BoulderMattersVolume 12, No. 1 • Spring 2012Boulder Matters is published quarterly by Jewish Family Serviceof Colorado, 3201 S. Tamarac Dr., Denver CO 80231

Boulder Jewish Family Service (JFS) provided a record number of Hanukkah celebrations at seven senior facilities in Boulder County in December. We

couldn’t have accomplished this without the help of many dedicated volunteers! Thank you to the following people who led programs at the senior facilities: Rabbi Marc Soloway with the Bonai Shalom Hebrew School, Patrice Spitz, Rabbi Ori Har, Rabbi Josh Rose, Rabbi Ruth Gelfarb (who just moved here from Chicago), Joe Lukasik, and Phil Rubenstein from the Boulder JCC. We also appreciate all the staff members at the facilities who took care of all the logistics so that our celebrations could come together flawlessly. A big thank-you to Rich Buchman who took time off work again this year to make delicious latkes for everyone! Thank you to the students of Congregation Bonai Shalom for their participation at Golden West, including their flash mob dance for the residents! Everyone truly brightened the holiday for these seniors, many of whom don’t have family nearby to celebrate the holidays with. l

Thank You to Boulder Community for Making Hanukkah Bright for Seniors

Volunteers Needed for Passover

Boulder JFS leads Passover Seders at several retirement communities in town and needs volunteers to lend a hand and visit with residents the week of April 9. This is a great opportunity for families! Information or to volunteer: Ingrid Swords, 303.415.1025 or iswords@jewishfamilyservice.org.

Bonai Shalom religious school students perform Hanukkah flash mob at Golden West.

Lisa Webber and her children, Zeke and Iris, volunteer at Frasier Meadows.

Rabbi Rose leads a service at Boulder Meridian.

The “latke king,” Rich Buchman, at Golden West.

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A Participant’s Story by Don Koplen

A few months after my Dad’s death a friend carefully mentioned to me that I seemed

unusually easy to rile, to anger, even depressive. He suggested therapy. I had witnessed my wife’s two-year struggle with the effects of her parents’ passing and I began to suspect and fear that my own symptoms

were due to my unexamined grief. That’s when I saw the ad in the Daily Camera for a hospice-related Jewish grief group. Whether or not you believe in serendipity, it seemed that way to me. Still, I struggled with believing that grief counseling wasn’t just psychobabble. After years living in sophis-ticated Boulder and my own credentials as

a psychotherapist, I assumed that I was prepared for, and even above, all the suffering that I’d seen many go through at the passing of a parent. That seems pretty clueless now.

I needed something to help me deal with my unexpected reactions to my father’s death: a feeling of strangeness, of walking through tar or thick air, a slight lessening of energy, a difficulty getting work done efficiently, trouble concentrating, and getting through a normal day without feeling exhausted. Turns out, during the grieving process, the things that seem minor, unimportant, or superficial, really aren’t. As I learned in a grief group run by Jewish Family Service and HospiceCare, mourning is often full of self-doubt and guilt. Could I have said, done, or listened more? Am I crazy or is it part of the process? I know I’m normally neurotic, but I feel even more so since Dad passed. Is grieving simply an inflation of whatever struggles one normally deals with? Eventually, through the group, I realized that grief can ambush the most sophisticated, learned, and aware of us. I learned that it was important for me to respect my feelings, however crazy or strange they seemed. I learned that one’s reactions to death seldom travel a logical, straight-line path. This group allowed me to feel the hurt and sadness at Dad’s death, to cry unabashedly, and to forgive myself for not being strong or logical in response to my grief. At the final group meeting, we were all surprised at how close we felt with one another, and at how helpful the group had been. But were we “cured”? As we all learned, there is no pure and simple cure for grief. There is no right or wrong way to deal with it. We all suffer through it in similar and very different ways. It’s a process. The pain and symptoms, given time, will at least ease. Grief is a scar on one’s soul that will never fully go away. It is a place that we can visit when we need to without permission, shame, or embarrassment. I can cry and wish my father was still here.

A Facilitator Perspective by Barbara Gould

At last year’s Passover Yizkor service, a small group of congregants stood together and talked and

I knew they were speaking a private language; it was the language of grief, of mourning. It was there that I overheard one woman talking to others who had lost spouses in the past year. “My friends are being very

Oh Good Grief! Perspectives on Grieving

A LitanyWritten by Five Participants of 2011 Jewish Grief Group

Death isFinal!!

InevitableUnbelievable and unreal

It is HARD, sad, cold and lonelyThe white elephant in the room

Death is what separates you from me

Grief isCrazy and blemishedLong, sad and dark

An S.O.B. It’s a bastard!Grief is like a heavy blanket that smothers me

It takes up the space in our lives--whether we want it or notGrief is my constant companion

A hole in my lifeA solid wall

Falling, falling in a pitGrief is a long tunnel

Is there light at the end?

