Student Guide - Revised July 2010

#3010 - Effective Interpersonal Relations

Student Guide - Revised July 2010

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction to Module ................................................................................................... 2

Assignments Due…………………………………………………………………...……3

"Knowing God and Knowing Others" by Dr. Henry Spaulding. ......................................4

Best Relationships ...........................................................................................................16

Helping Trios ..................................................................................................................17

Characteristics of Constructive Feedback .......................................................................19

The Appreciation of the Different Preferences ...............................................................21

Communication Styles of the Different Preferences ......................................................22

Using MBTI Preferences in Conversations ...................................................................23

―Adding a Personal Signature to Your Work‖ by Barbara Glanz ..................................26

"Self-Esteem and the Managing of Others" by Ken Blanchard ......................................28

"Positive Self-esteem at Work" by Kathy L. Indermill ..................................................32

Summary Paper Assignment…………………………………………………...………39

Optional Evaluation Form……………………………………………….……………..41

Textbooks:

Interpersonal Communication: An Introduction to Human Interaction by Brent C. Oberg

Bridges Not Walls, Primus Supplement (Theorists), by John Stewart

Presentation Skills, 4th

ed., by Steve Mandel


Student Guide – Revised July 2010

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INTRODUCTION TO MODULE

MHR 3010 - EFFECTIVE INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS

Effective communication is a minimum requirement for healthy personal and

professional relationships. This module emphasizes tools to help improve communication

skills in order to facilitate effective interpersonal and organizational behavior. The

process and role of perception, listening, constructive feedback and the management of

conflict will be emphasized through study, practice, and evaluation.

The teaching approach is facilitation; the goal of which is to encourage students to

practice the tools discussed in and outside of class in an effort to improve their overall

communication behavior. The student is encouraged to be a life-long learner of the

material and to maintain a "heightened sense of awareness" regarding communication

behavior.

The module also includes brief instruction in presentation skills. This is to equip

the student to successfully execute a 8 to 10 minute presentation on his/her Project Thesis

on the last night of the module.

The Critical Synthesis Paper and the Oral Presentation Critique are due week 1 of

next module.

The course requirements listed in this handbook and course content are

subject to faculty modification. The syllabus provided by the faculty member offers

the official statement of course requirements, evaluation, and grading.



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Week MHR 3010

ASSIGNMENTS DUE

Week 1 1 . Read Interpersonal Communication, Chapters 1, 2, 8

2. Read the following articles in MHR 3010:

"Best Relationships"

"Knowing God and Knowing Others"

"Adding a Personal Signature to Your Work‖

Week 2 1. Read Interpersonal Communication, Chapters 3,9,

and Theorists Supplement


"Helping Trios"

"Self-Esteem and the Managing of Others"

Week 3 1. Read Interpersonal Communication, Chapters 4,6


"Positive Self-Esteem at Work"

Week 4 1 . Read Interpersonal Communication, Chapters 5,7


"Appreciation of Different Preferences"

"Communication Styles of the Different Preferences"

"Using MBTI Preferences in Conversations"

"Characteristics of Constructive Feedback"

Week 5 Oral Presentations (8 to 10 minutes) of Thesis Progress

First session of next module –

Critical Synthesis Paper and Presentation Critique Due for Course #3010.



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KNOWING GOD AND KNOWING OTHERS:

REFLECTIONS OF THE MEANING OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

Henry W. Spaulding II, Ph.D.

Professor, Theology and Philosophy

Trevecca Nazarene University

Aristotle begins his Politics by saying that human beings are essentially political.

He, thus, affirms that human beings are naturally inclined to relate to one another. In

fact, Aristotle feels that the highest goods are only possible when we form associations.

The first of these associations is family or households. It is here that our basic physical

and emotional needs are met. This level teaches us the basic skills of life and begins to

form the fundamental elements of our character. There are deeper needs, however, which

cannot be met in the household. These needs lead us to a second level of association

which Aristotle calls the community. This is where we will associate in neighborhoods in

order to meet needs that cannot be fully met within the family. Some of these needs are

the shared concerns of the community, i.e. education, friendship, safety, etc. It is quite

obvious that these are needs that require a deeper and fuller association than households

could hope to satisfy. Yet, there remain needs that cannot be handled in either the

household or the community. Therefore, the third and final association is the state. This

level of association is composed of households and communities. This is the only level

that is characterized by self-sufficiency, it meets our global needs. It is here that people

band together to form a government that will allocate resources and balance the needs to

include the broadest possible constituency. Aristotle sees that these three fundamental

types of associations are the natural outflow of the basic political nature of humankind.



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Aristotle's Politics is an important philosophical work partly because he

acknowledges the interdependence of human life. This reality shapes life and it affects

our happiness, emotional health, and the meaning that we are able to locate in life. One

of the most significant aspects of the reality of human interrelatedness is the quest for

intimacy. This quest is fundamental to our humanity. We can define intimacy as the

ability to be real with some people all of the time and with all people, at least some of the

time. This definition may lead us to believe that intimacy is exclusively about

psychological or social needs. Yet, the purpose of this essay is to explore the religious

and emotional significance of intimacy. The essay will argue that our interrelatedness is

grounded in God who exists in relation. Further, I will argue that a related life is

characterized by intimacy and well-being.

Knowing God: The Meaning of Intimacy with God

The Christian tradition is shaped by the understanding that God is

related. This symbol begins with the understanding in Genesis of a God who calls the

world into existence. The picture painted here is of a God who graciously creates the

world. We read about light and darkness, water and land, all kinds of creatures.

They are all limited by the fact that God has called them into being. Then, we

read the amazing story of a creature with a human face, who is made in the very

image of God. We are told that this man and this woman enjoy a special intimacy

with God. This does not come from a unique element, it is not a special endowment, it

is a pure gift from a gracious God, Then, the story shifts in Genesis 3:8-9, "They (Adam

and Eve) heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden at the time of the

evening breeze, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord



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God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, and said to him,

"Where are you?" This is, of course, part of the story regarding the eventual expulsion

from the garden, but it also opens a window of understanding God's relationship to

human beings and all creation. The God of creation has fellowship with humanity. There

is a great deal in this picture worth our consideration. For example, it means that human

beings are touched by a gracious God. It also means that human beings touch God as well

and by explicit invitation. Marjorie Suchocki reflects on this idea:

The relational notion of God ... posits a God intimately related to the

world, so that a concept of universal well-being must also include the

well-being of God. When a relational understanding of God is included

in the criterion of universal well-being, then the interdependence that

makes for well-being is supplemented with the qualities of truth, love,

and beauty. For these qualities are essential to the well-being of God.1

We have defined intimacy as the ability to be real with all people some of the time and

with some people all of the time. It may seem strange to apply the idea of intimacy to

God, who after all knows everything, but the rest of the story always includes a God who

intensely loves his creation. This should be understood as a mutual relationship. God's

intimacy with creation and especially with humankind born out of God's

movement toward creation and creation's response to that invitation. The Psalmist says

The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul; the decrees of the Lord

are sure, making wise the simple; the precepts of the Lord are right,

rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the Lord is clear, enlightening

the eyes; the fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever; the ordinances of

the Lord are true and righteous altogether... Let the words of my mouth

and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to you, my rock and my

redeemer.

(Psalm 19:7-9, 14)

1 Marjorie Hewitt Suchocki, The Fall to Violence: Original Sin in Relational Technology (New York:

Continuum, 1994): 73.



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It is important to see how this psalm balances the reality of a related God to the

response of that relationship. This is made even more clear in John 15 which

presents the image of relationship. It is an image of the intimacy between the Father and

Son as well as between Jesus and his disciples. It is yet another scriptural assurance of

the kind of intimacy with God that the Christian tradition affirms:

Abide in me as I abide in you... (15:4a), I am the vine, you are the

branches. Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit, because

apart from me you can do nothing. (15:5), As the Father has loved me, so

I have loved you; abide in my love (15:9), and I have said these things to

you so that my joy may be in you, and your joy may be complete.

