South Central Health District€¦ · Web viewStep Workbook Based on Big Book Of Alcoholics...

South Central Health District

CO-DEPENDENCY

Step Workbook

Based on

Big Book

Of

Alcoholics Anonymous

St. Joseph's Hospital

Addiction Services

Two main contributing factors tend to keep the codependent cycle spinning:

Denial

Fear of rejection

What Is A Co-dependent?

Co-dependency is a pattern of painful dependency on compulsive behavior and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth and identity. Simply stated, co-dependency is a disease in much the same way as chemical dependency. Co dependence grows out of the disease process known as addiction (Schaef, 1986). It is often the spouse of an addicted person who is identified as co-dependent. However, this is not always the case. Children, parents and even friends of the addicted person can become co-dependent. Recovery from co-dependency is possible.

The co-dependent person is often the one who is closest emotionally to the chemically dependent individual. He or she becomes focused on stopping the addiction in that person. As attempts to stop the addicted person from continuing with chemical use fail, the co-dependent person tries harder, becomes more depressed and desperate, focusing even more intensely on the addiction of the chemically dependent person. Although co-dependent people will exhibit a number of different behaviors and symptoms, there are commonalities.

Co-dependent Characteristics

Listed below are some of the characteristics more frequently observed (Schaef, 1986) in or manifested by co dependents:

Issues Of Control

Co-dependents try desperately to control situations. They attempt to manage the lives of everyone around them, especially the person with the chemical addiction.

Caretaking

Co-dependents often fear that their only real worth in life is in what they can do for others. Therefore, they become very involved in "taking care of," which gives them their main sense of place and purpose.

Martyrdom

Co-dependents will endure suffering for the purpose of saving a marriage, keeping the family together or keeping the chemically addicted person from harm or shame. In the process they are actually perpetuating the problem by making excuses for, cleaning up after and putting up with the behaviors of the addicted person upon whom all attention has been focused.

Being Out Of Touch With Feelings

Co-dependents tend to be so preoccupied with the feelings and concerns of others that they deny their own. They will often allow themselves to have only acceptable or good feelings. Co-dependents deny or repress feelings of anger and resentment. As co-dependents deny their own needs to be nurtured, they become depressed, possessive and jealous.

20 Questions for Co -dependents

A Self Assessment Co-dependency test

1. Did you ever lose time from work due to your relationship with an addicted person?

Yes

No

2. Have your relationships ever made your life unhappy?

Yes

No

3. Have your relationships affected your reputation?

Yes

No

4. Have you ever felt remorse after manipulating a situation?

Yes

No

5. Did you ever control situations to get money to pay debts household bills o r otherwise

solve financial difficulties that belong to someone else?

Yes

No

6. Has your involvement in a relationship caused a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?

Yes

No

7. After a fight or disagreement, did you feel you must get even?

Yes

No

8. After winning an argument, did you have a strong urge to restate your point?

Yes

No

9. Did you often stay in a relationship until your last hope was gone?

Yes

No

10. Did you ever borrow money to finance another person's addiction or associated crisis?

Yes

No

11. Have you ever sold anything to finance another person's addiction or associated crisis?

Yes

No

12. Were you reluctant to purchase necessary items because it may cause a disagree ment?

Yes

No

13. Did your relationships make you care less of the welfare of yourself and your family?

Yes

No

14. Did you ever stay in a degrading or dangerous situation longer than you planned?

Yes

No

15. Have you ever-dragged old hurts into discussions about current items?

Yes

No

16. Have you ever committed, or considered committing, and illegal act to finance someone's addiction?

Yes

No

17. Did your relationships cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?

Yes

No

18. Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to change someone else?

Yes

No

19. Did you ever have an idea that if loved ones would only see things your way, life would be much better?

Yes

No

20. Have you ever considered self-destruction as a result of your reactions or relationships?

Yes

No

Answering yes to five or more of these questions is an indication that co-dependency has become a problem in your life.

Relapse Warning Signs for Co-dependents

Read through each symptom and check it off in the box if you are experiencing the symptom

FORMCHECKBOX Situational loss of daily structure: Daily routine is interrupted by a temporary situation such as illness. The interruption to the recovery program continues after the initial crisis is resolved.

FORMCHECKBOX Lack of personal care: Carelessness about personal appearance. May stop doing things “for personal enjoyment”.

FORMCHECKBOX Inability to set and maintain limits: Limits set for children are either too lenient or too rigid resulting in continued behavior and discipline problems.

FORMCHECKBOX Loss of constructive planning: Feeling confused and overwhelmed by personal responsibilities. Difficulty in thinking leads to reacting by doing the first job that presents itself, while more important tasks remain undone.

FORMCHECKBOX Indecision: Ability to make decisions related to daily life becomes impaired.

FORMCHECKBOX Compulsive behavior: The individual experiences episodes where they feel driven to do more, anything done does not seem to be enough.

FORMCHECKBOX Fatigue or lack of rest: Disturbed, fitful sleep, inability to sleep an adequate number hours to feel rested.

FORMCHECKBOX Return of unreasonable resentments: Mentally reviewing persons or events that have hurt, angered or been generally upsetting. Old emotional upsets are re - experienced and resentments are rekindled.

FORMCHECKBOX Return of the tendency to control people, situations and things: Old controlling behaviors return.

FORMCHECKBOX Defensiveness: Openly justifying actions when challenged in a sharp or angry way, whether the action seems justifiable or not.

FORMCHECKBOX Self Pity: Dwelling on problems past or present and magnifying them. “ Why does everything always happen to me?”

FORMCHECKBOX Overspending / worrying about money: Concern about finances yet impulsively spending in order to “feel better”, this leads to feelings of guilt.

FORMCHECKBOX Eating Problems: Overeating or loss of appetite.

FORMCHECKBOX Scape-goating: Increasing tendency to place blame on other people, places and things outside of self for the reasons behind internal turmoil.

FORMCHECKBOX Return of fear and general anxiety: Feelings of nervousness, fear and anxiety even at times when these feelings may not be appropriate.

FORMCHECKBOX Loss of belief in a higher power: Belief in a higher power wanes as the individual begins to rely on self or turn to others for strength and solutions.

FORMCHECKBOX Attendance at Self help meetings becomes sporadic: Patterns of meeting attendance changes, fewer meetings are attended as the individual believes that there isn’t time, the meetings aren’t helping or are not needed.

FORMCHECKBOX Mind racing: In spite of attempts to slow down, the mind races with many things that are undone or problems that are unsolved.

FORMCHECKBOX Inability to construct a logical chain of thought: Normal problem solving ability deteriorates, leading to feelings of frustration and powerlessness.

FORMCHECKBOX Confusion: Awareness of many negative emotions inside but unable to pinpoint exactly what is wrong.

FORMCHECKBOX Sleep disturbance: Sleeplessness or fitful nights become more regular.

FORMCHECKBOX Artificial emotion: Exhibiting feelings without a conscious knowledge of why, possibly becoming emotional for no reason at all.

FORMCHECKBOX Loss of behavioral control: Losing control of temper especially with the addict and or children.

FORMCHECKBOX Uncontrollable mood swings: Moods swing from feeling extremely happy to feeling extremely low.

FORMCHECKBOX Failure to maintain interpersonal support systems: Stops reaching out to others.

FORMCHECKBOX Feelings of loneliness and isolation: Spending more time alone, becoming more compulsive or impulsive, justifying isolation by convincing self that no one really understands or cares.

