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Inspiring Families and Empowering Change

Resource Packet: 2019 WWA & Fit Families Development October 30, 2019

The Difference Between Consulting, Therapy, Parenting, and Coaching

is as

Simple as Riding a Bike

A consultant is an expert in bike riding. They have mastered the bike riding process and have determined the best way to do it. They tell you where to sit and where to put your feet, how fast you should go and when to brake. They focus on the problem. A therapist cares about why you are unable to ride a bike. They discuss your fears about riding and the consequences of falling. They focus on why the problem is there. A parent buys the bike for you and may put on your training wheels and take them off when they think you are ready. A mentor has been riding the bike for a while and is there to share their experiences and expertise of bike riding. A coach listens to your desire to try riding. There is a lot of asking and not telling. They ask you if you need instructions on how to ride and ask you where you might get them. They ask if you like the color and kind of bike you’re about to ride. They are running alongside of you holding the bike steady while you’re learning. They are cheering you on every step of the way, and they let go of the bike when you are ready to ride slowly. They will help you discover what you need to take care of yourself when and if you fall. And, when you stop the coach might ask you about your bike ride and what was valuable, and whether you want to pursue mastery of bike riding. If you do, the coach helps you devise a plan whereby you can attain that mastery. If you don’t, then the coach may help you devise a plan to sell your bike. The coach never leaves your side! A coach is focused on you.

SUCCESS A fabulous client wrote: “I’ve learned what to do. I didn’t know what to do when I called you. I know what I should eat and shouldn’t eat and exercise is important. You’ve done a good job of NOT telling me what to do. It all comes down to deciding. I have the tools now.” This client ultimately lost 30 pounds and has kept it off. His habits now include: cardio 5 or 6 days a week, eating breakfast 7 days a week, eating a healthy lunch 5 days a week and eating 2 servings of veggies daily.

Sources: www.Coachu.com and Coaches Training Institute www.thecoaches.com

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Goldilocks Quiz: True or False

1. Goldilocks was a small girl.

2. Goldilocks knocked on the door before entering the house.

3. The bears had porridge for breakfast.

4. Papa Bear’s porridge was too hot.

5. There were three bears.

6. Goldilocks ate all of her porridge in one bowl.

7. There were three chairs in the lounge.

8. Goldilocks broke the baby bear’s chair.

9. Goldilocks went upstairs to the bedroom.

10. Mama Bear’s bed was too soft.

11. When Goldilocks saw the bears she was frightened.

12. Goldilocks ran off into the forest.

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We Have Two Ears, One Mouth

We can look in the mirror and see that perhaps we were designed to listen more than to speak. As soon as we are born into this world and cry our first cry we realize that using our mouth gets a quicker response from others than using our ears. As life continues we use “our mouth” more and more. Truly listening can be life changing for you and for others.

Take this quiz to assess your listening abilities. Many of us already think we are good listeners. But how good are we really?

1. Listening means paying attention. When I listen to someone, I focus my attention on the speaker. I look directly at them and concentrate on hearing what they are saying. __Always __ Most of the time __Sometimes __Never

2. Listening means accepting what the other person says. When I listen to someone, I withhold judgment and accept what they are saying “as is.” I acknowledge what the person is saying without labeling it right or wrong, good or bad, true or false. __Always __ Most of the time __Sometimes __Never

3. Listening means being interested in what the other person says. When I listen to someone, I invite the speaker to give their opinion, say what’s on their mind, or say how they feel about the topic or issue. __Always __ Most of the time __Sometimes __Never

4. Listening means confirming and clarifying what I believe I heard. When I listen to someone, I ask specific questions such as “What I heard you say is ... is that right?” or “I think I understand what you said, but will you elaborate on ...?” or “When you say ..., do you mean...? __Always __ Most of the time __Sometimes __Never

5. Listening means being empathetic. When I listen to someone and I begin to feel defensive or impatient or angry, I try to put myself in the other person’s shoes and appreciate what they might be going through. __Always __ Most of the time __Sometimes __Never

