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Transcript of Soho Cinders Libretto Vocal Book Jw June 2015 - Perusal
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SOHOCINDERS
an urban musical fable
Music by GEORGE STILES
Lyrics by ANTHONY DREWE
Book by ANTHONY DREWE and ELLIOT DAVIS
LIBRETTO / VOCAL BOOK
Josef Weinberger
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SOHO CINDERS
© Copyright 2015 by George Stiles, Anthony Drewe and Elliot Davis
Edition © Copyright 2015 by Josef Weinberger Ltd., London
All Rights ReservedPHOTOCOPYING THIS COPYRIGHT MATERIAL IS ILLEGAL
Applications to perform this work must be made,
BEFORE REHEARSALS COMMENCE, to:
JOSEF WEINBERGER LIMITED
12 - 14 Mortimer Street
London W1T 3JJ
United Kingdom
Tel: +44 (0)20 7580 2827
Fax: +44 (0)20 7436 9616
www.josef-weinberger.com
This edition: June 2015
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SOHO CINDERS
Cast
NARRATOR
ROBBIE – A young man
VELCRO – a young single mum, Robbie's best friend
LORD BELLINGHAM – An industrial tycoon
CLODAGH / DANA – Robbie's ugly stepsisters
JAMES PRINCE – A London Mayoral candidate
MARILYN PLATT – James' ancée
WILLIAM GEORGE – James' tyrannical campaign manager
SASHA – William's assistant
SIDESADDLE – Westminster bike hire manager, Robbie and Velcro's friend
ENSEMBLE
Photographers, Crowd, Launderette Customers,
Party Guests, Members of the Press, etc.
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Musical Numbers
ACT ONE
1. Old Compton Street (Velcro, Robbie, Clodagh & Dana, Ensemble)
2. Wishing For The Normal (Velcro, Robbie)
2a. Wishing For The Normal – Scene Change (Instrumental )
3. Spin ( James, William, Sasha, Ensemble)
4. Gypsies Of The Ether (Robbie, James)
4a. Gypsies Of The Ether – Tag ( James, Robbie)
5. I'm So Over Men (Dana, Clodagh)
5a. I'm So Over Men – Reprise (Dana, Clodagh)
6. Remember Us (Marilyn, James)
6a. Old Compton Street – Reprise (Lord Bellingham)
7. It's Hard To Tell (Velcro, Robbie, Ensemble)
7a. It's Hard To Tell – Fade (Instrumental )
8. You Shall Go To The Ball (Velcro, Sidesaddle, Dana, Clodagh,
Lord Bellingham, Robbie, Marilyn, William, James, Ensemble)
ACT TWO
9. Entr'acte (Ensemble)
10. Who's That Boy? (Ensemble, William, Clodagh, Dana, Marilyn)
11. Glass Slippers (Robbie)
11a. Spin – Reprise (Marilyn)
11b. Underscore into The Tail That Wags (Instrumental )
12. The Tail That Wags The Dog (William, Sasha, Ensemble)
13. Let Him Go (Velcro, Marilyn)
13a. Wishing For The Normal – Reprise (Velcro)
13b. Remember Us – Reprise ( James, Marilyn)
14. Fifteen Minutes (Clodagh, Dana, Ensemble)
15. Finale (Marilyn, Robbie, James, Velcro)
16. Bows (Company )
17. Playout (Instrumental )
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SOHO CINDERS 1
SOHO CINDERSACT ONE
SCENE ONE – Old Compton Street
A soundscape of London noises – taxis, buses, crowds. Musical intro to ’OldCompton Street’ starts. The sound of our NARRATOR’S voice is heard for the rsttime.
NARRATOR Old Compton Street, Soho. That promiscuous potpourri. Thatmetropolitan municence. That glittering back passage. It’s7pm on a fairly ordinary Spring evening. Theatregoers rubshoulders with prostitutes. Local businessman, on their wayhome, are having one last drink as they collide with a youngercrowd arriving for their rst.
(The COMPANY start to assemble.)
Velcro, a young single mum, is making her way back to thelaunderette where she works.
Music No. 1 – OLD COMPTON STREET
VELCRO
JOIN THE PARTY ON OLD COMPTON STREETFEEL THE PAVEMENT THROB BENEATH YOUR FEETTAKE A SEAT, WATCH THE SHOWNOTHING’S NORMAL ON OLD COMPTON STREETDRESS INFORMAL AS YOU JUMP ABOARD, STEP INSIDEURGES WILL BE SATISFIEDHERE WHERE LIFE IS SWEETOLD COMPTON STREET
ENSEMBLE SOLO GIRL
LIFE’S A CIRCUS ON OLD COMPTON STREETPUNKS AND ROCKERS AND THE RICH ELITEDRINK AND EAT, SIDE BY SIDE
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ACT ONE2
TWO GIRLS & ONE BOY
FUN’S CONTAGIOUS ON OLD COMPTON STREET
IT’S OUTRAGEOUS
THERE ARE BOYS FOR BOYSBOYS FOR GIRLS
BOYS FOR OLD MEN WEARING PEARLS
ALL ENSEMBLE
NO-ONE’S OBSOLETE
OLD COMPTON STREET
NARRATOR (Out front.) Elsewhere, Velcro’s best friend, Robbie, emerges
from the doorway of a posh restaurant.
ROBBIE That was lovely.
LORD BELLINGHAM Are you sure you won’t come for a drink?
ROBBIE Sorry, I’ve got to get to work.
LORD BELLINGHAM People’s washing can wait.
ROBBIE Yeah, but my rent won’t.
LORD BELLINGHAM Let me help you out.
(He produces a wad of banknotes from his pocket.)
ROBBIE George, please – you just bought me dinner.
LORD BELLINGHAM It gives me pleasure. Will you allow me that?
ROBBIE (Reluctantly.) Thank you.
LORD BELLINGHAM So, when will I see you?
ROBBIE You’ve got my number. Just call.
(LORD BELLINGHAM kisses ROBBIE on the cheek. ROBBIE make his
way towards the launderette.)
LORD BELLINGHAM (Under his breath.) Oh, Robbie.
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SOHO CINDERS 3
ROBBIE (with Ensemble hums)
WITHIN THIS MELTING POT
SOME HAVE AND SOME HAVE NOT
A PIZZA BASE YOU STUMBLE UPON
WITH EVERYTHING ON
ALL
EVERY FLAVOUR
ROBBIE & ENSEMBLE
TRY A SLICE OF LIFE OLD COMPTON STREET
SEE THE FLIES THAT SWARM AROUND THE MEATTRICK OR TREAT
ALL
WHO CAN SAY?
NARRATOR In the at above the launderette, Dana and Clodagh appear in
a window. They are sisters. They are ugly . . .
(CLODAGH and DANA start throwing ROBBIE’s possessions out of
the window.)
ROBBIE Hey, hey . . . what are you doing?
CLODAGH Heads!
(She drops a cardboard box.)
ROBBIE That’s my stuff.
(ROBBIE starts searching in the box.)
DANA We’ve changed the locks. You’re evicted.
ROBBIE But it’s my at. Where’s Mum?
DANA Just on her way down.
(DANA produces an urn containing Robbie’s mother’s ashes.)
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ACT ONE4
DANA Heads!
ROBBIE Don’t you dare! Lucky me having stepsisters like you. Twins.
Not identical but equally unpleasant. You can’t do this?
CLODAGH We just have. And we’re getting it fumigated. We don’t want to
catch gay.
DANA And that’s not all. When Dad gets out of prison he wants the
launderette back too.
CLODAGH But until then you’ve got to keep paying.
DANA Ooh, what was that?
CLODAGH What?
DANA I just felt the rent creeping up.
ROBBIE But the launderette was Mum’s.
CLODAGH Yes it was. But it’s not anymore is it? (To the urn.) Because silly
Mummy didn’t leave a will, or had you forgotten?
DANA He’d forget his balls if they weren’t in a bag. Heads!
(She drops the urn into ROBBIE’S outstretched hands.)
CLODAGH & DANA
PICK YOUR POISON ON OLD COMPTON STREET
GIRLS AND BOYS ON SHOW AND GAY OR STRAIGHT OR STILL UNSURE
EVERY TASTE IS CATERED FOR
ALL
HERE WHERE ALL WORLDS MEET
OLD COMPTON STREET
NARRATOR There’s a commotion outside The Prince Edward Theatre
where Adele Darzeen is starring in “Frozen 5 – the Frigid
Fanny.” James Prince, a London Mayoral candidate, and his
ancée Marilyn Platt arrive at the theatre.
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SOHO CINDERS 5
WILLIAM Here they are, right on cue.
SASHA ( As BIG ISSUE SELLER.) Big Issue. Big Issue.
(WILLIAM, the Mayoral campaign manager approaches the BIG
ISSUE SELLER and moves her into a doorway.)
WILLIAM Here might be a better position.
( A PRESS PHOTOGRAPHER squeezes past.)
SASHA ( As BIG ISSUE SELLER.) Big Issue, Big Issue.
(WILLIAM deliberately steers JAMES towards the BIG ISSUE SELLER.)
JAMES Damn. I haven’t got any change. But here’s a ver.
( A camera ashes as the PRESS PHOTOGRAPHER gets his picture.
JAMES and MARILYN enter the theatre with a parting wave to the
crowd.)
WILLIAM Job done.
CROWD
WE LOVE TO SPOT CELEBRITIES
AND NOBODY CAN BLAME US
THOUGH ALL TOO OFTEN WE FORGET
THE REASON WHY THEY’RE FAMOUS
BUT ROLLING THE RED CARPET OUT
IS BOUND TO CAUSE A BUZZ
AND THEN WE STOP AND RUBBERNECK
COS EVERYBODY DOESALL
CATCH THE RHYTHM OF OLD COMPTON STREET
WHERE THE BRIGHT YOUNG THINGS TURN UP THE HEAT
POUND THE BEAT, NO HOLDS BARRED
ROBBIE (with Ensemble hums)
ALL CITIES HAVE THE SAME
ONE STREET THAT KNOWS NO SHAME
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ACT ONE6
A BRIGHT FACADE WHOSE SURFACE IS THINBUT HARD AS A NAIL
ALLSCRATCH IT AND SNIFFBUT NEVER INHALEHEADS ARE TURNING ON OLD COMPTON STREET
VELCRO
OLD COMPTON STREET
ALL
EARS ARE BURNING WHILE THE ENDLESS STREAM PASSES BYRAINBOW FLAGS ARE FLYING HIGHTRY A SLICE OF LIFE,
SIDESADDLE / VELCRO
TRY A SLICE OF LIFE,
ALL
EVERY VICE IS RIFE
SIDESADDLE / VELCRO
EVERY VICE IS RIFE
ALL
HERE WHERE ALL WORLDS MEETOLD COMPTON STREET
SCENE TWO – Inside ’Sit and Spin’
NARRATOR Velcro is working in the launderette, ’Sit and Spin’. Surroundedby stacked washing machines and tumble dryers she “multi-tasks” – folding clothes whilst chatting to her friend, aWestminster bike rental manager known affectionately as"Sidesaddle".
(VELCRO holds up a tiny item of child’s clothing.)
VELCRO Ah, that’s so sweet.
