01

Horton Helps a Freshman: Fixing the Clueless

Kyle Beckett

Dr. Matthew Horton

English 1101

6 December, 2011

2

Matthew R. Horton Ph.D

Assistant Professor of English

Gainesville State College

Oconee Campus

313b Oconee Classroom

1201 Bishop Farms Parkway

Watkinsville, GA 30677

Dear Dr. Horton,

My name is Kyle Beckett and I am a freshman in your English 1101 class at Gainesville State College on the Oconee Campus. In this semester, I have learned many new writing techniques and skills that have dramatically improved my overall writing skill and writing standards. When I looked at my earlier works, I noticed that at times I had problems with writing of complete thoughts, improper grammar, and not being able to follow the set guidelines for assignments. When I looked at my later works, however, I saw a drastic improvement in my writing skills. For my portfolio, I have gathered and edited what I have thought are my best and my worst works, and I realized the great differences between them. In my later works, I was able to bring forth ideas that I would not have been able to recognize before and bring these issues to the reader in an easily understood way. Over this semester, I have gained confidence in my writing skills, found the assignments becoming easier, and gained a better understanding of meeting your standards. I also gained better editing skills, and I have learned to how incorporate my personal experiences into the essays that I wrote. Throughout the semester, I have had several meetings with you to help me understand what I can improve upon and what I was currently struggling with in class. At first I was uneasy meeting with a professor to criticize my work, but over time I became much more comfortable with asking for help with my school work from my professors. With your assistance, I have learned to be more critical of my work to help myself to improve upon my writing assignments and to learn from the mistakes I made in my works.

My least successful article response was on Wendell Berry’s article, “Faustian Economics: Hell Hath No Limits,” on the ideas of American expansion and consumerism. The main focus of Berry’s article was on how America has become obsessed with purchasing new goods and consuming massive quantities of unrenewable items. Berry writes that the idea of the limitlessness of the American economy has sprung from the Constitution, giving the people of this country the right to pursue happiness. Looking at this work near the end of this semester has shown me the many problems that are in this paper. To start off, both of the paragraphs are extremely short and convey little of the article’s meaning to the readers. I was also very vague with information, using words like things, people, they and other generalizing phrases. I frequently generalized what I thought people think or do, with little to no information actually backing up my claims, often including my own opinions rather than the author’s. I mainly gave my opinion as to what I thought the author was trying to convey to his audience, not what he said

3

he was trying to convey. I also misinterpreted Berry’s point of view from his article, and the second paragraph did not address the cultural significance of his point of view and had off-topic sentences. The revision of this article response is significantly different from the original version, as it contains more specific word choice, clear statements of the author’s view, and elimination of my opinions. I found I had to re-write major parts of my paper in order for it to make more sense and for it to comply with the assignment guidelines.

My most successful article response was done on Joel Klein’s article, “The Failure of American Schools.” Looking at this paper again shows me how much of an improvement I made over the semester with my writing technique and skills. While I did have issues with sentence clarity at times, I was able to improve upon this paper further thanks to help from you when I was able to have a meeting with you. Comparing this essay to my previous work shows me the many differences in my overall writing proficiency. This paper was much longer than my initial papers, with greater depth into the author’s topic. I had improved my ability to communicate the author’s point of view, and I had less problems of staying on-topic overall. At times, I had awkward word choices in my sentences that did not fit in with my previous word choices. In this work, I was able to find a debatable subject to write about and present to the audience about the downfall of the American schooling system. I better understood this article and Klein’s point of view in his article, which allowed me to write more easily about how the schooling system of our country has become flawed. I had included higher quality quotes that were easy to understand and provided helpful information to the readers. My revision to this article response created a paper that is a much higher quality than my original paper, with more focus on the author’s point of view, refrained from expressing my own point of view, and had a clearer sentence structure.

I felt that my most successful article essay was on Graeme Wood’s article, “Secret Fears of the Super Rich,” which was about the fears that the super wealthy have about their immense wealth and what that money can do to their lives. I chose this article essay because I felt that this paper was improved the most from rough draft to final version compared to my other essay. I could personally relate to this essay better than my other essay, and I felt the proudest in writing this paper for I could relate my experience to the article’s topic more than I could with the other essay. For the focus of this essay, I chose to focus on how wealth has affected the life of one of my closest friends. Graeme Wood writes of how money has ruined many rich people’s lives, while in my essay I wrote of how money may have harmed my friend’s focus towards the goals in his life. I struggled as I began to write the rough draft of this paper, because I had rarely written such a long assignment based on my personal experiences. I remember going to see you with my rough draft of this essay, and I learned that I was off-track from the guidelines for this essay. I had to make major revisions in my outline and my stages. This conference was very informative, and afterwards I reworked and edited my essay many times in the next week. I received a grade of 91 out of 100 on this essay. For this portfolio, I began revising by taking out any unnecessary information that distracted the reader from the issue I was presenting. By doing this, I also was able to make the paragraphs equal in length while still making sense. I was also able to add information that was previously excluded to help the reader better to understand what I was writing, and I was able to restructure several sentences to achieve more clarity. Finding problems in this essay was harder to find than in my article responses, but I was able to change my paper overall so it could be more easily read.

