Spiritual Abuse Survivors Handbook · ethnic or national origin), religion or belief, sex (gender)...

copyReplenished CIC 2019

Spiritual Abuse Survivors Handbook


Foreword First of all welcome to the Spiritual Abuse Survivors Handbook It is likely that you have accessed this handbook for one of three reasons

bull You have experienced Spiritual Abuse coercive control in a religious setting bull You are supporting a family member who has experienced Spiritual Abuse bull You are supporting someone professionally who has experienced Spiritual Abuse

The aim of this handbook is to give you as much information as possible to help you understand what has been experienced how it may impact on you (or the person you are supporting) and to empower you (or the person you are supporting) to take steps on your (their) journey to lessen the impact

Whilst this handbook is written from the perspective of those who have experienced spiritual abuse it is important that we understand that no personrsquos experience or the impact of that experience is going to be the same Each personrsquos response to their experience is also going to differ We have therefore drawn on a wide range of experiences faiths and cultural backgrounds We have also drawn on messages from research around experience impact and the journey to lessen the impact of spiritual abuse

This handbook will be kept under regular review as we become aware of further experiences of spiritual abuse further research messages feedback from users of this handbook and as we learn from our experiences of supporting those who have experienced spiritual abuse Thank you in advance for your patience as this resource develops

If you need further advice and support or just want to share your experiences then please phone the Replenished support line The support line is for individuals and is independent of any faith or denomination The support line is confidential however there may be a need to share information with those that need to know if there is a safeguarding concern evidence of others being at risk of harm a crime being committed or a risk to life

We hope that you will find this handbook helpful as a starting point and as a point of reference on your journey

A Is it Spiritual Abuse 1 What is Spiritual Abuse Spiritual abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse It is characterised by a systematic pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour in a religious context Spiritual abuse can have a deeply damaging impact on those who experience it However holding a theological position is not in itself inherently spiritually abusive but misuse of scripture applied theology and doctrine is often a component of spiritually abusive behaviour (L Oakley 2017)1 The term Spiritual Abuse can be contentious and therefore must be carefully qualified For the sake of brevity we will use the term ldquoSpiritual Abuserdquo in place of the wider term and the meaning will include Coercive Control in a Religious Setting from this point forward

Replenished recognise that the vast majority of faith-based organisations operate in a healthy way and that Spiritual Abuse is not present within their organisation Faith Based organisations when operating with a healthy culture provide a vital service to their communities

1 httpsthirtyoneeightorgmedia2191spiritual-abuse-position-statementpdf


2 Recognising Spiritual Abuse It is helpful to build on the definition above by exploring key characteristics of Spiritual Abuse

Key Characteristics bull Use of scripture to coerce and control bull Enforced Accountability bull Manipulation and Exploitation bull Pressure to Conform bull Censorship bull Requirement for blind obedience bull Use of lsquodivine callingrsquo to coerce bull Exclusion and Isolation bull Public Shaming and humiliation

It is important to state that these would be seen within a pattern of behaviours

3 How common is spiritual abuse This is a difficult question to answer as there have been no research studies in the UK to base an answer on around prevalence We can therefore only answer this question from our experience of supporting those who have experienced Spiritual Abuse and the increasing media coverage

Evidence from 16 months of Support line calls that 40 callers have reported spiritual abuse For each of these callers we are aware that there are others in that organisation that will also have experienced Spiritual Abuse As awareness is raised of the Replenished support line we expect to be able to give a more accurate picture of the prevalence of Spiritual Abuse

What is clear is that there is an increasing awareness in the media and every week there is a media story around Spiritual Abuse

What we can categorically say on this matter is that Spiritual Abuse is experienced in all faiths by members of faith based organisations and at all levels of leadership If you have experienced Spiritual Abuse then you are not on your own there are people out there who understand and can provide support If you need support then please ring Replenished Support line

4 Who can experience Spiritual Abuse Research undertaken by CCPAS (now thirtyoneeight) and Bournemouth University ldquoUnderstanding spiritual abuse in the Christian Communityrdquo clearly demonstrates that Spiritual Abuse can be experienced by those in positions of leadership those in positions of parallel leadership and those in lower power positions as well as members of congregations and organisations Spiritual Abuse can be experienced by individuals and groups Anyone of any faith religion or belief age disability gender (including all gender identities) sexual orientation or race can experience Spiritual Abuse Spiritual Abuse can cause a loss of faith and therefore people of no faith can live with the impact of past spiritual abuse The services offered by Replenished are therefore open to those of any faith or of no faith Any services will be offered equally to everyone regardless of age disability gender reassignment marriage and civil partnership pregnancy and maternity race (including colour nationality and ethnic or national origin) religion or belief sex (gender) and sexual orientation

Replenished does not hold a theological position on any of the above issues other than that everyone should be nurtured valued and respected regardless of any of the above characteristics


5 Have I experienced spiritual abuse If you have read the definition and the key characteristics of Spiritual Abuse and this has been a pattern of behaviour towards you then it is likely that you have experienced Spiritual Abuse and need some support If you are still uncertain then please phone the support line and we will be happy to discuss this further

B The Impact of Spiritual Abuse Replenished are clear that the impact of spiritual abuse is significant and long term This summary has been developed from the research around Spiritual Abuse of Lisa Oakley Kathryn Kinmond and Justin Humphreys and the experiences of Survivors of Spiritual Abuse that we have been in contact with Research messages and survivors experiences will continue to be used to develop best practice in supporting advising and advocating for survivors of spiritual abuse

1 What impact can spiritual abuse have on health wellbeing and faith Both adults and children who have experienced abuse in whatever form will often be profoundly affected by it It is difficult to adequately describe the depth of feeling associated with such an experience but it may well result in questions at both a spiritual and personal level If there is a spiritual aspect to that abuse then this depth of feeling and the level of profound impact is magnified

Whilst each situation is unique the following aspects can be experienced to a greater or lesser degree

Basic Needs An experience of spiritual abuse may lead to financial difficulties through loss of employment leaving a community being unaware of or having difficulties accessing the welfare system having to leave the family home or simply not having the support network around you that you had before

Where the experience of financial abuse or fraud is part of the spiritual abuse this can lead to debt and further financial difficulties

Safety When you experience a traumatic event your bodyrsquos defences take effect and create a stress response which may make you feel a variety of physical symptoms behave differently and experience more intense emotions This fight or flight response where your body produces chemicals which prepare your body for an emergency can lead to symptoms such as

bull raised blood pressure bull increased heart rate bull increased sweating bull reduced stomach activity (loss of appetite)

This is normal as itrsquos your bodyrsquos evolutionary way of responding to an emergency making it easier for you to fight or run away


Directly after the event people may also experience shock and denial This can give way over several hours or days to a range of other feelings such as sadness anger and guilt Many people feel better and recover gradually

However if these feelings persist or if the trauma is repeated or severe they can lead to more serious mental health problems such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression

People experiencing PTSD can feel anxious for years after the trauma whether or not they were physically injured

Common symptoms of PTSD include re-experiencing the event in nightmares or flashbacks avoiding things or places associated with the event panic attacks sleep disturbance and poor concentration Depression emotional numbing drug or alcohol misuse and anger can also be common2 Trauma can hit even the strongest among us with great force Of course physical traumas and injuries are usually visually measureable and can lead to trauma-related physical pain but emotional trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can also have a profound effect on the human body Emotional trauma can cause long-lasting brain changes that may lead to addiction depression and a host of other concerns that can devastate lives if left untreated When traumatic events occur it can take a significant amount of time to get over the memories the emotions and the feeling of just not being able to feel safe3