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SOHO CINDERS 7
SIDESADDLE Sweet but expensive. They grow out of them so quick.
VELCRO Seems like only yesterday Becky was this size. Hey, I could
bring you in some of her old stuff if you don’t mind hand-medowns.
SIDESADDLE Mind? I’d love it. Now how much do I owe you for this lot.
VELCRO That’ll be eight fty.
(SIDESADDLE rummages in her pockets.)
SIDESADDLE Damn, that’s going to wipe me out. I’m gonna need a couple
more rides in my rickshaw. (Offers her some coins.)
VELCRO (Sympathetically.) Oh, Sidesaddle.
SIDESADDLE Can I give you the rest later?
(ROBBIE enters the launderette carrying a large cardboard box.)
ROBBIE Don’t worry about it – for you it’s half price.
(SIDESADDLE picks up her laundry and kisses ROBBIE. ROBBIE
dumps the box on the ground, then exits again.)
SIDESADDLE Thanks, Rob. I owe you. Have they opened Frith Street yet?
They’d shut the road. By the theatre.
VELCRO Oh for that James Prince! That Mayor guy.
ROBBIE (Re-entering with a suitcase.) He’s not Mayor yet. D’you know,
I used to have a poster of him by my bed, when he was aswimmer?
SIDESADDLE Lovely. Just imagine waking up next to that. I’ll see you later.
(SIDESADDLE exits.)
VELCRO Hey what’s all this?
ROBBIE (Collecting another item from outside.) They’ve kicked me out.
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ACT ONE8
VELCRO Who?
ROBBIE Dumb and dumber. Can I stay with you for a bit?
VELCRO ’Course you can. You know how Becky loves you.
ROBBIE Just till I get myself sorted.
(He carefully places his mother’s urn on a shelf.)
And that’s not all. They’ve put the rent up on this place.
VELCRO This whole thing with Les makes me sick. It was your Mum’s
launderette. It would’ve gone under if it wasn’t for us. Ofcourse she’d have left it to you, but . . .
ROBBIE . . . the lawyer said there’s no Will. So it’s my step-father’s.
End of.
VELCRO Well they can’t just put the rent up.
ROBBIE Who’s to stop them? And when he gets out of the nick he
wants the whole place back anyway.
VELCRO Great! So where are we gonna go?
ROBBIE Well you could go back to Staines.
VELCRO You ’avin a laugh?
ROBBIE There are worse places.
VELCRO I spent half me life trying to get out of Staines, and now here Iam in a launderette trying to get stains out.
ROBBIE You don’t have to work in Soho.
VELCRO It’s the dirtiest place in the world. The sheets that come in here
are so full of bodily uids I could wring ’em out and start a
fertility clinic.
ROBBIE Mum knew what she was doing when she opened this place.
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SOHO CINDERS 9
VELCRO I miss her you know. It was so hard when she didn’t really
remember me . . . not at the end.
ROBBIE She was an angel. Till Les clipped her wings.
VELCRO Well what we need right now is a fairy godmother.
(ROBBIE takes the cash BELLINGHAM gave him from his pocket .)
Where’d you get that money from? You still seeing that guy?
ROBBIE Yes and no.
VELCRO Which?
ROBBIE It’s complicated.
VELCRO He must be loaded. Don’t screw this one up. Has he got a
brother? Without the gay gene?
ROBBIE Don’t sound so desperate! Mr. Right will come along someday
’Cro. If I was straight I’d go out with you like a shot.
VELCRO If I’d have you. Nah, ain’t gonna happen, fag hag to the West
End, that’s me. How hard can it be? I just want to settle down.
ROBBIE Ditto. We share the same dream. I just want to wake up beside
the same man for the next thirty years.
Music No. 2 – WISHING FOR THE NORMAL
VELCRO So do I. Someone to tell me I’m doing alright.
ROBBIE Someone to tell me when I’m being a twat.
VELCRO You’re being a twat.
ROBBIE Yeah, but not you.
VELCRO I’ve never wanted a lot. Just my own special someone. And a
father for Becky.
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ACT ONE10
VELCRO
JUST IMAGINE POURING YOUR CORNFLAKES
LOOKING UP AND SOMEONE’S THERE
SOMEONE YOU HAVE JUST SPENT THE NIGHT WITHSOMEONE’S LIFE YOU’RE PROUD TO SHARE
HAVEN’T PUT MY FACE ON
HAVEN’T DONE MY HAIR
HAVEN’T HAD TO WORRY
AS IT’S HIM STANDING THERE
ROBBIE
JUST IMAGINE OUT ON THE DANCE FLOOR
TURNING ROUND AND THERE HE IS
IT’S YOUR MAN – THE ONE YOU CAME IN WITH
THREE YEARS ON, YOUR HAND IN HIS
LIVING IN A SEMI
MAYBE HAVE A CAT
NOTHING THAT’S TOO FANCY
TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT
BOTH
WISHING FOR THE NORMAL KIND OF DREAM
NOTHING TOO EXCESSIVE OR EXTREME
HOPING FOR THE HUMDRUM – IS THAT AIMING HIGH?
OTHERS SEEM TO FIND IT
TELL ME WHY ON EARTH CAN’T I?
WISHING FOR THE NORMAL KIND OF DREAM
TROUBLE IS THEY’RE HARDER THAN THEY SEEM
AM I TOO AMBITIOUS?
AM I OUT OF TOUCH?AM I WISHING FOR TOO MUCH?
(ROBBIE’S phone rings. His face lights up.)
VELCRO Who is it?
ROBBIE It’s him! Hello . . .
VELCRO Ask about the brother.
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SOHO CINDERS 11
ROBBIE Shush! No not you. I’m just at work. Yeah sure. I’d love to.Usual time. By the lions. Alright. Go. Go . . .
(ROBBIE hangs up.)
VELCRO By the lions! What is he a zoo keeper?
ROBBIE ’Cro, Leave it.
VELCRO I never knew zookeepers earned that much.
ROBBIE You’ll meet him when the time is right.
VELCRO Feeding time?
ROBBIE Cro! Leave it!
VELCRO You really like him don’t you?
ROBBIE Yes. I really like him. It’s just so hard.
VELCRO Spare me the details!
ROBBIE I mean it’s hard to get together. He’s so busy – it’s texts. It’sSkype. Then when I do see him, I just want more . . .
JUST IMAGINE COOKING LASAGNELIKE THOSE ADVERTS ON TV
VELCRO SITTING ON OUR FAKE-LEATHER SOFABABIES BOUNCING ON MY KNEE
ROBBIELIVING WITHIN REASONLOVING WHEN I CANFEELING I AM SOMEONE NOT SOME SAD ALSO RAN
VELCRO
JUST IMAGINE MOWING THE LAWN
ROBBIE
JUST IMAGINE POPPING SOME CORN
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ACT ONE12
VELCRO
JUST IMAGINE BREAKFAST IN BED
ROBBIE JUST IMAGINE OWNING A SHED
VELCRO
JUST IMAGINE DOING THE SCHOOL RUN
ROBBIE
GOING FOR PICNICS
VELCRO
KEEPING A GOLDISH
BOTH
WISHING WISHING
HOPING FOR THE HUMDRUM – IS THAT AIMING HIGH?
OTHERS SEEM TO FIND IT
TELL ME WHY OH WHY OH WHY CAN’T I?
WISHING FOR THE NORMAL KIND OF DREAM
TROUBLE IS THEY’RE HARDER THAN THEY SEEM
VELCRO
GOING TO A NIGHTCLUB
CINEMAS AND SUCH
ROBBIE
EATING IN NICE RESTAURANTS
HAPPY TO GO DUTCH
BOTH
AM I TOO AMBITIOUS?
AM I OUT OF TOUCH?
AM I WISHING FOR TOO MUCH?
ROBBIE
JUST IMAGINE CLEANING THE VOLVO
VELCRO
JUST IMAGINE PLANTING A ROSEBUSH
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SOHO CINDERS 13
ROBBIE
JUST IMAGINE HAVING A MORTGAGE
VELCRO
JUST IMAGINE KEEPING A GOLDFISH
ROBBIE A goldsh?
VELCRO Yeah. I won one once. At a funfair. Throwing ping pong balls in
a jam jar.
ROBBIE You saddo.
Music No. 2 – WISHING FOR THE NORMAL – SCENE CHANGE
SCENE THREE – James Prince’s campaign headquarters
NARRATOR The campaign headquarters of James Prince is a hive of
activity, and above the madness James’ campaign manager, the
tyrannical William George, holds court. William and Sasha are
reading a paper.
WILLIAM Not a bad piece on page 5 – “The Prince And The Pauper”. I
love that Editor – last week I threatened to chop his balls off,
this week we’re picking out curtains together in Laura Ashley.
(JAMES and MARILYN enter carrying a copy of the same paper.)
JAMES Don’t I look a bit smug?
(JAMES then notices SASHA.)
You! The Big Issue seller?
WILLIAM Ah, James, meet my new assistant, Tea.
JAMES Tea?
SASHA Hi, it’s Sasha. He calls me Tea . . .
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ACT ONE14
WILLIAM Or to give her her full name. Tea, milk and two sugars.
Hyphenated.
MARILYN Unbelievable.
JAMES (Turning on WILLIAM.) I thought we agreed . . .
WILLIAM Look. (Holding up paper.) You. Helping the homeless. Page 5.
That’s all the matters.
JAMES (To WILLIAM.) I’ll have my ver back!
WILLIAM (To SASHA.) Give it to him, Tea.
(JAMES gestures to SASHA to forget it.)
Job description is Campaign Manager. Let me manage. I know
what I’m doing.
JAMES If you say so.
WILLIAM I don’t say so, I know so. I don’t think, I do. Page 5 is pretty
good for a piece like that. Now we just have to ll in the pages
in between – Marilyn, I don’t suppose you’d consider a page 3?
MARILYN Very funny! As if anyone would be interested in my old
carcass.
(MARILYN looks to JAMES expecting him to refute this, but he
doesn’t until she prompts him.)
Hey!
JAMES Well I am.
WILLIAM There speaks the politician. Tea. Schedule. Now.
SASHA William, please. No more. It’s Sasha. You’re on the Good
Morning Britain sofa at 9.00am. Then 12 noon London Fire
Brigade.
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SOHO CINDERS 15
WILLIAM Good. Hang out with heroes makes you look tough. Ooh, and
there’ll be a pole. Marilyn – pole dancing opp.
MARILYN Misogynistic, sexist and insulting. You should have a lie down.
WILLIAM Tea, fancy a lie down?
MARILYN I’m a lawyer. One word. Tribunal.
SASHA I’m alright.
MARILYN (To JAMES.) I’m due in Chambers. I’ll see you later.
WILLIAM ( As MARILYN exits.) Think about what we said. Maybe have a
Brazilian.
(MARILYN ignores WILLIAM and leaves. WILLIAM calls after her.)
You can’t do Page 3 looking like a privet hedge.
JAMES William, page 5 is all well and good. But what if someone
nds out that the person I was photographed with actually
works for us.
WILLIAM It’s all publicity.
JAMES How we run the campaign reects how we will run City Hall. I
don’t want anything to be fake.
WILLIAM You’re not doing it. I am. That’s the difference. It’s not my job
to keep clean – it’s my job to make sure you are London’s next
Mayor.
