Stacey's Song

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Stacey’s Song

After Death:

Saving a Child’s Grieving soul

By: Stacey Meyers

With Cynthia Meyers-Hanson

Copyright 2004



Stacey’s Song

Copyright 2004

All rights reserved. No portion of this oo! "ay e

reproduced or utili#ed in any for" or y any "eans$

electronic or "echanical including photocopying$

%ithout per"ission in %riting fro" the authors.

&n'uiries should e addressed to: Stacey (eyers

%ith Cynthia (eyers)*anson

"chanson+,4-yahoo.co"

DEDICATION To our parents- may they rest in peace.

mailto:[email protected]

mailto:[email protected]



he follo%ing 'uotes are %hat readers are saying

aout the %riting style in oo!s$ logs$ or essays y

Cynthia (eyers)*anson A/A Sydney S. Song.

car"ennunn or Car"en Nunn: Cynthia$ r a great

t%itter friend$ person 1 the "as stories %ere

%onderful333(erry Christ"as3

sinadad or sinad: oh & love your oo!s

NancySinatra or Nancy Sinatra: & have ordered

your oo! and loo! for%ard to receiving it.

angelfr"canada or oc!in oin 5657: a%eso"e

author3

angelfr"canada or oc!in oin 5657: & got ti"e

to read it. 8a%eso"e93 So s%eet that you dedicated it

to your grand!ids 1 your dad 9

;eannie<al!er, or ;eannie <al!er: *i Cynthia$

=oved the log and follo%ed it. elling "y friends

aout it here on %itter... >lessings$ ;eannie <al!er

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you father33 ?our log %as good

C*Cat(o" or =inda: Great story. (y )day is...

C*Cat(o" or =inda: A" en6oying the stories.

<ill read "ore later.

Dean@f(usic or ic! Dean: & li!e %ell %ritten

childrens stories and this loo!s li!e one3 8):

ha>rain# or harain#: for t%itter true

inspiration...real B@3

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24cotton or 6oi: your oo! the vision t%as 'uite

en6oyale. i than! you again for sharing it %ith

"e :933

24cotton or 6oi: nice variety of literary %or! y

"chanson+,433 E"o"s on the roof...E inspirational

1 poignantly funny

eileenschuh or Fileen Schuh: "y good friend$

prolific %riter and spiritually) connected %o"an of

strength 8is9 "chanson+,4

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sharing3 :9

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loved that oo!.

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girl %I dysfunctional fa"ily eJplains her ne%

physical vision 1 spiritual visions) he Hision

"o""anissel or Sherri: Bics %as great Cindy. &

had no idea you could dra%. hey are perfect for

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(elanieKHautour or (elanie Hautour: <ant to

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daisyuc!ner or Dr. Daisy >uc!ner: Chec! out very

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the oof...E)one & particularly li!e

AlohaArleen or Arleen >oyd: =@HF your %riting3

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A<F@(F aleit heart)%renching log3 & %ill

proudly your log again 1 again.

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funny...and very talented....

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Introduction: London Bridge?

At ten$ Stacey’s and "y "other died as a result of

cancer. ;ust a fe% %ee!s later$ %e lost our father to

suicide he died in a fire that he "ade. &t %as a

tough ti"e.

@ne day$ Stacey’s counselor told "e it could ta!e

three to five years to pull her through the grieving

process. (y reaction %as$ OGod save "e3P <henat %it’s end$ *e %as "y only hope. & learned to use

all the sutle hints God provided to ans%er "y

current 'uestions.

Farly in her grieving$ Stacey acted out her anger.

(ost children can’t eJpress pain in %ords$ so they

de"onstrate it. & learned that fro" "y grief

counselor and her. Stacey shared her suffering %ithus in the follo%ing "anner. She scratched$ tripped$

and irritated her ne% fa"ily. &n rage$ she

challenged "y discipline and re'uire"ents for self)

control.

(any ti"es$ & thought$ O*elen /ellerP instead of

Stacey ecause the ten)year)old %as linded y

eJtre"e grief. *er itterness and anguish linded

her to an out reached hand. She graed the

appendage cla%ing it. She appeared as a trapped$

%ild ani"al. *er grief appeared that deep3 Fach

ti"e$ & loo!ed for so"ething to save her & searched

for her connecting phrase$ her O<AF3P As her

denial of her parent’s death susided and her

acceptance of her ne% life style gre%$ these

incidents eca"e further and further apart. & relied

on God$ counselors$ church "e"ers$ neighors$



and friends. So"eti"es$ & resorted to "y o%n %it

to pull this child out of destructive ehavior.

or eJa"ple: one day 8or "ost days in those first

t%o years9 an argu"ent et%een Stacey and her t%o

silings occurred. She eca"e so itter and unruly

that she egan scratching ;ulie until her victi" led.

