The Joy of Cooking

Humans

Simple, delicious recipes for cannibalistic hordes of the undead to enjoy together.

By Natalie Slater

THANK YOU

Special thanks go out to Putrid, who generously donated all of

the zombie artwork for this cookbook. Please take a look at all of

his wonderfully disgusting drawings at

myspace.com/putridgoreart

Thanks to my husband, Tony for taking Teno to the children’s

museum so I could work on my book in peace and for not

complaining about how long it took or how many times I asked

him for recipe ideas.

Special thanks to my mom and dad for always getting me

involved in the kitchen, and to my grandma who makes the best

spaghetti sauce in the world.

Thanks to my Zombies in Popular Media professor, Brendan

Riley, for teaching a class for which a zombie cookbook is a

totally reasonable final project.

And finally, thanks to Lucio Fulci for dreaming up some of my

favorite monsters. Fulci lives!

Page 12 A Word From the Author

3. size of a dime in the center of each cupcake, going about two thirds of the way in. Pull the little plug of cake out. Cut off the top of this piece (about 1/2 inch thick) and eat or discard the bottom. Use a teaspoon or a squeeze bottle to fill the hole partway with the blood. Put the little cake plug back in. Continue with the rest of the hearts.

4. Put one third of the frosting into two separate bowls.

Color one bowl of frosting with the red food coloring. Tint the other bowl of the frosting blue. Tint the remaining two thirds pink.

5. Frost the cupcakes with the pink frosting. Make it

super smooth by dipping a butter or frosting/palette knife in a bowl of hot water and smoothing it over the top. With the pastry bag or a knife, use the red and blue frosting to make veins on the hearts.

Growing up a flesh-eating zombie in the Midwest I enjoyed raw, still-living flesh and organ meats as much as the next little undead girl. There is still a special place in my rotting heart for those meals; they conjure memories of silently invading rural towns and eating my way through the population with my brothers and sisters. Graduating from the National Zombie Culinary Institute and having little zombies of my own at home, however, is what drove me to write this cookbook. Yes, freshly eviscerated humans are delicious, but who needs all that fat and cholesterol? Modern zombies take the time to prepare their victims properly- we took our time hunting them down, after all, didn’t we? I hope you enjoy these recipes with your family. Bon appetite! Photo by Eric Staudenmaeir

Page 11

BLEEDING HEART CUPCAKES TABLE OF CONTENTS

Before we started literally eating their hearts, these confections were a human Halloween favorite; only they were filled with strawberry jelly as opposed to congealed blood. This recipe utilizes the shortcuts of cake mix and pre-made frosting. If you prefer homemade, be on the look out for my desserts book, Bake & Destroy!

Ingredients and tools: yellow or white cake mix

vanilla frosting

20 glass marbles or small balls of tinfoil

2 to 3 cups congealed blood and plasma

red and blue food coloring

pastry bag and medium round tip

Directions:

1. Preheat the oven to 350°F. Line cupcake tins with paper liners.

2. Prepare batter as directed on box. Fill the liners two-thirds full with the batter. Place 1 marble or tinfoil ball between each liner and the tin. This will make a dent in your cupcake when it bakes to make it heart-shaped. Bake the cupcakes as directed. If you are using marbles, be careful when removing the cupcakes from the tins because the marbles will be very hot. Not that you really feel pain.

Tools & Equipment 1

USDZA Food Pyramid 2

Fried Brains 3

Meatballs 4

Mageritsa 5-6

Shredded Humans 7

Braised Cheek with Coconut Risotto 8-9

The Zombie 10

Bleeding Heart Cupcakes 11-12

Thank You back cover

Page 10 Page 1 TOOLS & EQUIPMENT

THE ZOMBIE

I’ll always find the drinking habits of humans peculiar. They consume alcoholic beverages, which primarily affect their cerebral cortex, limbic system and cerebellum, rendering them just mildly more capable of thought processing and consciousness than we who possess only a medulla. Still, they named this cocktail after us and I must admit it’s a lovely way to end any meal and to start any party! Ingredients:

1 oz. apricot brandy 1 oz. light rum 1 oz. dark or Jamaican rum 1 oz. lime juice 2 dashes grenadine orange juice 1 oz. Bacardi 151 rum

Directions: 1. Mix light and dark rum and brandy in a cocktail shaker, add lime juice and grenadine. 2. Shake well and strain into a higball glass filled with cracked ice. 3. Fill glass with orange juice but leave enough room to float the 151 on top. 4. Garnish with a sweetened eyeball and an orange slice.

