SidNews Letter from the editor(s)

First of all I must apologise on behalf of us here at SidNews for the atrocious lack of or-

ganisation in getting out what is a staple to the life of any Sidneyite. I have seen students

delirious with Siditious with-drawals, strewn across the masters lawn crying out hope-

lessly for there weekly dose of witticisms, college information and updates on the ever con-

tinuing bird/cockchafer battle (the more astute amongst you

will notice that I am referring to both the bugs and the first years...both of whom are still

losing out to the birds...). The main reason, though not ex-cuse, for our inadequacies

stems from the fact that I (the son) have expected Jack (the father) to write up the final

edition, whilst in turn Jack has been waiting for Danny (the holy-of sorts– spirit) to pull his

socks up and get something in...Danny in the meantime has been expecting a Thai massage

for two weeks now (promised to him by Henry Englander)

and has thus forgotten all about the job at hand. Anyway, here it finally is, though late,

for you to feast your eyes on.

Enjoy!

Sidney strike a Kosher Bullseye!

The fledgling Sidney Sussex

Darts Club took part in their first

league match last Tuesday and com-

fortably overcame an experienced

side from JSoc, the university Jew-

ish society, at their hallowed fortress

of Sidney bar.

Hank “the Tank” Englander,

James “the Arctic” Seel, Shaun

“Shit” Cook and club founder and

president Liam “the Tzar” Agate came through their two singles

matches each with the scores level at

4-4, an impressive performance

from Cook prompting a general re-

think on his darting nickname.

Sadly, however, this reporter cannot

remember what name was settled on

(and thinks the old one‟s pretty well-

suited anyway – ed.)

Having performed poorly in

the singles the Tank finished off the

first doubles leg with a clinical dou-

ble 7, giving Sidney a valuable 6-4

lead (doubles legs, naturally, mean-

ing double points). After his and the

Arctic Seel‟s win Englander was

heard to assert that “Some people

say darts players aren‟t true sports-

men, but I‟d say darts requires true

concentration, focus and skill”.

Whether a sportsman or not, it‟s

evident that this darter in particular

is an eloquent speaker. Cook and Agate‟s leg went

all the way to an edgy double 1

showdown but ultimately the Tzar

won it for the home side, making the

score 8-4 and ensuring a Sidney

victory before the 3-point “beer leg”.

However, since the darts league is

based on legs won rather than

matches won, there was still all to

play for.

Sadly for JSoc, big scores

from the Sidney team (with the ex-

ception of Shaun Cook who hit a

“whale”, the infamous 1 with all

three darts) including a cool ton

from the Tzar ended Hebrew hopes

Seel poses after doubling out on top

of a consolation prize. Club presi-

dent Agate attributed the victory

largely due to the support of the

only fan watching for most of the

match, George Roberts.

After the match I caught up

with JSoc president Toby Brown:

Thoughts about the game?

Disappointed we lost, we had

high hopes given it was our first

match of the season and we wanted

to get off to a good start, but sadly

the “Dart of Destiny” went against

us.

What’s JSoc all about?

Providing cultural, educa-

tional and welfare events for Jewish

students and anyone interested in

Jewish culture, particularly the al-

ways-popular “Booze for Jews”

nights (Tuesday 1st Feb, venue T.B.C.)

What do you think of Sidney bar?

It‟s cheap! (The jokes just

write themselves...)

What do you think of Henry Eng-

lander, who you beat in your first

game?

Quite the gentleman.

(Sidnews believes Toby Brown may

have been confused about the true

identity of the man in question).

Siditious It may no longer Be

January, but the

girls are still Amiable

A lending hand

for those who Matter

There’S definitely more than one

way to get into a girls kNickers

Dis private Club gives more Dan

he expected

He’s Hoi(s)ted up her Veil and

revealed the Madd(y)ness within—

though we’ve know this for some

time

Sid. (Sidnews editors cannot be held responsible for any loss of

reputation experienced as a result of Siditious. You only have

yourselves to blame)

Tho-Mass Hysteria

Last week saw Sidney host it‟s first ever

„Tom‟s Formal Hall‟ (ed. We‟re presuming

this is the first ever, although we haven‟t

checked...who knows what they got up to in

the sixteen hundreds...cue historian). Al-

though we weren‟t allowed any reporters in-

side the hall, we interviewed one of the key

organisers of the event, general funny man,

Tom McNeill.

Hi Tom, so how did the night go?

T: Tom McNiell is Tomporarily unavailable

Ah yes, very funny, but seriously was it

h a r d f i n d i n g t h a t m a n y

Thomases...Thomass...Thomaie?

T: A Thomas, a Thomas! My Kingtom for a

Thomas!

I see...very odd...and why were you organ-

ising this event anyway?

T: In the immortal words of Bob Geldof "give

us your f*ckin' Tommy". It will help to save

babies' lives…

Need we say more? Yes. The event was in aid

of Tommy, a charity giving babies the best

chance to be born healthy, and was in fact an

extremely successful evening with a score of

Tom‟s filling the Sidney bar after wards to

bond over their names and have a friendly

game of pool…(my money was on Tom to

win...hoho…) Harry Michell

- scribbles upon a canvas.

Snod’s Corner

Another cracker from the bard of Sidney, and who said we were-n't cultured? night in July Dark caresses the clouds. Snowdrop shakes - As if bewildered by its own hue. Owls dip for mice, disdain gravity’s jealousy. ;wisp-twined streams cling to the gradient, black-purple strings.

fireflies dart among one another,

- scribbles upon a canvas.

Kestrel rises, drenched in space branches tremble, separate, unlock moonbeams, never quite still.

Thanks for reading...

If you would like to write,

have any gossip or have an event you’d like to advertise, or just wish to

rant, complain about or insult any of the content of this edition, feel free

to email us at hm415.

Quote of the week: Tom Smith

Can you tell I’m...

drunk?