(Curtains open. There’s a house in a forest. Narrator in one corner is sitting with a big book.)

SCENE 1: IN THE FOREST

NARRATOR 1Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

NARRATOR 2But she had an enchantment upon her which could only be broken by love's first kiss.

NARRATOR 1She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.

NARRATOR 2Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none succeeded.

NARRATOR 1She waited in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love's first kiss.

SHREK(Laughs.) Like that's ever gonna happen! (Toilet flush sound. Shrek goes out of the house and stretches. He sighs. Leaves stage.)

(A group of men enter on the other side of the stage and gather round. One has a “wanted” sign with Shrek’s face in it.)

MAN1Do you think it’s in there?

MAN2All right! Let's get it!

MAN3Wait. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

MAN4Yeah, it'll eat you in a sandwich.

(Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.)

SHREKYes, well, that would be a giant. Now, ogres are much worse.

MENNo!

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SHREKAnd they would eat your eyes too!

MAN5Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn you!(Waves the torch at Shrek.)

(Shrek calmly takes the torch and throws it away. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long. The men are still standing there).

SHREKThis is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)And stay out! (Looks down and picks up the piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." (He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder. Lights out. He leaves the stage.)

SCENE 2: THE NEXT DAY

(Lights on. There is a line of fairy tale creatures: Pinocchio, the three pigs, a witch, a man with a donkey, Peter Pan and Tinkerbell. The head of the guard is paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are two more guards behind him taking the characters offstage.)

PETER PANI can’t believe we’re here…

TINKER BELLThis is all Wendy’s fault!

PETER PANShut up Tink!

TINKER BELLNo, I’m not! She stole my magic powder, you know what that means? I can’t fly, I have to walk! My pompons are falling off my shoes!

(Hook cries.)

TIBKER BELLOh, my God! Here he comes…

HOOKI miss my mummy… and Mr. Smith!

TINKER BELLCome on Hook, be a man!

(Hook cries louder. They leave the stage.)

HEAD GUARDNext!

DONKEYPlease, don't turn me in. I'll never sing again. I can change. Please!Give me another chance!

OLD WOMANShhh!

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DONKEYOh!

HEAD GUARDNext! What have you got?

OLD WOMANWell, I've got a talking donkey.

HEAD GUARDDonkeys don’t talk! Guards!

(The guards take the man off stage and Donkey runs away. They follow him. Shrek appears on stage. Donkey hides behind him.)

HEAD GUARDHey! Ogre!

SHREKYes?

HEAD GUARDBy the order of Lord Farquaad I place you both under arrest!

SHREKOh, really? You and who else?

(The guard turns around and sees nobody’s there. He screams and runs away. Shrek laughs.)

DONKEYIncredible!

SHREKAre you talking to me? (He turns around and sees Donkey’s standing there, smiling.)

DONKEYYes! Man, it's good to be free!

SHREKCelebrate it with your friends.

DONKEYBut, uh, I don't have friends. Hey! We can be friends!

SHREKNo. Why are you following me?

DONKEYI'll tell you why… (Singing.) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me...

SHREKStop singing! Listen, little donkey. Look at me. What am I?

DONKEY(Looks all the way up at Shrek.) Uh... tall?

SHREKNo! I'm an ogre! Doesn't that bother you?

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DONKEYNope.

SHREKReally?

DONKEYReally.

SHREKOh. (Sighs.)

DONKEYI like you. What's your name?

SHREKShrek.

DONKEYWho lives there?

SHREKI do.

DONKEYBut you don’t have any neighbours.

SHREKI like being alone.

DONKEYCan I stay with you, please?

SHREK(Sarcastically.) Of course!

DONKEYReally?

SHREKNo.

DONKEYPlease! Please! Please!

SHREKOkay! Okay!

DONKEYAh! Thank you! (He hugs him and Shrek pushes him away. Lights out.)

SCENE 3: SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

(The two stepsisters enter with Cinderella, who’s cleaning the floor.)

STEPSISTER 1Clean, Cinderella, clean!

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STEPSISTER 2Faster, clean faster!

CINDERELLABut this is a swamp… it’s supposed to be dirty!

STEPSISTER 1Chst, chst! Clean!

CINDERELLABut…

STEPSISTER 2Is she never closing her mouth?

