So Not Happening Chapters 1 -2

8/14/2019 So Not Happening Chapters 1 -2

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chater one

One year ago my mom got traded in for a newer model.And thats when my life fell apart.Do you, Jillian Leigh Kirkwood . . .

Standing by my mothers side as she marries the man who is so

not my dad, I suppress a sigh and try to wiggle my toes in these

hideous shoes. The hideous shoes that match my hideous maid-of-honor dress. I like to look at things on the bright side, but the only

positive thing about this frock is that Ill never have to wear it

again.

. . . take Jacob Ralph Finley . . .

Ralph?My new stepdads middle name is Ralph? Okay, do we

need one more red flag here? My mom is marrying this guy, and I

didnt even know his middle name. Did she? I check her face for

signs of revulsion, signs of doubt. Signs of Hey, what am I thinking?

I dont want Jacob Ralph Finley to be my daughters new stepdad.

I see none of these things twinkling in my moms crystal blue

eyes. Only joy. Disgusting, unstoppable joy.

Does anyone have an objection? The pastor smiles and scans

the small crowd in the Tulsa Fellowship Church. Let him speaknow or forever hold his peace.

So Not Happening.indd 1 3/2/09 12:53:11 PM


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Oh my gosh. I totally object! I look to my right and lock eyes with

Logan, the older of my two soon-to-be stepbrothers. In the six hoursthat I have been in Oklahoma preparing for this blessed event,

Logan and I have not said five words to one another. Like weve

mutually agreed to be enemies.

I stare him down.

His eyes laser into mine.

Do we dare?

He gives a slight nod, and my heart triples in beat.

Then by the powers vested in me before God and the family

and friends of

No!

The church gasps.

I throw my hands over my mouth, wishing the floor would

swallow me.I, Bella Kirkwood, just stopped my own mothers wedding.

And I have no idea where to go from here. Its not like I do this

every day, okay? Cant say Ive stopped a lot of weddings in my six-

teen years.

My mom swivels around, her big white dress making crunchy

noises. She takes a step closer to me, still flashing her pearly veneers

at the small crowd.

What, she hisses near my ear, are you doing?

I glance at Logan, whose red locks hang like a shade over his

eyes. He nods again.

Um . . . um . . . Mom, I havent had a chance to talk to you at all this

week . . . My voice is a tiny whisper. Sweat beads on my forehead.

Honey, now is not exactly the best time to share our feelingsand catch up.



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My eyes dart across the sanctuary, where one hundred and fifty

people are perched on the edge of their seats. And its not becausetheyre anxious for the chicken platters coming their way after the

ceremony.

Mom, the dudes middle name is Ralph.

She leans in, and were nose to nose. You just stopped my wed-

ding and thats what you wanted to tell me?

Faintthats what Ill do next time I need to halt a wedding.

How well do you know Jake? You only met six months ago.

Some of the heat leaves her expression. Ive known him long

enough to know that I love him, Bella. I knew it immediately.

But what if youre wrong? I rush on, I mean, Ive only been

around him a few times, and Im not so sure. He could be a serial

killer for all we know. I can count on one hand the times Ive been

around Jake. My mom usually visited him when I was at my dads.Her voice is low and hurried. I understand this isnt easy for

you. But our lives have changed. Its going to be an adventure, Bel.

Adventure? You call meeting a man on the Internet and forcing me

to move across the country to live with his family an adventure? An

adventure is swimming with dolphins in the Caribbean. An adven-

ture is touring the pyramids in Egypt. Or shopping at the Saks

after-Thanksgiving sale with Dads credit card. This, I do believe,

qualifies as a nightmare!

You know Ive prayed about this. Jake and I both have. We

know this is Gods will for us. I need you to trust me, because Ive

never been more sure about anything in my life.

A single tear glides down Moms cheek, and I feel my heart

constrict. This time last year my life was so normal. So happy. CanI just hit the reverse button and go back?



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Slowly I nod. Okay, Mom. Its kind of hard to argue with God

says this is right. (Though I happen to think Hes wrong.)The preacher clears his throat and lifts a bushy black brow.

You can continue, I say, knowing Ive lost the battle. She had

something in her teeth. Yes, thats the best I've got.

I. Am. An. Idiot.

And now, by the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you Mr.

and Mrs. Jacob Finley. You may kiss your bride.

Nope. Cant watch.

I turn my head as the Wedding March starts. Logan walks to

my side, and I link my arm in his. Though were both going to be

juniors, hes a head taller than me. Its like were steptwins. He grabs

his six-year-old brother, Robbie, with his other hand, and off we go

in time to the music. Robbie throws rose petals all around us, gig-

gling with glee, oblivious to the fact that we just witnessed a cere-mony marking the end of life as we know it.

