Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts
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Transcript of Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
STEPS TO RECOVERY FOR PARTNERS OF SEX ADDICTS
Mending a Shattered Heart & Facing Heartbreak
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Common Questions from Partners• Will this get better? Is there hope?• What is disclosure?• How do I structure my boundaries?• What do I tell the kids?• Should I stay or should I go?• What are the 12 steps and what can they do for me?• Where do I get help?• Is my husband a pedophile?• Is my husband gay?
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
THE COURSE OF RECOVERY OVER TIME AND THE PARALLEL PATH OF THE PARTNER
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
The Six Stage Model Defined for Partners• Stages are fluid and often overlap• No specific time periods for each stage• Similar to addict stages
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Stages of Recovery for the Partner• The Developing Stage (Pre-Discovery)• Crisis• Shock• Grief (Ambivalence)• Repair • Growth
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
THE COURSE OF RECOVERY OVER TIME
DEVELOPING STAGE
(Pre-discovery)
CRISIS/ Decision/ Information Gathering
SHOCK STAGE
GRIEF STAGE
REPAIR STAGE
GROWTH STAGE
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
THE DEVELOPING STAGE• Prior to learning partners behavior is an addiction
• Can last months or more commonly years.• Partners either knew of the behavior or were completely “in the dark” re: illicit sexual behaviors
• If a partner knew of behaviors, often would minimize, deny, blame themselves or join in the sexual escapades of the addict
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
The Developing Stage• Believe tall tales.• Tolerate, normalize unacceptable behavior from the addict (verbal abuse, dependency, unavailability, mood swings, etc.).
• Self- doubt (second-guessing, not trusting gut feelings).
• Seek couples therapy to treat the relationship.• Unmanageability.
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Crisis Stage• Façade of addict has been exposed.• Catalytic event that causes partner to confront reality of
the addiction• Information-seeking at its highest• Take action/ making decisions (e.g. sending to treatment,
joining a 12-step group, read literature pertaining to sexual addiction, separation, file for divorce, seek information
• Emotional turmoil
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Typical Path of Disclosure
• Deny everything• Disclose what you think you can get away
with• Disclose a bit more• Get confronted as more things come out• Disclose all• (REPEAT!)
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Shock Stage• Feelings and emotions occur as a result of the initial
discovery/disclosure of the addiction• Emotional numbness or avoidance• Feeling victimized/ traumatized• Suspicious• Fear about slips, future• Feelings of despair• Anger (hostility, self-righteousness, blame, criticism)• Ruminating/ Distrust• Desire accountability/ disclosure from addict
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Shock Stage Continued• Partner
• Disclosure of ALL previously concealed behavior is desired
• Reasons cited:• To make sense of the past• To validate their suspicions• To gain a sense of control• To assess their risk of STD exposure• To assess their partner’s relationship commitment
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Grief and Ambivalence
• Grieving losses.• Feelings of depression.• Ambivalence about the relationship.• Increased introspection and focus on the self.
• Less focus on the addicts behavior.
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Repair Stage• Introspection.• Decision-making stage about the relationship.• Deeper insight into possible co-dependency issues.• Family of origin themes examined and integrated.• Prior losses more fully grieved.• Increased strength and coping skills.• Boundary setting.• Emotional stability.
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Growth Stage• Decreased feelings of being victimized by the addiction.
• Focus on issues not directly related to the addiction.
• Awareness of your role in the dysfunction of the relationship increases.
• Acknowledgement of gifts the addiction has brought to your life.
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
STAGE MIX IN RECOVERY
1 2 3 4 5 6
Cri
sis
/Decis
ion
S
hock
Gri
ef
D
evelo
pin
g
1 2 3 4 5 6
S
hock
G
rief
1 2 3 4 5 6
G
rief
Rep
air
Gro
wth
Develop
ing
Crisis/D
ecision
R
ep
air
Gro
wth
Develop
ing
Crisis/D
ecision
Shock
R
ep
air
G
row
th
1. Early First Year
2. Third Year
3. Fifth Year
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Trauma Survivor or Codependent?