FORMCHECKBOX Tunnel vision: Becoming close minded, focusing on personal opinions or decisions, unable to see or consider other points of view.

FORMCHECKBOX Return of anxiety and panic attacks: Experiencing waves of anxiety or panic for no specific reason.

FORMCHECKBOX Health problems: Headaches, migraines, stomach problems, chest pains, rashes or allergies return or begin to occur.

FORMCHECKBOX Use of medication or alcohol as a means to cope: Self-medicating to reduce emotional pain, gaining temporary relief but may lead to addiction or other medical problems.

FORMCHECKBOX Total abandonment of self help meetings and therapy sessions: Meeting and therapy attendance completely stops.

FORMCHECKBOX Inability to change self-defeating behaviors: Recognizing that the behavior is self-defeating; the compulsion to continue the behavior over rides that knowledge.

FORMCHECKBOX Development of an “ I don’t care” attitude: In an effort to defend self-esteem, the individual rationalises “ I don’t care” rather than admitting, “ I am out of control”. A shift in the value system occurs and things that were once important are now ignored.

FORMCHECKBOX Complete loss of daily structure: Unable to perform simple acts of daily functioning, scheduled meals and bedtime are lost, meetings and appointments are forgotten.

FORMCHECKBOX Despair and suicidal ideation: Feeling powerless and hopeless options are reduced to: committing suicide, going insane or numbing out with the use of medication or alcohol.

FORMCHECKBOX Major physical collapse: Physical symptoms become so severe that medical attention is required. (Ulcers, heart problems, migraines)

FORMCHECKBOX Major emotional collapse: Unable to cope with the unmanageability of life the individual becomes so hostile, depressed or anxious that he or she is completely out of control.

FORMCHECKBOX

FORMCHECKBOX TOTAL

How do you feel about the score you received on this self-evaluation? __________________

__________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

What will you do (if anything) to resolve the symptoms? ? ____________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________

Step Study - Step 1

We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.

In the book "Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps", the author Melody Beattie, begins by

telling how she reacted to this step. She didn't understand. "Powerless over others? My life -

unmanageable?" She thought she had complete control over herself and others and handled

everything through her willpower. It was her job.

Until she took a closer look at herself. "I found the undercurrent o f fear, anger, pain, loneliness,

emptiness and unmet needs that had controlled me most of my life."

She quoted Mary who states, "Being a victim and being in control was how I was in power. If I

was powerless, then someone else was in control."

Hopefully through these steps we are going to learn how to own our power and be able to see the

truth about ourselves and our relationships.

"We are powerless over others. When we try to exert power where we have none, our lives at

some level may become unmanagea ble."

She goes on to tell her story and gives examples of ways that others have been affected by

codependency. It doesn't have to be severe. It doesn't have to be to the point of taking over your

life to be ready for a change. She tells stories of peop le who are codependent with siblings and

intimate relationships. Examples of where people let others control them, tried to control, and

gave too much.

Our Lives Had Become Unmanageable

In discussing unmanageability Melody states that we do not necessar ily have to be involved with

or affected by someone's drinking or addiction to be codependent. She simply states that for us,

caretaking and controlling others doesn't work. It makes our life unmanageable. We often don't

even see it. It is an instinct, a first reaction for us with anyone and/or everyone we meet affecting

any or all parts of our life.

"We may deprive ourselves so badly our martyrdom and self sacrifice create ongoing feelings of

victimization. We may allow others to victimize us; we may victimize ourselves. We may subject

ourselves unnecessarily to other people and their inappropriate, abusive, or out -of-control

behaviors. We may feel victimized by our inability to set the boundaries we need to set."

Codependency can be seen in so man y different ways. It may be our feelings that are affected -

depression, fear, anger, sadness. Or we may be so consumed by someone else that we ignore

our feelings completely. We may stay in abusive relationships or isolate to avoid further

disappointment and pain. It can happen at any time, even in recovery, when we try to control

things we can't or let others control us.

"Unmanageability occurs when we stop owning our power and start believing that we do not have

choices about how we want to act, reg ardless of what another person is or isn't doing."

We neglect ourselves and now it is time to learn to take care of ourselves.

The Roots of Control

Codependency

Step One: Worksheet

The first step is the foundation of recovery. The following work paper is designed to assist you in proving and accepting, on a gut level, your individual powerlessness and unmanageability.

We admitted we were powerless over others – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Give examples of the following:

1. How have you obsessed over another person’s behaviour?

2. How have you tried to control another person’s behaviour?

3. How have you lied, covered up or minimized another person’s behaviour?

4. How has your own work, school, relationships…etc. suffered as a result of spending most of your time with another person?

5. Describe the effects felt on your:

a) Physical health

b) Emotional health (depression, mood swings…)

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

c) Social life (friendships, hobbies…)

E) Work/ school:

d) Spirituality:

e) Financial: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

f) Legal:

6. Have I checked through another’s person’ mail, wallet, bank account or other personal information?

7. Do I dress to gain approval or acceptance from another person?

8. Do I find myself lecturing another person about their problems?

9. How do I punish other people?

10. Do I often blame myself for other people’s problems?

11. How do I use or withhold sex to get what I want and do I make excuses to not be sexual?

12. Am I overly responsible or irresponsible?

13. Do I tend to keep overly busy?

14. Do I feel depressed a lot of the time?

15. Am I able to identify and process my feelings?

16. How have I tried to deny or justify existing problems?

17. Has the fear of rejection kept me in a relationship?

18. 15 reasons to continue working on your co-dependency?

1._________________________________________________

2._________________________________________________

3._________________________________________________

4._________________________________________________

5._________________________________________________

6._________________________________________________

7._________________________________________________

8._________________________________________________

9._________________________________________________

10.________________________________________________

11.________________________________________________

12.________________________________________________

13.________________________________________________

14.________________________________________________

15._________________________________________________

First Step Feedback

Please comment on how well you are doing in the following items:

1. Honesty:

· Thoroughness

· Minimizing

· Maximizing

· Areas of Denial

2. Understanding of Powerlessness:

3. Understanding of Unmanageability:

4. Attitude toward First Step:

Powerlessness

Recognizing powerlessness over a substance is a key factor in recovery from chemical dependency. That one is powerless over a substance is the admission absolutely necessary in order to build up sobriety. The issue is very clear and simple: a chemically dependent person cannot predict with certainty when or if he/she will stop drinking or using, once he/she takes the first drink or drug.

The admission of powerlessness over a chemical does not necessarily mean the following:

· That a chemically dependent person can do nothing about whether he/she takes the first drink or drug.

· That every time a chemical dependent person drinks or uses, he/she will get drunk or high.

The book, Alcoholics Anonymous speaks at length of “the cruel mental obsession” the alcoholic has. Although the urge to drink does not seem to go away totally, it usually diminishes as length of sobriety increases. This obsession to drink is unfortunately thought by some to be irresistible. Consequently, they mistakenly believe that being powerless over alcohol means that there is no escape from drinking. Again, for the alcoholic, powerlessness over alcohol means that once he/she drinks alcohol in any form, he/she cannot certainly predict when or if he/she will stop drinking.

Unmanageability

The basic literature of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions uses this term almost always in connection with the word powerlessness. It is clearly implied in these two books that abuse of alcohol disrupted the drinker’s life to such an extent that while drinking he/she could not function satisfactorily on the job, in the family, or in society in general. Further, the alcoholic’s emotional life while drinking is described as exaggerated and abused passions and instincts. The picture that the literature gives is that total defeat by alcohol makes a shambles of the alcoholic’s life; that their life has become unmanageable. As the years have gone by, the meaning of unmanageability has been broadened in treatment. While it includes the ideas of the previous paragraph, it also implies our inability to prevent certain feelings from coming to us at unpredictable times. Though we are not compelled to act out these feelings-such as anger or fear or lust- we cannot prevent them, and must deal with them if we are to have peaceful and solid sobriety.