;enny fled screa"ing$ O*elp3 She’s hurting us

again3P

ro" the !itchen$ & e"erged. Glaring at her$ "y

"outh screa"ed$ OStop3P &""ediately$ "y hands pulled the t%o girls apart. OSit do%n3P (y finger

%aved in a disciplinarian fashion in Stacey’s

direction. O=oo! at "e3P & continued until Stacey

responded. (y stare loc!ed her eyes as & added$ O&

!no% there is anger in your soul ut you %ill not

ta!e it out on the children. <e invited you into our

ho"e$ and you repay us %ith violence. &t %ill stop$

and it %ill stop no%3P

or years$ & re"ained captured y her eastly

ehavior. & feared she’d har" herself if & fled. &

gave up dinners$ "ovies$ vacations %hile guarding

her soul. hat changed ecause it had to change3

hat day$ & too! a ig leap of faith %hen & loaded

;ulie and ;enny into the car leaving Stacey lic!ing

her e"otional %ounds. (y only %ords to thegrieving child %ere$ O&’ll e ac!3P

&nstead of finishing the lunch preparations$ &

retreated %ith "y t%o natural children placing the"

at their Grand"other *elen’s house. Stacey

see"ed old enough to re"ain at ho"e alone and

scared enough to a%ait the return of so"eone in her

life.

Arriving ho"e$ & found Stacey cal"er and cleaning

her edroo". O<hat possesses you to hurt the ones



that are here to help youLP & reu!ed her ad

ehavior.

Stacey searched the floor for a reason for her

ehavior. She interrogated her soul for an ans%er

and peace. Curling into a fetal position$ Stacey’s

eyes and s!in "oistened$ O& can’t stop$ help "e3P

ODo you %ish you %ere orn to us instead of eing

du"ped hereLP

Stacey’s curled head egan to %ave in a positive

"anner. She pea!ed out fro" under her t%isted

ar". *er %hisper echoed$ O?es.P

O& can’t change your irth status. (y parents died

%hen yours did. hey %ere "y "o""y and daddy$

too.P ears flo%ed as %e e"raced. & started it$ and

she reacted positively to "y ar"s for a change

hugging in place of har"ing. Oheir death has

i"pacted "e in negative %ays$ too. *o%ever$ &don’t punch you around or har" you. Blease$ stop

attac!ing the girls.P

O<hy don’t you put "e in a foster ho"eL Get it

over %ith3P Stacey provo!ed.

O&f & %as going to get rid of you$ & %ould never have

uilt a edroo" for you3P & inter6ected.

O<hyL <hy do you !eep "eLP

O>ecause$ if & died$ &’d %ant so"eone to help "y

girls. (aye$ & care aout you$P (y "outh

"uttered. After "onths of co""otion and nasty

eJchanges$ & douted "y o%n good intentions.

Dragging the otto" of "y o%n pit of despair and

disappoint"ent$ & added$ O>esides$ (i!e once told

"e he %anted a ay girl 6ust li!e "y niece. <hen%e had our girls$ he %as pleased. No%$ he even got



his %ish. @n top of ;ulie and ;enny$ he has you.P A

s"ile flashed across Stacey’s face.

Counseling played a "a6or role in our first years

together. & a" an advocate. After this incident$ &

tal!ed to her psychologist and got alternatives for

anger eJpression. No longer %ere tripping$

pushing$ or pulling allo%ed during the eJpression of

despair. &nstead paper could e torn up and

scattered. Billo%s could e used to fight %ith the

ed. Screa"ing pri"al screa"s to release theanguish %ould e tolerated. Stacey %as allo%ed to

grieve ut not to eco"e violent against others.

*u"an actions %ould replace ani"alistic ones

ecause they %ere healthier and "ore "anageale.

As Stacey gained control of her e"otions$ she

opened her eyes to the eauty around her. hus$ she

egan to have nor"al responses to prole"s instead

of eJaggerated ones. e"e"ering a sad childhoodga"e$ =ondon >ridge "ay have fallen do%n.

*o%ever$ there is one lesson Stacey learned. ?ou

can reuild. here are al%ays people %illing to

sho% you ho% to start over.

<hen anyone as!s "e ho% %e "ade it through all

the disasters$ "y reply is$ O<e had no choice. he

only %ay out of grief is to go through it.P &f yourlife ever enters a si"ilar course$ it is "y

reco""endation that you ta!e a fe% essential

survival tools along %ith you. hese include:

patience$ hu"or$ reality$ a counselor or t%o$ friends$

fa"ily$ and especially faith.

inally$ the rest of this story %as %ritten through

Stacey’s eyes so that you can see ho% the child

found her %ay out of the dungeons of grief and

despair.



Chapter , : Christmas Terminal

he shado%s fall differently this ti"e of year. ree

leaves glo% %ith a hint of yello% signaling change.

Fach "orning$ the de% gro%s a it thic!er. At its

pea!$ the frost rese"les sno% especially if enough

sod %e%or" helped %ith this lan!et. FJiting the

house$ "y ody feels the sutle hint of chilly

%eather on its %ay. & can feel it in et%een each

al"y ree#e. Northerners "ay find it difficult tonotice Christ"as approaching unless they pee! at a

calendar. *o%ever$ & a" a native of the sutropics.

hus$ a Christ"as spirit arrives even %ithout

li##ards.

At this ti"e of year$ "y fa"ily follo%s a less than

rigid tradition. At the first cool snap$ %e turn on the

air conditioner and light the fireplace. Snugglingaround a large %ooden coffee tale$ %e sip hot

cocoa. As %e participate in this holiday ritual$

usually$ one of "y peers pulls the %hipped crea"

out of the refrigerator to refill her "ug %ith all the

froth it can hold. At ti"es$ so"eone’s cup

overflo%s. hat child hears fro" "o"$ OSlo%

do%n$ this is the first in a series of si"ulated cold

snaps.P hen$ the rest of the crea" is set aside forour neJt fa"ily "eeting at our coffee tale.

