SMARTHINKING's E-Structor Response Form (Your Marked-up Essay is Below This

8/14/2019 SMARTHINKING's E-Structor Response Form (Your Marked-up Essay is Below This

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SMARTHINKING's E-structor Response Form

(Your marked-up essay is below this form.)

HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about youressay in the form below. Your e-structor has also embedded comments [in bold andin brackets] throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing SMARTHINKING's OWL;best wishes with revising your paper!

Hi, Michelle, and welcome to Smarthinking.com! Thanks for using our services. My name isPriscilla, and today I will be responding to your essay. After pointing out your strengths, I willfocus on ways to help with your writing.

*Strengths of the essay:

You include a lot of information in your essay, Michelle, which helps in the area of content.

However, Im not sure if your paper follows the assignment very well. The main problem isorganization. Lets work on that, okay?

*Michell 2579164 has requested that you respond to the Introduction/Conclusion:

Michelle, introductions serve three purposes to get the attention of the audience, to provide

some background information on the topic, and to state the main point of the paper. Can youthink of a question or take a quote from the article to start the essay? Something that wouldget the attention of your audience? Dont refer to the assignment in your paper, such as Inthis review After you have a grabbig opening, you should include between three and fivesentences or so to state the argument(s) of the author of the article. Then, as yourassignment is supposed to be on evidence, you will need a thesis statement that deals withthat topic. (Ill discuss thesis statements in the next section.)

Like introductions, conclusions serve three main purposes to restate the main point of theessay, to summarize the main ideas from the paper, and to end with a sentence or a questionthat leaves an impression on the audience. This should be easier to revise once you have aclear thesis statement and supporting topic sentences.

For information on introductions and/or conclusions, you can go to:

http://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/3_18.cfm

Main Idea/Thesis:

As you may know, Michelle, a thesis statement should tell your audience the main topic of theessay and do the following: make a claim that can be supported with evidence, hold the papertogether by stating the most important point of the essay, usually consist of one sentence, andcome at the end of the introduction. Your thesis statement also can set up the structure forthe essay. Because you are supposed to look at the authors argument(s) and evidence, yourthesis statement might look something like this:
http://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/3_18.cfmhttp://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/3_18.cfm


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In the article Mice are intelligent, Smith (2002) convinces his audience that mice are smartwith facts and statistics,his own research, and personal stories from lab technicians. and

That thesis sets up an essay with three main paragraphs or sections one on the facts andstats, one on research, and one on personal stories. Do you see how that works?

What types of evidence did the author use in the article you read? Can you organize yourpaper around those types and then use examples to illustrate if the author supported hisclaims or failed to support his claims? For more ideas about thesis statements, you cango to:

http://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/3_06.cfm\

Organization:

Once you have a clear thesis statement, Michelle, you should consider working on the topicsentences for your body paragraphs. The topic sentence (the first sentence in eachparagraph) should let your audience know the topic of the paragraph. Topic sentences shouldbe statements, not quotations or questions. For example, the topic sentences for your bodyparagraphs or first paragraphs in each section might look like this:

1. In the article Mice are Intelligent, Smith (2002) uses facts and statistics to convince hisaudience that mice are smart.2. In addition to facts and statistics, Smith (2002) uses his own research to illustrate thatmice are smart.3. Besides scientific data, Smith (2002) includes personal stories from lab technicians to showthat mice can think.

With that, the start of my conclusion might look like this:

In conclusion, with facts and statistics,his own research, and personal stories, Smith (2002)convinces his audience that mice are intelligent animals.

*Michell 2579164 has requested that you respond to the Grammar & Mechanics:

I wouldnt worry about grammar until you have an organized essay.

Summary of Next Steps:

When revising, Michelle, consider:1. Revsiing the introduction and conclusion.2. Writing a strong thesis statement for an evaluation.

3. Writing strong topic sentences.4. Organizing information logically.5. Taking out the informal I in your essay.

Good luck with the revisions, Michelle, and come back if you want additional help.

Thanks,
http://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/3_06.cfm%5Chttp://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/3_06.cfm%5Chttp://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/3_06.cfm%5C


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Priscilla

Find additional resources in SMARTHINKING's online library:

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage inSMARTHINKING's student handbooks. You can visit the SMARTHINKING Writer's

Handbook or the SMARTHINKING ESOL (English for speakers of other languages)Writer's Handbook.

*******************************************************************************

Please look for more comments in your essay below. Thank you for visitingSMARTHINKING. We encourage you to submit future essays.

In this review, I will discus Guy Sormans article in The City Journal, spring 2007,Empire of Lies- the twenty -first century will not belong to China. [You will want astronger opening and to eliminate the use of the first person I in your essay.]Sorman takes the reader into what he calls the Real China. It is a provocative look into

the China, that for the reader, it would seem in many ways, is not only unwilling but also,somewhat incapable, of seeing past the deeply imbedded Communist upbringing of thepast and present. [Your introduction should include a couple more lines ofbackground on the topic and then a strong thesis statement that sets up the

argument.]

As well as Chinas economical status, Sorman delves into her moralistic and ethicalstanding. He claims that the Communist Party authorities main concern is not for social

and economical development of its people, but that of power and control for the Party. Itgave me a chance to look into a culture that I seriously had little idea on. [Again, takeout personal opinions.] However, while I am yet to be completely convinced ofeverything Sorman puts forward in this article, I am willing to concede that it has openedmy eyes greatly.

While one can not argue that China has its fair share of corruption within the Party, serveexploitations of her subjects, massive pollution problems (1 China being the largestemitter of greenhouse gases), unrest in rural countryside, just to name a few of the thingswe hear everyday, in the news and other media, we must also acknowledge the progressshe has made.