4

Even with all the knowledge I have accumulated about writing over the semester, I am still nowhere near being a perfect writer. I have a tendency to compress information about a subject when I should have taken the time instead to elaborate more on the subject itself. I have found that I did this a lot in my earlier works, which had a harmful impact on my grades. I have had an issue with identifying the author’s point of view and being able to write clearly about it as well. I also had an unfortunate tendency to forget the set guidelines for the papers and did not check up on these requirements as much as I should have, causing my grades to become lower. If I had taken the time to check online for the detailed instructions and had been able to recall specific instructions related to the assignments better, I believe that I would have started off this semester with a much better grade than I initially did. After much work, I was able to raise my average grade up on my papers, from a five to an eight or nine. This semester I completed many extra credit assignments, and each time I learned more and gained more experience in writing. In part, I was able to accomplish improvement by taking the extra time to review the instructions given to me and to take the time to review what I had actually written and strive to correct it. I also benefited from the multiple meetings I had with you to get specific feedback and instruction about writing assignments. These meetings clarified what I needed to do, and I was able to ask questions about assignments that you had graded. I always tried to use the feedback to improve my writing on the next assignment you gave me. I appreciate that this class focused on using texts and assignments that built skills from one paper to the next, and I found the repetition of writing article responses really helped me improve my ability to write effectively. My goals for continued improvement are learning how to not include my own opinions in my papers, to learn how to better explain the author’s point of view, and to learn how to create clearer sentences.

Choosing to write this portfolio instead of the in-class essay is a choice that I do not regret. While my work can be good, I require time in order to review my own work to spot any problems that I may have not noticed before. I also do not work well under pressure at times, and I find it hard to achieve my set goal in time. Giving myself the time to work on assignments has allowed me to increase my grades this semester and to improve my writing skills as well. At times, I found it difficult to find relevant topics that I can actually write something of importance about, but I believe I have worked past this problem. Because of your help, I am now better prepared to write about topics from my own personal experience and about topics that are good for debate. When I took the time to go to you to ask what I could improve upon in my writing skills, I used that information and found that my writing proficiency rose to a higher level, allowing me to raise my grades to an A level instead of a C. Initially, I was discouraged at the low grade I received on the first article response, but I sought help from you immediately and incorporated your feedback in my next assignment. I continued to seek help, and I worked very hard to learn from each assignment what I needed to improve. I think that for the work I have put into improving my writing skills and knowledge and for going the extra mile to find what I was specifically failing at in class, that I deserve an A for my final grade. While I did have problems at the beginning of this class, I was able to become a better writer and to take pride in what I have written.

Sincerely,

^çÄx Uxv~xàà

02

Horton Helps a Freshman: Fixing the Clueless

English 1101 Final Portfolio

Table of Contents

Analytical Cover Letter....................................................................................................................2

Quality Comparison .........................................................................................................................5

Least Successful Article Response ......................................................................................5

Most Successful Article Response .......................................................................................6

“What’s the Difference?” .....................................................................................................8

Revision Samples ...........................................................................................................................10

Least Successful Article Response (with markup) ............................................................10

Least Successful Article Response (final) .........................................................................12

Most Successful Article Response (with markup) .............................................................14

Most Successful Article Response (final) ..........................................................................16

Most Successful Essay (with markup) ...............................................................................17

Most Successful Essay (final) ............................................................................................24

5

Kyle Beckett

Berry, Wendell. “Faustian economics: Hell hath no limits.” Harper’s Magazine. May 2008

http://harpers.org/archive/2008/05/0082022

In Wendell Berry’s article, Faustian Economics: Hell Hath No Limits, he writes about

America’s ever growing idea of limitlessness. He believes the idea of limitlessness sprung from

the Constitution, which allows people inalienable rights and the right to pursue happiness. This,

in turn, has created a society where people are allowed to do almost anything they desire to be

happy. Many people have betrayed their friends, sold out on their morals, and many other things

in order to pursue happiness. Wendell Perry writes that the idea of limitlessness has expanded

and will grow even more as the years go by, due to the fact that people will want more since they

believe it is their right to be happy and they will continue to work to have more things.

As America has grown over the years, many people have abandoned their morality for

personal gain and self-gratification. The idea of limitlessness has grown out of control and has

lead people into believing that the way they are living as insatiable consumers is their right.

People want to continue buying the newest and best big screen televisions and fancy cars. With

the current American economic problems, it has become apparent to some people that not

everything will last forever and that America will need to change soon. An example would be

our use of coal in the United States. If the rate of consumption was doubled in the United States,

there would only be enough coal for a hundred years. This massive overconsumption cannot

continue, and action must occur to prevent this decay of America and its society.

6

American Schools: How Can We Fix Them?

Kyle Beckett

Dr. Horton

English 1101

19 October 2011

Klein, Joel. "The Failure of American Schools." The Atlantic. The Atlantic Monthly Group, June

2011. Web. 21 October. 2011.

Read this article

In Joel Klein’s article, “The Failure of American Schools,” he writes that the American school

system has become flawed and is inefficient in its ways, currently ranked 48th in math and

sciences in industrialized countries. Klein writes of how this may be fixed if “the unions, the

politicians, the bureaucrats, and the vendors” become well organized and direct funds toward

reforming the school systems. Klein is concerned that teachers who are proven to have held back

their students a quarter year still have their teaching jobs. Klein describes how America has

become divided, with a “wealthy elite, and an increasingly large underclass that lacks the skills

to succeed” due to inferior school practices and the lack of adequate funding. Klein wants the

school system to change but believes that it won’t change unless we perform some very drastic

changes. Klein proposes that the entire K-12th grade system be more accountable for its

student’s grades, to attract higher quality teachers, and to use technology to improve student

instruction. Klein also points how politics has become involved in schools with teacher unions

fighting new laws and policies designed to increase teacher accountability for student

performance.