JAMES That poster slogan reects how I want to run London. With
honesty.
Music No. 3 – SPIN
WILLIAM James . . .
JAMES We’ll talk on the way.
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ACT ONE16
JAMES
HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG WITH HONEST?HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG WITH SIMPLE TRUTH
PLAIN TALKING – THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE WANTSINCE WHEN DID DECENCY BECOME OLD-FASHIONEDHIDDEN BY A SMOKE SCREEN OF CLICHE?I PROMISED THAT I’D PLAY IT STRAIGHTBUZZ WORDS WILL JUST HAVE TO WAITI INTEND TO WIN THE RACE IN MY OWN WAY
WILLIAM They all think they can do it on their own.
JAMESHOW CAN YOU GO WRONG WITH HONEST?HOW CAN YOU GIVE WAY TO LIES AND SLEAZE?I ASK YOU – WHAT IS THERE TO GAIN?AND WHO MADE ARROGANCE A JOB REQUIREMENTFOR THE PUBLIC SERVANTS WE ELECT?WHO THINK THAT ONCE IN CITY HALLSOMEHOW THEY’RE ABOVE IT ALLI THINK LONDONERS DESERVE FAR MORE RESPECT
WILLIAM
AT THE END OF THE DAY IT’S ALL ABOUT A CROSS IN A BOXYOU MAY BE THE OARSMAN BUT REMEMBER I’M THE COXI’LL STEER YOU TO VICT’RYTHROUGH ALL THE BIG DEBATESDOWN STREAMTHAT DREAM OFFICE AWAITS
SASHA & OFFICE WORKERSSPINSPIN OUT OF CONTROLSIGN THE PAPERWORK AND SELL YOUR SOULSPINDOCTOR EVERY WORD YOU SAYSPIN UNTIL YOU WIN THE DAY
NARRATOR With that, and a modicum of tastefully applied make-up forthe cameras, James is off to the TV studios for another round
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SOHO CINDERS 17
of gruelling interviews from a variety of forgettable presenters
sitting on an array of tasteless sofas which go some way to
explain why DFS has a sale on every day of the year.
JAMES
HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG WITH HONEST?
HOW CAN YOU CONDONE TURNING BLIND EYES?
I PROMISE MINE WILL LOOK AHEAD
AND WHEN WAS AVARICE DECREED AN ART FORM?
I’LL ENSURE CORRUPTION IS STAMPED OUT
BUT ISSUES LIKE THESE HAVE TO WAIT
VOTERS MUST FIRST CHOSE MY FATE
BUT AS MAYOR OF LONDON WILL I HAVE THE CLOUT?
WILLIAM
AT THE END OF THE DAY IT’S ALL ABOUT A CROSS IN A BOX
CREATE OPPORTUNITY, DON’T WAIT UNTIL IT KNOCKS
WE’RE BUILDING YOUR PROFILE
ENHANCE IT IN THE PRESS
GREAT QUOTESEARN VOTES, INSTANT SUCCESS
ENSEMBLE
SPINSPIN AT EVERY TURNCOMMON DECENCY CAN CRASH AND BURNSPINKEEP THAT IMAGE CLEAN AND SLICKMAKE SURE THAT THE DIRT CAN’T STICK . . .
NARRATOR William receives a phone call from one of the main sponsorsof the Mayoral campaign, industry tycoon Lord Bellingham.
(WILLIAM takes a call on his mobile.)
LORD BELLINGHAM William, I’m looking at this guest list. This fundraiser is not justabout you squeezing money out of people, it’s about havingthe right people there who you can squeeze in the future.
WILLIAM And . . .
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ACT ONE18
LORD BELLINGHAM And you and I may not share the same idea about who isthe right sort of person. My money, my ofce, my guest list.Agreed?
WILLIAM Agreed.
LORD BELLINGHAM Last push before the nominations close. The people at this ’do’could make or break this campaign.
WILLIAM & ENSEMBLESPINSPIN OUT OF CONTROL
SIGN THE PAPERWORK AND SELL YOUR SOULSPINDOCTOR EVERY WORD YOU SAYSPIN UNTIL YOU WIN THE DAYSELL YOUR SOUL, IT’S GONNA PAYSPIN A WEB FOR IN A WEB THE SPIDER WILL ENSNARE HIS PREY
WILLIAM
SPIN UNTIL YOU WIN THE DAY
ENSEMBLE
SPIN, SPIN, SPIN
(It’s the end of day , JAMES goes to leave.)
WILLIAM Oy, it’s not a 9 to 5, where do you think you’re going? Photo
shoot.
JAMES Shit. Alright I’ll be there. Give me a minute.
(WILLIAM stands there.)
. . . Alone!
(WILLIAM exits. JAMES takes out his mobile and dials.)
(Into phone.) Hi. It’s me. Look. Really sorry. I’m going to be
late. Just text me back to say you’re okay, okay? Ah, too many
“okays”. Look just text me.
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SOHO CINDERS 19
SCENE FOUR – Beside a lion’s paw in Trafalgar Square
NARRATOR It is 9pm. The crowds and the pigeons in Trafalgar Square have
begun to disperse. Nelson and his four lions stand proudly,guarding the entrance to the Mall. Robbie is found beside oneof the lion’s paws.
(Having just listened to a phone message ROBBIE starts to writea text .)
Music No. 4 – GYPSIES OF THE ETHER
ROBBIE
DOESN’T IT SEEM STRANGETALKING IN THIS WAYGYPSIES OF THE ETHERTYPING WHAT WE SAYSECRETIVE LIAISONSFLIRTING ON THE SCREENBUILDING UP A PICTUREIN WHICH NO-ONE CAN BE SEENBOLD ENOUGH TO SHARE MY INNER THOUGHTS AND WHAT I FEELSAFELY IN THE KNOWLEDGE I CAN CHOOSE JUST HOW MUCH I REVEAL
(We see a crowd of people in the Square. Our attention isdrawn to LORD BELLINGHAM as he crosses. He is on the phone.)
ROBBIE
YOU ARE MY INTIMATE STRANGERYOU ARE MY FAR AWAY FRIENDTWO SOULS LINKED BY A HIGHWAY
AND THE MESSAGES WE SEND
(ROBBIE slumps dejectedly against a lion’s paw. We hear (butdon’t see) another voice start to sing.)
JAMES
NOBODY GETS HURTMEETING IN THIS PLACEGYPSIES OF THE ETHERWANDERERS IN SPACE
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ACT ONE20
( As the crowd parts, JAMES PRINCE is revealed in casual clothes.He is wearing a hoodie with the hood up whilst typing on aniPad . . . )
JAMES
KEEPING OURSELVES HIDDENSAFE BEHIND THE FONTFREE OF INHIBITIONWE CAN BE JUST WHO WE WANTMAYBE FOR A MOMENT I BELIEVE THIS FANTASYSOMEONE IN THE ABSTRACT I CREATE BUT IN LIFE I CAN’T BEYOU ARE MY INTIMATE STRANGER
YOU ARE MY FAR AWAY FRIENDTWO SOULS LINKED BY A HIGHWAYSAND THE MESSAGES WE SEND
(Having now made eye contact with one another, JAMES andROBBIE are clearly waiting for the last of the crowd to leavebefore approaching one another.)
BOTH
YOU ARE MY INTIMATE STRANGERYOU ARE MY FAR AWAY FRIEND
TWO SOULS LINKED BY A HIGHWAY
AND THE MESSAGES
AND THE MESSAGES
AND THE MESSAGES WE SEND
(The underscore crescendos as ROBBIE runs into JAMES’ arms.
They kiss.)
BOTH
DOESN’T IT SEEM STRANGE
MEETING IN THIS WAY
GYPSIES OF THE ETHER
JAMES A week without you seems like forever.
ROBBIE Well, a week’s a long time in politics. So, how long do you
have?
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SOHO CINDERS 21
JAMES Now?
ROBBIE No, before you die! Of course now.
JAMES This is just a quick hello.
ROBBIE Yeah, yeah. Unbelievable. Anyone would think you were
running for Mayor. I just want to . . . squdge you.
JAMES Squdge?
ROBBIE Wendy does it to Peter Pan.
JAMES Oh that is gay.
ROBBIE I thought you didn’t like that word.
JAMES I don’t like labels.
(ROBBIE’S phone rings.)
Don’t answer it.
ROBBIE Like you wouldn’t.
(ROBBIE takes the call.)
Cro, you know I can’t talk now . . . not another one. Okay, I’ll
sort it.
(He hangs up.)
(To JAMES.) Sorry, it’s a work thing.
JAMES How’s that going?
ROBBIE Ugh, not good. Another machine’s gone down. That’s gonna
cost.
JAMES I can always help.
ROBBIE I don’t want your money.
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ACT ONE22
JAMES (Slightly taken aback.) Okay, I was just . . .
ROBBIE Leave it.
(JAMES’ phone rings.)
(Mimicking JAMES.) “Don’t answer it”.
(JAMES gives him a look but answers the phone.)
JAMES Hello Darling . . . just getting some air . . . oh, okay . . . no, I
haven’t eaten . . . sorry, not distracted I was just deep in (Looks
at ROBBIE who mimes a loveheart.) . . . thought. Chinese? . . .
I’ll pick it up. Thirty minutes.
ROBBIE The Leader of the Opposition. “How’s that going? I can always
help . . . ”
Music No. 4a – GYPSIES OF THE ETHER – TAG
JAMES Oh, Robbie. (Beat.) Look, you heard . . .
(JAMES hugs
ROBBIE.)
ROBBIE (Breaking the hug.) You’ve got to go.
JAMES Couple of days?
ROBBIE Couple of days. Go.
JAMES
YOU ARE MY INTIMATE STRANGER
YOU ARE MY FAR AWAY FRIEND
JAMES & ROBBIE
TWO SOULS LINKED BY A HIGHWAY
JAMES
AND THE MESSAGES
ROBBIE
AND THE MESSAGES
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SOHO CINDERS 23
BOTH
AND THE MESSAGESWE SEND
SCENE FIVE – Inside "Glam-Amour"
NARRATOR Clodagh and Dana are discovered inside Glam-Amour , thestrip club they run next door to Robbie’s launderette. Havingreturned from a night out on what I understand is knownas “the lash”, they are removing what I also understand areknown as “their lashminas”. In the garish light of day they look
particularly unglamorous.
CLODAGH Did you hear that?
DANA What?
CLODAGH (Referring to the NARRATOR.) I’m hearing voices.
DANA What?
CLODAGH Some posh git. Probably queer.
NARRATOR But lthy rich and rather well-endowed.
DANA Whatever.
CLODAGH Eurgh! I’ve got a tongue like Ghandi’s ip op. I need a drink.
DANA Look at the state of this place.
CLODAGH Yeah, but when Les is out we’ll get the launderette. Planningpermission will be no prob. We can knock through. Expand.Go up market.
DANA It’s a strip club.
CLODAGH Alright down market, but bigger.
DANA You’ve gotta dream ’aven’t you? Anyways. Last night. How’dyou get on? I saw you nearly had his tonsils out.
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ACT ONE24
CLODAGH I thought I’d found it. I thought I’d found it. Everything we’ve
been looking for in a bloke.