(Shrek is sleeping when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. Lights on. He sees a lot o fairy creatures talking and playing with Donkey.)

SHREKWhat are you doing in my house? (Looks angrily at Donkey.) DONKEYHey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

PINOCCHIONo one invited us. They sent us here…

RED RIDINGHOODI don’t know what happened… they just took us out of our tales in the middle of the day…

BAD WOLFYes. I was eating a grandma when they grabbed us and brought us here…

RED RIDINGHOODWhat? It was you who ate my grandma?!

BAD WOLFHey! Don’t blame me! I was hungry and she was there!

SHREKSilence!

RED RIDINGHOODSorry. And you! This isn’t over!

LITTLE PIG 1Lord Farquaad sent us here.

LITTLE PIG 2He’s the king of Far, Far, Away.

LITTLE PIG 3Yes, he’s a bad little man. Hes bad, bad!

SNOWHITEYes! He took all my dwarves and hid them in his castle! Now, I’ve got no one to clean my cottage!

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STEPSISTER 1Cinderella! Clean her cottage!

SHREKWho knows where this Farquaad is?

DONKEY(Jumping and waving his hand.) I do! I do! I do! I know! Pick me!

SHREK(Sighs.) Okay. I'm gonna see this Farquaad now and get you all back to your fairy tales! (To Donkey.) You come with me! DONKEYYeeeees!

SCENE 4: DULOC - KITCHEN

(A masked man enters with the Gingerbread Man. Lord Farquaad walks in too.)

GINGERBREAD MANYou are a monster!

FARQUAADI'm not the monster! You are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?

GINGERBREAD MANI won’t tell you!

FARQUAADTell me or...

(The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.)

HEAD GUARDMy lord! Here they are!

(More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They remove the sheet. There are three Magic Mirrors.)

FARQUAADMagic mirrors...

GINGERBREAD MANDon't tell him anything! (The guards take him off stage.)

FARQUAADMirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

MIRROR 1Well, technically you're not a king.

FARQUAADWhat?!

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MIRROR 2You're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

FARQUAADAhem… (Thinking and rubbing his chin.) Tell me more.

MIRROR 3(Chuckles nervously.) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's timefor you to meet your princess! And here they are!

MIRROR 1Princess number one likes sushi. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (Shows picture of Cinderella. Head Guard and Faarquad clap.)

MIRROR 2Princess number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. She lives with seven other men, so she loves playing football. Just kiss her to wake her up! Here is Snow White! (Shows picture of Snow White. The clap again.)

MIRROR 3And last, but not least, Princess number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona. They clap.)

HEAD GUARDSo will you choose Princess number one, number two or number three?

FARQUAADThree? One? Two? Mmmm… number three!

MIRROR 1Lord Farquaad, you chose Princess Fiona!

FARQUAADPrincess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can rescue her...

MIRROR 2But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

MIRROR 3Yes, after sunset...

FARQUAADSilence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to havea tournament. (Smiles evilly. They leave the stage. Lights out.)

SCENE 5: DULOC

(Shrek and Donkey enter the stage. They hear a trumpet fanfare and Farquaad enters with his three guards and the Masked man. Four men enter with swords. The two groups stand one in front of the other. Then, the cheerleading fairies enter.)

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FAIRIESD-U-L-L-O-CHere in DuLoc you will seeOur K-I-N-GThe fairies cheer for our King!

FARQUAADBrave knights. The champion shall have the honor to rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the dragon. (He notices Shrek.) Wait! What are you? You’re horrible!

SHREKHey! It's just a donkey!

FARQUAAD(Laughs at Shrek.) Ok. So… (Clears throat.) The one who kills the ogre will be named champion!

FAIRIESF-A-R-Q-U-A-DDuLoc has the greatest king!Beat the O-G-R-EAnd the princess you will meet!

FARQUAADNow!

MAN1Get him!

MAN2Go ahead!

MAN3Kill the beast!

MAN4He’s mine!

MAN5Now!

SHREKAll right then. Come on! (The four men start running towards Shrek. Farquaad sits and looks, smiling evilly. They start fighting and Shrek and Donkey start defeating them one by one. Finally all the men are down. Sound of audience goes wild.)

SHREKOh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! Ha, ha! (Laughs. Walks to where Farquaad is.)