It is really important that you seek an assessment from a qualified medical professional if you are experiencing any of the above symptoms so you can get the necessary help The symptoms of trauma can manifest both physically and mentally The mind is after all part of the body Our brain can impact our response to pain our ability to heal and our ability to feel rested and refreshed Issues like depression or anxiety may prevent us from eating healthy meals or keeping healthy schedules4

Physical health It is important here to state that individual experience and response to the experience varies widely We are not in anyway saying that everyone who has experienced Spiritual Abuse will have physical health issues however for many survivors of trauma this is part of their experience People who have experienced traumatic events have higher rates than the general population of a wide range of serious and life-threatening illnesses including cardiovascular disease diabetes gastrointestinal disorders and cancer

Researchers have discovered that traumatic events dysregulate the adrenal and sympathetic nervous systems More recently research from the field of psychoneuroimmunology (PNI) suggests that traumatic life events can lead to health problems through dysregulation of another key system the inflammatory response Prior trauma ldquoprimesrdquo the inflammatory response system so that it reacts more rapidly to subsequent life stressors Elevated inflammation has a causal role in many chronic illnesses Recent studies also suggest some interventions that can supplement traditional trauma treatment These treatments include long-chain omega-3 fatty

2 httpswwwmentalhealthorgukpublicationsimpact-traumatic-events-mental-health accessed 322020 3 wwwdualdiagnosisorgmental-health-and-addictionpost-traumatic-stress-disorder-and-addictionhow-trauma-affects-the-human-body accessed 322020 4 As above


acids exercise and sleep interventions Each of these interventions lessens inflammation which will likely halt the progression to chronic disease for some trauma survivors5

It is really important that you seek an assessment from a qualified medical professional if you are experiencing any of the above symptoms or need medical advice so you can get the necessary help

Fear Common Responses to any experience of abuse are feeling powerless and afraid This is also the case after experiencing coercive control and spiritual abuse Fear can be felt in dealing with people of authority which can include religious leaders police social services and health professionals such as GPs and consultants

Impact of leaving community family relationships job roles and volunteer roles Isolation on leaving a coercive and controlling situation is also common Having left what is often a close knit community means a loss of a support and friendship network Where employment has been within the organisation that has been left then there can also be the loss of work colleagues

There is a continuum of impacts on family relationships and everyonersquos experience will be different Leaving a faith organisation or community can have an impact on family relationships This can range from resentment to guilt for the impact that leaving the organisation has on others

The realisation of the impact of remaining in a situation where spiritual abuse was experienced can lead to feelings of guilt or resentment for the impact that spiritual abuse has had on all those in the family In extreme situations one partner in the marriage or extended family can remain in the organisation This can cause strain and tension in relationships between all members of the family Where members of the family have been involved with the spiritual abuse being perpetrated this can be particularly difficult

Where only one partner in the marriage has experienced or recognised spiritual abuse then this can impact on marriage Where one partner wishes to leave the organisation and the other doesnrsquot this will inevitably cause tension in the relationship Where there are strains caused by the impact of spiritual abuse this can add to and accentuate existing strains and tensions In particular the impact of financial issues as a result of loss of role career or community along with the potential financial cost of moving can add considerable strain to a marriage Survivors find it difficult to trust others and can be unsure of who is trustworthy especially in a faith based setting This loss of trust makes Pastoral care or counselling challenging It can also make it difficult for people to attend or stay at a new church

This loss of trust can lead to difficulties in forming new friendships This is especially the case where house moves have been regular The pain of losing friendships and community can lead to hesitance in developing new friendships or settling in a new community This increases the isolation felt by many who have experienced spiritual abuse

A common theme in the experiences of those who have experienced spiritual abuse is a loss of belonging This loss of belonging goes beyond loss of community and those that have experienced spiritual abuse talk of not fitting into the secular world due to their faith but not fitting into the faith world fully due to their experience This loss of belonging also incorporates the experience of isolation loss of community family relationships and friendships

5Kathleen Kendall-Tackett (2009) Psychological Trauma and Physical Health A Psychoneuroimmunology Approach to Etiology of Negative Health Effects and Possible Interventions Psychological Trauma Theory Research Practice and Policy 2009 Vol 1 No 1 35ndash 48copy 2009 American Psychological Association


Many people are working through their experience of spiritual abuse alone with little support in the UK Replenished hope that the support line and website along with the Facebook page will contribute to an increase in support in this area

Esteem Many people feel angry about what has happened especially how God and faith have been used in their experience Others will blame themselves for not noticing earlier what was really happening or for the way the perpetrator treated others People can also blame themselves and feel regret regarding the way they were coerced to treat others A confusing mix of these feelings can be experienced and these can change day by day This can impact on emotional health It is common for survivors of Spiritual Abuse to question their perception of the experience and to revisit their experience often

Self-esteem and self-confidence can be affected particularly where spiritual abuse has been long term and persistent Characteristics of Spiritual Abuse such as public humiliation along with loss of identity loss of reputation loss of respect within community loss of dignity and value can all impact on self-esteem and self-confidence

Impact on Faith Spiritual Abuse can have an impact on faith and ultimately a loss of faith For many people their faith is central to who they are A damaging experience involving their faith often impacts their sense of what they believe and who they are A loss of your role in your faith or faith based organisation can be experienced Where a career is linked to their faith this can lead to a loss of career Again this may impact upon how they see themselves This can lead to a loss of purpose and add to a feeling of not belonging A loss of community and support network can also affect how they see themselves

Long Term Impact It is important to note that for a majority of those who experience spiritual abuse the impact of their experience is long term It is important to recognise that the road to recovery or living with your experience better is often not a straight road from A to B This road varies from being a straight road to a winding and often rocky road over time The road may loop back on itself a number of times There may be certain triggers experiences and life events that can cause you to take a few steps backwards At Replenished we hope to create a long term safe place for you to return to for support whatever stage of the journey you are on

The impact of Covid19 Lockdown and other factors associated with the current climate We have seen an increase in demand due to the current situation around Covid19 for a number of reasons This has been highlighted through research and from the voice of those that we support Social Distancing Isolation Our experience at Replenished is that those who have experienced abuse and trauma in a spiritual setting feel more isolated that the general population A study undertaken by White and Van der Boor found that greater anxiety and depression were experienced by those who self-isolated before the lockdown There is an increased prevalence of mental health issues lower wellbeing and poorer emotional health in the community that we support Issues such as anxiety depression and PTSD are common in the majority of those that we speak to There has also been a clear link between poor mental health and wellbeing and physical health seen in those


that we have supported Fibromyalgia Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and other autoimmune diseases are common in those who we have supported All these issues are compounded from a reduction of support in the current climate either professional support or the support of families and friends Anxiety and depression has been compounded by social distancing and isolation media coverage and the authoritarian and controlled environment that has been necessary at this time When you have been through an experience of coercion and control often in an extreme situation then the current authoritarian and controlling environment can cause triggers that increase anxiety and discussion Many of us feel that we have little control over the current situation and this is heightened where your previous experience of a lack of control has been associated with abuse and trauma There is also an impact on mental health wellbeing and emotional health from Media coverage and social media of Covid19 Social Distancing the economy and the relentless reporting of deaths I am sure we can all relate to these feeling but these are likely to be magnified for those who have experienced for a number of reasons Many have left faith organisations in very difficult situations often with the threat of divine judgements such as if you leave the organisation then God will strike you down or you will not be blessed or things will go wrong for your family These messages that have been repeatedly given throughout their experience are ingrained in the psyche and at this time of pandemic are proving to be a great sense of fear The conspiracy theories related to end times prophecy are also feeding the anxiety and fear End times theology can be a common feature of those who have experienced abuse and trauma as a means of control and coercion This combined with the fear mongering of new world orders and end times conspiracy theories can be a toxic and damaging combination