&f daddy isn’t ho"e %hen %e "eet at our spots on

the floor$ %e add an eJtra treat to our ti"e together.

<e light the Christ"as tree$ a porcelain sno%

covered village$ and a nativity set. After that$ one

of us starts a string of caroling ells as the others

eJtinguish all other non)seasonal illu"inations. &nthe glo% of our Christ"as decorations$ %e en6oy the

at"osphere. @ccasionally$ daddy interrupts this



tradition arriving ho"e in ti"e to point out the

household lights are off and the television is silent.

&""ediately$ the rest of us re"ind hi" that %ereplaced those things %ith Christ"as cheer.

During our Christ"as vigil$ "y Aunt Cindy$ "y

ne% silings$ and & escape to our private daydrea"s.

(ost ti"es$ & restore "e"ories of frigid

sno%stor"s during a "ountain top holiday.

Bro"pted y a special song$ "y sisters re"inisce

aout candle light processions and neighorhoodcaroling. So"e of us recreate the scene of shooting

stars visile through the ranches of pines %here %e

once ca"ped. he s"ell of hot chocolate provo!es

special Sunday deserts "e"ories in so"e %hile

re"inding others of a secret %ish.

@ur holiday seasons %ere not al%ays %ar" and

cal". ;ust a fe% short years ago$ & arrived at this

household during han!sgiving %ee! ecause "y"other egan dying fro" cancer. (y grandparents

adopted "e efore age t%o. hus$ "y Aunt Cindy’s

"other eca"e "y "o" as %ell. As you "ight

guess$ that particular holiday season introduced into

"y vocaulary the %ords frantic and painful. (y

Aunt and & spent hours at the hospital or our

parent’s edside in her ho"e. &t is al%ays painful to

say good)ye$ and the season of 6oy "ade it

unearale. & %as only ten years old.

At one point$ & re"ained loc!ed in anger %ith God$

all adults$ and this "isadventure. (y "isplaced

grief caused "e to lash out at "y ne% careta!er$ "y

Aunt Cindy$ saying$ O& a" going to tell your !ids

the truth aout Santa. hen$ %e %ill all e unhappy

together.P (y silings$ ;ulie and ;enny$ %ereyounger than "e. (y action %ould have een very



cruel. &n "y rage$ & didn’t really feel any concern

for their feelings.

Decisively$ Cindy’s responded$ E&f you destroy their

fantasy$ you %on’t get any Christ"as gifts fro"

Santa. ?ou etter not hurt anyone 6ust ecause you

are "ad ecause %e !no% Santa’s real na"e. >e

careful$ or you %on’t have any happiness this year3

& %ill return your presents.P

<hen Christ"as Fve arrived$ & got a truc!load of

gifts including so"e fro" "y aunt’s in)la%s. &nspite of eing included$ "y anger gre%. >eing at

ho"e %ith "y o%n parents %ould have een etter

than all the "aterial treasures in this %orld. &n an

atte"pt to eJpress this feeling$ "y voice screa"ed

at "y aunt’s "other)in)la%$ O& don’t %ant your gifts

ecause you are not "y grand"a3P

ossing the pac!ages to the floor$ & never %ore thes%eater covered %ith e"roidery puppies even

though it %as eautiful shades of pin!$ lue$ and

gold. =ater$ defending "yself$ & argued$ O&t %asn’t

"y taste in clothing3P hat argu"ent arrived to

ease "y conscience. *o%ever$ "y separation fro"

"y "o" !ept that gar"ent on the floor.

Apologetically$ "y careta!er %hispered$ Ohan!)

you3 & appreciate you thin!ing of her even thoughour "other is still alive at ho"e and under *ospice

care. <e are going to see "o"$ to"orro%.P

O*o% is she doingLP *elen$ her "other)in)la%

in'uired.

OShe can’t even sit up any"ore %ithout pain. &t

ta!es t%o people to place her in the %heelchair due

to her %ea!ness. his %ill e her last Christ"as$P(y Aunt Cindy added.



he neJt day$ Aunt Cindy and Aunt (argie spent

hours decorating "y "other’s house. *er ho"e

appeared the sa"e as years efore. (ean%hile$Cindy prepared the food in the oven. <hen &

arreled into "y ho"e$ fro" all s"ells and

appearances$ "y eing entered the treasured

"e"ories of "any childhood holidays. (y sense

of security %as 6ust an illusion.

Quic!ly$ reality struc!. After a "inor struggle for

"y ncle (i!e and ncle Andre%$ they pushed our"o" out to the living roo" for a Christ"as gift

eJchange. <ithin "inutes$ the unearale pain

hindered our "other fro" re"aining seated. As

so"e relatives escorted her ac! to her in)ho"e

hospital ed$ "y ne% father "oved "y ne% silings

and "e to%ards the front door. *e intended to ta!e

us to a party that they attended yearly. @nce

everyone left that Christ"as day$ Aunt Cindy satalone %ith our parents %ho %anted this to e a ad

drea". (y heart understood that desire.

