Ten Ways to Turn Around Your Teen
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TenWaysTo
Turn
AroundYour
Teen
(e-book)
by
MARKGREGSTON
HEARTLIGHTMINISTRIESFOUNDATION
POBOX480
Hallsville,TX75650
PHONE:903-668-2173
www.heart
lightresources.org
www.heart
lightministries.org
www.ma
rkgregston.com
2009HEARTLIGH
TMINISTRIESFOUNDATION
Reproductionorduplicationinanyformofanyportionofthemateria
l
containedinthispublicationforthepurposeofsellingorgaininganyfo
rm
ofremunerationforthismaterialoranypartthereofisstrictlyprohibit
ed
byU.S.
copyrightlaw.
MarkGre
gstonisthefounderofHeartlightMin
istries,aresidential
counselingprogramforteens,andtheauthoro
fseveralbooksand
workbook
s.HeisacolumnistandthehostofPa
rentingTodaysTeens
onradiod
ailyacrossNorthAmerica.Apopular
speakerandseminar
leader,M
arkofferspracticalwisdomforparent
swantingadeeper
relationsh
ipwiththeirteen.
Forover3
0years,Markhasbeenhelpingfamiliesandteensthrough
thechalle
ngesofadolescence.InthewordsofDr.TimKimmel,Mark
Gregston
hasnevermetateenagerhecantbelieveinoraparenthe
doesntw
anttohelpbecomebetter....
[he]hasaclearbigpicture
graspofe
ffectiveparenting.ItsformattedbythepowerofGods
graceand
seasonedfromdecadesofexperience.
Markand
hiswifeJanhavebeenmarriedfor34
yearsandhavetwo
childrena
ndtwograndchildren.
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9/55b
etterwayforthenexttimetheyaref
acedwiththesamedecision.Giving
t
eenagersincreasinglevelsofindependence,coupledwithproperlimitsand
p
arentalguidance,willbegintoteachthemthemostimportanttypeofcont
rol,
s
elf-control.
-2-
LearntoManageCo
nflict
osto
fuswanttoavoidconflictwithourkids,butdidyouknowthat
conflictinafamilycanofferyouanopport
unitytopulltogetherlike
neve
rbefore?Ifreckonedwithproperly,conflictisaforceforchange
thathasthepow
ertobringsrelationshipstogetherra
therthantearthemapart.
Anotherpositiveaspectofconflictisthatithelpsach
ildlearnhowtostandupfor
himself.HowelsewillhelearnhowtosayNowhen
heneedsto,orThatsjust
notright,or,Idontagreewiththat.
So,
howcanyou
effectivelymanageconflictwithyourteeninawaythatmaintains
asolidrelations
hip,whileatthesametimehonorsthehouseholdrules?
First,itinvolves
agreeingwiththeminsomeway,whileholdingyourgroundin
regardtoenforcingtherulesLetmesharewithyouoneofmyfavoritewordswhen
itcomestoman
agingconflict;thewordis,
nevertheless.
Sweetheart,Im
awareyourfriendsthinkthisisagrea
tmovie,andtheymaybe
right,neverthele
ssourruleforthatisthatwedontg
otoR-ratedmovies.
Darlin,youmay
havemeritforbeingupsetandIdprobablybeupsettoo,
neverthelessourruleisthateveryoneinourfamilyisrequiredtoberespectfulof
oneanother,evenwhenwereangry.
Son,Imsorryyo
udontlikethenewcurfewrule.IdidnteitherwhenIwasateen,
neverthelessourruleisthatcurfewismidnight.
Handlingconflic
tinamoreintentionalwaysendsyou
rchildthemessageHoney,
IloveyouandIunderstandwhyyoufeelthewayyou
do,
butwerestillgoingto
liveaccordingto
ourhouseholdrules.Ifyouchoosetodisregardtherules,
consequencesw
illfollow.
Yousee,Ibeliev
econflictdoesnthavetoseparateus
.Theword,
nevertheless
acknowledgesy
ourteensangstorviewpoint,whilea
tthesametimereaffirming
M
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37/55fantasticandcaringadults.Justcallus
at903-668-2173forthenextretreatdate
a
ndmoredetailsorvisithttp://www.familycrisisconference.com.
A
ndfinally,wevedevelopedvariousb
ooks,tapesandvideoresourcestohe
lp
p
arentsdealwithastrugglingteenagerandlearnfromourownexperienceof
w
orkingwithteensfor30years.Toseetheseresourcesonline,visit
w
ww.heartlightresources.com.
-8-
EngagewithYourT
een
newou
ldthinkitisbecomingeasiertoconnectwithourteenagerstoday
withallofthenewer,faster,andeasierways
tocommunicate.Wehave
chat,e-mail,VOIP,SKYPE,instantmessaging,cellphones,textmessaging
andvoicemail.B
utaretheyreallydoinganythingtoim
proveyourparental
communications?
LatelyIwasina
conversationwhereplentyofinformationwastransferred,
lips
weremoving,m
yearswereworking,
buttherereally
wasntaconnection.Iaskeda
youngteenager
inourHeartlightresidentialcounselin
gprogramhowshewas
doing.Itwasas
implequestioninpassing,andIexpec
tedasimpleanswer.Instead,
theyoungladyproceededtotellmeeverythingaboutherself,everythingsheever
did,everythingsheeveraccomplished,everywhereshehadevertraveledand
everytalentshe
had.