7

According to Klein, this issue is culturally significant because if a majority of the school systems

are under-funded and poorly staffed, then there would be a large divide of better taught students

from those who did not receive a higher quality education. He states that, “This division tears at

the very fabric of our society.” Klein points out that state governments are affected by this issue,

as legislation across 42 states has recently established “highly demanding core standards in

English and math.” Klein urges the reader to ask their school systems to consider using student

results to assess the skills of their teachers. The author asks for the creation of more charter

schools in order to create at least one alternative to neighborhood schools. Klein asks for school

districts also to make changes to evaluate the effectiveness of its schools and teachers by

implementing some type of score card of student progress. Klein challenges school districts to

pay higher wages to teachers that have higher performance rates and to fire those who are

inadequate in their teachings. The author proposes changes to the quality of teachers being

recruited and hired by increasing standards and eliminating micromanagement.

8

Quality Comparison

For my least successful article response, I chose my response “Faustian Economics: Hell

Hath No Limits” by Wendell Berry. In this article response, I noticed the many errors that I had

made at the beginning of this semester. My work appeared to be sloppy, because my paragraphs

were extremely short and I barely followed any of the specific instructions and standards for

writing this paper. I wrote very often in incomplete thoughts and had very confusing sentence

structures that would leave most readers unable to understand what point I was trying to get

across. I also had a tendency to generalize the author’s point of view in my article, and I found

that I had included personal opinions rather than the author’s view point. Another issue in my

first article response was that my choice of words were sometimes very general, such as “many

other things” and “there.” I also did not have any appropriate quotes in either of the paragraphs,

which did not provide more information to the readers about the article. I found that my second

paragraph did not explain the cultural significance of this article and had several off-topic

sentences. I earned a grade of 5 out of 10 on this paper, and I made an appointment with Dr.

Horton to review my paper so that I could learn what I needed to improve upon. Dr. Horton was

very helpful at this appointment, pointing out specific errors for me, and I made more

appointments throughout the semester so that I could continue to learn and improve.

For my most successful article response, I chose my paper “American Schools: Can We

Fix Them?” Compared to my first article response, I think that this paper was a vast

improvement. Although this paper did have room for improvement, this paper was still a drastic

change from my initial efforts. I was more effectively able to write about the author’s point of

view and to provide clearer information. I also did a much better job identifying and writing

about the cultural significance. I had improved staying on topic and did not include my personal

9

opinions. I noticed that my vocabulary and word choice were becoming less general and more

interesting. In this paper, I included relevant quotes that fit in with the rest of the paper and

provided helpful information to the readers about the author’s opinion. For this paper, I received

9 out of 10 as my grade. At this point in the semester, I had corrected many of my earlier

problems with following directions for article responses, including writing a unique title, creating

paragraphs of equal length, and having a working link to the original article. This paper showed

improvement both in my understanding of the assignment and in my writing ability to share the

author’s ideas with readers. During this semester, I went to see Dr. Horton several times to ask

about my papers, and I did several extra credit assignments to help sharpen my writing skills. I

worked very hard to listen to Dr. Horton’s feedback and make improvements as he suggested,

and I believe my writing improved steadily throughout the semester.

10

Least Successful Article ResponseKyle Beckett

Limitations: Are They For The Best?

Berry, Wendell. “Faustian Eeconomics: Hell hath no Llimits.” Harper’s Magazine. May 2008.

Web. 13 December, 2011.

http://harpers.org/archive/2008/05/0082022

In Wendell Berry’s article , Faustian Economics: Hell Hath No Limits, he writes about

America’s ever growing idea problem of our society’s limitlessness in our way of living and

growth. He Berry believes the idea of limitlessness for the American society sprung from the

creation of the ConstitutionDeclaration of Independence, which allowss people to have

inalienable rights and the right to pursue happinessthat are not allowed to be taken away from the

people, including the right to pursue happiness. Berry claims that tThis mandate has, in turn, has

created a society where people are allowed to do almost anything they desire to be achieve

whatever the person thinks will bring them happinessy. Berry writes of how mMany people

have betrayed their friends, sold out on their morals, and many other things in order to pursue

happiness. Wendell BPerry writes that the idea of limitlessness and the right for the American

people to pursuit happiness has expanded and will grow even more as the years go by., Berry

believes that this will happen due to the fact that people will desire more goods and possessions

want more since they people believe it is in their right to be happy and they will continuewhich

will lead to their need to work to have more things.

Formatted: Centered

Comment [B1]: A title for the paper

Formatted: Centered

Comment [B2]: Removing the article’s name

from the assignment.

Comment [B3]: The changes help focus on the

main points of the article and the paper

Comment [B4]: Providing a focus in the paper

Comment [B5]: Adds more information

Comment [B6]: Changed the ordering of the

sentence to be clearer.

Comment [B7]: A more descriptive sentence

instead of the original.

Comment [B8]: Providing more information to

the reader.

Formatted: Indent: First line: 0.5"

11

This article has cultural significance because, according to Wendell Berry, the

continually growing idea of the limitlessness of our nation’s people and our over-consumption of

goods will lead to ruin. Berry believes that As America has grown over the years, many people

have abandoned their morality for personal gain and self-gratification. tThe idea concept of the

limitlessness of our nation and its goods has grown out of controlgreatly and has lead people into

believing that the way they are living as “ insatiable consumers” is atheir right given to them by

their country. People The author asserts that people consumed with this desire want to continue

to buybuying the newest, and best big screen televisionsgoods and items to satisfy their constant

desire for happinessand fancy cars. However, he. points out that, wWith the current America’sn

current economic problems, “We must have limits or we will cease to exist as humans; perhaps

we will cease to exist.” Berry urges it has become apparent to some people that not

everythingthe reader to slow down not only personal consumption but also the desire for

continual discoveries in technology and science. The author calls for the reader to consider

limiting the urge to improve or invent and to take time to use what already exists. Taking the

author’s advice could lead people to develop an appreciation of what they have now, as well

deepen people’s ability to make the most of what they already have. will last forever and that

America will need to change soon. An example would be our use of coal in the United States. If

the rate of consumption was doubled in the United States, there would only be enough coal for a

hundred years. This massive overconsumption cannot continue, and action must occur to prevent

this decay of America and its society.