<ee!s later$ as Cindy co"plained to one of the

*ospice nurses aout our "other’s last Christ"as.

hat lady pointed out the special gift our "other

received fro" an uneJpected source. his nurse

!ne% that her patient %aited for this holiday

annually. She could tell y the tons of Christ"as

fare in storage that this holiday too! precedent over

all others in this household. /no%ing "o"’s love

of children and fantasy$ that nurse !ne% the gift to

deliver to her patient.

Fach year$ Santa rides a fire engine throughout our

neighorhoods thro%ing candy. *earing the sirens

a fe% days efore Christ"as$ this nurse steppedoutside and a%ay fro" her duties to secure the gift.

Standing in the path of the onco"ing parade of



police officers$ city co""issioners$ and Santa$ she

re'uested a visit fro" St. Nic!. he entourage

stopped %hile (r. Claus cli"ed do%n off thetruc!$ through the cro%d of children$ and to "y

"o"’s edroo" %indo%. he shades %ere open to

let in the glo%ing %ar"th of the sun and the spirit

of that season. (y "other radiantly returned the

s"ile of the earded "an at her %indo% as %ell as

the neighor’s children at his sleeve. <e "issed

this "agical gift until the nurse narrated her tale.

After that year$ Christ"ases ca"e and %ent. Fach

year$ & eJpected a trace of "agic. (aye$ it %ould

e found arriving on a shooting star$ in an

uneJpected gift fro" an ac'uaintance$ or as a gift

not "entioned on the list to Santa. nless you have

a "agnifying glass during a ter"inal illness and

thereafter$ "ost li!ely$ you %on’t see the spirit and

"iracles of Christ"as arrive$ & !no% that & didn’t.<hen your focus on the ad things$ so"e gifts

delivered "ay re"ain ignored. ;ust as "y s%eater

%as re6ected$ these little rays of hope are left on the

floor possily ignored forever.

No%$ siJ years later$ in the char"ed "o"ent of our

hot chocolate rea!$ & re"inisced of past

Christ"ases hoping St. Nic!’s visit %ould touch "y

life as %ell. Daydrea"ing over cocoa this year$ &

heard "y aunt re"ind "e aout her o%n philosophy

of dealing %ith loss and grief$ OSi"ple acts of

!indness are the "agic of any holiday season. Stop

a%aiting grandiose signs that all is %ell in *eaven

and on Farth. Si"ple pleasures can sustain you.P



Chapter 2 : Hail, Whats Ne!t

>efore God forced "e to live %ith "y Aunt Cindy$

"y life included all for"s of pre)adolescent

ehavior. (y #eal for flights of fancy %as seldo"

te"pered y reality. At ten$ & placed "ost of "y

attention on the rope that hung fro" a ig oa! tree

in "y ac! yard. sing it as a s%ing$ it propelled

"e into dra"atic yet safe flight. So"eti"es$ itappeared as if & could fly. *o%ever$ "y all)ti"e

favorite activity %as going to the "all. >eing the

only child left in the ho"e$ "y parents indulged "e

%ith shopping sprees on an al"ost daily asis.

Carefree descried "y life. (y eJistence pro"oted

"agical tales to e %oven. *o%ever$ there isn’t a

life out there %ithout a prole" in search of so"e

solution.So"e ad ne%s arrived one fine$ sunny day that

caused a stor" %ith "ore fury than *urricane

Andre%. &t %as "id);uly and hotter than *ades the

day that & found out "y "other had ter"inal cancer.

eluctant to accept the truth and in the %ay of a

grieving father$ & left "y castle to live %ith "y Aunt

Cindy$ ncle (i!e$ ;ulie$ and ;enny. hings

changed suddenly "y life turned less than perfect.

he shoc! "ade "e al"ost non)redee"ale.

Fven though$ & lived %ithin t%o "iles of their

house$ this ne% ho"e felt %orlds apart fro" the

lifestyle that & en6oyed. Suddenly$ the center of

attention shifted fro" "e ecause "y %orld %as

shared %ith t%o peers$ ;ulie and ;enny. Fach day

apart fro" "y parent’s$ "y soul yearned for the privilege of only child status. &n "y "ind$ &

con6ured up stories that %ere not filled %ith fairies



or happily ever after phrases. <hile the

ther"o"eter raged past one)hundred degrees and

the pave"ent s%eltered eneath "y are feet$ "y"ind %ould %ander through chilling places. (y

"yths contained dungeons$ slayers$ and nothing less

than pitched for!ed guards. &n "y %ildest tales$

Aunt Cindy %as the chilling "aster guarding our

parents ecause they %ere sentenced to death.

he %ic!edest of step)"others appeared as cherus

in "y daydrea"s ecause "y only villain assu"edthe role of "y ne% careta!er. She "ade "e clean

"y o%n roo"$ do "y o%n laundry$ and %or! for an

allo%ance. <hile the t%o ugly step)sisters$ "y

cousins$ %illingly perfor"ed their chores$ & sat

rooding %hile free#ing in the cataco"s of "y

"ind.

inally$ the day arrived %hen the %orst ne%s

arrived. @ur "other had eaten her last "eal$ and thesentence to death y lethal disease re"ained intact.

his verdict %as not overturned y the dar! ages

court of appeal. At that "o"ent$ "y heart decided

that there %as no right side to life. Clouds in the

s!y never revealed silver linings. At the sa"e ti"e$

"y "ind %anted to return ho"e %hile pretending

this %hole thing %as 6ust a %ic!ed night"are.

