Winter Holiday 2011

Seasons Greetings from Seasons Greetings from Seasons Greetings from Seasons Greetings from The Sims Weekly World News!The Sims Weekly World News!The Sims Weekly World News!The Sims Weekly World News!

LAWN GNOME KICKING CHAMPION CROWNED

Every year, Sims from all over Sim City gather to compete for the prestigious title of Lawn Gnome Kicking Champion. This year the contest was held in beautiful Barnacle Bay where ten participants tested their lawn gnome kicking skills against each other to see who would reign as the 2011 champion. Barnacle Bay spared no expense to host the event planting a special garden just for the event. Sims from everywhere in the world showed up, setting a record that rivals audience attendance for only the Superbowl and Wrestlemania, to see the best of the best lawn gnome kickers Sim City has to offer compete for the crown. Some of the contestants train for years to perfect their kicking skills before entering into local qualifying competitions to ensure they make it to the lawn gnome kicking finals.

Holden Wozny was expected to win this year but unfortunately he choked and did nothing but stare longingly at his gnome. He explained, “I don’t know what happened. Just all of a sudden I felt sorry for it and wondered why I had spent years kicking lawn gnomes in preparation for this. It seems so wrong. Next year I think I may end up protesting this event.” Thankfully not everyone feels that way and there was a lot of gnome kicking happening. One participant, who is only known by his SBOX gamer tag, Gnomekicker12, and told us his secret to lawn gnome kicking. “You have to wear the proper shoes. It’s all in the shoes. I have found that bowling shoes work best.”

Other participants told us their edge comes from everything from diet and exercise to the hours they spend running lawn gnome kicking simulations in a game called The Sims 3.After four rounds of lawn gnome kicking Newt Davies from Appaloosa Plains was announced as the winner.

“This is awesome. I never thought I would win. I entered on a whim, mostly as a joke.” Davies told us. We asked him what his secret was. “Rage, just pure rage toward lawn gnomes.” Newt goes home with the gnome he kicked, a trophy suitable for display on the mantle or in a bookcase and a year supply of salad dressing.

BOOK REVIEW – EVERYONE HAS

A BLADDER

Books like Everyone Has a Bladder don’t come around every day. It’s the perfect book to introduce one of the most basic body functions to young kids while at the same time it will help the elderly deal with their new found incontinence. It will make awesome reference material for those needing info for a school report or as supplemental reading material for those stumbling through medical school. It’s really a shame that Everyone Has a Bladder hasn’t made it to the Oprah Book Club where it could be introduced to more people, because, quite honestly, everyone should read this book. Never before has anything so educational been so fun to read. It’s written with humor and understanding that is missing from other books. The full colored diagrams and medical pictures along side simple to understand explanations will help even the most scientifically uninclined understand how the bladder works, why you need one and how to make sure that it stays healthy. Everyone Has a Bladder not only covers the bladder through every stage of life from infant to deceased, but it also looks at the bladder through history and relates many of the myths and tales surrounding the organ. Everyone Has a Bladder is a must read for children and adults of all ages and belongs on every bookshelf and e-reader.

NEW SALON AND DANCE CLUB

OPEN IN APPALOSSA PLAINS

Country suburb Appaloosa Plains is becoming the number one trend setting spot through out Sim City. People used to look to cities like New York or London for the latest and greatest fads, but no more. Not when Appaloosa Plains has such great ideas like adding a dance floor to beauty salons.

When Snip, Style and Dance opened Its doors earlier this week, even Newt Davies, aspiring musician and Lawn Gnome Kicking Champion showed up. Owner Sara Worthington told us that the idea came to her one night in a dream. “I had a very odd dream where I was pole dancing in my underwear where I go to get my hair cut and it just blossomed out of that. Naturally, we can’t have pole dancing in beauty salons but we can make salons the place to be. For years the salon was a social event for older people, they would gossip while sitting under hair dryers. I thought, why not do that for the younger people? I mean, spending a day at the salon has become sort of a girls day out type of thing so why

not make the salon a gathering place where you can take care of all your beauty needs and socialize at the same time. Plus, everyone likes to dance and the clubs don’t open until late in the day. This gives people a place to hang out until then.” Once other cities got word of how popular Snip, Style and Dance was upon opening may salons started getting makeovers and adding dance floors. While this isn’t the craziest fad to hit Sim City, it has made the current top 10 list right after roasting horse fertilizer.

BIGFOOT SPOTTED

AGAIN…SORT OF

This isn’t the first time Bigfoot has been spotting somewhere in Sim City and it probably won’t be the last. The only difference is, this time someone was lucky enough to get a picture. Since science cable station, Sim Science, has offered ten thousand simoleons to the person who can produce an authentic picture of the sasquach creature, Sims have been more motivated than ever to track the illusive creature just for a photograph. This means that there is a lucky Sim in the area who is ten thousand simoleons richer, right? Wrong. Jack Tanner took the following photograph this past week while trekking though Simhenge National Park.