6. Listening means being involved. When I listen to someone, I respond actively by nodding, making interjections and asking questions such as “How do you feel about that?” or “What would you have liked to do or say?” __Always __ Most of the time __Sometimes __Never

7. Listening means letting go of control. When I listen to someone, I don’t always jump right in with a solution, or try to fix things, or have to say the “right” thing. __Always __ Most of the time __Sometimes __Never

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8. Listening means not judging the speaker. When I listen to someone, I really try to not get hung up on the delivery, even if it’s awkward, hesitant or garbled, or if their voice or speech mannerisms are irritating. __Always __ Most of the time __Sometimes __Never

9. Listening means withholding any rebuttal until the speaker is finished. When I listen to someone, I listen to the entire message before I mentally begin my rebuttal, defense, argument or denial. Then, I wait a beat or two before I begin speaking to make sure I’ve let the speaker finish, and I am centered in my response. __Always __ Most of the time __Sometimes __Never

10. Listening means paying attention to the whole message. When I listen to someone, I take in their non-verbal messages, too — facial expressions, gestures, eyes, tone of voice, and posture because I understand these can contradict or confirm the words that are used. __Always __ Most of the time __Sometimes __Never

11. Listening means being present. Sometimes I’m unable to give my full attention to someone. When this is the case, I let the person know by saying something like, “Now’s not a good time for me to talk about this, can we discuss it later?” then agree to a specific time to have the discussion. __Always __ Most of the time __Sometimes __Never

Remember, just because we’re born with two ears and one mouth, it doesn’t mean we start off life as good listeners. Becoming a keen listener is a skill we learn, and like other skills, it takes time and patience to get better.

Keen Listening Skills

Apply the 80/20 rule. Listen 80% and speak 20%.

Suspend judgment of what’s being said.

Don’t interject your thoughts. Wait a full two seconds before you respond.

If you are sitting down at that somewhat “tense” family dinner or a meeting at work, think about staying curious. Listen. Ask curious questions. Refrain from giving your opinion. Just. Listen.

Being a good listener is a gift we can give to other people. Letting someone know they have really been heard is one of the most compassionate things we can do for each other.

Source: Adopted from Bob Bates, November 19, 2007.

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Mindful Listening

We were born with two ears but only one mouth. Some people say that’s because we should spend twice as much time listening. Others claim it’s because listening is twice as difficult as talking. We need to listen for facts, feelings and what they are really saying. What is not being said? Even silence is a type of listening. To be a great listener you will want to avoid interrupting, avoiding eye contact, rushing the client, and letting your attention wander and finishing the client’s thoughts. Three Levels of Listening Level I Listening is internal. “Listening to ME” We hear the words of the other person, but the focus is on what it means to us. We notice everything that is going on inside you during the conversation. What thoughts or feelings are you having in the midst of it? Most of our listening is on what we are going to say in response. Friend: “I went to a new Indian restaurant and tried to stay on my diet but it was hard.” You: “Where is that restaurant I really want to go eat there?” Level II Listening is focused. “Listening to YOU” This level involves focusing 100% of your attention on the other person. You practice shining a single spotlight of attention on the other person so that they are the only thing you see. You are never thinking ahead to what you want to say next or what you’re going to ask. You stay with the person in the present moment. The listener provides focused attention. You: “Great job on working on your diet at the Indian restaurant. I am proud of you.” Level I and II listen primarily for words. Level III Listening is a global range of listening. “Listening to US” This level is the practice of noticing what is happening in the space between you and the other person. And, you are picking up emotion, body language, and the environment itself. What is not being said is also being ‘heard.’ Level III picks up on everything else including all sensory data as well as mood, pace, and energy. With global listening you listen for things other than words. You: “Feels like you were anxious about going out to eat but managed just fine.” Mindful Listening Means:

• Paying attention to their intentions

• Being interested not interesting

• Letting go of control and fixing

• Pause before you respond

• Seeking the whole message – facts, emotions and body language

• W.A.I.T. Why am I talking?