DANA What well hung and mute?
CLODAGH Not exactly but I tell you, I thought this was it.
DANA Well?
CLODAGH Married.
DANA Bastard.
CLODAGH He gave me this whole sob story about his wife being in awheelchair and he wasn’t getting any. So he says, she’s away
and would I like to go back to his place. Not been there ve
minutes when I hear a car pull up.
DANA The spazzy wife?
CLODAGH Exactly. "My wife!" he goes. I said, "I thought she was away?"
He says. "She was." Then I hear footsteps, not wheels, on the
front path.
DANA Unbelievable.
CLODAGH So I says, "I thought she was in a wheelchair, where’s she been
– frigging Lourdes?" Next thing, I’m being bundled out of the
back door and had to nd a cab home.
DANA You’re like a bowling ball, you.
CLODAGH Bowling ball?
DANA Yeah, picked up, ngered, thrown back down the alley.
Music No. 5 – I’M SO OVER MEN
CLODAGH I tell you, I’m getting too old for this game. Too many
disappointments.
DANA Maybe we should give ’em up altogether.
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SOHO CINDERS 25
(During the course of the song DANA and CLODAGH collect up
an unlikely load of laundry: G-strings, boob tubes, suspender
belts, sequin vests etc. They place them all in JD Sports bag.)
DANA
I WISH THEY’D INVENT A NICORETTE PATCH
TO HELP ME GIVE UP MEN
JUST SLAP IT ON
YOUR CRAVINGS ARE GONE
BUT HOW WOULD I FILL MY DAYS THEN?
IT’S ALWAYS THE WRONG MR RIGHT
WHO SUDDENLY LANDS IN MY LAP
THEY’RE SHITS WHO PASS IN THE NIGHT
FALLING IN LOVE IS CRAP
A LOAD OF OLD BULL
FAREWELL TO NIGHTS ON THE PULL
I’M SO OVER MEN
I DON’T NEED A GUY
AND AS FOR THE SEXTHERE’S ALWAYS DIY
SOME SEEM HOT TILL THE RUMPY PUMP STARTS
THEN THEY’RE NOT WORTH THE SUM OF THEIR PARTS
LIE ON YOUR BACK
TRY LOOKING IMPRESSED
FAKE IT AND SCREAM "YOU’RE THE BEST"
I’VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I’LL SAY IT AGAIN
I’M SO OVER MEN
CLODAGH
I WISH I COULD JOIN AN ANONYMOUS GROUP
REHAB TO GIVE UP MEN
JUST SAY YOUR NAME
FACE UP TO THE SHAME
CONFESS YOU’VE BEEN SHAGGING AGAIN
THEN MAYBE I’LL FIND I HAVE STRENGTHS
AWAY FROM THE RAGES AND RANTS
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ACT ONE26
OF GUYS WHO DON’T GO TO GREAT LENGTHSFALLING IN LOVE IS PANTS
FROM NOW ON IT’S CLEARI’LL HAVE A SOLO CAREER
I’M SO OVER MENBRAGGING THEY’RE TOP NOTCHTALKING THROUGH THEIR ARSETHINKING WITH THEIR CROTCHHOW I DREAD EACH FAMILIAR SIGNFARTS IN BED THAT I KNOW ARE NOT MINETHE TOILET SEAT’S UPTHERE’S PUBES ON THE SOAPAS FOR ROMANCE – NOT A HOPEI’VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I’LL SAY IT AGAIN I’M SO OVER MEN
(ROBBIE passes the doorway to Glam-Amour and they spot him.They thrust the laundry in his face.)
CLODAGH Ah, Robbie Shitty Shirtlifter – just in time. Service wash. Low
temperature.
DANA That’s quality schmutter, that is. Don’t shrink it.
ROBBIE (Picking a G-string from the bag.) I think somebody already did.And seeing as how you want Mum’s launderette so much, do ityourself.
(ROBBIE throws the bag back at them.)
CLODAGH I don’t know why Dad didn’t just kick you out when your Mumdied. You’re like a milestone around his neck.
ROBBIE It’s millstone. And Les is no father of mine.
CLODAGH Whatever. Point is you and the scrubber ain’t got long.
DANA Basically . . .
CLODAGH At the end of the day . . .
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SOHO CINDERS 27
DANA I’m not being funny . . .
CLODAGH Or nufn . . .
BOTH Sling your hook.
(DANA throws a thong at ROBBIE, who exits.)
DANA
IF THEY HAD A JAB
I’D GIVE IT A STAB
TO MAKE ME IMMUNE TO MEN
CLODAGH
PAINLESS AND QUICK
JUST ONE LITTLE PRICK
BOTH
INSTEAD OF THE USUAL TEN!
(They laugh raucously.)
I’M SO OVER MEN’SPECIALLY WHEN THEY’RE PISSED
THOSE WHO’VE TURNED US DOWN
DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’VE MISSED
CLODAGH
ACT LIKE ICE BUT THEN TRY NOT TO MELT
DANA
MY ADVICE WEAR A CHASTITY BELTCLODAGH
NO FOOTBALL TO WATCH
FAGS IN THE SINK
Y-FRONTS TO WASH – I DON’T THINK SO
DANA
COLD PIZZA CRUSTS AND BEER CANS TO CHUCK
DO WE MISS THEM?
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ACT ONE28
BOTH
DO WE FUCK!I’VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I’LL SAY IT AGAIN
I’M SO OVER MEN
DANA
NO MORE PREGNANCY TESTS
NO MORE NEED FOR PRECAUTIONS
CLODAGH
NO MORE OVERNIGHT GUESTS
NO MORE GETTING SMALL PORTIONS
DANA
NO MORE "I’M GOING BALD"NO MORE LOVE BITES NEED HIDING
CLODAGH
NO MORE "MY WIFE JUST CALLED"
NO MORE HANDS THAT NEED GUIDING
BOTH
NO MORE "CAN’T WE BE FRIENDS?"
NO MORE "FIRST MEET MY MOTHER"NO MORE "HERE’S WHERE IT ENDS"
NO MORE "MADE FOR EACH OTHER
I’VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I’LL SAY IT AGAIN I’M SO OVER MEN
NARRATOR William George and Sasha are out on the campaign trail in
Soho.
WILLIAM (To SASHA.) Relax. It’s just selling, but you’re selling a candidate.Now come on, let’s see the condent posture.
(CLODAGH and DANA are exiting Glam-Amour.)
SASHA I nd it hard to . . .
WILLIAM Buttocks in, chest out.
SASHA William, I don’t think that . . .
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SOHO CINDERS 29
WILLIAM It’s not for them. For me.
(WILLIAM slaps SASHA on the bottom.)
WILLIAM Good girl. Now, just watch and learn. (To CLODAGH and DANA.)
Hello, ladies.
(CLODAGH and DANA don’t react. William tries again . . . )
Ladies?
CLODAGH Who . . . us?
SASHA We were wondering if you were thinking of voting?
CLODAGH For what?
WILLIAM For London’s Mayor.
DANA (To WILLIAM.) Ooh, and what do you have to offer a single girl
that’s gonna make her put a kiss in your box?
WILLIAM It’s not my ’box’, unfortunately. We’re canvassing for JamesPrince.
(He hands the girls a leaet.)
DANA Cute!
CLODAGH I love an upstanding member.
(WILLIAM’S phone rings.)
WILLIAM Excuse me I must take this. Sasha, you’re on your own.
DANA You ever been in a titty bar?
SASHA Er, no!
CLODAGH Well now’s your chance, come on. Just don’t touch the seats,
they’re still wet.
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ACT ONE30
( As they disappear inside, LORD BELLINGHAM appears in a
spotlight.)
WILLIAM Lord Bellingham, how are you?
LORD BELLINGHAM I’ve been happier. Cutting to the chase, William. You’ve
screwed up.
WILLIAM In what way?
LORD BELLINGHAM Reach inside your cheap, shiny Primark suit and take out the
fundraising invitation.
WILLIAM The invitation?
LORD BELLINGHAM Now read it. Notice anything? Anything . . . missing?
WILLIAM Date. Time. Venue.
LORD BELLINGHAM Sponsor?
WILLIAM Oh, Christ.
LORD BELLINGHAM Well, you could say that. No sponsor, no money. No money,
no party. You see how it works? William?
WILLIAM Yes, I see.
LORD BELLINGHAM Reprint them.
WILLIAM Sending new invitations will just underline our . . . error.
LORD BELLINGHAM Our error? Your error. Since you did manage to at least includemy address on the invitations I assume you wish the event to
be held here, as planned?
WILLIAM Well yes, of course . . . if . . .
LORD BELLINGHAM I hope your candidate runs London better than you run his
campaign.
WILLIAM I’m sorry . . . I just . . .
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SOHO CINDERS 31
LORD BELLINGHAM That’s all.
(LORD BELLINGHAM hangs up.)
WILLIAM Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Sasha, back to the ofce.
(SASHA is happy to escape from the clutches of the sisters.)
You’ve screwed up on the party invites. Lord Bollock’s name’s
not on it.
(SASHA takes an invitation out of her pocket too.)
CLODAGH Bollocks? Party? Sounds like a night out.
WILLIAM Give me that.
(He grabs the invitation from SASHA and tosses both of them
away.)
Come on.
DANA (To
WILLIAM.) I thought you were going to show me your . . .manly festo.
(WILLIAM and SASHA leave.)
You had me at “hello”.
(CLODAGH picks up the invitations.)
CLODAGH “James Prince requests the pleasure of your company” . . .
then his wish shall be granted. Fancy a night out? A propernight out.
DANA But he’s got a ancée, hasn’t he?
CLODAGH Since when did that stop you?
DANA Oh no, we can’t.
CLODAGH Oh yes we can.
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ACT ONE32
BOTH Oh yes we will.
Music No. 5a – I’M SO OVER MEN – REPRISE
DANA
YOU’RE ALL OVER MENLIKE SOME FLAMING RASH
CLODAGH
NEVER HAD A MAYORFIT WITH LOADS OF CASH
BOTH
ONE LAST FLING THEN WE’LL CALL IT A DAYBUY SOME BLING AND THEN HAVE IT AWAYTHIS MIGHT BE THE ONEGIVE LOVE A CHANCEGO TO HIS PARTYHAVE A DANCETODAY CITY HALLAND, IN TIME, NUMBER TENI’M SO OVER MENOVER OVER OVER OVER OVER OVERI’M GONNA GET MY LEG OVER . . . MEN!
SCENE SIX – James Prince’s home – that evening
NARRATOR It is 11pm. After an exhausting day’s campaigning, James is stillworking in his study at home.
MARILYN They’ll be lucky to have you.
(JAMES is caught offguard, unaware that she has been watchinghim.)
JAMES Who?
MARILYN London, of course. Who did you think I meant?
JAMES Sorry, I was . . . elsewhere.
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SOHO CINDERS 33
(MARILYN crosses to him.)
MARILYN You’re working too hard. Let’s go up.
JAMES Marilyn . . .
MARILYN What?
JAMES I couldn’t do this without you.
MARILYN I know . . .
JAMES And I need you . . .
MARILYN I know . . .
JAMES And I’m sorry.
MARILYN For what?