C Responding Well 1 How do I respond well if I have been hurt but it isnt spiritual abuse If you want to double check that it isnrsquot Spiritual Abuse please do phone the support line to discuss your experience The first point here that it is ok to feel hurt by someone elsersquos actions or behaviour but in the long term it is not healthy to stay hurt We would advise that you explain the impact of someonersquos behaviour or actions to the person who has hurt you using a mediator if necessary Leadership in your organisations should be able to help you within the processes available in your faith

This should only be done if you feel safe and where there is no criminal offence or safeguarding issues 2 Treating ourselves kindly self-care and self-compassion It is vital that we see our journey to recovery from our experiences as not being one direction of travel As survivors of spiritual abuse we have good days and not so good days At times we can take two steps forward and one step back As a good friend of ours often says this is not going backwards this is just doing the cha cha cha There will be times when we will go round in circles and revisit bits of our recovery journey and this is all ok The dance still goes on whether it is the two steps forward one step back of the cha cha cha or the circular motion of the waltz We do tend to be our own worse critics and can be particularly harsh on ourselves whilst we are recovering Learning to be kinder to ourselves is all part of the journey Here are some useful


questions to ask yourself if you are being overly self-critical or not being as kind to yourself as you should be

bull Would I say that out loud to another person bull What would I say instead bull If a friend had been through what I have been through what advice would I give them

Developing Self Compassion Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others Think about what the experience of compassion feels like

First to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering If you ignore that homeless person on the street you canrsquot feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is Second compassion involves feeling moved by othersrsquo suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to ldquosuffer withrdquo) When this occurs you feel warmth caring and the desire to help the suffering person in some way Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes rather than judging them harshly

Finally when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity) it means that you realize that suffering failure and imperfection is part of the shared human experience ldquoThere but for fortune go Irdquo Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time fail or notice something you donrsquot like about yourself Instead of just ignoring your pain with a ldquostiff upper liprdquo mentality you stop to tell yourself ldquothis is really difficult right nowrdquo how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings ndash after all who ever said you were supposed to be perfect You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy but this is done because you care about yourself not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are Perhaps most importantly having compassion for yourself means that you honour and accept your humanness Things will not always go the way you want them to You will encounter frustrations losses will occur you will make mistakes bump up against your limitations fall short of your ideals This is the human condition a reality shared by all of us The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life

Below are the three elements of self-compassion Self-kindness vs Self-judgment Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer fail or feel inadequate rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect failing and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals People cannot always be or get exactly what they want When this reality is denied or fought against suffering increases in the form of stress frustration and self-criticism When this reality is accepted with sympathy and kindness greater emotional equanimity is experienced Common humanity vs Isolation Frustration at not having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation ndash as if ldquoIrdquo were the only person suffering or making mistakes All


humans suffer however The very definition of being ldquohumanrdquo means that one is mortal vulnerable and imperfect Therefore self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience ndash something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to ldquomerdquo alone Mindfulness vs Over-identification Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated This equilibrated stance stems from the process of relating personal experiences to those of others who are also suffering thus putting our own situation into a larger perspective It also stems from the willingness to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity so that they are held in mindful awareness Mindfulness is a non-judgmental receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are without trying to suppress or deny them We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time At the same time mindfulness requires that we not be ldquoover-identifiedrdquo with thoughts and feelings so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity6 We will explore some exercises and ideas on how to develop a more compassionate response to yourself in the Self Care section at the end of this handbook

3 Beginning your Journey (or moving on from where you are) With these principles of self compassion in mind we can now discuss some of the first steps of the journey

The first step is recognising that this journey is yours and whilst others may advise and support you along the way that ownership and decision making around your journey remains with you

That step in itself can seem scary especially when you have experienced coercion and control and perhaps donrsquot have the confidence around your decision making because of your experience It is important that you remember to break the journey down into smaller steps and use those that understand to support you in that decision making Replenished support line can talk through your next steps but will always ensure that the journey and decision making is yours

It may be necessary to get some counselling or other therapeutic input to help you in your journey We would strongly advise that this support is from a qualified practitioner who understands the experience and impact of spiritual abuse The following websites are a useful starting point to finding a private counsellor Alternatively counselling can be accessed through your GP (there may be a waiting list)

bull Non Faith ndash British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy httpswwwbacpcouk

bull Christian ndash Association of Christian Counsellors httpswwwacc-ukorg bull Muslim ndash Muslim Counsellor and Psychotherapist Network

httpswwwmcapncoukcounselling-directory bull Jewish ndash Raphael Jewish Counselling httpswwwraphaeljewishcounsellingorg bull Buddhist ndash there are a number of Buddhist counsellors across the country which can be

found through an online search We would advise checking that they belong to a professional body or association as we would any counsellor or psychotherapist

6 httpsself-compassionorgthe-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2


bull Hindu ndash there are a number of Hindu counsellors across the country which can be found through an online search We would advise checking that they belong to a professional body or association as we would any counsellor or psychotherapist

bull Sikh ndash the Sikhyourmind appears to be a good source of advice regarding mental health issues in the Sikh community httpsikhyourmindcom

a) Where am I now Any journey must start from where we are As painful as it may be we need to understand what we are feeling and the impact of our experience before we can effectively make any change It is useful to check this question regularly

b) What do I want to change What are the priorities It is important to be able to prioritise here as there will be many things that you may wish to change It is important to be realistic about how much can be changed at once

c) Where is the destination I want to get to Setting goals It is isnrsquot necessary to do the whole journey in one go so set staged goals which are realistic What does the destination look like when the change has been made

d) What help do I need to reach the goals We all need help along lifersquos journey and it is no different on this journey Building a support network of people who understand is really important That support network can be friends family as well as professionals A common theme that we hear through the support line is that it is important to ensure that a support network also includes those who understand your experience and the impact of that experience e) What help can Replenished offer me Replenished are here for you whatever stage of the journey you are on We can offer a safe space to talk and discuss any of the above points to be a point of reference or just simply to listen whether you are a having a good day or finding things difficult We can provide advice support and a listening ear from a place of understanding f) Where else can I find support As previously mentioned counselling or therapy may be an important part of your journey It may however take a little time for you to be ready

There will be a wide variety of situations you may need help with As each individual journey is different we can discuss any extra support needed and sign post you to appropriate resources

4 How can I help my children and family It is likely that there will be people around you who are also travelling a similar journey This can add to the complexity of your journey as often others will be at different places at different time This can lead to conflicts of feelings and disagreements Disagreeing with someone is ok but we must ensure that we disagree well and maintain family relationships We need to understand that different people have had different experiences have different perspectives and that these will differ over time People will travel there journey at different speeds and may have to cover different ground and issues

Whether you are supporting children siblings or parents it is vital that you protect time for yourself and that you donrsquot neglect your own needs However from experience we know this is easier said than done


There are occasions where it will be necessary to put some boundaries in place It is important that all those who you are supporting get some external help or counselling as soon as they feel able

We are planning to develop a Spiritual Abuse Survivors supporterrsquos handbook in the near future and we are able to discuss how you can support others around you if you wish to ring the Replenished helpline If you become aware of a child that is at risk of harm then you need to seek some advice from childrenrsquos services in your local authority area and make a report if this necessary If you become aware of an adult who is at risk of harm then you should encourage empower and support them to seek appropriate services