(15:11)

There are, of course, many other images in the scripture, but these two should clearly

make the point that the Christian tradition has at its very core an understanding of a God

who seeks intimacy.

The clarity and intensity with which the Christian tradition affirms the

relationality of God is revealed in the formulation of the Doctrine of the Trinity. This

conviction which lies at the center of the Christian faith envisions a God who has

revealed himself as Father, Son, and Spirit. There are, of course, many places where we

could address the idea of the trinity, but surely one clear connection is at the point of

God's relation to himself and his relation to creation. Colin Gunton says, "Theology ... is

the enterprise of thought which seeks to express conceptually and as well as possible both

the being of God and the implications of that being for human existence on earth ." 2

Therefore, it is appropriate to look at the trinity for clues regarding the nature of a God

who is in relation.

2 Colin E. Gunton, The Promise of Trinitarian Theology (Edinburgh: T & T Clark, 1991): 6.



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The affirmation of the trinity is fundamental to the Christian faith. The purpose

here is to look specifically at how this conception of God impacts the meaning of human

relationship. Gunton comments, "The doctrine of the Trinity, accordingly, is that

theologumenon developed, in response to Christian experience, to show that God's being

is not motionless, impassable eternity but a personal taxis of dynamic and free

relations.3 This essentially affirms the central thread of the argument of this essay, that it

is in a God who is in communion and we are called to be "like" God in our becoming

human through interpersonal relations.

Intimacy with God is knowing God. According to Alfred North Whitehead, "The

purpose of God is the attainment of value in the temporal world."4 Intimacy with God

means living with the consciousness of God and allowing that idea to pervade all life. It

suggests that it is possible and it is better to acknowledge God in every facet of human

experience. The psalmist says, "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no

evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff--they comfort me." (23:4) This is what

might be called the practice of the presence of God. Following our definition of intimacy

with God we can suggest that it is finally to experience oneself as a creature who is called

into his/her humanity by the Word of God. It is running toward that reality and not away

from it.

Jesus paints a picture of God‘s redeeming, humanizing grace in the parable of the

Prodigal Son. This is one of the most beautiful images of the Bible. It tells the story of

two sons, one is responsible and hard working, the other is young and restless. One day

3 Gunton: 150.

4 Alfred North Whitehead, Religion in the Making (New York: The Macmillan Company, 1926: Meridian Books,

1960): 97.



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the younger son asks for his inheritance, so he can explore his options away from his

father. He got his money and he "squandered his property in dissolute living" (Luke

15:13b). All of this leaves the younger son without resources and away from his father,

Then, in the words recorded by Luke "he came to himself...(and)...went back to his

father" (15:17a and 18A). He was dying of hunger when he was estranged from his

father, but when he returns to his father he is wearing a robe, ring, sandals, and he sits

down to a feast. The beauty of the parable is finding in the father an image of a loving

God who invites us into relationships.

Part of knowing God is coming to see the possibilities of an intimate relationship.

Soren Kierkegaard, a nineteenth century theologian, says that Christianity is not a

doctrine to be believed, but a path to be chosen. This is a path toward a passionate

embrace of the offer of relation with God. The Christian tradition affirms that we find

ourselves in this offer of grace from a God who seeks us out. It is when we find ourselves

that we have the capacity to love others. It is to this dimension of intimacy that we will

now turn.

Knowing Others: The Meaning of Intimacy with Others

We have attempted to establish the premise that our ability to be intimate with

others is born out of a conscious relationship with God. Simply put, it is the gift of God's

grace that begins to restore our capacity to actualize our human potential. It is in the story

of God‘s grace that we begin to find ourselves. Just as with the prodigal, it is when we

come to ourselves and return to a gracious relationship with the Father that we can

―enjoy‖ others. Suchocki adds, ―Insofar as the knower is a social being, existing in and



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through many circles of relationships, then the event of knowledge cannot be confined to

a single individual.‖5 All of this is made somewhat problematic, because we have all

been hurt by others. Disappointment and betrayal are nearly universal human

experiences.

I remember a guy during my childhood who rode on the same bus to school. We

became friends, but he was the object of much laughter on the ride to school. The

students would taunt him by calling him "Dino." It was a name that embarrassed him and

made him an outcast on the school bus. While I never knew exactly why they called him

"Dino," I knew it hurt him. After a while, it did become clear why they disliked him so

much. His sin was that among all the kids on the bus, he was the only one who had

freckles, he was red-headed as well. In other words, he was different, thus he became an

outcast. I was his only friend, but before you think of me as a hero, let me say that my

mother had freckles, too.

The Christian tradition has a name for the way we often treat one another, sin.

Any fair-minded analysis of the world will reveal strife, hatred, envy, pride,

selfishness, etc. All of this suggests what Reinhold calls the most empirical doctrine of

the scripture-sin. Knowing others presents a risk to human beings; intimacy is not

without its cost. Yet the final word is not our ability to hurt one another, but it is our

ability to know another.

Martin Buber develops an extremely compelling image of human relationality in

a book entitled I and Thou. He attempts to explore many different levels of relation. He

says, "The world as experience belongs to the basic word I-It. The basic word I-You

establishes the world of relation."6 Buber goes on to say, "All actual life is encounter."

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5 Suchocki: 50-51.



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Even more clearly he says, "Feeling dwells in man, but man dwells in love. This is not a

metaphor but actuality: love does not cling to an I, as if the You were merely its

―content" or object: it is between I and You."8 These citations should provide a

perspective on the meaning of human relationality. Buber would like his reader to

understand that human existence can be doomed to 'thingness', but it does not need to be

consigned to this region. The "I-You" is that dimension of human existence that calls us

to ourselves as it opens us up to the other, And as he puts it, "Extended, the lines of

relationships intersect in the eternal You."9 Buber intends to look at the importance of

human relationality with utter seriousness. It is in this sense that we will look at several

principles for coming to terms with knowing others.

There are several principles that are worth mentioning at this point. First, all

attempts to know one another imply a long process. We do not know another person like

we study an object. Part of the reason for this relates to the nature of human existence

itself. Martin Heidegger, the German philosopher, has helped us to see that human

existence is expressed in care. He defines care ―as primordial structural totality, (which)

lies before every factual ―attitude‖ and ―situation‖ of Dasein (Being), and does so

existentially apriori; this means that it always lies in them.‖10

Because we are always

reaching forward and backward that it is often difficult to know others and self.

Everyone is involved in a personal pilgrimage. We are growing, feeling, reaching, 6 Martin Buber, I and Thou. Translated by Walter Kaufmann (New York: Charles Scribner's and Sons,

1970): 56.

7 Buber: 62.

8 Buber: 66.

9 Buber: 123.

10

Martin Heidegger, Being and Time, Translated by John Macquarrie and Edward Robinson (New

York:Harper and Row, Publishers): 238.



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finding success, knowing failure, and experiencing happiness. It is not a great leap to see

that the other, who we intend to know, is also described in the same manner. If we are to

grow as persons, it will require the making and forming of relationships. This can be

difficult, but knowing others requires the recognition of the other. It is as we find the

other that we come to know ourselves better. The call to relationship begins in the God

who creates us, but it reaches to others. Friendship is part of what it means to be human.

This certainly requires the ability to be honest, to forgive, to love, etc.