[It seems as though from the assignment that you are supposed to evaluate theevidence that the author uses to justify the arguments.]

2China's economy, in the last 30 years, has gone from a centrally planned system that

1http://www.csmonitor.com/2007/0628/p12s01-wogi.htmlDate accessed 1/12/092https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/geos/ch.htmlDate accessed 10/12/09
http://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/contents.cfmhttp://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/contents.cfmhttp://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/ESOLman/contents.cfmhttp://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/ESOLman/contents.cfmhttp://www.csmonitor.com/2007/0628/p12s01-wogi.htmlhttps://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/geos/ch.htmlhttp://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/contents.cfmhttp://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/contents.cfmhttp://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/ESOLman/contents.cfmhttp://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/ESOLman/contents.cfmhttp://www.csmonitor.com/2007/0628/p12s01-wogi.htmlhttps://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/geos/ch.html


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was mostly closed to international trade to a more market-oriented economy that isgrowing rapidly in the private sector and now is among the major players in the globaleconomy. Although one of Sormans subjects claim that many ofChinas products are worthless, 3China exported $878 billion worth of goods betweenJanuary and September of 2007, up 27 percent from 2006, despite certain recalls of

products.

The 2008 Olympic Games saw China at its best, having Jacques Rogge, IOC president,declaring the event a truly exceptional Games. It may have led to a long-term change inenvironmental policy as well. However, economically speaking, 4impact of the Gameson Beijing and China as a whole is still unclear.

Outsiders have, and still do, see China as a threat in man ways. Although her apparentsocial inadequacys seem to be her biggest downfall.

Take the

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Single Child Policy, a smart introduction theoretically speaking. Introducedby Deng Xiaoping in 1979 in a bid to slow Chinas vastly over populated society.6 thepolicy officially restricts the number of babies born to married urban couples. Itsupposedly allows for certain exemptions, including minorities, rural couples andparents without siblings. Outwardly, it would seem that this policy has worked bringing7Chinas fertility rate down to 1.7. However, at what cost?[This essay is very confusing. A lot of times its not clear if these are your arguments

or the authors arguments. You need strong organization for the body paragraphs.]

Sorman wrote about the tragedy in the city of Linyi and its surrounding rural area, wherein their thousands, women had been kidnapped and forced by family planning to aborttheir babies, many in very late stages of pregnancy. And to Chinas, apparent preference,to baby boys leading to the widely spread female feticides and gender imbalance.Statistics would also support this claim, as for8every 131 boys born there is only about100 girls. This preference is not a government standing policy and many of Chinassubjects believe that boys are in many ways far superior to females. Can you really blamethis on the government? I am not convinced that this is something you can entirely blameon the Party, but more likely an upbringing. Chinese officials have discredited evidenceof any abuse regarding their One Child policy and stand by it.

3http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/13/business/worldbusiness/13trade.htmlDate accessed 1/12/094http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2008_Summer_OlympicsDate accessed 7/12/095http://geography.about.com/od/populationgeography/a/onechild.htmDate accessed 4/12/096http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One-child_policy Date accessed 1/12/097http://geography.about.com/od/populationgeography/a/onechild.htmDate accessed 4/12/098http://www.tiscali.co.uk/reference/encyclopaedia/hutchinson/m0012028.htmlDate accessed 4/12/09
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/13/business/worldbusiness/13trade.htmlhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2008_Summer_Olympicshttp://geography.about.com/od/populationgeography/a/onechild.htmhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One-child_policyhttp://geography.about.com/od/populationgeography/a/onechild.htmhttp://www.tiscali.co.uk/reference/encyclopaedia/hutchinson/m0012028.htmlhttp://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/13/business/worldbusiness/13trade.htmlhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2008_Summer_Olympicshttp://geography.about.com/od/populationgeography/a/onechild.htmhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One-child_policyhttp://geography.about.com/od/populationgeography/a/onechild.htmhttp://www.tiscali.co.uk/reference/encyclopaedia/hutchinson/m0012028.html


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Sorman, 9who completed his PhD in 1964, from the Institute of Political Sciences, amonghis long list of accolades, has travelled throughout China since 1967 and has been inmany places in China that few Westerners ever get to go. While he fails to put forward

any substantial evidence of his claims, we have to take into consideration his extensiveplight for the truth through the people he has interview. He has recorded the words andsilent thoughts of what he calls exceptional Chinese men and women. Those few that,not only dream about, but also desperately need China to change. People like 75 year oldMadam Ding Zilin who fights for the victims of Tiananmen Square, who under Chinasthen leader of the PRC, Deng Xiaopings instructions, where massacred because theydared fight for democracy and the right to freedom, and those responsible to be accountedfor. Alternatively, the many thousands of AIDS sufferers imprisoned within theirvillages, which not only go without government support but also basic medical supplies.

[Again, you need to make things clear for your audience. Also, are you supposed to

use footnotes?]If we were to believe the statistics, that show China is indeed on the fast climb toeconomical growth and social stability, it would be hard to deny that China is definitely afront-runner to make claim to this century. Nevertheless, can we rely on everything theParty tells us as outsiders? Is China as stable as it seems? Not just economically speakingbut moralistically speaking as well. Who gets to determine those answers? I wouldassume the answers would lie deep within the people of China. We all know politicianslie, this is not just a rumour, and it indeed is fact. So what makes the politicians of Chinaany different? For someone who honestly has very little understanding about the politicsof her own country, let alone that of China I am not willing to take sides on this particularsubject. I can however say that this reading has given me a lot to think about and I didfind it extremely interesting albeit somewhat disturbing.

9 http://www.clarehall.cam.ac.uk/index.php?id=222

SMARTHINKING's E-Structor Response Form (Your Marked-up Essay is Below This

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