5 How should an organisation respond What Survivors should expect in response

Thirtyoneeight have some useful information about understanding spiritual abuse and developing healthy cultures We would advise signposting any organisations to thirtyoneeight through the website wwwthirtyoneeightorg or there helpline 0303 003 11 11 during office hours or if it is an emergency that canrsquot wait until the next working day then there is an Out of Hours Service on this number

D Health and WellbeingSelf Care 1 Self Care ldquoSelf-care is daily nourishment that helps us to restore replenish and heal Central to self-care is the idea that taking care of yourself is not selfish it is essential to your health and wellbeingrdquo7 Self-care is a vital part of your journey as there is no getting away from the fact that at times your journey will be difficult and uncomfortable At these difficult and uncomfortable times we often donrsquot feel like doing self-care that self-care is most important We therefore have to be intentional and proactive in planning for these times Having a broad toolkit or a list of self-care activities that work for is really important Preparing by making sure that you have any materials that you may need a head of time is really important Understanding situations or experiences that may trigger anxiety difficult memories flashbacks or other responses from your experience is really important in planning and managing your emotional health and self-care

Qualified practitioners can work with you through a variety of methods to develop coping mechanisms for these responses or to deal with the experience you have been through It is important to access professional help with these aspects of emotional and mental health There are however self-care activities that you can do without professional help

ldquoPlease do not equate self-care with pampering it can be pampering but it is not limited to luxurious practices Sometimes a restorative act is just what you need in other moments the true act of self-care might be the last thing you actually feel like doing something that

7 Suzy Reading 2019 The little book of self-care 30 practices to soothe the body and mind Aster Octopus Publishing Group London


challenges you or requires you to step up like sitting to meditate when your mind is whirring or heading out for that jog when the sofa is callingrdquo8 A framework or set of categories can help bring self-care to life making it easy down an accessible soothing practice when we need it

Suzy Reading developed the Vitality Wheel and this is informed by Positive Psychology Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) mindfulness acceptance and commitment therapy amongst other things The Vitality Wheel shows you eight different ways in which you can nourish yourself and can be used to plan self-care activities that you enjoy or find useful This helps prevent confusion or indecision in the times when we need self-care but donrsquot feel like it

Some things that are useful in effective self-care

bull Print out a copy of the vitality wheel and fill in some activities that will be useful to you

bull Keep a self-care journal

bull Describe yourself when you are well nourished and are having a good day What does this facilitate in your life What does this allow you to be

bull Describe yourself when you are depleted empty or fatigued How does this affect your life and the people around you

bull What are the triggers or situations that deplete you (These will be times when self-care is really important)

bull Write out a few statements of why you personally want to commit to taking better care of yourself ndash for you and anyone your life touches

bull Keep a log of what has worked well and has met your self-care needs in different situations

bull Turn to your self-care journal on a regular basis and ask what do I need today Us the vitality wheel you have filled in and previous entries to help you



bull Put together a self-care box with all the things you might need

Self-care ideas

bull Take a gratitude walk ndash movement is great for lifting mood use a walk to count your blessings notice nature around you if you have time walk to somewhere that is special to you Notice the beauty of your surroundings Spending time in nature green areas and parks is linked to overall health benefits

bull Run a bubble bath with an essential oil to suit your mood bull Light a scented candle or wax melt bull Savouring Scent ndash notice scents throughout the day and how these make you feel

Think carefully here about what scents you use We are aware that some scents can be associated with memories and can therefore trigger anxiety or flashbacks Different scents have different effects a good starting point if you are interested in aromatherapy is wwwhealthlinecomhealthessential-oils-find-the-right-one-for-you

bull Make a vision board ndash pick an area of your life which you want to make changes in What does the vision look like Sift through magazines brochures photos and gather some ideas that inspire you Express yourself with a collage of colours images and words which speak to you Once complete pause to reflect What does your vision board say to you Does it bring some clarity around what is important to you What action steps will bring your vision closer to reality

bull Buy two bunches of flowers ndash one for yourself and one for someone else

bull Connect socially with others ndash Social Connection is so important and we are not talking social media but face to face contact with other people Be intentional about being present making eye contact smiling at others (even though you may not feel like it) and lookout for opportunities to show kindness and care to others

bull Breathing exercises ndash focussing or meditating on your breathing is a quick exercise to reduce stress and anxiety

bull Kindness Stones - use some smooth pebbles and permanent markers or waterproof paints and get creative Make the pebbles into characters qualities such as hope strength and peace or write affirmations that speak to you

bull Outer order Inner Harmony ndash The environment we live in has a tangible impact on our inner world Have a look around you and note what areas make you feel good and which deplete your energy What action can you take today This can be getting on top of lifersquos admin or simply tidying and decluttering an area

bull Be your own cheerleader ndash every time your inner critic pops up or you face a challenge be intentional on cheering yourself on Be supportive give yourself a kind word and think about your personal strengths

bull Give yourself permission ndash to stop and rest to put yourself first to have an early night to dream big and let the how come later to stand firm and honour my boundaries to speak my truth

bull Look up and take in the stars ndash when there is a clear night head out to a space away from artificial light and just sit and look up at the stars Print out a map of constellations and tick the ones you have seen Allow yourself time to be filled with awe and wonder at their beauty


And finally remember that self-care is not selfish Itrsquos not ldquome firstrdquo itrsquos ldquome as wellrdquo910

2 Healthy Eating for Emotional Health Whilst Tea Cake and Chocolate are the cornerstones of self-care we do need to include some other food groups in our diet

Knowing what foods we should and shouldnrsquot be eating can be really confusing especially when it feels like the advice changes regularly However evidence suggests that as well as affecting our physical health what we eat may also affect the way we feel

Improving your diet may help to

bull improve your mood bull give you more energy

bull help you think more clearly The following aspects of healthy eating are useful for mental health

bull Eating regularly

bull Staying Hydrated

bull Getting your 5 a day

bull Looking after your gut ndash fibre fluid and exercise (Healthy gut foods include fruits vegetables and wholegrains beans pulses live yoghurt and other probiotics)

bull Getting enough protein

bull Managing Caffeine

bull Eating the right fats Our brain needs fatty acids (such as omega-3 and -6) to keep it working well So rather than avoiding all fats itrsquos important to eat the right ones

bull Healthy fats are found in oily fish poultry nuts (especially walnuts and almonds) olive and sunflower oils seeds (such as sunflower and pumpkin) avocados milk yoghurt cheese and eggs11

If you are interested in reading further around this topic the Mental Health Foundation Food for Thought is a very useful report httpswwwmentalhealthorguksitesdefaultfilesfood-for-thought-mental-health-nutrition-briefing-march-2017pdf

We hope to add some emotional health recipes here in the near future

3 Resilience and avoiding future abusive situations A key part of your journey is to develop resilience and to be able to avoid abusive situations in the future For those who have experienced abusive communities or relationships it can be all too easy to walk into familiar communities and relationships that turn out to be equally as abusive It is useful to think about what healthy cultures and relationships look like

9 Suzy Reading 2019 The little book of self-care 30 practices to soothe the body and mind Aster Octopus Publishing Group London 10 Dr Rangan Chatterjee 2019 Feel Better in 5 Your Daily Plan to Feel Great for Life Penguin Random House UK 11 httpswwwmindorgukinformation-supporttips-for-everyday-livingfood-and-moodabout-food-and-mood