Shereportedho
wshecouldplaytheguitar,thecello,theviolin,thepiano,the
harp,thedrums
,thetrumpet,thebassguitar,theflute,theclarinet,andthetuba.
Shetoldmeabo
utallthethingsshelikestodo,andallthethingsshedoesntlike
todo.Shetalkedabouthowsheisaswimmer,agymnast,adancer,anequestrian,
apianist,avolle
yballqueen,andalacrosseplayer.
Shesharedho
wshewashomecomingqueen,themostlikelytosucceedinher
class,winterballqueen,springflingqueen,andstraw
berryfestivalqueen.Shetold
mewhatshewa
ntedtobe,andwhatshedidnotwan
ttobe.Shetoldmeallher
hopesanddreams,andallherdisappointmentsandfailuresinonebreathless
dissertation.
Yougetthepict
ure,right?AllIdidwasaskherhowshewasdoing!Sheresponded
likeaChattydollonsteroids,anenergybunnywitha
mouthinsteadofadrum
onethatkeptongoing,neverstoppingtoheararesponseortoaskmeanything.
O
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elpfulPositivefeedbackshouldbedesignedtoservetheneedsoftheperson
r
eceivingit;notthepersongivingit.
R
elevantProvideguidancefortheth
ingsthatyourteencandosomething
about.
B
estWhenSolicitedFeedbackisbes
theardwhenitisgiveninresponseto
an
invitationbytheteentoshareyourop
inionorcounsel.
ImmediateGivepositivesupportatt
heearliestopportunityfollowinggood
d
ecision-making.
U
nassumingTakethewhyoutoftheconversationanddontdouble-gue
sstheir
m
otivations.Instead,
focusonwhathappened.
A
uthenticConstructivefeedbackisa
ccomplishedbestinarelationshipbuilton
c
oncernfortheteenagerswelfare,no
tonparentalconvenienceortoprotectthe
familyimage.
C
onstructiveFeedbackIsNOT
F
orcedWaittobeinvitedbeforeoffe
ringfeedback.Otherwise,itwillsoun
dlikea
lectureandfallondeafears.
O
verloadedOfferfeedbackinsmallbites.Insteadoftellingyourteeneverything
y
outhinktheyneedtoheartofixeveryproblem,
limittheinformationtowhat
t
heycanmostreadilyusetoday.Ifyou
findthisdifficult,youareprobablyse
eking
t
osatisfyyourownneeds,notyourteens.
T
hreatening-Thereshouldbenomixe
dmessagesorhiddenthreatsingiving
c
onstructivefeedback.Ifyouareunsureofhowyourteenisreceivingthemessage,
a
skhimtorephrasewhatyouvesaidt
omakesureitisclear.
Itisntalwayspossibletodeliverconstructivefeedbackwrappedupinneatlittle
p
ackages.Justbesureyourdiscussion
doesntgetoutofhandorturnintoa
cycle
o
fnegativity.Anditwillprobablybenecessarytorepeatorreinforcetheme
ssage
s
everaltimesbeforeyourteenwillclearlyunderstandwhatyouaresaying.That
justgoeswiththeterritory.
Y
oumayconsideryourfeedbacksucce
ssfulwhenyouaresureitisunderstood
e
xactlyasyoumeantit(fortheirowngood).Whetherornottheyheedtheadvice
isanothermatteraltogether.ButIvef
oundthatovertime,suchfeedbackw
ill
b
eginthattakeholdinthelifeoftheteen,especiallyiftheadviceleansmore
t
owardthepositivethanthenegative.
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ntowardyou
rboundariesandtherulesofthehom
e?
eaggressiven
essoropendefiancethatisunusually
ingandActingOutTroublingBehaviors
htthreatsofsuicide,orengaginginself-mutilation,eating
rself-destruc
tiveactivities?Doesheorsheparticip
atein
gerousdrugu
seorblatantsexualpromiscuity?Isa
once
ralcompassseeminglylost?
streatOthers
ple,pets,orb
elongingsinathreateningoroutofcontrol
hideordisconnecttheinternet,telephone,televisionin
omblatantly
andrepeatedlyusingtheminappropr
iately?
norlostbyth
eteenwithanuncaringattitudeaboutit?
considerhidingyourwallet,yourkeys,andanything
orvaluablesoutoffearyourteenmaytakethem?
f-CenteredThinking
rsheisthec
enterofyourfamily(ortheuniverse),show
rfamilymem
berstime,
feelings,schedule,or
ionorthreat
susedasatooltogetwhatheorshe
wants?
cipatewiththeFamily
participateordoanythingwiththefamily,ordisplaya
mily?Isthere
constantconflictwithonefamilymemberor
WereSeeingExtremePeer-DependentAttitudes
Arepeersthece
nterofyourchildslife?Isitnearlyim
possibletokeepyourchild
awayfrompeer
swhoareobviouslyleadingalifestyle
countertoyourbeliefs?Do
youseeyourchildbuyingintotheirattitudesandtaki
ngontheirappearance,their
talk,andtheird
angerousorillegalactivities?Doesyourteenstayupmostofthe
nighttakingcallsfromfriendsorsneakoutorrunawaytobewiththem?
0-1-2-3
-4-5
Never.O
ften.A
lways
TOTALSCORE:_
___________
SCORING:Ifyou
rassessmentscoreis25ormore,you
shouldconsidergetting
immediatecoun
selinghelpforyourteenager.