A third aspect of a chemically dependent person’s unmanageability is the inability to control other people and events. Obviously, the situation of controlling by use of physical force is not included here. What is meant is that no person can control the thoughts, feelings and behaviors of another person. And, for the most part, a person has in the last analysis little or no control over the working out of most events in their life. This last statement is hard to understand and perhaps even more difficult to accept. It would take an extremely exceptionally person to work out things in most life situations so as to be completely certain of the outcome. Rather than saying, “life is unmanageable”, it might be clearer to say that there are so many possible outcomes for every action and situation that we cannot surely predict which one will come about, even though we meticulously plan and prepare.

Thus, when speaking of unmanageability in the treatment situation, it is important to remember these three things:

· The chemically dependent person who is drinking or using will sooner or later fail in his/her responsibilities to his/her social system and to his/her job

· No one, chemically dependent or not, can prevent feelings, no matter how unwanted they are, from sometimes coming to them. He/she is not, however, compelled to act out these feelings.

· No one, chemically dependent or not, can control the thoughts, feelings, or behavior of another person. Nor can anyone control events or situations.

The state of unmanageability is not a negative state of being. Rather, it is reality of life, and in fact, can be a positive state of being when accepted. Thus, the goal is acceptance of life’s unmanageability as a reality.

Higher Power

The person who suffers from acute, chronic chemical dependence has been a puzzle too difficult for any single profession to solve. And yet, many who suffer from this mysterious malady do recover by following a 12 Step recovery program. These organizations take credit for helping chemically dependent people recover only to the extent that it recognizes itself as the instrument of a Higher Power.

Apparently, this Higher Power in the minds of the founders of the AA was the Judaeo Christian God. Nevertheless, 12 Step recovery programs do not insist on belief in this God as a requisite either for recovery from active chemical dependence or membership in a 12 Step recovery group.

Rather than insisting on belief in a specific Higher Power, 12 Step literature asks that the chemically dependent person who wants to recover at least keep an open mind about the possibility of the existence of a power greater than self. The literature points out that individuals lacking belief in a God have been able to identify the 12 Step group as a greater power than the individual simply because of aggregation of people. This is based on the simple idea that many is greater than one. Other members of 12 Step recovery groups have found various forces in their lives that they choose to call their Higher Power.

At stake is the decision of the chemical dependent person who wants to recover to stop relying on his/her own powers alone to bring recovery. As the book says, “Self-will availed us nothing”.

Powerlessness

1. Powerlessness (“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and drugs..”)

A) How has my inability to control others affected my:

1. Work:

2. Health:

3. Finances:

4. Reputation:

5. Relationship with family and people in general:

6. Education:

7. Self Respect:

Personal Using Dynamics

Factors that triggered co-dependency for you

1. What are the activities that would put you at high risk for co-dependency?

2. Who are the people who you would be tempted to be co-dependent with?

3. What places do you associate with your co-dependent behaviors?

4. What times of the day, week, month or year trigger co-dependency for you?

5. What emotional and/or mental state often preceded co-dependent behaviors?

6. What events trigger co-dependency for you?

7. What other personal rituals have you identified around your co-dependency?

8. What patterns have you seen through your treatment that lead you to relapse behavior?

Codependency

Step 2 Worksheet

The second step comes to terms with your Higher Power. It enables you to find a new concept of God and/or a Higher Power that will assist you in not doing the insane behaviors/thinking. This paper is based on Chapter 4 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous “We Agnostics”. We trust it will enable you to find your “Higher Power”.

1. What does the word “agnostic” mean?

2. What happens when someone has a spiritual experience (also refer to pages: 14, 25, 27, 249, 381, 569).

3. The Big Book stresses the fact that you must find a spiritual basis of life or else (page 44). What is meant by this statement?

4. “Lack of Power, that was our dilemma” (page 45). What do they mean by this statement?

5. What is your present concept or idea of God?

a) How does your concept of God affect you?

6. What are characteristics of a Higher Power that will help you in your recovery?

7. What characteristics hamper your beliefs and influence prejudices?

(refer to pages 48, 50)

8. Do you experience the same problems as outlined in the middle of the

paragraph on page 52?

a) What is your main problem area?

9. Can you make the choice that is asked in the middle of the paragraph on page 53?

10. The Big Book states that we have been worshippers – this is found in the first paragraph on page 54. What have you worshipped?

11. What does sanity mean to you?

12. What is a healthy attitude toward organized religions or people of faith? (pages 49 & 50)

13. Read the middle two paragraphs on page 55. Have you fearlessly searched for you inner power? What did you find?

If we have considered in step one some level of acceptance of our condition, we could enter into complete despair if it were not for the hope of recovery offered in Step Two: the conviction that a “power greater than ourselves could restore us”.

Step Two is primarily an attitude change and is concerned with techniques for facilitating spiritual growth. Our belief in most things has been damaged or destroyed.

1. The words “came to believe” are important to understand. (For example the “Thought for the Day for September 25 and 26 in the 24 Hours a Day Meditation Book talks about this). In light of your readings and experience, what does “came to believe” mean to you?

a) What beliefs are important to you?

b) Where do you stand now with these beliefs?

2. In our lives there are many “powers” greater than ourselves. List some that you can think of:

3. Can you think of instances, after looking over your past life, that you did not manage well? List them and what happened:

a) What do you recognize about yourself that needs to be changed in order to live more sanely? (Restore you to sanity).

4. Can you think of times in your life when you believed a power greater than yourself has cared for you? List those and what happened:

5. As co-dependent people, we have known some insanity in our lives. In light of recovery, we know sanity (healthy living). List ten sane things you have done since coming into recovery and star those you do on a daily basis:

6. The thought for September 25th asks, “Do I see a gradual and continuing change in myself?” Do you?

a) If so, what do you understand that to be?

7. What do you recognize about yourself that is, or could be, blocking your development of a more positive belief system?

8. Step Two of the AA Program is often called the Step of Hope. Are you willing to change and accept help toward change?

a) What can you do today to help in the change?

Codependency

Step Three

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand him.

Step Three requires that we take affirmative action as a result of the developing awareness we have gained from working the first two steps. In Step One, we admitted we were powerless, that our lives had become unmanageable. In Step Two, we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

It is in these first three steps that we set the foundation for working all of the steps and for achieving the peace and serenity we are looking for.

1. List ways in which Step One prepared you for Step Three:

2. List ways in which Step Two prepared you for Step Three:

Step Three seems to require more of us than the first two steps because we are now asked to turn ourselves over to the care of a Higher Power.

(a) Do you find it easy or difficult to take direction from others? Explain:

(b) Give three examples of when you had to take direction from someone else (e.g.: doctor insisting on a certain treatment, at your job, in your relationship with parents growing up…)

(c) What do these experiences tell you about your relationship with authority?

3. Which of these statements best describe your relationship to authority?(circle one)

a) I’m always willing to take directions from others who know more than me.

b) I am occasionally willing to take direction from people I trust.

c) Nobody knows more than me.

d) If I trust someone else I will set myself up for hurt.

e) If someone has demonstrated that they care about me and are competent, I will trust them.

f) If none of the above apply then write your own statement below:

The key to success in working Step Three lies in our willingness to “turn our will and lives over to the care of God”. This is difficult for many of us because we are so accustomed to handling our lives and self will alone. Our self-will has barred others and a Higher Power from our lives, and the idea of surrender is frightening for us.