Healthy Cultures It is important that you understand how healthy the culture of the faith based organisation that you may be joining is However it is also worth remembering unhealthy cultures may not be initially apparent and can also develop over time There also needs to be a realism that no faith based organisation is going to be perfect but there a few useful pointers that it will have a healthy culture Leadership The ability of leaders to be able to self-reflect and self-regulate is a key requirement in understanding how power and authority are used in the day-to-day interactions with those around them such that they do not cause harm Evidence shows that a significant amount of spiritually abusive behaviour is not intentional but comes as a result of a failure to self-manage emotions attitudes and beliefs and their impact upon others in day-to-day interactions and relationships Healthy Culture We believe that healthy cultures demonstrate the following characteristics

bull Respects values and nurtures each person

bull Allows questions and calm disagreement

bull Guides and empowers through biblical teaching (or other faith teaching)

bull Guides behaviour but respects choices

bull Nurturing and nurtured leadership

bull Values lsquowhole lifersquo service

bull Healthy accountability

bull Models inclusion12 We would advise that you maintain independent relationships outside any faith based organisation so that you are able to discuss any concerns with someone independent If you wish to use Replenished to do this you will be very welcome Healthy Relationships Respect for both oneself and others is a key characteristic of healthy relationships In contrast in unhealthy relationships one partner tries to exert control and power over the other physically sexually andor emotionally

Healthy relationships share certain characteristics that everyone should be taught to expect They include

bull Mutual respect Respect means that each person values who the other is and understands the other personrsquos boundaries

12 Dr Lisa Oakley Justin Humphreys 2019 Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse Creating Healthy Christian Cultures SPCK Publishing


bull Trust Partners should place trust in each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt bull Honesty Honesty builds trust and strengthens the relationship

bull Compromise In a dating relationship each partner does not always get his or her way Each should acknowledge different points of view and be willing to give and take

bull Individuality Neither partner should have to compromise who heshe is and hisher identity should not be based on a partnerrsquos Each should continue seeing his or her friends and doing the things heshe loves Each should be supportive of hisher partner wanting to pursue new hobbies or make new friends

bull Good communication Each partner should speak honestly and openly to avoid miscommunication If one person needs to sort out his or her feelings first the other partner should respect those wishes and wait until he or she is ready to talk

bull Anger control We all get angry but how we express it can affect our relationships with others Anger can be handled in healthy ways such as taking a deep breath counting to ten or talking it out

bull Fighting fair Everyone argues at some point but those who are fair stick to the subject and avoid insults are more likely to come up with a possible solution Partners should take a short break away from each other if the discussion gets too heated

bull Problem solving Dating partners can learn to solve problems and identify new solutions by breaking a problem into small parts or by talking through the situation

bull Understanding Each partner should take time to understand what the other might be feeling

bull Self-confidence When dating partners have confidence in themselves it can help their relationships with others It shows that they are calm and comfortable enough to allow others to express their opinions without forcing their own opinions on them

bull Being a role model By embodying what respect means partners can inspire each other friends and family to also behave in a respectful way

bull Healthy sexual relationship Dating partners engage in a sexual relationship that both are comfortable with and neither partner feels pressured or forced to engage in sexual activity that is outside his or her comfort zone or without consent

Unhealthy relationships are marked by characteristics such as disrespect and control It is important for everyone to be able to recognise signs of unhealthy relationships before they escalate Some characteristics of unhealthy relationships include

bull Control One dating partner makes all the decisions and tells the other what to do what to wear or who to spend time with He or she is unreasonably jealous andor tries to isolate the other partner from his or her friends and family

bull Hostility One dating partner picks a fight with or antagonizes the other dating partner This may lead to one dating partner changing his or her behaviour in order to avoid upsetting the other

bull Dishonesty One dating partner lies to or keeps information from the other One dating partner steals from the other

bull Disrespect One dating partner makes fun of the opinions and interests of the other partner or destroys something that belongs to the partner

bull Dependence One dating partner feels that he or she ldquocannot live withoutrdquo the other He or she may threaten to do something drastic if the relationship ends


bull Intimidation One dating partner tries to control aspects of the others life by making the other partner fearful or timid One dating partner may attempt to keep his or her partner from friends and family or threaten violence or a break-up

bull Physical violence One partner uses force to get his or her way (such as hitting slapping grabbing or shoving)

bull Sexual violence One dating partner pressures or forces the other into sexual activity against his or her will or without consent13

Useful Links There are many useful links on the Replenished website At this time these links will be updated more regularly then they would be here End note We hope that this handbook will be a helpful guide on your journey that there will be opportunities to dance (not just the cha cha cha or the waltz) and that tea cake and chocolate will continue to be in abundant supply This is the second edition and we will regularly review the handbook to ensure that it remains relevant meets the needs of survivors and reflects are ever growing experience of working with survivors of spiritual abuse If you have any suggestions or feedback then we would love to hear from you If you do need further support then please feel free to contact Simon and Caroline on the support line by any means of communication you are comfortable with wwwreplenishedlife

simonandcarolinereplenishedlife

Replenished Support Line 07746 153 703

13 Adapted from httpsyouthgovyouth-topicsteen-dating-violencecharacteristics accessed 4th February 2020


Foreword

First of all welcome to the Spiritual Abuse Survivors Handbook

It is likely that you have accessed this handbook for one of three reasons

You have experienced Spiritual Abuse coercive control in a religious setting

You are supporting a family member who has experienced Spiritual Abuse

You are supporting someone professionally who has experienced Spiritual Abuse

The aim of this handbook is to give you as much information as possible to help you understand what has been experienced how it may impact on you (or the person you are supporting) and to empower you (or the person you are supporting) to take steps o

Whilst this handbook is written from the perspective of those who have experienced spiritual abuse it is important that we understand that no personrsquos experience or the impact of that experience is going to be the same Each personrsquos response to their

This handbook will be kept under regular review as we become aware of further experiences of spiritual abuse further research messages feedback from users of this handbook and as we learn from our experiences of supporting those who have experienced

If you need further advice and support or just want to share your experiences then please phone the Replenished support line The support line is for individuals and is independent of any faith or denomination The support line is confidential howeve


A Is it Spiritual Abuse

1 What is Spiritual Abuse

Spiritual abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse It is characterised by a systematic pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour in a religious context Spiritual abuse can have a deeply damaging impact on those who experience it How

The term Spiritual Abuse can be contentious and therefore must be carefully qualified For the sake of brevity we will use the term ldquoSpiritual Abuserdquo in place of the wider term and the meaning will include Coercive Control in a Religious Setting from

Replenished recognise that the vast majority of faith-based organisations operate in a healthy way and that Spiritual Abuse is not present within their organisation Faith Based organisations when operating with a healthy culture provide a vital servi

2 Recognising Spiritual Abuse

It is helpful to build on the definition above by exploring key characteristics of Spiritual Abuse

Key Characteristics


3 How common is spiritual abuse

This is a difficult question to answer as there have been no research studies in the UK to base an answer on around prevalence We can therefore only answer this question from our experience of supporting those who have experienced Spiritual Abuse and

Evidence from 16 months of Support line calls that 40 callers have reported spiritual abuse For each of these callers we are aware that there are others in that organisation that will also have experienced Spiritual Abuse As awareness is raised of t


What we can categorically say on this matter is that Spiritual Abuse is experienced in all faiths by members of faith based organisations and at all levels of leadership If you have experienced Spiritual Abuse then you are not on your own there are

4 Who can experience Spiritual Abuse

Research undertaken by CCPAS (now thirtyoneeight) and Bournemouth University ldquoUnderstanding spiritual abuse in the Christian Communityrdquo clearly demonstrates that Spiritual Abuse can be experienced by those in positions of leadership those in positio