&n ordinary circu"stances$ a ten year old %ould

have 6ourneyed ac! ho"e$ i""ediately. *o%ever$

our father fell apart at the funeral. *is life centered

on his spouse. Fven though his "ates eJistence

revolved around the life of their children$ he never

really "erged his universe %ith "e or any of his

offspring. During the %a!e$ the only dad & ever

!ne% reco""ended that "y Aunt Cindy continueto have the custody of his$ once again$ orphaned

child.



(y soul never felt the pain of the parental first

separation ecause "y life egan three days after

"y irth %hen & "oved in %ith "y grandparents.Soon thereafter$ "y grandparents adopted "e. (y

"other and father never !ept "y origins a secret.

(ean%hile$ "y "o" cuddled$ hugged$ and lavishly

loved "e as her o%n. No%$ the only unconditional

love "y short life ever %itnessed fled %ith this

cancer death. he separation defeated "y fantasy$

"erri"ent$ and hope.

<ithin %ee!s of "y initial shoc!$ "y father

co""itted suicide. *e set "o"’s car on fire and

got in. *e acco"plished this tas! after signing over

custody of "e to "y ne% guardians$ the evil ones.

(y Aunt tried eJplaining cancer and suicide to "e.

Devastated$ "y soul hid in heavy denial of reality.

(y circu"stances left "y life too unearale to

fatho". (y "ind translated Cindy’s strength$ faith$and perseverance as a lac! of love for our parent’s

and possily "e. he rage of dad’s fire a"ounted

to nothing co"pared to the anger that engulfed in

"y heart.

As in any %ar of t%o %orlds$ & despised the

"essenger for the ne%s she delivered. &n "y "ind$

%e %ould never e allies$ again. &t %asn’t an overt

retaliation at first. he shoc! too! a fe% days to

%ear off. Fventually$ & decided that "y "essenger

%as the ene"y. lying up fro" ehind as if "y

hands had a good grip on "y old rope s%ing$ & too!

out "y %rath and fears on Cindy. (y nails cla%ed

at her ar"s as & punched furiously and screa"ed$

O&’" going to end this$ no%3P

hen$ purposefully$ "y ne% "other tripped "e.<ith all her strength$ she pushed "y flailing ar"s

out and against the ground. *er ody perched on



"y s'uir"ing torso so that "y legs could not goose

her. inally$ "y face arrived right up against hers$

and she !issed "e. hat’s right "y eing suc!edface %ith this devil hu"an that & intended to

destroy.

O*o% are you going to end thisLP *er voice taunted

"e.

O&’" going to run in front of a car let it crush "e to

death3P

Ohat %on’t end it ecause you’ll spend an eternity

in *ell for you actions3P *er %arning occurred.

Ohere is no *ell ecause there is no *eaven.

here is no God ecause if there %as one *e

%ouldn’t have let "e loose a second set of parents.P

OGod didn’t force our dad to flee fro" this Farth3 &t

%as his ad decision3P (y aunt defended.

O?eah$ ut *e did ta!e "y "o". &f *e does eJist$

God "ust hate "e$P (y %ords "ade chilling sense.

*o% could an adult dispute this logicL So"e of the

old clichRs aout %hy God returns so"eone ho"e

to *eaven %ould have infuriated "e further. &n true

%isdo"$ Cindy searched for the neJt %ords.

OGod does not hate you$P &s the only phrase that she

"uttered. here 6ust %asn’t a set of %ords to

convince a child or even an adult that this situation

%as fair.

(ean%hile$ Cindy %isely called a crisis line %hen

her ody separated fro" "y torso. An appoint"ent

%ith a grief counselor occurred i""ediately.

Blacing a reluctant girl in a car is easier to do if you

offer a re%ard such as a shopping spree. At that"o"ent$ "y ne%est careta!er d%arfed Solo"on

ecause she tric!ed "e into the car %ith a vague



pro"ise of ne% clothes$ shoes$ or so"e other ite".

hen$ off to find support in this difficult ti"e$ %e

drove.

he counselor tried to eJplain our father’s departure

as a disease. @ur dad suffered fro" "anic

depression or ipolar disorder. O*e could not cope

once his help"ate left. hus$ he left this %orld to

find his %ife on the other side. (ean%hile$ he

never thought aout the psychological

conse'uences on the other relatives or you.P Shes"iled %hile enraging "e.

As "y careta!er and & continued therapy$ "onths

later$ & revealed$ O&f "y "o" had to die$ & didn’t

%ant "y dad to raise "e.P

O<hyLP he psychologist 'uestioned i""ediately.

O*e %as "ean3 @nce$ he thre% dishes at "e

ecause & sprayed <indeJ on the tale to clean. *e%as eating at the other end$ and it "ade hi" "ad.

he tale %ent up in the air and dishes fle% "y

direction as he hollered things aout "y stupidity.P

& eJplained "ee!ly.

OAre you glad he’s dead and afraid that is a %rong

feelingLP he counselor prodded.