Sim Science, Laandgrab Science Center and Plumbob Pictures are all saying that while it is indeed a good picture of Bigfoot, they can’t accept the photo. Mr. Tanner is saying that Sim Science is trying to get out of paying him the money. “They said they would pay big money for a picture of Bigfoot. I gave them a picture of Bigfoot. I don’t understand the problem.” Scientists at Laangrab Science Center were the first to say that the photograph produced was not a photo of Bigfoot. The Laandgrab media rep, whose name we forgot, told us, “We don’t know what that is a picture of, but it’s clearly not Bigfoot.” Douglas Apes who is in charge of Verifying Things for Sim Science echoed what Laangrab Science Center said. “We showed the photo to several people there and they all said that it wasn’t Bigfoot for one reason or another be it that the Bigfoot in the picture was the wrong color or not large enough. One scientist even said that Bigfoot has a severe cherry tree allergy and since Bigfoot was near a cherry tree it was obviously faked.” Plumbob Pictures director, Kym Kim, stepped up with an explanation. “We know that there is at least one Bigfoot living in Sunset Valley and we have been trying to find him, or her, to sign to a lucrative contract, but this is not him, or her. This photo is one of our props that we use when we need to film a Bigfoot at a distance. In fact, we are currently filming at Simhenge National Park

where Mr. Tanner took this photo. We apologize deeply for the misunderstanding and for any emotional and or mental anguish we have caused because of this misunderstanding.” Mr. Tanner isn’t convinced though. “I am positive that Sim Science paid these people off to say that this isn’t an authentic photo of Bigfoot. I don’t know how, but somehow I will prove to them that I really did see Bigfoot. If I have to I will get my lawyer involved in this. Maybe legal action will make them change their mind.”

NOT ALL DEER ARE BAMBI

Celebrity sightings in Sim City happen quite frequently. After all, there is some misinformation floating around that Sim City is the place to move to if you are tired of the weirdness of urban life. Many celebrities move to Sim City believing that and then find out that their lives have become much weirder. As far as celebrity sightings go, never before has anyone claimed to have seen an animal star until now. Several people have reported that they have spotted Bambi wandering around the hills of Sunset Valley. Phil Charles, head of Sunset Valley Parks and Recreation is reminding people that every deer they see is not Bambi. “Bambi was born in 1942, that would make him…well, dead. Deer live 19 years tops and no deer has ever lived to be 69. People, please, get a life.”

SIMS ANTI-ICE CREAM TRUCK

Sims everywhere love ice cream, but they don’t love the local ice cream man. Police departments in all Sim City suburbs have taken a collective total of 83,247 complaints about Thom Rhodes in the last week alone. The problem revolves around his ice cream selling times. Police Chief Hank Goddard told us, “Every complaint that has been lodged has been between the hours of 10pm and 4am. Yes, Mr. Rhodes continues to deliver ice cream after most people have gone to sleep. Every night we get complaints that he is parked outside someone’s home playing his calliope music. While that is fine at three in the afternoon, it’s not at three in the morning.”

“People are worried that Mr. Rhodes has become what is known as a creeper and are wary of buying Freezer Bunny Pops from him.” There is currently a petition campaign that would force Mr. Rhodes to sell his ice cream truck.

SWWN HAIKU CONTEST

This past week The Sims Weekly World News hosted its first ever Haiku Contest. Participants were given 48 hours to write a haiku about The Sims. Thanks to all of our talented participants and congratulations to the winners.

First Place: Judywork1957 Life lessons to learn money spent on sims much cheaper than therapy charge Second Place: Seaweady What's that ripe odor? Did you leave the waffles out? Please take a spongebath. Third Place: Yanti Sims a way of life Whether building or playing Fills hours with delight While the following entries didn’t win, we still liked them very much.

In the Sims, you can Live your life the way you want Whenever you want ~ Tenderwolf Building houses and Creating people are just Part of The Sims 3

~ Tenderwolf Oh, a Sim haiku! I always overthink them. I might think of one. ~ Sherry1968 In sim worlds life you can possibly destroy or life you can fullfill ~ Judywork1957 A grand house to build A brand new world to create A sim wish to grant ~ Judywork1957 Honorable Mentions: These two poems didn’t quite meet the definition of haiku but they were awesome attempts and want to share them anyway. Sims are a sure treat motherlode makes everything hunky dory Strange things happen cowplants, bigfoot, unicorns

~ Yanti Bubbles of llamas and magical flying horse gnomes are why we play the Sims 3.

~ Sherry1968

CLASSIFIEDS

MISSED CONNECTION –

Hogan’s diner. You tripped on

your way to the bathroom

hitting your head on the jukebox knocking yourself out. I

had to leave before the ambulance arrived as I was on

my lunch break. Think you’re cute. Call me. 555-963-2585

FOR SALE: 3,486 lawn gnomes.

These were all found while digging foundation for house.

Not sure of age, may be antiques. All are in excellent

condition. $5.00 each. Discount for large quantities. 555-963-

8747

REWARD: The following items

were stolen from my trash can: 3 old newspapers, 8 units scrap

metal, 1 lawn gnome, 1 bottle of bubble bath, 2 rare seeds and

1 rubber duck. Offering reward for return. 555-963-2314

KITTENS – Free to good home.

Cute, loveable, fluffy, snuggly kittens. 555-963-4783

WOMAN SEEKING MAN –

Strong, handsome, muscular

man who is handy with a screwdriver and hammer

wanted to do odd jobs around my house. 555-963-1163

WANTED: Old disco 45’s for

skeet shooting practice. Box

913657

FOR SALE OR TRADE: Large rock collection. Make offer. Will

not ship, very heavy. 555-963-6559

VOLENTEERS NEEDED –

Laandgrab Science Center is looking for healthy volunteers to

take part in a medical study. We are studying the long term

effects of eating roasted horse fertilizer on Sims. We offer free

medical exams and

compensation. Visit the science facility to participate.

HELP WANTED: Rags to Riches

Consignment Store looking to hire two consignment specialist.

Must have good people skills and willingness to help

customers. Apply in person.

DOG WALKER looking for work. Finding out you don’t have the

time due to work and other commitments to walk your dog?

I will do it for you regardless of

weather. 5 years experience walking my own dogs. 555-963-

8962

FOR SALE: Ice cream truck. Make offer. 555-963-2658