“Grief can ambush the most sophisticated, learned, and aware of us.”

continued on page 4

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For those of you unfamiliar with JFS at Home, it is the non-medical home care division of Jewish

Family Service. Whether you’re an older adult aging in place, an individual with a chronic illness or recovering from surgery, or you have a disability, JFS at Home caregivers are here to help. JFS at Home services vary from personal care (bathing, medication reminders, serving meals, and assisting with eating) to relief from chores (light housekeeping, laundry, light meal preparation, running errands, transportation, and caregiver relief ). We spoke to two of our JFS at Home caregivers to hear what they had to say about their work. Debbie Estrada, a Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) for 10 years, has been with JFS at Home for a year. She worked in a nursing home for five years and thoroughly enjoyed her role as a caregiver. After taking some time off to raise her daughter, she wanted to return to her work as a CNA. Rather than returning to the nursing home environment, Debbie chose to work one-on-one after caring for her father when he was seriously ill. She found that experience especially rewarding. One of the joys of her work at JFS at Home is knowing that she is caring for people just as if they were members of her own family. “I give family members peace of mind, knowing that their loved one is getting the best care possible,” she says. “I enjoy it when I can make people happy, and make them feel that they’re not a burden. It gives them dignity. When I help a person after surgery, it’s rewarding to see their progress.” She adds, “I love the one-on-one interaction and having a more personal relationship with the client.” In her free time, Debbie enjoys reading and spending time with her family. Kathryn Reisig has been with JFS at Home since July and has always enjoyed helping people and taking the initiative to solve problems. She and her

mom first noticed this skill when she was a teen and they were in a restaurant when suddenly the

power went out due to a blizzard. Instead of waiting for someone else to deal with it, Kathryn jumped in and started problem solving. “I’ve always had a knack for service work, whether it is in hospice, respite care, or working with children with special needs,” she says. “I like being part of people’s lives and having a relationship that is trusting and respectful. I adore my current client and would want to stay in touch with her even if she didn’t need a caregiver anymore. It’s really a friendship. I feel respected, not as if I’m expendable. When I leave for the day, I have a sense of satisfaction, knowing that she is safe, has taken her medication, the dishes are washed, and nothing is left unsaid.” When Kathryn is not with a client, she enjoys her cat, who seems to enjoy “singing” in the car. She values her time with her friends and boyfriend, and practices meditation. In addition to her role as a caregiver, Kathryn is a Marriage, Family, and Child Counselor (MFCC). They are what matter to us. l

—Ingrid and Cathy

For more information about JFS at Home, please contact Doreen Osborne at 303.750.4000 or visit www.jfsathome.com

What Matters to Cathy and Ingrid? Our JFS at Home Caregivers

Debbie Estrada

Kathryn Reisig

Ingrid Swords and Cathy Summer can be reached at 303.415.1025, or by email at iswords@jewishfamilyservice.org and csummer@jewishfamilyservice.org. We’d love to know what matters to you!

Tzedakah Thanks

Boulder JFS would like to thank Ignite Chanukah for their generous donation. This donation will go directly to our safety net fund, which offers financial assistance to Jewish people in the Boulder area who are in need of help in order to make their rent or utility payments.

“I like being part of people’s lives and having a relationship that is trusting and respectful.”—Kathryn Reisig

JFS at Home, Boulder JFS, and the Boulder JCC hosted the first Active Minds presentation at the JCC on

January 26. The goal of Active Minds is to provide dynamic, knowledgeable speakers and presenters for seniors, and the program got off to a great start. Presenter Kim Sheffield gave a fascinating talk on the impact of Egypt, covering its recent political unrest. The presentation started with a brief history lesson and ended with a lively discussion. Join JFS for a continuing series of Active Minds presenta-tions on the fourth Thursday of every month from 10:30 a.m. to noon at the Boulder JCC. Active Minds’ mission is to

expand lives and minds by providing outstanding educational programs throughout Denver and Boulder. Check the events calendar at www.jewishfamilyservice.org for details. l

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loving,” she said, “but how can I have the words to explain to them what I need when I don’t even know? I don’t know what’s normal. I don’t know how to do this.” There was no need to explain or elaborate. It was also no mistake that this discussion took place in a Jewish setting because the other common language they spoke was one that comes from a shared heritage and cultural understanding. In our bustling and vibrant Boulder Jewish community, we hope that we provide a safe and comforting home for those

who are grieving. We know that grief is both personal and universal, individual in its scope, but with commonalities in its wide range. We know there are

many ways to express and observe one’s Judaism. There is no “one size fits all” in our little corner of the universe. Yet, there is a place where those who are grieving can come together to support each other, work through and understand the scope of their grief, and find safety to discuss those things that are difficult to explain. That place is the Jewish grief group offered by Jewish Family Service and HospiceCare of Boulder and Broomfield Counties on Tuesdays, April 3-May 22, 4:00-6:00 p.m., at the Boulder JCC. Call 303.604.5300 for more information and to reserve your spot. Maybe this group could be there for you, or perhaps you have a friend who would benefit from being with others during a difficult time. l

“Grief is both personal and universal.”

Donate Now

Please join the chain reaction of good by making a donation to Boulder JFS! It’s easy: Simply include a check or credit card information in the enclosed envelope, or make an online donation at www.jewishfamilyservice.org/donate.

Perspectives on Grieving continued from page 2

Attend Our Monthly “Active Minds” Events