Skills for Difficult Conversations

PurposeStrategies for you to use and to share with your students.

Increase ability to Advocate for yourself/your students Create opportunities for conversation where

typically we might be silent Able to talk about issues of identity, power, culture,

bias that affect each of us and your students Use conversation as a tool for social change

Objectives

Identify a high stakes conversation Articulate changes in the body and brain that occur

during conflict Explain and employ the STOP strategy for increasing

self-awareness in conflict Identify own tendencies when feel unsafe in high

risk conversations Identify the conditions for safety in a high risk

conversation Identify and employ three techniques for restoring

safety

0People feel misunderstood, offended,no progress on the issue

10Great, effective

conversation, the message

gets heard

High Stakes Conversations Happen When:

The Stakes are HighOpinions DifferEmotions Run High(from Crucial Conversations, Patterson, et al.)

SafetyPeople can feel emotionally or

psychologically unsafe in these situations.

You might feel unsafe. OR the other person might feel unsafe. OR both!

People can feel:Threatened Attacked Shamed Powerless

Misunderstood Labeled as bad

Not seen for who they really are

Start with you

Role Play

Teams of two speakers and an observer

Notice body language, notice how your body feels

How to tell: Am I feeling emotionally unsafe in this conversation?

Our bodies react as if there were a physical threat.

Brain and Body in Conflict

Adrenaline surgeBlood diverted to muscles and limbs

Brain gets less blood flowHard to think clearly

Safety First:Bring the Brain Back Online with Mindfulness

STOP

S = Slow down

T = Take a breath

O = Observe the body

P = Possibilities

Alexander Haley, Present Endeavors

How to tell: Is Someone Else Feeling Emotionally Unsafe in this Conversation?

Some ways that humans communicate when they feel unsafe:

Passive Communication

Safety is gained by not expressing honest feelings, thoughts and beliefs.

When threatened, you back down.

Benefits: ?

Costs: ?

Aggressive Communication

Safety is gained by dominating others, putting others down.

When threatened, you attack.

Benefits: ?

Costs: ?

If: You help the other person feel safe.

Then:Maybe they will hear what you have to say.

Conditions for Safety

Mutual PurposeMutual Respect

Restoring Safety

ApologizeName your mutual purposeState your intention:

What you do meanWhat you don’t mean

Try it out

Scenarios from earlierScenarios from your site

Books and Resources

Act on Life, Not on Anger, Matthew McKay

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when the Stakes are High, Kerry Patterson, et al.

Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior, Kerry Patterson, et al.

Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn

+ / Δ

Questions?

Sinda Nichols, LGSW

Program Director

Minnesota Campus Compact

sinda@mncampuscompact.org

Assertive Communication

Communicating our feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in an open, honest manner

Alternative to being aggressive (abuse other people’s rights) and passive (abuse our own rights)

“I won’t allow you to take advantage of me, and I won’t attack you for being who you are”

Self Reflection

What do you have going for you, in terms of your current skills during tough conversations?

What would you like to do even better in conversations where you feel threatened?

What about when the other person feels threatened? When was a time when you got through a tough

interaction without resorting to passive or aggressive communication?

What was different about that/those times?