“Made a Decision…” refers to the everyday moment by moment choices and decisions we make. That is, whether or not we are going to arrive late for dinner or on time; whether we are going to risk speaking up in group or chose to remain silent.

“Made a Decision…” is all about our willingness to take responsibility for our lives, and to put ourselves in places where we can grow… where change and transformation is possible.

4. List five specific examples when you chose to turn your will and life over:

(a) List five examples when you have chosen to follow your own will:

(b) What assets enabled you to make these changes, that is, to “turn your will and your life? Please list them:

(c) What liabilities prevented you from “turning your will and life over”?

Please list them:

5. “To turn our will and lives over…” Do you trust that turning over does not mean giving up your life? Please explain why you feel this way

6. Step Three suggests we need to make a decision to let “God as we understand Him” direct our lives. What is your present understanding of God or a Higher Power?

(a) Do you presently trust you Higher Power enough to turn your will and life over? Explain:

7. If you made a decision to turn your will and life over to a Higher Power’s care, how do you think your life would change?

8. If you presently are not able to turn your will and life over to your Higher Power’s care, what will need to happen before you can?

9. What areas of your life will be the hardest for you to turn over to a Higher Power? In the list below, put a check mark next to the items that are difficult for you to turn over to a Power greater than yourself. Ad some items of your own at the end of the list.

It will be hard for me to turn over:

___My need to be the best at what I do

___My need to get drunk or high

___My resentments toward some people

___My need to have things go my way

___My need for constant sexual gratification

___My need to control other people

Others:

10. Describe what you are afraid might happen if you turn each of these areas over to the care of your Higher Power:

11. “To the care of God…” How do you see your God or Higher Power as caring for you?

12. Read the Third Step Prayer and when you are ready, consider making a similar commitment to your Higher Power in your own words.

STEP 3 PRAYER

My God, I surrender my will into

your hands. With my will I hand over

to you all that I am and have.

All things come from you as a gift and

so I give them back to you so that I rest

entirely under your will in everything.

At this time I surrender into your care

my wife and children and all my loved

ones; also I give to you my job and all

those with whom I work.

Take o God, my anxieties and worries, my

joys and sorrows, my strengths and my

weaknesses that in all things you are in charge

and I am your willing instrument.

God, I hand myself over to you now and for always.

Amen

Use the above pray at least 3 times per day

by Father Bob of the Lumsden Retreat

Communication Skills

This form may help you think about the way you communicate with others. By gaining awareness around your communication style you can use this form to evaluate which areas you may like to improve in.

There are four areas of communication we will explore. Under each heading there are some statements. Please read each statement carefully and show whether you think you are doing – all right- you need to do it more- you need to do it less by checking the appropriate column.

Expressing Feelings

Do it lessDoing O.K.Do it more

Letting others know when I do not understand something they have said.

Letting others know when I like something they have said or done.

Letting others know when I disagree with them.

Letting others know when I think they have changed the subject or become irrelevant.

Letting others know when I am getting irritated.

Letting others know when I feel hurt, embarrassed or put down by something they have said or done.

Understanding Information


Listening to understand rather than preparing my next remark.

Helping others participate in the discussion.

Before agreeing or disagreeing, check to make sure that you understand what the person means.

Understanding and Responding


Checking out with others what I think they are feeling rather than assuming I know.

Responding to a person who is angry with me in such a way that I do not ignore his/her feelings.

Responding to a person whose feelings are hurt in such a way that I do not ignore his/her feelings.

Responding to a person who is expressing closeness and affection for me in such a way that I do not ignore his/her feelings.

General


Talking in group discussions

Getting feedback - encouraging others to let me know how my affections affect them.

Being aware that I am trying to cope with my own feelings of discomfort rather than responding to the other person.

Being able to stand silence when with others.

Being able to stand tension and conflict.

Accepting help from others.

Offering help to others

Yielding to others – giving in to others

Standing up for myself

Being protective of others

Daily Moral Inventory

Purpose:

· To start to identify feelings and behaviors when they are minor, before they get out of hand and are blown out of proportion.

· In some cases, to help prepare for a thorough 4th Step.

· To help see ourselves in a balanced inventory fashion, and to help avoid the unrealistic expectation of perfection rather than progress.

· To enable us to see that it is perfectly normal to have examples of all assets and liabilities on a daily basis, and that this does not mean that whole day was an entire loss.

· To assist in seeing ourselves in a more objective manner; thus enabling us to pinpoint areas of our behavior that need work.

· To develop a discipline of continuing to take a thorough moral inventory on a daily basis, in preparation for Step 10.

Instructions

1. Give one specific example from your day for the first set of opposites on the Daily Moral Inventory sheet.

2. After reviewing your day, consider the above two examples and decide which (of the opposites) you demonstrated most throughout the day, and put a ( or an X in the box under the proper date on the Daily Moral Inventory Calendar sheet.

3. Continue the above procedure with each pair of examples

4. Each day, when completed, review your daily progress and also your pattern to date.

5. The next day, be aware of the areas you had placed an X the day before and try to improve your behavior overall, and review the areas that you placed a ( for assets and focus on the remaining positive in these areas.

Daily Moral Inventory

False PrideThe belief or attitude that “I know best” having trouble admitting any human weakness & stubbornness

HumilityPracticing a level of self acceptance of both my strengths and weaknesses –being open and willing to learn further

PerfectionismThe need to be right and appear perfect-placing unrealistic expectations on ourselves and others

Admitting MistakesThe ability to let go of the need to be right and admit to ourselves and others that we made a mistake

Being PhonyPutting on masks to manipulate or manipulating others

Being YourselfWhen we take off our masks and let ourselves be real and honest-vulnerable

SelfishnessWorrying about getting my needs met without regard for the interest of others.

SharingGiving and receiving in a nurturing way. This does not include care-taking

ImpatienceWanting what we want right now, without delay, opposition, pain or bother

PatienceWe practice patience when we remove our expectations and the need to control people, places and things and allow things to happen as they should.

Self Pity“woe is me”, feeling like a victim and/or misunderstood-when we blame others for our problems

Feeling good about selfBeing positive about self-feeling good to be alive without necessarily having to “accomplish” anything

ResentmentHanging on to angry feelings, believing I am justified to do so. Entertaining urges to “get even”

Forgiveness & UnderstandingThe ability to give acceptance and understanding to those we think have wronged or hurt us.

IntoleranceUnwillingness to give understanding to others – judging others

ToleranceIt is not grudgingly putting up with, but being open to accepting the differences in others

AlibisWhen we justify or excuse our behaviors

Being HonestSimply telling the truth rather than making excuses for ourselves

Dishonest ThinkingWhen we don’t see or name reality or the truth for what it is. How we deceive ourselves

Honest ThinkingWhen we are able to see and name the reality for what it is-seeing the truth

ProcrastinationPutting things off, postponing things that need to be done

Getting the Job DoneStaying with the process or project and seeing it to its completion

Guilty FeelingsBlaming self and beating self up

Freedom from GuiltForgiving and accepting ourselves

FearAn inner feeling of real or imagined doom or failure ahead

AcceptanceSurrendering our fears and developing faith

Taking things for GrantedBelieving that we are self sufficient-complacent, boredom

Being GratefulGiving up trying to be self sufficient and controlling-accept help from others

JealousyNot feeling good about what others may have accomplished and wanting it for ourselves

TrustSurrendering my will and looking to the “we” for guidance and support

Step 4 Debts and Credits List

St. Joseph's Hospital of Estevan

Questionnaire for A Step 4

“Made a searching and fearless moral Inventory of ourselves”

Although everyone has faults, it is always difficult to admit them. Thus Step 4 is the most difficult Step to

take.

