacticsasdestroying thechildren's belongings to punish the mother,requiring thechildren to monitorandreport on their mother'sactivities, or threatening to kidnap ortakecustody of thechildren if the motherattempts to end therelationship. Theseparenting behaviorsdraw thechildren into theabuser's behaviorpattern. Post-separation, many batterersuseunsupervised visitation asan opportunity to furtherabuse the mother through thechildren.19

Implications for Child Protective and Custody Determinations

Determinationsregarding childprotection,custody,and visitation in thecontext ofdomestic violenceneed to beinformed byan awareness of thedestructiveparenting behaviorsexhibited by many menwho batter,and theireffects on children and their mothers. These behaviorshaveespeciallyimportantimplications forchildren who arestruggling with two sets ofpsychologicalinjuries, one from exposureto the battering behaviorand the other from theirparents' divorce orseparation. Someelements toexamineclosely when crafting interventions for familiesinclude:

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Addressing the healing needs of children: Thereisa wideconsensus that children'srecoveryfrom exposure to domestic violence (and from divorce)dependslargely on the quality of theirrelationship with the non-battering parent and with theirsiblings.20 Therefore,in addition to safetyconsideration,court determinationsshould takeinto account whether the battererislikely, based onhispast andcurrent behavior, to continue to undermine the mother'sauthority,interfere with mother-childrelationships, orcause tensions between siblings. Becausechildren needasense ofsafetyinorder to heal,21 juvenileand familycourt decisions may not want to includeleaving thechildren in the

unsupervisedcare ofa man whose violent tendencies theyhave witnessed,even if they feelastrongbond ofaffection forhim.

Making appropriate assessments, especially in custody determinations: A batterer'shistory ofabusive behavior,andhow suchabusereflects on hisparenting, needs to beinvestigatedcarefully,assessing for thepresence ofany of thecommon problemsdescribedaboveandpayingparticularattention to that children may becomea vehicle forcontinuedabuse of the mother.22 Courtsneed to ensure that custodyevaluatorshaveextensive training on the multiplesources ofrisk tochildren from custody orunsupervisedcontact with theabusiveparent.

Safely fostering father-child relationships: Except in cases where thechildren are terrified ofthe battering parent orhave been abused byhim directly,children tend to desiresomedegree ofongoing contact with their fathers. Suchcontact can be beneficialaslong asadequatesafety

measuresareprovided for the motherandchildren and theabuseris not given the opportunity tocauseset-backs to thechildren'semotionalrecovery. These goalscan be fostered throughcustodyarrangements that takeinto fullconsideration the violencein thehomecaused by the battering parentand through theuse ofprofessionallysupervised visitation,ideally basedin a visitation center. Whereunsupervised visitation is found to besafe, theuse ofrelativelyshort visits that do not includeovernight visitscan reduce the batterer'sability to damage mother-childrelationship,limit hisnegativeinfluence on thechildren's behaviorand value-systems,andensure that thechildren feelsafeandsecurewhilestillallowing them to feelacontinuedconnection to their father.

1. See forexample,Rossman,R., Hughes, H., &Rosenberg,M. (2000). Children andinterparental violence: Theimpact ofexposure. Philadelphia: Brunner/Mazel.

2. Bancroft, L. & Silverman, J. (2002). The battererasparent: Addressing theimpact ofdomestic violence on familydynamics. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

3.Margolin, G., John,R., Ghosh, C., & Gordis, E. (1996). Familyinteraction process: Anessential tool forexploring abusiverelationships. In D. Cahn & S. Lloyd (Eds.), Familyviolence from acommunication perspective (pp.37-58). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

4. Lloyd, S., & Emery, B. (2000). Thedark side ofcourtship: Physicalandsexualaggression. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

5. Holden, G. &Ritchie, K. (1991). Linking extreme maritaldiscord,childrearing,andchildbehaviorproblems: Evidence from battered women. Child Development,62,311-327.

6. Silverman, J., & Williamson, G. (1997). Socialecologyandentitlementsinvolvedin

battering byheterosexualcollege males: Contributions of familyandpeers. ViolenceandVictims,12(2),147-164.

7. Adams, D. (1991). Empathyandentitlement: A comparison of battering andnonbattering husbands. Unpublisheddoctoraldissertation. (Available from Emerge, 2380Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge,MA, 02140.); Lloyd & Emery, op.cit.

8. E.g. Straus,M. (1990). Ordinary violence,childabuse,and wife-beating: What do theyhavein common? In M. Straus &R. Gelles (Eds.), Physical Violencein American Families(pp.403-424). New Brunswick: Transition; Suh, E., & Abel, E.M. (1990). Theimpact of

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spousal violence on thechildren of theabused. Journal of Independent Social Work,4(4),27-34;andseveral otherstudies.

9. E.g.McCloskey, L.A., Figueredo, A.J., & Koss,M. (1995). Theeffect ofsystemic familyviolence on children's mentalhealth. Child Development,66,1239-1261; Paveza, G.(1988).Risk factorsin father-daughterchildsexualabuse. Journal of InterpersonalViolence,3(3), 290-306;andseveral otherstudies.

10. American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violenceand the Family(1996). Violenceand the family. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

11. Hotaling, G., & Sugarman, D. (1986). An analysis ofrisk markersin husband to wifeviolence: Thecurrent state of knowledge. Violenceand Victims,1(2),101-124; Silverman& Williamson, op.cit.

12. Silverman & Williamson, op.cit.

13. Doyne, S., Bowermaster, J.,Meloy,R., Dutton, D., Jaffe, P., Temko, S., &Mones, P.(1999). Custodydisputesinvolving domestic violence:Making children's needsapriority.Juvenileand Family Court Journal,50(2),1-12; Hotaling & Sugarman, op.cit.

14. Hurley, D.J., & Jaffe, P. (1990). Children's observations of violence: II. Clinicalimplications forchildren's mentalhealthprofessionals. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry,35(6),471-476.

15. Jaffe, P., & Geffner,R. (1998). Childcustodydisputesanddomestic violence: Criticalissues for mentalhealth,socialservice,andlegalprofessionals. In G. Holden,R. Geffner, &E. Jouriles (Eds.), Children exposed to marital violence: Theory,research,andappliedissues (pp.371-408). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association; Dutton,M.A.(1992). Empowering andhealing the battered woman. New York: Springer.

16. See forexample Johnston, J., & Campbell, L. (1993b). Parent-childrelationshipsindomestic violence familiesdisputing custody. Familyand Conciliation CourtsReview,31(3),

282-298. (Johnston & Campbellseem to overlook theimplications of many of their ownobservations-see Bancroft & Silverman, op.cit., foran extendeddiscussion.)

17. Hurley & Jaffe, op.cit.

18. Erickson, J., & Henderson, A. (1998). Diverging realities: Abused women and theirchildren. In J. Campbell (Ed.), Empowering survivors ofabuse: Healthcare for batteredwomen and theirchildren (pp.138-155). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

19. Bancroft & Silverman, op.cit.

20. Seereview ofstudiesin Heller, S., Larrieu, J., D'Imperio,R., & Boris, N. (1998).Research on resilience to child maltreatment: Empiricalconsiderations. Child Abuseand

Neglect, 23(4)321-338.

21. van der Kolk, B., &McFarlane, A. (1996). The black hole of trauma. In B. van der Kolk,A.McFarlane, & L. Weisaeth (Eds.), Traumaticstress: Theeffects of overwhelmingexperience on mind, body,andsociety (pp.3-23). New York: Guilford.

22. Foradetailedassessment guide,see Chapter7 of Bancroft & Silverman, op.cit.