Another principle of knowing others is risk. We have already suggested that the

risk is rooted in the sinfulness which often characterizes human relationships. Because

other human beings are so very complex, the quest for intimacy is never easy and it can

be dangerous. We often talk about the sexual revolution of the sixties, but at it deepest

level it might be more appropriate to call it the intimacy revolution. The sexual issues

were only a small part of a deeper yearning in the heart of human beings. When we

understand this we will begin to see that intimacy unfolds in many dimensions. While

sexual intimacy should be reserved for one person, the person we are married to, there

are appropriate levels of intimacy (non-sexual) which operate in a healthy life. God

created us as beings who crave to know the other, but as we reach to the other certain

risks are inevitable. No one, who is healthy, wants to be hurt, betrayed, or estranged. Yet

it is only as we take such risks that we will know others and ourselves. Life is only fully

safe when we live with shields and barriers around us. We can choose to be alone, but the

cost of that decision is a loss of a part of our humanity. Therefore, knowing others is also

about knowing ourselves.

It is important to note that this does not legitimize a reckless approach to others.



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Most people recognize the necessary limitations that the fact of human sinfulness

requires. It is unwise and finally counter-productive, even dangerous, to thrust oneself

into any and every relationship. Human beings are finite, it is not possible to be intimate

with all people all of the time. It is occasionally wise to avoid certain relationships

altogether. The scripture warns us to be careful about our associations. In fact, Paul urges

the people at Ephesus to "Be careful then how you live, not as unwise people but as wise,

making the most of your time..." (Eph. 5:15-16a). Life should teach us how to balance

judgment with transparency.

Knowing others will require that we begin to see that commitment operates at a

number of levels. We will never know others until it is possible to make and honor

commitments to others and to do this at a number of levels. No doubt the highest level of

human commitment that we will make is marriage. This is potentially the most fulfilling

human relationship possible between human beings. It is because of this that it opens us

to the deepest hurts of life as well. While marriage is the most important relationship, it

is not our only relationship. For example, we have commitments to children, extended

family, our profession, other people, the environment, etc. In fact, there are so many

relationships in life that it can be rather frustrating to navigate through them. Balancing

our commitments in relationships requires a normative center. It is on the basis of this

reality that we will decide about out commitments. It is fundamental to the premise of

this essay that we begin to see that all human relationships are guided by the relationship

to God. It is in knowing God that we find the guidance to know others. Clearly, it is as

we come to ourselves in God through Jesus Christ that we can love others.

Knowing others is about well-being. This is the term used by Suchocki who talks



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about "God and the world together in an interrelated, interdependent whole.‖11

Her point

is in many ways the same one being made in this essay-interpersonal relationships can

only be fulfilling when we begin to grasp the fact that intimacy with the other is first

intimacy with God. She adds, "To be centered, then, means that we inevitably see and

value things from the perspective of our center in relation to the continued well-being of

ourselves and those within the spiraling circles of interdependence closest to us.12

She is

attempting to say that relationality includes God, human beings, and finally the

world:

Thus the criterion of well-being is not empty, nor is it so varied as to be necessarily

unrecognizable. To the degree that well-being is violated, to the degree that human

conduct negates that truth of the other's or one's own good; to the degree that human

conduct maintains a blindness to beauty in forms other than one's own, to the degree that

there is sin. Sin is the violation of the well-being of creation. 13

This is a very complex issue, but her point bears on the premise of this

essay. Interpersonal relationships are an expression of our intended relationship with our

Creator and in that way reaches out to creation. One way to express the meaning of a life

of grace is well-being. Therefore, healthy, growing relationships, that is to say,

relationships which are guided by the reality of God, promote well-being. Such

relationships will be grounded in love, mercy, peace, wholeness, and hope. Forgiveness

will also characterize these relationships. Here we are talking about relationships which

grow out of our recognition of the reality of God. James reminds us that when this is not

the case, then trouble will arise:

Those conflicts and disputes among you, where do they come from? Do they not come

from your cravings that are at war within you? You want something and do not have it;

so you commit murder. And you covet something and cannot obtain it; so you engage in

disputes and conflicts. (James 4:1-2)

11

Suchocki: 68. 12

Suchocki: 69-70. 13

Suchocki: 80.



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Well-being is linked with the fundamental interdependence of life. We can, by

forming our life in this reality, truly find meaning, joy, and happiness.

This essay has attempted to look at interpersonal relationships in light of the

Christian faith. I have attempted to present the idea that knowing others is grounded in

knowing God. This is a very simple point, but it also involves the richness and texture of

a meaningful life. It is as we embrace others. without losing ourselves in the expectations

of others, that we will know the joy of a meaningful life. This is not just service to

humanity, it is being moved by the compassion of God to love the other, even as we are

loved by God. It is this vision that informs the writer of the Letter to the Hebrews:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great cloud of witnesses, let us

also lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with

perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the pioneer and perfecter of

our faith, who for the sake of the joy that was set before him endured the cross,

disregarding its shame, and has taken his seat at the right hand of the throne of God.

(Hebrews 12:1-2)

This is the final answer of the Christian faith for it is in Jesus Christ that

we see the extent of God‘s love for humanity. It is in Jesus Christ that we see the

potential of humanity when it responds to the gracious invitation of God.

Knowing God and knowing others expresses the parameters of a grace-filled life

for growth in relationship and well-being.



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BEST RELATIONSHIPS

1. You will be given 5-10 minutes to think about your "best" relationships-ones that

allowed you to grow, and which have resulted in a measure of happiness.

2. List the behaviors--your own and the other person's--that created that special

relationship.

3. In small groups, share your lists.

4. Each group is to list the specific behaviors.

5. Each group reports. The instructor makes a list. Minority views within the group

should be encouraged and elicited.

6. Discussion in the large group can center around the following issues:

a. How many relationships do we have like this?

b. What would happen if each individual acquired those facilitating

behaviors?

c. What is necessary to acquire those behaviors?

d. What other elements are necessary for healthy relationships that are not

included in the lists?



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HELPING TRIOS

Helping relationships involves asking for, as well as giving, help. A natural

reluctance to admit a need for help tends to hinder the two-way flow necessary to a good

helping relationship. The following exercise illustrates this principle.

Directions: The group should be divided into trios. Once the trios have been

identified, each person should have a few minutes alone to decide what they need help

with.

1. Choose an actual problem with which you are involved.

2. Choose a current problem, not a past success or failure.

3. Choose a fairly limited problem, since the amount of time to consider it will be

relatively short.

4. Choose a problem with other people in it who are in direct relationship with you

and in which your relationships with them are part of the problem.

Form the helping trio and assign each member the role of consultant, consultee, or

observer. (These roles will be rotated.) Divide the time allowed into three equal parts and

appoint the observer as timer to make sure each problem uses only its time allotment.

Two-thirds to three-quarters of each time block should be used for sharing the

problem and exploring alternatives. In the last part of the time block, the observer reports

observations.

________________________________________________________________________

CONSULTEE CONSULTANT OBSERVER

Shares problems Receives problem Keeps time

Tells Listens Keeps notes

Explains, defines, Paraphrases, Evaluates

organizes clarifies, summarizes interaction

Answers Questions

Shows trust Shows acceptance



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Suggestions for the consultant-consulted relationship:

A. What is helpful from the consultee's point of view?

1. An atmosphere of friendliness and trust.

2. Acceptance by consultant.

3. Consultant listens attentively.

4. Consultant empathizes, rather than sympathizes.

5. Consultant paraphrases and summarizes.

6. Consultant helps to clarify issues and diagnose problem.

7. Consultant helps to explore alternatives.

8. Consultant does not give advice.

9. Consultant takes a mutual approach to problem-solving.

10. A sense of progress in understanding the problem.

B. What is helpful from the consultant‘s point of view?

1. Consultee sets limits to the recognized problem.

2. Consultee recognizes the problem as his/her own rather than as the consultant‘s.

3. Consultee is willing to accept the limitations as well as the strengths of the consultant.

4. Consultee accepts feelings of the consultant as legitimate and helpful.

Suggestions for the observer:

1. What efforts were made to establish an atmosphere of trust and frankness?

2. How did the consultant go about trying to elicit relevant information?

3. How did the consultant help the consultee to see her/her problem differently or more clearly?

4. What did the consultee do that either enhanced or detracted from the success of the

consultation session?