DEBTS CREDITS

1. SELF-PITY UNSELFISH, THOUGHTFUL OF

OTHERS

2. RESENTFUL NOT HOLDING GRUDGES

3. CRITICAL CHARITABLE

4. SUSPICIOUS TRUSTING

5. ANGRY PATIENT

6. TENSE AND APPREHNSIVE RELAXED

7. EMOTIONALLY UNCONTR OLLED CALM

8. WITHDRAWN OUTGOING

9. JEALOUS LOVING IN ATTITUDE

10. FEARFUL (AFRAID TO ASSERT SELF) CONFIDENT

11. SELFISH, SELF-INDULGENT GENEROUS AND LOVING

12. DOMINEERING YIELDING

13. SELF-RIGHTEOUS UNCRITICAL

14. STUBBORN AGREEABLE

15. INTOLERANT FORGIVING

16. DISHONEST WITH SELF TRUTHFUL

17. DEPRESSED, GLOOMY OPTIMISTIC, CHEERFUL

18. SMUG, NARROW-MINDED OPEN-MINDED, GRACIOUS

19. FEELING SUPERIOR HUMBLE

20. EXPECTING TOO MUCH TOO SOON REALISTIC

21. HYPERSENSITIVE WILLING TO ADMIT FAULTS

22. DESPONDENT HOPEFUL

23. SULLEN HAVING A SENSE OF HUMOR

24. APPREHENSIVE OF THE FUTURE LIVING 24 HOURS A DAY

25. PROCTRASTINATING BEING PROMP

26. AIMLESS AND INDIFFERENT FINDING A PURPOSE

27. WORRISOME, OVER-ANXIOUS SERENE

28. UNGRATEFUL THANKFUL FOR ALL BLESSINGS

29. PRONE TO GOSSIP PROTECTING CONFIDENCE OF

OTHERS

Column One completed prior to starting Step 4. Column Two completed before Step 5. Column Three completed after Step 5

Resentment List

Column #1 Column #2

Column #3

Column #4

I am resentful ofThe CauseAffects myMy Mistakes

List the names of people, institutions or principles with whom I am angry

Why I am angry

· Self-esteem?

· Security?

· Ambitions?

· Personal or Sex relations?

· Feat?

1. Where have I been:

· Selfish?

· Dishonest?

· Self-seeking?

· Frightening?

1.

2. Where was I to blame?

2.

3. In each case:

3.

a) “Putting out of our minds the wrongs others have done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes only.

4.

b) When we saw our faults we listed then

5.

c) “We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight.”

6.

d) “The inventory was ours NOT the other man’s

7.

8.

9.

ETC.

“We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.

Relate to:

Pride Anger

Lust Envy

Gluttony Sloth

Greed

Fear List

“How it works”:Read from bottom of page 67, last paragraph, to the last paragraph of page 68. Follow those suggestions.

(You may pick up some from the Resentment List)

(Be sure to list those where there are NO resentments)

Column #1

Column #2

Column #3

MY FEARSWHY I HAVE THEMSOLUTION

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6,

7.

8.

Sex Problems List

“How it works”:Read from last paragraph, page 68 through third paragraph, to the last paragraph of page 70. Follow those suggestions.

“In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our

future sex life. We ask God …. The right answer will come,

if we want it.

Column #1

Column #2

Column #3

Column #4

Review of My own Conduct over the years past

Whom did I hurt

What should I have done instead?

Solution

Where was I:

· Selfish?

· Dishonest?

· Inconsiderate?

Where did I unjustifiably arouse:

· Jealously?

· Suspicion?

· Bitterness?

THE RELATIONSHIP:

(we got this all down on paper)

“We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided we do not bring about still more harm in so doing.”

“We asked God to mold our ideals and help us live up to them.

“We remember always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly, nor to be despised and loathed.

“We asked God.. in meditation we ask God what we should do about each specific matter.

“God alone can judge our sex situation.”

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Step 5 work paper

“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

After making your inventory, it shouldn’t be too difficult to admit wrongdoings to yourself or to

your Higher Power. But admitting these things to another person can be a very hard thing to do.

According to the Big Book, pages 72 -73, why does the alcoholic need to tell his or her story to

someone else? Write what the Big Book says is “the best reason.” Then list the other reasons.

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________ _____________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________ _______________________

______________________________________________________________________________

On page 73, starting on line 11, the Big Book says that more than other people; alcoholics lead a

double life. Alcoholics, in fact, are actors. They wa nt some people to see them one way (sober,

responsible, etc.,) while others see the drunken, out -of-control side. Because of this, it’s

especially hard for alcoholics or addicts to be totally honest with another person about this hidden

side of themselves.

But Step Five says alcoholics/addicts/co -dependents must be totally honest with another

person to overcome drinking or using other drugs. This means your next job is to find the

right person to tell your story to.

FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON

List every person you think might be a possibility for the job of listening to your story.

1. ____________________________________ 2. _______________________________

3. ____________________________________ 4. _______________________________

5. ______________________ ______________ 6. _______________________________

Look over your list.

Put a circle around the names of the people you think are trustworthy.

Put a check mark by the names of the people who think would be willing and available to

listen to you.

Put a star by the names of the people who share or would understand, either by their own

experience or on a professional level, your experiences as an alcoholic or other addict.

Put another star by the names of the people who are familiar with the Twelve Steps of AA .

Put a line through the name of anyone that would be hurt by or might judge you for anything

you’d be saying.

By now it should be clear which person would be the best to talk to about your life story.

Write that person’s name here________________________ ______

Do you still have any concerns about telling your story? If so, stop now and think of some ways to overcome your worries in order to make Step Five a success.

Now there is nothing left to do but to contact this person and set up a time to take Step Five – unless you have been unable to find someone you can trust right away and must postpone this temporarily (see the Big Book, page 74, lines 24-32, through page 75, lines 1-2). You have found someone who will listen to your story. You have figured out how to get past your fears and worries about talking to this person. Now is the time to go ahead and do it. You may need more than one appointment with him or her, but you should reserve at least three or four hours to begin.

On page 75, the Big Book gives exact directions on how to tell your story to another person. Read page 75, lines 3-12; then go and do it.

“Returning home we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour, carefully reviewing what we have done. Carefully reading the first five proposals (the first five steps) we ask.

1. Is our work solid so far?

2. Are the stones properly in place?

3. Have we skimped on the cement putting in the foundation?

4. Have we tried to make mortar without sand?

POSITVE CHANGES THAT WILL HAPPEN

Many types of changes will occur after you tell your story to another person. Look over the items below and put a check mark by those found on page 75 of the Big Book.

· We can look the world in the eye.

· We can get the job you always dreamed of.

· We can walk hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.

· We can be alone at perfect peace and ease.

· We can drink in a controlled way.

· We can forget about your Fourth Step inventory.

· We can begin to feel the nearness of the Creator.

· We can feel your fears fall away.

Look at the benefits you’ve checked. How do you feel about having these changes come into your life?