Anyone of any faith religion or belief age disability gender (including all gender identities) sexual orientation or race can experience Spiritual Abuse Spiritual Abuse can cause a loss of faith and therefore people of no faith can live with the


5 Have I experienced spiritual abuse

If you have read the definition and the key characteristics of Spiritual Abuse and this has been a pattern of behaviour towards you then it is likely that you have experienced Spiritual Abuse and need some support

If you are still uncertain then please phone the support line and we will be happy to discuss this further

B The Impact of Spiritual Abuse

Replenished are clear that the impact of spiritual abuse is significant and long term This summary has been developed from the research around Spiritual Abuse of Lisa Oakley Kathryn Kinmond and Justin Humphreys and the experiences of Survivors of Sp

Research messages and survivors experiences will continue to be used to develop best practice in supporting advising and advocating for survivors of spiritual abuse

1 What impact can spiritual abuse have on health wellbeing and faith

Both adults and children who have experienced abuse in whatever form will often be profoundly affected by it It is difficult to adequately describe the depth of feeling associated with such an experience but it may well result in questions at both


Basic Needs

An experience of spiritual abuse may lead to financial difficulties through loss of employment leaving a community being unaware of or having difficulties accessing the welfare system having to leave the family home or simply not having the support


Safety

When you experience a traumatic event your bodyrsquos defences take effect and create a stress response which may make you feel a variety of physical symptoms behave differently and experience more intense emotions

This fight or flight response where your body produces chemicals which prepare your body for an emergency can lead to symptoms such as

raised blood pressure

increased heart rate

increased sweating

reduced stomach activity (loss of appetite)





Common symptoms of PTSD include re-experiencing the event in nightmares or flashbacks avoiding things or places associated with the event panic attacks sleep disturbance and poor concentration Depression emotional numbing drug or alcohol misuse

It is really important that you seek an assessment from a qualified medical professional if you are experiencing any of the above symptoms so you can get the necessary help

The symptoms of trauma can manifest both physically and mentally The mind is after all part of the body Our brain can impact our response to pain our ability to heal and our ability to feel rested and refreshed Issues like depression or anxiety

Physical health

It is important here to state that individual experience and response to the experience varies widely We are not in anyway saying that everyone who has experienced Spiritual Abuse will have physical health issues however for many survivors of trauma

People who have experienced traumatic events have higher rates than the general population of a wide range of serious and life-threatening illnesses including cardiovascular disease diabetes gastrointestinal disorders and cancer

Researchers have discovered that traumatic events dysregulate the adrenal and sympathetic nervous systems More recently research from the field of psychoneuroimmunology (PNI) suggests that traumatic life events can lead to health problems through dy


Fear

Common Responses to any experience of abuse are feeling powerless and afraid This is also the case after experiencing coercive control and spiritual abuse Fear can be felt in dealing with people of authority which can include religious leaders poli

Impact of leaving community family relationships job roles and volunteer roles

Isolation on leaving a coercive and controlling situation is also common Having left what is often a close knit community means a loss of a support and friendship network Where employment has been within the organisation that has been left then the

There is a continuum of impacts on family relationships and everyonersquos experience will be different Leaving a faith organisation or community can have an impact on family relationships This can range from resentment to guilt for the impact that lea

The realisation of the impact of remaining in a situation where spiritual abuse was experienced can lead to feelings of guilt or resentment for the impact that spiritual abuse has had on all those in the family In extreme situations one partner in th

Where only one partner in the marriage has experienced or recognised spiritual abuse then this can impact on marriage Where one partner wishes to leave the organisation and the other doesnrsquot this will inevitably cause tension in the relationship Whe

Survivors find it difficult to trust others and can be unsure of who is trustworthy especially in a faith based setting This loss of trust makes Pastoral care or counselling challenging It can also make it difficult for people to attend or stay at

This loss of trust can lead to difficulties in forming new friendships This is especially the case where house moves have been regular The pain of losing friendships and community can lead to hesitance in developing new friendships or settling in a

A common theme in the experiences of those who have experienced spiritual abuse is a loss of belonging This loss of belonging goes beyond loss of community and those that have experienced spiritual abuse talk of not fitting into the secular world du


Esteem

Many people feel angry about what has happened especially how God and faith have been used in their experience Others will blame themselves for not noticing earlier what was really happening or for the way the perpetrator treated others People can

It is common for survivors of Spiritual Abuse to question their perception of the experience and to revisit their experience often

Self-esteem and self-confidence can be affected particularly where spiritual abuse has been long term and persistent Characteristics of Spiritual Abuse such as public humiliation along with loss of identity loss of reputation loss of respect withi

Impact on Faith

Spiritual Abuse can have an impact on faith and ultimately a loss of faith For many people their faith is central to who they are A damaging experience involving their faith often impacts their sense of what they believe and who they are

A loss of your role in your faith or faith based organisation can be experienced Where a career is linked to their faith this can lead to a loss of career Again this may impact upon how they see themselves This can lead to a loss of purpose and add

Long Term Impact

It is important to note that for a majority of those who experience spiritual abuse the impact of their experience is long term It is important to recognise that the road to recovery or living with your experience better is often not a straight road

C Responding Well

1 How do I respond well if I have been hurt but it isnt spiritual abuse

If you want to double check that it isnrsquot Spiritual Abuse please do phone the support line to discuss your experience

The first point here that it is ok to feel hurt by someone elsersquos actions or behaviour but in the long term it is not healthy to stay hurt We would advise that you explain the impact of someonersquos behaviour or actions to the person who has hurt you

This should only be done if you feel safe and where there is no criminal offence or safeguarding issues

2 Treating ourselves kindly self-care and self-compassion

It is vital that we see our journey to recovery from our experiences as not being one direction of travel As survivors of spiritual abuse we have good days and not so good days At times we can take two steps forward and one step back As a good frie

We do tend to be our own worse critics and can be particularly harsh on ourselves whilst we are recovering Learning to be kinder to ourselves is all part of the journey Here are some useful questions to ask yourself if you are being overly self-crit

Would I say that out loud to another person

What would I say instead

If a friend had been through what I have been through what advice would I give them

Developing Self Compassion

Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others Think about what the experience of compassion feels like

First to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering If you ignore that homeless person on the street you canrsquot feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is

Second compassion involves feeling moved by othersrsquo suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to ldquosuffer withrdquo) When this occurs you feel warmth caring and the desire to help the suffering person in

Finally when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity) it means that you realize that suffering failure and imperfection is part of the shared human experience ldquoThere but for fortune go Irdquo

Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time fail or notice something you donrsquot like about yourself Instead of just ignoring your pain with a ldquostiff upper liprdquo mentality you stop to tell yourse

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings ndash after all who ever said you were supposed to be perfect

You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy but this is done because you care about yourself not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are

Perhaps most importantly having compassion for yourself means that you honour and accept your humanness Things will not always go the way you want them to You will encounter frustrations losses will occur you will make mistakes bump up against y

Below are the three elements of self-compassion

Self-kindness vs Self-judgment

Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer fail or feel inadequate rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect fai

Common humanity vs Isolation

Frustration at not having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation ndash as if ldquoIrdquo were the only person suffering or making mistakes All humans suffer however The very definition of being ldquohumanrdquo

Mindfulness vs Over-identification

Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated This equilibrated stance stems from the process of relating personal experiences to those of others who are als

We will explore some exercises and ideas on how to develop a more compassionate response to yourself in the Self Care section at the end of this handbook