Measuring Cups & Spoons We zombies are no longer savages, ripping living flesh from bone. Cooking requires proper measurement and doing so calls for these tools, which are widely available. Mixing Bowls Because we are no longer simply eating on the run, or eating those who run away, we must take the time to season our meat. These bowls, available in a variety of sizes, are a civilized replacement for simply cracking open a skull and using it as a soup bowl. Pots & Pans These are relatively new to our community, but let me tell you- they sure make cooking and baking a lot easier! Get yourself a casserole dish, a medium sauce pan, a large stew pot, a cast iron skillet, a cookie sheet, and if you plan on making desserts, some cake pans and a muffin pan and you’ll be off to a good start. Cutlery & Silverware Again, these are new to most of us, but cooked food is often sauced and seasoned- too messy to eat with our bare hands. A good set of knives is not only necessary for removing flesh from bone, but it also terrifies the humans. A knife-wielding zombie- can you imagine?

Page 9 Page 2

BRAISED CHEEK CONT. USDZA FOOD PYRAMID

3. In a Dutch oven or oven-safe pot, cook the bacon slowly over low heat. Add the chopped onion, carrot, and ginger, and cook for 4 minutes. Add the wine, soy sauce, and pineapple skin, and bring to a boil. Add the stock, and return to a boil. Add the seared cheeks, and place pot in the oven to braise for 2 1/2 hours.

4. Closer to serving time, make the risotto. In a medium saucepot, sweat the remaining diced onion in 2 to 3 tablespoons butter for 2 minutes over medium heat. Reduce the heat to low. Add the risotto rice, and stir with a wooden spoon to coat it in the butter. Slowly add the brain broth in 2 equal additions, not adding the second addition until the first has been almost completely absorbed. Stir constantly during the entire process. After all of the brain broth has been absorbed, add the coconut milk, and then add enough of the braising liquid until the risotto is cooked to your taste. Fold in the remaining 1 tablespoon butter, papaya, tomato, and herbs. Serve immediately.

5. Place the risotto in the center of a plate and place 2 cheeks on top. Garnish parsnip chips or fried shallots, if desired.

The Food Pyramid, developed by the US Department of Zombie

Agriculture (USDZA), is an excellent tool to help you make

healthy food choices. The food pyramid can help you choose

from a variety of foods so you get the nutrients you need, and

the suggested serving sizes can help you control the amount of

calories, fat, saturated fat, cholesterol, sugar or sodium in your

diet.

graphic by Mike Capen

Page 3 Page 8

FRIED BRAINS

A twist on a Bobby Flay recipe, this tasted particularly delicious with the famous New York chef’s cheek meat inside! Sadly, there was only enough of Mr. Flay for my family, but I’m sure whatever chef you eat will turn out just as succulent!

Ingredients: 8 good-sized cheeks salt and freshly ground black pepper vegetable oil, for searing 2 slices human bacon, chopped 1 onion, chopped, plus 1/2 onion, diced 1 carrot, peeled and chopped 1 stick ginger, chopped 4 cups red wine 3/4 cup soy sauce skin from 1 whole pineapple 4 cups human stock 2 to 3 tablespoons butter, plus 1 tablespoon 1 cup arborio rice 2 1/2 cups brain broth 1 can coconut milk 1/2 cup diced papaya 1 tomato, diced 2 sprigs mint, chopped 2 sprigs cilantro, chopped

Directions: 1. Preheat the oven to 300 degrees F.

2. Season the cheeks with salt and pepper on both sides.

Heat a large skillet over medium-high heat, and then add enough oil to lightly coat the skillet. Let the oil heat, and then add the cheeks to the pan, and sear on all sides until browned.

Continued on page 9

BRAISED CHEEK WITH COCONUT RISOTTO

A staple in our diets, brains are delicious, nutritious and readily available. This preparation, borrowed from Latino traditions, serves six and is ready in a snap!

Ingredients:

1-1/2 pounds of brains

3 tablespoons mild vinegar or juice of 1 lemon salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

1 cup cracker meal or fine bread crumbs vegetable or peanut oil for frying 1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh parsley 2 limes, cut into wedges, for garnish Directions:

2 large eggs, lightly beaten

1. Soak brains in cold water for one hour, changing the water twice. Remove the skin and membranes.

2. Place the prepared brains in a medium-size saucepan and cover with salted water and vinegar. Simmer over low heat, uncovered, for 15 minutes. Drain and rinse in cold water. Pat dry with paper towels and cool to room temperature.

3. Place the cooled brains in a non-reactive bowl, sprinkle with salt and pepper and allow to stand, covered, at room temperature 1 hour. Cut into bite-size pieces. Drain, pat dry with paper towels, dip in the beaten eggs, and roll in the cracker meal.

4. In a large skillet, heat 2 inches of oil to 375 F, or until the oil sizzles when a piece of meat touches it. Fry the brains until lightly golden, and drain on paper towels. Transfer to a serving platter, garnish with the parsley and lime wedges, and serve hot.