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CHARACTERISTICS OF CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK

1. It is descriptive rather than evaluative. Describing one's own reactions leaves the

individual free to use it or not to use it as he sees fit. Avoiding evaluative

language reduces the need for the individual to respond defensively.

2. It is specific rather than general. To be told that one is "dominating" will

probably not be as useful as to be told that "in the conversation that just took

place, you did not appear to be listening to what others were saying, and I felt

forced to accept your arguments."

3. It is focused on behavior rather than on the person. It is important that we refer to

what a person does rather than to what we think or imagine he is. Thus, we might say

that a person "talked more than anyone else in this meeting" rather than that he is a

"loud-mouth."

4. It takes into account the needs of both the receiver and giver of feedback. Feedback

can be destructive when it serves only the giver's needs and fails to consider the needs

of the person on the receiving end. Its interest should be to help, not to hurt. We too

often give feedback because it makes us feel better or gives us a psychological

advantage.

5. It is directed toward behavior which the receiver can do something about.

Frustration is only increased when a person is reminded of some shortcoming over

which he has no control.

6. It is solicited rather than imposed. Feedback is most useful when the receiver himself

has formulated the kind of question which those observing him can answer or when

he actively seeks feedback.

7. It is well-timed. In general, feedback is most useful at the earliest opportunity after

the given behavior (depending, of course, on the person's readiness to hear it, support

available from others, and other factors). The reception and use of feedback involves

many possible emotional reactions. Excellent feedback presented at an inappropriate

time may do more harm than good.

8. It involves sharing of information, rather than giving advice. By sharing

information,, we leave a person free to decide for himself, in accordance with his

own goals and needs. When we give advice we tell him what to do, and to some

degree take away his freedom to decide for himself.



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9. It involves the amount of information the receiver can use rather than the amount

we would like to give. To overload a person with feedback is to reduce the

possibility that he may be able to use what he receives effectively. When we give

more than can be used, we are more often than not satisfying some need of our

own rather than helping the other person.

10. It concerns what is said and done, or how, not why. The "why" takes us from the

observable to the inferred and involves assumptions regarding motive or intent.

Telling a person what his motivations or intentions are more often than not tends

to alienate the person and contributes to a climate of resentment, suspicion, and

distrust; it does not contribute to learning or development. It is dangerous to

assume that we know why a person says or does something, or what he "really"

means, or what he is "really" trying to accomplish. If we are uncertain of his

motives or intent, this uncertainty itself is feedback, however, and should be

revealed.

11. It is checked to insure clear communication. One way of doing this is to have the

receiver try to rephrase the feedback he has received to see if it corresponds to

what the sender had in mind. No matter what the intent, feedback is often

threatening and thus subject to considerable distortion or misinterpretation.

12. It is checked to determine the degree of agreement from others. When feedback is

given in the presence of other people, both giver and receiver have an opportunity

to check with others in the group about the accuracy of the feedback. Is this one

person's impression or an impression shared by others? Such "consensual

validation" is of value to both sender and receiver.

13. It is followed by attention to the consequences of the feedback. The person who is

giving feedback may greatly improve his helping skills by becoming acutely

aware of the effects of his feedback. He can also be of continuing help to the

recipient of the feedback.

14. It is an important step toward authenticity. Constructive feedback opens the way

to a relationship which is built on trust, honesty, and genuine concern. Through

such a relationship, we will have achieved one of the most rewarding experiences

that man can achieve and will have opened a very important door to personal

learning and growth.



21

THE APPRECIATION OF THE DIFFERENT PREFERENCES

What Each Appreciates What Each Does Not Appreciate

Sensing - Judging

praise for a product orientation deadlines not being met

employers who value carefulness, persons not using standard

caution, thoroughness, and accuracy operating procedure

commendation for their loyalty,

responsibility, and industriousness

want appreciation but not likely to

show their pleasure in receiving it

Sensing – Perceptive

commendation for grace and flair being told how to work

acknowledgement that process standard operating procedures

is more important than product

having others take pride in their

boldness, bravery, endurance,

cleverness, adaptation, and timing

Intuitive – Feeling

personal expressions of appreciation impersonal treatment

recognition as unique persons

making unique contributions

having feelings and ideas

understood by others

Intuitive - Thinking

being appreciated for their routine task well done

capabilities and ideas

someone as competent or more things which violate logic,

competent appreciating them competent reason, or principle

rules, traditions, or biases getting in

the way of maximum results



22

COMMUNICATION STYLES OF THE DIFFERENT PREFERENCES

S

goal - workable solution

enjoyment

tools - defines problem

describes facts in detail

interprets at practical level

uses established procedures

dealing with N's –

state facts as contribution to idea ask "what can you do about this?"

don't overwhelm with details

concede new idea has fighting chance

T F goal - systematic solution goal – humanly agreeable solution

organization sympathy

tools - makes logically accurate tools – appreciates others

statements prizes harmony

analyzes issues carefully sensitive to others

and impersonally prefers agreement

looks at logical consequences

encourages logical thinking dealing with T‘s -

be as logical/orderly as

dealing with F's - possible

first mention points of agreement pay attention to reasons of T‘s

recognize that feelings can be consider T‘s estimates of

both cause and effect consequences

appreciate F's efforts and share feelings for T‘s to

contributions consider

N

goal - open-ended solution

inspiration

tools - understands at deep level

focuses on options

speaks through inferences

looks beyond standard procedures

prefers new, novel procedures

dealing with S's –

present facts to support ideas

state topic explicitly

finish sentences

give notice when changing subject



23

USING MBT1 PREFERENCES IN CONVERSATIONS

My MBT1 preferential code is:

______________________________________________________

My energy source preference is__________________, therefore in conversations with:

EXTROVERTS (E) I need to: INTROVERTS (I) I need to:

Show energy and enthusiasm Include time for I‘s to get to know

you and trust you

Respond quickly without

long pauses to think Encourage responses with questions

like ―What do you think about

Allow talking out loud without __________?‖ but don‘t overwhelm the

definite conclusions ―I‖ with too many questions

Communicate openly--do not censure Allow time for I‘s to think before

responding; don‘t expect immediate

Focus on the external world, answers to questions (sending

the people and things agendas before meetings helps.)

Have more individual or one-on-one

activities than group activities

Do not assume an I is uninterested:

he/she may just be taking time to

process information

My gathering facts preference is_______________, therefore in conversations with:

SENSERS (S) I need to: INTUITIVES (N) I need to:

Show evidence, i.e., facts, Present global schemes, the concept--

details and examples give give the main idea first

the main idea first

Be practical and realistic, Don‘t give lots of details unless

and document successful asked to do so

applications

Have a well-thought out Indicate the challenges, the possibilities,

plan with the details worked and the differences your ideas will bring

out in advance

Delineate the future benefits



24

Show the aspects that are nonroutine

Show how your suggestion Be aware that work may come in

is a continuation of what is, bursts, not an even flow

not a radical change

Be direct Let N‘s dream and don‘t burst the

bubble – encourage imagination

Be orderly – show the steps

involved

My decision-making preference is ________________, therefore in conversation with:

THINKERS (T) I need to: FEELERS (F) I need to:

Be brief and concise Get to know the person before

Getting down to business

Be logical and do not ramble Be personable and friendly

List the pros and the cons Demonstrate empathy by presenting

of each alternative areas of agreement first

Be intellectually critical Show why the idea is valuable to

and objective people and how it will affect people

Be calm and reasonable Be aware that F‘s may have difficult

being critical and giving negative

feedback

Present emotions and feelings Pay close attention to the process, the

as facts to be weighed way you are communicating, not just

in the decision what you are saying; watch body

language and nonverbals



25

My life-style preference is___________________, therefore in conversations with:

JUDGERS (J) I need to: PERCEPTIVES (P) I need to:

Present a timetable and Allow for things to flow, not to

stick with it follow your time and action calendar

Don‘t surprise J‘s; give Bring in new information and ideas

warnings of coming

changes when possible Allow time for thorough discussion;

complexity is desirable

Allow time to prepare

Allow for options, for changes

Show that you also accomplish

things and can be counted upon Encourage autonomy

to follow through

Realize any change in direction is not

Show your achievements, necessarily impulsiveness

your results

Take a stand; don‘t be wishy-

washy



26

Adding a Personal Signature to your Work

Barbara Glanz

There is nothing better for a man than to rejoice in his work.