Comment [B9]: This topic sentence is now more

focused on main view of this paper.

Comment [B10]: A new topic sentence was

needed because the previous one drifted from the

topic of cultural significance.

Comment [B11]: This sentence was off topic, so

I revised it to state the author’s viewpoint.

Comment [B12]: Replaced an off topic sentence

with information about the author’s viewpoint.

Comment [B13]: Was generalizing, so used

more specific words.

Comment [B14]: A replacement for the earlier

beginning of the sentence.

Comment [B15]: Too specific information

Comment [B16]: Also too specific

Formatted: Font: (Default) Times NewRoman, 12 pt

Comment [B17]: Inserted a relevant quote to

the paragraph.

Comment [B18]: This new sentence provides

the reader with the authors call to action very

clearly.

Comment [B19]: Putting forth the authors main

point of view in the article

Comment [B20]: These sentences were off topic

from the main idea of the paragraph.

Formatted: Indent: First line: 0.5", Space

After: 0 pt

12

Least Successful Article Response

Limitations: Are They For The Best?

Berry, Wendell. “Faustian Economics: Hell hath no Limits.” Harper’s Magazine. May 2008.

Web. 13 December, 2011.

Wendell Berry writes about America’s ever growing problem of our society’s

limitlessness in our way of living and growth. Berry believes the idea of limitlessness for the

American society sprung from the creation of the Declaration of Independence, which allows

people to have inalienable rights that are not allowed to be taken away from the people,

including the right to pursue happiness. Berry claims that this mandate has, in turn, created a

society where people are allowed to do almost anything they desire to achieve whatever the

person thinks will bring them happiness. Berry writes of how many people have betrayed their

friends, sold out on their morals, and many other things in order to pursue happiness. Wendell

Berry writes that the idea of limitlessness and the right for the American people to pursuit

happiness has expanded and will grow even more as the years go by. Berry believes that this will

happen due to the fact that people will desire more goods and possessions since people believe it

is in their right to be happy which will lead to their need to work to have more things.

This article has cultural significance because, according to Wendell Berry, the

continually growing idea of the limitlessness of our nation’s people and our over-consumption of

goods will lead to ruin. Berry believes that the concept of the limitlessness of our nation and its

goods has grown greatly and has lead people into believing that living as “insatiable consumers”

is a right given to them by their country. The author asserts that people consumed with this desire

continue to buy the newest, best goods and items to satisfy their constant desire for happiness.

13

However, he points out that, with America’s current economic problems, “We must have limits

or we will cease to exist as humans; perhaps we will cease to exist.” Berry urges the reader to

slow down not only personal consumption but also the desire for continual discoveries in

technology and science. The author calls for the reader to consider limiting the urge to improve

or invent and to take time to use what already exists. Taking the author’s advice could lead

people to develop an appreciation of what they have now, as well deepen people’s ability to

make the most of what they already have.

14

Most Successful Article ResponseMost Successful Article Response

American Schools: How Can We Fix Them?

Klein, Joel. “The Failure of American Schools.” The Atlantic. The Atlantic Monthly Group. June

2011. Web. 13 December, 2011.

In Joel Klein’s article, “The Failure of American Schools,” he writesdescribes that how

the American school system has become flawed and is inefficient in its ways., Klein tells of how

the United States is currently ranked 48th in math and sciences in industrialized countries across

the world because of our flawed school systems. Klein writes of howclaims that this issue may

be fixed addressed if “the unions, the politicians, the bureaucrats, and the vendors” become well

organized and direct funds toward reforming the school systems. Klein is also concerned that

teachers who are proven to have held back their students a quarter year still holdave their

teaching jobs. Klein describes how American has become divided, with a “wealthy elite, and an

increasingly large underclass that lacks the skills to succeed” and a class of people who were not

able to receive a full education due to inferior school practices and the lack of adequate funding.

Klein wants the school system to change but believes that it the system will noton’t change

unless we perform some very drastic changesreforms. Klein proposes that the entire K-12th

gradinge system be made more accountable for its student’s grades, to attract higher quality

teachers, and to use new technology to help improve student instruction. Klein also points how

out that politics haves become involved in schools with teacher unions fighting new laws and

policies designed to increase teacher accountability for student performance.

Formatted: Centered

Formatted: Font: Italic

Comment [B1]: Removed the article title and changed the sentence structure and wording to make sense.

Comment [B2]: Removed the comma and change the second half into a different sentence.

Comment [B3]: Lets the reader know Klein’s viewpoint.

Comment [B4]: Was too similar to the beginning of the previous sentence.

Comment [B5]: Points out another view of Klein in his article.

Comment [B6]: Removed unnecessary words.

Comment [B7]: Adds information to the quote.

Comment [B8]: Trying not to use the word “it” as much. Inserted the noun to be more specific.

Comment [B9]: Reforms is a better choice.