Page 7 Page 4

SHREDDED HUMANS MEATBALLS These are fabulous homemade meatballs just like grandma used to make. Well, I make mine out of someone’s grandma, anyway. Serve them as appetizers or with pasta.

Ingredients: 1 lb lean ground flesh 1/2 cup Italian bread crumbs 1/3 cup water (more or less) 1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese 1 medium onion garlic salt pepper

Directions:

1. Mix all ingredients together. Don't add all of the water at one time. Mixture should be moist but not so that the meatballs fall apart.

2. Shape meatballs to desired size and place on a

broiler pan (I wet my hands before shaping each meatball and it helps make a nice meatball.) Broil until outside is slightly brown on one side and then turn and broil the other side.

I always use a human male’s shoulder for this recipe; they tend to be meatier. This is another fabulous Latino recipe that serves 10- make it even more authentic by using a Latino’s shoulder!

Ingredients:

1-1/4 cups catsup

1 cup chopped celery

1/2 cup water 1/2 cup honey 1/4 cup lemon juice 3 Tbsp white vinegar 3 Tbsp Worcestershire sauce

2 Tbsp dry mustard

1 tsp salt

1/2 tsp pepper

One 3- to 4-lb. boneless male shoulder roast

1 cup chopped onion

Crusty rolls or flour tortillas

Directions:

1. In a medium bowl stir together the catsup, celery, onion, water, honey, lemon juice, vinegar, Worcestershire sauce, mustard, salt and pepper.

2. Trim any fat from meat. Place meat in a 13x9x2-inch baking pan. Pour sauce mixture over meat. Cover pan with foil. Bake in a 300-degree oven for 3-1/2 to 4 hours or until meat is very tender.

3. Remove meat to a cutting board, reserving sauce. Using two forks, shred human; place in a medium bowl.

4. Skim fat from sauce. Add enough of the reserved sauce to moisten meat (about 1 cup)

5. Serve meat in rolls or tortillas.

Page 5 Page 6

Directions:

1. Clean the intestines thoroughly by turning them inside out, using a long skewer or stick (this turning will be quicker if the intestines are first cut into 2-foot lengths), then wash under cold running water until clean. Rub the intestines with salt and the juice of 1/2 lemon, rinse again in cold water and drain. Braid the intestines or tie the ends together with clean string. Put in a large soup pot with the head if using, and cover with cold water. Bring to a boil, then lower the heat. Skim and simmer for 30 minutes.

2. Remove the intestines, drain them, and cut into 1/4 inch pieces and set aside to add to the soup later. (Use the remaining portion of the head or another dish.)

3. Bring the soup stock to a boil and add the scallions, parsley, dill, and celery leaves. Cut the heart, lungs, and liver into small bite-sized cubes, and add them to the soup, and simmer for 15 minutes. Add the rice, cut-up intestines, aniseed, salt and pepper to taste and continue simmering until the rice is tender, approximately 15 minutes, adding more water as needed and the brains during the last few minutes of cooking.

4. Half an hour before serving, bring the soup to a boil, then remove from the heat and prepare the avgolemono: Beat the eggs for 2 minutes. Continue to beat,

gradually add the remaining lemon juice. Then 1-2 cups of the hot soup by droplets, beating steadily, until all has been added. Add the avgolemono to the soup. Stir over minimum heat until thickened. Serve warm but avoid boiling the soup after adding the avgolemono.

MAGERITSA

This recipe comes from a traditional Greek Easter soup. I thought it was fitting to add this to my cookbook, as Jesus is possibly the world’s most beloved undead. To make eight servings, follow this recipe using one 20 lb. baby human. For a party, use an adult human, about 120 lbs. And multiply the other measurements by five.

intestines, heart, lungs and liver of one baby feet, head and stomach (optional) salt 2 lemons (juice only) 1 small bunch scallions, chopped 2/3 cup chopped fresh parsley

1/2 cup chopped fresh dill

1/4 cup chopped celery leaves

6 tbs raw long-grain white rice

1/2 tsp aniseed (optional)

Ingredients:

freshly ground pepper 3 whole eggs

Note: If using the head, wash it, then soak it in cold water for 3 hours. Drain. Cut the head in half, using a sharp knife, and tie with a clean string. If using the feet and stomach, prepare as follows: If stomach is not partially cooked, cut open with a sharp knife and clean the inside thoroughly under running water. Put in a pan with cold salted water to cover and soak for 30 minutes, then drain and wash with cold water. Cut into small pieces and put in a large soup pot with the feet. Cover with cold water, and simmer until tender, adding salt to taste during the last minutes of cooking. Cube the stomach, remove the meat of the feet from the bones, and add to the mageritsa at the same time as the cut-up intestines, adjusting the liquid by adding more water.

Zombie Jesus by Eric Poulton