Good job stopping the wedding. Logan smirks. Very successful.

I jab my elbow into his side. At least I tried! You did nothing!

I just wanted to see if you had it in you. And you dont.

I snarl in his direction as the camera flashes, capturing this day

for all eternity.

Last week I was living in Manhattan in a two-story apartment

between Sarah Jessica Parker and Katie Couric. I could hop a train to

Macys and Bloomies. My friends and I could eat dinner at Tao and

see who could count the most celebs. I had Broadway in my backyard

and Daddys MasterCard in my wallet.

Then my mom got married.

And I got a new life.I shouldve paid that six-year-old to pull the fire alarm.



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chater two

There is nothing like watching your mother dance in the armsof a giant of a man who is notyour father.

As I pick at my rubbery chicken breast and limp green beans, I

stare at Jake. Wearing a goofy grin, he spins my mom to some

Michael Bubl tune about how sweet love is. Sweet? I think its nau-seating. Totally hurl-worthy.

I watch my moms aunt Shirley shimmy her girth under the

limbo pole. My mothers parents died before I was born, so there

wasnt a lot of family on the brides side of the chapel.

My phone rings and I slap it open. Hey.

Do I hear the chicken dance? There is absolutely no sincerity

in my best friend Mias voice. Hows the wedding of the New York

socialite and the merry widower?

The ink on my parents divorce papers is barely dry and my

mom hauls me to Oklahoma, over a thousand miles away from my

friends, my dad, and my home. And for what? To live with some oaf

and his two bratty sons. On a farm no less. If I have to slop some

hogs, I am on the first plane back to Manhattan.Just counting the seconds until they leave for their honeymoon



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and I fly back to New York. Im staying with my dad while Mom

and Jake rendezvous in Jamaica. Hopefully I can talk Dad into let-ting me stay. Forever.

How are the stepbrothers?

Mutants, just like last time I met them. I stab a piece of cake

with my fork. I dont trust these people, Mia. Especially Jake.

Whats that guy got up his sleeve that he would charm my mom

into marrying him? I Googled the guy, and I found nothing. Dont

you find that strange?

Er . . . no.

What if Jake Finley isnt his real name? It could be his alias. He

could have a prison record.

You think hes a

Psychopathic, serial-killing, online predator? I nod. Just one

of the many possibilities I have to face here.I think youre overreacting.

And I think I know trouble when I see it. I write an advice

column for our school Web site, so I deal with problems daily. I

know all about catastrophe.

Oh, Bella . . .

My mom just married a total stranger, I will soon live at a zoo,

and my new six-year-old stepbrother is dipping his Batman doll in

the punch bowl. I drag my hand through my chestnut locks. Am I

the only one who sees the problem here?

You can do this. Wheres our little optimist?

Shes in New York. Where her life is. After we hang up, I grab

a napkin and blow my nose. Right on the part that says Jacob and

Jillian Finley.This all happened so fast. I still dont understand it all. One min-



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ute my mom is e-mailing this guy and then six months later, theyre

married. And I cant call my dad. He doesnt get in from Tahiti untiltomorrow morning, in time to pick me up at the airport. Yeah, hes

wrapping up another vacation with his latest barely legal girlfriend,

whose name I forget. Something like Kippy, Kimmie, or Magenta.

Im serious. The last girl I mether name was Magenta. With a

name like that, you know she has to be a stripper. Its her destiny.

So both of my parents are totally messed up right now. One

thinks shes found true love. Again. And the other is currently dat-

ing through the alphabet.

Bella! My mother breaks through the masses, pulling Whats-

His-Name behind her by the hand. After a group hug, in which Jake

stands uncomfortably, still linked to Mom, an awkward silence falls.

I take this opportunity to stare at Jake, taking in his gargantuan

form, his outdated ponytail, and the little scar over his right brow.Do you get that youre ruining my life? If youre an ax murderer, I want

you to know I am so on to you. My dad knows tae kwon do, and if you

ever raise your voice at me, he will whip out his black belt and go all

Jackie Chan on you.

Bel, I cant wait until this week is up and were all back together.

Were going to spend some quality time with one another before

school starts. Get adjusted. My mom leans into her new husband.

Gonna. Hurl.

Plus we have to teach Bella here how to milk a cow. Jake

winks and everyone laughs. Except me.

Okay, God, I dont know what Youre up to, but this is not my idea

of a good time. How could You do this to me? How could You rip me

from my home and drop me here

in Hicksville? Because, God

Oklahoma? Its not O-K.

So Not Happening Chapters 1 -2

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