The Bible, Ecclesiastes 3:22

If you are called to be a street sweeper, sweep streets even as Michelangelo

painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. Sweep

streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, “Here lived

a great street sweeper who did his job well.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Last fall I was asked to speak to 3000 employees of a large supermarket chain in

the Midwest on ―Building Customer Loyalty and Regenerating the Spirit in Your

Workplace.‖

One of the ideas I stressed was the importance of ―adding a personal signature to

your work.‖ With all the downsizing, re-engineering, overwhelming technological

changes and stress in the workplace, I think it is essential for each of us to find a way we

can really feel good about ourselves and our jobs. One of the most powerful ways to do

this is to do something that differentiates you from all the other people who do the same

thing you do.

Some of the examples I shared were a United Airlines pilot, who, after everything

is under control in the cockpit, goes to the computer and at random selects several people

on board the flight and hand writes them a thank you note for their business. A graphic

artist I work with always encloses a piece of sugarless gum in everything he sends to

customers so you never throw anything from him away!

A Northwest Airlines baggage attendant decided that his personal signature would

be to collect all the luggage tags that fall off customers‘ suitcases, which in the past have

been simply tossed in the garbage, and in his free time he sends them back with a note

thanking them for flying Northwest. A senior manager with whom I worked decided that

his personal signature would be that whenever he sends his employees a memo that he

knows they won‘t like very much, he staples a piece of Kleenex to the corner of the

memo!

After sharing several other examples of how people add their unique spirit to

their jobs, I challenged the audience to get their creative juices going and to come up with

their own creative personal signature.

About three weeks after I had spoken to the supermarket employees, my phone

rang late one afternoon. The person on the line told me that his name was Johnny and

that he was a bagger in one of the stores. He also told me that he was a person with

Down‘s Syndrome. He said, ―Barbara, I like what you said!‖ Then he went on to tell me

that when he‘d gone home the night of my presentation, he had asked his dad to teach

him to use the computer.



27

He said they set it up in three columns, and each night now when he goes home,

he finds a ―thought for the day.‖ He said when he can‘t find one he likes, he ―thinks one

up!‖ Then he types it into the computer, prints out multiple copies, cuts them out, and

signs his name on the back of each one. The next day as he bags customers‘ groceries,

―with flourish‖ he puts a thought for the day in each person’s groceries, adding his own

personal signature in a heartwarming, fun, creative way.

One month later the manager of the store called me. He said, ―Barbara, you won‘t

believe what happened today…When I went out on the floor this morning, the line at

Johnny‘s checkout was three times longer than any other line! I went ballistic yelling,

‗Get more lanes open! Get more people out here!‘ but the customers said, ‗No no! We

want to be in Johnny‘s lane--we want the thought for the day!‖

He said one woman even came up and told him, ―I only used to shop once a week,

and now I come here every time I go by because I want the thought for the day!‖

(Imagine what that does to the bottom line!) He ended by saying, ―Who do you think is

the most important person in our whole store?‖ Johnny, of course!

Three months later he called me again, ―You and Johnny have transformed our

store! Now in the floral department when they have a broken flower or an unused

corsage, they go out on the floor and find an elderly woman or a little girl and put it on

them. One of our meat packers loves Snoopy, so he bought 50,000 Snoopy stickers, and

each time he packages a piece of meat, he puts a Snoopy sticker on it. We are having so

much fun, and our customers are having so much fun!‖ THAT is spirit in the workplace!

A man lamented to his rabbi: “I’m frustrated that my work leaves me no time for

study or prayer.” The rabbi replied: “Perhaps your work is more pleasing to

God than study or prayer.”

Hasidic Tale

“Excerpted with permission from CARE Packages for the Workplace—Dozens of Little

Things You Can Do To Regenerate Spirit at Work by Barbara A. Glanz, McGraw-Hill

1996. Barbara Glanz, CSP, is an internationally known author, speaker, and consultant

who specializes in the areas of improving internal communication, building customer and

employee loyalty, regenerating spirit in the workplace and in the home. She is also the

author of CARE Packages for the Home (Andrews McMeel 1998), The Creative

Communicator (McGraw-Hill revised 1998), and Building Customer Loyalty (McGraw-

Hill 1994). She can be reached at 708-246-8594; fax 708-246-5123; e-

mail:[email protected]; website: www.barbaraglanz.com. CARE Packages for the

Workplace is available in all bookstores or can be ordered by calling Barbara or going

to Amazon.com.”

http://www.barbaraglanz.com/



28

SELF-ESTEEM AND THE MANAGING OF OTHERS

Ken Blanchard

People who feel good about themselves produce good results.

The One Minute Manager

People who produce good results feel good about themselves.

The Power of Ethical Management

I first became interested in the whole area of self-esteem when my wife Margie

worked with Mark Tager, an MD and health expert, on a book entitled, Working Well.

They wanted to find out what made a healthy work environment. One of the questions

they asked people around the country was: Can a bad boss make you sick? And, of

course, everyone said, "You better believe it!" Then they started mentioning migraine

headaches, ulcers, sleepless nights, heart attacks, and even cancer.

When I thought about it, I realized how right they were. After all, bosses are

really important to people's lives. For example, you can talk to people at one point and

they will tell you how excited they are about their work and their job. And then you see

them three months later and they are miserable. In nine out of ten cases, the only

significant change in their work environment is that they have a new boss. In most

instances, their old boss, who had been supportive and made them feel good about

themselves, had been replaced either by a person who jerked them around and made them

feel unimportant or by a "do-nothing boss" who was never around and avoided conflict at

all cost.

What fascinated me was to find out what made people like that. That curiosity led

me to study the field of self-esteem and eventually do an audio tape program with

Jennifer James, a cultural anthropologist and wonderful speaker, entitled Inner

Management: The Power of Self-Esteem. I found out two things. First, self-esteem is a

choice. Second, lack of self-esteem is an ego problem.

Self-Esteem Is a Choice

According to Jennifer James, we develop our sense of self-esteem from four

places. The first source is fate. We have no choice about who we are born to, where we

are born or what race or sex we are, but these factors have been shown to have an effect

on our self-esteem.

The second source is family or other significant adults in our early life: how we

were raised or treated at school; whether both parents, a single parent or no parents lived

________________________________________________________________________

Dr. Ken Blanchard is an author and Management Consultant. This article was reprinted

with his permission.



29

with us; how we were treated and how the family operated together. Did we have any

influential teachers in our early educational experience? In other words, the most

significant people in the early part of our lives help to shape what we think of ourselves

then and now.

The third source of self-esteem consists of life experiences. The successes and

failures that you have in life all add up to influence how you feel about yourself today.