(y soul felt the chill of the dungeon as & %anderedthrough the dar! thoughts in "y "ind. Suddenly$

"y "ind reali#ed that the dragon holding "y

parent’s prisoner %as not "y Aunt Cindy. he fire

reathing dragon %as "e. Shutting "y eyes$ the

tears tu"led over "y chee!s and rested on "y

pal"s that lie open in "y lap. & had to loo! a%ay

fro" everyone around "e ecause & had revealed

too "uch. Soon$ they %ould convince "e that there%as no good reason to con6ure these raging tales in



"y "ind. & %ould not udge off this anger so "y

retreat occurred hastily.

>rea!ing the silence$ & added$ Ohere is not a God.

&f there is one$ & don’t trust *i". *e is not "y

ather ecause & don’t trust any parents. (y "o"

told "e that she’d fight the cancer$ and &’d e ho"e

once she %as etter. She died. She lied. hen$ "y

dad left "e. *e !illed hi"self. &f you can’t trust

your o%n parents$ %ho can you trustLP

he counselor and "y aunt could only o% theirheads in silence as the dar!ness of "y thoughts

tu"led past "y lips. inally$ the counselor spo!e$

ODo you !no% your parent’s are dead and that

Cindy doesn’t have the" hiding out so"e%hereLP

(y head oed up and do%n as the flurry of tears

susided and ree"erged. OCan you trust anyoneLP

Again$ "y head elevated and descended in rhyth".

No%$ the tas! %as to find out %ho" & trusted

ecause that person or those people could help "e

ridge ac! fro" self)hatred and possile self)

destruction. Did the counselor dare push "e on this

day$ or should she let the neJt revelation occur in its

o%n ti"eL he counselor "oved for%ard$ OStacey$

do you trust any adultsLP

Da%n crept near and the sun pee!ed ti"idly as itgained in position aout to reappear in "y life.

*o%ever$ "y soul re"ained reluctant to %ander out

of the cataco"s ecause &’d have to truly elieve

that "y parents %ould not return to this %orld$

today or any other day. Fventually$ "y voice

"uttered$ O& only trust Cindy3P

he "issing lin! et%een the pain and the solutione"erged. &t %as a good thing & spared the

"essenger. he counselor %as %ell a%are of "y



ac!ground. nli!e the ten)year)old needing her

counseling$ "y aunt %as %ell anchored in reality.

hus$ the healer continued$ O?ou trust AuntCindyLP She %as not slo% or hard of hearing. &n

fact$ this lady %as laying the foundation for the road

that & %ould 6ourney ac! over fro" despair to

hope.

O?es$ & told you$P (y "ind argued aloud.

O?ou dont trust your deceased parents for lying to

you or for leaving you on purpose$ a" & rightLP (yans%er %as a slight nod. O&s God an adultLP he

positive affir"ation continued. O?ou feel you can’t

trust *i" ecause you can’t trust your "o" and

dadLP (y %hole eing shrie!ed as a result of all

this 'uestioning. (y head halted its nodding and

re"ained in a o%ed position. O?ou trust Cindy$

and she is an adult3P

ONo she is not3 She is one of the !ids3 Cindy is one

of "y parent’s children$P (y voice oasted as if &

6ust revealed a secret to this stranger.

O*o% old is a gro%n)upL <ould you say so"eone

t%enty)one or older is an adultLP he counselor set

the stage to tric! "e into eing reasonale.

& raised one ar" slightly and "ade a yes "otion%ith "y clenched fist. OSo$ an adult can e as young

as t%enty)oneLP his counselor %ould have "ade a

fine defense attorney. (y thu" rose and pointed

in a fashion that "eant definitely. hat’s %hen the

psychologist positioned to pose the "ost i"portant

'uestion. O?ou said you trust no adults including

God ut you have every confidence in your aunt.P

his line of 'uestioning agitated "e so & s'uir"edin "y chair.



Giving "e a rea! fro" the in'uisition$ the

counselor as!ed$ OCindy$ are you a child of her

deceased parentsLP

Quic!ly$ her voice responded$ O?es$ & a" one of the

original four !ids. Stacey %as orn "y niece and

adopted as "y sister.P

OSo$ she is right to call you a !idLP

O?eah$ ut...P

O&s there so"ething to addL *o% old is an adult foryouLP

O@ver t%enty)one$ & guess$P he dialog continued

et%een the counselor and Cindy. hey used

%ords instead of "y sign language.

OStacey$ since you oth agree that t%enty)one year

olds are adults$ %ould you li!e to !no% Cindy’s

ageLP he counselor got a shrug out of "e. O@!ay$ho% old are youLP

Ohirty)five3P Cindy announced proudly.

OAh3 *a3 ?ou are an adult$ and Stacey trusts you.

(aye$ she can learn to trust even "ore people no%

that she reali#es so"e tell her the truth "ore often$P

he counselor concluded. hen$ an eJplanation

follo%ed$ O?our "o" %as trying to spare yourfeelings y not ad"itting she %as dying ut that

confused you "ore. &t %as a ad decision.P

=ater in another conversation$ Cindy told "e$

Ohere are a ton of reasons %hy you need to live.

irst$ you haven’t even seen all the %orld has to

share %ith you. here are so"e really eautiful

places left to visit.PO<hereLP (y eing as!ed tartly.