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Trauma model for partners
• Research shows partners experience PTSD symptoms and symptoms of acute stress disorder post disclosure (Steffens and Rennie, 2006)
• Sexual Trauma Model (Minwalla, Chapter 6 Mending)
• More practitioners acknowledging partner’s experience as trauma
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Trauma Model for Partners
• “Relational Trauma” triggers a multitude of trauma responses:• Emotional Turmoil• Fear that manifests as protective behaviors• Obsessing about the trauma• Avoidance of thinking about or discussing the trauma
• Intrusive thinking about the addiction or acting out behaviors
• Sleeplessness/ nightmares
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
The Level of Trauma is influence by…• Amount of deception• Length of time of deception• Gaslighting/ covert emotional abuse• Type of acting out/ offending behavior• Exposure to the acting out• Public Embarrassment• Impact on the children• Impact on finances
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Developing Therapeutic Alliance with the Partner
• Validate Trauma• Typical “Joining” strategies• Allow for narrating of story and pain• Emphasize the importance of their own therapeutic process
• Boundary work• Challenge cautiously – do deeper, more introspective work, after initial trauma symptoms have decreased• Abandonment, FOO issues, past traumas
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Traditional Codependency Model
• Approximately 50% of partners self-identify as “co-dependent”
• Many partners will not want to be “labeled”, especially initially.
• As therapeutic alliance grows may be able to challenge them more
• Couples nicely with addict’s 12 step work – partner “works their own program”
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Characteristics of Co-Addiction/ Co-dependency• Denial• Preoccupation• Enabling• Rescuing• Taking excessive
responsibility
• Emotional turmoil• Efforts to Control• Compromise of self• Anger• Sexual issues
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Criticisms
• Trauma Model
• Addict is “sick” and partner is “healthy”
• Does not challenge partner to get out of “victim” stance
• Does not challenge partner to take responsibility for their own behaviors
• Codependency Model
• Developed in Patriarchical Addiction culture
• Pathologizes family members
• Traumatizing to partners – when they feel misunderstood
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Influence on Partner Sexuality• Relational Sexual Difficulties• Sexual Aversion• Sexual Shame• Body Image Issues• Sexual Secrets• Obligatory Sex• Broken Trust• www.recoveryzone.com to take PSS
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Support for Partners• Therapy
• Task Centered Therapy
• Trauma work• Group support (facilitated group therapy)
• Normalizes• Decreases Shame
• Twelve Step Support• Spiritual Support• Family/ Couples work when appropriate• Bibliotherapy
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
TREATMENT FOR THE PARTNER
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
PARTNER TASKS
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
The Seven Tasks for Partners
1. Cope with the Trauma of Discovery/Disclosure
2. Manage the Crisis
3. Develop a Plan for Support and Self-Care
4. Understand the Nature of Addiction
5. Deal with the Emotional Aftershock
6. Communicate Effectively about the Addiction
7. Create a Recovery Plan
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Task 1: Cope with the trauma of discovery/ disclosure• Recognize the Trauma • Learn About the Toxic Dance of the Staggered Disclosure
• Toxic Flow: The STEPS of Staggered Disclosure • Identify Lies and Misinformation • Identify Level of Trauma • Recognize the Difference Between Big (Big T) and Small (Small T) Traumas in your Life
• Recognize Trauma Symptoms • Learn to Tell Your Story of What Happened
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Task 2: Manage the crisis
• Establish Safety • Create a Safety Shield • Set Non-Negotiable Boundaries • Set Healthy Emotional Boundaries • Set Healthy Physical and Sexual Boundaries • Set Healthy Boundaries for People, Places and Things • Develop a Communication Plan
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Task 3: Develop a plan for support and self care
• Establish a Support System • Build your Support Network • Find a Therapist • Learn About Group Therapy • Get Involved in a Twelve Step Community • Create a Self-Care Plan • Find Other Methods of Self-Care
• Practice a Relaxation Technique • Learn to Soothe
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Task 4: Understand the nature of addiction
• Learn key concepts about addiction in general • Learn about Sex Addiction • Learn about Addiction and the Brain • Recognize Current Beliefs About Addiction • Understand the Concept of Cross Addiction • Understand Criteria for Addictive Illness • Learn Risk Factors of Addiction
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Task 5: Deal with the emotional aftershock
• Identify your Emotions • Identify your Losses • Deal with Grievances • Manage your Pain • Cope with your Anger • Deal with the Shame and Guilt • Cope with Feelings of Numbness and Efforts to Distract• Deal with Confusion • Find Hope
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Task 6: Communicate effectively about the addiction
• Write a Partner Impact Letter • Identify Your Communication Style • Explore Communication Roles and the Karpman Triangle
• Create a Communication Toolbox • Write a Letter to Sex Addiction • Identify Toxic Ineffective Communication Strategies and Coping Behaviors
• Identify Hot Topics in about Sex Addiction in Your Relationship
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Task 7: Create a recovery plan
• Personal Craziness Index • Complete Forgiveness Exercise • Complete Forge Ahead Exercise • Complete a Sexuality Survey • Understand Partner’s Impact on Your Sexuality • Create Sexual Affirmations • Identify Negative Beliefs About Your Body and Your Sexuality
• Find Alternative Reactions to Destructive Behaviors
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
THANK YOU!