The fourth source is your perception of the first three sources. As you can

imagine, this is the most important source of self-esteem. Why? If you interpret the first

three sources of self-esteem in a positive way, chances are you will have a positive self-

image of yourself today. For example, if you feel lucky to have been born into your

family, if you believe they loved and encouraged you and if you tend to focus on the

positive experiences in your life, you are likely to have a positive self-image. If, on the

other hand, you didn't like your family circumstance, were constantly put down when you

were growing up and tend to focus more on your negative life experiences, you will

likely have a low self-esteem today.

Lack of Self-Esteem Is an Ego Problem

Where does ego fit in here? If self-esteem is a choice, then you need inner

strength to deal with the ups and downs of life. Most people would interpret that to mean

you need a strong ego. That's exactly what you don't need.

In our book, The Power of Ethical Management, Norman Vincent Peale and I

said: "People with humility don't think less of themselves, they just think of themselves

less." What we were suggesting in that quote is that it's healthy to feel good about

yourself--but don't get carried away. The problem is with the ego.

Someone once told me that ego stands for "edging God out." When we start to get

a distorted image of our own importance and see ourselves as the center of the universe,

we lose touch with who we really are as children of God. Our thinking blurs, and we lose

the sense of our connection with home base, others and our true selves.

It's interesting to see how self-doubt and false pride play out in managers. When

they are addicted to either ego affliction, it erodes their effectiveness. Managers

dominated with self-doubt are the "do-nothing bosses." They are described as "never

around, always avoiding conflict and not very helpful." They often leave people alone

even when they are insecure and don't know what they are doing. They don't seem to

believe in themselves or trust in their own judgment. They value others' thoughts more

than their own--especially the thoughts of those to whom they report. As a result, they

rarely speak out and support their own people. Under pressure they seem to defer to

whoever has the most power.



30

At the other end of the spectrum are the ―controllers.‖ These are managers

dominated by false pride. Even when they don‘t know what they are doing, they have a

high need for power and control. Even when it‘s clear to everyone they are wrong, they

keep on insisting they are right. These folks aren‘t much for supporting their people

either. If everyone is upbeat and confident, the controller throws out the wet blanket.

They support their bosses over their people because they want to climb the hierarchy and

be part of the boss‘s crowd.

If any of this sounds a bit too close for comfort, don‘t be alarmed. Most of us

have traces of both self-doubt and false pride, because the issue is really ego. We are

stuck, all alone, focusing only on ourselves. The good news is, if we can accept God‘s

unconditional love, we set the stage for a time when results or approval from others are

no longer the most important thing in life.

In recent years I ask people in my management seminars, ―How many of you

have children?‖ Many hands go up. Then I ask, ―How many of you love your children?‖

They laugh as the same hands go up. Then I raise the key question: ―For how many of

you does your love of your children depend on their achievements? If they‘re successful,

you will love them. If they aren‘t, you won‘t.‖ Not one hand ever goes up. ―So love of

your children does not depend on what they achieve or how much power or influence

they gain,‖ I continue. ―And yet, why won‘t you and I accept that kind of unconditional

love from our Father?‖

If we can begin to accept the unconditional love that is available to us, our focus

no longer has to be out there with results, accumulation, power, acceptance, control or

other earthly things. Now we can focus on our journey-- how we live our life and how

we help others. Now our self-esteem is assured. We cannot achieve enough, control

enough or accumulate enough to get any more love. We have all the love we‘ll ever

need. This was the theme of my book We Are the Beloved.

So the choice is up to you. Accept your own okays and you can hear feedback,

accept criticism and praise without second-guessing the intentions. At the same time,

you are not afraid to support or praise others because you realize it doesn‘t take anything

away from you. You can redirect or reprimand someone who is off base without putting

that person down. After all, the people working with you are the children of God too. As

Spencer Johnson and I said in The One Minute Manager, “people are okay, it‘s just their

behavior that is a problem sometimes.‖ In dealing with poor behavior, remember you

want to get rid of the behavior and not the person. That‘s why we insisted that a

reprimand-- negative feedback-- always end with an affirmation like, ―The reason I am

upset with you is that you‘re good-- you‘re better than that.‖ If you can‘t reaffirm a

person, then a reprimand is not appropriate. It‘s not an attitude problem, it‘s an ability

problem. Now redirection and coaching from you are needed.

The big picture from my viewing place is that the greatest problem in

organizations today is the human ego. If we are to empower people and make our

organizations customer-driven, cost-effective, fast, flexible, and continuously improving,



31

the people who are running organizations in the traditional sense--those who are at the

top of the hierarchy--have to get out of their own way. The only effective way I know of

doing that, besides a near death experience, is a spiritual awakening and realization that

God did not make junk. Our okays and self-esteem are givens. As a result, my own

personal mission statement is, ―To be a loving teacher and example of simple truths that

help myself and others to awaken the presence of God in our lives.‖ God loves you and

so do I. Effective managers accept that love and spread it out to others. Go for it!



32

POSITIVE SELF-ESTEEM AT WORK:

THE EIGHT BEHAVIORAL KEYS

Kathy L. Indermill

How do you humiliate and demean someone and then expect him or her to

care about product quality?

Tom Peters

As much as Theory X managers resist the notion, as gleefully as Garry Trudeau

lampooned the California task Force on Self-Esteem, as contented as major stockholders

are with management for profit tactics, the secret is out. People like working for

companies that take an interest in their personal and professional development--that

support them in feeling good about themselves. People don't like working for companies

in which they feel unvalued and manipulated by a "We vs. Them" management style.

When the labor shortage of 2000 arrives to put the big squeeze on competition for

competent employees, then perhaps we will remember the prophetic words of Rosabeth

Moss Kanter, former Editor of the Harvard Business Review: "The companies that are

the best at creating a good quality of work life will be able to attract and retain the most

skilled workers." Hello, corporate America, it's the 1990s. Is anybody listening?

For those companies who are listening, the message is clear. It‘s time to weed out

working conditions that contribute to feelings of alienation, frustration and discontent.

It‘s time to implement training programs that teach executives, managers and employees

alike how to create work environments that enhance self-esteem. The business

community is in a position to take a socially responsible role in addressing societal ills

related to low self-esteem, such as alcoholism and chemical dependency. After all, the

majority of us spend a minimum of eight hours a day, five days a week for most of our

lives attempting to fulfill our achievement and affiliation needs. That's an eternity to

spend in a place where the work culture and climate breeds fear, anger, cynicism and

resentment, instead of positive self-esteem.

One of the reasons self-esteem has gotten such a bad rap in the workplace is that no one

seems to know for certain what it is, where it comes from or how to get more of it. Since there is

no generally accepted definition of self-esteem yet, for purposes of this article, self-esteem is

defined as: The attitude one has toward oneself based on the sum of:

*Self-respect (an assessment of personal worth)

*Self-confidence (an assessment of personal competency)

*Self-responsibility (an acceptance of accountability for one's action and acting

responsibly toward others)

________________________________________________________________________ Reprinted with permission from author and Principal Consultant Kathy L. Indermill, from the

book Heart at Work by Jack Canfield and Jacqueline Miller.



33

According to Nathaniel Branden, practicing psychologist, psychotherapist

and pioneer in the field of self-esteem, a person with high self-esteem is

better equipped to deal with life's problems, is resilient, is more likely to

be creative and ambitious, is more likely to form supportive relationships,

is more inclined to be respectful of others and experiences more joy in

living. Given the obvious benefits of self-esteem, is there anyone among

us in the work force who wouldn't want more rather than less of this

elusive elixir? The question is, "How do we go about manufacturing the

stuff for ourselves and developing it in others?"