FARQUAADPeople of DuLoc, he is the champion!

FAIRIESHere´s the O-G-R-EFor the champion give a cheer

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The D-R-A-G-O-NHe will beat and…

WHITE FAIRYSorry, I can’t find anything to rhyme with dragon…

FARQUAADOk. Ok. That was very nice… keep on practicing… now, shu, shu! (The fairies leave the stage.) And you!

SHREKWhat?

FARQUAADCongratulations, ogre. You won the honor of rescuing Princess Fiona!

SHREKWhat? I’m here to get my forest back! The forest where you dumped thosefairy tale creatures!

FARQUAADAll right, ogre. Let’s make a deal. Go on this quest for me, andI'll give you your forest back. (They shake hands, Farquaad looks with disgust. He stands up and he, the guards and the defeated men go off stage.)

SCENE 6: INSIDE THE CASTLE

(They enter again and Shrek is wearing a helmet. They arrive at the castle. They walk quietly, tiptoeing.)

SHREKShhh. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.

DONKEYHow do you know?

SHREKI read it in a book.

DONKEYWell, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...

(The Dragon enters and looks at them angrily.)

SHREKDragon!

(Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way and they both start running. The Dragon chases them, but they hide and the Dragon leaves the stage, still looking for them. Fiona enters.)

SCENE 7: FIONA'S ROOM

(Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. Fiona lies back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away.)

FIONA

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Oh! Oh!

SHREKWake up!

FIONAWhat?

SHREKAre you Princess Fiona?

FIONAYes, and I’m waiting for a Prince.

SHREKOh, how nice. Now let's go!

FIONABut wait, Sir. This is our first meeting. It has to be a romantic moment!

SHREKYeah, sorry. There's no time. (Takes her hand and makes her go with him.)

FIONAHey, wait. What are you doing?

SHREKRescuing you.

FIONAWhat’s your name?

SHREKUh, Shrek.

FIONASir Shrek.

(Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.)

SHREKCome on!(Takes off running and drags Fiona behind him. They find Donkey and take him too. The Dragon chases them for a while but they escape.)

SCENE 8: OUTSIDE THE CASTLE

DONKEYHi, Princess!

FIONAIt talks!

SHREKA lot!

FIONAPlease, take off your helmet, Sir.

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SHREKUh, no.

FIONABut how will you kiss me?

SHREKWhat?

FIONAYes. The Prince who saves the Princess has to kiss her. He is her true love!

DONKEYWait. You think that Shrek is your true love?

FIONAWell, yes.

(Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.)

FIONAWhat is so funny? Just take off the helmet.

SHREKNo.

FIONATake it off.

SHREKNo!

FIONANow!

SHREKOkay! (Takes off his helmet.)

FIONAYou're a… an ogre.

SHREKYes, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.

FIONAThen why didn't he come rescue me?

SHREKI don’t know. Now, let’s start walking… we have a long trip!

(The three of them start walking. Fiona looks very angry.)

SCENE 9: SUNSET

(They stop to rest. Shrek and Fiona sit together and hold hands.)

DONKEY

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(Looks at them and smiles.) Isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

FIONA(Jumps up.) Sunset? Oh, no! It's very late.

SHREKWhat?

FIONAYes! I need to get some sleep. I must find somewhere to camp now. (She sees a tree house and goes in.) Good night! (Shuts the door. Shrek and Donkey stay outside.)

SHREKGood night.

DONKEYOh! You are in love!

SHREKYou're crazy!

DONKEYYou have to tell her how you feel!

SHREKThere's nothing to tell. Besides, she's a princess, and I'm an ugly ogre.

(Shrek leaves the stage and donkey falls asleep).

SCENE 10: TIME LAPSE

(Fiona comes out of the tree house. She’s an ogre. She tiptoes but Donkey wakes up and sees her.)

DONKEYAaah!

FIONAOh, no!

DONKEYHelp!

FIONAShhh!

DONKEYShrek! Shrek! Shrek! Someone ate the Princess!

FIONADonkey, I'm the princess.

DONKEYWhat?

FIONAIt's me, in this body.

DONKEY

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Oh, my God! What happened to you? You're ugly!

FIONAI know. It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." It's a spell. (Sighs.) I have to marry Farquaad before he sees me like this. (Begins to cry.)