Sources: Wellcoaches ™, Coaches Training Institute, Coachu

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Reflective Listening

Reflective listening statements (reflections) are like mirrors, enabling people/clients to see themselves in a new way. It lets people/clients know you heard them. You are able to connect more deeply. Reflections keep the focus on the heart rather than just the head. The ideal ratio of questions to reflections is 1:2. Simple Reflection These reflections are like the images we see in a flat mirror. You repeat exactly what the person said. Sounds like “parroting back.” You restate and paraphrase what they say using their exact words without exaggeration or any interpretation. Colleague: “I ran out of time and I had a really difficult time completing my project. No one else on the team had to do this.” You: “I heard you say had a hard time completing your project.”

Amplified Reflection These reflections are like the images we see in a convex or concave mirror. They maximize or minimize what the person says to evoke disagreement from them so we can elicit change talk. It is also called an exaggerated reflection. The exaggeration can be expressed through the words and, or your tone of voice. Colleague: “I ran out time and I had a really difficult time completing my project. No one else on the team had to do this.” You: “You can’t complete your project because you are always out of time and feel like you have more to do than others on your team.” Double-Sided Reflections These reflections are like images we see in tri-fold mirrors – revealing multiple perspectives at the same time. You reflect both sides of the story you hear them describing. Colleague: “I ran out of time and I had a really difficult time completing my project. No one else on the team had to do this.” You: “You’ve shared a number of reasons why you don’t have the time to complete your project and that other team members don’t have to do it. But, I also head you say you love checking things off your to do list to reduce your stress.” Shifted-Focus Reflections These reflections are like the images we see in a periscope. You redirect the attention away from the resistance-provoking subject to focus on another area. Colleague: “I ran out of time and I had a really difficult time completing my project. No one else on the team had to do this.” You: “Because you don’t have time to complete your project, let’s instead talk about how you successfully started the inventory project and how you are enjoying it.”

Sources: Wellcoaches ™, Coaches Training Institute, Coachu and http://motivationalinterview.net/clinical/interaction.html

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Questions The number one way to get clients focused on their goals is to ask open-ended questions.

What, How, Where, When Questions “Information/ Solution Questions” move clients forward

1. What do you want right now? 2. What is important to you? 3. What does it look like? 4. What is holding you back? 5. When will you give yourself permission to obtain it? 6. What makes this the right time for you to do this? 7. What will you gain by______? What will you lose by ______? 8. What motivates you? 9. What has to be in place for you to feel success? 10. What stops your success? 11. Who is in your way of success? 12. How does success feel? 13. What is your first step? 14. What are you willing to do? 15. What would it take for you to just do it? 16. How would your life change if you started______? 17. What are you fearful of? 18. What are your strengths? 19. Who do you admire? Why? 20. Which area do you want to change first? 21. What do you like to be remembered for? 22. What is working for you? 23. What is best about your life today? 24. What would you like more of in your life? How is it linked to your health and well-being? 25. What would you like less of in your life? How is it linked to your health and well-being?

Why Questions “Fishing Questions” can keep clients stuck. Avoid except when asking about the client’s motivators The “I don’t know” answer “I don’t know” leads to an exploration party. This is a time to help your client explore their options based on their life experiences. Five Questions for “I don’t know:”

1. Do you want to know? 2. How has “not knowing” affected you before? 3. How has “not knowing” held you from getting the results you want? 4. What would you like to be doing differently? 5. If you pretended you did know, what would be your answer?

“The number one tool that can change your life is a question.” Chere Bork

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Event > Belief > Emotion > Behavior Questions

EVENT > BELIEF > EMOTION > BEHAVIOR

Event

There is always an event-something happens!

▼

Belief You can have a negative belief or a positive belief about the event.

Ask yourself: Is my belief justified? Does my belief serve a useful purpose? Does my belief make me feel better?