BUILDING AN ARCH TO FREEDOM

The Big Book says that by completing the first five steps, alcoholics “are building an arch” through which they will walk as a free man or woman.

They are no longer alone. There is a helpful listener, and a Higher Power. The rocks that made up the roadblock in your Fourth Step inventory have become the building blocks to a new way of living. The alcoholic or addict is therefore ready to continue the journey to growth and recovery.

On each of the building blocks of the new arch, write a few words that sum up what each of the first five steps has come to mean in your life.

Codependency

Step 6 Worksheet

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character”

Before going any further

Look again at the last paragraph on page 75 of the Big Book

After you’ve taken Step Five, what does the Big Book tell you to do?

Before you go ahead to Step Six, take some time to go back and review the character defects that you wrote in your inventories.

Did you leave anything out of your inventories? FORMCHECKBOX Yes FORMCHECKBOX No

Were you honest?

FORMCHECKBOX Yes FORMCHECKBOX No

Are your inventories thorough?

FORMCHECKBOX Yes FORMCHECKBOX No

If all your answers to these questions are yes, you are ready for Step Six—to let your Higher Power help you move forward. Here is the Sixth Step in the AA Twelve Step program.

Write your main defects of character, the ones that have caused you and other people the biggest problems. Pick out at least five. First, look back at your inventories and summary sheets to review your main character defect.

HANGING ON TO CHARACTER DEFECTS

· The Big Book, (page 76) says that the alcoholic (codependent) doesn’t always want to give up their defects. Sometimes it’s easier to sit in today’s pain than take a chance on something different. You know what your pain is like and you’ve learned to deal with it, but you don’t know what the future will be like without that pain.

· Another reason it may be hard to give up defects is that some character defects are fun. They may cause other people trouble and lead to restlessness and discontent for alcoholics/addicts/codependent, but they’re fun and you are unwilling to let them go.

· Some people worry that if a Higher Power removes all their defects, they won’t have any personality left at all. But some people don’t understand or believe that this will happen, so some alcoholics and other addicts cling to the defects they’ve come to know.

Are you hanging on to any of your defects for the reasons just listed? Or for other reasons? If so write about them here. (Use more paper if you need to.)

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________REPLACING CHARACTER DEPFECTS WITH CHARACTER STRENGTHS

Let’s take a closer look at one of the reasons why some alcoholics/addicts/codependents want to hang on to their character defects: their fear that they will end up with a “hole” in their personalities.

This simply won’t happen. Character defects will be replaced by character strengths. This means that where the defects used to be, you’ll find love, compassion, and the will of a Higher Power, peace, serenity, and happiness.

Fill in the blanks below starting with the new character strengths, then how you feel when you say it out loud to yourself. Use the extra space for more if needed.

I am filled with ______________________ and now I feel _______________________










Practice thinking of yourself with these qualities and strengths

Codependency

Step 7 work paper

“Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings”

When you understand fully that your character defects will be replaced by character strengths, you’re truly ready to have a Higher Power remove all of your old defects—and you have taken Step Six

From here on, it should not be hard to take the Seventh Step. First you were ready to ask, and now you will ask God as you understand God to remove your shortcomings, But how?

Working Step Seven—Asking

Read the prayer on page 76 (second paragraph) of the Big Book. Copy it in the following space, or write one of your own prayers, asking God to remove all of your shortcomings. Asking God is the most important part, not how you say it. Write what seems right to you; now practice reading your prayer quietly to yourself.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Once you’ve asked a Higher Power to take away your shortcomings, and once they’ve been replaced with new, positive traits, it’s time to begin putting them into practice in your everyday life. This requires action and discipline. As with any new skill, these new ways of thinking and treating people become easier with practice.

These new, positive traits are honesty, unselfishness, consideration, and courage. Practicing these traits in your daily life means that at first you may have to make yourself do what you don’t want to do, and not do what you do want to do. This takes daily commitment and hard work. Slowly, the new, positive traits will seem more natural

PRACTICING NEW, POSITIVE CHARACTER TRAITS

Look at the following chart. After each of the NEW CHARACTER TRAITS, write one SITUATION from your life in which you will be called upon to practice this new skill, perhaps one in which it has been the most difficult to practice in the past. For example, if you’ve been lying to your spouse for years about how you spend your pay check, that might be the SITUATION you’ll write about in the space next to BEING HONEST on the chart.

Under the NEW WAY heading, write in a few words how you plan to handle each SITUATION now that you’ve turned your old ways over to a Higher Power.

New Character TraitSituationNew Way

1. Being Honest

2. Being Unselfish

3. Being Considerate

4. Being Courageous

As you practice honesty, unselfishness, consideration, and courage, something amazing will start to happen. The old you will disappear and die and a new personality will take its place. And you’ll find this new personality and the new life that goes with it are far, far better than the life and personality you used to have.

As time goes on, and as you move on to the last five steps, you’ll see big changes in your life for the better. You will be on your way to what the Big Book describes (pages 75, lines 20-21) as “the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.”

Codependency

Step 8 work paper

“Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”

Notice that this Step has two parts: First, make a list of persons harmed; second, become willing to make amends. Let’s begin with the first part: making a list.

Making a list of the people you’ve harmed should be easy if you’ve thoroughly followed the Big Book’s directions. Most of the people’s names are probably on the lists you made in Step Four. Use the information on the personal inventories that you’ve already done to fill in the lists on the upcoming instructions for this step.

If you’ve used another method to complete your Fourth Step inventory, you may now need to list the names of all the people you’ve harmed by the wrongs, defects of character, and shortcomings you’ve admitted, written down, and turned over in Steps Four through Seven.

*First, write on a separate piece of paper the names of all the people you’ve listed on your Step Four inventory – the people you’ve harmed – and add names that may have somehow been left out.

MY NOW LIST

Make a list of the people you are willing to make amends to right away. These are people who will be the easiest for you to approach. We’ll call this first list the Now List. It is important to remember that the information on the list, such as an address and phone number, is only to help you contact the person to set up a face-to-face meeting. It means you’ll have everything you need to move ahead when the time comes. It does not mean that writing a letter or making a phone call will take the place of seeing the person you’ve harmed in person. That meeting must happen if at all possible.

NAME

ADDRESS/PHONE LIST

WHO COULD HELP ME FIND THIS PERSON?

MY SOONER OR LATER LIST

Now it is time to write list two. Let’s call this list the Sooner or Later List. Here you’ll write the names of people you may not feel you can talk with now about the harms you’ve done, but you know you’ll speak with them sooner or later.

NAME

ADDRESS/PHONE LIST


MY MAYBE LIST

Next comes list three, called the Maybe List, where you will list people you’re not sure you can ever make amends to.

NAME

ADDRESS/PHONE LIST


MY NEVER LIST

Finally, write the names on list four of people you feel you’ll never make amends to. This list will be called the never list. (use more paper if needed.)

Notice that the last column on the right has become a space for you to write why you feel you can never make amends to each person on the list. After you’ve worked through your first three lists, you’ll probably see the information in this column in a new light.

NAME

ADDRESS/PHONE LIST

WHY I CAN NEVER MAKE AMENDS?

STOP SIGNS

The second part of Step Eight says that you must become willing to make amends to all of the people on your list – no matter which list they’re on. What might stop you from being willing to make amends? You have given reasons on your Never List, but what else do you think some of the other people you need to talk to will do, say, think, or feel when you try to make amends?

On the lines on the following chart, write one name from each of the lists that you’ve completed, except for the Now List. Next to each name you’ll see the outline of a STOP sign. Inside that outline write what you think might stop you from going to see that person.