3 Beginning your Journey (or moving on from where you are)

With these principles of self compassion in mind we can now discuss some of the first steps of the journey


That step in itself can seem scary especially when you have experienced coercion and control and perhaps donrsquot have the confidence around your decision making because of your experience It is important that you remember to break the journey down into

It may be necessary to get some counselling or other therapeutic input to help you in your journey We would strongly advise that this support is from a qualified practitioner who understands the experience and impact of spiritual abuse

The following websites are a useful starting point to finding a private counsellor Alternatively counselling can be accessed through your GP (there may be a waiting list)

Non Faith ndash British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy httpswwwbacpcouk

Christian ndash Association of Christian Counsellors httpswwwacc-ukorg

Muslim ndash Muslim Counsellor and Psychotherapist Network httpswwwmcapncoukcounselling-directory

Jewish ndash Raphael Jewish Counselling httpswwwraphaeljewishcounsellingorg

Buddhist ndash there are a number of Buddhist counsellors across the country which can be found through an online search We would advise checking that they belong to a professional body or association as we would any counsellor or psychotherapist

Hindu ndash there are a number of Hindu counsellors across the country which can be found through an online search We would advise checking that they belong to a professional body or association as we would any counsellor or psychotherapist

Sikh ndash the Sikhyourmind appears to be a good source of advice regarding mental health issues in the Sikh community httpsikhyourmindcom

a) Where am I now

Any journey must start from where we are As painful as it may be we need to understand what we are feeling and the impact of our experience before we can effectively make any change It is useful to check this question regularly

b) What do I want to change What are the priorities

It is important to be able to prioritise here as there will be many things that you may wish to change It is important to be realistic about how much can be changed at once

c) Where is the destination I want to get to Setting goals

It is isnrsquot necessary to do the whole journey in one go so set staged goals which are realistic What does the destination look like when the change has been made

d) What help do I need to reach the goals

We all need help along lifersquos journey and it is no different on this journey Building a support network of people who understand is really important That support network can be friends family as well as professionals A common theme that we hear th

e) What help can Replenished offer me

Replenished are here for you whatever stage of the journey you are on We can offer a safe space to talk and discuss any of the above points to be a point of reference or just simply to listen whether you are a having a good day or finding things dif

f) Where else can I find support

As previously mentioned counselling or therapy may be an important part of your journey It may however take a little time for you to be ready


4 How can I help my children and family

It is likely that there will be people around you who are also travelling a similar journey This can add to the complexity of your journey as often others will be at different places at different time This can lead to conflicts of feelings and disag



We are planning to develop a Spiritual Abuse Survivors supporterrsquos handbook in the near future and we are able to discuss how you can support others around you if you wish to ring the Replenished helpline

If you become aware of a child that is at risk of harm then you need to seek some advice from childrenrsquos services in your local authority area and make a report if this necessary If you become aware of an adult who is at risk of harm then you should


Thirtyoneeight have some useful information about understanding spiritual abuse and developing healthy cultures We would advise signposting any organisations to thirtyoneeight through the website wwwthirtyoneeightorg or there helpline 0303 003 1

D Health and WellbeingSelf Care

1 Self Care

ldquoSelf-care is daily nourishment that helps us to restore replenish and heal Central to self-care is the idea that taking care of yourself is not selfish it is essential to your health and wellbeingrdquo6F

Self-care is a vital part of your journey as there is no getting away from the fact that at times your journey will be difficult and uncomfortable At these difficult and uncomfortable times we often donrsquot feel like doing self-care that self-care is

Understanding situations or experiences that may trigger anxiety difficult memories flashbacks or other responses from your experience is really important in planning and managing your emotional health and self-care

Qualified practitioners can work with you through a variety of methods to develop coping mechanisms for these responses or to deal with the experience you have been through It is important to access professional help with these aspects of emotional a

There are however self-care activities that you can do without professional help

ldquoPlease do not equate self-care with pampering it can be pampering but it is not limited to luxurious practices Sometimes a restorative act is just what you need in other moments the true act of self-care might be the last thing you actually feel

A framework or set of categories can help bring self-care to life making it easy down an accessible soothing practice when we need it

Suzy Reading developed the Vitality Wheel and this is informed by Positive Psychology Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) mindfulness acceptance and commitment therapy amongst other things The Vitality Wheel shows you eight different ways in which y


Print out a copy of the vitality wheel and fill in some activities that will be useful to you

Keep a self-care journal

Describe yourself when you are well nourished and are having a good day What does this facilitate in your life What does this allow you to be

Describe yourself when you are depleted empty or fatigued How does this affect your life and the people around you

What are the triggers or situations that deplete you (These will be times when self-care is really important)

Write out a few statements of why you personally want to commit to taking better care of yourself ndash for you and anyone your life touches

Keep a log of what has worked well and has met your self-care needs in different situations

Turn to your self-care journal on a regular basis and ask what do I need today Us the vitality wheel you have filled in and previous entries to help you

Put together a self-care box with all the things you might need

Self-care ideas

Take a gratitude walk ndash movement is great for lifting mood use a walk to count your blessings notice nature around you if you have time walk to somewhere that is special to you Notice the beauty of your surroundings Spending time in nature gre

Run a bubble bath with an essential oil to suit your mood

Light a scented candle or wax melt

Savouring Scent ndash notice scents throughout the day and how these make you feel Think carefully here about what scents you use We are aware that some scents can be associated with memories and can therefore trigger anxiety or flashbacks Different

Make a vision board ndash pick an area of your life which you want to make changes in What does the vision look like Sift through magazines brochures photos and gather some ideas that inspire you Express yourself with a collage of colours images a

Buy two bunches of flowers ndash one for yourself and one for someone else

Connect socially with others ndash Social Connection is so important and we are not talking social media but face to face contact with other people Be intentional about being present making eye contact smiling at others (even though you may not feel

Breathing exercises ndash focussing or meditating on your breathing is a quick exercise to reduce stress and anxiety

Kindness Stones - use some smooth pebbles and permanent markers or waterproof paints and get creative Make the pebbles into characters qualities such as hope strength and peace or write affirmations that speak to you

Outer order Inner Harmony ndash The environment we live in has a tangible impact on our inner world Have a look around you and note what areas make you feel good and which deplete your energy What action can you take today This can be getting on top

Be your own cheerleader ndash every time your inner critic pops up or you face a challenge be intentional on cheering yourself on Be supportive give yourself a kind word and think about your personal strengths

Give yourself permission ndash to stop and rest to put yourself first to have an early night to dream big and let the how come later to stand firm and honour my boundaries to speak my truth

Look up and take in the stars ndash when there is a clear night head out to a space away from artificial light and just sit and look up at the stars Print out a map of constellations and tick the ones you have seen Allow yourself time to be filled wi

And finally remember that self-care is not selfish Itrsquos not ldquome firstrdquo itrsquos ldquome as wellrdquo8F 9F

2 Healthy Eating for Emotional Health

Whilst Tea Cake and Chocolate are the cornerstones of self-care we do need to include some other food groups in our diet

Knowing what foods we should and shouldnrsquot be eating can be really confusing especially when it feels like the advice changes regularly However evidence suggests that as well as affecting our physical health what we eat may also affect the way we


improve your mood

give you more energy

help you think more clearly

The following aspects of healthy eating are useful for mental health

Eating regularly

Staying Hydrated

Getting your 5 a day

Looking after your gut ndash fibre fluid and exercise (Healthy gut foods include fruits vegetables and wholegrains beans pulses live yoghurt and other probiotics)