Is this my belief or someone else’s belief? Remember, belief is not a fact...just your belief! It is not true or false.

▼

Emotion Your belief causes an emotion ― you can be happy, sad, frustrated, or angry from what you believe.

▼

Behavior You act on your emotions.

MY EVENT > MY BELIEF > MY EMOTION > MY BEHAVIOR

Positive

Negative

Are your beliefs empowering or limiting?

“Change happens not by trying to make yourself change, but by becoming conscious of what’s not working.” ~ Fritz Perls

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Creating Balance with Boundaries and Standards

Standards are behaviors of excellence that you naturally hold yourself to. Standards are when you say "yes" in your life.

"I will answer the phone from 5 - 9 p.m. each evening.”

Boundaries are when you say "no" in your life.

"I will not answer the phone after 9 p.m. each evening.” By setting your boundaries, you will be raising your standards and vice versa. They go hand in hand. You can choose your standards. Choose the standards you are ready for, not the ones you think you "should " have. Make a list of people you admire. Write down their top qualities and think about the standards of behavior they hold themselves to. Write a list of standards you would like to adopt for yourself. My five absolute standards:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

My five absolute boundaries:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

“Life is not a stress rehearsal.” --Loretta Laroche

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5 Ways People Invade Your Boundaries

The stuff that keeps us awake at night is the invisible stuff. It’s often our stressful interactions with our relationships in our work and home life. This stuff seems like little stuff but it gnaws away at us. To avoid feeling guilty we try to please others. We don’t want to disappoint at the expense of our own happiness. Boundaries to the rescue! As a coach I have observed weak boundaries that are at the root of 80% of problems. Understanding them can help you create happy balances with all the people in your life. Boundaries are like an energy field that protects your body, mind and spirit. They are what you have determined that other people cannot do to you. Physical boundaries are used to regulate the distance between us. You can’t go through my purse without my permission. You need to clean up your lunch mess in the office break room. Emotional boundaries are less tangible but no less real and probably more important than physical. It is the emotional space you create between yourself and others. Often, I see a need to please or seek approval from colleagues or boss as the reason to work many hours without compensation. You will burn out but worse than that your colleagues and your boss will start to accept your extra work as the norm and will be disappointed if you try to take back some time. Here are the 5 top ways people invade your boundaries. Boundary invaders are usually unaware of what they are doing.

1. Requests for your help that ignore refusals, or that, once acquiesced to, go on to require far more time or effort than originally agreed to.

2. Using your belongings or personal property as a matter of course without getting your approval first or borrowing them and not returning them on time or returning them damaged.

3. Holding you hostage by continuing a conversation without regard for the fact that you have said you must leave or are busy or are clearly trying to put an end to your conversation.

4. Offering your help; or making promises on your behalf, to someone else without first consulting you. 5. Keeping you waiting, not keeping appointments, not respecting your time.

What to do? First, decide what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior with other people. Second, know what you will do if someone crosses your boundary. A great coaching tip I share with all my clients is gently and non-emotionally saying, “this won’t work for me” and then stop speaking. Wait for their response on what will work for them. Or say, “I have a personal need for ______. What can you do to help me get it?” Third, do it regardless of the consequences. Usually it requires that you say something, do something or leave. Setting boundaries is not a way to vent anger. It is a process and it will not happen overnight! Practice and practice some more. What are the benefits? You will attract people who have similar respect for themselves. You will feel more confident and in charge or your life again. Think of the most successful people you know. They have clear boundaries. Bet they appear happy too. Remember successful people are not always happy, but happy people are successful. You have one life to live, just imagine it was one you loved! Better get busy!