O<ell$ %e %ent to see sno% once and sledded do%n

a hillside. *ave you ever heard the crunch of sno%

eneath your feetLP Cindy thought of a "agical%orld to descrie to "e. She rought fantasy in her

voice. =oo!ing up$ & %ondered ho% she could

disengage her o%n grief for "e. *o% could she e

filled %ith hope %hen & only !ne% despairL

As & searched her eyes for a clue to her s"iling

spirit$ & ans%ered$ ONo$ &’ve never seen sno% in

person. Can %e go at Christ"asL Can & uild asno%"an li!e rostyLP & returned to frivolous

ehaviors after a long grief)filled 6ourney. (y eyes

t%in!led %ith the vitality that "y old rope s%ing

shared %ith "e in the past. <as it energy shooting

fro" "y Aunt’s eyes or "y o%n hope returningL

<as & finally restarting "y young lifeL

>efore & could decide on the ans%ers to those

'uestions$ "y Aunt responded$ O& get t%o %ee!svacation in Dece"er. <e can drive into the

"ountains and find sno% for the holidays.P

Suddenly$ & pictured sledding$ friendly sno%all

fights$ crystal castles$ and "agical sno%"en.

Christ"as rea! %ould not arrive soon enough$ and

& could arely capture "y pleasure as "agic carried

"y soul. (y thoughts filled %ith glistening sno%as "y cold dar! ages converted to chilly thoughts

lan!eted y co#y fireplaces.

hen$ the ad luc! returned %hen "y careta!er

cancelled this trip. ;enny %as hospitali#ed after

repeated infections. *er tonsils needed to e

re"oved$ and the pro"ised trip %as postponed. &

!ne% that there %as al%ays to"orro% for drea"s to

co"e true ut "y alar"s %ent off. (y soul verged

on returning to its dar! ages.



O;enny destroyed "y drea"3P & lurted out.

Ohese things happen. No one gets sic! on purpose.

=ife is full "isadventures. here is good ne%s

then ad ne%s follo%s. irst$ a ne% ay appears

full of ne% hope. hen$ %e have to ury a person

after love shared. &n et%een$ there is a series of

good then ad events. hat’s life.P (y Aunt

rese"led a frustrated philosopher as she eJplained

things to "e.

O&t %asn’t good ne%s %hen & %as orn3P Bity too!over "y "outh.

O?es$ it %as3 <hen you leave us so"e day that %ill

e sad.P Cindy contended. hen life %ent on

ecause$ so"eti"es$ no %ords can help a grieving

soul.

(ean%hile$ the operation %ent %ell ut ;enny

clai"ed the center of attention. or a year or "ore$& strained "y aunt’s e"otional udget %ith %ee!ly

then i)%ee!ly counseling. No%$ she focused on

her youngest child rather than the failed atte"pt to

find sno%. & forcily learned the %ord share$ and it

%as a hard lesson for a previously only child.

>y (arch$ Spring rea! planning too! the spotlight.

As %e discussed a long deserved vacation$ "y auntrecalled$ OStacey %anted to see sno% at Christ"as.

&t’s too ad our rea! is co"ing in the spring.P

O<e "ight find sno% in Canada this ti"e of year.

@r "aye$ (ichigan. (y ncle ed lives near

Canada. & %onder if there is still sno% on the

ground3P (y ncle (i!e suggested.

OFven if there is$ it %ould cost too "uch to fly allfive of us. <e only get a %ee! rea!3P

O?eah$ you’d have to fly.P



Oorget it3 <e can drive to see sno% neJt %inter$P

She rationali#ed.

Fventually$ the girls egan discussing spring rea!

as %ell. @ne "orning$ on the %ay to school$ ;ulie

stated$ O& %ant to go to the each.P

O?eah$ the each3P ;enny responded %ith a

co"pletely healed throat.

inally$ & ro!e "y self)inflicted silence$ O& %ant to

see sno%. & a" not going on vacation unless %e go

see sno%3P

O>e reasonale. he only sno% is far a%ay$ and

%e’d have to fly there$P Cindy retorted.

Ohen$ let’s "a!e flight reservations.P &t’s al%ays

easier to "a!e a suggestion %hen so"eone else

pays the ill.

Ohe sno% %ould e so far north$ and %e "ay noteven find it there3P She eJplained rather than

disclose finances.

Ohen$ & %ish it %ould sno% here3P (y response

arrived.

OGet real3 &t rarely sno%s in Central lorida. &f it

does$ it falls in ;anuary and never hits the ground.

&t "elts on the %ay. &t so"eti"es falls 6ust north ofus and stays a fe% hours ut nothing close to

sno%"an %eather. <e can drive to see sno% neJt

%inter$ ut %e are not flying any%here this

vacation.P

OSo %hat3 &’" going to pray for sno% %ithin

driving distance of our house. & a" going to as! for

it no%$P (y style less angry these days converted to elligerent.



OBray a%ay3 >ut$ it isn’t possile$P She added as

the other car passengers giggled. At age seven and

nine$ they reali#ed & could e unreasonale at ti"es.

hat afternoon$ stor" clouds rolled into Central

lorida. & %itnessed dar! clouds efore$ and they

%ere al%ays a%eso"e. Quic!ly$ Aunt Cindy

entered our school uilding to retrieve us efore the

do%npour. Fveryone "entioned that the clouds

%ere so dar! and scary. Beople feared a t%ister.