SOME POSSIBLE REASONS ARE:

· You hate the person

· You are divorced from the person

· You think the person will call the cops

· You owe him or her money

· You would be embarrassed

· You feel the person hurt you so badly that you don’t owe her/him anything

· You don’t want to talk about your recovery program

· You don’t want to get into an argument

For now, write nothing in the outline of the “Go” Arrows to the right of the STOP signs. When you’re done filling in the STOP signs, go on to the next part.

NAME

What Stops Me from

Going to this person?“Go” Arrow

____________________

List Two Name

(Sooner or Later List)

____________________

List Three Name

(Maybe List)

____________________

List Four Name

(Never List)

ASKING FOR A HIGHER POWER’S HELP

Here’s what you’ve done so far with step Eight:

· You’ve broken down your list of people to whom you have to make amends into four lists in order of difficulty

· You have a smaller list, written on the STOP signs, of some of the things that might stop you from making amends.

· You also know that the second part of Step Eight is to be willing to make amends. Willingness is, in fact, the key to the whole Step. But how can you be willing when making amends is such a difficult thing to do?

*In the Big Book there is a statement that may be of help in your becoming willing to make amends. Fill in the rest of the thought from page 76, lines 24-25, of the Big Book.

“IF WE HAVEN’T THE WILL TO DO THIS, _________________________.”

In other words, pray to your Higher Power for willingness and courage until they come. Nowhere in the Big Book does it say you have to make amends to everyone on your list at once. It will be a gradual, steady, ongoing process in which you make amends to one person at a time.

That’s why the four separate lists are important. You’ll start with the least difficult list (the Now List), and work you way to the hardest (the Never List). If at any time you need more courage, you can pray to your Higher Power and it will come.

When you begin to work with your lists, and as you understand the benefits that come from making amends, you’ll become more and more willing to make amends to everyone you’ve harmed.

With this in mind, you’re ready to move alone to Step Nine.

Codependency

Step 9 work paper

“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

The purpose for making amends is to help you get rid of the remorse, fear, and guilt that result from hurting people over the years. The Big Book clearly says that the alcoholic or addict needs to make direct Amends. In other words, you make your amends face-to-face with people you’ve harmed. This doesn’t mean that amends can never be made over the phone or in letter, but only when a face-to-face meeting in impossible.

There are several benefits to face-to-face contact:

· It opens up compassion and forgiveness in others

· You will know you have made your best effort

· You will have made amends in the same way you probably harmed others most face-to-face

MORE ABOUT THE VALUE OF FACE-TO-FACE CONTACT

Unless you meet with someone face-to-face, you’re never quite sure you’ve done your best to make things right with that person. There’s something about talking to someone in person that makes things go better, sometimes better than you ever expected.

Think of a time in your life when you had to say something very difficult to another person and when meeting with him/her face-to-face made a difference. Maybe you had to say you were sorry or give the person bad news. Describe how being with him/her in person made it more meaningful.

GO-AHEAD ARROWS

Read again carefully from line 18 on page 77 through line 13 on page 78 in the Big Book

You will find that you’re not alone in worrying about what people will do or say if you try to make amends. A wonderful thing about the Big Book is that the authors have been through what you have and are telling you exactly what worked for them.

Go back to your STOP sign concerns and worries and fill in the “Go” Arrows with any answers you’ve gained so that you can go ahead with your plan to make amends to each person. For example, if you wrote, “I hate this person” in the STOP sign, in the “Go” Arrow you might write, “I’ll go to this person and be as helpful and forgiving as I can. I can admit my bitter feelings and say I regret them.”

REPAYING DEBTS

Like making other kinds of amends, paying back money you owe doesn’t have to happen all at once. But you do need to be open and honest about your debts and make specific effort to repay them if you are to lose your fear of creditors. Otherwise, as the Big Book warns, you’ll be liable to drink (or use drugs) again.

The chart following provides a way for you to be specific about how you can repay your debts. Complete your chart as you work out a payment plan with each creditor. (Use more paper if needed.) As soon as you start repaying people, the fear associated with those people and your debts will disappear. Most creditors are happy to work with someone who makes a sincere effort to repay what’s owed.

Remember, the Big Book doesn’t say you “ought to lose your fear of creditors; it says you must (page 78, line 23).

Person or InstructionAmount OwedRepayment Schedule

(How much per month, per week, etc.)

To be paid off by

WORKING THE SECOND PART OF STEP NINE

The Big Book says we must ask for the strength and direction to make proper amends to everyone we’ve hurt (see page 79, lines 7-11 in the Big Book). Step Nine states that direct amends be made to people “except when to do so would injure them or others.” This might mean not telling someone about something you did to hurt him/her, because the confession might cause the person to be hurt even more. You, with your Higher Power’s guidance (that may come through a sponsor, counsellor, or trusted friend), will have to be the judge. For those people on your lists who may be further harmed if you admit your wrongs to them, you will admit to yourself and your Higher Power exactly what you’ve done wrong, and let it go at that.

There are also people on your list who absolutely will not see you, or who are impossible to see. The Big Book suggests an honest letter in such cases (page 83, lines 22-23).

Write the names of any people on your lists who you think would be hurt if you tried to make amends. Explain how you think each person would be hurt.

NameHow will the person be hurt?

Write the names of any people on your lists who you definitely feel will not be willing to meet with you. Explain why you feel this way.

Name

Why won’t the person see you?

Write the names of anyone on your lists that you can’t see and explain why. Perhaps the person had died or lives thousands of miles away.

Name

Why can’t you see this person?

It is important to remember that almost all amends can be made. That means these last three lists shouldn’t be very long. With the very few people to whom you’ll never be able to make amends face-to-face, it is important to remember that you were willing to do so. Willingness is the key. If they refuse to see you or are physically unavailable to see you, you’ll know you have honestly done your part. Once you’ve done what you can with these names you can cross them off your main lists.

You have now made four lists to use for making amends, a schedule to repay your debts, and you’ve looked in the Big Book, and you’ve used your Higher Power’s help, for an answer to every problem you thought might stop you from making amends. It is time now to begin contacting the people on your list.

Making Amends

Take another look at the four lists you made, beginning with the Now List.

· Make amends to the first person on your Now List, followed by the second person, and so forth.

· Make amends to every person on your Now List. By the time you’ve finished, you’ll probably be ready to start on your Sooner or Later List.

· Do the same thing with your Sooner or Later List that you did with your first list. Start with the first name on the Sooner or Later List, and make amends to that person. Go down that list until you’ve finished.

· When you’ve finished with the Sooner or Later List, you ought to be ready to do your Maybe List.

· When you’ve completed your Maybe List, you’ll have the courage and compassion to go out and make amends to the people you thought you’d never be able to face. So go ahead and begin with your final list, the Never List. Make amends to each of the people on this list.

Remember that all of this doesn’t have to be and can’t be done all at once. Making amends is a slow, gradual, ongoing process.

PROMISES

From page 83 (line 29) to page 84 (line11), the Big Book lists the wonderful things that will have happened to you when you’ve carefully worked these first Nine Steps. Read those promises again now.

List at least five of those promises below, and describe how each of them is beginning to come true in your life. You may need to come back to this page as time goes on to fill in more examples of how your life is improving. If you wish to write about more of the promises, use a separate sheet of paper.

Big Book Promise

Example from my life

1.

1.

2.

2.

3.

3.

4.

4.

5.

5.