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Shoulds vs Wants vs Needs Distinctions

Shoulds Shoulds are those things you think you ought to want. Shoulds are based on shame, duty or guilt. They are externally prompted (our ego, spouse, parents, peers, boss, society, etc.) or consequence avoidance. Have you ever thought...? "I should do this to be a good daughter!" "If I do this, then "y" will happen." "My spouse tells me I need to…." "I should lose weight!" The problems with shoulds are they make you feel like you are doing the right thing, yet they typically aren’t motivating enough to inspire change. This creates a state of continual dissatisfaction. The satisfaction in achievements is short lived. How much of your life are you living versus how much of someone else's life are you living? Is someone “shoulding” on you? One should I will let go of:_____________________________________________________________

Wants Wants are internally prompted and those things that are important and fulfilling to you based on craving or desire. Wants support your values and who you are. Wants create quality of life. They are natural. They provide gratification. For example, you don’t need to exercise, but your quality of life plummets when you don’t exercise. Wants can be motivating. Think... "It is so me!" "I will enjoy this!" "I'm ready to have this!" Wants are full of life and can be fun! I want_______________________________________________________________________________

Needs Personal Needs Vs Physical Needs Personal needs are emotional, physical, mental, spiritual and environmental things you need to be your best. They things like respect, accomplish, to be acknowledged or love of learning. When personal needs are met – they let you be yourself in the best possible way. Physical needs are like survival needs – food, shelter and (to a degree) love. Physical needs keep you alive. No one needs a spacious home, car, computer, or cell phone. But for many they are strong wants. Clarification between what you want, think you need, and what you think you should want or need is critical for achieving balance. A definition of balance could be achieving what you want in each area of your life. I need________________________________________________________________________________

“The first step in having a happy life is deciding what you want not what you should want.” Chere Bork

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Saying NO Can Mean Saying YES

“No" is sometimes difficult to say because you have been taught differently. You have been taught to say, "yes", to please, to serve, and to accommodate. There is nothing wrong with saying "yes", but occasionally there is a line you choose not to cross, when saying "yes" is really not the best use of your time and energy. If you had unlimited amounts of time, you could "yes" all the time to everyone. But you don't. You have 24 hours each day, 7 days a week for a total of 168 hours. You only get to spend that time once, so spend it wisely. Ways to say "no" If you are ever in a position when you can never say "no", then you are always saying "yes", and like the song says, "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for everything". "I'm sorry. That's not a priority for me right now." "I can't help you on this now, but I can get to it next week. Would that be okay?" "Before I take this on for you, let me show you a few things so that you might be able to do it yourself." "I'm sure you'll understand it's for a good reason when I say no." "Before I take this over from you, what do you think we ought to do about it?" "No." "Thanks for thinking to ask me, but, no thanks." "I would like to help you out on this but you understand I don't have the resources available to do the right job for you." "Now that's the type of thing I would love to help you on if only I had the time." "Just like you, I get overloaded sometimes and have to tell some very special people, "no". This is one of those times." And remember as you speak, smile. Use the broken record technique - an idea from Manuel J. Smith's classic book, "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty." No matter how the other person responds, you just keep repeating your statement in a neutral, low-key tone. Say No, Say No Again, and Say it Again!!

Say "no" three times a day - Practice saying no three times a day in situations where you normally would not. Jot down the 2 hardest people you want to say NO to. 1.

2.

“When you say NO to others, you say YES to yourself!” Chere Bork

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Welcome to TASTE LIFE!! I invite you to Taste Life! Life is easy and we make it hard. Let's turn that around. I'd love to send you regular inspiration to help you boost your productivity, energy and enthusiasm for life! Subscribe by going to cherebork.com and requesting my free guide, "5 Steps to Attract What YOU Want in Your Life.

Three Secrets to Start Being Happy Today! Are you happy today? Oh, you’re waiting for happiness tomorrow…when you get your work project done, or get the raise you deserve, or when your spouse loves more (or at least appreciates you). In general, how happy would you say you are on a scale of 1 “not happy” to 10 “wonderfully happy”? Happiness is your choice. Every day, you wake up and you create your happiness. And, we all think we have an infinite supply of happy days ahead of us. My Grandma and Grandpa Meyer lived into their nineties. So, I am optimistic I will live to be 90 too.