Comment [B10]: Correcting the tenses

15

According to Klein, this issue is culturally significant because if a majority of the school

systems are under-funded and poorly staffed, then there would be a large divide of between those

who were received a better taught educationstudents from those who did not receive a higher

quality education. He fears the effect this will have on America, statingstates that, “This division

tears at the very fabric of our society.” Klein points out that how state governments are affected

by this issue, as legislation across 42 states haves recently established “highly demanding core

standards in English and math.” Klein urges the reader to ask their school systems to consider

usingstudy student results in tests to help assess the skills of their teachers. The author asks for

the creation of more charter schools in order to create at least one alternative to neighborhood

schools. Klein callsasks for school districts also to also make changes to better evaluate the

effectiveness of its schools and teachers by implementing some type of score card to record aof

studentstudents’ progress. Klein also challenges school districts to pay higher wages to the

teachers that have higher performance rates and challenges these schools to fire those who are

inadequate in their teachings. The author proposes changes to the quality of teachers being

recruited and hired by increasing standards and eliminating micromanagement.

Comment [B11]: Rewording the sentence to make the meaning more clear.

Comment [B12]: Better introduction and tie-in of Klein’s quote.

Comment [B13]: Refraining from using “ing” words.

Comment [B14]: I prefer this wording more than the previous arrangement.

16

Most Successful Article Response

American Schools: How Can We Fix Them?

Klein, Joel. “The Failure of American Schools.” The Atlantic. The Atlantic Monthly Group. June

2011. Web. 13 December, 2011.

Joel Klein describes how the American school system has become flawed and is

inefficient in its ways. Klein tells of how the United States is currently ranked 48th in math and

sciences in industrialized countries across the world because of our flawed school systems.

Klein claims that this issue may be addressed if “the unions, the politicians, the bureaucrats,

and the vendors” become well organized and direct funds toward reforming the school

systems. Klein is also concerned that teachers who are proven to have held back their students

still hold their teaching jobs. Klein describes how America has become divided, with a “wealthy

elite, and an increasingly large underclass that lacks the skills to succeed” and a class of people

who were not able to receive a full education due to inferior school practices and the lack of

adequate funding. Klein wants the school system to change but believes that the system will

not change unless we perform some very drastic reforms. Klein proposes that the entire K-12

grading system be made more accountable for its student’s grades, attract higher quality

teachers, and use new technology to help improve student instruction. Klein also points out

that politics have become involved in schools with teacher unions fighting new laws and

policies designed to increase teacher accountability for student performance.

According to Klein, this issue is culturally significant because if a majority of the school

systems are under-funded and poorly staffed, then there would be a large divide between

those who were received a better education from those who did not receive a higher quality

17

education. He fears the effect this will have on America, stating that, “This division tears at the

very fabric of our society.” Klein points out how state governments are affected by this issue, as

legislation across 42 states have recently established “highly demanding core standards in

English and math.” Klein urges the reader to ask their school systems to study student results in

tests to help assess the skills of their teachers. The author asks for the creation of more charter

schools in order to create at least one alternative to neighborhood schools. Klein calls for school

districts to also make changes to better evaluate the effectiveness of its schools and teachers

by implementing some type of score card to record a students’ progress. Klein also challenges

school districts to pay higher wages to the teachers that have higher performance rates and

challenges these schools to fire those who are inadequate in their teachings. The author

proposes changes to the quality of teachers being recruited and hired by increasing standards

and eliminating micromanagement.

Beckett 20

18

Formatted: Left, Tab stops: 5.74", Left

Kyle Beckett

Professor Horton

English 1101

18 September 2011

Money: Can It Really Buy Friendship?

Who among us has never had the dream when he was a kid to someday become a

millionaire? Many people would love not to work for a living anymore and just be able to relax

for the rest of their lives. Having a large amount of money would seem to erase most of our

troubles and allow us to enjoy ourselvesour lives problem free. I know people who associate

having money with happiness and fulfillment, but author Graeme Wood questions this

assumption in his article, Secret Fears of the Super-Rich, asking “Does great wealth bring

fulfillment?” Through the research of Boston College’s Center on Wealth and Philanthropy,

Wood learned that many wealthy people have said that they are not fulfilled by their money and

constantly want more money. Most of the survey respondents, who he called the “super-rich”

because they had millions of dollars or more, claimed that they did not feel financially secure

and would require on average one-quarter more wealth than they currently possessed. Others

claimed that giving their money to charity groups or other organizations gave them a sense of

fulfillment that the money alone could not do. I learned that, despite their enormous wealth, the

super-rich were not automatically happy with their money and were unsatisfied with what they

have.

According to Wood, having enormous wealth has an effect on the ability to makeing and

keeping friends. Wood found that one common complaint of the super-rich was isolation from

others because of the differences in their financial balance sheets. While I do not know any

Comment [B1]: Providing more detail about the hopes of luxury.

Comment [B2]: Removed due to the simplicity of the word usage.

Comment [B3]: Removed to follow rule to not place the article’s title in the essay.

Comment [B4]: An unnecessary word.

Comment [B5]: By adding these words, they broaden the groups of people involved in this article.

Comment [B6]: The article did not list other organizations the rich donated to so this part just added excess information.

Comment [B7]: Changed the words so that the words would not contain “ing.”

Beckett 20

19

Formatted: Left, Tab stops: 5.74", Left

millionaires, I have noticed that people who are struggling with their personal finances are often

not comfortable in their relationships with others at a higher income. In my experiences, the

differences in the amount of money people have an impact on relationships and friendships, even

among people who are not super-rich. An example of this impact is the friendship between my

best friend, Marcus, and me. We have been good friends for many years, despite our differences

in our levels of income. I was slightly surprised to learn from Wood’s article that the wealthy

respondents were a “generally dissatisfied lot, whose money has contributed to deep anxieties

involving love, work, and family”. This isWood’s claim is interesting an interesting claim, for

most of the people I know think that money is associated with happiness. Marcus is a good good

example of someone whose relationships with friends have been hurt because of money due to

his his reluctance to accept help. I believe that Marcus does not associate money with happiness,

but his relationships and goals have been affected by the money he has.