JAMES Well . . . it won’t always be like this.
MARILYN Yes it will, and it’ll probably get worse. If you get in.
JAMES And if I don’t?
MARILYN It’ll be something else. You can’t change and I can’t change
you.
JAMES Ah!
MARILYN It was just the same at university – it was the debating society,
Amnesty International, the free knitting patterns for arthriticpensioners campaign . . .
JAMES That bad, huh?
MARILYN That bad.
Music No. 6 – REMEMBER US
But that was the deal. Remember?
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ACT ONE34
JAMES Yes, I do. It seems like a lifetime ago.
MARILYN
REMEMBER WHENOUR HEADS WERE FULL OF BIG IDEALSREMEMBER THEN
JAMES
I DON’T REMEMBER HOW THAT FEELSBUT WHEN YOU’RE YOUNGTHEN SOMEHOW EVERYTHING’S A PLUSREMEMBER WHEN
MARILYN
REMEMBER . . . THENREMEMBER USREMEMBER WHENYOU DREAMT YOU’D BE LIKE ROBIN HOODREMEMBER THEN
JAMES
I KNOW NOT ALL OF IT WAS GOOD
MARILYN
WE’D TALK FOR HOURSSOME . . . BIG WORLD CRISIS TO DISCUSSREMEMBER WHEN
JAMES
REMEMBER . . . THENREMEMBER US
MARILYNSTRANGE THAT YOU AND INEVER HAVE TO TRY SOMEHOW WE MUDDLE THROUGH
JAMES
NO DENYING ITYOU JUST SEEM TO FIT LIKE AN OLD COMFY SHOE
MARILYN
SUCH A WAY WITH WORDS
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SOHO CINDERS 35
JAMES
BUT THE BEST ARSE
IN YOUR WHOLE CLASS OF NERDS
MARILYN Hey!
REMEMBER WHENYOU GREW A MULLET – GLAD THAT’S GONE
JAMES
IT WAS THIS LONG
MARILYN
REMEMBER THENYOU SAID THAT EMAIL WON’T CATCH ON
JAMES
SO I WAS WRONGYOUR MOBILE PHONE
MARILYN
MY MOBILE PHONE
BOTH
YES IT WAS BIGGER THAN A BUS
JAMES
THE SIGNAL WAS RUBBISH
BOTH
REMEMBER WHEN
REMEMBER . . . THENREMEMBER USLOOK AT US DOT COM
EVERY DOUBTING TOM SAID THAT WE’D NEVER LAST
JAMES
STILL I’M STUCK ON YOU
MARILYN
I’M YOUR COMFY SHOE YOU’RE MY ELASTOPLAST
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ACT ONE36
BOTH
WE GO HAND IN GLOVEAND STILL WE SEEM
THE PERFECT TEAM IN LOVE
(Instrumental.)
MARILYN
SO MANY YEARS
JAMES
LAUGHTER AND TEARS
MARILYN
BUT WHEN YOU’RE YOUNG
JAMES
BUT WHEN YOU’RE YOUNG
BOTH
THEN SOMEHOW EVERYTHING’S A PLUS
MARILYN
REMEMBER WHEN
Now come to bed . . .
JAMES
REMEMBER THEN
MARILYN It’s been a while.
BOTH
REMEMBER US
JAMES One more email and I’ll be up. Promise.
(MARILYN closes JAMES’ laptop. He sighs, realising resistance is
futile.)
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SOHO CINDERS 37
SCENE SEVEN – Two days later – in the Laundrette
NARRATOR Two days later, back in the launderette, Robbie and Velcro
have been chewing the fat – rather an unpalatable expressionfor the calorie counters amongst us.
(VELCRO is holding one of JAMES PRINCE’S campaign leaets.)
VELCRO Shame he’s in a suit. I bet he’d get more votes if he was still in
his speedos.
ROBBIE Then where would he pin his rosette?
VELCRO Right on his policy package.
(CLODAGH and DANA enter the launderette.)
CLODAGH Tick, tock, tick, tock . . .
DANA Do that thing, you know . . .
(She makes her arm look like the big hand on TV’s
“Countdown” clock. CLODAGH obliges by singing the“Countdown” clock music.
CLODAGH sings the theme tune. DANA waits for the nal “Boo”
of the theme tune, then realises CLODAGH is waiting for her to
provide it.)
DANA . . . BOO! I love it when you do that.
VELCRO Little things . . .
ROBBIE What do you want?
CLODAGH Splash the cash!
DANA Show the dough.
CLODAGH Spill the lolly . . .
BOTH Dolly.
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ACT ONE38
ROBBIE Here y’are.
(ROBBIE hands DANA the cash that we saw him put away in the
rst scene after accepting it from LORD BELLINGHAM.)
DANA How much?
ROBBIE Five hundred, the usual.
CLODAGH Three words, not en-ough.
ROBBIE That’s syllables not words.
DANA Alright Carol sodding Vorderman, that’s the old rate. We toldyou it’s gone up.
ROBBIE You’ll have to give me a bit longer.
CLODAGH Twenty-four hours.
DANA Twelve – otherwise we’re changing the locks on this place too.
CLODAGH (To VELCRO.) You’re wasting your time love, he’s a knob jockey.
(The sisters exit.)
ROBBIE Great, that’s all we need.
VELCRO What are you gonna do?
ROBBIE I dunno. What can I do?
VELCRO Sell your body.
ROBBIE Very funny.
VELCRO No, on second thoughts you won’t get that much.
(ROBBIE’S phone rings.)
ROBBIE Hi.
(We see JAMES elsewhere in a spotlight.)
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SOHO CINDERS 39
JAMES Hi it’s me, I just wanted to hear your voice. I’ve only got a
minute. I’m sorry.
ROBBIE You don’t have to apologise. I get it. I’m glad you called. Whencan I see you? If it helps I’m free tonight. Or tomorrow night?
(VELCRO mimes kisses and love hearts. ROBBIE shoos her away.)
JAMES Argh! I’d love to but I’ve got this thing tonight and a fundraiser
tomorrow. But the next available moment, I swear . . .
ROBBIE Look. You know where I am, and you know I want to see you.
You just need to let me know when. No pressure. Just make itsoon!
JAMES I must go. I’ll call you later if I can.
ROBBIE Bye.
(ROBBIE puts the phone down.)
VELCRO That was SO gooey! I’ve never seen you like it. It’s like you’ve
been abducted by aliens, and they sent back this . . . Andrexpuppy. Tell me his name.
ROBBIE I can’t. It’s complicated. All I can say is he makes me smile . . .
on the inside. Is that love?
VELCRO I dunno it’s been a long time. I can’t remember.
(SIDESADDLE enters with a large bouquet of owers.)
ROBBIE (Seeing the owers.) Oh Sidesaddle, you shouldn’t have done
that, I told it’s half price – at least until you can afford more.
SIDESADDLE Sort of embarrassing, they’re not from me, I just took them off
the delivery guy. Is my washing ready?
ROBBIE Yeah, just done it.
SIDESADDLE Who are they from then?
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ACT ONE40
VELCRO His new boyfriend, but don’t ask his name ’cos he won’t tell
you.
ROBBIE (Opening a card attached to the owers.) I don’t know. I don’tknow why anyone would . . . oh . . .
(ROBBIE pulls a wadge of bank notes from the envelope.)
VELCRO Jesus Christ, Robbie. What’s he sending you money for? You’re
not really selling your body, are you?
ROBBIE (Slightly dazed.) Course not.
VELCRO How much is there?
Music No. 6a – OLD COMPTON STREET – REPRISE
ROBBIE I . . . dunno. You count it.
(VELCRO counts the money as ROBBIE reads the card. Elsewhere
LORD BELLINGHAM appears in a spotlight.)
LORD BELLINGHAMI’D LIKE TO HAVE YOU HERE WITH ME
I THINK WE’RE QUITE WELL-SUITED
IT’S HIGH TIME OUR RELATIONSHIP
BECAME FAR LESS DILUTED
AND NO-ONE NEEDS TO KNOW THE TRUTH
THE WAY IN WHICH WE MET
THE SORDID LITTLE DETAILS
IN TIME WE CAN FORGET
LORD BELLINGHAM Robbie, I hope I haven’t misjudged our situation, but the time
we spend together is the highlight of any week. I’d like more
of it and my hope is that you would too. I’m hosting an event
tomorrow night at the ofce and I’d like you to join me. It’s a
black tie affair and, as it will be a late night, I’d like you to stay
over. I’ve taken the liberty of informing Prada in Sloane Street
to expect you. It’s all on account. Just choose something nice.
The enclosed is a little something for you.
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SOHO CINDERS 41
( As ROBBIE closes the card and keeps its contents from VELCRO,
our focus stays with LORD BELLINGHAM.)
LORD BELLINGHAM
I CAN’T BEAR YOU ON OLD COMPTON STREETI WON’T SHARE YOU SO I THINK A CHANGE WORTH A TRY
I DON’T RENT WHAT I CAN BUY
THERE ARE WAYS TO BEAT
OLD COMPTON STREET
(ROBBIE is panic stricken.)
VELCRO There’s a thousand pounds . . . (There’s no reaction.) . . . hemust really love you.
ROBBIE Yeah . . . that’s what worries me. Give it here.
(VELCRO hands ROBBIE the money which he starts to put back in
the envelope.)
VELCRO What are you doing?
ROBBIE I’m sending it back. With the owers.
VELCRO Robbie, what’s going on? You just spoke to him on the phone
and lit up like the Blackpool illuminations. Now you’re playing
hard to get.
ROBBIE It’s not from him. (Pause.) Sidesaddle, can you give us a
minute?
SIDESADDLE I can give you all night – I’m off home. Laters.
(SIDESADDLE exits.)
VELCRO And . . .
ROBBIE I’m seeing this guy.
VELCRO I know you are.
ROBBIE Well, I’m not . . . I’m sort of seeing two guys.
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ACT ONE42
VELCRO What?
ROBBIE Well I’m not, but I am.
VELCRO You’re not making any sense, Robbie. Are you on something?
ROBBIE Look. I’ve been seeing this guy for three months and I think
I’ve fallen in love with him. But it’s complicated.
VELCRO What’s complicated? He’s just sent you a thousand pounds and
a bunch of owers.
ROBBIE No he hasn’t. They’re from someone else.
VELCRO Who?
ROBBIE An older man. A businessman. A . . . Lord.
VELCRO (Incredulous.) A Lord!
ROBBIE I met him on a website. Where older rich guys meet younger
. . . less rich guys.
VELCRO Robbie!
ROBBIE I know, but we needed the money! He took a shine to me and
I went along with it. Drinks, dinners, movies. I was company
for him. But now it’s turned into wads of cash and owers and
he’s asking me to stay overnight. That feels like prostitution.
VELCRO Well, duh! And, what, has your boyfriend found out.
ROBBIE No, nothing like that.
VELCRO So what’s the problem? Ditch Lord Sugar Daddy and be with
Prince Charming.
ROBBIE It’s not as easy as that, you see . . . there’s a Princess Charming.
VELCRO He’s married?
ROBBIE Fiancée.
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SOHO CINDERS 43
VELCRO Oh Christ, Robbie!
ROBBIE And you know him. Well you know of him.
VELCRO I do?