I bet Judge Jean Davies planned on living forever just like me. She only got 55 years and 116 days. Gary and I went to her funeral last week Saturday. Jean was the first nice person to us when we moved to Chaska twenty years ago. As Frank Sisser eloquently stated in her eulogy, “Don’t cry because her life is over; smile because her life happened.” And boy, did it happen. Jean discovered THE secret to happiness. Waking up and having purpose. She loved her life fully as a judge, wife and mom and sock collector. Everyone loved her. I heard many people at her funeral say, “If I had one person who admired me so much at my funeral my life would be a success.”

Jean and the happiest people I know all share the same three secrets to being happy.

One, know your purpose. Know who you are and your strengths. Know what inspires you, and gives you joy. Identify the purpose that gets you to jump out of bed in the morning. Two, appreciate what you have. Everyday many gifts pop into your life; stop and appreciate them. Once you start to appreciate the goodness in your life you will find even more gifts to appreciate. Maybe you are missing them because you are not even looking for them? Three, give your gifts freely. I guarantee you will find joy and fulfillment in helping others. Give love. Feel love. When you love yourself, life will love you back and could you get happier than that? And you will be done waiting for happiness.

Since 1999 I have had a hard time describing what transpires during a coaching session. Coaching is an experiential process as well as an intellectual one. Talking about coaching isn’t the same thing as being coached. Call me at 952.937.5697 or email me at chere@cherebork.com to reserve your complimentary, no obligation, 30-minute Coaching Session. If you are ready to take action towards obtaining the life you really want this is your first step. Experience coaching first hand and create an action plan that will help you move forward with your goals and dreams. I guarantee one tip, tool, question or strategy that will give you more energy, balance, purpose, or happiness.

ChereCoach Question That Could Change Your Life

Who do I need to let go of today so I have the time or energy to get what I really REALLY want?

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“Purposeful living is when you are in your dream AWAKE!” - Chere

Ready to UP Your Energy? Call Chere, the Energy Igniter!

• Are you 90% happy with your current job? Your current life?

• Do you greet each day with limitless energy?

• Do you feel as though you have ample time for your career, family and self-care? If the answer to any of the above is “no,” then I can help. If you’re done saying “I’ll work on that tomorrow…” and if you’re ready to take charge and be happy, starting NOW, I can help. I’m Chere Bork, MS, RDN, and since 2000 I have coached hundreds of dietitians and wellness professionals helping them to ignite their lives! I help you take small steps toward living the life of your dreams. The way to predict your future it to create it, and now is the time. Be done waiting to be happy! I believe that coaching is about the whole person – we’ll address career, home, health and life balance. What you’ll receive:

• Tools, resources and accountability. I serve as your sounding board who believes in you 150%

• You will be asked thought-provoking questions that will help reveal new perspectives

• Discussions about successes, goals, values, passions and obstacles that get in your way

• Creation of a plan of action so that you are armed and ready to reclaim your energy

• You will be heard, supported, challenged and celebrated! One-on-One Life Happiness Coaching via Phone

• Two sessions, 45 minutes each for $400.00 (Value $500.00)

• One 60 minute “Positivity/Productivity 90 Day Plan” Coaching Session for $125.00 (Value $300.00) Testimonials “Chere…has an inexhaustible, positive, and upbeat energy that exudes from her…at the end of each call, I was

left with this rational and happy attitude that gave me focus for my next set of actions to apply toward my goals. Chere is a treasure…” –Dori

“Chere's energy literally grabbed me and shook me awake over the phone

before I even scheduled my first session!” – Kate

“You make me feel like I’ve walked on the moon and created sliced bread on the same morning with time in the afternoon to create more new stuff.” – Julie

Call me today to get started at 952-937-5697 Email me: chere@cherebork.com Visit my website and sign up for my Taste Life Monthly Ezine & Abundant Monday: www.cherebork.com