At a young age, Marcus and I did not care about or notice about how much money ourwe

or our friends had. Marcus is from a low income family and had very little money to spare, for

even the necessities for life. I met Marcus when we were in fourth grade in the first year of a new

school, Rocky Branch Elementary, where we were both in the same class. I felt bad for him

because he was often unable to purchase or bring food for himself to school and at other places

as well. I believe that, at a young age, most children are focused on how likable or friendly the

other kids are or a common interest between them. Marcus and I became friends because we

shared a common interest in reading, particularly comic books and science fiction novels. As

elementary students, we enjoyed playing together and talking about books that we had read, and

we never talked about the fact that we did not have the same standard of living. As a kid, I barely

had any spending money anyway, so I did not focus on thenotice any difference between our

Comment [B8]: Without this word, was generalizing before for all the lower income families that I know.

Comment [B9]: Clarifies what I am speaking of in the friendship.

Comment [B10]: Adding an adjective clarifies how surprised I was with this information.

Comment [B11]: I believe that this wording choice is clearer to the readers.

Comment [B12]: This lets the reader know that we did not recognize our differences.

Comment [B13]: This illuminates that Marcus could not afford things that were necessary for life.

Comment [B14]: This information seems to be unnecessary and is unneeded.

Comment [B15]: When I was younger, I did not notice any details such as differences in wealth, and this part made it seem like I did notice it then, but ignored it.

Beckett 20

20

Formatted: Left, Tab stops: 5.74", Left

families’ incomes or our own income levels. There may have be thea possibility that children do

not have to spend much money in their earlier years for what they need or want, and as a result

they are not exposed to the ideas of wealth until later in their lives.

I became more aware of the differences in our finances as we began middle school. When

I joined the same Boy Scout troop as Marcus, we began to spend more time on the weekends. I

began to notice that Marcus became more self-conscious of the growing strain on relationships

with his friends on ourOur troops went on camping trips tripswhere I began to notice that Marcus

became more self-conscious of the growing strain on relationships with his friends. I saw his

interest in the things that they had bought that he could not afford, so he was only able to play

with those things when his friends let him come over. I believe that when Marcus was around his

friends who generally had more money and toys than he had, he became more self-conscious of

himself appearing to others that he was poor and needed their help. When our troop went on

more costlylonger camping trips, we usually stopped someplace to eat for lunch, like at a

McDonald’s. Many of the times that we stopped for food, Marcus claimed that he was not

hungry and that he did not need to buy anythingany food for himself. It was about that time that

I discovered it was not that he Marcus was not hungry, but that he did not have the money for the

meal, even for something as inexpensive as food from the dollar menu at McDonald’s.

Eventually, I realized Marcus was self-conscious because he came from a family with a

lower income than other boys in our scout troop and did not have the same amount of wealth that

the other scouts had. I often tried to share food and other things with him, knowing that he

needed it, but he was not comfortable accepting help. I felt that he did not want us to spend our

money or goods on him and did not like it when his friends constantly tried to do so. The more

frequently we did ittried to help him, the more aggravated Marcus would become with us, which

Comment [B16]: I reworked the sentence structure to create a clearer message to the reader.

Comment [B17]: Marcus is more concerned with others thinking he needs their help. The money is just part of this issue

Comment [B18]: This word explains the need to stop at a restaurant better.

Comment [B19]: Helps the audience understand that the topic is about food.

Comment [B20]: Clarifies what his friends were trying to do.

Beckett 20

21

Formatted: Left, Tab stops: 5.74", Left

in turn would make it much more difficult for us to help him. Marcus did not want to accept

charity in the form of money or food even when he might have needed it. I think that as kids

begin to enter their teenage years, they start to care more what other kids think about them. I saw

that differences in money made Marcus more self-conscious and influenced his choices. I believe

that the difficulties that less financially stable people or families can have accepting help or gifts

from others can make it difficult to help them when needed. I saw that Marcus did not enjoy

being in debt to another person, no matter how trivial it the debt may have seemed.

When I began high school, I had more opportunities to spend time with Marcus and saw

that he appeared even more unwilling to receive help financially. I noticed that Marcus almost

never bought lunch, insisting that he was not hungry and that he did not need lunch. I did try to

offer any food that I did not want to eat, and he accepted it with reluctance. I believe that

accepting handouts was difficult for him because he did not like the thought of being in debt to

others and taking things from them. I did not think that it was much of a problem at the time,

because he did not seem to be losing any weight and he had the same level of energy as always. I

noticed on a backpacking trip that the only food Marcus had packed for two days was Strawberry

Pop-tarts. The fact that he did not have the money to spare to purchase his meals concerned me.

While his mom did give him some money for his meals, he usually kept the money to save it for

some future purchase, usually involving a game or a book. Sometimes, Marcus had a different

set of priorities at times and focused on purchasing items games or books at the expense of

buying necessary goods and had a different set of priorities occasionally. Marcus had become

accustomed to refusing help from others, no matter what was being offered to him, on an almost

regular basis.

Comment [B21]: These words just confuse the main point of the sentence by adding unnecessary information

Comment [B22]: Removes the word “it” and clarifies the focus of the sentence.