Codependency

Step 10 worksheet

“Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”

In Step Ten you’ll continue to take personal inventory. The purpose of doing this is so you can continue to grow spiritually. It’s not possible to just stay the same, and this is especially true for the alcoholic/addicts/codependents. Unless you move forward, you’ll slip backward toward the insanity of the illness of the mind/body/spirit. If this idea is left unchallenged, you’ll surely revert to your disease and progression toward death.

It should be pretty obvious from all of this that moving ahead spiritually is essential to recovery. By working Step Ten on a daily basis, you also work Steps Four through Nine on a daily basis for the rest of your life and keep yourself spiritually fit and growing.

Now stop and read page 84, line 16, to page 85, line 23, in your Big Book.

WHAT THE BIG BOOK SAYS ABOUT STEP TEN

There are several key ideas in the Big Book’s description of Step Ten. Use your own words to tell what the following phrases from the Big Book might mean in your life.

“We have entered the world of the Spirit.”

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“We have ceased fighting anything or anyone.”

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.”

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NINE QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU WORK STEP TEN

The “personal inventory of Step Ten need not be a written one, but perhaps the following questions might help you direct and organize your daily thoughts and reflections in a more meaningful way.

Use the following questions to look at the past twenty-four hours. Briefly fill in your responses to each question either in your mind or on this worksheet.

1.How may I have harmed myself or someone else today? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2.Which of my character defects caused me to do those harmful things?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3.How was I selfish, dishonest, resentful, or fearful?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

4.Did I ask my Higher Power to remove my selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear as soon as I was aware of them? ___________________ What is left for my Higher Power to remove?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

5.Did I admit my mistakes promptly and make amends? ____________

What do I still need to take care of?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

6.How often during the day was I feeling gratitude, and how often was I feeling self-pity?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

7.What good did I do today?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

8.How was I loving and compassionate?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

9.Who did I help today, and how?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“THY WILL (NOT MINE) BE DONE”

The Big Book says on page 85, line 18-19, that each day we “must carry the vision of God’s will into all of (their) activities.” To express this thought, write the short suggested prayer on page 85, lines 19-20 of the Big Book, or write your own prayer.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Following the prayer on page 85, lines 19-20, the Big Book says that “we can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of will.” This means that your Higher Power—God as you understand God—will help with all areas of your life.

THE BETTER-LIFE PIE

The main areas of life appear on the pie shape that follows. These are the things that take time, energy, and attention in the lives of most people. We’ll call it the Better-Life Pie—a life free from an obsession with alcohol and other drugs.

On each slice of the Better-Life Pie, draw a picture or describe in a few words how working Steps One through Ten have made your life saner, happier, freer, and more productive without Codependency behaviors.

CELEBRATE!

You are living a life without codependency, a life that is better in many ways. You

are no longer ruled by the obsession fix others. You’ve regained sanity and begun

to grow in the fourth dimension of living: the dimension of the spirit. It’s time to

celebrate! Do you feel like you deserve a celebration? If not, what’s still

blocking your good feelings about yourself and your Twelve Step program? What

Steps do you need to rework to remove those blocks?

When you’re ready to celebrate, what kind of celebration would you like to have? It doesn’t have to be a party or involve a lot of people—it can be anything you want it to be, according to your mood or personality. Who else might be there? What would make it special for you? Describe your celebration below in words or with a drawing. Then go ahead and make it happen.

Codependency

Step 11 worksheet

“Sought through payer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”

Before continuing, open your Big Book on page 85, line 24, and read to the end of Chapter 6 on page 88.

At first, many people draw a blank or come up with a big question mark when they read about the importance of prayer and meditation. Or maybe they remember the prayer that they used over and over when they were drinking: “God, get me out of this mess and I swear I’ll never do it again!” That’s a typical prayer and is pretty much the extent of a lot of people’s praying lives before coming to 12-Step programming. As for meditation, most knew nothing at all about it.

It wasn’t until they began working the Twelve Steps that most people saw prayer as a way to receive the will of a Higher Power into their lives. It never occurred to them to even want to receive that will and carry it out. For many, prayer was used to approach God with a list of their petty wants and ask for this thing and that thing, trying to sway God’s will to suit their own.

Let’s take a minute and look at what you think about prayer and meditation.

FIVE QUESTION ABOUT PRAYER AND MEDITATION

Answer the following questions about prayer and meditation in the spaces provided.

1. What do you think of when you think of prayer?

________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________

2. What do you think of when you think of meditation?

________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________

3. How have you used prayer and meditation before?

________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________

4. What kind of experience did you have the last time you prayed? Helpful? Unhelpful? Frustrating? Comforting? Describe.

________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________

5. What kind of experience did you have the last time you meditated? Helpful? Unhelpful? Frustrating? Comforting? Describe.

________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________

The Big Book recognizes that many people may be confused by prayer and meditation

and, due to past experiences, are reluctant to try. On pages 86-88, the Big Book gives

you specific ways to overcome your resistance to prayer and meditation. You can

teach yourself to do them. Within those directions, prayer is described as a

constructive review, a request for inspiration, and humbly asking your Higher Power to

make its will know.

A GUIDE TO REVIEWING YOUR DAY

To help you make a constructive review of each day, the Big Book offers specific

questions and suggestions on pages 86-88. In the three main areas that follow,

you’ll be asked to write down these questions and suggestions. Each of these main

areas cover one of the three times you’ll use prayer and meditation during a twenty

four hour period: when you do to bed, when you wake up, and during the day.

When you’re done writing, pick a day and try using this list to structure your thoughts

and to answer the questions either to yourself or by writing them if you wish.

Seven questions to ask when I go to bed. (See Big Book, page 86, lines 5-18.)

1.________________________________________________________________

2._________________________________________________________

3._________________________________________________________

4._________________________________________________________

5._________________________________________________________

6.________________________________________________________

7._________________________________________________________

When I wake up, what will I be asking, God to help me with for the day ahead? (See Big Book, page 86 through page 87, line 19.)

1.________________________________________________________________

2._________________________________________________________

3._________________________________________________________

4._________________________________________________________

During the day…(See Big Book, page 87. Line 31, through page 88, line 7.)

1. When agitated or doubtful I will

___________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

2. I will constantly remind myself

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

3. And will humbly say to myself as often as I need to

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

The following is one prayer some AA members have found useful

THE PRAYER OF SAINT FRANCIS

“Lord, (you may substitute God, Higher Power, etc. if you

wish) make me a channel of thy peace—that where there

is hatred, I may bring love—that where there is

discord, I may bring harmony—that where there is error,

I may bring truth—that where there is doubt, I may bring

faith—that where there is despair, I may bring hope—that

where there are shadows, I may bring light—that where

there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may

seek rather to comfort than to be comforted—to under-

stand, rather than to be understood—to love, than to be

loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by

forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one

awakens to Eternal Life. Amen.”

--Reprinted from Twelve Steps and

Twelve Traditions, page 99

PRAYER AND MEDITATION LOG

Recovery is a process that is lived one day at a time. Each of these days should involve prayer and meditation. It may help to use a prayer and meditation schedule or log, especially if you’re just starting out. An example of a prayer meditation log follows. Use extra paper or design your own chart.

PRAYER AND MEDITATION LOG

Date _______________ Place _______________ Time _____________

Thoughts and feelings that block prayer and meditation

South Central Health District€¦ · Web viewStep Workbook Based on Big Book Of Alcoholics...

Documents

Transcript of South Central Health District€¦ · Web viewStep Workbook Based on Big Book Of Alcoholics...