Getting enough protein

Managing Caffeine

Eating the right fats Our brain needs fatty acids (such as omega-3 and -6) to keep it working well So rather than avoiding all fats itrsquos important to eat the right ones

Healthy fats are found in oily fish poultry nuts (especially walnuts and almonds) olive and sunflower oils seeds (such as sunflower and pumpkin) avocados milk yoghurt cheese and eggs10F



3 Resilience and avoiding future abusive situations

A key part of your journey is to develop resilience and to be able to avoid abusive situations in the future For those who have experienced abusive communities or relationships it can be all too easy to walk into familiar communities and relationship

Healthy Cultures

It is important that you understand how healthy the culture of the faith based organisation that you may be joining is However it is also worth remembering unhealthy cultures may not be initially apparent and can also develop over time There also n

Leadership

The ability of leaders to be able to self-reflect and self-regulate is a key requirement in understanding how power and authority are used in the day-to-day interactions with those around them such that they do not cause harm Evidence shows that a s

Healthy Culture

We believe that healthy cultures demonstrate the following characteristics

Respects values and nurtures each person

Allows questions and calm disagreement

Guides and empowers through biblical teaching (or other faith teaching)

Guides behaviour but respects choices

Nurturing and nurtured leadership

Values lsquowhole lifersquo service

Healthy accountability

Models inclusion11F

We would advise that you maintain independent relationships outside any faith based organisation so that you are able to discuss any concerns with someone independent If you wish to use Replenished to do this you will be very welcome

Healthy Relationships

Respect for both oneself and others is a key characteristic of healthy relationships In contrast in unhealthy relationships one partner tries to exert control and power over the other physically sexually andor emotionally


Mutual respect Respect means that each person values who the other is and understands the other personrsquos boundaries

Trust Partners should place trust in each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt

Honesty Honesty builds trust and strengthens the relationship

Compromise In a dating relationship each partner does not always get his or her way Each should acknowledge different points of view and be willing to give and take

Individuality Neither partner should have to compromise who heshe is and hisher identity should not be based on a partnerrsquos Each should continue seeing his or her friends and doing the things heshe loves Each should be supportive of hisher p

Good communication Each partner should speak honestly and openly to avoid miscommunication If one person needs to sort out his or her feelings first the other partner should respect those wishes and wait until he or she is ready to talk

Anger control We all get angry but how we express it can affect our relationships with others Anger can be handled in healthy ways such as taking a deep breath counting to ten or talking it out

Fighting fair Everyone argues at some point but those who are fair stick to the subject and avoid insults are more likely to come up with a possible solution Partners should take a short break away from each other if the discussion gets too hea

Problem solving Dating partners can learn to solve problems and identify new solutions by breaking a problem into small parts or by talking through the situation

Understanding Each partner should take time to understand what the other might be feeling

Self-confidence When dating partners have confidence in themselves it can help their relationships with others It shows that they are calm and comfortable enough to allow others to express their opinions without forcing their own opinions on them

Being a role model By embodying what respect means partners can inspire each other friends and family to also behave in a respectful way

Healthy sexual relationship Dating partners engage in a sexual relationship that both are comfortable with and neither partner feels pressured or forced to engage in sexual activity that is outside his or her comfort zone or without consent

Useful Links

There are many useful links on the Replenished website At this time these links will be updated more regularly then they would be here

End note

We hope that this handbook will be a helpful guide on your journey that there will be opportunities to dance (not just the cha cha cha or the waltz) and that tea cake and chocolate will continue to be in abundant supply

This is the second edition and we will regularly review the handbook to ensure that it remains relevant meets the needs of survivors and reflects are ever growing experience of working with survivors of spiritual abuse If you have any suggestions or

If you do need further support then please feel free to contact Simon and Caroline on the support line by any means of communication you are comfortable with

wwwreplenishedlife




Foreword First of all welcome to the Spiritual Abuse Survivors Handbook It is likely that you have accessed this handbook for one of three reasons

bull You have experienced Spiritual Abuse coercive control in a religious setting bull You are supporting a family member who has experienced Spiritual Abuse bull You are supporting someone professionally who has experienced Spiritual Abuse

The aim of this handbook is to give you as much information as possible to help you understand what has been experienced how it may impact on you (or the person you are supporting) and to empower you (or the person you are supporting) to take steps on your (their) journey to lessen the impact

Whilst this handbook is written from the perspective of those who have experienced spiritual abuse it is important that we understand that no personrsquos experience or the impact of that experience is going to be the same Each personrsquos response to their experience is also going to differ We have therefore drawn on a wide range of experiences faiths and cultural backgrounds We have also drawn on messages from research around experience impact and the journey to lessen the impact of spiritual abuse

This handbook will be kept under regular review as we become aware of further experiences of spiritual abuse further research messages feedback from users of this handbook and as we learn from our experiences of supporting those who have experienced spiritual abuse Thank you in advance for your patience as this resource develops

If you need further advice and support or just want to share your experiences then please phone the Replenished support line The support line is for individuals and is independent of any faith or denomination The support line is confidential however there may be a need to share information with those that need to know if there is a safeguarding concern evidence of others being at risk of harm a crime being committed or a risk to life


A Is it Spiritual Abuse 1 What is Spiritual Abuse Spiritual abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse It is characterised by a systematic pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour in a religious context Spiritual abuse can have a deeply damaging impact on those who experience it However holding a theological position is not in itself inherently spiritually abusive but misuse of scripture applied theology and doctrine is often a component of spiritually abusive behaviour (L Oakley 2017)1 The term Spiritual Abuse can be contentious and therefore must be carefully qualified For the sake of brevity we will use the term ldquoSpiritual Abuserdquo in place of the wider term and the meaning will include Coercive Control in a Religious Setting from this point forward

Replenished recognise that the vast majority of faith-based organisations operate in a healthy way and that Spiritual Abuse is not present within their organisation Faith Based organisations when operating with a healthy culture provide a vital service to their communities

1 httpsthirtyoneeightorgmedia2191spiritual-abuse-position-statementpdf









































































































Self-care ideas








































































Foreword


















Key Characteristics




















Basic Needs



Safety





increased sweating









Physical health





Fear











Esteem




Impact on Faith



Long Term Impact


C Responding Well









































a) Where am I now






















1 Self Care



















Self-care ideas



















improve your mood




Eating regularly

Staying Hydrated




Managing Caffeine







Healthy Cultures


Leadership


Healthy Culture









Models inclusion11F


















Useful Links


End note




wwwreplenishedlife











































































































Self-care ideas








































































Foreword


















Key Characteristics




















Basic Needs



Safety





increased sweating









Physical health





Fear











Esteem




Impact on Faith



Long Term Impact


C Responding Well









































a) Where am I now






















1 Self Care



















Self-care ideas



















improve your mood




Eating regularly

Staying Hydrated




Managing Caffeine







Healthy Cultures


Leadership


Healthy Culture









Models inclusion11F


















Useful Links


End note




wwwreplenishedlife






























































Foreword


















Key Characteristics




















Basic Needs



Safety





increased sweating









Physical health





Fear











Esteem




Impact on Faith



Long Term Impact


C Responding Well









































a) Where am I now






















1 Self Care



















Self-care ideas



















improve your mood




Eating regularly

Staying Hydrated




Managing Caffeine







Healthy Cultures


Leadership


Healthy Culture









Models inclusion11F


















Useful Links


End note




wwwreplenishedlife



Spiritual Abuse Survivors Handbook · ethnic or national origin), religion or belief, sex (gender)...

Documents

Transcript of Spiritual Abuse Survivors Handbook · ethnic or national origin), religion or belief, sex (gender)...