(y aunt suggested %e’d e drenched if %e didn’t pic! up the pace to the car.

Arriving ho"e "inutes efore the fast "oving

clouds$ the girls clic!ed on the television. Fven

fro" the front door$ & heard the eeping as the

%eather ureau %arned residents to re"ain inside

and alerted the" to possile tornadoes. S%iftly$ %e

scurried around unplugging the television$ personal

co"puter$ and other lightning prone gadgets. hen$the deluge egan. &t rained so fast that the t%o

inches of eJposed pool tile %as s%iftly overco"e

%ith %ater. <atching out the ac! sliding glass

door$ the s!y lit up a fire%or!s display far etter

than any on the ourth of ;uly. <ithin a half hour$

the sun reappeared and a raino% e"erged arely

visile in the <est. he sun set soon after that

vision.

he neJt day$ the front page of the local ne%spaper

pictured the hail stor" that happened 6ust south of

our ho"e. *ail stones piled into drifts so high that

it appeared to have sno%ed in lorida. <ith a usy

schedule$ "y ne% parent found the pictures

a"using$ ut it didn’t co"e together in her "ind

that the stor" held a special "eaning to "e.



&t %asn’t a %ee! later %hen the clouds arreled in$

again. lorida is prone to sudden tropical stor"s.

Gro%ing up in lorida$ "y fa"ily haituallyunplugs their appliances and pulls out the

flashlights. his stor" too! place after dus!$ thus a

frantic search for atteries for the dead flashlights

ensued. So"eone al%ays leaves one flashlight

urning. ?ou’d thin! %e’d learn to have eJtra

atteries handy.

After this stor" passed$ television vie%ing resu"ed.Bri"e ti"e$ our favorite sho%s lared. he fury of

the rain gave us eJtra energy. (ean%hile$ & san!

into an easy chair to vie% the sho%s %ith ;ulie and

;enny. Suddenly$ a ne%s rea! interrupted. he

ne%s tea" sho%ed pictures of the hail stor" at the

university 6ust south of our ho"e. (y Aunt Cindy

attended that university %ithout having to use the

dor". &t is %ithin driving distance of our house.he neJt day$ as "y aunt tal!ed %ith colleagues

aout the unusual %eather conditions$ a revelation

e"erged$ O@h shoot3P She spo!e aloud to herself

%hile "eandering ac! to her des!. OStacey told

"e she %as going to pray for sno% %ithin driving

distance of our house. he only sno% that can

happen and stic! in lorida is hail. & have to as! her

to stop praying so hard.P

After pic!ing "e up at school$ %e %ent to the

counselor for a pre)planned session. hey planned

to tal! aout disappoint"ents and accepting so"e

grief in life. @n the %ay to this appoint"ent$ the

deate egan$ OAre you still praying for sno%LP

O?es$P & replied.

O<ell$ stop it ecause it already sno%ed t%ice

%ithin driving distance of our ho"e. *o%ever$ the



only ice that stic!s in lorida is hail. &t is not fun to

play in ecause sno%all fights %ould hurt. ?ou

can’t do a sno%"an$ either. So$ stop praying ecause God has a sense of hu"or and !eeps

ans%ering your pleas %ith hail.P

pon arriving at the counselor$ %ithout pro"pting

fro" Cindy$ the psychologist added$ OStacey$ ho%

co"e & thought of you %hen the hail egan outside

"y office this %ee!L & %ent outside and pic!ed up

so"e of the ice alls.P *er ar" "ade a reaching"otion$ and her hand rose as if she %ere holding a

ge" stone. O& loo!ed at that ice crystal in

a"a#e"ent. (y first thought %as ho% "uch li!e

sno%drifts the piled ice loo!ed. (y neJt thought

%as Stacey has een praying to see sno%$ and God

has een ans%ering her.P

here %as a pause as & strutted and giggled. (y

aunt 'uic!ly eJpressed her feelings aout theincidents$ O& could have driven Stacey to see the

lorida sno% if & %asn’t so asored in finishing a

tas! at %or! efore our vacation.P

O@h$ yeah3 Stacey %anted to go see sno% on her

vacation and illness disrupted it. hen$ she pleaded

to fly off to see sno% instead of going to a each

resort$P he psychologist "entioned.O?eah$ so & !ept praying for sno%3P & added

gleefully.

O&f the hail stor"s are not God crying out to you

Stacey$ then$ *e doesn’t eJist. & have never seen

such a dra"atic "essage fro" God. Surely$ *e

eJists and *e doesn’t hate you3 @viously$ *e

hears your prayers.P



(y conclusions ended this session$ O(y only regret

is the hail da"aged other’s property especially their

cars. & %ant a cool car %hen & get older. So"e nicecars got %rec!ed y "y prayers.P A"used$ this

session "ar!ed the eginning of the end of "y need

for grief counseling.

&t "ay e odd for a counselor to proclai" ne%s of a

fair and loving God ut "iracles can happen. &

%asn’t on "y rope s%ing$ ut "y "ood !ept flying.

& en6oyed our spring rea!. hen$ the neJtChrist"as$ & got to play in the sno% in >oone$ North

Carolina. hat’s another story.

###



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