DONKEYAll right, all right. Look, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night.

FIONABut Donkey, I'm a princess, and a Princess must be beautiful! DONKEYPrincess, why don’t you marry Shrek?

FIONAI can’t. I only can be happy if I become a beautiful princess. Please, don’t tell Shrek. (Shrek enters the stage again and listens, but doesn’t see them.) No one can love this ugly beast! (Shrek becomes very angry and leaves the stage.)

SCENE 11: MORNING

(Shrek, Fiona and Donkey arrive at the castle. Farquaad enters the stage.)

FARQUAADPrincess Fiona. (Kisses her hand.)

SHREKHere she is. Now give me my forest back!

FARQUAADVery well, ogre. (Holds out a piece of paper.) Now go away!

(Shrek leaves angrily and Donkey follows him.)

FARQUAADPrincess Fiona, you are so beautiful, let’s get married tonight!(They leave and Shrek and Donkey enter again.)

(Hallelujah song playing, kids singing it. Different scenes. Shrek at home alone. Fiona with the wedding dress. Donkey running into the dragon. They all look lonely.)

SCENE 12: IN THE FOREST

DONKEYShrek, what happens?

SHREKGo away! I don’t want you to come with me! I live alone!

DONKEYBut I thought we were friends.

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SHREKYou thought wrong!

DONKEYHey! This is my half of the forest.

SHREKWhat half?

DONKEYI helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the forest.

SHREKBack off!

DONKEYNo, you back off. Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

SHREKOh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, why are you still here?

DONKEYBecause that's what friends do! They forgive each other! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.

SHREKGo away!

DONKEYYou are doing the same you did to Fiona. She loves you!

SHREKLoves me? She said I was an ugly monster. I heard the two of you talking.

DONKEYShe wasn't talking about you. She was talking about herself!

SHREKWhat?

DONKEYShe was talking about herself. She has a spell on her, at night, she becomes an ogre.

SHREKOh, no! I have to find her.

DONKEYDon’t worry! (Whistles.)

DRAGONDid you call me, honey?

DONKEYYes, Princess!

DRAGONWhere are we going?

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DONKEYFar, Far, Away!

(Suddenly the dragon arrives and they hold hands. They fly away and leave stage.)

SCENE 13: DULOC - CHURCH

(Fiona and Farquaad enter the stage and are getting married. The people of the town are there too. The masked man holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.)

PRIESTPeople of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union....

(Shrek runs inside with Donkey and Dragon.)

SHREK(Running toward the altar.) I object!

FARQUAADWhat do you want?

FIONAWhat are you doing here?

SHREKFiona you can't marry him.

FIONAAnd why not?

SHREKBecause I love you!

(The masked man holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs.)

FARQUAADAn ogre and a princess!

FIONAShrek, is this true?

SHREKYes.

FIONA"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

(She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. Princess Fiona leaves stage and Ogre Fiona enters. She gives Shrek a smile. He smiles back.)

FARQUAADUgh! It's disgusting!

DONKEYHoney, please! (He whistles. Dragon takes Farquaad out of the stage.)

DONKEY

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Go, Shrek.

SHREKFiona?

FIONAYes, Shrek?

SHREKI love you.

FIONA(Smiles.) I love you too.

(Shrek kisses Fiona’s hand. The masked man takes one of the cards that says 'Awwww' and then shows it to the congregation.)CONGREGATIONAawww!

(Lights out. Lights on. Fiona looks at her hands, confused.)

FIONAI don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

SHREKBut you ARE beautiful.

(They smile at each other and hug.)

DONKEYAwww!

DRAGONNow, this is a happy ending!

(Shrek and Fiona hold hands and Donkey and Dragon too.)

('I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Gingerbread Man enters with the rest of the characters. Some are carrying musical instruments. Shrek and Fiona walk to the middle of the stage as the rest of the guests party.)

NARRATOR 1(Enters the stage with the big book and opens it in the middle of the party.) And remember, true beauty is inside your heart.

NARRATOR 2And true love is the one that loves you for what you are, no matter if you are an ogre or an annoying talking donkey. (Starts closing the book and opens it again fast.) Oh! I almost forgot… and they lived happily ever after! (Closes the book and parties with the rest of the characters.)

THE END

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