ROBBIE He’s kinda famous.
VELCRO (Trying to work it out.) Famous closet case. There’s so many, Iwouldn’t know where to start. (Pause.) Oh Robbie, just give mehis name.
(ROBBIE holds up the James Prince campaign leaet.)
VELCRO Oh get real . . .
ROBBIE I’m serious.
VELCRO James Prince . . . you’re not! The Mayor guy. He’s not gay.
ROBBIE I can promise you he is, but not publicly. He’s not like anyother guy I’ve been with.
VELCRO Robbie, you need to be careful. This has danger written allover it.
ROBBIE I know. I know.
( A HUNKY CUSTOMER enters with his laundry.)
VELCRO I think number ve’s free, on the right. (To ROBBIE in hushedtones.) You read about things like this. Politicians. Affairs.Wives. And you’re seeing this Lord as well. I’m sorry Robbie
but . . .
ROBBIE It’s under control.
VELCRO Today maybe. But you can’t control the press. Now listenRobbie . . .
ROBBIE (Raising his voice.) I’ve heard you Cro’, but . . .
VELCRO (Indicating they are not alone.) Shh!
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ACT ONE44
(The CUSTOMER turns to them, then continues to load themachine.)
ROBBIE (Hushed tones again.) I’m not getting rid of the best thing in mylife ’cos of what might happen tomorrow. Okay?
VELCRO Okay. Okay. Well why doesn’t he just come out? No-onewould care.
ROBBIE Well his ancee might.
(The CUSTOMER removes his shirt and puts it in the washer.)
VELCRO (The reality has sunk in.) I can’t believe it. I’ve got to get mygaydar realigned. Gay, straight, bi, married, gay married,Arthur, Martha, Grindr, Tinder. It does me head in.
Music No. 7 – IT’S HARD TO TELL
VELCRO Now . . . (Pointing to the CUSTOMER just as he’s removing his jeans and placing them in the washer.) take him, for instance.
(Fantasy sequence. During the course of the song it is as ifthe launderette has been transformed into a trendy night club peopled by hot young things, male and female, who appearfrom washing machines and behind dryers.)
VELCRO
TO ME IT’S QUITE CLEARHE HAS TO BE QUEERBUT I’LL ADMIT THEY’RE GETTING HARDER TO SPOTUNLESS THEY’RE SCREAMING "OUT AND PROUD"
OR SINGING SHOW TUNES WAY TOO LOUDI WOULDN’T LIKE TO SAY WHO’S INTO WHAT . . .
IT’S HARD TO TELL THE GAYGUYS FROM THE STRAIGHT THESE DAYSIT’S HARD TO TELL THE PRINCES FROM THE QUEENSEVERY BAR IN SOHOTHAT ONCE WAS STRICTLY NO GONOW FALLS SOMEWHERE BETWIXT
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SOHO CINDERS 45
WITH A CLIENTELE THAT’S MIXED
IT’S HARD TO TELL THE GAY GUYS FROM THE STRAIGHT THESE DAYS
IT’S HARD TO TELL THE HOMOS FROM THE HETS
HE’S HOTTER THAN WASABEBUT DOES HE LOVE KEN OR BARBIE?
WELL I’M NOT PLACING ANY BETS
HEAD TO TOE IN GUCCI ACTING RATHER SMOOCHEY
SEEMS THE TYPE FOR PULLING BIRDS
THEN IN CONVERSATION COMES THE REVELATION
HE IS MINCING MORE THAN JUST HIS WORDS
ROBBIE
IT’S HARD TO TELL THE GAY GUYS FROM THE STRAIGHT THESE DAYS
IT’S HARD TO TELL THE DIAMONDS FROM THE ROUGH
BOTH PLAY CASANOVA
WHICH BOWLS A MAIDEN OVER
THAT’S FINE FOR TEA AND CHAT
BUT FOR WHICH TEAM DOES HE BAT?
ROBBIE & VELCRO
IT’S HARD TO TELL THE GAY GUYS FROM THE STRAIGHT THESE DAYS
IT’S HARD TO TELL THE ONE IN EVERY TEN
ROBBIE
SOME LOVE TOPLESS STRIPPERS
OTHERS DREAM OF RUBY SLIPPERS
WELL AIN’T THAT TYPICAL OF MEN
QUITE THE DISCO BUNNY
TANS WHEN IT’S NOT SUNNY
LOOKS AS IF HE’S WORTH A FLING
VELCRO
LOOKS AS IF HE’S WORTH A FLING
ROBBIE
JEANS HE HAS TO SQUEEZE ON
ABS YOU COULD GRATE CHEESE ON
THEN YOU SEE HE WEARS A WEDDING RING
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ACT ONE46
VELCRO
A WEDDING RINGDON’T MEAN A THING
BOTH & FULL ENSEMBLEIT’S HARD TO TELLIT’S HARD TO TELLSCANNING THEIR REFLECTIONFOR THE SLIGHTEST IMPERFECTIONIF WRINKLES DARE TO SHOWTHEY MOISTURIZE THEM SOIT’S HARD TO TELL THE GAY GUYS FROM THE STRAIGHT THESE DAYS
IT’S HARD TO TELL WHICH WAY THAT THEY’RE INCLINEDMAKING SURE THEY’RE PRETTYFOR A NIGHT OUT ON THE CITYWHERE BOTH HAVE ONE THING ON THEIR MIND
(The song ends in a tableau of bodies.)
Music No. 7a – IT’S HARD TO TELL – FADE
SCENE EIGHT – Soho Square – 11am the following morning
NARRATOR Robbie and Velcro are crashed out on a bench after their nightin Soho assessing the sexual orientation of its inhabitants byasking them to provide surnames for the following list: Liza,Chita and Barbra. Not surprisingly, many single gentlemenscored three out of three.
VELCRO Hey Robbie. How’s the head? I feel like I’ve been hit by a
Budweiser truck. One too many vodka shots.
ROBBIE I hardly slept a wink. I can’t believe I’ve got myself into thismess.
(ROBBIE’S phone bleeps with a text message.)
VELCRO Which one is it? Lord Gay or Mayor Not-Quite-Sure?
ROBBIE Cro.
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SOHO CINDERS 47
(ROBBIE read the text message and smiles.)
VELCRO Oh, it’s the Mayor. Give me that phone.
ROBBIE No.
VELCRO Phone. Now. I know who he is, just give me the phone.
(ROBBIE hands the phone over. VELCRO reads the text message.)
“Thinking about you. Can’t wait to see you Squidge”
ROBBIE It’s Squdge. Oh Cro, he makes my tummy go. What am I
gonna do? I can’t continue with Lord Bellingham, I have tosend him back the money.
VELCRO Robbie, have a brain. A thousand pounds would come in useful,
right? Of course right. So here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re
going to go and give Trash and Trollop the rent and get them
off our backs. Then, we go to Prada and get you dolled up in
the best tux, and maybe pick up a little something for me.
ROBBIE For you?
VELCRO Let’s call it a little thank you for all the shit you’ve put me
through. Agreed? Just nod. Right, then you are going to go
to this swanky party and be sweetness and light with Lord
Whotisname, and after that you are never going to see him
again.
ROBBIE Yes, but he wants me to stay the night.
VELCRO And you’re going to have every intention of doing so until . . . I
call you at midnight.
ROBBIE What?
VELCRO I’ll phone and say I’ve got some emergency. The launderette’s
burnt down, Becky’s exploded. Use your imagination.
ROBBIE And . . .
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ACT ONE48
VELCRO You make your excuses and you come home. That way you’ve
kept your side of the bargain with his Lordship and you’ve
stayed faithful to Prince Bisexual.
ROBBIE Oh Cro. I’m not so sure. You make it sound so simple.
VELCRO That’s cos it is.
(SIDESADDLE draws up beside them in her cycle rickshaw.)
SIDESADDLE Hi guys. You alright? Need a ride?
VELCRO Actually, yes we do.
SIDESADDLE Where to?
VELCRO Prada. Sloane Street.
ROBBIE Cro!
VELCRO Get in, you Muppet!
SIDESADDLE That’s a long way.
VELCRO That ’ain’t it. You’ve got to wait for us there then take him for a
haircut. Come to think of it, how much till midnight?
SIDESADDLE (Off the top of her head.) A hundred quid.
VELCRO Right Robbie, pay her fty.
(ROBBIE pulls a fty pound note from the envelope.)
SIDESADDLE Fifty?
VELCRO Half price, remember?
ROBBIE You owe me.
SIDESADDLE Fifty it is. Prada, Sloane Street that’s a bit upmarket.
VELCRO He’s got a big party tonight, haven’t you Robbie? Posh do.
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SOHO CINDERS 49
ROBBIE (Sarcastically.) Yeah, great.
SIDESADDLE You don’t sound so keen.
VELCRO He’s warming to the idea, aren’t you?
ROBBIE (Unenthusiastically.) Sure.
VELCRO Well, let your face know.
(During the following song ROBBIE is transformed ready for the
’Ball’ to the extent that he is barely recognisable by the end of
the number.)
Music No. 8 – YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL
VELCRO
YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL CINDERELLA
I’LL TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE
YES, YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, LUCKY FELLA
YOUR CARRIAGE WAITS JUST STEP INSIDE
SIDESADDLE
I CAN’T DO TRICKS WITH PUMPKINS
NOR NO HORSES FROM WHITE MICE
BUT WHO NEEDS VEG AND VERMIN
WHEN YOU’VE GOT ME FOR HALF PRICE
SIDESADDLE & VELCRO
YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, CINDERELLA
SIDESADDLE
I’LL GET YOU THERE ALRIGHT
YES, YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL I CAN TELL A
LOT IS UP FOR GRABS
YOU’VE GOT THE BEST OF CABS TONIGHT
(CUT TO: CLODAGH and DANA in the nal stages of getting
ready for the party. They are dressed very tartily.)
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ACT ONE50
DANA Clo, how do I look?
CLODAGH Like someone’s covered you in Pritt Stick and rolled you
through Accessorize.
CLODAGH
I COULD USE ANOTHER PINT OF BAILEYS
DANA
A BAILEYS
CLODAGH
SECOND THOUGHTS I’LL HAVE A GLASS OF WHITE
DANA
MAKE IT TWO
BOTH
TWO SILLY BINTSGONNA FIGHT FOR A PRINCE
DANA
COS TONIGHT
CLODAGH
TONIGHT
BOTH
TONIGHT
DANA
YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, CINDERELLA
BOTH
BOTH LOOKING FIT
CLODAGH
AND SLIM
BOTH
YES, WE SHALL GO TO THE BALL LOOKING STELLARI COULD BE THE GIRL FOR HIM
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SOHO CINDERS 51
CLODAGH
I LOVE THIS SHADE OF LIP GLOSS
DANAMY MASCARA’S BY CHANEL
BOTH
YOU’D NEVER THINK TWO SCRUBBERS
COULD HAVE GOT TARTED UP QUITE THIS WELL
(CUT TO: LORD BELLINGHAM in a spotlight tying his bow tie.)
LORD BELLINGHAM
THOSE WHO RAISE AN EYEBROW AT THE AGE GAP
NEED TO KEEP THEIR NOSE FROM MY AFFAIRS
GOSSIPS MAY THINK
THAT I’M DATING A TWINK BUT WHO CARES?
YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, CINDERELLA
WITH ALL THAT BOYISH CHARM
YES, YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL AS MY BELLE A
HANDSOME TRINKET ON MY ARM
(CUT TO: ROBBIE being tted for his suit.
ROBBIE
HOW DID I LET YOU TALK ME INTO THIS?
HE JUST GIVES ME THE CREEPS
VELCRO (Deliberately sounding ’posh’.)
MAYBE ONE SHOULD BE MORE PARTICULAR
ABOUT PLACES ONE SLEEPS
ROBBIE
SORRY CRO, I KNOW IT’S NOT CLEVER
DOING THIS IS NOT WHAT I’D EVER CHOOSE
(ROBBIE continues to get ready, with haircut and manicure.)
(CUT TO: MARILYN, WILLIAM and JAMES make their way to LORD
BELLINGHAM’S ofces.)
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ACT ONE52
MARILYN
HERE WE GO AGAIN, THE GOLDEN COUPLE
JAMESKEEP SMILING
WILLIAM
THIS COULD REALLY BE THE LITMUS TEST
MARILYN (Smiling ingratiatingly at JAMES.)HOW IS THIS!
WILLIAM
MAKE SURE YOU MINGLEAND SCHMOOZ EVERY SINGLE LAST GUEST
(CUT TO: ROBBIE and VELCRO are ready to leave.)
ROBBIE
HOW DID I LET YOU TALK ME INTO THISI FEEL WEAK AT THE KNEES
VELCRO
IT’S NOT EVERYDAY YOU GO PARTYINGNOT WITH PEOPLE LIKE THESE
SIDESADDLE
COME ON GUYS! ENOUGH HESITATINGCAN’T YOU SEE YOUR CARRIAGE IS WAITING NOW
(SIDESADDLE’S rickshaw is now pimped to the max and vaguelyresembles an orange pumpkin. PARTY GUESTS ll the stage as the
set transforms to LORD BELLINGHAM’S ofces.)
ALL
YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL CINDERELLAGO WHERE THE LIGHTS ARE BRIGHTYES, YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, WE CAN SMELL ALOT OF TENSION HERE TONIGHTWATCH THE GLITTERATI GLITTERTHE NOUVEAU CREME DE LA CREME
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SOHO CINDERS 53
THEY LOVE TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE
KNOWING THAT EVERY EYE IS ON THEM
(JAMES, MARILYN and WILLIAM are greeting various GUESTS. LORD BELLINGHAM is the perfect host. At the top of the staircase the
fully-transformed ROBBIE makes his entrance.)
ALL
YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, CINDERELLA
GO FOR A NIGHT OF GLITZ
YES, YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, CINDERELLA
AND MINGLE WITH THOSE POMPOUS GITS
LORD BELLINGHAM (Looking pleased.) Robbie.
ALL
AND GET COMPLETELY OFF YOUR TITS
JAMES (Looking startled.) Robbie?
ALL
AND SEE IF THE GLASS SLIPPER . . .
ROBBIE (Looking horried.) Awkward!
ALL
. . . FITS
(Curtain.)
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ACT TWO54
ACT TWO
Music No. 9 – ENTR’ACTE
SCENE ONE – The party at Bellingham Industries
Music segues into LORD BELLINGHAM’S ofce where the campaign fund-raising partyis in full swing. LORD BELLINGHAM , ROBBIE and JAMES are in exactly the same positionas we left them at the end of Act One.
ALL
YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, CINDERELLAGO FOR A NIGHT OF GLITZ
YES, YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL, CINDERELLAAND MINGLE WITH THOSE POMPOUS GITS
LORD BELLINGHAM (Looking pleased.) Robbie.
ALL
AND GET COMPLETELY OFF YOUR TITS
JAMES (Looking startled.) Robbie?
ALL
AND SEE IF THE GLASS SLIPPER . . .
(JAMES PRINCE is staring at ROBBIE, who looks deeplyuncomfortable.)
Music No. 10 – WHO’S THAT BOY?
PARTY GUESTS (See score for details.)WHO’S THAT BOY?AND WHO DID HE COME IN WITH?WHO’S THAT BOY?HE’S HANDSOME TO BEGIN WITHWHO’S THAT BOY?NO DOUBT A YOUNG GO-GETTERWHO’S THAT BOY?I’D LIKE TO KNOW HIM BETTERWHO’S THAT BOY?WHO’S THAT BOY?
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SOHO CINDERS 55
LORD BELLINGHAM (Confused.) Robbie. Can I have word?
(ROBBIE tries to get away from LORD BELLINGHAM by making his
way to the bar to get a drink. During the sequence we seeboth JAMES and LORD BELLINGHAM trying to nd ROBBIE.)
PARTY GUESTS (See score for breakdown.)
WHO’S THAT BOY?
THERE HAS TO BE A STORY
WHO’S THAT BOY?
TOO TRENDY FOR A TORY
WHO’S THAT BOY?IT SEEMS HE WAS EXPECTED
WHO’S THAT BOY?
HE’S CLEARLY WELL-CONNECTED
WHO’S THAT BOY?
WHO’S THAT BOY?
MARILYN James. Is everything Okay? William? What’s going on?
WILLIAM I intend to nd out.
(JAMES tries to get to ROBBIE who attempts to avoid a
confrontation.)
PARTY GUESTS
DID YOU SEE THE WAY HE SAUNTERED IN
AS IF HE OWNED THE PLACE
EXUDING SUCH SELF-CONFIDENCE
YET NO-ONE KNOWS HIS FACEHE LEAVES US IN THE SHADOWS
LIKE A MOMENT’RY ECLIPSE
AND THERE IS JUST ONE QUESTION
THAT’S ON EVERYBODY’S LIPS
WHO’S THAT BOY?
DANA He’s looking at me again. Oh please. Could he be more
obvious.
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ACT TWO56
CLODAGH Get over yourself, it’s me he’s oggling. All these politicians like
a bit on the side.
DANA That James Prince is t.
WAITER Stuffed olive?
CLODAGH Did he? Lucky Olive. (Dirty laugh.)
WILLIAM
WHO’S THAT BOY?
AND WHY THE STRANGE REACTION
CLODAGH (To DANA.) It’s Robbie!
WILLIAM
WHO’S THAT BOY?
AND WHAT IS THE ATTRACTION
DANA What’s he doing here?
WILLIAM
WHO’S THAT BOY?
CLODAGH & DANA
HE’S JUST OUR LITTLE BROTHER
COS OUR DAD
GOT MARRIED TO HIS MOTHER
WILLIAM So what’s he doing . . . (Realises it’s CLODAGH and DANA.) . . .
what are you doing here? Security!
CLODAGH I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
DANA You’ve got questions. We’ve got answers. Call us.
(She scrawls her phone number on the invitation card with
her lipstick. Elsewhere, JAMES and LORD BELLINGHAM continue to
pursue ROBBIE.)
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SOHO CINDERS 57
PARTY GUESTS
SYMPTOMATIC OF THESE FUNCTIONS
IS THEY’RE FULL OF CRASHING BORES
THE FIRST SIGN OF FRESH TALENT
AND THEY’RE BEATING DOWN THE DOORS
LIKE BEES AROUND THE HONEY
LIKE MOTHS AROUND THE FLAME
THEY CHASE AFTER THE YOUNG BLOOD
THOUGH NO-ONE KNOWS HIS NAME
(Instrumental half-chorus during which ROBBIE escapes to the
terrace.)
WHO’S THAT BOY?
HE’S ENTRANCE WAS DRAMATIC
WHO’S THAT BOY
BOTH COOL AND ENIGMATIC
WHO’S THAT BOY?
WHO’S THAT BOY?
(ROBBIE is on the terrace. Having just taken his phone out to
make a call he is interrupted by the arrival of LORD BELLINGHAM.)
LORD BELLINGHAM Robbie? Is everything alright? You don’t seem yourself.
ROBBIE No, I’m ne . . . I’m ne.
LORD BELLINGHAM You seemed nervous in front of James Prince – it’s not like you,
he’s a mayoral candidate, not royalty.
ROBBIE I know, I’m . . . I’m not really feeling myself. In fact, George, Ithink I may have to go . . .
(ROBBIE raises his phone. LORD BELLINGHAM gently but forcefully
puts his hand on the phone.)
LORD BELLINGHAM You don’t have to do that. The apartment’s upstairs. Why don’t
you go and have a lie down in my room.
ROBBIE No George, I think it’s better if I go.
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ACT TWO58
LORD BELLINGHAM Wait a minute, Doctor Reid’s here, he can have a look at you.
ROBBIE (More forcefully.) No, George. I want to go.
LORD BELLINGHAM This a big night for me. Actually for you and me. Us.
ROBBIE Us?
LORD BELLINGHAM Like I said in the note, which you clearly received judging by
the Prada suit you’re wearing. I thought I’d made my feelings
very clear.
ROBBIE Yes you did, George, and about that . . . I’m not sure we’re
quite in the same place . . .
LORD BELLINGHAM (Clearly hurt.) I see. But you took the thousand pounds, and
you went on a shopping spree.
ROBBIE George . . .
LORD BELLINGHAM No, Robbie, you see that’s not how it works. All the gifts, all
the dinners, the money, the suit you’re wearing, the shirt on
your back – it’s not charity – what do you think I am?
ROBBIE (Getting angry.) No, George what do you think I am?
LORD BELLINGHAM (Grabbing ROBBIE’S lapels.) I’ll tell you what I think you are.
(ROBBIE’S phone is knocked to the ground. At that moment
JAMES and WILLIAM run onto the terrace. MARILYN holds back
slightly, at a distance.)
WILLIAM Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lord Bellingham, I’m not interruptinganything, am I?
JAMES Robbie, what are you doing here?
WILLIAM I’m sure there must be a very simple explanation . . .
ROBBIE (Not moving.) I really have to go.
JAMES You two know one another?
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SOHO CINDERS 59
ROBBIE I can’t do this. Not now.
(ROBBIE runs off.)
WILLIAM James, there are guests to be attended to. Lord Bellingham areyou coming?
LORD BELLINGHAM Hmm? Yes, of course.
(LORD BELLINGHAM and WILLIAM rejoin the party guests insideleaving MARILYN alone on the terrace. She stoops to pick up themobile phone ROBBIE dropped in the fracas.)
MARILYN
WHO’S THAT BOY?AND WHAT IS HE CONCEALING?WHO’S THAT BOY?I’VE GOT THE STRANGEST FEELING
WHO’S THAT BOY?PERHAPS HE’S JUST A CHANCERWHO’S THAT BOY
I FEAR I KNOW THE ANSWERWHO’S THAT BOY?|WHO’S THAT BOY?
PARTY GUESTS
BOY, BOYWHO’S THAT BOY?WHO’S THAT BOY?
(MARILYN goes back inside. ROBBIE runs in the darkness.)
ALL
WHO’S THAT BOY?DID SOMEBODY INVITE HIM?WHO’S THAT BOY?SO CUTE I WANT TO BITE HIMWHO’S THAT BOY?I THOUGHT I SAW A SCUFFLEWHO’S THAT BOY
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ACT TWO60
WHO’S CAUSING THE KERFUFFLE
WHO’S THAT BOY?
