24 hours in a day,24 beers in a case.

Coincidence?I think not.

I wrote a fewChildren’s books. . .

Not on purpose.

If you tell a joke in the forest,but nobody laughs,

was it a joke?

A lot of people are afraid of heights.

Not me. I'm afraid of widths.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night.

They sent me a wake-up letter.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got

there.

I was trying to daydream,But my mind kept wandering.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that

didn't happen.

In Vegas I got into a long argumentwith a man at the roulette wheel

over what I considered to be an odd number.

If at first you don’t succeed,skydiving is not for you.

If everything iscoming your way,

You’re in the wrong lane.

You can’t haveeverything. Where would you put it?

I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

What’s another word for

Thesaurus?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me

before we met.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks

he can get me five.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.

20 people were trapped on the escalators.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now

I have an existential map. It has “You are here” written all over it.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the

REAL poo!

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Change is inevitable....except from

vending machines.

If you were going to shoot a

mime, would you use a silencer?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...

I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live

above me are furious!

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game

Monopoly.

There’s a fine line between fishing and

just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time.“

So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I got this powdered water–now I don't know what to add.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I intend to live forever.So far, so good.