For starters, we can look to people in the trenches whose pioneering efforts may

lead the rest of us to follow suit. Kay McCleery is one such activist promoting

self-esteem in the workplace. As Training Director, Franchise Opening Manager and

Franchise Service Consultant for Hobee's Franchising Corporation, and founder of her

own consulting firm, Hospitality Systems International, West, McCleery is

well-positioned to practice what she preaches. As she says, "Whether corporate America

wants to deal with it or not, the majority of personal and interpersonal problems in the

workplace are linked to low self-esteem. We have a big problem on our hands, and we

are it."

Eight Keys to Enhancing Self-Esteem in the Workplace

Although we can't raise anyone's self-esteem but our own, we can take action in

the workplace that nurtures and supports the growing of others' self-esteem. The

following eight behavioral keys are useful in enhancing self-esteem. McCleery has found

that the restaurant managers who use these keys consciously and consistently have the

happiest staff--which puts money in the bank instead of into training employees who

become turnover statistics.

When these eight behavioral keys become second nature or a knee jerk "reaction"

instead of merely good ideas, then our workplaces will be true breeding grounds for

positive self-esteem. But, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Each individual key represents

a set of specific behaviors that must be learned, practiced and used conscientiously for

best results.

1. Respect Others. Aretha Franklin was right, everyone wants a little

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Each of us has an inner need to be seen and understood by

others. Managers can demonstrate respect by being courteous, listening

attentively and empathetically and maintaining eye contact, as well as by avoiding

giving advice, lecturing and using a condescending or sarcastic tone.

The problem is, in far too many cases, we haven't been the recipient of our fair

share of respect in life, so we aren't overly skilled at giving it to others. Worse yet,

those of us with Type A behavior patterns and low self-esteem tend to become

controlling, impatient, and downright verbally offensive in stressful situations,

thus amputating whatever communication skills we have cultivated.



34

Regardless of the circumstances, the truth is, no manager will elicit exceptional

performance from employees by treating them with hostility, contempt or lack of

respect.

A restaurant is a perfect testing ground for practicing self-esteem

enhancing behavior because a restaurant is one of the most performance-oriented,

stressful business environments there is. McCleery emphasizes, "In a typical

Hobee's Restaurant, there are an average of 375 customers a day whose needs

must be satisfied or they may walk out the door and never come back."

One of the "star" managers in the self-esteem enhancing work arena is

Kathy Gunn, Manager of Hobee's Restaurant in Cupertino, California. Kathy is

one of those consciously competent managers who is in the trenches on a daily

basis, creating a work environment that regularly produces positive examples of

each of the eight keys introduced in this article. Kathy's management style is built

on a foundation of respect for her employees. "When someone has an issue, I

immediately arrange a one-on-one meeting. We usually go to a private spot

outside, as opposed to the office, which feels more open. I begin by saying, ―Tell

me what's on your mind,‖ then I listen closely and don't interrupt until the person

is finished.

The greatest motivational act one person can do for another is to listen. Roy E. Moody

President, Roy Moody and Associates

2. Enable and Empower. To enable is to give people the knowledge and skills

they need to be successful on the job; to empower is to support people in taking

self-responsibility. Without training, people can't achieve and without

self-responsibility, people tend to become doers instead of thinkers. Enabled

people feel good about themselves because they have the opportunity to excel.

Empowered people feel good about themselves because they accept responsibility

for their lives, accept their power (their gifts, talents, and resources) and

demonstrate that they can impact their lives in important ways.

Kathy Gunn enables her staff by giving them excellent performance-based

training for each position. Every month she and her staff receive evaluative

feedback on how well they've met established performance standards. ―There is a

'Be the Best' contest between all the Hobee's Restaurants and each store has won

first place honors.‖

She also empowers her people by encouraging them to take initiative, ask

for what they want and solve their own problems. For example, her restaurant is

in the process of switching from Styrofoam to paper cups, and she explained to

her staff that it was too expensive to have paper cups for personal use. Their

solution was to bring cups from home, and they asked her for a safe place to put

them. Kathy agreed that the solution was viable, but told them that they would be

responsible for creating a place in the restaurant where the cups would be safe.



35

Another example was the day a server came to her with an interpersonal "I can't

work with 'so and so' problem." Kathy helped the server get to the root of the

problem, then offered solution alternatives (e.g., that she would be a mediator if

asked). The employee chose what to do about the problem, they both agreed on a

plan and then Kathy gave the plan a time frame. She took follow-up action by

observing behavior and talking to both parties about how their meeting went.

Man's self-concept is enhanced when he takes responsibility for himself

Will Schutz

3. Act Congruently and Consistently. Behavior is congruent when what we are

feeling on the inside matches what we are doing and saying on the outside.

Behavior is consistent when it is in character and in alignment with personal and

organizational values.

As Branden has said, "The lies most devastating to our self-esteem are not

so much the lies we tell as the lies we live." And many of us have become quite

good at covering up our real feelings. Unfortunately, "quite good" is not good

enough. In The Cynical Americans, Kanter and Mirvis indicate that confidence in

business and business leadership has fallen from approximately a 70% level in the

late 1960"s to about 15% today. According to their recent study , ―… 43% of the

American working population fit the profile of the cynic, who, to put it simply

believes that lying, putting on a false face, and doing whatever it takes to make a

buck are all part of our basic human nature." So, why aren't people more authentic

and real? Because it takes a lot of courage to be honest.

Employees are at best confused and at worst cynical and distrusting of

incongruent, inconsistent management behavior. Managers can create trust with

employees by being real and telling the truth. How can we expect employees to be

honest and open with us when we never directly communicate to them what we're

really feeling and thinking?

Kathy Gunn tries to help each employee to feel more open and

comfortable with her by being real. One day, she was at work when she found out

her cat had been diagnosed with feline leukemia. Her staff was in a collective

good mood, so there was the usual joking around, but Kathy was

uncharacteristically quiet. As some point during the bantering, she said, "Hey, you

guys, if I seem in a quiet mood today it's because I just found out my cat has

leukemia." The staff rallied and somehow she made it through the day. As Kathy

says, "I don't like to leave any gray areas."



36

Modeling may not only be the best way to teach; it may be the only way to teach.

Albert Schweitzer

4. Create Safety. A "safe" work environment is one in which people feel they can

give input openly without fear of ridicule or reprimand. They feel safe to say, "I

made a mistake." In his book, Talking Straight, Lee Iacocca advises, "Only the

boss can set a tone that lets people feel comfortable enough to say those magic

words, 'I don't know' followed by 'but I'll find out."' When people feel safe, they

are naturally inquisitive and creative. When people don't feel safe, they may

become defensive, over-controlling, fearful, timid or resentful--none of which

produces peak performance. In general, our society is not a particularly "safe"

place to live, but managers can learn how to create safer work environments that

promote initiative, creative problem solving, open communication and greater

teamwork.

Kathy Gunn builds "safety" into the fabric of her work culture one

interaction at a time. She frequently asks for employee input, and consequently

her staff feels valued. She's also tolerant of mistakes. "I give my staff lots of

self-responsibility and control over their own destiny, so I make a concerted effort

not to be critical about the decisions they make that turn out to be mistakes."

Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual

differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and

rules are flexible--the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.

Virginia Satir

5. Teach Personal Limits. Most of us were never taught how to set our personal

limits with other people--we were never taught how to tell someone respectfully

that his or her behavior feels abusive and is therefore unacceptable to us. Abuse of

any form (e.g. verbal and nonverbal), as well as exploitation in the name of being

"open, honest or assertive," should be considered unacceptable behavior.

Everyone, no matter what the position or title, has the right to set personal limits.