WHO’S THAT BOY?
SCENE TWO – Trafalgar Square, soon after
NARRATOR Robbie runs into the night. Without really thinking about
where he’s going, he ends up in Trafalgar Square beside one of
the lion’s paws.
(JAMES runs in breathless.)
JAMES I thought you’d come here.
ROBBIE Well, you know me . . .
JAMES Do I, Robbie? I’m not sure I do. How do you know George
Bellingham?
ROBBIE Look James . . .
JAMES Please tell me it’s not what I think?
(Silence.)
(Getting slightly agitated.) Robbie, I’ve asked you a question. I
think you owe me an explanation.
ROBBIE (Rising to meet JAMES’ anger.) I don’t owe you anything. But I’m
not having an affair with him, if that’s what you think.
JAMES So how do you know him?
ROBBIE He took a shine to me. I went along with it. At rst it was just
company and I felt sorry for him. It was perfectly innocent.
Then it kind of developed into giving me money and stuff. And
now . . . he’s asking for a bit more . . .
JAMES (Sarcastically.) Well where did you think it was leading? And
why didn’t you tell me?
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SOHO CINDERS 61
ROBBIE There are things about you that I never questioned such as
your ancée and there are things about me . . .
JAMES . . . which you should have told me, Robbie. I’m running forLondon Mayor, for God’s sake.
ROBBIE Yes, and until tonight, I was your uncomplicated escape from
all that.
JAMES Uncomplicated? Jesus. If the Press get hold of this. Oh God.
Have you any idea what this will look like?
ROBBIE What do you mean?
JAMES “Industry tycoon pays young gay guy for company”. Join the
dots, Robbie, they’ll make you out to be an escort. Worse. A
rent boy.
ROBBIE I never had sex with him.
JAMES No, but you took his money. And if they link me to you . . .
”The politician cheating on his ancée with a rent boy”. So
tragic it’s almost funny.
ROBBIE But I never took your money even though we had . . . no, this
is all wrong. It’s not like that. James. I’m your lover. I’m not a
rent boy.
(ROBBIE makes a move towards JAMES.)
I’ve fallen in love with you. That’s why I left the party. I can’t
be with anyone else. I don’t want to be with anyone else.
JAMES I can’t take this. Jesus Christ. What have I done?
(JAMES turns and walks away into the night. ROBBIE calls after
him.)
ROBBIE James! James!
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ACT TWO62
Music No. 11 – THEY DON’T MAKE GLASS SLIPPERS
ROBBIE
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS JUST A LITTLE BOYAND HE THOUGHT THE WHOLE WORLD WAS HISWASN’T VERY OLD WHEN HE CAME TO FIND OUTTHAT THAT’S NOT HOW IT IS
THEY DON’T MAKE GLASS SLIPPERSIT’S NO GREAT SURPRISEIF THEY MAKE GLASS SLIPPERSTHEY DON’T HAVE MY SIZE
HAPPY EVER AFTERSALWAYS TURN OUT WRONGNO FAIRY GODMOTHERPOPS UP TO HELP THINGS ALONG
THEY DON’T MAKE GLASS SLIPPERSPRETTY AS THEY SEEMTROUBLE IS GLASS SLIPPERSSHATTER LIKE A DREAM
WHY DON’T HANDSOME PRINCESPRACTICE WHAT THEY PREACHMAGICAL KINGDOMSARE ALWAYS JUST OUT OF MY REACH
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS JUST A LITTLE BOYAND HE THOUGHT THE WHOLE WORLD WAS HISWASN’T VERY OLD WHEN HE CAME TO FIND OUTTHAT THAT’S NOT HOW IT IS
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS JUST A LITTLE BOYAND HE THOUGHT THE WHOLE WORLD WAS HISWASN’T VERY OLD WHEN HE CAME TO FIND OUTTHAT THAT’S NOT HOW IT IS
THEY DON’T MAKE GLASS SLIPPERSIT’S NO GREAT SURPRISEIF THEY MAKE GLASS SLIPPERS
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SOHO CINDERS 63
THEY DON’T HAVE MY SIZE
HAPPY EVER AFTERS
ALWAYS TURN OUT WRONG
NO FAIRY GODMOTHER
POPS UP TO HELP THINGS ALONG
NO FAIRY GODMOTHER
POPS UP TO HELP THINGS ALONG
SCENE THREE – Campaign Headquarters – the following morning
A crisis meeting betweenWILLIAM
,MARILYN
andJAMES
is taking place.
NARRATOR The following morning all is not well in James Prince’s
campaign headquarters. The events of the previous evening
have thrown everything up in the air. Having seen the way
James looked at both Marilyn and Robbie, William George
fears an impending double dip depression.
WILLIAM Well, James? Just like Prince Charles . . . I’m all ears.
(WILLIAM holds up a piece of paper with phone numbers in it.)
You seen this? This is a list of donors, all of whom were
there last night, all of whom have called today asking for an
explanation. Now before I make one up, I’d like to hear the
truth from you.
(Silence.)
For God’s sake say something.
JAMES I’ve no idea what he was doing there. He was hired by
Bellingham as ’company’.
WILLIAM The boy?
JAMES Yes. His name’s Robbie.
WILLIAM And do you know him?
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ACT TWO64
JAMES I’ve been seeing him for four months.
MARILYN Oh no.
WILLIAM What?
MARILYN Shut up, William.
WILLIAM He was “hired” by Bellingham? You mean . . . he’s a rent boy?
MARILYN Oh please no.
JAMES He’s not. But Bellingham was paying him for company.
Apparently they never had sex.
WILLIAM And what about you?
JAMES Paying for sex? Of course not! Between him and me . . . no
money ever changed hands.
WILLIAM Oh well that’s ne, then. The papers won’t give a toss. Won’t
even be interested. I’ll call the f-ing pope, have you put up for
sainthood. Halle-pissing-lu-yah.
JAMES William, please.
WILLIAM Fiancée, secret gay rent boy lover, politician. Boom! The
perfect storm. Cancel the diary. Cancel the campaign. Shit.
(MARILYN goes to leave.)
JAMES Marilyn. It’s sounds so . . . weak; but I’m sorry. Marilyn?
MARILYN James. I don’t want to hear it and this is certainly not
something I wish to discuss in front of him. (Indicating WILLIAM.)
I’ll see you at home.
(MARILYN looks at a poster of JAMES PRINCE with the logo ’How
can you go wrong with honest.’ )
Pathetic.
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SOHO CINDERS 65
Music No. 11a – SPIN – REPRISE
(MARILYN leaves the ofce.)
MARILYN Oh God.
MARILYN
HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG WITH HONEST?HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG WITH SIMPLE TRUTH?REMEMBER? - THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE WANTSINCE WHEN DID DECENCY BECOME OLD-FASHIONEDHIDDEN BY A SMOKE SCREEN OF CLICHE?
HE PROMISED THAT HE’D PLAY IT STRAIGHTLAUGHABLE I KNOW BUT WAIT . . .
( A phone rings in MARILYN’ S bag. We recognise it as ROBBIE’S ringtone.)
MARILYN What on earth . . . ? (She searches in her bag.) I don’t believethis. (She answers.) Hello? (Robbie?) No, but this is his phone.(So who are you?) This is Marilyn Platt. (Well what are youdoing with Robbie’s phone.) He dropped it last night. He had
to leave in something of a hurry. (Well where is he?) Look, I’veno idea where he is. (So are you going to return his phone?)I’m sorry? No I will not return his fucking phone.
(MARILYN exits while, back in the ofce, JAMES sits with his headin his hands.)
JAMES Oh Christ.
WILLIAM He may be the son of God but even he can’t help you now.
JAMES What am I going to do?
WILLIAM I will tell you what you are going to do. First you are goingto go home. Shower and clean up. You’ve not only beensocialising in the gutter you smell like you’ve been rolling init. Get a car to pick you up. From round the back. This messwill have leaked by this afternoon and I want you seriouslyunavailable for comment. Do you understand that?
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ACT TWO66
(JAMES nods.)
Good. Second, start writing the best apology speech ever
written and we’ll just see if I can do an impersonation of theMessiah and rescue this out-of-control campaign. Now go.
(JAMES exits.)
Music No. 11b – UNDERSCORE into THE TAIL THAT WAGS THE DOG
(WILLIAM pulls out the invitation card on which the stepsisters’
phone number is written in lipstick. He dials. Lights come up
on CLODAGH and DANA, as their phone starts to vibrate. Theyanswer .)
WILLIAM This is William George. You gave me your number at theevent last night. You told me that Robbie is your brother, orstepbrother.
CLODAGH That’s right.
WILLIAM So presumably you have an address for him.
CLODAGH Yeah. He works in the launderette next door.
WILLIAM In Old Compton Street. Right, here’s what’s going to happen.In a few hours time you’re going to have a lot of Pressassembling outside your establishment, rather keen to nd outmore about your brother.
CLODAGH Go on. What’s that got to do with us?
WILLIAM I want you to make your brother’s colourful life sound evenmore colourful. As sordid as you like. Now that shouldn’t betoo hard should it?
CLODAGH And what’s in it for us?
WILLIAM Trust me. People will pay a lot for your story. I’ll make sure ofthat. Now enjoy your moment in the sun.
(He hangs up. Lights go down on CLODAGH and DANA.)
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SOHO CINDERS 67
Tea, get in here.
(SASHA enters.)
SASHA Yes, William. What was all that about?
WILLIAM That, my dear Tea, was what you call an opportunity. A greatbig mincing opportunity.
Music No. 12 – THE TAIL THAT WAGS THE DOG
WILLIAM Get me a car.
SASHA Where are we going?
WILLIAM Bellingham Industries.
(SASHA re-enters with WILLIAM’S coat.)
WILLIAM
THE POLITICS OF POLITICSBEHOLD “THE PEOPLE’S CHOICE”HE MAY BE MUSIC TO THEIR EARS
BUT I’M HIS MASTER’S VOICETHE DASHING POLITICIANLET EVERYONE RAISE A GLASS
I KNOCK THEM INTO SHAPEI MOULD THEM TILL THEY FITI PLUMP THE CUSHIONS ON THE SEATWHERE I’D PREFER TO SITI PULL THE STRINGS
AND CALL THE SHOTSI GROOM THEM FOR THE THRONEI’M THE TAIL THAT WAGS THE DOGBUT IT’S THE DOG THAT GETS THE BONE
HE SEEMED THE PERFECT PACKAGEBUT TOO BAD HE HAD A FLAWIT ONLY TAKES ONE WEAKNESSAND THE PRESS WILL PICK IT RAW
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ACT TWO68
WE NEED A STRONG SUCCESSOR
DOES ANYONE SPRING TO MIND?
THE MONKEY’S ON THE SCRAP HEAP
WATCH THE ORGAN GRINDER GRINDI KNOCK THEM INTO SHAPE
SASHA
YOU KNOCK THEM INTO SHAPE
WILLIAM
I MOULD THEM TILL THEY FIT
SASHAYOU MOULD THEM TILL THEY FIT
WILLIAM
I PLUMP THE CUSHIONS ON THE SEAT
SASHA
WHERE