Comment [B23]: An unneeded descriptive

Comment [B24]: Was able to change the structure of the sentence to where it became easier to understand

Beckett 20

22

Formatted: Left, Tab stops: 5.74", Left

When I was older, I learned from Marcus that he had a job for two summers and earned a

nice paycheck. This increased cash flow may have disturbed disrupted his focus on his school

work. I later discovered that Marcus was falling behind in his school work and in our Boy Scout

troops. This change may have occurred duehad some relationship to the income he had made

over the summer. Near the end of high school, I learned that Marcus was taking online courses at

home to help him to graduate. Apparently, he had been slack in his school work and had fallen

behind in some of his classes in the past. Marcus was not able to graduate with me that year and

had to stay behind for another semester. I felt that Marcus could have been able to advance more

quickly in Scouting and be able to graduate high school if he had asked for some help. I believe

that Marcus’s attitude towards his school work changed because the money he got from his

summer job may have distracted him from focusing on his grades. In his article, Wood wrote

that, for those with disposable income, money can be good or evil: “Money is like fire: it will

warm your feet or it will burn your socks off”. I think Marcus got burned with by the fire of

money and as a result did not graduate on time or be able to attain his Eagle Scout rank..

Regardless of income and bank account balances, maintaining a friendship is difficult.

While changes in personal values and interests can be enough to ruin a friendship, the gap

created by differences in personal finances can lead to stressed friendships. Students, like Marcus

who come from lower income families, often start to lag behind their classmates and find it hard

to accept help or even to ask for help. In a survey done by the American Youth Policy Forum,

high school students from low income families (the lowest 20%) dropped out of school at six

times the rate of their peers from higher-income families. I would argue that if the relationships

between people of different income levels improve, there might be an increase in high school

graduation rates. Maintaining a friendship could improve the level of trust and lead someone to

Comment [B25]: Disrupted is a more appropriate term for what I am trying to convey.

Comment [B26]: This change makes the sentence clearer.

Comment [B27]: Clarifies what he might have been able to advance more quickly in.

Comment [B28]: Lets the reader know that I believe Marcus could have done both of these things.

Comment [B29]: A better descriptive in this sentence.

Beckett 20

23

Formatted: Left, Tab stops: 5.74", Left

ask for help with difficult high school courses. Marcus might have accepted help from me if he

had understood my sincerity in wanting him to succeed, but instead, he choose to do things his

own way. I feel bad for letting him down in that way, but I have learned that I must do a better

job of communicating to my friends my interest in their well-being. I have learned discovered

that maintaining and strengthening a friendship between those who have many differences for a

long period of time is difficult. We must accept this challenge and find ways to invest in our

friends so that we can continue to be with them through good times and bad as friends.

Works Cited

Martin, Nancy and Samuel Halperin. "Whatever It Takes: How Twelve Communities Are Reconnecting

Out-Of-School Youth ... The Dropout Problem in Numbers." (2006) Washington, DC. American Youth

Policy Forum. Web, 18 Sep 2011.

Wood, Graeme. “Secret Fears of the Super Rich.” The Atlantic. The Atlantic Monthly Group.,

April 2011. Web. 24 September, 2011.

Comment [B30]: This sentence does not really accomplish anything and is

Comment [B31]: Removing this broadens the subject of the sentence.

Comment [B32]: Refraining from using the same word twice that are so close together.

Formatted: Indent: First line: 0"

Formatted: Centered

Formatted: Indent: First line: 0"

24

Money: Can It Really Buy Friendship?

Who among us has never had the dream when he was a kid to someday become a

millionaire? Many people would love not to work for a living anymore and just be able to relax

for the rest of their lives. Having a large amount of money would seem to erase most of our

troubles and allow us to enjoy our lives problem free. I know people who associate having

money with happiness and fulfillment, but author Graeme Wood questions this assumption in his

article, asking “Does great wealth bring fulfillment?” Through the research of Boston College’s

Center on Wealth and Philanthropy, Wood learned that many wealthy people have said that they

are not fulfilled by their money and constantly want more money. Most of the survey

respondents, who he called the “super-rich” because they had millions of dollars or more,

claimed that they did not feel financially secure and would require on average one-quarter more

wealth than they currently possessed. Others claimed that giving their money to charity groups

gave them a sense of fulfillment that the money alone could not do. I learned that, despite their

enormous wealth, the super-rich were not automatically happy with their money and were

unsatisfied with what they have.

According to Wood, having enormous wealth has an effect on the ability to make and

keep friends. Wood found that one common complaint of the super-rich was isolation from

others because of the differences in their financial balance sheets. While I do not know any

millionaires, I have noticed that people who are struggling with their personal finances are often

not comfortable in their relationships with others at a higher income. In my experiences, the

differences in the amount of money people have an impact on relationships and friendships, even

among people who are not super-rich. An example of this impact is the friendship between my

best friend, Marcus, and me. We have been good friends for many years, despite our differences

25

in our levels of income. I was slightly surprised to learn from Wood’s article that the wealthy

respondents were a “generally dissatisfied lot, whose money has contributed to deep anxieties

involving love, work, and family”. Wood’s claim is interesting, for most people I know think

that money is happiness. Marcus is a good example of someone whose relationships with friends

have been hurt due to his reluctance to accept help. I believe that Marcus does not associate

money with happiness, but his relationships and goals have been affected by the money he has.