As managers, we have the opportunity to teach by example. By taking care of

ourselves, our own needs and time requirements, we serve as role models for

others. Sometimes it is necessary to say to a verbally disrespectful employee,

―Your behavior is completely unacceptable to me and continuing it will

demonstrate your choice to accept the consequences.‖ Our challenge as managers

is to set personal limits using a neutral tone, without resorting to character

assassinations, dictatorial commands, or indirect nonverbal behavior that is

intended as punishment.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt

Kathy Gunn has also had to set her share of personal limits, but perhaps

the most pointed example would be the time her boss/owner called her during a

rush hour and began giving her feedback about a decision she had made. She



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clearly and concisely set her limits by saying (in a neutral tone), "I'm here to be

with customers. If you have things you need to talk to me about, call me back

after we've closed and I'll be glad to discuss them with you."

6. Investigate Performance Discrepancies. We managers cannot understand an

employee's actions until we understand why the actions made a kind of sense to

that person. As Branden suggests, all actions, inappropriate or not, are always

related to an attempt to satisfy needs, to our efforts to survive, to protect

ourselves, to maintain equilibrium, to avoid fear and pain, to nurture ourselves or

to grow. When an employee is behaving unacceptably, first make an effort to

understand what is causing the performance discrepancy-the difference between

actual and expected performance. Help yourself and your employee to discover

how he or she views the situation before determining what actions can be taken to

correct the problem.

One day Kathy Gunn realized the phone near the cash register was ringing

too long before someone picked it up. She observed that a newer employee in the

Host position had walked by without answering the phone, so she made a mental

note. Later that morning, she took the person aside and inquired, "Have we made

you feel that you weren't supposed to answer the phone?" The employee said,

"No, I just wasn't paying attention, and I will from now on." Kathy followed with,

"Good, it's important to cue into the phone because every call is a prospective

customer."

Good treatment of workers results in similar treatment of customers.

Todd Englander, Incentive

7. Observe Behavior, Then Provide Constructive Feedback. One of the best

training methods is immediate, constructive feedback about performance.

However, giving constructive feedback is a learned skill. We all know how we

like to be given feedback, but somehow we forget about that when giving it to

others. Whenever possible, managers should be specific about an employee's

performance strengths, then provide specific performance improvement feedback.

They should avoid labeling employees, assessing their character or giving

extravagant compliments. People feel resentful when judged and feel less worthy

when they know the praise is unrealistic.

Catch people in the act of doing something right.

Ken Blanchard

With her employees, Kathy Gunn prefers to give performance feedback as

she's working side by side. Then, she says, "I have an opportunity to notice the

positive things they do in the moment. If I notice a performance problem that

requires training or coaching or if it's something that cannot be corrected in the

moment, I arrange to get together at the end of the shift. People say I have eyes in

the back of my head when someone forgets to garnish an omelet with chopped

parsley, but I just laugh and tell them I notice when it's there too!"



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8. Nurture Potential and Recognize Desired Performance. This is McCleery's

favorite topic. "See the gold!" she encourages. "Develop champions and refuse to

see someone as incapable of 'star' performance." People with low self-esteem are

often as frightened of their virtues as they are of their shortcomings.

Shortcomings can create feelings of inadequacy, whereas virtues can create fears

of having to take self-responsibility or of social alienation. The more people resist

their own potential, the more a manager's patience can be tested. But, as Dr.

Robert Ball, former Executive Director of California Task Force on Self-esteem

and author of Walking on Water, implores, "Be kind. Everyone you meet is

fighting a hard battle."

Kathy Gunn tells the story of one young busser who lacked

self-confidence, asked an endless number of questions and required more

feedback than most of her staff. After two long years, Kathy's patience and his

persistence finally paid off because he is now one of her "star" servers. She also

proudly recalls the day the mother of two young employees came in just to let

Kathy know how much her sons had grown and matured while working at

Hobee's

If you treat an individual... as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become what

he ought to be and could be.

Johann Wolfgang Von Goeth

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Lily Tomlin

A Call to Action

If Kay McCleery's and Kathy Gunn's experience with the eight behavioral keys

has challenged you, then perhaps you will take it upon yourself to heed the call to action.

The notion of enhancing self-esteem in the workplace is not an impossible dream, but to

make it a reality, individuals and chief executive officers of every corporation must

commit to learning new skills and creating workplaces that breed positive self-esteem.

Hello, corporate America, is anybody listening?



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Summary Paper Assignment Sheet

Summary Assignment

In no fewer than five full typed pages, answer completely three of the following

essay questions. In your answers, consider the various readings, exercises, and class

discussions. Answers will be evaluated in relation to thoughtfulness, depth and ability to

integrate theoretical material accurately and appropriately with personal and professional

experiences.

Remember, this is not to be a discussion of how you would solve problems and

improve relationships and communication through your independent knowledge and

experience; but how you‘d do it based on the theories of Buber, Rogers, etc., and with the

help of other approaches, theories, concepts, tools, and techniques discussed in class and

in the readings. Feel free to argue with the theorists as long as you provide support for

your assertions and indicate understanding of theirs.

1. Readings for the first night of class focused on what it takes to truly improve the

quality of our interpersonal relationships: loving God first and ―others as ourselves‖

second, seeking first to understand, openness to change, and commitment. Do you

agree with these guiding principles? Why or Why not? What do they address about

your relationships or your ability to communicate? Do you think that ―it‘s that

simple‖ or are more dynamics involved; if so, what are they? Give examples from

your experiences to prove your answer.

2. What is the difference between hearing and listening? How have you improved your

ability to focus on the speaker and truly listen? What tools and/or techniques have

helped you the most? Talk about why they did or did not work for you? Offer in-

depth examples of how you put these techniques to work and what the outcome

involved.

3. Do you buy the idea that our self-concept is the product of interaction with others--

that we are influenced more by how others see and respond to us than other factors in

our experience, such as intelligence, character, social status, etc.? Take a stand one

way or the other and defend your position with support from the text and in-depth

examples from your life and relationships.

4. Define perception. Define stereotype. Where do they come from and how are they

influenced? How do they differ from person to person? How have you managed to

check yours for accuracy? Give examples of situations in your life where faulty

perceptions or stereotypes hindered communication and/or situations where your

personal communication techniques facilitated interactions. What concepts or theories

in your reading affirmed this and why? Has this ―awareness‖ improved any of your

relationships?



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5. Discuss an interpersonal conflict situation in your life? What was its source(s)? How

was it managed—i.e. what strategies/techniques were used by the parties? If it was

managed improperly, how could it have been managed differently? Who was satisfied

or dissatisfied in the end? Why?

6. We read about the importance of self-esteem and about the importance of building

self-esteem in others. How is self-esteem developed? What are the things that

influence it most? How can we as parents, spouses, friends, employers, and

teammates build and enhance the self-esteem of others? Offer in-depth examples of

how you‘ve seen this played out in the workplace.

Oral Presentation Critique

In a separate two-page paper, critique your final night oral presentation. Take into

consideration the written comments of your peer reviewers. Separate the critique into

four sections and discuss fully the quality of your content (what you said), organization

(execution of the different parts of speech – introduction, preview, main points,

transitions, etc.), delivery (eye contact, gestures, voice, enthusiasm, etc.) and overall

effectiveness. Within these sections, integrate answers to the following questions: What

were your strengths as a speaker? What were your weaknesses? How did this compare to

other public speaking you have done? What are your goals for your next presentation?



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Trevecca Nazarene University

Management and Human Relations Program

Student Curriculum Evaluation

Course Title and Number____________________________________________

MHR Group No_________________________________________

Student Name (optional)____________________________________________________

Please list any typographical errors, format problems, or unclear passages in this Module.

Be sure to identify each item with the appropriate page number, as well as the article/item

title, paragraph number, etc., since the modules are constantly being revised and page

numbers alone are not always reliable.

Please place this completed form in the MHR Drop Box. THANK YOU.

Student Guide - Revised July 2010

Documents

Transcript of Student Guide - Revised July 2010