At a young age, Marcus and I did not care about or notice how much money we or our

friends had. Marcus is from a low income family and had very little money to spare, for even the

necessities for life. I met Marcus when we were in fourth grade in the first year of a new school,

Rocky Branch Elementary, where we were both in the same class. I felt bad for him because he

was often unable to purchase or bring food for himself to school and at other places as well. I

believe that, at a young age, most children are focused on how likable or friendly the other kids

are or a common interest between them. Marcus and I became friends because we shared a

common interest in reading. As elementary students, we enjoyed playing together and talking

about books that we had read, and we never talked about the fact that we did not have the same

standard of living. As a kid, I barely had any spending money anyway, so I did not notice any

difference between our families’ incomes or our own income levels. There may be the possibility

that children do not have much money in their earlier years, and as a result they are not exposed

to the ideas of wealth until later in their lives.

I became more aware of the differences in our finances as we began middle school. When

I joined the same Boy Scout troop as Marcus, we began to spend more time on the weekends. I

began to notice that Marcus became more self-conscious of the growing strain on relationships

with his friends on our troops camping trips. I saw his interest in the things that they had bought

26

that he could not afford, so he was only able to play with those things when his friends let him

come over. I believe that when Marcus was around his friends who generally had more money

and toys than he had, he became more self-conscious of himself appearing to others that he

needed their help. When our troop went on longer camping trips, we usually stopped someplace

to eat for lunch, like at a McDonald’s. Many of the times that we stopped for food, Marcus

claimed that he was not hungry and that he did not need to buy any food for himself. It was

about that time that I discovered it was not that Marcus was not hungry, but that he did not have

the money for the meal, even for something as inexpensive as food from the dollar menu at

McDonald’s.

Eventually, I realized Marcus was self-conscious because he came from a family with a

lower income than other boys in our scout troop and did not have the same amount of wealth that

the other scouts had. I often tried to share food and other things with him, knowing that he

needed it, but he was not comfortable accepting help. I felt that he did not want us to spend our

money or goods on him and did not like it when his friends constantly tried to do so. The more

frequently we tried to help him, the more aggravated Marcus would become with us, which in

turn would make it much more difficult for us to help him. Marcus did not want to accept charity

in the form of money or food even when he needed it. I think that as kids begin to enter their

teenage years, they start to care more what other kids think about them. I saw that differences in

money made Marcus more self-conscious and influenced his choices. I believe that the

difficulties that less financially stable people or families can have accepting help or gifts from

others can make it difficult to help them when needed. I saw that Marcus did not enjoy being in

debt to another person, no matter how trivial the debt may have seemed.

27

When I began high school, I had more opportunities to spend time with Marcus and saw

that he appeared even more unwilling to receive help financially. I noticed that Marcus almost

never bought lunch, insisting that he was not hungry and that he did not need lunch. I did try to

offer any food that I did not want to eat, and he accepted it with reluctance. I believe that

accepting handouts was difficult for him because he did not like the thought of being in debt to

others and taking things from them. I did not think that it was much of a problem at the time,

because he did not seem to be losing any weight and he had the same level of energy. I noticed

on a backpacking trip that the only food Marcus had packed for two days was Strawberry Pop-

tarts. The fact that he did not have the money to spare to purchase his meals concerned me.

While his mom did give him some money for his meals, he usually kept the money to save it for

some future purchase, usually involving a game or a book. Marcus had a different set of

priorities at times and focused on purchasing games or books at the expense of buying necessary

goods. Marcus had become accustomed to refusing help from others, no matter what was being

offered to him, on an almost regular basis.

When I was older, I learned from Marcus that he had a job for two summers and earned a

nice paycheck. This increased cash flow may have disrupted his focus on his school work. I later

discovered that Marcus was falling behind in his school work and in our Boy Scout troop. This

change may have occurred due to the income he had made over the summer. Near the end of

high school, I learned that Marcus was taking online courses at home to help him to graduate.

Apparently, he had been slack in his school work and had fallen behind in some of his classes in

the past. Marcus was not able to graduate with me that year and had to stay behind for another

semester. I felt that Marcus could have been able to advance more quickly in Scouting and be

able to graduate high school if he had asked for some help. I believe that Marcus’s attitude

28

towards his school work changed because the money he got from his summer job may have

distracted him from focusing on his grades. In his article, Wood wrote that, for those with

disposable income, money can be good or evil: “Money is like fire: it will warm your feet or it

will burn your socks off”. I think Marcus got burned by the fire of money and as a result did not

graduate on time or be able to attain his Eagle Scout rank.

Regardless of income and bank account balances, maintaining a friendship is difficult.

While changes in personal values and interests can be enough to ruin a friendship, the gap

created by differences in personal finances can lead to stressed friendships. Students, like Marcus

who come from lower income families, often start to lag behind their classmates and find it hard

to accept help or even to ask for help. In a survey done by the American Youth Policy Forum,

high school students from low income families (the lowest 20%) dropped out of school at six

times the rate of their peers from higher-income families. I would argue that if the relationships

between people of different income levels improve, there might be an increase in high school

graduation rates. Marcus might have accepted help from me if he had understood my sincerity in

wanting him to succeed, but he choose to do things his own way. I feel bad for letting him down

in that way, but I have learned that I must do a better job of communicating to my friends. I have

discovered that maintaining and strengthening a friendship between those who have many

differences for a long period of time is difficult. We must accept this challenge and find ways to

invest in our friends so that we can continue to be with them through good times and bad as

friends.

29

Works Cited

Martin, Nancy and Samuel Halperin. "Whatever It Takes: How Twelve Communities Are Reconnecting

Out-Of-School Youth ... The Dropout Problem in Numbers." (2006) Washington, DC. American Youth

Policy Forum. Web, 18 Sep 2011.

Wood, Graeme. “Secret Fears of the Super Rich.” The Atlantic. The Atlantic Monthly Group.

April 2011. Web. 24 September, 2011.